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publicprocessingbemethang-blog · 2 years

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OMG OMG OMG AM I A BADDIE?!

So my lil high school sweet heart or whatever is back in my life. After many toxic iterations of our love story… being mentally I’ll together and a part. Being abusive together and a part… going through community drama together and a part…

We have come back together while healing. We still be on fuck shit. But are aware and take responsibility more often than not.

ANYWAY this nigga got a whole husband. AND AND AND is poly. And asked to be my boyfriend 😭

Now you know I just got out of some shit… BUT OMG!

He knows me and is sweet while also dominate. We just got close to 10 years under our belt. He knows the signs that I am triggered. I know people often label his as aggressive or judgmental.

Yesterday he picked me up from my parents’ , drive to Wisconsin where cigs are cheaper and bought me THREE PACKS!

We went grocery shopping for the special dinner he was gonna make his husband and in the store he would grab my hand, lead me to places, and push me around in such a protective, this my anxious baby kinda way.

He gave me an O for free, took me out to eat, we got Pho.

Smoked me up and gave me drinks. And idk I still find it so sexy when a nigga can drink and drive and still be a better driver than most.

I am concerned cause I skipped one of my classes 😬. Also my baby getting back into some snow. But I’m meditating on the best course of action.

I really just loved how I get to be my full bratty self with him. And how he respects my bodily triggers. He don’t touch me unless I touch him but knows that doesn’t apply when I’m anxious.

He and I have similar identities and struggle with community in similar ways. We been out here queer and doing activism for a long time.

We comfortable with each other! We den almost killed each other and still knew deep down their was childhood bonding and loving.

Even though he broke my heart in more major ways in paper than my most recent ex. He didn’t false avertise and now has worked on taking accountability.

Whenever my ex text me, or we share space a shrill rolls through my body. Their own physical manifestations of insecurities, trauma, and shame make my skin crawl. I’m distrustful of their attraction towards me. They still give off the sentiment of “sorry not sorry” when they cross my boundaries.

It makes me anxious that they have a sims character of me. I felt violated when they gave that character a kid and used the name Araki. And all the bullshit about making me, the girl version of our friend, and them in a triad runs me the wrong way. I get why folks use sims. To me it’s a bit too meta. Plus I’m like… don’t put that energy on me for a sense of control.

And plus the fatphobic comments they make… I never got over them first sucking on my third eye without asking, repeatedly playing with my nipples when I said no, and often saying their attraction to me makes it hard for them to adhere to my boundaries. And I hate how in their head they turn it into “I’m not ashamed to love you or desire you” like nigga! They a survivor of sexual assault too and are fat so I’m like… have you never felt like a human fleshlight or blow up doll where folks are like “eh, you’ll do to satisfy my urges”?

Yesterday our mutual friend got out of rehab. So even though I broke up with my best friend as well, her and I made amends and went to the house of artist after I had school and work.

My ex was working late so it was just… a lot going on. Our mutual friend has been gone and he often kept spirits high and the peace. He lives with my ex, so naturally they are closer.

But I worked hard on not pushing my paranoia onto people. Anyway I was on a high from my date. I was finally treated like a Baddie Goddess where I get the offerings and protection, and stares of admiration. It felt good to feel attractive enough to be given gifts for simply being me.

But last night at the spot… idk my ex was being weird. It might have been influenced by me posting a pic to my insta story where I’m grabbing my boyfriend’s thigh while they drive and “I’m in love with your nigga” is playing. Yea I’m the whole “when she with the nigga she told you not to worry about” meme. 😬

Anyway my ex has a stress coping skill that triggers me. It’s a “low” level form of self harm. But creates a lot of puss and bacteria. Before they crossed my boundaries it was hard to bring up. I did tho, but not directly. Their touch with the combo of their self harm and boundary crossing makes it so my skin crawls when they touch me. I immediately get itchy.

And I’ve been worried about touch since I was 9 years old. There are times when I scream for my dad not to touch me. Before this summer, I went two and half years without sex, dating, or even much hugging. And I get itchy all over from anxiety at times. I get rashes from soap detergent.

And then their ache and crave for touch makes me want to repel. They remind me of how desperate I was with The Joker. And idk when anyone likes me and starts craving my touch… I immediately want to run away. I get annoyed with people like I do with pets. How could you ever express your need for touch without shame? Without fear of rejection? Without keeping in mind desperation is not attractive?

I feel like The Joker in this relationship. I was the first for my ex in a lot of stuff in terms of romance and touch. They were the most vulnerable with me. I feel guilty about that alone. I know how it feels when you’re lovesick for a nigga.

Also their pushy-ness triggers the fuck out of me. Is that how I be looking?! Saw on insta yesterday that we need 8 , 20 second hugs a day. Minimum. I crave full body hugs from people I feel safe with. I don’t feel safe with them anymore. I worry about my skin, I worry about stringing them along, I worry they don’t see me outside of their attraction to me.

Plus they broke up with me twice because I didn’t have the time/was triggered by laying in bed with them. I like to trap! Staying in bed too long just reminds me of 2020 and 2021 where I was glued to my bed and gained so much weight and anxiety. As well as all the times I’ve been raped. Or pushed into being intimate.

Now they are love bombing me, love letters, phone calls, rides, cigarettes, weed, money. They are giving me a lot of gifts. But unlike with my boyfriend, it just makes me feel weird. Lowkey I’m so happy and gushing about my boyfriend giving me gifts and rides… but am also triggered. I don’t like being dependent on others and I already am so much. I don’t like having to think about people’s intentions/reasonings for giving me gifts.

With my ex I know I’m going to look like a user. I feel like a user. Like this past week I’ve only entertained them because I couldn’t afford Lyfts. Well that’s not the only reason. I do want to be their friend. I love how smart and creative they are.

I don��t like how they use to beg me for touch or kisses. Even before we were on bad terms. They use to beg me for more “quality time”. But they just meant cuddling in bed and having sex. And would get so upset and then shady or irritable when I wanted to hang out with their housemates or trap with my friends. Their would be days i focused all of my energy and intention of their pleasure (they never made me cum, would touch me sexually without my permission outside the bedroom and then always want to receive more than give inside the bedroom). One time I cuddled with them all night even though I was just going through my own personal triggers that had nothing to do with them. We were a little sexual although I wasn’t 100% secure. Then I’m the morning I rubbed and massaged coconut oil on their entire body.

That same day we got into an argument about “quality time”. They never took me out on a date, I always came to their house, and pleasure was mostly focused on their needs. They got mad social anxiety so I was trying not to trip until the argument over “quality time” came up.

They stood strong on not wanting to feel shamed for their desires. Which I encourage. I just felt like my triggers and symptoms weren’t really being listened to. Like, coming off if sex work and rape… I HATE when people expect and demand my touch or sensuality. I immediately feel of service and like an object.

And I was playing healer and caretaker a lot in that relationship. Yea they gave/give me rides… but I was a whole therapist with them. Let me give them more credit, they put up with my rants pretty well.

I just have been appreciative of my boyfriend’s approach and energy. He doesn’t NEED my touch or reassurance. Or accepts and feels love when all I can do is sit with him. He doesn’t consume my stand offness as him being not good enough. He isn’t dependent on my sexual attention. And I recognize that’s partly because he is married. And is conveniently attractive and thin. He, for the most part, knows he is desirable so I don’t have to fill his cup in that way.

All the people I am currently attracted to are fine ass Niggas that got hoes. I’m trying to discern their privilege versus their experiences versus the nature/timing of our relationships when comparing them to my ex.

These niggas never pressure me verbally, physically, or energeticlly for touch. Omg I love it when folks express openness with their body language without outstretching their body or energy towards mine. Like they make their attraction to me known but then just sit back, calm cool and collected and wait for me to engage. Like yesterday my boyfriend let me take lead on kisses or would just idk lean his head up and forward without demanding a kiss.

Which made me feel like he wasn’t relaying, demanding, or depending on my touch. Which made me feel enthusiastic to give it. I’m such a bratty verse. 😂

And then the other two ppl I’m craving intimacy with are unavailable (???) okay that’s giving attachment issues. Which, YES. Same time though, these men have expressed liking my PERSONALITY AND ENERGY. They’ve expressed being attracted and drawn to my energy but like are in relationships so I feel no responsibility. They also busy as fuck and got everyone on their dick.

Also just still battling with the trauma of being a fat pussy owner whose been taught male validation is the be all end all.

Yesterday was amazing though. BITCH IMMA BADDIE! 😂

Jk though cause then when I was at a bar with my best friend who is thin and Native (fetishized and conventionally attractive) I went back to being the fat Black ugly friend. Where men and some women act like I don’t even exist or should be repelled by. (This could also partly be my insecurities projecting)

Idk. Also since King fucking cuddled with me, I feel like my ex craving touch desperately. I do want to be held and squeezed and share intimacy. Just not all day in bed or with my ex.

It’s just hard for me to not feel bad about that. Like the evil in my mind is telling me terrible things. Since I no longer am physically attracted to my ex. And my friends’ internal fat phobia got them telling me I “can do better” in terms of looks… I’m worried about being ugly and wonder, will people I find attractive, find me worthy of being a primary partner?

Cause my disorganized attachment style and insecurities make me absolutely love and despise being a side piece.

Like my mind is telling me, only “ugly” people like you enough to date you and be respectful and patient and loyal.

But then my brain is like, your ex isn’t ugly. That’s white supremacy bitch. And and and they were not respect or patient with you.

You know what it really is, my boyfriend prefers white people. Skinny white people. And that fact has caused me a lot of pain and internal shame over the years.

I just feel bad desperately craving a divine masculine energy to primarily date. Like um, I want to feel cute, and pretty, and sexy… like I can trust and believe my partner sees me that way AND that’s not it. It’s not based on what I can do for them, their growth, their sexuality. More like, we build each other up, are romantically and social compatible and i public people respect their authority. Yes I want a partner with make privilege 😭 they don’t gotta be a man but I want to feel protected out in public. Like I don’t want to have to play role of warrior 24/7 or often with them.

I want them to be dominate in most but not all social settings. Able to control and entertain my brat, and then are verse in the bedroom. And I wanna be number one, top priority but we both busy so with art, work, and community engagement that those our actual number one?

And like, my whole relationship I was experiencing Dom drop. And was told I was a duck oh because my ex was experiencing my aftercare not being enough. They are older than me but are still naive and a novice when it comes to relationships. Which is partly due to them growing up in a white community with hella trauma. Part of which was inflicted because their vessel is Black and fat. They also a caretaker so I know in similar ways I now want someone to take care of me, they want and need that.

I’m just a scorpio, I hold grudges. I don’t think I’ll ever not be mad and paranoid about that third eye shit, that sins shit, or that spiritual boundary crossing. Their magical, an Oracle, and are amazing with tarot cards. AND BAD WITH BOUNDARIES. PROTECTION SPELL AROUND ME, BE WELL.

I don’t trust them. Because of what they did. Because of my own past trauma. Because of my guilt and shame.

My boyfriend also validates me eating disorder without co-opting my trauma like my ex did. He relates because, same lol. But he wasn’t giving, I get a pass for triggering you because I struggle too. When my ex flooded my inbox with 20 minutes of voice messages about how they hate their body and implying that explanation remedies their harm. Or at least I should give them grace. I didn’t have capacity to do that. And because of my trauma with my boyfriend and my ex’s sexual tension with they white woman best friend I just heard, I’m too ugly to bag a skinny white girl so I’m with you.

Which others validated. But also was that me projecting?

Anyways I was loved on yesterday and I’m grateful.

#diary

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youare-mysonshine · 3 years

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heavy || bucky barnes

Summary: reader’s mental health has been taking a decline and bucky is there.

Requested: No

Pairing: TFATWS Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: talks of mental health, depression, anxiety, angst, cussing.

Word Count: 3.2K

A/N: Hey guys, I’m back I guess lmao. I’ve really been struggling with my mental health lately and I guess I kinda just wanted to put it into words, something productive? And I’ve been feeling our angsty emo boy bucky barnes. Most of you might’ve followed me for my Oscar fics but I kinda wanna branch out and I thought this would be a good time to do so. Anyways, I know that some of you have inboxed me or messaged me and I haven’t responded and I’m sorry. But I just want you all to know that if you’re struggling, I’m always here to talk. About anything, always. So, I hope you enjoy this. I might’ve cried while writing this lmao and I also might’ve ended it on such an awkward place but, i’m still getting used to writing again. (Flashbacks are in italics)

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Bucky didn’t miss the dark circles under your eyes. He didn’t miss the way you sort of slouched as you approached him. He didn’t miss the way that your smile didn’t really meet your eyes.

“Hey,” You said in a breathless voice. “Sorry, I’m late. I got held up.” You said as you took a seat across from him in the booth. Held up. It was better than telling him that you were thinking of just not showing up at all. In the end, you knew that you couldn’t do that. You couldn’t just blow off your new friend who you had so enjoyed spending time with. So, in a rush, you got dressed and made your way to the small, quiet diner that you two had taken to frequenting together. Bucky Barnes was an enigma if you’d ever met one. The way that you had met was rather.. cliche and something straight from a story.

You had been trying to lay off of the caffeine for a while, realizing that you had nearly gone through an entire packet of 32 k-pods that you had just purchased. You realized that you might’ve had a problem. You had been going pretty strong with staying away from caffeine for the time being, until you passed by a coffee shop and got a whiff of coffee. You just couldn’t help yourself; you bought a cup of coffee. It was when you were walking down the street, holding the cup of coffee in one hand, looking down, that you didn’t see someone walking right in your path. You had collided into what seemed like a solid wall and the impact had caused you to squeeze the cup of coffee in surprise, the warm liquid burning your hand, staining your clothes and the other person. You had realized it was another person you had crashed into when you heard them let out a low cuss.

Bucky’s grumpy self had been fully prepared to tell you off for crashing into him, having just left his therapist’s office, but when you looked up at him with those bright eyes of yours, a million apologies spilling from your lips a mile a minute, he swallowed whatever harsh words had nearly sprung forth. He had apologized as well; both of you had been at fault. Bucky had been going over his session with Dr. Raynor that morning, completely lost in his own mind, and you had your eyes trained on the ground, something that was a bad habit of yours. The shock of realizing you had bumped into a man, a really really handsome man with the brightest blue eyes you had ever seen, had made you temporarily forget that you had practically scorched your hand with the coffee, and that you had gotten it on him as well.

“I’m so, so sorry.” You said once again, quickly averting your eyes from the handsome stranger’s face. Instead you focused on the smushed cup in your hand and the stains on his leather jacket. It just made you feel even terrible. “I, I can pay for you to get your jacket cleaned, if you want. Really. I wasn’t paying attention and I just, for whatever reason, squished my cup and.. I’m sorry.” You said, kind of breathlessly.

“It’s.. it’s alright.” His voice was like the coffee that you had been drinking. Smooth and rich. It was deep, something that reverberated deep in your chest and had your stomach fluttering with butterflies. “I wasn’t paying attention either. Really, it’s fine. And don’t worry about my jacket. No harm, no foul.” He said. “You should, uh, you should take care of that hand. Hope you didn’t burn yourself too bad.” He gestured to your hand, still clutching the cup, with one of his own gloved hands.

“Oh, I’ll be fine. It wasn’t that hot. Thank you, though. And again, I’m really, really sorry.” Sparing one, seemingly, last glance at the handsome stranger, you side stepped him and began to walk away, tossing the empty cup of coffee in a trash can on the sidewalk. But you didn’t get very far because that deep voice called out to you, halting you in your tracks.

“Can I buy you another cup of coffee?” Bucky’s mouth had opened and spoken the words long before his brain could even catch up. He didn’t know why he had asked you that, but something in his gut was just telling him too.

“What?” A look of total bewilderment had crossed your face and he had seen it.

“I just, well I thought that, since I bumped into you, I could make it up to you by buying you a new cup of coffee. If you wanted, I mean. You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything.” Bucky clarified, hand stuffed in his pocket, waiting for your answer. For a few seconds, you simply stood there, unsure of what to say because surely this wasn’t happening? The last time that you had gone out with a guy was.. well, shit, you didn’t even remember the last time. The little voice in the back of your head, that anxious, paranoid little voice, was telling you not to go off with a stranger. You’d watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds and other true crime shows and documentaries to know that situations like this never turned out well. However, you didn’t get a bad feeling from this particular man. He seemed just as awkward and slightly frazzled as you felt. So you agreed.

“I’m Bucky, by the way.”

“Y/N.”

That had happened about two months ago. Ever since then, you and Bucky had formed a strong friendship. Your first time getting coffee with him had been awkward, as were the next few times that you had seen one another. But things got easier. Becoming friends was easy. You kind of fell into this routine, almost as if you two had known each other your whole lives. That was why Bucky telling you who he really was had been terrifying for him. He carried around guilt and shame and just contempt for everything he’d done. Everything The Winter Soldier represented, and when he told you, he figured that you would think the same. He had asked you meet him at the diner that had now become your spot and and you remember how he nervously wrung his gloved hands together. You remember when you asked him what was wrong and he didn’t verbally respond but he took off his gloves; the right one first and then the left, revealing a shiny black metal hand, golden lines intricately placed.

He told you then. Maybe he didn’t tell you everything but he told you who he was and he had braced himself for you to get up and storm out. Or, to yell at him and tell him how much of a monster he was. But, it never came. Instead, you reached out and placed your hand on top his. Not his real hand, but the metal one. You didn’t say anything. You just gave him that smile that was quickly becoming his favorite. Sometimes, silence spoke a thousand words. To Bucky, you had become kind of a respite for him. Even in the late nights or mornings when he woke up after a nightmare. Or after a particularly hard session with Dr. Raynor. He had closed himself off from other people except you.

Bucky might not have known it, but he gave you the same level of comfort as you gave him. You found yourself craving his presence. Every time you were around him, you couldn’t help but to smile or laugh. In the time that you spent together, your mind was clear and free from all your worries. It all evaporated into thin air. Your mind, usually so active with all sorts of thoughts and worries, could finally rest when you were with Bucky. You could sleep. You could get up in the morning without that stress and anxiety drowning you. It was okay. It was great.

Until it wasn’t.

“No problem, doll.” He said, gloved hands clasped under the table on his lap. “I already ordered. Got your usual. Hope that was alright.” He added, to which you nodded absentmindedly.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. Thanks Buck.” You said, mustering up a half hearted smile that didn’t reach your eyes. It was like even smiling drained the energy from you. You were exhausted. Not even just physically but mentally and emotionally. You had been having such good days for a while now, since meeting Bucky. You felt like maybe you would finally be alright but.. this feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that nothing was quite right, it was heavy. It weighed you down. It suffocated you. You wanted to be alone, but you also couldn’t stand to be alone because when you were alone, you were just stuck in your head and being in your head was the absolute worst place to be.

The intrusive thoughts had started. They told you that you would do nothing but weigh Bucky down. That he didn’t need someone like you in his life, someone with clear problems of their own, when he was going to therapy trying to better himself. Even if it had been mandatory for him to go. You wanted to push him away, save him from yourself, but you also couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.

Bucky noticed the shift in you. Normally when you two met up, whether it was at the diner or anywhere else, you would usually talk his ear off. Not that he minded, he was content to just sit back and listen to you. Sometimes, you’d tell him about a new book that you had started reading. You had just started reading the fifth Harry Potter book and you were trying to get him to read them. You’d tell him about your day. You’d ask him how his day went, how it went with Dr. Raynor, though you never pushed for more information. You always let him share if he was comfortable with it and he appreciated that. Sometimes you teased him for being such an old man.

