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helloalycia · 3 years

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worth the wait [one] // daisy johnson

summary: when your best friend, Skye, keeps running away from home, you're left to deal with the consequences, but then one day, she doesn't come back.

warning/s: mentions of unwanted foster kids

author’s note: this is a five parter and each chapter is quite long bc i got carried away. i've literally been working on this for so long so i hope there's still some daisy johnson stans out there to appreciate this!

"She's the only person she talks to... doesn't listen to anyone... just try..."

I twiddled my thumbs as I refrained from rolling my eyes. Mr Lock was pretty stupid if he thought I couldn't hear him with the door slightly ajar.

"...can't do much... good student?"

"She'll tell you what she knows," I heard Mr Lock say more clearly, to the police officer, before the door got pushed open.

I glanced at him as he feigned a smile for my sake, making his way over to his desk and sitting opposite me. The police officer followed after him, taking a seat at the edge of the desk and watching me with curious eyes like she was studying my every move.

"As you are probably aware, Miss Y/L/N, your friend Skye has gone missing," Mr Lock began to explain. "Her foster family have tried contacting her, but they can't find her."

I felt nervous with the police officer watching me, trying not to glance her way for fear she'd know I was hiding something.

"We just want to bring her home safely," Mr Lock continued. "And you're the closest person to her."

It wasn't a question – he knew I was the closest person to her. We'd done this back and forth many times before, every time Skye decided to run away. And it didn't get any easier.

I swallowed hard. "If you're asking me if I know where she is, I can promise you I don't."

Technically I wasn't lying, so that wasn't too much of a stretch.

"Have you had any contact with her since yesterday morning?" the police officer asked.

I shook my head and tried to ignore how warm I was getting. "I usually meet her by the entrance before class, but she wasn't there. I thought she was just pulling a sick day or something."

The officer hummed in response and the way she didn't give away what she was thinking didn't help with my nerves.

"So, you know nothing of Skye's disappearance?" Mr Lock asked with a raised eyebrow. "Anything you can tell us will be greatly appreciated. Her family just want her home and we all want her to be safe. You know the drill."

"I want that, too," I lied as confidently as I could. "You know she's done this before... she'll come back. She always does."

Mr Lock sighed and rested his head in his hands; he was clearly exhausted from having this same chat with me every few months Skye decided to leave.

"I think that's everything," the police officer said, before standing up straight. She glanced at me, adding, "Thank you for your cooperation. Please let your teacher know if you hear anything from her."

I nodded awkwardly. "Will do."

Mr Lock stood up, hand on his hip with mild frustration. He nodded my way and waved a hand dismissively. "Okay, you can go now, Y/N. Back to class, go on."

I nodded and looked between them both before grabbing my backpack and heading to the door. I could hear them talking quietly though, and felt mildly guilty for lying.

"...does this regularly now," the police officer was saying. "She'll turn up."

"She's wasting our time," Mr Lock was mumbling. "She always does this and for what?"

I sighed inwardly before leaving his office and heading back to class. I continued on with my school day as normal, up until lunchtime when I got a message from Skye herself.

Heading to the toilets to ensure nobody would see me, I slipped into a cubicle and pulled out the burner phone Skye gave me the first time she ever ran away a few years ago. She was always cautious of being caught out but still wanted to be able to contact me, so this was her solution. I didn't argue it as I only ever wanted to make sure she was okay and I could at least talk to her.

She'd texted me, it reading: Meet me by the ice cream truck in the park after school.

I was relieved to know she was okay, since it was the first text she'd sent me since she left yesterday morning. But it was frustrating that she'd disregarded my many concerned texts before that.

With a huff, I replied: I'm doing good, thanks for asking. You could've texted sooner, Skye.

It took a moment before she responded. Sorry, mom

I rolled my eyes, knowing she'd have that annoyingly cute smile on her face as she texted from wherever the hell she was.

Another text came through from her. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Everything cool with the cops?

I sighed and hastily replied: Everything is as cool as it can be. I'll talk to you later when I see you. You safe?

Every time she left, she came back without a scratch to my relief, but it didn't make me feel any better when she would leave again and again. Running was her way of rebelling against everything – the countless foster families she went through, the teachers who ridiculed her, the other students who judged her. I didn't know where she went – it would change every time and I was sure she was making it up to make me feel better – but I covered for her because I cared about her and didn't want her to push me away like she did with everyone else. It was getting old though.

Her text came through and the heaviness on my shoulders lifted with relief. I'm always safe. But thanks for caring.

I always care. You know that.

I do. I'll see you later, Y/N. Love you.

I love you, too. See you later.

She stopped responding and I put the phone away before taking a deep breath. Seventeen and Skye had me feeling like a soldier's wife at freakin' war. She was gonna give me a heart attack one of these days.

—

"Over here."

I spun around and felt my racing heart calm down when I saw the familiar teasing smile of Skye watching me behind the abandoned ice cream truck.

"You're okay," I breathed out with relief before moving forward and pulling her in for a tight hug.

She laughed but wrapped her arms around me, squeezing gently. "I always am, I told you."

I refrained from rolling my eyes as I pulled away, meeting her gaze. "I'll always worry, Skye."

Momentarily, her playful demeanour disappeared and was replaced with something genuine. "I know... sorry. Thanks for coming."

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. "Skye, you can't keep running away like this. Mr Lock called me in again. Thinks I know where you are. Says your family are worried."

Skye snorted as she took a seat on the bench nearby. "They're probably throwing a party in my absence. This is just protocol for them. All of them."

I watched her with a pitiful gaze before taking a seat next to her. "The police came again."

"But you covered, right?" Skye asked with a quirked brow.

"Obviously," I said, making her smile, but I didn't return it. "I hate lying to them. It makes me feel... dirty."

"It's not like you're hiding the location of a war criminal, Y/N, chill," she teased, patting my knee.

"Where were you this time?" I asked, afraid to know the answer.

A grin appeared on her lips with remembrance as she reached into her backpack, pulling out a laptop.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Where d'you get that?"

She seemed proud as she said, "I won it in a bet."

"Skye!"

"What? It was fair play and I happened to win," she said with a shrug.

I facepalmed. "Skye, if you needed a laptop, you should've asked. I could have asked my parents or– or– I don't know–"

"What? Fundraised for the poor foster girl in class who can't buy a laptop like everyone else?" she cut me off bitterly, before replacing the laptop in her bag. "I'd rather not."

I frowned, moving to rest a hand on her back, but she shook me off harshly before standing up.

"Skye, I didn't mean it like that," I said apologetically, standing up, too. "I just meant– I could have helped. I want to help. I don't want you to have to make bets to get stuff. I just want you to be safe."

Skye and I becoming friends was something I never could have seen coming, but when we were partnered in science class in middle school, we kind of just fell into each other's lives. I knew of her situation with her many foster families and always knew she deserved better. Sometimes though, I think she felt the difference in our lives when it came to little things like buying stuff, and I hated it.

"Skye–"

"It's okay," she interrupted, glancing at me with sad eyes. "I know you want to help. But I'm okay."

Treading carefully, I asked, "Where did you go then?"

She ran a hand through her hair. "Library."

I narrowed my eyes. "You expect me to believe that?"

She met my eyes and shrugged. "You don't have to, but it's the truth."

I couldn't be bothered arguing with her, so I simply played along. "Fine. You went to the library and won a bet with someone, getting their laptop."

"Exactly."

I gave her a knowing look. "When are you coming back? To school?"

She was about to respond, but her phone vibrated and she checked it quickly, her eyes lighting up. I tried not to roll my eyes at her change of mood, not wanting to imagine the bond she'd made with her new friends.

She finally answered. "A few days, I promise."

It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing, so I nodded. "Okay. A few days. You'll keep in touch though, yeah?"

"I will, I promise," she said with a small smile before moving forward and hugging me tightly. "Thanks, Y/N."

I sighed but returned her hug, knowing I couldn't stay mad at her for long. "Just please take care of yourself, Skye. And if you need anything – and I mean anything – just ask. Unfortunately, I have a soft spot for your dumbass."

She laughed and admittedly, my stomach did somersaults at the sound. She pulled away but kept within arm's reach, allowing me to see the honesty shining in her brown eyes.

"I'll see you in a few days," she promised. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I replied, watching as she stepped back to leave.

She sent a final smile my way before running away, leaving me standing there alone and with a worried heart.

"More than you'll know," I muttered to myself, knowing I could never tell her how I truly felt.

—

"Won't your mum kill you for this?"

I shrugged, leading Skye through the the party-goers and to the kitchen where the drinks were. "She's okay with it because she knows I'm responsible. Plus, I promised her I wouldn't get drunk."

Skye let out a laugh. "Right. You're at a high school party and you're not gonna drink. That's totally happening."

I poured myself and Skye a drink as I quirked a brow. "I never said I wasn't going to drink. Just that I wouldn't get drunk. There's a difference, Skye."

She seemed impressed as she nodded. "Sneaky."

I was invited to this party by some girl in class and thought it would be nice for Skye and I to go to since it had been a while since we'd hung out. She didn't want to go at first, but after a little convincing on my end, she joined me.

We ended up staying there for about an hour when Skye needed to go to the bathroom and I decided to grab a snack from the kitchen. As I was browsing the bowls and considering whether I wanted to risk grabbing food from a shared bowl, I felt someone tap my shoulder from behind me.

When I turned, I was surprised to see a very tall guy stood there with a smirk on his face.

"It's Y/N, right?" he began the conversation, before suddenly raising his hand and reaching for something in my hair. "Sorry, you had some fluff there."

I smiled awkwardly and pushed my hair behind my ear. "Er, thanks. Yeah, I'm Y/N. I'm sorry, I don't think I recognise you."

He shook his head. "I didn't think you would. We don't go to the same school. I saw you walking around and thought I'd introduce myself."

"Oh, er..." I didn't know what to say as I wasn't really interested in his clear advances.

"Can I get you a drink?" he asked suddenly, still smirking at me.

"I already have one," I said conclusively, before aiming to move past him, but he put his arm in the way. I looked at it before raising my eyebrow at him. "You gonna let me go?"

He snickered. "Come on, just let me get you a drink."

"I'm not interested," I told him straightforwardly before attempting to make another move, but he pushed me back gently. "Dude, come on."

"What's one drink gonna do?" he asked persistently (and annoyingly).

"I–"

"She said back off," another voice came out of nowhere, and suddenly Skye appeared and pushed the guy back harshly, stepping between us.

"Skye, I–" I began, but the guy was already glaring down at her with a fake smile on his lips.

"Or what?" he asked rhetorically.

She returned his glare and said nothing. I rested a hand on her arm and tried to tug her backwards, but she wasn't moving. Always the stubborn one.

"What are you gonna do, Skye?" he repeated with bitter humour. "You gonna call the cops? I heard they know you pretty well by now, don't they?"

"Don't speak to her like that," I said angrily, glaring at him.

He began to laugh, shaking his head, before finally walking away. I released a deep breath and watched as Skye turned around to face me.

"Are you alright?" I asked her gently, resting a hand on her arm as I found her eyes.

"Are you?" she countered, looking over me with concern. "That guy was a jackass."

"He was, but I had it under control," I said with reassurance, before downing the rest of my drink and throwing the cup in the bin. "You didn't need to step in."

"Uh, yeah, I did," she said, stepping in my line of sight. "He was a creep."

I rolled my eyes playfully. "Okay, Skye, whatever you say. Thank you."

"You're welcome, now can we leave?"

I shoved her in the shoulder slightly. "We're not leaving. Not yet anyway. There's a foosball table in the other room I wanna play with and you're playing, too."

She sighed dramatically. "Fine."

I grinned at her before dragging her to the other room by her hand.

Another hour passed when I unfortunately began to feel the effects of my drink that I later came to learn was spiked by the arsehole who tried to hit on me. I wasn't particularly aware of my actions, otherwise I definitely wouldn't have done nor said half the things I did. Things like playing beer pong for the third time in a row and losing every game.

"It's just me an' you, Y/L/N," Kate, the girl I was playing with, said as we both a had a cup left. "Think you can win?"

I laughed as I rolled the ball between my fingers. "Third time's the charm...?"

The group of teenagers around us watched with anticipation as I aimed the shot up in my mind. It wasn't exactly helpful that I could barely stand up straight and my eyes were crossing over, making the cup move around slowly.

"One... two... three...," I counted down, before tossing the ball and watching it bounce off the side of the table and onto the floor. "Well, shit."

Everybody laughed as I ran a hand through my hair. Kate chuckled before grabbing the ball and lining it up. Miles better than I did, she aimed quickly and got it in the cup in one shot, resulting in cheers from everyone. I laughed and grabbed the cup, eyeballing the beer. I wasn't really a fan of beer, but a game was a game.

I downed the cup and pulled a face at how disgusting it tasted, before tossing the cup on the floor. I pushed away from the table I was leaning on, before falling back and hitting the floor, butt-first. I giggled to myself as I tried to stand up, but with great difficulty.

"Y/N, there you are!"

I looked up and lit up when I saw none other than Skye standing above me. She bent down and grabbed my hands before helping me stand up. I stumbled into her, but thankfully she caught my weight and let me lean on her for support.

"How did you get drunk so quickly?" she asked with surprise, leading me to the front door. "I've literally been with you. Until you ditched me twenty minutes ago which wasn't cool since I only came to this stupid party because of you."

I laughed. "I'm sorry. I saw the ping pong table and couldn't resist."

She sighed to herself before leading me outside. "You smell like alcohol."

"That's because I had some," I whispered not-so-quietly in her ear, before erupting into giggles.

"I gotta get you home," she mumbled, before searching my pockets. "Where are your keys?"

"My mum is gonna k-kill me," I realised, but a dopey smile was on my lips. "You have to sleepover."

She found my keys and began leading me to my car. "I'm gonna have to, aren't I? So much for not getting drunk."

I covered my mouth to try and stop the laughter from spilling out. She didn't seem amused as she managed to get me into the passenger's seat before rounding the car to the driver's seat. When she got comfortable, I watched her with a childish grin.

"You can't drive," I said in a know-it-all voice. "You didn't pass your test, silly."

She started the engine and began doing her mirror checks before pulling out, muttering, "Nobody has to know."

I watched as she drove, feeling exhausted but lighter than usual. She looked really pretty tonight. I wanted to tell her when we went to the party, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. Now however, it was all I could think about and my heart was fluttering at the thought.

"Here, drink this," she ordered, before throwing a bottle of water into my lap.

"But–"

"No buts, just drink it," she said authoritatively, glancing at me.

I didn't want to argue with her, so I began opening the bottle as I giggled to myself. "You said butts."

She groaned to herself and I drank the water as instructed, even if I really didn't want to.

Before I knew it, we had arrived at my house and Skye was helping me to the door.

"Your mum knows you're coming back late, so this shouldn't be a problem," she said quietly, mostly to herself. "Try not to make noise though, okay?"

I nodded obediently, before putting my finger to my mouth. "Sshhhh. Quiet."

She rolled her eyes before using my keys to open the door and drag me inside. I stayed as quiet as I could, letting her take me upstairs and to my room. Only, before we could go in, I heard my mum call out for me.

"Y/N, love, is that you?"

