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loveemagicpeace · 4 months

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🏹1st house & You 🌌

💕1st house describes you as a person, your appearance. The Ascendant and the 1st house-This area of the chart denotes your body as the vehicle for your life force and vitality, and so suggests your sense of yourself as a physically separate individual. Being the symbol of the birth moment, it also describes your arrival into the world and the pattern of responses this sets up. Your Ascendant (or rising) sign is a powerful indicator of how you feel about yourself.💕

⚡️1st house Sun -the person usually looks proud, illuminated and casirmatic. The charisma of these persons is very noticeable. Many times their hair is noticed because it is like a lion's mane or it melts. They put a lot into their hair and take care of it. I notice that these people often dress in one color or wear various inscriptions, paintings related to childhood (many times you see cartoon T-shirts) or some kind of logos. Many times they like to dress in brands. Many times they come forward very confident, but in reality many times they are not at all. Many times the sun covers up their insecurity or weakness. You know how to enlighten others around you and people with this position are often popular among people. People love you quickly. You almost never experience something very terrible (unless there are aspects and other houses that are darker).

🌙1st house Moon- persons tend to appear more kind, caring and friendly. But they can also come forward capriciously (depending on their mood). Emotions are carried on their face and it is difficult to reveal them. Individuals with the Moon in the 1st House wear their hearts on their sleeves and follow their hearts. They have good intuition and are quick to feel things emotionally. Many times the moon creates a cancer look or makes a person's head rounder. People can have gentle soft appearance, a smiling face, and a yearning for comfort, pleasure, and luxury.

🍀1st house Mercury-people look thinner and taller. Usually, when you talk to them, they come across as very smart and intelligent. Many times there are people who have the energy to talk a lot. Above all, their mind and thinking is in the foreground. Many people can ask them for advice. Mercury also gives many thoughts, which you say out loud. You can practically speak your mind. These people also start talking quickly and are the initiators of topics. Maybe sometimes they say things out loud without meaning to. Many times they have multiple personalities and are never really committed to just one thing. They can quickly change their mind if they are not sure about it. What I also noticed is that in reality they talk a lot because they want to get rid of the unpleasant feeling of silence. They do not like the death of silence and many times they prefer noise.

🧚🏼‍♀️1st house Venus-venus usually gives feminine beauty and many people can find you beautiful. You can often get compliments. Your energy is relaxing and often these people are natural (they like natural beauty). This placement gives you a warm, friendly aura and an elegant air that people find irresistible. These individuals tend to be well liked and exude an aura of warmth, friendliness. These individuals tend to be extremely tolerant, accommodating and often compromise their own inner needs and wishes for the sake of maintaining peace and avoiding conflict. You tend to attract others to you quite readily, and rarely come on too strong or aggressively. Venus in the 1st, you might come across as charming, keen to get on with everyone and oil the wheels. There are people who will make you feel that you can be beautiful no matter what u wear. Although they are either very natural without make-up and especially if they have virgo rising. Or they may be obsessed with doing beauty touch-ups and make-up.

🦋1st house Mars- Mars here can come out all guns blazing, a pattern that may reflect emergencies in the birth experience or the early presence of a rival. There may be a lot of masculine energy here. These people know how to do men's jobs and can come forward quite dominantly and decisively. Their energy is usually more intense, strong and strict. You can have a more athletic body or you can have lots of muscles. Facial features tend to be more severe, strong and dark. Many times they emit more dangerous energy (people can be afraid of them). They are people who react quickly and fight for the things/people they love. Very passionate people. They are fearless and dare a lot. They will always be up for crazy things. What I noticed about these people is that thay often attract some situation that are more aggressive or people that following them or something like that(not always).

🐚1st house Saturn- people tend to look older than they really are. Many times they give off the energy of a parent or a more authoritative energy. They are responsible and serious people who do not like someone who is too childish. Otherwise, these people are non-judgmental, you will rarely ever see them judge someone. They may have weight problems and may fluctuate a lot. Their face is similar to saturn, when you look at their face you can see the shape of saturn. They have reinforced bones, especially if they are thin, their body shape is very noticeable. They usually have tattoos. There is one thing about Saturn people that they don't actually look like some kind of business oriented people, but they actually look opposite of that. Many times darker with my style or even emo style I notice many times. Although mostly more chipped/torn style. They love things that are dark or scary sometimes.

🫧1st house Neptune-this people have a magical outlook and energy. When you're in their presence, you feel like they're not real at all or like they're from a movie. They also have the appearance of a mermaid. They have shiny and pearly eyes. When you look into their eyes, it looks like you will get lost in them. They have hypnotic eyes. Their appearance is usually dreamy and many people cannot define exactly how they see their beauty. They have a very energetically magical approach (many times they leave special energy on others). But they can also draw a lot of other people's energy. People often ask them for help or advice. People can often be shy in front of them because they have celebrities energy. Many times they live in their dream world. Neptune's influence endows the individual with a profound understanding of their innermost personality. Eyes are often grey or blue of a rather cold shade.

🧃1st house Uranus-your energy is above all unique and special. People find you unique and different. You have your own energy. You dare to be different and you like to stand out with your appearance, clothes and opinion. Many times your opinion or view may differ from others. Your style can often be very interesting and you know how to style pieces of clothing that others would never do very well. Things look special on you. With Uranus in the 1st house can be described as having unusual and unconventional qualities that person have. You may have a particular body shape or there may be a part of you that is very different from others and people find that interesting about you. This makes you stand out from the crowd.

💘1st house Jupiter-happiness is with you everywhere. There are many happy coincidences. You have a confident and optimistic energy. People can often see you as someone who always finds a way. You can be a very good teacher to others and have a lot of wisdom about things. Regardless of everything, you always find faith and trust in the things you love to do and trust that things will turn out well. You are a spontaneous person who sees life as full of opportunities. You never stop living and many times you live for the moment. Also gives you a charming and attractive appearance, which will draw people towards you. Your charming personality makes you stand out in a crowd and people admire you for the same. You love learning new things and gathering new experiences by traveling around the world. Your personality may be infused with humor, joy, and generosity. You like to experience things even if you never heard of them before. This is like a challenge to you.

🌌1st house Pluto- Your personality is many times an enigma. Because you always decide how much of yourself you want to share and show to others. Sometimes you can trust the wrong people too quickly, and sometimes it takes a long time to trust new ones. A powerful and transformative placement that can significantly influence a person's life and personality. Although pluto is prominent and the first house is the most expressive house, I would say that sometimes it can be difficult to express how you really feel or to share it with others. It is important that when you meet people / when you are dealing with a certain situation, you always listen to your feelings. It is good to carry a smoky quartz crystal with you. With Pluto you can find strength and courage and show people your strong energy. You can also feel people's souls. The first house is your appearance, it's good to change your appearance evey now or then because that's how you leave the past behind. Also pay attention to the signs around you cuz sometimes people trying to tell you something or the signs itself try to tell you something and you ignored it. Cuz pluto people have the tendency to ignore all of the signs because they don't trust them but it's actually the signs that are good for them (especially if this sign is repeated several times). And many times these people change their appearance when they want to escape from someone or change their life.

🎸For personal readings u can sign up here: https://snipfeed.co/bekylibra 🎸

-Rebekah🫧♥️🌙

#astrology #energy #zodiac signs #planets #my notes #astrological houses #astrology observations #1st house #ascendant

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thesilmarillionblog · 17 days

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𓏲 𓂃 L o s i n g Y o u

Part: 4

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: Everything was good as a member of Payback and Soldier Boy's secret girlfriend until the team and your relationship with him began to fall apart due to a new member and her developing relationship with Ben right in front of your eyes.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: Heavy angst, hurt, smut, cruel Soldier Boy, mention of drugs, reader gets hurt in both ways, violence, Soldier Boy gets hurt, Crimson Countess is a bitch

Word Count: 3584

A/N: English is not my first language.

* This story is inspired by the song "Losing You" by Dream Evil.

It had been a week since Ben fired you from Payback, and you did nothing but spending your whole time in your home since that day.You made up your mind not to go back, even though the authorities tried to talk you out of it. Your idea wasn’t important actually, everything was all about Ben and his stupid ego. You wished you punched his arrogant face that day.

He was your ally, friend and lover, but he had make you his enemy in the end for nothing.

It was hard to swallow what happened between you, but it wasn't as though you lacked pride. It would be best, after all that, to just walk away. You didn't need to ask Ben for anything anymore. After he made his decision, your anger subsided. But you were powerless to avoid the agony in your heart. There was nothing you could do if he was really in love with Crimson.

Being a good person is not enough to love or be loved after all.

You could feel Ben's presence and hear his noises about your house on a Friday night. You wondered what he would say to further hurt your heart or what else he would discuss. Your heart was cursed for continuing to race while he was around. But you knew that all you really needed was a little time to let go of the emotions that were burning in your chest. As they say, what's out of sight is out of mind.

You let out a long sigh as he entered the home silently and opened the door with ease. You hadn't seen his face without that dumb mask in a very long time. You hated how well it fit his haughty persona.

“Ben, what are you doing here?” you said, seeing him inspect the house as though it was his first time.

He said in an arrogant tone, “I came here to talk,” as he moved closer to you and closed the door.

While sitting on the couch behind, you sighed and said, “I don't think there is anything left to talk it out.”

“You know, it's not like I want you to come back. Don't believe otherwise,” he murmured as he sat next to you as if nothing had ever happened between you. “However, those cocksuckers don't let you leave so easily. I have to bring you back to the team because of them.”

It was stupid of you that, for even a split second, you believed he would apologize, make amends, and put things right. Ben was right; you didn't know anything about him at all. It took you a while to find the right words to respond.

With a disappointed expression on your face, you turned to face him and muttered, “I can't believe you. How do you keep yourself so insensitive?”

He got annoyed by your tone and said, “I am what I am,” in an icy voice. “Perhaps your brain is traumatized from creating so many romantic scenarios about me.”

How weak you were when it came to him made your eyes tear, both with rage and anguish. You were unaware of how your heart could possibly desire him in spite of his cruel nature.

“I just feel sorry for you, Ben,” you said with all sincerity. It was true. “You think you have power over everything, but you’re actually controlled by everyone around you. Get out of here now. I’m not going back and I never ever will.”

You made a move to stand, but his rough hands stopped you, saying, “They won’t simply let you go. You have no chance.”

“No one can force me to do anything. I can do whatever I want, unlike you,” you said firmly. “And everyone will leave you alone if you continue to behave like this, like a jackass. Crimson will be the first to betray you; keep that in mind. Noir will leave the team too; you’ll see it.”

You couldn't help but bring up the Crimson issue, even though it wasn't your primary intention to bring it up. You weren't God's greatest soldier when it came to love.

“Is he the cause of your current behavior?” He stared at you hatefully and questioned you, raising his voice. “Did you get fucked by him?”

You shouted at him, “Of course not!” as you avoided his hard touch on your arm. “How on earth are you able to say such a thing to me while you are one who ruined everything? I can't fucking believe you.”

“I want you to get out of here,” you added, cutting him off from further conversation. Ben, I'm not turning back. This is where we end it. The discussion is over.”

He was looking at your lips as though he wasn’t listening to you at all. Before you reacted, his warm lips were on yours. Your hands immediately pulled him closer. You wished you were stronger than this, but it didn’t feel wrong. You missed him way too much to be able to resist his kisses and touch. Maybe he felt the same about you.

Remembering your first time on that same couch with him months ago, you felt like it had been years since he’d touched you. His tongue dominated your mouth when he pushed you to the couch and got on top of you with a quick move. It seemed that your transparent pride was high on cocaine, but your body needed him more than anything.

His mouth met yours for a long, passionate kiss before his hand found its way into your sweatpants and then your underwear. As his hand touched your wetness, you let out a gasp of excitement. He was staring at you in an unidentified way, and you blinked. He took a moment to measure your response and see whether you desired it as well, but as soon as he realized everything was okay, he continued kissing you and put his meaty finger inside. You nailed his

back, feeling his thick finger inside yours. You knew that once he got his hands on you, you would quickly reach climax. You locked your legs around his hips as he continued to fuck you with his fingers.

With a sly smile, Ben asked, “Do you miss me?” and inserted another finger inside of you. You urged him to go harder as your legs began to shake. “Want me to give you a hard and quick fuck? Would you rather it was my cock inside of you?”

As you got closer to your climax, your lips parted, and he added a third finger, making you moan loudly. Without letting you talk, he started kissing you again and silenced your moans. You missed him so much that your eyes got teary from both pleasure and longing. You told him you’d never say that you loved him ever again, but you wanted to say it so much at that moment. You didn’t know how to make him believe you about your feelings.

You moaned in his mouth when your walls clanched around his meaty fingers. It’s been long since you’ve masturbated, so you couldn’t stop yourself from coming that easy. Your face was blushing because of the intensity of the moment.

He continued to finger you until you became very sensitive, at which point he pulled his fingers out of your wet pussy and placed another strong kiss on your lips. Based on the way his hardness felt on your stomach, you assumed he was going to take you there. You could even start over. When he didn't move, you waited anxiously and looked bewildered.

“It seems that I still have power over you, though, baby,” he remarked, smirking as he licked his fingers covered with your slick as your face flushed with both anger and shame.

Outrage rising in your heart, you pushed him back by his chest from on top of you. He'd done a lot to you already, but now he was doing this too. It was the final time he let you down. Even though what you said was a complete lie, you felt as though you meant every word as you said, “I hate you.”

“Yeah, that's more realistic of you,” he said in a harsh voice, adjusting his supe as he stood up. “You'll return to the team in a week; otherwise, I don't know what they'll do to you. I'll give you a little more time.”

You gave him an angry glare and said, “Get the fuck out of my house,” but he had already left.

You started crying like a crazy person while sitting on the floor, so you grabbed the closest chair and threw it against the door. You wished he had died that night with Crimson because you loathed him so much. Up until that night, you had hopes for him and yourself, but it was now clear that Ben had never loved you back and never would. All he liked was how you responded to him and your loyalty to him. Never in your life have you felt so humiliated.

Even though you were undoubtedly the strongest supe woman on the planet, you were vulnerable and in need of Ben's tiny attention. You cried more, realizing that you had become a pathetic creature. You never ought to have signed up for Payback.