The food came soon after you had arrived and sure enough, Bucky had ordered your usual. It sent a pang through your heart when you realized that he had memorized your order, down to the extra syrup and whipped cream on the pancakes. Bucky always liked to make fun of you for ordering the same thing when you came to the diner. No matter what time it was, you always ordered the pancakes with extra syrup and extra whip cream, with the strawberries on the side. Secretly, though he found it adorable.

Today, you had barely even taken more than a few bites and that was what really let Bucky know that something wasn’t right. You kept your head down, eyes on the pancakes and you cut them up, bringing a few up to your mouth and chewing slowly, but you mostly just moved them around your plate with the fork in your hand. Bucky himself had barely taken only a few bites of the food he’d ordered for himself, but it wasn’t for lack of appetite, it was because of the growing concern. His bright blue eyes were now a stormy grey, kind of like the clouds that you see during a heavy storm. His brows were furrowed, giving him an appearance almost as if he were angry.

“You alright, Y/N? You’ve barely eaten your food and normally you finish before I do.” He attempted to joke, to bring about that smile that seemed to always fill him with warmth. He half expected you to look up at him with that cheeky little smile, a mischievous look in your eyes and say “You know, I would be offended by that, but I know why you eat so slow, Buck. I completely understand. You don’t want your dentures to fall out.” But it never came.

You don’t know what it was. Bucky asking you if you were alright or if it was simply all the pressure of just.. everything, finally breaking, but you could feel the hot tears in your eyes. They blurred your vision until you couldn’t really see the plate of the pancakes in focus. The dam had finally come apart and you couldn’t hold it in anymore. You set the fork down and buried your face in your hands, your shoulders lightly shaking as you began to cry. All Bucky could do was stare for a few seconds, alarm written all over his face. Alarm and distress because he had no idea what just happened and if he had done something to upset you.

“Woah woah, hey. Sweetheart, hey. What’s wrong?” In seconds, Bucky was out of his side of the booth and scooting in beside you. You felt the comfort of his warmth, you felt his arm tentatively, almost hesitantly, slide around your shoulders and anchor you to him. You shook your head, attempting to calm down, to stop the tears but the more you tried, the more they seemed to come.

“I-I’m sorry, Bucky.. I.. I’m sorry.. I-I’m fine. Really.” You said, sniffling. It was apparent to you both that you were not alright and he really just wanted to get to the bottom of it. Or at least attempt to comfort you. But doing that in the middle of a diner with other people around wasn’t ideal.

“Hey, my apartment is only a short walk away. Come on, let’s get you out of here and somewhere more quiet.” You didn’t protest. You just nodded and slid out of the booth after he did. Bucky took out his wallet and placed a few bills on the table, paying for the uneaten food, and then quickly led you out of the establishment. He kept his hand on you, almost like an anchor. Whether it was to reassure you or himself, he didn’t know and you didn’t mind either. It was probably the only thing that kept you from retreating inside of your mind and giving in to the panic that so desperately wanted out.

You didn’t even realize that you had reached his apartment until he had led you up the stairs and you were standing behind him as he unlocked the door. He allowed you to step in first and then quickly followed behind you, shutting the door as he did so. You didn’t really get the chance to take in his apartment because he had ushered you to sit on his couch while he knelt in front of you.

“Alright, you’re scarin’ me here, doll. What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?” The sheer look of concern and slight panic in his face and those pretty eyes of his made the waterworks come back again. You shook your head, your face scrunched up in anguish. Hot bullet tears fell from your eyes and left a wet path in their wake down your cheeks. Bucky wasn’t one to pry; he hated it when people tried to pry into his life and he didn’t do it to you, but he couldn’t stand the sight of seeing you cry. He couldn’t stand the sight of your once bright eyes and cheery smile just.. gone. You eyes were sad and your lips were pulled into a frown. “Talk to me, baby.” He practically pleaded.

“I just.. I don’t.. I don’t know how to explain it, Buck.” You cried. “I-I.. I just feel like..” You let out a frustrated cry when you couldn’t find the right words but Bucky was patient. He reached a hand up, cupping your cheek and wiping away the tears that kept falling. “I don’t feel.. happy. Everyday I wake up and I just, I feel fine for like a few seconds and then everything just comes crashing down on me. I can’t ever stop thinking. I can’t sleep at night. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this, Bucky. And I feel fucking crazy. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even really like me. I feel.. hopeless, like nothing is ever going to be okay. I might feel okay for a few seconds but then it just goes away.” You explained, though you were sure that you probably sounded like a raving and ranting lunatic. “Before I met you, I liked being alone but I also hated it because when I was alone, I would just overthink and overthink and overthink about every fucking thing. If it wasn’t one thing it was another just giving me such bad anxiety and.. I don’t know what to do anymore, Bucky. I’m just tired of feeling like this. Feeling like nothing is ever going to be okay, like I’m never going to be okay. I just feel.. alone.”

His heart was well and truly broken. In the two months that he’d known you, he hadn’t known how badly you had struggled with your mental health. He hadn’t known the war that you fought within your mind, and how bad it had become. You were such saving grace for Bucky; you saved him from the wars inside of his mind. The constant feeling of guilt that he fought with on a daily basis, and now.. he just wanted to do the same for you. He wanted to shoulder some of the pain that you carried, the pain that seemed to be weighing you down. Both of his hands now cupped your cheeks so delicately, as if you were the most precious thing in the world to him. His blue eyes were shining, looking at you with not pity, but something like.. understanding. If anyone knew what you were feeling, it was Bucky.

“You’re not alone.” His smooth and rich voice was so soft, so gentle that it brought on a new set of tears. “You’re not alone, sweetheart. Not anymore. You know why? Cause you got me.” He said. “I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. To feel stuck in your head. To feel like nothing is ever gonna get better. I felt like that in Wakanda. Sometimes.. sometimes, we need help. And I know I’m not one to be talking considering that I don’t really like talking to my therapist or even going,” That roused the smallest of smiles from you. “I’m here. You know that, right? I’m here. You got me and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I don’t care if you have a million bad days. I don’t care if you feel like you’re bothering me. I’ll be there every time.” You two have gradually gravitated close to one another until your foreheads were pressed together. Bucky was still knelt in front of you on the couch, his hands still holding your cheeks. Your eyes were closed and you could feel his warm breath fanning your face. The tears had stopped falling but you were still sniffling softly. “You’ve helped me. Even if you don’t know it. You’ve helped me.” He was whispering. There was no one but you two in his apartment but he was still whispering the words meant for only you to hear. “Now, let me help you. Please.”

“Okay. I trust you, Bucky.”

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky fic #james buchanan barnes #sebastian stan #tfatws #mcu #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff

395 notes · View notes

reluctanx · 3 years

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𝘽𝙉𝙃𝘼 𝙃𝙀𝘼𝘿𝘾𝘼𝙉𝙊𝙉 >> CLASS 1-B. || Fem!s/o

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙍𝘼𝘾𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙄𝙉𝘾𝙇𝙐𝘿𝙀𝘿: neito monoma, itsuka kendo, sen kaibara, ibara shiozaki, tetsutetsu tetsutetsu, reiko yanagi, setsuna tokage

𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂 (𝙎) : n/a [?]

-Neito Monoma

!! 🧺 | he’s actually very sweet, just a bit playful with you

!! 🧺 | he cracks joke just to make you laugh because your smile means EVERYTHING to him

!! 🧺 | i’m pretty sure he’s a nerd at color theory and would ALWAYS point out how beautiful your eyes are. even if it has a darker shade, he just knows that it’s a beautiful color that he loves so much

!! 🧺 | he doesn’t let other people touch his bunnies besides kendo, you may also be the exception

!! 🧺 | overly dramatic because he knows you can’t possibly, truly handle his bullshit

!! 🧺 | his teenager crush on you is so adorable, because he’s always in denial. or refuses to admit he have a crush on you

!! 🧺 | seeing that you’re not comparing him to a villain because of his quirk, wether it’s a joke or not. you automatically gain a part of his trust and respect. deadass

!! 🧺 | he bullies people for a reason, and you better deal with that

!! 🧺 | very argumentative, trying to fight with him with controversial topics is useless

!! 🧺 | LET. HIM. TOUCH. YO. HAIR………. pls

!! 🧺 | even if he tries, he can’t keep up late at night. HE WILL fall asleep, so sometimes you’ll be left on read accidentally-

!! 🧺 | when texting… he’s a total different person omg

!! 🧺 | no because if your seat is next to his, he will pass you the answers for the math exam.. (don’t lie, i know you’re a total dogshit at this subject. )

!! 🧺 | he’s a real big fan of Vlad king so you better be prepared seeing some of his merch in his closet

!! 🧺 | seeing you in his clothes makes him feel weird. he’ll try to make fun of you but he’s just really flustered to look at cha’ i swear

!! 🧺 | it’s rare to see him swear, so when he do so.. dear god..

!! 🧺 | HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR BODY SHAPE, SIZE OR WHATEVER, HE LOVES YOU THE WAY YOU ARE AND HE WILL REMIND YOU THAT

!! 🧺 | “you love me o’ sooo much it makes you look stupid.”

!! 🧺 | “don’t tell kendo about this, but i like you. for real.”

!! 🧺 | pronouns first with this man, pronouns = priority, pronouns respected. period.

!! 🧺 | he would be such a simp for you..

!! 🧺 | not obsessive or possesive, per se just jealous in a healthy way

!! 🧺 | “i’m literally a low quality version of bakugo.”

!! 🧺 | THEATRICAL, AS FUCK.

-Itsuka Kendo

!! 🧸 | SHE’S LITERALLY A SWEET HEART *SOBS SOBS*

!! 🧸 | she acts like your big sister sometimes.

!! 🧸 | she’s so shy and intimidated when she gets to date you bro..

!! 🧸 | your hero name? your hero costume? gives no shit, she find everything about you AMAZING.

!! 🧸 | you’re the little spoon, don’t prove me wrong, you’re the little spoon

!! 🧸 | she finds you so cute (especially if you have chubby cheeks, cause like uuuUhhh…)

!! 🧸 | she dresses you up when ya’ll get a girl days

!! 🧸 | she doesn’t know how to cook, depending on your cooking skills; either you get to cook or ya’ll order sum shit idk

!! 🧸 | she have a whole romantic cottagecore playlist dedicated for you whenever she thinks about you i swear.

!! 🧸 | you participates in her activity of : “knocking-down-neito-whenever-hes-been-an-ass”

!! 🧸 | can’t even afford to scold you the first time ya’ll meet, you’re so beautiful *sob sob*

!! 🧸 | if you’re in a social group space, you’re her favourite person, ya’ll are the duo of the friend group

!! 🧸 | “can’t sleep? that’s okay me too.”

!! 🧸 | picky, very picky eater. ya’ll may have trouble ordering something.

!! 🧸 | you’re the ticklish person, she’s the tickler. if you’re not, she’ll helplessly try to tickle you..-

!! 🧸 | “SPIDER, SPIDER!!”

!! 🧸 | your luck booster, i stg

!! 🧸 | she likes seeing you with fake cat ears, you look so adorable in her perspective

!! 🧸 | “LET’S WATCH A DISNEY MOVIE!!”

!! 🧸 | fast typer when texting.

!! 🧸 | you’re her angel, you are.

!! 🧸 | wants to be a make-up artist somedays.. so you better be ready and prepare to be a mannequin.

!! 🧸 | “you’re so weird *faces you* you’re so weird.”

!! 🧸 | 256 HOURS LONG OF TALK AND CHATS WHEN SHE ENCOUNTERS A LONG TIME FRIEND AT THE MALL

!! 🧸 | she wants to be a princess, your princess

!! 🧸 | SAY THAT YOU LOVE HER HAIR AND SHE WILL FLUSH

!! 🧸 | “why are you so pretty 🥺’

!! 🧸 | cottagecore lesbians :)

!! 🧸 | holding your hands + kisses + pecks on the lips, physical affection <<<<<<<<

!! 🧸 | gives you her stuffies, trust me she have LOADS of stuffies

!! 🧸 | BLUSHES SO HARD WHEN YOU WEAR HER CLOTHES

Sen Kaibara

!! 📢 | you don’t understand, the amount of love he holds for you is HUGE!

!! 📢 | fairly confident when he’s fighting by your side, you give him confidence..

!! 📢 | bad habits to compare your beauty with his

!! 📢 | trying to make him blush? oh honey, you don’t have to try once you have a relationship with him..

!! 📢 | his smile <<<<<<<<<<<<<

!! 📢 | usually quiet but tends to be talkative ONLY to you

!! 📢 | his heart beats faster and faster when you get close to him, but his face says 😐

!! 📢 | “kiss me already, dummy”

!! 📢 | really likes anime actually, ya’ll watch animes or read mangas sometimes :)

!! 📢 | *strokes strokes, scrubs scrubs your hair gently*

!! 📢 | thinks you look so cute in his clothes but doesn’t mention it

!! 📢 | secretly tries to get one of the things you crave for (an item, celebrity’s autograph idk sum shit)

!! 📢 | mockery against you? not on his watch.

!! 📢 | his love language is physical touch *sobs sobs*

!! 📢 | rubs your hand gently to calm you down when you feel anxious

!! 📢 | old times french love songs of edith piaf is his jam..

!! 📢 | hopeless romantic :c

!! 📢 | insecure? not on his watch,

!! 📢 | gives you his juice box to you and only to you

!! 📢 | you’re his first kiss

!! 📢 | BEST HUG GIVER

!! 📢 | the type to put your hair behind your ears

!! 📢 | “you’re my everything..”

!! 📢 | KISSES YOUR CHEEKS INTENSIVELY

!! 📢 | loves to feel euphoric, you make him euphoric

!! 📢 | you get the blower during summer lmao

!! 📢 | buys you loads of icecreams during summer

!! 📢 | go to the heater side during winter, right now, right here.

!! 📢 | everything you ask somethinh, he’ll answer instantly

!! 📢 | want something? dont worry, sen gotchu’

!! 📢 | SIMP

!! 📢 | wants to be someone truly meaningful to you

!! 📢 | you make him feel special for doing literally nothing

!! 📢 | he loves you, so so much.

Ibara Shiozaki

!! 🌱| literally the momo yaoyorazu of class 1-b but more theatrical

!! 🌱| you kinda just already knew that she have a preference for girls

!! 🌱| “mo- mother nature? what kind of silly things are you spouting out of that mouth of yours…”

!! 🌱| you are literally babied by her

!! 🌱| good baker and easily make your favorite dish/dessert

!! 🌱| you’re her top priority, and she carefully pays attention to you. deadass, she’s the type to wipe your mouth with her favorite tissue while she’s talking about a serious matter with her teamates bro

!! 🌱| she’s such a nerd in the rom-com industry, and gets pretty shy when you proceed to do something that is similar to a scene about one of her few rom-com movies. (ex: kadebon)

!! 🌱| she laughs so easily..

!! 🌱| “you’re so precious.”

!! 🌱| she showed all the symptoms of “crushing” back then, and you already knew that.

!! 🌱| everytime you hype her up, she smiles widely

!! 🌱| she’s so gift giving, she can’t leave you without giving you a gift first

!! 🌱| all the gifts you gave her stays safe and sound in her room

!! 🌱| “i might never be your hero, but i’ll be the winner of your heart.”

!! 🌱| she wants you to wear her clothes so ya’ll can match :)

!! 🌱| she’s quite wealthy, so she buys you some expensive gifts that reminds her of you

!! 🌱| always wrap her arms around you everywhere

!! 🌱| teases you but a lot

!! 🌱| she likes to do gardening stuff with you

!! 🌱| full knowledge on plants, every flowers she offers you was because of a characteristic that reminds her of you

!! 🌱| her efforts to be committed in your relationship is so visible

!! 🌱| always slips a little ‘I love you” everydays

!! 🌱| your love, affection and attention is enough to repay her for her consistent efforts.

!! 🌱| gets easily jealous but tries to hide it, but you obviously can tell due to her uncontrollable blush

!! 🌱| as she is so gift giving, you’ll try to argue with her saying she doesn’t need to give her this much gifts

!! 🌱| she gets overwhelmed when you make out of an exam/mission

!! 🌱| loves to give you a head massage while reading a book

!! 🌱| come and stargaze with her >:|

!! 🌱| kisses the back of your hand

!! 🌱| show you off when she have the chance to

!! 🌱| compared to what you may have assumed, she puts a lot of trust in her words when showin’ you off.

!! 🌱| “everyday and everynight, you make me happy just by thinking of your silly little face.”

!! 🌱| HELPS YOU WITH HOMEWORK

!! 🌱| SLEEPOVERS!!

!! 🌱| she felt insecure about her hair, so the fact that you had he audacity to pet her head made her fall inlove with you.

!! 🌱| gets genuinely confused when you laugh at her dramatic behavior

!! 🌱| her humor is kinda bad, so she may laugh at the stupidest thing ever

Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu

!! 🦈| oh boy, everything would be so wild with him

!! 🦈| you cannot leave the room without giving him a hug first

!! 🦈| awkward, like really

!! 🦈| “you’re the most coolest— beautifulest—…uuh.. person!”

!! 🦈| doesn’t academically succeed a lot, but puts a lot of efforts in his works. every praises you give him makes him smile

!! 🦈| makes you laugh without him knowing

!! 🦈| please, he probably starts to laugh when you start talking too fast because he doesn’t understand-

!! 🦈| in summer, he turns his arms into steel so you can grip against it (since steel is usually cold)

!! 🦈| probably have adhd

!! 🦈| loves to caress your cheeks

!! 🦈| sometimes kisses your little fingers for fun

!! 🦈| buddies to lover trope :D

!! 🦈| uses kaomoji than emojis

!! 🦈| his favorite song is teenage dirtbag

!! 🦈| he requires a good listener as his s/o, because he is a very talkative person and bring numerous topics and persons at the same time when talking to him

!! 🦈| “you’re extra-beautiful..”

!! 🦈| offers a fish related plushie

!! 🦈| shows off his abs for you

!! 🦈| two dumb hoes doing shit trope

!! 🦈| “you kinda remind me of an otter..?

!! 🦈| “wanna be a teenage dirtbag with me?”

!! 🦈| he calls you the popular girl of the school for a reason.. 😭

!! 🦈| calls you tetsutetsu junior when you wear his clothes

!! 🦈| openly admit that ya’ll are in a relationship to everyone

!! 🦈| is actually ticklish himself-

!! 🦈| loves to kiss your forehead

!! 🦈| loves to point out how cute you are

!! 🦈| definitely introduces you to fatgum and kirishima

!! 🦈| he can’t really came up with a petname.. so he’ll give you stupid ones

!! 🦈| as you can tell, he’s clearly not experienced but he tries, for you :)

!! 🦈| okay but power couple

!! 🦈| “if you steal the blankets, i am about to put my cold feets on you.”

