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vixstarria · 1 month

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'Erotic misadventures'

Hello, I wrote this for an April Fools challenge, and now it is your problem.

Challenge terms: The challenge is simple - write something spicy that uses the worst possible terms for body parts, sex acts, and so on!

AO3 link

So I've always had this headcanon that Tav and Astarion perform readings of really bad erotica for the group at camp. This is a depiction of one such evening.

All origin characters.

18+, humor, banter. Is this actually smut? I don't know. I hope not.

Content warnings: ...Yes.

Approx. 1,800 words

It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best piece of fiction they’d ever come across.

Meticulously handwritten in a tidy script, the text filled a sizeable journal. “Her Highness’s Erotic Misadventures” read the title. “Thank you for beta reading, Harpy Quinn”, it said at the bottom of the title page, whatever that meant.

Despite both of them having a professional interest in lewd literature, neither Astarion nor Tav had ever come across this piece before - they doubted it had ever been published. They doubted it could ever be published, for that matter. However, it must have gone through many hands privately - on flipping through the journal it was discovered that the end contained a multitude of little gushing reviews in other people’s writing.

The author must have been one strange individual, with even weirder friends. How embarrassing.

The gang had called it a day and were gathered around the campfire. Astarion and Tav had been taking turns reading from the manuscript, to their companions’ amusement (and, in Gale’s case, vexation).

Despite being seasoned experts in the genre, Wyll and Shadowheart were visibly perturbed (albeit also intrigued) by the piece. Karlach hung on to every word, and even Lae’zel had stopped tending to her weapons to listen to the strange tale spun by the anonymous author. Volo, whose unwarranted presence continued to be tolerated, although no one could quite pinpoint why, was silent, furiously scribbling notes in his own journal. And as for Gale, well…

“This is deplorable,” said Gale, weary disappointment and disdain in his voice. “The only reason I am still here is because none of you can be trusted with the pot.”

Astarion ignored him and continued to pace around the fire, reading aloud from the journal.

As the title suggested, the story depicted a series of obscene misfortunes which had befallen a hapless princess and her loyal knight. After several chapters of delving into the princess’s tragic and salacious backstory in (frankly bewildering) detail, the narrative had at last moved forward to a scene in which the princess’s knight came to her rescue after she had been kidnapped and taken away to a cave by a dragon. The knight faced the said dragon (who had then taken a dragonborn form for some reason) and its two harpy henchwomen.

“‘Its weak spot is its bussy’, the princess cried out from the cave,” read Astarion. “What in the hells is a ‘bussy’..?” he asked, lifting his head to seek counsel from his companions.

Everyone around the fire just shook their heads, equally perplexed.

“Hmm… Well, it seems our hero doesn’t know that word either...” Astarion continued reading.

“‘Puzzled, the paladin took a shot in the dark, cramming her manhood-’ Wait, what? I could have sworn...” Astarion shuffled through the pages. “…Oh she’s got both sets. How convenient… Anyway. …‘Cramming her manhood into the dragonborn’s meatgrinder’.” Astarion frowned again, sitting down next to Karlach.

“Is the ‘meatgrinder’ the dragonborn’s mouth, or..?” asked Shadowheart.

“I… think so? There’s not many contextual clues here, it just says that the ‘meatgrinder swirled around her pork sword, stunning her and nearly making her forsake her oath of propriety’.”

“Well keep going, we’ll figure it out,” Karlach said, impatiently.

“The two harpies swarmed the stunned paladin. A hand deftly shed the paladin’s breastplate, exposing her pearls, whilst another grabbed her by the neck, clawed fingers shredding the remnants of her clothing, as two hands groped and teased her milkbags. She felt a hand creep up the back of her thigh while another hand pulled on her hair, as another crept to her moistening oyster-” Astarion stopped, with an exasperated sigh. “How many hands do these bloody things have?! I’m losing focus.”

“And the mention of pearls…” Wyll said, thoughtfully. “It’s peculiar, you would think a pearl would be inside the… never mind”.

“Shadowheart, could you and Tav assist us with a visual, perchance,” asked Astarion. “I can’t be the only one who can’t keep track.”

“Perhaps I could also be of assis-” started Wyll.

“Perhaps you could sit right back down,” Astarion warned with a glower. “I'll step in if needed. Where was I..? Ah yes, the err… the milkbags. So there’s definitely two hands there.”

Both Tav and Shadowheart giggled as Shadowheart stood to join Tav by the fire and reached around Tav to lightly place her hands over the other woman’s breasts.

“Nice,” said Karlach.

“The harpy pinched her pearls, and pulled her into a deep, ravishing kiss,” Astarion read, looking up expectantly at Tav and Shadowheart.

“Uh… That is not in the book, soldier,” said Karlach, reading over Astarion’s shoulder.

“Spoilsport,” muttered Astarion. “I was just trying to set the mood before moving forward - the author’s pace is almost too relentless even for me. But fine.”

Astarion cleared his throat and continued.

“Then one of the harpies used her hands to pry open the paladin’s clam.” He looked up again. “Well come on, Shadowheart, pry open Tav’s clam.”

Shadowheart simply laughed and returned to her spot across the fire.

“If you’re not sure how - we could show you later tonight, if you like,” Astarion called out after her.

“I’m sure I could give you some pointers on dealing with clams, Astarion,” retorted Shadowheart.

“Is that so..?” he purred. “Interesting… What about you, Karlach, are you adept with clams?”

“You know I haven’t had any clams in a decade, fangs!” Karlach groaned. “But before that… They used to just fling themselves at me, already opened, yeah.”

“Fascinating. Lae’zel?”

“There are a number of women who have survived bedding me,” the githyanki responded, deadpan.

“I am… in equal parts concerned and aroused at the thought,” Astarion mulled over her words.

“I wish anyone could survive bedding me,” grumbled Karlach.

“There there, darling…” Astarion reached out to carefully pat her on a horn. “Now we all know Gale doesn’t know the first thing about clams…”

“I’ll have you know, in my ethereal relations with my goddess, our connection was so profound that not only have I experienced her ‘clam’, I have interconnected with it on such a sublime and intimate level, been woven so deeply into it to myself have become part of the clam.”

Gale’s outburst failed to have the effect he had desired, as the group struggled to contain themselves, wheezing and huffing for air.

“Thank you, Gale, I don’t believe I’ll be able to get that image out of my mind anytime soon,” Astarion continued, trying to maintain his composure. “Wyll..? How fare you with prying clams open?”

“Well…” The warlock began, with a smile. “I find, that the best way to go about it is to allow the clam to open of its own accord, from heat. From it getting sufficiently… steamy, if I may. I would never simply invade one with my blade.”

Astarion was about to say something but just chortled instead.

“Wyll, you rapscallion, every time I think I have you figured out-”

“What happens next with the harpies?” Came an impatient call from Lae’zel.

“Yes, give me that, you’re taking too long,” said Tav, snatching the journal back from Astarion. She continued to pace around the fire as she recited:

“The dragonborn stood before the browbeaten paladin, reveling in her anguish. Even had the harpies not had a firm grasp on the paladin and her unmentionables, she would not have known how to approach the dragonborn – the loathsome creature was covered in impenetrable scales. Its mouth sported rows upon rows of sharp teeth – the only reason it allowed the paladin’s mutton machete out unscathed must have been because it had worse yet torments in mind for it.

The creature turned its back on the paladin, to roar tauntingly at the princess somewhere in the cave.

‘Behold, as I turn your valiant saviour into naught but a pathetic cumdumpster!’

As it turned its back, the paladin glimpsed a narrow, pink orifice beneath its tail.”

Karlach and Wyll gasped in unison.

“The bussy!” Lae’zel hissed in a hushed whisper.

“The paladin drew on the last of her divine power to throw the harpies off, smiting them unconscious, and plunged her hand into the dragonborn’s puckered hole.”