When Ben heard you crying, he considered talking to you again, perhaps to soothe you. In reality, he only intended to persuade you to return to Payback; he wasn't aiming to upset you or finger you when he visited your home. However, he did cause you distress and sorrow. He listened to you cry a little longer, but at that point lacked the courage to confront you. After all, you were simply too furious to have another discussion. He was aware that you would always be alright, though.

You arranged to meet with an older director from Compound V Company in his house two days later in an attempt to stop drawing attention to yourself. Although you made an effort to stay out, they made every effort to get you to rejoin the team. You decided not to say anything about Ben when asked if it has anything to do with his attitude or anything else so as not further aggravate a situation that is already complicated.

While sipping his tea, the elderly guy remarked, "The company can raise your wage as much as you want." Behind him was a stupid painting of Payback.

“I’m already rich,” you answered with a smile.

You are, of course. With a fake smile, he said, “Thanks to us,” getting up and positioning himself in front of the window with his hands in his pockets. “You know, we discussed what happened on the battlefield with Soldier Boy. We made it extremely clear that the way he handled you in front of everyone who was there was completely inappropriate. His actions are not acceptable to the company. He'll be happy to have you back on the squad and wants to make amends with you. Presumably, he has already spoken with you.”

“He did, but I’m not going to change my mind,” you said, trying to sound nice and clear. “It’s not about him. It’s just that I’m very tired of everything: the media, movies, ads, etc. I’m not sure if that’s the life I imagined for myself.”

Even though you weren’t sure if you were telling the truth or not, the truth is, you joined Payback for Ben. If there were no him with you, it didn’t mean anything to you.

“Well, I offered everything I could, and it doesn’t seem like I can convince you then.” He gave up and raised his eyebrows with a fed-up look. “We've known each other for a long time, but I guess it’s time to say goodbye, huh?”

You said, “I'm sorry,” having absolutely no idea how to proceed.

You were relieved that leaving the company wouldn't be as difficult as Ben mentioned. He was vile in his attempt to frighten you or anything. Additionally, you didn't have to worry about money because you had earned enough to live comfortably for a long time. You were at last free.

You ran into Ben on the road after you left the house. He will most likely be given information about your situation. He moved to put his hand on your arm to stop you, but you managed to ignore him and continue walking by.

You knew that what he had done to you in the last few months wouldn’t be forgotten, as he gave your heart a big and deep scar, but at least you wouldn’t let him cut you even deeper.

You sold your house and moved to a place only Earving knew in order to ensure that Ben would never find you again. After all, he was the only trustworthy person you knew, and you had faith that he would keep his word. Perhaps all you really wanted was to be found, but that wasn't very significant anymore.

You tried to enjoy your fortune while you were finally free by going to the movies and spending time by yourself. To those who recognized you, you still gave them your signature, but you took great care to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Even yet, you felt sick seeing Ben and Crimson's posters all over the

city. Seeing Ben enjoy himself with Crimson while you were suffering because of him was just so unfair. He didn’t even try to find you when you left so many traces.

One day, when you were about to go into your house, you saw another car that was parked nearby your garage. Seeing the shiny red color of the car, your eyes narrowed. Realizing that someone was in your house, you went by the threshold and took a deep breath, sensing Crimson’s presence.

“Have your parents not taught you to never enter a house without permission?” You asked in an irritated tone.

She paused, pulling off a flower from your vase, and laughed as she took in the scent.

“It appears that you have become a gardener, Y/N. How far you have fallen,” she said in such a haughty voice that you felt like laughing at her ignorance.

“I don’t know how often your little brain gets railed by idiocy, but if you ever touch my flowers again, you will go back to where you came from without your big red head,” you said with a serious face. “Now tell me, why are you here?”

Her face fell with your your statement and she frowned her eyebrows.

“Something terrible happened.” She stated, “I thought you would want to hear it,” wearing a worried expression.

“What happened?” You muttered. The thing that brought her to your house worried you.

Earving was the first thing that came to mind. He informed you that Ben was bullying him severely and persistently and that it had gotten worse just a few days before. That's why you were afraid Ben had finally hurt him. As you waited to hear the worst, your heart paced with fear.

“It’s about Soldier Boy,” she said. She was looking at your expression very carefully.

“What about him?”

You wanted to sound cold and distant, but in fact, you were worried. You knew that he was the strongest, but he wasn’t the smartest considering his trust for that woman.

“As you may know, he hasn't been seen recently on screens or anywhere else. Because he is a little out of control, he is no longer wanted as the leader of Payback.” She stated, trying to read your face, “They are planning to find a way to kill him and tell people that he sacrificed himself for this country, etc.”

It was impossible to get underneath Ben's skin. There was no way they would have managed hurt him, not even with thousands of people or supes.

“What are you saying?” You whispered, unsure of what she was even talking about.

“They simply tricked him by sending him on some sort of mission. I'm not sure what kind of gas it is, but they are exposing him to a kind of gas which is making him to stay unconscious day and night, and he's going to be shipped to Russia tomorrow in the morning. He will never wake up, so I need someone to help him.”

The way she described him made your heart race. In an attempt to picture him as helpless, you took a deep breath to calm yourself. But knowing Crimson wasn't a reliable person, “Where were you when he needed you? Also, why don't you help him?” you asked aggressively with an obvious tone of suspicion.

“He is well guarded. Even some other supes are waiting outside of his box,” she licked her lips and murmured. She was so calm that it disgusted you. “And I'm not as strong as you are, as you know.”

She obviously lacked the guts to get her hands a little filthy. She didn't care about him enough, as you know, to take a small risk.

“Where is that location? Just give me the address,” you said in an aggressive yet unhesitating voice.

You were annoyed when she handed you a small piece of paper and sighed in relief as she said, “It's not far from here.” But at that point, you didn't give a damn about her. After all, if she hadn't told you, you'd never know what had happened to Ben.

You wouldn't allow them to treat Ben that way in spite of everything he has done to you. How could you go on living while he was unconscious and under the care of strangers in another nation? Though you were certain that they would never be able to murder him, the thought of him being tortured was much more unsettling. Without saying anything more to Countess, you left your house and drove directly to the address stated in the paper. If they discovered that you were the one who saved Soldier Boy, it would make no difference. You would think about such things later.

You cautiously examined the modest building, guarded by just two guys in uniform, after you had parked the car. You thought that would be easy. You were not interested in paying attention, even though they were very easy for you to handle. You decided to make some noise, so you picked up a big rock and tossed it out the window. Moving quickly to the back of the building, they exchanged glances and tightly grasped the weapons they were carrying.

When it comes to idiocy, men never let you down.

You hurried inside the building and effortlessly unlocked the large door. The dimly lit interior of the strangely dark building made you anxiously listen to every breath and voice around you. Feeling perplexed and irritated, you began looking in every room for Ben.

“Hey, you!” someone shouted at you. “What the hell are you doing here? Any entrance to this area is restricted by the government; you cannot simply go in.”

Well, you can.

Without saying a thing, you hit his head hard enough to knock him out, but not hard enough to kill him. You murmered an apology.

But then you heard the alarm go off, and you hurried to look for Ben. Inside the building, there was loud chaos, screaming, and gunfire from the people who showed as though they could harm you.

Ben was nowhere to be found when you finally made it into the last room at the end of the hallway. Nothing at all could be found showing his presence. Though you were both supes and could easily smell and hear voices, you were certain Ben wasn't around.

When the door was slammed behind you, you tried to get out, but the strong gas in the room caused you to cough, and you collapsed to the ground, feeling weary and numb. You realized then that you would be the one sent to Russia. Before you passed out, Ben was all that was on your mind. Your eyes filled with tears when you noticed the gas was making you cough in pain. Maybe Ben and Crimson worked together to trick you. But why would he make you suffer like that?

Next Chapter

︵︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

A/N: Here we go… We haven’t finished yet. Comments and reblogs are very appreciated! You can check my Masterlist for other Soldier Boy / Reader fics. There is still so much to come. <3

Taglist: @mostlymarvelgirl @xmariakx @spnfamily-j2 @suspicious-stain-in-spain @atomicsoulcollecto @yvonneeeee @starryperson @mfnqueen1 @chaand-sitara @boywivlove @stilinskisthings

Let me know if you want to be tagged for this series! -`♡´-

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eyeliketoeatpoosay · 2 months

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ANYTHING ~ matt sturniolo.

summary ~ christmas eve and your mom does nothing but fight with you. you decide to leave and get stoned in some random parking lot when matt finds you.

warnings i! ~ ANGSTY ANGST, fluff, established relationship, soft!matt, use of petnames (baby), use of y/n (SUE ME), lower case intended !, mentions/details of suicide and depression. - tell me if ive missed anything !

a/n ~ hey ! haha🤣 so i was reading a fan fic and i started sobbing bc this song came on so i thought wait this is such a good song to write about💯💯‼️ so here i am💋 enjoy

not proof read !

✧༺💌༻∞

christmas eve. the last 24 hours before christmas day. the day of love and commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ. the day of love, celebration, and hope.

christmas was the one day a year, besides birthdays, that kids looked forward to. the day that children got presents from family members they had never even heard of, it usually just being a box of chocolate and a card with ten dollars shoved in it carelessly. but, the children didn’t care. they saw ten dollars worth of candy and robux. they saw fifty new cavities for the dentists to worry about, toys for decades, and snow to lay in and create artificial angels.

however, christmas hadn’t been the same for you since your father died. the day felt dull, empty, lonely. december 19th 2016. one day after your thirteenth birthday, you walked into your parents newly organized bedroom to see your father’s limp and lifeless body with his feet floating 6 inches off the ground.

the day permanently imprinted in your closed mind. the way his skin faded white and his cheeks puffed up red. the way your father took his own precious life twenty four hours after you turned thirteen.

you were adding setting powder to your under eyes, making sure your makeup was perfect before putting your outfit on.

you, your mother, and sister always stayed indoors all day on christmas eve. playing board games, watching movies, drinking hot cocoa. it was like a tradition at this point. your father introduced it to your family when your mother was pregnant with you, now you were carrying on the legacy.

it wasn’t your favorite time of year, in fact, you dreaded the clocks striking midnight on december 1st. you wished you could stay in november forever. relive that last month of your life when your father stayed alive for every single day. when your father didn’t waste a single breath.

you shook the thought and wiped off the powder, curling your long and black lashes and swiping mascara across them. something about doing your makeup every morning was therapeutic, comforting. it wasn’t that you were ugly or insecure, no, it was just something to make your smile break out.

and something to make your boyfriend convince you that you didn’t need.

the brown fluffy hoodie that you stole from matthew sturniolo, your boyfriend, laid on your pink floral bedding. along with your red and black checkered pajama pants. it was a cozy and warming day. you weren’t going anywhere, so you didn’t bother with actual clothes.

it was now 10:07 am. matt was most definitely not awake, but you decided to message him. just to let him know you loved him. you couldn’t let anyone down ever again. you couldn’t end an interaction without an ‘i love you.’ or the guilt would eat you alive.

‘morning matt’

‘i love u’

‘merry christmas eve !’

‘tell ur mom and dad i miss them’

‘i already told nick and chris’

‘call me when u wake up baby’

‘love u so much.’

‘💌💌💌’

you sling your phone onto your mattress and tie your hair up. half up half down with a ribbon. just what your father knew and loved. what you know and love.

you stand in front of your six foot tall mirror and held your hands at your sides, looking at your reflection and not recognizing a single molecule of your body. from your toe nails to your hair follicles, you were a stranger. a complete stranger.

a deep breath escaped your lips as you switched your bright white led lights off and made your way to the living room where your mother was sat drinking a mug of black coffee, which was probably laced with vodka. her frail hands were shaking against the boiling ceramic piece, clearly already brain-dead.

your younger sister, monica, was slouching on the opposite sofa. her phone fixated in her sweaty hands which caused you to roll your eyes backwards into your brain.

you quickly glance over at the cats empty and stained food bowl, “has cookie been fed today?” you ask to a simple head shake and a mumbling of ‘no.’ you scoff and make your way into the kitchen, grabbing the cat biscuits from the cupboard and pouring a generous amount into her small bowl. you rinse away the three day old water and fill it with ice cold water for your cat.

you stroke your soft hand across her back as she wolfs down her food, storming into the living room. you snatch the mug of black coffee from your mother, holding it up to your nose and immediately being wafted by the smell of vodka.

you nod as tears gloss over your eyes, a pearly vision to them now. “you promised, mom! you fucking promised.” your voice started off as a yell until it breaks and the tears don’t even threaten to escape, they just do.

your mom furrows her brows, taking back the ‘worlds best mom.’ mug and shaking her head. her pupils were dilated and her scoff had the smell of alcohol. “i didn’t promise shit, y/n!”

“that’s bullshit mom and you know it.” you snap, monica shoving her wired headphones in and scurrying off into her bedroom up in the attic. “it was four months you were sober. now you’re off drinking vodka for breakfast. what the fuck is wrong with you?! don’t you care?”

your mom, ashley, laughs in your face like you’re a fool. like you’re just a piece of dirt she wiped off her shoe. “oh, so i’m a bad mom, is that it?”

“because i have tried so hard to suit your needs, y/n, but nothing seems to please you anymore.” she added.

you press your lips together tightly, pinching the bridge of your nose. “yeah, you are a bad mom. what happened, hm? ever since dad died you’ve been gone. it’s like you’re here but your head is in oblivion.”

your mom scowls, her fists in balls. how dare you speak to her like that? who did you think you were? your father?

“don’t speak to me that way, y/n. i am your mother.”

