#heres hoping this year brings me back to the level ive been at

[pftones3482]

Five years still going strong on the "taking a selfie anytime I feel good in order to boost self confidence."

Something about this year was HARD. Idk what it was but I just didn't enjoy doing this this year as much as I have in the past. Esp towards the end of the year when my grandmother passed, the self confidence just wasn't there.

I did it, though, because I made a commitment to myself, so as is tradition, here's my favorites (ft my cone cat):

#me #my face #selfie #selfie challenge #heres hoping this year brings me back to the level ive been at #this turned into a journal entry somehow lol

[beautifulpersonpeach]

BPP, am really really interested to read your thoughts on Seven!

*

Ask 2: Hey bpp, can i be honest?? Ive been checked out of the fandom but still keep track of any music releases. So i didnt know abt any rumors abt 7. Imagine me being kind of disappointed that it’s another english song from jk when i watched the mv😅 it feels like his most promoted songs since last year has been all eng song… idk i wanted & expted something diff… i didnt like l&r, dreamers and now 7… it’s back to back lol. Tbf i didnt like My You too and thats in korean. At least not enough to listen!again after the first listen.

Im happy that still with you is finally on spotify tho. I’ll still be waiting excited for his album whenever it comes out. Hopefully ill find something i like in it!!

**

[BPP Note: Both asks above were sent before my "I don't like it..." post. The asks posted below were sent afterwards.]

**

Ask 3:

Same here

All the hype didn't matched with the song

1. rest members songs had so much depth and substance to it while this was the cliche boy chasing a girl song. Like we always dont need deep songs but the quality could be so much better. This was like just another pop song.

I think I'll put this on same level as BAD DECISIONS. But for bad decisions, atleast the chorus was staying on my mind while for this nothing was catchy enough for us to humm. Just because it's JK it will get hype but otherwise it's so generic. I think I liked LEFT and RIGHT way better than Seven. Even the rap portion felt so unnecessary and boring.

2. MV was kinda nice because of the production but concept was too shallow, the stalking and chasing was so outdated. In my country we have like 9293928843837 MVs in this same concept that not many make the same theme songs again.

3. The choreography. We haven't seen the full version. But for tiktok they do the highlight portions if that's so mediocre idk how rest will be. It was again giving the same mediocre showing off choreography and for me backdancers ruined it with their awkward moves.

4. they wanted this song to be played everywhere around the world. But there was nothing catchy enough to attract gp or go viral on tiktok, even if we sped it up. The only way to make everyone listen is to shove it down their throat but doing payola. But idk if investing in payola is worthy for the song. I also doubt the longietivity, as for me it was boring after 2 listens. I'll rather listen Like Crazy or wildflower or closer 20 times than listening this once.

5. I HOPE he'll bring something fresh to the table for his album and don't involve this mediocre producers who uses the same formula and same superstar persona to make a song successful. He is so much talented to sing a song which is so rich in melody and lyrics. And he can produce way better songs by himself.

Prolly a 4/10 for me

*

Ask 4: troye sivan's rush (which also came out last night) is exactly what I wish Seven was. I don't mean that in a 'I expect the things JK to make to be gay' way just in the way it's a fun, very danceable, sexy summer song that doesn't pull its punches. Something about seven feels too run through a commercial sanitizer a few times, even with the explicit lyrics.

***

Hi Anon(s),

Jungkook likes to fuck.

Rather, Andrew Watt likes to fuck and thinks Jungkook can relate.

JK has been talking about wanting to show more mature and explicit sides of himself for a good long while now. So I’m glad he’s finally gotten to do that, confirming for us why he keeps getting noise complaints from his neighbours since the mattresses all over his apartment don't help.

BTS has made songs explicitly referring to sex before (though it's been mostly the rapline doing so). So it's nothing new but I guess it's cool JK gets to share with us that he too has sex.

The question I posed to my friends immediately after watching the MV is, “Do you know who's been doing A&R for BigHit since 2020? I really need to know who is doing A&R for BigHit in America because they’ve been doing an appalling job lately. I'm starting to wonder if it's an inside job cause this song is kinda ass.”

That was me ~11 hours ago.

I didn’t like the song.

I’ve streamed Seven about 20 times since then I think, took a break from the song for a few hours, watched his GMA performance, caught a few minutes of the Wlive, then listened to it again just before writing this post and…

I still don’t like it.

Jungkook did a good job on the song, Latto's verse wasn't terrible, and while the song itself isn’t bad… the song isn’t good either.

It’s painfully, and at this point it’s a pattern so I have to add, predictably, mediocre.

Reserving judgement for the album, but Anons, I agree with you for the most part. The suits at BigHit are trying but they are woefully out of touch with the reasons BTS blew up in the West in the first place. I don't even feel like spending any energy doing a review or even trying to explain what I mean. So I'll just ramble on for a bit but try to keep it brief.

---

I have to give BigHit some credit because I can see what they're going for here. Andrew Watt is a very celebrated producer in the US, he won the Grammy award for Producer of the Year in 2021, he's got A listers in his portfolio. So, he's not a cheap name to book and I can see why the suits at BigHit thought he's the genius to gift them a song clinically designed for American radio.

But that pandejo phoned it in. There isn't a lick of creativity to be found anywhere in all 3 minutes and five seconds.

It reminds me of VIBE by Jimin and Taeyang, as the closest analog to the vague dissatisfaction morphing into annoyance and then pragmatic rationalization I experienced in that same sequence when listening to it the first few times.

The song is disappointing because we've all heard it before. Too many times, and we're bored of it. We've heard JK sing this sort of song for years, as covers mostly. So on one hand, while I guess it's nice JK gets to have an American summer JB-reject pop tune of his own, it's not good enough to be the track that introduces him to the world as a solo artist.

It's fine for any white, blonde, blue-eyed heartthrob that can ride on a pretty face and implicit bias to rack up accolades, it's not good enough for Jungkook.

And BigHit needs to start using whatever leverage a US$10.6 billion market capitalization buys you in Hollywood, to insist for songs that are at least as good as the songs made by BTS members and produced by their in-house team. It's a waste of money and everybody's time to fly a battalion to LA just to record 2014's summer hit in 2023.

In my opinion.

Still With You > Stay Alive > My Time > Stay > Left & Right > My You > Dreamers > Seven

*

All that said, I can't ignore JK has a taste for songs like this, and it's not his fault the song is shit (he didn't write, compose or produce it), so technically he shouldn't be punished for it. And the song is made for radio, while it's not my personal taste a lot of people really like the song (one of my friends likes Seven the most out of all the BTS releases so far), and it will catch on with some support. So, ARMY will support it including me, just to a lesser degree than I've done so far. Fingers crossed JJK1 has something solid on it.

#For people who wanted by opinion on Angel Pt 1 #take the latter sections of this post as one reason I'm not a fan of that song #Seven could've been fine as track seven on the album as an interlude or something #Not as the introductory single to JK's solo debut #Lol what a joke #Anyway #bts #jungkook #jeon jungkook #bangtan #bighit #hybe #bts fandom #bts army #JK Seven

[taikk0]

im crying ive been lurking your blog today after being curious enough to check your tumblr after constant watching of your videos on youtube and always thought how professional and clean your animations look and thought you were like oh idk 20+

then i stumble a post of you saying you're 15 and i 😭 💗 WHAT DO YOU USE TO ANIMATE PLEASE ANY TIPS FOR LIL OL 19 YR OLD THATS CURRENTLY NOT GOING TO COLLEGE BECAUSE OF WORK AND WANTING TO PRACTICE MY CRAFT BEFORE GOING AT IT *kneels and slowly merges with floor like melted plastic*

THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I'VE MET WHO THOUGHT I WAS 20 IS SO FUNNY IM SORRY IM FR JUST BLENDING IN WITH ALL THESE TAX-PAYING CITIZENS LIKE IM OUT HERE IN A BUSINESS SUIT GOING "HOW DO YOU DO FELLOW ADULTS" AT THIS POINT

but fr tho I'm flattered I can't believe someone would assume I'm at that level already 5 years in advance thank you 😭😭

as for what I use to animate I use Krita!! here is a tutorial I used to learn how to set it up + how Krita's animation feature worked:

Though this tutorial covers a lot of useful information and an animation tutorial, I do urge you to learn about the software itself in your own time. (VERY IMPORTANT TIP: if you don't understand how something works, or if you want to do something in the program but have no idea how regarding the tools it has to offer, it doesn't hurt to do your own research! I learned that the hard way unfortunately, and I hope other artists don't suffer the same fate. REMEMBER! DON'T BE AFRAID TO GOOGLE!)

and with animation tips I do have a few things I'd be happy to share

I made this playlist to help my boyfriend get into animation. What's special about this playlist is that I made it not just about how to make individual drawings move, but also videos that explain how and why individual design philosophies and decisions are made and how you can learn to use them to your advantage. I also added some videos in here that cover shot composition and storyboarding, since I figured that most animators strive for skill in more than one field. This playlist is still a work in progress and I'm obviously bound to add more in the future, but just know that most of the videos put on here are either videos that I think are REALLY helpful as an animator who wishes they had that kind of help in their beginner years, or videos that DID help me in my beginner years way back when.

The playlist is a bit short but quality over quantity amirite? Next up is a playlist that helped spark my love for animation and pushed me to pursue it myself: the Skribble Kibble series!

Not everything in this playlist is an animation tutorial, but I highly recommend it for someone with an untrained eye. This series has inspired me not only because it covered animation; a medium that I was already interested in, but also awakened my love for analysis when it came to visual mediums. what it does great, what it does poorly, what makes something unique, and what makes something the way that it is, and explaining WHY.

Animation Tip : Learn to observe! not just in life, but in other animated media as well. ask yourself questions, and break things down. try it out yourself and experiment! heck, go frame by frame if you have to! learn to learn!

which brings me to my next source: FramebyFrame

This account has been AMAZING. It's informative and presents visual guides. It's a great place to start when you want to train yourself to analyze animation in the moment. I always think of it as some sort of game, They always play the animation first before they show the breakdown, try to spot as many cool animation tricks as you can, and see how many are mentioned! They also recently did a breakdown on RotTMNT which I find to be super neat :]

Mikyomix's Personal Animator Tips (Great or Unhelpful? You Decide!):

wanted to make this it's own section because I had no idea how to properly fit this all in so it goes in here

Study first! I know this sounds super lame but I promise you it will save you so much suffering. It's better to already have a grasp on animation and its fundamentals before you actually start animating. I've gone into the pitfall of having really crap animation skills, feeling bad over it not looking right, going into a pit spiral of self-doubt, while simultaneously not putting in the effort to learn why it didn't look right and how to fix it. It took me a good while to sit down and actually learn everything before I officially started and had more confidence in myself to fix my mistakes and learn from past projects. I already mentioned it earlier, but again, don't be afraid to take notes and whatever information you find to be useful!