I stared blankly at Skye as she gave me a knowing look with wide eyes, nodding. I continued staring at her as my mum called my name again.

"Answer her!" she whisper-shouted to me.

"But you said to stay quiet," I said with confusion.

She facepalmed. "Just answer her," she said with frustration.

"Well then, no need to get crabby," I mumbled before calling out to mum, "It's me, mum! Skye and I are back!"

There was a pause before she called back, "Okay! Make sure you lock the front door!"

I snickered to myself as Skye shoved me into my bedroom before I could reply.

"Will do, Mrs Y/L/N!" Skye called out before slipping into my room with me.

She flicked on the light as I flopped onto my bed with a satisfied sigh. Suddenly, something was tossed onto my face making me groan as I pulled them off. I realised they were pyjamas.

"Get changed. Now."

I sat up and saw Skye watching me with a stern expression. I couldn't help but smile to myself, giggling. She looked really cute when she pretended to be angry.

"Y/N," she warned.

"I'm not tired," I lied, standing up. I wanted any excuse to keep on talking to her.

"I don't care," she said with a shrug. "You're going to bed whether you like it or not."

"But I wanna talk to you," I whined like a child, before moving forward to grab her hand.

She let go and gently pushed me to the bed. "Don't be a baby, Y/N."

I hugged her quickly, smiling to myself. "Thank you for being here. And for coming with me tonight."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"I'm serious," I said, pulling away and almost falling backwards, but she held me upright. "Thanks."

Her expression softened. "Unfortunately, that's what friends are for, Y/N. I wasn't gonna leave you."

I breathed out, momentarily startled by her sharp gaze. She had the most beautiful eyes, I always thought it. Somehow, she had the power to make me freeze up and forget everything I was thinking or going to say and I never knew why.

"I love you," I said truthfully, not caring what I was saying and too overcome with emotion to care.

She rolled her eyes, a smile of amusement dancing on her lips. "You gotta keep it down, Y/N."

I smiled widely. "But I do."

She gave me a knowing look. "I know you do. And I love you, too, but you have to get ready. Tomorrow morning is not gonna be kind to you."

"No, you don't get it, I really love you, Skye," I said, my mouth going dry as I stared at her with butterflies in my stomach.

"I know," she played along, patting me on the shoulder. "You done, idiot?"

"I'm in love with you," I blurted suddenly, smile disappearing. I stared at her, trying to ignore the blurriness in my vision. "I always have been."

Her smile seemed to fade when she realised how serious I had become. She licked her lips and shook her head slowly, lowering her hands.

"You don't know what you're saying, Y/N," she said quietly.

I grew distracted by her lips, barely acknowledging what was coming out of her mouth. "I do," I told her.

She didn't know what to say, and before I knew it, I had moved forward and pressed my lips to hers. It was something I'd wanted to do for so long and now that I was finally doing it, my shoulders felt lighter as if I wasn't carrying a huge secret on them anymore.

I closed my eyes and momentarily felt her kiss back, hands resting on my chest. It didn't last very long as she gently pushed me away, leaving me face to face with her flushed cheeks and swollen lips. I was sure I didn't look any different.

"You're drunk," she stated awkwardly.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and began to come to terms with what I'd just done, what I'd just ruined. I stepped back and shook my head.

"I'm so sorry, Skye. I–"

"It's okay," she reassured me. "Please, let's just get you ready for bed, okay?"

I avoided her eyes as I nodded, feeling my heart ache with discomfort.

When I woke up the next morning, I didn't remember much from the night before. At least not straight away. All I had to remind me of it was an insane headache that wouldn't go away and a rancid taste in my mouth. Thankfully, Skye caught me up with how drunk I was and how she had to stay with me to cover for me before she left me to shower and freshen up.

Unfortunately for me, showering and freshening up gave me enough time to remember parts of the night before, including the main bit where I kissed my best friend and expressed my feelings for her.

To say I was freaking out was an understatement. I couldn't believe I had done the very thing I had avoided for years. Seeing her at the breakfast table made me wonder why she hadn't mentioned it. Was she embarrassed? Did she want to pretend it never happened? Was she uncomfortable?

I wasn't sure whether to go along and pretend I couldn't remember it, or admit the truth and apologise profusely. In the end, I ended up doing the latter.

We were eating pancakes that she'd made with my mum as I spoke up.

"So, I, er, I'm kinda remembering some stuff from last night," I said awkwardly, glancing up at her.

She slowed down with her eating, avoiding my eyes. "You do?"

I nodded, looking back down to my food. "Yeah. Particularly the, well, I–"

"You don't have to say it," she assured me, and I looked up to see her watching me with a small smile.

"I'm really sorry," I got out with a deep breath. "I don't know why I did that. Or said those things. It was stupid."

"It was?"

"You should've left after that, but you didn't for some reason," I continued with a grimace of embarrassment. "We can totally pretend it didn't happen."

She chewed on the inside of her mouth as she nodded slowly in agreement. I nodded, too, eyes falling to my pancakes.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "And thank you for making sure I was okay. You're a really great friend."

She smiled at me with distracted eyes. "Anytime, Y/N."

#daisy johnson #daisy johnson x reader #daisy johnson imagine #agents of shield imagine #agents of shield #agent skye #marvel imagine #marvel #mcu #chloe bennet

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sugarydolli · 4 years

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Orange Juice | [REPOST]

Title ~ Orange Juice

Word Count ~ 2k

Pairings ~ Leon x Chubby!reader

Warnings ~ Body shaming, Bullying

Okay but do y'all see my new icon like 🥰

Repost from my wattpad storie lulz lemme send link 🖇️ https://my.w.tt/KjSStSQYkbb

"Come on Y/N," junko smirked "hes never gonna like you if your fat, keep throwing it up." You pushed slightly on your stomach to trigger more vomit.

With Junko standing behind you, taunting you as your breakfast pushed passed your lips.

You could see Mukuro start gather tissue for you to wipe your mouth off with.

You sat in class one day as the teacher rambled about nothing you cared about. The sun ran over the curve of your cheeks and lit up your (E/C) eyes as you were deep in thought.

"What if I was smaller"

"Would I be prettier?"

"Would he notice me?"

Not even noticing that class was over until two particular known sisters made their way over to you.

Junko slapped her hand down on your desk taking you out of your thoughts. Her sinister smile was a clear warning of her intentions which were obvious to you.

You expected nothing but harsh words, more things to make you regret your weight. But she unexpectedly had other plans.

Junko came to you as if she wanted to help you. She said she could make you look pretty. In your desperate state of mind you accepted.

Ever since then her way of making "pretty" was meeting her outside of the bathroom every 2-3 hours, practically shoving you face into a toilet and forcing you to gag your meals.

"Hey Junko.." you said weakly, your stomach aching being the 5th week you skipped lunch. "Did you ever find out what type of girls Leon is into?"

She thought about it while she chewed her food. "Why of course I did, and you know what he told me?"

You were practically leaning over the table, dying to know what the baseball player told her. "He said and I quote, "tight waisted bimbos with huge tits" end quote."

It felt like a spear ran threw your heart as you sunk into deep thought. "I'm sure he'll like you for who you are rather than what your physical appearance is Y/N."

"You filthy liar! I told her exactly what he told me."

"But Junko I was right ther-"

"Shut up!"

The thoughts in your head shut you out from the twins bickering. Your mind festering on the idea of fitting into Leon's type.

The sadness you felt turned into determination. Thinking about how you can cut out a few more meals, and exercise even more times a day. Wearing extremely heavy hoodies in raging hot weather to shed.

You were determined by the end of this month you'd fit his standards.

"Junko,"

Standing up, you caught her attention before she shot another insult to Mukuro. "I think I'm ready now."

A large malicious smirk panned across her face, rising up from her seat. "Let's go."

You shoved two fingers down your throat, nearly missing your uvula. Not much at first shot out but as you progressed more and more came out as your throat burned.

Beginning to feel dizzy, you leaned against the bathroom stall. Not having the energy to continue the assault on your throat. Once you gained your composure you restarted, plunging fingering back into your throat. Murkuro held your hair back away from your face as Junko unbeknownst to you recorded your gagging.

You finished up rather quickly, wiping spit from the corner of your mouth. You rummaged through your backpack looking for your tooth brush.

You walked over to the sink ignoring a few girls who just walked in stares of confusion. The first thing you noticed was your cheeks, usually a soft looking round was now turning hallow.

Your body over all seemed to be getting slimmer over the past few weeks. So much so you'd start to get compliments and praised.

For once you've felt good about yourself, Confident.

...

Until, from an anonymous account you were exposed. Several videos of you forcing yourself to barf was posted on this account.

"This you?"

Mukuro texted you while you got dressed in your uniform. Sending the account.

As if the multiple videos weren't enough, pictures of your dazed expression began circulating. Tears threatened your eyes, you reported each video and picture one by one.

-/-

You went into school, head hung low as whispers and giggles could be heard around you.

You would look up to see several faces looking at you with disgust, some occasionally with pity.

Ultimately, you decided that you weren't gonna let this stop you from reaching your goal. Even if it was draining you.

Today being mile day in PE made you teensy bit woozy, but still you convinced yourself of the "benefits"

The long track taunted you, seeming like it stretched for miles. "You've never seen any interest in mile before, Y/N..are you sure." Your PE teacher placed a hand on your shoulder, giving you a understanding look.

You nodded gulping slowly before starting to sprint. At first it wasn't as bad (you told yourself) as you got about half way down the long course.

Your eyes were starting to get a bit heavy as you tried regulating your breath. The temperature only seemed to get hotter as you tried to block out the feelings.

"Was this a heat wave?" You asked your as you tried to push through. Darkness seemed to be clouding over your vision rather quickly.

And surely you passed out.

Condensation slid down your face making you wince. You blinked a few times before taking in the bright light on the ceiling.

You rose up quickly only to be pushed right back down. The school nurse, Mikan, giving a frighten shriek from your sudden movement.

"Please let me help you get up." Her worried tone, placing a hand on your back while you rose. "You passed out on the field." A quiver still in her voice.

Panic started to rise in your gut. "I..I did?" You didn't want to believe her words, seeing it more as an embarrassment than an health concern.

"A teacher carried you here with the help of a student." Mikan tried calming you down to prevent any other health problems.

Sadly her efforts wasted as you began to worry yourself on who the student was. Your nightmares only coming true when Leon suddenly walked through the door.

"Mikan is she alright? I heard talkin' and" Your eyes met sending a rush of pink to your cheeks. His pale blue orbs gazed into your F/C ones.

"Are you... alright?" Leon's gaze never leaving your eyes. Lips quivering to much for a verbal answer, you nodded.

Tears brimmed your eye line, you didn't want to met like this. This wasn't supposed to be this way. But his next words caught you off guard.

"Good. hate to see a pretty girl like yourself hurt." He followed up with a wink before sliding out of the office.

Awe casted on your face causing you jaw to open slightly. You were in shock, not even hearing Mikan rambling.

Once you were released from Mikan's office you headed to your locker. You managed to pick your jaw up off the floor but shock and awe still lingered.

You opened your locker open-mindedly. A small blush colored envelope fell out, you practically tore it open to see in somewhat messy handwriting:

A actual compliment..did I hit my head that hard? Am I in a coma?

Hey cutie ;), I'd call myself a hero for saving you today. How about you reward me with a little date later today?

- Leon

A squeal errupted from your mouth causing whoever around you a confused look. You were to caught up in your joy to even realize Junko and Mukuro making their way over.

A hand placed firmly onto your shoulder, turning you around to face them forcefully.

"Whaddya got there Y/N?"

Junko's tone too sweet for her own good, you held the letter up slowly in which she snatched it. "This has to be a fake." She said without looking.

Eyes widening, you look the letter back reading it over for any indications. The thought of this being some prank didn't even register to you.

"Well if you are going you know what you have to do" Her tone lowering to something darker. You have her a nod before once again walking to the dreadful bathroom.

You've grown tired of these plain walls as you stick a few fingers once again down your throat. Your senses activated causing you to hurl.

Junko chuckled, getting a sick sort of kick out your suffering. Mukuro narrowing her eyes at her sister, quickly sending a text to someone.

About five minutes later the sound of the bathroom door being slammed open caused you to rip your fingers out of your mouth.

Various shouts coming from behind the stall door as it was suddenly swung open. Leon stood in the frame with ishimaru not far behind.

The sudden appearance caught Junko off guard, almost dropping her phone. "Leon you can't just-" The short haired male turned his attention to the scene.

"Y/N...what are you doing?" Leon's face in confusion, you quickly wiped any remaining spittle off your chin before turning around completely.

Leon bent down, wiping your cheeks with his thumb. "I don't give a shit about your body, I like you just the way you are." He lifts you up, giving you a hug.

"Nothing, just a-" Junko was quick to cut you off. "A hard case of bulimia." Your hair fell down into your face, Junko continued to laugh.

She spoke in a bragging fashion as she told the two men of your dirty secret. Tears brimmed your lash line seeing Leon's eyebrows furrowed in disgust.

"And the funny part about it is...she it did all for you!" Leon's eyes widened, his mouth almost fell open as he quietly repeated her last few words.

"You told me that he likes small waisted girls and I-" a sob breaking your sentence, you fell down onto the bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably. You felt hands gently pry your hands off your face.

Your usual small pink envelope fell right into your hands, causing a smile to stretch across your face.

You snuggle into his neck, now happy tears rolling down your cheeks.

- timeskip brought to you by the iconic cheez duo -

- about a month later

"You know, Princesses are usually found in castles. How'd I meet you here?"

Cheesy. You smirk to yourself before feeling large arms wrapped around you. Leon placed a kiss to your temple, filling spinning you around for a kiss to the lips.

"I guess the answer to your question would be, sometimes princesses get bored for waiting on their prince." Leon chuckled, sneaking in another kiss. "Well, it's not easy finding the right princess."

His hand instinctively latched onto your as you two walked down the hall to your first period.

Leon doesn't like you cause of your skin, your weight, or your face. He likes you because of you.

Uhh I know the themes in this got like really fucking dark and usually I don't like to to talk about these topics cause all around this is supposed to be a happier book and shit like that but it was actually requested of me once before.

I thought it was time to get out of my comfort zone and address this. You all are beautiful no matter what you look like, your body doesn't define you!! Your beauty inside and out. And if anyone tells you otherwise me and cheez will beat the- I mean kindly slap them around with kindness.

Anyways I love you all and everyone around you should to! You don't have to fit into what someone wants you to for them to love you. If they really love you, they'd love you for you! Appearance doesn't matter in love!! ((Praying I'm saying the right things))

And it is okay if you do wanna change how look. Just use the reader as an example not to do, please don't hurt yourself or take the easy route. Please choose healthy and non harmful ways to improve on your already beautiful self.

I'm really not good at this so I hope this little message didn't offend, comfort is nawt my strong suit BUT I love you all tremendously and I'll always be here no matter what.

- Cheez it chan & Cheez <3

#leon kuwata x reader #danganronpa leon kuwata #dr1 #leon kuwata #leon #danganronpa kuwata #kuwata #danganronpa x reader #danganronpa 1 #danganronpa #tw ed mention #tw ed content #tw bulemia #tw eating disorder #tw bullying #tw vomit

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rpmemesbyarat · 3 years

Conversation

RP meme from Tori Amos quotes

- Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

- I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing.

