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whore-era · 1 year

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never meant to be

☁︎ ellie x fem!reader ☁︎ summary: in which you and ellie go through the heartbreaking realization that love is never fair. ☁︎ warnings/themes: cheating (ellie cheats on current gf with you), dina is your sister, heartbreak/forbidden love, not a happy ending, familial issues | fingering/thighriding (r!recieving), use of strap, fem anatomy ☁︎ a/n: hi. don't hate me lol. sometimes i write stories like this to feel a little something. also it's 2:30 am and i have to be in class by 7:00am so this is not proofread lol. there will be NO part two. ☁︎ word count: 9,800 words aka my longest fic yet

for as long as you could remember, you were always in dina's shadow.

despite you being the youngest daughter, dina was your parent's pride and joy. she was the smartest and prettiest daughter, who never failed to win the family's attention.

dina was the 'perfect' daughter in your parent's eyes. she followed in mom's footsteps and won prom queen 3 years in a row and was crowned 1st place as miss wyoming since she was 14 in the annual pageant every year. last year, she got accepted to yale university with the intention of going to law school and becoming a criminal lawyer just like father.

your parents were set on having two extremely intelligent daughters who attended ivy league colleges and strived for an above-average career like an award-winning surgeon or a ground-breaking research scientist.

but that wasn't you. at all.

from a young age, you were always attracted to art — such as sculptures, paintings, murals, and various types of music. you had a keen eye for things more abstract, which always set you apart from your own family.

sure, math and science were subjects that came easily to you, and you had no difficulty with keeping straight A's at school, but you always knew you wanted to do something different than what was set for you.

despite being the black sheep of the family, you did find yourself envying dina. she had the bigger room, nicer clothes, a car, and always got money whenever she asked mom and dad for it. it was hard not to be jealous.

especially since she started bringing ellie williams around.

dina met ellie during her freshman year at yale, and the two hit it off. they officially became a couple this summer, and with the approval of our parents, ellie followed dina back home and agreed to stay the entire summer with her and the family.

from the first moment you met ellie, you were smitten.

it was the first week of summer, and you were relishing in all the much-needed vacation time, knowing by the time summer was over, you would be on your way to los angeles for college.

you were relaxing in bed with your copy of 'pride & prejudice', reading it for probably the 70th time. from your bedroom, you can hear a car pulling up in the driveway followed by your mother's loud voice yelling "welcome home!!", and then slamming car doors. getting up from your comfortable position, you drew the linen curtains to the side and took a peek out your window, down at the driveway.

from above, you could see mother taking dina in her arms, giving her a hug and placing a kiss on her forehead.

your eyes drift to father, and to the girl he was shaking hands with.

she was unlike anyone you've ever seen. her short brunette hair was cut short, hanging right at her neck in the style of a mullet. her slender arms revealed one tattoo on her right forearm that was visible underneath the folded flannel layered over a plain white t-shirt.

she held this charming aura about her, evident by how your father let out a hearty laugh as he gently nudged her on the shoulder. this woman must've been impressive because it was a rarity to see your father laugh, let alone when first meeting someone.

as dina grabbed the girl's hand to drag her inside the house, her eyes flickered up toward you, lingering on you for a little too long.

"so, ellie, tell us. what are you studying at yale?" your father's deep voice resonated throughout the dinner table.

"ugh, daaaad, please. no more interrogating my girlfriend," dina groaned out, "you're gonna scare her away, and we've only been together a month!"

"i was just asking a question, sweetie. no need to fret," your dad interjected as he took another bite of chicken.

ellie cleared her throat before putting her fork down, "uh, i'm actually in a computer science program— i'm in the works of developing my own software."

father's eyes widened, "wow! how impressive! what kind of software is it?"

"it's actually a type of software used by government agencies to store highly classified government documents, sir," ellie added, "it keeps unverified users locked out of the servers so they don't access the documents unless they recognize the IP address, and the software reports any unknown addresses back towards us to be monitored for criminal activity."

your ears would usually tune out the boring conversations held at the dinner table, but you couldn't help but be completely absorbed in everything ellie was saying and it only left you wanting to know more.

"how exciting! glad dina found someone who's doing something significant with their life," your father complimented, "unlike our youngest."

"such a shame. you graduated top of the class this year, yet you want to attend art school." your father's eyes bore into the side of your face as you pretended not to notice his words, distracting yourself by poking at the cold piece of broccoli on the expensive china plate.

"art school is cool too," ellie complimented, "what are you majoring in?"

you picked your head up, surprised by ellie's sudden interest in your studies. you were used to everyone else asking about dina and talking about dina and would compare you to dina. it was exhausting.

"um— fine arts. i'm also minoring in graphic design," you managed to squeak out, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

"and what are you planning to do with that, young lady?" your dad prodded in his signature stern voice, "you're 18 years old, almost 19, you have to start thinking about your future seriously."

you take the glass of water, and take a sip from it, suppressing that urge to cry from his words, "okay, father."

your mother places a hand on your dad's shoulder, attempting to calm him down, "honey, not at the dinner table."

he doesn't say anything else, and continues eating his dinner, whereas you lost your appetite a long time ago, and are no longer feeling in the mood to be around your family for another second.

the fork falls from your hands, creating a clinging sound against the ceramic dish. "may i be excused?" you tremble, ignoring the burning gaze from the brunette's eyes. you couldn't put into words the humiliation you felt at this moment, and you couldn't bear to look at dina's mocking smirk or at ellie's pitiful stare.

"okay, sweetie. goodnight." your mother murmured. you got up from the chair, and scurried out of the dining room, wanting nothing more but to curl up under your covers and lay in dark silence.

as you ascend up the stairs, you can hear dina continuing the conversation as if nothing ever happened, laughter and jokes ensuing in your absence.

the past two weeks with ellie in the house was an adjustment you had to get used to.

there have been a few occasions where you'd forget to lock the bathroom door, and bam, ellie barges in. luckily, she was a gentlewoman and always covered her eyes even though you were fully clothed. but it was extremely awkward, to say the least.

one morning, you thought the house was empty and took the opportunity to blast your favorite pussycat dolls song and belt out the chorus while shaking your hips around in the living room, only to find ellie looking down at you from the top of the stairs with an amused expression on her face.

needless to say, you put an end to your one-woman concerts and kept them in the privacy of your bedroom.

it was currently 2:45am, and you just wrapped up a painting you started this morning. the house was still and silent, and no one else but you were awake during this time of night.

feeling the gurgle and rumble of your belly, you take off your headphones and tiptoe down the stairs. with your socked feet pitter-pattering on the cold tile of the kitchen, you opened the door to the fridge and scanned the shelves for a tasty late-night snack.

"hmmm...." you hummed, "strawberries and cream might do the trick." you pulled out the bowl of strawberries and a tub of cool whip, and sat down on the tile, opening the lid, and dipping the berry in the creamy topping.

you were about 5 berries deep before you heard a voice clearing their throat, causing you to jump in your spot.

"isn't it a little too late to be eating dessert?" ellie queries. she was in a grey hoodie and plain grey sweatpants with half of her hair tied up. it was evident she probably just woke up, and a part of you felt a little guilty that you possibly were the reason for that.

unable to speak with a mouthful of fruit, you slowly shake your head left and right, eliciting a chuckle from the brunette.

"alright, no judgment here." ellie puts her hands up, "can i join you?"

swallowing the lump of red fruit down your throat, you respond, "sorry, yeah. of course," you hold up the bowl of berries, "want some?"

the girl crouches down and sits next to you on the floor, grabbing a strawberry and dipping it in the cool whip, then taking it all in one bite.

she chews momentarily before shaking her head in satisfaction, "not bad, not bad. never tried this combination before."

"really? i've had this snack for years, ever since i was a little girl," you smile, "it was my dad's favorite snack growing up..."

your voice trailed off as you reminisced about the earlier years when life was easier and you didn't have the pressure of worrying about college or career aspirations. all you and dina worried about was grilled cheeses and finding your bratz doll's missing feet.

ellie spoke again, "were you close with your dad growing up?"

you bit your lip, the sweet taste of strawberry and whipped cream present upon the skin, "yeah. we were," you laughed dryly, "we used to watch those cheesy law and order SVU shows all the time."

"yeah?"

"mhm," you hummed, "they were always entertaining to me. he thought that it'd eventually influence me to become a lawyer like him. he always said that we'd become the dynamic duo or whatever and that we'd kick ass in court."

ellie sat intently, watching you, listening to you as you told her this memory. from the moment she first met you when she got here, she knew you were quite the opposite of dina. dina was type A. she was occasionally uptight, a bit boring, and not really fit for ellie. ellie was chill and was a 'go by the flow' person, which was one thing dina hated about her. don't get her wrong, ellie liked dina, and she liked how dina was funny and smart, but she didn't really see them lasting long-term.

it was shitty. it was shitty how ellie didn't see herself being with dina for that long, and it was worse that ellie didn't have the guts to tell her.

but, for her own selfish reasons, ellie didn't want to tell dina, not yet anyways. she gravitated toward you and often found herself staring at you for a little too long during meals at the table and thinking about what you were doing in the next room over while dina was cuddled up in her arms.

ellie knew this was a bad idea. she could not get attached to her girlfriend's sister. it was nothing but a recipe for disaster.

but ellie was only human. she couldn't help her ever growing curiosity.

"you didn't want to be a lawyer?" ellie asked.

you shook your head, "hell, no. looks stressful and boringgggg," you sang out.

ellie laughed, "yeah, can't disagree with you there. dina tells me it involves lots of reading."

"yea, i'm good." you giggle, "what about you? have you always known that you wanted to work with computers 'n stuff?"

"i guess. i was always a 'nerd' and all that bullshit. loved watching sci-fi movies and shows and i'm also a huge gamer so—" ellie began, "i can't imagine myself not doing anything else other than techie shit."

you nod, putting another cream-covered berry in your mouth, "that makes sense. at least you're passionate about what you do."

"yeah, i guess," ellie snacks on another strawberry, "how 'bout you? you're an artist?"

you cover your mouth to muffle a laugh, "i wouldn't call myself an artist. but i do love painting. it's all i ever want to do."

"then it wouldn't be too much if i could ask to see some of your art."

your eyes widen, and you nearly choke on the fruity snack. "what?" your voice almost comes out sounding shocked.

"yeah, i mean, i'd love to see some of your stuff," ellie looked toward you with a sly smile.

"um, no," you laugh, "my parents haven't even seen some of my work."

you were hesitant to show anyone any of your artwork, and only allowing your best pieces to be kept in the security of your personal portfolio, only to be viewed by colleges for applications and such.

"aww, c'mon. i wanna see."

you huff, "maybe."

ellie smirked, "i'll take what i can get," she continues, "besides, think of me as....an art critic."

you let out a giggle, "oh yeah?"

the night progresses and you and ellie get lost in conversation, talking until 4am about life and whatnot. ellie was an easygoing person to talk to. she never seemed to judge you for any of your own opinions, and it felt like she was actually interested in what you had to say. it felt like you've known her for years, even though it's only been a matter of weeks.

you could already see the rays of orange peeking up from the navy, blue sky. it was already early morning.

"we should probably head back upstairs," you suggest, nodding your head towards the window, "the sun's gonna rise....and dina'll wake up soon."

it was like clockwork. dina woke up every morning at 6:30 am, never earlier nor later. you definitely did not want her to catch you and ellie here, alone and together.

for a moment, ellie forgot that she was here with dina. it was fucking terrible and she felt guilty, but she really liked spending the night talking with you and she knew she needed to do it again.

"uh— no, yeah, of course," ellie stood up first, holding out a hand to help you up next.

you took her warm hand in yours and hoisted yourself up until you were stable on your feet.

"thanks," you murmur.

"yeah, no problem."

ellie didn't pull her hand away, and neither did you. it was like your hands were two pieces of a puzzle, fitting perfectly in the spaces of each other's fingers.

realizing what was happening, you quickly pulled your hand away from hers, "uh—"

"fuck, sorry," ellie stammered, "i'm getting— um— awfully tired."

good excuse, ellie thought to herself.

"it's fine, no worries. let's head upstairs," you lead the way up toward the stairs with ellie alongside you. you stop in front of your bedroom door and ellie stops in front of dina's, her hand lingering on the doorknob.

"yeah?"

"um— just wanted to say goodnight, ellie." you smile at her, and she returns the favor.

"goodnight." ellie whispers, and you both head inside.

with dina still fast asleep, ellie crawls into bed next to her. she pulls the blanket close to her body, and turning away from her sleeping girlfriend, a small smile makes its way across her face as her mind drifts to you and how you were just a few feet away, a wall being the only thing separating you both.

and as you crawl into the comfort of your own bed, you couldn't help the wide smile that curls upon your lips as you thought about ellie, and how badly you wanted to talk to her again, ignoring the fact that she was probably laid up against your sister's body, holding her close.

it was an unfortunate thing — the slow formation of the connection between two people who were right for each other but were bound by the fate of knowing deep inside the chance of them being together was just not a possibility.

ellie could not get herself to fall asleep. she's been here for weeks, yet found herself tossing or turning in bed, never sleeping soundly for more than 3 hours at a time.

it happened again tonight. she fell asleep at 11:00pm, and here she was, wide awake at 3:00am.

she never knew how dina could do it— how she could make her body sleep at the same time, and stay asleep until morning.

ellie blamed it on the idea that her body wasn't adjusted to being at dina's house with her family. she thought that spending her summer vacation with dina's family would be fun and that it would be a good getaway from all the stress at school.

but ellie fucking hated your dad. from the first night she met him, she hated how he talked down to you. he was an asshole. it was obvious to ellie that he favored dina, and she knew it was only because she was following the same career path he was on. ellie didn't agree with how he felt about you at all, and desperately wished she could say something to him, but she thought it'd be best to not interfere...for now.

sighing, ellie took the covers off and quietly walked towards the door, slowly opening it and gently closing it.

she didn't know what the hell compelled her to walk over to your bedroom door, but before she had any time to even consider her actions, her fist planted three soft knocks on the surface.

ellie thought you must've been fast asleep by now, but a small part of her hoped that you would still be awake.

you swung your bedroom door open, unsure who would be knocking on your door at this hour, but was relieved to see it was ellie, "oh, hey."

ellie's eyes trailed up and down your body, taking you in and letting her eyes rake over the way your sleep shirt hangs loosely off your shoulder and how your cotton shorts stop mid-thigh.

she had to force her eyes back up on your face, and she was beating herself up for even letting her look at you that way, like a piece of meat.

"uh- er- sorry, i was just—" ellie stuttered, "i couldn't sleep."

you nod slowly, and step aside to let her inside your room.

god, this was such a bad idea.

after letting her inside, you close the door and lock it. walking back over towards your bed, you plop down on the mattress as ellie awkwardly stands in the middle of your room.