“are you?! are you my mother? because i don’t see you. i never see you anymore! you’re always in the clouds. you’re never here, you’re always in space.” tears flood as you speak your mind, as you bring up the same argument for the one hundredth time, hoping that she will finally listen, finally get help, finally be a mother.

your mom stands closer, her hand coming up to slap your face, ready to leave a red handprint in your pale skin, but you grab her wrist. she clenches her jaw and yanks her arm down. “i wish it was you that died.”

you immediately grab your tote bag and leave the house. making sure to slip your ugg’s on as you exit. you don’t even grab your phone, instead just sit in your car and drive off. no plan, no money, and a million thoughts.

number one priority is getting far away from your home, wether you get to australia or the local gas station, you had to leave. but, just your luck, the car ran out of gas as you pulled into a random parking lot. no clue where you were, you threw your head down onto the steering wheel, the beep continuing on for thirty seconds until you were finally cured of the sound.

the stress you received from your mother never failed to dig your grave further.

i wish it was you that died.

the longer you let the words sink into your brain, the faster your heart sank. the words stung. you knew when she’d sober up she’d apologize and cry, like she always did, but you were sick of the empty apologies. you were sick of the games. you just wanted it to be november 2016.

you rummaged through your tote bag, hands gripping onto a week old roll up that you and matt forgot to use. you took a deep breath and picked up the lighter from your glove box, holding the blunt to your cracked lips as you lit it. you wished matt was there to hold it to your lips as he lit it, blowing smoke into your mouth as you made out. you wished you were with him.

an hour had passed. a long ass hour. you were lucky for your watch. about twenty minutes in you realized your phone had been forgotten and left on your pink floral bedsheets. you had no idea if matt had texted you, you hoped he’d still be asleep.

since you were bored out of your mind, you took the nearly finished blunt with you and travelled around the entire parking lot on foot. over and over again until you spotted a bench outside of the target. you took a seat and stamped out the blunt, kicking it under the bench.

your fingers danced around on the arm of the rotted bench. you felt a coldness wash over your body and felt a human presence in front of you. matthew.

his hand pressed against your knee as he knelt down and looked at your face with worry and concern. “hey.. what’s going on, y/n?” he asked, his thumb swiping over your kneecap as a way of comforting you.

you frown, “what are you even talking about, matt? i’m fine.” you cross your arms and look away, but his free hand grabs your chin and turns your face towards him.

“you’re stoned at half eleven in the morning, baby. what happened?” he asked, soothingly, tucking a strand behind your ear. “you only ever smoke with me, and even then you’re cautious.” he sits beside you, waiting patiently for a reply.

“i don’t wanna talk about anything.” you mumble, “i don’t wanna talk about anything.” you repeat, a lot softer, glancing up at matt for a moment.

matthew sighs, rubbing his eyes, “did your mom upset you? i understand the time of year, but you’re gonna have to tell me if i’m gonna help you, baby..” matts lips twist to the side and he rests a hand on your shoulder.

“i don’t wanna talk about anyone.” you sighed, “i want to sleep.” a small chuckle escaped matts lips as you said this, looking at the store behind him.

“well, let me just quickly buy some more whipped cream and marshmallows since chris ate them all, and we can head to my house, ‘kay?” he suggested at you nodded, a small, soft kiss being planted on your temple.

it only took him ten minutes to grab what he needed. he took your hand and walked over to his car when he stopped in his tracks. “how did you get here?”

“drove ‘til i ran out of gas.” you shrugged, pointing at your car isolated across the parking lot. matt took a deep breath and look at you, shaking his head playfully.

“i’ll bring a fuel can down here later and drive it to mine for you.” matt smiled softly and opened the drivers door, climbing in and tossing his bag into the back seat.

this target was almost thirty minutes away from the sturniolo household, so you connected your phone to aux and played one particular song on repeat, ‘anything’ by adrianne lenker. you hummed the lyrics, staring out at the snow trickling down onto the sidewalks, kids building snowmen with their families.

your eyes shut as you stayed slouched in the passenger seat, your arms folded and your head resting on the inside of the car door. you took a deep breath before eventually falling asleep.

it was almost 12pm, afternoon, but you needed this nap. you needed this break. you needed matt.

4pm. you woke up in matts bed with three blankets sloped across your body. drool down your face with hair stuck to your cheeks. you took a deep breath and rubbed your eyes, sitting up slowly as you yawned and stretched your arms.

you blinked multiple times, still trying to come back to reality. your mind was foggy, cloudy, you had no idea what happened or where you were for a good few minutes.

matt suddenly walked into his bedroom and shut the door, jumping when he saw you staring directly at him. he smiled softly and walked over to kiss your forehead. he sat beside you on his bed and handed you your car keys, but you looked up with a blank expression.

“oh! i filled your car with gas, it’s out in the front.” he grinned and you nodded slowly, yawning again. he sighed, tilting his head and looking at you. “hey. what’s going on?” he kissed your cheek, “why did i find you stoned outside of a target thats no where near you?”

you finally start to wake up fully. wiping your drooled-face and shrugged, “don’t know.”

matt shook his head, “c’mon. speak up, baby.”

you sighed deeply and loudly, “i just hate this time of year, matt. my mom was literally drinking vodka at 10am. didn’t wanna fight, but she insisted.” you sob, laying your head in his lap and covering your face with your hands. “why did he have to die.” your words were muffled as you whispered into his lap.

matt felt sorry. he didn’t know what to do or say. all he knew was to be there for you. his fingers ran through your hair and he leaned down to kiss your head, “i know, i’m sorry, baby.” but he didn’t know. his father was alive and in the living room below them.

you choked on your cries, using his sweatpants as a rag. “i just don’t want to do it anymore, matt.” you say, sitting up and wiping your eyes. you look at his face, “i love you so much.”

matt nodded and kissed you tenderly, “i love you more, y/n.” he smiled softly and hugged you, “when we grow old and have grandchildren, we’ll give them a box of chocolate for christmas.” he chuckled, rubbing your back.

“with ten dollars in the christmas card.” you smiled back, holding his hand and pulling away.

matt nodded and spoke, “for now, we get to love eachother and be grateful for 8th grade science.”

@mattslolita @sturnprime

#matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #angst #fluff #matt sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo angst #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo

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moonlit-imagines · 5 months

Text

You’ve Got the Wrong Guy!

Roman Sionis/Victor Zsasz x adoptive!reader

warnings: blood/gore. u know. BOP movie icky stuff

a/n: silly little gif

prompt: @jokekinsjoke505: “Hey I need a new adoptive father's Roman and victor because I think this will be a good idea where either they kidnapped the wrong kid and it ended up with Roman and victor adopted the reader or that one day that the reader walks in while victor is peeling off a face and Roman are eating popcorn watching it happened but they just says ' I'm to tired for this shit' before walking out again and then acted like it never happened.”

“Who does this child belong to?” Asked Roman to his mercenary and dear friend, Victor. In front of him was Victor holding you, a small child, calm in demeanor despite being taken from the comfort of your own home and family.

“Maroni.” Victor replied without a single doubt. “That’s who you told me to grab and I grabbed the kid. Just like you asked. One cool kid if you ask me.” Victor continued, noticing Roman getting visibly upset. “I don’t get it, what’s the problem?”

“That!” Roman shouted, startling you enough to start struggling from Victor’s grasp. He gently set you down as Roman tore him a new one. “That’s the problem, you don’t even see your failure!” You stood behind the bleach-blonde man, trying to understand what was happening, you were just waiting for the ice cream you were promised, you were so hungry. “That’s not Maroni’s kid. I don’t even know who that is? Did you take some random child off the street?”

“I, uh, I don’t know. I could’ve sworn this is the kid.” Zsasz answered.

“I’m hungry.” You quietly mumbled, just loud enough for them to hear you.

“Yeah, I’ll get you something in just a second.” Zsasz assured you, patting your head gently as Roman kneeled down to your height. You flinched and backed up a step, remembering his blind anger from just moments before. “It’s alright, he’s a good guy.”

“Who are you, dear?” Roman asked you in such a kind manner that you completely forgot how scary he was.

“Y/N.” You simply stated.

“Where are your parents, y/n?” Roman questioned further.

“I don’t know…” You sighed. “I didn’t see them for a few days.” Roman looked up to Victor with worry in his eyes, and was surprised to see a smile on his face.

“Can we keep them?” Victor giggled a bit, even more when you grabbed his leg. “Please?”

“Y/N, would you want to stay with us instead of your parents?” Roman had asked you a very heavy question for a young child, but you had no idea what he would really be asking of you. Of course, you didn’t come from a happy life and this already seemed better. You just wanted a sense of belonging.

“Can I get ice cream?” You innocently requested of them.

“Of course, dear! What kind?”

“Uhhh…chocolate!”

“Victor, go get y/n some chocolate ice cream!” He commanded and Victor ran to fulfill your wish. “So, you’ll stay here?” He asked you once more.

“Yeah!” You exclaimed and hugged him around the neck. He felt his heart melt at your embrace and hugged you back, lifting you up to take you with him to the kitchen. “So, who are you?” You asked him.

“I’m Roman. And my partner over there is Victor.” He smiled to himself. In a matter of moments, he’d created a family. One he’d kill for.

Once you were given your bowl of ice cream, you were sold on this new life. Truth be told, you didn’t have the greatest parents. They were absent and neglectful, which was the exact reason Victor found you all alone. It was still unknown why he mistook you for the child of a notorious mobster. Roman had his suspicions that Victor had planned this, but he laid them aside knowing this was good for them. For you all.

The two of them scrambled to make you a room, promising to buy you anything you would ever want when tomorrow rolled around. You were thrilled to be taken in by these two strange men, forgiving both of them in your young, impressionable mind. Roman, for his anger, and Victor, for kidnapping and misleading you.

“Victor.” Roman lowly said after you were tucked in. “I do apologize for raising my voice at you.”

“It’s okay, I understand.” Victor looked down at the table, then felt a hand wrap around his.

“No, I shouldn’t have done it. Especially when you’ve improved our lives so much.” Roman sat beside him. “I don’t even care about that Maroni kid anymore. This is what I care about now. You and y/n.”

“You mean that?” Victor smiled and relaxed his tense body, worried that his mistake would be unforgivable. But Roman always forgave Victor, that was what made them so special. Now they had a new challenge to tackle together: fatherhood.

—————

Years after you’d been adopted by the pair of criminals with high status in the underworld, you’d grown quite accustomed to their behavior. It wasn’t unusual to find Roman frantic or angry, or a bit violent at times. But never toward you, he wouldn’t dare lay a hand on you or raise his voice to you. You could do no wrong.

You could also find Victor coming home from a late night, covered in blood—be it his own from a mark or someone else’s from a job—and being very nonchalant about it. It was always, “y/n! I’m glad you’re up! Would you like some ice cream?” They never left the freezer understocked, even if ice cream wasn’t your favorite anymore.

But there was one “normal” you’d never really get used to, even if you were used to their brutality. Roman was a well-respected crime boss, and to keep that respect intact, he had to do some rather gruesome things.

Well, he didn’t have to. It was a personal choice for him, you could almost consider it a hobby at this point.

You’d been looking for your fathers for going on an hour now, needing some permission slip signed for school. You wandered all their possible routes hoping to catch them across one, asking around to any lackey you managed to catch. No one had an answer for you, so you continued on until you stumbled onto a horrible scene.

One father held a segment of his victim’s hanging skin from their face as they shrieked at the top of their lungs. The sound pierced your eardrums and you winced momentarily. Then you saw the other leaned back in his seat with a bag of popcorn in hand, yelling words of encouragement to Roman, as if he needed them.

“You guys are really something.” Your voice startled them both, so much that you nearly had a gun pulled on you.

“Y/N! You scared us, I’m sorry!” Victor jumped up and ran to give you a comforting hug. “I wouldn’t have shot you, I promise.” You patted him on the back.

“I believe you, Dad.” You mumbled into his shoulder. “Can you just sign this thing real quick? Make sure there isn’t any blood on your hands.” Victor pulled away and wiped his hands on his shirt.

“Of course, of course. Roman, are you almost done with that? We should take our dear y/n out for a nice dinner soon, they deserve it.” Victor explained as he grabbed the pen and paper from your hands.

“Sure, that sounds nice. I should be done in a few minutes. Don’t rush me.” Roman continued dragging the knife under his chained victim’s skin and you shook your head at the sight. By now, this didn’t even faze you, it was just another day in your life. Well, maybe the first few times you had nightmares, but you weren’t a little kid anymore. Now, you could care less what your fathers did for work. So long as they gave you the world and their love, life was good.

taglist: @locke-writes // @captainshazamerica // @ravenmoore14 // @randomfandomimagine // @summersimmerus // @bad4amficideas // @xoxobabydolls // @evilcr0ne // @amirahiddleston // @sydknee624 // @thedarkqueenofavalon // @elenavampire21 //

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iravinirattu · 10 months

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ik im late but im playing through kaveh's hangout event and. the haikaveh brainrot is real

since these losers can't do it themselves i am here to offer my translation services ‼️

al haitham you liar. we are in a library using our indoor voices you did NOT hear us.

and even if you did mr. "i hate small talk" why'd u walk over hmm?? hmm??

"dont mind if i ignore you, i've got my earphones in" <- applies to everyone except kaveh

"okay now that i've gotten him distracted tell me what's wrong so i can discreetly fix it"

mans literally sent kaveh away to boost his confidence a bit + find out if he was okay.

"you annoted those books with such long and beautiful notes that eveyone hated lolol anyways check out those shelfs where there's a book with someone appreciating ur notes"

i can't get over how many exceptions al haitham makes for kaveh. he's not heartless and cruel in the way i often see him portrayed... but at the same time his entire demeanor is "i respect you as a person but won't go out of my way to do things for you unless it benefits me"

like he's one of the only characters who isn't super super close with the traveler, at least that's how i see it in the voicelines! he respects them as a friend, would consider doing things for them if they asked, but that's about it really!

but KAVEH. for someone who enjoys a peaceful life and has such a rational and efficient way of working it theoretically makes no sense for him to do all the things he does for kaveh.

like sure "maybe the cheering up kaveh is just to avoid having to deal with him drunk later", but that's too roundabout of a demeanor to be al haitham's style. plus, if he really didn't want to deal with a drunk kaveh, he could just kick him out.

but he doesn't because he cares, and kaveh does not understand that because he has created a vision of what he thinks al haitham is in his head, and in that vision he, kaveh, has no value so why would haitham have him around?? clearly he's got ulterior motives.

and they won't move further until kaveh lets go of that vision, and he can only do that if he truly realises his own worth, and until then haitham's gonna have to keep pushing him towards that from the shadows.

"he overworks himself, it's not healthy. he forgets the practicality of his ideals when he starts something, thinking he can pull through it, but reality hits him halfway. he can keep his ideals, that's fine, but i wish he was a bit more realistic about them."

"and despite all of the above, despite wanting to uphold his artistic integrity, he still puts everyone's needs before his own."

"his approach is too contradictory, and hence people don't see his talent. there are those who's resolve is so brash they are seen as confident and unshakable; and yet he who is more talented than them all falls behind because he's so easy to take advantage of."

al haitham taught me two new words today lol

irascible - someone with a quick temper

paragon - something viewed as a standard

"if he wants things to change he needs to find a balance between compromise and resolve. there is no way to please everyone, but instead of accepting this, he thinks he can nullify it if he takes all the burden instead."

kaveh's altruism stems from his own self-hatred, moreso than his desire to help others. and while doing a good deed puts a smile on his face, the melancholy guilt that trips him when he doesn't is far greater.

