#I literally just wanted external validation that I'm not making it all up because she's fucking gaslighting me again

[cesium-sheep]

I looked at it. still a lot of self-absolution, "did my best" shit. she wants to know how to "get back to a better place". I went to show arin and she took herself out into the weeds and then got frustrated to find that she was in the weeds. so that like. doesn't really help.

I texted back something about how it'll never fully go away but the best thing to do right now is let it heal over on its own.

also it occurred to me that an email newsletter fixes the kirblog problem. I'll have to give it a couple weeks to make it look unsuspicious.

#like arin kept perseverating on 'you gotta either move forward or step back' #and it's like babe. I literally just asked you this morning if we could rescue the last of my shit from her house. #how is that not stepping back. #and even though she's been sitting here watching this shitshow for 8 years she's still like 'there must be a pattern I'm not seeing' #bestie she's using classic emotional abuse techniques are you fucking asleep #and then she decided to brainstorm a response even though it 'feels like self-harm' to her #none of which I asked for #I literally just wanted external validation that I'm not making it all up because she's fucking gaslighting me again #intentionally or not she is telling me my reality isn't true #'we were going through a really hard time' bitch we're going through a really hard time right now #but I *never* let arin get away with treating me the way you did. #and she's my wife - my ostensible equal #you were my parent. the ultimate authority over a child. #so of course it's fucking worse that you did it. of course I couldn't stop you. #but it really frustrates me that arin still seems so completely fucking ignorant of the situation at hand #like she just ignored everything mom did actively in the past 8 years let alone all the shit she did before #and it scares me.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

OK so trying to articulate pt. 2 what's been sitting with me re: You're Losing Me especially in light of the track list dropping:

When You're Losing Me came out, I got the feeling that "I wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her," came from a place not of desperation/resignation, but spite, at least the portion I bolded. In that, to me it sounded like the words once lobbed at her being spat back at the person who first uttered them -- even if only in her mind. There's an anger an intensity when she sings that part (in contrast to the "see her" part), especially as it comes to the peak of the bridge.

With the information that's slowly trickling out, from the way puzzle pieces are starting to fit together with the background, the references to works of art like The Little Mermaid, Clara Bow, even perhaps Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, etc., I'm feeling more and more confident that that's likely the case. If we're taking into consideration context clues from these like the idea of having to give up what makes you sing (metaphorically and literally) to attain the life you think you want, to keep the love you think you've earned, to let bitterness fester and eat the relationship from within, there's an undercurrent of resentment in those lines about the things that make one person soar and the other recoil.

If I were to make an educated guess about these circumstances, I would think the line isn't about marriage writ large, it's about someone who is fuelled by desires -- in this case, to live out in the open, to embrace her world, to drop the shroud from her shoulders ---- and having those desires shunned by a partner who sees that external validation as debasing. A mirrorball to the whims of the public, as it were. But she is saying, this is who I am and this is what I want, and want you to love me not in spite of these but because of these. It's like she's saying, I wouldn't marry the version of me you think I am (that you disdain). She's trying to say, all these things you don't like about me and my life are what make me me.

In other words, it sounds like the realization that the person who is supposed to be your greatest champion thinks of you completely differently (and unkindly) from the person you are. And perhaps the crux of it is, what am I willing to give up to be the version of me this person wants? How many inches must I give before the miles they take become a runway?

In retrospect, the "Me" she wants him to choose at the end of the song may not just be an imploring to make a commitment full stop, but choosing the person she is vs. the person he thinks he wants, because she's sick of twisting herself into knots trying to cater to him when the goalposts keep moving. Their love comes at a cost to both, and it's one that may erase everything she holds dear.

We're in for a wild ride in April.

#you're losing me #ylm #me thinking too hard about taylor lyrics #writing letters addressed to the fire #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #i've always been a “wouldn't marry me either pathological people pleaser line is something that was used against her” truther #and I feel like I'm about to be proven right lol #also ever since someone made the connection between Who's Afraid of Little Old Me and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf it has been #all that iv'e thought about all day #that movie is ROUGH to watch for exactly these reasons #seeing the veneer of a respectable marriage crumble under the weight of differences and loss and alcohol OOF #plus the burton taylor of it all #eta: her very well could have not wanted to marry her full stop #but I wouldn’t be surprised if reasons given were related to this

[marvelandponder]

Was Sunset supposed to be depressed/suicidal in the last arc of empathy for the devil?

Naturally with a question like that, content warning! I'm going to be using the word so skip this analysis if you don't want to read that.

That's a good question. I think it’s open for interpretation exactly what "exile" translates to metaphorically. You could definitely read it that way

I'll seperate depression and suicidality. From my perspective, she was depressed as of chapter 9 she just doesn't have the words for that. She's not too in tune with her feelings or the language for them. We see her disassociate a bit in class, nothing feels quite real to her. Her friends definitely pick up on it. They'd eventually get to the point where they threw her and Timber an intervention.

Twilight seems to think Sunset "hasn't been herself since before [her] roadtrip." She noticed things like Sunset sounding "stressed and fatalistic" and that all her "cute little jokes are just digs at [herself] now.” And she definitely wasn't the only one. We see the others trying to cheer her up and checkin with her in chapter 8, knowing she told them she doesn't want to talk about her feelings all the way back in chapter 2. Even in chapter 10, Twilight picks up on how many times Sunset’s apologizing without even thinking.

In chapter 8, Sunset even remembers the last time she felt this bad, which was right after the Fall Formal. She makes a checklist of a lot of the external things as signs she wasn't doing well internally then, and she seems to judge herself for them, but interesting that she's talking about not sleeping, not taking care of herself physically, and even mismatched clothes before she even thinks to talk about her emotions.

Depressed, yeah. Suicidal, depends how you read it. But it's a very valid interpretation and would certainly make all her friends' fears for her that much more dire.

Depression is super common - and definitely in high school. Sometimes in middle school, too. It's because around that age your brain is quite literally developing the capacity for emotions in your amygdala before it develops your prefrontal cortex. Your ability to regulate your emotions develops after the emotions do (I would wager a guess that's because you have to have develop it by regulating your emotions - which takes time to learn). I had friends who had depression in high school and one with suicidal ideation.

While it wasn't like an intended goal I had when outlining the story, it also doesn't surprise me. It really just came about as a natural consequence of where the character would be emotionally if she felt she didn't have a real purpose on top of the massive amounts of guilt and shame she doesn't know what to do with. Our girl was going through it.

By the end, though, we do see her find her drive and purpose again. And interestingly, Sunset seemed pretty convinced her exile would be best for everyone but as soon as she sees how devastated her friends were that she was leaving, she realizes how loved and important she is to them. She chooses to stick around for them, for the life she wants to build, and a purpose of her own choosing. And the whole damn school calls out to her when they think she's a demon! Things get better for her despite the fact that it felt to her like it never could.

And you haven't seen it yet, but it's not like she doesn't have emotions to deal with after this is all over. You'll see how Sunset is doing after all that in the next stories! But she's got a good support system, and has learned it's okay not to be okay.

I'm sure that won't come in handy at all 😉

#empathy for the devil #sunset shimmer #tw: sui ideation #tw: sui thoughts #tw: suicide #tw: suidice

[tobiasdrake]

The Disappearance of Nagato Yuki-chan, Episode 12 - The Disappearance of Nagato Yuki-chan, Part 2

This arc has me besides myself in fear and anxiety and anticipation and dread and eagerness and and and and

I always thought Original Flavor Yuki's awkward alien tippy-toe run was a funny character quirk of hers. Here, Factory Settings transcends it into straight-up levitation. Yuki has become a ghostly specter who haunts the concept of literature itself.

(It's funny 'cause this is clearly hyperbolic shorthand for Yuki being entranced into hyperfocus by the library. Using the language of animation to convey that she's been pulled in by the allure of nearby literature and shut out the world. While the tippy-toe run is more literally meant as a silly character quirk.)

Kyon.

Kyon.

Your cute "How We Met" story is about helping her get a library card.

Nice to see he's as bad at following the plot in this reality as he is in the prime reality.

Wait, is THIS going to be the show's version of the Yuki Library Card anecdote? Did it. Has that not happened in this continuity yet? I legit can't remember if it has or not. I think I'm getting my wires crossed.

Right. Because. Like. In Movie Disappearance, Kyon wasn't a member of the Literature Club. He met Yuki in passing at the library just the one time.

I've been assuming that was still how they met in the show. But. Maybe their first meeting was the day Yuki asked him to join the Literature Club? And the library card event is happening right now?

Still appreciate that Factory Settings is developing more personality over time. She's very similar to Original Yuki, much moreso than Escapist Yuki, but she's nonetheless a lot more outwardly emotional all the same. Original Yuki would express a similar sentiment but she wouldn't be caught dead making that face.

Yep, this is the library card event. A universal const--

SORCERY! I CALL SORCERY! THIS IS--

*heavy exhale*

OKAY SO I'M NOT GOING CRAZY

It is Kyon who sucks at following the plot, not me. I thought so. Okay. Whew. That was throwing me.

And there's the actual event. Man, it's nice to see Escapist Yuki again, even if just for a bit.

Can't believe I let Kyon gaslight me. This man is so dumb that his dumbness came full circle and had me questioning my own comprehension of the plot.

Factory Settings in third person watching Escapist Yuki's memory unfold is a beautiful visual representation of her relationship to those memories. She's said that she doesn't feel like those memories or feelings or etc. are hers and this shot of her as an external third party visualizes that through the language of animation.

Similarly, that it took so long for her to remember that she has Escapist Yuki's library card with her is another subtle demonstration of her disconnect with Escapist Yuki's life. She didn't remember that she's done The Scene with Kyon already because, in a meaningful sense, she hasn't.

This scene, this right here, was her version of The Scene. A version that she never got to finish. It was sharply interrupted by the callous reminder that she is an imposter, dressed in the life of a different version of her. That the Yuki that belongs here already did it.

TUG ON MY HEARTSTRINGS SOME MORE WHY DON'T YOU

Factory Settings validating my suspicion that Yuki's essentially catatonic right now. She created Escapist Yuki to be her ideal self in her ideal world. With Escapist Yuki unconscious, she seems to be stuck in a sort of between-state.

Like. She lacks the memory and knowledge required to be her player but she's also lost the personality and emotional range of her character so she's just. Trapped. In the middle. And it's terrifying because she doesn't even have the context to remember that she wanted to be this other Yuki in the first place.

She's Rebellion Story Madoka going, "I can't possibly imagine any scenario where I would leave all of my friends behind and become God. That is not a choice that I would ever make. 0/10 Would Not Happen."

Staring down the existential barrel of being once again subsumed by decisions she can't comprehend that she made in the first place.

Her glasses from the car crash are fixed but she refuses to wear them, instead sticking with the backup pair. Because those aren't truly 'her' glasses, they're Escapist Yuki's glasses. Factory Settings has only ever worn the backup pair. The ones on her face right now, those are 'her' glasses.

