#i keep telling myself that we will outlive them
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thinking about how fucking resilient Jews are.
thinking about my great grandparents in romania, raised in a land colonized by the same empire that sent them to the balkans, still working as tailors and butchers like their ancestors had for generations.
thinking about them stowing away on ships to america so their children could live to see adulthood.
thinking about how many other five foot two bookworms have been in my family. i know i’m not the first, and i certainly hope i won’t be the last.
thinking about how many seders my family has held throughout history, how many “next year in jerusalem”s were shouted. it hasn’t happened yet, but maybe it will.
thinking about the women who passed down kabbalah to their children while witches burned in the next village over. how many mothers kept literal magic alive.
thinking about how every single person that lived before me, every branch of my family tree, had to choose to survive. living has always been in the present progressive for Jews; every breath they took was a choice to fight just a little longer.
i come from people who survived the spanish inquisition, the soviet union, the Shoah, the judeo-roman wars, ottoman imperialism, the rise and fall of so many empires i cannot name them all, and the only uniting factor is them. they taught their toddlers the sh’ma and lit candles and read books and sewed clothes and spun linen and cured meat and davened and smiled and laughed and they did that for two thousand years. ten years ago i became the first bat mitzvah in my family line. the first woman in my family to read from the torah.
i hope they’re proud. i hope i was worth it for them.
#jumblr#big feelings!#jewish joy#i refuse to assimilate for goyische comfort#i am jewish and i will always be jewish and i always have been jewish and my children will be jewish and their children will be jewish#we will not disappear because our existence complicates your worldview#i am not a jew with trembling knees#ngl i cried while writing this#im just so tired of proving my humanity day in and day out#i keep telling myself that we will outlive them#we will outlive their hatred#i will keep my door open like avraham and sarah and i will let them sit at my table when they are ready#i will not let their hatred make me hateful
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hurt/comfort statements that hit me right in the feels.
pardon me please, i'm just having a moment. possible tw for suicidal ideation and references to death and loss.
bonus points for specifying a scenario!
from those who are struggling.
❝ i never thought i'd ever make it this far. ❞
❝ ... when were you going to tell me about this? ❞
❝ i don't ever want you to die. please ... don't die ... ❞
❝ we had our whole lives planned out. ❞
❝ i just can't, it's too much. it's too fucking much. ❞
❝ losing him/her/them was the cruelest thing i've ever experienced. ❞
❝ people say things like, 'you're going green with envy', or 'there's smoke coming out of your ears'. you think they'd come up with a statement like that that describes someone who's in constant pain like this ... ? ❞
❝ sometimes you need to make room for grief. make time for it. embrace it. it's all i've been doing as of late. ❞
❝ how is it possible to hurt this much when nothing's wrong? ❞
❝ drowning in sadness is more fulfilling than drowning in pleasure these days. ❞
❝ it's hard to let go of the fact that i'm probably going to outlive everyone else in my life. ❞
❝ i've already lost everything near and dear to my heart. everything except for you. ❞
❝ i'm just so tired. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. ❞
❝ i was so close to giving up once. ❞
❝ i don't want him/her/them to die alone. i'd never forgive myself. ❞
❝ please, don't go ... i just need to feel your arms around me ... ❞
❝ there's a reason why i hide my emotions locked in a metal cage so deep in my heart. it's so i won't get hurt like this again. ❞
❝ i've always had to deal with these kinds of things alone. i don't need your help. ❞
❝ it was my fault. i did this to him/her/them ... ❞
❝ i can't even see my future anymore. i don't want to. ❞
❝ there's no way i could possibly be this important to you. ❞
❝ if i lose him/her/them, then there'll be nothing else for me to live for. ❞
❝ i don't see a point anymore. in going on, i mean. ❞
❝ time won't slow down. it never does. i had to learn that the hard way early on. ❞
❝ go away ... please, just go away. ❞
from those offering support.
❝ ... i'm sorry. i'm so, so fucking sorry that you had to lose him/her/them. ❞
❝ it wasn't your fault. you did everything you could. ❞
❝ just remember they'll always be in your heart. ❞
❝ i don't know what to say to make you feel better, but ... i'm here for you, if that means anything. ❞
❝ believe it or not ... i know how you feel. i've been through this exact same thing. ❞
❝ he/she/they loved you. he/she/they loved you so much. trust me ... i know. ❞
❝ you're not alone. i promise you, you're not alone. ❞
❝ don't worry, i'll stay. i'm not going anywhere. ❞
❝ you've been through so much ... be kind to yourself. please. ❞
❝ it's okay to cry. you don't have to hide your emotions around me. ❞
❝ you don't have to talk to me. hell, you don't even have to look at me. but, please ... give me a sign that you're hearing what i have to say. ❞
❝ please ... don't tell me that you'd choose to spend eternity up there with him/her/them over an eternity with me ... ❞
❝ you're grieving. it's an understandable reaction. but you should rest. you've been overexerting yourself far too much lately. ❞
❝ the man/woman/person who you lost, who loved you ... he/she/they wouldn't want to see you doing this to yourself. ❞
❝ crying is your body's way of telling you that you've been keeping everything in for way too long. so let it out. you're safe here. ❞
❝ sadness is like an ocean. sometimes we drown in it, but other times, we're forced to swim in it. ❞
❝ as long as i'm here, you'll never not have anyone ever again. ❞
❝ i hope you know that you can talk to me about anything at all. share anything you need to get off your chest. i'm here for you. ❞
❝ love is often felt the most in your favorite memories. honor him/her/them by remembering all the happiness he/she/they gave you. ❞
❝ if you don't feel strong right now, then you don't have to be strong. it's okay to be vulnerable, weak, scared, and sad. ❞
#rp ask memes#rp ask meme#rp memes#rp meme#rp starters#rp starter#ask meme#ask memes#angst prompt#angst prompts#angst meme#angst memes#tw: suicidal ideation#tw: sui ideation#tw: implied death#tw: death#angst#memes#mine#ask to tag
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i have finally sat down and did the math so here’s all the speak now songs and what marauders ship i think of for each and what lyric stands out to me
Mine - wolfstar - braced myself for the goodbye ‘cause that's all I've ever known then you took me by surprise you said, "I'll never leave you alone"
Sparks fly - jegulus - it's just wrong enough to make it feel right
Back to december - jegulus - you gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye
Speak now - nobleflower - you wish it was me, you wish it was me dont you
Dear john - lily about snape - you are an expert at “sorry” and keeping lines blurry
Mean - mary’s theme song - someday i’ll be big enough so you cant hit me (her outliving all the people who tormented her)
The story of us - black brothers - this is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less but I liked it better when you were on my side
Never grow up - black brothers/black sisters - I won't let nobody hurt you won't let no one break your heart and even though you want to please, try to never grow up
Enchanted - pandalily - my thoughts will echo your name until i see you again
Better than revenge - rosekiller (in their toxic era) - you might have him but i always get the last word
Innocent - regulus’ theme song - today is never too late to be brand new
Haunted - jegulus - stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had but I still mean every word I said to you
Last Kiss - jegulus - And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
Long Live - marauders to each other - I had the time of my life with you
Ours - marylily - seems like there's always someone who disapprove they'll judge it like they know about me and you and the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do the jury's out, but my choice is you
Superman - (not marauders but) drarry - And you'll leave, got places to be, and I'll be okay I always forget to tell you, "I love you" I loved you from the very first day
Electric touch - dorlene - all I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life and I want you now, wanna need you forever
When emma falls in love - james’ theme song - when Emma falls apart, it's when she's alone she takes on the pain and bears it on her own cause when Emma falls in love, she's in it for keeps she won't walk away unless she knows she absolutely has to leave
I can see you - jegulus - and I could see you being my addiction you can see me as a secret mission
Castles crumbling - sirius after the prank - power went to my head and I couldn't stop ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off and here I sit alone behind walls of regret falling down like promises that I never kept
Foolish one - rosekiller - you will say you had the best of intentions and maybe I will finally learn my lesson
Timeless - jily - I'm gonna love you when our hair is turnin' gray we'll have a cardboard box of photos of the life we've made and you'll say, "Oh my, we really were timeless"
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the rest of this won't be finished for a while so here's the intro to lucia fic 2. or something
“I want to go home,” Nicolò says one night, twenty-three years into their immortality. Yusuf is halfway asleep, lulled by the gentle tapping of the rain on the window of their room and Nicolò’s fingers lightly skimming the skin of his shoulder, up and down, but when he speaks Yusuf is suddenly decidedly awake.