"if they are his ideals then i have no right to say anything about them. but he hurts himself so much as a result of that and i wish he would love himself a bit more."

al haitham has a great deal of respect for kaveh, not just as a scholar but as a person. and it's hard watching someone like that dig their own grave, and there's nothing you can do but wait in the sidelines, because they won't believe anything you say.

al haitham is constantly bickering with kaveh to get him to feel a little, challenge his ideals, find a way to make them work without sacrificing himself in return.

"at this poing talking to him is no use, he's convinced himself that his life only has purpose if it's in the hands of others. all people face hardships in life, but he seems to believe he deserves all he gets and more"

and then after kaveh is back he gives him space to talk about things that make him happy, and more importantly, appreciate himself.

how to tell kaveh i want to listen to his silly lil rants without sounding like a sap - al haitham's brain, probably

al haitham knowing all of kaveh's little buttons, and pressing the right ones after determining his mood, so he can show kaveh he loves him but still sound like a bitch.

"you did so well. i am so proud, and i hope you are proud of yourself too."

and sometimes he does click the wrong one, but then immediately goes back on it, becomes soft(er than usual), offers reassurance, changes the topic, and so on

we saw this in the parade of providence event, when kaveh got legitimately upset at one of haitham's remarks and he immediately went into I HAVE UPSET MY BF recovery mode.

and what i love the most in all this is KAVEH'S DUMBASS IS SO OBLIVIOUS TO THIS LMAOOO

but also it's sad because the reason he's oblivious is because he doesn't think he's worth being cared for like that.

haikaveh's whole vibe is "i love you, but i'd much rather you love yourself first" and "i'm your one and only, your only exception, the one you'd break all your rules for" and i love it.

#haikaveh #al haitham #kaveh #kavetham #genshin impact #alhaitham x kaveh #⥽ • chaos and chasms #try denying the allegations now bitches (affectionate)#i shld be al haithams translator fr

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poisonpercy · 5 months

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I finally convinced myself to watch the 4th episode of the pjo show. Overall, it was probably the show’s strongest episode so far. That being said, I think it’s fair to say that I am not clicking with this show. I’m not saying the show isn’t good. It definitely has its moments, so it’s a fine show. But as a book to tv show adaptation of pjo, I don’t think it’s very good. I guess my expectations were way too high since I was promised that this is a true adaptation that has everything you would want in a pjo show, but seeing as I don’t feel that way, I can’t say that promise has been fulfilled.

The actors are great, but I find the writing and the overall direction of the show very dull. It’s just not something that keeps my attention personally. I have to convince myself to watch these episodes since they aren’t hitting that obsession that keeps you interested, and while watching, it’s very hard for me to stay watching because it’s just not pulling me in. Anyways, here’s some specific thoughts regarding this episode:

Like a lot of my mutuals, I am not too big of a fan of the flashback with Percy and Sally in the pool. Sally does not feel like the same character that she is in the books. She’s a lot kinder and more mindful of her actions in the books than she is in the show. I get what the flashback was trying to convey, but I honestly don’t think it worked. I remember that Sally had been described as someone who doesn’t raise her voice, and I feel like the writers have disregarded a lot of her prior characterization in the name of her being a #girlboss. To me it feels like they created a brand new character and slapped Sally Jackson’s name on them. “That’s not Sally Jackson! That’s an oc committing identity fraud” vibes

They are really shoving it down our throats that Percy does not like the gods. Which isn’t bad, but I feel like he still needs more time to grow into the resentment that he’s showing

Kinda weird that Annabeth was talking nice about her dad. And I’m more sympathetic towards her dad than most, but he still wasn’t great so giving him praise felt a little off. Not a huge fan of blaming only the stepmother. The misogyny is real

Sleepy, grouchy Grover was cute

The cameo of the centaurs leading into the conversation about Pan and searchers was nice. I wish the show talked about this being Grover’s last chance at getting his searchers license since that was a big part of his character arc in tlt, but idk if that’s ever going to happen

The cops on the train were awful. If this show got one thing right, it’s the fact that cops suck and don’t help

I felt like there was too much of Echidna in this episode. Idk, if you’re going to try to build up a monster, she’s not the one I would have picked

Going off of that, they definitely tried to build tension in this episode, unlike in previous episodes, but it just didn’t work. Like it was too obvious that she was supposed to be a monster without actually giving any tension for the viewers. It’s still very much telling and not showing which is a huge flaw of this show

I’m honestly not a fan of the arch being a temple of Athena. I guess it’s cool for world building, but it just feels too convenient. I did like that Annabeth was stating facts, but to me it felt less like her geeking out and more like her showing off the temple’s greatness

Grover and Annabeth splashing Percy in the fountain was funny but it would have been the perfect opportunity to introduce nectar and ambrosia since they have yet to be brought up

Bad parent Athena rep 🫡

Having Percy trick Annabeth to switch places with her was a nice nod to Percy’s loyalty

I felt like the whole scene at the arch was missing the chaos that was present in the book. Idk it just felt so dry to me

The fight between Percy and the chimera was so underwhelming. There was a lot more tension and chaos and moving parts in the book that the show just is refusing to show. Also, I’m getting tired of Percy being flung around. Let him build up some skill before Ares

The water grabbing Percy when he fell out of the arch was funny but I personally wouldn’t have done the scene that way

The underwater scene was lacking imo. I feel like a broken record by saying I liked it better in the books, but it’s true

Episode was way too short and the show’s pacing is way too fast

#at this point i’m only watching to see how they’re going to wrap this up #not bc i like it (unfortunately)#pjo adaptation #pjo #percy jackson and the olympians #skys post

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ladymarycrawley · 1 year

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Winning memories - John Stones

Request: I’m just wondering u could do one w iris and aidan being older? like teens? + can you do a request based off todays trophy ceremony with John Stones and family please

Warning: none, just a lil something that came straight off my mind after this weekend’s events and I thought it would be nice putting these two requests together ✨

Tag list: @masonxomount @stonesyy @johnstonesfc, @prideofpd

(gif credits to @johnnstones )

Another season, another trophy for the supersonic team that is Manchester City. The third Premier League in a row arrived quite unexpectedly as Arsenal had been in the lead for almost the entire period but when the final victory sealed the verdict everything turned out to be marvellously amazing.

To say you were proud of your man didn’t give the exact idea of how he made your heart burst with joy and love. He and the little family you were creating were your everything to say the least, the reason behind your every smile and every sacrifice, big or small, life required.

The sparkle in his eyes and the cheerful smile on his face made all the sleepless, lonely nights you spent alone in your big bed without him tenderly snoring by your side worth it. Honestly it was hard not having him by your side whenever you needed him to help you with the everyday tasks such as doing the groceries or calming down your baby when she started crying inconsolably but if there was one thing you had learnt while growing up was to appreciate life day by day, without questioning future events that much; what will be will be.

So you tried to put aside all your worries to live the present moment to the fullest, standing there together with other players’ loved ones staring lovingly at John posing with his teammates as all of them wanted to take pictures with the trophy as they should, in order to have those celebratory moments impressed in everyone’s memory forever, not just in some camera roll.

The City defender turned his head to look for you as he wished nothing more than sharing that precious moment with the people he cared for most in life. He did all of that not only because playing football was a passion of his but also because he wanted to see that proud look in your eyes and that big smile on your daughter’s lips.

When his eyes met your figure amid the crowd he raised his hand, gesturing for you to join him.

After all that time together it still felt weird thinking about your life companion as some famous footballer so you still blushed and got rather shy in this kind of public situation.

“Dada!!” Your baby Iris left your hand to go and run towards her dad, whom she was so in love with, more than you if possible.

“Iris!” The pitch was really packed and you always feared your daughter might have found herself in some unpleasant situation you obviously wanted to avoid. But John was there, ducked with his arms out ready to take her and that motion reminded you you had nothing to fear as long as he was there to keep you safe.

You sighed as he took your baby girl in his arms, getting back up and holding her with his right arm only.

“Here’s my princess” John beamed, pressing a kiss to her cheek as she was waving towards uncle Ruben.

Being a spectator of their interactions was among your favourite activities: she couldn’t live without her hero, her prince charming and he couldn’t think of his life without his little, blue eyed princess.

You stood right next to him, your head laid on his shoulder.

“Don’t panic, I got her” He whispered against your forehead, referring to moments earlier where you got worried over your daughter letting go of your hand. “You don’t have to panic, you know I got her”

Panicking was definitely something you better had to avoid while being pregnant with your second child. That little secret made those moments even sweeter, as your belly was still flat and nobody had to know about that sweet news of yours yet.

John kissed your skin right where he whispered his reassuring words, bringing a genuine smile to your lips. You kissed his cheek in return while murmuring all your love for him, complimenting him for the big result he just achieved.

His fellow defender Rúben joined your company to say hello to your baby and to you. He was such a good guy and Iris loved playing with him, not to mention how that made John jealous sometimes.

The three of you stood there watching Iris playing with Kevin’s and Kyle’s children and you didn’t have the slightest intention to let go of John’s hand that was resting on your hip, using his arm as a support for your slightly aching back.

“You both look so cute in your jerseys, in my jersey to be fair”

He kissed your cheek “You look so damn hot in my jersey” He moaned in your ear, doing that on purpose just to tease you.doing it on purpose just to tease you.

“John”

"I can't even praise my most precious trophy, aka my wife?"

His cheesy words made you roll your eyes as he bit on his lower lip, lightly smacking your bum.

"Speaking of your jersey, I have something to give you at home"

He looked at you with a frown before wiggling his eyebrows mischievously.

"Is it what I'm thinking about?"

"Wh - No, you perv. That's about your daughter"

John was still unaware of the special little present his baby girl made for him and you knew that moment would have been something you would have remembered for a long time…

"Well, at least my daughter didn't draw me with gray skin" He said looking at the drawing she gave him before going to bed, clearly referring to the drawing some children did of him and his other City teammates.

"She put you in your City jersey which is so similar to the original"

"Yeah…and what is this yellow thing here?"

"Erm…the sun? Oh no wait, she said it's a lion. It's for England"

"Ohh I see. She's as clever as her mother, I'm so lucky" He shook his head laughing as you playfully hit his arm.

"She surely is!"

"I'd really like to congrat her on her majestic work of art, what a pity she's sleeping"

"John Stones, if you wake her up I'll kill you"

"Oi okay, got it, don't get so aggressive"

You chuckled, resting your head against his chest, doing the same with your legs throwing them over his thighs.

"Did you turn the paper over?"

"Don't think so…why?"

"Do it"

John looked a bit confused but followed your instructions, seeing the letter you wrote him in cooperation with Iris.

"She can't write yet so I guess this is from you?"

"Not exactly, I just wrote about the endless love she has for her father"

"Mhh yeah sure"

"Read it and shut up" You giggled.

Iris just wanted to write something like "You're the best dad in the world xoxo" but I thought maybe scribbling down some more words would have been nicer.

I'm so proud of you (yeah, what an original thing to say to someone you love) but that's the truth: you make me proud every day, not just with the amazing milestones you're reaching throughout your career as a professional footballer but as a person too, as the man of my dreams who always makes sure we're doing alright.

You know it's hard waking up in the morning when you're not there with me, it's hard having to explain our little sunshine why her dad had to leave for a couple of days or a couple of weeks; it's hard comforting her when she screams your name looking for her favourite playmate that will never get tired of watching her signing the whole Frozen soundtrack on repeat, using words that didn't make it to the English vocabulary just yet.

Another hard thing for me is expressing my own feelings but you should know by now how much I love you, I'd be lost without you (another love sentence you've never heard of, I know). You’re an adorable, hot dork I couldn’t live without.

You make me a better person and I love it even when we argue (forget I said that) because it means you care and I care about you a lot as you're my everything, all the best I could've asked for in this crazy life”

While reading the letter to himself you could see John's eyes getting teary and you smiled when he searched for your hand to squeeze.

“Now enjoy all the celebrations for this amazing result you achieved for the third time in a row because we'll be here by your side celebrating the champion that you are, as we always do

We love you daddy, to the moon and back 💙❤️"

John got so emotional reading the whole letter he was at a loss for words, he needed some time to think about the right words to say.

"Aww are you crying? Or is there something in your eyes?" You joked with the biggest grin ever plastered on your face.

Your hand went to rest on his lower back to soothe him.

"Yeah, there's definitely something in my eyes"

You giggled, placing a peck on his covered shoulder first and on his cheek later.

A while passed from that moment that, as you imagined, you would cherish for years on end.

Iris was now a grown up baby - but still your baby - almost twelve and her brother Aidan - who was the size of a bean back then - was now ten so it felt as if a whole century had passed.

During one of your tidying sessions, you found that drawing Iris did together with your letter and couldn't help but shed a tear.

"Why are you crying?"

You turned in the direction of John's voice, smiling with gratitude. It was also thanks to him if you were living such a good life with your loved ones.

"I just found this letter, you know"

John took it to refresh his memory and smiled through the words.

"I'm gonna show this to Iris tonight and be the embarassing parent she hates me to be"

Your husband loved to be a tease and embarass your children, especially Iris who wasn’t a little girl anymore, but he would always say those were just acts of love.

You giggled, stretching out your arms to motion for him to help you up.

"You know she doesn't like it when we remind her of these things"

"I know, she's exactly like you"

“An adorable, gorgeous young woman?”

“Nope, more like a pain in gthe arse”

You scrunched up your face as he kissed your frown.

"But I love you no matter what" He retorted trying to save himself from your fury.

"Me too, Stonesy, even though you’re an embarrassing parent sometimes and a pain in the arse as well"

He rolled his eyes and smacked your bum.

"But I love you, every day more"

158 notes · View notes

capurriccino · 10 days

Text

WuWa Special Dishes

Jiyan, Lingyang, Encore, Calcharo, Danjin, Yuanwu, Yangyang, Baizhi, and Aalto

Just remembered the existence of special dishes after I got Jiyan's and thought of showing most of the others' special dishes. I don't have all the recipes unlocked so I can't do all of them! (Guys I killed so much poor animals for this I feel like a murderer but at least my Uncle Mahe made bank today)

See Jiyan's here: Jiyan's Special Dish: Yesterday in Jinzhou (yeah he had his own blog I'm a Jiyan hyperfixator)

Lingyang: Liondance Companion

How to obtain: Cook Jinzhou Skewers with Lingyang as the assistant.

