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paradoxcase · 9 months

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Chapter 2 of Harrow the Ninth

I think I was too quick to complain about Harrow's POV, I learned a lot of interesting things in this chapter about the world and its history, and have strong suspicions of some additional things

This is a great question, which I notice was not answered

I gather this must be Mercymorn? Anyway, it looks like the steles are also used for radio communication in addition to FTL travel

I guess she got this idea from seeing the Body with a sword strapped to her back?

I've been noticing this throughout the last book but kept forgetting to comment on it, but people mostly seem to measure largish things in terms of "bodies", it's been happening since like the very first chapter of Gideon the Ninth. But I notice earlier in this book that Harrow described the sword as being "six feet" rather than something like "one body"

So, he does go on to explain why he can't return to the Nine Houses, but he never explains why he can't resurrect more people. This makes me wonder if it wasn't actually the deaths of the planets that spawned the revenants, but the resurrection itself? They are called Resurrection Beasts after all

Osmosis is when the concentration of something on two sides of permeable membrane is unequal, so some stuff moves from one side to the other to equalize it. If souls are thalergy, and living humans are probably sources of high thalergy concentration and the River has low thalergy concentration, why do souls only osmos into the River at death? Shouldn't they be osmosing all the time? Or is this going in the direction of "living is just dying, actually"?

Even after reading this whole chapter, I'm not sure what this means. Especially since after reading this whole chapter, I'm fairly certain that the Emperor used to be a regular human at one point

Do all planets have microbial life? I don't think that's necessarily true

It's weird that Harrow thinks this way about her own thought. This makes me wonder if the second person thing actually means that there's some hidden third-party narrator here who has this opinion, the way that the Homestuck Meat Epilogue devolved into unbearable Dirk narration in which Dirk describes his own mouth as "kissable" through Jake's POV

If the Resurrection Beasts hunt people who have consumed other people's souls to gain power, and they are hunting the Emperor most of all, that must mean that he has also consumed a soul to gain power, presumably to become God. Consuming one soul makes you a Lyctor, but at least if we believe the exposition so far Lyctors are less powerful and less immortal than the Emperor (we haven't actually seen him do anything that requires God-like power onscreen). How many souls do you have to consume to become a god? Or maybe it's not a matter of consuming a lot of souls, but consuming a bigger soul, like say... a planet's soul? The Emperor said their were nine planet souls originally, and five have been killed and three still exist. So there is one planet soul that was not killed but also doesn't exist anymore, and I bet, I bet you that he consumed that planet soul the way the Lyctors consumed their cavaliers and that's how he became God. When the Lyctors consume their cavaliers their eye color changes, and the Emperor has those freaky completely black eyes, so I bet it was the same process, just with something that wasn't human. And if I had to guess, I would guess that the consumed planet soul was Earth's, it wouldn't really make sense for it to be a different planet. So then I guess the remaining question is: did all the planets die of some natural disaster and the Emperor just happened to be in the right place at the right time to consume Earth's soul when that happened? Or did he kill Earth intentionally in order to become a God and accidentally fucked up and killed all of the other planets too, creating these eight Resurrection Beasts that are now eternally pursuing him, so he resurrected everyone and created this death religion and some Lyctors who would also be pursued by the Resurrection Beasts so that they were forced to help him defeat them? I mean, he did tell Harrow that she might want to hit him after she found out the truth

So, here we definitely have Gideon's name being replaced in her experience with Ortus's, so this must be after whatever she did to remove Gideon. And obviously his mouth looks strange when he says it because he's actually saying something completely different and the mouth movements don't match up to what she's hearing. And I guess the last two times, he really is saying "Ortus" because Harrow said "Ortus" and now he's confused?

Harrow's hallucination of the Body in this chapter feels like it probably is actually something real. She felt her hand on her back this chapter, she spoke to her, etc. The Body appeared with a sword strapped to her back, she said "you have to learn that sword" and she has Gideon's eye color, which Harrow doesn't seem to recognize anymore. If this is after Harrow did something to remove Gideon and become "half a Lyctor", I bet this Body hallucination is actually Gideon's ghost. I don't know what this is a metaphor for:

but if this is Gideon speaking, and Harrow has removed Gideon at this point, I can guess what Gideon would be telling her to do at this point: to accept her sacrifice and consume Gideon's soul again to return to being a full Lyctor. Gideon repeatedly asked Harrow to siphon her soul and sacrificed herself to save Harrow, so she wouldn't appreciate Harrow trying to save her by hurting herself. And if that's what that means, then Ianthe's dialog in the prologue now makes perfect sense:

She's even telling Harrow that Gideon and Naberius don't matter, so it doesn't matter if their souls get consumed, here.

#the locked tomb #harrow the ninth

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abundantchewtoys · 4 months

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HS^2 re: p534-576

Woof (pun not intended), it's a doozy, this one.

Jade as doting mother was hilariously embarassing. But it seems her reasons to have a child in the first place stem from her intense loneliness, exacerbated by her celebrity status.

Meanwhile, Rose's motivation to carry the child... There's two ways to interpret it. The least complimentary is that she's just as manipulative as Dirk, using her powers to 'okay' a disgraceful decision because she'll be forgiven in the end anyway. I hope she actually wanted to see if she could do something her powers couldn't predict the outcome of. It would mean she's aware of the Candy timeline's nature of decreasing truthfulness, relevance and necessity and is trying to do something about it. The fact that she's so dismissive about Earth C's people, as is Jade, could point in that direction.

In fact, it would seem that, for all that the Candy timeline appeared to be a 'saccharine end state' for most of the kids, they do seem to be aware that even beyond the totalitarian government, there's something else fundamentally wrong with the timeline?

Meanwhlie, Yiffany not talking is so funny when you think about it. Even while we're being her, she's just too cool to lower herself to such base characterizational devices.

Would be funny if she's treated as the teen version of hypothetical older Maggie Simpson of Beyond Canon. Implied to be witty & talkative but never shown. :p

What else? So, uh, Tavros & Yiffany are acquainted, and Yiffy probably got locked up/kept hidden in Tavros' house when she was away from boarding school. Like a perverse Rapunzel. Making Tavros not just her biological uncle but also foster brother, oh jeez. So, uh, it might also mean her enmity with Gamzee's corpse stemmed from actual, in-person interactions with the clown.

Meenah's probably calling to let Rose & Kanaya know that Jane's coming to the meteor too.

So, the Point. I'm assuming it's to do with the device behind the curtain, beneath the meteor.

Spitballing & exchanging theories with Blaperile, I'm assuming it's a way for the Candy people to travel into the Meat timeline.

I wouldn't like it to be one way, for one thing because some people might not want to leave. For another, what would The Influencers even be able to do?

It could be a Sburb copy for the new kids to boot a session with & interact with the Deltritus gang?

Would be funny to have a sort of Hivebent situation going on with 2 separate teams turning out to be entering the same session.

If it's a giant version of the Hiveswap device, maybe the Candy & Meat timeline meteors get swapped (a literal swapping of hives).

Then maybe Candy Earth C with the Meat meteor turns out to be Alternate Calliope's home timeline, and the reverse for Caliborn/Lord English?

It would seem Jade was carrying around a stuffed corpse in her sylladex! Of course Adult Dave (now Davebot) is the most likely person. It could lead to Davebot exploding if his corpse is ever prototyped! But then we'd have a new version of Davesprite...

If it were Candy Dirk, we'd get Dirksprite: aka Arquiusprite minus Equius minus autoresponder.

With how Rose's mom got touched on in the argument, what if Jade had stuffed Mom and Dad? As Blaperile pointed out to me, while John & Jade had a funeral for them pre-retcon, we don't know that they did post-retcon, do we?