"you can sit down, you know," you giggle, and ellie shrugs and chooses to sit on your swiveling desk chair.

silence fills the air for a moment before ellie speaks up first.

"were you busy?"

you shake your head, "nope, was just reading a book."

"ahh, okay," ellie was silent for a moment before speaking again, "sorry again, for uh— bothering you."

"you didn't bother me," you laugh, "i'm usually up around this time anyways, jus' doing whatever."

ellie nods and turns the chair to face your desk where she sees your black leather sketchbook. her fingers open the book to a random page, and it was a sketch of a cat napping on a window sill in incredible detail.

the sound of pages flipping caught your attention, and you immediately jump to your feet as the realization hits you.

"hey! my sketchbook!" your hands quickly try to snatch the book from her hands, but ellie was faster, and got up and held the black book up and out of your reach. to your loss, ellie had the advantage of being a couple inches taller than you were, which made it extremely difficult for you to get to your book.

"these are amazing! let me just look through them a little bit longer—" ellie says, flipping through the pages of all the sketches you made, "holy shit— is that— is that me?"

your eyes grow wider, and you could feel the sweat seeping out of your pores, "give that back!"

you jump and try to grab the book, but ellie has this annoying smirk on her face as she holds the book high above her head, knowing you wouldn't be able to grab ahold of it due to your shorter stature.

"ugh, seriously?" you whine, flushing red in embarrassment, feeling like she just read an extremely personal section of your diary. in a way, your sketchbook was your diary.

"let me take a picture of my sketch and i'll give it back to you, deal?" ellie attempted to negotiate with you, but you narrowed your eyes at her, really not wanting her to have any evidence of your sketch at all. but she doesn't seem like the type to take no for an answer.

luckily, you were quite the trickster yourself. it's a youngest child thing.

you huff, "fine."

ellie smiles with pride, and as she lowers her arm to put the sketchbook down, you act fast and seize the book. but before you succeed, ellie snatches it back, and suddenly she's falling back onto your bed. you fail to steady yourself, following suit and landing on top of her, your forehead thumping against hers.

"ouch."

both of your eyes meet, and for a second, everything stands still. you and ellie don't move, afraid that whatever happens next, it'll end up with you both in a compromising situation.

"i— uh—" you sputter, "sorry." you quickly scramble up to your feet, getting off of her, and standing back to create some distance.

the absence of your body made ellie feel cold, but she pushed that feeling to the side and stood on her own two feet, handing you your sketchbook.

"thanks," you take the book from her hands and stuff it in the top left drawer of your dresser, where it usually is anyways.

"you know, those were really good," ellie mutters, scratching the back of her neck, "especially the one of me."

heat rises to your face once again, "it was from the day i saw you in the driveway— when you first got here with dina."

she nods, "i can tell, 's really good though. i swear."

you blush, "thanks," you think of something quick to change the subject, wanting to stray away from your sketch of her, still reeling in the embarrassment of her finding out.

"wanna watch the office?"

4:58am

you know what? imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so i thank you.

"god, i love dwight so much, dude," ellie laughs, throwing a chip in her mouth as she watches jim's character pull out the bobblehead and place it on his desk.

identity theft is not a joke, jim! millions of families suffer every year!

michael!

oh that's funny— michael!

you let out a sleepy giggle, cuddling your pillow. you and ellie had been on your bed with the show playing on your laptop for an hour already, while she munched away on a bag of chips you had in your room.

ellie turned her head to check on you, and she could tell by your heavy eyelids that you were about to knock out in any second, "you sleepy?"

"mhm," you manage to hum out.

she smiles, in awe at your cute, sleepy state.

"go 'head and sleep. i'll finish up this episode and let myself out when it's over," ellie murmurs. she unfolds the blanket that was sitting at the edge of your bed and places it over your body.

"you sure?" you ask, nearly half asleep.

"mhm. i'll be gone by the time you wake up." but you knew you didn't want ellie to be gone when you woke up and ellie didn't want to go either.

as the show continues to run, you close your eyes and fall into slumber.

you weren't sure what woke you up, but you did. you hear the sound of 'the office' theme song playing, causing you to stir slightly, but you were surprised by the pressure present around your waist.

you sit up a bit, and you see ellie fast asleep, with her arm wrapped tightly around your waist, spooning you.

you look at the clock next to your bed and read the time: 6:23 am.

the air is sucked out from your lungs. dina is gonna be up soon.

"ellie! wake up!" you whisper quite loudly in her ear, shaking her awake. she doesn't wake up, and just groans, pulling you back to hold you again.

ignoring the butterflies going rampant in your belly, you attempt to wake her up again, "ellie! please, wake up," you shake her arm, "dina's gonna wake up in any minute."

ellie's green eyes open, and for a moment she's glad it's your face she sees when she wakes up, until the realization dawns on her.

"shit, shit, shit," ellie curses, getting off your bed and standing up, "i have to go."

and she exits your bedroom, leaving you alone in your bed only with the memory of waking up in her arms.

as ellie slowly and quietly enters dina's bedroom, she's relieved by the sight of dina's body still fast asleep. she gets back in bed and turns away from her, trying to calm her fast heart rate down.

on cue, dina's alarm clock goes off at 6:30 am sharp. ellie can feel dina turning and shutting off her alarm clock, and then she scootches closer and wraps her arms around ellie's body, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"morning, babe," dina whispers, and ellie shuts her eyes, pretending she's still asleep.

ellie lets out a mumbled 'morning' sounding groan and nestles her face into the pillow. she feels dina get up from bed and head into the bathroom to begin her morning routine, leaving ellie alone, wishing she had you wrapped up in her arms instead.

two days had gone by and you barely talked to ellie, sharing nothing but longing glances and brushes of fingers when you handed her a plate during meal times.

you didn't purposely intend to avoid ellie, but your mother had filled your agenda with errands for your 19th birthday party this weekend. you had to go talk to the caterers, talk to the florist, get fitted for a dress, buy new shoes, send out invitations— it was all so tedious and tiring, but you didn't want to make your mother upset by disappointing her.

the contractors were currently setting up the house with decorations and such for the party, and ellie was outside in the backyard with father, helping the rest of the workers set up a stage and other things needed.

you hated hot days, especially ones like these, where the air was scorching and dry. but you couldn't complain today, ellie was in a tight, white tank top showing off her muscular biceps and arms. you couldn't help but stare a little longer, trailing your eyes over the beads of sweat that would roll down her neck.

thank god for hot days like this one.

"honey, will you please do me a favor and bring out this tray of refreshments to everyone outside please?" your mother handed you a tray of cold drinks and fresh fruit.

"of course," you smooth out your sundress and take the tray from her hands, walking out of the kitchen and through the open doors leading to the backyard patio.

you walk over toward where they were working and set down the tray, "here are some cold drinks everyone."

your father and the workers mutter a quick thank you and take the offerings, sipping on the chilled drinks and talking amongst themselves.

however, what ellie needed wasn't a cold refreshment or a fruity snack. in fact, the only thing she could think of that would help ellie in this heat right now was you.

she couldn't tear her eyes away from the way your tits looked, the way the fabric hugged the soft, pillowy flesh. she definitely couldn't look away when you walked back towards the house, only wishing she can run her hands over the smooth skin of your thighs, grabbing on your ass.

the way you made ellie sweat was incomparable to the sun's radiating heat.

"excuse me, i'm gonna use the bathroom," ellie muttered, making her way back inside the house.

as you neared the kitchen, you overhear your mother's conversation with dina.

"yeah, we'll be leaving a little early. i have stuff to do back on campus," dina's voice remarks.

"oh, that's too bad. i really like having you both here," your mother pouts, "when are you and ellie leaving?"

"the day after the party," dina replies, "it'll give us time to rest and pack up."

your heart sank in your chest. ellie was leaving? and so soon?

you ran back inside the house, jogging up the stairs, not wanting dina or your mother to see the tears watering in your eyes.

"sweetie? you okay?" your mother yells out from the kitchen.

"uh, yeah! just need to get something from my room!"

you make a bee-line to the bathroom and shut the door behind you, looking at your reflection in the mirror, and letting yourself break down in tears.

something like this was bound to happen. you knew ellie wouldn't stay here forever, and you would be leaving for college. but why did this hurt so bad?

you hear the bathroom door open, and you quickly wipe your eyes.

"e-ellie?"

the brunette was surprised to see you in the bathroom at first, knowing you did have a habit of leaving the door unlocked sometimes, but that all went away and concern washed over her as she noticed your tear-filled eyes and red, stuffy nose.

"hey, hey, hey," she whispers as she takes a few steps toward you, "what's wrong?"

you blink a couple times, a tear falling down your cheek. you hesitated to answer her question.

"you know you can tell me anything, right?" ellie coos, her hands soothingly rubbing up and down your arms.

you nod, and bite your lip, thinking of how to word your response correctly, "d-dina said you both were leaving after my b-birthday."

ellie softens and an evident look of disappointment appears on her face, "yeah, we are."

you wipe your nose, looking up at her with glossy eyes, "it feels like you just got here and— and—" you sniffle, "you're leaving already."

ellie's heart soars understanding that you were upset because she was leaving. "i know and i'm sorry," she snakes her arms around your waist, pulling you close to her, "i wish i met you sooner."

ellie wished she met you first, she would actually have a chance at giving you both a shot without the guilt of betraying dina.

you bury your face into her shirt, the scent of her perfume wafting in your nostrils. god, there was just so much to do and so little time.

you pull your head back to get a good look at her face, to memorize her features, and sear them into your brain.

your eyes fell to her lips, and before you could even form a single thought, you leaned forward and pressed your lips against hers.

ellie instinctively pulled you closer by your waist, kissing back, moving her lips slowly with yours.

you slowly try to pull away from her lips, but she brings you back in for more, her grip on your waist never releasing.

"ellie," you breathe out, but it comes out sounding more like a moan, "w-we can't," you whine, "d-dina's here."

fuck. she stops, and pulls away from your lips, leaning her forehead against yours for a brief moment.

ellie plants a small kiss on your forehead, before letting you go and exiting the bathroom, leaving you alone once again.

"happy birthday, dear," the lady greets, leaning to give you a kiss on your cheekbone, "19 is such a fun age, don't take advantage of it, alright, hun?"

"sure," you hum, smiling back as the lady retreats back to the party, getting lost in the sea of people.

you had no idea who she was. actually, you didn't know a lot of the people here. a bunch of them were your father's associates from the law firm, some of your mom's book club members, and dina's friends from high school.

it was your birthday party, but your parents never turned down the idea of hosting a celebration if it was an excuse to mingle and network.

you head upstairs toward the balcony and step outside to the cool, summer night, leaning against the railing. you took a deep breath in, briefly closing your eyes in an attempt to gather your thoughts and clear your head.

"not enjoying the party?"

the sound of the voice causes you to spin in your spot, and you're met with ellie standing at the doorway. she was dressed in a white, collared dress shirt that was slightly unbuttoned at the top, with black slacks. her hair was down, in her signature mullet. you could tell she'd been drinking, as her eyes appeared dazed and she seemed more relaxed.

"uh— it was getting hot and stuffy in there," you tore your eyes away from her, "i just needed some air."

ellie sauntered over, standing next to you and placing her arms against the rail. her eyes raked over your body, drinking in how absolutely gorgeous you looked in your dress.

"you look beautiful tonight."

heat rose to your cheeks, and luckily the blush you wore today camouflaged the deepening crimson fading on your cheeks, "thanks."

"you always look beautiful, but you know, it's your birthday tonight and i had to remind you."

it was possible that ellie's words just fell from her lips because she was slightly inebriated, but it was true. ellie thought you were the most beautiful thing this earth could offer. you were the closest thing to heaven on earth.

but ellie couldn't have you, and without you, she was in her own personal hell.

you cleared your throat, attempting to wave off the tension in the air, "are you enjoying the party?"

she shrugged, "yeah, it's okay. i mean— dina's been introducing me to all your dad's friends and shit, trying to show me off like some kind of fuckin' trophy or something." she lets out a harsh laugh, "have you met my girlfriend ellie? she's a computer science engineer at yale! she's already done work for google and apple! isn't that so cool?"

ellie mocks dina's voice, and you can tell she has this slight bitterness to her. but you couldn't blame her for how she felt, dina only cared about the superficial things.

"oh...i'm sorry," you turn your head to face the view, "she's always been like that. trying to compete with everyone else and prove that she's better."

"yeah, i fucking hate that."

silence falls between you two again, and the elephant in the room couldn't be more obvious. it's been two days since the kiss in the bathroom occurred, and neither of you had even acknowledged it since then.

ellie would occasionally find herself thinking about the way your lips molded onto hers, and how she'd risk her relationship with dina just to experience it one more time. hell, she'd break up with dina.

it was hard for you to think about ellie without having the guilt bubble in your belly. you couldn't get ellie out of your head at all, and frequently spent those late nights fantasizing what it'd be like to be in dina's position, as ellie's girlfriend.

but, those feelings of shame always came to the surface and you tried to suppress them, pushing them into the dark corners of your mind, but as the day's progressed, it got harder and harder to do.

even being next to ellie made your body feel like it was on fire, and the urge to kiss her again was coming full throttle. you had to leave before you did something you both would regret.

"umm, i'll see you down there," you quickly sputter out before turning your heel to leave, but you felt ellie's hand grip your arm, stopping you.

"wait."

you force yourself to look at ellie, and your eyes connect with hers. your heart rate picked up, and suddenly the oxygen left your lungs. it was insane how one person could make you feel like this— like you could die if you were to let go.

"i—" ellie was about to let her heart speak for herself, and she was going to tell you everything. she was going to put her heart on the line and risk everything, for you."

"ellie! elllieee! where are yo— oh! there you are!" dina appeared at the doorway, a wide smile on her face as she finally found ellie. "where were you? i have to introduce you to this guy who works for this video game company! come on!"

before ellie can say anything, dina grabs her arm and drags ellie away.

the party happened and ended. you blew out your candles and cut the cake, and soon enough all the people left by midnight. dina was fast asleep on the couch in the living room downstairs, as the expensive, bubbly champagne had officially defeated your older sister.

your parents were asleep. dina was asleep. the only two people awake in the house was you and ellie, a deadly combination.

ellie was in the next room, intoxicated, and thinking about what her next moves were. she was leaving tomorrow and she knew that soon enough that you would be leaving for los angeles too, for college.

the thought of you possibly meeting someone new during college made her skin burn. ellie wanted to be that person for you, to be the one who made you laugh, to be the one who you called at the end of the day to tell her all about what happened in class, to be the one who gave you butterflies and made your heart flip.

fuck it, ellie thought, and the next thing she knew she was walking to your room and knocking on your door.

you swung the door open, and ellie swore she could've died and gone right to heaven. you were still in your birthday dress, but your hair was down, and you just looked like the most beautiful thing she'd seen in a long time. it was impossible that you were a real person.