“I am going to be sick,” moaned Gale.

“The dragonborn cackled and flexed their beef ring, tightening its grasp on the paladin’s hand. The paladin reeled in horror, as the dragonborn’s poop chute seemed to suck the paladin’s hand further in, like fleshy quicksand, whilst threatening to snap her wrist.”

A tear of anguish slid down Gale’s cheek.

“It cannot be! Was the bussy a trap?!” came an outcry from Lae’zel.

“No! It could not end this way. Her entire life and all her training had been preparing her for this,” Tav read. “What in the hells, really?” she muttered, before continuing. “In that moment, she knew that the only way out - was through. The paladin took a deep breath and PLUNGED her arm deeper into the dragonborn’s vile cavity,” Tav exclaimed, throwing her own fist in the the air, to the sound of Astarion’s uncontrollable giggling and everyone else’s gasps.

“The dragonborn yelped and tried to expel the paladin’s arm from their pulsating dirtbox, to no avail. The paladin was now elbow deep in the mud dungeon. The two continued to wrestle, the paladin’s arm pumping deeper and deeper into the dragonborn’s dank portal.”

“I fear I may need to tap out soon,” warned Wyll.

“Weakling!” Lae’zel and Shadowheart said in unison, before glaring at one another.

No one, including Karlach herself, could tell whether she was laughing or crying.

“At last, the dragonborn seemed to accept its fate, quivering and taking the paladin’s arm nearly shoulder-deep. The creature grunted and groaned, before stilling, only to unleash an earth-shaking roar, finally forcefully expunging the paladin’s arm in a spray of gooey, milky spunk, as it collapsed on the ground, convulsing, clearly too incapacitated to be of any further threat.”

“Supper is ready,” wept Gale.

“Shall I take over while you eat?” Astarion asked, to Gale’s immediate renewed protestation.

“That’s alright, I think we should take some mercy on Gale and pause here for the day,” said Tav. “Although let me peek ahead, perhaps it’s tame enough.” She took the journal and flipped forward a few pages. “Oh my…” came a surprised murmur from Tav. “You’ll never guess what happens to the princess and her knight… This may be a problem if we want to continue to visualise this masterpiece properly.”

“Oh? Dare I ask..?” Astarion was giddy with anticipation.

“Well… There are now… Five… Six… No, seven! Seven dwarves, who have appeared in the cave.”

“Goodness gracious,” lamented Astarion. “We will never keep track of all the body parts… Perhaps if Withers steps in to help..? Would you prefer to be the princess or the knight, darling? You can choose, I’ll take the other role.”

“I am going to use that journal for kindling tomorrow,” said Gale.

“NO!” came a collective shout from the rest of the group.

~~~~~

Sorry about the psychic damage, come check out my other work if you dare.

~~~~~

Tagging the usual plus some people who I think might also be doing / were interested in this:

@littleenglishfangirl @something-pithy @darlingxdragon @tallymonster @tragedybunny @spunky-89 @acourtofpenandpaper @yoonshope @lariatbunny @whiskeyskin @spacebarbarianweird @brabblesblog @littlejuicebox @icybluepenguin @snowfolly @pursuitseternal @comatosebunny09 @kittenintheden @bardic-inspo @tavyliasin

#BG3AprilFoolishness #bg3 #bg3 fanfiction #fanfic challenge #april fools #writing challenge #baldur's gate 3 #comedy smut #astarion #tav #karlach #gale #shadowheart #lae'zel #wyll #smut

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tavyliasin · 2 months

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Open FanFic Event! April Foolishness - LINK UPDATED

Welcome to a brand new open Baldur's Gate 3 challenge for writers who are over 18! The link has been updated and should now work, sorry!

The challenge is simple - write something spicy that uses the worst possible terms for body parts, sex acts, and so on!

This could be short scenarios, dialogue only pieces, short fics, long fics - whatever strikes your fancy! You are welcome to submit as many pieces as you'd like and to have fun with it.

Your works can be purely comedy based, or they could try to make something genuinely spicy and erotic but still using terrible terms at least once.

Have fun with it! If anyone would like to help me concoct a list or random generator of terrible smut words, please do get in touch by email, Twitter, Tumblr, or Discord~

ALL WORKS SUBMITTED WILL BE HIDDEN UNTIL 1st APRIL!

Please make sure everything is tagged appropriately with any CWs~ More Details Follow!

Examples of Awkward Words And Phrases for Smut

You might want to use modern euphemisms and slang, or you could find it more fun to dig back into historical terms. This article, for example, has a lot of modern slang for "penis" which would be wonderfully dreadful in any smut-writing: Thought Catalogue - Words for Penis This one, whilst I'm not fond of the gendered headings for genitalia types, has some interesting mixes of historical terms: Slate - Historical Terms for Genitalia Unfortunately, the linked source of the terms and timeline of them in this article is no longer available

If you have any lists and examples to help, please send them to me! Even better, if you'd like to help by making a randomiser that people could use to give them terms and phrases from a list we input that would be incredible~ Please get in touch!

More Details

Honestly as I type this I'm a little tired so I'll come back and add to the post at a later date if needed, and add in Q&As if anyone has anything to ask about the event!

Deadline - 1st April 2024, to release everything on April Fool's Day

Suggested tag #BG3AprilFoolishness

(If anyone else is using that, my apologies, I'll edit something else)

#baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 fanfiction #fanfic #fanfic challenge #april fools #BG3AprilFoolishness #creative challenge #smut but make it comedy #or comedy but make it hot #bring all your clams and tallywhackers

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unkindledangell · 8 days

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Helloo. Finally a digital drawing, been a while since I did anything other than a sketch.

And for the first time since 2017, I bothered to draw something for a writing challenge. I took the time to edit the drawing as a cover.

This is a challenge in Spanish, 8 days with different types of kisses. I missed 23-25 so today I'll upload their 4 corresponding drabbles.

Another Sastiel smoch [colored] 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Best quality:

https://x.com/UnkindledAngel/status/1783972816452214965?t=9i_ass08pjQhstQUG9JYOw&s=09

#supernatural #supernatural fandom #my art #sastiel #sastiel fanart #sam winchester #castiel #kisspril 2024 #fanfic challenge #sam and cas

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http-paprika · 4 months

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My submission for @deadbranch 50 word challange! Just a little Graves snippet for y'all! <3

"Stop!"

“I’m not doin’ a damn thing.” Phillip grouches as you call him out, folding his arms and pouting. “Can’t I stare at the most beautiful thing to exist?”

“Phillip–” You roll your eyes, trying to stay focused.

“So maybe I want to do more than just stare. Sue me.”

#call of duty #call of duty mw2 #phillip graves #phillip graves cod #50 word challenge #fanfic challenge #phillip graves x reader #cod graves #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty modern warfare 2

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000marie198 · 6 months

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Fanfic Writing Challenge

The imagery of Sonic, Rouge and Tails being the most annoying and skilled little team of pickpocketers/thieves and their gold dynamic inspired this but I can't write at the moment bcoz my right hand is on a vacation.

So anyways, here's your challenge:

Take three of your most MOST FAVORITE characters in a franchise, any three. Make them a team. Make them the antagonists of your story.

Also take three to five of your LEAST FAVORITE or MOST HATED characters in the same franchise and make them the protagonists. Of the actual story or just the world in the story? That's up to you.

Rules:

No nsfw, suggestive, incest etc. Keep the freaky stuff away please.

OCs are welcome but as side characters

Aside from the fandoms I'm in and greatly looking forward to (Sonic, Httyd, TMNT), any franchise is allowed

You are free to make the ending in the Protags' or Antags' favour

The length of the story is also unlimited. It can be a drabble, it can be a novel. And everything in between

Make a Tumblr post with the link to the story (or with the story if you decide to publish it here) and tag me so I can read it. I'll be making a separate blog for reblogging the stories in and sharing them on main too.

