mshmshwrites

[mshmshwrites]

corporeal

reality revolves around flesh and bones around feeling closeness to another human to touch naked skin that is not yours and i love digging my nails into it until they bleed

i don’t want flowers but i’ll take the hair off the scalp or the warmth of touch concentrated and boiled down to its real essence i want to swallow you all linings of muscles and fat

there is nothing more to life i think than touch than kiss than bite than feeling someone’s pulse under your fingertips its tachycardic rhythms i think there is truly nothing more than holding

someone’s heart under the palm of your hand and feel the life pump through them head to toes i am the master of the universe with my fingers on your carotid artery as i watch you sleep

#literature #spilled thoughts #girlhood #spilled poetry #poetry #original poem #poems #writers on tumblr #womanhood #female rage #love #love poem #i want to eat him #to love is to desire #to love is to long

[mshmshwrites]

tree poem ~~~~

i wish i was a beautiful tree slowly growing in a valley between two tall mountains covered with green carpets where pomegranates cry their ruby tears and oranges sleep in cooling shadows of thick leaves round and perfect

my branches would reach up to the sky and touch the sunlight’s breath in the morning when it’s still gentle still soft with its warmth slowly helping me grow pouring its sweetness into my fruit and my roots

small southern birds with blue feathers and wings iridescent and shining would sit on my branches would sing their morning welcome to the day they would make up their homes in my crown

i would welcome all creatures to find their resort caterpillar’s fuzz and their slow pace would leave my old leaves eaten and gone giving way to the new ones the fresh ones so vibrant in their emerald shine

i would make a beautiful tree unbothered and slender and i would finally find that desired peace which i see in my dreams every night under the covers for which i long which i think of every hour of every day

#literature #spilled thoughts #girlhood #spilled poetry #poetry #poems #original poem #writers on tumblr #womanhood #nature #naturepoetry #longing #yearning #desire for peace #desire for calmness #i am tired #i need sleep #i need to sleep #idk man #i am so tired #yapping

[mshmshwrites]

ALL

all my joints taste of tobacco, bitter lingering on the tip of your tongue, for as long as you smoke it, in reality - a long cigarette, maybe a sprinkle or two of hash, I can’t seem to figure out how to balance it well. and i can’t figure out lots of things - how to speak when i’m angry, how to jaywalk with no fear, on which side to stand on the escalator (i think it’s usually right), how to quickly get rid of cigarette smell in my room, how to keep a curly hair routine, how to measure my love out slowly, how to stop myself from yelling, how to paint the nails on my right hand, how to keep my socks in order, how to express gratitude, how to figure out what i want from this life, how to bake cakes, how to be honest, how to accept their love, how to carefully put salt in the mill, how to be on time (though i am getting better), how to make myself proud, how to make it in life, how to find the right people, how to manage my madness, how to make nhs appointments, how to fight, how to live with the knowledge i have, how to see god, how to hear him, how to file taxes, how to drive a car, how to kiss not bite, how to save up, how to be a woman, how to deal with it, how to understand men, how to stop sleeping through alarms, how to grasp the concept of cosmos, how to love someone, how to efficiently vacuum carpets, how to be alone, how to be when someone is near, how to get rid of all the hate inside me, how to stop drinking coffee, how to quit smoking, and how to tell you i'm tired.

#literature #spilled thoughts #girlhood #spilled poetry #poetry #prose #poems #original poem #quotes #writers on tumblr #mundane #daily #quotidien #life #small things #figuring it out #a girl in her 20s #living #trying my best

[mshmshwrites]

“There was a cat. Long ago there was a cat, who swallowed a ball of yarn; and when the cat had kittens, they all had sweaters on.”

[mshmshwrites]

this body is not a home

jody chan sick (via @geryone) \ edward hopper interior, model reading (1925) \ olivia laing the lonely city (via @soracities) \ joan didion on self-respect (via @girlfictions) \ dion palinckx (2019) \ james tate selected poems (via @heartshop) \ @artofbrianluong​ \ olivia laing the lonely city (via @soracities​) \ edvard munch self-portrait in hell

shout me a chai latte

[mshmshwrites]

– "Still Life: Vase with Pink Roses", Painting by "Vincent van Gogh"

[mshmshwrites]

i am so obsessed with proving myself to everyone else that i forget my own opinion matters and i hate the bitch i see in the mirror every morning. i hate her.

#selfhate #girlboss #tryingmybest #fuckinghatethislifestyle #slavetocapitalism #expectations #success #toxicsuccess

[mshmshwrites]

yup

Hari Alluri, from “Ancestral Memory”, After Kwame Dawes 

[mshmshwrites]

I need it right now

[mshmshwrites]

I am 20 and I am not a girl anymore but not yet a woman and all i can do is endlessly browse the internet in hopes of some money coming my way.

life gets simple as you get older and hard-boiled eggs taste okay.

and maybe one day i wil eat a grapefruit and not flinch.

and maybe one day i will rest.