- I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things.

- Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.

- I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely.

- The violence between women is unbelievable.

- I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

- If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.

- If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.

- I don't see myself as weird, I just see myself as honest.

- I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.

- Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much.

- Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.

- On some of my darkest days, Lucifer's the one who comes and gives me an ice cream.

- Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.

- The sense of loss is such a tricky one, because we always feel like our worth is tied up into stuff that we have, not that our worth can grow with things we are willing to lose.

- When you've got the virgin and the whore sitting next to each other, they're likely to judge each other harshly.

- I think you have to know who you are.

- Get to know the monster that lives in your soul.

- Dive deep into your soul and explore it.

- I don’t want to renounce my dark side.

- The truth has always held an enormous interest for me.

- Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say 'Yes, I’m sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'there is no butcher'.

- This is very simple in the world of chicks; some are hoochies, some are not, and some should never try to be.

- We don't often see our own stories. Good artists are the ones that whisper our own stories back to us.

- Music is about all of your senses, not just hearing.

- Again, we go back to the power of words and how they can make you feel. They bring liberation or stagnation, they're chains.

- You don't have to apologize for growing and learning and changing your mind.

- Music has an alchemical quality.

- Certain relationships can just wear you down.

- Containment of your opinion is a must if you are going to nurture an artist's development.

- It's a good thing I'm curious, because sometimes I just research how a soccer player kicks a ball and the impact it has on his foot. I haven't used this yet, but I might.

- But over the years you can cultivate hate for the art you love.

- I don’t believe anyone’s story is boring. Every story has value because it belongs only to you.

- Sometimes I fantasize backstage about how people do their laundry. Woolite? Mixed-color loads? Do they fold? Do they press? Do they Shout it out? And the thing that kills me—do their whites come out dingy?

- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change.

- We like our pain. And we’re packaging it, and we’re selling it.

- Festivals or radio shows can be the heavyweight championships of arrogantly detached clusterfucks.

- People who are addicted to power can live on the same street or attend the same school as us or even play on the world stage.

- None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What's dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.

- I don't think that many performers necessarily want to see their audience empowered. I think a lot of performers, no different from priests, need the hierarchy.

- Modern, celebrity-driven entertainment turns the stage into an altar, and so many celebrities refuse to be removed from those altars once they manage to ascend.

- All storytellers, all troubadours worth their salt knew their myths.

- The Sídh's historical myth is the source of the bastardized concept of a fairy—as if anyone gives a rat's ass.

- The problem with Christianity is, they think everything is about outside forces, good and evil. There's not a lot of inner work encouraged.

- Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.

- I'm the queen of the nerds.

- Don't give up. Don't listen to these foolish critics that are so small minded they don't get it tonight.

- Sometimes listening to music can motivate you.

- I think even in a good marriage, especially if you stay together long enough, there are going to be events that happen.

- An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.

- Music is always a reflection of what's going on in the hearts and minds of the culture.

- Many people lock a part of themselves away. It's a bit sacred.

- I've always seen the songs as having a consciousness.

- Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.

- We are all fairies living underneath a leaf of a lily pad.

- That is some funky-fresh, pop lockin' shit.

- If I saw someone destroy a piano I'd fuckin' kill 'em. Wouldn't think twice.

- I experiment with things that are usually an internal experience, because that's just what excites me. And yes, it does sometimes give me visions.

- Some of those trips were eighteen hours long and I'll never forget, once I ended up sitting by the bush trying to ask the flowers why they didn't like me. It's like, Why can't I be your friend?

- You might not like my story because I'm not gonna tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me.

- I just imagined a huge juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.

- You can't control your popularity

- If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music.

- I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it.

-I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit

- I usually get myself into situations that cause sparks.

- I love feeling alive, I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.

- For the most part, pianos are female to me.

- Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.

- In our minds, love and lust are really separated.

- I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs

- When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?

- Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right color lip gloss on. They have no shame. They're like bull elks in a field.

- Your worst enemies are made when you ignore people.

- It's as if the horses have come to take us back, to descend, to find the dark side. By dark I mean what's hidden, not necessarily satanic.

- There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't.

- Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.

- You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie.

- I'm not a habit, I'm a lifestyle.

- There are a lot of hidden nerds.

- People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners.

- Um, don't get me wrong because I love boys, it's just that sometimes we don't need you.

- There are only ten ideas under the sun. What makes the difference is how you spice them.

- So I'm in Virginia, and I had crabs--I keep saying that! I had crab sickness, I had eaten bad crabs in Maryland!

- I'm a winter girl; I like coming out when things are desolate and everybody's ready to slit their wrists.

- You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people.

- I've never played the guitar, except throwing it against the wall cause it was pissed off I couldn't play it.

- Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little, like the Honeysuckle Faery. Sweet-pea. But sweet-peas are not popular after second grade. Sweet-peas become nerds really fast.

- I really enjoy having a giggle with a friend, but then someone crosses my line, then I don't really take it lightly.

- I sometimes forget I'm not 7'2" and a Viking.

- A boundary was crossed. And maybe I drew a boundary, consciously.

- It was a bit violent, a bit sexual.

- When nothing makes sense, music seems to come and bring me a margarita and sit down with me.

- You don't have to justify everything. Being pissed off is just absolutely okay.

- There is a level of the vampire in me, which is OK.

- It hurts me when a woman doesn't come through for me, more than a man.

- I'm a grown woman. I've earned my experiences, my scars.

- What is an angel but a ghost in drag?

- I'm beginning to accept and love the parts of me, of women that I was trained to hate all my life.

- People can be so vicious toward the imaginary world and it saddens me. You kill a lot of little people's dreams that way.

- Even if you don't read history or you aren't interested in anything that happened before the '60s, there are reasons why we think the way we do.

- That's how the story goes but I don't believe the story.

- I would find myself either the lovey-doveyest-woviest sweet pea, or a mad-woman.

- I believe in eating.

- You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive.

- Why be afraid of these cuddly, soft, adorable things?

- I have good days. Like if I get really good coffee ice cream with just the right amount of chocolate syrup.

- A lot of people see themselves as victims, even when you have to stand in line for ice cream.

- It's so difficult to be critical of children because they need to discover themselves. We're always telling them, "No, the tree has green leaves!"

- I'm tired of being a rebel. Now I just want to be me.

- When things get really empty for me, empty in my outer life, in my inner life, the music world, the songs come across galaxies to find me.

- Do you know what it's like to be a girl and have blood running down your legs and think that you're dying, just because no one's told you that's what happens? It's horrible.

- An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly.

- Mess with me and you will not survive.

- I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck.

- I'm not into this dieting thing.

- The cross has been used as a weapon, as it has been used against all women throughout the ages. And that's the greatest evil of all.

- I think you've got to find a giggle somewhere in stuff that would scare the poop outta ya.

- A cornflake girl is Wonderbread whereas a raisin girl is whole wheat bread.

- I would like to think I'm a raisin girl, because in my mind they're more open minded. Cornflake girls are totally self centered, don't care about anything or anybody.

- I like butter and the people who like butter."

- I'm known as that girl who has tea with the Devil.

- I'm not afraid of sadness.

- Everybody has creativity and each person has it in a different way. Some people aren't musical, some musicians can't even think about painting or gardening. There's so many different ways to be creative.

- I wanna be burned, definitely burned, like the witches.

- Give the kids tools, so they can go build their own houses; not the blueprint of what the houses should be.

- Look at me now. I'm breast feeding pigs.

- I wish I had more of a sense of humor.

- I can be so hard on people.

- If somebody's being a jerk, I would like to go wee on their head. And then I do that, mentally.

- The people on the internet know more about what I am doing than I do. Like, they will say that I am going to be in this mall on this day, and sure enough, I am there!

- I'm like a lioness who kills her own prey and no one else has to kill for her. But if some other lioness comes to me and says "I just got a good prey, do you want a piece?" I can say "of course" - and the other way around.

- There are things that I would disagree with Jesus about, and I feel really good about that.

- History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes."

- I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best, it's just not appropriate.

- Of course I believe in past lives, I mean, three quarters of the human race believes this, it's not like a great new thought here.

- I use innocence in my demeanor like a Venus flytrap.

- I do like to talk about things no one wants to hear at the dinner table.

- I'm not interested in being a really nice person; I want to be a creative, responsible person that's balanced.

- Boys are cute but food is cuter

- Do any of you dream about crocodiles?

-I know I dream about crocodiles. I'm obsessed with them.

- If people can't see things from the other side that's not my problem, it's theirs.

- I think I give equal time in my hatred, right?

- Sometimes I'm mad at some guy, sometimes I'm mad at some girl, and sometimes I'm totally loving some guy, so and sometimes I'm loving some girl.

_ Well, Pele is the volcano goddess and I thought of like, um, sacrificing some of the boys in my life to her but then I decided that that wasn't really a very good idea.

- Anger originates from envy and outrage, not being seen, not being heard.

- We don't know where souls go when they die. We don't know a lot of things. We didn't create the planets. We didn't do this all by ourselves. So, therefore, why wouldn't there be a creative force if it can create humans and planets?

- I've been hanging out with some of the Hell's Angels in England. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met.

- Real friends have to be understanding of each other, and their faults.

- I think I'm really hard to get to know on a personal level.

- Thailand is calling me.

- People I see laughing all the time, check for razor blades in their anal-force underwear, because it's just a little lie.

- I'm not interested in taking drugs. I do hallucinogens once in a while for journey experiences.

- I hear the wine. It's like a structure. I see it as a piece. I hear it before I taste it. It's calling me. And then I start to hear it when I'm tasting it.

- Not that I use crystal suppositories, I'm not New Age.

- A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'

- My theory is that women were the Mona Lisas for a long time and now men are Mona Lisas with little goatees. They are our muses.

- If you're gonna tell a story, you have to grow into the head of the rapist as well as the raped.

- He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Most boys would like to think they're the flu, wouldn't they? But they're really just a achoo.

- If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off.

- It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces.

- I'm always dreaming that these bulls are chasing me. Half the time I don't get away - I almost get over the fence, and then they gore me.

- I believe in energy, everything is energy. And therefore sometimes magic can be created if somebody is open to letting energy do what it does, instead of being so cynical, that you miss magic happening.

- I feel like a work really has many sides to it when people have such extreme reactions. When a work is greeted with just, 'Oh, you know, it's nice', then it's not affecting people. So love it or hate it, that's okay.

- I am a real believer in looking at pain and taking it out shopping.

- The music is the magic carpet that other things take naps on.

- I just try to strip myself, peel myself like an onion. At different layers I discover stuff.

- Why is the world where it is? It's so deep-rooted, if we really start looking, and we might not like what we find. But I think we have to, we have to ask the questions.

- I'm beyond the fury of youth.

- I love young women who are angry. They're wild mustangs.

- I didn't want her looking and hearing me and thinking, "Oh my God, that's a scary lady!"

- They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous.

- They've decided they kinda' have you figured out.

- My nightmares are so bad, that I mostly reject it when my friends want to take me to a cinema to watch a horror movie. Then I say, "No, thank you. I will dream in a few hours."

- I don't know of anybody who's gonna be fulfilled if they get hit by a bus. You have to surrender to that eternal need to be fulfilled.

- How do you know I'm not having a margarita with Jesus tonight at 10 o'clock?

- Let's be honest, religion has not supported women and men exploring all sorts of their sides, their unconscious. It has not been supportive of, you know, go into the places without shame, without blame, without judgment, and just let yourself really see what's cooking in there.

- I think human beings are so much more capable of what they told us we're capable of.

- Anyone can attend yoga, kabbalah classes, church, lectures by the 'Dalai Lama', yada, yada, yada - but can you be present for your life, and live with the way you treat other people?

- Only a few people should have a "greatest hits". I'm not one of those people.

- I feel like our leaders have hijacked America's personality, and taken her to personality plastic surgery school. And they decided this is who she is.

- The playground is the biggest war-zone in the world.

- You have to read visionaries to have visions.

- They squash the baby bird because their bird got squashed.

- I love reading. I'll read the first sentence and if it makes sense to me I pick it up.

- It's ridiculous saying there's only one true faith, it's like saying there's only one map to get you up the mountain. I want to see those other maps, man.

- I kinda have all the aspects of my personality round one table for spaghetti.

- If it's too loud, turn it up.

- I was doing drugs with a South American shaman, and I really did visit the devil and, well, I had a journey.

- There is no passion without broken crockery.

- You have to ask, how could a nation nearly vote in somebody who isn't qualified for the job?

- We're living in a frightening time and I wish people would wake up and realise they're surrendering their civil liberties.

- Who wouldn't want to shag a queen?

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #tori amos #tori amos quotes

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taetaesbaebaepsae · 5 years

Text

@thecozywhaleshark and @lvupmushroom @ddaengbaepsae helped me with this one

Seokjin

You walk in, exhausted, and you're shocked at the mess in the kitchen.

Flour everywhere, empty bottles of wine, and just so many pies and cakes and cobblers, muffins stacked up in a basket, all your favorite things.

He is asleep at the dining room table, flour in his hair, head on the table, and you walk over and touch his shoulder.

He jerks awake and when he sees you he just buries his face in your stomach, arms so tight around your waist and he's crying so hard.

You stroke his hair and start trying to explain. "My phone, I-"

He shakes his head, looking up at you with wet eyes.

"It doesn't matter now. You're home."

You smile at him, fighting back tears of your own.

"What happened to the kitchen?"

He chuckles, sniffling. "I just kept baking all your favorite things. While I was baking I could forget you were gone, could imagine you coming home to eat them..."

His voice breaks and he buries his face in your stomach again.

He holds you so tight in bed your ribs ache the next morning and you wake up when he brushes your hair out of your face.

"I'm so grateful you're home."

Namjoon

He just stares at you for the longest time.

You explain everything but you aren't sure he's heard a word you said because he just keeps staring at you, almost blankly.

He doesn't say a word until you say, "I'm okay, now." and then he's kissing you so deep it makes your head spin.

He's tearing off your clothes, tugging off his shirt between kisses and soon he's buried to the hilt inside you, holding you up against the wall, murmuring in your ear.

"I didn't know if I'd make it without you, baby. It felt like my heart was caving in. I love you so much. I'm so glad you found your way back to me."

You can't even speak for the tears clogging your throat and you feel his tears hot against your throat when he kisses you there.

For days after he doesn't take his eyes off you, as if he's trying to memorize your face.

Sometimes he'll look at you and suddenly his eyes go all soft and wet and when you ask him about it, he just shakes his head.

"I just can't believe you're here, and you're mine. I can't believe how lucky I am."

Yoongi

Yoongi stays drunk the whole time you're gone, locking himself inside and ignoring everything.

When you use your key to get in he's standing at the kitchen counter, pouring another drink.

His eyes are big and glassy and he just looks at you for a long moment.

He's unsteady when he walks over to you and he takes your face in his hands.

"I know you aren't real, but I need you to know I love you so much. I miss you so bad."

"Yoongi...baby, it's me. I'm here." You reach out to touch him and he flinches.