No chance for a Johnsprite beyond Terezi prototyping Meat John, though! Would've been funny to have Johnsprite^2 or *2. But unless Jade took John's original body (from his quest bed) from LOWAS before it exploded, we won't have that. As she never found the bodies for John & Davesprite in her timeline.

(Yeah I'm just grasping at straws to get a POV & further fleshing out for Dad, can't help it.)

As for the newspost, turns out I missed the one from Feb 1st. Wow, Vast Error has gotten the Hussie stamp of approval and now falls under the HICU protection and can monetize on their work!

I haven't read it yet, but I know from experience how engaging fanventures can be, so good for them!

And oh geez, so much unvaulted commentary to read on Patreon. :B

#homestuck #homestuck^2 #upd8 #reaction #spoiler alert

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badbedforbedding · 1 year

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Beauty standards in Westeros: wild beauty is beautiful?

Beauty is a huge topic in this fandom, specially in relation to some female characters. And different from the male characters, their physical traits are often put on higher ground than other aspects.

I know that we live in a society obsessed with ~aesthetics~ and with an ideal of beauty that is Eurocentric, ableist, and youthful; so it makes sense that the people (and their opinions) in this fandom reflects these ideals too.

(sigh) Anyway… Westeros is a fictional fantastical world set in a medieval era and this world too holds its sets of standards and ideals regarding beauty, and we can see how they affect the story/journey of some important characters; here I want to focus on the idea of the wild beauty associated with Arya and Lyanna Stark because it's a subjective enough word to cause a lot of confusion.

Now; suppose we all know how detrimental to women these beauty standards are, we cannot ignore that fact that they matter, they were made for a reason, and they serve a purpose in westerosi society:

First, it separates noble from commoners;

A Feast for Crows - Cersei III, Cersei compares Margaerys features to those of common people.

"Even peasant girls are pretty at a certain age, when they are still fresh and innocent and unspoiled, and most of them have the same brown hair and brown eyes as she does."

A Storm of Swords - Jon II, Jon's first impression of Ygritte.

"At a lord's court the girl would never have been considered anything but common, he knew. She had a round peasant face, a pug nose, and slightly crooked teeth, and her eyes were too far apart. Jon had noticed all that the first time he'd seen her, when his dirk had been at her throat."

By these recollections only, it seems like peasants have a certain look that is recognizable and sets them apart from noble people.

Without a deep analyses, we can already conclude that no Stark woman is common looking or plain. Their looks can be set apart from peasants and from among most other houses such as the Tyrell, its pretty signifying of their old noble blood:

Arya Stark - long face, gray eyes, brown hair, skinny and athletic body. Arya has the "wolf blood".

Sansa Stark - high cheekbones, blue eyes and "auburn hair lighter than her mother's".

Catelyn Stark - fair skin, blue eyes and auburn hair.

Lyanna Stark - Long face, gray eyes and brown hair. Slim body and tomboyish. Lyanna had too much of the wolf blood.

Edited: I’m not saying that peasants and common people are ugly, what I’m saying (what I deduced from reading the excerpts) is that compared to noble woman, common women are considered plain by noble people standards.

And the fact that most of these ladies are tied to one of the most traditional and old lineages in Westeros means that they don’t fit the common or plain category by Westeros beauty standards.

Second, it increases women's chance at a good marriage;

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn VI - Edmure and Catelyn talk about his betrothal to Roslin Frey.

"She's prettier than I dared hope." Edmure raised a hand before she could speak. "I know there are more important things, spare me the sermon, septa. Even so . . . did you see some of those other maids Frey trotted out? The one with the twitch? Was that the shaking sickness? And those twins had more craters and eruptions on their faces than Petyr Pimple. When I saw that lot, I knew Roslin would be bald and one-eyed, with Jinglebell's wits and Black Walder's temper. But she seems gentle as well as fair." He looked perplexed. "Why would the old weasel refuse to let me choose unless he meant to foist off someone hideous?"

"Your fondness for a pretty face is well known," Catelyn reminded him.

During the entire ordeal of a betrothal between a Frey daughter and Lord Edmure Tully, the latter complained about being denied of choice.

This is important because it shows exactly how it works for them: High lords who inherit castles and land can choose whichever lady they want, while ladies need to compete among themselves to try and get a good proposal, from where they can find security.

Robert Baratheon was to be Warden of the Stormlands at the time he was entertaining a marriage to Lyanna. Let's be honest now; do you think this asshole, the guy who fucks any pretty thing with a pair of tits without thinking, would settle for anything but a comely lady for a wife?

Of course there is the matter of her name and noble blood at play but just like Edmure, "his fondness for a pretty face was well known" and his feelings for Lyanna too:

"You never knew Lyanna as I did, Robert," Ned told him. "You saw her beauty, but not the iron underneath."

A Game of Thrones - Eddard VII

Edited: I’m not even questioning the physical characteristics that women need to have to be seen as beautiful. I think Edmure Tully’s speech at the quote I picked says a lot already, but in short: the preference that these privileged men show towards certain ladies is enough to know what is the standard held by Westeros society as a whole.

At last and most important, it reinforces the gender roles assigned to woman:

This is not supposed to be a critic to any of the women mentioned or their ways, but a critic of the people who praise certain traits and vilify others less soft ones.

About Elia:

"...the Stark girl, who was by all reports a wild and boyish young thing with none of the Princess Elia's delicate beauty."

"Princess Elia was a good woman, Your Grace. She was kind and clever, with a gentle heart and a sweet wit."

About Margaery:

"The girl no older than Robb, very pretty, with a doe's soft eyes and a mane of curling brown hair that fell about her shoulders in lazy ringlets. Her smile was shy and sweet."

About Sansa:

"Soft-spoken sweet-smelling Sansa, who loved silks, songs, chivalry and tall gallant knights with handsome faces."

Gentle, delicate, sweet, soft-spoken and other variants of these adjectives are used to describe these ladies in particular when mentioning their beauty. All these adjectives are found at the appearance section of their pages on Wiki of westeros.

Westerosy woman have little to no say in the decisions regarding their own lives, noble women are always at the mercy of a father, husband, or another man. They are raised to become two things only: a wife and a mother and again gentle, delicate, sweet, soft-spoken are words often related to motherhood and romance.

Wild, willful, stubborn and outspoken are completely different things from gentle, delicate, sweet and soft-spoken. In fact, they are opposite, and that's where the concept of "Wild beauty" draws so much confusion.

Edited: I’ve seen people interpret wild as unkept, savage, plain and/or ugly. The word in itself is not typically used to refer to one’s appearance, but to landscape or actions. But when the wild beauty idea come in George’s text is always to highlight Lyanna/Arya’s different look as well as character compared to southern ladies.

To use someone else’s perspective that is not their loving brother/father (since this means he is biased and unreliable as a narrator, *sarcasm*):

In The World of Ice and Fire - The Fall of the Dragons: The Year of the False Spring

“The crowning of the Stark girl, who was by all reports a wild and boyish young thing with none of the Princess Elia's delicate beauty, could only have been meant to win the allegiance of Winterfell to Prince Rhaegar's cause, Symond Staunton suggested to the king.”

The juxtaposition of the descriptors Wild x Delicate makes the case stronger when we remember that the delicate quality that Elia had comes from her frail and fragile health.

In conclusion:

Lyanna Stark was a beautiful woman with beautiful attributes, her beauty was well known and no one could deny. On the other hand, she lacked the womanly shape desired from most men and had too much force of will to be accepted by the southern court.

Arya Stark is a girl still growing into her features, her looks, and personality are similar to her aunt's even as a young girl. It's not hard to see that she will become as beautiful as Lyanna was said to be.