Increase all party members' ATK by 120, lasting for 15m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

Snacks Lingyang made for the Liondance audience. The treats were a perfect combination of fatty and lean meats, complemented by fruits and vegetables to balance out the heaviness. Ideal for enjoying while watching the performance.

Encore: Baa Baa Crisp

How to obtain: Cook Star Flakes with Encore as the assistant.

Increases all party members' DEF by 40%, lasting for 30m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

After multiple attempts, Encore triumphantly created a dish she was pleased with. Golden and crunchy, each bite resembled a miniature lamb. And after indulging, one would surely dream of frolicking among sheep. With this culinary masterpiece, there's no need to fret - it can be savored without hesitation.

(This took me like 12 attempts to finally get in comparison to everyone else who took me like around 3 attempts so they're not lying when it took Encore multiple attempts to make her dish 😭😭 If that was intentional that is such a great detail)

Calcharo: Ration Bar

How to obtain: Cook Food Ration Bar with Calcharo as the assistant.

Increases the DEF of all Resonators in the team by 36% for 15 minutes. In multiplayer games, it only affects your own characters.

Calcharo has a fondness for Huanglong's Food Ration Bar. He believes it efficiently satisfies basic energy needs in the wild and has a unique taste. To cater to some of the younger merc's preferences, Calcharo has enhanced the bar by adding dried fruits, sugar beans, and various seasonings, creating a variety of flavors.

(Idk about u guys but something about Calcharo liking the food ration bars is so weirdly cute or I'm just a girl)

Danjin: Loong Whiskers Crisp

How to obtain: Cook Loong Whiskers Crisp with Danjin as the assistant.

Restore 50 points of Stamina.

The delicious scent of Loong Whiskers Crisp enveloped Danjin as she bit into the perfectly crisp exterior, her teeth sinking into the dreamy floss coating. Despite her love for this sweet treat, she always wished for more. The kind stall owner suggested adding extra ingredients to enhance the sweetness even further, a tempting offer that Danjin couldn't resist.

Yuanwu: Sanqing Tea

How to obtain: Cook Angelica Tea with Yuanwu as the assistant.

Increases all party members' max HP by 28%, lasting for 30m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

The Sanqing tea from Yuanwu Boxing Gym has healing properties, aiding the spleen, lungs, and alleviating worries. A cup after a boxing session boosts blood flow and circulation while soothing the mind. The perfect combination of exercise and tea brings a sense of inner peace, momentarily freeing one from mundane concerns and desires.

Yangyang: Fluffy Wuthercake

How to obtain: Cook Wuthercake with Yangyang as the assistant.

Increases all party members' ATK bu 33%, lasting for 30m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

A Wuthercake made with Yangyang's special formula. It incorporates whipped egg whites instead of the usual yolks. The result? A fluffy and tender treat that is both delicious and nutritious, thanks to the addition of berry jam. This revamped recipe caters to all ages, from seniors to picky kids, making it a satisfying indulgence for everyone.

Baizhi: Iced Perilla

How to obtain: Cook Perilla Salad with Baizhi as the assistant.

Increases all party members' Crit. Rate by 12%, lasting for 15m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

In moments of research block, Baizhi turns to the chilled Perilla she always has on hand for a refreshing pause. The cool, herbal flavor soothes her senses and helps calm her racing thoughts. As she finishes her plate, her mind clears and she's able to refocus on her work with renewed determination.

Sanhua: Crystal Clear Buns

How to obtain: Cook Loong Buns with Sanhua as the assistant.

Increases all party members' DEF by 28%, lasting for 30m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

Sanhua revamped the traditional ingredients used in Loong Buns, creating a refreshing and translucent treat perfect for cooling down during hot summers. This delicacy quickly became a staple on the City Hall's tables, winning over the hearts of all visitors... and the Jinzhou Magistrate herself.

Aalto: Misty Tea

How to obtain: Cook Happiness Tea (the recipe is named Xi Ling Tea) with Aalto as the assistant.

Increases all party members' DEF by 14% and max HP by 12%, lasting for 30m. (This effect only applies to your own Resonator(s) in Co-op Mode)

The tea is a favorite of Aalto. As the water in the pot turns to mist and then back into water in the cup, the aroma of the tea is coupled with the soothing mist. "Now, let's get down to business." It seems Aalto's mastery of tea-making is just one of his many skills in the business world.

Notes on the special dishes of those who I haven't included here

Mortefi: Crispy Squab (Recipe obtained at Casket Delivery level 10 aka you have to get all Sonance Caskets)

Chixia: Jinzhou Maocai (Recipe obtained at Chef level 4)

Taoqi: Kudzu Congee (???)

Verina: Morri Pot (???)

Jianxin: ??? (She's the only one I don't have asjsj)

Bonus pics of my Jiyan <33

#wuthering waves #jiyan #lingyang #calcharo #baizhi #encore #yangyang #sanhua #danjin #yuanwu #aalto

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samarecharm · 2 months

Note

geniunely not trying to put words in ur mouth im geniunely asking: what do you actually like about persona 5? from all ur rants im just wondering why you didnt drop the game bc it seems (again, im not trying to put words in ur mouth) that it simply not for you? i geniunely have not felt any of the issues you bring up outside of the writing ones and i cannot tell if i'm just easily pleased and not good at discerning what a good game is or we simply have dif things we enjoy in a video game. i hate getting tone across text but im asking out of geniune curiosity im not trying to attack your opinion (;-;)

Nah, i dont feel like ur attacking me, and I hope u dont feel the same when u see my complaints! Lmao. In my defense, I am replaying the game for the first time after completing my first file back in 2020, so alot of the faults i kinda shrugged off in my first playthrough are now glaringly in my face now that I no longer have the confusion and interest in learning the main story to keep me occupied. The game is clunky all the way through, and at some times, even frustratingly so.

But despite that, i do like this game. Alot! Its probably one of my top games ever if im being honest!

This ended up way longer than I intended, so im putting it under a readmore to keep the post short on dashboards

If i had to describe what I liked about the game in the simplest way imaginable…I think I would say, I like how the game makes me feel :) I like the music. I like the vibe. I like the immersion from city to city, and I like the premise! I like the characters and I like the connections you make with these characters! As im replaying this game, i am most excited to see Akira and his comments about the world :) i like hearing everyones voices, I like their little interactions in Mementos, and I like seeing them fight!

P5 is the first game I played in the series; its the game that introduced me to SMT in the first place! And it (smt) is a series that my longtime best friend LOVES and never thought hed be able to share with me! It is a game i keep very near to my heart; it has influenced me in ways i did not think would happen in the short couple of years since i first finished it. It genuinely keeps me awake some nights thinking about the world this game has created, and I think that is a testament to the impact its had, be it good or bad.

The joke about wishing theyd make a persona game that was Good is that despite all of its numerous flaws, the games manage to snatch your attention and pull you in anyway. Imagine if they made a game that had all of those things that i mentioned I loved, but done Right and executed Properly?? Where I got to have a story that made sense and didnt need to be spoonfed to me (in like an HOUR of dialogue and scenes; an HOUR!), and characters that talked and bonded beyond the tiny snippets of interaction theyre allowed to have in mementos? Combat that let me use PERSONAS i liked instead of BUILDS that stop me from getting instakilled throughout the entirety of the endgame, and a Persona building mechanic that didnt feel like I was shooting in the dark looking for possible fusions that end up not even being useful in the endgame.

Ive mentioned it before, but I complain so much bc I have seen what a good p5 game looks like, and its Strikers almost to a T. Combat is still your typical warriors-esque style combat, but it is at least different from the turn based strategy of the main game. Characters talk to each other freely, they hang out and comfort each other in a way that feels more connected that the base game. Strikers implements the ability to see ALL possible fusions with ALL registered personas, not just the ones in your Stock, so you can fuse easily without having yo consult a guide. The story feels like it makes SENSE with antagonists that feel morally grey and sympathetic. Genuinely, alot of the complaints for p5 I had were almost immediately rectified in this game.

But please also know that the praises I sing for this game is only bc of the groundwork laid by p5 and the world it created. Thats what I like about this game, that it had such a captivating premise and cast of characters, that a DIFFERENT company was able to hit the ground running with them. P5 had alot happening in that game, but i think what it had most was potential. The effort put into this game is astronomical, and the possible connections you can outright MISS if u arent paying attention was worth the money and time to implement; even if it meant that it could be considered a waste of resources to higher ups.

Books and games and part time jobs???!! Silly little cutscenes that add nothing to the game PLOTwise, but define and flesh out the personality of your protagonist. There was alot of love put into this game, and its evident by the fact that we have NOT seen a new persona game released; they bank on existing titles bc they are unwilling to make a game like this from scratch again. They dont want to ‘waste’ resources on good voice acting and a complex, overarching story; they dont want to waste money on scenes a player may never see, on routes a player may never get to experience. Making a game that gives u even the slightest bit of freedom means more money in programming and detailing that freedom. This has been an issue for a WHILE, and its a miracle that the gaming landscape had space for a colossal title like p5!

I complain bc I want better, and I do not think that is inherently at odds with my love of this game. In b4 im told to get good; ive played on hard and tested out merciless (its NOT fun, im making godbuilds again and its boring 😞). Its not the most accessible turnbased rpg; theres no colorblind modes, and the affinity system is convoluted and overwhelming. Combo moves are hard to keep track of and it can be incredibly frustrating to see your turns being skipped or seeing characters take extreme technical damage without understanding WHY it happened. The fact that they KNEW the game was desperate for qol improvements by the time royal came out, and instead of updating the base game to have those improvements too, they just pushed the royal edition out for people to play instead. It sucks! Customers and fans deserve better than being forced to shell out money for a game they already played !

As the gaming climate gets more and more hostile and unbearable, I think it is good to look at your games critically, and understand why products come out subpar. Persona 5 is a fun game that has a nice cast and an interesting premise, but it is ultimately tied down by its refusal to build on existing building blocks regarding its combat, and it insists on having insulting and downright out of character dialogue and scenes to appease the audience its designed to be targeted to. It is easy to forget sometimes that queer ppl are infact NOT the prime target of these games, its cishet gamer bros from aged 16 to 40 who will laugh at homophobic comments, who drool over a 16 yr old girl with a 16 yr old mindset and a grown womans body, who need to be placated with constant sexual comments to deal with a convoluted story that will inevitably make zero sense until its laid out for you before the literal end of the game.

Its bad. Its good. Its so shallow and its unbelievable that they thought having the plot twist make ZERO sense until they showed CUTSCENES of YOUR character discussing Goro and his connections to the metaverse for endgame SHOCK VALUE was more important than just having your team be smart and piece it together over time. Its shit. Its literally amazing. It let you FUCK your teacher ??????????????what the FUCK. They also let me shoot a god in the face w the best looking ult persona in the world so i can ignore that shit. And ultimately that is how i got through the game. Lol.

#chattin #answered #i have mentioned it before but i did NOT romance anyone #u know why? bc i literally didnt know it existed #i maxed out ann and the game was like ‘hey. this next decision is important’#and i was like. huh. u know what. i have not looked up a guide until now. thats scary. i dont want to lose a confidant…#and learned that.#so uh. i really DID go through the game bot realizing i could date anyone. even the adults.#anyway. this was alot. and i tried to keep out alot of my other complaints #bc i have so many. but they are like. either nitpicky things or things that are issues in lots of games too #like the models suck in this game but i can look past that. graphics are always bottom on the list of complaints #and i do like the little animations!! i like akiras little tics #and i like seeing personas do their casting animations; shiki ouji and nekomata are my faves #i distinctly remember that being a thing i wished to see more of.#bc i liked thinking of what joker would look like fighting for Real #and then i remembered him being in smash so i was like COOL. ill look at those #and then i got STRIKERS and it was exactly what I wanted #i think #the game is like.#its bad. but in ways that i wouldnt call another game bad #like back 4 blood is BAD bad. its awful. the gameplay is bad. the story was shit. and the servers shut down within a year or two of launch #risk of rain 2 is bad in the way that it continuously obscures and withholds information to the player. its tedious and frustrating #but unlike b4b i LIKE ror2 and will continue to enjoy it.#bc the gameplay loop FEELS satisfying #and ultimately thats how i feel about p5 #for all of its faults; its fun. it has a gameplay loop that is consistent and fun when u get the hang of it #im playing on hard again since merciless is just me making the right instakill builds while i pick up my team over and over again #and theres still a challenge in having the endgame weapons and armor #its satisfying! and i think its satisfying bc I was given the luck of having this be my introduction into the series #maybe i would have a better opinion on the game if i came from p4. or maybe not! who knows !

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soleilnomoon · 1 year

Note

Hi again! Still absolutely adore your Kid fic from your last event 💜 Never got around to asking for a Sanji one, so here I am again😅 But seriously, congrats on over 550 followers!! Love seeing your blog grow, cause you’re really talented and deserve them all and legit can’t wait til you hit 1k+ 🥰

For the event order, may I please ask for a #1 with my boi Sanji, with anmitsu, konpeito, and keylime pie and with honey, please? 🥹 i hate this but need some sanji angst 😭

I also dunno if these three would work particularly well together for a prompt, so you can choose whatever! just really feeling angst and sanji rn and maybe comfort if you’d like 🥰

Thank you for all your works you’ve done so far 💜💜

hiiii omg haha i loved that fic fr (i'm obsessed w that man!!!) also ily for requesting sanji i don't write him nearly enough 🥰️ but thank you sm!! 😭 making me all soft and i am so so sorry this took forever, as u know i am so slow but!!! i had fun tormenting sanji w the angst ngl 💓💓💓💓 also those were great choices for the prompt, i wanted to write more but it would've been 8k words before i finished and who has time for that (i do, but listen... that's besides the point) ✨

2k words, fem reader (honestly gn too now that i think abt it), sfw (SHOCKING i know), 18+ mdni, a lil bit suggestive but nothing wild, angst angst angst city babey, fluff if you squint, also i gave u comfort bc u deserve it bb 💗(and sanji does too); feat. sanji being in denial forever and ever, mutual pining, fake unrequited love, reader is determined and sanji is a coward; also i made myself sad writing this but a good sad bc sanji deserves happiness and i'll fight oda if he doesn't get it i s2g... (if u see grammar mistakes/spelling errors... no u didn't 💗)

“loving each other began this way: threading / loneliness into loneliness / patiently, our hands trembling and precise.” — yehuda amichai

STEP 01:

what does it take to kill a soul? —

a question that’s posed unironically, without a hint of remorse or tact, the words precise and venomous, slicing through the thick veneer that he’s carefully crafted. he’s never been able to answer that question — not at six years old, not twelve or fifteen, and not at twenty-one. his siblings took pleasure in taunting him with seemingly philosophical questions, ones that clamped down onto his thoughts with heavy shackles.

even after he’s extracted himself from that life, he can’t scrub those memories from his mind — no matter how hard he tries. they sit, still raw and bloody, giving rise to unpleasant emotions that make his stomach churn from so many things left unsaid. he never set out to be a pirate, but piracy has given him the sort of freedom that he could only wish for as a child.

it’s with tender hands, with nimble yet graceful fingers, and with a fastidiousness that puts him in a category of his own, that he creates and creates and creates —

he’s told he’s an artist, which only pushes him to work harder, to be better. and when he asks himself why, he doesn’t have an answer. or, rather, the answer he does have only serves as a punishing reminder that he’ll never be good enough. no matter how many times his crew mates thank him — their emphatic, genuine praise a soft, warm breeze against his heart, gentle caresses that he commits to memory — despair still manages to infiltrate, a darkness choking out what little light he has left inside of him.