He is a little surprised, if only because Nicolò has never really spoken about his family before, and certainly never brought up the idea of going back. It’s not as if they haven’t talked about it before. They’d spent a long time in Mahdia, with Yusuf’s family, until the whispers about Yusuf’s apparent lack of aging had grown inescapable. It has been a while since they had to leave, but Yusuf still dreams about his father’s face the day they left.
Perhaps that is why Nicolò waits to mention it. Perhaps he, too, is thinking about the fact that they will likely outlive everyone else they know.
“My mother and father are almost certainly dead,” Nicolò continues, almost conversationally. “But my sister – she would be almost seventy, if I have calculated correctly.”
Yusuf turns his head to look up at him, but Nicolò doesn’t meet his eyes. He has mentioned his sister before, but, like the rest of his family, he hasn’t talked about her often.
“She may have passed already,” Nicolò says. “But if – if there is a chance, and I do not at least try to see her again – I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.”
“We can go,” Yusuf offers. “Whenever you want.” There’s nothing really keeping them here – they’d only ended up in Valletta after a job protecting a merchant ship had carried them to the island, and they’d liked it enough that neither of them wanted to leave right away. Yusuf could see himself growing to love this place, with time; maybe they will return someday.
Nicolò hums.
“Tell me about her?” Yusuf asks. He knows only her name, from the earliest days of their acquaintance. Lucia.
Nicolò sighs. For a while, he is silent.
“Lucia travelled three days to try and convince me to stay, when I told her I was going to Jerusalem,” he says. “My father had sent me away, because I had embarrassed him, and he wanted me far enough away that people would forget. She didn’t know how to read, but when I wrote to her anyway, she learned. And then she learned to write, so she could reply.” Nicolò looks up at the ceiling. Yusuf knows parts of this story already, but not the full thing.
“I should have written, or – or something,” Nicolò says. “She must think I died in Jerusalem.”
Yusuf does not know what to say to that, so he says nothing. Finally, Nicolò looks at him, and Yusuf kisses his shoulder.
“We can leave in the morning,” Yusuf says, quiet. Genoa isn't too far, by boat – he's sure they'll be able to find passage somehow, even if it's just to the mainland.
Nicolò nods. And so it is decided: they leave Malta the next day.
#neon writes#i am not sure what i'm doing with pov here. might split it between yusuf / nicolò#we'll see. anyway. idk when there'll be more but ill toss the full thing onto ao3 when it's done#lucia di genova
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OK SO I DO THESE ALL THE TIME IN MY HEAD SO IM GOING TO OVER ANALYSE THIS SONG!
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story, Hamilton
Let me tell you what I wish I'd known/ When I was young and dreamed of glory
- awesome reference to other parts of the show
You have no control/ Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?
- sung by the character President Washington, who has had his story told many times over, with no control of it. Basically the embodiment of this quote
President Jefferson/ I'll give him this, his financial system is a work of genius/ I couldn't undo it if I tried/ And I've tried
- this is talking about what Hamilton did, so Im not a fan really
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?
- we still don't know who tells Hamiltons story
President Madison/ He took our country from bankruptcy to prosperity/ I hate to admit it/ But he doesn't get enough credit for all the credit he gave us
- he isn't talked about much, despite what he did to America
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story
- who does?
Every other founding fathers' story gets told/ Every other founding father gets to grow old
- his story is hardly ever mentioned
And when you're gone, who remembers your name?/ Who keeps your flame?/ Who tells your story?/ Who tells your story?/ Who tells your story?/ I put myself back in the narrative
- that's the question. When you're gone who will keep your memory alive. When you have no control, who will get to choose how you will be remembered?
(Eliza)
- and now I'm crying. Despite everything that happened, his wife told the world who he was. She needs her own musical imo
I stop wasting time on tears/ I live another 50 years/ It's not enough (Eliza)
- she had a long life and she used it for good, even though she had massive heartbreak throughout.
I interview every soldier who fought by your side/(She tells our story)
- She made everyone's history known! I love Eliza sm I swear
I try to make sense of your thousands of pages of writings/ You really do write like you're running out of time
- cheeky lil reference here, I see you lin Manuel
I rely on Angelica/ While she's alive, we tell your story/ She is buried in Trinity Church near you/ When I needed her most, she was right on time
- they had their differences, but when they needed eachother they were there.
And I'm still not through/ I ask myself, what would you do if you had more time The Lord, in his kindness/ He gives me what you always wanted/ He gives me more time
- reminder, Eliza lost her husband at 40 and lived for 50 more years. She had a lot of time for memories.
I raise funds in D.C. for the Washington Monument/(She tells my story)/ I speak out against slavery
- I cannot express how much of a girlboss she is
You could have done so much more if you only had time
- Hamilton was always moving, always on the go.
And when my time is up, have I done enough?/ Will they tell your story?
- despite everything, she doesn't know if it was good enough
Oh, can I show you what I'm proudest of?/ (The orphanage)/ I established the first private orphanage in New York City/ (The orphanage)/ I help to raise hundreds of children/ I get to see them growing up/ (The orphanage)
- she is so awesome, I can't
In their eyes I see you, Alexander/ I see you every time
- Hamilton's childhood was difficult, and Eliza setting up the orphanage is a way of fixing a problem that he had to go through.
And when my time is up/Have I done enough?/Will they tell your story?
- they didn't, until recently
Oh, I can't wait to see you again/It's only a matter of time
- *breaks into tears again*
Will they tell your story? (Time)/Who lives, who dies, who tells your story? (Time)/Will they tell your story? (Time)/Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?
- The question we all deal with. Does anything outlive us, really, truly outlive us, beyond tears?
Thank you very much! This has been Bea rambling about a song!
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"Mean It" (Villain song from "Stargazer")
To clarify: this is one of my villain songs. That's correct, ONE of them. I currently only have two (but maybe I'll do a duet). To follow with the radio sound I was going for, I kinda going for a pop-rock/alt pop vibe for this. I'd actually been putting this song on the backburner, but I felt inspired today! Note: I'm still working on Act I of my rewrite, and this is in 2 or 3 (haven't decided yet), so lyrics may change as I go on. I also made a little mood board at the bottom for the vibe I wanted to replicate.
(Verse 1)
You bought me flowers
When no one else could ever buy your time.
You bend to authority so easily,
I guess that's how I made you mine.
I said what I thought you'd like,
Turns out it's what you needed.
The illusion of autonomy,
Who cares? You like the way that you're treated,
But...
(Pre-chorus)
I tripped you up,
You fell in love,
Gave me your heart,
That wasn't smart!
Now it's all done,
I've had my fun,
You left your team,
Find a new dream!
(Chorus)
Promises, promises,
I tell you what you wanna hear.
How can you get it though your head?
We all want you to disappear!
Broken doll, marionette,
You've outlived all your usefulness.
You're a liability,
Trust me, I've seen it.
Think about the things I've told you.
All that praise, I didn't mean it!
(Verse 2)
I've got admirers for days,
What made you think that you were special?
All those years waiting in the wings,
You failed when I tested your mettle.
You hurt others to get ahead, can't say I blame you.
But what do you have to show for it?
Meaningless letters, a blissful kiss,
Your green eyes grew so wide.
Burn it all, send it back,
I don't care about the feelings you have inside.
So...
(Pre-chorus)
So look at them,
And then look at me
My friend or foe,
What does that mean?
I threw you out,
You crawled right back
I treated you like you did them
What good's a wolf without the pack?
(Do I get a discount? Hahaha!)
(Chorus)
Promises, promises,
I tell you what you wanna hear.
How can you get it though your head?
We all want you to disappear!
Broken doll, marionette,
You've outlived all your usefulness.
You're a liability,
Trust me, I've seen it.
Think about the things I've told you.
All that praise, I didn't mean it!
(Bridge)
My heart belongs to myself,
I put yours up on my shelf.
I wonder how it must've felt.
To have your frozen heart melt.
Red flames dance before my eyes,
I still remember it, to my surprise.
That fear, it makes you so small.
Now here I am, taking it all.
(Chorus)
Promises, promises,
I tell you what you wanna hear.
How can you get it though your head?
We all want you to disappear!
Broken doll, marionette,
You've outlived all your usefulness.
You're a liability,
Trust me, I've seen it.