The wild beauty is in their physical traits but something else too, more ethereal and impalpable, the wolf blood.

Their wild beauty it's a set of all that Westeros holds as beautiful, added to what they fear the most: a strong, willed mind.

That's it, if anyone read so far: thank you for your patience. I am incapable of being brief. I wrote this with my own memory and research, so if I missed something, feel free to add to it. Also, if you are one of those stans who complain about others calling Arya beautiful: fuck you.

#asoiaf #asoiaf meta #my meta #beauty standards #beauty #arya stark #lyanna stark #I had to add more things to make it clearer i guess #I look like a peasant #:))))

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utopianparadoxist · 11 months

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Hello! I'm excited for things to come! However, I'm also wondering if you plan on editing ur blog theme anytime soon? The asks are currently magenta text on magenta with a bit of a drop-shadow, and your sidebar is plain text on a very busy background and both are difficult to read

Yeah it's sort of a mess I'm actively editing right now tbh, as I go through the midst of this Self-Realignment Ritual/Public facing Rebrand?

Its been a long time since I edited Tumblr themes so I'm doing a sloppy job of it. TBH I'd suggest people interested in my Homestuck content just use my blog as a link to the Apocryphon right now, since it's the most relevant and interesting thing I've done by far atm. Like I've said previously, I'd be happy if people just started talking about that with the #Pumpkin Path or #Pumpkin Track tag. As far as Im concerned, everything else on my blog ATM is a distraction.

Alternatively if they're looking for my analysis work, I'd suggest peeps try checking out my Medium profile. That was always where my best work was hosted; I never managed to port it all to Youtube practically and Tumblr just wasn't as good at letting me use images to supplement arguments.

I have major essays on Rose and Kanaya, Dave and Karkat, Jane Crocker and Gamzee Makara, Dirk Strider, the whole Active/Passive Class system, and Homestuck's influence from stuff like Gnosticism, The Neverending Story, and Earthbound/Mother 3 on there. Heck, there's even an essay or two on non-Homestuck subjects, like my ZEAL-published piece on BOKTAI: THE SUN IS IN YOUR HAND (2003) Of course there's also always the Youtube channel, and content should be getting started up again there relatively soon as well. By nature its also a bad idea to change branding too much on youtube, so fans of optimisticDuelist specifically can expect that house style to mostly stay the same, with maybe a surprise or two inside the framing of Youtube videos themselves (;3)

My tumblr is not exactly in a state for public consumption yet and I'm mostly using it as personal catharsis/to mess around and cope. I'm not even reblogging/posting much Homestuck, i seem to be defaulting to reblogging Boktai and other stuff like that instead atm! I don't expect that to change very much for the time being unless I start engaging with Pumpkin Path discussion or fanart, but that hasn't manifest on Tumblr basically at all yet.

So for now this Tumblr is a messy in-transition personal blog of SOME Homestuck but mostly random fandom content of stuff I love. Well. And Plenty of dude/achillean love-centric 18+ content on my sideblog that is now just for giving me an outlet to reblog stuff like that, as well.

...

Hey what if i just started taking dirkjake writing smut commissions on there? that's most of what my fanfic output was anyway--

#Homestuck #Dirkjake #Pumpkin Path #Pumpkin Track #18+ content referenced #Achillean Love #Medium #Youtube #wildlyLascivious #optimisticDuelist

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deanosaur666 · 5 days

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The Woodchipper 3

"My son. My darling son. I have shed so many tears for you. I will not rest until I have avenged your unjust death."

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"What an incredible story," Barnaby said, "I've never heard of ghosts operating a woodchipper before."

"Yes," Ozias said, cutting his steak with a knife, "I'll admit it was a first for me."

"Ozzy's always the first one I call." Betty said, "He's so reliable. I haven't called 911 in years. I know Ozzy can handle anything."

Barnaby smiled. "My sister has told me so many stories about you, Ozbek. I'm happy to finally have gotten a chance to meet you."

"Ah, thank you. I hope I didn't disappoint."

Barnaby laughed. "You're an interesting guy, Ozbek."

Clementine politely sipped tea from a baby-sized teacup.

Barnaby considered Ozias. "I must ask, though. Why the mask? It seems like everyone knows who you really are, anyways."

Ozias paused in thought. "When I put on the mask, I become the Night Disassembler. Only the Night Disassembler can do these things."

"Ah," Barnaby nodded. "Very interesting."

Betty stood up from the table. "I must practice Clementine's speech. Today's a big day."

Ozzy was back in his workshop, carefully dissecting a fish. He had put each of its organs in its own little jar. His mind wandered. Barnaby was a beautiful and charming creature. What did he say he did for work? If only Ozzy could disassemble him. He had beautiful eyes. Perhaps he had a beautiful heart and and skull and lungs and–

The fish's eye slipped out of Ozzy's tweezers, and rolled onto the floor.

"Damn it."

He reached down to find it, but it had rolled off somewhere.

The phone rang.

"Oh, Ozzy!" Betty's voice called from the other end.

"What's happened?"

"Someone kidnapped Barnaby! They were wearing the mask of the Night Disassembler! Wearing your mask, Ozzy!"

"My mask?"

"I know it couldn't have been you, Ozzy! I know you have a pure heart! Someone must have disguised themself as you!"

"I'll find him." Ozzy put down the phone.

"If I had taken Barnaby," Ozzy picked up the fish eye, "where would I take him?" He stared into the fish eye. "Why, I'd invite him into my home. I'd serve him dinner. I'd treat him nicely. Maybe then I could convince him to let me… well… my house really is a mess right now. I should really clean it up."

Ozzy opened the door from his workshop to the living room. The roar of a woodchipper nearly deafened him.

A huge woodchipper stood in the middle of his living room. A figure wearing the mask of the Night Disassmbler carried Barnaby, bound and gagged, over his shoulder, ready to feed him into the machine.

Ozzy jumped at the machine with his screwdriver, and reduced it into a pile of parts.

The figure dropped Barnaby on the floor, and then began to laugh.

"Who are you?"

The figure removed the mask.

He was a massive man. His arms and legs were as thick as tree trunks. His sharp teeth gleamed in his huge grin. His eyes were fiery and piercing. His brow was contorted in an expression of hate.

"I am Dagon Dirk." He sneered. "You killed my beloved son, Night Disassembler. For that crime, I will shred you in the same woodchipper you shredded him in."

Ozzy lunged at Dagon. Dagon reached into a pocket and pulled out a huge sheet, covering his body like a curtain. Barnaby tore through the sheet and landed on the ground. Where was Dagon? His eyes darted around the room. The man was gone. How could such a huge man just disappear?

A small screw rolled out the front door. But Ozzy didn't notice.

He turned to Barnaby, still bound and gagged. Why, he could take Barnaby into his workshop and disassemble him this afternoon. Barnaby couldn't object in this state. No. He would just untie and ungag him.

Betty Blake stood at the podium, sweating.

"Well," she said, "uh, today we're cutting the ribbon for this new school my daughter Clementine helped create. It's for impoverished children, you know. Uh, I'm just going to read the speech Clementine wrote for this event…"

Out from the crowd, a small toddler toddled. He approached the podium.

"Oh," Betty looked at him, "where are your parents, little one?"

The toddler pulled out a remote and pressed a large red button. The roaring sound of a woodchipper emerged from behind the school.

Crash! Crunch! A giant woodchipper rolled through the school on massive treads. Giant mechanical crane arms pulled out pillars and fed them into its gaping maw. The crowd screamed in terror.

The toddler cackled and pulled off his mask. The huge form of Dagon Dirk appeared behind the disguise. He turned to the cameraman recording the event.