#spilled thoughts #girlhood #spilled poetry #poetry #poems #writers on tumblr

[mshmshwrites]

cool girls

cool girls make the world go round.

they take away every ounce of attention in the room and if you are lucky they might spill some of theirs on you, carefully throw a few drops onto your shoulders, maybe a bit on your cheeks. their eyes might lick you head to toes, leaving a wet track that stays shimmering on your clothes for days. 

cool girls make the world go round. 

they wake up early and go to bed late, effortless in their routines, natural in their scheduled lives. their clothes are always clean, and any spots look intentional, and they always have fresh socks, and they never run out of underwear. they don’t mix silver and gold, and when they do, they rewrite the rules of fashion and no one bats an eye because it always looks cool. 

cool girls make the world go round. 

they only have good sex, and when it’s terrible, they tell funny stories to their girlfriends, laughing it off, and they never are awkward, embarrassed, or ashamed. they only date healthy, like their food, their boyfriends are nice and sweet, like their voice, their relationships are smooth, like their skin, and when they get into fights they never cry. 

cool girls make the world go round. 

they drink beer and they smoke, they don’t mind if you go out with your friends, because for every friend you have they have four. social butterflies, always busy and never bored, and the slow tangy loneliness is unknown to them. or at least so they act. 

cool girls make the world go round. 

they are real girls, they care about their friends, they sacrifice themselves for them. cool girls know how to ‘friendship’ they know and they’ll teach you. they never break the girl-code, they are the ones that put their pinky out first in a silent oath. cool girls come to you in the middle of the night, they wipe the tears off your face, they tell you - ‘he’s not worth it’, and you trust them. they keep your secrets, they never tell you theirs. and when you apologize for wasting their time they only say - ‘it’s cool. don’t worry’.

cool girls make the world go round.

#cool girl monologue #gonegirl #poetry #literature #i'll never be them #cool girls #girlhood #spilled poetry #spilled thoughts #womanhood #poems on tumblr #girlhood is just so difficult and god i wish i was like them

[mshmshwrites]

when richard siken said “the enormity of my desire disgusts me.” and when angela of foligno said “i could not imagine a death vile enough to match my desire.” and when yves olade said “my rot is as hungry as me” and when cj miller said “there is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires.” and when benjamin alire sàenz said “what is that thing in the pit of your stomach called desire?” and when richard siken said “desire, like a monster, crawls up out of the lake.”

#girlhood

[mshmshwrites]

girl failure

I’m not a girl boss. I’m a girl failure. 

I failed in so many ways that it became the only thing I started to recognize about myself. It became the first thing I thought about myself in the morning and the last thought before sleep. It became my reflection, my inner core began to rot, it polluted me, ripped me apart from the inside, and chewed me out completely

I failed as a girl friend.

I lost my best friends, I didn’t sacrifice myself enough. I failed our childish promises, I carelessly threw out the sacred memories put on threads like beads of a bracelet. I forgot the girl code, I failed to be there for them. I failed to be the person they can rely on, I failed to be the person they want to be seen with. I lost so many friendships over things I did not even realize existed, yet I know it is because I failed as a girl. Our whispers and secrets, our pinkies clinging onto each other in an oath, I failed it all. I failed to understand the joy of being a girl and I failed to be sincere in my sadness. 

I failed as a woman. 

I slept with men I told others not to worry about, I lied. I lied so many times to so many men that at some point they all became one to me and ever since I cannot fathom any of them regaining importance. I let them fuck me while thinking of others, I let them love me without loving them back. I paid no remorse to their feelings when I broke up with them out of the blue because I failed to feel for them. I failed to warn them of my flaws and when they came out, spilling over like cigarette butts in an ashtray, I failed to apologize for it. I put on many masks to be someone else for them, to subsitute for a best friend, for a mother, for a girlfriend, but I failed to show them the real me. I failed every relationship I ever had, I was the black mold in the corner of their bathrooms. I put all of my problems on them and disregarded their own. I failed to help my men when they needed me. I failed to keep my promises of everlasting love but I did not fail to drip the sweet words into their ears, covering them in the sweetness of my ingenuity. 

I failed as a scholar.

I used to be brilliant, magnificent, perfect, and I wasted it all on minute-long excitement, on long smoking breaks, on men. I wasted my own potential on self-pity. I loathed the work I used to love, I threw out opportunities given to me, and I let myself relax and not care. I failed to realize I could not afford that. I was given a brain that many would be jealous of, and yet I failed to use even half of it. I wasted it all and I could never forgive myself for it. I failed to build myself a future, I failed to live up to the expectations. I did not take matters into my own hands, too scared of the responsibility. I ran away from it like a little child. 