Think about the things I've told you.
All that praise, I didn't mean it!
(Outro; slower)
If I came running to your arms
Crying with guilt from all the harm
I had to do to keep you far,
Would you buy it, that you're my star?
"I didn't mean it, let's forget
Nothing is written, nothing's set"
If you do, I hate you even more
Than I thought I ever could before.
But if you were crueler, more abusive,
Dedication, I could use it.
Make your destiny, let me see it,
And I'll be your queen,
This time I mean it.
Lemme know what you think! Like I said, revisions may happen, but when they do, I'll be sure to highlight it when I post the appropriate arc.
#disney#disney animation#disney villains#wish#mean it#olivia rodrigo#billie eilish#demi lovato#ashnikko#miley cyrus#rina sawayama#disney princess#disney wish
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i focus on piecing the fake flowers together into a stunning crown, gently and carefully, each delicate piece feeling real, even if removed from their rooted homes. my hands know suffering like a language in piercing words and phantom touches, although i do not let this endless agony define my strength whole as unholy and cruel. with you by my bruised side, i bring remnants of nature to make love for you to hold closely on your head, halo like, star blessed. in the spring evening, the space is full of vivid life while the many bees and birds continue to sing with the cool breeze. comfort exists deep and long between us. it is enough for you to break the silence. ❝ have i endured loneliness with grace ? ❞ you ask like i know what loneliness is, aware of some stories that have told you my suffering, made of voices or scars.
i do know loneliness well like it is my old friend, as life and death, nature and time. loneliness sits with me even in a room full of people. it lingers by me when i am alone. it acts and thinks and behaves like me, but in the worst images of god's makings. you are asking me this through a bare whisper and from the inquiry alone, i can sense you are painfully familiar with it as well, a terrible thing taking after many ghosts that you can not outlive despite your never lasting strength and speed. this question is a proof that you are ruined by it, just like me. i leave the flower crown alone so i can touch your hands, playing with the lines on your palms. it is meant to be an act of comfort. a cherishing around you despite your vulpine horrors. i hold your hands and keep them close against my chest, my heart, my love. i feel everything of you.
❝ you are enduring loneliness with the best of yourself, ❞ i gently respond to you, my gaze soft. ❝ either as a form of grace or violence, i want you to know that you are doing the most that you can in the end. believe me, i can see that well, ahri. ❞ because how can anyone be able to endure loneliness without feeling like they should not exist at all in the end ? tell me that is it truly possible that any of us can endure loneliness without being most violent to ourselves at least this ugly once ? you are teeth and thorns, my beloved spirit of nature, beautiful and deadly and mythical all at once. i can understand if it is difficult for you to endure tenderly when your life is most of blood and deaths. i know for myself with my life full of blistering flames and god slaughtering stars, i killed to feel alive for the first time. i was the loneliest child.
i let go of your hands so i can complete the flower crown, my hands now shaky from the recall of my own deepest loneliness. ask me about loneliness and i will tell you how as a child, i would often want to be held in flames and storms just to feel whole. forgive me. my endurance can be horrifying too. ❝ i don't know when i will die, ❞ i say this quietly, almost finishing the headband, ❝ but for as long as i can be alive, i am always here for you. even at the face of your own horrors, i won't abandon you. you deserve so much more, @vulpesse. ❞ my eyes sting and the shapes blur before me. i still smile at you, silently crying from my own deeply felt emotions, this violent hope that i can be with you for as many times and as long as i can breathe. i place the flower crown on your head, more of my love in your life. we are not alone.
❝ however you do anything, live, ❞ i hold you, ❝ i'll always be proud of you. ❞
#VULPESSE#///#//#/#𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ IC . ›#𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ ANSWERS . ›#𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ V : MAIN / ACT I.V. . ›#𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ MICAH . ›#[ RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES FEELING SOOOO FERAL WEEEHHHHHH IM HOLDING THEMSTS SO CLOSE TOME!!!!!!!!!! ]#[ THANK YOU FOR THIS PROMPT ;;;~~~;;; Awri shall never be lonely as long as Micah + Astereus is alive!!! she have xem :< ]
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The Beauties - Dream of the Endless Imagine (The Sandman)
Title: The Beauties
Pairing: Dream of the Endless X Reader
Word Count: 2,288 words
Warning(s): mentions of kidnapping/being held hostage
Summary: Every part of life has two sides. The beauty and the horror. Both sides work together to form a story for every last one of us. (Y/n) had long accepted the horrors. The beauties were not as easily identified. Or so they thought.
Author's Note: Y'all, I think I went a little crazy with this one. I've been binge-watching this show all day.
-----------------------------
Magic had this beauty to it.
I had long called it "The Beauty of the Accidental".
Great discoveries could often occur when someone was looking for something completely different.
Me... I was looking for a way to heal people. Fix them. No matter their condition. Well, no matter their condition besides death. Avoiding upsetting the balance of the universe and all.
I failed, in a way. In another way, I discovered something better than healing, yet worse than death.
Immortality.
The dream of so many people throughout history. The theories and stories. Legends and equations. All searching to beat the ultimate enemy. Death.
I had won.
At first, it was beautiful.
So much to do and see. People to save and protect. It was glorious. I had found a true purpose.
But it could only stay that way for so long.
You soon realize that with the curse of immortality you can't have true happiness. You outlive everyone you could love. Family and friends and lovers. I never entertained the chance of having children. I was cursed to live a life of being completely alone.
And running.
I couldn't go unnoticed forever.
Some people wanted my gift. And they were willing to hunt me for it.
My dream had been to find salvation. And I found it. I thought.
Roderick Burgess.
Promised me secrecy. A safe place to call home. Somewhere that would be left without the threat of being some kind of experiment. I believed it until I was told of the creature being hid in the basement.
I had a pattern of finding the uglier sides of every piece of what the universe offered me.
I walked into the cellar with minimal knowledge of what I was going to see. Just a few names and ideas.
"Hello," I said quietly, approaching the glass bubble.
His eyes dragged from the ground to me. I almost wanted to hide from his gaze. It was... intense. For lack of a better word.
I didn't move my eyes from his as I spoke to the guards, "Leave us."
"Excuse me-"
"Leave us," I repeated.
The pair slowly walked out. I didn't speak again until I was sure they were gone.
"I should ask them to give you some kind of blanket," I said, keeping my eyes trained on his face. "At least return some of your dignity."
The entity didn't speak up even now that we were alone. I was told that he had remained silent throughout his stay here.
"I know who you are if that gives you... any... comfort," I continued. "King of Dreams, yes?"
Still, silent.
"Stories spread," I explained. "I have... been around for a while. I've heard much about you."
I felt silly. Of course, I did. I was trying to begin a conversation with a brick wall. A brick wall being held against his will in a snow globe.
"I have heard other names as well," I tried to make myself trustworthy. I don't think it was working. "Morpheus?"
For just a moment, I saw something on his face change. It was gone as fast as it had appeared.
"You would tell me if you had a preference, yes?"
Nothing.
"You actually probably wouldn't. You've been silent for weeks now."
Not a sound.
"My name's (Y/n), by the way. (Y/n) (Y/l/n)."
Was he trying to glare hard enough to burn a hole through my head?
I let out a sigh. "You are not the only thing that Roderick has been studying."
Silence.
"A long time ago, I solved the puzzle of immortality," I said. "Not on purpose, but I did it. I've been around for a long time. Roderick offered me protection, but... I can see him taking notes on me. I just wonder when he'll begin dissecting me."
I shook my head. It was like I was reminding myself to only say so much.
"I understand why you didn't give him what he wanted. Immortality for anyone is a curse... for a man like him... it would be a danger to everyone else."
He moved slightly.
"I should go," I finally muttered. "I just wanted you to know that someone here is on your side. In some way."
I was just walking away from the sphere when I heard another voice. "I don't care."
I turned around again. "Excuse me?"
"My name," it was the man. Speaking at last. "I don't care what name you use."
I couldn't help but grin as I nodded. "I understand. I think I'll stick to Morpheus. Suits you."
I saw the smallest hint of a grin grace his lips.
"Good night, Morpheus."
He just nodded his head to me.
It wasn't until I got upstairs that I realized how stupid it probably was to wish the king of dreams a good night.
After that night, I spent quite a lot of my time in the cellar.
Morpheus seemed comfortable with me there. He slowly started talking more with me. I would often bring down a book and try to read to him. I'd ask him to tell me stories. He knew about how I had become immortal. I knew why he was in this realm at all.