"Night Disassembler! You child murdering bastard! The woodchippers hunger and thirst! They will not be sated until they feast on your flesh and blood!" And then Dagon pulled out a sheet and vanished.

Ozzy watched the events unfolding on his television. "That's not good."

"Oh God." Barnaby said. "Betty and Clementine."

Ozias threw open the closet. The mask sneered down at him. "It seems you can't do anything without me."

"Shut up." Ozzy said. "It's time to get to work."

"What?" Barnaby said.

Ozzy just shook his head.

Betty's leg was trapped under a piece of rubble. The giant woodchipper roared louder and louder as it approached her. Clementine pulled at Betty, trying to free her.

"Oh Clementine!" Betty cried. "Leave me! Save yourself! The world needs you!"

Betty turned and saw the machine, almost on top of her. And then it collapsed into pieces.

The Night Disassembler emerged from the mess. He pulled the piece of rubble off of Betty.

"Are you all right, Betty?"

"Oh Ozzy," Betty cried, "we put so much of our souls into building that school. You must stop this terrible man before he destroys even more!"

"Ozbek," Barnaby emerged from the pieces behind him, "I found this. It must have been hidden inside the giant woodchipper." He handed Ozzy a note.

An address was written on the note.

A woodchipper roared in the middle of the playground. A conveyor belt slowly pushed a pile of sleeping puppies towards its mouth. A small dog was tied to a post, barking and yelping, just barely unable to reach the puppies.

Just before the puppies reached the mouth of the machine, the contraption exploded into pieces. Ozzy pulled the puppies from the pile. They were unharmed. He untied the small dog from the post.

"You're ok. It's ok." Ozzy petted the dog. Dagon was nowhere to be seen. Besides the dogs, the park seemed to be completely empty.

A car door slammed in the parking lot. Barnaby and Betty had arrived.

"Is this the place?" Betty yelled.

"How peculiar." Ozzy said.

"You fool!" The small dog pulled off its disguise, and Dagon emerged, towering over Ozzy.

Before Ozzy could react, Dagon bound him tightly in rope.

Barnaby rushed towards him. "Stop!"

Dagon turned towards him and grinned. His head crashed into Barnaby's, throwing Barnaby into the ground. Barnaby was dazed.

"Next time," Dagon laughed, "DON'T use your head." He carried Ozzy into a helicopter that was inconspicuously parked nearby.

"Barnaby!" Betty arrived at her brother's side. The helicopter flew off into the air.

Barnaby groaned. "We have to stop him, before Ozbek is nothing but giblets."

Barnaby and Betty arrived at the abandoned factory. The helicopter was parked just outside.

The noise of a roaring woodchipper could be heard from outside.

Ozzy was tied to a conveyor belt, slowly approaching the huge woodchipper.

Barnaby jumped onto the conveyor belt.

"Don't worry Ozbek, I'll get you out of this."

"Wait!" A voice called from nearby.

Barnaby turned and saw another Night Disassembler tied to another conveyor belt, running parallel to this one.

"It's a trick!" The second Ozzy called. "That's Dagon in disguise! I'm the real Night Disassambler!"

Barnaby froze. There was only time to untie one of them before the woodchipper shredded the other one. His eyes darted between the two figures, looking for some small difference. But they were exactly the same.

He turned to the first Night Disassembler beneath him.

"I trust you will make the right choice," the first one said, "Barnaby."

Barnaby untied the first Night Disassemble, and then pulled him from the conveyor belt, just as the other fell into the woodchipper.

Barnaby held Ozzy steady. "Are you all right?"

Ozzy laughed. "You fool!" He pulled off his mask. Dagon towered over Barnaby. "Not only is the Night Disassembler dead, but at the hand of his foolish friends, too!" He cackled.

Barnaby sank to his knees.

"No!" Betty cried.

"The blood of my darling son has been avenged." Dagon's voice was quiet. "Justice has been served. The woodchippers will terrorize your town no more."

There was a clanking noise. The woodchipper fell into pieces. Ozzy emerged from the tangle of metal. His clothes were torn. His mask was cracked. But he stood.

"How?" Dagon yelled. "That's impossible! Even I couldn't escape from those bonds!"

"It doesn't matter how tightly you bind me," Ozzy said, "I can disassemble anything and everything. And you're next."

"Not this time!" Dagon yelled. He jumped into his helicopter. "We'll fight again, Night Disassembler!" The helicopter lifted off the ground. "And again and again! Until you're shredded down to nothingness! Until my son is avenged!"

"He's getting away!" Betty yelled.

Ozzy leaned down and picked up a loose screw.

He smiled wryly.

#short fiction #short story #stories #wood chipper #absurd

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spacedhead · 9 months

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HOMESTUCK REREAD #17: END OF HOMESTUCK (act 6 act 6 act 6 and act 7)

this is it!!!!!! this is the end of homestuck!!!

the song setting the scene for all of these battles that are about to take place concurrently is called creata, and it has leitmotifs from MANY songs in homestuck, as do all of the songs in this 18 minute sequence! also check out this fortnite squad....

the second song is called oppa toby style... oh man this is gonna be sick.

GOD LOOK HOW STRONG SHE IS SHES BEATING UP FOUR OF THEM EFFORTLESSLY

roxy my son is fighting so hard actual goat of this section btw no cap you will see later

of course this part is.... not as important but still certainly something i suppose.. karkat and jake are giving it their all as the weakest members of the squad

here come the striders and terezi!!! they are about to mix the shit out of these jacks

side note but not really its kind of crazy how owned dirk gets in this fight he dies like three different times and is saved by dave terezi and jane a bunch . talk about an unlucky break

meanwhile jade is struggling with her dog friends/ enemies and caliborn is fighting his denizen yaldabaoth ( wrdgaf). also vriska is fighting hussie? (WRDGAFX2)

okay so caliborn beat his denizens ass. so called strongest denizen is weaker than caliborn who was beaten by john fucking egbert.

anyway the current song is eternity served cold but only the second half.. its very good. variation on johns theme for a bit, then into lord english theme.

ive always loved this shot

davepeta makes an undertale reference.... which i guess was topical at the time. my undertale phase is long gone though. so . cool reference anyway !

last song. heir of grief is starting. VERY good song. love this shit!!! pic of one of the squads... theyre getting roughed up

oh my god... the four original kids and the pictures of their houses from the beginning of the story really reminds me how far they have come... ive been reading this shit only for a few weeks but man it feels like it really has been such a long time since things were that simple.

cool ass shot of these guys

oh no!!! theyre getting fucked UP dude shes beating their ass... but who is that back there...?

to be honest. i am not sure what jade was trying to accomplish in this sequence. she seems to just be teleporting her and the dogs around.... like to get them to stop fighting maybe? idrk but either way they kinda just fight anyway. or at least PM does

i think this moment of dave chopping dirks head off is not really significant for dave as much as it is for dirk. he finally relinquished control for once!

anyway, PM FINALLY gets jacks ring off, and now he is no longer a threat. its been so long. wow . goat much?

roxy being the one to finish the condesce is deserved. great job. my goat. props to all of these crazy kids they fucking did it they won!!! holy shit good fuckin job!! but we arent quite done yet.

this is beautiful art that is the rest of the comic basically until act 7. i just love these panels so much. one of them has actually been my background for about a year and a half!

its this one . i really love this one it shows so many of my children look at them all god im so proud of them they did it.... YES!!!! i knew this would happen but im still so happy for them.

look!!! the mayor and pm reunited once again. its been since before cascade since they saw each other last! and serenity too!!

this one is a real standout as well... so good i love all of them. am i repeating myself? surely not.

