nectarinenyl

[nectarinenyl]

You think you can hurt my feeling? Well get in line....

Me: *Gets 7A+ and 2A's for SPM*

Mom: You could've done better

Me: *Gets into the best dental school in the country*

Mom: Your sister is doing so much better

Me: *Shows my painting and artwork*

Mom: meh

At this point I don't even know why I try

[nectarinenyl]

03.04.19

A lot of people feel sad all the time. Quite a number of my friends come to me when they feel sad. But why is it so hard for me to find someone that can be there for me? Honestly, it’s because I don’t like to tell anyone because I don’t want to sound overdramatic, sensitive and a liability. I’m still in denial, so for now I’ll just comfort myself and wonder why.

[nectarinenyl]

stupid rant about my feelings

I feel so left out. I have a lot of friends but I never feel a sense of belonging when I’m with them and it’s not like they ask me to go out with them anyways. I can’t wait to meet my best friends so I can hug them and talk to them so I don’t have feel so lonely and sad :,))

[nectarinenyl]

my happy little pill take me away dry my eyes bring color to my sky my sweet little pill take my hunger but within numb my skin

[nectarinenyl]

sorting out my feelings

It’s 1.09 am

I’m staring at the ceiling

And i feel stupid

I feel stupid because i cant understand anything

I don’t think i am stupid

But being surrounded by genuises makes you feel like that

It’s 1.11 am

No one is beside me

And i feel lonely

Only surrounded by my thoughts and tumblr posts

Don’t get me wrong i have “friends”

But why is it so hard to open up to them

It’s 1.16 am

I should be asleep

But i feel insecure

Every time i look in the mirror all i see is a monster

But all around me are daisies and insert another pretty flower

How do I compete?

It’s 1.19

I feel a lot of things

But out of all i feel scared the most

Scared about what will happen next

Will i be able to get through this emotionally intact

Or will i sink and become a failure in this new chapter

[nectarinenyl]

"Homework Habits of a Perfectionist” by Erin Anastasia

Ask my parents.

They’ll tell you, my favorite phrase growing up was,

“I can do it all by myself.”

One day, I sat spinning the top of my Flinstones vitamin bottle wondering,

how many spins until this thing opens?

My mom, insisting that she help,

No, I told her,

I can do it all by myself,

And I’ve been doing this all by myself.

This, college thing, in case you were wondering,

I’m getting out of here with a fantastic GPA and a pretty impressive resume,

I don’t know about you,

but for me, college, is great.

Except for, you know,

my tendency to sometimes,

a lot of the time,

procrastinate.

Hey Facebook, hey old yearbook.

Is that picture frame hanging quite right?

Oh, what’s that?

You want me to count the stars?

Sure, just give me a long enough essay to write.

Maybe one that’s worth twenty percent of my grade,

with potential to ruin my GPA,

when I need a 3.7,

no I need a 3.8

if I even want to put it on my resume.

'Cause I want something more than that 9-5,

commuter drive making just enough to eat,

maybe this week I'll survive.

So I know, I know, It’s just an essay.

But it’s also just my life,

and I don’t want to write it wrong,

so I guess I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

And I get it, I’m a perfectionist.

Trust me,

I’ve googled enough shit on it to write a fucking Bible on it.

But nothing on those self-help sites seemed to help,

and there was that one week,

I resorted to punishing myself,

painting red tally marks on my bicep for every night of the week I failed myself.

But how can I tell anyone this?

That it took me three whole hours to write a goddamned sentence?

How pathetic.

And I’m too old for this self-harm bullshit.

So how do I fix this?

How do I fix this?

How do I sleep?

‘Cause I’ve gotten something like ten hours of it this week

and when I’m driving late at night the snakes turn into lines.

I mean, the lines turn into snakes.

Sometimes I hallucinate,

and everything starts spinning in circles like the tops of bottles of vitamins,

and I’ll start running in circles or,

walking in circles or,

crawling in circles or,

just lying on the ground,

treating my iPod shuffle like a magic eight ball.

Maybe The Front Bottoms will tell me what to do,

when I don’t know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Last night, my forearms started to look a lot like canvases,

and I don’t own too many long sleeved shirts.

So before I go out and buy more long sleeved shirts,

I thought I’d try something else.

So this is me,

finally,

admitting,

that maybe,

I can’t, do this,

all by, myself.

[This is not mine. I just really want to post this because I resonate so much with this poem and the poet. Erin is such a great poet and I love watching her perform]

[nectarinenyl]

The face of fear wears a smile [part 1]

these are not lies you see,

hung on these walls,

mere stills of a memory,

how could a lie,

have such a pretty smile,

pretty smiles?

pretty, bright, happy smiles.

there are no deceits here,

just don’t go any closer,

as i fear you’ll see, 

the reality,

of what lies under

the smiling me.

-18.04.2018

t o b e c o n t i n u e d

#poem #24hoursopen #poetry #writeblr #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #fear #poets #poems

[nectarinenyl]

People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

Kim Culbertson, The Liberation of Max McTrue (via books-n-quotes)

[nectarinenyl]

The nights sky will always be my muse

[nectarinenyl]

Quiet Company

Quiet company,

it’s the best kind of company

you, me, and a cup of tea

when verbal interaction drains me

silence is my symphony.

talking will never be a priority

your presence 

is the only thing necessary 

for my nerves to be at ease.

know that i will never be

open to anybody 

but just stick with me

and maybe eventually 

after all the quiet company 

and the many silent sips of tea

you will get to know me.

- 17.04.18

#poem #poetry #24hoursopen #writeblr #poets of tumblr #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #poets #poems

[nectarinenyl]

things I regret not saying #1

“I need some help. I can’t do this on my own”

There has been far too many times I’ve let this sentence fall back into my throat. Even the thought of saying it outloud scares me.

I don’t know why; maybe it’s because I don’t want to loose this happy go lucky image of mine or maybe it’s because by saying this it means that I’m not strong enough.

I’ll have to find the courage to say it because one day I know that I will need help but in the meantime I’ll just keep writing here.

#things i regret not saying #spilled thoughts #spilled words #writeblr

[nectarinenyl]

“Tis the business of the little minds to shrink, but they who heart is firm, and whose consciences approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death”

Leonardo Da Vinci

[nectarinenyl]

This is a big problem that must be fixed because I’m so tired of looking for reviews on the internet but I don’t wanna miss out on good books.

I don’t understand why books have shifted from having summaries on the back of the covers to having one-line reviews.

Seriously though. I want to know what the book is about. Not that someone from the Evening Standard thinks it’s a masterpiece. 

[nectarinenyl]

What does your depression feel like?

You know that sinking feeling in your chest; like this emptiness inside you. It’s like this but constantly.

You’re on the verge of tears but you try your hardest to not cry because it was going so well a few days ago but now everything is meaningless.

Life seems like it’s going at 200mph, your heart is racing and your anxiety is at an all time high but you just can’t seem to find the reason why.

Every social interaction is draining and you just want to be alone in bed all day but you can’t because you have responsibilities and expectations to meet.

It’s all these feelings at once. It comes in waves; sometimes it’s calm, almost like nothing’s there but sometimes it’s a tsunami and it’s just too overwhelming.

After the wave has passed you still have this haunting feeling like it’s going to come back. It does, like clockwork except, this clock does not tell the time.

#depression #mental health #24hoursopen #poem #poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled words #writeblr

[nectarinenyl]

🎆

#drawings #dailyart #sketches #art

[nectarinenyl]

#gif #kualalumpur

[nectarinenyl]

hold your breath