!! 🦈| gets out of hands when he’s too excited

!! 🦈| gives you back hugs when you’re not feeling well

!! 🦈| best caregiver 🥺

!! 🦈| adores you

!! 🦈| play games with you :)

!! 🦈| sends you stupid note under the door whenever you’re taking a shit-

Reiko Yanagi

!! 👻|| you managed to get on her soft side when you told her that she wasn’t weird in any ways

!! 👻|| very quiet and patient with you

!! 👻|| really doesn’t wish to disturb or scare you, but she can’t let go of you — you were so nice

!! 👻|| when you tease her.. she’s a blushing mess

!! 👻|| you’re the only person she hangs most of her time with

!! 👻||she thinks that you’re so, so cool.

!! 👻|| doesn’t know how to react to all of your compliments, just knows how to cuddle

!! 👻|| she makes you listen to her favorite genre of music

!! 👻|| she tries her best to make your relationship with her dynamic as possible!

!! 👻|| with that say, praising is one of her top quality

!! 👻|| as much as she doesn’t know how to handle your praise, she can slap you back with her

!! 👻||”hey.. how abour we kiss? uh- um.. if- if you want to.”

!! 👻|| is actually a good kisser-

!! 👻|| her only way to calm you down was to kiss you when you get overwhelmed

!! 👻|| reiko is a really good listener and would literally listen to your 5 hours long story as she stare at you the whole time

!! 👻|| when you mention that her bags were really cool… good job bro, now she loves you

!! 👻|| SHE’S SO CLINGY, LIKE REALLY CLINGY

!! 👻|| unexpectedly good in video games

!! 👻|| “w-whoa.. i didn’t expected you to wear my clothes..you look adorable..”

!! 👻|| gets truly passionate when talking about paranormal facts

!! 👻|| she loves to play with the strands of your hair

!! 👻|| quality time <<<<<<<<

!! 👻|| would always remind you how beautiful you are

!! 👻|| once you have her sweater wrapped around your body, it’s officially yours now because she says so

!! 👻|| soft spokesperson with you bro..

!! 👻|| seems more confident when texting

!! 👻|| she loves taking pictures of you

!! 👻|| she probably wanted to make you visit the beach during the sunset

!! 👻|| she’s so proud of you..

!! 👻|| “oh, you deserve all of the praises of the world.”

!! 👻|| can’t even look at you in the eyes,, you’re so CUTE!!

!! 👻|| never leave you alone, never will or would

!! 👻|| always grips on your shirt so that you don’t get to be lost in a mission

!! 👻|| regularly checks up on you

!! 👻|| gives you LOADS of snacks during lunch

Setsuna Tokage

!! 🐊| COMMITTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP

!! 🐊| literally takes you out everywhere on ya’ll date

!! 🐊| don’t be shy, skateboard with her

!! 🐊| literally asks to be partnered up with you during the sport festivals

!! 🐊| will do everything for you

!! 🐊| have a reptile pet, you’re the only person knowing about that

!! 🐊| CHERISH YOU UNTIL SHE DIES

!! 🐊| “my sweet sweet pumpkin pie!”

!! 🐊| “let me kiss you until you can’t handle me anymore, darling.”

!! 🐊| she loves snuggling to your neck and leave soft kisses

!! 🐊| eyes contact is important

!! 🐊| you’re her favourite person

!! 🐊| ya’ll be ruining your sleep schedule for each other

!! 🐊| you guys always wear something that matches with the other (a hat, item, shirt.. etc.)

!! 🐊| setsuna announces her relationship with you to the class as if she proposed to you in a mariage

aight ya’ll, bye!

123 notes · View notes

artemis-verse · 4 years

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confessions [kageyama | kenma | oikawa]

ˑ༄ؘ ۪۫۫ ▹ confessions aka how they confess to you! headcanon ↳ masterlist note: gender neutral! reader. warnings: mild swearing. arthie’s note: a hc for hq setters this time!! gonna do a part 2 with other setters as well so please look forward to that ~ anyways i hope it’s good cause my brain is lacking creative juices lately heh ^^ nevertheless, i hope all of you enjoy reading this!! as always, the hc is under the “read more” cut since it’s long ＼(＾▽＾)／

──────────── · · · · ✦

KAGEYAMA TOBIO

to be honest, if you think he’s gonna confess to you first; you’re wrong

this baby probs doesn’t even realize that he has a crush on you despite the strange sensation he gets in the pit of his stomach

will never notice it ever unless someone pointed out for him

he does however get frustrated because for some reason, he can’t seem to get you out of his mind and it’s driving him nuts

whenever you’d come around to the gym, he would openly stare at you and is just so fixated by everything you do

cue suga to quietly snuck up behind him and ask, “why do you keep staring at y/n, kageyama?”

he’s like “huh? oh did i?”

after an unnecessary confrontation from suga, nishinoya and tanaka, he finally realized why he felt that way to you

thus he spent the whole night planning out a way to confess to you

believe it or not, kags is a whole blabbering mess when it comes to things like love/dating

he kinda finds it troublesome with having to confess but for the love of god, he could not stop thinking about you

so the next day, he approached you while you were alone, “y/n....”

you raised a brow, waiting for he has to say

“i like you!” he blurted out, startling you at his sudden declaration

once you processed what he said, you smiled widely, “i like you too.”

cues flustered kageyama, freaking out internally when he realizes that his crush also likes him back while you stood there watching him turn red every second

──────────── · · · · ✦

KOZUME KENMA

same as kags, he would never even bother to confess to you in the first place

that is until kuroo keeps teasing him over and over, calling your name whenever you walk, making you glance at kenma

when one day, you and your friend stayed behind for school activities, she suddenly brought up the topic, “y/n.. who do you think is the most attractive?”

kenma was walking by to fetch his textbooks that he left behind when he heard you and your friend talking

that subject piqued his interest thus he hid in order to listen to yall’s conversation

now, kenma doesn’t like meddling in other people’s business but when it comes to you and who you find attractive, he is curious

you hummed, “one of the guys on the volleyball team is cute..” you trailed off, hoping your friend didn’t make you say his name aloud

alas, you knew she was gonna ask anyways, “who is it?”

“is it kuroo?! the captain?” she exclaimed with a smug face

kenma was about to walk away as he sulks in his own pity

but you quickly replied, “no!”

sighing, “it’s kenma.. the setter.”

your friend teased at your blushing expression, “so you like pudding head huh? well he seems kinda hard to talk to but go for it if you want ~”

at that point, kenma had already made up his mind to confess to you

the next day, he met you in your classroom whereas your peers started leaving one by one

you ignored the loud thumping of your heartbeat, “how can i help you, kozume-san?”

“i like you, y’n.” he directly tells you, noticing the way your cheeks reddened

“i- uh.. i like you too.”

kenma smiled at you as he offers to walk you back home, feeling content

──────────── · · · · ✦

OIKAWA TOORU

now, oikawa is built different

thus he finds no problem in confessing to you

however he won’t admit that you make him really nervous

hence why he needed to plan out how he wants to confess to you first

you were never really interested in him, preferring to do your own thing

so when he saw you for the first time, instead of gawking at him like they usually do, you instead walk past by like he wasn’t even there

that made him took a liking onto you

would constantly talk about you to iwaizumi

“iwa-chan ~ why doesn’t y/n-chan look at me? am i not handsome enough for them?” he whines, making iwaizumi annoyed about his continuos rant about you

iwaizumi eventually snapped, “shut up shittykawa! why don’t you just ask them out like a normal person do?!”

he thought of ways to approach you during the night, observing how you always seem uninterested whenever he smiles at you

he’s determined to let you know about his feelings

although.. he kept delaying about confessing to you due to being busy with volleyball

until he saw you laughing happily with your classmate, making him feel a tad jealous

he went up to you and confidently asked out, “y/n! meet me in front of the gym after school okay?”

you were confused but before you could protest, he waved a goodbye and exited the room

leaving you with no choice but to meet up with him

once you got there, you saw him shuffling around nervously

you’ve never seen oikawa anxious so it was a sight to see him all fidgety

perks up when he gazes at you “ah! y/n, you came!”

“well what do you want, oikawa-san?”

he sheepishly rubbed the nape of his neck, “i like you y/n-chan and i couldn’t contain these feelings anymore! that’s why i told you to meet me here.”

you stared at him in disbelief, the guy that you’ve been crushing on is admitting to you that he likes you

you snapped out of your thoughts, “good thing for you that i like you too.”

oikawa grinned widely, it made your heart skipped a beat

“let’s go on a date then, y/n-chan ~” as he excitedly looks at you with so much adoration in his eyes

“okay.” you replied, smiling at him while he starts rambling about the date

285 notes · View notes

furiousgoldfish · 3 years

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I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

#cptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #tw self harm #story of recovery #trauma #abuse recovery #trauma symptoms #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #freeze response

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dinosaurtsukki · 3 years

Text

haikyuu!! team christmas parties

a/n: this is a suuuuper late christmas-themed post because it was kinda crazy here but i hope you guys enjoy these headcanons of how christmas parties are like with the teams

karasuno:

a very chaotic yet very festive christmas party

nishinoya and hinata especially are very excited for it you could tell by the way they hum christmas songs in the locker room

naturally sugawara suggests holding a christmas party in his house but the only one he sends invitations to is tsukishima because he's the likeliest one to back out

in fact, sugawara probably sends an invitation to tsukishima's house every single day and at this point both akiteru and his mom are anticipating 'kei's first christmas party with friends'

hinata was too excited that he was there at sugawara's house two hours early but they spent a lot of time decorating the entire place

yamaguchi was there just as early because he thought it would be polite and he even brought a box of chocolates for sugawara's family

all of them also decided to do a secret santa gift exchange to make things fun and so they wouldn't have to give everyone gifts

the only ones who gave everyone gifts though were asahi (HE MADE UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATERS FOR EVERYONE) and yachi who gave everyone some cookies that she baked

everyone mentally thanked kiyoko for getting yachi as assistant manager

ennoshita's secret santa was tanaka and because he knew that ennoshita has been wanting a starbuck's planner, he enlisted noya's help in getting one

did this mean they both chugged 12 starbucks drinks all by themselves in one day? yeah pretty much

when ennoshita got his gift everyone understood why tanaka and noya were extra hyper that day

kageyama also got tsukishima as his secret santa

tsukki actually tried to exchange with yamaguchi but daichi caught him and said that there were no exchanges

he was also planning to get kageyama a plastic tiara as a gift but daichi also caught him (is2g he's everywhere)

eventually tsukishima settled on giving kageyama a volleyball cause he couldn't go wrong with that

kageyama was actually really happy with the gift but kinda pissed that it came from tsukishima of all people so he was just kinda squinting at tsukishima wondering what to say

anyway they didn't fight that's a christmas miracle

yamaguchi got daichi's name for the secret santa and gifted him a coupon for a free spa visit

daichi has a new favorite child

jk yamaguchi has always been his favorite child

hinata actually got KIYOKO to give a gift too and he was anxious for an entire week worrying about what to give her

he ended up asking natsu for advice and then gifting kiyoko a cute little phone charm

she thought it was sweet and still keeps it to this day

seijoh:

oikawa already had a group chat for a christmas party when december started hanamaki and matsukawa spammed it with memes and santa emojis for the first two weeks

finally when they got around to planning, iwaizumi offered to hold the party at his house

surprisingly, the earliest one there was kyoutani because ofc he's helping his senpai set up

imagine the both of them trimming the christmas tree i'm jlgkjalg

kyoutani even brought his own christmas decorations (they're little dogs with santa hats on them)

kindaichi and kunimi were next to come in and they brought a little gingerbread house that they made themselves

y'all oikawa came in last because of 'traffic' but iwaizumi's like 'bullshit, you live next door'

he was late because he was watching the doctor who christmas special

matsukawa and hanamaki are of course in charge of all the party games that last throughout the night

they have a newspaper dance game and they intentionally paired up oikawa and kyoutani

they were the first ones to lose the game because kyoutani wouldn't come a foot near oikawa and that's about how wide their newspaper was

iwaizumi and kindaichi easily won but kindaichi was flustered that iwaizumi carried him bridal-style

you can bet they also brought karaoke and yahaba surprised everyone with his rendition of 'all i want for christmas is you'

also matsukawa and hanamaki did a really good duet of 'baby it's cold outside'

oikawa wanted to make a speech about his friends being his family and them being his best christmas gift ever but hanamaki stopped him

oikawa ended up giving one anyway when the party ended up going on until much later and everyone cried

everyone except kyoutani who was wondering why everyone was crying until he realized that iwaizumi was going abroad for uni

shiratorizawa:

these guys are so close that they just had to have a christmas party together

goshiki ofc volunteered his own house and was deadset on making it the best christmas ever for his senpais

except tendou may have told him that ushijima's favorite decorations were mistletoe so ofc goshiki hung mistletoe ever

the funny thing is ushijima DOES like mistletoe. he thinks its classy and simple but he doesn't know about the kissing thing

meanwhile shirabu and tendou are on the side wondering if they should tell either of them

semi lost some kind of bet (probs with shirabu and kawanishi) and now he has to dress up as santa claus for some reason

lmao angry santa semi i love it already

tendou made some handmade chocolate truffles and half of them are delicious but the other half have a piece of onion in the middle

but the delicious ones are like REALLY delicious so everyone plays this sort of russian roulette game with tendou's chocolate truffles

semi kept on getting the onion truffles until reon felt bad for him and gave him his chocolate truffle

it ended up becoming a christmas tradition

ushijima actually gave everyone a gift and it's matching knee pads

shirabu actually loves them except he doesn't want to wear them out so he never wears them

also he gets cold really easily so even though the christmas party is indoors, he's wearing a sweater and a coat and a quilt on top of that

he honestly looks so cozy that by the end of the night everyone is cuddled up next to shirabu

EXCEPT USHIJIMA ALSO INVITED COACH WASHIJO TO COME IN

ushijima: he's our coach and therefore a part of our team so of course i invited him

no one can argue with him there

coach washijo was surprisingly a nice guest but everyone was extra courteous around him

semi served him some hot tea and shirabu even gave his quilt

goshiki was hiding in his bathroom because he might get lectured on his serves

they didn't know what activities to do with coach washijo around so tendou suggested watching their volleyball games (yes, goshiki has them all on tape) and coach washijo was all like 'i watch you play all the time why would i want to do that now?'

eventually they settled on watching Polar Express and it was nice

nekoma:

their christmas party is also a costume party because kuroo said so all of them came in christmas-themed costumes

AND THEY WERE ALL GROUP COSTUMES

the third years roped in shibayama and they all dressed up as the characters from 'A Christmas Carol'

shibayama was christmas past, kai was christmas present, kuroo was christmas future, and yaku was scrooge

kuroo: it's perfect because you're short and mean

it's funny because they all end up capitalists

okay but tbh the second years plus lev also went all out for their costumes because they come in as HOME ALONE

i'm clearly biased when it comes to my favorite christmas movies

fukunaga and taketora are the two robbers, kenma's kevin, and lev comes in as the house

it's basically a cardboard cut-out of a house that he and alisa made

the first twenty minutes of their christmas party is basically just them arguing about which group had the better costume

eventually they decide to actually enjoy the party

they end up playing a lot of parlor games and even though kenma hates how loud everyone is, he's still determined to win all of them

i swear, he ended up pushing lev out of the way during musical chairs, also grabbing the chair before sitting on it

but then after that kenma decides to play games for the rest of the night except kuroo confiscated his game console (again)

you can bet yaku and fukunaga cooked the christmas dinner for everyone

kai takes a million pictures for the memories but he's really a perfectionist about it and go crazy whenever lev moves two millimeteres too far to the left

when the pictures are developed kuroo has them developed on matching t-shirts and forces everyone to wear them during practice matches

tsukishima: nice shirt

kuroo: why THANK you

kenma: thanks, i fucking hate it

inarizaki:

ngl they're not SUPER into christmas but they're just mildly curious about the celebration

it's mostly the miya twins who initiate it as a way for all of them to have a get-together during the winter break

kita thinks it's a good idea and invites them all to his house

he's actually quite curious about christmas as a religious celebration so he reads up on it a lot and even starts to up his own nativity scene as decoration

he ends up asking his teammates if they want to bring anything to add to the nativity scene

suna brings his gundam figurines and atsumu has an acrylic standee of momo from twice

and now those are joseph and mary

aran and kita take one look at the nativity scene and go 'this doesn't look right' but atsumu looks so happy to have momo there that they just leave it be

osamu is in charge of food ofc but he can't make up his mind on what to cook so he ends up cooking a little bit of everything

ofc atsumu has to be the one to help him but he ends up tasting and eating a good portion while osamu's cooking

*insert fighting in the kitchen*

suna's just walking around taking pictures of everything and uploading them to his snapchat (which has a lot of followers)

"our chaotic team christmas party part 1 of ???"

aran and kita just want some chill time and drink hot chocolate while watching christmas specials

kita also hung up stockings for everyone and suna was expecting it to have candy but its full of fruit and healthy snacks

they still taste good though

suna’s also the first one to fall asleep right smack on kita’s couch

atsumu’s just about to draw on his face with permanent marker but kita has a disappointed look so he stops instantly

in fact, ALL of them end up falling asleep in the middle of kita’s living room

they look so cute aran is in the middle with each of the miya twins on his side. suna is sprawled all over the couch with his face buried in the cushions. kita is sleeping right next to the coffee table with his arms crossed over his chest

kita’s grandmother walks in on them in the living room and knows FOR SURE that she doesn’t have four grandchildren but she’s making them breakfast anyway

***********************************************

taglist (still open to anyone who wants in!): @montys-chaos @miyumtwins @strawberriimilkshake @pocubo @sugawara-sweetheart @akaashisbabydoll @laure-chan @therainroguefanfiction @atetiffdoesart @stephdaninja @oikaw-ugh @charliefredb @dramaqueenweeb1469 @tremblinghearts @applepienation @doodleniella @haikyuu-my-love @waitforitillwritemywayout @kattykurr @tpwkatsumu

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mageofseven · 4 years

Text

The Undateables version! Here's the Brothers' post~

Also:

Not Obey Me related, but I recently found this picture and felt is was fitting lol

Diavolo:

His Queen had only been living with him for a few days at this point.

The couple had been dating for two years and the prince had finally decided to bring up the subject of MC moving in with him.

He had wanted to for a while now, but was a afraid to seem too pushy with his Sweetheart.

Plus, part of him worried that they wouldn't want to. After all, there's always something fun going on at House of Lamentation. In comparison, his castle is a quiet, cold place.

That only made the prince want his human to live with him even more though

So when the two discussed the idea and MC said yes, the man was overjoyed.

It's been three days since his Sweetheart moved in though and they seemed rather anxious.

This night, the prince had been working late and was finally ready to retreat to his room for the night, but upon seeing his bed empty and Queen missing, the man grew concerned.

Diavolo stopped his butler in the hall, who was also retreating for the night, to ask where MC was.

Barbatos had informed his lord that the human was in the kitchen, baking some sort of cookie-brownie hybrid treat.

Diavolo raised an eyebrow before thanking his friend and heading to the kitchen.

Just as the other demon said, MC was in the kitchen. The human sat on the floor in front of the stove, watching the treats bake.

"My Queen?"

The human jumped, but upon noticing it was their boyfriend, gave an anxious smile.

"Oh... hi Sweetie."

The prince sat on the floor next to the human, laying his hand on their leg.

"What's wrong? Why are you sitting on the floor at this time of night?"

The human didn't answer, just went back to staring at the stove and wrapping their arms around themselves.

The big demon pulled them into his arms, embracing his Sweetheart.