:))))

it is time for act 7. the finale of homestuck, essentially. it has been a long and winding road.... only a little left to go :)

LOOK AT JOGN EGBERT I WANT HIM TOBE HAPYP FOR ALL ETERNAL

a lot of this animation shows the new universe being formed, like the tadpole turning into the frog and stuff. it is very cool, and visually stunning to be honest, but i like to focus more on the characters with my limited images per post. but trust me, act 7 is very beautiful the whole way through :D

LOOK AT MY CHILDREN IN STUNNING HD QUALITY

THE LOT OF THEM. I SIRED THEM ALL? INCREDIBLE

do you see how fucking beautiful these kids are and how much they mean to me. i would do anything for them

holy shit vriska is serving like crazy here. i mean they all are but... okayyy vriska

look at these two. leaders of their sessions. coming together. finishing. it all makes me tear up a little i wont lie. also this music called overture is fucking beautiful.

oh man okay yeah. i am really misty eyed here. this never happened before?? god i fucking love this story

IM GONNA START CRYING DUDE FUCK

well here it is. first view of the idyllic earth c. they did it. they won . they created their universe and they got to live in it

heres one last squad shot of them all being goated and fucking awesome maybe? ever think of that

it started with him and ended with him. my son john egbert i love you so much

okay. its actually over. it feels weird to say but i have indeed completed homestuck yet again. this time was maybe my favorite reading of it other than probably the first time. maybe it was cause of the blogging it? i did genuinely love blogging my thoughts about it. even if no one is paying too much attention, its cool to get it out there :D

overall thoughts? the first part is a little slow to get going, but once it does get going, it's so fun and just a blast to read. things are incredible up until right after cascade where it slows down a lot. which i get. introducing a ton of new characters and essentially a new main villain into the plot can be a lot. i would say that the first half of act 6 is like... a definite decrease in quality? but it starts picking up again when they actually arrive in the new session. and me personally, ive always loved the ending. i know some people were like oh they just win and their plan goes smoothly. like, yeah i get that, but also things did NOT go smoothly when game over happened, and that was definitely the everything goes wrong moment. everything after that is cool and fun and very entertaining to read. i just love this story guys i love it so much there is a reason why it is my favorite piece of fiction and why i constantly come back to it . it is just so good i love the characters i love the concepts the plot is sprawling and self referential and just plain cool . of course it has flaws, namely its villains are a little weak. sometimes i love villains who are just plain evil but sometimes in a story like this i may have preferred a villain who has a little more motive than just being evil and wanting to destroy and kill things... but its alright. the heroes were the main focus anyway, so its not like it ruins the story or anything. i think homestuck goes from an ironic shit post story that makes you feel like an ass for reading it to a heartfelt tale of empathy and self improvement and self actualization. its characters go from asshole kids to pretty good adults. and you can see the writing grow up too. its honestly great and if you know me you probably already know lots of bits and pieces about it and/or i made you read it. but if you dont you should give it a shot. it has NOT aged well i will say but if you can manage to ignore the usage of slurs and probably other bad things i can honestly say it ends as a story about growth and acceptance of the self and others. that is all.......

thanks for reading this to all my friends i had tons of fun

p.s

im reading the epilogues. FUCK

#joff hs reread #my children will win this war #they deserve to win #i love them all #im so proud of them #should i wait until 413 am to post this #i might as well

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autistic-katara · 11 months

Text

ok finally making that writing post-

hi! i’m Ryan, or Raines_Adopted_Son on AO3. i write fanfic (mainly angst) and my inbox/dms/ao3 comments r always open for requests, here are some guidelines:

fandoms i will write for: (keep in mind i join new fandoms all the time so if theres a fandom u want me to write that isnt here that u think i like just ask, i probably forgot to update it // will say next to the fandom if ive written for it before or not)

Stranger Things (written for it before)

The Spiderverse Movies (written for it before)

The Owl House (written for it before)

Nimona (haven’t written before)

PJO/Riordanverse (including mcga and tkc // written for it before)

ATLA (including lok/the kyoshi novels // written for it before)

Heartstopper/Osemanverse (haven’t written before)

Jackson’s Diary (written for it before)

Bungou Stray Dogs (haven’t written before)

The Dragon Prince (have written but never posted)

Derry Girls (haven’t written before)

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (haven’t written before)

Good Omens (haven’t written before)

stuff i enjoy writing/specialise in:

shortish one-shots (1k-2.5k words // i would like to write longer and/or multichapter stuff, this is just my current level)

angst

hurt/comfort

heavier topics relating to mental health stuff (depression, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal characters, etc.)

queer (specifically trans) stuff

stuff i feel uncomfortable writing/am unsure if i’m able to write it but wanna push my boundaries on: (aka send me requests but theres less of a chance i’ll write it)

nsfw stuff/smut

depictions of abuse (non-romanticised obv)

depictions of SA (specifically just the recovery tho, i am NOT writing non-con)

longer fics

multichapter fics

pure fluff (idk if i’m able to write smthn w/o angst 😭)

stuff i will not write: (do not ask me to write this stuff :))

nsfw/smut of characters under the age of 15 (that being my current age // still kinda iffy abt characters 15-17 but yk)

stuff that romanticises things like SA or abuse

any ships where both a) at least one of the characters is a minor and b) the age gap is canonically 3 years or more (emphasis on canonically, looking at u punkflower antis)

incest

other stuff i wasn’t sure how to fit in:

when it comes to depicting types bigotry or hate or whatever theres some stuff i feel comfortable including and some stuff i dont (obviously in a non-romanticised way as just like part of what a character experiences):

homo/transphobia, i’m fine with including this, i am queer + trans and feel like i could sensitively depict those topics.

racism/xenophobia, i dont rlly feel comfortable writing abt this stuff given that i’m white i rlly dont think id be able to write that stuff properly like at all.

ableism/saneism, depends on the type tbh, maybe subtle ableism to an autistic character (i am autistic) and casual ableism to a chronically ill character (i am chronically ill) but other than that ehhhh

antisemitism, while i am Jewish and have experienced it myself, for personal reasons i’m not comfortable writing stuff including it, even if its subtle and not a big thing (other kinds of religious discrimination i wont write simply cause idk enough about allat and dont wanna be insensitive abt it)

thats all i could think of for that one but next thing: i dont like AUs. its not like i hate them or anything, and if i time traveled to the future and found out i learned to love them i would be ecstatic since thats more fics for me, but for some reason i just don’t enjoy reading/writing them (excluding canon divergence, i wouldn’t mind writing a fic with canon divergence // didn’t wanna put this in the hard-no section cause again its not like they’re smthn i hate or am disgusted by or anything, i just don’t find them appealing)

also if u dont know what i ship/what ships id be ok w/ writing just ask, a couple of them should be clear based on what i rb/post tho lmao (still if u gotta ask, ask)

anyways yeah thats all i could think of for now, i probably forgot smthn important so i might edit this later + lmk if u have any questions srsly id love to answer :)

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m1ndf4ng · 2 years

Note

(holds up candy necklace) hand the driving headcanons over

…also ya want the candy necklace

Ok so I sorted them into five categories! There’s:

Good Drivers

Kanaya: obviously

Karkat: he’s so careful, he’s good and he parks perfectly and he never speeds

Jane: the only one of the kids to ACTUALLY have learned how to drive before the game

Can Drive

Dirk: he’s enough of a perfectionist that when they made cars he disappeared with one for like a week and came back able to drive. He’s not perfect though and it bothers him so much.