"God, it's so vivid." He says, voice hoarse, eyes wet and searching your face. "I can feel you."

He's stroking your face, eyes so full of love and pain and you start to cry.

"I'm really here. I was lost and I didn't have my phone but..."

He listens to you explain but he just keeps touching you everywhere, hands rubbing your arms, your back.

"I know I'm dreaming but I don't care. I'll take whatever I can get. I hope I never wake up."

It takes you all night to convince him you're real and you're lying in bed and his eyes are drifting shut but he keeps waking himself up.

"Get some rest, baby."

"No." His voice is slurred from the alcohol and exhaustion. "No, if I close my eyes, you'll disappear."

"I'm not going anywhere. Never again." You climb on top of him and rest your head on his chest and finally he falls asleep with his arms tight around you.

You wake up with him crying into your hair.

"You're still here. You're really alive?"

You smile at him. "I kept trying to tell you!"

"I've never been so happy to be wrong."

Hobi

You go to his place but instead you find Namjoon there, checking his mail.

He is shocked to see you, asking all kinds of questions, but you just want to see your boyfriend.

"Where is Hobi?"

"No one knows. He just...ghosted when you went missing. I talk to him maybe once a week. Fuck, I gotta call him."

You wait patiently while he talks on the phone but it turns into an argument.

"I wouldn't lie to you about this!" Namjoon looks at you helplessly and you take the phone.

"This is fucked up, Joon. I know you want me to come home but this is cruel-"

Hobi is ranting so you just cut him off.

"Hi, baby."

The phone goes dead silent for a moment.

"You're at my place?" His voice is low and hoarse.

"Yes."

"Stay there. Don't fucking move a muscle."

He almost sounds angry with you so you're nervous while you wait.

When he shows up Namjoon leaves quietly. You're still standing in the hall.

He looks like he hasn't slept in days, clothes rumpled, hair messy. He's lost weight, jaw sharper than you remember.

His face is dead serious as he walks toward you.

"Do you have any idea what I've been through? Where the fuck have you been?"

You're angry suddenly.

"What do you think, I've been on vacation? I was trying to get back to you-"

He grabs you around the waist and pulls you to him, breathing in your familiar scent, and his shoulders are shaking.

His voice is choked with tears when he's finally able to speak.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."

Once you're inside, he holds you for hours, looking at you like you're something so rare and precious.

He listens to you explain what happened with tears tracking down his face.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so angry. You've been through so much. I just...I stopped functioning while you were gone. I left my brothers, I left everything behind because I couldn't face my life without you in it."

"Baby, it's all okay. I'm back now, and you don't have to do any of this alone. Not ever again."

That's when he breaks down, big, chest heaving sobs, face in his hands and you crawl into his lap and his arms go around you and he rocks you back and forth for a while before he can compose himself.

"I love you so much. I'm so grateful to have you in my life."

Jimin

You walk in and it's so dark, all the lights shut off.

He walks into the front room and just stops there, stock still.

You rush into his arms and they go around you slowly at first and then he's holding you so tight you can barely breathe.

He's sobbing so hard you worry he'll make himself sick, you try to pull back to comfort him but he crushes your head against his chest.

When you finally get him to the bedroom he still can't stop crying, kissing you all over your face, choking out "I love you I love you I love you" like a mantra.

He finally dozes off and you sneak to the bathroom.

You're washing your hands when you hear a panicked cry of your name.

You rush out and he's scrambled up on the bed.

"What's wrong?"

He's grabbing at you, desperately, pulling you down onto the bed.

"You can't go. You can't ever go again, please..."

"Baby, I was just in the bathroom..."

But you trail off when he starts crying again, pulling you close and burying his face in your hair.

He's tugging your shirt off and you expect him to kiss you but he doesn't, just pulls you flush against his chest, skin to skin.

He lets out a sigh that almost sounds relieved.

"There. Now you're right where you're supposed to be."

Taehyung

You have to knock on the door because you've lost your keys, you've lost everything but the clothes on your back.

When he swings open the door he doesn't look like you'd expected.

You'd expected his big, boxy smile, but his eyes are almost...empty.

Then realization dawns on his face and fat tears are rolling down his face.

"J-Jagi?" His voice is so low and hoarse you wonder if it hurts his throat to speak.

"It's me, Tae. I'm sorry-"

Your words get muffled by him yanking you inside and crushing you to his chest, arms roaming your back, checking for injuries.

You've got bruises on your inner forearms from the accident and he kisses them soft, almost reverently.

He kisses your mouth, deep and slow, and so sweet it makes your heart ache.

You end up in the bedroom with him taking off your clothes slowly, checking you for injuries and kissing you all over.

He makes love to you so gently, crying the whole time, looking into your eyes and whispering words of love and comfort in his deep, soothing voice.

"You're safe now, yeah? You're home, and nothing will ever take you away from me again."

Jungkook

When he opens the door and you're standing there his eyes widen but he just pulls you inside and asks you what happened.

He's calm and stoic about the whole thing, holding you close and helping you work through your emotions about the accident.

It's almost a week later when things change.

Traffic is awful coming back from work and you've still got your phone on silent from work and you don't think anything of being a half hour later than usual.

Until you almost slam into Jungkook rushing out the door.

"Oh, thank God! Where the fuck have you been I was about to come and look for you?"

You come inside and throw down your keys.

"It was just traffic, Kook, why-"

You look over at him and realize he's trembling all over.

You take his hand and sit down with him on the couch.

"I thought...I thought I lost you again. I can't lose you again, Y/n, it felt like I was drowning, every day..."

His voice cracks and you hold him while he cries, burying his face in your neck.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think about how much this must have affected you, too."

He pulls you close.

"Just be careful, okay? I can't lose you."

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minorin-fanfictions · 3 years

Text

Falling For You - Jimin Oneshot

Pairing: Jimin × reader (bestfriendtolovers!au)

Warning: mentions of cheating

Angst , Fluff

Word count: 2677

Here you were yet again. All smiles and cheerful. Totally not like the man who had bawled his eyes out over an ex, on my living room. You really couldn't see that she wasn't the one ever meant for an angel like you. But then again, love is blind. But you are an idiot for not noticing her cheating even after all the signs.

Jimin: "Do you think Kara and I would have lasted longer if I had been enough for her?" Of course.... her again. It makes me feel sick to the stomach listening to you still talk about your ex.

"Jimin, your enough for anyone out there. Even if you still love her, please move on." And the worst part is that i have to act like it's not killing me inside when you talk about her.

Jimin: "Y/n i know you will whack me with a magazine if i express my gratitude but thanks for being the bestest friend. I mma sure I'd still be mopping around my house about my love life if not for you."I refuse to accept that my heart clenced when you called me your bestfriend. It's funny how i started resenting that title in high school and look at nothing changing in College either.

"You still owe me a lot of grocery because s0mEoNE can't cook food for themselves so they think eating up others' is alright." His giggle made my playful frown turn into a soft smile. I guess that's Jimin Effect at this point.

The first week of Jimin's break up had been a disaster. I had found him crying on his bedroom floor, tears falling with an intensity capable of filling an entire bathtub with salt. He was reluctant to talk in detail about his cheating ex initially but soon spilled everything once he was ready, which was on the 6th day of his break up. The first five days had been spent with him crying his eyes out, while I rubbed his back and helped him breathe through his panic attacks.

The 2nd week, Jimin protected his fragile state in the depth of his silence. We would be in his living room like always yet the difference would be that he refused to speak. He just sat on his sofa with his head on my shoulder while I talked about anything and everything, pausing only to hear him hum in response.

So when I said that hearing him coo over Kara for the past years was painful and i wanted it to desperately stop. It definitely didn't mean that i wanted Jimin to loose sight of himself once he finally had to stop.

During the 3rd week, Jimin became more talkative. He laughed a little at my jokes, smiled at the compliments and cracked a few jests himself which I was obliged to laugh to. We would be in the kitchen while his mom cooked his favourite and i whispered things like, "Psst, I once planned to come to school mad but ended up laughing during the first period because I found you making faces at me from the front." Jimin had laughed so hard once he remembered the incident that he fell off his chair. "As far as i recall, you and chairs have a deep 'seated' hatred towards each other." I noticed his mother smile from the side upon seeing her son doubling over in laughter while Jimin found my pun unnecessarily funny. Not that I minded of course.

I could speak nonsense and Jimin would still appreciate it. We could call at 4 in the morning just to ask things like, 'what if birds aren't singing but screaming because they are afraid of heights' and then we would question our sanity.

I turned to look at him half lying on the couch with his gaze fixed on his phone while his feet laid on top- "PARK JIMIN GET YOUR FEET OFF MY TABLE I CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE YESTERDAY " and cue me chasing Jimin around the house just for the sake of tackling him to the ground. In that moment I realized that Jimin had given me a lot of happiness by just being my bestfriend, the damage I inflicted upon myself after catching feelings was my fault.

It's been about a month since Jimin's break up and although he mentions how he had plans for their perfect future, from time to time, he has become more confident himself. Not that it makes me feel less annoyed at him being smitten over a cheater. So i really hope he grows out of what he has gone through before I snap some nec- Jimin: "You know Kara once said-" was all he was able to say on our peaceful walk out of the campus before i cut him off. "How about I don't want to know what Kara once said?" I replied sharply. "Do you hear yourself right now? Kara is gone and it is for the better."

Jimin simply nodded mumbling an apology and i felt bad for the way i said it. We continued walking but he still didn't bring his head up. Cautiously intertwining our hands together I gave his hand a light squeeze to which he responded with squeezing mine back. Not feeling satisfied i started swinging our arms back and forth, constantly bumping my shoulder with his to which he laughed. Jimin shook his head and smiled saying, "You have a unique way of showing that you feel bad but since I adore you, I accept your apology."

"I wasn't apologising for anything," i felt my ears burned as a result of his previous words.

"Mhm ofcourse" Jimin sarcastically said.

"Yes of course"

"I believe you"

"Like you should!"

We bickered. Like always. Having been friends for almost a decade, a silent apology for arguments or just going back to being crack heads was normal. And I could never be more glad for that. Everything seemed normal again.

"Umm.. Hey Jimin." a voice stuttered. We looked back in unision only to find Jimin's ex. Perhaps things only 'seemed' normal.

"Jimin, can I talk to you," Kara eyed me continuing, "alone?" I tugged at Jimin's sleeves and that is enough for him to know that he shouldn't cave in, so he hesitantly replied, "You can say it here."

"But it is supposed to be between us for privacy reasons," Kara inhaled sharply. Hearing her speak nonsense I voiced my thoughts, " I don't think you are well aware of the definition of either 'us' or 'privacy' between two people" Jimin holds Yukari in place when he notices her being two steps away from pouncing at Kara.

Jimin: "You can talk here, afterall, there is no 'us' any longer"

Kara: "Babe, give me a chance."

I interrupted, "Call him a pet name again. I dare you"

Kara visibly shuddered maybe because she knew that I was willing to throw hands at anyone hurting my friends.

Kara: "J-jimin, I am sorry for what i did. I know what I lost is irreplaceable. You are irrepla-"

"So it took you an entire month to know his worth or did you just run back to him because you got dumped," I hissed

Jimin reached forward to grab hold of my arm but I shrugged it off as soon as he made contact with me.

"You think ruining someone's perspective on love is alright? You did not cheat once. Nor was it an accident. Which cheap person would cheat for 8 consecutive months until they get caught? Apparently , you would." With each word I moved closer to Kara while Jimin did his best to hold my hand. But in an instant I yanked his hand away and was about to go into a full blown rage not really afraid of throwing hands. And that is when Jimin snapped, "You better stop Y/n!"

Time stilled. I gave Jimin a sceptical look waiting for him to continue.

He inhaled deeply, calming his nerves before addressing me, "Let me speak."

"What will you say? You will forgive her? Take her back? Wait for her to cheat agai-"

"Y/n," Jimin's stern voice cut me off.

His gaze fixated on me, not acknowledging Kara, "You know that she meant the entire world to me for 2 years, right? I will forgive her b-"

I stared incredulously at Jimin before blurting, "You should mean nothing to me." I speedily walked past them immediately, trying to calm my nerves so that the stinging in my eyes would ease.

Author P.O.V

On the other hand, Jimin realised the wrong meaning of his words and accelerated towards his best friend only to be stopped by his ex, "Jimin, please hear me out"

Jimin glared at her saying, "When I said I forgive you it didn't mean that I want you back."

Kara pleaded, "Don't leave me"

"She needs me and I need to fix it," was all Jimin said before he dashed after Y/n, stumbling down the hallway to reach his best friend.

"This is why we never worked out! It's her! It has always been her! You always left me when she needed you. You prioritised her even when I was you girlfriend! For once stay-"

Kara's voice became distant as he was further away from her but her first few words surely did not fall upon deaf ears.

He heard it. He heard her telling him how Y/n was the reason of their downfall. He heard her telling him how Y/n was the reason of her insecurities. He heard her telling him how his care and worry for Y/n outweighed what he felt for Kara. But he already knew that. Jimin was well aware that it was his mistake for giving himself to Kara just to overcome the attraction he had built for a certain bestfriend of his. Over the years, your heart often chooses the one who gets you most. The one that calls you stupid for crying while embracing you or maybe the one that cries with you over a movie. And he knew. He knew now , 'the one' for him.

"Y/n! Listen!" Jimin screamed as soon as he saw her just a few steps in front of him, standing under the bus stop shade. Thankfully, no one was around to witness Y/n's panicked state and Jimin's rushed words. Seeing that she completely ignored his call, he paced towards her and whirled her around to face him. "Please listen and don't say I mean nothing to you. It hurts."

"4 years. I waited for 4 years hopelessly. You think you are hurt? Well then i guess I am miserable," Y/n's voice wavered. Although confused by Yukari's words he still tried to get her to understand his prior actions, "No no no... J-just listen."

"No. You listen, Park Jimin! Please. Listen." Y/n snapped and Jimin immediately shut himself willing to hear her let it out. "It was difficult..." she cleared her throat to not let the lump grow further, "when I had to get through the moments where you cooed over your girlfriend and I silently contemplated on how to get over you. It was difficult to see you cry over her. It was obvious that you loved her a lot and maybe I was jealous that it would never be me whom you'd love in that manner." The all to familiar stinging was back in her eyes, "Each year that went by where we remained friends, I loved you even more! Honestly, having a guy bestfriend is truly amazing. Until you fall in love with him." She tilted her head to the side, "Jimin... I don't think my heart can take watching you love someone else again.... Not when everything in me is drawn to you!"

Once she ended her rant, realisation hit Jimin like a truck. He could have ended their sufferings if he hadn't been so afraid of ruining what they shared.

"Y/n.. I didn't know you felt that way"

As soon as, Y/n registered the words she had spoken during her rant, she wished the ground beneath would just swallow her. Completely mortified by her actions she looked for an escape.

"Let’sJustPretendThisNeverHappened."

Jimin frowned upon hearing her, "I’m not okay with just pretending."

Regaining her composure she phrased her next words, "I am so sorry Jimin. This was never part of my plan. We were supposed to be best friends but i ruined it."

"We might as well have been dating this entire time," Jimin sighed

" I know I- Excuse me, wait what? You don't mean..." Y/n wondered if she heard correctly.