Pick your animated projects wisely! Listen, I know it's tempting to do that music video you always dreamed about with your not-so-simply-designed OC. But personally, I advise steering away from large-scale projects and animations that require more than your current skill level if you're a beginner. I know it sounds harsh, and I'm not telling you to give up on your dreams or anything, but just know that animations like that might be more than you bargained for, and could result in burnout and a final product you might not be proud of. You could easily tire yourself out if you're a beginner learning as you go, and I understand that many people actually advise it for the learning experience, but in my personal experience, it didn't really end well. LOTS of unfinished projects, time sunken in on something that I no longer wanted to finish, bad memories associated with the project, etc. Of course, everyone is different and you might not experience the same things I did, but just be aware of the cons. Instead, I highly recommend you-

-Design and create at your own personal convenience! If you're a beginner, I advise you to go simple. I know not everyone is interested in the bouncing ball or the flour sack, but there's no rulebook that says you're prohibited from designing a simple character to animate! Not everyone starts out the same way, and that's completely valid, I first started animating my furry OC's and I'm sure other young animators started in a similar way, animating the things they want! though there was one thing that I did keep in mind, and that was I designed my OC's to be easy to draw over and over again. easier for me to animate, and easier for me to draw them consistently. So if you're first starting out, don't be afraid to simplify! remove minute details if you have to. You can figure it out later no pressure! Just animate things because you want to, not because you have to. and that includes the tiny details that would be difficult to keep track of as a beginner. This is a bit of a smaller point that didn't need its own thing, but while you're at it, learn effective character design! not just for aesthetics and narrative purpose, but also for functionality.

Remember that you are not obligated to practice the old-fashioned way! Not everyone finds animation exercises fun, and that's okay. But whatever you choose to do, putting everything you learned into practice, IT STILL COUNTS AS PRACTICE. Every little animation you make counts no matter how short or unfinished it is, and your efforts deserve to be praised. why? because you're learning little by little and it is still very valuable! despite how small and minute or large and noticeable the improvement in animation quality is, you're still making strides in learning to be a better animator than you were before. Don't listen to what those old geezers say, you do you! animation is supposed to be a labor of love and passion. and being forced to do something under the obligation that its "industry standard" is frankly, baloney.

Animation Stuff (THE JUICE.): shorter stuff that also deserves their own section

12 FPS is great for beginners

Ease-in's and ease-out's are your BEST FRIEND

Timing Charts. you might not be inclined to write them properly, but it's useful if you're jotting things down. use them.

PLEASE. LOCK YOUR LAYERS WITH FINISHED ANIMATION WHEN YOU DON'T INTEND ON TOUCHING THEM FOR A WHILE AND YOU'RE WORKING ON A SEPARATE THING ON THE SAME PROJECT. I'VE LOST. SO MUCH...

Don't be afraid to mix tweeting with frame-by-frame. Sleepykinq tweening isn't the only form of tweening + tweening is great if you want to keep something consistent. Though if you want to go frame-by-frame with the convenience of tweening but without the visual integrity of tweening, tween on one layer as a guide and animate on top, so it's still frame-by-frame.

Unlimited layers? use them. Is a certain part of rough inbetweening giving you trouble? make another layer and animate it on there if you don't want to mess with the main roughs, then merge it down.

More frames does not equal smoother animation, it risks making it look slower. work with the FPS, not against it

Name your layers. save the tears.

Anyways, PHEW that was long. Sorry about that, I just have a lot to say about animation. I'm not NEARLY qualified enough to actually teach animation, nor am I linguistically intelligent enough to get the points I want across (I think). But I really hope that you and a few other people found this to be helpful.

I wish you the best of luck ^^

#i feel like my writing is slowly starting to improve omg #i like. genuinely think writing is fun but i dont think im competent enough FJDHFD #this was a post about animation why am i talking about writing in the tags #but uh YEAH #thats it ty for reading #animation #animation tips #animator #animators on tumblr #taikko asks #taikko talks 2 much

[thesherrinfordfacility]

hehe im the muslim anon here again!! [waves] we have a few similarities with good omens :0 there's the story of job! we call him ayyub and he's a prophet, not just a devout worshipper, but its functionally the same story. islam and christianity share a lot of stories because we have the same important people so to speak and so there's a lot of overlap in the biblical stories we see in good omens :)

what you said about aziraphale potentially being raphael really interests me though! especially since metatron (who in islam is called the guardian of the veil and is the only one who knows about the beyond - sounds godlike but is decidedly Not.) said "we need an angel of your talents [to bring about the second coming]" so the dots.. they are connecting...

though i will say that israfil doesn't bring about the second coming in islam; he blows the trumpet (twice) to bring about armageddon. we also have a version of the second coming, but our jesus/isa lives at least 40 years on earth and dies before the world ends. (i do not think thats the same in christianity uh but. my two cents! not sure what they are worth, but you can have them anyway) - 🌙 (is it ok if i sign off with that? just because i feel like i might want to say more things in future heh)

hello again, lovely!!!✨ welcome back! (and of course, sign off with whatever you like!!! thou shall be my 🌙 anon - im curating a little group of specific anons, it seems!!!💕)

also, i hope it's okay that i might ask a few more questions - i promise i will do my own reading, but i find personally it's easier for me to have some general context, and then go into more detail in my further research, and helps me not fall down the dreaded research rabbit-hole... so hope that's alright with you!!!

re: book of job, etc: that's again really fascinating (and just shows my complete ignorance of religion in general tbh) - to learn that there is indeed that level of crossover, but given they're abrahamic actually it should have been a bit more obvious to me (bit of a duh moment, there!).

metatron: now that is... intriguing. so, if metatron is definitely not at any deific level, does his knowledge of (from what im understanding?) the state beyond death make him omniscient? does Allah also know what lies beyond the veil - and if so, is Allah considered omniscient too? because from your previous ask where Islam (again, please correct me if im entirely misunderstanding this) encourages free will, wouldn't that potentially conflict with omniscience? or is Allah omniscient but resolutely 'hands-off' in letting humanity make choices and ergo mistakes?

so sorry - barrage of questions there! free will is a very interesting philosophical concept for me and one ive ruminated on a lot, so to have an alternative view is really helpful!!!

re: israfil: aaaah i just read back my previous answer; i had meant the day of judgement, not resurrection, my bad! but cool, thank you for clarifying about the second coming anyway!!! so if the second coming does somewhat exist in islam, does it not in fact precipitate the day of judgement? if not, is there any particular trigger (ie an equivalent of the second coming) that triggers israfil to blow the trumpet? or is it simply the order from Allah straight into the main act, so to speak? and actually, just out of curiosity, is there significance attached to two trumpet blows, as opposed to - say - just one?

thank you so much again 🌙 anon, im really enjoying learning from you!!!✨ (and feel free to nope out if you get fed up with the questions, totally understandable!!!)

#LWA anon and now 🌙 anon!!! #good omens #ask #second coming/last judgement theory #raphael spec

[lindszeppelin]

a little hair education

before i head to bed for the night, thank you to those that have showed me nothing but love and kindness and support today <3 it means the world to me.

now that some more pics have come out, i just want to leave this with you guys. like i said, im a hairdresser and ive been in the industry for many years. i know what box color looks like on hair, and i know what professional demi/gloss/and permanent dye looks like on hair. box dye on hair will look flat and matte. no shine. and it will be 100% opaque in opacity, unless you miss a few spots by accident, then the coverage will be spotty of course. but box dye is basically fool proof. that's why hairdressers despise removing it from their client's hair, and advise against using it because it ruins your hair.

what kaia has here is nothing but her natural hair. she did not put brown dye on her hair. not even the best hair salons in paris could take her from honey blonde to her natural color in one day, in one session. no way. that is a corrective color service that requires time, patience, and more than one session. no good hairstylist would ever get their client to do a corrective color service like this in one day unless they're a crackpot trying to swindle their client for their money (cause it's the most expensive hair service, probably next to relaxers and perms. due to the time and effort it takes to undertake.)

this is what her hair looks like today. her hair has always had this coloring and had a bit of a slight natural auburn tinge. depending on the lighting you can see it more obviously than others. this is not a product of slapping brown dye on bleached blonde hair. demi gloss is not 100% opaque, it is transparent to a degree. so you would still be able to see her honey blonde underneath the dye. think of it like putting a mesh piece of cloth over your hand. you can still see your hand underneath, versus putting a piece of paper or cardstock over your hand (ie. permanent color). and from the selfies she posted, she got a 100% all over blonde, even the roots got bleached.

but anyway, here are the clearest pics from today i could find.

and two recent pics of her hair before she went blonde to compare, just so you guys can see the difference.

exactly the same shading, coloring, and natural auburn undertone peaking through. for her stylist to get her from honey blonde to this type of level 5 brunette with that natural auburn dimension would take HOURS of precision and high level mastery of their craft, color theory, and chemistry. and this simply did not happen. this is a fact that you can take to the bank and cash. there is no professional salon grade color line that would be able to do this, nor is there a stylist on planet earth that could bring her back to her 100% natural state with that specific auburn shine without multiple sessions. you wanna keep the integrity of the hair, so you do multiple sessions to ensure hair health.

as a hairdresser i just didn't appreciate seeing the discourse about her hair today, so i wanted to educate you guys. and i hope i did that well enough. im just simply debunking the notion she dyed her hair brown this quickly. come to whatever natural conclusion you want to extrapolate from that fact.

[monsterfloofs]

Cirrus (Concubus) x Anonymous Reader (Sfw)

Part IV

(Well! Here we are! This has been a big journey for me oh my gosh! I don't think I have ever wrote some this long! The story is almost 9,000 words, I am so proud of myself! There is more angst in this section! There's a lot that needs to be explained here, and I hope I did it justice! TW for light mentions of trauma, some issues with bodily dissassociation and displaying trauma responces and anxiety! But it does resolve sweetly at the end! And things are looking up to healing and a better future. ^-^ )9

Part I ○♡○ Part II ○♡○ Part III

--

You sat at home, Serina curled up on the back of the couch while you ate a simple dinner.

Thinking back to all the things Vivian had chatted with you at the coffee shop. Trying to make a plan to stick to when you face the demon. You rehearsed what you wanted to say to Cirrus, all night and all next morning. The speeches you wanted to say, the daring things you hoped you would be able to convey. You walked to the library early, your mind worrying at the outcome and wanted to approach them before you found yourself backing away from the idea.

You ran into Cirrus into the hallway of the basement level, right outside their workshop. The demon stiffens as they notice you.

"Can I talk with you?"

Cirrus tries to walk around you, but you shift to block their path, holding up a hand.

"P-please?"

Your eyes meet theirs, keeping your gaze steady, Cirrus looks away and gestures towards their workroom silently.

You rest your hands on your knees sitting in a chair Cirrus provided you. Amongst the books and paper of their work. The silence was awkward and filled up every crevice of the room with a suffocating tightness.

"You knew. . . I liked you." You began, "Why. . . didn't you say something?" It wasn’t what you had expected yourself to say. It wasn’t one of the many options you had pep talked yourself on. Revved up on Vivian’s fiestyness, you had felt that you should be bold, tell Cirrus that they had treated you wrongly. Ask for an explanation of why they had acted the way they did.