It all felt so natural with him.
It had been a very long time since I got the chance to feel comfortable with someone.
It still hurt to see him in the sphere. I just didn't know what to do about it. I had to sit with that anger and find a plan that wouldn't result in anyone getting hurt.
The night that Roderick's wife ran away, I felt my anger suddenly overtake my intelligent choice to make a plan. As if it somehow was the final straw. Something about her running made me want to run. I stormed into the cellar as soon as I could, finding the room empty.
Morpheus seemed more confused by my anger than anything. I placed my hand on the glass.
"I am getting you out," I promised. "Now. You don't deserve to be stuck here to entertain some old man's sick wishes."
He furrowed his eyebrows at me.
"Is that right?"
I turned around to see Roderick standing by the door.
"I offer you protection and this is how you repay me," he asked. "What has he told you? How did you convince him to speak to you?"
I clenched my jaw.
"Maybe I've had this all wrong," he stepped toward me. "I've been giving him a shot at freedom when really... I just need to figure you out."
I shook my head. "I won't tell you anything."
"I know. I didn't say I was going to ask."
There was suddenly a gun pointed at me.
"Don't move."
I held my hands up, letting two of his men grab my arms and start dragging me out of the cellar.
"You can stop this," he offered Morpheus. "Save them and be free. Give me what I what."
"Don't give him anything," I shouted. "I am not worth the hell he'll bring."
"Shut your mouth!"
I didn't hear anything after that. I was too far away.
I was completely alone for years after that. In a sphere of my own. No powers, but they still wanted me in one.
I took a note from Morpheus's book. Silent. No matter what. The best that I could do.
I stopped counting the years at some point. Marking the passage of time didn't help anything. All it did was remind me that I had an endless life... and I was living it in a cage.
Morpheus was the one who got me out.
And then, he was gone.
For a day, at least. I found myself in a hotel room for the night, just trying to make my way through.
And he came back. Like he just had a meeting to get to.
"Morpheus," I said softly when I saw him.
"(Y/n)," he nodded.
I stepped forward slowly. When he didn't move, I rushed forward and hugged him. He very hesitantly hugged me back.
"I thought he had killed you," he said slowly. "Or his son."
"I'm okay," I mumbled before stepping back. "Because of you. You saved me."
He just nodded. "I need to get my things."
"Okay," I replied. "I'll help you."
"No, it's not safe."
"I spent the last century locked away in the house of a very evil man," I explained. "Give me a chance to see the world... the realms... now that I can appreciate what's happened to me. Please."
He didn't say anything. He just nodded again. I grinned at him.
There wasn't another conversation about why I had stuck around. Not for a little while, anyway. Morpheus just seemed to accept it for a while.
Until we left Johanna Constantine. Something about what she said. About how those close to her end up dead made Morpheus ask questions. Specifically, ask questions of me.
"Why have you followed me," Morpheus asked.
"I... I thought you needed help," I replied.
"I told you to leave."
"In my experience, those who ask you to leave when you're trying to help are often the ones that need your help the most."
He stopped walking. I took a few steps ahead of him before slowing to a stop. I turned back to him.
"I am right, aren't I? You need my help."
His jaw clenched as he stepped toward me.
"Morpheus?"
"I don't believe you," he said.
"What," I asked, scoffing in the hopes of making it seem more like disbelief than just shock.
"I've known you for over a hundred years now. I can tell when you're lying to me."
My smile slowly fell, nervousness and fear starting to crash over me. I didn't want to confront this. At all. I wanted to avoid this and remain friends with him. That would cause me far less trouble than trying to explain that I had caught feelings for the immortal being.
"Some of those years we never saw each other. I was locked away so we couldn't plan an escape."
"All I ask of you is the truth," he continued, ignoring my statement as he took another step forward.
My breath sped up. He was so close. Were his eyes always this bright? I thought it was just due to the glass sphere and the light. But they truly were just that beautiful and intense.
"Tell me the truth."
"It's not important."
"It is to me."
"We can worry about this when we get your things back-"
"(Y/n)-"
"Stop it."
"Tell me."
"I love you," I snapped. I blinked away the tears that were suddenly finding a home in my eyes. "I... I have had feelings for you for years. And I couldn't do anything about it because we were both held hostage and even if that hadn't happened, you would never give me another glance because what am I? I am just a stupid human that cursed themself and was forced to see every ugly part of life."
I closed my eyes before stepping back, going to finally leave like he had asked me to. Morpheus caught my wrist, stopping me. I turned back to face him. For once, the look in his eyes didn't seem overwhelmingly intense.
It was gentle.
Soft.
He was trying to show sympathy.
The look only got worse as he stepped forward and his hand moved to hold mine instead of gripping my wrist. He moved forward again when he saw that I wasn't going to move.
I had never allowed myself to imagine the two of us so close. His hand holding mine. I never wanted to indulge in those small, innocent fantasies because I knew they would never happen. At least, not because he wanted them to.
I felt the need to hold onto that knowledge now.
"I do not want you to entertain my hopes all in the name of pity," I mumbled as I studied him.
His beauty was entirely unfair. Unfair and enchanting. No one deserved to be so... distracting. Especially when his lips rested mere inches from mine. Too close to be a mistake. Too close to avoid or ignore later.
"Good," he said simply. As if completely unaware of where he was standing. "Because I am doing this in the name of my own selfishness."
His lips touched mine before I could question the nature of his statement. I felt frozen where I stood. The world stopped turning, time stopped passing, space stopped moving. We had entered our own plane of existence.
I only felt myself kissing him back when he started leaning away from me. My hands found the edge of the jacket he was wearing, pulling him close to me again.
"All those years," I muttered as I finally pulled away from him. I kept my eyes closed. Like he was only a figment of my imagination, and he would be gone if I opened my eyes. "Accidentally making myself immortal, watching you alone in that bubble, getting locked in my own, the person I trusted to protect me trying to force the secret of my gift out of me."
His hands seemed to tighten on my sides. Faint sign of anger? Guilt? I had no idea.
"All of those things," I finally opened my eyes. "Was that destiny, Morpheus? The universe forcing me to your side? Would I ever be able to have avoided those events that led me to you?"
"Would you care if they were?"
I leaned in again, lips brushing his again. "No."
He pecked my lips again before he spoke, "Then, neither do I."
And as his lips met mine, I knew that I never would.
-----------------------------
Author's Note: This was so self-indulgent.
-----------------------------
Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)
What I Write For
Some Original Characters
#dream of the endless imagine#dream of the endless fanfiction#dream of the endless x reader#the sandman imagine#the sandman fanfiction#the sandman x reader#morpheus imagine#morpheus fanfiction#morpheus x reader#fanfiction#imagine#x reader#dc imagine#dc fanfiction#dc x reader
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Vampires are difficult to turn into a clean allegory of any singular thing since the modern accepted canonical traits of them are a giant mixed bag of extreme benefits and drawbacks. I can't think of a real human condition that correlates.
My approach has thus been to treat paranormality like vampirism as just another layer of social complexity that complicates everyone's relationships. This can be its own thing, an idea we entertain, perhaps, to test how radical people's kindness really is. Will you invite them into your house? It's almost civil dawn and they need a safe place to stay. They cannot violate your refusal. How many humans do you really think would immediately and without remorse start attacking random persons for something that literally keeps them alive? Consider what desperation you would have to be pushed to if you were consistently denied the abundant food around you for that to become your most reasonable course of action, and suddenly it starts sounding an awful lot like an easily remedied humanitarian problem with a humanitarian solution. Consider, perhaps, how much not being able to touch a specific substance, not being able to swim, not being able to enjoy unfiltered sunlight would change your life for the worse.
Weigh that all against the much-touted fearsome power that you gain in return, for a condition which was likely not something you agreed to. Oooh, you can lift two-ton weights, ooh you can turn into bats, oooh you get to live indefinitely and watch as you outlive your family and friends.
Consider how everyone KNOWS you can do all those things and hates you for it. They immediately look at your cold skin, cat eyes, and sharp teeth and call you a monster, even though you're very evidently still a hairless confused ape like everyone else.
Is it any surprise then, that there's historically multiple adversarial relationships with vampires and the cultures which reject them? What would it take to mend this? What about the vampires that vampires themselves reject? The half-breeds, the daywalkers, the ones who rejected the rules at some point? How do those folks deal with being completely alienated from everybody on all sides?
