Midnight Pals: Chesssss
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: good newss
Rowling: we've jusst achieved a major victory!
Rowling: transs women are now banned from competing in chesss b/c of their biological advantage
Rowling: i know this ssounds like a joke but for real
Rowling: for too long have transss women unfairly dominated the world of chesss
Rowling: with their incredible wrissst ssstrength, they're jussst too good at picking up thossse little piecesss and moving them around
Helen Joyce: the phenomenal wrist strength of trans women, like some kind of mad jungle ape, is a threat to the petite fragile bird-boned cis women of chess, so really the only logical response is to kill them all
Rowling: yess yess thisss sscansss
Jesse Singal: dark lord! dark lord! pick me!
Singal: i can think of another rationalization
Singal: i mean reason
Singal: for banning trans women from chess!
Rowling: yesss? Singal: they're born men, right? so that means they're smarter
Rowling:
Rowling: yess that sssounds right
Rowling: it'ss true, men do naturally have ssmarter brainss, too ssmart for biologically dumber women to compete with
Rowling: therefore we need to ban transs women
Rowling: we're really sstriking a blow for feminissm here aren't we?
Helen Joyce: lol don't ask me, i'm just a girl
JK Rowling: alssso trans men have to forfeit all previous pre-transssition victories
Rowling: no reasson for that one, jussst to be dicksss really
JK Rowling: our official terf death eater posssition isss now that women are biologically dumber than men
Helen Joyce: sounds great!
Maya Forstater: that's right!
Julie Bindel: [with red tape over mouth] Hmmm!
Allison Bailey: we demand to be taken seriously!
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Am feeling self indulgent rn so I’m making a post about the Individual!Jesses
June 24 update: I have no idea when this was made but I continued it and I just want this out of my drafts. Also I like the Jesses a lot.
Putting this image here for reference
September is partially deaf after the formidi bomb incident
March is deaf from birth so she teaches September how to use sign language
The name they chose for Aiden is blaze rod symbol (using two pointers and make it an X letter) and a thumbs down
June, July, and August are dyslexic
June and July don’t prefer reading so they make do with whatever they have
I’m saying mostly on August since the two felt more comfortable letting August read for them
They rely on August, mostly, and the other Jesses to read for them
August can read a couple of words but mostly the shorter and simpler ones
He prefers to type out words rather than to write it with his hand
April has a weak arm in her left from the Formidi bomb she has taken arm therapy to strengthen it
Lukas dislocated his after being pushed off from Sky City so both him and April take arm therapy
It’s kind of awkward considering April is dating Aiden
“You having no hygiene makes me thankful that the water bill’s price isn’t high.” - April @ Aiden
October is blind
Not fully blind as in you can’t see nothing, but where certain parts of your eyes are blurry
June an May are in the autism spectrum
They send each other autism memes along with that autism creature
January, February, and April made an inside joke of “We don’t talk about bruno” but it’s Ivor
They made this and sent it to the individual jesses Group Chat (THEY HAVE A GC 😭)
August wonders why he’s there
January, February, and April thought it was funny
May made an (old) Order of the Stone group chat (excluding magnus/ellegaard depending who died) and sent the image to them and left
No one knows how to respond
Except for Ivor he saved it and cackled
Ivor brings that image up every time the old Order of the stone mentions the past or had a backhanded comment about Ivor
Ivor thought August made it and complimented him for it
August liked being complimented so he took the credit
In the Jesses group chat, there would be constant memes and crush talks
Sometimes if one of the Jesses have the same crushes they would respect it and just perform a bigger bond on their crush
July, September, and October are around the Aromantic and/or Asexual spectrum
The closest to a crush for them is deep admiration
But not to where they want to date them romantically
April is the first person to pull a date, AKA Aiden, because her personality is more suave than the other Jesses
January is the last to pull (not counting the aroaces) but he never pulls
January never will
The Jesses are proud Petra and Lukas enthusiasts
Also this AU can be connected with the Choose Story AU
It’s just that I use May Jesse a lot more than the other ones but it still applies to them
February, March, and July are amputees
March is from birth while February and July got it form the wither explosion
Also July’s shirt thingie, I’d like to think he’s wearing a blue shirt with a transparent long sleeves. No one knows how that works or will look like but it will work somewhat
August and June love acting
When Romeo disguises himself as August or June, people just assumed they want to roleplay as an evil character
Until it became legit LMAOOO
May, November, and December can draw
December is confident in showing his artwork
While May is shy. Sometimes he’ll show it but either shitpost doodles or the ones he already finished that isn’t embarrassing
November is confident also and she displays them in her room when given a chance
September likes taking care of flowers and her own garden. She gives them to people daily
Those are the headcanons I have for now. Like I said, this was in my drafts for months so it’s better if I post it now and keep out the clutter. If any of y’all want to ask some things about them ahahaha ask box is open :D
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Midnight Pals: Ssussspicionsss
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Elon Musk: eyyyy i just thinka you should post somethinga besida da transphobia, si?
Musk: lika da strega bambino!
Musk: da people lova da straga bambino! [chef's kiss]
Rowling: wow elon maybe you're right
Rowling: maybe i should take a break from transsphobia to talk about the sssix other booksss that i'm planning to write
Rowling: becaussse there are sssix other minoritiesss that have really been pissssing me off lately
Rowling: [counting off on her fingers] sssso my next books are gonna take down the transss, the queersss, the dissabled, young people with blue hair, hoodie ssscum, and fattiessss
Rowling: they've all had it too good for too long
Rowling: thank you for having this conversssation elon
Helen Joyce: oh no! the dark lord is in trouble!
Rowling: i'm fine
Allison Bailey: elon musk is attacking the dark lord!
Rowling: thatss not whatss happening
Jesse Singal: mommy needs our help!
Helen Joyce: how dare you speak to the dark lord like that!
Joyce: you will regret this day, elon musk!
Joyce: we are, even now, just asking questions about your larynx size on mumsnet
Musk: mama mia!
Musk: ey whatsa matta for you?
Joyce: wow elon that italian accent seems to be suspiciously averaging in the 75 htz range and i'm hearing a lot going below 50
Bailey: very suspicious
Julie Bindel: [tape over mouth] mmf!
Bailey: that's right julie
Bailey: you sure said a mouthful!
Joyce: i can't believe that elon musk is actually trans!
Joyce: why else would someone get bored listening to a constant, never-ending 24/7 stream of transphobia?
Rowling: wow i never thought of it that way
Rowling: but you're right
Rowling: it is the only logical explanation
Musk: issa notta true! i hata da trans people justa as much as you!
Musk: my son, he tella you the same!
Musk: [falsetto voice, hiding behind couch] eyyy its me, elon musk jr! my cool dad issa real transphobic! ga ga goo goo! i amma NOT a sock puppet! don't a look back here!!
Rowling: you lied, elon! you and your naturally occurring sssmall gametesss, the mark of a lying AMAB!
Rowling: but
Rowling: if elon was sssecretly transss this whole time
Rowling: ANYONE could be ssecretly transss
Rowling: any one of you could be a traitor!
Rowling: everyone iss ssusspect!
[camera slowly pans around circle]
Jesse Singal:
Allison Bailey:
Helen Joyce:
Julie Bindel:
Jed the sled dog from John Carpenter's The Thing (1982):
Maya Forstater:
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