STEP 02:

how far are you willing to go to reach the truth? —

when you join the crew, he’s unnerved by your presence, which is wholly unlike him. usually, he’s able to put on his façade of the flirtatious cook, one that’s jovial and sociable, that lives to serve and please those around him. his first conversation with you ends in disaster; he spills the drink he tried to pour for you, despite your insistence that you are perfectly capable of pouring your own drink — and he knows it’s not out of malice, but it cuts into him all the same.

he tries again and again, bringing you little treats that you only agree to eating if he sits and eats with you; confusion eats away at his mind, and when he opens his mouth to decline, you pat the seat next to you and he acquiesces. he sits stiffly, at first, unsure of why he always feels on edge around you — an irritating need to impress you in a way he’s never wanted to for others grows stronger by the day.

you think it’s cute that he always seems flustered around you — that he stumbles over his words, refuses to hold eye contact with you for longer than thirty seconds — you also think it’s cute that the false bravado that he puts on for the world, diminishes immediately the second you come close to him. if he’s skittish, it’s because you always catch him staring at you; despite his quick reflexes, his reactions around you are slow but pure — childish, almost.

lately he’s clumsier and scatterbrained, nearly burning dinner when you decide to keep him company. you lean against the countertop, a teasing smile on your face — the same one that that caused him to bump his forehead against the cabinet door earlier — as you prattle on about a dream you had. he can barely keep up, his eyes drifting from the skillet to your face, gliding around the curve of your cheek, dipping lower in a slow descent along your neck.

he blinks repeatedly when he reaches your clavicle, stunned at his restraint; and it’s only when you call his name loudly that he realizes he’s left the heat on for too long.

“are you okay?” you ask when you see that he’s fussing over how best to save the dish, mouth moving as he quietly mutters to himself. he barely registers your voice, as an insidious one whispers harshly into his ears about his perpetual incompetence and lack of talent.

you can see that he’s retreated even further into his mind, a feat that also leaves you frustrated. you want to shake him but refrain and grab his hand instead. he snaps out of whatever stupor that held him captive just moments ago, lips parting as he sighs softly before glancing down at you.

“thank you.”

the words are quiet, but impactful, as he didn’t think he’d be able to get them out. you let go of his hand too soon, but he doesn’t say anything else, choosing to focus on cooking than embarrassing himself again in front of you.

you take his silence as a silent dismissal, but you don’t fight him on it — it’s bitter, that sort of rejection, and you swallow back your argument with great difficulty.

STEP 03:

what’s the difference between cowardice and self-preservation? —

frustration bubbles underneath his skin when he can’t find where he placed his lighter; he runs a hand through his hair and tugs on impulse, accidentally ripping a few strands from his scalp. they swirl and tumble onto the ground, pathetic in a way — just like me, but he never really says that out loud. he doesn’t hear your footsteps, although you did your best to remain as quiet as possible.

a cigarette sits in between his lips, and he has half a mind to toss it over the railing of the ship, but a warmth suddenly appears in front of him in the form of a flame. you found his lighter on the floor earlier and meant to give it to him, but every time you got closer, he found every excuse to leave. you don’t realize the impact you have on him — not really, anyway — because he’s genuinely surprised that you can’t hear the heavy beats of his heart that grow more intolerable the longer he hangs around you.

always afraid of being found out, he opts to keep his distance. it’s easier this way, he tells himself, better. but he doesn’t quite believe that; the evidence is plain as day when his tongue feels like its grown three sizes in the span of seconds, where his words get lost and forgotten. it’s all your fault, he reasons; you who insists on talking candidly with him, who insists on listening to him ramble about his dreams, who absolutely insists on stubbornly tearing down his walls, steadily chipping away without a care in the world. he looks at you as if you are the source of all his problems, but he also looks at you as if you’re the solution.

the intensity behind his stare makes your hands tremble slightly, it’s a miracle you’ve managed to keep yourself composed for this long. you light the end of his cigarette with ease, as if you’ve done this for him hundreds of times —and place the lighter into his pants pocket afterwards. if he wasn’t so used to you getting in his personal space all the time, he’d retreat immediately. the proximity is almost too much for him, but he doesn’t step back; you take that as a good sign and keep him company for a few minutes.

you don’t care for the smell of smoke, but on him it smells good. you almost tell him that, but instead bite down on your lip and keep your comment at bay, nerves getting the best of you as you nearly choke on the possibility that your feelings won’t be reciprocated.

another time, maybe. cheeks flushed, you turn your face to look elsewhere. although, you wonder if there ever will be another time. with him, you never know.

he’s still trying to figure you out and why he feels a different sort of calm around you; it’s alarming and new, drumming up an irrational fear within him. he doesn’t think he’s deserving of your attention or affection, and he’s convinced himself that you don’t harbor any romantic feelings for him. and why would you?

one by one, his thoughts pummel into him, acerbic and overwhelming. he exhales a sliver of smoke and puts the cigarette out. he gives you a quick, apologetic look before telling you goodnight, the smile on his face is melancholic and barely existent. you don’t dare say a word, keep your lips pressed together stubbornly; exasperated and dejected, you don’t know what’s worse — his inability to lower his guard around you for longer than ten minutes, or your inability to stop yourself from trying to carve pieces of yourself to give to him.

maybe if you helped him fill the gaping holes in his heart, he’d truly understand how you feel.

STEP 04:

if you had to do it all over again, would you do anything differently? —

sleep evades you after that night, and the night after that, and so forth; it gets so bad that you’re yawning in the middle of the day, falling asleep before you can have a cup of coffee or tea. this does not go unnoticed by the others, and after talking with nami, you feel less out of your element and finally can see the parts of sanji that he wants to keep hidden. her advice is simple: approach slowly and with intent; corner him and don’t let him escape.

you bide your time, full confident that you can find a moment to sit down with him and talk this all out. it doesn’t come easy, but franky mysteriously swaps sanji for the night’s watch — something that should strike you as odd, but it’s a small opening that you take without thinking as you hurriedly climb up to the crow’s nest with a renewed sort of energy.

even with his eyes closed, as he sits lazily on the bench with head tilted back against the wall, he knows it’s you.

“go back to bed,” he says firmly, refusing to look at you.

your stubbornness, unfortunately, wins out. “i’m staying.” at that he sits up, his attention completely on you as his eyes widen at your words. he wants to ask you why, but cowardice wins out — again. as his features soften, a flush crawls along his face, lightly painting his cheeks pink. he closes his eyes again, tries to steady his breathing as he counts backwards, only for his efforts to be obliterated with ease the moment you sit next to him.

as your thigh presses against his, you take his hand and on impulse you trace your fingertip along the lines on his palm. he watches you with a morbid fascination that scares him; but then you start to say things like, “you will live a very long life,” and “you are courageous, and you have a big heart.”

a small part of him wants to pull his hand away, so you won’t say anything else — but he remains put, so still that you almost think he’s stopped breathing. your voice is sweet and disarming, even when you carry on this charade of reading his palm. a belated realization hits him forcefully, making him blink several times; it dawns on him that you’ve always been so kind and gentle with him, even when you teased him. he’s spent all this time overthinking and hiding behind his past, that it never occurred to him that he could have simply let you in. you’ve never given him reason to believe that you’d betray or harm him intentionally.

he takes a deep breath, voice a little uneven, “i—”

you lean in close, adoration dripping onto your words as you interrupt him. “hey, have i told you?” the question glides along his skin, the words seeping into him as you continue, the lilt in your voice a honeyed, melodic spell. “you remind me of starlight and the mysteries of space.” your lips brush against his when you tell him that, and a warmth settles into the middle of his chest, makes it hard to focus. he doesn’t think when he curls his fingers around yours and doesn’t think when heleans down to kiss you — tender yet electrifying all the same.

the move disarms you in a way that doesn’t quite make sense to you, so you simply hum in approval and lean your head against his shoulder. a comfortable silence settles around you both, but you don’t mind that at all; it’s nice, not having to tip-toe around him anymore, and the demons that plagued him for so long don’t seem so intimidating with you by his side.

#fic request #milestone event #500+ followers event #🍭✨🍨sticky & sweet event🧁✨🍭#one piece angst #one piece fluff #one piece x reader #one piece x y/n #vinsmoke sanji x reader #vinsmoke sanji x y/n #sanji x reader #sanji x y/n #sanji angst #sanji fluff #i love sanji a normal amt as u can tell

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familyagrestefanblog · 2 years

Text

About recent takes of Félix’ father vs Gabriel, Félix’ guilt in “Emotion” & How the amok- child abuse of Adrien works (part 0.1 lol)

Just to make this clear right from the get-go (although is sad that such disclaimers need to be made again): No, this is not written as a Félix Defense Post, this is me writing out my analysis’ and other thoughts regarding way too much out-of-context stuff from “Emotion” and the one big confirmation of Félix’ indeed BEING an abuse victim from leaks which I will only incorrperate as vague concept since tbh I dont remember details and I’m not seeking it out for this.

Aright? Let’s go!

Where is all this stuff about Félix’ father coming from? Are those from even more leaks? From what I have seen in leaks of Félix saying something about the parenting he received I too got my confirmation that Félix’ father was abusive, but where is this coming from that Colt Fathom was alot WORSE than Gabriel?

In my opinion, that directly contradicts Félix’ attitude in “Emotion”. Who knows what exactly happened before that episode, though at the very least Félix most likely knows now that Adrien is Chat Noir and thats what made such a massive difference in him:

Also there was this out-of-nowhere second carmoflaged Black Cat-like ring Félix used as amok object that looked exactly like Adrien’s, although we see later that Adrien is still wearing his? That element of the episode was ridiculously out of context, but Félix’ knowing now that Adrien is Chat Noir makes its existence and the episode overall make alot more sense in my opinion.

Its basically the only way I can properly explain anything Félix-related that happened in “Emotion”, down to his behavior when he mentioned Chat Noir towards Ladybug:

Or the way Argos straight up refused to try and take Ladybug’s Miraculous away from her by his own force. He only asked/ threatened her to surrender her earrings to him but he never went further than that. In fact, her calmly stating that she would never give him her Miraculous was what set Félix over the edge in frustration, because he knew thats IT now. Taking it from her forcefully would mean she would speak up against him when he brings Adrien back (to get the Black Cat miraculous and because Félix WANTS him by his side on good terms), but he cant snap the girl behind the mask away either or else Adrien would see him as nothing but a villain if Félix only has her earrings but SHE is gone.

If Ladybug doesnt surrender her Miraculous and remains there to ensure with her words that Adrien too should give Félix his miraculous, where at that point Félix has the chance of explaining his plan to his cousin that noone is gone for real and he just wants to create a better world for them- which in Félix’ mind lead to a scenario in which he’s not the bad guy. Look, the boy knows he, Adrien and Kagami belong to a race of enslaved magical beings and are at the mercy of tyrannical abusers (Dude, what a sentence!). I’m not expecting rationality from Félix Fathom at this point. He was still 100% the bad guy in this, but I get it.

Also Fuck u Gloob, how dare YOU leave me without actual context for this shit?? xD)

But even without that... explanation-theory of mine, in episode 18 all I can see is Félix acting on SO MUCH god damn guilt towards Adrien and trying to free him from Gabriel. He literally states he tried to succeed in this episode for ADRIEN:

Then regarding Colt Fathom’s parenting again: when Félix confronts Gabriel about how Gabriel uses them, his family, he does not treat his uncle as a lesser monster than the one Félix (may have? Idk?) known as a father:

Félix went to the upmost extreme methods to get rid of Gabriel in this episode. He sees his uncle as nothing short of a tyrannical monster that needs to get taken out with a literal SNAP so Gabriel has no opportunity to stop him and be remade with a reality changing wish.

But most importantly, when Félix called Gabriel out he named ADRIEN first:

This was NOT Félix only doing it for himself and those are also not the actions and words of a person who views Gabriel as LESS of a dangerous tyrant bc of his own father. No matter how bad Colt Fathom was, Félix is not underestimating his uncle as the madman that he is. At least not ANYMORE!

Not in a single second of “Emotion” do I get the impression that Félix has NOT finally understood in what horrible position Adrien is caught in in Gabriel’s grasp (more on this regard for the Diamond Ball in an upcoming post I’ll link HERE). Which, yes, Félix too partly caused through the s4 finale. This is most likely why he goes to such insane lenghts to try to save Adrien.

Félix feels fucking GUILTY now in hindsight for having sold the one amok ring of his cousin he already had safe and sound in his possession back to Gabriel, along with 15 more miraculous’ to make him even MORE dangerous:

Which btw, GOOD!!! He should!

Anyway. While I dont understand where these takes about how much worse Colt Fathom was to Félix than Gabriel to Adrien come from, that claim does seems to be very accurate though to Félix’ point of view of Adrien’s abuse BEFORE season 5. Hence why he was being so god damn awful to his cousin and SOLD HIM TO HIS ABUSER!

The way I see it right now, Colt Fathom was abusive on Gabriel Agreste’s level but he did it in ways more open and “obvious”.