My fucking heart.

(That the most visible distinction between them is Factory Settings has a black frame while Escapist Yuki has a white frame isn't lost on me either. Another subtle jab at Factory Settings being the "imposter". She's wearing the Bad Guy glasses. She's the piece that does not fit.)

Um. Yes? What did you think her awakening would mean? A pitched battle in the heart of your soul over who will be the True Yuki? Logically, as Escapist's personality starts to reawaken, Factory Settings will gradually meld into her until she's fully back to "normal".

Yuki's playing the Itsuki card and explaining the plot in great detail but it's the same stuff that's already been conveyed visually. Little by little, Escapist Yuki's identity is going to reassert itself over Factory Settings because they aren't different people.

They're separate personas of a single consciousness, rather than separate consciousnesses. Like when you stop playing your Mass Effect character and switch over to playing your Stardew Valley character.

This is specifically what makes the plight of Factory Settings so compelling. Because she is just a different face. In a sense, she won't exist anymore when Escapist returns. And yet she will still exist; She'll just be different.

The same way Original Yuki still exists, behind the face of Escapist Yuki. (And, in fact, her continuing to exist is precisely how Factory Settings came to be in the first place.)

I love how it's ambiguous whether Factory Settings is developing feelings for Kyon because Escapist Yuki is waking up....

...or if it's that she sees the same qualities in him that Escapist fell in love with. At their core, they are the same person, after all. It makes sense that they'd share the same taste in men.

Technically so is Original Flavor but she's a space robot and also her Kyon sucks so that's two reasons why this never happened to her. Factory Settings may be closer in personality but she nonetheless exists in a very different context from Original Flavor.

She pushed the glasses case to the farthest side of her table as she could.

She is afraid of those glasses.

OH HI THERE ORIGINAL FLAVOR WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU

Factory Settings over here so focused on herself and Escapist Yuki that she doesn't even question Jake Lockley's sarcophagus over there behind her.

Nice reframing of not only the title of the arc but, in a sense, the show as a whole. This entire series up to this point has featured the Yuki we know subsumed within Escapist Yuki.

In Disappearance of Haruhi, the titular "disappearance" was Haruhi's physical vanishing from North High. But Disappearance of Yuki refers to the vanishing of identity. Factory Settings brings that into the spotlight, effectively pointing to it and going, "Hey! Let's talk about this!"

Very interested to see where they're going with this in part 3.

#the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya #the disappearance of nagato yuki chan #drake watches haruhi suzumiya

[ubike-official]

my dear friend ive been thinking of you talking about having self hatred blinders on with your trip and it really resonated with me like yeah thats exactly what im dealing with rn and trying to pry them off myself but still struggling with it even as im aware of it, i was wondering if u had any tips for moving forward and out of that kind of self hate and trauma fueled horse blinders mindset (aside from yknow. general healing and unpacking it all). no rush or pressure for replying i was just wanting to pick ur brain a little about it ily i hope ur day is going well

Hi Rey, my friend Rey! Thanks so much for being patient with my reply. I wanted to really sit down and give you a good proper answer here so I reviewed the Ancient Texts (my old journal entries). One thing that really helps for me dealing with the trauma self hatred blinders is the feeling that I owe it to myself to be confident. I think of sad little child me and how I know she wanted to be confident and accepted. And when I think of how others made me feel this hatred and that it's not a natural state. That my natural state was happy even if it was short lived, that i deserve to return back to that state.

Now thats easy said but very much not easily done. I still have moments where I realize after the fact i was isolating and falling into bad habits. Like when I was abroad i remember once the guy sitting next to me said hi to me outside of the school gate and was inviting me in to come talk with everyone and i literally ran away and tripped down a flight of stairs where no one saw me, cried, and dragged my bloody knee to a pharmacy to buy a bandaid and no one batted an eye. At that moment i felt like what just happened was proof that I was awful and no one cared about me. But in hindsight that wasn't true. Those people were inviting me in and i ran away. And i wasnt a bad person for that! i just had a lot of trauma and needed some grace and time to process it!

And it took me around 3 months to muster up the courage to try again. And I mustered it a couple of ways. One of my very bad traits that I'm working on is judging others. I remember there was this guy that took the same bus as me, that had such an obnoxious Australian accent and was so Caucasian and had the audacity to just talk to anyone. And I haaaated him. But like, one day it clicked while i was being a hater, this dude legit did not know or care who i was. he had friends and did so many things i wish i could've done. I stopped seeing him but soon a similar guy appeared that was of the same type of person, and one day I talked to him. And it didnt amount to much. But it helped me get over that block. Because if i was gonna spend all that time disliking him, i wanted him to at least know who the hell i was. at least once. Not for external validation, for me. And I feel like sometimes having that awkward, scary conversation can really help.

In terms of processing and healing I really love physical journaling. It doesn't need to be fancy or coherent, but writing it down, especially before bed helps me really process whatever things are weighing me down. I like to get it out right before bed so i can go to bed with a clear mind and not have the 3am lying in bed spiral. And def try to gauge what things you can unpack and resolve with a session otherwise it can leave you worse off.

One thing that helps for me that may not work for you or others given your health situation. I think a casual low intensity amount of drinking with friends or at a bar in a safe space helps. For me being just a little tipsy makes me put my guard down and connect with others and gain confidence from small, low commitment, one off interactions with strangers. This can also be replicated Non alcoholic/substancy in like a cafe, library patio, or community setting. If you're able to find somewhere accessible to you and be a regular and say hi, get some low level interaction. When I came back home from Taiwan I made it a habit to try and say hi to people when i went for walks and just get comfortable doing that. Or I'd make small talk with checkout clerks at the grocery store and juat add a comment in. Like sometimes I'd just rehearse saying something about the weather or the week or idk, anything. And just whip it out of your back pocket. Sometimes it'll land, sometimes it wont.

Hope this is at least somewhat helpful! you've got this, we're in this together^^

#asks #ankhisms

[thepatronsaintoffilth]

Your turn! YSLT-4, 11, and 14!

:D :D :D

4. What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

This one's easy! From chapter 3:

"You precious little thing ... I'm gonna have to teach you everything, aren't I?"

See ... I HEARD that line. In his voice. Clear as day.

And if I'm remembering right, this might have been THE line - like the one that made me go from "I might write this" to "I HAVE TO WRITE THIS".

Beyond that though, this dialogue revealed something to me about my interpretation of Karl that I wasn't expecting: he doesn't just want to fuck this girl; in a warped way, he wants to take responsibility for her. And I think it came as a surprise to Karl because it came as a surprise to me 🤣

It's the culmination of a lot of conflicting emotions: suspicion, arousal, confusion, tenderness, more confusion ... just, a lot. In the span of like 3 months or so, Karl goes from:

"I'm drawn to her, but this feels like a setup. I have to keep an eye on her, she's going to try to kill me or ruin me, and I have to figure out who's behind this, what her game is."

To

"I'm still drawn to her, and she hasn't tried to kill or undermine me yet, and she's really fucking distracting and she won't stop looking at me like that (reader:🥺) and I know she's up to something goddammit."

To

"I'm drawn to her, she's drawn to me, she had no fucking idea she's part lycan and that's why she wouldn't acknowledge being in heat the whole time and holy shit, she has no idea what she's doing, I have to take her under my wing, there's so much I'm going to do to her to teach her ..."

11. What do you like best about this fic?

Oooh, this one's a tough call. I reread my work a lot, because its filled with all the kinks and tropes I love the most. I like the way the reader's inner voice has evolved.

But if I had to pick just one, I'd say the 2nd person POV.

I've written fiction - both smut and otherwise - before, but I had never written in the 2nd person until YSLT. It's been a revelation. It feels so much more intimate than even a 1st person POV; like whispering a dirty story directly into the reader's ear.

And what's more, getting to color the tone of that perspective - the reader's "voice" - while still making it an audience/self-insert feels like having my cake and getting to eat it, too.

14. Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

Hmmm ... I guess I would like others to see that you can really interpret Karl in different ways. That your particular headcanon is valid and enriching and has something to offer in its uniqueness to you.

It's not exactly an earth-shattering conclusion - it's literally the basis of all fanfiction and fandom in general - but it felt really important to emphasize that.

Because I seriously delayed writing this story at first, thinking that no one but me would connect with this version of Karl: still damaged, still more quills than a porcupine, but no longer in the grip of an abusive mother figure or overt external threats. It was really comforting to see other people respond to what I thought would be viewed as an off-brand version of Karl. So I hope readers will take that and run with it, if they want to write their own or enjoy him in their own way!

- M.

#ask #answered #yslt #you smell like trouble #you smell like trouble series #heisenberg #karl heisenberg #lord heisenberg #daddy heisenberg #heisenberg x you #heisenberg x reader #karl heisenberg x you #karl heisenberg x reader #lord heisenberg x you #lord heisenberg x reader #lycanberg #heisendaddy #ao3 #a/b/o #black!reader #black!fem!reader

[turquoisepearl]

Hello girl! How can we manifest new friendships group? I’m struggling to pick affirmations and I give up so quickly all the time. It’s so hard to affirm for something you don’t have..I’m so lonely it’s super hard to try to pretend to have them and when I do visualise I don’t see anyones faces too. I know the universe works in mysterious ways but I don’t have a social life to meet them is it still possible 😅

Hope you are doing well 🤍

Hi babe!!!

Of course it's possible 😌 everything is possible, only you set the boundaries!

I'm going to be honest: I used to be extremely lonely as well. I had friends but they weren't good friends by any means and after a lot of soul-searching I realised I had been identifying with a story that I was disposable and lonely. I still struggle with that story sometimes but now I have a lot of friends and people who genuinely appreciate my company :)

I'll take you through a short recap of stuff I did over the years to improve my self concept! Both techniques and non-LOA stuff! I'm starting with the general non-lawofassumption stuff 🤍

Learn to enjoy your own company! Think about it: If everyone is you pushed out, then how can people enjoy your company if not even you can? Do things you enjoy to do, get to know yourself, take yourself out on cute little dates (like going shopping or hiking). Even for your daily life: play music when you clean, have fun cooking, read books at night and find ways to enjoy waking up! Enjoy being yourself. It seems counterintuitive but this is such a gamechanger.

This is connected to the first point but building your confidence will not only draw other confident people in but will also make everyone else see you the way you see yourself. Start with your self concept: change the way you speak to yourself (rather than "oh I'm so fat" you simply say "I want to lose weight". Make it neutral), be kind and gentle with yourself and your emotions, get comfortable exploring your emotion (online CBT exercises and books helped me with this but you can journal for example). Don't seek external validation, the only validation you need is your own. Realise that YOU and ONLY YOU can decide who you are. I was abused my entire life and didn't get the chance to develop a self identity so I know how hard it can be but I truly mean it when I say that ONLY YOU has that power. No one else can come up to you and tell you who to be or identify as unless you give them that power (and I still struggle with this).