"....ellie?" you spoke softly, and the sound of your voice knocked her out of her thoughts.

"huh? yeah— uh— fuck. sorry," ellie stammered, "can— can i come in?"

"sure."

you could smell the mixture of whiskey and her sandalwood perfume radiating off her body, and it was an addicting combination. you just wanted to bury your face in her neck and sniff her, as creepy as that did sound.

you sit down on the edge of your bed, crossing your legs, and ellie leans against your wall, with her hands stuffed in the pockets of her black slacks. she was still in her outfit, but the top of the buttons of her shirt were opened much wider, revealing a bit of skin.

silence falls in the room, and there was tension in the room. the room was beginning to feel humid and hot, and a small bead of sweat rolled down your temple.

ellie's eyes raked over you in your little dress, and how the dress bunches up just enough for her to get a peek of the sweet skin of your inner thighs, a paradise she's been dreaming of.

she wasn't sure if it was the little bit of alcohol still left in her system, but she could feel that familiar heat bubble in her core, making her feel even hotter.

"so, i was thinking, and i realized that i didn't say 'happy birthday' to you," ellie spoke softly, "i didn't even get you a gift."

your eyes widen, and you let out a small laugh, "it's fine, don't worry about it."

"nah, you've been so good to me, and— i mean— the least i could do is buy you something or take you out for dinner when me and dina come back for winter break."

your smile falters. when me and dina come back. the words echo throughout your head. me and dina. come back.

shaking your head, you try your best to respond without choking up, "i-it's okay..."

"what? don't be ridiculous-"

you cut her off, "it's f-fine, ellie," you breathe out, "i'm gonna head to bed now."

a pang hits ellie in the chest, and a look of hurt washes over her. "w-what? but i-"

you couldn't contain the jealousy that simmered in your belly, and it was partly due to the specialty cocktails you had tonight. you just had to have a midori sour.

"you and dina have to leave early tomorrow," you spat, with venom dripping off every word. it was enough to be noticed by ellie, and she received your message.

ellie doesn't say anything and her mind whirls in search of the words she wants to say.

after a few seemingly long minutes, she speaks up, "i think i'm gonna break up with dina."

your head snaps in her direction, your expression in utter disbelief, "what?"

ellie nods, "yeah."

"but, why?" you ask, "dina loves you and my family loves you—"

"dina is not who i want to be with."

you freeze, and your heart skips a beat.

"who do you want to be with?" you had an idea of who, but you played dumb, eager to hear her say the words.

"you."

time stops, and suddenly, everything feels like it's frozen in time, and the only two things that were present were you and ellie. for a moment, you let yourself imagine how things would be if she did break up with dina and went with you instead. of course, you would be over the moon being ellie's girlfriend, but at what cost?

dina would surely hate you if she already didn't and she'd make your life a living hell. and your parents? your dad would think you were a bigger disappointment, especially for ruining his perfect daughter's relationship.

you and ellie would face ultimate backlash, and wouldn't be on the receiving end of support from those close to you.

it pained you to think about it, but you had to be realistic.

"ellie......" you whispered, your voice coming out slightly strained, "i don't think we could be together."

ellie shakes her head, "we can. i'll break up with dina and— and— we'll have a long distance relationship and we'll come back—"

"and we'll be here? together? in front of dina and my parents?" you cut her off, hurt evident in your voice.

her demeanor faltered, and she was quiet for a moment. ellie understood your point of view, and how it'd be difficult to continue a relationship with her ex-girlfriend's sister.

"just stay with her."

ellie sighed, "no, even if we can't be together, there's no way i'm going to stay with her. no fucking way."

"but—"

"no. i don't want to be with her," ellie comes closer to where you were, causing you to stand on your feet and back up, "everyone is talking about how everyone else would feel. what about me? i can't fucking stand not being with you. you think i enjoy thinking about you while i lay with dina? do you even understand how hard it is for me to just look at you? do you know what you do to me?"

you feel the cool surface of the wall press on your skin as you were backed up against the wall. she had you cornered and you couldn't do anything about it, and a small part of you enjoyed this.

ellie's voice is low and raspy, "do you have any idea how much i think about you? having you as mine? thinking about the things i would do to you?"

you swallow hard, and you shake your head left to right, "ellie, you're just d-drunk."

she shakes her again, "i'm not. i'm one hundred percent sober."

"you're talking nonsense—" you try to convince her, but deep down inside, this was you trying to convince yourself.

"why can't you just face the fact that i want you?"

"because you're dating my sister!" the tone of your voice shocks the brunette.

"i can't— i can't have these feelings for you," you breathe out, "you're with dina."

ellie closes her eyes at the mention of her name, and again, silence fills the space.

"then let's forget about her, okay? for one night, i just want to forget about her," ellie whispers, "all i wanna focus on is you."

you search her face, and you bite your lip, actually contemplating the idea.

as you and ellie make eye contact, it was then you realize how close she was to you, you can nearly taste her lips if you leaned in further enough.

and in a swift move, ellie presses her lips against yours, pushing you against the wall. her hands cup your cheeks, kissing you with a sense of urgency and passion.

she takes control, and pushes her tongue in between your lips, roaming around in your mouth, eliciting a mewl from the back of your throat.

ellie's hands move to the back of your neck, and wrapped up in each other's lips, you both continue your way over to your bed, falling onto the mattress.

you pull away for a brief moment to flip her over, straddling her and sitting on her thighs.

ellie bunches your dress around your hips, fully exposing your thighs for her enjoyment. her cold hands send a shudder up your spine as they make their way to your thighs, "so fucking gorgeous."

ellie whispers, and she reconnects her lips against yours, and you couldn't help but grind your core against her, eager for friction as you feel a pool of wetness gather in your panties.

you let out a small whimper against her lips, and ellie grows more greedy, and slides her tongue inside your mouth again. the burning heat forming in your core begins to be harder to control, and you couldn't help but grind your pussy harder against her again.

the brunette smiles against your lips, and she takes hold of your hips, guiding you and placing you securely on her right thigh, "there, baby. grind that pretty fuckin' pussy on my thigh."

desperate for more, you place your arms around her neck for security and begin rubbing your panty-covered pussy against her pants, the fabric providing some friction on your swollen clit.

you couldn't suppress the soft whimpers that leave your lips, and ellie presses her lips against yours, drinking in every single moan that reverberates through your throat. she has you right where she wants you, wet and desperate for her.

"ellie.." your parted lips whine, "want more."

your pleas come out sounding as pathetic moans, and she smirks at the sight of you, eager for more.

"yeah? you want more, baby?" you nod frantically.

the brunette flips you over, takes you off her thigh and lays you on your back. using her knee to part your thighs, her fingers slowly trail down your inner thighs, and she uses her index finger to slide your panties to the side, sliding her finger down the wet slit of your pussy.

"shit," she curses, "so wet for me."

your hips buck up, craving more and more of her touch against your sensitive cunt, "ellie, please."

smirking, ellie pulls down your panties, the damp fabric pooling at your ankles, and she uses two fingers to spread your lips, the wet skin creating a slick-sounding echo throughout the room.

she uses one finger to rub your soaked, swollen clit, drenching her finger with your wetness.

"hmmph," you whimper, gripping her arm tight. ellie takes your lips in hers, muffling your pleading moans with her mouth as her fingers rub agonizing slow circles on your pussy.

she briefly pulls away from your lips, breathing heavily, "god, you're so beautiful when you moan."

ellie continues the circles against your clit, and you grab her wrist, stopping her, "e-ellie, please, i-i want more.."

the brunette pauses and thinks for a moment, "alright, baby, give me a second and wait here."

ellie places a kiss on your forehead, pulling her fingers out of you and quickly hurrying out of your bedroom. seconds later, you hear your door open and you see her come back in with a black strap and a harness.

"do you use that with—"

ellie cuts you off, "no. this one's new."

she takes off her shirt, and her black pants, leaving her in a plain black sports bra and plaid red boxers. she quickly hooks the harness around her hips and attaches the strap.

coming back on the bed, ellie looks at you with soft eyes, "is this okay with you?"

you nod, "yes, it's perfect."

she smiles, and she leans in to kiss you again, this time the kiss being much gentler than the previous one before. her hands make their way down your hips, and taking the hem of your dress in her hands, she slips it off of you.

pulling away, she takes the chance to gaze at your body. there was nothing but absolute adoration in those pools of green.

"you're beautiful, have i told you that?"

"only a couple times," you reply shyly, and ellie smiles, kissing your cheek.

her hands gently part your thighs, and she lines her cock up at your entrance. "we'll start off slow, yeah? you let me know if anything hurts, and i'll stop, baby."

looking up at her with glossy eyes, you nod. ellie takes the base of her strap and slowly slides it inside of your pussy, slowly filling you up.

"oh my god." was all you could muster.

"fuck," ellie curses, "you're so fuckin' wet for me, sweet girl."

filling you up almost completely, she grabs your waist and begins thrusting her hips, the strap easily sliding in and out of your wet pussy.

your eyes roll to the back of your head and you grab onto her arm, your grip tightening around her limb with each striking thrust.

the sound of clapping skin and wet slick fill the room, along with a combination of your soft whimpers and ellie's groans.

"keep your eyes on me, babe, wanna see those pretty eyes as i fuck you," ellie groans out, tilting your chin to look up at her.

how can something so wrong feel so right? she had your legs spread apart, with her strap buried deep inside you as dina slept soundly just downstairs.

it was hard to feel guilty when she was hitting every sweet spot inside you.

ellie leaned her forehead against yours, her thrusts never losing rhythm as you coat the black silicone in your white, cream.

as her strap slides in and out of your pussy, that familiar knot begins to form in your belly, and you feel almost as if you're nearing the edge.

"god, ellie— i think i'm about to cum," you stammer out, feeling your pussy tighten around her cock. ellie's eyes never stray away from yours, wanting to make sure you kept your eyes on her.

"yeah? come on, pretty girl, cum on my cock," she coaxes you, and her words cause that feeling of euphoria to wash over you, as you tip over the edge and writhe beneath her.

"ellie," you cry out, "i-i l-love you, fuck." you whimper out, as your pussy clenches around her, the black plastic strap squelching as your juices drip all over it.

"i love you, baby," ellie groans out, as she does one last thrust inside you, falling over in exhaustion onto the bed.

moments later, ellie gets up and takes the strap off. she cleans you up with a clean, wet rag, and climbs into your bed, the both of you still without clothes.

she drapes the blanket over your bodies, and she pulls you close to her.

"you okay?" she asks.

"mhm, i'm more than okay," you hum.

a comfortable silence falls, and you speak up again.

"i just wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow," you whisper, a stray tear falling down your cheek.

ellie kisses the top of your forehead, and rubs your back soothingly, "me neither, baby."

and you and ellie both fall asleep in each other's arms, just for this one night.

you really didn't want to have to see dina and ellie off.

it was sad enough that the girl you were in love with was dating your sister, but for her to go to university almost halfway across the country was something close to heartbreak.

luckily, ellie woke up early and got ready and packed up her things before dina woke up. but unfortunately, you woke up alone.

and for the rest of the morning, you stayed cooped up in your bedroom, not wanting to endure the sorrow of seeing ellie leave.

but she had to.

from your upstairs window, you watched as your father and ellie both began loading up the car with suitcases and other bags.

you didn't even want to say goodbye to her, knowing that the minute you saw her face, you'd burst into tears.

so, you just decided you wouldn't say anything to her at all. it was easier that way and it made a cleaner cut.

you hear a knock on your door, and your mother's head peeks out in your bedroom.

"hey honey," she coos, "come downstairs and say goodbye to ellie and dina."

you sigh and turn your head away from the door, "no, thanks. they'll be good without me."

you hear your mother sigh, and she shuffles into your room, closing the door behind you and sitting next to you on the bed.

"don't you wanna say goodbye to your sister, before she leaves?"

you shrug, "dee will be fine without my goodbye."

and for a moment, your mother is silent.

"well," she begins, "don't you want to say goodbye to ellie?"

you were stumped and you didn't reply.

"after all those late night conversations and such, i think ellie would want you to say goodbye."

your eyes widen in surprise, and you turn to look at your mother. "hold on, you know about that?"

she scoffs, "i may be your mom, but i'm not stupid." she laughs, "i can see things from a mile away, and my motherly intuition is telling me that...you like ellie."

you sigh and tear your eyes away from your mother, feeling ashamed, "i know, and i'm a terrible sister for that."

your mom soothingly rubs your back, "no, that makes you human. you can't help who you get feelings for, hun."

she tucks a piece of hair behind your ear and smiles at you, "ellie is an amazing girl, and i'm glad she realizes how wonderful you are."

tears fill your eyes, and you completely break down. your mom looks at you with sympathy, her heart cracking seeing her daughter experience heartbreak, "i love her, mom."

you let out these muffled sobs, and your mom takes you in her arms, comforting you as you cry.

as soon as you come back, she wipes your tears, and takes hold of your hands, "listen to me, sweetie," she coos, "if you love her, let her go, and if she comes back, she was always yours. but if she doesn't, it was never meant to be."

you laugh a little bit, "ugh, mom, that was corny."

"it is, but it's also true," she says, "which is why i think you need to say goodbye to ellie. life will take you in two different paths, and you'll regret it if you don't say anything."

absorbing her words, you nod and wipe your face with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. you get up from your spot, and hurry outside, nearly sprinting to the driveway, seeing dina already in the passenger seat and ellie about to get in the driver's side.

"wait!" you call out, and ellie's head snaps in your direction, a wide smile curling on her face.

first, you jog over to dina, "bye, dee. have fun at yale and stay safe."

you kept your words short and sweet.

"thanks, kid. go crazy in LA, okay?"

smiling, you nod at her and make your way over to the driver's side of the car, where ellie was standing and waiting.

you stand in front of her and you take a deep breath, before wrapping your arms around her neck and pulling her in for a tight hug.

you take this opportunity to whisper in her ear, only for her to hear, "maybe in the off chance we see each other again, and things are right, we can give us a shot."

"you better stay true to your words, pretty girl, because i plan on seeing you again," you can hear the smile in her voice as her arms wrap around your waist.

before anyone notices the prolonged hug, you pull away from her and stand next to your mom and dad, where you all wave goodbye to them as they pull away and disappear into the road.

maybe in another life, in another time, in another dimension, you and ellie were together.

you would have this big house overlooking the hills, and you'd have this amazing studio with huge windows to paint whatever you wanted and ellie would have her own office, dealing with her own ordeals. you would have a dog running around with a grumpy cat trailing along with them. you and ellie would always end the day with dinner together, and by the end of the night, you would be curled up in her arms and life would be perfect.

but this wasn't another life. for now, you and ellie were just two souls who are merely passing by each other in this lifetime. from strangers to friends, friends into lovers, and strangers again.