He cheekily smiled in return, "Are you going to panic again if I confess?"

"Why didn’t you say something sooner, you jerk!? I- Oh gosh, I could have saved myself from all the embarrassing moments and you are telling me this now? Like, really? Am I a joke-"

"Would you like me to say it now?" Jimin interrupted her mini rant

"Hey! No! Listen! Don't cut me off-"

"I love you," Jimin tenderly reached for her hand and for once she didn't move away

Silence. Like he expected.

"I love you," Jimin repeated.

She stared at him and he knew she was trying. Trying to find the right words.

"I love you more than just as my best friend"

"Why so suddenly?" The question lingering in her thoughts was finally spoken.

“I- Well- You know I’m not good with these confessions," Jimin sighed, "But the thing is- I couldn't- just ruin our friendship with my mistakes. You are my.. umm… priority... You’ve always been important. To me.”

"Why me?" Y/n squeezed Jimin's hand and he tried to be smooth with his confession.

"Well, I love your face. And the stuff on it like your eyes and that small mole beside your ear, which apparently are very red right now." He chuckled to which Y/n playfully glared at him, "Also the things around your face such as your hair. Y'know.. The thing is, it’s you, okay?.. it's just you. Only you, in general.”

Very smooth indeed.

On the other hand, the corner of Y/n's lips tugged upwards upon see their stuttering roles reversed. She ruffled his soft locks and smiled. But before she could reply, a bus stopped in front of them and soon became vacant as people began exiting it.

"Let's go home, dum dum," Y/n entered it.

Meanwhile, Jimin followed her, constantly nudging and whispering, "Hey, gimme an answer" "I literally just confessed thrice" "C'mon just once" "pLEaSe" All to which, Y/n either rolled her eyes or teased Jimin by ignoring him.

Jimin walked Y/n home but refused to move away from her doorstep, only staring off in space. It was silent until he broke it,

“If I even slightly pecked your lips, would you smack me? Because I want to kiss you, but not if you’re going to jab me in the ribs.”

"I will, in fact, jab you in the ribs if you do that without even taking me on a date"

Jimin immediately became giddy at the thought of a date with his best friend and quickly rummaged for his phone, typing a message. All while, Y/n stared at his antics, bewildered once she saw him look up at her eagerly. Her phone soon rang notifying a message and upon reading it she let out a laugh.

Jm🐥: I'll pick you up at 8, tomorrow morning. So dress up in any comfortable clothes since I will only take you back home at night.

She typed 'sure✨, dum dum' and entered her house, but not before giving Jimin a quick hug to which he responded by a tight squeeze.

Y/n leaned against the door frame after closing it and tried to control the erratic beating of her heart while the tender confession he whispered during their hug echoed in her ears like lullaby, throughout the night.

#drabbles #oneshots #short story #scenarios #romance #reader insert #prompts #my fic #Jiminxreader #jimin #jiminoneshot #angst #fluff #pjmoneshot #pjmxreader

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the-fangirl-way · 5 years

Text

3: Blush

I stood there in shock, my mind racing, my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest.

"H-Harry, what..what are you doing here?" I finally asked, my mouth catching up with my mind.

"I got bailed out." He said casually as if we were talking about the weather rather than how he had gotten out of prison.

"Bailed out? Your bail bond was set at two hundred thousand.." I said and he nodded.

"Who..what..."

"My father bailed me out, are you going to let me inside?"

"Wha- I don't think that's a good idea-" I started but he pushed past me inside the apartment.

"It's freezing out there." He said plopping down on the couch.

"Nice place."

"Harry you can't just be here, in my apartment, I could get in trouble.. Oh God." I said realizing at any minute Tristan would arrive and there was no telling how he'd react to finding Harry in my apartment.

"Relax, I'm just here to talk." He said crossing his ankle over his leg.

"Harry no really, you can't be here." I emphasized and at that moment the door buzz went off again.

"Are you expecting company?" He asked raising an eyebrow. "Who is it?"

I ignored him and pushed the button.

"Uh, hold on one second." I said into the speaker.

"Avery? Everything alright?" Tristans voice asked and Harry's expression changed from a smirk to an irritated glare.

"Officer Dick Head? You invited him here?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. "Oh my God, are you two fucking?" He asked then and I widened my eyes.

"Harry! That's none of your business! You've got to go!" I said grabbing his wrist to pull him up but he protested.

"No, I want to stay, thank you."

"Well you can't stay!" I said irritated.

"You've got to- oh you can't go down stairs he'll see you! Hide in my bedroom!" I said pushing him to the stairs.

"You've got to be fucking kidding." Harry protested irritably.

"No Harry I'm not, you hide and I'll get rid of him." I said and in a flash his expression changed from irritated to cocky again.

"Okay." He agreed before retreating up the stairs.

My heart was pounding wildly and I couldn't control my breathing.

What the hell was I going to do?

Thinking quickly I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, ruffled my clothes and grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around myself.

"Come up." I said weakly into the buzzer and within seconds I heard a knock on the door.

"Tristan." I said opening the door and instantly felt like the worst person on the entire planet.

He was dressed in a nice button up dress shirt, a pair of nice jeans and boots. His five o'clock shadow was shaved and he was holding a bottle of wine with a ribbon around it in one hand, and a bag of takeout in the other.

"Are you alright?" He asked, his eyes filling with concern.

I wanted to go upstairs and punch Harry in the jaw for doing this to me, ruining my night with Tristan.

"I- I think I'm coming down with something, I've been throwing up all evening." I lied, hoping it sounded convincing enough.

His face dropped and I instantly felt a million times worse.

"Oh."

"I'm so sorry, I was going to call you about five minutes before you showed up." I said trying to sound sincere.

"No, it's fine. I understand, you can't help being sick." He said dismissingly.

"I really am sorry. I'll call you tomorrow?" I offered and he smiled a small smile.

"Sure, yeah, okay."

I reached up and kissed him on the cheek lightly.

"Goodnight." I said before closing the door, looking at his sad expression made me feel like the worst person in the world.

"That was touching." I heard Harry's voice from behind me, causing me to jump, he was leaned up against the doorframe smirking at me.

"I should kick your ass for that." I said and he laughed.

"Or you could kiss my ass.." He said flirty and I rolled my eyes.

"Why the hell are you here Harry?"

"I told you, I got bailed out." He said reinstating what he had already told me.

"Yeah, I got that. But why are you here?" I asked and he was silent.

"Harry seriously we are not in an interrogation, and I can call the police for you just showing up and inviting yourself in my house." I said, my voice more steady than I felt.

"I got evicted from my apartment." He said averting his gaze from my face.

"Okay? So go to your Mother's or your sisters or-"

"No one knows I'm out except my dad and I'd like to keep it that way." He said sternly and I sighed exasperated.

"Well then go stay with him."

"I would like to, only he told me I can't stay with him because he doesn't want a felon in his house the prick." He mumbled and a pang of guilt settled in to me but there was no way in hell he could stay here.

"That sucks, but you can't stay here, I've got a roommate."

"Ah yes, the spunky raven haired nurse." He said and I raised an eyebrows.

"How do you know that?" I asked warily.

"Relax. I got out this morning and saw you two coming out of Wahaca. I wasn't going to approach you on the street." He said walking over to take a seat on the couch again.

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked then.

"The lady at the library desk told me. What was her name, Doris was it? She was quite hesitant to give up your information when she saw me."

"You were following me?" I asked and he shrugged.

"I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you'd probably make a scene like you are now." He said gesturing to me.

"How am I supposed to believe you?" I asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Believe me, don't believe me, I don't really care." He said annoyed, turning his attention to the tv.

"Harry.." I said agitated, taking a seat on the couch, making sure to keep a good distance between him and myself.

"Save it. I came to talk to you about Langston." He said and my that held my attention.

"Now you wanna talk?"

"I'm not being surveillanced and video taped now.. am I?" He asked looking around the apartment warily.

"What do you think I videotape all of my guests and watch it back?" I asked and he shrugged, I rolled my eyes.

"So tell me." I urged.

Harry shifted in his seat to look at me, his expression going from slightly annoyed and smirking to serious in a matter of seconds. His emerald eyes locked on mine.

"You have to swear you won't tell." He started and my heart sped up again.

"Harry I'm a detective I-"

"Swear to it or I won't tell you a thing and I'll leave."

I wanted to know so badly why he had done what he'd done, but sitting here now in this moment I didn't feel prepared at all to find out the truth. And on top of that I couldn't tell Callahan, or record it, or they would file it on Harry depending on the information and possibly arrest him again, and then I would be his target. Harry was a pretty easy going person most of the time, but the fact alone that he had tried to kill someone made my skin crawl with fear of what he would do to me if I told.

"I swear." I whispered and he stared at me a minute before looking satisfied enough to begin.

"Wesley Langston was my sister's boyfriend." He started and I felt myself gasp before I could stop it.

"But, in the interview-"

"She didn't tell anyone except me. Our Mother didn't even know, hell she probably wouldn't have told me if I hadn't found her-" He stopped, his eyes leaving focus, his mind wandering to something in his memory.

"Harry.." I mumbled bringing him back to reality.

"He was an English major at her college, he had graduated two years before her and he was there for the study abroad program." He said and I nodded, urging him to continue.

"They started dating for about two months, she didn't tell any of us I guess because she didn't know where things were going to go and she didn't want him to meet the family and all that jazz if things didn't work.."

"One night she didn't come home, she always came home around midnight or so, she'd say she was out with friends when she was really with him. So that night when she didn't come home I went looking for her. None of her friends had seen her, I panicked worrying if something had happened to her so I called her cell phone. She answered and lied and told me she was at a friend of her's house but I knew that was a lie because I had already been there so I made her tell me where she was, threatening to get the police involved." He stopped, looking down at his hands.

"She was at a hotel, he was already gone when I got there, and I swear if he had of been there I would have killed him." He said through his teeth, I could see him seething, trying to calm himself thinking of the memory.

"What happened Harry?" I asked quietly.

"She was laying on the bed wrapped up in the blanket, she was crying and begging me not to tell mom. She had scattered bruises all over her face, her lip was busted open and bleeding, there was a gash over her eye that was bleeding.."

Harry quit talking, I could see the small tears pricking up in the corners of his eyes, he quickly thumbed them away.

"I took her to the hospital and they sewed the wound above her eye, I told her I would call the police but she begged me not to, begged me not to tell anyone about it and to leave it alone but she knew I couldn't do that, but at the time I promised her. We were released and she stayed with me for a few days until her face healed, we told our Mother that she was staying with me to clean my apartment and spend time with me, and when she asked about the stitches we told her she fell and hit her head on an end table, Mom never questioned it, Gemma had always been clumsy.." He said, this was the first smile he displayed, it was small, but visible. His eyes were puffy from the tears.

"After that, I sought out to find the bastard and do what he had done to my sister, only I knew it wouldn't do me any good except land me in jail, so I decided if I was going to go to jail for something I would make sure he'd never bother her again.." He said finishing his spew and I sat quietly, it was a lot to take in. I couldn't quite place the feeling inside of me, it wasn't pity or disgust, it was something along the lines of compassion. I would never condole killing anyone else but I knew deep down inside my heart that if that had been my sister, or Devlin I would have done the same thing.

Harry sat motionless for a few minutes and the nurturing side of me came out before I could stop myself, I scooted closer and placed my hand on his arm.

"I wish you would have told me before." I said and his gaze transfigured from the floor to me.

"I couldn't, I made a promise to my sister I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Yeah but Harry-"

"No." He cut me off.

"I promised. If I had told you, you would have gotten Gemma and my mother involved and neither of them need to be involved in what I've done, or didn't do." He said, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

I didn't say anything, instead sat still looking at Harry.

He looked a million times better than he since yesterday, the color in his face was starting to come back. His hair had been trimmed and was clean, I wondered if he had taken me up on my suggestion to get a good shower, I assumed he had by the clean clothes he was wearing.

All in all he looked.. good, considering. And he smelled good.

He smelled like irish spring or something masculine mixed with a subtle hint of mint. It was quite the intoxicating smell, but I wheeled myself away from the thought immediately, dangerous territory.

Finally after what seemed like ages I spoke.

"Harry, you can't stay here, I'm sorry but you can't."

He didn't argue or even look upset he just shrugged.

"I didn't think so."

"I'm sorry, if it weren't for the circumstances."

"Save it again, I get it." He said standing up and stretching.

"I'll be fine."

He headed for the door and I followed to see him out.

I opened the door and he stepped out in the hallway turning back to look at me.

"See you soon, Avery." He said, the tone of his voice sent unfamiliar chills down my spine but I brushed them off.

"Harry." I mumbled and watched him walk away down the hallway and board the elevator before I could breathe evenly again.

I quickly shut the door and deadbolted it, my heart racing and my mind matching.

Devlin returned home sometime after midnight, she had changed out of her scrubs and was wearing a nice dress and heels.

"You're still up?" She asked when she stepped inside and noticed me curled up on the couch with my laptop.

"Yes?" I questioned and she sized me up.

"Your hair is up, you're not wearing makeup, and you're in your pajamas, I'm guessing Lennon didn't show up?"

I thought seriously about telling Devlin what had happened with Harry but decided against it, if she knew she would probably have a conniption and call the police.

"He got called into work." I lied and she nodded believing me.

"How was your night?" I asked shifting the conversation away from my night and its endeavors.

"It was...good actually. Dr. Stevens took me to this really nice Japanese restaurant and a movie." She said smiling.

"Oh yeah? What movie?"

"The one with Kate Beckinsale and Jonah Hill."

"Oh yeah, how was it?" I asked and a cheeky grin broke out on her face.

"I don't know."

"You dog!" I said laughing and she giggled.

"I know, making out in a movie theater how juvenile am I i?"

"As long as you're happy Dev, I'm happy."

"I am really happy, Eric is a great guy. Now we both have good men." She said and I nodded, my stomach feeling in knots knowing I had blown off Tristan for Harry tonight.

"Well I'm going to bed, see you in the morning?" Devlin offered and I nodded, she gave me a quick hug and headed up the stairs to bed.

I flipped off the tv and decided to head to bed myself, I'd had enough excitement for one night.

When I got upstairs I checked my phone before plugging it in.

From: Tristan

Hope you're feeling better, call you tomorrow?

I sighed knowing that I had blown him off for stupid Harry showing up. I quickly texted back.

Sounds good, goodnight.

I laid down in bed and before I knew it I was drifting off to sleep.

I dreamt of emerald eyes and inky tattoos.

#harry styles smut #harry smut #harry styles fanfic #harrystyles #harry #harrystylessmut #harry styles fandom #harry styles au #harry styles fanfction #harry styles

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erismerald · 5 years

Text

MY NEW ROAD - Chapter 1

» Older Daniel Diaz x reader

» Warnings: mature, romance, blood, gang

Chapter 2

» So i was hoping i could read something about daniel diaz, at the end of 5 ep, and as i was sick of waiting, so i decided to write a long short about older daniel diaz, so let's go :)

And there I was, in this moment i was terrified, I could I feel my blood coming out of my belly, it hurts a lot... I couldn't breathe, or think, to be honest I didn't know what to do... Who is he? Why is he here? For a few seconds i felt my body being lifted up.