Tag your post with 'alignment switch challenge' (yes I know your favs can be morally grey or villains in can and vice versa for least favs but I needed a tag and this one works.

AUs are welcome, feel free to place your characters in any setting and run with it

No reader inserts or ' x reader' please.

The main characters (both protagonists and antagonists) must be canon characters

This challenge has No Time Limit, so feel free to finish or start it whenever . Have fun!

P.S. Reblog this so more people can see it even if you don't plan to participate.

#fanfics #fanfic #writing challenge #fanfic challenge #fanfic writing challenge #alignment switch challenge #httyd #tmnt #sonic the hedgehog #sonic #sth #plz don't mind me tagging these fandoms. i just really love them

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shards-of-silver · 3 months

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Thrawn Fandom Event Interest Check: RarePairs Challenge

Last year, I participated in the 2023 SW RarePairs Challenge. It was a ton of fun! I was thinking we could have something like that on a smaller level for Thrawn fandom specifically.

Potential rules:

Can write/do art for any ship that has less than 100 works on Ao3.

Fic/Art is for a Thrawn fandom or adjoining fandoms (Rebels, Ahsoka). Includes both Legends and Canon. Thrawn himself does not have to be part of the ship.

Any word count is acceptable! Threesomes and friendships are allowed too.

If we want to make it an exchange, that can be done. Otherwise, I was gonna create a moderated collection on Ao3 that accepts works up to a certain date.

Like/Reblog if interested! Let me know if you have any suggestions.

#star wars #thrawn #fanfic #grand admiral thrawn #fanfic challenge #thrawnrarepairs2024

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newwwwusername · 10 months

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Nimona (2023 Movie) - Ballister/Ambrosius - Cleft Awareness Month Prompt 8 : Hearing Problems

Prompt : Write a fic (can be fluff, hurt/comfort, whatever the author sees fit) where a character has a cleft palate (lip is optional) and their hearing isn't great because of it (can range from just slightly poor hearing to severe hearing loss/issues). Headcanon : Ballister has a cleft lip and palate

"Bal?" Ambrosius said, catching the other man's attention.

"Hm?"

"I asked what you wanted to get for dinner" Ambrosius said patiently.

"I didn't hear you, sorry" Ballister said with a small frown. His hearing had been getting worse recently.

To be fair, it had never been great. Due to his cleft, he'd gotten a lot of ear infections when he was young, and it had led to gradual hearing loss. Even with all the high-end medical treatment he had access to once the Queen had taken him under her wing, the infections and subsequent hearing loss didn't just go away until they'd taken the next step and put tubes in his ears but, by then, the damage had already been done.

Plus, he was getting older now. He wasn't elderly by any means but, his aging ears (which were often assaulted by the chaos of his life), combined with the wear and tear from the ailments of his childhood... Yeah, it certainly added up.

"That's alright. You don't need to apologize" Ambrosius replied with a warm smile, pulling him back to the present. "So... Dinner?"

"Nimona likes pizza" he said almost instinctually. Ambrosius chuckled, but Ballister only returned it halfway, and that's when he clued in that something was wrong.

"You wanna talk about whatever's bugging you?" he asked as he opened up the delivery website on his phone and begin inputting the family's usual order, making sure to get a bit extra for Nimona, since she was out playing with the local kids and tended to be especially hungry after a long day of chaos.

"It's just... My hearing's been getting worse" Ballister sighed. Ambrosius looked up at him with concern.

"Do we need to take you to the doctor?"

"It's nothing serious" Ballister assured him. "It's just aging and... You remember how I got ear infections all the time when we were kids?"

"How could I forget?"

"That also had worn down on my ears a fair bit" he explained. "I guess it's just all finally catching up to me"

"Okay" Ambrosius nodded. "Thank you for telling me"

"Of course" Ballister replied with a crooked smile. "No pineapple on the pizza" he said suddenly, glancing at the screen. "Nimona won't eat it"

Ambrosius just laughed and unchecked the 'Pineapple' option.

Do not repost on other sites! If you want to participate in this month's challenge, there are 31 cleft-centered prompts that you can find here

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i-have-not-slept · 3 months

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By The Angel Bingo Prompt — Free Space

Pairing: Malec

This is for the By The Angel Bingo hosted by @malecdiscordserver

For my free space, I chose the prompt Morning Sex

Warning: NSFW

Read on ao3 or below

Alec enjoys mornings, as a rule. Since he was very young, he was drilled to wake up early, ready for whatever the day might decide to throw at him. It’s become a habit, and it’s kind of nice to be awake when most of the world is still silent and sleeping.

For the past five years, mornings have also meant waking up next to Magnus, which is reward enough for anyone. Now, waking up early means that Alec gets to roll over and see Magnus’s face first thing. Every time, it shocks him with how happy he is.

On this particular morning, however, there’s a hefty stack of reports from various Institutes that need the Consul’s attention. So Alec does what he usually does when he wakes up before Magnus: makes a cup of coffee and slides back into bed beside him, balancing the paperwork on his knees.

He takes a brief moment to glance over at Magnus, sprawled out on his side with his limbs going in every direction, uncoordinated and messy as he only is when he’s asleep. In contrast to Alec, Magnus tends to sleep late, sprawling out luxuriously until eight or nine when he’s not working. Alec doesn’t mind at all. If he could, he would simply sit and stare at Magnus until he wakes up. But sadly, there’s work to be done, and so Alec squints down at the first page, trying to concentrate of a description of how the Zagreb Institute took out a hidden nest of Ravener demons.

Magnus sighs in his sleep, rolling onto his stomach, and Alec runs an absent hand through his hair, soothing and caressing until Magnus’s sighs and mutters die down into even breathing again. Alec flicks through the next report, skimming more than actual reading. He signs the final page and sets it aside before reaching for another.

Magnus sighs again, this time a little louder, and Alec glances over at him to check he hasn’t woken up. But no, he’s still soundly asleep. Golden sunlight falls across the curve of his cheek, the long arch of his spine, beautiful little sunspots that Alec wants to press his lips to, kiss the warmth lingering on Magnus’s skin. But these reports aren’t going to sign themselves, and so Alec goes back to reading.

Magnus shifts again, hands now fisting in the pillow under his cheek. He makes another sleepy noise. This one’s not really a sigh, it’s more of a—

Alec stops. He pauses. Then, very deliberately, he puts the report down on the bedside table and looks over at Magnus. He’s still fast asleep, eyes closed and features slack. But now Alec stares at him, feeling every nerve in his body spring to shocked life as Magnus shifts on the mattress and opens his mouth in what is unmistakably a moan.

By the Angel. Alec’s only heard a sound like that from Magnus when he’s been very decidedly awake, and Alec’s usually been the one causing it. He’s never heard Magnus make a single sound like that in his sleep.

But it’s unmistakable. And as Magnus shifts again, Alec’s mouth goes drier than a desert as he realises Magnus’s restlessness isn’t just random movements. He’s— he’s moving his hips. Alec sits there, dumbstruck, as his unconscious husband grinds against the mattress next to him, breath leaving his mouth in little pants, sounding debauched and desperate.

Magnus’s lips part, and he moans, “Alec.” And then again, louder in case Alec somehow didn’t get the message: “Alec!”

Alec’s pulse surges, blood pounding in his ears. Magnus is dreaming about him. What’s happening in his subconscious? Alec is dying to dive inside his mind right now, see exactly what gorgeous, depraved visions Magnus’s semiconscious mind has conjured up. In his dreams, does Alec grab his wrists and pull him closer? Does he push a leg between Magnus’s thighs for him to rut against? Does he pin Magnus against a wall, plastering their bodies together as he grabs Magnus’s thigh in his hand, pushing it up to open him to Alec’s fingers?