"MC, you know you can talk to me."

The human buried their face in his chest, breathing in their boyfriend's scent and letting themselves find peace from it.

"I just...please don't be upset..."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Why would I be upset?"

The human sighed and explained it to their boyfriend.

When Diavolo had asked them if they wanted to move in with him, the human became anxious. They weren't really good with change and didn't wanna leave the Brothers, who had become family to them

But they also felt pressured to. Not by Diavolo, but by unspoken expectations. Wasn't two years a long time to date without moving in together? They didn't have anything to compare it to, but they assumed so.

They worried that by saying no, they'd be halting the progression of their relationship and acknowledged that even if they loved living at House of Lamentation that surely they couldn't do so forever.

MC agreed because it felt like it was inevitable that it would happen at some point.

For the first two nights, MC could push through because they got to cuddle their boyfriend as they fell asleep, but since he worked late tonight, MC became so unbearably lonely

And all they could think about was how if they still lived at House of Lamentation that they could have gone to Levi's room to play games or head to the kitchen with Beel and chat as he ate or be comforted by Asmo when gets back from a party or stop in to check up on Lucifer and bring him coffee

But they couldn't because they weren't there and that made the human incredibly anxious and sad.

The human knew it wasn't as if they'd never see the Brothers again, that it was just that they were restricted to the daytime

But their anxiety about the change was still enough to push the human into keeping busy, hence the baking.

The prince felt so guilty. He kissed his Queen's forehead.

"I'm so sorry, my Sweetheart. I did not know that this would be such a difficult adjustment for you."

"I...I didn't say anything so of course you didn't know. Please don't blame yourself."

Diavolo kept his human close and stroked their hair.

"What can I do for you? Would you...would rather move back in with Lucifer and his brothers?"

MC pulled back and gave a small smile to their boyfriend.

"You're too sweet." The human leaned in and kissed their boyfriend. "Dia...thank you. I want stay here with you though; I want to give this a chance because...I know if I can adapt that we're going to be so very happy."

Diavolo smiled back at his Sweetheart and pulled them back in for a tight hug

...then starting smelled something burning.

After handling the now charcoal-looking treats, the prince carried his Queen bridal style back to their room, loving his human so deeply and cherishing this time with them as they both fell asleep.

Barbatos:

MC was staying the night at the castle with him. It was the first time the two of them have ever slept in the same bed

And ever done some...others things.

Tonight was definitely a milestone for the couple.

After the nights activities, the two had fallen asleep.

At some point though, Barbatos woke up with a sudden gnawing feeling as if something was wrong

And glanced at the other side of the bed to find that the human was gone.

After getting dressed, the man wandered the castle in search of them and found MC in the kitchen.

"My Dear?" The butler stepped inside just in time to see them pull the pie out of the oven.

The human smiled nervously at him.

"Oh...hi." They looked away. "Sorry, I just...yeah."

Barbatos raised an eyebrow.

"Is there something on your mind?" He approached the human as they set the pie on the on the counter.

MC stared down into the pie.

"Barb...are you really okay with settling for me?"

The man pursed his lips and stared at them for a moment before laying his hand on their cheek.

"I am sorry I that ever made you believe such a thing was worth asking, my Pet. I assure you, 'settling' is not the case. Life has gifted me with you and I treasure you above all else."

"E...Even though I'm human?"

"MC, I have no issues with your race. You are a person, same as I, and a lovely one at that."

The human launched at the man, pulling him into a hug. Eyes wide, Barb started stroking their hair.

"Is this why you're out of bed and...baking in the middle of the night?"

"Mhmm." His Dear mumbled from against his chest. "I just...I couldn't sleep after...you know...and these thoughts filled my head and I just wanted to keep busy so I didn't have to focus on them."

"Do you regret it, my Dear? Did we move too fast?"

"No!" MC pushed back. "I was ready...I was so happy. I just...afterwards, it just felt kinda scary. You make me feel so incredibly loved and it's overwhelming since I don't feel as if I deserve it."

The human took his hand and squeezed it.

"I love you. This...this is just me. This is my issue and you help just by loving me despite it, okay?"

Barbatos leaned in and kissed their forehead.

"Alright, my Dear." He told them. "Now, is there anything you need?"

MC glanced at the pie then smiled shyly.

"...Wanna eat some cherry pie with me?"

He gave them a small smile in return.

"If that is what you wish, my Dear."

Solomon:

MC was spending the night at Purgatory Hall with their boyfriend.

It was around 1am when Solomon felt the other human slip out of bed.

Assuming they just needed to use the restroom, the man didn't think much of it and let himself drift back to sleep.

About an hour later, the man turned on his side and reached out to hold his little Minx to his chest, just to find the space next to him still empty.

The sorcerer frowned, not able to fall back asleep with MC unaccounted for.

He gave a sleepy groan before kicking off the blankets and rising from the bed, heading towards his door.

He found the other human in the kitchen with the counter covered with peanut butter cookies and a plate of their own with them at the table with a glass of milk.

"Little Minx, was this really necessary at 2am?" He asked, smiling at them in a mild amusement.

The other human jumped at his voice and accidentally dropped their cookie in their milk, causing a splash and small drops of milk to spill on the table.

MC pouted, causing their boyfriend to give a small chuckle.

The sorcerer took a seat next to them and grabbed a cookie for himself, taking a bite as he watched MC try to fish their own cookie out of their milk.

"Why are you awake?" MC asked him softly.

Solomon raised an eyebrow.

"I believe that's my question for you, little Minx."

Silence. MC stared down into their milk, giving up and letting the cookie somewhat float inside.

The man frowned.

"I cannot help if you don't talk to me, MC."

"W...What's going to happen to us?" MC started to fidget in their seat. "I mean...summer is coming and...the school year is ending..."

Solomon watched the other human, letting them continue since he could tell they were trying to find their words in order to continue.

"Are you...is there..." MC bit their lip. "Are we gonna be invited back next year as exchange students? If not...are we...can we still be together? Or do we have to...ya know..."

"Do you honestly think I'd break up with you if we couldn't attend RAD anymore?"

"....."

The man sighed and pulled his Minx into a hug.

"This relationship isn't just something to past the time during my stay here. If that was all it was, I wouldn't have dated you or anyone." He told them. "I'm with you because...it's simply what I want to do. There's something here with you that I never had with others. Something I don't think I could ever let go of."

"Really?"

"Really, little Minx." He smiled at them. "I may not be sure when or if we'll be invited back here, but that will not be a factor in our relationship. We'll simply be happy in the Human realm for a while."

He pulled them in and gave them a long, sweet kiss.

"Now, let's finish off a few cookies and get back to sleep, alright, little Minx?"

Simeon:

MC was spending the night at Purgatory Hall after a game night. Lucifer allowed it, thinking MC would sleep in the extra room in Purgatory Hall, the one that originally would have been theirs anyway if Diavolo hadn't decided that they were safer at House of Lamentation.

Of course, MC was actually in bed with their boyfriend; the other two housemates knew of their relationship at this point and wouldn't tell others their secret.

At some point during the night, Simeon jolted awake. Did he have a bad dream? The man honestly didn't know since whatever he might have dreamt faded quickly as he focused on his breathing and reached out for his Feather--to find that they were no longer laying next to him.

For whatever reason, he had this sickening feeling in him as if something was wrong. He rushed out of bed and went in search of the human.

He found them in the kitchen, asleep on the floor in front of the oven

Which had smoke coming out of it.

The angel ran over and picked up the human, waking them in the process as he sat them by the entry way and went back to deal with the small fire in the oven.

"S-Simeon?" The human called him, sleepy and confused.

With the fire out, the man sighed in relief and returned to his Lamb's side, lowering himself to the floor and pulling them into his arms.

"Oh, my Feather..." He said softly, not losening the embrace.

MC's sleepy brain had finally caught up with the situation.

"Oh my...I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"You're okay." The man pulled back and eyed them up and down. "You are okay, yes?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

Simeon pulled them back in and held them for a minute more before kissing their forehead.

"Now what were you doing, my Lamb? Why were you out of bed?"

"I was...baking."

"...MC, it's 2am."

The human looked away.

"I know..."

With a pained expression on their face, the human spoke of the bad anxiety they have been feeling as of late, how they were hoping that by staying the night here and sleeping by his side that such anxiety would dissipate, but all it actually did was remind them of all they are scared of.

This relationship...it's so delicate. They cannot openly be with each other without risking ruin. If the wrong person hears, if the Celestial realm even suspects it...everything could fall apart.

"I've just been scared of losing you and it's hard no being able to confide in Lucifer or Mammon or Beel or any of them like I usually do...so the anxiety I've been feeling just built up and I couldn't sleep so I decide get up and I eventually just thought I could bake a few cookies and just busy myself so I don't have to think about it, at least for the time being...but I guess I fell asleep anyway."

"My Feather...you should have told me." He wiped a tear from their cheek, one MC never knew had fallen till then. "I'm so sorry for the stress this has put on you."

"I couldn't...I...I'm scared. I was worried that if I told you how I felt, you'd leave me thinking it was best for me, but in reality, it would crush me."

"MC, I would never. This...you are everything to me. I love you so deeply that I simply wouldn't have the strength to do that."

"You promise?"

"I swear on my very soul that I will do all within my power to stay by your side."

The two stayed huddled together on the floor for awhile, taking comfort in the closeness.

"Well, this...ordeal explains my sudden consciousness earlier."

The angel explained his sudden jolt of panic as he searched for them in bed. When MC asked what he meant, the man continue.

"We seem to have an...unofficial covenant though I'm not quite sure how."

"What's a covenant?"

"It's...I suppose you could compare them to your pacts with the brothers. A covenant is the binding agreement with an angel and a human when they seek protection and Celestial blessings in their life, in exchange for them to serve and help the angel in the Celestial realm for a time after their death. It's to help humans while also serving as another way of expanding the Angelic population." He explained. "However, we have not made such a covenant nor could we if we wanted to...such an agreement cannot be made with those who have made pacts with demons. Still...somehow my soul is reacting to you as if we had made one."

The couple had more questions than answers about their lives together, but it was nothing they could solve that night.

The two talked for a while before Simeon picked his Lamb up and carried them back to bed.

The two fell asleep in an embrace, all worries still in place, but both still feeling that regardless of it all, where they truly belonged was right next to each other.

#obey me #obey me otome #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me solomon #obey me simeon #obey me mc

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obeyme-kaidii-writes · 3 years

Text

Beginnings (6/9)

Mammon x ace gn!MC x ace!Leviathan

NOTE - read the content warnings listed in Part 1

[ AO3 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 ]

As soon as you felt Levi returning your hug, you closed his door behind you with your foot, giving him some much needed privacy as he silently cried while you held him. You felt a little bad that you hadn’t been able to talk to him sooner, seeing how worked up he had gotten. You gently ran your fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, which only caused him to shiver before he pulled you even closer than before.

“It’s ok, Levi. You didn’t really think I was going to let you get away with rejecting me at the end of a letter like that, did you?” you teased him. He didn’t respond, only clutched at your shirt as he tried to calm himself.

“We need to talk, you know?” you continued, feeling Levi stiffen against you. Talking. He didn’t like talking. What was there to talk about? Were you going to reject him after all?? Just like he had done to you?? Was this karma??

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s not a bad talk. I promise.” You felt Levi nod slightly against you, and you turned to press a kiss to his head, “It’ll be ok.”

There was no helping the smile that was on your lips. You had half expected Levi to insist on not speaking to you, and part of you really hadn’t even been sure that he was actually in his room when you had started talking. But as soon as he opened his door, you knew all you needed to know. He didn’t really want to reject you, his insecurities had just gotten the better of him.

A few moments later, Levi pulled away enough to wipe at his face with the sleeves of his jacket. He felt more than a little silly at having been caught crying like that, and then breaking down completely when he heard your confession. He kept his head lowered, hiding behind his bangs as best he could. You rested your forehead against the top of Levi’s head, occasionally giving him a small kiss, which only left him more embarrassed, albeit ridiculously happy.

“C’mon, let’s go sit down so we can talk.”

“Umm yeah,” Levi replied, taking a quick glance around his room before settling on the tub as the optimal place to have a, in all likelihood embarrassing, personal conversation. Laying down in the tub you wouldn’t be able to see his face, and he wouldn’t have to look at yours either.

He gently tugged on your hand, grabbing blankets and pillows off the floor as he led you further inside his room. He really had made such a mess of things when he had rushed to get to you, and he secretly hoped you didn’t notice. You knew however, what the cause of all the mess was, but you decided to spare Levi the teasing this once. At least until you had a chance to talk with him about the other things on your mind.

You climbed into the tub first, settling down quickly, before opening your arms to encourage a very blushy Leviathan to join you. This wasn’t the first time the two of you had cuddled in this position, it was one you often fell asleep together in if you stayed up too late watching a movie. But now that both of your feelings were out in the open, it just seemed so much more intimate and much less innocent and platonic.

A small chuckle escaped your lips as Levi finally climbed in beside you, resting his head on your chest and looping his arm around your waist. He could feel his heart still beating rapidly, his mind too hung up on the position he was now in. As you started to rub his back, he slowly started to relax, and you patiently waited for him to calm down before asking him any questions.

“You feeling better?” you finally asked, giving Levi a small squeeze around the shoulders.

“...y-yeah.”

“That’s good,” you paused briefly before continuing, “I really liked the letter you wrote me.”

Levi tightened his grip around your waist, anxiety starting to build again now that you had mentioned his letter. That was really the last thing he wanted to talk about, if he was being honest.

“I just, I don’t understand why you thought you wouldn’t be a good boyfriend.”

“...isn’t it obvious,” he mumbled.

“No, not really.”

“You and Mammon get along well. You have a lot in common,” he explained, hoping you could pick up on his vague hints.

“Umm, so do we…?” you replied, confused. You knew he was trying to avoid saying something, but couldn’t for the life of you figure out what.

“I mean...like I would much rather sleep with you like this than...other ways…”

“...ok…?” things weren’t getting any more clear for you at this point, if anything you were only more confused. You just wanted to cuddle with him right now too, so what was the problem?

“Umm...you know how you and Mammon do stuff together? Stuff you don’t do with me…?”

“Stuff I don’t…” you snapped your mouth shut as soon as you realized what stuff Levi was talking about, embarrassed and completely blindsided at the direction this conversation was going. Thinking about it, such a conversation was inevitable if your relationship was to go forward, but this wasn’t something you had ever spoken about to Levi before, joking or otherwise.

“Well, I don’t...do...those things…”

“...okay…?”

Levi took a deep breath, a little frustrated that you weren’t picking up on his meaning by now. He was also a bit anxious about explaining this to you, unsure of how you’d react. At least you’d still be his friend, right? Even if you decided he couldn’t make you happy in other ways?

“...I’m asexual.”

You weren’t quite sure what that meant, besides the obvious, but you could tell that Levi was nervous about telling you. You started to comb your fingers through his hair, holding him closer with your other arm, hoping to reassure him that you weren’t going anywhere.

“Can you tell me what that means?” you asked, keeping your voice soft and gentle.

“Well, it’s uh...kinda different for everyone I guess? For me I don’t like to...you know...but some people still do sometimes,” Levi explained, the feeling of your fingers in his hair helping to soothe his nerves, making it easier for him to open up as he continued, “It’s not really a one size fits all sort of thing.”

“That doesn’t sound like such a big deal. Why were you so nervous?” you gave Levi a squeeze, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“Huh? Really?” Levi propped himself up on his elbow to look at you, confused with how easily you seem to have accepted this. Even among demons, where there wasn’t any social stigma surrounding sexual activity, it was still considered a bit...unusual. And Levi knew from all his human world media consumption that things like this were even less common there. So why did you seem unphased?

“Well, yeah? What else am I supposed to say? It’s not that important to me either, so I can understand how someone wouldn’t be interested in it at all.”

You brushed Levi’s bangs out of his face, tucking a few loose strands behind his ear and as he studied you. He really did seem genuinely surprised at your reaction, though you couldn’t imagine why. Had he expected you to laugh at him or something? Get mad?

You gave him a soft smile, causing him to blush when he realized just how long he had to have been staring at you. Just when he thought he knew you, you always seemed to do something unexpected. And this was probably one of the best sort of unexpected things he could ask for.

“Wait, is this why you thought I wouldn’t be happy with you?” you asked, suddenly remembering what had started this conversation.

Levi’s blush deepened, as he lowered his gaze and nodded his head. This wasn’t the only thing he had had on his mind, but it was the one he most feared your rejection over.

“Aww, Levi, you don’t need to worry about that.”

You slipped your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. He was quick to wrap his arm around your back, hugging you in return, relief flooding his body. How did he get so lucky as to meet you? He knew he had told you several times before that he thought you were an angel, but he really meant it this time. No way someone as perfect, kind, and understanding as you could be anything but.

“So if you don’t like that, are there other things you are ok with? Or stuff I should avoid? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, you’re fine,” Levi replied, shaking his head, “Just ask I guess?”

“Hugging, kissing, hand holding...that’s all ok right?”

“Y-yeah…that’s ok…” he mumbled into your neck, more embarrassed by discussing kissing than he had been about discussing his sexuality.

“You know, it almost sounds like it might apply to me too. I’d much rather do this most of the time,” you mused. Levi had lowered his body down again, his torso somewhat half on top of yours. You gently scratched at his back, drawing random shapes and patterns as you cuddled him, “Like if someone would have asked me what my ideal evening with my partner would be, this would pretty much be it.”

As you laid there together in comfortable silence, you let your mind start to wander back to when you were growing up. You had never really had the same sort of relationships that your peers seemed to be interested in. One partner even calling you a prude because of your lack of desire to do anything beyond holding hands. You had always written those sorts of things off as just trouble finding decent people to date, and hadn’t spent much time looking into it further.

As you got older, you had gotten more curious, so it seemed to come up less often. But still you never seemed quite as into it as those around you, content to take a calming bath with your partner most nights than doing anything else. You thought about occasionally asking one of your close friends about their thoughts on the subject, yet something always made you hesitate to mention it.

Mammon had probably been the most loving and supportive partner you had had to date. Even though he was pretty much always ready to go at a moments notice, he never pressured you to do more than you felt comfortable. And he was happy to find other ways to please you and spend intimate moments together. There had been a few times here or there in the beginning, of course, when you both had still been trying to figure things out, where he took your lack of interest personally. But you were always able to reassure him, since his primary fear was rejection more than anything.

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm?” you looked at Levi, who had now raised his head to check on you.

“You were really still so I thought maybe you were...reconsidering…?” his voice trailed off.

“Oh no no no, sorry! I was just lost in thought. I’m fine. You’re fine,” you smiled at him again before gently guiding his head back down to rest against your shoulder where it had been, “It’s just the more I think about it, the more I think it might apply to me too. I just didn’t really know that was a thing before, you know? I’ve always been kinda nervous to ask anyone about it since it seemed like everyone else just knew what those feelings were.”

Levi tightened his grip around you, protectively almost. He knew that feeling. That anxiety about not wanting to draw attention to the fact that you’re different. He didn’t like imagining you feeling that way. You had always made him feel safe, and he wanted to be able to do the same for you. He knew it was silly, there wasn’t anything he could do about things that happened before you met him, but still. He wanted to make sure you knew at least that he would have been there for you if he could have.

“I have some links and stuff I could send you. It might help,” he offered.