Gabriel is an extremely abusive father, but the worst thing about him has always been that he abuses Adrien in a way for which people cannot easily get him for it. Sure, there has always been ALOT to worry about under the circumstances after Emilie “died” but Gabriel Agreste has always made sure whatever he does to his son he remains untouchable enough from a normal legal perspective.

I’m not sure if child protection services could ever have actually helped Adrien even if they tried, because while Gabriel has been stretching all lines of possible slack problematic parents are being given - because the child cant nor SHOULD immediately be taken away from their parent if not truly necessary - Gabriel has never made.. that ONE slip-up too much and too out-of-line that could set Adrien free from him.

And in my opinion, thats what the show is going for because thats what Félix realized at some point prior to episode 18 about Gabriel’s treatment of Adrien and Adrien’s own behavior towards his father, for which Félix gave him massive shit for just last season:

Félix made a full-blown 180 regarding Adrien, thats the only way I can explain it.

Its GUILT. Guilt and the desperate attempt to save his cousin from the horrible consequences Félix had a HUGE part in unleashing and to be able to somehow manage to somewhat save the strong and basically brother-like bond he and Adrien once had as cousins.

And I dont care what anyone says, its by far the one bond Adrien has with anyone besides Plagg in which he’s literally 100% his authentic self and not any degree of Adrien Agreste™ or Chat Noir™. Seriously, if you wanna see Adrien behaving like nothing but a normal boy, watch him interact with his cousin who’s basically his BROTHER.

And it doesnt even matter how much of a damn dick Félix became, in any interaction these two had in the show you could easily SEE how close these two were/are from Adrien’s behavior. Which btw, makes Félix actions before s5 alot worse, but thats the point. This is WHY he goes as far as he does in “Emotion”. Because they once HAD such an incredibly close bond as Adrien’s “naively trusting” behavior towards him always claimed.

The bond which FÉLIX comitted to burn into the ground in s3-s4:

Guilt I can only explain in the same only way I can possibly explain Félix throwing Adrien under the bus as awfully as he did til s5, and in particular the s4 finale:

I can only explain it if Félix all his life had received the other - but in this case pretty much equal - side of the spectrum of abusive parenthood and Adrien’s abuse simply looked so different and way more ”subtle” and “acceptable by society’s standarts” from what Félix’ knew as highly abusive (when he finally gained freedom through getting his ring, probably at his father’s funeral hence why Adrien wasnt allowed to be there. It’s where Félix has told he’s a Sentihuman) that he didnt recognize it as such and therefore ended up hardcore victim-blaming his cousin because he has it “so much better” under Gabriel’s fist but “still cant take initiative like Félix does”.

Félix at the end of “Strike Back” in my opinion truly thought that even though his uncle is a delusional, tyrannical man, Adrien would be the ONLY person safe ENOUGH with him and from him (I know this sounds like a hypocritical cop-out, but Félix is literally in the ONE family position as Adrien’s close and only cousin, who’s also the only other child in their families but always also lived far away enough to not be around to wittness most of Adrien’s and Gabriel’s father-son dynamic behind closed doors [especially in the last, and most crucial year], that I simply have to say that.. this is so god. damn. realistic. This is a way too realistic variation of how the once close children in abusive families end up as bitter rivals throwing each other under the bus within their own absive family system.)

Félix thought that Adrien is as per usual the ONE exception for Gabriel in EVERYTHING, so giving Papa Agreste the control object and 15 more miraculous’ he can fry his brain away with simply... wouldnt have meant endangering Adrien’s entire life in Félix’ eyes.

Which WE know is the WRONG damn reading of the situation!

But for Félix Adrien was his uncle’s one weakness “out of fatherly love” Félix most likely never knew himself, because Gabriel put/s ALOT of effort into keeping his son in the dark (”overprotectiveness”) which lead Félix to even blantantly using Adrien against GABRIEL bc he knew that threatening to tell Adrien would be the most effective way to make his uncle instantly stop denying that he’s Shadowmoth:

(Also, notice how in the upper picture when Gabriel is denying that he’s Shadowmoth, Flairmidable is shot from the ONE - the ONE - possible angle from where his character model looks similar to Chat Noir.

With whatever tons of context we are apparently missing from prior to “Emotion” regarding this entire Agreste, Graham de Vanily/ Fathom and Tsurugi mess, this visual forshadowing in “Strike Back” is in SOME WAY apparently about to become relevant now. Most likely through Nathalie but eyyyyyy, its not like we have any kind of DAMN context! <3 :D)

I already long assumed Félix’ awful but NEW behavior towards Adrien since his father’s funeral to be the result of Félix despising Adrien bc Gabriel burdened his nephew with the knowledge of being Sentihuman in the worst way and at the worst time possible while “overprotecting” Adrien. But now with “Emotion” it seemed I read it mostly right.

The way I see it, Félix did the one thing unnervingly not even uncommon in abusive families: He couldnt recognize his cousin’s extreme abuse because he was too blinded by his own that looked different, while simultaneously comparing Gabriel’s life-long treatment of him and Adrien.

And since Gabriel has probably always treated him unfairly and “worse” than Adrien in Félix’ eyes (which was probably primarily more arrogant indifference from Gabriel’s side while treating Adrien as a golden boy) Félix then most likely thought that HE was the one truly in danger of Gabriel because he isnt Adrien, when Gabriel in actuality probably wouldnt have paid his nephew alot of mind at all and would have had included him automatically in the new reality for Adrien’s sake if - ironically - Félix’ hadnt involved himself and made himself a thorn in Gabriel’s side by now out of (UNDERSTANDABLE) fear and paranoia.

So yeah, still: Fuck Gabriel.

But back to Félix’ possible abuse from his father and how that blinded him to Adrien’s:

(No, I’m not forgetting Amelie and EMILIE, this is just getting WAY too much for this one post. The three mother figures of this family (Emilie, Amelie and Nathalie) are the crucial puzzle pieces in the Agreste’s & Graham de Vanily’s narrative. I’m gonna tackle that in posts dedicated to them specifically)

If Félix for example was more physically abused with open disdain from Colt Fathom than emotionally manipulated, used and gaslit out of “love”, then he would have a hard time at first (especially if he’s UNWILLING to see it) to understand or even just recognize to certain degree all the red flags of that what Gabriel is doing to Adrien resultes/d in emotional scars so bad that Adrien was/is pretty much suicidal at times and spend most of the show stuck in his mental and emotional escapism as Chat Noir (Still, I’m also pretty sure Félix SHOULD have been the ONE person who SHOULD have recognized the resemblance between Adrien Agreste and Chat Noir, the same way Félix was able to recognize Gabriel as Shadowmoth. But ironically, for that he was too blinded by his victim-blaming of Shadowmoths SON)

And if Félix only has ONE amok object and that means whoever wore it (his father) has 100% control over him, then he could (have) significantly underestimate(d) how BAD the emotional toll on Adrien would have been all his life when he always had TWO objects and that - I must assume - resulted in two 50/50 control holds over him:

(Disclaimer at this point: The show is very consistently exploring 3 unique ways for Adrien, Félix and Kagami in how the same peacock amok control resulted in very individual abuse situations for each of them. The amok abuse is not inconsistend or poorly explained, it was never meant to be a 1 for 3 explaination the same way you cant generalize ONE case of parental abuse for ALL existing abused kids. The show is treating this as legit child abuse the way it should. And yes, I will elaborate on all of that in ALOT more detail in future.)

Meaning only Adrien’s action and emotional compliance can be controlled but not his emotions themselves, which I see no reason to not be the default for Sentihuman who only have one object. Meaning for example, that if Colt Fathom didnt wanted Félix to care about any kind of bond with another person his age but his cousin, then Félix simply would have never felt the desire to have friends and therefore also never learnt how to handle the emotional pain of not getting to have them as Adrien was “allowed to”. Adrien didnt get to have friends either, but I suppose unless you wear BOTH his rings no order about forbidding him to have friends would have stopped him from still feeling the longing to have them anyway.

So Adrien’s sounds “better enough” on surface level - which is all Félix would have seen - but its actually massively fucked up bc the clash between Adrien’s natural emotions and the actions his body and mind are forced to obey would quickly beat a young childs mind into misery and helpless fawning on their own expense just to mentally survive that constant invasion of their mind by TWO sources they cant explain to themselves.

Adrien may have been “allowed” to still have emotions but his living conditions would have quickly turned that into emotional agony because Adrien would still be forced to burry everything deep inside that clashes with his parents orders, or whenever he thinks that his behavior or voiced desires would lead to him being shut down again. Its a malicious circle that pretty much accurately represents the normal cycle of emotional oppression within “regular” emotional child abuse.

Not that being 100% controlled physically and emotionally bc of having just ONE amok is in any way “better” (Holy shit, nah!, and I’ll get to Félix’ and Kagami’s abuse in their own posts), but I cant imagine having TWO the way Adrien does as anything short of mental and emotional oppression & exhaution at best - since Adrien ever since infanthood would always have to FEEL the pain of his orders directly going against something that would make him happy/ one of his basic needs and yet he has to submit to it anyway - or basically torment at worst.

Cause can you imagine if Gabriel’s and Nathalie’s contradicting orders in “Protection” would CLASH in the same moment?? GOSH!!!

This pretty much emotionally ripped Adrien back and forth between the two wearers of his amok rings the ENTIRE TIME ever since BIRTH, which would perfectly explain why Adrien is so emotionally repressed, resilient to impossible levels and instandly tends/tended to remain in denial and fawn or submit as copying mechanism. That would have been the only way he could have mentally survived TWO PEOPLE controlling him at once against his own emotions ever since he was a BABY.

I’d say its a reality check on THIS caliber that made Félix pull a 180 regarding his attitude towards Adrien - again, most likely through Nathalie (who I think would be the most logical person for Adrien now to choose to tell his secret Identity to if he needs help in managing to keep his secret save from his father) and SHE would get Félix involved because he’s aware of Gabriel, has the peacock miraculous and KNOWS what pain Sentihumans go through. But honestly, anything in this direction is guessing into pitch darkness lol.

I have so, SO much more to say on how the control of Sentihumans works but especially Adrien’s unique case of him having TWO objects. I’ve been analysing the Agreste houshold in this regard since around the beginning of s4, but that definitely deserves its own massive post(s) the same way Kagami’s abuse via amok ring (which she got to wear ever since AFTER her debut episode “Riposte”) deserves it own post seperated from Félix’ and this one here.

This is getting SO interesting, I’m LIVING for this scale of fucked up story telling! I just wished we would get it in the right chronological order so I can look at it with all the NEEDED context, Gloob, come ON!

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pretty-chaotic-world · 7 months

Text

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining.

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

#bpd #bpd awareness #personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #mental illness #mental health #mental instability

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bapouro · 26 days

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If you have the time and if it’d be fun at all, can you talk about how going to school for art is/was? Like what was bad about it but what did it make you realize about why you create? What was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? I’m just curious because I really only got into art after college age.

ive finally handed in my final project ever last friday and after somewhat recovering i can now answer u. (ill put an aside here that before i started uni, i saw a lot of the online umming and awing about art school and it being a scam etc that made me nervous going into it. i dont really think it has been for me but keep in mind im doing this in the uk. i think if i was in the usa or somewhere where it was that expensive i think youd get just about as many benefits going to somewhere like a community college instead. its worth a bit of money but not a lot of money.)

i realised while turning over your questions in my head last week how much doing my degree (illustration undergrad) during covid lockdown, illustrated (haha) the point art school had for me. and the point being that after trying to stick it out for the first few terms during lockdown, i deferred, i didnt really see the point i had already spent my entire life making art in my bedroom online for free, without somebody telling me what to do. practically what that degree offered me was physical facilities and resources, but really what i wanted it for was that vague miasma of drive and something bigger than myself to physically 'prove' myself to. i was and still am very interested in that gap between the online environment i learnt art within that felt a world away from my 'real life', and coming to meet with that 'real life' was kind of my goal. i needed both to meet on a very basic level for my quality of life. and id say i succeeded. twice now somebody i was originally mutuals with online turned out to be in my class. i live with one of them now. and i feel some pride now looking back on how much i felt like i had to separate my 'school' art and my 'personal' art during secondary school and now theyre practically one and the same. in fact one piece of advice ive kept with me from the uni tutors here is they consistently wish the students wouldnt 'hold back' so much on the kind of work they make: one of my friends, the one i now live with, was doing a tasteful furry pinup statue for a project and one of the tutors essentially asked them why the statue was being so sexually subtle with it, for example.

so what was bad about it! man... thinking about it the same reason i gave for why i came back after lockdown could also point out how flippant the reasoning was. its still a lot of time and effort let alone money to be putting into something that you dont Need an institution for. and art and academia, as much as you might try, arent going to be as neatly married as maybe STEM and academia. not that there isnt a place for it. we need it in there. but basically your work still has to get 'graded' on things so they can prove themselves as an institution so they can still get money to run. i ''apreciated'' the deadline part, for what it was, because i was(/am) a serial put-er off-er and i knew i needed something big to try and train me out of it. but the actual mark scheme and trying to work off of it is never not going to be nebulous. what the hell does it mean to 'demonstrate my awareness of the changing landscape of contemporary illustration' graded between 0 - 100 via a 3d animation. ive done pretty well. sometimes id get top marks. a couple times i wouldnt even pass and id have to do it again. the only pattern i could really see between what got those marks for me and what didnt was effort? so take with that what you will.

yea that being said, what it helped me realise why i create... i am thankful my particular course at my particular uni is so into their experimentation / medium diversity. because it proved to me again that experimenting is something i love to do. i could keep doing it forever maybe. but that also made me realise after trying to do that project after project that its only one part of the enjoyment. i couldnt sink my teeth in as much as i wanted. part of why im glad to leave is im glad to try and focus on just a few things now. take a project at my pace... reeeally get way too into it. hopefully.

what was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? mm.. i think getting to see a lot of the behind the scenes and the people actually doing illustration as a job kind of softened my glare on some art styles / ways of working i dislike. not that i Like them now but that kind of flat illustrator thing.. for some people it really is more of a job than anything else. i think thats fine. theres all kinds of other art to enjoy outside of their 9-5. i just hope they like it too. but of course it does set a precedent for what clients expect/what you feel like you should be making..? oh also i did actually end up really enjoying the couple of art essays we needed to write. reading cultural/art/etc pdf essays was something i already liked to do like reading baudrillard and ellen dissanayake and things but it was great to actually get to apply it in writing. and i think it certainly became more digestible to realise that these kinds of writers and this kind of writing wasnt some hard to penerate academia i couldnt be a part of really but turned out to be writing about things that already applied to life, whether i went to uni or not. really the whole experience... for me i felt like it was just something i needed to do. if anything just to get away from my family and make my own life. im glad i did it. but really art is art no matter where you find it. uni gave me a push to go further, i could sit around and say i couldve done it without uni but i think we overestimate ourselves. i think i couldve but i bet it wouldve taken longer and i may have experimented less, challenged myself less. who knows. just dont ever let something like that put you off art, it will always find you again eventually. im glad you got into it too.