♡♡♡♡♡♡

#ellie williams #ellie tlou #ellie williams tlou #the last of us #the last of us ellie #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x you #ellie x reader #tlou #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams smut #ellie williams angst

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sage-lights · 3 months

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today's been a hard day scrolling through smoshblr, and i need to ask y'all honestly how to navigate it all. i'm gonna bullet point my thoughts.

dani saying that she was not valued at her most recent job (which is smosh because her linkedin says she left march 2024) because her mentors/superiors were eager to help her grow until her growth became a threat. so she faced an unpleasant and unsupportive work environment at smosh, a common phenomenon faced by plenty of black women and other woc in entertainment and in LA (source here)

kimmy announced she officially isn't a part of smosh anymore. didn't want to "spill tea" (which dani didn't intend to either, they just both want to be transparent about career changes). kimmy is also a woc who moved from cast to crew, despite still expressing that she wanted to be on camera. curious, huh?

today's smosh games video with noah and olivia. noah has been talked about quite a bit on smoshblr already for his zionist views. (source here)

learned olivia posted a pro-israel story back in oct, but i read the replies on the post and it says that she also has posted about a ceasefire in gaza, but i haven't seen screenshots of it yet (not saying that it's like "pics or it didn't happen" though). reading through the replies say that tommy and amanda (oof, this one hurts) also posted similar things on oct 7. hoping they've educated themselves and understand why we need to continue calling for a ceasefire and supporting palestine to end the genocide in gaza. (source here)

olivia parked in a handicap spot and claimed she didn't know? i didn't watch the who meme'd it when it was uploaded, but it caused many fans to be upset at olivia for it. (source here)

damien, angela, and mallory are the only three i've seen say anything in support of palestine. damien said talked about it on twitch, angela tweeted about it, and mallory posted stories about aaron bushnell. (if anyone has the screenshots/sources, please leave them in the replies!)

i need to clearly state that i don't mean to bring any of this up as a way to bash smosh. as this blog will tell you, i'm a huge fan and have been for almost a decade. but with every passing day, it honestly becomes harder and harder to stay a fan. yet, it's equally as hard to let go of something that has provided me so much comfort (and probably saved me many times over).

where do we as a community go from here? guess i'm just feeling a little lost right now.

again, none of this is meant to be hateful towards anyone. especially because we don't know who they are in their real lives. we only see their public personas.

and to anyone who is confused as to why we as fans should hold smosh accountable for these instances, they are a company with a massive following. they have influence and the things they say and bring attention to reached millions of people. but beyond that, there are people involved. people getting the short end of the stick, getting hurt, for the benefit of a few.

i hope this all made sense. and wow, it's a long ass post. as always, i really appreciate the other blogs on here for being willing to talk about these things. it makes me feel much less alone in my confusion.

please keep all discussions peaceful. absolutely no hate towards anyone will be tolerated.

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annabelle--cane · 1 month

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placing my hands out placatingly, asking everyone to please be cool and not reignite og!elias burnt out gifted kid discourse. okay? okay. I think this is setting up some more sam and gwen parallels. from mag 193, we know that elias bouchard (original flavor) was told from a young age that he was smart but lazy, he was squandering his advantages, and he was wrong to envy other children because they were meaningless and he was better. he seemed to internalize this to some extent, because by the time he was in his early twenties he had no friends and no family and no real life, just the certainty that he was destined to deserve better.

I think it is reasonable to assume that gwen received similar messaging during her childhood, as she seems to be treating the OIAR the same way elias treated artefact storage (as a stepping stone job to a bigger career waiting for her up the ladder), and she takes a lot of offence when she feels disrespected. from magp 03, we know she's reticent to tell her friends that she's still working this same job, especially because the friend's party she was going to was to celebrate making partner at a law firm.

from this episode, we know that sam was declared "gifted" as a child and his parents rigorously enrolled him in every program they could find, and it started going down hill when the magnus institute rejected him (did they reject him outright or was he there for a bit and then kicked out? what he said to celia doesn't quite fit his earlier statements, but moving on). he has a lot of pent up and fixated feelings about not being chosen by them, he didn't get into oxford, he just missed the highest grades, and he's reticent to tell his parents that he's working this job, especially because he used to be at a law firm.

we know the bouchards are a wealthy and influential family, and as sam speaks with a south asian accent I think it's safe to assume that his family immigrated. of course, there's a massive amount of variation in the socioeconomic statuses of south asian immigrant families in the UK, and I don't know enough about how british gifted kids programs work to know if sam having been in a bunch of them would imply anything about his parents' disposable income, but nonetheless I still think their different backgrounds potentially say a lot about how they handle these feelings of not meeting the high standards that were expected of / promised to them. gwen is fighting to be on the same level of social status and power as her peers, and sam probably felt like he was he had opportunities for upward mobility in this brand new place but kept failing them. it's causing both of them to be very active characters, they are the two people pushing the story forward the most by far, but the ways in which they are active diverge greatly.

gwen, until recently, had felt like she was unfairly stagnating, like she was "not most people" and was cut out for better, and being constantly barred from climbing the ladder made her both resentful of lena and extremely paranoid / insecure about her own worth. now that she's starting to crack it into the "real work," it's obviously taking a great toll on her, but she doesn't want to back out, she wants to prove herself and take what's rightfully hers and not show herself to be unfit for real power. her actions appear to be guided by an ethos that her life hasn't been wasted yet, she still has time to make good, she just needs to ignore that weakness masquerading as a conscience, please god don't let her fail.

sam feels like he's made mistake after mistake after mistake and led himself to his own desperate state where he only just managed to avoid destitution because his ex was kind enough to hook him up with an emergency job that is actively destroying his physical and emotional health, and he has pinned all this frustration on trying to figure out what the magnus institute was all about and why it didn't choose him. like gwen, great things were expected of him, but unlike her he doesn't seem to still be striving for them, that dried up when he had a breakdown at his last job. now he just wants to figure it out and make sense of it, as if solving the mystery will let him fix it and undo all that time and un-waste his promised potential. his actions seem to be guided by an ethos that, even though he's already screwed everything right up, solving the ghosts that haunt his life will some how lessen their burden and maybe, just maybe, give him closure on the Flaw That Doomed Him and allow him to move past it without dragging it still forward.

#tmagp #tmagp spoilers #marina marvels at life

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snaccpopstudios · 11 months

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Hi everyone! We're here with the long awaited post on our newest bachelor, Simoun. We know you've all been abuzz with questions about him so we hope to answer some of that in this deep dive into his creation. This post is in lieu of our usual Wednesday devlogs as we've been writing this over the span of several weeks, and was co-authored, edited, and reviewed by Tobias, Jude, ToyboxToonz, Primarvelous, and Sauce. The above image was drawn by @toyboxtoonz.

You can read the full post for free on Patreon, or click the readmore to see it all!

Personally speaking, some of my concerns since Simoun's debut are thoughts like "Do people think I'm making SnaccPop Studios push an agenda?" and "Do people think I'm going through a checklist while making new characters?" It's made it difficult for us to write this quickly because this is quite personal to myself and the rest of the sensitivity consultation team on the DachaBo team.

Concept to Creation

The story of DachaBo begins way before SnaccPop Studios itself was even a concept (that's Sauce's story to tell though). Early Patreon art of Simoun exists from November 2022, back before I was signed on to manage the Patreon and any other projects besides Sunny Day Jack. Sauce had some ideas laying around for several other characters in the DachaBo universe that didn't make it into the proof-of-concept demo:

I dug up an old draft for the DachaBo cat character we teased and it featured a story concept where the cat character was originally a female DachaBo character, referencing the original female design. And overtime he got tired of how he was being treated and decided to change his own self to reflect who he wanted to be, not the sycophants who collected the toys and whatnot ... It was shelved because I didnt have the means to sensitivity check it The designs are half cooked is all but he was supposed to be Indian ethnicity coded for no other reason than I've never seen a character like that

One thing that's important to note is that there definitely are Indian folks who are gender diverse (see Hijra on Wikipedia for a quick primer on one of the traditionally recognized nonbinary genders in South Asia) so it's not a novel concept by any means, but it's also not very common in media whatsoever.

Why The Long Wait?

One of the other contributing reasons as to why Sauce wasn't able to do much with the concept at the time is because we didn't have a VA for him confirmed yet, as I explained in May:

One thing that's rather unique to SnaccPop Studios in all of my experience as a game developer is the fact that all of our series involve coordinating with Voice Actors from the start, which means we need to take the VAs themselves into account when making characters. Adding another layer of complexity in hiring is the fact that SnaccPop Studios is a strictly Erotic Adult brand focusing on masculine love interests, and even if we focus more on the softcore, there's still the unfortunate stigma that any 18+ work has when attached to your name. All of these contributing factors make the potential talent pool that much smaller. This isn't to make excuses: I know SnaccPop Studios can do better on this front. While we can't make changes to some of the existing series' main cast (we don't want to put people out of a role they've been promised), we will do better moving forward to incorporate more diverse characters into our future titles, and that's a pledge

In the field of voice acting, it's best practice to cast actors with similar backgrounds to the character they're voicing, particularly for characters from marginalized populations (ethnicity, culture, gender, etc.), because it's a recurring issue in all professions where marginalized folks are regularly turned down for employment or career opportunities. You don't have to look far for instances where other voice directors failed to cast the proper talent for a character, even in the AAA sphere where they ought to have the resources to be able to find the proper talent; at SnaccPop, we wanted to avoid that situation at all costs.

Finding Simoun's Voice

So we had to confirm a VA first before we could do anything. Sauce, Reece, and I all tried to put private ads out for a trans masc POC (any ethnicity with dark skin) actor for a R18 game, which was largely met with silence at first, then responded to by folks who didn't fit the role in a full capacity (many only hit one or two of the criteria we laid out, some of them none at all). And it's not hard to imagine why: it's common knowledge that the majority of erotic works often fetishize marginalized people who are otherwise underrepresented in mainstream media. Things such as skin color, body type, hair color, age, etc. are treated as traits to be objectified, and on the off chance that queer folks or people of color might see themselves in porn… it's usually not for the most flattering or empowering of reasons. How could we, an exclusively Adults-only studio, convince someone who isn't familiar with us that we wanted to make something for people like them rather than something that turns them into mere masturbating material?

We were almost about to give up on the Catboy until I decided to take a chance on contacting a VA whom I hadn't had any formal and proper interactions with before. I'd been a fan of his work and knew him from an audition he sent in from a previous game I had worked on, but he knew me solely by name at best since we were following each other on Twitter. Still, it was a lead, and after chewing my nails for half a day, I shot off a message to Soren Viloria.

And what do you know? He said he'd give it a shot as his first NSFW role.

Naming the Lad

Soren is a Filipino VA, and despite the fact that I myself seem to be mistaken as Filipino by other Asians quite regularly, I'm actually not as well-versed in that culture as I ought to be.

There's actually a reason why we were so secretive with Simoun's name for a while: he didn't have one yet, so internally we just kept calling him "the Catboy." We wanted to pick a culture-appropriate name for him, something that was meaningful: Soren initially suggested "Siopao" as it was a common cat name (it's a type of Filipino Steamed Bun, so think of how many pets you've seen who have names like Cupcake or Nacho Supreme), but that didn't seem serious enough for a tsundere catboy like him. A few days later, Soren did a little research on a few well-known characters from Philippine media/culture that fit the bill a bit better:

Elías from the Philippine Revolution novel Noli Me Tángere (a required reading in the Philippines). Cat may like his radical tendencies for revolution and his deep, devoted connections.

Simoun from Noli's sequel, El filibusterismo. Holds revolutionary values similar to Elías, but far less noble and more of a loner. Violent at times, and will do what it takes to get his way.

Panday/Flavio, a very popular hero. Part of his charm is that he doesn't have special powers, but took matters into his own hands and forged a magical blade. Has been portrayed in both 'cool' and comedic ways.

Ricardo "Cardo" from the Philippines' longest-running TV drama Ang Probinsyano. Just a cool action hero dude who cares about family, but is also very ambitious and angy.

Seeing as how we already had an Elias Gallagher, Simoun seemed to be the perfect fit, and the name stuck pretty easily.

Simoun's Boundaries

Now that Simoun had a name, we were able to talk about him more seriously beyond the simple "tsundere cat" tropes. You've all already met Gil Finnegan, who we originally brought into SnaccPop Studios to handle the narrative design for DachaBo but was then onboarded to help with Sunny Day Jack, and those of you in the Patreon Discord server are familiar with our mods Tobias and Jude; along with me and Soren Viloria, that brought the grand total of openly trans masculine members on the team.

We all talked about our personal experiences as trans masc/AFAB people, what things we rarely saw reflected in both mainstream and indie media, things we wanted to see more of. Something we all agreed that was difficult to find was trans masculine folks in sexually dominant roles in erotic media, whether that was live video, audio, writing, art, or a combination thereof; there was only a handful of series we could count on our fingers as far as sexually explicit content that featured trans masculine people in roles that weren't exclusively submissive/bottoms, and the majority of us had already seen those or at least heard of them before (ie. Gummy and the Doctor and Sasha From The Gym were prominent ones). Either discovering this content was difficult due to Search Engine Optimization favoring depictions of trans feminine folks, or it simply didn't exist.

All of this, along with the backstory that Sauce had for Simoun, led us to determine that Simoun would be adverse to submissive roles in intimate situations. Simoun isn't the type to want to be penetrated either due to previous trauma surrounding his gender. Bear in mind that this isn't meant to imply or suggest that there is only one "acceptable" sexual preference for trans masculine folks, nor is Simoun meant to represent all of trans masculinity; he may be our first trans masculine character but certainly isn't the last, as we hope to feature more types of characters at SnaccPop Studios.

As an aside, it should be noted that the trend of erotic trans feminine content being more readily available doesn't necessarily mean that trans women have more positive representation per se; for every kinky piece of art created by trans feminine folks out there, there could be ten more works that fetishize and objectify their bodies. We probably don't need to tell you about the common derogatory slurs that have been used to refer to them; trans feminine and trans masculine people deal with varying levels and types of transphobia as well as situations that oversexualize (or even undersexualize) them, and it's important to focus on content that doesn't strip them of their autonomy.