“Yeah that would be good, thanks,” you replied, giving him another kiss to the top of his head and an affectionate squeeze. “Anyways, there is still something we have to talk about,” you continued, changing the subject.

“Th-th-there is?” Levi stuttered, unsure what could possibly still be needing to be discussed.

“Mammon.”

Levi flinched in your arms at the sound of his brother's name. He had forgotten about him completely, but as soon as you mentioned him, the scene at breakfast started replaying itself in his head.

“We made up, which I think you figured out this morning.”

“...yeah,” Levi weakly replied. Of course this all was too good to be true. Sure you loved him, but that didn’t really make a difference, did it? You still had Mammon. These must have just been some affectionate goodbye pity cuddles you were giving him before cutting him out of your life for good.

“Well, awhile ago Asmo was telling me about demon relationships, and how polyamorous relationships were pretty common here…” you paused, taking a deep breath to calm yourself, the knot of anxiety in your stomach forming once again as you recalled the first time you had talked to Mammon about this. Levi was Envy personified, after all, him reacting in a similar manner wouldn’t be outside of the realm of possibility.

“So I was wondering...if you’d maybe...like to try that…?”

“REALLY?!” Levi snapped his head up, almost whacking you in the face in the process. His eyes were sparkling with excitement like you had just offered him the world. And you did, from his perspective. Yeah he’d have to share, but he could touch you too! A lot if he ever got brave enough! He could even plan a real date! Like a normie! Maybe he could even convince you to go to a maid cafe with him?! Or dress up like a maid?! And cosplay! There were so many great cosplays he could do with three people!

“Wh…” you were startled by Levi’s eager reaction, but he was just so excited, you couldn’t help but laugh at how cute he looked, “Yeah Levi, I mean it,” you replied with a smile of your own, ��We will need to discuss details with Mammon, but he’s already agreed to the idea too.”

The next thing you knew, Levi had tackled you into a hug, pushing you further down into his nest of pillows, completely overwhelmed with happiness.

#gn!mc #ace!mc #poly mc #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me fanfic

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wxldchxld · 3 years

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angelica : where does your muse draw inspiration in life ? what motivates them ?

apple blossom : how does your muse go about expressing or not expressing their sexuality ?

bachelor’s button : does your muse actively seek romantic companionship , or cherish the liberties of being single ?

basil : does your muse have a love - hate relationship with anyone or anything ?

bay tree : does your muse seek glory & accolades , or do they favour a simpler , more personal life ?

begonia : how cautious is your muse ? are they prone to noticing red flags , or paranoid to the point of untrusting most everyone ? why or why not ?

angelica : where does your muse draw inspiration in life ? what motivates them ?

The two biggies are nature and music. Arguably her favorite things to exist. Beck loves wild, untamed places where she can forget humans exist. She loves the bitter cold of a frozen tundra and the oppressive desert heat. She loves sun rises through the canopy of the forest and the glow of the northern lights. Most importantly she loves all of the creatures that live there. It is what inspires her, invigorates her, and honestly gives her life. Music is much the same. Like pretty much all witches in my lore, Beck has a very lovely singing voice and she both enjoys and sings a large variety of music. At one time Harper almost convinced her to start a band with her, but her family being psycho kinda blew that out of the water.

apple blossom : how does your muse go about expressing or not expressing their sexuality ?

Can I just say how grateful I am for questions like this. Past partners of mine have been really bad about infantalizing and desexualizing Beck so I'm always happy when I get questions about her sexuality.

It's very hard to know if Beck actually wants to sleep with you. She's extremely open about being bisexual, but she's also a compulsive liar who just flirts as a primary form of communication. She is also just stupidly touchy feely. She loves to put her hands all over people (with consent, of course) and usually she's really receptive to others touching her so long as she isn't being harmed.

But Beck is attracted to both sexes, though she tends to lean far more toward women. And she's totally fine with public displays of affection. She is very open, if not a little too open, about her past experiences and desires.

bachelor’s button : does your muse actively seek romantic companionship , or cherish the liberties of being single ?

Beck occasionally seeks sexual companionship, but not really romantic. She kind of falls into romances. She doesn't really mean to. In her Re8 verse, while she appears to be in her late twenties, Beck's about 70 years old, and hasn't really ever moved on from the trauma of leaving/losing Harper. A part of her genuinely believes she never deserves to have that kind of love again because of the horrible thing she did to the woman she loved so deeply. Another part of her can't ever fully let go of the love that she still has for Harper.

I do write her in other romances, but they tend to just fall into place. And its hard because the same issues Beck/Harper had, will threaten any potential chances at love she has. Beck isn't on dating apps or thinking about whether or not the person she's just met could be the one. She's not trying to get swept up in a romance. She's just trying to survive.

basil : does your muse have a love - hate relationship with anyone or anything ?

Mmmm I guess just people in general? Beck doesn't hate people overall. She's not out here trying to harm people in serious ways. At least not unless they're profoundly shitty people. But people drive her insane. Cities make her want to rip off her own skin. People are noisy and foreign and have all these rules she has to follow and she barely understands half of them. People look at her like she's crazy or stupid. Worst of all, people have hurt her. Time and time again. Those who she was supposed to be able to try, her caretakers, her family, have caused irreparable damage.

bay tree : does your muse seek glory & accolades , or do they favour a simpler , more personal life ?

Beck could not care less about glory. Beck wants to be allowed to be happy. She wants a life where if she moves it is because she wants to. She wants a world where she doesn't have to give up the woman she loved to save them both. She's accepted that she will never belong with people, and she actually likes the feeling of being small and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. She just wants to be free.

begonia : how cautious is your muse ? are they prone to noticing red flags , or paranoid to the point of untrusting most everyone ? why or why not ?

Beck is very cautious about people. About anything else? Absolutely zero brain cells. She'll jump off a cliff to see if she can transform in time to fly away or see how deep she can swim before she feels like her lungs will pop. She'll face down just about any animal in existence, magical or otherwise.

But with people she's cautious. A long history of abuse has taught her people are the worst monsters out there. And more often than not, it is the people who you know the best that hurt you the worst.

However I will say there comes a point where Beck gets used to people, and she's so hyper/wound up/frustrated/anxious that she just starts causing chaos. This happens because (as I pointed out in the hc above) being forced to stay in a domestic environment for extended periods of time, really wears Beck down. So she just kinda turns into the monster that just wants to push buttons and destroy shit. At this time her caution is thrown to the wind, and honestly she probably doesn't care if it gets her killed.

#hc

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supercasey · 4 years

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What are the TF2 Mercs' comfort activities? Like, if they get anxious or stressed, what do they do to feel better?

What a fun idea! ((Btw, I am 100% gonna be projecting directly onto Scout and no one here can fucking stop me!))

Engineer: It honestly depends on what’s got him so frustrated; if it’s a malfunction with one of his inventions that he just can’t seem to fix, what he needs to do is walk away and do something else entirely, but if it’s stress caused by something different in his life, he just wants to be in the same room as a bunch of his teammates and chill. They don’t need to hang out directly, but he just needs to hear their voices and remember that it’s gonna be okay.

Demoman: If he can’t call his mom to talk to her about it, and for whatever reason doesn’t have any alcohol to drink himself to ignorance with, he very much just wants to just draw out his frustrations; he isn’t much of an artist, but just scribbling on a piece of paper until it’s black and torn can help get some of his feelings out. He might also open up to someone, but only if he’s pressed to do so and he feels safe enough to talk about it.

Soldier: He tries everything in his power to hide his stress through good old fashioned repression, but once he reaches his limit... dear god, it’s hell. He’s probably just gonna nab the nearest vehicle, drive as far as he can, park the car, and then scream until his voice is gone. After he stole Sniper’s van at one point, he finally agreed to Sniper’s demands that he let Sniper drive him out to the desert to scream. Sometimes other mercs come along as well, but not always.

Medic: This dude is the definition of “Fake it ‘til ya make it!” with damn near everything, do you really think he ain’t repressing even harder than Soldier is? In all seriousness, when the dam breaks for him, it isn’t as straight up horrifying, but he will lock himself in his room/office and cry for hours on end when it’s too much to deal with. During those times, only Heavy, Engie, and Sniper are allowed to come near him, or else he’ll get really fucking pissed and lash out. He doesn’t mean to hurt anyone, and he’ll apologize later, he just needs his space.

Heavy: Stress bakes. He’s dealt with a lot of stress throughout his life, and since he was a young teenager trying to help his mom raise his little sisters, cooking of any kind has become his go-to method of fighting off his fears while also doing something to help his family/team. He usually makes a few baked goods throughout his sessions of stress relief; the more elaborate they are, the more stressed out he is when he’s making them. Leave him alone until he’s done.

Pyro: They really don’t like to open up to the team about their issues if they can help it, on account of not wanting to be looked at directly, so they usually just hide away in their room in a pile of stuffed animals and cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore. If any of the other mercs overhear, they’ll either get Engie to check on Pyro or they’ll make them some hot cocoa; none of them ever gets to see Pyro drink it, but the crying tends to slow down once they’ve got a hot drink to hold, and the mug is always found empty in the sink the day afterwards.

Sniper: He handles stress about as well as anyone else on the team, which is to say, poorly if not given what he needs in that moment, which can kinda vary. Will insist he needs space, but what he honestly craves is someone to stay near until he feels better, preferably with physical affection involved. Pretty much everyone is now accustomed to being close to each other, so they’re all fine with a little hugging if it’s needed, especially Heavy and Pyro.

Spy: Depending on the issue, this guy is probably gonna go through a few packs of cigarettes within the day, just going from one cigarette to the next in an attempt to dull the pain and his senses. He likes to also listen to music in an otherwise quiet part of the base and be left alone; will sometimes just chill on the roof and smoke until sundown. He doesn’t like to be bothered when on the roof, but he won’t turn someone away if they’re hurting too, especially if it’s something that’s hurt the whole team.

Scout: One word; movement. Since he was a preteen, he’s taken to running his stress off, or at the very least pacing in circles. If one is available- though he’ll never let the team find out about this- he’ll go to the nearest swing-set and just swing until his legs are sore, usually with headphones on that are pumping out music that reminds him of home. These venting sessions almost always end with him just sitting on the swing, his legs dangling as he silently sobs. Not even Spy knows about this form of venting, and Scout intends on keeping it that way.

BONUS Miss Pauling: She has a very hard time dealing with stress, especially when on the job. If she’s actively working, she’ll just close herself off and continue the job without another word, but the minute she’s done or has some time to breathe, she’s locking herself in a closet and practicing breathing exercises until she isn’t freaking out anymore. Will also read a book if one’s available, even if it’s just a dictionary; anything to focus on that isn’t the stress.

In all honesty, I really enjoyed answering this ask tonight; I’ve been really fucking stressed lately, and tonight was a lot rougher on me for no real reason (just a bunch of tiny things stacked on top of each other to make me sad and stressed out as all hell), so I appreciate the chance to kinda vent through some of my favorite characters rn. I hope these were satisfying headcanons!

#supercasey askies #anonomi #tf2 #tf2 headcanons #tf2 engineer #tf2 engie #tf2 demoman #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #tf2 pyro #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #tf2 scout #tf2 ms pauling #tf2 miss pauling #tf2 mercs

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flickityfics · 3 years

Text

Ch.10 A Day Without Zuko

a/n:Warning: smut

Hi, Gaang! The construction is going to take another six months but it's coming along nicely. I've met a lot of people and they're all use to me being around, they've helped me as well so it's been great knowing everyone and being a regular here. I learned things down here doing laundry, cooking and I'm always doing my training of course, gotta stay sharp you know! Katara, I'll never underestimate women ever again. I've seen first hand how hard it is for girls to be taken seriously or respected, its brutal and outrageous. Let me know how you guys are doing by the way, its taking a long time to see you guys again and I wish I could be over there helping you but as long as I know you guys are okay, I don't mind staying longer to help out over here so just take care of yourselves .

-Sokka

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Suki its so hard being a girl. So many creepy guys hit on you or don't think you can do a job on your own, its annoying. Then they're the girls who starts fight with each other or looking at you with disgust and pure hate, you just can't win with anyone when I'm just trying to mind my own business here. Anyways I'm working different jobs here, still searching on how to turn back when I can, mostly stuck at the library with no answers and just crossing things off that don't make sense with my situation. I'll probably have to look into some spirits like you mentioned before. Oh and what could really help me is if you can tell me different parts of my body and what it does? Maybe even draw me a diagram as a reference please and thank you, so sorry for this uncomfortable favor. I'll keep my head up and keep trying to work this out. Hope you're doing fine on your side, write me whenever you have the time, take care.

-Sokka

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Sokka mailed off the letters deciding to use his free time before work to put up the posters he made earlier of Appa around Ba Sing Se. He just wanted to do his part in helping out the gaang however he could. It took about twenty-five minutes to get all the posters everywhere before taking a snack break. After a small meal he headed to his new job.

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Sokka came into the Jasmine Dragon exhausted and ready to vent at Zuko but caught Iroh instead by himself in the kitchens.

"Hey uncle, where's Lee?" he asked curiously looking for the scarred teen.

"Ah, my nephew went on an errand getting new tea sets and tea." Iroh expertly lied.

Sokka couldn't help being suspicious since it was late to be getting stuff at this hour but he also didn't know how businesses do there whole delivery system so he'd just question Zuko later and see if their story matches up.

"Guess I'll just have to settle with talking your ear off old man." He grinned to the elder.

Iroh grinned back, "Well you know this old man is a big talker so go right ahead." He waited curiously knowing the young girls story will be interesting from the conversations he's overheard from her and his nephew.

"I just can't seem to find a job that I enjoy or liked to stick with. This is already my seventh job and I want a new one already but I'm limited to jobs because of stupid men not thinking I'm capable or not deeming the workplace fit for women. On the other hand I can't be too picky either because I have living expenses and don't want to come off as unreliable from switching jobs so much, I'd like to find my calling and enjoy a job I'm passionate about. I have skills but they can't be utilized because dumb men don't want to hear opinions from women. I know how to fish, somewhat fight, I'm good at planning, being a strategist, fast learner, strong, learning how to take charge and great with organizing and planning. I've just got all these good ideas and things to invent but no one wants to hear me out or to take me seriously." Sokka was frustrated with these types of problems, he realizes what a complete jerk he's been himself towards his sister and other girls but he's definitely gonna try being a better person seeing all the efforts they put in but don't get the same efforts back.

"What do you think uncle? Am I asking for too much?" He asked.

Iroh stroked his beard, "Let me get us some tea." He then left the young girls side to prepare the tea he had in mind.

Sokka could only lift his brow at the old man, watching impatiently as he took his sweet old time with the tea.

"Now it's not bad trying out different things to find what you're good or passionate about but I do see where it'll be difficult since most people are set in their ways and not wanting change. You are young and strong-willed, I believe you have the courage and strength within to make these changes possible no matter how slow the progress may be so long as you do not give up." Iroh really believed in his words about Miyuki, she was quite stubborn and willing to tell people off for any injustice she felt towards herself or others. It's why he's liked her so much near his nephew.

Sokka really thought about the uncle's wise words, it seemed so simple hearing it out like that. All it takes is small steps and he knew he wasn't one to give up....well, maybe only when things are really looking bad. In all honesty Sokka was sure he could keep up and handle being a girl a bit longer even though he'd really like his body back but he's gotta do what he can to live comfortably as is for now. It may not to be as freely as when he was a boy but he could handle putting some rude men and or women in there places if need be.

"Thanks for the pep talk geezer, that actually helps clear my mind, guess I just needed someone's perspective on stuff." He was happy talking with Zuko's uncle, it really helped him get things off his chest and feel heard. Normally these would be talks with Zuko but the jerk bender just had to be off on an errand.

"I'm gonna take off now, can you let Lee know I stopped by?" He asked.

"I'll let him know. I'm glad you drag him along places, thank you." Iroh was really grateful towards Miyuki always taking his nephew out, she brings more life into him he noticed.

Sokka waved off the old man as he left the tea shop. The sun was down and already the streets were lit. It was a nice, calming walk with the light buzz of late night activities. He really did enjoy the weather here in Ba Sing Se instead of being in layers, he had loose pants with a dark green tunic. As he kept walking he noticed off to the side a wanted poster that caught his eye, he walked over seeing a vaguely familiar mask but not really remembering, scanning the words he mumbled to himself, "Blue Spirit wanted blah blah may be a ghost? uh..Kidnapped Avatar, hmmm... feels like something I should know." The poster piqued his interest for a short while before he shrugged it off as no importance to him and went his merry way towards the inn.

Back at the inn Sokka felt like a nice hot bath would be perfect to relax at the end of the day. He went straight for the bathroom as he got back in his room, did some cleaning around the room as he waited for the tub to fill. He still felt awkward with his body but today he felt sure to do some more exploring.

The warmth of the water relaxed him to the bones, it felt like such bliss to feel the nice heat incase his whole body. He splashed around a bit making ripples in the water. This was the first time he took a bath with his eyes opened, he tried to avoid washing for two to three days and when he did it was only a quick rub down and rinse with eyes closed the entire time. But now? Now he watched himself as he slowly moved his hands on his new girlish thighs, he could feel hairs along the way, they were actually quite long, he knew Katara and Suki kept they're legs smooth but not how and now there's another embarrassing question to ask Suki later.

He tried again groping his chest just going for it, squeezing and moving them in all directions, it didn't really feel much to him still. He just kinda bounced them but couldn't feel anything sexual, he was sure if he had a girl in front of him and not his own body that it would be more exciting. Going a bit more down, he played with his soft little plump of a stomach, he definitely missed his flat stomach that he was working so hard on for nice abs. Eyes scanning further, he thought his feet were kinda cute not to say he checked out feet but he totally lucked out in cute feet as a girl.

--Warning: smut--

Now for the part he was anxious to explore more thoroughly. With a deep breath he ran his hand down feeling the dark course hairs covering his newly made vagina. He split the wet hairs just twirling them and rubbing between his fingers just curious at how they felt and looked. They felt much the same as his so no difference there...well besides the obvious missing usual protrusion. It was kind of fun playing with it and sorta felt good to. Closing his eyes he slipped a finger in his folds noticing it wasn't as wet as the other times he felt awkwardly aroused as Suki embarrassingly explained through letters. Sokka rubbed at the nub he felt and added pressure realizing the pleasure it caused, he pressed down harder rubbing slow circles. As he rubbed himself he could feel his wetness making the pleasure easier. After feeling the fun sensation for a bit he then lowered his fingers again feeling a dip into a small hole, it felt tight but once he tried to dip his finger in he flinched from the dry pain he felt. "Okay, that definitely didn't feel nice." It was actually quite scary he thought, he waited til his body relaxed once again before foregoing that area and sticking with the pleasure he got from the small bud up top. He didn't think of much besides building the pressure towards this nice pleasure he felt, it was like a nice slow yet intense build up to an amazing uncontained burst. He couldn't stop himself from speeding up his fingers and thrusting his hips slightly to catch that release, his fingers were aching with the pleasure that was sure to come. It felt completely different from his own body but totally awesome still. His hand was cramping, he could hear the splashes in the water but all he cared about was that sweet peak and nothing else, he was so close, so close.