Vriska: she read one of janes old manuals and she’s been fine ever since. She’s probably using her luck powers though cause she definitely should have gotten a ticket by now

Jake: I just think he’d be fine at it

Jade: ^^^^same

June: jane taught her, janes dad offered but June doesn’t really like being around him since he looks like her dad but isn’t. She really doesn’t drive that often though bc she just does the windy thing

Bad Drivers

Roxy: she’s the kind of driver to be messing with stuff, shes putting on lip gloss, she’s adjusting her mirror, shes eating a snack, uh oh she hit a mailbox lol

Rose: she wants to be good at it so bad but she’s just NOT she tries to get Kanaya to teach her but she’s just hopeless

Equius: white knuckled, sweaty, gritting his teeth, he bends the steering wheel

Feferi: similar to Roxy but also she has road rage, if she’s driving she is also YELLING

Cannot Drive

Dave: Every time someone tries to teach him it ends in tears (if it’s karkat, then karkat cries; if it’s rose, then Dave cries) it’s not his fault, he’s much better at being navigator/DJ anyways

Aradia: she doesn’t really see the point, she likes to fly

Tavros: horn too big for he gotdamn head, when he rides in a car he sits in the middle seat in the back. He does know how to ride a motorcycle though!

Sollux: he just flies and when he’s tried to drive in the past he instinctually messes with other cars with his psionics which sucks if you’re one of those ppl

Nepeta: she’d rather walk anyways and she doesn’t go anywhere she’d need it so she just never learned

Gamzee: doesn’t really like being in cars (fridge trauma) and also even the specially made cars for big trolls feel cramped to him he’s so goddamn tall

Eridan: he’d rather be driven, thank you

Is NOT allowed to drive

Terezi: this is self explanatory, BUT one time vriska took her to a large parking lot and let her go crazy and she surprisingly only hit like one light pole and the only other car that was in the parking lot (it was karkat’s)

Davepeta: is not necessarily a bad driver but they had their license revoked. One time rose had a party at her house and Davepeta told her they were running late and then drove to her house, texted “on my way!” And then immediately ran the car into her living room as a joke

Jasprose: was in the car with Davepeta and also it may have been her idea, rose revoked both of their licenses permanently

I love to make little headcanons like this so if y’all have any thoughts lmk I’ll do more, also I forgot a few characters so I could add em later

#homestuck headcanons #homestuck #earth c #my post

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dirk-rider · 8 months

Text

TT: I’m here.

TT: I knocked for like five minutes and you still didn’t come to the door goddamn.

TT: Are you taking a massive shit or something?

TT: I bet you’re on the toilet going “Aw damn Dirk’s coming over and my toilet smells like a horse’s asshole right now”.

TT: That’s totally what you’re saying to yourself.

GT: Sorry im on my way to the door right now!

GT: I was just putting dinner in the oven my apologies!

TT: Dude it’s 13:00 why are you making dinner already. You probably just finished eating lunch.

GT: Well yes but im making ham! You cant undercook ham or youll feel ill and have to go home early and i dont want you leaving so soon!

TT: I don’t particularly mind being sick. I’ll just vomit all over your grandpa’s fuckin’ bearskins.

As Dirk sent his message, the door swung open in front of him and he was quickly pulled into a tight hug.

“Dirk, it’s so good to see your face! I’m so glad you could make it this early!” Jake said, giving Dirk a rough pat on the back.

Dirk coughed a bit into Jake’s neck at the force before replying “Yeah man, you said this series was long as hell. Figured we should start early.”

Jake let go of Dirk and stepped back. “Yes it is! Downton Abbey is quite a cinematic marvel, it’s a wonder it went on as long as it did!” He gestured towards the door. “After you!”

So Dirk stepped inside and looked around, still not entirely used to the… odd decor Mr. Harley used. He didn’t particularly dwell on it, though - the kitchen was already wafting out scents that made Dirk feel hungry. He felt his stomach rumble and put an arm around it reflexively, blushing a bit at the noise.

“Didn’t eat lunch again?” he heard from behind him, and spun around quickly to face Jake.

“Um,” was all he managed to reply. Of course he hadn’t eaten lunch, who has time to eat lunch? He was a busy guy and he didn’t need food, anyway. His mind had been occupied with other, more important things, like researching the best way to use a hydraulic system in a partially animated stuffed animal, as any normal guy would.

“It’s alright, I figured as much,” Jake chuckled. “I set out some snacks for you in the living room.”

“Uh thanks man. You didn’t have to do that, though,” Dirk tried saying, before his stomach let out another sharp growl. He grimaced. “Fine, I’ll eat something.”

Jake smiled. “Sweet! Well then, go make yourself comfortable! Just wait one moment for me to finish what I’m doing, and I’ll be right on out to join you!”

Dirk nodded. “Alright, see you in a minute.”

He made his way down the hallway until he found the living room, and was admittedly quite grateful for the sheer mount of snacks Jake had piled up.

He flopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote, quietly mumbling to himself as he turned the television on and started flicking through streaming services looking for whatever the fuck Jake wanted to watch. Some show about British people, that’s about all he knew.

Eventually he got to Jake’s watchlist and began scrolling down, looking for anything vaguely British looking. Jake was the only person he knew who actually used the watchlist feature, but hey, someone had to.

As he was scrolling he reached down and grabbed a handful of potato chips from one of the bowls Jake had laid out, leaning forward a bit as he shoved them into his mouth. He was really quite hungry, no matter how much he denied it. And he’d do pretty much anything to make the embarrassing noises from his midsection go away before Jake got back.

Finally he found the show and squinted his eyes to read the description.

“This historical drama follows the lives of the Crawley family and their servants in the family's Edwardian country house.”

Goddamn this sounded boring already.

Oh well, Jake seemed pretty excited to show this to Dirk, so he figured it’d only be nice of him to bear through it.

Especially since there was food.

He blushed a bit again but didn’t stop shoving chips into his mouth, only hoping he could eat enough before Jake got back so he didn’t have to embarrass himself.

After about five minutes, Jake came waltzing into the room and plopped himself down on the seat next to Dirk. He smiled when he looked at the television.

“Oh, good, you found it already!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands a bit. “You’ll love it, I just know it! Maybe in a sort of ironic fashion, but love it nonetheless!”

Dirk snorted. “What do you mean I’d enjoy it ‘ironically’? This shit looks so fucking real. Real as shit,” he said sarcastically. “Seriously though, I’m already asking myself why you’re so into this. Is it really that exciting?”

Jake grinned wider. “Oh, heavens no! It’s the most boring shit I have ever seen!”

Dirk sighed, then laughed a bit as he said, “Well turn it on already, I’m so damn excited you don’t even know.”

So Jake did just that, and Dirk leaned back a bit as the show began. And yep, it was pretty much as good as he expected.

As they watched, Dirk would make occasional comments and jabs at the characters, and soon he became so preoccupied with this that he hardly noticed how much he was eating. He only really went quiet when his hand reached the bottom of the bowl.

“Is everything alright?” Jake asked, looking to face Dirk.

Dirk quickly looked away before replying, “Uh yeah, sorry. I just, uh, finished that entire thing. Heh.” And lord, had he really?? Admitting that was almost… arousing.

No, it was definitely arousing, and Dirk knew it.

“Oh, that’s alright!” Jake replied. “There’s more, you know! One more bowl of chips and a box of cookies, all storebought but still quite good!”

“Uhh yeah. Thanks, man.” Dirk flushed a bit. God, he really wanted to eat all of that.

Really, the only thing stopping him was that he felt Jake had started catching onto what he was doing.

See, Dirk had began playing this little game with himself. He’d known since he was young that something about food was incredibly arousing to him, and when he realized how oblivious Jake tended to be, he began challenging himself to eat as much as he could on their dates. It made him incredibly flustered, but also incredibly aroused. Knowing he was doing something he would regularly get off to, right in front of his oblivious boyfriend, was like some sick kind of foreplay to him.