#ive not even graduated yet so im sure ill have a lot more thoughts on it soon when ive turned it over more #but theese are the fresh ones

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skiiyoomin · 1 year

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Hiiii, I saw u want requests so here it is !

What about, domestic & sub Gojo ? (NSFW)

In wich he distract you while you're playing video games, bc he's needy and wanna make his Significant Other feel good. By eating her out and all, sub Gojo really wants her attention and doing more.

Or it can just be fluff where he wants to hold you in his arms and doesn't want you to get out of bed.

Dunno if it's good, hope you like the idea !

OMG YES. SUB GOJO >>> I lowkey picture Gojo as a bratty sub

ok ok i wanna challenge myself and try writing NSFW since i've never done it before. It' s been a while since i actually wrote something other than headcanons, so if this flops just know i tried :,)

I TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. If you see something I can work on PLEASE TELL ME

warnings: smut, IMPLIED FEM READER

RULES !! DO NOT COPY OR REPOST MY WORK PLEASE

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NEEDY | GOJO SATORU

"Babyyy"

"One second Toru"

One second. That's what you've been saying for the past hour and yet there were no signs of you wanting to move from your spot in front of the computer. That damn computer.

Gojo huffed in annoyance. He'd been feeling needy all day, wanting your undivided attention, but what did you want to do? Play video games, and that's exactly what you did, barely sparing him as much as a glance.

Fine. If he had to fight for your attention then that's exactly what he was gonna do.

Hopping off the bed, he gripped the back your chair, swiveling it around to face him. "Toru what are you doing??" Without a word he plopped onto your lap, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck. Placing the controller on the desk behind you, you placed your now free hands on his back, rubbing circles against it. "Baby what's up with you?" A soft whine escaped his throat in response. "Darling you gotta use your words for me" "Mm wanna make you feel good" There was a long pause as you suddenly stopped your soft movements against his back.

Gojo was starting to believe he did something wrong when you suddenly grabbed a fistful of his hair, pushing him away from the spot on your neck to look at him properly. You gazed up at him, a dark lustful tint in your eyes. "You wanna make me feel good?" You questioned with an almost mocking tone in your voice. Gojo couldn't help the visible shiver that ran down his spine, feeling the tingles go straight to his cock. "Fine then, get on the bed" He eagerly shuffled off of your lap, anxiously waiting for your next order.

Crawling onto the bed, you swung a leg over his torso, placing yourself atop his abdomen. Looking up at you, he felt his breath catch in his throat. To him, you looked like a goddess, looking down at him, ready to devour what's yours. In one quick movement you threw your shirt off, throwing it carelessly to the side. Gojo couldn't help but slide his hands along the sides of your waist, feeling the dip and curves. These gestures, however, were stopped abruptly when you snatched his hands and pinned them on either side of his head, leaning over him as you smirked down at his helpless state.

Teasingly, you bent right above his lips, your hot breaths morphing into one. He glanced down at your lips, licking his own in anticipation, then looked back up at you, pleadingly begging for what he so desperately longed for. Finally, you gave into his wishes, pressing your mouth into his own, creating a sensual and passionate kiss. It wasn't long before your tounges mixed together, leaving you both breathless and in need for more. Pulling away, you wordlessly climed off his torso, removing the rest of your garments off. Gojo stared, mouth agape and cock becoming growingly uncomfortable in his jeans. "You know, I don't think it's fair I'm the only one naked" You teased, successfully snapping Gojo out of his daze.

"I want to eat you out" He claimed, now fully naked. You stared up at him in what could only be desire "Then what are you waiting for" He crawled onto the bed again, now switching position with him leaning over you. His breath tickled your neck as he pressed hungry kisses trailing them down until he reached your core. He glanced up at you as he pressed a teasing kiss on your inner thigh eliciting a soft gasp from you, however his teasing didn't last longer as his own desire to make you feel good overwhelmed his senses.

Taking your legs in his hands, he licked a long stripe from your aching hole to your clit causing a moan to rip from your throat. This only encouraged him further as he continuously abused your bundle of nerves, tearing moan after moan from you. A particularly loud moan escaped you as Gojo moved from your clit to your hole, pushing his wet muscle in you. Despite his jaw beginning to sore, he continued his rapid motions, eager to make you reach your peak.

"F-Fuck! Toru!!" You arched your back, gripping Gojos' hair, making said man groan in pain and pleasure. The vibrations from his throat sent you over the edge as your eyes rolled back, screaming out his name in ecstasy, seeing nothing but white for a hot second.

Panting, you looked down at your lover licking the remnants of cum off his lips with a giddy grin. He rightened himself, leaning over you to press a sweet kiss on your lips. "Was it good?" He softly asked, you couldn't help the chuckle rumbling from you, "It was more than good" You looked down, noticing his still rock hard cock. Smirking up at him, you exclaimed "I don't think we're done here though"

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CLIFFHANGER LMAO

that's all imma write for now, the rest is up to your imagination ;D

honestly i just wanted to use this and experiment a little bit since it's my first time writing smut

i said this before and i'll say it again. IF YOU NOTICE SOMETHING I CAN WORK ON DONT BE AFRAID TO TELL ME I NEED CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

and no you wont hurt my feelings dw, i wanna improve my writing so it would be of great help if yall could point things out!!

anyways i really hope you liked this, i put A LOT of thought and effort into this!!

anyways bye!

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claralouvette · 1 year

Text

💖Fall into place Hawks/ Keigo Takami x Reader

Synopsis💞

you escaped from your abusive relationship for the cost of your wings, you try to find new ways to live your life in a new country you tried different jobs and gigs here and there and thankfully you were able to get your life back together. But when you meet a certain someone your life just begins to have a different romantic turn.

❤️Part 2 (cancelled)

❤️Barely proof read (0%)

Masterlist

Taglist: @mysideeffectsofyou

🌺Without your wings you struggle to materialize charm powders from dusts, essentially you needed your wings to convert dust from the surrounding environment creating a very effective charms that can provide various posibilities, without them its was a huge difficulty. Thankfully you could still create them but not in an amount you used to.

🌺With the help of you parents leave this horrible place they search for a country for you to hide in, they found a perfect country and in no time you are now boarding one ship which is destined to travel on the said country. In such a short time of goodbyes, crying you whispered “until we see each outher again, my dear family.”

🌺Leaving your old life behind, you try to find new ways to improve your life style, and what better way to start that journey on Japan!

🌺From what you heard, Japan is famous for having the most secured protection from any crimes and villains. No wonder your parents chose this country, Japan was the best choice to escape him.

🌺Getting your life together was not easy thankfully there were a lot of different jobs and side gigs that helped you through not the way. On your free time, you became fond of doing knitting/crocheting, book binding and the mighty creative writing. Then later realized that you love the feeling of being able to create scenarios out of pure imagination.

🌺weeks and months have passed by, your life is turning out alright your able to find a stable job as a janitor on a nearby café shop, its just a simple job, have to keep a low profile after all. On your freetime, oh you just love doing anything, you love crocheting scarfts and sweaters, or creating new fanfictions, people online seem to adored about your writings and Fanfiction.

🌺you have to admit you werent pretty confident about your writing skills, but you feel inspired and quite happy doing it. The funs of being able to write things from imaginations, oh how you wish you have a quirk that could help turn Fiction to reality.

🌺A day after, everything was well until your co-worker turned up the tv on the cafe to hear the news. Oh you wished they didn’t do that because you are now filled with fear and dread. It was about a missing person on a specific area…. AND THAT MISSING PERSON IS ABOUT YOU. You froze panicking.

🌺its no time to panic. Relaxing, keeping your composure confident. ‘ The audacity of this man thinking they could go play innocent, and go looking for me, nice try’ you thought, it was a good thing you don’t have the most recognizable feature which was your translucent wings. Changing the overall appearance definitely helped too.

🌺You thought that confidence would stick by? Think again when there is literally guards and a former hero in-front of your door steps.

“U-uh how may I help you?”

He introduced himself as the former wiged hero: hawks, Inviting the man into your home to ask a few questions. The men went on to interview you about the missing person, you lied your way by saying ‘ oh i barely go outside’ and ‘i havent really seen her around despite working nearby.’

Thankfully he bought the lie and you were able to peacefully see the man out of your flat. Wishing to never see any person like him or him ever again.

🌺Sadly your wishes has not been heard. ‘why??? Why is he here?’ You thought, You were cleaning out the recently used table by the customers, then you saw the familiar man who interviewed you the other day ordering a coffee in the counter seemingly flirting at the barista, until he caught you staring with a mortified face. “Oh, hey there kid, fancy seeing you here!” He said.

🌺Eventually after the second encounter, he doesn’t want to ever leave you alone. Everyday, he would visit the cafe and have a small chit chat with you, sometimes being caught typing and continuing you fanfic during your breaks and teased you about it. In the end, you ended up warming up to him and see him as your friend.

You just hope that you made the right decision letting him into your life like that.

🌺Little did you know to Keigo your just another mission, he was one of the men along side with other heroes assigned to find this missing person from another country. Apparently, she’s the fiancé very rich business man who filed the report. However, he thinks that the man is suspicious and something was odd about the company he was running too. He needed to know who was in the right and the wrong.

🌺he wanted to investigate, to know why would you leave your fiancé, did you guys fight? Did some drama happen? this is why he is not interested in a love life its too much of a headache. He just needed to earn your trust and finish this investigation already. When he got closer to you thats when he learned about your story.

🌺it didnt take long to earn your trust, not long after he is hanging out on your flat. Not being aware he actually enjoyed hanging out with you. One time he was driving back to his agency then he caught a glimpse of a flower on a shop and immediately hit the breaks. Looking at the flower reminds him of you. He was about to buy it but stopped. Reminding himself that you are a just mission that needed to be investigated.

🌺He felt bad, so bad. You invited him to share an afternoon tea with you, you told him that it was a tradition back in your hometown that if you invite someone to drink a tea with you it means you trust them for friendship. He felt glad, but felt so guilty because a day before that, he stole this one book on your shelf that you book bind yourself and told him not to touch it.

Still feeling guilty, sitting in the middle of his office, in-front of him was the book that you told him not to touch and look 👀. ‘This is for the investigation’ he thought and opens it.

🌺it has been weeks since the last time you’ve seen your friend. It might have caused you to worry about him. Until you heard a knock on your door. When you opened it, it revealed keigo, with a sad look.

🌺He opens up to you, he opened up to you about everything. The book he read, the book you made, based from his investigation of you, it was you story. Everything is fall into place, he wanted to protect you, your not just some mission to him anymore. He learned about how the men you used loved manipulated you, clipped your wings, forced you into making dust for the company to be succesful.

🌺When he told you everything, honestly you saw this coming, your not stupid, you knew he would use you for information but it was your decision to let him be. You trust him that he wont turn you in, you know deep down he is a good guy. You made some research about him too yunno.

🌺keigo expected you to cry, to be angry at him for doing what he did, but you didn’t, you just smiled. You let him in your flat and hugged him in between your chest, its a bit awkward that caused keigo to blush but it felt so right. You thanked him for telling the truth. “You could’ve just asked me” you said, giving him a small bottle with a dark blue dust he asked you what it is, you told him to pour the dust into the book, and he did, seconds after he was seeing everything that was written on the book, seeing what you’ve been through.

🌺After he finished you asked him “what now?” He told you that he will tell endeavor about his new found data, and that he will never hand you over and protect you.

🌺After that he started visiting you day by day, updating you about the missions and what they have gathered, from a missing person report turned into a full blown crime investigation. Hours have passed you guys have finished hanging out and before Keigo left, he for some reason gave you some stones saying that ‘it reminded me of you’ then flew off hiding the blush on his face.

🌺In return of his weird gifts, you created 2 dust mixing it together on a small necklace jar. Presenting it to him, you explained that this necklace has special features on it, for one it give you good luck. “This necklace give you good luck so your missions and investigation will have a bountiful outcome!” You explained. You also tell him that you mixed a dreaming dust so that after a tiring day he will be able to have a good rest and dreams.

🌺keigo knew the condition of your quirk, he was actually touched that he could kiss you right now. But, despite that he told you “you didn’t have to do this, i know how difficult it is to use your quirk now.” But you wanted to, and you hugged him and he hugged you back so gently and lovingly.

🌺its a peaceful day, you were just knitting while keigo is reading some of your fanfic on your thighs, you guys became very touchy with one another despite being friends. Or so you thought keigo here is actually planning to date you fufufu. When you told him that some of your romantic fiction are based from your cringy desired relationship goals, he was like “I don’t care how cringe are they, let. Me .read them.” You jut though he likes romance and all.

Everything was peaceful until a phone call disturbed both of your moment bringing some horrible news.

🌺it really was a horrible news your ex, your captor is in the country. You could just keep calm, you cant think striaght, you were hyper ventilating, keigo kept on calling out to you but you cant seem to hear him so he hugged you and whispering that you’ll be fine.

🌺the man looking for you was in rage, but thankfully you have people on your side that can pull out the uno reverse card. Keigo found and gathered every evidence he needed for the man to be in jail. An evidence of selling drugs, illegal weapons, and human trafficking. Thanks to your good luck charm keigo sees how important it is to keep you safe.

🌺A year have passed, and your life has never been better. You became a novelist thanks to keigo motivating you, and met new friends mainly they were keigo’s friends and some students at UA high.

🌺Meanwhile keigo is having a cold feet, he’s been meaning to confess to you, his heart is longing for you, he feels like a highschool fanboy being a hopeless romantic, whining whenever his idea of confessing to you is cliché. Then just a second which felt like being hit by a wall of bricks, he thought of a perfect gift for you. He went to his computer, search something, then went on to dial something on the his phone.

Author's note: I admit this was horribly written, I barely have any time because of college and also I'm very rusty. I'm sorry if this has a messy plot line.

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