Magnus is panting hotly now. His mouth has left a damp patch on the pillow as little puffs of air escape him, accompanied by the occasional “Mmmm.” or “Alec.”

And Alec wants— he wants to wake him up straight away, flip him over and give him the good fuck he so clearly craves. He wants Magnus awake and writhing with pleasure under him. But he has no idea how these kinds of situations work. He has no idea what’s allowed, how far his rights as a husband and a lover extend. Should he wake Magnus up or let him sleep? Should he leave the room? Is Magnus going to want him there when he wakes up? Alec tries to form a coherent thought, mind distracted and addled by the sight of Magnus pushing his knees up towards his chest as he ruts against the pillow under him. The sheet covering him slips further down, exposing more of his back, brown and sun-kissed and glimmering with the faintest sheen of sweat. A little more and it would slip off entirely, exposing the simply glorious curve of his ass. Alec shudders a little with suppressed want. He forces it down, mind racing with indecision as he tries to figure out the best course of action.

As it turns out, he doesn’t need to decide, because the next moment Magnus moans so loud he apparently wakes himself up. He jerks awake, head snapping up and eyes blinking in sleepy confusion. He blinks at Alec, still half-asleep and struggling to focus.

“Magnus.” Alec says, more surprised than anything else.

Magnus blinks at him. “Alec.” he says, his voice thick and heavy from sleep. “What…how…”

Alec just stares at him, and Magnus seems to notice the condition he’s in— rumpled, sweaty, half-asleep and very obviously aroused.

He flushes, cheeks going a dark red that Alec desperately wants to kiss. “Oh.” he says. “Was that…was I…”

“Yes.” Alec says honestly. “You were. Definitely. And you were sort of, um—” He feels his own face flush in turn. “You were sort of…..moving. Against the mattress.

Magnus, if possible, turns even redder. “I’m so sorry. That— that hasn’t happened to me in a long time.” He laughs, sounding self-conscious, and Alec doesn’t get it. Is Magnus— embarrassed? Surely not. Surely Magnus can see that he had absolutely nothing to apologise for, that he makes Alec’s life infinitely better every day simply by existing.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Alec says. He shifts a tiny bit closer to Magnus. “It was….”

Hot, his brain supplies, but he doesn’t know if that’s too much, too soon. Magnus has barely just woken up, after all.

“Interesting.” he finishes, setting for the word that feels safest.

Magnus tilts his head, looking genuinely curious. “Interesting how?”

Alec swallows, aware that the room suddenly feels hotter. What the hell. He’s just going to go for it.

“I was wondering what you were dreaming about.” he confesses.

Magnus’s eyes widen a fraction. His head tilts back towards Alec, and the look in his eyes is just enough to make Alec that little bit bolder.

“What were you dreaming about?” he asks.

Magnus’s eyes flick down to the bedcovers for a moment before he looks up at Alec again.

“Oh,” he says, and there’s a hint of challenge in his eyes. “You want to know, do you?”

“What were you dreaming about?” Alec repeats stubbornly.

Magnus looks at him thoughtfully, a teasing smile spreading across his face. Then he sits up, shuffling around until he’s cuddled up next to Alec, head resting on his shoulder. His eyes sparkle wickedly, and Alec swallows.

“In my dream,” Magnus breathes, running a hand up and down Alec’s arm, “we were in bed together. Like this.” He gives Alec a brief, teasing look. There’s sin deep in those eyes of his, sweeter than honey.

“I was on my side.” Magnus continues. “You were behind me.” He taps his fingers against Alec’s shoulder. “One of your arms was wrapped around my waist. Your other hand was holding my thigh, pushing it up to open me.”

“Magnus.” Alec breathes. He’s not sure if he can take much more of this.

“Have I told you I love your hands?” Magnus teases. He takes one of them and puts it on his chest, over his heart. “So lovely and big and warm…Oh, and I love everything you can do with them, my darling.” He brings Alec’s hand to his mouth and kisses it, then very gently bites Alec’s fingertips.

“It was a very nice dream,” Magnus murmurs, releasing Alec’s hand. He slides languorously down to the bed again, stretching out like a cat. “But a dream just can’t compare to the real thing.”

And Alec feels the last of his resolve break as he reaches out for him. He pushes Magnus over, onto his stomach again, and runs a hand down his back. He’s so gorgeous that Alec thinks his heart might actually stop beating, sending him into cardiac arrest over his husband’s beauty.

And it would be worth it. It would be the most perfect way to die, with Magnus looking at him like that, cheeks flushed and eyes heavy-lidded as he looks at Alec over his shoulder.

Alec mouths over his skin, kissing the golden splashes of sunlight like he’s been craving to do. Magnus’s flesh is warm under his mouth, and he tastes of salt and spices. Alec licks a broad stripe up his back, chasing the flavour. Magnus digs his fingers into the mattress and groans, hips moving in tiny aborted circles against the silk.

“Alec.” he says breathlessly. “Whatever you’re planning on doing, just— hurry up and do it, please.”

“Someone’s impatient.” Alec teases. He sucks on the side of Magnus’s neck, just below his ear, suctioning the skin until a bruise starts to form. Magnus’s back arches and he tries to grab the sheets, but the smooth gold silk offers no purchase. He scrabbles ineffectually, hands sliding as he lets out small frustrated whimpers.

Alec decides the teasing’s gone on long enough. He lifts himself off Magnus and reaches across the bed to grab the pillow Magnus had been grinding against mere minutes before. He taps Magnus’s hip. “Up.” Magnus complies instantly, raising his hips enough for Alec to slide the pillow underneath, bringing him into an arch with his pelvis raised.

Alec drapes himself over him, plastering his front to Magnus’s back. He’s been hard this whole time, and his cock is trapped between their bodies, pressed into the small of Magnus’s back where he can no doubt feel it.

For a moment Alec thinks Magnus is too far gone to do magic, but then he waves his hand with a weak groan and a bottle of lube appears in Alec’s hand. He sits back on his haunches for a moment and applies a generous amount to Magnus’s entrance before dipping a finger inside him.

He clenches down immediately, clearly desperate for anything in him at all. Alec smirks. He curls his finger up towards Magnus’s spine, knowing exactly where all of his nerves are, exactly where to touch and press to make him writhe.

He adds a second finger and Magnus rolls his hips on them, hands clenching and unclenching as he presses down deeper and deeper. Alec curls his fingers in a beckoning motion, and Magnus’s muffled half-scream is the sweetest music in the world to his ears.

Angel, he’s beautiful. Alec could spend the rest of his life in this moment, never leaving this perfect tableau of sunlight and silk and Magnus, Magnus, Magnus. He can’t wait any longer, overwhelmed by the visceral need to be joined to him. To melt together until he can no longer tell where his body ends and Magnus’s begins. To press their bodies together until their very essences bleed into each other.

Alec sprawls out over him again, this time guiding himself to the wet, delicious warmth of Magnus’s body. Magnus rocks back to meet him as Alec presses forward, every inch that he sinks into Magnus like coming home. It’s absolute perfection. He feels Magnus suck in air, taut and trembling as Alec pushes fully into him, until he’s as deep as he can possibly go, their bodies fused together from shoulders to toes. Magnus moans breathlessly and sprawls loose and pliant under him. “Alec…”

His hands flex restlessly, and Alec slides his hands over Magnus’s, threading his fingers through his husband’s and linking their hands together. Magnus’s fingers curl tightly around his as Alec rolls his hips slowly, pressing Magnus against the mattress before drawing up again, pulling almost all the way out of him before sinking back in again. His hips move in slow, deep circles, a motion that has Magnus arching back and chasing Alec’s hips with his own.

“‘M here.” Alec assures him. He keeps moving, slow and deliberate, pressing a kiss to the back of Magnus’s neck before dropping his head down to whisper in his ear.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Alec murmurs to him, “all laid out like this, with the sunlight on your skin.” He thrusts into him again, deep and languorous, and Magnus’s legs shake where they’re pressed against Alec’s. Alec can feel the drops of sweat gathering and rolling down his calves. Magnus is close, he can tell. No surprise, considering he’d clearly gotten worked up from rutting against the mattress just moments ago.