" Y/N ? Oh please wake up... ahhh SEAN!!!!"

I recognized this voice, but I just let my eyes close, I felt my body fall asleep.

*A FEW HOURS EARLIER*

So HI!! My name is y/n, im 17 and right now I'm living on my own in Mexico, more property in puerto lobos.

I'm a very simple girl, I grew up in LA with my grandparents, I never met my parents, and during my life, my grandparents never told me about their daughter, they just told me that she had abandoned me when I was Little, and as for my father, they didn't know who she was, so I never really cared about that.

I've been living here for about six weeks,I study in a small americam school, near here. I'm loving living here I never thought, that a dream I had since I was little would come true so soon, I decided to live here, because I love Mexican culture and not to mention that living by the beach never tires anyone, and I still have the privilege of seeing the sunset disappear into the waves...

Since I was a child I was very shy and I don't know how to express myself to others anht this is the reason why I've not be able to make friends in this new school yet, I feel ashamed when they look at me or try to talk to me, it's complicated, however, I've always managed to make some friends in LA, people I talk to almost every single day.

it's already 7 am i think i should be preparing for school but i think laziness has won ahaha, I got up and tried to take as little time as possible, I don't want to be late again or Ms. Lopez will kick me out of her class again.

I was new to that school and it wasn't the first time I was late, which I can say I love sleeping, but I have to work harder to make sure that doesn't happen, and I'm going to start right now haha.

I tried to take as little time as possible, of course that for me it's kind of impossible, because, I still had to take a shower before going, but I think at least I won't be late this time, I look at the clock and OMG is already 7:50 and the classes start at 8:00, ahhhhh how will I get to school in 10... Afff so much effort for nothing, well at least I can still get to the beginning of the first class.

On the way to school, I saw him again... I think his name is Daniel, he's from my class but I never talked to him before, and to be honest, I never had the courage to talk to him, well... not only with him, I think with everyone in general, so far I haven't made any friends, except the lady from the apartment next door, and we only talk on Sundays, because we have the same way when we go to church.

I think I've been looking at him too long... why do I say that? He's looking at me right now. I can't deny it he's beautiful... he's so mysterious, but from what I've seen of him, at school he's very fun, reserved, but fun.

I felt him staring at me, which made me completely ashamed, and my only option for not having to talk to him was to hit him and not, to look at him as I passed by, even with my back to him his gaze managed to make me feel a huge chill, but it's a good thing that I'm already arriving at school.

For real I didn't know what to tell him anyways.

When i arrived at school i came across Ms.Lopez on the way. And I think it was at this moment that I realized I was completely fucked up, I tried to go unnoticed, but without success.

And when I turned back I only saw her ferocious gaze directed at me.

"Miss l/n shouldn't be in class already. Preferably sitting at your desk waiting for me." - she looked at me with a deadly look on her face

"oh I finally find you y/n, thx for waiting for me, and here you have your Spanish book that you lent me." He looked at me and winked at me, so that I could continue with the theater.

"O-of course I do, Daniel, there's nothing to be thankful for" he stands next to me and takes my hand. And he gave me the book, I felt my heart go off a thousand an hour...When I lifted my face I saw his eyes glued on me, why did he protect me?

"Is that why you were late?" She looked at me and then at Daniel, I felt the anger in her eyes

"yes i decided to wait for daniel" i smiled at her, and i felt daniel put himself behind me

"Vamos, no te enojes con ella, maestra. Sólo fue esta vez (Come on, don't get mad at her, teacher. It was just this time .)" Daniel grabbed my shoulders and spoke, I saw Ms. Lopez calm her eyes and take a deep breath.

"Hum being so, i let you pass your delay this time you two have 5 minutes to introduce you in my class, and miss L/N thank the boy Daniel for helping her " his voice was calm now but his words were cold.

She continued on her way to the classroom, and I hear Daniel laughed

"You're welcome!" daniel said as my body moved, his voice was now hoarse, I sounded hypnotized by the voice of him.

"T-thank you for helping me." I tried to be short and quick in my answer. I was so nervous and idk why.

"let's go to class before Ms. Lopez decides to murder us, because we're late" daniel just went on her way but stopped 3 steps ahead of me.

"will have to pull you?" he laughs softly and throws a half smile, my heart, jumped a beat when i saw that smile.

"Y-yes" I just followed him.... When we arrived in the room each one sat in his seat, but for some reason, Daniel kept looking at me and it made me nervous for the rest of the time.

During the rest of the day, everything went as usual, except for the failed attempt by me to escape Daniel's gaze, I don't know what he was looking for in me, but I think I managed to make him lose interest for a while. I think.

When I finally rang the exit bell, I was the first to leave for the first time, I didn't want to know anything else, I just wanted to get home and enjoy being alone.

When I walked through the school gate, I took a deep breath and tried to rearrange my ideas, how can something as simple as talking to a person make me so nervous?

I'll speed up the walk and look at the sky and then at the sea at the end of the street to calm myself down. I didn't understand what was going on this day but I just asked it to end quickly. Yeah, to tell you the truth, I've never had a boy look at me for so long, am I getting a crush on him? AHHHHH well I hope not.

When I was almost at home, I felt a chill on my back and soon I could be able to realized what was happening....

"Are you trying to avoid me?" Not that voice, not again.

I turned slowly and there he was, did he follow me? When I looked at him I felt my face boiling with shame.

"Did the Cat eat your tongue?" he looked at me and laughed, and began to approach me.

I tried to ignore to not have to answer, I really suffered from many anxiety problems and did not know what to do in these situations.

"okay i got you, you don't want to talk to me don't worry" he looked at the floor and his cheerful expression went to sadness

"well see you tomorrow at school" when he was going to turn around and continue on his way i screamed

"WAIT"

He turned to me and smiled... OH God that smile was so sweet

"I thought you weren't gonna answer ahaha."

"I'm not ignoring you, or avoiding you...I'm just too shy to talk" I couldn't face his eyes so I just looked at the ground.

"Are you sure? I didn't want to get into it with Ms Lopez, but I knew if I didn't, she'd kick you out of her class" when I looked up I came across the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.

It made me blush, involuntarily, I didn't know what to say.

"thank you...and it's okay, I'd be kicked out if it wasn't for you too, so thank you for helping me."

"You're welcome, I've always seen you being very shy with everyone and you don't seem to be the kind of person who would be late on purpose, well, I won't take up your time. See you tomorrow"

he said with a perverse smile on his face

"Oh and if tomorrow you want company for the school I can wait here for you".

I didn't have time to say anything else I just agreed and entered the building.

When I got home I lay on the couch, looking at the ceiling, trying to see what had happened, I didn't notice it, but I felt my body tired and ended up falling asleep.

"Daniel... Something about him attracted me...'

I opened my eyes very slowly, I looked at the window and it was already dark, I picked up my phone and turned it on, I had 5 unanswered calls from my grandmother, this was strange she didn't call me so often

I dialed her number and called...

"y/n honey is you?"

"yes Grandma, what's going on? I'm sorry I was so tired that I fell asleep and didn't hear you call".

Without telling me anything else she felt like she was crying, but what happened to make my grandmother cry she hardly ever does, and when I say that she doesn't, it's because it's rare.

"Honey, I have something to tell you... Your mother is looking for you," those words left me unanswered, my mother?

No...

Couldn't be, my mother abandoned me 16 years ago, for me she died... I started crying, that person who abandoned me 16 years ago, now its looking for me why? I had so many questions in my mind, I couldn't talk to anybody, I just need some time.

"honey are there? Y/n?" My grandmother called me...

"I'm sorry Grandma, I need to think a little, I'll call you later."

"darling no-" i hung up on her, i don't like to do this but i need time to process

I got up, grabbed my jacket and went out towards the beachWhen I got there I sat down on the sand, and watched the sea, and the waves coming at me, I didn't want to believe that my mother was looking for me, if she hadn't wanted me in 16 years, she wouldn't want me now.... Now I did not even want her back

At that moment I felt that I was not alone there, I turned around and saw a group of people coming towards me.

I got up quickly and tried to get out of there, but it was too late.

Fear sometimes makes us irrational, and at this moment I did not know what to do, I did not know how to react, I was scared, I felt one of the men grabbing me by the arms, and attached me to his body

"hey you, don't move so much kittens, let's talk"

The second man spoke and stood in front of me, and grabbed my face forcing me to look at him.

"so you're the Diaz little princess aren't you?" I wasn't noticing anything, I just tried to get away but without success, I wonder what would happen to me...

I tried to fight and I tried to let go, but unfortunately I only did worse, he pressed himself behind my back and won't let me go.

"Let's teach that boy a lesson, that's what he and his brother will pay to judge us dumb."

One of them pulled a knife out of his waist and approached me...

"NO PLEASE DON'T"

I started screaming, and crying madly, I was now completely scared.

At that very moment, I felt the blade pierce my skin... I didn't know what to do, I just tried to struggle

But when I turned my head, there he was, out of nowhere, the people around me were thrown away, I felt my body fall into the sand...

" Y/N ? Oh please wake up... ahhh SEAN!!!!"

I recognized this voice, but I just let my eyes close, I felt my body fall asleep...

But to be honest I felt my body warm, from this moment on, it just got dark.

_______________________________________

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semblanche · 5 years

Text

and curiosity clipped his wings - ch 3

featuring two brothers, one uncomfortable conversation, and a miracle.

status: first draft, edited

(ask to be added/removed from my tag list!)

` ` `

Raphael offers to pick me up, but I refuse.

I'm quite interested in the experience of taking a taxi, I tell him. Or, as the people here like to call it, a 'cab.'

He tells me not to be an idiot and that he'll be there in ten minutes.

The club seems duller by day. People totter out in hordes, leaning against each other for support and throwing up into flower pots until the bouncer ushers them outside. The bouncer is a tall dark man named Tim. I think I may have kissed him.

I help Tim clean up a bit until Raphael arrives. He smiles and calls me a good egg. I ask him if there's such a thing as a bad egg, and he tilts his head towards the hordes of no longer drunk girls holding each others hair up as they vomit in the corner. I recognize a few of them by face. One of them is wearing my coat.

"Bad eggs," he says, and his muscles ripple as he picks up the pieces of what I think used to be a table. "They ain't ever gonna pay for the damage they caused. Daddy's got them covered."

I tell him I think it's nice to see family supporting each other. He rolls his eyes, but doesn't answer. We work in silence until my phone buzzes and I know Raphael is here.

"Thanks for your help, man," Tim says as I excuse myself. “If you ever come back - drinks' on me."

My stomach churns at the thought of any more alcohol, but his dimples twitch when he smiles at me, so I accept and thank him.

It's cold outside, colder than I'd thought. The wind moves like a thief, creeping under my shirt and blowing goosebumps onto my skin. I don't move. It's a new feeling to me, being cold. I think I like it.

I see Raphael almost immediately. He's the only one driving a coach instead of a car. He's sitting on top of it awkwardly, arms crossed over his blue checkered jacket and with a lime green hat placed backwards on his head. He's light skinned today, and possibly bald - it's hard to tell under the hat. His face doesn't change when he sees me.

"Do people not have carriages anymore?" he asks. I look around at all the grey parked cars, and shake my head. Raphael’s long forgotten what it means for times to change.

"But it does make yours more unique.”

He sighs, and taps his fingers against his leg. I count six. Raphael's long forgotten what it means to seem human.

"Get in," he says, and I do. "And why are you shivering?"

"It's cold," I say shortly. The inside of the coach is just as chilly as the outside of it, and with a smell like a couch left in the rain to dry. There's a long, deep crack that splits the window in two. I run my finger across it, and a piece of my skin gets caught. I bleed.

"Cold," Raphael muses at the front of the coach. "He's cold. Where's your coat, Hector?"

I tell him the truth. I think I can lie now, no bonds of Heaven keeping my tongue in check, but I can't bring myself to do so yet. It feels like a step only a coward would take.

Raphael's silence is all I need to know he doesn't believe me.

I sink into my seat. It feels like no one has sat in it in centuries. On my finger, red drops are beginning to swell.

"You're acting like a child," Raphael finally says. "You know that?"

I suck on my finger. "I don't think children are allowed in clubs."

"Hector."

"Or thrown out of their homes."

"Hector."

I fall silent. My heartbeat sounds all too loud in my ears - a stone thudding against my chest. Still, I listen to it for a moment. Of all the things I've gained in my fall, a heartbeat is by far my favorite. It's like a song meant for my ears and my ears alone.

"I'm sorry.”

And what constitutes a lie, really? Does it have to be blatant fiction in place of fact? Or can it creep up on me slowly, words that are true on their own but hold no meaning when I speak them? Will humanity make me a liar when I'm not looking?

The thought scares me. I fall silent again, and hope my words die with me.

Raphael is asking me something. I tune it out, and he soon gives up. The carriage lurches to a start, and with it, my thoughts.

"Do you even know this boy?" Raphael finally asks. I shrug and rub at my finger. It's still bleeding a bit. I wonder if blood is supposed to be this red.

"In a sense."

"What sense?"

I grin. "A biblical one."

Raphael groans. He's not my brother anymore, not technically, but I know him well - our bond goes deeper than feathers and blood. And I know he's disgusted by such talk.

He doesn't say anything for a bit, and I look out the window. We're going fast, faster than we should be. Faster than I think coaches are supposed to go. I warn Raphael, but he ignores me. Our speed continues to build, like building blocks being stacked on top of each other to form a teetering tower, and next thing I know we're flying, Raphael recklessly weaving us through cars and bikes and motorcycles - I hear a scream, and wonder if we hit someone, but then realise my throat is trembling and the scream is just my own.

We keep going like this until our surroundings are a blur and my skin is peeling off like wax. We keep going like this until the stone in my chest that is my heartbeat explodes and the carriage lurches to a halt and Raphael tells me we're here.

I can't breathe.

Raphael gets off and opens the door for me. He has seven fingers now. Although that might just be me being too dizzy to count right.

“Get out,” he says, and I do. The ground swims under my feet. I've never liked swimming. “Have you already forgotten what miracles feel like?”

“Miracles depend on the person,” I say. My stomach turns itself inside out with each word I speak, and I pause, letting it settle. “I forgot what yours felt like.”

He smiles. He shines. “I think you mean depend on the angel.”

“Whatever,” I say. I heard a girl say it to her mother drunkenly on the phone once. It calms the bile I feel rising to my lips.

Raphael shrugs, and with a leap too graceful to be human returns to his seat on the coach. The horse harnessed in front of him looks the way I feel. Bones line her skin like coat hangers.

“Please let me know if you need anything else,” Raphael tells me. “Don't be too stubborn to reach out.”

“You called me a child.”

“Because you were being stubborn by not contacting me. You're really only proving my point.”

He lifts a hand, and the horse breaks into a slow, strenuous trot. Her hooves clop against the unevenly paved road like cups. I still feel a little sick watching them go.

“Good luck,” Raphael says as the horse pulls him and his outdated vehicle away. “I trust you know what you're doing.”

I wordlessly nod.

I want him to know I hear the warning in his words, no matter how well he lines it - that he trusts I know what I'm doing. If anything goes wrong with my plan, I haven't just let him down. I've lost his trust.