"Ah, ah right there. " Sokka let out his moans as he felt his hips shake and hand move faster finally falling into an amazing orgasm. He had to catch his breath and remove his hand gently now feeling the unpleasant cramping. "Oh that was different but so so amazing." He tilted his head back enjoying how relaxed he felt and finishing up in the bath. He emptied the tub and rinsed once more getting out on slightly shaky legs.

--End smut--

He was back in his room relaxed and feeling good. He did feel kinda weird about the whole self pleasure with the new body of his but it was great once trying it. Before heading to bed, he did some light combinations of kicks and arm movements along with some breathing techniques he's learned form Zuko. He started doing them every night and morning as Zuko suggested, 'dang, that violent jerk is actually giving him good habits to learn from.' he realized. Everytime he tried to repeat how dangerous and horrible Zuko is it just gets overruled by the Zuko he's been getting to know now. And that's how the tanned teen slept, with thoughts overflowing with prince Zuko.

#zukka #atla #zuko x sokka #boylove #smut #rating: mature

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bewaretheidesofmarchyall · 4 years

Text

Soulmate Shenanigans Five: The Order Of The Shenanigans

Hey! Guess who has returned?

Me!

Just the March doing her prompt writing thing, as seen on previous episodes :)

Parts one, two, three, and four here!

Prompt #5

Any intense emotions your soulmate feels you will also experience

Warnings for kidnapping mention and gifted kid “potential” mention

Okay. Not going to lie, I kind of tweaked the concept, but I like how it turned out. The idea of the sides having sides in human AUs has been in my brain, and now it’s in yours!

World Building

At first, the symptoms of having a soulmate was seen as symptoms of witchcraft

It was a reasonable assumption to make, as seeing into someone’s head and emotions wasn’t really a thing that humans did.

However, as the population grew and communication across the globe became a thing, the instances of people finding their soulmates grew as well, and not everyone could be a witch (or, if they were, being a witch was simply being human).

It took a while for the culture around soulmates to shift, but shift it did, and people eventually figured out “Oh, that person is my soulmate, not my eternal enemy that I need to destroy via my demonic powers, which I totally have”

But people’s minds are kind of a lot, and it’s hard to process it all.

So, in modern day, people have learned to separate the pieces of their soulmate’s personality that they get bombarded with into different pieces, or sides

The sides are Logic, Morality/Emotions, Creativity (with there sometimes being a divide between dark and light), Self-Preservation, and Anxiety.

Characters

Roman: Roman is looking forward to meeting his soulmate so much!

Just...later.

When he’s a famous writer and people know about him and he’s evened out his insecurities and he deserves them!

Being perfect for them is going to take work, but most people meet their soulmates over 30, so he’s got at least fifteen years to prepare.

Until then, he was working on his fantasy story and dreaming of the day he’d get published or get the lead in a school play.

The writing club had been his idea, so you could say that everything that happens in the story was his fault. He’d just wanted to be around people who liked the same things he liked!

Roman’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have:

Note: Names are hard. Aaaagh.

Magnus, his creativity, romance, passion, etcetera. Magnus is really the one who calls the shots around here. He’s just as goofy of a fifteen year old (if not more) as Roman, but he has the unenviable position of running a mind palace and being the ego of someone who hates himself.

This guy just wants to listen to Hamilton, but noooo, he had to have an evil reflection of himself and self-worth issues.

The Count, his self-preservation and pretty much Roman’s inner Roxie Hart/Velma Kelly. Randomly suggests poisoning their mortal enemies a lot (note: they don’t have mortal enemies).

The most like canon Janus out of any of the self preservations, except instead of “we live in a society” it’s more “fuck it, we’re going to be *famous*!”

The other sides will pay him to stop saying, “that’s showbiz”

The Medic, his morality and emotions. Sort of has a medieval healer thing going on (which means herbs in a satchel, not plague doctor mask).

A lovely person on his own, but when he and The Guard team up, it’s ✨Guilt time!✨

He has the question of “Am I a terrible person?” on his hands, so...good luck to him. He’s trying to hold the five of them into a cohesive unit, but it’s hard!

The Guard, his fears and anxious thoughts. He has a shield and a spear, and is kind of dressed like a (dark and stormy) knight.

No one particularly likes him, but it’s his job to recognize The Shadow, so they all need him.

He hangs around on the outskirts of the mindscape, ever vigilant.

The Alchemist, his logic. No one listens to the voice of reason in this house. Al isn’t really a fan of this, and being Roman’s logic, he thinks that if he can find a way to prove himself it’ll turn out okay.

The Shadow, everything Magnus discarded. You could call him dark creativity, but he’s a lot more.

They used to call him Rex, when they were kids.

Patton: Patton isn’t thrilled with having to move to a new school, but he’s keeping a positive attitude

The new town is creepy and making friends is harder than he thought, and he just wants to right a sappy love story about ghosts without feeling sad.

But if he keeps his chin up, he knows it’ll all be fine!

And hey, maybe he’ll find people who like him in this writing club thing!

Patton’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have:

Patrick, his morality and emotions. Patrick feels all of the loneliness and desperation that Patton feels daily, but pretends he doesn’t feel it, since he has to be there for them!

Them meaning his family, meaning the rest of Patton’s mind, as well as Patton, since he’s kind of an older brother/role model to the guy.

Covering the full scope of human emotions isn’t great when the other half of your job is enforcing the sense of right and wrong (and the general consensus in Patton’s head is showing negative emotions = burden = wrong).

None of them can cook, but that won’t stop him from trying!

The Canary, his fears and anxious thoughts. Constantly popping up to remind everyone that they’re failing. It’s kind of his job.

Stress plays the piano when things get to be too much.

The Gardener, his creativity, romance, and passion. Conjures flowers a lot. Projects wishes for a soulmate into the sappy ghost love story, which he’s mostly in charge of writing.

Hasn’t split yet, but that’s mostly because nearly all of Patton’s negative impulses that would be considered “dark creativity” already come from The Miser.

Dr. Picani, his logical side. Knows everything about cartoons, and tries to be professional, but a complete sweetheart.

Secretly knows his name is Emile, but is waiting for the best moment to tell everyone.

The Miser, his self-preservation and deceitful side. No one’s a fan of him. Patrick is kind of his mortal nemesis (in the sense that Patrick claimed the title and he just kind of went along with it?)

Everyone else in the Pattonsphere refuses to curse, but he says many a “fuck” with ease

Trying to protect The Gardener from splitting by taking responsibility for most of the things a dark creativity would do.

Virgil: Virgil just didn’t want to join the yearbook committee.

It was irrational, maybe, to have a deep rooted hatred of the yearbook committee.

They were just trying to categorize things, design pages-it wasn’t malicious!

And yet, being in that classroom and seeing Amelia’s dead eyes and smile near rang every alarm bell in his system, so he needed a way out this year.

His parents weren’t going to let him not choose an activity, so he flipped a coin and ended up in some writing club.

He came into the club determined to fake some pretentious poetry about death. Just because they say the club’s about expression or whatever doesn’t mean that they can know anything about his comics.

Virgil’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have:

Dante, his fears and anxious thoughts. Dante has too many eyes. Dante is lowkey a cryptid, but he’s sadly a cryptid in charge of life decisions.

There’s no way to dance around it. Dante’s a spider-human hybrid.

Dante would prefer they never be perceived by anyone for anything. He does not want to be seen, he does not want to be heard, he does not want to be perceived. Period.

But he’s a very conspicuous spider-human hybrid.

The Competent One, The One Who Can Actually Do Math, Steve, whatever you want to call him, he’s Virgil’s logical side.

His theories are just....

See that image? That kind of sums up his characterization.

Parker, his creativity, romance, and heroic side. He’s the one who got them obsessed with comic books, and is trying to write his own. If people don’t like the comics, he’ll probably just start screaming and never stop

He gets the purple eyeshadow!

Remy, his self-preservation. He mainly just wants Virgil to just...rest

Nap. Sleep. Take a self-care day. This is Remy’s goal.

Also to continue to have the most style out of anyone in the Virgilsphere

Remy has a talent for never being anywhere at the right time, and then popping up at the worst moments, caffeine in hand.

Tam, his morality and emotions. The most into the emo phase out of any of them, since he feels all angst!

Sometimes just hovers and screams. Everyone’s pretty used to this.

Logan: Logan was trying to ignore the things he’d seen

Logan was a scientific guy. He knew that magic wasn’t real, that the fae were just stories.

So, clearly, the nightmarish things he’d seen that night were just that: nightmares. Just nightmares caused by stress over his academic struggles.

That was the immediate problem at hand: academic struggles. Logan was always the top of his class his whole life, and words like “gifted” were thrown around. Lately, however, things have been harder to keep up with and pay attention to, and it’s a bit of a mess.

Logan joined the writing club because he thought it might help him with English class, and he did like speculative fiction.

But, more importantly, he joined it because he thought it would be a simple task he could easily ace, so he wouldn’t have to keep being told that he wasn’t trying.

Logan’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have:

Mimir, his logical side. Mimir is pushing himself to take care of all academic matters and keep Logan afloat.

Mimir is over his head, but doesn’t really have anyone to talk to (or so he thinks), so he’s just putting Warby Parkers over his panic and faking cold distance to make everyone think he’s doing okay.

Alastor, his moral side. Half of his job is repressing Logan’s emotions, which isn’t a great thing to be doing, but he think he’s doing it for a good reason.

Kinda strict and blaming Mimir for everything going wrong. He does care about the others, he’s just bad at showing it.

Cassandros, his fears and anxious thoughts.

This dude-

He’s basically just [puts feet on coffee table] “Hey, did you know everyone hates us?? I made a PowerPoint that proves it!”

He’ll get character development, though.

The Chessmaster, his overdramatic self-preservation.

Tries to be clever, walks into walls.

The Detective, his creative and fanciful side. He wants to swashbuckle, but instead he’s restrained to geometry.

But now he has a project in the writing club! He has something to do!

And The Mad Scientist is trying to ruin it!

The Mad Scientist, Logan’s dark creativity.

They never used to care about the creative side one way or another. There was no need to make a dark side when it was already looked down upon.

Now, however, there are things in Logan’s mind that he’s trying not to think about, and so the Mad Scientist has joined the fray.

The Actual Plot

This is going to be an actual fic that I write. So, I’m not going to fill out the entire plot here.

I can, however say a few of the plot lines

Plot One: Everyone’s sides are in a state of constant screaming and must learn to communicate.

They also need to let their main guys figure out they have soulmates, because they’re all repressing that information for their own reasons.

Plot Two: LAMP in a writing club, falling in love and being disturbed by first drafts!

Plot Three: The fae are kidnapping people.

And everyone needs to get them to Stop.

I guess you could call this a trailer??

I JUST REALLY LIKE THIS IDEA

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

[yourheaventonight]

Where have you been all my life? I’ve always been right here.

Can you recite the Greek alphabet backwards? Nope. Or at all.

What social networks are you a part of? Like every main one.

Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? I’m not a total expert on anything.

What is one thing you will never understand? Why I’m like this.

Do you blog? This is it.

What was the last movie you watched? Godzilla vs Kong.

^Would you recommend it? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Admittedly, I was mainly interesting for Alexander Skarsgard, but I did think the movie was good.

With whom did you share your last awkward moment? My life is an awkward moment.

When was the last time you got all dolled up? It’s been yearsss.

Gimme yer best shot and insult me. Go ahead. Uh, no.

What do you think makes a person attractive? Physical attributes, certainly, but personality traits and who they are as a person makes a person attractive to me as well. Even more so.

Out of everyone you know, who has the worst taste in music? I don’t think anyone I know has bad taste in music, I share a lot of the same music taste.

^How about the best? ^^^

Can guys REALLY pull off skinny jeans? They can wear whatever they want.

What is one thing you missed out on that you wish you hadn't? I missed out on a lot of my 20s I feel like, it feels like a complete blur. I don’t know what happened to them. And now I’m in my 30s and I feel like I’m missing out on those, too. Just life, in general for the past several years. Everyone around is me is doing things and living life and I’m just wasting away.

What was the last thing/place you decorated? My room for Christmas.

Have you just recently started listening to any new bands? No. It’s been a long time since I’ve discovered any new bands.

How many windows/tabs are open on your computer right now? Two windows, 7 tabs.

Would you rather date someone really skinny or really overweight? I want to date someone based on other things.

Let me in on a little secret of yours. Nah.

What is one habit you had as a child? Nail biting/picking.

^Do you still have that habit today? Sigh, yes.

Is there someone you wish you were closer with? Yes.

^What's stopping you from being closer with them? I’ve been so distant and withdrawn from everyone.

Besides air, what was the last thing you inhaled? The scent of my ramen earlier.

Which point in life do you think is hardest? (i.e. childhood, adulthood...) For me it’s been the past few years.

How was life going for you, say, six months ago? Not well.

^Is that the same as today, or have things changed? Things have changed, but not in a good way.

Who was the last person to make you frown? It’s been things I’m struggling with doing that, not a person.

^Was anyone able to turn that frown upside-down? No.

What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? I have no idea.

What is one thing you wish you had the courage to do? Get certain things checked out and taken care of that I’ve put off for too long.

Which is bigger: Your iTunes library or your CD collection? My iTunes collection was definitely better. I haven’t used iTunes since like 2012, though, and I don’t have any CDs anymore.

What is your one true weakness? I’m just weak.

When is the last time you had hot chocolate? It’s been a couple years.

Composition notebooks or spiral notebooks? Why? Spiral. I just like them better.

What is the most bizarre compliment you've ever received? That I looked pretty for someone with polio. I don’t have polio, but they assumed I did just because I’m in a wheelchair. Also, what does that even mean? “For someone with polio.” Wtf?

Do you identify more with guys or girls? I think I relate more to girls.

When someone you know is sad, how do you go about cheering them up? I kinda suck at that and don’t know what to do or say.

Has someone ever accused you of not being creative enough? I say that about myself. I lack creativity or any artistic ability.

Starbucks coffee or Dunkin Donuts coffee? I’ve only had Dunkin’s coffee a few times, but I’ve had Starbucks countless times and I do like it, so I’ll go with that. I do wish I had a Dunkin where I live cause apart from the donuts, I’ve heard they do have good brewed coffee.

Do you crack under peer pressure? Yepppp. And it doesn’t take much.

What do you think deserves more attention than it already gets? Hmm.

What song never fails to get stuck in your head? Songs I hear in commercials.

Who is your favorite vocalist? Why? Chester Bennington is one. His voice was incredible.

What is your most overused emoticon? This one: 😬 Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) Nah.

When was the last time you had a bagel? Hm. It’s been awhile, actually. I don’t even remember. Can you lick your own elbow? No.

What time during the day/night is your mind most active? At night when I’m up alone.

What color ink does your favorite pen have? I have a nice set of colorful pens that I really like.

What was the last thing you licked? My lips.

Who was the last person in your bed besides yourself? Just me. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No.

What flavor mouthwash do you use? I don’t. Mouthwash irritates my mouth.

What tends to distract you most? I just find myself zoning out a lot. Like, someone will be talking to me and I feel myself getting overwhelmed quite easily and drift out and it doesn’t mean they’re boring or talking about heavy things (sometimes they are). I get like sensory overload. Or I’ll just be sitting in bed and zone out.

Is the perfect man or woman a myth? Yes. No one is perfect.

How do you feel about Bob Marley? I like a couple songs.

What's your favorite fairy tale? I liked reading or listening to all of them when I was growing up. <<<

Do you know who Tom Jones is? Yes.

Tell me one fact you know about horses (without using Google). They have manes.

When was the last time you had to walk up or down stairs? Well, never since I’m in a wheelchair.

Tell me one unique quality about your own handwriting. My handwriting is shit.

What daily chore do you secretly enjoy? I don’t enjoy any type of cleaning.

Has a child ever asked you a question you found difficult to answer? Definitely. Kids ask a lot of questions about everything and anything.

Name five books you've read in the past year. I’ve read a ton more than that, but I’ll give you the latest 5: Cold Highway, Cold Threat, Cold Hunt, Cold Truth, and To Die For. You can probably tell the first 4 are by the same author, Mary Stone. The last one is by Willow Rose.

^Are any of those books your favorite? I’ve enjoyed ‘em all. I’ve read a lot of books from both authors.

Are you a person that enjoys re-reading books? I don’t re-read books, actually.

Which hobby is the lamest: stamp collecting or spoon collecting? I wouldn’t call either of them lame just cause it might not be something I’m personally interested in. Those bring some people joy.

What do you daydream about most often? My mind wanders off to random stuff, stuff I’m dealing with, stuff I’m anxious and stressed out about, etc.

Why is your favorite band your favorite band? I’ve listened to them since middle school, so we have a lot of history. I really just connect and relate to their lyrics and I love their music.

Do you have a favorite talk show host? Nah.

What do you wish you could afford at the moment? A beach home with my own private beach area.

What is the most unusual color you've ever painted your nails? I can’t think of any “unusual” colors that I’ve painted them.

Which sounds the most refreshing: a hot shower or a cold one? I always take hot showers.

Have you ever made your own soap? No.

What's your favorite popsicle flavor? Not a popsicle fan.

Can you sleep with socks on? Yeah, I always have socks on.

When was the last time you were pissed beyond belief and why? I’ve been frustrated and pissed with some things I’ve been dealing with lately.

Name a band with the word 'red' in their title. Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Do you have a favorite candle brand? I’m not a candle person. I just go for the room sprays.

How many years until you turn 38? 6. D:

What is your opinion on taxidermy? I find it super creepy and weird.

Would you ever want to own a body part in a jar? Uh, no.

What is the worst thing you have ever done to your own hair? Let it get really knotted up. :/

What do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? Nothing.

What qualities of yours do you think could potentially harm a relationship? I’m a total mess, I wouldn’t make a good girlfriend.

How often do you indulge in a favorite food from your childhood? I eat ramen regularly.

Have any of your childhood habits carried over into adolescence/adulthood? My damn nail picking habit.

What is the nicest thing you've done for someone else in the past 24 hours? Nothing.

What sort of conditions do you require in order for you to fall asleep? It needs to be cool and I have to have the TV on.

What is the first band that comes to mind when I say 'dark'? Uhhh.

Do you have a favorite punk band? Green Day.

As far as relationships go, what are your biggest deal-breakers? Abuse and cheating. <<<

Be honest: do looks really matter to you? They’re like a bonus to me. <<<

Congratulations! Someone sent you flowers! What kind do you hope they are? I’m not picky, just a pretty assortment perhaps would be nice.

What type of underwear do you personally prefer to wear? Hipsters.

What is the grossest chore you've ever been assigned? Nothing gross.

What band (BESIDES IRON MAIDEN) comes to mind when I say 'iron'? I got nothin.

Have you ever done something simply because you were of age? I had to go out and buy alcohol the day I turned 21.

Do you think it's worth it to tell someone you had feelings for them when you don't have them anymore? Wait, tell them I used to have feelings for them but don’t anymore? If I don’t anymore then why tell them about when I used to? Unless of course we were in a relationship and I no longer felt that way.

What color shirts do you tend to buy most often? Black.

Have you ever done something you once thought you'd be too chicken to do? Yeah.

Where would you rather go: Portland, Oregon or Portland, Maine? Portland, Oregon.

Name a band that begins with the letter Y. Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Tell me about someone who has made a huge impact in your life. My mom most definitely has.

What can I usually find you doing at 4pm on a weekday? At that time any day I’m likely still sleeping.