“Want to spend every morning like this with you.” Alec continues. He brings one hand to Magnus’s hip, squeezing it, angling his pelvis up just the tiniest fraction more, making Magnus shudder at the new angle. “When I saw you— moaning my name in your sleep— that was so hot.”

“Alexander.” Magnus gasps, eyelids fluttering and mouth falling open.

“Magnus.” Alec breathes to him in the same tone, and it’s on the next roll of his hips that Magnus cries out comes, walls clamping down hard on Alec's cock. His whole body spasms, hands clawing at the sheets so hard Alec is certain they’ll rip, until he goes utterly limp, panting with his face pressed against the mattress.

Alec fucks him through it, the vibrations of Magnus’s body drawing him closer and closer to the edge, until he can’t hold back any more and comes with one final deep thrust. It catches him off guard, every time, how every nerve in his body draws tighter than a bowstring, tense and trembling, then something snaps and he’s spilling inside Magnus, vision whiting out from the intensity of it. And then afterwards, that exhausted, heavy feeling that makes all his limbs relax as he melts against Magnus, craving the warmth of his skin.

After a few long, hazy moments, Alec comes back to himself just enough to kiss the back of Magnus’s neck. “Was that good?” he murmurs into Magnus’s ear, voice thick and drowsy. “Did you enjoy it?”

Magnus still seems barely capable of speech. He nods, incoherently, and turns his head so Alec can lean in and kiss him. He gasps softly against Alec’s lips, and Alec can’t help feeling a twinge of smug satisfaction. Magnus is usually so eloquent, so poised, and yet Alec has the ability to turn him into a shivering, sweaty mess of limbs, so drunk on desire he can barely speak. Alec isn’t normally a proud person, but he’s proud of this. He looks at Magnus, lost in a hazy, post-coital flush, and thinks, I did that. I did that to him.

“Did I enjoy it?” Magnus gets out eventually. He blinks at Alec, brow furrowing into something resembling a glare. “Does your ego really need an answer to that?”

Alec can’t help it; he grins and wraps his arms around Magnus. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

Magnus slowly eases himself over onto his back, causing Alec to slip out of him. Magnus instantly reaches out to pull Alec down against him again, wrapping his arms around Alec’s shoulders. Alec rests his chin on Magnus’s chest, looking down into his honey-gold eyes.

Magnus taps a finger against Alec’s lips. “That,” he says, “was the best morning sex I’ve ever had. Ever.” He pulls Alec’s head down and kisses his nose. Alec scrunches up his face and Magnus laughs, the happiest noise in the world.

Alec pulls back and looks at him thoughtfully for a second. Then he leans down and kisses Magnus properly, coaxing his mouth open, warm and a little messy and perfect. Alec kisses along the curve if Magnus’s jaw and presses openmouthed kisses to his neck.

“My Alexander.” Magnus murmurs against his ear. “How you spoil me.”

“No more than you deserve.” Alec breathes. It’s true— Magnus deserves the world. Alec could spend the rest of his life worshipping him and it still wouldn’t be as much as Magnus deserves. It’s an honour and a privilege to wake up beside him every morning. To see him in all his unguarded glory, the way no one else gets to see him, open and vulnerable and entirely Alec’s.

Magnus pushes on his chest, and Alec takes the hint, sitting up cross-legged and leaning back. Magnus sits upright gracefully and flows into his lap, legs twining around Alec’s hips. He pulls Alec in and kisses him again, hands threading through Alec’s hair. “Thank you, darling.” he whispers, and Alec thinks that, as mornings go, this one started pretty well. Considering he’d intended to spend it signing Clave reports, ending up with golden sunlight and a lapful of Magnus is a much, much more agreeable state of affairs.

#malec #alec lightwood #magnus bane #malec fanfic #by the angel bingo #fanfic challenge #tsc #shadowhunters #cassandra clare #the shadowhunter chronicles #alec lightwood bane #magnus lightwood bane

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argyleheir · 4 months

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Where does everyone go to find fic writing challenges, exchanges, and events? Is there an active list somewhere?

#specifically looking to see if there’s a february kink challenge #fic challenge #fanfic challenge #fic prompts #fanfic

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tavyliasin · 1 month

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Fooling An Incubus - April Foolishness One Shot! Haarlep x Multiple

Haarlep is bored... They manage to organise another little event, a buffet of desire to feast upon all night as various couples and groups enjoy their aphrodisiac tainted wine and specially prepared rooms. However, the wine was a gift from one Volothamp Geddarm. The wizard seems to have something other than tall tales up his sleeves, as Haarlep finds themselves experiencing pleasure through a different lens. It still feels good, of course, but there's something different to normal...

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This is the April Fools "write terrible smut" challenge to use as many awful words for genitals and sex as possible. I gave it a paper thin plot as an excuse to throw Haarlep into the ring with a bunch of favourites.

5,157 Words (Split into 5 Chapter headings)

Click Here for AO3 Version And Click Here for the AO3 Collection with everyone's wonderful terrible works for the challenge! Pairing: Haarlep with: Astarion/f!Tav/Halsin, Dammon/Karlach/Wyll, Abdirak/He Who Was, and a passing mention of Volo/Blurg/Omeluum at the end SPICE Rating: 3.5/5 Content Warnings and Tags: Intentionally Bad Smut, Biting, Blood, Vampire Bite, aphrodisiac, Oral Sex, Group Sex, Restraints, Power Play, BDSM, Hand Jobs, Spitroast, Pegging, Sex Toys, magic sex toys, Cockwarming, using tails for sex things, furniture play (mild), Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, pain play, riding crop whipping, Anal Sex, overstimulation

Spoilers Barely a thing besides characters and the House of Hope existing. Canon Compliance HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Other Notes I gave myself psychic damage writing it and now you can join me as you read it.

Song Pairing Ok maybe this time I'm being less interesting, but I tried looking for something with fitting lyrics and came up short. So instead, listen to the elevator music that I put on while writing it, that should fit the mood just fine~

FULL ONE SHOT BELOW THE CUT!

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Chapter 1 - Boredom and Wine

Haarlep was bored.

A known dangerous state for an incubus to be in, they were not only bored but they were hungry . Few guests had entertained them of late, so their mind turned over their options. No events they were aware of were due in the near future, and after their last little party Raphael had said in no uncertain terms that he would not be entertaining another orgy. They rolled their eyes. Surely there was something…

—

A week later, the rooms in the House of Hope had been prepared and a banquet thrown. A Spring Feast, Haarlep had argued, a way to bring together those who should be reminded of Raphael’s influence and affluence. They even invited Volothamp Geddarm to ensure that the fiend’s grandeur could be properly recorded in his rise to greatness - or that’s what they told him to soothe his ego and push him to allow the event to go ahead.

The incubus stalked the banquet hall, observing with no small amount of pride the couples, throuples, and other groups of guests that were slowly falling to the spiked wine. They sipped from their own glass, allowing themselves a slight smile of satisfaction as Volo himself strolled over.

“Ah, there you are! Are you enjoying the wine? I had it imported over myself, you know, from a very special supplier. I assume you’ve already tainted it? The flavour has a distinct edge of spice that I don’t recall from my last sampling.” The bearded wizard was already talking a mile a minute asking plenty of questions without awaiting a single answer.

“You are already aware, then, of its effects? My usual guests should be retiring shortly~” Haarlep grinned a little wider, glancing down at the strange little man who had far too bright a look in his eye as he took a sip himself.