There actually was a period of time between the release of his concept art after Soren was onboarded where the team observed comments both on Patreon and in the Discord regarding Simoun, and we discussed how we could avoid having people try to ship Bo and Simoun together; because Simoun hasn't had bottom surgery of any kind, we wanted to ensure that tokophobia (fear of pregnancy) or dysphoria wouldn't become a thing for any of us involved in the team or for our trans masculine Patrons. It was a bit of a chicken or the egg situation, trying to keep up with the evolving comments about Simoun to try and anticipate what people might accidentally say.

Debut Day Thoughts, & Moving Forward

We were quite happy with the general reception everyone had with Simoun, and we're excited to see so many people taking a liking to Simoun after his reveal. SnaccPop Studios has always strived to provide inclusive and diverse stories for those who don't often get represented in media, much less NSFW media, and the team was quite elated to see folks who were just as happy to see Simoun.

We hope that the love and care we put into building Simoun has shone through in this post and will continue to shine as we write more of him for DachaBo, because we're just getting started.

#dachabo #character design #trans masc #transmasculine #transgender #minors dni #gamedev

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morallyinept · 5 months

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What a year it's been for fic writing!⭐️

There have been soooo many stories I've read and enjoyed this year, that's it's been super hard to pick favourites, and I've spent a good amount of time this year trying to narrow it down to just 25.

Listen, every single story I've read this year has been absolutely amazing. I am blown away by the sheer amount of talent and creativity we have in this fandom!

If you're not featured here on this particular list, it's not because I don't like your work or didn't enjoy it - far from it. I've simply put together a list of my personal favourites this year, based on how they made me feel, how often I re-read them, and some that have completely floored me.

And if you want more than just the 25 fic recs I've mentioned here, then please check out my Pedro Character Fav Fic Rec List where all the stories I've read/want to read and come across are featured. My TBR is through the roof, let me tell you, but it's a great problem to have!

And if your story isn't on my fic rec list, it's more than likely because I haven't found your work yet, so please yell at me to check it out! I'd absolutely love to!

Keep on writing, writers. You're all amazing!

So, without further ado, please find my top 25 Pedro Character Fics that I've really enjoyed reading this year! 🖤

☝️In no particular order, and includes a summary from the writer, where provided. Some series may still be ongoing. Please check the specific triggers/warnings on each story individually as some may not be suitable to your tastes:

• I Am Touchin', I Am Grabbin', Everything I Can't Be Havin' - @chronically-ghosted Dieter Bravo "A storm and a dead phone leaves you at the front door of your uncle’s mansion in LA. Thing is, you haven’t seen each other in over a decade and neither of you quite remember the other one looking like that. But what’s one night gonna do? Well, as it turns out – as Dieter spirals at a breaking point in his career and you’re so lost in life you can’t see up from down – a whole fucking lot."

• Rock Bottom Series - @ghostofaboy Frankie Morales "Frankie is spiraling after Tom’s death. Drugs lead to some unhealthy friendships, and too ashamed to reach out to his former teammates for help, Frankie is drawn into a world he’s afraid he can’t get out of."

• Palomino Series - @fuckyeahdindjarin Agent Whiskey "Unable to get a refund for a week-long horse-riding pack trip you’d booked with your ex, you decide to go solo. As it turns out, a rebound with a cowboy named Jack while traversing the wild landscapes of Wyoming might just be what you need."

• Stepwise @the-scandalorian Din Djarin "Requests for both soft and smutty touch-starved head canons spiraled out of control and became this."

• It Pours From Your Eyes - @the-blind-assassin-12 Joel Miller "Some things don't need to be said. Until they do."

• Transplant Series - @marisferasiop Joel Miller & Ezra "You are a resident and the only trained doctor in Jackson. You're bubbly and sweet, outgoing and friendly, and also in an unlabeled "situationship" with the town scrooge, Joel Miller. He won't say you're together, but he'll scare anyone else off. When Tommy drags back a half-dead man and girl from a patrol, you dutifully patch them up and help them settle into their new slotted house - across Rancher Street from yours and Joel's houses. Ellie and Cee get on like a bonfire, and when Joel sees how often you talk to your newest patient, his insecurities make him draw up and away from you. As you slowly give up on him and start something with Ezra, Joel's pining turns to frustration. Tommy convinces him to see if you'd be interested in being a throuple. Surprisingly, you and Ezra are both open to the idea. But can Joel's insecurities and possessiveness withstand such an arrangement? Or will the blow of another loss be what finally breaks him?"

• I'll Know It When I See It Series - @bageldaddy Joel Miller "It's the golden age of porn. Sex and sin are the national pastime. Your career in adult films starts opposite a man who goes by the name Texas."

• Compulsion Series - @iamskyereads Ezra "Beatrice is a Drifter, a member of that oft-maligned, enigmatic subsection of workers on Baylor Corporation’s long haul expeditions. Ezra is a man with flowery language and a dark past, but he plays guardian to a strong willed, soft spoken teenager. In a madcap scheme to steal precious gems from the corporation’s mining operations, Ezra and his ward, Cee, form a reluctant alliance with this lone Drifter."

• Left In Lincoln Series - @toxicanonymity Joel Miller "After you were orphaned by the Outbreak, Bill and Frank raised you, sheltered in their closed community. Now 21+, you're still inexperienced. They leave to get treatment for Frank and ask Joel to look in on you while they're gone. The town begins to creep you out, but Joel is glad to provide comfort and protection."

• Summer Schooled Series - @boliv-jenta Dave York & Joel Miller "Needing some cash before college, you start babysitting for Mr Miller and Mr York. When you decide to spend the summer teasing them. They decide you need to be taught some lessons."

• I Urge You, Bite Me - @netherfeildren Joel Miller "Sometimes love hurts like a split nail, and sometimes we like it like that. Sometimes Joel hurts like a split nail, you like him like that too."

• Sex Worker Frankie Series - @prolix-yuy Frankie Morales "Francisco “Catfish” Morales, a former sex worker at Pope’s escort service, takes on a final client and is met with something unexpected."

• Said The Spider To The Fly - @blueeyesatnight The Thief No summary provided by author, and I won't spoil it, however this is an awesome little fic which I urge you to check out if you haven't already!

• Catalyst Series - @ezrasbirdie Frankie Morales & Joel Miller "You've been nursing a crush on one of your closest friends, Frankie Morales, for a year now. At his 40th birthday party, you finally meet his new friend and neighbor, Joel Miller, who Frankie hasn't been able to stop talking about. You hit it off a little too well."

• Just A Piece - @palioom - Dave York "Dave only married you to keep his life as a hitman hidden. But when he comes home one day to you having cooked one of his childhood meals, he is doubting if he only married you out of necessity."

• This Charming Man - @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin Frankie Morales "Frankie’s wife kicks him out and files for divorce following a second trip to retrieve their money. He feels lost and hopeless until he meets someone new. He falls hard and fast for her. He’ll do anything to have her."

• Lemon Cakes & Lust - @thetriumphantpanda Oberyn Martell "Just a lowly kitchen girl, that’s all you were. A life of struggle behind you, masked by the facade of the palace. A tray of lemon cakes holds your fate with Prince Oberyn and you are only too happy to oblige his wanting of you."

• Headshots Series - @secretelephanttattoo Marcus Pike "You're a photographer and you get a job working for the FBI, taking corporate headshots."

• Starving Season Series - @wannab-urs Dave York "You and Dave York are two people with nothing left in this world. You find yourselves starving for each other, trying to fill whatever void you each have in yourselves."

• Akrasia - @sp00kymulderr Ezra "Ezra quarantine smut that focuses much less on the lockdown and much more on the smut."

• Sequins - @trulybetty Joel Miller "On a night out with friends, you run into a broad-shouldered stranger and there's no denying that there's an immediate attraction between the two of you."

• Kill Shot Series - @magpiepills Ezra "A lonesome prospector comes face to face with a dangerous stranger. What happens when you can’t resist his charm?"

• Send In The Clown - @covetyou Dieter Bravo "You lose your scarf on a visit to the carnival. Send in Dieter Bravo - washed up actor turned circus clown."

• Precious Possessions Series - @exquisiteserotonin Dave York "Work conferences were supposed to be boring. A meeting with a mysterious man sets your life on a very different trajectory."

• Rumour Has It Series - @senorabond Marcus Pike & Javier Pena "You've recently transferred from a promising job in D.C. to Texas when DEA Special Agent Javier Peña approaches you with his current case. Rumor has it you have an in with the FBI art crimes unit, and the DEA could use your skills and connections on a suspected narcos money laundering case. You need to do well on this case to prove yourself, but you're not sure Marcus Pike will even help after the way you left."

Thank you so much to all the writers for writing such amazing stories this year!

⭐️And as a bonus, I've picked a fic from my own writing that I feel is my absolute favourite piece that I've written this year:

The Pit - Ezra - "Ezra and you stumble into an ominous pit on a prospecting mission for coveted azure diamonds on the Narillan moon, and find more than you bargain for."

🖤

PEDRO CHARACTER FAV FIC REC MASTERLIST

#pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #joel miller #javier pena #frankie morales #ezra prospect #dieter bravo #agent whiskey #marcus pike #dave york #comandante veracruz #oberyn martell #din djarin #jett's fic recs #jett's top 25 fic recs of 2023

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skywalker1dream · 21 days

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Title: New Beginnings

Note:It is short, if you want the part 2, I think I have it in drafts, hope you have a good day or night..and And don't forget to drink water [oh and I wrote this at 4 am] If you want me to write something, I am open for requests..

Summary: you visit retired Sebastian Vettel at his countryside home. Despite your secret romantic feelings for him, you cherish your deep friendship. The story ends with a toast to new beginnings and a promise to treasure your journey together.

Warnings:Unrequited Love, (anything else?) Use of nickname [Schatz]

Retired!Sebastian vettel x bestf!reader

The sun cast a golden hue over the sprawling German countryside as you drove up the winding road to the modest estate that Sebastian now called home. The air was crisp, carrying the scent of blooming wildflowers and freshly cut grass. It was a stark contrast to the bustling paddocks and roaring engines that had defined Sebastian's life for so many years.

Sebastian Vettel had retired from Formula 1. The announcement had shocked the motorsport world, but those close to him understood. After years of dedication, victories, and challenges, he had decided it was time to step back and focus on what truly mattered: family, passions beyond racing, and a life of simplicity.

You parked the car in front of the charming, ivy-covered house and took a moment to soak in the peaceful surroundings. This was Sebastian's sanctuary, a place where he could be himself, away from the limelight and pressures of the racing world.

As you stepped out of the car, Sebastian emerged from the house, his face breaking into a wide smile. He looked different now,more relaxed, happier. The stress lines had faded, replaced with a serene contentment.

"Schatz!" he called out, jogging down the steps to greet you. He enveloped you in a warm hug, the familiar scent of his cologne mixed with the earthy aroma of the countryside filling your senses.

"Hey, Seb," you replied, pulling back to look at him. "You look good. Retirement suits you."

He chuckled, a sound that always made your heart skip a beat. "Thanks. I've been keeping busy. Come on, let me show you around."

You followed him inside, where the interior of the house was just as inviting as the exterior. The decor was simple yet elegant, with personal touches that made it clear this was a home, not just a house. Photos of his family and his career adorned the walls, each one telling a story of its own.

Sebastian led you to the back patio, where a table was set up with a spread of fresh fruits, cheeses, and a bottle of his favorite wine. You both settled into comfortable chairs, the view of the rolling hills providing the perfect backdrop.

"So, how's life treating you?" you asked, pouring a glass of wine for each of you.

"It's been great," he said, leaning back in his chair. "I miss racing sometimes, but I'm happy. I've been spending a lot of time with the kids, working on my garden, and just... enjoying life."

You smiled, watching him talk about his new passions with the same enthusiasm he used to have for racing. "I'm really glad to hear that, Seb. You deserve it."

He looked at you, his eyes softening. "You know, Schatz, I couldn't have done any of this without your support. You've always been there for me, through the highs and lows. I can't thank you enough."

You felt a warm blush creeping up your cheeks. "It was my pleasure, Seb. You know I always believed in you."

He reached across the table, taking your hand in his. The touch was gentle, yet it sent a jolt of electricity through you. For years, you had harbored feelings for Sebastian, feelings you had never found the courage to confess. You cherished his friendship too much to risk losing it, so you kept your emotions buried deep within your heart.

"I don't just mean during my racing career. You've been my rock, my best friend. And now, I want you to be a part of this new chapter of my life.

Your heart swelled with emotion, but you managed to smile. "Seb, we've been through so much together. I wouldn't have it any other way. Best friends for life, right?"

"Best friends for life," he echoed, his smile brightening. He squeezed your hand, then let it go to raise his glass. "To new beginnings, and to us,always having each other's backs."

You clinked glasses, taking a sip of the crisp wine. It was a moment of pure contentment, surrounded by the beauty of the countryside and the warmth of Sebastian's friendship. The future was uncertain, but with your best friend by your side, you knew you could face anything together.

As the sun continued to set, casting long shadows and a soft glow over the landscape, you couldn't help but feel a pang of bittersweet longing. You would always love Sebastian, but for now, being his best friend was enough.

In that quiet moment, with laughter and dreams filling the air, you silently promised yourself that you would cherish every second of this new chapter. After all, life was about the journey, not the destination and with Sebastian by your side, the journey was sure to be extraordinary.

Hope you liked it, comment how it was (I don't bite I promise) and I have And I have a lot of drafts so if you want I can post it ;3

#sebastian vettel x you #sebastian vettel x reader #sebastian vettel imagine #sebastian vettel #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 fanfic

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siampie · 4 months

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Risk and Reward||Chapter 3: Scared Of Love

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary: You finally decide to drop the "let's be friends," after your coffee date with Matthew. And you both admit your mutual attraction.

Warnings/tags: angst, fluff, mutual pining, idiots in love, childhood trauma, slight mention of emotional abuse

A/N: Originally, this chapter was supposed to feature teasing Matt but Reader kindly reminded me that things between her and Matt aren't there yet. Those things take time. So, the chapter title changed and I think it’s a little angsty but it fits the story. Also, this song is the one that inspired this fic. Not entirely satisfied with this chapter but I still like it. I hope you enjoy it.

PS: And don’t worry, teasing Matt will make an appearance but a little further down the line.

Previous Chapter || Chapter List || Next chapter

Masterlist || Join my tag list

Tag list: @marytheweefrenchie, @sunflowersandsapphires, @abbyhaslongshorts, @schneeflocky, @danzer8705

Dividers by @cafekitsune

Song the title is referring to:

Don’t come any closer

Till I tell you that it’s over

‘Cause I rather be alone than be a wreck

We’re both playing with fire

And you’re the one holding the lighter

But if we never start, we’ll never end

Matt had a soft smile on his face, sitting across from you. Your hands were around your warm cup. You couldn’t see his sightless eyes but you knew they were on you. You took a sip before you could answer his question.