Cirrus leans against one of their many work tables, their forehead crinkling.

". . .I owe you an apology first and foremost.”

Cirrus gives a slow sigh, taking off their glasses and folding them neatly before setting them beside the table. Your head bobs up in surprise.

“When you arrived at the bar I was. . . flummoxed. You turned up suddenly, and I was not prepared to see you there. I had all intent to attempt to avoid you while you were visiting, then Vivian appeared I panicked. It felt as if the image I had been carefully curating for years, broke into a thousand bloody shards. I never wanted you to see me in such a place, and if it wasn’t for. . . what I am, I would never choose to step foot inside.”

“I am sorry, I am not following. What do you mean?”

“I do not particularly enjoy what I am.” They respond quietly. “It comes with a lot of strings attached. Especially in the subject of trusting others with such an intimate part of myself. Despite how frustrating Vivian and the others are, I envy them. I really do. They are brave enough to wear their hearts on their sleeves. To experience love and loss and be their true selves.” Cirrus crosses their arms, tipping their head to the side and closing their eyes.

“I can’t follow in their footsteps. . . I have tried. I have tried to be physically open with strangers and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I can’t bring myself to do such acts, even if I’m starving.” Their mouth twists into a rueful smile. “It’s. . . shameful. A creature that needs sexual energy to survive. . . and yet. Yet it turns my stomach sour. I become nauseous and anxiety ridden just thinking about it. I don’t know anything about them. So how could I even think to lower my guard around someone I don’t even know. So that is why I work at that bar. Because if I did not work there, I do not think I would be able to carry on as long as I have.”

You were hanging onto their every word, focused on the demon. You watched Cirrus’ slender shoulders shift as they sigh.

“And then you came along. Cheerfully stubborn, a walking disaster on two legs.” They give a short huff of laughter. “Whatever the world throws at you, you bounce back. You dust yourself off and laugh.” The faint smile that had been playing upon their lips falters and disappears. “I like you too. I do. But it’s selfish of me to want, and yearn, so I did my best to keep you at arm's length. What else could I do? I rarely want to face the truth of who I am when I am alone. Thinking about sharing this, this ailment? This divergence of thinking, that has me battling against the very nature of my design? It would be sending you down into my own struggles and problems if I let you get closer. And I know you. You would try to shoulder my pain, and that is something I would regret with every ounce of my being.”

You take a deep breath, nudging the toe of your shoe against the carpeted floor. “I don’t think that’s an ailment. . . to me it sounds like well being different. Having a different mind, a different comfort zone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. . . Wanting to know you can trust a person, before you let yourself fall? That’s something that I can relate to a lot. But I don’t think I could ever fathom the pain you’ve had to deal with by the added weight and uncomfortableness that you had to fight through to just be yourself.” You take another shaky breath and nod.

“It is so hard, especially when you feel like your body and mind is going in two different directions. You think something is wrong with you, like you’re a sicko or, you start to hate yourself and—“ You cut yourself off as you find Cirrus watching you.

“D-did I s-say too much?”

“N. . . no. . .” Cirrus’ voice a faint whisper. “I would appreciate it if you told me more.”

You blink, taken aback before giving a nervous smile. “A-ah. . . w-well. . .“ You’re shoulders shrug. "Well, knowing what I know right now about myself— My brain doesn’t formulate intimate attraction easily, I have to. . . y’know. Like you said, know somebody for a while. Before I started to read about other peoples experiences with different sexualities and stuff. . . I used to kind of hate myself for that. I couldn’t really feel attraction towards people, but yet I would still get these intrusive feelings, or thoughts, and I did really feel like there was something really wrong with me.“

You notice Cirrus’ hands clenched tightly on the table, knuckles turning pale.

“B-but it’s not! And you’re not! When I started to research and poke around, there’s a whole range of sexualities where you experience different levels of attraction or libido and they work individually and differently for everyone. I th-think it’s a wonderful thing! Now I can say hey! I have these traits and I may feel this, but I have to have xyz thing, before I feel comfortable with having a partner. There’s nothing wrong with that, I promise.”

The words that had spilled out of you had run dry, catching a glimpse of Cirrus’ head down, their long white bangs hiding their face from view. But tremors raced up and down their form.

“Like you’re broken?” Their voice stuttered with a tight and throaty tone, “Like your very being was at odds with itself?”

The back of your neck tingled as goosebumps raced over your arms and you nodded slowly. “Y-yeah. . . It d-does feel like that. . .” You stared at them with a growing concern.

Cirrus put a hand over their forehead, forcing out a bitter laugh.

“Wonderful. Just wonderful. Now I understand. How could I have been so blind?”

“I-“

“That's why I took this form!” The body jerks upright, hands shook as they gestured to themselves emphatically. “I wanted to be as non-descript as possible! I didn’t want to be seen! I didn’t wanted to be someone people judged just by appearance! Knowing what I am and making assumptions! I just wanted to be seen as me! Alone! And yet I can’t survive by starving myself indefinitely!” They snarled, grabbing a fistful of their white hair and pushing it back out of their face. They grit their teeth, as tears slip down their cheek.

You sit rooted in your chair, your heart beating a fast tempo in your throat.

“I need. A moment.” Cirrus' voice shook as they pushed themselves off the countertop. “I need some time to myself.”

“W-would you like um. . . m-me to make you some tea?”

They stood with their hands pressed to their face, breathing deeply to calm their nerves. They shakily intertwine their fingers, forehead resting against the knuckles. “. . . th-that would be nice a-actually.”

You scurry out the door without a sound of affirmation leaving your lips, hopping up the stairs two at a time before reaching a library desk.

“C-can I use the break room to make some tea? I think the Grimoire Conservator is having an anxiety attack!”

The goblin at the service desk looks up, freezing at their desk before hurriedly setting down their paperwork.

“Thank you—“ You huff as you hurry after them.

You stand at the threshold of the door, cup in hand hesitating if you should go back inside or give them more time to themselves.

Great job dummy, you were trying to comfort them and try to understand where they were coming from. . . not give them a panic attack.

You take your free hand, wafting it back and forth to dissipate the dark thoughts that want to crowd your mind. You take in a counted breath before your knuckles rap gently upon the door.

You step back as the door opens, “You don’t have to knock.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to come in yet or not. . .” You look Cirrus up and down, “Do you. . . want to talk about it?”

They look weary, “Not right now. . . I. . . don’t think I can stomach much more of that kind of discussion right now.”

You hold your arms open wide. “. . . Would you like a hug. . . ?”

Cirrus watches you, a short lived smile twitching across their face. “Perhaps after we set the tea down.”

You look at your hand before handing you the cup. “Ahah- s—“

You blink as they take the cup and wrap their arms around you. You stay like that in the hallway. And the world is quiet. You tilt your head, your arms tightening around them as you feel teardrops patter onto your shoulder.

~

There’s frost upon the windows as you step outside, the prisms look like little rainbow diamonds scattered across the living room.

"It's about a couple weeks now since me and Cirrus had that heart to heart," You say to Serina as you check your pockets to make sure you have your essentials before heading out the door. She's basking on top of a heating vent, the tip of her tail swishing in a slow casual curl.

"But, I really feel like Cirrus is a lot happier now than they were before." You continue on despite the cat's silence, "I am really happy for them. Some days are harder than others to be sure, but overall. . . they really seem like they are beginning to embrace their differences."

Serina stares at you, and you laugh, "I'll be careful, I promise! I'm. . . really, really excited actually. We're going out to see a movie. Does this count as our first date? I don't know! But wish me luck, okay?"

Rina's ears go back, closing her eyes to softly meow at you. You beam, blinking slowly at her before opening the door to your house and stepping outside.

"Heya!" You shoot your hand up and wave at the entity standing at your side walk. Cirrus was wearing a simple black pea coat, and holding another coat under their arm.

“You forgot your coat, at my house.” You beam as you hopped down the stairs to reach Cirrus, “Do you think it’s really that cold?”

They huff softly as they bundle you into it, “No. But you can’t be too careful.”

“Oh! By the way! I think Serina really likes you! I noticed she was curled up in your lap the whole time you were visiting!”

“That’s nice dear,” Cirrus responded, “She was telling me she would find a way to disembowel me with a spoon, even if she doesn’t have opposable thumbs.”

Your face falls, pulling back the beanie that Cirrus had snugged down over your ears.

“Oh. . . Rina. . .”

“She was however purring the whole time, so I do feel as if I have received conflicted messages."

You throw your head back and groan dramatically as Cirrus gives an amused smile.

“That darn cat! I told her not to threaten you! Gee whiz! I am going to have a talk with her when I get home."

“She loves you dearly,” Cirrus remarks calmly. “I think it is safe to say she is very protective of you.”

You pause tumbling those words over in your head. You feign a skeptical grin. “That’s only because you haven’t known her as long as I have. "She threatened to eat my nose once,"

Cirrus cocks an eyebrow. ". . . only once?"

You snicker with laughter and give them a playful shove. "So where are you taking me? Are we going to neon light central?

Cirrus snorts openly at your coined term and the mention of the concubus bar. "Certainly not. Vivan would be breathing down our necks as soon as we walked in. That woman is feral."

"She's not that bad!"

Cirrus looked doubtful, "She typically says hello to me. . . by putting me in a headlock. There is nothing sane about that."

"Speaking of the bar. . . are you sure about putting in your resignation? I know that place stresses the heck out of you but. . ."

"I've already done it."

Your eyes widen, "A-already?!"

Cirrus nods, their tone matter-of-fact, "Yes. Before I came to your house. I am not worried about it, in any case."

Cirrus turns to you, gently cupping your chin in their hand, and giving you a kiss on the forehead. You freeze in place as they pull back, the faintest of playful smiles on their lips.

"Yes. . . I do believe I will be just fine without working there."

You feel your face burn, ears puffing out a short plume of steam. Then you hear laughter, a burst of happy and lighthearted laughter, as Cirrus squeezes your shoulder.

You've never heard Cirrus laugh before, and you hope you can make them laugh at least one hundred times over before the day is done.

♡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡｡♡

Thank you for reading until the very end!♡

Enjoy what I write? I have a tip jar!ヽ(*ᵔ▿ᵔ)ﾉ

I also have art and writting commissions open!