What's a food you love but don't get to eat very often? I only eat the same few foods, so I eat them quite often. Like, I eat Wingstop 3-4 times a week...

Do you dot your lowercase i's? Yes.

What's the first song on your iPod/mp3 player that comes up under P? I use Spotify on my phone for music, but anyway nah I don’t feel like doing that.

Do the words 'Amon' and 'Amarth' mean anything to you? No.

What's your favorite mythical being? I don’t really have a favorite.

Don't you hate surveys that end abruptly? As long as the question itself isn’t cut off, which I’ve seen, or it’s a numbered one and a question is completely missing then I don’t care.

Let's end this survey with a smile; tell me something funny. I’m not in a good mood to think of something funny right now.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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i-will-physically-fight-you · 4 years

Text

Drive Fanfic

Title: Drive

Summary: Lately, all Virgil has fantasized about is driving away to a place where the Year 2020 doesn’t exist. It’s illogical and ludicrous, because it’s not possible to physically escape it all. But try telling that to Virgil, who’s done nothing but try and run away from his fears since childhood.

Pairings: platonic moxiety

Word-Count: 1.3k

Warnings: Anxiety, Self-destructive habits, Dissociation Sleep-deprived, Sickness, Vague References to Covid-19, Crying, Some Comfort Mostly Angst, Ambiguous Ending

This is...kinda a vent fic? I’ve been wanting to write another fic involving present day events for awhile but this is not the fic I had in mind.

The moon greets Virgil with a crescent grin as he pulls out of his work’s parking lot late at night. It’s a comforting glow, soft and warm in ways that the artificial street lights could never achieve. He smiles back at the moon, taking his eyes off the road. Something he knows to be dangerous and his anxiety doesn’t waste time jumping at once to remind him.

He pushes these worries aside, tapping a rhythmic beat against his steering wheel. Normally, he’d be more diligent. But he’s exhausted and he’s driven the route between his work and home so many countless times that he could do it in his sleep.

Still, he has to watch himself when he almost makes a wrong turn. He’s lived at his new apartment for four months and yet it’s easy in this state to meander back to his old dwelling like a horse whose rider has fallen asleep in the saddle.

He thinks about turning on music to keep his mind awake, fingers twitching as he does so, but he does not do so. Instead, he gets on the highway, watching as the world flies past his car. So fast, almost too fast. He’s going at least five, ten miles past the speed limit. A younger version of himself would be freaked by that.

Once upon a time, he hated driving. No, he feared it. The idea of being in control of a machine that could, at any moment, kill himself or others used to petrify him. Now? The action of driving is almost as mundane and monotonous as brushing his teeth.

Physically, he is the one at the wheel, controlling the vehicle. But mentally, he is separated from the action. His thoughts of nothing and everything all at once. Just like the whole year has felt like. A year that has flown by faster than he can process, but has also plodded along sluggishly.

Lately, all he’s fantasized about is driving away to a place where the Year 2020 doesn’t exist. It’s illogical and ludicrous, because it’s not possible to physically escape it all. But try telling that to Virgil, who’s done nothing but try and run away from his fears since childhood.

He’s just tired. Exhausted of the world falling apart at the seams when it’s supposed to only be himself doing that. He can’t handle the numbers skyrocketing, the constant flow of new safety measures at work he knows are good yet so tiring to readjust to again and again. The angry dissents, the injustice and apathy of it all.

Exhaling, he flicks on the turn-signal and the car drifts towards the exit lane. Too far right, almost veering into the shoulder of the road and down into the gully beside it.

“Shit!” Virgil hisses, the loud vibration of hitting the line marking shoulder keeping him from becoming another highway death statistic. He pulls away from the line, his heartbeat accelerating. He continues off the highway without further incident.

Still, it’s enough to ignite his old fear of driving, enough to force his consciousness back into his body and focus on the road. The rest of his drive home is painfully boring compared to those exciting few seconds. When he does eventually reach his apartment building, he feels himself aching with relief.

Both his body and mind is craving for sleep, to escape from the conscious world for a few glorious hours. He both loves and loathes sleep for this very reason; loves it because it is a reprieve from reality and loathes it because it is but a temporary one.

After checking, and double-checking his car is locked, Virgil stumbles to his apartment like a zombie from a low-grade horror film. He fumbles with entering his key inside the keyhole a few times. Eventually he manages to get it in.

Prior to passing through the threshold of his front door, he had a task-list floating around in his head. A task-list he likes to call, “Virgil’s Agenda To Get The Fuck to Sleep As Soon As Possible”

It includes the following things:

Nab a quick late-night snack because he’s starving and experts be damned

Go to the bathroom, contemplate brushing his brush for five minutes before deciding the one-minute activity is too much energy

Collapse into bed without changing out of his work uniform

Spend an hour scrolling on his phone until he’s too incoherent for anxious thoughts to keep him awake all night

Sleep until his alarm wakes him up for work in the afternoon.

All of this is thrown out the figurative window when he spies his roommate and best friend Patton curled up on the living room couch. He’s still awake, half-disinterestedly watching an episode of The Office. Normally, this isn’t anything out of the ordinary. For as he chastises Virgil for dismal sleeping habits, the man is a hypocrite. Virgil has caught him on numerous occasions on a Netflix binge way past the witching hour.

Something about this time feels off. Virgil can’t decide if it’s his own anxiety or the existence of the virus-that-shall-not-be-named that causes him to feel this way. Maybe both, even. There’s just something about how Patton turns to look at him with a hint of dazed terror in his eyes.

“Hi, Pat.” Virgil says, taking his mask off. Honestly he’s gotten so used to wearing it that he sometimes forgets when it’s on his face.

“You, um, might want to keep that on.” Patton bits his lips.

“Oh?”

“I woke up from my nap today with chills.”

Virgil tries keeping his face neutral, “Any other symptoms?”

“M-my body aches all over, and--and I have a really bad headache--” This is where Patton dissolves into tears and Virgil’s heart breaks right then and there.

He takes a step closer and this freaks Patton out further. “Stay away! I don’t want you to g--get sick!”

Virgil complies, taking a few steps back even. He shakes his head though, biting back a harsh laugh. “I know you’re just trying to protect me, but let’s face it; you and I both know I probably gave it to you. You work from home--I don’t. And even if you didn’t get it from me, we both live together. There’s no way I haven’t already been exposed.”

“I-I know, but just to be s-s-safe--”

“Of course,” Virgil says gently, because while he sees taking precautions a moot point he still respects his friend’s wishes. “Listen, we’ll go to a testing site in the morning, okay? I’ll probably get quarantined from work so, um, at least now I’ll finally have time to rewatch Avatar with you?”

Patton nods but he’s still upset. All sniffles and hiccups with a broken sob here and there.

“Hey, hey, it’ll be okay, alright? Even if you test positive, things will be okay.” Virgil says, desperate to assuage Patton’s fears in some way, never mind his own, “let’s just watch The Office for now and worry about things tomorrow, alright?”

“O-okay,” Patton agrees, wiping tears and snot away with a corner of his blanket.

They watch the show mostly in silence, aside from a few forced laughs here and there. Even the antics of one Michael Scott isn’t enough to break the somber mood. Virgil’s heart beats sluggishly, as if he’s been put to cryosleep. He should be more devastated, his anxiety going to overdrive with presenting him all the worst case scenarios. Instead he feels nothing.

Maybe he’s in denial. Or maybe he has always known this was gonna happen eventually. Either to himself, Patton or both.

“Hey Patton?” He says, “when all of this over, let’s go on a road trip. You can pick the destination. I don’t care where it is other than it has to take a fuckton of hours to drive to.”

Patton is silent for a moment. He doesn’t teasingly ask Virigl to put a quarter in the swear jar. He breathes slowly, peeking above his blanket, “What about Yellowstone State Park? We could go there to see Old Faithful and the buffalo.”

“Yeah, okay we can go there,” Virgil nods, “let's invite Logan, I bet he’d like that.”

“Can we also--” Patton coughs, covering his mouth with his blanket, “can we also invite Roman?”

Virgil rolls his eyes good-naturedly, “Sure, we can invite Prince Insufferable if you insist. The more the merrier.”

So lost do they get in a hypothetical road trip, that the show and the world itself fades from the two’s thoughts for the rest of the night.

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #patton sanders #kat writes

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smolbeandrabbles · 4 years

Text

One Thing Right - Andrew ‘Pope’ Cody x Reader (Animal Kingdom)

Author’s Note: So, whilst this is a stand alone - it can also be a little re-imagining of ‘Last Habit’ (Specifically how long it takes her to forgive him) - and was actually part of Last Habit, before that story took me another direction and left me with this-!

Heavily based on the restaurant scene from both the movie and episode 1 of the show (If you’re here for the Show!)

One Thing Right - Marshmello & Kane Brown

Disclaimer: Animal Kingdom characters/plot not mine / lyrics & gifs not mine / leap from “Last Habit” idea based on discussion with Ms. @mandy23b

Premise: Still frustrated with Andrew from a continuing argument, you’re determined to hold it together for a dinner event. In reality though, can you help doing anything other than forgiving him? Even if he doesn’t apologise?

Words: 6469

Warnings: Swearing / References to drug taking

_______

I've cheated and I’ve lied I've broke down and I've cried I’ve got nothing to hide no more I've loved and I've hurt Broken people down with words More grace than I deserve, for sure Known to be crazy, known to be wild Mama had herself a little devilish child Ain't no stranger to the troubles at my door You saw right through my pain Kept us patient while I changed Never even crossed your mind to walk away When I was gettin' crazy, reckless, and wild Actin' like my mama's little devilish child It took a heart like yours to find its place I’ve been at the wrong place at the wrong time Chasin' all the wrong things most of my life Been every kinda lost that you can't find But I got one thing right Been the kinda guy girls' mamas don't like Runnin' with the wrong crowd on the wrong nights 'Cause I've been wrong about a million times But I got one thing right... you Yeah, I got you ---

It all started with a nervous, little, nonchalant proposal. The same way that Andrew always asked you to do anything with him. Like a ‘no’ was no big deal… As if you would ever say no in the first place, but the alternative never really seemed to cross his mind. “So, uh, the guys are doing some… wives and girlfriends thing next week… I dunno…” He tapped the sideboard and wouldn’t meet your eyes, “If you wanna come, then…” You raised an eyebrow; “Who are the ‘wives and girlfriends’? Surely that’s just me and Cath…? Cuz Kelly is no longer around…?” “Nicky…” “Who!?” Was Craig onto someone else already? Perhaps Darren, he was a sweetheart. Who else? “Jay’s girlfriend.” Ahhhhhh!!!! Jay. Yes, you misremembered for a moment that Andrew’s nephew was living with them now. In fact you hadn’t been over since then, so you hadn’t met him either. “Oh! Yeah, of course… Well, do you want me there?” He still wasn’t quite meeting your eyes but he nodded, “Yeah, I think so.” You smiled sweetly with a nod of your own; “Then, honey, of course I’ll come!” ***

Andrew drummed his fingers on the back of the empty chair next to him; and Baz knew it wouldn't end there. "She'll be here, mate. She wouldn't miss this." Andrew only stared at him across the table with a look that clearly asked him to shut up. This kind of thing was awkward enough for him, without worrying about where you were. He had been having second thoughts about going - only you wanted to be there, so he would put up with mundane social interactions for you. Also, if you were there and his social battery ran out - which it so often did - you usually came up with brilliant excuses to leave, or let him just find protection and comfort in your presence. Andrew, you've done enough... It's okay... You were always fine alone; more than confident with answering all the questions for him when it was clear he was no longer going to actively participate.

Only you hadn't shown up yet, and he had to shuffle awkwardly in his seat, almost wanting to blurt out that you were an actual real person, you were just late. But why? You hadn't given him a reason. Andrew was getting more anxious by the minute, and his best friend had to watch this unfold growing exceedingly uneasy himself. What would Andrew do if that battery ran out and you weren't here yet? What would he do if you were a no show…?

DAMN. Today, of all days, was clearly not meant to be yours. Not only had you been called into work to fix something on a weekend, but now traffic back into the city was beyond a joke and your cell phone provider decided that this particular route had next to no signal on it.

So, by the time you got to the restaurant you were flustered and frustrated, and thought you couldn't possibly have made a worse first impression. It wasn’t just the first impression either, it was what you knew would be going on in Andrew’s head that worried you more. You’d been fighting- Well, okay fighting was pushing it because you and Andrew didn’t really fight, mostly because you couldn’t help but be a little worried about exactly what may happen if you really did get to fighting with him. But his brothers had a nasty habit of doing drugs – and Andrew wasn’t ever want to miss a little bit of participation, despite the fact that you’d told him time and again that you weren’t happy when he did so. When he’d invited you to this event last week you had been excited about it. You hadn’t exactly ever hung around his family in a group like that before, and the more you thought the happier you got. Andrew never invited you to things like this because they weren’t even his scene (you supposed you might have to thank Baz for that later), so to be included at all very suddenly added a new dimension to your relationship. So, now you were super excited to meet Jay and Nicky – and finally have another Cody Girl™ to hang out with. That was until yesterday morning when you’d caught him in your apartment with drugs and subsequently thrown him out, telling him you didn’t know if you were coming today. And if you were honest with yourself you were still mad at him. But you also knew Andrew, he’d probably quietly indicated you were coming ‘no big deal’ and he certainly wouldn’t have told anyone that you’d thrown him out, suggesting you weren’t going to make it – mostly because that would have been too big of a confession. You could imagine the questions, the ammunition it would give his brothers. Selfishly you supposed your reputation was on the line here, and you didn’t want to let him down. Even if he’d let you down, Andrew just meant too much to you. Honestly, you just really really wanted to meet the kids. Besides you could sit here in traffic and reason with yourself – it was dinner, which meant a maximum of 3 hours interaction - if you were still pissed about the drugs (you would be.) then you didn’t have to go anywhere with him afterwards. Seeing everyone else was a little more important than not going just to spite him. You took a deep breath, checking your phone again – still nothing. Well, if you were late then you were shaving yet more time off having to interact, if you were prepared to see it that way.

Baz, facing the door, spotted you first and was off like a rocket. Thank GOD for that! You were holding your mobile in one hand, bag slung over your shoulder, oversized white shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way to reveal a black vest top, tucked into a work mini-skirt. But you’d slipped from your heels into your pumps to drive, and your shades were in your hair. All in all, your face said you’d had better days, but really Baz was just glad you were here. He enveloped you in a warm hug, which you were only too happy to return. "Oh, Baz! I'm so, so, SO sorry!" "What the hell happened!?" "Work-! IT. When isn't it IT?" You huffed and folded your arms, "I feel like us casing the place that one time ought to have told ya it was time to leave." You scoffed, laughing, "It's a good place to work, I just can't believe today of all days it was such a MESS - and traffic!? I haven't see it that bad when it's rush hour! I mean what the hell!!" “Aw, honey, I’m just glad you’re here – we were worried.” – about Andrew, who was worried about you. You bit your lip, looking everywhere but Baz’s face and the table, “How is he?” “He’s… Andrew. Why?” “He didn’t tell you did he?” “No.” Baz would never go for the ‘tell me what?’ if it was something so obvious as the way you looked back to him. You took a deep breath, throwing your phone into your bag, “Okay.” And then more to yourself than to Baz, “It’s gonna be fine.” “Woah, you… you wanna talk about it-!?” He stepped backward with your step forward and held his hand out, concerned. You shook your head, “Not right now, thanks Baz.” And you really did appreciate his concern, “I just wanna meet everyone!”

Andrew looked just as relieved as Baz did, swivelled in his seat now to watch you both walk through the restaurant, by this time Baz was already trying to lighten your mood and he’d made you laugh more than once; you were smiling – he was good at that. Andrew vacated his seat to take the last few paces to hug you himself; that movement was important – he knew exactly what he’d done, and you weren’t sure if you were supposed to accept his PDA as an apology. But something about him holding you in his arms softened you for a moment; "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry!" You mumbled into his shirt, "I really... I really AM sorry! It's been the morning from hell..." He shook his head, almost not caring; loving the feel of you holding him this close, your nails digging into his shirt. You gave him just the energy shot he needed. "It's okay..." He mumbled, though you felt that was probably far from the truth, "I'm just glad you made it safe..."

He let you slip from his arms, PDA wasn't his thing, so you knew this was because he needed it desperately only. Or you were right and it really was in apology. You kissed his cheek gently, feeling that would be the most comfortable, and rounded the table quickly to hug Darren. He was the baby, and looked and acted like it. He was like the good natured one who had yet to be fully dragged into this mess. You might have been a complete outsider, but Andrew told you as much as you were prepared to hear... Or that he knew you had to know. Usually that came with his more protective nature. That put you in solidarity with the youngest Cody sibling, and you felt you probably liked him the most – Darren liked you too; though you knew he was a little wary of your relationship. "What they got ya in for on a Saturday!?" He was referring to your attire, and you noticed Craig linger a little too long on the fact your white blouse had buttons undone to just the wrong side of inappropriate. "Oh. You know the company has to be running smoothly Monday morning and that’s that..." You sighed, “I’m so sorry.” He laughed, “Aw, you don’t need to apologise to me.” “No, only the whole damn table…” But Darren patted your back gently, “Well! Get on with it, we’re starving-!” You skirted the table while saying ‘Hi’ to Craig, Smurf and having an animated five minute conversation with Cath that had Baz rolling his eyes and sighing; "GIRLS! She's late enough!" Cath pushed him with a laugh, as you bashfully kept running around the table to where Andrew was still standing up, leaning on the back of his chair. At least there was something resembling a smile on his face as he watched you interact with his family. "Sorry, honey..." You almost smacked yourself, but realised there wasn’t really any stopping you, your heart was starting to overrule your head. You’d have to try to keep yourself in check – then again… He squinted slightly at the cute nickname, but pulled your chair out for you, to which you thanked him again as he pushed you in and reseated himself. "Can we EAT now!?!" Craig huffed, clearly on the less kind side of annoyed; "I was ready to order, like, 50 minutes ago!" You flushed and covered your face with your hands, "OH GOD!! I'M SO SORRY!" "He's just being a prick... Y/N... You're fine..." Baz's voice at least held a laugh, but you weren't sure it helped your feeling. Like he hadn’t already commented on it-! Andrew placed his arm around the back of your chair and shook his head at his sibling. Say something like that again and just wait until we get home. You liked that movement, it made you feel safe and comfortable. It was an assurance you sometimes needed in situations like this. Yet you knew you should still be mad at him; you were about to spend this meal incredibly torn…

"So!" You referred to the two teenagers sitting at the far end of the table. "You must be Jay and Nicky? I confess, what I know is little, although I have heard a bit. It's nice to meet you! I'm Y/N!" "Guess they might know a little about you, too..." Baz gave you an amused look that told you they'd be lucky if they'd even heard your name before you said it. Andrew shuffled in his seat in response to this, he needn’t have reacted at all - you had that kind of hunch yourself. The teens bashfully introduced themselves in answer to you as everyone ordered – in the back of your mind you were already thinking they were way too sweet to be involved here, and that adoption should be the way to go. You supposed that attitude shouldn’t surprise you, given the state of your family – your parents would have signed on the dotted line about 5 minutes ago. Still, you supposed you, in the remnants of a business suit, looked like the odd one out around the table – but that’s exactly what you were, and you were strangely comfortable with that. They were very sweet and shy, meaning you tried to make every question you asked kind and open – they didn’t have to answer if they didn’t want to. All you really wanted them to know was that you were decent; they were safe and you’d protect them at all costs. Besides, you reckoned Jay should know by now you were dating the most volatile man at the table. You’d like to say you knew that Andrew wouldn’t lay a hand on them – yet you also knew that he was capable of anything. You’d also like to say you were capable of stopping him, truth was, you were scared of what might happen if you got between Andrew Cody and something he deemed necessary to do. As you kept talking throughout dinner, and you tried to keep questions off yourself, you were aware of how close you were getting to Andrew. That was all subconscious because he’d barely moved an inch, but it was an act you loved doing. There was something very powerful about Andrew’s aura and you liked orbiting it; right now he was calmer – sure, his eyes still shifted around the room and to everyone in the table, yet everything about him was saying he was protecting you. Because even you were just waiting for Craig to come at you; he wasn’t exactly a fan of the fact that you didn’t come from the same place as them, that you came from a different class and social background. No prizes for guessing where he might have got that from. You got the feeling Smurf thought that you felt you were too good for them – not necessarily…. You’d seen the way she treated Andrew; the lost cause. The idea of wanting to get him out of this was something you thought about often. Though you also thought it was pointless when he was in your house doing drugs – but you would digress. In fact, you loved most people around the table. Really you felt a lot of them were better than the positions they found themselves in – if she really wanted your honest opinion. But you could only date one of them. And he was work, you’d give him that.