Recently, though, he got the feeling Jake was catching on. He’d ask questions, like “how much are you planning on eating today?” And he’d offer him more and more food, and he was just acting… different. So Dirk decided he had to cut back around Jake, at least for the time being.

At the same time, though, he didn’t want to be rude and just ignore all this that Jake had set out for him…

He grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved that into his mouth, too.

About five episodes in Dirk had gone through another bowl of chips, a bowl of popcorn, and an entire box of cookies. Jake had also gotten up momentarily to “check on the food”, and had come back with an orange soda, which Dirk had downed as well.

His stomach was already gurgling quietly, but after so many months of regular sessions similar to this, he knew he could still get more food in there if he wanted.

He noticed Jake occasionally looking over at his stomach, but he never said anything, so neither did Dirk. Instead, he would fill space where they should be talking with admittedly less and less ironic rambles pertaining to the characters.

As he was cursing out a character named Matthew for not making any moves towards a girl named Mary (holding quite a few parallels to how he used to feel towards Jake, though he’d never admit it), he heard a bell ding.

“Oh, dinners almost ready! Alright, Dirk, I’ll be back in a jiffy to grab you!” Jake exclaimed, getting up.

Dirk looked up at him. “Man alright, take your time.”

“Will do! Should be about ten, fifteen minutes, give or take,” Jake said, flipping the light switch on. “I’ll see you then!” And he was gone.

Now that Dirk was alone on the couch, he felt safe pulling his shirt up a bit and admiring his stomach. It was shaping out nicely around his jeans, and he had a slight bloated muffin top, but he exercised enough that he still had a nice set of abs beneath it.

He pulled out his phone to take a quick picture, then went to scroll through his social media feeds while he waited for Jake to come back. As he was scrolling, he rested his free hand on his stomach and rubbed small circles around it, knowing this would ease the bloating at least a bit and make it easier for him to eat dinner without looking exceedingly stuffed. He patted his stomach and forced out a short belch to clear out some more space that was filled with gas bubbles from the soda he’d downed, and sighed.

God, he wished he could absolutely fill himself to the brim with good food, but he knew he couldn’t, not without fear of Jake calling him out. So instead he just continued on readying himself for the next meal and tried to distract his mind through reading mindless drivel.

Eventually, he heard his name, and looked up to see Jake standing over him. He quickly pulled his shirt down, hoping to look casual while doing so.

“Dinners ready!” Jake smiled down at him. “And I hope you’re hungry, because I made a lot!”

Dirks face reddened and he hoped to god that Jake didn’t notice as he replied, “Alright, I’m coming.”

“Swell!”

So the two walked down to the dining room, Jake leading the way.

When they got there, Jake pulled out one of the many seats for Dirk before heading to sit on the opposing end. The table was one meant for large gatherings, so the two sitting across from each other without anyone there made for a slight dissonance, but Jake seemed used to it by now. He’d already placed dinner on the table, too - half of a glazed ham sat in between the two, alongside a large bowl of assorted fruits (most of which Dirk couldn’t even name), and a few toasted bread buns.

“I hope you like it!” Jake smiled, resting his hands underneath his chin.

“Wow, man, this is… this looks so good. This smells so good. …You’re really spoiling me, huh?” Dirk chuckled lightly, and Jake looked very pleased with himself.

“Of course I am! I am your boyfriend, after all!” Jake smiled back at him. But there was a slight malicious undertone that Dirk wasn’t sure he was imagining.

To distract himself, he cut out a chunk of the meat and laid it on his plate. And as he took a bite, his eyes widened.

Dear lord if this wasn’t the best thing he’d tasted in a while.

He quickly cut out another bit and shoved it into his mouth, too, and then another, and another. And this time, he wasn’t even intentionally doing this to get off - it was genuinely amazing food.

As he was reaching for more of the ham, Jake’s voice came from across the table.

“Make sure to get some of the other things I’ve set out as well! I didn’t put all of this work in for nothing!”

Dirk nodded and took an admittedly large portion of the fruit plate (much larger than he’d intended, it was a really big spoon) and one of the bread rolls.

“Sorry I didn’t have too much variety in this meal, by the way! I figured you’d be more comfortable with something I know you like, so I really only set out things we’ve previously discussed.”

“Are you kidding? This shit slaps, man! You’re fucking fantastic!” Dirk replied, looking up and across at Jake. And he really meant it. Despite how he felt in situations like this, the sexiness factor was currently almost entirely replaced by admiration. It meant a lot more than he could ever put into words.

“Oh thank you, haha! I just wanted to make sure you could get good and full!” Jake replied.

Shit now the sexiness factor was back.

Dirk blushed a bit but said nothing, instead just going back to his own plate of food.

As the two ate they chatted about the series they’d been watching moments earlier, Jake going on a bit of a monologue quite a few times as he explained how “the narrative really almost plays second fiddle to just how much they put into this camerawork!” and stuff like that. And Dirk didn’t mind, honestly he was just relieved he didn’t have to say too much, as his stomach began filling out more and he couldn’t focus on too much else.

The pressure in his gut was becoming a lot if he was honest, and he was trying desperately to not find arousal in this, not now. He had to stop soon, he told himself, before his feelings made themselves known.

So Dirk put his utensils down and leaned back in his seat, hoping to say without words that he was done.

Jake noticed, though, and quickly interrupted his own ramblings.

“Aww, come on, Dirk! I’m sure you can fit just a little more food in that stomach of yours!” he exclaimed.

Shit if that sentence wasn’t enough to pop a boner.

“Sorry man, I’m stuffed,” Dirk replied, closing his eyes for a moment.

Next thing he knew, though, Jake was at his side, putting another few slices of meat on Dirk’s plate, alongside two more bread rolls.

“I bet you can at least eat this much,” he said. “I made all of this for you, you know! Would be a waste if someone didn’t eat it!”

Dirk opened one eye to look up at him.

“Can’t you just leave it for leftovers?” he mumbled, furrowing his brow and hoping to god Jake didn’t look down at Dirk’s pants.

Jake chuckled a bit. “Well of course I’ll leave some for a later date! But it’s still best fresh out of the oven, you know?” He patted Dirk on the shoulder. “So eat up!”

Dirk groaned slightly. If Jake would stop saying hot shit he might be a little more agreeable, but he knew he’d just keep pestering him until he finished what was on his plate, so he picked up one of the rolls and brought it to his mouth. Jake seemed pleased by this and went back to his side of the table.

As Dirk continued eating, he looked over at Jake. “Why don’t you have more? You’re real insistent on getting me all good and stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey, but you’ve hardly eaten half of what I have.” He forced a laugh to hopefully sound more playful.

Jake smiled smugly. “Dirk, you have a stomach of steel! I don’t think anyone could fit nearly as much in there as you can!”

Dirk let that run through his mind. He couldn’t find any counterarguments, so he just continued plowing on. The pressure in his stomach only became more and more noticeable, though, and with it so did the pressure in his pants. A few times as he was eating he had to stop to let rumbling belches into his fist, which only really made the problem in his pants worse. And then Jake would give his own plaudits on each one, which really cemented it all.

After what felt like forever, Dirk’s plate was finally empty, and he sighed as he slouched forward to put his head in his hands.

“Okay, man, I’mmrrUurp - fuck, sorry. I’m done.”

Jake grinned as the eructation forced itself past Dirk’s unwilling lips, and Dirk’s face heated.

“Oh, goodie! And look at you, too, all nice and filled up. You did extraordinarily, I’d say!” Jake told him, getting up from his seat and taking his diningware in one hand. “Oh, dear, apologies - could you slide that over to me?” he then asked, nodding towards Dirk’s plate, and Dirk nodded back as verification.