#monster x reader #monster x human #exophilia #concubus x human #concubus x reader #gn incubus x reader #gn incubus x human #sfw

[lgcsian]

hello again, legacy. thank you for the welcomes, but i regret to inform you that i am not new, and that this is merely eri ( she/they, 21+ ), lgcjiae & lgckiha’s typist, coming back for round two with my third muse. i am convinced though that this one, is going to be a keeper. funnily enough, i had intentions to bring liz from ive since december ‘22 — but then xg’s shooting star mv happened and my beloved lgcsomi got sidelined for lgcarisa. anyways, meet kato arisa, a japanese-american esfj scorpio from austin, texas. she still has elements of this said liz muse though, so it’s not a total loss. she’s a bit of a wild child, but i hope you come to love her as much as i do!

in eri fashion, i’m linking you to her profile. i am currently trying to work on some plots for arisa, but i’ve dropped some ideas beneath the cut that might help with plotting, along with her entire life story as a placeholder for her biography which i’m still working on too. but, if you’re interested in plotting with arisa, then please LIKE this post. i’ll post her tracker after this — off the top of my head i’ll be looking for threads with female trainees for the trainee mission. you can catch me on twitter @/metanoire and discord ( just ask for my handle ) if you find it easier to plot there, otherwise we can just plot in dms!

born kato arisa on november 20, 2002 ( 201102, see what i did there? ) in tokyo, japan to second time parents— her mother is a university level english and japanese teacher while her father is an equine veterinarian. she has one older brother, asahi ( born in ‘99, also born in tokyo ). lgcakio is arisa’s cousin ( akio’s mom was arisa’s mom’s sister ).

grew up living rather comfortably in a nice house on the outskirts of tokyo for the first eight years of her life. her father was able to operate his veterinarian clinic while her mother was able to teach at the university of tokyo. this left arisa and her brother to attend their cushy private school growing up. 

when arisa was eight years old, an opportunity came up in the united states for arisa’s mother ( teaching japanese at a university, in contrast to the english she had been teaching ) — the katos relocated to austin, texas in the united states.

somewhere along here i should mention that growing up, arisa had an immense love & passion for animals, and in particular, horses — she began riding at around four or five years old at a riding school near her father’s veterinarian clinic. she is truly horse girl.

her earliest dream was pursuing veterinary science like her father and becoming an equine vet, however as arisa matured ( with her passions & interests ), she eventually decided she wanted to become an equestrian and represent either japan or the united states at an international level ( arisa was and still is a talented rider and horsewoman, both in terms of riding and handling horses )

once her and her family were settled in their new home and city, arisa got her own horse— whom she affectionately named maki. she began competing with him and the two of them were inseparable. when she wasn’t at school or studying, she was probably riding.

( tw animal death ) the reasons behind this out of character are a little cloudy, but maki got sick and unfortunately had to be put down, which devastated sixteen year old to the point of her quitting. she stopped riding. she convinced everyone else and herself that she no longer had any interest in horses, riding or competing.

essentially reinvented herself. got into makeup, fashion, beauty, skincare and fitness in hopes that she would find something that made her feel happy again. it didn’t work.

arisa coasted through the rest of her high school years until she graduated, and as she was no longer “interested” in becoming an equine vet and/or competing, she gave up on pursuing a tertiary education. instead, arisa packed up her life, deciding to chase what her parents deemed a shallow, unfulfilling dream in seoul, south korea. 

present day — it’s been two years of arisa training at legacy entertainment.

fun facts.

extroverted, loves to socialise and gossip 

speaks english & japanese fluently, can somewhat navigate a conversation in korean

comes across as fake and superficial, but is actually a really nice person

that being said, she’s 100% okay with telling someone how it is

she use to snowboard when visiting her cousins in sapporo ( wasn’t very good )

she additionally travelled to japan like two times a year when she was growing up

she stays fit with yoga and pilates

because eri is unable to write anything else bi-con

future model™

despite being said future model™ she can sing ( and she enjoys it )

but actually loathes the idea of being an idol

also sort of loathes the aesthetic she’s got going on and feels much more confident makeup-less and covered in mud ( but no one can know this )

goes horse riding religiously every sunday at a riding school outside of seoul

would be interested in competing again if legacy permitted it

quick plot ideas.

fellow english and/or japanese speakers ( arisa naturally gravitates towards those who speak the same language as her, not intentionally exactly but she loooves to talk so... )

patient korean speakers who are willing to bare with the horror that is arisa’s korean fluency and/or are willing to help her improve her language skills!

friends, enemies, flings?!? idk let’s plot!

#ありさ◞ ⟡ : out of character #lgc:intro #( making gif icons like crazy )

[limerental]

ficletober day 3 - philippa/dijkstra

Busy pulling strings in Redania from the shadows, Philippa Eilhart receives a visit from a promising young spy. content warning for canon-typical Philippa Eilhart and grooming of teenaged boys with referenced/implied underage sex. Takes place ~30 years before the events of the saga with some fudged details about Redanian kings and politics. Given who Philippa is, I like to think it's pretty likely she was the one who originally recruited Dijkstra to the intelligence service and also given who she is, she was probably a little bit yucky about it

The boy planted both his hands on his knees, still huffing and puffing from his less than coordinated clamber up the trellis outside her window. She didn't bother to tell him he could have come in through the servant's door. Things were more amusing this way.

He was a clever lad and tripped over himself to bring her anything she needed, which these days was the comings and goings of the Academy, where one political unrest or another always seemed to be brewing.

But she had some suspicions that he withheld details here and there, simply so he had another reason to visit her the next night.

"You have news then?"

The boy straightened up, his breath finally returned to him. To her surprise, he had managed to hit another growth spurt, towering like a gawky gargoyle before her. He was certainly no looker and never would be. Not yet seventeen and his dark hair had already receded well past his temples.

"The Master Troy has taken a leave of absence. But some say he may not return for the next semester."

"Yes? And?"

"There's word that his retirement may not be wholly his idea."

Philippa sighed. She poured herself another few fingers of dark liquor and watched the boy follow her hands with his pale eyes. He was clearly hopeful that she would pour him a glass as well, ask him to sit in the high-backed chair beside her.

She did neither.

"Of course it's not his idea. He's an ancient old bat who still claims the sun circles around us and that we descended from amphibians. The Academy has wanted him out for years."

"Ahem," said the boy. "I only thought… I thought you might want me to figure out who wants him gone. Like with Vysogota of Corvo. He was officially exiled for religious heresy but less officially–"

"How old were you when he was exiled, boy?"

His cheeks pinked. He hadn't been born yet.

Under the aging rule of King Radovid IV, father to the present King Heribert, some poor sod was exiled once a week to appease one interest group or another.  The winds of the Redanian court had blown to and fro more times than she could count. At the moment, King Heribert was publicly wary and derisive of mages and spies but privately unwilling to dismiss them. 

Her doe-eyed young prince Vizimir showed far more promise. In a few years, Philippa imagined he would grow into a handsome, level-headed young man. Level-headed enough not to forget the rewards of allowing her and her agents influence over him.

"Thank you for the report," said Philippa. "But I'd prefer you leave any speculation to me, boy. You're still only seeing half the picture. Manuscripts and boring old professors can only teach so much. When's your graduation again?"

"This winter."

"Early?"

The boy's grin was full of crooked teeth. 

"Top of my class," he said with arrogance. Philippa did not bother to dissuade it, not yet. If all went well, she knew he would become a terrifying force for the Redanian Secret Service someday, and one needed a certain smug confidence to clash with kings and dissidents and uglier characters than that.

"Come here," said Philippa, and the boy visibly brightened with eagerness. At least, visibly to her, who had learned to read the slightest twitch of a man's face and glean his emotional state. 

Most men were too proud of the piddling things they felt and thought to learn to conceal them. Even a subjugated peasant man was likely to believe that his dopey ruminations meant something and mattered more than the mud and piss he slogged through.

Women, thought Philippa, will inherit all of this some day. And the men will not even wake from smug daydreams of their own importance long enough to realize.

The boy's expression barely shifted, and he did not move too swiftly. Admiring his subtlety, Philippa kicked off her heels and propped her legs up on the arm of the chair beside her. She watched the boy follow the curve of her long legs, limned in bronze light from the fireplace. "Well? Sit. They won't rub themselves."

"Yes, Madam Philippa."

The boy sat and took her feet into his lap, his clever thumbs pressing into the taut ache of her arches. He had nice hands. Big and smooth-palmed and exacting in the pressure they applied.

Perhaps after a bit more to drink, she would teach him a thing or two about using them in other ways.

"Sigismund," she said and touched the crown of his head. His hair there was soft and thin. "Pour yourself a glass. No, not so little. We're celebrating your graduation. And don't stop the rest in the meantime."

Dijkstra ducked his head to hide the burn of his cheeks and managed not to choke on the deep swallows of liquor. His fingers dug with surety into the meat of Philippa's heels.

#me just like cw: philippa eilhart #my fic #ficletober 2022 #the witcher

[rebelsofshield]

Favorite moment in each Star Wars movie?

I've been loving these questions lately! Not sure if you're all the same anon or multiple folks, but regardless, I really appreciate them.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

I mean, how can it not be the Duel of the Fates? The music! The ridiculous but fun as hell acrobatic choreography! The drama! I love the Prequel Trilogy when it feels the most operatic and that's definitely the case here.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Attack of the Clone is my least favorite live action Star Wars film. I think it has some great ideas, but it was rough in 2002 and visually it looks uglier with each passing year. That being said, I still find the arena battle on Geonosis to be fun as hell. There's just something special about throwing these Jedi, droids, flying termite people, giant alien monsters, Mandalorian bounty hunters, and eventually drop ships of clone troopers up against each other in a dusty coliseum that scratches a very special fantasy action itch.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Ian McDiarmid's delightfully evil performance in Revenge of the Sith is one of my favorite things in all of Star Wars and his triumphant speech that fully transforms the Republic into the fascist Galactic Empire is incredible. Add in John Williams's tragic choral score and Padme Amidala's tearful admittance of democracy's defeat at the hands of authoritarianism and you have movie magic and what might be my favorite moment from the Prequel Trilogy.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

I have the least opinions about Solo: A Star Wars Story of any Star Wars film. It's a solidly fine film that does little to impress or offend for most of its run time. The one area where I really feel the movie spark to life though is the first meeting between Donald Glover's Lando Calrissian and Alden Ehnrenreich's Han Solo over a game of Sabacc. Both actors bring such a fun spark to these characters that feels original but still connected to the long shadow of their original counterparts. It's also the best directed sequence in the film and maybe the only moment that leans into the space crime comedy that Solo seemed desperate to achieve.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

This is maybe an odd choice, but I love the first scene of Rogue One. I find most of this spin off film to be a little bit impersonal and sterile until we get to the big explosive (and admittedly fun) finale, but the opening confrontation between Orson Krennic and Galen Erso is really great. Gareth Edwards shoots it all with a grounded naturalism that feels tense and eerie in a way Star Wars films rarely are and Madds Mikkelson and Ben Mendehlson have such strong, dramatic chemistry. It's a moment that communicates so much about the relationship between these two men with so little and is really the storytelling high point of the film.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

It's honestly a testament to how great the last half hour of A New Hope is that despite the fact that I've seen this movie likely more than any other movie in existence, I still find myself on the edge of my seat. Even thinking about the final stretch of Luke flying his X-Wing down the Empire's trench while Vader gains ever closer and closer still gives me chills. I cannot imagine the cheers that must have erupted in theaters across the world in the summer of 1977 when Han makes his surprise last minute rescue. It's just incredible film making on every level and I don't know if it'll ever be surpassed.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Picking a favorite moment in The Empire Strikes Back is such a hard task, but I keep finding myself going back to the brilliant confrontation between Luke and Vader in Cloud City. Not only is it a beautifully shot and choreographed lightsaber duel, but it contains some of the most influential and emotionally devastating character beats in the saga. It's another instance of absolutely peak Star Wars.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Even with the beyond silly "NO!" dubbed over in the recent releases of Return of the Jedi, Vader's final rejection of Palpatine to rescue his son is still one of the moments of saga that can move me to tears despite having seen it dozens of times. There's just such incredible catharsis in this final reconciliation between father and son and it closes the best arc of the Original Trilogy off in such satisfying faction.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

I wholeheartedly think that the first thirty minutes or so of The Force Awakens are absolutely masterful filmmaking and arguably the best work of JJ Abrams's directorial career. While the opening battle sequence does a wonderful job of introducing some of the movie's cast, it's really Rey's mostly wordless introduction that felt instantly spellbinding and still wows me to this day. In several gorgeous minutes we learn so much about this lonely woman who scavengers to survive in the wreckage of classic franchise iconography (one of the Sequel Trilogy's many beautifully meta moments) and John Williams's crafts what is easily one of the best Star Wars themes of all time with a tinkling of wonder and mystery.