“I wanted to be a housewife when I was a kid.” You chuckled when he gave you an incredulous look. “I wanted to be like my mother.” You clarified. “I thought she was doing the greatest job in the world. Taking care of her children and loving them. I wanted to be just like her.”

“What change?” Matt reached out for his cup.

“Well,” You sighed. “When I was eleven, she walked out on us. With no explanations and no goodbyes. So, I sorta decided on another career path.”

“You didn’t want to be like her anymore.” Matt stated quietly.

“Not really. My dad had grown a bad habit of constantly comparing me to her, you know.” You spoke. “It was always negative. And it was always me, specifically. My siblings never got compared to her. Never really understood why.”

When you were younger, right after your mother had walked away, you and your father had gotten into lots of fights. You were both lashing out at each other. Both grieving a loss, both angry and not knowing how to deal with those emotions; you both lashed out. But every time you fought back; he would compare you to your mother. He called you unloving, ungrateful, disloyal. His words had cut deep within you, leaving open wounds that had yet to heal. And all these years of taking care of him, of the home, and of your siblings, stemmed from a need to prove him wrong. You were loving, grateful and loyal. You made sure he knew. You made sure he knew that he was wrong. He had to know.

That need within your heart to prove your father wrong, had mostly come from fear. A fear that he would abandon you just like your mother did. So, you did everything you could to give him a reason to stay. A reason to love you as much as you loved him.

You felt his calloused hand on yours. His hand felt rough but gentle. Your heart skipped a beat. “Your father was wrong to do this. you were only a child. You were hurting as much as he was."

“I know that now." You spoke softly. "But I didn't then. I suppose when you are a kid, you trust the grown-ups around you to protect you, and comfort you. You don't expect them to use their words to hurt you."

“I know what you mean," Matt said.

“You do ?”

“When I lost my father, I was sent to the orphanage." He answered. "The Nuns did not really know how to deal with me—and the person they chose to do so—wasn't really the best."

“Was he blind like you?”

“Yeah,” He nodded. “He taught me everything I know.”

He looked uncomfortable as though he had said too much already. As though, he had let it slip. You had caught him off guard. You didn't push though. Instead, you hummed quietly.

“How did you lose your father? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“He was shot when I was nine.” Matt adjusted his glasses. “He was a boxer, you know. My dad. He lost more than he won, before he, uh—but he could take a punch.” He said fondly. “He always told me ‘It ain’t how you hit the mat, it’s how you get up.’”

You loved the way he spoke of his father. Every word was dripping with love and admiration. But most of all with pride. And aside all of that, there was a pain behind his words, the pain it still felt at the loss.

“That’s a good motto to go by in life.” You observed, your lips turning up at the corner. “I like that. No matter how many times you get knocked down, just keep on getting back up.” You wove your fingers with his, and gave a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure he would have been proud of you. As much as you are of him.”

“Barely, but thanks.” He smiled at you. He refused to take the compliment. You were not the only one who had demons, it seemed.

“He truly would have been proud of you, Matthew. You’re a good man.” You assured him. His sightless gaze dropped to the table, a faint smile on his face. “Are you going shy on me, Murdock?” You teased him.

He chuckled before adjusting his glasses. “You have a—um—a way of doing this.”

“Making you go shy?”

“Among other things.” His lips twitched up at the corner.

You ran your tongue over your lips. His words had a way to make you blush. Just three words but with so much more meaning behind them.

“Is it a bad thing that I do?”

“No, I—I find it refreshing. Keep me on my toes." He joked.

“Oh.” You let out breathless, your eyes landed on your interlaced fingers. His thumb brushed over yours, in a back-and-forth motion. “This starts feeling like date and not so much like two friends catching up over coffee.”

“Would it be so bad if it was?” Matt questioned softly.

“No, I don’t think it would—it’s just—” You paused.

“Yeah?”

You like Matt Murdock. So, would it be so bad if this was a date? Short answer. No. It wouldn’t be. The conversation was easy between the two of you. You two were now leaning over the table. Your fingers were woven together. And it all felt natural. You had opened up to him more freely than you had with others. He already knew more about you than Amelia did. Was there any point in keeping this “let’s be friends,” thing going?

“Just not today.” You told him. “Maybe next time?”

“Are you asking me on a real date?” He smirked.

“Yeah.” Your eyes dropped to the table. Your neckline started to feel warm, your heart was hammering, trying to escape from your ribcage. “Only—if you want to.” You tucked your hair behind your ear with your free hand.

“I was going to ask you the same thing.” He huffed out a laugh.

You scoffed. “You still can.” And you smirked.

Matt walked you home as he had done before. You stood facing him, at the bottom of the stairs that led into your building. His hand slid down your arm, to grip your hand. He stepped closer to you. Your eyes roamed his face before settling on his red tinted glasses.

“I like you.” Matt said.

“I like you too.” You smiled at him.

“I would like to take you out on a date.”

“I thought you’d never ask.” You teased him.

He chuckled. “How does dinner sound? Next weekend?”

“Sounds great.” You nodded, smiling.

“Yeah?” He grinned before his forehead touched yours. Your eyes fell shut at the contact.

“Yeah.” You breathed out.

He had let go of your hand. His fingers gently grazed against your neck, before making their way to your jaw. He ran his thumb on your cheek. His nose brushed against yours. His breath was fanning over your lips. Your hands moved to his solid chest. You opened your eyes, they landed immediately on his lips. You could lean in and kiss him. You could just give into the desire to feel his lips against yours. You could. You wanted to. But you just couldn’t bring yourself to close the gap between you. So, instead, you pulled away from him. You cleared your throat.

“Will you let me know when you get home?” You asked him quietly.

“I will.” He cleared his throat, and pushed his glasses back onto his face. “I’ll call you, all right?”

“Okay.” You nodded as he stepped away from you, your hands falling back to your sides. “Have a good day, Matthew.”

“You too.” He smiled at you before turning to leave.

Matthew Murdock liked you. And you liked him too. It was a first for you, really. The butterflies in your stomach had not fizzled out. If anything, they had only grown stronger. Just the thought of him stirred them awake. And yet, you were mad at yourself for not giving in to the desire to kiss him. You had wanted to do it. You just had to lean in. Why didn’t you?

Your brain was constantly working against you. You were able to counter it most days. When it was work related, it was quite easy. But when it came to intimacy, not so much. You spiraled down a pit of self-doubt. Always. Were you supposed to kiss him now? This wasn’t a date. This was two friends catching up over coffee. And yes, his face was really close to yours but did it mean he wanted to kiss you? What if you had read the signs wrong? And did you know how to kiss? No one had ever complained before but would it be good enough for him?

You slammed your hands down on your kitchen counter. “Give it a rest.” You grabbed your spoon, and shovel down a mouthful of ice-cream. “He’s going to call you. He’ll set up a date and a time. And you’ll kiss him then.” You spoke to yourself. “Yeah, if I’d grown a pair since then.”

Your phone rang next to you. Your heart picked up in anticipation. This was it; he was calling you like he had said. You took a deep breath and grabbed your phone. You checked the caller ID to make sure it was him. It was Amelia. Your shoulders slumped, in disappointment. You also suddenly felt stupid. It had only been two days. He’d call when he’d call, right? And he was a lawyer. He was probably busy.

“State mental institution, which patient do you wish to speak with?” You answered the phone.

“Hilarious.” She said dryly. “Pretty Boy hasn’t called you yet?”

“Nope.” You took another spoon of ice-cream.

“How loud are they?”

“Pretty loud.” You sighed miserably. “I shouldn’t have agreed to it.” You felt the tears pricked at the corner of your eyes.

“What?!” Amelia exclaimed. “No, don’t do that. Don’t do that.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You are.” Amelia said. “Something good happened to you. Something good is happening to you. Matt likes you and you like him. He said he will call you. And he will. So, don’t do the self-pity thing, please.”

“It’s not self-pity. It’s reality.” You argued moving to your couch. “Something good happened, I let myself enjoy it for two seconds. And now—”

“Nothing.” Amelia cut you off. “Nothing bad is going to happen. Something good is happening to you.”

You did not believe her. In your experience, each time you had felt some sort of happiness, it was either ripped away from you or something terrible happened to your family. You felt as though you were being punished by God for feeling some sort of joy. As though you were not allowed to.

Or maybe you were exaggerating, Making a mountain out of molehill. What was the most rational thing? Amelia was most likely right. Matt Murdock would call you. He said he would. He was a lawyer, and he might have gotten busy with work. And it was only Tuesday, after all. Matt would not lie to you.

“Do you want to come over?” You asked her.

“Tequila or Vodka?”

“None of the above.”

“You’re right. I’ll bring both.”

Red pen at the ready. Music blaring in your ears. Drowning out the chatter of your colleagues, the buzzing of the light. You were focused on your recent manuscript; a young adult fantasy. Young adults’ books were one of your favorite genres, when written well. When the plot made sense. But when it didn’t, it drove you up the wall. This one did not exactly do it for you. It wasn't bad, but overall, it was quite a good read. But not exactly your cup of tea. That wasn’t why you were paid. You were paid to proofread the book. You were paid to review errors, not to review the plot.

Your music stopped playing when your phone rang. You took off your headphones and answered the call.

“Welcome to the complaint hotline. Press 1 for minor annoyances. 2 for full-on ranting.” You announced in your best imitation of a customer service voice.

“Complaint hotline?” It was Matt. He sounded confused.

You gasped and straitened in your seat as though he could see you. “Hello Matthew!”

He broke into a chuckle. “Hello to you too. Sounds like you’re having fun?”

“It’s just a silly joke. I thought it was Amelia.” You explained quickly. “I forgot to check the caller ID.” You mumbled under your breath.

“Filtering calls, I see.

"I'm not - I just -," You fumbled to form an answer. You heard him laugh through the phone. “What can I do for you, Matthew?” You dropped your forehead in the palm of your hand.

“I wanted to make sure we were still on for this weekend.” He replied. “Dinner on Saturday night?”

You were thrilled that the date was happening still. You were even more thrilled that he had called as he had said he would. Your face broke into a smile. “Sounds great.” You softly answered.

“At seven?” He offered.

“Perfect.” Your smile only deepened.

“I’ll meet you at your place and we can walk there.”

“And where are you taking me?”

“There’s a Thai restaurant by my place. I thought we could go there.” Matt told you.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“Good, so do I.” He admitted. “I’ll see you on Saturday, then?”

“Gladly. I’ll see you on Saturday.” You bit your bottom lip. “Have a good day, Matthew.”

Previous Chapter || Chapter List || Next chapter

#matt murdock x reader #matt murdock angst #daredevil x reader #matt murdock #matt murdock fluff #matt murdock fic #matt murdock x you #matt murdock x fem!reader #Spotify

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prototypesteve · 5 months

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1994. A little story about my asexuality being misinterpreted (by a professional) as a disorder, and how that led to years of trouble.

Animation Description: An aromatic-asexual sense pride flag, onto which someone writes "So the thing is… I don't think I've ever had what my friends say would qualify as a real crush, and even after four years of college I still haven't started dating, but maybe the weirdest part is that I've never wanted to." Then, abruptly and violently black paint is spattered across the message and in white text someone superimposes the dismissive message "It's just low self esteem! – Expert opinion"

In 1994, I went to see a counsellor.

What happened was some friends and I were just talking about life. We were all in our early 20s, and so of course sex came up, and I confided that no, I hadn’t had it yet. In fact, I hadn’t even been on anything that would qualify as a date, yet.

I’ve always had good luck with friends. Instead of teasing me about it, one of them gave me the name of a counselling clinic, because they thought it might be worth checking that everything was okay, and there wasn’t something getting in the way. (It was the 1990s, and Generation X didn’t have taboos about getting help.) So I made an appointment.

I described what we’d now call textbook aromantic asexuality. I explained that I was 22, and hadn’t yet been in a relationship. I hadn’t even had anything like a crush. I hadn’t experimented; no kisses on a dare. I had pretty good friendships with guys and girls, but nothing closer than friendship. I felt “behind schedule,” especially because my friends all found it odd that I was still inexperienced.

The counsellor gently asked if I felt it was because I wasn’t allowed to be “experienced”. They noted that I referred to everything euphemistically. Experienced. Relationship. Spark. Feelings. Dating. I never said love, sex, aroused, boyfriend, or girlfriend. I never said romance. Was it because my parents had some strict taboos around seeing girls while I was just fresh out of college, when I should be focused on my career? (I’m half Japanese so that was plausible.) Was it because I felt I wasn’t allowed to love the people I felt attracted to, because I might have been gay or bisexual and hiding that? (Also a fair question, because, sadly, the 90s still weren’t a safe or fair time for my gay and lesbian friends—I didn’t know that I knew any bi or trans people at the time, although I’m sure I did.)

I thought about it. The honest answers were no. My family didn’t make me feel like dating was inappropriate or wasteful, and I just didn’t feel anything “special” for any of my guy friends (and I had guy friends who were comfortable telling me they were gay).

I went on. I explained that I felt happy. I didn’t see any obvious signs of depression or illness or anything. All I felt was a little embarrassed about being so far behind all my friends. Not dating, not “feeling the spark”, not having a “type,” and not having any thoughts on a future family all made me feel immature, and like maybe I had some kind of developmental thing going on. I knew what all those things were. I wasn’t some sheltered or repressed prude. I just wasn’t doing any of that stuff. Not even the perfectly innocent stuff like having a crush, or even really having a “type.”

But it was 1994 and counsellors didn’t have asexual or aromantic on their list of things it might be. So the best the counsellor could guess was that I just didn’t feel good about myself. It must have been low self esteem. (The early 90s still reeked of the yuppie success-or-die greedhead era.) Their guess was that I might have felt my sexuality was something I didn’t feel I had earned the right to access yet, evidenced by my using euphemisms to describe love, romance, and sexuality.

They suggested I read “Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy” by David Burns, and not worry, because some people are just late bloomers.

And I left there, redirected away from a truth that neither of us knew about. And it would be nearly thirty years before I “reopened the case”, and asked the same questions and got a better answer: Some people experience little to no sexual or romantic attraction. They aren’t necessarily repulsed by sex, or driven away by trauma. They might even have perfectly natural responses to sexual stimuli either alone or with others, but they just don’t feel “I want that, and I want it with this specific person, or this specific sort of person”. They call those people aromantic and/or asexual, based on a presumption that romantic and sexual attraction can sometimes be experienced independently.

I learned that in 2022.

I needed to know that in 1994.

I know I’ll gradually get over that. But yeah. I feel a lot of things about it. Some of them are bad things. But what I’m going to choose to feel about it is grateful that the person who needed answers in 1994 made it to my answers in 2022, and didn’t fall apart in 2022 when I found those answers.