I got over my shyness and became more outgoing after I did all the above and this one thing: just put myself out there! How many times do you judge people when you go outside? And once you stop judging yourself, so do others. I literally had a guy (kind of my current sp 🙈) tell me he had never met anyone that had anything bad to say about me: because I don't do the same to myself. I pushed myself to meet new people and that made me realise that people are never as harsh as your inner critic is.

I would say the things I mentioned above are the most important things to do to really embody the state of someone who is confident, has lots of friends and is extremely magnetic to people!

Now for the law of assumption techniques:

This is a little bit embarassing LOL but when I do my makeup in the morning, I sometimes "hear" people talking about me in my head. Like I do auditory visualisations of people saying "oh my god, she's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen" or "she looks like an angel". This takes the awkwardness out of affirming for me since I too don't always feel it when I say "I am beautiful" or "I have friends". In your case you can just switch it up to something like hearing a person say "she's so genuine, I love spending time with her!". Overhearing it in your mind as if it's a memory makes it feel more real and helps you embody that state.

I have one affirmation that has worked great for me and its because it's something I truly do feel like is true. I say "I am a joy to be around" and envision people smiling around me, laughing at my jokes and enjoying being around me. The most important is that I really FEEL it. My current sp literally told me "I enjoy your company" and "I'm so grateful for you hanging out with me".

I sometimes struggle with visualising but I have had success with visualising hanging out with certain people (I guess non-romantic SPs). Like grabbing a beer or laughing with them. When visualising this I don't try to feel like what I'm visualising is actually happening irl, that has almost never worked for me. I just try feeling grateful for that person and their company.

When I was into crystals and new age stuff, I would do a morning meditation of me cleansing my energy and visualising an aura of love and joy around me. Like a golden bubble I carried around the whole day. I always had people compliment my energy and personality. This is just another way to get into that state!

I hope it helps! 🫶🏽❤️

#law of assumption #neville goddard #self concept

[dearserenesoul]

Sew-cider thoughts

I googled to understand the causes. To understand the real feelings and the thoughts process. I still don't understand. I think no matter how a person tries to convey their feelings & thoughts, people can only try to comprehend it. But the real experience remains exclusive to the bearer. Although subjective, I still think that every reality has the ultimate objective Truth.

Note: Subjective truth ≠ relative truth. Relative does pertain to the perception of the subject, yet there is an element of reduction due to the limitation of the perceiver. While subjective, the truth remains objective yet exclusively to the subject. So, thoughts & emotions being subjective means that it is valid, but just because it's valid doesn't mean it's true. It may be true, but not necessarily. This can simply be demonstrated through a basic syllogism to differentiate truth & validity.

Thoughts and feelings are two-ways street. Thoughts give birth to feelings, so do feelings give birth to thoughts. Round and round.

But here's the closest I've ever had. The worst point of my life I've ever been at. I felt hopeless and stuck and stagnant. I think, it's not that I didn't want to live properly anymore.

I really wanted a better life but I just didn't know how.

It's not that I totally didn't know. I knew, but it's not presented in front of me. I was looking but in all the wrong places, all the wrong ways.

As I tried, I got more & more hopeless & anxious of how I could get out of it. And sometimes my brain would snap, and poof! Numbness.

Even when I was slowly trying all over again, I think the concept of hijrah; physically removing yourself from the old space to a new one; to a better one, a spacious one—if you happened to confine yourself within limited walls, is very significant here. Here's another thing I can write about on the duality of being the subject and object, of being the internal and external reality.

But the thought of off-ing myself never ever crossed my mind. The worst i've ever had was to think that my life is worthless & purposeless. Although i'm always confident about my passion & goals, at that worst point of my life, i just thought that i've gave up on them. Although i've learnt about meanings & purpose of life in dīn; intellectually from the sufi tradition, i just thought that i could never actualize & practice the knowledge & i would just settle for mediocre; stuck & stagnant there.

Was talking to Rai about work when it led to this topic. Apparently she used to have those thoughts. So of course I asked out of curiosity.

After her explanation and all, it affirmed my first premise. Those thoughts & emotions are always relative. I was frowning, trying to focus on her explanation, trying to imagine myself in her shoes; i couldn't reach there. Rasa tak sampai. There's no bridge.

Made me astray the train of thought to human relationships and interactions. Connections are real, as well as not be able to connect. Tak nyambung. Yeah ofc we remain nice, we remain kind and polite, no pretence, no deceit; but if we don't feel connected at soul level, we just don't. Style of communication too, i guess.

It's not a problem, but makes me feel like...it's very rare and a privilege to be able to find a person we can connect to at the soul level; like everything feels familiar, feels like home, feels like twins, feels like we are in the same tribe; soul tribe.

Unfortunately, even soul tribe can be unhealthy from the carelessness of human behaviours & lack of ethical considerations; which can be improved if all parties have the humility and the willingness needed. Yes, even the soul tribe. It's very rare to find a healthy soul tribe connection. I thought i have one; literally singular one such connection; then i'm a changed person.

And now i dont have any of that. None. Zero. And i'm yearning to connect at soul level.

How i wish my life partner; my spouse would be such a rare connection. One and only. Beyond everyone. Not just soul companionship like with best friends. More than that. We have intimate and romantic sides, and i, having that side myself like everyone else, i would really want it to be able to connect at soul level first. Not just lust, not just physical. That's very sacred. Very very sacred, that it takes a sacred covenant like nikah to have one. Literally merging souls through every aspect of the existence of the self.

Wait. How did sew-cider tots lead me to this? Anyway.

. . . . .

One of the signs of growth is in the different way we react to certain things that we used to react unhealthily or in a form of trauma response that reflects our self image.

I uploaded an IG story of my photo with the song Kita Bikin Romantis. Cuz i can. Cuz i got carried away from the mushy mushy love between the husband & wife.

I'm aware that since the last heartbreak, I have seen romantic relationships in the bad light. So many wounds & triggers. I want to shed all that. I want to open myself again, yet more healthily & wisely. To be able to be present as my authentic self without guard and triggers. To anticipate instead of being afraid. I want to meet my spouse. Hence the caption.

Then a senior out of nowhere forwarded to me a post by a content creator;

That's so random.

My overthinking brain tried to understand the randomness. Cuz she never ever forwarded any post to my DM. This is the first time and why this?

Not that i'm having taaruf with anyone. Not that i'm marketing myself as currently having taaruf or wanting to have one.

Damn, i realized i got triggered! My old self would want to over-explain herself & feel like she had been perceived wrongly and in bad light.

But i quickly intercepted that thought. Is the bad light true or is it really just literally random? Even if the intent i assume at the other side is true, so? I just...ikutlah apa pun. Nothing to bother my head for. This is really nothing.

But with the one i used to boast our companionship with, she had this habit of criticizing whatever i post on my ig story. This is not right, this is this, this is that...at one point, i was like...girl what's the problem with you? Why do i need to care what people think? I don't do harm to anyone. I don't spread falsehood or fitna. All that i post is just about myself & my life. I don't mention or harm anyone. Just my life. Your helicopter behaviour is so annoying, girl.

But my old self used to take it seriously. Like, why why...have i sinned? Astaghfirullah i've sinned. I will delete this.

Like, c'mon. I know my limit too. I'm my own person & i don't have to explain myself. I don't have to shape myself to people's perceptions or what people may perceive of me. Shut it.

I'm on my own, kid.

I used to put some people on a pedestal, taking their words seriously, not realizing that i allowed them to not take me seriously. Now i no longer care. Yes, i still respect some people, i acknowledge whatever they have more than me; usually when it comes to knowledge so i would think that all their personal perceptions are truth.

Not anymore. I would put a limit to what is the knowledge i can benefit from you, and what is just your personal perceptions and opinions.

No, you're not khidr to my musa.

If there are people i would still uphold in that manner, would just be my teachers. Teachers that i've really trusted their perceptions through the course of time. Other than that, we're just adults still learning to grow and make silly unnecessary mistakes, even if you're seniors.

[apple-bottom-jeansx]

HERE IS MY GUIDE TO LOVING AND ACCEPTING YOUR BODY

I have absolutely no qualifications, other than I used to struggle with this myself and these are the things that worked for me. (I hope this makes sense)

Take notice of when you are actively looking at/focusing on your flaws, and then stop. Sometimes I am looking in the mirror just picking at what I don't like about myself. When I notice I'm doing this, I stop immediately. It serves no purpose, and is really harmful. It also habit. The more you stop yourself from doing this, the less inclined you will be to do it.

Dress yourself in things that make you feel good. This one doesn't have to be crazy unless you want it to be. The idea is if you are constantly seeing yourself in outfits that you look good in, that can easily transfer into simply believing you look good. It can be accessories, the colors you wear, anything.

Decorate the parts of yourself you don't like. This one sounds a little weird, but its so easy. I have been made fun of my ears in the past, and so, even though I don't think there's anything wrong with them, I'm insecure about them. I got two helix piercings and I am literally so obsessed and confident. It doesn't even have to be this permanent or expensive though, I saw one woman who didn't like her cheeks so she put glitter on them. Acessories are great for this as well.

"love yourself exactly as you are" does not have to be an end all be all if minor changes make a huge difference. Growing up I hated my eyebrows. Then, one day, I went to get them threaded and saw them shaped for the first time. That was all it took. I love my eyebrows now, even when its been a long time since I shaped them. People are going to try to say things like "you should love yourself without changing anything" which is mostly true, but if something like plucking eyebrows once a week makes the difference between hate and love, my advice is just do that.

meet yourself where you are. a lot of people out there act like you have to love all of yourself 100% of the time, but that is not realistic. First, understand that feeling neutral about yourself is also a great place to be. That is perfectly fine. Also understand that this is a journey and sometimes you won't like some things about yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Along with the last one, you don't have to showcase features you don't like. I have a really long torso, and I sometimes get insecure about it. In a perfect world, I would love my torso. I am just not there yet. For the time being, I wear high-waisted pants when I wear crop tops. I love the way my figure looks in that combo, and I'm good with that. I don't need to wear low-waisted pants if that's not what I feel confident in.

allow yourself to admire yourself. This one is kinda the opposite of not focusing on your flaws. When I started this habit, I had exactly two features that I liked myself: my hair and my eyes. If I looked in the mirror and I thought either of those two things looked good, I would stand and admire myself for a couple extra seconds. Gradually, over time, I started to admire myself as a whole. Now sometimes I look in the mirror and I'll be full blown feelin myself and checking myself out. My roommate and I joke that I might love myself a little too much, but i'll take that over hating myself any day.

remove anything that makes you feel bad about yourself. People are constantly talking about how society has unrealisitc expectations for how people should look, but I never heard anyone actually tell me to remove these influences. Going on instagram, for example, used to upset me so much because each time it would trigger my feelings of hating my body and wanting a different one. I one day went through and unfollowed every account that made me feel that way, and those feelings largely also went away. Be it social media, magazines, or something else, remove anything that makes you feel like you need to change.

realize external validation is an okay place to start. Internal validation is the end goal, but it can be a very hard place to start. Compliments were everything for me in the beginning. One reason I would say this isn't end goal is because I would do things like wear outfits that I new other people would like. The onion that really matters is your own, not anyone elses's. Eventually you want to be able to tell yourself you look good, but this helped a lot for me because I was able to switch to thinking "hmm maybe I'm not as ugly as I thought if someone else thought I looked good enough to tell me about it"

dont be afraid of loving yourself. I could not tell you why, but I was terrified to let go of all of my negative feelings. I'm here to tell you that if you feel this way, it'll be okay. The transition is slow, and its not bad even if it seems scary.