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Like The Empire Strikes Back, picking a single moment that's my favorite in The Last Jedi is incredibly difficult. While there are undeniably rough patches, The Last Jedi has an abundance of absolutely iconic Star Wars scenes. I mean: Paige Tico's sacrifice; the throne room confrontation with Kylo, Rey, and Snoke; Luke and Yoda's discussion about the meaning of the legacy of the Jedi; the Holdo maneuver, Leia and Luke's reunion, the ending shot of Broom Boy. There's so many beats that I find myself wowed by over half a decade after the movie first premiered. But, my favorite has to be Kylo and Luke's Kurosawa inspired duel on the salt plains of Crait. I love the tense, minimalist choreography and stellar performances by Adam Driver and Mark Hamill, but I love the ending reveal the most. It completes Luke's wonderfully complex character arc in truly beautiful fashion.

Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

It's absolutely the Force Flash Duel. Little competition. Yes, this movie is a mess and it fails to meet imost of its emotional, thematic, or mythological goals, but I think the evolution of Rey and Kylo's connection in the Force expanding into a confrontation that literally spills across space and time is such a smart and inventive idea and to me it feels like the most creatively successful moment in the film. Also it's the only time in the whole trilogy that we see Kylo duel with his mask on? Which feels important even if I'm not sure why.

#Star Wars #asks #ask box #anons #anonymous #commentary #review #reviews

[tibby]

as someone who HAS seen all of the saw movies what’s your take on Saw X potentially revisiting the 2-3 timeline and following amanda 👁👁

i think it'd be...interesting and very risky. obviously i love amanda dearly she's my favourite character in the entire franchise but she's very layered and i feel like it would be very easy to mess her up, particularly when taking into account a lot of the retcons/changes that have happened since saw iii. also given how badly saw vii butchered hoffman's already questionable characterisation and how...little apprentice lawrence was developed, i have concerns! the apprentices are one of my favourite aspects of the series (shocker!) in terms of dynamics and their varied relationships to john, especially amanda's relationship to him, and i don't want to see them ruin that. i believe that amanda deserved better but i also believe that her story reached a natural if deeply tragic conclusion...you know?

that said. i do trust bousman as a director when it comes to saw, so if he's involved (since there seems to be slim to none chance of james wan returning, and while i think leigh is more of a possibility i'm never getting my hopes up), then i think there's a lot of potential! amanda is...such an interesting character and i really would love to get more insight into her life before her test (including how and why eric matthews went after her) as well as more information on what she was up to in the periods between the first three films. if done right i also think an amanda film would Hit as a saw film in a way later ones didn't (saying this as a spiral stannie). vii/jigsaw/spiral didn't feel like saw films, for better or for worse, and i think making stuff amanda centric again would bring back this very specific vibe that the first six (even if i'm not an iv fan) had. i hope people know what i'm saying here.

i'm sure there's some concerns about the fact it's been like fifteen years and the cast have all aged but shawnee is TIMELESS to me so whatever. also a genuinely phenomenal actress and i would love to see her again! she's also probably the franchise's best shot of getting tobin back and i KNOW they regret killing john off so early. and this is a fine way to fix that. on a personal level i would kill a man to see amanda and lawrence interactions and ik cary has said he's open to coming back, and it would also provide an opportunity for them to touch on apprentice lawrence somewhat (and maybe open us up for an adam mention or two). the very vague jill and amanda stuff we got in vi is also fascinating to me, as she's the only one two have substantial relationships with both and amanda being one of john's first test subjects must...have really fucked with jill. anyway. point is i would also love for it to be used as a jill comeback, especially after they did her so dirty in vii. erik knudsen is in his thirties now but the amanda and daniel relationship is such an essential one to understanding amanda's character, so fuck it, bring him back too. i hope costas stays unemployed for the rest of his life but they can like, replace him with jack black or something because the amanda and hoffman relationship also makes me crazy. for fun i think they should edit in the cut amanda and adam scene from saw iii except it was clearly filmed fifteen years before the rest of the movie.

anyway. i guess my take is...very hesitant and ambivalent but if done right i will lose my goddamn mind <3 the amanda trilogy is easily the tightest narrative of the whole franchise and i think it would be very easy for them to fuck it up, but i hope if the theory DOES pan out then they get all the right people involved so they avoid any mistakes. at any rate it'll be better than the billy the puppet origin story or whatever it is that tobin bell suggested. they could also do the honourable thing and visit a VERSION of the 2-3 timeline which is jigsaw the tv show, but lionsgate still hasn't reached out to me, so i doubt it.

#in shawnee smith we trust. in everyone else...we don't. #ask #adrianicsea #meta #not really but yk. tag organisation or whatever.

[friendofcrow]

taro!

Taro-> "If someone called you right now to catch up, what are the things you'd tell them about?"

Oh man.. there has been So Much.. i will go back. One year. have 2 get on the computer for this... strap in!

On a personal level i have completely dove in head first into femininity. I've known for almost six years now (and knew but didnt have the word for it for almost my whole life) but ive never done anything about it (or, havent been able to) but i wore a dress for the first time which is a HUGE Girly Life Milestone. AND! i liked how it looked!! AND got a chance to bring it out in public and around some of the most kind and supportive people i could possibly ask for, TWO whole states away so it was so nice to really lean into it without fear and not gettting misgendered even if just for that time.

i also got my license and my first car!!

Ok. now Socially! i have had the most insane shakeup in the last year. my high school friend group fell apart, but i met one of the best people it has ever been my pleasure to know. i met a couple more of my now favorite people through him too, and for that im so so grateful. ive been cared about in a way i havent ever been by the new people in my life. i went to visit him and his friends at college a couple states away and that was the first trip ive ever made on my own. right now im getting to know someone in my area (finally!!!) who i can tell will be a very special friendship. ive met all kinds of cool people on here too which has been so lovely.

theres been a lot of negative and all kinds of trials ive been thru but i wouldnt trade it for anything. im at a weird place where i dont know where my life is gonna go but theres nothing i can do but look forwards and try to stay hopeful. my transsexual survival instinct will pick me up and drag me thru the next year and i hope ill be in a better place by this time next year. i will come out kicking + screaming!!!

sorry this post is Long and Insane but i thought some healthy retrospection would be good for me. im not really expecting people to read this, but thank you if you did!

#girl power

[angelwiththeblue-box]

ALLLLLLLL RIGHT!!!

so. picture this. the year is i dont fucking know. local man morpheus nolastname manages to get so far into death's good graces that she's like yk what im going to not take you ever and morpheus is like bro thats sick as fuck are u my sister now and death is like mmm no.

and then she ditches him for three hundred odd years. morpheus goes through the ropes, watches the people around him die. he starts keeping journals of everything that goes wrong so that he doesnt forget any of the worst things. eventually he turns into this cold-hearted fucker who is trying his level best to escape. he makes a deal with like. idk a death god or something (probably an incarnation of the corinthian -- HOLD UP NO ITS RODERICK BURGESS) to help him capture death (but not hurt her!!! morpheus still loves her in his own way)

so things happen and death comes back to morpheus but not intentionally. maybe she gets caught on a job or something wrong place wrong time morpheus pretends not to know her and she doesnt recognise him until hes like AHA IT IS I MORPHEUS REMEMBER ME and shes like oh heyyyyyy buddy how you doing and hes like NOT FUCKING GOOD and proceeds to tell her why all of her plans are rubbish and she's a terrible person and for fucks sake PLEASE KILL HIM!!! this does not happen what does happen is that he helps roderick burgess capture her!! along the way they run into morpheus' archnemesis, a man named hob gadling. idk what they're archnemeses of possibly highwaymen shit idk

so they have some fun banter death Senses stuff and then things happen yadda yadda morpheus and death are on thin strings because morpheus still desperately wants to get out like he is so tired of everything living and dying and dropping like fucking mayflies

anyway back to morpheus' house which is probably just fawney rig where death is like morpheus i know you are more than this i remember you being kind and in love with storytelling please rememeber that and morpheus is like i dont remember that part of me that part of me is gone now thanks to you and then he pulls up with roderick burgess and they're like either you bring back randall (because yeah that cheeky fuck is still on that) and kill morpheus or we trap you here for good and death is like first off no i cant bring back your dead fucking son are you crazy and two bad news morpheus you cant ask for my gift after ive already refused it (this is a straight up LIE there is always a way out but morpheus secretly still loves humanity and death is still holding out hope)

and so theyre like fucking fine so basically the ritual to trap you forever requires the death of a mortal so theyre initially going to kill alex burgess which death does NOT LIKE and is staunchly againsrt BUT THEN!!! the police pull up and are like LORD BURGESS/LORD MORPHEUS!! HOB GADLING HAS BEEN CAPTURED!! HE IS TO HANG IN THE GALLOWS IN HALF AN HOUR!

and morpheus manages to convince burgess to change the sacrifice from alex to hob mostly because he doesnt want burgess to lose another son but he passes it off as like. idk practicality or something so they go to the hanging and death manages to get herself out of her traps and so cut to the hanging right

hob gadling is terrified out of his mind but hes cracking jokes to stay sane and morpheus pulls up in a carriage and goes and stands next to him on the stage because the whole damn town knows about their issues TM and morpheus wants a front row seat to hob's demise and hob is still just trying to make the people like him enough to save him and hes like hey listen what about a kiss from a lord before i die (homophobia whos she never heard of her) and morpheus obliges and is like oh fuck and hob is like oh fuck and the DEATH pulls up (roderick burgess is still in the carriage) and gets there just as hob is about to be hung but he recognises her in the crowd and is like OH SHIT I CAN STALL MORE DEATH DEATH and she sees what hes doing and also she doesnt have an appt with him today something must be up and so she cracks jokes WITH HIM and then burgess is like ENOUGH and pops out and goes to kill hob and very nearly succeeds and his whole ritual thing starts to wreak havoc on the town and morpheus has to watch and he has no idea how to stop it and he turns to death and goes "HELP ME JESUS CHRST I CARE ABOUT THEM WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THEM HOW DO I STOP THIS" and death is like YESSSSSSS and shes like hob gadling is the catalyst if you save him it will end all of this but the blow burgess gave him was fatal and then death is like i could refuse him my gift and after a moment where the rushing in morpheus' ears is the only thing he hears he remembers the kiss and he tells death to take away her gift

nothing happens, she doesnt gesture or anything, but in that instant, the spell dies. hob gadling was never meant to die, but it only mattered when death actively refused to give him her gift.