“That’s exactly what I’m counting on, my friend! A fine experiment, I should say, though it was not entirely of my own devising. You see there is a custom in a far off land for pranks at this time of year - nothing harmful of course, and I wouldn’t dare to interfere with your own particular feedings. I’m actually rather looking forward to a little dalliance with my fellow inquisitive minds.” He waved across the room at a hobgoblin standing next to an illithid, the sight itself making Haarlep relieved that Raphael had chosen to sequester himself away from the festivities for a change to focus on his contracts. “Now, do tell me everything tomorrow, I shall be very interested to hear of your experience.”

Before Haarlep could so much as enquire what in all the hells the odd little man was on about, he was already walking away. With several of the couples already making their way to their rooms, the incubus chose to finish their glass and begin to visit the rooms they had arranged earlier.

---

Chapter 2 - The Pleasures of Elves

The first door opened to a sight that Haarlep drank in like a well aged spirit.

A familiar looking elven rogue was on the bed, her vampire lover on one side and their druid on the other. All three looked as hungry as the incubus felt, licking their lips as they padded softly across the cool floor to the bed where the trio were waiting.

“That didn’t take long, you owe me 5 gold.” Tav smirked, her body an open invitation which had been addressed to everyone in the room, and Haarlep was ready to lick the edge of her envelope to seal the-

They shook their head for a moment. That wasn’t right, was it? They looked back at her, admiring how her heaving bosom danced arousal with every breath.

“Come on, Haarlep, there’s room for everyone.” She beckoned them over, as her lovers began to ply her with kisses.

The incubus blinked away their confusion, savouring the rising lust in the room. Halsin was already guiding her hand towards his growing meatstick, while Astarion favoured pressing his mouth-hole against Tav’s neck, sharp points chomping down into her soft flesh. Tav moaned as his fangs penetrated her pale skin, legs spreading to reveal her moist garden of delight.

They felt their own ridged phallus beginning to try the strength of the leather harness that held them in place, though they were not concerned about seeking their own pleasure yet. They climbed onto the end of the bed, lifting her legs over their shoulders, savouring the little gasp as their spiked clothing pricked the underside of her thighs. Haarlep coiled their arms around her hips, fingers reaching around to dip into the well of her desire before using the ample lubrication to circle her hardened nubbin of pleasure.

Tav’s sounds grew ever more lewd as Haarlep began to taste the nectar of her private rose, with a tongue that could put a hummingbird to shame. They glanced up, seeing her head thrust back into the pillows, her own dirty pillows quivering with excitement as Astarion’s bite had moved down to her chest. The larger of the two elves was enjoying the ministrations of Tav’s clever fingers dancing waltz along the length of his organ, the chord sounding from his throat still far from its crescendo.

“My heart,” Halsin began to find his voice, “I need…more…”

“My, my, darling, greedy today are we?” The vampire looked up, a thin trickle of body ketchup trickling over his bottom lip making his teasing question outright hypocritical. “Whatever shall we do?”

“Astarion,” Tav moaned, cheeks hot and flush with arousal, “I have an idea…” Haarlep didn’t hear what it was that Tav whispered, but they saw the pale elf’s ears tint red. A moment later, he was kneeling on the pillows, straddling Tav’s head but facing towards where they were still drinking in her sweet love-juice before it could spill down her thighs. They slowed their motions, holding her back from finishing while her lovers rearranged.

They were almost disappointed that Tav’s soft little moans were being muffled by Astarion’s firm peach, her tongue clearly occupied with finding the pip at the centre of his forbidden fruit. Meanwhile, Halsin was eager to follow the vampire’s lead as he guided his lover’s head to devour his pink banana with a ravenous appetite.

Seeing all three giving way to such intense desires only served to whet Haarlep’s own already drenched hunger. They curled their tail around to tease a line up from Halsin’s knee, teasing the soft and tender flesh of his juicy ham hock, feeling a thin trickle of oil slick betraying his readiness for what they were planning.

The incubus was delighted to feel that the huge elf’s nether pit was ready to receive a fiend. They teased at his heated taint for a moment, relishing how he moaned his desperate need around the length of Astarion’s schlong bulging in his throat. The delicious noise only grew louder when they slid their tail several agonisingly slow inches into his tight and welcoming cave… They took a moment to imagine how good it would feel to slide their turgid meat-popsicle deep inside the druid instead, but that would have to wait for another day.

Haarlep refocused their efforts on Tav now, shifting slightly to change how they were teasing her planes of pleasure. Their fingers reached to curl inside her, tongue tracing out limericks on her sensual protuberance, sharp teeth just grazing her skin as she keened a wail deep into Astarion’s pleasure pocket.

She was, of course, the first to break. The incubus was well versed in how to reduce Tav to a quivering mess of flesh, her liquor of desire coating their lips and tongue as they sucked every last moment of her climax into full and shaking overstimulation. Her lovers were not far behind, Astarion spilling his essence into Halsin’s waiting throat, the larger elf happily devouring it all as his own orgasm began. For a moment, Haarlep was concerned their tail might be bruised by the clenching of the druid’s muscular sphincter, a volcano of spicy mayonnaise spurting forth from his thick tally-whacker as Tav continued to pump it in a tight grip. Satisfied that the three would be more than able to continue without them, Haarlep licked the last of Tav’s personal syrup from their fingers. Above them, Astarion was doing the same for Tav’s hand which was dripping with Halsin’s honey-milk. Everyone had eaten well, and their shared pleasure had easily risen the incubus’s greed to sample something from as many rooms as they could before the dawn brought an end to the festivities. Although, as they stepped back out into the hallway, they couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it was that Volo had put into the drinks. Or, perhaps more concerningly, how they were becoming accustomed to the pervasive strange mood permeating their sexual exploits.

---

Chapter 3 - A Tiefling Roasting in Hellfire

The second room was hot. Hotter than usual, which Haarlep soon realised was due to the presence of a certain one-horned Teifling who was eyeing them suspiciously. Wyll’s eyes almost mirrored Karlach’s asymmetrical horns as he leaned back on the chair with his arms folded behind his head, watching as the incubus closed the door.

“You look…comfortable~” Haarlep greeted the pair, before indicating the third in the room with them. “Though he looks distinctly less so.”

They were referring to the other Tiefling, peach hued skin completely devoid of clothing as he was on his hands and knees, blonde strands falling from the messy bun tied high at the back of his head. He didn’t turn to look at the new entry to the room, nor did he make a sound as his head was completely flush with Wyll’s lap. “Not to worry,” Wyll smiled, “Dammon’s fine where he is for now.” The blacksmith’s tail twitched slightly at the mention of his name. “Shh you stay where you are, good boy.” Karlach shifted in her own seat, bringing her legs up to use her lover’s back as a stool as she addressed Haarlep now. “Listen, demon-”

“Incubus.” They corrected her, a little annoyance in their voice only quieted by the wave of arousal that beckoned to them, drawing their eye to the dripping manhood beneath Karlach’s footrest.

“Whatever. I don’t usually associate with your sort, but given we are here on your invitation, and I’m able to breathe pretty freely here, you can stay.” Her brow furrowed, the glow in her chest looking all the more like a flashing warning. “But there are ground rules.”

“And what would those entail?” Haarlep began walking towards the trio, inspecting the slightly trembling limbs of the man on the floor with interest.

“First, no touching me. Look all you like, but I don’t want your hellish rod anywhere near my womanhood, and if even one drop of your infernal splooge gets near my minge I will personally incinerate you.” Her tone left no room for argument, and beside her the warlock was nodding.

“Him you can touch, me perhaps. But it might be best if you sit back and watch.” He paused for a moment in thought. “You don’t need to be a direct participant in fornication to feed from it, right?”

“I do not.” Haarlep nodded. “Although most find it far more enjoyable when I am an active player in our little games~” Wyll idly stroked the his lovers horns, pushing him down a little further onto his semi. “Good boy, a little more tongue now.” A slight mewl sounded from the blacksmith, muffled but carrying the taste of his lust in the noise. Haarlep licked their lips, savouring it. “Be that as it may, we have enough pieces on the board without your assistance, no matter how capable that might be. Do you agree to our terms?”