I want him to know I don't think I like how he's treating me, like I just tripped and lost my wings and should be pitied and helped along.

I want him to know that I'm a thousand years old, not a hundred, and I can take care of myself. I want him to know that at the end of the day, and at the start of eternity, I know I'll be just fine.

But by now he's too far, and really? I'm not sure if that last one is true.

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #religion #fallen angels #original writing #faithcore #urban fantasy #lgbt fantasy #ya fantasy #and curiosity clipped his wings #hector #archangel raphael #she writes #and in other news: ya girl is alive and killing it!#whew this took a while to post #sorry about that #summer should not be kicking my ass yet here we are

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Rio & Grace

Rio: Hey Rio: rough night, I hear Grace: Ugh Rio: That bad? Grace: Let's just not Grace: mum and dad have obvs given you the goss so like Rio: they just said you might wanna talk Rio: I'm out of the loop Rio: try me Grace: oh please none of you wanna pick up the phone unless Janis uses hers to call me out Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Rio: that ain't true Rio: and I'm here now Grace: sure babes Rio: come on Rio: you're gonna do me that dirty? Rio: pop an aspirin and spill Grace: there's no big drama, I've already told literally everyone that Rio: then why has it been made into one Rio: your chance to put your side across, don't be too pouty to take it Grace: UM hello, cos Janis is extra Grace: 🤞 that we'll all forget she took nan's car the other night if we focus on me rn Rio: So she made it up? Grace: she made it into something it's not duh Grace: so I hit up my ex Rio: Not like her to get involved, ever Rio: never mind for nothing Rio: what's up with that? Grace: like I said, mum and dad are !!!! about her and her bf so Grace: she's over it Rio: Who even is he Rio: some english kid, they said Grace: mhmm Grace: he's the hot new boy at school Rio: isn't there anyone new you've got your eye on Rio: exes are never a good idea, drama unwarranted or nah Grace: It's not like he's ever gonna be more than that Grace: I just needed a ride thanks Rio: You can't be doing that, babe Grace: I didn't end up doing anything, it's fine Rio: That ain't the point, you know that Rio: you treat lads like shit, give them the warrant to do it back Rio: you don't need to be living like that Grace: He already did, that's why he's an ex Rio: and that's why you don't hit him up Rio: that is not an ex, honey Grace: OMG he took me to a party not a registry office Rio: No one is concerned you're taking it too seriously Rio: not seriously enough Grace: Great, it's your turn to call me a hoe now Grace: love that Rio: Stop Rio: trying to be so right you hear us all wrong Rio: not taking serious how you let lads treat you Grace: No, Ri you can stop Grace: however bad you want me to feel I already do, trust Grace: it was the worst day, I tried to make it better Grace: that did NOT happen Grace: & now I'm over it Rio: I don't want you to feel bad, that's the whole point Rio: so what happened Grace: Nothing! I went to the fair with one boy, he left so I called another to take me home Grace: like I'm so sorry I'm not still there literally stranded Rio: You wouldn't be stranded don't be ridiculous Rio: we're not daft, you didn't need to go anywhere with that lad Rio: what happened to the first lad then Grace: well I OBVS wanted to Grace: who wouldn't after such a cringe date Rio: but your ex is a twat, no Rio: what kind of solution Grace: he doesn't pretend he isn't Rio: that makes it alright then Rio: come off it Rio: it's ice cream and bitching you need, not pencilling in another immediately after Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I'm not 9 hun Rio: Yes, you're very mature Rio: for God's sake Grace: Excuse you Grace: I shouldn't have called him okay but it's not that deep Rio: you two need to sort it out Rio: mum and dad don't need this Grace: OMG Grace: how dare you Grace: that bitch literally put herself in REAL danger, that's not me Rio: that's not what I heard Grace: Yeah? Grace: so when you literally just said that they told you I wanted to talk that was a lie Rio: well they're not going to just throw that at me with no context Grace: & the context is ???? Rio: Grace, tbh, I don't have the time to relay to you what you did, hence asking you at the start of this conversation Grace: mhmm Grace: you never have time for any of us Grace: & now you expect me to open up to you or something Rio: things change Rio: I'm not a child anymore either, I've got my own family, a job Rio: just because I can't be here 24/7 doesn't mean I'm not still your big sister Grace: Just stop Grace: pretending that you care about me Grace: treating me like I'm still 12 Grace: you can just stop Rio: we all care about you, Grace Grace: thanks for not wanting me to also get killed, obvs Grace: but like I've got that covered Rio: Clearly not Rio: I thought you were better than this Rio: we need less people in this family acting so recklessly Rio: why do you have to join in Grace: UM Janis is the one drunkenly trying to joyride Grace: give her some of this energy Rio: and you think getting taken to a party where you don't know anyone and it's majority older men then getting blackout drunk is any less dangerous Rio: worry about yourself Rio: she's a separate issue Grace: That isn't even what I did Grace: he lied to me about the party Rio: this is why you can't associate with people you already know are bad news Rio: you're a smart girl, you need to act like it or you'll get taken advantage of Rio: none of us want to see that Rio: you don't need me to tell you all the worse things that could've happened, my god, just like Janis doesn't need us to explain to her the dangers of what she did, but we still have to if you're both going to be pulling stunts like this Grace: I need for Janis not to tell mum and dad that I'm following in yours, Edie's and Carly's footsteps depending on the mood Grace: if she'd left me alone I wouldn't have been that drunk Grace: it's totally her fault that I couldn't just go home Rio: You can't put yourself in needless danger because you two are having a spat Rio: there's no scenario in life you don't take responsibility for your actions, babe Rio: because you'd be the one getting hurt, not her Grace: OMG it wasn't about her! I literally told you I was having the worst day Grace: like you've never hit up an ex cos he's a sure thing Grace: & I'm so sure Buster was right there whenever & that was always a good idea Rio: You just said it was Rio: and even if this was about me and my mistakes, which it isn't at all, what, you think that means it's okay for you to repeat them and I'll be cool with that Rio: god love them but I am not mum and dad, that's not how I do things okay Grace: & you just said I'm the problem Grace: I know, okay? Rio: I did not Grace: whatever, babes Rio: Do not whatever me Rio: I didn't, and you don't get to dismiss actual advice and concern because you're in a strop Grace: ugh Grace: in a strop? Really Rio: Yes, really Grace: You literally have no idea how I feel Rio: then tell me Grace: I'd honestly rather die than have you report back to mum and dad anything I've ever said Rio: for god's sake Rio: that isn't what it's about Grace: Oh okay, you just happen to be in my inbox Grace: it's so not cos I won't tell them anything Rio: If you don't feel good, it needs to be sorted Rio: that isn't going to happen if you keep doing what you're doing and don't talk to any of us Grace: I can't talk to any of you, you're my problem Rio: if you aren't mature enough to talk about this, then I'll have to tell 'em as much Grace: No, this family is literally my problem Grace: growing up in it as the ugliest one, the stupidest one Rio: why would you even think something like that Grace: Duh, it's what everyone thinks Rio: no it's not Rio: and the ones that say they do are not worth listening to Rio: there's always going to be the ones that say horrible things, but that doesn't mean it's true Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Rio: don't roll your eyes like it doesn't matter Rio: it does Grace: your mum answers don't matter & they don't help me Rio: Grace, you need to help yourself Rio: you have to decide it isn't going to get to you, and then it's a process of actively ignoring that and telling yourself the opposite, surrounding yourself with other people who lift you up too, not drag you down Rio: then, you stand a chance of believing it Rio: lamenting how mean people are and blaming us, will never make you feel better Rio: you deserve to feel better than that, you need to Grace: OMG you chose to do everything you did online & marry our cousin, I didn't choose to look like this Grace: You don't know what it's like & you can't Grace: none of you do so stop judging me for how I deal with it Rio: And you can choose to reckon I deserve it then, that all the rest of us do Rio: but that'll never stop them judging you as well Rio: anything you do, they still will, that's just life I'm afraid Rio: and I'm not judging how you deal with it, I'm telling you I see that you aren't Rio: uncomfortable as that might make you, it's because I want you to, I want you to feel better Grace: Wow, thanks Rio: Deal with it, seriously Rio: this is no way to live your life Grace: Good talk, babes Grace: so motivational Rio: Shut the fuck up with your fake bullshit for once and take it in Rio: I am so sick of this, I'm not doing it again Grace: I have Janis for my tough love so Rio: It's not tough love Rio: consider why someone just trying to be real with you feels like an attack Rio: you can't fake that those defenses are real with me, girl Rio: I've known you longer than you've known yourself Grace: honey, I know why, I know everything I am & everything I'm not Grace: of course I'm the fakest Grace: why would I wanna be real? Rio: You know what they say you are Rio: and you're prepared to live up to that and that alone Rio: no life, like I said Rio: you can do so much better Grace: cos being real worked out so well for Edie, right? Grace: & Janis is really living her best life with that honesty too now Rio: Stop deflecting as if this is about anyone but you Rio: you are no better off Rio: it'll kill you just as fast Grace: I can't separate myself from any of you, that, like I said, is my problem Rio: yet again, because you're obsessed with the validation you'll never get from arseholes who have no stake in seeing you win Rio: they want another show and you are giving it Rio: this family has done nothing but encourage you to be yourself, ever Grace: Do you even remember what 15 feels like? Take a sec, babes Rio: Like I said, you won't get the 'we all make mistakes' off me Rio: you can learn, you have so much opportunity Grace: Opportunity to keep being compared & always come last in that comparison, sure Grace: 👌👌👌 Rio: so be a loser, yeah? Rio: prove them right Rio: because who have you won over here Rio: your bitchy friends that are more trouble than they're worth Grace: they OBVS are right, I'm not pretty or smart Grace: I'm a bitch and not in the way where it's actually goals Grace: so like ??? Rio: None of that is true Rio: but we can't have this conversation if you're at a place where you believe it is Grace: bye then Grace: catch you at the next crisis 👋 Rio: No, Grace Rio: you don't get to feel justified in thinking none of us care just because the help you need goes beyond what we can say and do Rio: I'm getting you professional help, but it won't work unless YOU want it to Rio: and if you don't, if you're happy to settle for this then yes, you are exactly like her Grace: You're not mum, stop acting like it Rio: it's your decision, and one you know full-well she won't think is a bad idea Rio: let alone put a stop to Grace: Duh, she never puts a stop to anything Rio: You'll be able to discuss all of that Rio: you need someone impartial Rio: you're never going to take on what we say, if we're the problem to you Grace: I'm not mental Rio: for goodness sake, who said you were Rio: you're having problems, you work on solving them Grace: OMG my problems aren't that big of a deal Grace: just cos most of this fam are in love with themselves Grace: leave me alone Rio: They are Rio: the way you've said you've felt is horrible Rio: you shouldn't have to live with that every day Rio: you don't have to Grace: the way you're trying to freak me out is worse Grace: I don't wanna talk to some random therapist wtf Rio: I'm not, there's nothing to be scared of remotely Rio: do you wanna feel better? Grace: I'm not telling a stranger everything about me, that's so gross Rio: You don't, you lead the conversation, talk about what you want to Rio: and it's totally confidential, she isn't on her coffee break slagging you off Grace: I don't want to talk about anything Rio: How well has that worked for you so far then, eh Rio: you will Rio: and the offer will still stand then Grace: STOP Rio: No, I won't Rio: how much shit has been allowed to happen in this family through not talking is ridiculous Rio: it's time for that to fucking stop, alright Grace: Please, Rio Rio: I'm not saying it won't be painful but can you tell me living like this doesn't hurt Rio: the mess we're all in Grace: it's like I told Janis, it's too little too late Grace: I can't just like undo everything Rio: It never is Rio: you aren't dead Rio: and being 15 will not last forever, the friends, the feelings, none of it Rio: you'll always have yourself and you should be fucking good with that Grace: I'll want to be if I have to talk about everything that's wrong Rio: it's daunting Rio: but you can do it Rio: if you live like this, you burn out Rio: we've all seen it, as I said, I'm not prepared to do it again so easily Grace: or I'll get pregnant & turn my life around like every other woman in this fam Rio: Give you that, but it's not funny Grace: 😂😂😂/😭😭😭 Grace: 🤷 it'll be Janis now she's so in love anyway Rio: it'll be neither of you, no discussion needed Grace: aw babes, it's okay Grace: we've all had that discussion Rio: I've already told you it's no joke Rio: so have I, so had mum Grace: Duh, me and my friends all went & got the implant together thanks Rio: Good Rio: babies don't fix anything Rio: especially not you Grace: I don't want any of my exes around that long, trust Rio: no more exes Rio: you know better than that Grace: Excuse me Grace: I'm not giving any new boys chances if it's gonna work out like Ash at the fair Rio: Boys are not the issue here either Rio: focus on yourself Grace: obvs Grace: that doesn't mean I wanna be constantly alone with myself Rio: of course not Rio: but you need to be comfortable with yourself when you are Rio: otherwise you'll be willing to surround yourself with anyone just so you aren't Grace: I thought we'd established that I am Grace: cue Janis' slut intervention Rio: You joke but tell me otherwise Grace: I'm sorry, who actually wants to be alone?? Grace: literally nobody ever so there's no need to target me Rio: Anyone who respects themselves would rather than be treated poorly Rio: that's the issue Rio: not that you want company, the company you're willing to accept and not know that you deserve better Grace: it's not my fault that decent teenage boys barely exist Rio: then wait Rio: you have options Grace: EW & do what 🙏🙏🙏? Rio: 🙄 Rio: If you're gonna be silly I've got to go now Grace: If you don't see that as ridiculous then yeah do go, hun Grace: I really would look & sound mental Rio: The only thing that's ridiculous is you would rather be treated like shit than to know and own your worth Rio: and you can blame the lads 'til you're blue in the face but it'll never change what happened and you will regret it, big time Rio: I would know Rio: and plenty of people don't have boyfriends at your age, at any age, respect that a fuck ton more than girls who are not ready rushing into bad situations because they feel left out somehow Grace: OMG like it's not bad enough that every boy at school wants to get with Janis over me, you want me to be like UM NO THANKS to any I can get Grace: nobody would respect that AT ALL they'd just think there's even more wrong with me Rio: exactly, in the grand scheme of things, they are nobody Rio: letting them dictate your behaviour will just leave you miserable because that's what they want Grace: if I leave school rn, sure Grace: but that isn't what you're saying I should do Grace: so that means years around these people Rio: I repeat, are you happy now Rio: is it working for you Grace: & I repeat, I can't change the way I look Grace: that's also years away Rio: that's the answer to nothing Rio: nothing I said and just nothing in general Grace: of course you'd think that Rio: It isn't Rio: you can change yourself beyond recognition but you'll never be satisfied with the results Grace: You've always been beautiful, you don't get to speak on it Rio: you're beautiful, Grace Grace: Don't even Grace: you literally sound like mum & dad now Rio: it's true Grace: it's embarrassing Grace: you call out all these lads for how they allegedly treat me, at least they don't lie about things like that Rio: it isn't a lie Rio: people use your insecurities against you for their gain Rio: those people don't love you like your family do, you choose to believe them, you're choosing to hate yourself Grace: Duh, I do that too Grace: like I said, babes, there's no beautiful personality either Rio: I'm fully aware, Grace, and I'm not the only one Rio: it's not just about looks, every bad thing you think about yourself, it's as clear as day for every predator that wants to take advantage Grace: okay great Grace: that makes me feel so much better Rio: yes, you need to make yourself feel better Rio: this conversation isn't here to make you feel better, no one is here to make you feel better Rio: nothing worth having is handed to you, you have to start working for it Grace: 👏THIS 👏 is 👏 who 👏I 👏 am Grace: so sorry if you don't like me Grace: I'm sure there'll be takers on the fam whatsapp to discuss that tho Rio: No, it isn't Rio: you're 15, you aren't the same person minute to minute Rio: and more importantly, these are unresolved mental health issues Grace: it makes no sense to label me if that's what you think Grace: so what's the thing here, am I just 15 or am I just mental? Rio: The thing is, Grace Rio: these issues didn't appear overnight, and they aren't going away any quicker Rio: you're talking of a lifetime of feeling ugly and stupid Rio: if you start addressing that, at 15, you stand a chance of seeing 30 Grace: I know, I've literally lived it thank you Rio: and if that's such a problem, stop Grace: stop stressing me out more!!! Rio: I'm sorry but you need it, you think you can go undetected doing the things you do and hope Janis or one of the others will always be doing something worse Rio: no, no one gets left behind Grace: they don't get left cos they leave Rio: they've not left Grace: Oh please Grace: reaching out now cos mum & dad made you doesn't mean you're here Grace: you literally said yourself that you can't be Rio: Good god, I'm nearly 23 Rio: did you expect me to stay in that house forever Rio: that isn't what happens, that doesn't mean we aren't family, that kind of feeling is what fucked it up in the first place Grace: &? nobody's ever at home but me & Gus or Diego somewhere Grace: I don't wanna stay here Grace: but I leave & suddenly it's the biggest drama ever Rio: Yes, because fact of that matter is you're 15 and that's where you need to be Rio: until you have somewhere of your own, somewhere better to be Rio: and you don't, now that's really sad, I'm sure but neither does anyone else your age Grace: Billie did, Janis does Rio: Billie should never have been allowed to go, and Janis isn't, either Rio: don't assume for a second she isn't getting the same talks Rio: and I'm doing all I can to talk to Billie but she's technically an adult now, she's got a baby, it's harder, much harder Grace: Can't I just come & live with you? You know I'm a really good babysitter Rio: I know you are Rio: but you need more attention, less responsibility Rio: it wouldn't be right Grace: Please, I promise I won't invite boys over EVER Rio: You know it'll be worse, right? Rio: we actually have rules at my house, routine Grace: I'm not Indie, I have a schedule Rio: I'm saying, even if I agreed to a short break for you, it wouldn't be Rio: you know full well you've got way more chance of mum and dad leaving you be Grace: maybe I don't want that Rio: if you're serious about this Rio: and I mean all of it Rio: not just the part where you get a break Rio: then I can talk to Buster Grace: Rio, I can't see a shrink rn, okay? Grace: talking about any of this is like Rio: I know Rio: okay, but we can start making the positive changes we can make, yes Rio: like I said, you're not stupid, you know what's good for you and what definitely isn't, more of the former, less of the latter, okay? Grace: I don't even really remember what I said to Janis or mum and dad when I was drunk and that still makes me wanna die Grace: Idk what to do but it isn't more of that Rio: We've all done that Rio: you will survive it Rio: couldn't have really said anything worse than you're in love with your cousin, can you, so I wouldn't worry Grace: I think I told Janis I love her & that's WAYYYY worse Rio: Loving your sister? Imagine that, I'd better find out an LBD for the wake Grace: I really REALLY miss you Grace: nobody else EVER wants to talk to me Rio: I miss you too Rio: we've all got to try to be better, alright Rio: it's by no means just you but you ain't exempt from my mumming, not sorry Grace: Yeah Grace: I think she's better, she never would have come to get me before that boy moved here Rio: I thought the same Rio: if Edie showed me anything, but she showed me a lot, it was that it is really, really hard to stop loving your family, Grace, even when you want to Grace: I know Grace: I miss everyone, even her Rio: I know, darling Rio: it's taking time, more time than we could've ever anticipated before but if we can all get to a place where we're all trying Rio: it's a start Grace: I don't ever wanna be older than her, it's too weird Rio: It is, but you will want it when you're there Rio: no one should be 16 forever Grace: I can't stop thinking about what Janis did either Rio: me either Rio: what do you really think of her boyfriend then Grace: he's really hot, everyone's lost themselves over him Grace: & them as a couple but ew Rio: thanks for updating me on the school ground goss, even though you clearly think I'm a grandma, you cheeky cow Rio: but I more meant do you think he enables her bad behaviour like Kai did Edie or Rio: though I have a hard time believing Janis could ever be as easily led, seen strangers things Grace: well babes if you wanna talk about my REAL trauma I've seen more of their PDA than I'll ever be comfortable with so Grace: & she smokes now which is GROSS Grace: but tbh he's not like that Rio: Hmm Rio: neither of those are exactly encouraging but not damning either Rio: say the jury is out on him for now but I'll be keeping an eye Grace: it's a good thing if someone she loves wants around though, yeah? Grace: maybe she won't run again Grace: *her Rio: yes and no Rio: short-term, sure Rio: but I don't need to tell you how much you wanna hide forever when it ends, do I Grace: idk I'm just saying I saw them at the fair & she was like ?? happy Grace: she said it was a sugar rush but I'm not stupid Grace: & he's got it SO BAD for her OMG Rio: That's cute Rio: and don't get me wrong, I want her to be happy, all of you Rio: I just know it doesn't immediately fix everything if she ain't also trying but maybe she is Rio: like you said, she did come to get you Grace: Yeah Grace: I didn't think she really would Rio: Any of us would Rio: you really can't just turn that stuff off Grace: she can, she has Rio: nah Grace: he's obvs turned her back on & I don't just mean cos he's the hottest white boy our school's had for ages, tho also obvs Rio: 😂 Rio: I won't ask for pics, feels a bit creepy Grace: [sends one anyway] Grace: not really your type, babes Rio: Oh, he is very cute Rio: and ha ha, if you think you can come up with any original joke for me, you can have at it but really decreases the chances of me making up the sofa for you any time soon Grace: no shade he's not my type either Rio: no? Grace: I would obvs hook up with him but I couldn't date him Grace: no way of that working he's too nice & too poor Rio: Grace Grace: ?? Rio: Not funny Grace: he is! I'm not even joking Grace: I'm too high maintenance for a boy like that Rio: You earn your own money then Rio: can't have things like money coming into it Grace: Duh, I will Rio: Good Grace: No boy's sticking around long enough to pay my bills, honey Grace: even if Janis thinks I'm selling myself now Rio: Not all it's cracked up to be Grace: I'll settle for a lot less, thanks to her, we all know Rio: Whatever she said, and I'm sure it was a lot Rio: you have to see her intentions were good Grace: her intentions were dramatic Grace: she can't ever stop being a bitch to me Grace: unless I'm blackout apparently Rio: that shows she had reason to be, no? Rio: not showing concern unless she has to Grace: I'm not saying it wasn't sketchy there Grace: that's why I asked her to come & not mum & dad Rio: how sketchy? Grace: like I was glad when I left Grace: & mum would've killed me Grace: or him Rio: Yeah Rio: I get you Rio: I'm just glad you're okay, but no more going off with people alone without telling someone, even if it's just your friends Rio: I know you think you know people, especially when you've hooked up with them and whatnot, but it's no real indicator Grace: yeah when a lad isn't really drinking but you are that's not a mood so obvs he's deleted 🙌🙌 Grace: I don't need the receipts Grace: be as much of a mess as me thank you Rio: 👍 Rio: what I like to hear Grace: I kept waiting for her to shout at me but she like didn't Rio: maybe she wants things to be different too Grace: There's no way though Grace: Mia is beyond extra about her dating the new boy Grace: she just won't let it go Rio: She liked him too? Grace: we all thought he was hot but idk it's like not about him, she can't deal that Janis finally said yes to someone Grace: has something Rio: It's best to not take sides Rio: but at the end of the day, they're different relationships, Mia will never be your sister Rio: and even if she does have issue with Janis, she shouldn't take that out on you, as a mate Grace: UM I wish you'd told me not to take sides before I threw her out of the house & made her hate me, babes Grace: 😱😱😱 Rio: why'd it come to that, like Grace: they were there too so she was just being THE WORST and would not stop Grace: like I don't wanna see them making out either but Rio: Sounds to me like she just needs to calm down Rio: what business is it of hers what Janis gets up to, really Grace: You literally have to let me stay with you 🙏 I'm so over it Rio: I'm asking, I promise Rio: I'll let you know asap Grace: 💜💜 ILYSM 💜💜 Grace: I get why Nancy moved schools now it's gonna be so annoying Rio: I love you too Rio: well she was really bullied but yeah Rio: fallings out always make it awkward Grace: it's not just Mia, everyone's like OBSESSED Grace: cos Janis finally lost her virginity & we still don't know literally anything about the new boy Grace: there's so many weird rumours Rio: your problem and your answer Rio: people always find new things to talk about soon enough Grace: 🤞🤞🙄🙄 Rio: I'm sure Janis isn't appreciating it very much either Grace: at least nobody's calling her a lesbian anymore Grace: she didn't appreciate that AT ALL Rio: being talked about is shit Rio: that's something we can all relate to Grace: 🤷 I tried to tell her there's way worse things to be called Grace: maybe when she has an ex she'll agree Rio: lies are always the worst, no matter if they're inherently insulting or not Rio: no one should get to dictate who you are Rio: let alone people who have no idea Grace: Yeah, I guess Grace: the truth hurts a lot too tho Grace: sometimes Rio: sometimes Rio: but you can always learn and grow from it Grace: idk hearing that someone thinks about you the way you do should be like this 🙌 yay 🙌 moment but it just never is Grace: it's just like 💔 Rio: when you don't like the truth, as you're seeing it now, it's always gonna hurt to hear it, even if it validates your worldview Rio: truth can be changed, is my point, lies stay lies Grace: okay yeah that makes sense Rio: oh, the kids just woken up from his nap Grace: laters then Rio: yes, I'll get back to you as soon as he replies Rio: 💛 Grace: he's so gonna leave you on read hun Rio: well that's charming Grace: you're literally the only one of us he likes Grace: if he can see my name before he opens it, there's no way Rio: very awkward if he can only muster like at this stage Rio: and give me some credit, not an amateur Grace: EW don't Rio: don't be silly, I'm married to and have kids with him Rio: you're coming over to OUR house, if you are Grace: exactly you're like so OLD! Rio: oh shut up Grace: it's like thinking about mum and dad Grace: so gross Rio: lead with all of this, shall I Rio: not selling yourself here Grace: if you wanna go in with screenshots, maybe pick the ones where I say ILY or something Grace: or send him a selfie of me crying Rio: how soft do you think he is 😏 Grace: duh Grace: boys are easy Rio: hmm Grace: go away 💜 Grace: I have a mum, it's time to be someone else's Rio: 👋 Grace: 💋