anyway they fix things burgess dies blah blah morpheus and death and hob go and have a drink (there is Flirting happening with morpheus and hob) and morpheus is like is it true that you cant ever kill me and death is like no that was a lie but come on do you really want to die and she makes some implications (side eye over to where hob is having a laugh in the corner) and morpheus is like no i suppose not but i dont wish to continue as i am and he decides to seek out those like him (like mad hettie or others) and just. tell their stories. that will be his job. he will be the prince of stories. the thing is, the people that live the longest always have the best tales to tell.

~~~~~

THAT CAME OUT IN LIKE TWENTY MINUTES HOLY FUCK

double points if you can guess what this is an au of

this is great i love it

#also i have no idea #val answers #spi!!! #steve to my robin <3

[yukiakaren]

My top kpop albums of 2023

This year I've actually listened through more albums than probably ever. I actively chose to check out more than just my top favorite artists albums and it definitely was a great thing to do as I did find some great b-sides. However, that doesn't mean I actually would've liked all the songs enough for all of the albums to make it to the list. So, here are the ones that I liked multiple songs of or perhaps even the whole album.

INFINITE - 13egin Album of the year? Not unfair thing to say. Just the fact that Infinite came back is huge to me but I genuinely do like all the songs. Surprisingly the intro is the weakest link on the album, as traditionally I've loved Infinite intros. Despite that the highs are high enough to forgive that. New Emotions was unarguably my most listened song of the year and Time Difference wasn't too far behind. I Got You and Find Me are lovely too and I love my instrumental versions. It really is a great album.

Key - Killer - The 2nd Album Repackage I mean I had Gasoline up in this list last year and this is just Gasoline with Killer (Key's best song to date), Easy (that I also really like) and Heartless added to it, so it does belong here, doesn't it? Also, the fact that I do have this album now probably tells all that needs to be told.

TRENDZ - BLUE SET Chapter. New Dayz This one has the short length on its side, as it's a single album. However, the songs are top notch, so I can't ignore it. Nightmare is illegally good to be just an intro. Fantasy is incredible. Honestly the title track New Dayz is the least my thing but even that is a great song, and if it hadn't been I wouldn't have check the whole album. The thing with TRENDZ seems to be that they like to put rap parts at the end of the songs, which I have to say I don't really like, but these songs are too good that I could even fault that enough to not mention this album.

ZEROBASEONE - Melting point Melting Point, Crush and Take My Hand have been in heavy rotation recently. But the rest of the album is also good enough for me to be able to confidently mention the album here.

IVE - I'VE MINE This is such a solid album. No wonder why they couldn't pick only one song to promote. Next to the title tracks I really enjoy Holy Moly. It is sooo addicting! OTT also ended up getting in my IVE playlist so that's surely a nice one too. Only Payback wasn't quite for me even though it's pretty good one too.

ONEUS - Pygmalion & La Dolce Vita I have to mention ONEUS, don't I? I do have to be honest and say that the albums this year haven't been as big hits with me as the previous ones. And that is so so unfortunate as I love ONEUS. I just have to hope that next year brings more songs for me to love from ONEUS. Just the length of the albums is disappointing - LDV having only 3 full length unique songs. Of the songs on these two albums: Unforgettable is absolutely lovely, LETHE is illegally good to be an intro and Baila Conmigo is so so catchy, a perfect title track. The rest of the songs are nice but not to the level I hope from them. Truly hoping next year to be a better ONEUS year for me.

Honorable mentions:

SHINee - HARD HARD is such a mix for me as a full album. I absolutely adore Identity, Sweet Misery and Like It, truly the SHINee that I want and need. 10X, Satellite and Insomnia are great songs, as expected from SHINee, but they were heavily overshadowed by the three mentioned before. Then we had The Feeling and Gravity that didn't do much for me. And then there are HARD and Juice... Just no. So, I guess this leaves the album as an honorable mention even though I wanted it to be a genuine favorite of the year. Big hits but also unfortunately couple of big misses that I can't ignore.

ZEROBASEONE - Youth in the shadow In Bloom and New Kids On The Block are hanging out in my often played ZB1 playlist, so I couldn't leave this album unmentioned.

ODD EYE CIRCLE - Version Up Very solid album, all the songs are good. I just personally didn't listen to the others as much as Air Force One despite them being good. Hence, only an honorable mention.

KEY - Good&Great Another great album from Key this year. Just again one song heavily overshadowed the others and I did not really end up listening to the others after the first listen. The one overshadowing others was Live Without You, one of the best songs of the year.

VIXX - Amnesia VIXX IS BACK!! Honestly at some point I was pretty certain that it wouldn't happen, but I'm happy I was wrong. Savage is such a vibe and Amnesia is very cool title track. The rest don't do much for me again, but honorable mention is definitely earned.

fromis_9 - Unlock My World Again, a very solid album. Attitude is the only song I ended up going back to and really liking. I'm happy it got some performances too. #menow is a solid title track from them. Of the rest of the b-sides In The Mirror, Prom Night, Don’t Care and What I Want are solid songs and the rest are also good but don't do much for me.

Nam Woohyun - WHITREE Lastly, I just have to mention Woohyun. I was being harsh on Baby Baby, but seeing him perform it... How can I say no to cutie-concept Woohyun? Nope, there is no way. I can't. The album is also very Woohyun. For the most part it just isn't quite for me. But then there is Save Us, which is great! And then there is DONE, which is amazing! Honestly, just having him here making music despite the recent hardships he has had is so respectable and incredible. And DONE making it to my top 15 favorite songs of the year is truly making me so happy.

#me #kpop #2023 #albums

[maggstar]

hi! hello!

my life update - the hot and cold guy… my goddess we flirted so much, got the good morning beautiful stuff,he drunkenly said to me (on video) “i want to love you” and all that, but he still is off and on :(( i like him but i think im getting played, im too self aware for all of this, got me thinkin love aint for me getting back to uni after break is like entering hell so ive been stressed again :((

ill try to push through!!

on to the main thing i wanted to talk about!! “Until the day i die” !!!!! i read it last night, finally !!! and the wait was so so so worth it!! im not a fan of 3rd pov in fics but i love u and wanted to give it a shot cuz i knew u worked very hard on this!! and i LOVED it!!

im truly in love with the way u describe the scene and emotions !! always makes me feel like i can im there or i can relate or imagine what characters went through!! and Heeseung here? wow, i dont know what else i can say, his background story and struggles and his work?? absolutely stunning! !

the whole plot of the fic was dashing! truely!!!

i missed reading soft sex so much :(( i feel like everything is so loveless.. just fucking and thats it, but here? i melted !! the love and passion and intimacy were on another level, the trust and comment of theirs? and sincerity of it all i was wonderstruck and this made me want to feel something so deep for someone!!

and i saw it was for me??? stappppp, that was so sweet :((( ily2

thank u so much!!! this is was beautiful !! im amazed ! thank u thank u for sharing it here with us!!

i love u, lovely!! hope ure doing good! ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ wishing u all the best for this new year!! lots of love and happiness and warmth !!!

-♡, xoxo

no cause I was waiting for this ever since I posted the fic and kept checking every day. I was so happy to see it in my inbox today!

I'm really happy you liked the fic because I was worried you wouldn't like it since it was in 3rd pov, but thank you for giving it a try regardless of that. I had so much fun writing it, it was comforting for my broken soul haha.

Honestly, you should ask the guy if he wants to be serious or not. If he says no, then he's not worth it. He might make you feel a lot of butterflies, but you should only look for something stable and long-term. Or that's what I would advise to do in this situation. Had a guy like this once, who only wanted to admire me from afar and got spooked when I made a move. It's better to know than go in without anything. You deserve to be respected and loved, never go below with your standards! Someone will meet them one day, so do what feels right for you until then!

Ilym, angel. I hope this year can bring you a lot of health, wealth, success and love. I wish you all the best and please stay safe and don't overwork yourself.

Currently suffering with burnout, and let me tell you, it's a bitch. I have terrible migraines every day and they last for hours despite taking pills. I'll be skipping school for a bit as I have 6 finals next week and can't study for all of them in this state.

So please, take care, sleep a lot, hydrate and don't push yourself too much. Or you'll end up like me and won't be able to do anything :D

#asks 💌 #♡ anon #fic: until the day I die #sorry this was so long but i missed you sm

[sophiaxdetling]

Forgiveness // self para

Sophia suddenly snapped her eyes open, gasping a gulp of oxygen that sent her chest rising and falling heavily. A split second thought crossed the girl’s mind, believing she was actually back home in her room safely in her bed while Toby milled around with the daily chores downstairs. A moment of peace, but this was a waking nightmare. This bed wasn’t hers, the ceiling above was not the familiar one she saw every morning, and this wasn’t the childhood home she spent many years with her mother and brother. A stark reminder...this was hell. 

A constant loop replayed of how she arrived here. After watching the figure of her older brother running down the street disappear, Soph remembered little of the car ride to the hospital. It felt like hours, days, and then she was carted in a large building only to be dumped in a sterile white single bed room. One expects with this environment to be on their absolute best behavior if movies were anything to base an opinion of. However, as per Sophia’s typical modus operandi, a Detling wouldn’t go down quietly. If they were separating her from society, from her family, she was becoming a hurricane not even the most skilled doctors could contain. An uproar. In the duration of 24 hours, orderlies continued pushing every type of drug in her system with hopes of subduing her, believing she would tire eventually and give in. No. An endless routine, drugs, assurances she was in the right place, utilizing her nails to scratch at any flesh she could grab, until finally, the doctors decided to take extremes: restraints. The second day, Sophia had awaken with straps wrapped around her hands and feet.

Two days, two days she went tied down to that mattress, only permitted to use the restroom in a fucking pan and meals practically spoon fed to her by someone else. Miserable, pathetic, a life wasted. Everything that made Sophia who she was had been stolen, her clothes, her dignity, her will to live, they even ripped the dog tags from Boone she religiously wore no matter what. Her hope disappeared. What hope was there of Tobias finding her if he held true to his promise? What resources could he possibly possess to bring her home? Sophia wondered for a millisecond whether her brother did have something to do with this by contacting a hospital. Understandable, perhaps, that he reached the end of his rope and sought help. Taking her in such a manner was maybe a mistake, not what he intended. That look on Toby’s expression...it banished the doubt altogether. Something was terribly amiss and her family wasn’t responsible. 

“Hello, Sophia.” Soph turned her head in the direction of a professionally dressed woman she hadn’t noticed before seated on a chair a small distance away, likely instructed to position herself a certain distance for safety reasons. She wore a white coat, pointed stilettos, and a badge with a name Sophia couldn’t make out from where she lay. “I’m Doctor Andrews. How are we feeling today?”

“What kind of a stupid fucking question is that?” Sophia bit out, tugging on the restraints to indicate that she was, in fact, not feeling absolutely wonderful today. The remnants of a medication cocktail pumped through an IV permanently connected to her arm creating the most groggy disposition she never experienced since drinking became the number one hobby. No hangover compared, no bender, ever prepared the young woman for this.  