I failed as a girl. 

My nails are bitten, my eyebrows are all over the place. I failed to take care of myself, I let my fat grow lumps on my legs, and I let my hair get dry and split. I failed to look feminine, paying more attention to comfort than beauty. I failed to nourish myself, living off cigarettes and coffee. My teeth are yellow. My skin is dry. I failed to teach myself how to do makeup, I failed to find my own style, always clinging to those surrounding me. I failed to gain a sense of individuality, always led by the stronger ‘leaders’ of the girl world, always following, never followed. I failed to understand the beauty of being a woman and all I can think about is the bottled-up anger at myself that I fail to contain. 

Most importantly

I failed as a daughter. 

I betrayed any trust given to me, I wasted the resources put into me. I failed to understand my own importance in my Mother’s life. I failed Her. She wasted her life away because of me, and yet, I failed to learn from her mistakes. I failed to learn any lesson she ever gave me, I failed to listen to her, I failed to understand her. I failed to see past my childish offenses, I failed to see anything good. I failed our relationship, lashing out, being rude, telling her every flaw I ever noticed. I failed to notice my own flaws. I failed to sympathize with her and failed to see myself as the issue. I am not a good daughter. I did not follow the very correct path that she had in mind for me and I let her down. I did not live up to the expectations she set in her head when she gave birth to me. She made me and I am destroying her own creation with my bare hands. She made me from scratch. I am burning it all down with just a few drops of gasoline and a chipped lighter. She lost years over me, her youth, her beauty, her time. I sucked and sucked on it, like a parasite, never giving anything back. I failed as a daughter. 

I am not a girl boss. 

I am a girl failure.

#woman #womanhood #coming of age #failure #academic burnout #literature #spilled thoughts #female rage #girlhood #grief #mother #mother daughter relationships #girl boss #failing #expectations #sadness #acceptance of one's flaws #flaws #imperfection

[mshmshwrites]

i don't eat cold porridge

I am not unhappy anymore,

I do not put broken glass in my shoes, I don’t eat cold porridge.

I am not unhappy anymore,

I laugh, I walk, I smile, I breathe in and out and I shake your hand.

I am not unhappy anymore, 

Not stuck, not trapped, not enchanted by sickness.

I am not unhappy anymore,

I let go of my past, and I throw myself into the future.

I am not unhappy anymore

but sometimes I find a lost piece of glass somewhere in my sweater,

sometimes the water gets a bit too warm and the porridge

too cold.

#sadness #poems on tumblr #poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #happiness #literature #im trying to be happy

[mshmshwrites]

hysteria

I finally realize what it is like to be a woman.

In my maximalist years I birth myself,

over and over again, 

in front of a mirror. 

I feel my body like I have never felt it before - 

I sense the slightest disturbance to my shell,

protecting and caressing it, 

I detach from it in the most masochistic act. 

The tube is long, 

it caresses my belly like a serpent,  

crawling in and under, 

into my deepest parts. 

The scissors are dull, so

the cut is uneven, but the knot is tight. 

Useless flesh in my gripping fingers, 

no longer needed, 

the body now nourishes on its own

and I know it. 

Yet, I still find myself covered by the warm blanket of darkness,

grieving my loss, 

so natural, so cruel. 

I give birth to myself, suddenly aware 

that one day that loss will magnify 

and all I can wish for in this moment 

is a hysterectomy.

#poems #poems on tumblr #poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #poet #short poems #female rage #womanhood #literature #grief #female hysteria #hysterectomy #femal pain

[mshmshwrites]

girlhood

girlhood is grief. 

the everlasting pain of knowledge, 

the overwhelming fear of the future, 

girlhood is grief. 

I’m crying for my childhood, 

I am mourning my innocence. 

every skirt, every giggle, all my girlfriends, all the gossip,

the delight of being a girl, 

the shared makeup, 

the secrets, the whispers. 

the shame that we all felt discussing the most disgusting details of our lives,

the joy we found in sharing it.

the round knees and angular elbows,

the sweet perfumes, 

the hair ties, little bags, and ruffles on our collars.

I’m mourning it all.

I’m aching for my mother, 

I’m aching because I finally understand her

and I have been scared of this moment my entire life, 

and while I’m grieving my loss, 

she's grieving for me.

and we both know that it's inevitable.

and there are only the two of us in this whole world

and nothing else matters when I lose my girlhood, 

when I let go of it,

and when my mother catches me as I fall. 

and I find out that while girlhood is grief, 

womanhood is agony.

#poetry #girlhood #poems #mother #mothrdaughterrelationship #spilled poetry #spilled thoughts #love poem #literature #womanhood #female rage #femaleanguish #melancholy #comingofage #coming of age #grief #agony