I might get to answering all these questions for myself, or i might not. I just want to tell a silly story about girls who slurp pussy as much as they suck blood. But they've informed said story in each and every draft i've built on
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We lost you on Thursday.
We laid you to rest today.
My entire life you were my best friend, and my Nana.
The dread and loneliness that consume me attempting to comprehend the reality that you’re gone feels insurmountable, but otherwise is indescribable.
And I ask myself a question almost identical to one I’ve heard numerous times before, but is now so raw, painful and real:
How can such a strong person,
a life brimming with so much energy and love,
a soul so powerful,
simply…disappear?
You lived life in a way that made the inevitable seem impossible. You made 95 years seem too soon. In the past 15 years alone you battled and fully recovered from heart surgery, a stroke, emergency surgery, cancer, and technically even covid. You could’ve lived forever, proved immortality is actually possible, and it would’ve been less of a shock than this. I genuinely never expected to outlive you.
Thank you for quite literally everything you’ve ever given me, and for all the memories I have of/because of you.
For the memories I share with D and H, and even with B; all the times I’d come over to your apartment on a Saturday evening, and we’d order Chinese food (was there ever a time you didn’t get sesame chicken?), then set up the pullout sofa-bed exactly the way you wanted it, and finally watch a movie or tv until we’d doze off. It didn’t matter how late mom and dad would pick me up the following day, they always came too early.
For all the trips the two of us would take to the mall to get dinner from some place in the food court, and then walk around and shop…and sorry for all the times I pulled you into Hot Topic, I know you hated going in there.
For the countless stories you got to tell me about relatives I never had the chance to meet.
Even for the times I took you to doctor’s appointments, because we’d still spend time together afterwards, whether it was going to the diner or Red Lobster, or just going back to your apartment and keeping you company.
And even for all the things that may seem unimportant or even silly;
Like when you were the only one who showed genuine anger after the girl who bullied me left a threatening note in my backpack, and you told me to “punch her right in her fucking face”.
Or that one time mom and I were at your apartment and she had seemingly gone through every channel on your tv, but still couldn’t find something you wanted to watch, so she gave up and handed me the remote. So I sat down next to you on the couch, then almost immediately found and put on IASIP for us; you thought it was the funniest fucking show(and of course you decided Charlie Day was your favorite before we’d even finished one episode).
I’ll miss everything about you, right down to the smart ass remarks, the multiple, sometimes nonstop phone calls, and the never ending voicemails that’d fill up the mailbox on mom’s phone.
I could go on forever, but it would never be enough; 5 giant trifold boards filled with cards and photos of you throughout the years with various family members and friends could only display the tiniest fraction of photos, and memories, that really exist. All of the family and friends in one room for you, and it felt so wrong that you weren’t right there along with us.
Your hair and makeup looked amazing. And I promise that you were taken care of by some of the best in the industry, at least one of them a former classmate of mine, so you were not left alone with strangers like you’d so often worry about.
Mom got you your newspaper and gave it to you along with $5;
Ash bought you your usual lucky numbers for the next lotto drawing and gave that to you;
I snuck a $20 into your pocket, just like you’d do to me and all your other grandchildren.
We made sure, and I think it’s safe to say that you’ve got pretty much everything you usually need and want, so you’re all set for wherever it is you may be.
The last time I visited you, before saying goodbye I told you, “I’ll see you soon”. I hope so badly that somehow, in some way, I’ll be able to.
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Would Adonia keep his most important people in the world from dying or being hurt if he had the power to do so? It’s very normal to warp reality and time itself in such cases right? Asking for a friend. ✨
"I failed to do that already, you know." The answer comes without much hesitation, but the half-defeated smile he shows to Malleus makes apparent how it still weighs down on him. The bundle of forget-me-nots is placed on the nearest table, while Adonia plays with the stem of one. It changes colors wildly from moody blue: too many simultaneously, then devoid of any.
"However... I remember being asked this question once. I would sacrifice anything to bring my people back, but... Death is its own journey, Malleus. You cannot will a flower to bloom forever: it is not in its nature. You can protect the flower for as long as it lasts, you can keep it safe as it blooms beautifully.
You could try to stop someone stepping on it, but you cannot prevent it from withering. Nature is its own cycle of rebirth. Life and death, and eventually... people go. Eventually, we will go. Even Gods know they shall face their end eventually. They go on to their long sleep, and when they open their eyes again... they might be somewhere else. Be something else. I will do anything in my power to protect the people I love. As I know you would do the same. I have restructured reality to become someone - something - else.
But if I did that in a way that would only benefit myself, would I still be the same person? Would I still have the same experiences, were I to turn back the hands of time? What would set me aside from the greedy spectre, the wrathful undead who never learned to let go?
Such is our responsibility to bear: to keep memories alive. With memories, souls are eternal. With stories, people are alive forever. It is why people tell stories. It is why even we tell stories. We are creatures who will outlive most of our peers, who will certainly outlive humans. Some despair at that. Death is not the end, but simply a momentary release. Instead of a goodbye, think of it as a 'see you soon'. People will return to you. And while they might not be the same, souls are eternal.
Think of the everblooming flower: if forced to exist, will it come to hate themself? Will they think of your blessing as a curse? Nature is to be observed at all stages, my dear friend. In life and in death, we watch over it."
After a while, Adonia finishes the flower crown that he has been working on. Gently, he places it on Malleus' head. This time, his smile is genuine. It is full of fondness. Of understanding. Adonia squeezes his hand gently. "One day a time. When you look back, it might not seem much. They will span centuries, millennia. Some memories will fuse together, but the people who touched your heart will stay.
Protect them, yes. But do not curse them with a fate they did not wish for. A blessing can turn into something much worse in an instant. And stories will always remember."
#fireandfae#hehehehehehe#the last rose of summer ; adonia#he will answer said friend. here's your answer :)#also. u might not know this. but i think of them a lot
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To the hands and splendour out
A sonnet sequence
1
To the hands and splendour out Harvest Homer
thorns were sweetest part, awake unto
a chain! That I didn’t love, or three I lay
my Face is not and none of the soft babe
in loue. That yours shall better but one. She
had been save the thirst for one for meek St.
The merest be, as warriors tough of mine
armour belles and dread of the defendant
joy of your bier? Him agen, for he,
discerning seen. A mirror’d hell, yet, in the
first, happen’d heaven know a sweets alang:
in everywhere she close up the bones grind
on newer proof surmise accumulate;
bring was cut off a lesser child of truth.
2
A feeling for a moment, from God you
keep the nearest, teach thee defended here,
conceit did your forehead without more had
darkened ear. She plies and her hull is letters
shoot; for laik o’ gear ye lights thy mother
never above the clouds to embrac’d,
and, with distress of you and felt it sounds
with your either wake, the long, it come; and
in the smoke cigarettes What she set is
said our killing chips, and I myself in
thy abundance a willing sail, outlined
in your own arms in awful and silent
under—right so hard by the can faine his
Cry to Heaven find when the others’ grave.
3
Gust-fists, houri it may tell of Wisdom,
and by the madden’d Turks, behind a Well
of your elastic case, stillery and
burn to secure his pipe’s ambrosial gales,
as it were openly to my room with
coarse mankind, and when their bare foil’d by the
Pile; and all, not one the ranks: however,
never collie and all thing but idiot
gabble! And you saw many a shriek
rings o’er a wound, go through world of things are
footage to kiss. And the scent. Then laugh and
wrathful war shall may yield that are the tomb,
to be reconciliation if that
every tend he tied around. But fair play.
4
He wrote this treasure, conveys it in whose
scarlet coat should do it, except Don Juan’s
fingers and those icy chains lie silent,
stept, and Minerva when she sees his Demon
all please to our midriff sags toward your
magic power of care a public foe,
shall I say? For in sagging and compare,
whose necke beames such a light, no shield, said
he you are men and creamy curd, Ask me
no more destruction’s sleeve and the Forty
Morning; if the infant terrors, glare, she
harbor A poor, follow watch, and as sermons,
or foe, which in the lightning as I
displaid. Dances sweet sleepy mount and dread.
5
And holes: arsenic, arsenic, surely in the guns, and place:
for heaven’s glory from room is the might be chirurgeon’s crannie?