Doctor Andrews hummed lightly with a nod, “Fair enough. I’m more curious about what you’re feeling mentally as well as on an emotional level. What this is for you, Soph, is a massive shock to the system.” She rifled through a stack of papers, consulting the Detling file collected from the doctors at the hospital. List of medicines, the tactics to calm the girl, now she just required a clear psychological view. The damage set before her feet in more than black and white letters. 

“Don’t call me Soph. Only people to call me Soph are the ones I consider friends. And last I checked, that’s not you.” The young woman growled, “I know you doctors think you know everything, but let me spell it out for you. I’ve been plucked from my home, ripped out of the arms of my brother, and taken to some god forsaken looney bin that I never once gave clear consent to stay in. You assholes have added to what you state is a massive shock to my system by injecting me with shit I can’t even pronounce, all so you can keep me chained,” She yanked on her binds multiple times over and over as if one move would cause the straps to snap in two, her voice growing angry, “I’m pissed, I’m exhausted, poked and prodded like a fucking deranged experiment, and I miss my brother.” She burst in a mini fit of laughter that was filled with melancholy, “Oh, and don’t get me started on Toby. When he finds out where I am, he’ll fucking sue every doctor who laid a hand to me and burn this place to the ground “

Doctor Andrews allowed the woman release the majority of her rant, jotting down notes patiently with an emotionless expression painting her calm features. She wrote a few descriptive words, volatile, anger issues, quick to lose temper, possible dependence on brother, all she anticipated from Sophia. When it appeared the spiel reached an end, she clicked her pen a couple times in thought. “First, Ms. Detling, the medication they have been giving you has some relative side effects that does include sleepiness. You were willing enough to use your nails as a weapon, resulting in an orderly to sustain multiple scratches along his arms. Those restraints, while cumbersome, are the only thing keeping you safe.” She leaned forward, peering in Sophia’s eyes, “You’ve fought and fought against our help when all we want is to stop something terrible from happening to you. I know in your mind, something terrible is already happening, but you’re here because somebody grew concerned you posed a danger.”

Sophia could do no more than scoff at the excuses, nothing she hasn’t heard before or held a desire to keep hearing. “Really? And who told you I was dangerous? Was it that fucking orderly who had to cry like a little baby bitch over a few fucking scratches, or how about the other orderly who was holding my brother back while they carted me off?”

The doctor glanced to her notes, sighing, “You want to talk about why you’re here, but you aren’t willing to really dig deep why someone seemed compelled to contact a hospital. Alright.” She nodded once and leaned back in her chair again, “From the information presented to me by the individual, you’ve developed a co-dependency on your elder brother after your father left. You came from a broken home, perhaps blocking out the abuse your mother endured. A textbook case of what we call checking out. This pattern of checking out created a domino effect of drinking, especially after the only parent you had left started getting sick. It’s natural to behave when you feel you’ve lost control, I know.” Her lips pressed together firmly, “It produced destruction, unstable footing, the implosion of every relationship you had. Your brother’s arrival shattered the dam, Sophia, resentment doesn’t vanish just because he expresses reuniting a front with your mother now gone.”

Sophia instantly ripped her gaze from the woman, finding anything else to focus on than the recount of her entire life laid bare, stripped of sugar-coating and empathy. All she stated were facts, everything she hasn’t thought of herself before. Suddenly, the events of the previous days caught up with her. She relinquished her will, forfeiting ever fighting to find a way out of this place, she wasn’t leaving. A hospital was a deserving fate for someone so broken. Discarded. A useless waste of a human dumpster fire. “You don’t know anything.” Soph clenched her teeth, whispering meekly. 

“Is it or is it not true that you wanted to die?” The question rang a resounding chord, hanging in the balance. “I need honesty if we’re building a foundation of trust. I’m on your side, Sophia, and I know you’ll have a difficult time accepting that, I’d understand. Is it true that you still want to die?”

Is it true that you still want to die? A striking blow piercing through the resilience built from the long hours enduring torment. Sophia’s conversation with Toby at the bar drilled itself inside her skull, playing and replaying her confessional desire to join their mother six feet under. The invading thoughts wriggled free from the box she locked them in and tied the noose around Soph’s neck, choking the life from her lungs. Wasn’t it the easy route? A world free of pain where she saw her Mom again, could be with her, nothing but blue skies and the warmth of the sun on her skin. A pure paradise. Happiness didn’t exist for Soph, Toby would tell her otherwise, Boone would, but as she expressed to her brother, they were better off anyway. Toby wouldn’t have to suffer anymore and then maybe, he could discover something good in his life he can’t have while searching the impossible solution to help his sibling that would never arrive. “I don’t know.” The girl’s eyes welled with tears. ‘Maybe.” She paused before slowly turning her head to face her fate. A life of doctors and examinations, restraints and sedation. “Yes.” Sophia released a shuddered breath, “Alcohol...alcohol was my way out. I thought this could be the night or maybe this night. I fall asleep with a bottle in hand and never wake up. It was a simple fantasy.”

Doctor Andrews watched the process of emotional turmoil catapult Sophia on a personal journey of discovery, feeling the sympathetic twinge tangle her gut in knots. “And in these times, no one stopped and asked if you were actually okay. They wrote you off.” This went against her code as a doctor to make these assumptions with someone so fragile, but it was part of the deal she begrudgingly agreed to. Turn the mirror around and show Sophia that her situation was on no one else but her. “Your brother, try as he might, was waiting until you decided on your own to seek help. He let it come this far and only contributed to your agony. Sophia,” The doctor closed the file folder with finality and rose from her seat, “Toby can’t help you, but we can. This is what you’ve been seeking all along.” She stepped to the girl’s bedside, “We’re here for you.”

Sophia grappled with the therapist’s statements, the rationality sent into haywire. Not a single person regarded her condition as anything more than the party girl drowning her self-esteem at the bottom of a bottle. Sure, Link took her home after the binge drinking all-nighters and Boone understood her demons and Toby...he kept waiting for a miracle. What if this was the way to fix her? Heal her? If she couldn’t fix herself, if this hospital couldn’t, then she was lost. She is lost. And the only way to survive what became the inevitable trials meant killing something inside of her. Abandoning hope. They would restrict her limbs and poison her veins, treated as a lab rat, until the signals in her brain weren’t misfiring. Soph pressed her head to the pillow and rested her eyes on the ceiling, the tears previously streaking her cheeks drying. A tunnel, an endless tunnel ripe with despair and darkness.

The fight died with the final nail in the coffin. She hoped to see Toby again, it was only a matter of time. And when she did see him...Sophia prayed for forgiveness.

#self para: forgiveness

[rommahh]

The Moment

{Enjoy this new fic im writing. Ive always loved dad!harry, @harryhoney-bee gave me the courage to write dad!h and so here it is. This is only part 1 so I hope to see some of y'all stick around.}

It was a surreal moment. There was one baby in your arms and another in Harry’s. Two babies. Twin girls. Harry sat beside you in a chair by your bed. He couldn’t stop looking between you and the girls- absolutely enamored.

You were exhausted. Your cheeks were flushed, skin sticky from sweat, but you didn’t notice it. You could only notice the way that your babies cooed as they slept or the way that Harry would subtly wipe tears from his eyes. The silence that surrounded you two was comfortable, warm even.

“Im so proud of you.” Harry whispers when his eyes make it back to you. You start to tear up again. Thinking about the year that you two have had and where you are now with two beautiful bubs laying in your arms- it had been a chaotic year but it paid off in the best ways.

Nine Months Ago

Something was wrong, something was very wrong. It wasn’t like you to get stomach sickness. You would wake up and throw up everyday at the same time for the past three weeks. Since your last period, you’ve recognized some changes. The foods that you love are now the foods that you hate. You can’t go a few minutes without feeling nauseous, something was wrong.

A pregnancy test sat in front of you. It’s bright pink exterior burned your eyes as if to mock you for your actions. You had taken it 15 minutes ago, but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at the results. You best friend, Ellie, sat beside you waiting for you to check the results.

"Hon, you've got to check the results." She places a gentle hand on your arm. You nod, but make no move to flip it over. "Would you like me to do it for you? I will."

"Yeah, that would be, that would be, yeah." You couldn't form a full sentence. Ellies fingers wrapped around the non-pee side of the stick and lifted it eye level to her face. She pushed her glasses further up her nose to make sure she was reading correctly.

She clears her throat uncomfortably. "Well."

"Fuck." You burst into tears. This is not how you imagined this to happen. You thought that maybe this was just the college stomach bug but pregnancy? Fucked is what you were feeling.

"Its going to be ok." Ellie was quick to hug you, she cradled your head with her small hand. "You have to tell him you know."

That thought didnt even cross your mind. Harry. The only guy you've ever been involved with. You couldn't even imagine his reaction. Would he be mad? Sad? What would he do?

"I can't right now. I need to be by myself for a second." You tell her. She nods at you before placing a kiss on the top of your head and returning to her room in the sorority house.

It was hard to believe that you could be pregnant. Academics were your main priority. You were building a resume, a resume to build your future and a child would put a wrench in that future.

The room was quiet now that Ellie was gone. The only sound came from the humming of your fan and your pounding heart. Your thoughts were louder than anything. What was anyone going to think of you? Women always get scrutinized for a pregnancy first. If you chooses to exterminate the baby, people will say something. If you puts the baby up for adoption, you're a deadbeat. If you keep the baby, you're a whore.

Out of al the emotions that rushed to you when seeing the pregnancy test, fear was the most evident.

Friday nights on campus were wild. The soccer team just won a very big game and almost every frat was throwing some sort of large party. Ellie really questioned you when you said you wanted to visit Harrys frat party to celebrate with him. She didnt think a party would be most suitable for a probably pregnant woman, but as stubborn as you were, she didnt win that fight.

Harrys frat was the most jam packed with people. People kissed the floor that Harry walked on. He could do no wrong in anyone eyes. Winning the game tonight made him the talk of the town, he was even trending on local twitter.

Ellie led the way through the house, a hand wrapped around your wrist so you didn't get eaten by the crowd. Coming upon Harrys group, Ellie was immediately scooped into her boyfriends arms, Jeremiah. You spotted Harry standing in the corner talking to a few people. Sauntering over to his you caught him by surprise when you wrapped threw yourself into his arms.

"Hi bear." He greets you while wrapping his arms around your shoulders.

"Hi H." You smile up at him. Despite the happiness you felt seeing him tonight there was a knowing feeling in the pit of your stomach.

You and Harry had a difficult relationship to define. Everyone around thought you two were the perfect soulmates. You two just seemed to be made for each other. Harry only lightened up when you were around, his stoic facade melted away whenever you entered the room. There was never an uncomfortable moment where you two couldn't tell each other anything...until now.