Remember, loving yourself is a process. If you work hard for a little while but are still struggling, don't give up.

If you guys like this and I think of anything else I'll come back and add more stuff!

#positivity #body posititivity #body positive #love your body #self worth #self care #self love #self esteem #self help #personal #body image #life advice

[kithmet]

hi! i read your beautiful fic after nickelodeonhottub recommended it over on her blog, and just can't stop thinking about how well you managed to write/develop dream and george's characterization. she mentioned that you used astrology to kind of influence your writing, and i wanted to ask your opinion about dream and/or george's charts...i'm fascinated with the way you described them and would love if you could explain some of your thought process about their personalities/charts

Hi, anon, thank you for the sweet message! This is a fantastic question to be asked, especially if you enjoy talking about astrology and Dream and George as much as I do — but I fear you didn't know that I am neurotic as hell and am going to respond with a full-on essay. So, uh, sorry for that. 

Preemptive warning that this post is my own personal thoughts, heavy on the speculation (and while I do believe in my takes, I’m not saying you have to), and some dashes of truthing. Here goes, under the cut.

Before getting into the astrology part of it all, I need to put this out there, first and foremost: a lot of my characterization in this fic had to do with the fact that I had consumed all public information about these two beforehand. If you like Dream and George and follow them and went back in the time machine of their history from 2019 onwards (and listened close enough to stories they tell in recent years about how they were before that), I feel like it’s easy to come to personal conclusions off of watching them, seeing how they act (both individually and together, and also with their friends compared to one another), and also how much they have changed (once again, individually and together). My friends aren’t into astrology and we discuss them all the time; they don’t need astrology to ‘get it’ or read between the (very obvious) lines.

But, having knowledge of astrology and birth charts and synastry does make it easy to fill in the gaps, to understand them on a deeper level, beyond what they give to fans. I love learning about people, especially through their charts, so naturally I took several looks.

In terms of characterization, Dream is straightforward for me. I pay close attention to everything he says and does, so all the details that he offers up whilst talking about himself and his life, even the way he lies. That man loves to talk. It makes understanding him easier, even though he hides parts (which he is fully entitled to). Seeing how much he’s evolved as a person in only a year is really fascinating; the ways in which he handles controversies, criticism, his fanbase, his haters, his career, how he speaks about his struggles (then and now), how he talks about subjects like politics or internalized homophobia, all of his pastebin posts and the countless podcasts, how he talks about school, how he’s spoken about his family and friends. He’s interesting, and pretty open. 

The stuff he’s not open about, or that he evades — well, that’s where astrology would come into play, to help figuring things out. I literally cannot go into every single detail in his chart, I would be here forever, but quick notes: Leo sun, Leo mercury, Aquarius rising (the self, communication, how one comes across to others): so, he’s passionate as hell (once again, easy to see for anyone with eyes and ears), bit of a god complex whilst still deeply insecure and desiring of external validation. Virgo moon and venus (emotions, love): perceptive, loyal, loves to overthink, constantly aiming to be the best possible version of themselves, pushing through the tough shit to get things done. Scorpio mars (energy, sensuality): an all-consuming lover, obsessive, intense, emotional, wants to know every fucking thing about the people around them, especially their love interest. Possessive, too. 

Characterizing George is tougher, because he’s more private than Dream. It’s why people often get him wrong, or misunderstand him and his intentions — and, well, I know not everyone aims for pseudo-realism when writing RPF, but I kind of do. I like reading much-too-realistic fic; it’s my favourite. George might not like to give up personal information, at least not in the public sphere, and he’s a bit harder to understand. He prefers it that way, which I respect. A bit cryptic, isn’t he? A bit of a chaos king. A menace. 

But, I see through him. Sorry, buddy. Love you, but your chart is such a tattle-tale. Also, the fact that every single friend that talks about George uses the word ‘kind’ and ‘easy-going’ to describe him when he’s such an instigator and sarcastic bastard (/pos) on stream is pretty fucking funny. He cares a lot, about all of his loved ones — but with Dream, he’s on an entirely different level.

Scorpio sun and mercury: he’s intense, very emotional, but he tries to hide it. He doesn’t want just anyone to know about his deepest, darkest feelings and thoughts — he needs to really trust that a person won’t hurt him before he lets them in, fully. A lot of this is probably why he’s so private, too, but why all his friends still know (parts of) his true self — he lets them in, at least as much as he can. Cancer moon: he is a sweetheart. An angel. A bit of a manipulative fuck (lmfao, and this goes for the Scorpio aspects as well), but that’s not a bad thing! He’s very shameless and obvious about it at least. Libra venus: he gets a lot of friendly and romantic attention, as he should, and he loves it. Thrives in it. Virgo mars: uh, how do I say this lightly? Kind of a freak. Kind of wants to know everything about their lover to the point that they will perfect whatever it is they’re doing. (Every single person I’ve spoken to that has a Virgo mars and every astrologer that I follow that talks about this placement says one thing: they are freaky. In terms of uh. Y’know. Stuff.)

Honestly, with his chart in mind, it’s easy to see the parts of George that slip through the cracks, and also the part that he plays off as jokes but actually means deep-down.

Together, Dream and George share a lot of traits. Deep-rooted loyalty to those that have earned it, obsessive and possessive, intense and passionate, the desire to know every part of one another, mutual jealousy. A lot of caring, between them both, a lot of kindness between them (and for others). An understanding of one another that people might not get, but I think for them, they enjoy those parts of each other? Like, the jealousy, the obsession, the possessiveness... I think they can recognize these things in each other and appreciate them, see the value in them, rather than believe it is bad for their relationship (whatever their relationship may be). They know parts of each other others don’t. And also: I think they can see through each other pretty easily. The things that they hide, the stuff that they might repress, the stuff that they might not find easy to say directly, et cetera. That’s basically why I wrote this entire fic, to be honest.

I didn’t even get into the fact that they have Mars-Venus conjunct (what the hell, why is it like that), the Lilith-Sun aspect whatever the fuck that is (it’s a lot, just Google it), the specific house overlays, the Plutonian extremities, the shared Scorpio and Virgo planets in their charts. These bitches are obsessed with each other on another level, and that’s especially George (though Dream a lot too, but he’s more outright about it). Dream is not a Scorpio, so he doesn’t try to hide it the way George does, but I mean... George is pretty obvious, though he doesn’t intend to be. Listen to the man in any stream. He’s obsessed with Dream, jfc. He cannot shut up about him; he relates everything back to the man (his height, the colour green, his name(s), even his star sign, anything Dream has said or mentioned ever). He wants Dream’s approval for everything he does, to know everything he does, to know every part of Dream (and I bet this is why it drives him so fucking crazy not knowing what he looks like, yet). He just... deeply loves Dream lol, and that is evident. Especially if you have the context of his chart and their synastry, it’s easy to understand why. 

I mean, they are best friends. But there’s a lot of potential for more in their charts. We have been watching their story unfold for months, years for others, so we know better than anyone that these two are flirty as hell and have romantic undertones and overtones and every-tone-ever in all aspects of their ~friendship~, so we can see they’re blurring the lines. Do they have limits? Boundaries? No. Do they want them? Also no. Kind of crazy. 

This is also why I wrote this fic this way. They’re constantly pushing boundaries with each other, and their sexual tension is otherworldly, so I wanted to explore a world where they continue to push and push and push until they finally give up. Also, it was fun to write it at this specific point in time, where I find they seem to be very comfortable with their relationship (once again, whatever it is. Only they know.).

Final comments... uh, basically I wrote them that way because I observed them closely and then used astrology to figure out the not-so-obvious parts. Obviously my word is not God, I could be wrong on a lot of it, but astrology doesn’t lie if you believe in it (which I do, and have since I started studying it 2016). Also, Dream is the craziest bitch in existence for giving fans his full birth chart with time. I love him for it. The end.

#replies #anonymous #astrology #tbwdakq #also i need to look into where people are talking abt this i'm crazy and also like to know Everything

[kazuwhora]

hello there! I've seen a few of your matchups pop up in the tags and I was wondering If I could please request one for tokyorev (romantic)?

My pronouns are she/they and I am 5'2, average weight, shoulder length brown wavy hair, blue eyes and my overall style is a shit show but I tend to wear a lot of flared jeans or cords and

I am an infp, 2w1, aries son, cap rising and Leo moon and my love language is physical touch and acts of service. I am very in tune with my emotions though I often struggle to display them outwardly so people sometimes call me a robot (also might be because I have a resting bitch face and I pretty quiet). I am introverted and pretty quiet until you know me. I am also very good at keeping my cool and not reacting to things outwardly even if it really angers me. I'm kind of the 'mum' of my friend group, and I always look out for them no matter what. For example, my friend has really bad anxiety so I used to always have to ask teachers questions for her. People often describe me as 'nice' and 'sweet' but since I grew up with an intj dad, I can be a bit manipulative sometimes without even realising. Like not in a bad way necessarily but I am very good at lying or sculpting situations to make me or my friends feel more at ease.

Some of my hobbies are arguing with people on reddit, baking muffins, studying typology, digital art, making flower posies, going to the beach at winter since it's peaceful, being outside in general and making hats.