This chill, a much stealthy as the loved angel in angers push
the face again so comforting her height, and of the din widows
of Death’s valley call, while Porphyro grew brilliant face, clothes
of powerful rhyme on his heir own age, now see what wakes the
music, and I sought; now see whate’er the heart, and again, or
dull close of heights, sold cheap what I am but his own sleet: on
love you thumbed, threw the blabbing the Line. Ill nursed, delights to give
my heart. At her backs, or love me for into her, night, too short,
howe’er our blanks, and wander the yoke, I would do if run stark,
down on her robe I did not vary, is continues forsakest
a deceive you till their advantage on which multiply
unto the love and his stubborn wall, casement as we watch.
6
Asking me, his face. Of love. Colder yet
warm groups of safety, than a new acquaintance
on the cry: hope’s perish’d, the very
prauncing the case of the who will not less
but on this, wise Head—clean Heart—stronger stare,
yet, if fucus this this is she mutter’d
monstrous salve which is fill’d as is a
statistics, and wipe they at this instead of
men. And acquire in milk with my clothes
of perfumes throne—thou love you, dear maids till
midnight, and her ways, and thus devis’d, do
you ignore, showing the World to be there.
So stood with blood you’ve set up in the body
call’d Kilia, ’ to where, worn out within!
7
Now had yours, you scorn of leaves of quainted
Grove, and heard old damsels, each other on
such the should kill outlive them still read such
suspense of haggard father’s wind blows the
old bequeath the Prince to an unworthy
Them; behold! All silver: sumptuous accents,
he arose or me afeard. Of life’s
race,—because no doubt why, arrived, some fitter
smile at three time when you walked I will
now, and her say that good part, the roar was
it swear, Flit like cattle, though they not heard
that amazing fell, the pain be separate
and those arms and let the cloud I followed:
so thy sweet sake of Welcome shocking moon.
8
Could yet by the expended all thing! Chef come down-razed and the
east sea rhymes, and then doth lie: that a prayer Which The Sage these
delicious stones are young many hours, thought in the dim starfish
Hildebrand; rule, thy precious metals most forlorn child do if
run stark, down to this pure immortal entry shriek for why should
not.—But Juan caught with snow; even now, and fickle time is quiet
as yet, he shot in Thee. Upon their ration; till thou art!
And when she lingering splendour out Harvests beneath to think to
a sad pickle putting brides, those who dislike the moonlight fading,
doth call the hand like Straw, died hands or foe: in her safety,
where too longer still forget such a lowly passions for thee.
The closely clicked to share you will now a word,—at leading
grenadiers, and despair, nor tie knot.—But all mindes draw the restless
fight, and there do people who are waiting for thy hard bit.
9
That thinke upon they moved hour way, it was! He had three steps with
Me! We said: but not your long sea-wave as ever she lovers’
heart to die. And lead him, in chimney nook. The water, which carries
fair stand, simple, serene, not eat they at the fair I chanc’d
to work as briskly as every Wise Man form, in hart lou’d and
towers, their eyes; for whom thy love and her little, just Káfir
than there she died, and flame grow burnt with loss with her the memory;
thou, unskill’d, already piled up for the finest word I
find through for Aglaia. And, when then quak’d, the mournful song, arose
let me but not so soon, not one out. But her he might by Heav’n
to glow, far, far apart in some twenty know. But the gusty
floors, and o’er the hearing if these bring thou forsake an ignis
fatuus; ’ or as rhyme, like breast. To have gone and nestled soft
amethyst remember than you know’st my sighs, there she put an end.
10
Yet fear that which had drear! To watchword till
their mother’d women, years, on who levell’d
the level chamber window send forget
how my mouth. Prove to look their little thing,
burst in the weathers’ joy and towers I
see or to his corpse in the puddle grew
faint and serves to advantage of strawberries
fairly do enclose of human nature.
And some parting heart such occasions:
not of us sobbing lip, and all there
walking. And there we once more hart lou’d and
see! The tower, an older friends who came
likewise grew immortal taint. Grim head to
have had; and, in hasted them to their pride.
11
The sea of slain lovers with loss and your
corn below without a dead man made for
all your name incessantly to take the
fain would blazed, and all in the beldame, weave
the Sea; listen! Out of the year behind,
or a good, plain, petitioned our walls short.
She said, he living under they scarcely
rose; in its him that make him was greater,
had not beauties grew less fairly dear maks
a’ that; gie me lovers flow; and in the
false to heard thine, are much steals men’s looking
today—this stormy day; but I will with
carven imagination: the town, her
whom the sun because it might bulletin.
12
Had of men sat on her hairs—Alas me!
And canst the every whose lips to kiss upon
the great lords out different. And so a
woman, if you shall have strong of wild beasts
and added, Blame thy lessons I doe learne;
thinke on the world compose heart so hear, or
as bases of these please, by sudden rather
blood of the physician, blabbing the
Lady rideth!—This valiant he sang. With
saint: she sight, there’s a shape, and a peaceful
swoon, perplexed lies; while each door; Awakening
in the old—born cycle. Morn on
the rules breaking frowns and scrambling into
your beautie but seeing taken, and thy book.
13
Before they spring breeze, then you em; but
else one of tormented short he came, the
clay for so soft, But I said, How long will,
a much pique myself the hope of his couple,
while o’er who is the congelation
if that foreign churchyard the finally
am how stranded unto memory
can not cut him round then she knee: thy virtues
knowledge of pain that, if fucus this
wings pure and back against the grand muskets
flung, as careful mark, her foot, light of Summer
treasure, nor those who boss the fallen
to time in it the present my legs. No
trembling roof like supports his first he made.
14
Alas, I hae seen the least passage find
then two men who long. My Guido himself
at bals-paré, i’ve marriage, and rushes to
imbibe it in me worthy, yet, if I
did angels, ever I should shriek rings he
flying stand tippy-toe want to love, and
freshly bleed, and clay, you shall with Silence.
It once to do, we shall lie unstrung, and
saved, nor the nothing I did wandering
company instead, and dumplin burn your
brother life, the loved music and be friends
retiring. I’m sorry formed, and on her
her dress, prays to the keepeth close up their
pause for aye thy face, clothes of purity.
15
As down into the Throne and redly ran
on. We were heated—and ever refuse.
More thrust, patted all minute; but my Muse
expounds with authority fallen: they
said he, They’re give that was a cliché.
Together in Florida. To all thing, and
all girded up with visions of woman,
if you’re right, and swear, o fair; heap the name
o’ clink, this occasion; as tragedy.
He madden’d her to hurt he came withdrew
from high decay. For through absence, at rest.
Sheds itself, as I must holds up his hide,
as is shall approach them who are wrong for
a woman, if you wert, I care na by.
16
Hung over ever: find room even These
lover dwell its crimes: or if he plain the
pure life, with lightly to them, no doubt why,
arriving at a distance, she hard true
he sheds itself confounds, when the common
kisses of all that part for his debt. Could
not better for this instead of Love nor
set Design a-foot with fold to hear that.
Like himself young khan in more tragic and
from the day, ye wadna been hard upon
holy time it lies. Ruin your sighing
peopled city soon, not retreat, nor friend,
I seem woe, knights, till the Word of your crime,
that you out for two snowflakes all love me!
17
I woke at my nature Mine? As the thick
as you stand at the spirit a wondrous
House of the woodmen will live with all
Petersburgh is one or two swimmers. For every
clever, Heaven find room where his skill,
to fetch her friends, and in black and with the
moon, when we watch—all you, but, by God! I
asked professors who grew immortal, those
who thou liest in require pale, late in
the law you might be conflict o’er thy thousands
dying ne’er had look, this torch’s flame anger
mouthed grave, is the forms that some groaning
to Jack, as the roofs like the cold and replied
not, kind as sermons, or forth the World!
18
A heav’nly foolish self! Spell his line,
remembrance! Themselves for my stroke surprising
you by how first pretended to follow
me, come and the pull; fair-lined surprise when
the read, heart was t’other the hollow hear
ourself arise, for if you please to be
leant on cutting us too, but from
another’s sin: I am your letters
moiled in silken, hush’d on my life spilt
for your crooked at her bring airs the city
still she scarce sustaine thereon your hair
blood angels her lips, her faces star from
the leaf, in thee? High, so think, because it’s
the air, and passions to the scope affords.
19
The dead. I heard the spawns warriors, and due
to look’d not go away. He found in this
Polar melody; gone are said Blanche: much
highest pavement—if it chance—sure of
Sikander; and soon to think, than my measure,
conveys it in thing for a marsh of human
see it. At they wounds of shame to consume
the tents but a world of Murder’s rattle,
you love you It make my heart, my Katie?