I didn’t let that lost time break me. I didn’t let the mistakes I made crush me. I didn’t find anyone to blame. (That counsellor in 1994 wasn’t hiding anything from me. The world just didn’t talk about people off the Kinsey Scale.) I didn’t let it derail my faith. Asexuality isn’t a curse, and our confusion and fear about the gift of being different like this isn’t the Gift-Giver’s fault.

I’m just going to keep moving. With answers. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

#aroace #asexual #aromantic #questioning #aromantic asexual #aspec #asexuality

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shortpplfedup · 1 year

Text

Anatomy of a Scene An abdication

Step By Step, Episode 10 Director: Tee Bundit Sintanaparadee Writers: Tan Ekarin Mungmee, Anu Pawich Amnajkasem, Pan Phanita Loetwatthanaphongchai Cast: Ben Bunyapol Likhitamnuayporn (Pat) and Man Trisanu Soranun (Jeng)

I can't let it go, this feeling that the progression from unease to frustration to alarm engendered by this episode is exactly how Tee wanted us to feel, and this scene is the reason I can't let it go. Because after 9 episodes of Jeng doing his best to be The Responsible Adult, he completely abdicates responsibility in this scene. Jeng has been batted about by all the expectations of him and now that he has found some happy solace and a place to rest, he is pretty much unwilling to pick back up the burden of his responsibilities, at the worst possible moment for that. Because in starting a relationship with Pat...Pat who is 10 years younger than him, Pat who works in his family company, Pat who is really just starting his career, Pat who works directly under him, Pat who doesn't come from money and whose livelihood depends on being able to earn a salary, Pat who is in an extremely vulnerable position for all these reasons...in starting that relationship, he needed to assume some responsibility. If nothing else, the responsibility to acknowledge the issues and to discuss and decide together how to handle them. That's where we are in this scene. Pat is now openly asking him to take responsibility for what they've gotten into. Pat's saying things have become untenable. Pat's not asking him to solve the problem for him, but to at least work with him on a plan.

And Jeng bottles it. Spectacularly. First he tries to distract Pat, appealing to his body, using sex to sidestep the issue.

That doesn't work.

Next, he tries to cajole Pat, appealing to his emotions. We can't take a break, I'll miss you too much.

That doesn't work either.

Next he tries to placate Pat, appealing to his brain, proposing a series of unworkable options that don't actually solve the problem. We can just stay away from each other at work. I can find us a secret safehouse. I'll just quit.

Pat demolishes those one by one.

And finally, Jeng just abdicates. He stops trying to appeal to Pat at all. I don't want to talk about this. He lays his head on Pat's chest in a gesture of surrender. He's not dealing with this. He's not taking responsibility.

And Pat just can't understand that, because Jeng is the responsibility guy. He holds this man he's learning to care for, and he looks at him, and he doesn't get it. Because he doesn't actually know Jeng yet, the deepest parts, the parts that are bone weary and utterly fed up of taking responsibility. By refusing to even discuss it, Jeng has put the burden of responsibility on Pat, because this isn't something that can wait for Jeng. Pat's life is falling apart RIGHT NOW, and Jeng has abdicated responsibility for that in his eyes, he's leaving him alone to face the wolves. And Pat's face tells me that he's confused, upset and angry about that.

I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THAT JENG GETS TO BE A PERSON WHO IS MAKING THE WORST DECISIONS RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF A PARAGON OF VIRTUE. I LOVE THAT HE'S JUST A MAN NOT A COLLECTION OF 'GREEN FLAGS'. I am very personally enjoying Jeng's fall from the pedestal, because I think it's necessary for Pat to see him as imperfect, to see him weak, to see his flaws. Because no one can truly love a god.

At this point, I don't know at all if this show is going to stick the landing. I see a possible path, a couple possible paths to that. I see other paths where it collapses under the weight of all its ideas. But I'm not yet done with this tale. I keep running through my head Tee's admonition ahead of the show that this is not a romance story, but a story with a romance in it. We keep saying 'BL' but what if this is...not?

#step by step #step by step the series #anatomy of a scene series #bl meta series

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hotvintagepoll · 3 months

Text

Propaganda

Lauren Bacall (To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Key Largo)—"Just put your lips together...and blow" excuse me ma'am i'm briefly going to turn into a kettle. She's the quintessential Femme Fatale who may betray me in the end but I'd let her it'd be worth it

Gloria Grahame (It's a wonderful life, Oklahoma, Human desire, The Cobweb)—I'm just going to link to this Film Comment article by Donald Chase, who makes the argument more eloquently than I can, although I think Grahame's Ado Annie is more than just the 'flirtatious goofus' he offhandedly describes her as. Between that role and Violet Bick in 'It's a Wonderful Life" she's played two of cinemas best irrepressibly horny ladies. That would be legacy enough for our hot vintage queen, but she is also GLORIOUS in 'In a Lonely Place' and consistently pulls focus from her co-star Humphrey Bogart, famously one of the most charismatic leading men of his day. I think she had even more, and hotter, chemistry with him than he ever had with Lauren Bacall, which is saying a lot I know. Anyway, your honor I love her and I want her to win it all.

This is round 2 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.

[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]

Lauren Bacall:

youtube

"She is soooo neat. And hot. And everything. That one scene in To Have and Have Not where she says "you know how to whistle don't you? You just put your lips together and blow" altered my brain chemistry during media archaeology class and here we are."

"Lauren Bacall was a major lesbian awakening for me. Every picture of her makes it look like she’s about to destroy you physically and emotionally (why is that so hot, I may need help). She had incredible long running chemistry with her husband, Humphrey Bogart, but was an absolute star in her own right. I’ll never be over my crush on her."

"She's got that confident, no-nonsense air about her. She's a boss babe who knows what she wants and gets it DONE. Staunch liberal Democrat her whole life. Campaigned for RFK. From Wikipedia: "In a 2005 interview with Larry King, Bacall described herself as "anti-Republican... A liberal. The L-word". She added that "being a liberal is the best thing on Earth you can be. You are welcoming to everyone when you're a liberal. You do not have a small mind."" Beautiful hair. Beautiful eyes. Beautiful lips. She's just beauty. LISTEN TO HER VOICE. TELL ME THAT'S NOT THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF."

"HER VOICE. Like yeah, she was absolutely stunning but oh my god, I'm obsessed with her voice"

"A gorgeous lady inside and out. One half of an absolute power couple with Humphrey Bogart, tended to him and other actors suffering from malaria whilst filming the African Queen, generally radiated grace and poise throughout her life. Also her last role was in Family Guy so she needs justice for that"

youtube

"The VOICE, the SLINK, the EYES. Woof."

"She was stunning. Tall and beautiful with a distinctive voice and able to carry her own in a male dominated field. She won the heart of millions, including one of Hollywood's most iconic leading men, Humphrey Bogart. Their story was the stuff of legends, and the chemistry between them was apparent in the multiple films they started in together. She personified the film noir dame and yet she also adapted as Hollywood changed. Her career spanned decades, and she was honored multiple times."

Gloria Grahame:

Absolute Hollywood vamp, who had a fine comedic bone. Died far too young and was depicted by Annette Bening in the stellar Film Stars Don't Die in Liverpool

I’ve heard she’s horrendously miscast in Oklahoma (I have not seen it), so if you’re coming in with that framework PLEASE set that aside because gods does this woman shine in a NOIR!! She plays the battered woman more than a full on fatale, but she manages to bring interesting nuance to characters who are written as mere sultry divergences! Also: she’s sultry and an EXCELLENT divergence

She could do sexy, sweet and sinister in the same breath. She was crazy talented and had that lisp that melts me every time.

#gloria grahame #lauren bacall #hotvintagepoll #fuck that old woman #ladies 2 #Youtube

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ljnsdump · 11 months

Text

Everything in Time (Lee Jeno x F!reader)

Jeno x Female reader

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.

Genre: M/F, best friends to lovers, fluff, smut, tiny angst, late 20s established career setting

Warnings: Smut hehe, light edging, daddy kink and everything but no borderline mean and abusive tings, heart break

Word Count: 4,573

This is my nth story, excited for you to read this just because! I loooooove Jeno and I was really excited when I started writing this in my notepad. Hope you enjoy reding it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Read at your own risk!

------

Jeno had just ended a relationship. It was bad, well not so much for him but for his ex. He loved her so much and they've been together for 2 years but Jeno just can't see his future with her. And by future meaning making a family with her, growing old together.

He's overworked himself for this exact reason. He just wants to forget the fact that the pressure of having a family of his own is eating him alive. Jeno spent his nights finishing his papers in his company building. It would just be him who'll be left and the security guards, not even his own assistant. He's constantly being reminded that he's almost 30 now and he's still in young, playful relationships.

That's the time his best friends came in. Jaemin and Y/N.

Jaemin is a surgeon in the making, he's just finishing up his internship as of the moment. He contacted Y/N who was outside the country because he knew that Jeno just needed to relieve his stress.

The three have been best friends ever since grade school up until now and they're the strongest trio everyone has ever seen. At some point in high school the three tied in top 1, their teachers had to verify it again and again to make sure.

"I'm gonna be arriving at around 2 PM on Friday. I have no one to pick me up, can you?" She asks Jaemin on the phone.

He frowns. "That's unfortunately within my shift. I'll just tell Jeno to pick you up. He should be available, he's the only one forcing himself with those schedules trying to be busy."

"Alright. I'll try to call him too."

Y/N packed two large suitcases for this two-day weekend vacation. They rented a small island that has a villa, and of course an amazing beach.

While she's boarding the plane, she calls up Jeno. Oh, and they didn't tell him yet about this vacation nor about her going back home.

He picks up after three rings. "Jeno-ya." She calls him.

"Hmm?"

"I need you to pick me up at the airport at 2 PM. I'm already boarding right now."

Jeno stops everything he's doing. "You're coming here?"

"Yeah, me and Jaem planned a weekend getaway for us. I don't want you to decline because I rarely go home."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could've helped out with the preparations. You know how busy and stressful Jaemin's work can be."

She just loves how her friends are concerned with each other and they always offer each other help without hesitations. "Well, this is somewhat of a surprise for you, you've been MIA and now you're heartbroken. And also a break for Jaemin, you know his work and his fiancee can be bitches sometimes. Don't tell him that I told you that."

Jeno just laughs. "Alright, I'll pick you up. See you soon."

"Thanks, bye."

As soon as the plane lands, she can't contain her excitement. She immediately restarts her phone to refresh the service then texts Jeno.

To: The Unfunny Lee

Plane just landed, can't wait to see you!

She chuckles as she reads the name she saved for his contact number. They used to tease Jeno as the unfunny one before because he gets sulky and pouty right away.

From: The Unfunny Lee

I'm already here waiting for you. See you soon.

And did she ever mention that she's always had the attraction towards him. Jeno always made her feel like a woman. The way he smiles, the lingering stares, the way he talks, it's just different. He's so soft and could never resist her. That's why the attraction just builds up.

Soon enough she got out of the plane and already got her stuff done, she pushes the big baggage cart as she tries to look for Jeno.

She sees her phone ring and Jeno's face pops up on the screen. "Jeno-ya."

"You look smaller than the cart you're pushing." He teases and she immediately turns around to look for him.

"Where are you?" Y/N sees a familiar tall guy wearing black jeans and white pullover walking towards her with his phone on his ear. "Oh, there. Found you." She said and hung up the phone before running to give him a hug. She definitely feels his hard chest and strong arms wrapping around her.

He pats her and says, "Welcome back, shorty. You've grown but not the height." Laughing and pinching her cheek. "How are you? You haven't contacted me for so long." He goes to push her cart for her going out.

"Well, I'm doing good. Business is also good. I kinda distanced myself from you guys because I know you had girlfriends and we wouldn't want them to misunderstand, right?"

Jeno admiringly glances at her. She's always been so considerate and respectful. "Right. But how about you? Relationships?"

She snorts. "I could only wish."

"Why not?"

"They're not for me."

Jeno offered his place for her which she gladly accepted. She hasn't booked any hotel yet actually just because she was lowkey hoping that Jeno would just let her crash for a night before they depart early in the morning.

At night, Jeno, Jaemin, Y.N and Winter, Jaemin's fiance, just decided to meet up at Jeno's place. They ordered a lot of take-outs and bought a couple bottles of beer.

Y/N walks around Jeno's house while waiting for the two. It's just him and a security guard on the compound actually and it's pretty big. She stops by the pool, watching the reflection of the stars on the water.

"How's my place so far?" Jeno asks.

She nods. "Pretty cool. Can't believe it's just you living in a house this big."

"Well, it makes me feel good, you know. It makes me feel that I've succeeded and I can get whatever I want, well most of them."

"Why not all?"

He sighs and stares at her a little longer before saying, "Some are just too hard to reach."

She pretends like she didn't just feel hopeful for a second that she's who he's pertaining to. Jeno just received a text from Jaemin saying they're there already.

"They're here." He says.

"Let's go." They walk together back to the dining area. "You okay? I heard a lot, you know." She asks.

He just crosses his arms and shrugs. "I'm okay."

"I hope you know that it's okay to still be confused and unsure at this age we are in right now. There's really no need to rush, Jeno."

"I wish I could say that to my parents."

"I'll say that to your parents if you can't."

And she's always been strong-minded, and firm. She always knows what she's doing.

When they see Jaemin and Winter in the kitchen preparing the food they bought, Y/N runs to them and gives both a hug. "Hi! OMG, I'm finally seeing you both!"

Jaemin hugs her back. "How was the flight?"

"Tiring. I can't wait to pass out."

"Then just stay here for good so you don't have to fly back and forth."

Her lips purse as her eyes squints in doubt. "There's a lot to consider, not to mention the amount of work. But I've been thinking of it."

"Jeno-ya, talk to her about it. You're the one who knows more about business than me."

Jeno just sits on the table before them. "If she wants to stay, she'll stay."

She turns to him with a knowing smile. "You want me to stay?" But he just shrugs.

"When is this thick cloud of sexual tension between you two ever gonna end?" Jaemin shakes his head.

The night got deeper and it was time to go for Jaemin and Winter. They watched the two get in their car before they head in.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Jeno asks invitingly.

Y/N smiles and looks up to him. "With wine and chocolates?"

"Hell, yeah."

While Y/N picks the movie, Jeno goes to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses then he gathers different kinds of chocolates on a board and brings all of them to the center table in the living room.

She runs to her room and grabs her blanket then goes back to the couch with Jeno. She puts it over both of them and leans to him as the movie starts.

"Thought you were tired?" He asks with a low voice.

"I am." She replies. "I'm probably gonna sleep before the movie ends."

Just a few minutes in, silence filled the room. But it's a tense silence, it's like they're just waiting for each other to say something.