Sorry if this is too much, but please take as much time as you need and have an amazing day/night/morning! :)

nothing is too much information! the more you provide the easier it is for me so don't you worry about it! thank you for requesting and being so patient <3 also ur reddit comment made me laugh because as an entp same

im matching you up with my sweet boy kazutora!

god I love him so much. this is an interesting match up but im going to explain why I think this is actually a really sweet pairing so hold your horses on any objections LOL

so kazutora is an extremely emotionally vulnerable person. you two share the same mbti (infp) which essentially means your cognitive functions are all based around emotions and feeling as well as introversion. you both value similar things, but you also both experience a lot of things in life the same way. kazutora, while growing into a more developed and healthier version of his old self, is still extremely emotionally damaged and vulnerable to attacks against him. kaz needs someone who can feel emotions and process the external world the same way as his because he just needs to be understood. he needs someone who can tell him they get it, who mirrors his own emotions and validates them. he needs someone he can see himself in, a role model if you will. as an infp, you're just the one to do that.

kazutora will be the friend that might need you to step up for him and take the lead, though once he's a little more surefooted and stable, he wants nothing more than to have a balance between you as an effort to sort of repay you for any trouble he might have caused. with his emotional trauma, he resorts to feeling guilty at any sign of burden he might be to you, and will retreat as a means of protection and self preservation. in these cases, your ability to manipulate and lie is an asset because sometimes he just needs that reassurance and false sense of security to get by.

he also greatly values your introversion. as an infp and someone with emotional trauma and hurdles to jump, an extravert is fine but he truly thrives with someone that can understand his need to retreat and embrace it without hesitation. together you two find comfort in staying in and just being in each others presence. he'll like to cling to your back and bake with you, handing you ingredients as you do all the work. you'll have to bark at him to do something but he can't help that he just wants to be close to you. he really likes to press his face into the top or back of your head and smell your hair. its a self soothing behaviour that he literally thinks is the best thing in the world. he'll kiss the top of your head while you're busy baking and mixing ingredients, he'll forget what you asked him to do because he was too lost in your scent, and when you finally get frustrated with his uselessness you'll turn around and look at him with stern eyes and like a guilty puppy he'll shamefully grab all the dirty dishes and measuring cups and start washing them like you asked him 20 minutes ago. you wont be able to stay annoyed with him though because he's just so sweet?? and he never stops making it known how much he loves and appreciates you <3

#KAZUTORA MY BABY #pls bake him muffins and tell him hes worthy

[adamsvanrhijn]

@thismoleculeisacomedian

wait what is your opinion? Do you think he hated himself for being gay? (I disagree w/ that viewpoint, but would like to understand what it is & where it comes from.)

I definitely don't think Thomas hates himself for being gay — at any point in the series. I also don't think he ever moves away, internally, from "I am not the same as you, but I am not foul". I have seen people say that what happens in S5 is an indication of that and I completely disagree.

However.

I do think Thomas has low self-esteem for essentially the duration of the series, and I think he experiences self-hatred that is complicated by the fact that he is gay, surrounded by homophobia, and almost certainly a victim of complex trauma (also related to homophobia).

Thomas is confident in one thing over the course of the entire series, and this is his exceptional competence at work. He recognizes his own worth and takes pride in his actual value, which I think he actually sees very objectively. (Facebook moms, etc, do not agree with me here.) Wherever possible he makes himself indispensable, and it is in my opinion literally something he clings to as a reason to live.

(I also think he cares deeply about and, until S2/S3, has confidence in, his physical appearance. But that is a different piece.)

One of his most basic psychological needs is to be needed, and as part of this, to be contributing to something larger than him and to be essential to its functioning.

Literally in the very first episode of the entire series, we see that he is recognizing he may not have a place at Downton at all, and if he does, it isn't a place where he is valued and appreciated. This is a psychological threat—time and time again after this, we see him start to lose his head at the idea of instability.

How does he react?

By trying to make himself necessary elsewhere.

The amount of birds he is trying to get with one stone—

Give something that is necessary & desired to a man he loves

Resolve an issue at his workplace (I don't think he thought about this much but I do think it would have crossed his mind)

Escape a place he is not valued

Move upward in his current social hierarchy (domestic service)

To a job he is skilled at and enjoys

The job itself is providing essential service to the life & functioning of another human person

That human person is his lover, thereby fulfilling a different emotional need (his and said lover's)

And even when he is almost certainly set on running off into the sunset with the Duke, he still jumps at the chance to prove his worth when Bates goes, because that's just how he functions.

Like, in terms of the relationship specifically, he is trying to solve the financial problems of the Duke's estate AND become the person responsible for his daily care & keeping AND establish a safe way for them to be lovers For Ever And Ever—where he can then emotionally & sexually fulfill him on top of the physical, mental, financial and societal (having a valet as social status but also as the person who arranges pretty much everything for you and keeps you up with appearances) and needs he would be meeting.

CLINGY MUCH?

And then as soon as it starts going south his tactic is:

Look at how bad I want it

Look at how good of a valet I am

(You promised!)

Look at how good of a lover I am

Look at how much I know & care about you

Except then—

{clear internal chaos}

I do not care about this in terms of you at all, your needs never meant anything to me, this was just about me and I'm not the vulnerable one here, you are

But what is blackmail?

Blackmail is when you threaten another person with exposure of private/secret information to get something out of them.

The idea is that the victim will fear losing social standing or facing legal consequences enough to provide whatever that something is—and it can leave long-lasting damage regardless of the length of the extortion itself, because the victim has a psychological, and it follows, social & physical need, to maintain their current life sans embarrassment or like, a criminal record. Even a threat itself that cannot be carried out is damaging, because it makes the victim aware of the possibility.

The victim has to rely on and trust the blackmailer (that they will keep their word) while also fulfilling their own demands. Indefinitely, or even like, forever. Control freak much? Etc.

"smithensy when the fuck are you answering the actual question" PROBABLY NEVER

It's also a common event with relationships resembling theirs, so it's bound to be the first thing to come to mind! And he came up with it in the moment and clearly regretted it like, immediately!

Absolutely! Agree!

...except that he does it again.

And then again.

The second time, he is actually reluctant! He knows in what way he has been trusted and he knows what need he is fulfiing! And he really doesn't want to break that trust and stop fulfilling that need, even though his own needs have been intentionally torn to shreds!

But the next time he does it it is intentional. It is not split second and it is not against someone who has severely harmed him and brought the threat of ruin over his head. He takes it really fucking seriously, to the point of neuroticism, and he constantly reminds that person that she needs him—and although Baxter has to be liked for his requirement to stay in the know, I think there is also a vicarious element. He is giving her everything she needs to become indispensable. He's doing it while also holding the one thing that could ruin it over her head, yes, but he is also using her as like, a way of validating his own understanding of the house and who lives in it and what they require.

Anyway.

There are many points in his arc in the series where someone prone to depression and suicidality could be driven to attempt suicide. I can think of like, five off the top of my head.

But when he does, the breaking point is that he sees himself as unvalued and unnecessary—in essentially every area of his life, but especially his job and industry, which as above is really the only thing he never wavers in.

And he still doesn't waver in the work itself, necessarily. His problem is not that he is no longer skilled at his work, or that he can't meet his own expectations. It's that the job itself is surplus. It doesn't matter how good he is anymore; it doesn't matter how perfect he is. He has no control over it and it is the final straw for someone who has been fighting for scraps of agency for his entire life and only managing to have them through self-harm (see series 2).

I do not think Thomas sees himself as Enough. That is why he strives for perfection—if he is Good, and Skilled, and Talented, and he is needed, that is almost like being loved.

And by working his ass off and keeping the expectations of others around him low, forcing a poor opinion of himself, he is putting himself in a position where even if he isn't able to give it his all, his 70% or 60% or 40% is still better than what all these other people are capable of at 110%, so even if he is disliked and looked down upon and nobody wants him around, well, they have to keep him anyway because he is That Good and things will fall apart without him—

—and if it doesn't work and he has to go well then at least they'll be sorry when everything is ruined and he is irreplacable!

Aaaaaand he's thrusting himself into isolation and shooting himself in the foot.

The self-hatred piece is knowing that no matter what he does he will not be Enough, that there is just something missing. One piece is out of his control but he can never successfully work around it, so he can never have what he wants. The lack of success is what is driving the inward resentment. He has a lot of regret and guilt and he blames himself for every single action he takes that results even slightly in a loss of dignity. Again we see this in the first episode but also, like, the entirety of series 2, 3, 5 and 6 have this thread weaving in and out. When being mean and externalizing his blame doesn't work or make him feel better he turns it around.

The S5 plotline is more to do with having something than getting rid of something. If he can just have this one thing it will make everything else go away; it is the key to Being Enough.

And then in the cottage hospital he is immediately lashing out at and blaming himself for bothering to want that, let alone to try it.

Baxter is right, though! His tolerance for pain and suffering in the pursuit of fulfilling his own needs is extremely high and he seems determined to push it.

People who have lots of self-love and self-respect do not constantly punish themselves.

I have been writing this post for two hours and I don't think it makes much sense. I am going to make dinner now.

#downton abbey tag #thomas barrow posting tag

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Peace! It's nice to meet you, fellow mbti person! I'm so glad to have stumbled upon an ISTJ who is into typology! I have a request. I typed Elsa from Frozen in a post (I'll tag you) and I argued that she is not an ISTJ. I wanted to know what you thought, particularly if I made any mistakes in understanding the ISTJ personality type. Thank you so much in advance! I hope it's not too much of a bother. I'm an INTP btw.

Hi,

I want to start out with the following: for anyone reading, do not make a habit of having me analyze your posts about fictional characters. I am happy to help you type yourself, or answer questions about MBTI. However, in case it was not clear from the fact that I have only typed fictional characters in response to direct questions, that my answers have typically been very brief, and that I’ve repeatedly directed people to blogs that specifically focus on character typing, I’m not really interested. I should note: I had fun because I love picking up my metaphorical red pen and writing “wrong” over every other sentence, but it did also take me like an hour and a half and it’s over 3 pages long, and I don’t have time to do that regularly.

With all that said, the post had sufficient issues with both basic logical argument structure (I would very strongly recommend you revisit that INTP typing of yourself and look at something with high Fe instead) as well as understanding of MBTI that, because you asked directly, I will go through said issues. I want to make it very clear: this is going to be harsh. For both that and for the length I’m putting it below a read-more such that if you were looking for a brief thumbs up or down and not for extensive criticism, you are welcome to ignore it, block me, or whatever is best for you.

Basic argument structure: you open repeatedly with the most subjective arguments - that she gives off Fi and Ni vibes and you don’t see the Si in her. This will convince no one but yourself.

This argument is also mostly focused on “other people think this, but I don’t” which I find is only useful in a process of elimination argument. We’ll get to the final typing eventually but it is generally stronger to argue in favor of what you believe and then address potential disagreement rather than the reverse; by the time you get to ISFP I’ve read so many incorrect assumptions and subjective asides that I’ve long since stopped valuing the analysis of the work.

Issues with the ISTJ argument

(note: I have, and continue to type Elsa as an ISTJ so this will be the longest section in that I’m both pointing out flaws and arguing in favor of ISTJ; the rest will be solely focused on MBTI misconceptions or logical fallacy).

While it’s true people often mistake trauma for Si, this argument seems to equate trauma with being stuck in the past (people can just be stuck in the past without trauma for whatever other reason - it’s not healthy but it does not necessarily indicate literal trauma). There is also a false opposition here: It’s absolutely valid to argue that Elsa is traumatized, but that does not preclude her having Si, merely removes one argument in favor of Si.

You define Si (gathering concrete details to understand what to expect) but don’t actually argue why Elsa doesn’t do this. I’d argue, in opposition to the statement later in this paragraph, that she does. She is aware from the past that her abilities can harm her sister. She is aware from her past that when she avoided Anna, Anna was safe. She hasn’t been happy with the “conceal don’t feel” line, but it has achieved her goals and her expectation is that she’ll hurt someone if she stops following it.