They took a moment longer, considering the offer, and the other offers that awaited them in the other rooms. “Very well, entertain me.” The incubus pulled up their own chair, choosing a position with the perfect view of the trio.

Karlach removed her feet from the blacksmith’s back and leaned over to lay a sloppy smooch on Wyll’s waiting lips, guiding his fingers to find the pearl of her dripping clam. “I’ve been waiting all day for this, soldier, please -”

He wasted no time in drawing her to breathlessness, the man below still warming his swiftly stiffening pipe and shifting to accommodate the growing swelling in his mouth. Wyll made short work of whipping his lover into a frenzy, expertly twiddling his thumbs around the nether-nipple between her folds. He added to her sensation with his fingers hammering into the meat of her snatch, savouring the howl that fell from her lips as she creamed over his hand. Haarlep licked their lips involuntarily as they watched Wyll devour the splooge from each finger in the manner one might enjoy the last hint of icing from a slice of cake. They continued to watch, enraptured, as the Tiefling woman recovered her senses and began searching through her pack that had been left carelessly on the floor nearby. Their eyes widened as she pulled out several metal dongs, increasing in size until she was finally satisfied with the one she held.

The final one she chose was almost impressively large - even by their own standards. She held it out towards the warlock first as she sat back in her chair, legs spread and feet resting on Dammon’s back again. Her weeping quim was clearly desperate to be filled, and Wyll obliged by casting mage hand to grip and manipulate the huge steel tickle-stick. “Gods, more!” She cried, gripping at her own heaving bosom as the mage hand increased its thrusting with a motion from Wyll’s hand. “We have to get it…good…good and warm…for him…” She panted heavily like a dog with its head sticking out of the window of a fast moving carriage, her hips bumping around like the carriage was going down 3 flights of stairs with the thrusting of the toy.

The tiefling on the floor remained as still as he could, his tail betraying his excitement as it quivered behind him. Karlach managed just enough presence of mind to coil her own tail beneath him, taking a grip of his turgid knob to give it a good yanking.

She jizzed with the force of a typhoon, barely releasing the blacksmith’s favourite hammer in time before she risked ripping it clean off his body with the force of her explosion. Her breasts danced erotically, nipples spinning with delight in the waves of pure bliss that took over her mind and body.

Haarlep raised an eyebrow as they watched, not entirely certain what tricks reality was trying to play with physics, but it didn’t seem to matter to the three. Wyll was holding Dammon’s head gently, soothing the blacksmith while he still did not empty his mouth of the warlock’s mighty staff. Karlach took a few minutes to recover, finally fishing the leather harness from her pack and fixing the huge unit to it with ease, though it seemed a little difficult even for the barbarian to move around with it swinging about in front of her drenched muff.

She made sure to spread more of her slick moistness over the ridged metal before taking hold of the blacksmith’s tail and lifting it up. She pulled out a plug that was about half the size of the massive wanger she was wearing and tossed it casually to one side. It didn’t take much longer for her to knock on his backdoor, taking his muffled approval as invitation to thrust all the way in with one strong motion that made him almost choke on Wyll’s skin flute.

The barbarian soon set a pace that could be described as barbaric, her breasts dancing to the rhythm with enthusiasm. Her tail curled around again, taking a grip on the blacksmith’s wing-wang and guiding his tail underneath herself to stuff it into her flesh pocket. Meanwhile, Wyll had his hands wrapped around Dammon’s horns, imitating a pole rub as he continued to have his soul sucked out of his ween.

Haarlep felt a little pang of jealousy, but the lust in the air tasted better even than the lingering hint of Tav’s body on their lips. The licked them, straying one hand over their harness as they watched the trio spill out across the floor - or in Wyll’s case down his lover’s throat as he held the man close in place, hips bucking into him as he spooged enthusiastically.

The incubus stood to leave while the trio were still regaining their breath. “Done so soon? I thought you devils had more stamina.” Karlach called out, still thrusting slowly as her overstimulated lover whimpered into Wyll’s groin, twitching and dripping onto the floor below. She slapped his toasted buns and drew a longer, muffled moan. “You could keep count if you like, see if we break our record with him.”

“A tempting proposition,” they replied already turning to head to the door, “however I have plenty of other guests to attend to. Ones who are not averse to my participation.”

“Suit yourself,” Karlach shrugged, looking back towards Wyll. “Ready, soldier?”

“Gods, Karlach, give me a minute…” He stroked the loose hair of the man betwixt his thighs. “Good boy, keep me warm a bit longer…mmmyes right there, your tongue-"

---

Chapter 4 - A Dictionary of Discomfort

Haarlep strolled down the halls, passing through a few rooms as they went. They spent some time with Shadowheart and Lae’zel, helping them to settle an argument about who was taking which role by taking their Archduchess form and allowing the two to compete. It was a spirited debate, and it was nice to finally have their own personal Cania flooding at last.

The gith and the half elf were not done when they left though, the ‘argument’ turning into a full battle of stamina. The incubus made sure to leave them with plenty of water in reach, neither seemed willing to back down until the other passed out from the exertion.

The next though… They paused in front of the next door, hearing the sounds of a far more intense session. They could almost taste the desire emanating from behind the solid wood, the door creaking open to reveal the sounds of the penitent and the priest beyond.

—

The scene was even more enticing than Haarlep imagined. He Who Was balanced on his toes, ankles chained to a sturdy pole with the hint of the toy at the top of it between his pale rear cleavage. At least a third of its length was filling his tight hole, a little oil trickling down his thighs. Abdirak was stalking around the nude Shadar-Kai, still fully clothed and wielding a thin crop that was leaving reddened welts across pale skin.

“You are here to witness his penance? Or to join it?” Abdirak turned towards Haarlep, a wicked light reflecting off the cold steel of his face orbs. He had a way of looking right through Haarlep that sometimes put even their iron nerves on edge. They closed the door behind them, the click of the latch adding to the metallic mood of the room.

“That depends~” The incubus stalked forwards, tail swishing behind them, wings rising and stretching in anticipation. “Do you wish to remain in this role? Or to endure your own pain for your Maiden’s blessings?”

“I will not object.” He Who Was gasped, still trying to stay upright on his toes as Abdirak walked around to his front, tilting his chin up with one finger to observe his reaction.

“You are certain, Dear One, that you can endure the agony delivered by another’s hand?” The priest checked, still watching closely even as Haarlep stalked around behind him to peer at the bound elf balancing on his toes. The incubus leaned over the spiked pauldrons of his shoulder, sliding their arms around his waist and savouring the jealousy in the green tinted eyes of He Who Was.

“You need not concern yourself with what I can endure.” The Shadar-Kai responded firmly, the inky void of their gaze meeting the fire in Haarlep’s own eyes with a dauntless intensity, despite his current predicament.

“Then so be it.” Abdirak leaned back towards the incubus. “I trust you will not disappoint. He has been… prepared , as have I.”

Haarlep caught the meaning of his words - there would be no need to butter up the back alley of either man, nor would they need to be concerned about an abundance of pain. That was what they both wanted most, after all.

It was the work of a few moments to pull the strands of the Weave in a spell that summoned a handful of red imps from another part of Avernus. The creatures sprang into the air with a brief and acrid scent of smoke and sulphur, and issuing orders in the infernal tongue was just as swift. Haarlep stepped back from Abdirak, though their hands drifted across his bare torso first, lingering and dragging a hint of claws as they moved away. Before parting completely, they slipped the crop from his hand, tapping it against his side to make a point.