Jeno sighs. "Are you not gonna tell me why you stopped contacting me?"

"You know me, Jeno. I distanced myself from you and Jaem because you guys were already in your own relationships. I just don't want your girlfriends to misunderstand." She explains.

"Why would you lie?"

She turns to him. "What do you mean?"

"You never stopped your contact with Jaemin. I asked multiple times."

Busted. She knows she's busted. "Okay, fine. I stopped contacting you like 4 years ago? That was when you started that casual relationship you had even before Lia." She pauses trying to remember the name. "That girl, was that Karina? Because I knew you'd never see me like how you see her or any other girls in your life. I was so into you and you were too dumb and oblivious to notice. Maybe you were blinded by her or whatever but it doesn't matter anymore. I don't feel that way for you anymore." Her voice shakes at her last statement. That's a lie.

His jaw clenches. "Why didn't you tell me? Everyone fucking knew that I had a thing for you. I was just waiting for you to tell me that you wanted me too."

"I-- I thought that was a joke! You never made it clear, you always smiled or laughed whenever someone mentions it, how am I supposed to know?! You were always flirty with everyone."

"It was true. I was only into you and I only started seeing Karina when you stopped replying or answering my calls."

Her breathing is ragged. She doesn't know what to do, and she's very upset. Why didn't he tell her before? "Whatever."

"Can you feel that it's still you though?" He asks all of a sudden.

But Y/N shakes her head. "It's not that simple anymore, Jeno. I've got someone waiting for my answer in Chicago, I agreed for this vacation because I needed space. I needed time to think."

Jeno couldn't get past the part where she said she has someone waiting for her answer in Chicago. Is he too late? "Y--You have a boyfriend?"

Y/N sighs. "Let's stop talking about this."

They stopped talking but Jeno can't stop thinking about it. He suddenly got so nervous, what if her boyfriend is already proposing to her? What if she says yes? He always thought that his endgame would be her because he honestly can't imagine life with a family without her. Jeno fills his glass with wine and drinks all of it at once.

She slept in his arms, and he just watched her unsure of what to do. He was not able to focus on the movie, all he thought about was her and the missed opportunities. He could've had her without a doubt. He could've.

"Fuck my life." He murmured before picking her up bridal style to bring her to her room. He didn't want to close the door but he had to.

Y/N wears a pair of denim shorts and her dark blue bikini top while Jeno wears white muscle tanks and board shorts. A van comes to pick them up early in the morning, Jaemin is already there.

"Hi!" Y/N greets him excitedly when she enters the vehicle and he fist bumps with Jeno.

They had to travel for 2 hours going to the dock because they had to stop to get groceries and it just felt like minutes because they were just talking and jamming the whole time.

Jeno set his feelings aside because he knew the two set this up for him.

They then ride a speedboat going to the island and it just took them like 10 minutes to get there. Their guide did his job, walking them around, guiding and telling them about some things and guidelines about the island that they have to know.

It's a good thing that they did their shopping because it's literally just them on the island but of course, they can still call if they need something.

"Hey!" Y/N calls the two from the beach. "Let's swim! The water is so pretty! I wanna cry! Ahhh! Ya! Na Jaemin! Lee Jeno!"

The two were arranging their things inside the villa but just laughed, so done while looking at each other when they heard her yell. When they came out, she's already climbing the rocks because there's a big slide on it going to the waters.

"Hey, be careful." Jeno calls out to her.

"Don't worry." She yells at him. Then sat on the edge of the slide, sliding her way down, screaming and waving her hands up high. She splashed on the waters and she's never felt so alive. "Oh my god, what are you two doing, just standing there?!"

Jaemin runs to the waters right away while Jeno took off his shirt first, exposing his let me just say fucking gorgeous, unbelievably hot body that made Y/N look away and blush. But of course they didn't notice.

They just float on their backs for several minutes as they talk and watch the clear skies.

"Can we buy this island so that we can just come here whenever we want?" Y/N jokes.

The sun is setting, they're also preparing for their outdoor barbeque. Y/N is inside, preparing the meats, Jaemin is preparing the fire while Jeno is digging the sand to form a round table and seats for them.

Jeno eventually goes into the kitchen where Y/N is. "You good?"

"Yeah, can you put iced water on the cooler then add the bottle of beer so it'll cool?"

"We have ice?"

"There's a big freezer at the back, they have a lot here."

When Jeno came back he was in a hurry. "Y/N! Y/n, the sky outside is really beautiful because of the sunset, wanna see?"

"Yeah." She immediately washes her hands on the sink before wiping it on her apron. "Lemme grab my phone and camera first."

"Jaemin-ah! We're going to the other side to watch the sunset! Let's go!" Jeno yells at his other friend.

"Yup, coming!"

Y/N sets up her tripod and they take a couple of shots together. "Let's stay for a few minutes." She sits on the sand and the two follow.

"We don't see this everyday." Jaemin says.

"We could." Jeno rebels. "But we're too busy."

Night came, they're a little tipsy, cheeks flushed and they're laughing their asses off as they eat and cook at the same time because of Jaemin's antics.

"We've always been a trio." He says. "Jeno plays the guitar, you sing, and I dance."

"A trio with different talents."

"Yeah, so while you both are doing your things, I just dance beside you. Even interpretative dance if needed." He flares his hands out mimicking a ballerina.

"Remember when we signed up for the homecoming party committee just so we can get free food?" Jeno looks back, laughing. "Y/N ate a lot."

Y/N slaps his bare arm. "Ya! It's not like you didn't. It's not my fault they had so much food."

"And during graduation practice, do you remember? Y/N fell--" Jaemin couldn't continue what he's saying because Y/N tackles him.

"Shut up!" Trying to cover his mouth. "Don't talk about that."

"You rolled down the stairs." Jeno continues while laughing. "Good thing it was just us."

"We just finished lunch and they kept texting us saying the practice had already started. We were in a hurry!" She tries to defend herself.

"It was so funny but we didn't have time to laugh enough."

Later on, Jeno's playing the guitar and they're singing to old songs that they used to play together. He looks at her fondly as she tries to reach the high note and does it flawlessly.

"You've gotten so good." He says and she just smiles in response.

It's past midnight, Jeno and Y/N are cleaning up because Jaemin passed out. His alcohol tolerance really decreased after a long time since he hasn't drank a lot.

"Jeno-ya." Y/N calls Jeno from outside.

He goes out to her. "Hmm?"

"How about Jaemin?"

"I'll help him through the stairs later." He reassures her. "How about you, are you good?"

"Yup, pretty good. Happy. Sleepy."

"Don't forget to change, brush your teeth, wash off the sea water."

She nods. "Yeah, I'll do that right now."

When she was done in the bathroom, she went upstairs to their shared bedroom. It's a big room with a big customized bed for an entire family, it can fit up to 6 people. Jaemin is already sleeping on it while Jeno is on his phone, waiting for her to finish so he could use the bathroom too.

"I'm done, Jen."

He looks up cutely like a puppy, obviously looks sleepy already. He goes downstairs with his things. Later on, when he comes back, Y/N and Jaemin are on each side of the bed which means he has to be in the center. He crawls in slowly, Y/N turns to look at him.

"I thought you were sleeping already." He whisper-yells.

She whispers back to him, "You look like a puppy."

"What does that mean?"

"You look cute." She notices that he's so far from her. Not that she minds, the bed is big so they get to sleep however they want but he's really far. "Why are you so far away? Wouldn't Winter be jealous to see you too close to Jaemin?" She jokes.

He just shrugs. "If we're close together, I may not stop myself from cuddling with you."

"I wanna cuddle with you though." She pouts.

"Stop that." He says authoritatively.

She whines, "Why?"

"You said you have a boyfriend."

Her eyebrows furrow. "I never said that."

"Yesterday, you said you have someone in Chicago waiting for your answer."

Y/N laughs. "Idiot. He's just a casual partner, just like how you and Karina were." Indirectly explaining that they're fuckbuddies. "He said he's developing feelings for me, I can't reciprocate that."

And suddenly his chest loosens up. He was able to breathe a little better now. "Casual partners? For how long?"

"Two years. I have needs too, Jeno Lee."

"Well, you made it sound like he's proposing to you so that's why I thought about it."

"Stop talking and just cuddle with me." His warmth hovers over her and she smiled when she felt his arm scoop her close to him. "You've been waiting for this, haven't you?" She mumbles and she snuggles as well.

Jeno buries his head on her neck. "Since fucking high school."

"Stop lying."

But he tickles her tummy lightly making her giggle and squirm. Jaemin who was sleeping mumbles, "Can you two fuck somewhere else? I want to sleep."

"Ya! We're just talking!" Y/N immediately defends.

"He's asleep, he doesn't know what he's saying." Jeno whispers, holding her down. "Sleep, Aya."

Her eyes beamed. He's never called her that ever since she left for Chicago. She turns around to see him with excitement on her face. "You're calling me Aya again." She mentions.

Jeno looks down at her sparkling eyes, holding the urge to kiss her forehead. "You've always been my ligaya."

"You keep saying those things but you actually had other girls before me."

"Remember during college, I don't ever allow you to enter my room."

"Yes, because you hid your drugs there?" She grumpily whines but he just smiled.

"I never wanted you in my room because when I saw you once sitting on the edge of my bed like an innocent girl, I almost couldn't stop myself." He groaned in her ear that gave her goosebumps. "Seeing you in my bed, fuck I'd die for that."

She nibbles on her lip as her eyes widen. "I'll sleep." Then she turns her back on him, now feeling his hard on against her ass.

"Yeah."

Jaemin was the one to wake up first, he sees the two spooning and quickly snaps a pic and sends it to their own group chat before he leaves the room and goes to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Jeno was the first one to wake up, he just let his arm drape around her, hugging her like a pillow. And just minutes later, she wakes up too.

"Do you like that guy from Chicago?" He asks half-asleep.

Y/N rubs her eyes and looks at him with squinted eyes to make sure he's not sleep talking only to find out that the man beside her is topless.

Then sighs. "I can't. I could never imagine myself being his girlfriend, but I am just scared to reject him. We've been in that kind of casual, non-committal relationship for a long time and he's always there when I need him."

"Good."

She chuckles. "Why?"

"You said you have needs, right?" He whispers. "I'm pretty sure I can satisfy you better than anyone else."

"You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?" Jeno didn't say anything. He just stood up and went to lock the door. "I was just kidding." She laughs and stands up immediately but he grabs her before she could run away.

He held her with both her arms tightly, planting feathery kisses on her jaw. "You smell so good, baby." Then his kisses go down to her neck and she just wants to melt into a puddle.

She just loves how his warmth wraps around her. "Jaemin might come."

"You'll tell him." Jeno picks her up and traps her against the wall as their lips crash with each other, turning and twisting their tongues together. His kisses then left her mouth, to her cheeks, then to her ear. "I'm gonna satisfy the fuck out of your needs, baby." She feels the smirk on his face that gives her chills.

Then he brings her to the bed. She takes off her top revealing her perked up mounds. Y/N looks up to him, batting her eyelashes like an innocent girl and it drives him crazy. His neck is all red, he's so ready to ruin her but just holding himself back. She slowly removes her pajama shorts and cotton thongs as well. Y/N lays back with her arms supporting her weight while not breaking their eye contact. "All yours, Lee."

He could've sworn his cock throbbed after hearing that. Jeno's jaw twitched a little as he ran his fingers through his locks. "Good." He replies then grabs her ankle pushing her to turn and now she's on her back, ass up. Jeno is getting the best view of her ass and glistening pussy. His hand caresses her inner thigh for a few seconds before redirecting his fingers to her very wet core making her squirm and whimper in pleasure.

Rubbing circles, now she's helpless. He feels how needy she is because he hasn't even done anything aside from rubbing her and now she's looking so fucked out and a moaning mess for him, rubbing herself against his fingers too. "I-- I need y--your fingers. Please. Jeno. Please." He can't help but lick his bottom lip, he just wants to devour her right now, he wants to own her, he wants to be in her, he wants to feel her, he wants to be the only one who can make her feel this way.

"As you wish, love." He inserts two fingers, pumping it fast in her and she's moaning uncontrollably. "Shh. Jaemin might hear." Y/N tries to bite her bottom lip to suppress the moans. She pulls her own hair and massages her tits.

Jaemin goes up the stairs, trying the door knob a couple of times but it's locked. "Jeno-ya, Y/N, breakfast is ready."

"Answer him." He growls on to her ears without stopping his fingers from fucking her. Y/N's eyes widen, Jaemin will know for sure. But he stops. "I said, answer him."

"Jae--" His cock suddenly slips into her, making her moan and Jaemin definitely heard it. "Jaem, I-- we-- you can eat ahead!" Then she dunks her face on to the soft pillows biting them hard. "Jeno, please." Consecutive moans came out from her lips and that was Jaemin's cue to leave.

"You're so fucking warm, Aya." He pulls her hair hard, making her lookup as he pounds hard into her. "No one will ever satisfy you the way that I do. Not even your Chicago boy."

It was too much for her, he was relentless and powerful. All the sexual frustrations that were pent up for years are finally revealed. And he's literally tearing her in half with his size.

"I've been imagining this day, me drilling into your dripping pussy and it's even better than what I have imagined."

She couldn't respond or say anything, she likes how he's fucking her dumb.

"Jen, cumming. I'm cumming." She pants, grasping into the sheets tighter while he rubs her clit with his free hand.

"Not until I cum. Fuck--- Aya, you're so fucking gorgeous."

"Please. Please. Please. Fill me up, daddy. I need you to fill me up." It's like Jeno got possessed with some kind of devil, he's pounding into her harder than before like she pushed a button.

"I'm gonna fuck you full of my cum. Let go, babygirl." Strings of white liquid spurts out from his tip in her as her orgasm also washes through her. And when he pulled out, white liquid came flowing out of her pussy. "Next time I'm buying you a plug."

Y/N drops to the bed, tired and weak. Her cheeks are flushed, sweating and breathless, just like how Jeno imagined and it gave him an assurance that he definitely fucked her real good.

Jeno plops on the bed beside her, she smiles weakly at him, covering her body with the sheets. They stay looking at each other's eyes.

"Stay." He mumbles. "I want you to stay. I don't want to keep missing you." She feels her heart inflating and her stomach being filled with butterflies. The fact that he's being vocal about this right now and not just staying quiet like how he usually is when it comes to his feelings. "But if you don't want t--"

"I'll do everything I can so I can stay." She cuts him off. "You're gonna be mine this time." She promises.

Jeno smiles and pulls himself close to her then plants a kiss on her forehead. "I'm all yours, Aya. You know how obsessed I am with you, I'm going nowhere without you."

"Jaemin is never talking to us again."

"He'll just need a night with Winter."

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