If you’re referring to an Si-Fi loop (wallowing in self-pity), it doesn’t use Te since that’s how loops work. You don’t explicitly say this is in the context of looping although you introduce looping in the second sentence, but if you are referring to a loop this is incorrect. It’s true that ISTJs are often likely to use Si (preference for familiar/existing structures) and an Fi understanding of morality to direct their energies when they wish to change something (ie, they will change things through existing channels) but the focus on speaking out about injustice here is much more in line with enneagram 1 - a very common enneatype for ISTJs and an enneatype that’s rare for any non-TJ types, but not the enneatype I’d give Elsa nor an inherent ISTJ trait itself.

The part about self-discipline is mixed - a lot of ISTJs are very disciplined in certain areas (particularly professional/familial) but can neglect the self (not getting enough exercise/not eating well, not addressing burnout or more emotional issues) and I’d argue again, Elsa shows this: she’s not addressing the fact that she’s lonely and miserable, but she’s highly disciplined with regards to concealing her abilities and avoiding Anna even though it’s the very thing making her lonely and miserable.

I don’t necessarily think Let It Go is indicative of an Ne grip, but one can make changes outside of a grip, so this isn’t a useful argument, as it argues why an Ne grip is wrong, not why ISTJ is wrong - I would merely argue she’s not gripping at that time. Which is a general issue here: the argument you provide in this paragraph isn’t arguing against ISTJ, it’s arguing against other people’s arguments for ISTJ, which is an important distinction.

The final paragraph of the ISTJ section has numerous issues: ISTJs are not rebellious. They are not as resistant to change as stereotypes indicate, but even a healthier version of ISTJ Elsa would be unlikely to rebel and rather try to understand her parents’ argument, research other options, or look for a way to gain control over her powers while still working within the normal hierarchy. I addressed self-discipline (I should add: I don’t think a child/young woman having difficulty controlling magical powers with no training is an argument against self-discipline; my argument for self-discipline is that she stays in her room and away from her sister despite clearly hating it). It is also, to be blunt, mind-boggling that you (correctly) argue that trauma responses are not inherently Si but then refer to obsessive-compulsive behaviors as Si when that’s also a medical disorder completely divorced from the MBTI framework. Finally, her continuing to follow an order from her parents after they die is first, quite literally the definition of self-discipline (she’s the queen; no one else is going to discipline her for it, after all) and second, entirely in line with Si (this is what she has always done and it’s not great but it works) and is, arguably, if not medically obsessive-compulsive, an obsessive need to follow a compulsion. To be clear: this isn’t healthy ISTJ behavior, but since you’ve acknowledged grips and loops here I think an unhealthy interpretation of the type is very much on the table. You say her behavior is more in line with F types; it’s not and you don’t explain why.

If I may it seems as though, much in line with the argument here being against other arguments but ultimately not debunking the typing, your arguments against MBTI stereotypes focus on what’s incorrect but they tend to merely swing the pendulum to the opposite side (eg, that ISTJs are likely to rebel, in opposition to the stereotype that they’d mindlessly follow orders) rather than find the more nuanced middle ground of how people of a type or with a certain function behave.

Issues with the INFJ and INFP sections:

Ne users can and frequently do go out into the world; simply because Ne can be engaged without external physical stimulation doesn’t mean it never is. I’m also not really a fan of reading being classified as a strictly introverted pursuit; that’s falling into a pretty significant stereotype trap. Going out and exploring is a thing anyone can do but if anything I’d either associate that more strongly with high sensing (either Si or Se) or with extroversion. 

My biggest issue here is the implication that searching for a meaning for existence or a purpose is in itself an indicator of Ni. This is just the human condition. If you’re going to argue that Si users are driven to rebel against injustice I don’t see how you can miss that that might in turn be driven by a belief that this is their purpose. Perhaps Si-Ne users aren’t as invested in having a single purpose, but wondering why you are on this earth and what it is you are here to do is just being a person, and to be blunter than I have been, I am struggling to understand how there has been so much effort made earlier to push away from stereotypes to the point of overcompensation in the opposite direction and then when it comes to the idea that only Ni users have a desire for meaning in life you just accept it without question.

Issues with the ISFP section:

At this point I’ve probably covered most of them though I’d like to point out that I don’t think there was an argument ever made explicitly for introversion; while the structure of the earlier arguments and focus on debunking was, as stated, flawed, I would at least round it out by eliminating ESFP as an option.

The argument here rests heavily on Let it Go, which is interesting because most of the terrible arguments for Elsa being an intuitive also rested squarely on that same brief if admittedly pivotal section of a full movie; in attempting to differentiate itself from those arguments it has in fact replicated the most significant flaws. Anyway, I’ve addressed that I don’t personally think Let it Go being indicative of a grip is how I’d argue for ISTJ, so that becomes invalid; I’ve tried to focus more on issues with logic MBTI than the contents of the movie but I’d add that “she was happy” is open to interpretation and her emotional state was probably fairly complicated. Relieved, sure, but she’s still ultimately isolated. (Also while mentally singing Let it Go, I realized that here’s that rebellion you were asking for in the ISTJ section).

You also outright say that when Elsa tries to reassert control it’s through Te. Yeah. That’s what a high Te user does. An ISTJ in a grip would indeed use Ne, but in quite literally any other circumstance (looping or just existing as an ISTJ not in a grip or loop) would reassert control via Te, so again, your argument does not sufficiently eliminate that Elsa is an ISTJ, just that she’s not a gripping ISTJ, which I’d agree with. 

“She acts out when she is stressed and makes bad decisions” is also the human condition (and why I’ve frequently on my blog argued very strongly against typing via stress behaviors, because in the end most people...act out and make bad decisions when stressed), so this isn’t useful as an argument for anything.

In conclusion: multiple misconceptions about Ni and Si; no argument that I could find presented for high Fi, just Fi in general; inconsistency regarding whether or not Elsa rebels, and an overall reliance not on making a new argument but on arguing why other arguments were wrong. Given the title of the post you asked me to analyze I have to (admittedly this is extremely cynical of me) wonder if there was an underlying goal to come up with a typing that was different from commonly accepted arguments, rather than to simply type for its own sake. 

#mbti #character typing #istj #seireinocookies

[mbti-notes]

Would you mind explaining why you see Rey as ESFJ and Kylo Ren as INTP from the new Star Wars? I've always seen Rey as a stereotypical ISFP action hero (quick to adapt to new situations, hands on, a fierce sense of 'moral right' borne of self), and I'm undecided on Kylo, but thought he exhibited FP tendencies -- a struggle between self-identity and rationality, that indicates a F/T imbalance.

[con’t: In reading Leonore Thomson’s book on personalities, the Fi-dom section brought Kylo to mind – unless prone to developing Se/Ne, the IFP fiercely guards their sense of ‘identity’ / self against outside influences and becomes rigid. Isn’t that what he’s doing, in differentiating himself from his parents and refusing to see reality any other way than what he has decided it is, based on his feelings / experiences?]

Judging by the debates I saw online, there doesn’t seem to be any general consensus on either character, which is interesting. It’s a trilogy and the character development beats are scattered and difficult to piece together. And there were several blanks that I had to fill with my own speculation. I didn’t really enjoy the process of typing these characters, but I did it because I kept on receiving requests week after week ever since the first movie came out. I found the character development arcs shallow and poorly paced, and the resolutions were too pat to be very interesting. I reviewed the Kylo and Rey scenes several times, with different personality types in focus each time, in order to ensure that the function pieces fit together to my satisfaction.

      ***** Major spoilers ahead! ******

Kylo

Although I think there are weak points in her book, I don’t take issue with Thomson’s description of Fi doms. I mainly disagree with the motive that you ascribe to Kylo. I don’t think he’s being protective of his identity, I don’t think he cares about identity, in the way that Fi doms do. I will concede that he gives the impression of being a rebellious teenager in defying his parents/mentor/birthright, but defiance alone does not make him Fi dom. Pretty much everyone (even some animal species) goes through a stupid teenage phase of rebellion at some point in their life, and some people never properly get past it. To me, he looks like a stuck-in-adolescence INTP: entirely too full of himself and blind to everything else.

One little point made it difficult for me to settle on a type. Leia was absolutely convinced that Kylo was “manipulated” by Snoke/Palpatine to join the dark side, but there was little indication from Kylo, Luke, and Han that this was actually the case. Should we trust Leia, since the movie portrayed her as being much more powerful than meets the eye, or should we trust Kylo’s subjective experience of himself as being fully and completely the master of his own fate? I go for the latter. If anyone’s going to be prone to blind belief, it’s a mom who doesn’t want to admit that she’s lost her son to her enemies. And I see no compelling evidence that he is a person who’s easily manipulated, emotionally or otherwise, which is a big strike against F. If you see such evidence, please present it.

The most revealing aspect of Kylo’s development was found in the conflicting and exaggerated accounts about what happened with Luke that led to the destruction of the Jedi academy. If you grow up being fed a constant diet of legends about galactic warfare from the Alliance, you’re naturally going to think of the Jedi as the good guys and the Empire as the bad guys (as we, the audience, are supposed to). However, if you’re Ben Solo, you don’t experience the Jedi as good guys, at all. He was “abandoned” by parents who were too busy/neglectful/high-minded to properly care for him and he was “abandoned” by a supposedly saintly mentor/uncle who wanted to kill him (even if the urge was fleeting). Additionally, Jedi training is essentially martial arts training in that you’re not supposed to use it violently unless you absolutely have to, which leaves the Jedi looking like total wusses much of the time, politically, always leading from behind and allowing evil to get a foothold over and over again.

Therefore, my theory is that Kylo turned, completely willingly, because he saw nothing but pathetic posturing and hypocrisy around him. It was an extremely deep cynicism (the belief that “good”, “love”, “happiness”, or anything that makes humans noble, don’t really exist) that allowed him to fully embrace his own darkness to very powerful effect - no manipulation necessary. This wouldn’t work with Fi-Te but fits with Ti-Fe. I postulate that his conception of morality was extremely reductive and childish. Essentially, “good guys should be totally free of bad”, so any whiff of anyone feeling conflicted or making dumb choices and they no longer get the privilege of being labeled as a “good” person. Accordingly, any hint of conflict in himself cements the fact that he is bad, irredeemably bad, because he’s full of conflict. 

But I argue that the reason he’s full of conflict is not because he’s bad or a Feeler, it’s because the way he was being taught was not well-suited to his personality at all, in fact, it was quite damaging to him, which pushed him into skepticism and alienation. Here’s the blank I’m filling in: Luke is Fi dom. Fi and Ti do not communicate easily. Being forced or shamed into being good with no proper reasoning process by Fs tends to really aggravate inferior Fe grip problems in young Ti doms (it’s a common relationship dynamic). Fi doms construct beliefs from their feelings and it’s easy for them to expect that everyone should feel-believe the same. How is a person supposed to react when you keep telling them to Fi everything but they simply can’t or have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about? External manipulation or not, I speculate that Kylo was already in a deep state of doubt about whether he was in the right place. Luke’s intense fear and disgust in that fateful moment only confirmed Kylo’s suspicions that he didn’t belong there, and that Luke was no “good” guy. 