“You won’t be needing any of this either~” They commanded the imps to remove the priest’s clothes, stacking though they saw no point in reminding the creatures to be careful with the sharp edges. Abdirak appeared pleased that the blades and points of his outfit tore at his flesh. Next, the imps wrapped their tails around his body. Some on the legs, some on the arms, a couple around his tender belly meat, fully supporting him as he was lifted into the air and suspended in a manner similar to the intricate rope patterns he often enjoyed. Haarlep stood facing the pair as they were held apart, eyes locked on one another. First they gave He Who Was a little whippy whip with their tail, striking his legs and watching with delight as the elf struggled on his toes, the end of the pole sinking deeper to probe his desperate prostate. Abdirak was granted a firmer slap to his nip nop with the whip crop, a deep grunt of appreciation reaching Haarlep’s approving ears. Both men were clearly craving the sweet agony of well applied domination, which the incubus was more than happy to provide. They continued a while in the same manner, alternating which got the crop and which took the hit from their tail instead. They were like a cat toying with its prey, adding their claws and teeth to the mix when the impact became dull.

They needed more though, more than just the panting and keening of two masochists who were about ready to nut if someone bit them in the gonads. Although…there was an idea. The imps followed instructions well, lifting Abdirak and turning him face down, bringing his face close to the elf’s twitching stiffy. Haarlep moved behind the priest, pressing his legs apart and digging their claws into the soft meat of his rump.

Their height worked to their advantage, finally dismissing their harness to let their gurt wanger flop out - although if there was one thing to be said about their sex right now it was certainly not floppy . They pushed into him, feeling how tight his ring felt despite the ample preparation, commanding him with a simple motion to begin to give He Who Was a little sucky-sucky.

The incubus stretched their wings behind them, pleased that the only sounds they could hear were the wet slaps of their bollocks smacking against Abdirak’s ass, and the keening wails of both men enjoying and enduring their session. They made sure to provide the priest with as much pain as Loviatar demanded, sinking claws and teeth into his back and arms, commanding the imps to tighten their grips and pull at his joints so he moaned with a mouth full of elf-boner. They wrapped their tail around his hot manhood and teased at his leaking hole with the tip, threatening to plug it before it could spill, yet not following through on that threat either.

He Who Was appeared to be struggling to control his voice, calling out long and loud, torn between succumbing to the pleasures of Abdirak’s skilled mouth and trying to prevent the pole he was balanced on from driving too deep and filling him completely. Eyes flashed from inky black to bright glowing green and back again, names Haarlep didn’t care for leaving with his composure presumably through an open window somewhere. Did the room have windows? Did it matter? Eventually Haarlep felt the building peaks of both men, licking the flavour from the air and savouring it before they blew their respective loads. Abdirak dutifully took every drop of his lover’s protein shake, swallowing with a satisfied moan as Haarlep filled him from the other end, the pulsing inside finally shattering him into squirting his jizz across the floor.

Once all three had regained their composure - hardly a tough task for the incubus, though they did enjoy teasing both past their limits before they were done - Haarlep commanded the imps to set Abdirak on the floor once more, even motioning for a couple to support He Who Was. The Shadar-Kai was drunk on pleasure, the shaped end at the tip of the pole now fully seated within him.

“You were both…delicious…” They mused, taking a moment to caress the cheeks of both men in an almost loving gesture. Almost. “I trust you can take care of yourselves from here?”

“Until next time.” Abdirak nodded, before releasing the ankle restraints and taking He Who Was into his arms, lifting him from the pleasurable prison he had been placed upon. “Ah, Dear One… Let me savour your pain like a fine wine. You still wish for more, do you not?” Haarlep left them to it, knowing the screams of pleasure and agony entwined would echo from the walls from both for hours to come.

---

Chapter 5 - Coming to an End

“There you are, my friend!” Volo beamed excitedly as Haarlep finally arrived at the last room. Their other guests had all been attended to and left more than satisfied, though the remnants of the wizard’s particular wine still left their head full of strange words and thoughts. “Come, come. We have been awaiting your report rather eagerly.” The incubus followed the excitable man inside, noting the mindflayer and its partner were sat, fully nude, discussing a notebook whilst filling its pages. “They’re here.” The hobgoblin spoke plainly, turning to face them.

“Take a seat, my good incubus, I have been so desperate to hear how inspirational the evening has been!” The wizard’s grin spread to every whisker of his beard, pulling a chair close to where the lovers sat together, Omeluum’s tentacles idly caressing Blurg’s body as it greeted them telepathically. “The wine has been of great interest to our studies. One has been taking note of everything within your mind, recording it, for posterity. Do all of your kind possess such an appetite?” It regarded them, with what they could only assume was a judgemental gaze, though something in its eyes also looked…impressed? Curious? Haarlep wasn’t entirely sure how to read the expression of a being with tentacles for a face and no genitals to speak of.

“You’ve been…writing what’s in my mind?” Suddenly things began to make more sense, and they turned to Volo who was still smiling like a fool. “Is this what you poisoned the drinks with?”

“Oh, no! No no no, picking up on thoughts is a particular skill of our tentacled friend here. I just added a little of my personal supply, a particular potion developed in the far lands of-” “The point, if you please.” Their tail batted at his shin like an irritated cat.

“No appreciation for a good story these day-” Another swipe, higher up his thigh and dangerously close to the end of his personal staff. “It’s one I drink when I wish to write the more…erotic literature, you see. I find it makes the words flow far more freely, dissolves away all those nasty little blocks where one can’t find the right word to describe the situation.” “So you end up with the wrong words…” Haarlep sighed, the plethora of wizard sleeves and tickle-sticks running through their mind finally adding up to the sum total of fuck this guy. Although, that might not be such a terrible idea… “Tell me, do you have any other uses for that mouth other than running it a mile a minute?”

“We do have room for another chapter.” Omeluum addressed the room through their collective minds. “One might wish to experiment with the effects of an incubus…”

“Agreeable. Fine data to add, while the opportunity presents itself.” Blurg agreed, dutifully presenting himself as another point of data.

“Hmmm I have yet to bed such a collection of creatures at one time, but I shall endeavour to please one and all, in the name of research!” Volo ejaculated, from his mouth this time but it was clear he was quite keen for other options with the speed in which his clothes hit the floor.

Haarlep contemplated their options. By now, Raphael would be passed out over his desk, drenched in sweat and his own emissions from the amount of stimulation through their deal’s connection. They had planned to go there soon, wake him and make him beg for a their full attention, to feel pleasure firsthand and not just ecstasy’s lingering echoes through Haarlep’s copy of his form. But…this was an intriguing proposition, and it would be a way to take a little revenge on Volo for tainting their night’s pleasure for his own gain. Not that they hadn’t enjoyed their time, of course, but…

“Agreed.” They nodded. “But the wizard will need a gag.”

—

By the time Haarlep was in the baths in the Boudoir, the light of whatever passed for dawn in Avernus tinting the room a brighter orange, they were entirely satisfied. Raphael’s stomping around and complaining washed over them like the scented soaps that smoothed their skin, as they completely ignored his rampage over how they had taken far too many lovers in one night and ruined his favourite underclothes. A copy of the manuscript, complete with the final chapter with the wizard and his cohorts, was already tucked safely away under the bed. Perhaps they could bind him to the bed and read it to the furious Master of the House later. He might quite enjoy hearing about how his Little Mouse had let her breasts bounce boobily as she squeaked with delight… They shook the thought from their head. Later. For now they continued to wash the kisses of a hundred lovers from their skin whilst trying to scrub the last of the terrible literature from their mind.

--- --- ENDING NOTES --- --- Thank you for joining me on this misadventure! Be sure to check out the other works in the collection or tagged on here with "BG3AprilFoolishness" This was...an experience? Let's call it that~ Really though it was fun to play with things being silly and using the worst terms I could drag from the depths. If you found this erotic, I'm not sure if I should thank you or apologise, either way NO REFUNDS! Until next time, loves, I promise I will never write anything this intentionally awful again. Probably. Until next year.

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