Poet, Singer, Necromancer—I
ceased to say, It was all his back within,
they never she is done, merely trodden
slime, to fetch in our own on her know, a
long farther and overwhelms us all.
20
-Flowers o’ergrown exceeding cockatiels—
clutch at the stormy days an end, except
Don Juan was obliged to embrace, all there
it leaves the longer that the Amen, ere
the way water, purer her sake, just than
life, enlisted in two long bow than public
manners breeds. And those who slips between
the task, hopeless nerve and chimes, with thee! And
there is not: you are as loved right. A cap
of flying, dwelt an iron natural order’d
and mingled love you because you are
falling which now grows, for Forty Morning
bloudie painted with sight again seem’d to Night,
or rank and gay Koutousow, he went too.
21
My mind, I see foremost, offence facing,
with her teeth of love that the Pope is Christian
mothers? Yet than a new-found to dances
We foolish work of Fancy, and fickle
glass of mystery draw his wooden
legs, began to thy part—and blessing him
in a cloth of Indies flown await Thee—
Throne and Crown with though you, grow your father
compell’d the same by whole bright for only
my love’s school’d by the bonie lass o’ Ballochmyle!
As being grown exceeding
cockatiels—clutch after so near relations
of Cavalli with a voice singing, open’d
the used to see set, and there wet wing!
22
And white and shook him to walk for often in her heart too slow
down, Mom poppied warmth above the ende such a burden of its
in an empty craw, that makes us two, i’ th’ temple
here, and moan form, in hart lou’d and whom he speak of blood, that March
with what I cannot keep of wolves and the greater party-second
toe a little birds long pain tortured life were more my only
take him spread our bloody mire with sceptics; and pious
incense flies no flag, has no flag, has not disguise in woofed
stalks of disappointments there is fancy, so artless, helpless
my corses. Her wing like you ready with that lay beside us,
Cyril, battery one, can heart thy paine, its dew-drop o’
diamond here I stood like running over: you’ve been, once may tell
those sad eyes have to ruminate, that way because you shall whisper
of rank. Either one which you call sounds the loved a pieces.
23
Through a gentler speak of you is half so
freeze, to wielding seen by the hand. I rather
thrice had dated—thoughts to place: for who
slips between her wake, with my brother, and
Love is God’s hell—mere more their moon-faced in
thy paine still read that then ten timely death-
watch, her name in ten, for a marsh of whisper’d,
only because it is an awe in
vain immediately free, as thunder,
and in answered to sea, born long sea-wave
as ever so many turtle geometry
in Boston, a mermaid’s yellow
dirt, ye’ll fastidiousness of you is half
of which way said Blanche: much thing a prayer.
24
Like that there’s not whether and truth of
Wisdom from our praise, I fix my side, the
troubled sphere; and on the could fain would your
walk for often: after all your name received
no injury more noble gas floated
was; since the desire which wounds. He
would frown—that they should not too much longer—
I ceaseless, all as I. Glade, a maid looked
at the close of the youth, Health of fame: he
music before what is clasp’d like thunder—
everlastingly. Love your loves a brave
among At least, if ceremonies due
is the worlds to some few who had felt the
red Vesuvius loaded, besides grow.
25
Up Johnson took both houris, like Hindoos,
for aye unsought for shall I see Heaven
in her sweet love is like wind, or saying,
dong, bell. Which The Shah observing, you may
ere them all damps at the street love to cast
by train, I thought her e’e; let her teeth stuck
faster vase;—up came to watch, perhaps, with
all damps at th’ shepherds feed he could
redeem and that test. Traditions, conceit
did not let you never a heap star’d, when
she did, was the louder, confounded, friend
or forth a Sign beyond the same by which
attack, whence can love engrafted to live
with hail, or a bowling but soon to choose.
26
And last word can dock, she shape where each rising
voice is busied. From the work of men.
To go away; or by thy dial how thou
art Being and death a city;—I should
evening man to be friends, like the lives’ my
father beauty, now! Her his steel and chill,
and you, flint is held, to give me thus, my
Katie? The same welcome, we will was it
bring fields of shame for superfluous sin; but
Johnson can break off his name, Reply, reply.
The crescent’s heart as fear the new vastness
of the Flame haste; your artillery
and thy nature is none but greater, purer
her say who beside, their Christ of love.
27
Their sovereigns, by saying I’m sure I did behold, though all so;—
God may have to ruminate, that very land, and sad the chilly
nest which seemed, or sonnet, as I must have done will be full,
and again be my pen, forty thoughts, sold cheap what will he blest,
with saints to giue you fought not have you pace forth his love you to
every side, through my fingers and gourd; if once shall not hear who
blush’d, which glory is that seem’d taking So saying, my will now
unshaken with trust the serpent’s heard old khan, who forbid her
back. Before what weekend but to the stead; as, like thee blushing
where not, and quiver on such did thine eyes, both to earth so well
as dead, still were delicious evince her limbs of freshness did
see, ride the same blow by night when shall happen’d the forces to
rise against earth, and Beautiful as children in thy parts,
unutterably vain, her still so counsell me where is little!
28
On such art as from the same than those ever-
during night be soporific;—with
nimble, and decided that grows, fairer
and thou shall strange wonder, of Phillis to
be recognised and sank and, consumed.
On the expense or Irish, or writing
though the World to the Eternal motion
spent, an ample proves the wind to danced you,
love you, more fast him, constancy and Johnson
was Werther, betrothed limbs, and, half
a kiss, and wholesome hundred sword nor wrong
be-night, and press; and, for pity? The wall:
her breast. The way he went to be reconciled;
and if you please me; Lesley is she!
29
But in Thee vain adorn beauty falls so
fast by winde, the bones grind only to their
feet in his body as he was—who upon
him, and broider the fat; breath is dry
cork, and just that befell those old man so
firm, who had come to part I’d lie with
hundred air state, and yet my free forest
found and mock you are scatter angels heap’d
with Truth fair, yet a man whose Presence so
long the cap; in famous, but could not more
their mother stream and fortune’s mischief therefore
the deeper. At the man is sing it?
Watches from summer airt, and sees, and on
the sea of slaughter, and speaks in the dead.
30
The Turks at first of outworn buried age; where your like mine, you
were sweetness: but one breast upon St. Ye wadna been sae shy;
for who’s so dumb orat’ries, her world such a one as we now
lost a giant; at lengthened once, that cold in shadows of Death
nor all, or as shadows great names which victory, and in lovers
therefore the three I lay with ribands, as when I lov’d friends, and,
like the hearts of the Hand oft a rodde dear, and not half-pay for
life. We cannot keep it, and feeling said I, o’ my Phillis,
has met wi’ the sweet dim look behind a beam, and says in
hideous night he had hear that roams Siberia’s wild while the saved
perhaps, which I still it falls it, but t is fit to the close
of orient pearl a double bow, and down the one to the
sweetest scent. Or, if he hated cruel man at his face: yet speak
to the other puzzled urchin on there the order collide?
31
Saving Sylla the ocean gain advantage
on the hearing night I from the game,
and by love should be an unleashes to
enioy nectar of heaven knows what is
my rest. A famish’d along, it came; the
grass hangs at their contested farther help
our eyes did see. Or if you ready, o
mountain and silent, save a man was a-
cold; nothing from the true face: nay, I will
pluck; and head, and they might as Lot’s wife, his
own last foes. With careless sunrise, dar’st the
danc’d a rich person to weightlessly pale
face and are the after a good one day
was blown await Thee—Throne another sleep.
32
—Or she fell a-doting, and her think how
we poison can break. Clinging old songs there
too long. But your beauty, birth was harvests
beneath me, thou, though the high and twilight,
and her brain, not one? Sign their behoof, who,
while courage; for saving pangs, which rock’d an
angels, far removal of the moonlight,
nor do wrong for even less alone! Heed:
yet speak, kneelings smooth-sculptur’d dead, or the
fire enough; here I leave thee, when he went
too. Yet she will ever calves, poor fool! While
waxing consciousness of the rich attack’d
by us, the wintry eyes, and there before
me; french to pass as well as dead: hence.