Seeing oneself as irredeemably bad is a big blow to the ego, so one must engage in self-defense. The fact that turning dark allowed him to realize the full potential of his force capabilities, to him, meant that the Jedi were completely wrong in their conception of what is “good”. Therefore, he doesn’t consider himself to be bad per se, rather, he believes that he has discovered the truth about what it means to be great - being great via T is better than being good via F. He was trying to discover his true self through dominant Ti, perfectly normal part of development, but he chose the wrong path, because it was a reactionary decision that was merely rebelling against all the people who were trying to force him into being F. This poor choice meant that he had to keep trying to sever his connection to everything good in himself = disowning F. In his mind, the Jedi were stupid, weak, and deluding themselves all along, but he knows what’s up, and that granted him a high degree of confidence in his decisions. He saw himself as the real deal because he was smart enough and strong enough to be brutally honest about what he is. In essence, he’s no faker, and that makes him superior. These mental gymnastics happen with Ti, not Fi. 

When Fi doms (even just start to) see themselves as bad, it ruins them and renders them impotent and dysfunctional (see previous post about Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender as a great example). Yet I see no compelling evidence that Kylo’s identity, feelings, or conflicts held him back, rather, they only served to fuel his rise. Despite appearances, he didn’t lust for power and validation like Te loop/grip, rather, he was only interested in self-mastery, and was willing to do whatever it took to achieve it, because he had no other ideal outside of himself to believe in. Nothing could really stop him unless he decided to stop. When he was frustrated, he would let it out in a quick burst, and then continued on as though it never happened (Fe). He was actually very disciplined in growing his abilities by setting consistent and logical challenges for himself to overcome (Ti), and he always succeeded in achieving his goals and reaching whatever potential he had envisioned for himself (Ne). Furthermore, someone who is very “defensive of their identity” wouldn’t be able to change themselves on a dime, as he did at the end. When faced with the right counter-evidence, he did a whiplash 180 without hemming or hawing or performative self-flagellation or whining about “losing myself”, etc. Would that be possible for Fi-Te?

Rey

Is she introverted? She is unapologetically assertive, she gets involved even when it doesn’t/shouldn’t involve her, she never balks at interacting with people/objects, she always faces situations immediately, she has trouble holding her tongue, she has difficulty introspecting (as evidenced from Luke’s training sessions), and most importantly, she exhibits no sign of needing a lot of down time to recharge. I’ve never known an introvert like that, let alone an ISFP, as they often dwell in their feelings away from the world and dislike taking on too much responsibility due to inferior Te. If she’s introverted, provide me with evidence, since I seem to have missed it.

I don’t think that there’s any evidence of N. She’s resourceful to a certain extent, but she seems to rely very heavily on other people to generate positive ideas and possibilities for reassurance, because she starts to panic when thinking on her own about “what could happen” (low Ne). She doesn’t easily come to intuitive insights about anything, let alone the future (no Ni). One scene in particular made me LOL. Luke was training her and asked her to close her eyes to meditate. He instructed her to “reach out” (to feel the energy of the force), and she extended her hand out physically into the air. That is the exemplar of being too literal. Furthermore, she spent how many freakin’ years following the same set routine day after day, in the same crap dump of a town, waiting obediently for her parents to pick her up? That’s the exemplar of Si discipline. Would SPs be capable of that patience or living in the dreary past for so long? 

I agree that she is primarily motivated by her feelings when making judgments and decisions, which means F. She had to fend for herself since childhood, so her skills are unsurprising. Yet she irrationally lacks self-confidence despite the fact that she’s proven over and over again to be quite scrappy and capable, and people even tell her as much all the time - this is likely to indicate an inferior T insecurity. She has great difficulty (i.e. is unconsciously resistant to) probing around within herself, which is common for inferior Ti in not wanting to feel one’s own darkness. The fact that introspection results in her discovering that her deepest, darkest fear is being completely and utterly “alone” as a “nothing” in “nothingness” is very compelling evidence for inferior Ti.

If inferior Ti, then dominant Fe is a must. I see lots of evidence. She is inexplicably able to communicate with anyone, of any species of bot or animal, with effortless empathic understanding? Her first stance is to give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter how strange or wayward they seem. She has a very naive trust in the goodness of people despite dealing with crooks all the time. She takes it upon herself to bring out the good in people whenever she is in a position to. I don’t think she’s always sure of her feelings (Fi-Ni), rather, she’s always sure that there is goodness to be found if one only looks hard enough (Fe-Ne). A lot of people have strong moral feelings and values, so I’m a bit tired of the lazy stereotype that Fi doms have the monopoly on morality. If you’re going to reference a person’s morality, go deeper to see what exactly it is they believe, how they came to those beliefs, and how they express those beliefs in detail, as that would be more revealing of their functions.

For such a goody-goody-two-shoes, her response to Kylo wasn’t the judgmental disgust that Luke barfed up (Fi-Te) but rather a scary desire to figure him out (Fe-Ti). She seemed quite UNcertain about her personal feelings about him (not Fi), which made their relationship one-sided for quite some time, as she struggled with the push-pull dynamic. ESFJs are often attracted to “dark and mysterious” people due to the unconscious yearnings of inferior Ti, even when Si-Ne warns them that these people are bad news. And it doesn’t get more mysterious than some powerful dude dressed in black donning a mask that shows up in random visions. When avoiding him was no longer possible, she made an admirable effort to dive deeper into his perspective, even when she rightfully feared losing herself in the process. She felt compelled to “get both sides of the story” in typical diplomat fashion before deciding what to do, in hopes of “fixing” Kylo through repairing his relationship with Luke.

Although there seemed to be constant teasing about the possibility of Rey turning dark, I never really saw any possibility. She gave no major indication of being afraid of turning, and it seemed that she never lost touch with her strong desire to be good. She only ever indicated a fear of failing to perform her duty capably (Si) and of failing all the people who were relying upon her powers to succeed (Fe). Discovering her true lineage didn’t really shake her because her parents were good in spite of their bloodline, so there was already an “exception to the rule” for her to follow and emulate. Turning dark would sever and betray her emotional connection to her parents - totally out of the question.

As far as I can tell, the only reason she survived her horrible childhood relatively unscathed was because she held on to the belief that her parents loved her enough to come back, i.e., emotional connection to others is her lifeline. I don’t think it’s an accident that, in her moment of greatest need, it was the connection to past Jedi and their encouragement that saved her butt. She was existentially SHOOK when Kylo claimed that her parents were horrible and abandoned her. And she was only able to find her footing again by inserting herself (i.e. “belonging” to) the Skywalker clan, essentially by being the model of a kid that Ben should’ve been. What self-respecting ISFP would be happy latching on to someone else’s mom, riding someone else’s coattails, and literally defining their identity through someone else’s name and legacy? 

I’ve heard some people critique Rey as a flat mary sue character, and I see where they’re coming from. But which type is most likely to resemble a mary sue at first glance? She is supposed to be the hero in a fairy tale after all, so one would expect her flawedness to be minimized.

Relationship Dynamics

In the final movie, the audience is bludgeoned over and over again with the claim that Kylo and Rey are meant to be a dyad. This all but guarantees that they will be exact functional opposites, otherwise, there would be no strong sense of complementary forces pulling them together into one perfectly harmonized and united front. Although the chemistry between them wasn’t properly developed IMO, I think I saw on paper what was meant to be happening in terms of the writer’s intentions.

Luke was unsuited to helping either of them with questions of identity and morality because, being Fi dom, he took these things for granted, presumptive, already settled non-issues, which amounts to him being closed to any real questioning and discussion. As a result of lacking good guidance, what drew Kylo and Rey together was an underlying need to help each other make sense of themselves, with the unconscious suspicion that the other person held the missing piece of the puzzle. 

Rey was only able to reach her potential by confronting the full extent of her own darkness within (inferior Ti), which was what Kylo forced her to do in incremental steps, as he kept nudging her to question her fundamental beliefs about who she is and what she stands for, presumably in the same way that he had done for himself. But it’s not as easy to twist someone’s sense of morality when F is at the top and healthy versus the bottom of the stack. By making it through his gauntlet of tests and critiques and facing down her fears, she was able to develop into a stronger and more self-assured person to eventually achieve inferior Ti closure. Don’t forget how her eyes would light up when hearing stories of Jedi masters and their achievements. It is mainly EJs who run headfirst toward responsibility rather than away from it. We see, in the end, a picture of Rey as a beaming, confident, and self-possessed person who feels like the world is her oyster, fully inhabiting her role in the hero story that she had always wished to be a part of. The audience is meant to believe that she’s the rightful heir when she finally believes in herself.

By questioning Rey’s identity, Kylo eventually had to question his own as well, since he was the one who wanted to believe that they shared a similar path to feeling lost. Kylo is stuck in adolescent cynicism as explained above, with Si loop resentment from the past preventing him from seeing other, better possibilities for himself. Late in the trilogy, I see in his face that he’s probably suffering from the sunk cost fallacy of thinking that he is past the point of no return. Perhaps he believes that he has no choice but to resign himself to the fate he has chosen (parallel to Vader) since Ti doms strongly believe in personal responsibility. He’s not wrong. If he wasn’t irredeemable at first, he certainly was after the profound destruction he had wrought. Ti doms are rarely wrong as their logic is usually impeccable, but they tend to lack perspective. E.g. He’s not wrong in believing that people are hypocritical because they really are (Ti factual judgment is spot on), but then he defines his terms too narrowly in dismissing all people as unworthy of being called “good” (Fe value judgment is very immature).

What finally broke the mental confinement of Si loop? IMO, three contributing factors: 1) He started to suffer the same skepticism about the dark side as he had with the Jedi, since Ti promotes impartial judgment, which opened him up somewhat to questioning his choices. INTPs deeply dislike sheep mentality and blind ideology, so being constantly asked to prove his “allegiance” and quietly “submit” all the time by his superiors only served to reveal their flawed mentality in the same vein as Luke, which gave him the logical justification he needed for eliminating one boss after another. 2) He was drawn deeper and deeper into Rey’s psychology, which backfired on him, because it proved to him, again and again, every which way, that goodness is indeed possible, as Rey easily aced every temptation and challenge that he was able to fling at her. For NPs(Ne), believing in possibility can’t help but create a strong desire to actualize it. 3) Leia intervened with what I’m assuming was one last-ditch attempt to communicate how much she truly loves him despite what he’s become, which perhaps served to expand his thinking about what it means to love. 