"What do you do, Y/N?" Eventually questioning did get back around to you, and you were trying to figure out how to answer before you were cut off. "Here we go..." Craig scoffed "What, jealous!? You can go it for me if you want!" Your eyes narrowed, arms folded He at least laughed; "No, No, I think I'm good - thanks!" You shook your head at him and turned back to Nicky's question, "I do IT." "Do IT?!" Baz repeated in a mocking voice "What? I do." He leant forward, "Nicky, she's just being polite and modest." "HA-!" Andrew shifted impatiently, which made Craig shut up again before he even started. Baz was allowed to finish his sentence; "She's a CIO." You leant on your hand with a small smile, "And CISO. If we're getting technical." "And that-!" Baz pointed to you, "Whatever the hell that is-!" Chief Information Security Officer, if he really wanted the answer. "That's why I said IT!" you laughed, “I head IT for a very small company, Nicky, it’s nothing.” “Enough to drive a Lamborghini.” This was exactly where things got complicated; where the divide showed, even though it didn’t matter to you. You were always uncomfortably aware of what it looked like to everyone else. “Will you guys stop!” You pushed Baz’s arm, but he was smirking and that only sent them all off laughing again. Causing you to hide in your hands for a second, shying towards Andrew – who despite still daring Craig to say another word with a frosty glare, had a hint of pride about him and the way he sat. Somewhere in the back of your mind you could almost hear the ‘That’s My Girl!’ that every other man around this table would likely say; his eyes flicked to yours, lips pressing themselves into a line that very nearly threatened smile. You were glad Andrew never got that far; not that it would have mattered anyway – because of course, you smiled back. Before you remembered why you were mad and your smiled faded for a moment. You lowered your eyes from Andrew’s face tracing them down his neck to his black buttoned polo shirt, then looked away from him entirely – realising you were just making yourself sad thinking about it. Still, he didn’t let you go; the slope of his body and the tip of his head as he watched the way your eyes traced him, he leant into you to keep you close – but he didn’t reach out. You didn’t expect that from him either. Andrew knew you were still mad at him; he could think about removing his arm from the back of your chair opting simply to pull you closer, but he wasn’t made that way. Andrew wouldn’t – at least not publicly and certainly not here. Right now, he wasn’t even sure you wanted that – or if you’d simply push him away. Nevertheless, he noticed how torn you were and hated that it was him that had caused it. What a mess for a quick fix. Wasted and pointless. He ran his hand over his cheeks – suddenly imagining the feeling of your nails embedded in them as you lowered your voice to a sexy level of threatening. Andrew shifted in his seat again, this time away from you, and kept his hand there for a moment – you couldn’t help but notice the way his breathing change abnormally. You also realised all that had triggered in you was a smirk, absentminded enough for you to be shocked at yourself – yet you knew exactly why, and hell if you wouldn’t call it useful information…

Dinner continued until you were stuffed and couldn’t eat anymore, pushing your knife and fork neatly together you sat back, nestling gently into his arm that was back around your chair. Finally comfortable enough to seek the warmth of his body. By now he was staring at you, and he had been for quite a while, because that’s what Andrew did. You’d long since given up trying to guess, or even ask him, why he would choose to stare at you in the particular way he did. It was never any less intense than the way he would look at everyone else… yet it was so different – and this stare was strangely hopeful. You supposed he was considering whether or not you’d forgive him – then again, so were you. Turning your eyes on him you couldn’t help but gaze back; lost in another beautifully silent conversation. I’m here for you. But don’t you dare think I forgive you for what you’ve done just yet. You knew he needed you here, and he must have known you knew that right now. You brushed your forehead gently to his, resting your hand reassuringly on his knee. It might take you a while to excuse him, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t love him. Everyone still pushed for dessert; at which point you swapped seats with Craig, bowing out – not without brushing your lips to Andrew’s cheek first, which very nearly startled him - to learn a little more about Jay and Nicky. Cath joined you a little later and with Jay joining in with his uncles, Smurf joined you in a girl’s conversation. It was nice to learn some more about her, and talk just a little about yourself without the whole table either wanting you to flaunt it, or scoffing at you for being a show off. You liked that you had the opportunity to chat with her in the quiet, which became quieter as Smurf and then Cath left you to it whilst they went back to the boys – clamouring for attention once more. Andrew was back to watching you, into his usual habit of making sure you were safe at all times and you were quite enjoying catching his eye every now and then. It’d make you smile and look away; a simpler form of flirting, but one you felt you probably both enjoyed. When he and Baz got up to pay the bill, Andrew walked behind you, brushing his hand over your shoulders. Fingertips pressing into your skin in a way that had you fixating on his touch and looking up at him as he walked away. You’d quite forgotten what you were saying and instead Nicky was left witness to that way you stared at each other, before he turned and they strolled to the counter – although you didn’t look away. Blinking a few times you cleared your throat; “Hey guys-!” They swivelled back, “Yeah?” You pulled your card from your purse and held it out, “I was late, it’s the least I can do.” Andrew waved away the suggestion, “No, Y/N, it’s okay…” “We got this – you can owe us later.” Baz added with a wink, and you figured he might spend the next five minutes trying to persuade Andrew onto a double date; which he would love of course.

Instead you watched them talk seriously at the counter for a minute as they split the bill; with the glances they both kept throwing to you, and the way Baz very nearly clipped him (about the only person who’d get away with it), you assumed that it was really an integration about the previous morning, causing you to look away quickly for fear of being dragged into it. Nicky giggled gently, and you realised she had continued watching you, “You really love him, don’t you?” You continued focusing on the table, although even her words had you smiling, and you very nearly laughed. “Yeah.” “How long have you been together?” That made your eyes raise to her - suddenly you realised you didn’t even know the answer. It wasn’t like Andrew was ever going to keep track of your anniversary – and to be honest being held up in a parking lot was not exactly something you wanted to remember the date of. “…Oh, uh…” You also couldn’t believe someone would want to ask you outside of your family; a lot of your friends thought Andrew was strange at best and would probably rather forget you were with him. You were grateful your parents foster kids more than made up for that. “…Just over a year?” you squinted, no, it felt longer than that - “Maybe closer to two?” then you smiled, genuinely, “Thank you for asking.” “I thought that was normal?” She tilted her head, making you laugh, “I don’t know if you’ve met him before today, but,” You looked around her to watch them still in heated discussion, “Andrew’s not exactly…” you paused, “He’s a little different. I think that’s probably why I like him so much. Then again, it’s not exactly something that gels with a lot of people,” you bit your lips together, “it’s a real shame - you know, if he was given the chance…” you trailed, “Sorry! That’s a lot for… the first time I’ve ever met you.” You place your head in your hands again, “Late and rambling, man, I must have made one hell of a first impression!” But she was smiling, and reached out to touch your hand, “I think it’s sweet – that you care about him like that, and I see the way you look at each other, he cares a lot about you too I can tell. He doesn’t take his eyes off you.” You weren’t sure if you should set her straight or agree with her; “That’s also a very Andrew trait, something to get used to for sure. I guess it’s okay if it doesn’t bother you…” “Does it?” God bless her innocent curiosity. “No. Except, nothing about Andrew bothers me.” “Should it?” Your eyes flicked back to him and then to her, and you said it as honestly as you could without really telling the truth; “He’s just… a lot to unpack.” ***

He stopped by your chair as they walked back, and everyone else started to rise, so you supposed dinner was over. As he’d helped you in, Andrew also helped you out. “You okay?” “Yes…” You gave him a gentle nod, “Thank you…” and you realised all at once that you really hadn’t had a verbal conversation yet. You wondered how you could just get back in your car and drive away after that. Andrew had to know you were still reeling a little – but it didn’t sit right with you, to just say goodbye and leave him to his own devices once again. Especially considering that could just drive him back in the direction you were trying to pull him from (or drag him – kicking and screaming if necessary). As you made your way from the restaurant - close but not touching; he wasn’t even trying to take your hand to keep up appearances (and sometimes Andrew did) – it was clear he was thinking along the same lines. Baz was the first one to turn to you, “How about it, Y/N? Drinks? I mean you can just park the car up and take off tomorrow if you’re worried about getting a DUI.” “Oh, no I really… I’ve had a day, you do not want me to take up any offer of drinking.” You waved your hands hoping he might drop it. “Aw come on – what!? You know how bad we get-!” No such luck. You indicated to the teens, “I would rather keep up appearances!” “It's cool, guys, I'll take her home." Andrew cut in before anyone else could protest your objection. You turned to him, wondering if a conversation in the place he’d done the crime was even a good idea. Maybe it was the only good idea. Of course, no one argued with that; "Okay, Andrew, see you later!" Although he waited for you to hug Nicky goodbye. You were good at bonding with people, and there weren't a lot of females in Andrew's life beyond his mother and Cath. So he knew you'd be particularly receptive to this teenage girl who had no idea quite what she was getting into. And that you'd likely want to protect her from that. Afterall, he’d watched you talk to her for at least the last hour, with that same sweet, caring smile on your face that you often gave him. Not that he thought he deserved it ever, perhaps even less than usual right now. And here you were again, being as naturally kind as you always were. "...It'd be cool to hang out too! I mean I dunno, maybe you're a little too cool for me!" You gave a gentle laugh that made her smile; "No, I'd like that!" "Awesome, well, you have my number now. Do not hesitate to call me. Especially if you happen to have to hang out with these boys again... In fact, Cath, you and I should have a girl’s night - Good Lord." "Don't tempt me!" Cath yelled from behind you, which made the three of you burst out laughing and all the boys look on a little confused. You hugged her tight and protective; she was so cute and utterly sweet. As the only other real outsider (and completely in the dark) you wanted to keep her on that side of things for as long as possible. It was your choice not to know anything, you didn't want her to have to know there even was a choice.

You waved them all off and walked with Andrew back towards the car park; he fell into the rhythm of your walk, studying every single other person on both sides of the road. He didn't hold your hand, but your skin was millimetres apart, his shoulder brushed against yours every few steps - as if to make sure you were still there; as if you'd be anywhere else. You were used to this by now, and if you were honest you loved it. There was something unvoiced about it all, how you were both aware the other was there and close, but there was no needed physical contact. Andrew was the most comfortable you'd ever been with a man in your entire life. And you weren't sure if that was ironic or not. "Are you driving?" "I don't have my car." You held out your keys, "Are you driving?" He took them gently, suddenly falling out of step with you, and then behind as he stopped. You paused a little further down the sidewalk and turned with a raised eyebrow; "What-?" He held the keys up, "You drove your Lamborghini to work!? AGAIN!?" This only went back to every other time he’d told you to be careful driving it around, should some opportunists try to car jack you… again. You folded your arms, somewhat impatient with his lack of answer; "Oh, I didn't realise I had to stop on the weekend too - now are you driving or what-!?" You knew he could stop the excited smile from crossing his face, but it escaped into his voice; "Yes!"

** Even though you still hadn’t spoken to him properly, it was all in his body language. For him it was the same, all in your actions. You didn’t have to let him do this – in fact you could just have turned to him and said that he wasn’t coming with you. Yet here he was, driving your gleaming silver Gallardo through Melbourne to your apartment. You noticed Andrew was making the most out of the opportunity by taking you the scenic route. All you could do was watch him. How comfortable he was – just you and him and driving. How careful and in control – a real force to be reckoned with, not that Andrew ever wasn’t that, but the whole aura of it was different. This time he couldn’t keep that small smile off his face – tiny sure, and if you weren’t looking you were bound to miss it, but it was there. You liked that he was comfortable, because you often watched him be so uncomfortable with everything. The social situations he was forced into especially; for that matter, Andrew didn’t often talk in social settings. He could still be the one in the room in control and be uncomfortable, his body language would tell you such. Here and now though, his energy was confident – and though he was alert to the conditions he was surrounded by on the road, Andrew was the most relaxed you’d seen him in a long time. You let yourself actively enjoy it. Because you wanted to revel in him when he was like this. It was a glimpse, a rare thing that you weren’t about to let slip away from you. You knew how much he loved this car, even when he was sitting passenger side, and when he actively showed it that was even better. Andrew was letting himself enjoy the moment as much as you were; just by watching him you’d been persuaded to smile, to coax your hand from your lap to entwine with his fingers. He didn’t look across to you – but his lips twitched and for half a second that smile was visible, before it dropped away again. Still, Andrew Cody didn’t let your hand go. ** You were back to being cold and silent by the time you were in the lift to your apartment; perhaps not by choice, but because you just couldn’t figure out exactly what to say. You weren’t sure how to approach it, and certainly hadn’t had time to think of such things. After all, you did kick him out of your apartment yesterday after screaming then using Andrew’s own ‘quiet & threatening’ tactic against him. You just knew that you couldn’t keep up the silence; part of you worried that if you did Andrew would switch from understanding why (as you were sure he did) to thinking screw this and heading back home – where all that really awaited him was his brothers, alcohol and more drugs. Certainly not what you wanted. He was looking at you again though, and Andrew thought that maybe the air of friendliness you’d been displaying this evening had been for his family only. Just for dinner. He supposed it made sense, but Baz had told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to apologise to you, quickly. Andrew was just trying to figure out how best to do that – of course he’d been thinking about it, but you’d been regarding them both and he didn’t want it to come out like the only reason that he was saying sorry was because Baz had asked him to. No, he wanted it to sound as sincere and genuine as he felt. Usually silence was good for Andrew, he found a comfort there that he could seldom find anywhere else. Even around you. This wasn’t comfortable – not when there was so much unspoken between the two of you. You would often communicate without using words – but that wouldn’t even save you both now. He let you have it, 5 minutes of total silence, how you stood with your hands down on your kitchen counter staring at nothing. You could tell exactly what he was thinking, considering he was pacing up and down the room, and wouldn’t take his eyes off you. Until eventually Andrew sighed, making you raise your eyes to him; “Why… Why even bother turning up? Why would you want to be there today? With me. Why are you even okay with me?” He looked away from you, squinting in thought, “I understand the reasons you hate me right now. Which makes me not understand why you would…” He trailed, finding it hard to describe how he could know you weren’t happy – but you could still look at him like he was your world… Was there even a way to describe that? “Oh. Andrew…” You almost sounded desperate, but exasperated, your face softening and for a moment your heart bled for him – because he always felt like everything had to be understandable and logical; it was just how his brain processed. Just once sometimes you wished he would realise that your feelings for him really weren’t logical at all. You could never really hate him. “Look. I love you. And that’s never going to change, it’s just sometimes you make me SO mad!” You ran your hands through your hair with a small exhale, settling your eyes back on his infinite stare; “Because I see the good in you Andrew. And I want more people to see that. YOU might think he’s gone, and your family clearly do, but not me. I KNOW it’s there. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t see it. But you do things like this, and I just…” You gave a gentle shrug, unable to even explain it for yourself; “If I don’t believe in you, who will? It hurts me when you hurt yourself. And I feel sorry for you and… that is that.” His stare was measured, and his blink slow. You knew he wouldn’t say anything, Andrew just wasn’t built that way. But you wanted him to, right then more than any other moment you wanted words to spill from his lips. Andrew’s blue eyes left yours and he looked to the floor - that was a lot, all at once it was a lot for you to just say to him. It would be a lot to not respond to; then again, he wasn’t sure what he could say. He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings for you, Andrew never had been, but he knew he felt something – things he’d never felt for any other person, not even his own family. They were just so hard to say with conviction that sounded like he really believed them. You stepped from the counter and walked across the room to him, although he took several paces back, shying away from your touch. You wouldn’t take that as an answer, because you needed him right now – he needed you too. You took Andrew’s hand in yours; allowing him to maintain the gap but letting him know you weren’t about to let go. He shook his head slowly, still not meeting your eyes, and his next sentence was murmured – a thought to himself that maybe he hadn’t meant to say aloud; “I don’t deserve you. But you’re the only thing I’ve got right so far…” You tipped your head, unsure where exactly that had come from; “Andrew, I-” “I shouldn’t have done it. I know that.” Sorry. He was saying sorry, in a typically Andrew way of saying it. It’d take time for the actual word to come – or else maybe he’d simply show you. You framed his face with your free hand, tilting his head back up so those haunting eyes could meet yours once more. “…What…?” Andrew’s lips parted, no words came, before he swallowed and placed his hand over yours. For a moment you thought he might pull away once more, but he didn’t. His eyes simply searched yours for any way he might get away with never saying something so honest again. “I know you heard me.” You didn’t quite roll your eyes; instead pulling yourself to him, forehead against his – gently humming your agreement. I Did. You closed your eyes to the silence and lost yourself to the sound of his breathing. You knew exactly who this man was, and everything he was capable of – no matter how much you tried to burry that beneath your love for him, and no matter how hard you tried to save him from it. But, more importantly, Andrew Cody was yours - and you weren’t about to ever let him forget it.

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Thank you for reading-!😍

@happyskywhale @wltz-bby #MendoTagSquad

#Andrew Cody #Animal Kingdom #Ben Mendelsohn #Andrew Pope Cody #Pope Cody #Andrew Cody x Reader #Pope Cody x Reader #Andrew Pope Cody x Reader #Heres another really good song that I like for him!!!#The only two Marshmello songs I know are now Andrews!#Once again I think I've screwed up here...#But oh well. Here we are #I really tried this time but theres one or TWO places where I'm like /Shawn?/ Ben - your Shawn is showing #I've never been more frustrated with an edit #there were so many /and/s and /but/s in this damn thing I just wanted to scream #I hope it reads a lot better now #But it's kinda a far cry from Young God.#I wonder if Amanda is going to read one of my sentences and call it black t-shirt erasure ;)#140 #Elaiyna #OKay so he actually got out Before Ned did - which is totally on me.... Sorry writer Boi... You need better luck!#I thought Andrew was going to have to hold up the drafts at the bottom but he gets away with it-!#Happy Year-Since-That-Fateful-Comment Day!#(Part 3!)

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