When he tried to get up, though, he realized his stomach was much heavier than he had previously thought. His brow furrowed, and he huffed as he got up to hand the plate to Jake. The table was wide enough that he couldn’t really reach Jake’s not-so-outstretched hand, so he had to lean forward. And leaning forward had the side effect of making sure the edge of the table cut directly into Dirk’s distended gut, forcing out a lengthy belch.

“bwoooOOAAaaaarrrphhh!!”

Dirk’s eyes shot open behind his shades, and he clamped the hand not holding himself upright over his mouth. Sick fuck that he was, of course he enjoyed the feeling.

“Oh, wow, Dirk, that one carried some absolute heft! I didn’t think you’d have room in your stomach to even hold that after such a dense meal. Nice work, bro!” Jake took Dirk’s plate from his outstretched hand and began walking back to the kitchen.

“Be a dear and go turn the telly back on?”

Dirk once again nodded, unwilling to open his mouth until he was alone once more. Jake was fucking with him, he just had to be fucking with him, there was no way he wasn’t fucking with him.

As Dirk made his way back to the living room, he found his second trip there much slower than the first due to the weight he held internally. He used this time to mull over whether Jake was finally certain one hundred percent in Dirk’s kinks. The way he complimented him wasn’t too far off from how it was when Dirk had first started, true. But it also felt as though Jake was now indulging Dirk, trying to get him to a point that he couldn’t deny his interest if his life depended on it. He was cooking larger and larger meals, feeding Dirk more and more, and now he was becoming pretty damn insistent, too.

When Dirk entered the living room, he took a precautionary step and took a blanket out of the basket (of course the English-Harleys had a blanket basket) to hopefully cover his arousal.

After he plopped down on the couch, he placed it atop himself in a way he hoped looked casual, as though he was totally not hiding anything at all. Because what was there to hide. Nothing, that’s what. Or, that’s what he told himself, at the very least.

He used one hand to hit the “on” button of the remote as his other hand ran through his hair, and he allowed himself a shaky breath out. He had to go full on denial mode, not allow his thoughts even a taste of arousal.

To do so, he went back to scrolling through his previous mindless online drivel, and it worked for the most part. His gut was still gurgling, and the sounds would pry his focus away from his distractions. But only for a few seconds, before he’d remind himself that now was most certainly not the time, not if he wanted to keep up the charade.

By the time Jake joined Dirk, Dirk had managed to get the majority of his blood back where it belonged. He looked up at Jake.

“Back so soon?”

“I told you I’d be no more than two shakes of a lamb’s tail!”

As he said this, Jake gave Dirk another pat on the back, which forced out a bit more gas than Dirk would have liked.

“Oopsadaisies, I nearly managed to forget your overburdened state. My bad, heheh.”

The tone he used, though, made it quite clear he had not forgotten. Not in the slightest.

“Well. Make yourself comfortable, I’m ready to continue where we left off if you are.”

“Right-o!”

So Dirk hit the play button and the two quickly got back into the swing of things, Jake pausing every so often to go on rants and rambles, restating his own marvelings, and Dirk swinging right back with his own disses.

At some point while the two were talking, Jake had managed to wiggle his way beneath the blanket as well, scooting a bit closer to Dirk as he did so. Dirk would have commented on this move, but he didn’t want to risk having anything thrown back at him, any questions asked about the reason for the cover in the first place, so he instead continued his speech.

“So. We can agree that there’s an absurd contrast between the A plot and the B plot, right? Like… they’re expecting us to take a flower show as seriously as a real, honest to god murder coverup. What the fuck.”

“There’s also feminism!” Jake added.

Dirk laughed at this, and the exhalation allowed another small burp to follow. “‘Scuse me, goddamn-“

As he excused himself, Jake placed his rough hand against Dirk’s abdomen, only for Dirk to reflexively grab it.

“What are you do-oouurp- what are you doing??”

Jake put on an apologetic face, but there was a smile threatening to break out from beneath it.

“What, can a guy not give his good pal a much-needed tummy rub?” he asked, fluttering his lashes. “Your eructations are becoming interruptions, I figured I’d try to get things settled so we could enjoy the show-!”

“The only show you’re enjoying right now is taking place inside my abdomen, English,” Dirk interrupted before he could think through his own word choice. He let go of Jake’s hand, though, and allowed it to fall back atop his distended middle.

Jake fell silent for a moment, before he began softly moving his hand against Dirk’s warm flesh.

“…I’m only enjoying it because you seem so enamored by your own gluttony, my good man.”

Dirk nearly choked on his own tongue.

He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He felt his face return to the bright red he was becoming used to tonight, but kept his mouth clamped shut.

“Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you! Really, I find your games quite charming.” Jake hit pause on the television.

“But you didn’t seriously think you were hiding it, did you?”

Jake’s ocular attention was now entirely directed towards Dirk’s face, and he looked away, unable to face the guy.

“Hiding what?” he asked, strained. Dirk suddenly felt the need to take a drink, his throat absolutely parched by nerves.

Jake’s expression turned thoughtful for a moment before he began once more.

“Your arousal, I suppose. That’s how this all appears to me, anyway,” he chuckled. Then he leaned in towards Dirk’s ear, as though he were readying himself to tell a secret.

Instead of a secret, though, Dirk’s senses were flooded with the sound of one of Jake’s own gaseous outbursts.

“There’s no use in denying it, Dirk. I see the way your fists are clenched, your breaths labored. I can feel your heart beating against my hand. You are loving this, Dirk.”

He leaned back a bit and thumped on his chest once more, then followed with another low belch. As he let it out he grabbed Dirk’s hand and guided it lower, then lower still, before he took the blanket off of the both of them and was met with a rather unsightly bulge on Dirk’s end.

“Peekaboo! Would you look at that, Dirk, hardened by eructations. Be they yours or mine, you enjoy the sound regardless.” He let go of Dirk’s hand and palmed around Dirk’s crotch, humming a bit.

“Oh, look at what I’ve done to you, Dirk. You’re bloated beyond belief and still have the capacities to get hard. You only have so much energy, and right now it all seems centered in one area.”

Dirk grunted at the touch but said nothing.

“Dirk, were you ever going to tell me how you felt about all this? Or did you enjoy the thrill of voyeurism too much? Has this all been a part of some sick ritual I’ve been forced to help indulge?”

“…When did you figure me out.”

That was all Dirk could really muster at this point. He’d been stripped down to his barest desires, exposed for the pervert he was, and it was driving him wild.

“Ohh, hmm, what a toughie… let’s see here.” Jake made a big display out of counting his fingers, and Dirk’s brow only furrowed further as he did so. Eventually Jake looked back up and grinned at Dirk.

“Well, I guess I’ve had an inkling for quite some time by now. I can’t quite pinpoint when I became certain, but the evidence just kept piling up until it became hard to say that you WEREN’T getting off to this, haha!”

Dirk groaned.

“Fuck, Jake, I’m. I should have told you. I guess it is pretty fucked up of me to get all hot and bothered, work towards my own pleasure, and not clue you into that fact. I just- you’re- you kept making it so easy, so hot, and-“

Jake cut Dirk off with a peck on the lips.

“Oh, hush, you,” he giggled, “I find the whole thing rather endearing.”

Dirk finally met Jake’s eyes. “Real- really, now..? You aren’t just saying that, rrrooUuurph… ngh, fuuuck.”

As he spoke, Jake hit a rather tight spot in Dirk’s gut and forced out another small belch.

“If I minded so, I wouldn’t be so eager to indulge you, now would I? I wouldn’t be making such meals, caressing your bloatation, allowing your crass noises to continue, now would I?”

Dirk sighed shakily.

“I- I guess not, no. Probably not.”

Jake grinned and began unzipping Dirk’s jeans.

“So why don’t we do something about this?”

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