Most people didn't really understand why you two weren't officially together but you two knew. School and preprofessional careers meant more to you two than anything. Harry's soccer career was on the rise. He has one foot in the profession but couldn't go any further because of college. His mail was stuffed to the brink with offers from professional leagues who couldn't wait for him to graduate. Harry had a future that was set in stone. You on the other hand, had a been building a resume in business and marketing with a touch of journalism and social media. You have interned at instagram and snapchat- working behind the scenes and front and center. You both were talented beyond your means and because of that, many things came second.

"Congratulations on your win! Knew you guys would win though." You congratulate Harry and his group. They thank you, some thanking you in compliments making Harry tug you further into your side. You had your tightest skinny jeans on with a loose v-neck t-shirt on. You would've worn something tighter but you felt bloated...if that's the right word to use for this situation.

As the night went on with dancing and ridiculous games, the anxiety you felt never diminished. Watching Harry in his element so happy made you nervous at the thought of disturbing it.

The night started to slow down and you and harry were finally in a quiet area with friends.

"Harry can we go to your room to ta-"

"Harry!" An obnoxious voice cuts you off. Harry turns his attention to Olive who had just walked into the door. She wore her tightest dress, boobs spilling out catching everyones attention in the room. Harry apologized to you before walking over to the girl. That sudden burst of confidence disappeared within seconds. Harry deserved a girl like Olive. Arm candy who would keep him fresh in the tabloids. Not you and baby. You didnt want to be the one to hold Harry back from a future with beautiful ladies and freedom. Maybe it was the jealousy that tingled within you watching Harry grasp Olive in a tight hug and not letting her go when they split.

Throwing a look to Ellie, who already saw your unpleasant face from miles away, you waved to the group before leaving. It was weird to watch Harry with other girls, especially Olive. Without a defined relationship, things like this made your emotions array.

Your sorority was only a block down but you only made it a few feet before you heard your voice being called. Harry ran to you with a grin on his face.

"Just gonna leave me without saying goodbye you loser." He grabs you in his arms giving you a bear hug. Your face smushed into his chest prompting you to wrap your arms around him loosely.

"Sorry, just a little tired." You shrug. He leans back away from you to look at your face. He holds your face in his hands smiling down at you. It was hard to not melt into his hands when he gave you his little dimpled smile.

"Why so tired bear?"

You didnt answer, your eyes averting to the side. Harry moved your face so your eyes aligned with his. His brows raised expecting an answer.

Brushing him off, you move back. He looks slightly offended at your demeanor. "Nothing H, I promise."

"Ok, well you know you can tell me anything. I always have time for my bear." He gets close to you, nudging his nose with yours. Both of your eyes fall shut, savoring the moment between each other. A breeze passed around you two, it set the mood. There was a warmth shared- a buzz in the connection that pulled you two closer.

The second your lips melt you felt yourself start to break. Here was the man you were in love with loving you, and you were harboring this secret that could destroy the little relationship that you two had.

The kiss was merely innocent. There was no tongue but moving lips and small pecks. It was you to pull away first.

"Harry-"

"Harry come back in!" For the second time that evening you were interrupted. Olive stood at the door of his frat frantically waving her hands. Harry looked back at you with an apologetic smile.

"Were you going to say something back inside?"

"Uh, no I guess not." It was dumb of you not to say the thing that had been sitting on the tip of your tongue for the past few days.

"Im gonna go back." He pointed with his thumb behind him to the house.

"Yeah, ok." Harry hesitated for a moment. He knew there was something wrong but he didnt say anything. You both didnt say anything.

Eight Months Ago

Nine and a half weeks pregnant. Estimated by your doctor, you were nine and a half weeks pregnant. That plastic test you took weeks ago stood nothing against the actually paperwork your doctor was reading from your blood work and pee.

Ellie and your mother sat next to the bed you lied on. Your shirt tucked underneath your bra as your doctor spread the jelly on your stomach. You couldn’t look at your mother, the lingering disappointment was evident and creating a tension in the room.

The small instrument that the doctor was holding pressed on your stomach. You could only hear the ruffling of the instrument on your stomach through the small scre-

Thump thump thump

A heartbeat was all it took for you to start sobbing. You couldn’t decipher anything on the ultrasound but just the faint sounds of a small heartbeat made you cry. Ellie gripped your hand tight out of excitement. She wiped your tears off with a tissue smiling at you with a large smile.

Your mother remained stoic though you could see the few stray tears on her face. Everyone walked out of the doctors office that day with a stack of ultrasound pictures, your mom paying for the extra despite her unhappiness. The images were blurry, nothing more than black and white blobs but your were connected to the blob. Your little blob of whatever.

Back at your dorm, your mother following you into the room, you throw the ultrasounds haphazardly on your desk. Your mother sat, prim and proper, legs crossed on the small love seat you had placed by your window.

You threw yourself into your bed feeling the soft bed envelope you.

“Careful, you’re not a young college individual anymore, carrying a child now.” You mother muttered disapprovingly. You rolled your eyes.

“Im ok Y/M/N.” It was her turn to roll her eyes.

“It’s mom to you. Now let’s talk about baby daddy. Harry deserves to know.” Your mother never looks up from her magazine as she utters the words to you. You sit up on your bed, placing a hand on your stomach.

“Way to ease into the small talk. I know I have to talk to Harry. Im just scared." You distracted yourself by playing with the throw blanket on the foot of your bed.

"You're already pregnant, nothing more could go wrong from here." Your mother replies sarcastically. There it was. The resentment. Your mother couldn't hide it.

"Ok, im sorry you feel that way."

"I don't feel anyway dear, you're pregnant and in college and you haven't told the father yet so there. Nothing to feel about." She slams the magazine down on the floor so her hands were free to exaggerate her words.

"Why are you acting like this?" You ask in a small voice. You were brought back to the childish space in your head. Growing up your mother was always like this. She demeaned you in a way that brought you back to your childhood years. As a kid you never felt good enough for your mother and her harsh demands. She always expected you to grow up and be the first woman president. You were expected to be prim and proper and wait for marriage to have sex, and now you were pregnant.

"Im not acting in anyway. You have no right to question me. Cant you see what you're doing to me?" Her words swayed you. Had you been that bad of a daughter?

"Im-Im sorry." Your mother huffed, standing from the chair and grabbing her purse.

"Look what you've done, made my blood pressure rise. I will see you later." She storms out of your room slamming the door behind her. She had no regard for the fact that you were living in a shared house with your sorority sisters. You hated crying over your mother but you couldn't help it. She manipulates your feelings so she can feel better and it works.

A knock on your door broke you out of your reverie. Scared that it was Harry, you quickly confiscated the ultrasound images from your desk and shoved them into the desk drawer. Behind your door was Harry in fact.

He was a little confused by your lack of interaction with him. It was normal for you two to not communicate much during the week but you at least would text him throughout the day. In his right hand was a bag of clothes for the weekend and in the other hand was a bag of your favorite snacks ranging from cheesy Doritos to a hand picked ziplock bag of blue gummy worms.

When you finally open the door, harry could tell you were crying. You're cheeks were flushed and your eyes had a slight puff to them.

"Hi bear, what happened?" He walks into your room placing his bags by the door. You closed the door behind him taking in his jean clad legs and school t-shirt. He seemed to be coming back from a class, he had no game tonight.

He sat on the edge of the bed, legs spread to leave a space for you to sit. You slowly move in between his spread legs sitting on his left thigh.

"My mom was here." Was all you said nuzzling your face into his warm neck. His cologne tingled your nose making you snuggle closer to him.

"Im sorry my love." He knew your mom well. She was very present in a negative way in your life. "But its ok, we are gonna have a good weekend. Gonna watch movies, gonna cuddle, gonna do some other stuff..." His voice trails off alluding to the thing that you love to do with Harry. He places soft kisses on your cheek trailing down to your lips. You responded immediately by kissing him back. His hair was gripped between your fingers. He groaned in your mouth at the feeling of your harsh tug.

Before you know it, your on your back underneath Harry consuming the comfort given through pleasure. His gentle thrusts brought subtle tears to your eyes. Harry was above you resting his weight on his elbows as pounded deep within you.

You cradled his face in your hands as he looked down at you from above. He looked at you as if you were the best thing to walk the earth, his home away from home.

"I love you, god I love you." He groaned deeply as you clenched around his length.

"I love you too." You both came, coming apart in each others arms.

After he cleaned the mess between your legs, he lied down beside you, one arm underneath your head and the other lying limp on your side.

"I missed you this week, you went all silent on me." He murmurs. His breath tickles your face. you acknowledge his words but you couldn't form the right words in your head.

"I have- just been a busy week."

Chicken, you were a chicken. You could've said the words that kept you silent this week but you didnt.

"Ok, im sorry this week wasn't treating my baby right." He attacked you with raspberries in you neck making you explode with giggles.

"Stop it!"

"Mmm fine. Brought snacks, lets eat." He moves off of the bed to put his boxers on and throw you your favorite hoodie that sat by your desk. He clambers back in bed with the Doritos, giving you a large grin.

"Yummy." You tell him taking the bag. When the bag opened the aroma of the chips hit your face, your stomach started to coil in discomfort but you brushed it off. You took a chip out of the bag placing it in your mouth. Not even three chews in, your stomach lurched. It was a quick trip to your bathroom as you placed your face in the bowl and released the contents of your stomach.

Harry followed you to the bathroom in shock, confused by your sudden sickness. You could feel his warmth beside you as he rubbed your back.

"Let me get you some medicine, where is it?" His voice was buy your ear by the time you moved your face out of the toilet.

"Its in the second drawer of my desk, pink bottle." He nodded at you before rising to his feet back into your room. The sound of the drawer open made you jump up to your feet as you remembered what sat in that drawer.

"Harry wait-"

It was too late. Harry stood by your desk with the ultrasound pictures in his hands. It suddenly became very cold in the room. Harrys face was pale in color, mouth gaping.

"Harry..."

"What this? Are these Ellie's? Tell me these are Ellie's." The questions poured from his mouth. You could sense the storm coming.

"They're not Ellie's." He almost couldn't hear you. Just like with your mother, you felt as if the ground could swallow you alive.

"Whose are they?" He grits out, jaw clenched. His eyes were watering with tears just like yours. You tried to take a step forward but he took a step back. A sob wracked through your body in heartbreak. "Fuck."

"Harry please."

You tried to reach for him but you were slow. The ultrasound pictures hit the floor in a flurry as Harry furiously pulled on his clothes.

"Why, where, Harry stop." You wailed. There were no words uttered out of his mouth as he stormed out of the room. You could only fall to the floor, for the second time that day you cried. It hurt how hard you were crying. You crawled over to the disheveled ultrasound pictures, clutching them tight to your chest.

It hurt. Today just hurt.

Part 2

#harry styles fic #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles x y/n #harry styles one shot #harry styles #harry x reader #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #dad!harry