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rubydiamondintherough · 3 years

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Guilt. I've always felt guilty being sick. I know it comes from childhood. After my grandmother passed away it became difficult for my mom to come get me from school if I got sick. I remember when my panic attacks started, along with my asthma attacks, and being brought to the hospital. My mom seeming uncomfortable. Me thinking it was because I was sick and she was upset with me. Unknowingly that we are in the exact same hospital room my grandma passed away in. I adapted. From that point I would hide when I wasn't feeling good. Try to throw up quietly, hold in the screams, go to school then sneak home because I didn't want my mom to leave work to take me to the doctor. And because of this I'd be in bad shape and it would eventually get to the point where I needed medical attention and almost every time ended in an hospital admission. Now that guilty feeling is returning. Not with my mom. I know understand the stress you feel when your child is sick. How helpless you feel because you can't take away their pain. Stress about losing time at work and not making the bills, and the most drastic losing them. So now my guilt is from being a mother. Being mad at myself for not going in earlier, ignoring symptoms, hiding when I'm in pain... and now I can't anymore. Some days I don't look good. Pale. Swollen. Little to no energy at all. A 30 minute nap can turn into 5 hours unintentionally because I'm just exhausted. I feel guilty because I miss them. I feel guilty because my son sees my pain. He cries. I know I shouldn't. I'm fighting. But exhaustion and weakness is getting worse. I can't hide it anymore. I won't. I shouldn't be ashamed. Patience has never been my strong suit. God's slowing me down idk why, but I have to trust it. I spoke I would focus on letting go of the guilt. And I truly believe this a test on my progress. Anyone who knows me knows I don't like to lose...

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eroaneki · 5 years

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I haven't talked to Joe all day today but I'm honestly not bothered by it. I'm just still bummed out that 5 years came and went and I still came second to a 25% off sale on weed. That's at least how I view it. I did actually enjoy the trip though. My point was basically I'd like flowers for occasions such as that. I was more pissed that he bought a ticket for a show with his best friend and his gf and invited me after the fact.

Joe claims it was short notice and had no clue the gf was coming until after he bought the ticket, and didn't think to invite me because I don't particularly enjoy As I Lay Dying's music. He claimed he thought it was only gonna be him and CJ, which I have no issues with. He can do his own thing with his best friend; I was under the impression he knew it was him and her going and still chose not to invite me until after the fact. That was most of my anger.

But he took the flowers thing personally because he has a complex where he doesn't think he can make me happy, which I'm starting to see is him thinking I'm asking too much of him, more than he can handle. Which I'm not; I haven't asked him for anything other than normal couple stuff. And lately I've been ignoring myself for his sake, and I can't do it anymore. I have no desire to even be with him nor sleep with him because of this. He tells me he needs 2 more years to get his finances together so we can move out, but the thought of buying something and being in debt makes him sick. I tell him that's part of life, and he has a panic attack over it.

What if I wait the 2 years and then he tells me he needs 2 more years? I can't do that. I can do 1 year? Which I can see feasible if he stops spending so much money on weed all of the time, and learns how to fucking grocery shop properly and cook. At one point he told me he needed 5 more years, and I said absolutely not, I'm not starting my life at 33 years old. I don't think we are on the same page when it comes to our long term plan. He likes to throw at me that we don't even have a bank account yet so how can we even be talking about moving in; I can easily throw money I have saved into a joint account with him at any time. That's what I tell him. But if he absolutely needs a joint account with me and help manage finances and see if I'll spend money frivolously (like he fucking does), then fine, but he has to tell me that.

We had such a large discussion coming up on the horizon and it deals with growing pains and boundaries and I'm exhausted just thinking about it but it needs to be done. It needs to be done because I personally will always be miserable unless I state my peace, as I damned well should. I should come first. And I eventually should come before his family, if and when we get married, because then it'll be our family. That's at least how I believe it should be. And I do not think I'm wrong for feeling that way. But I have a funny feeling he'll disagree with me, which if he does, so be it. I cannot compromise on my fundamentals, come what may.

#personal #long post

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years

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Bea & Ro

Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.

Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞

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