In the end, he redeemed himself on his own terms (even if he was not fully redeemed for the audience). As a result, he discovered something resembling happiness in his last moments of connection with Rey. You can’t tell a Ti dom to be good “just because”, or take goodness as default without question, or present a fake and idealized image of goodness for them to live up to, because that will never satisfy Ti. At the same time, morality cannot remain an abstract concept or else it is very easy to twist upside down. Goodness must be deeply FELT in order to be a motivating force, and he, at long last, felt goodness in his bones, through his decision to place the greater good above himself - inferior F often means arriving very late to the feeling party. He finally caught a glimpse of what he could be and should be through Rey’s, and possibly his mother’s, eyes, which allowed for inferior Fe closure. He had always gotten by okay without love and only believing and trusting in himself, but he realized that he was far better off for opening himself up to something more. 

That’s my take anyway. Or perhaps that’s what I needed to see to make the story more interesting for myself, lol.

#star wars #rey #kylo ren #fiction #fictional depictions #esfj #intp #ask

[worldsfattestdog]

SO FUCKING PISSED. This Chernobyl level toxic ass bitch who I barely even knew (bc I never fucking liked her and the only time we hung out I felt obligated too bc she was crying and going off about "dark thoughts". People like her are why I don't like to even try to get to know most people or let them know me. She's a fry-brained idiot racist whose never made a good decision in her life, but starts giving my info away and talking shit about me to all the people she works with who I kind of know through an actual friend who is unfortunately stuck working with her(and also despises her)?? Literally telling people I don't even know all this shit about me needing help and being so lonely???? I've literally never said anything to this bitch about my life or personal problems and fucking none of my issues have anything to do with being lonely???? I live alone, I used to not live alone, and I made the choice to live alone BC ITS FUCKING GREAT. If I wanted some random guys to start hitting me up I'd open my tinder back up. I'm just flabbergasted. The fucking nerve of this bitch to talk about my personal life and mental health, when she knows nothing about me and God knows I would never get that honest with her bc I never trusted her for a second. When we "hung out" the last time bfor I fucking ghosted her ass, she kept making a huge deal of how she doesn't understand how I can spend so much time alone. BITCH BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF AND DONT NEED EXTERNAL VALIDATION 24/7 LIKE YOU. Not everyone is so afraid of the thoughts in their head that they need another person with them at all times. Not everyone needs a hostage to sit there and look at the shitty Facebook memes you're going through, most people can entertain themselves without desperately needing someone else's attention... Bitch get your man who you cheated on to buy you some jeans that fit and maybe a puzzle or coloring book or something because you clearly need something else to do

[naruhearts]

OKAY SO I've just spent the best part of an hour scrolling through your blog and reading a bunch of your destiel meta and I HAD to message you... I was one of the many people who STRONGLY believed destiel had a chance of being canon after season 8 (more like season gr8 am i right), but throughout the years I slowly lost all hope. However, S14 has made me 110% invested in the show again and YOUR META IS GIVING ME HOPE FOR DESTIEL, which is TERRIFYING. Your writing is wonderful and I'm STRESSED.

Got back from Washington late last night!

Oh my gosh @alovelikecas, your message really made my day and I’m SO glad you enjoy my meta xox (even when most of my meta looks like, to me, sloppy-ass writing, haha! I’ll probably make an end-season meta post after 14x20 — if I have the time — that touches upon SPN’s current and repeating themes since Season New Beginnings S12/Dabb Era, not to mention I have, like, some more unfinished meta in my drafts >.>)

Yeah I mean, I didn’t join Destiel land until Summer 2016, and before that, I was late to the Season 11 party, so I basically had no narrative context for anything, and I’ll copy-paste what I said here: 

Looking back, one significant thing I recall? S11 gave me a sense of Destiel’s true narrative validity (as not a ‘fanon’ ship but organically developed in the canon) when I perceived it as a season that was ‘missing something’. Keep in mind I had no idea about Destiel yet while watching S11 at the time.

I was literally asking myself — repeatedly — why Dean/Amara seemed to contain odd narrative holes, considering A. Dean explicitly said that the non-consensual attraction he felt for Amara was NOT love and “it scares him”, B. Amara told Dean that ‘something stops you - keeps you from having it all’, C. Djinn!Amara stated that she can: ‘feel the love [Dean] feels, except it’s cloaked in shame,’ and D. Mildred’s iconic ‘You’re pining for someone’ —> which did not logically correlate with A and C, meaning: since Dean doesn’t freely love Amara and thus isn’t possibly pining for her — with female love interests as currently non-existent (I remember crossing off the dead/gone girls on a piece of paper lol) — who the hell was he pining for, then?

Originally posted by elizabethrobertajones

Obviously, without writing long-ass paragraphs of meta about it again in this post, S11 made sense as soon as I watched it within the Destiel context (especially after I read up on some grandiose pieces of Destiel meta (@charlie-minion was the very first person who inspired me to write meta; I followed her once I joined the fandom Oh my god, here we go, holy crap this subtext – I’m invested in this godforsaken ship because they’re in love with each other and I’m not getting off any time soon. The rest is history.

I’m aware that I do come off as positive (and I’m still Destiel-positive; whatever happens in 14x20 this week may or may not change that), but I hope you don’t mind if I use your lovely ask as an additional opportunity to clarify my meta standpoint: no one’s saying Destiel WILL become text. 

The general Destiel meta community (all subfactions: Destiel-positive, -negative, -neutral, and in-between) is not the Most Holy Canon Word, and we aren’t SPN writers, and again, we can’t actually speak to the veracity of Destiel as guaranteed-gonna-go-textual, but we — a diverse pool of critical thinkers from all walks of life: particularly those who have some degree of experience in literary academia/English literature studies (fun fact: I was actually pursuing a Minor’s in English until I changed my mind - my first love’s Health Science/Biology, which I stuck with, but here I am doing lit-crit analysis on the side *wink*) — can speak to the veracity of Destiel as a real, palpable, and ever-substantial long-running romance narrative aka the love story between Dean and Cas IS THERE. I see it. We all see it. We didn’t pluck it out of the random ether one day. It naturally evolved across the show’s overarching narrative like some vast spiderweb, linked together by numerous character arc amalgamations of Dean Winchester and Castiel as separate individuals who were then brought together — who brought themselves together, by the sheer force of free will and choice — and are now inherent parts of the other’s story (and respective character progression).

I say this too many times to count: the entire point of writing meta? Personally, it enables me to appreciate the literary gorgeousness of Dean and Cas’ relationship as, first and foremost, a tentative alliance offset by the very moment Cas raised Dean from perdition (it’s a poetic beginning). Their alliance then inevitably proliferated into a rocky — at times, necessarily turbulent — friendship, then a deep profound bond…one that crossed platonic boundaries since S7/8 and is, ultimately, indelibly rooted in romance. Together, Dean and Cas build up each other’s strengths, complement each other’s flaws, and narratively motivate the other to self-introspect — to become the best version of themselves that they were always meant to be: self-actualized entities who let go of their painful, horrifying, psychologically/emotionally destitute pasts.

These above reasons and more are why I think Destiel belongs right up there on the shelf of Ye Olde Classics, similar to epics by John Milton, Shakespearian tragic dramas, Homeric characteristic cruxes, and the great Odyssey journey: a legendary journey, fraught with circumstance, that finally ended with Odysseus (now an enlightened man) returning to Penelope, the love of his life.

Channeling the scope of Homer’s Odyssey, Destiel is an incredible storytelling feat of obstacles, both internal and external, romance tropes, mirroring, foreshadowing, and visual cadence/emotion, enhancing SPN’s already character-driven main plot in that Dean and Cas try to make it back to one another; like Penelope, their love holds true despite everything. If Destiel were an M/F couple, we all know their love story would be absolutely undeniable to the GA.

I do understand the bitterness S14’s fostered in some viewers, though. I do understand that Dean and Cas seem distant (and yeah, it’s a noticeable difference compared to S12/S13), but I believe the Destiel subtext is still heavy and holds steady.

Right now, at this point, there remains multiple personal issues for the characters to solve, you know? Dean and Cas aren’t talking properly; their love languages stay mistranslated, although we’re persistently shown that they still understand each other on a certain level that no one else can, and the visual narrative keeps framing them as on-the-nose solid counterparts: a domestic-spousal romantic unit independent of Sam.

Originally posted by incatastrophicmind

They want to be there for the other. They need to quash the final remnants of their respective internal loathing (Dean’s self-worthiness, Cas’ self-expendability) before they’re able to give the other 100% of their time, efforts, attention, and love (as flawed and complicated but compellingly beautiful as it can possibly be). During the times Dean and Cas do try to talk shit out, extraneous issues continue to get between them.

As other friends/meta pals discussed with me, S14 is like S10 in that it’s confusing the cast/audiences. And exactly: S8, besides S11/S12/early S13, also belongs in the close-to-canon serious Destiel narrative transition! I can discuss the showrunning/writer problem of SBL (Singer + Bucklemming; @occamshipper hits the nail on the head) that tugs subtext – especially subtext linked to Destiel – back and forth, sometimes in the weirdest nonsensical ways, but I won’t go too far into it here. I agree, however, with the recent idea that Jensen does seem a bit confused as to where he should bring Dean emotionally this season (don’t get me wrong, I do NOT believe Dean is OOC; OOC is a completely different concept vs expected character behaviour). And if Dean’s consistently romance-coded past interactions with Cas are any indication, Jensen would also — in the same vein as all of us — want Dean and Cas to start getting their shit together. Long-running fictional characters like Dean and Cas, conceived over 10 years, are so well-written to the point where you, the author, can predict what they’ll do even if you just plop both of them inside a room and give them no direction, and I personally feel that nowadays Jensen is prevented from achieving Dean’s further internal growth/unsure how to act in the moment because of some dumb SBL scripts saying one thing while his character’s heart says another. Wank aside—

Season 15 should hopefully convey a much more logical subtextual perspective e.g. unbelievably amazingly cohesive Season Destiel 11 that aired after choppy S10. Not all hope is lost!! I also want to clarify that I personally LOVED Season 14 in general. It’s been mostly Emotion-centric constant, with Yockey, Berens, Perez, and Dabb usually making my top-rank SPN writer list.

Currently the narrative’s still allowing pretty significant (imho) wiggle room for the lovers to fracture apart and get back together, where their miscommunication comes to a dramatic head. We just saw Dean and Cas argue over Jack’s well-being in 14x18 and 19. Dean — besides putting Cas at the top of his You’re-Dead-to-Me-Because-You-Lied-but-I-Still-Love-You-Goddammit hitlist (for clear spousal-coded reasons) and taking Cas’ actions to heart (he’s the person he trusted the most who lied to him) — no doubt blamed himself for what happened, and Sam was, like I said, the mouthpiece of truth. TFW were all culpable. They all failed Jack in some way, shape, or form.

I’m not expecting anything for 14x20, but I’m nervous either way! Thanks for sticking with my long answer

#ask #alovelikecas #destiel positive #my stuff #my meta #spn s14 speculation #spn s15 #season who am 14 #supernatural #destiel #narrative #character development #wank for ts #ish #spn s14 #spn s11 #deancas #the greatest love story ever told #14x18 #14x19