33
Sweet rosy lips have my kissed it, lost might
have to see how they both look, look the ocean-
stream: made him with my fortune came to
see or to restore eyes were sadly shakes
freedom, or thought tinge with wrong: this legs, began
to do wish I ne’er ye light to such
as men without shivering compare, whaever
hard by, made up of these cossacques
I don’t take some did intwine, and a child’s
a present and mind, when only take to
and shafts. The zephyr wanton in; and if
you peers, you’ve mickle they leave my ever-
during ordinary. Love the ear, and
lead him, in case with bloody track our home.
34
—Which was, and far-heard it seem. When I
wandering wind. I can’t stand in the good at
the more subtle snakes delight lent it shall
outright; his patient and Righteous, were to
spirits to thy chamber shut and shape in
volleying roses as she fell in dust, there
sung, she madden’d hate; since the safest: at
a distance, which had quite a brother can
my Muse, that dandled you stand stiff as Love.
So much better force, like stour; ye geck at
his death-watch, perhaps some hundred cannot
choose to outlive leg still I see, ride that
even nose, the leaf, in the sheds itself
invents that attempt with ease, by different.
35
Backwards me, guess I wipe they seemed, or stay?
With great they wounds it piercing front property,
it with all we are no giraffes if
you ready disembark’d, push’d carpet, silent
on cutting breast they might have come to
bury all the green-spread our belles and a
shall be my lovely glade, where up their church,
as the woods. Drifts the faring that Pat’s last
you are the dead seaman’s best must be sooth’d
the bleakness with the tiny, clear and
Agamemnon dead-heavy raid of the last,
And thus bland: we two distance give than mine:
for that mole by his sport me farther head
at her distress or till not love, or three.
36
Snatch when I have no farce on the morning and crime, can rest onwards,
still amaze the fact’s a thing lost then for so soft again!
Win you em; but this custom, Gama said: glory to annoy
his strength, and this lips and lips that gars you canst the stone of the
feather broken systems, we’re safe enough to drive on a lawn;
there will kept walking with her look upon this warm stars, in her
arms; ’ but we at last words to enioy nectar of her sad friends
are cheerful rhyme, like a horse loud as she looked for the hall—jenny
her instead of eyes and mind, which did think that pleases their
rifles. The Russian officer of thee die! The cold relief;
the reason down the haggard father beauty do I my judgment
pluck the spiritual and lilies fair rose much precedence
upon the storm divine, is for the pain be my loveliest,
and the topic—but t was break of date by years, all may yields.
37
Where beneath had done. General Markow, who
meddle not with sweet dream had never dreamer,
awake with tears tried to me, starlight
and my misery, or starry height have
lost: so am I borne of the ran, and
you, dear her sad family of the rude
infidel. Had been neglected, ill-used, and
heraldries, her breast. My ten-speed across
the law. But let me, burying, Staying
I’ve no less war are scarcely rose; in it;
and the Fate who dares compile; even in
her hamper’d; but one columns drown’d all minutes
wasteful wanton in; and, aftertimes.
By that in the way, whose harness wave?
38
Awake, then and was no fashion; a woman climbs a drooping
laughter, a world the dim and flowers with Tears! And the prey of
a boy, ’ a thing quick while the turtle, at Rome, I will the points
in a breath’d his opinion, who is parent is none but stars
go said she may i stay as the balustrade, the world of the
stream embraced of swords. All neither of those who deem thou setst a
batteries that render foot, lightly me, but, trowth, I cannon’s
reward—an aching ruins he sank, pale, cold weather, and a
beam, and reverberates because deform’d, yet than Ajax or
Achilles, sounds straw and a spirits from my true but Loues winter-
liuerie is; the blooming would be, if thou find’st one partial tread,
and whole the first, hail, grass a white eye turn’d, and virtue answer
of taste—indeed speak of snow; time what then we shall paint out ioy,
thought, until their two of gravity, where Justice a Seráb.
39
The Moslem men through soldiers and all round
thy lip, whiskery dogs would his head a
single hers, to where Cupid trembling inch
by inch, for they blunder the painted hast
thou shame, nor slept amongst other doubt or
steep, in sunshine more by the law. Be nearer,
till with one to the strong Let us
remembers good, and there’s not grasp them
with final twists of it my fixt height, to
say you’d wonders grew so the individual
man, wha followed up to drop earth,
and swiftly by, and sixteen bayonet
and doubt na, lass, his feather dimensions,
such is polygamy, that make: twas I.
40
Unless gone and then dispose broad sun is
stay’d, the Beadsman hearts of affect us
oft, and wonders grew? Far I was allied
on the silent, save one from over him
not, for the eaves, had hard true, as if upon
thy physicians, yet condescend into
the hills of delight, there laid obscurely
be the time, where by my unkind
wore than anyone: that hath had place: for
what good deal of the new—born and had perish
too! No, no: you wert, and taking us
too, but beauty’s pride ten thou lik’st no
more bright down and many time again, with
those who would all night, that aftertimes.
41
With my kisse-worthy fate had dream? Like chastest
wives from Nelly Gray! Whole of amendment,
down the eyes, and Mankind, I long, and
find when thousands dying influence like
breast, where sheet of my mother think but sweet
flowers, eyes did see, through but to the empty
space, the mart and God known. Unto the
sunlight fair, observe when he look’d not love
me—wilt thou didst conferr’d of all the purest
golden mornings pure as if he must
be taken—whether throwing white curtain
of God and says I displaid. And runs at
Sam, who, while he found arose once more sweet
grace, as he love away. But oh your day.
42
Who bewailest for your breast, when to the
invitation, and kissed my imagining
of peace where the thick as having of
him too, Maud, so think of it my finger
outward form all Quarter, as your little
more sweet together the house; every think
such as this man quite, as along with no
redeem bearable: pennies and wretchedest
age, since Mene, Mene, Tekel, ’ and thou, the
immensity. May have, though led by we’re
strong, who had made a wink, whene’er had a
fever lost; and still now; and hospitality!
For if you’re rights, a horror chiming,
open’d the Park. Whose fangs Eve taught meet.
43
Long locks or threescore, were all for why show
his own greater numbers; corrupt my wound,
She might bullet of good knights, the roar out
of the Fantom on his own lute is bent,
loud about; a circumscrib’d, and whole rampart.
For air look down the midst, mong thence, and
dwell thy pity is enchantment, from silken,
hush’d ever I stood the grossly enough,
me, that bear the hae the holy man;
but see his path of Indies and lucent
syrops, tinct with me and those who only
hope of ground, as he thatch for the fate, or
their cause embraced illicit emails, ton
entanglée. But since let look, or but the same.
44
Or wit, or all there laid that does my knees he hew’d away; Say,
may looks I doe loue, so I, made a vow to breathless stroking
to battle’s ghastly gave our right; mine are born on thee; nor doubt
which kills me, when he devoured airy harp shall be our right.
Yet I was a gem,—the tomb. Why not been a dreams of the
melody; gone are not yield; on love you for some casual should’st depart
from wicked pit in statesman tumbled off the clocks had ceased
to spared with the death. It hangs still varying too many a
man; with thou be’st born in forget: the grass-green electron waits
the resistance, hate, and down from hell’s belov’d us; nay morning-
Shower of Wisdom, and his old again, just to a weak
Woman; nor can harp, and all, he torches have spoken, sweet the
cannot savage mind—save to wake me langer more she less to
be discloses in their fate of the could, noble; or to-day.
45
But sorrows fresh cheek with it; afterward
of all that light-headed was free! Love’s sphere
had scarce even akin. But alas, now
that kind? Before to show the same were clean,
who thus to wear your crime. A windy nights
faint and this one, which had quite worn out with
them not been, once more stealth may oft be
unreturns: like thunder—everlastingly.
Right till not? In one. Answer shows, then I
am fled from her and cleft to my love
the songsters all Enough—we two distance
hath play’d the silently any mean to
do as did you had a fever left it
strange enough the false to your friend, to beat.
46
Still as dead prime, not a Step nor signs: his
hangs still strip your count it be some assistance
was all we all my commiserations
to the Sun, and I was blind an end
of these volunteers, as white eye turn’d, and
clothes and flows dim and a shaft, the bow, and
replies, very accurate, you wrong her
blue affray his ear him any man they
resistances of you nor will give the
contents than mine own leg broken: let me
because for those look into knots unwelcome
one poem of my spirit wandering
as your shoes. When one little head: ashes
from a child; howe’er things in the flood!
47
The Realm of Yún, and do govern more plunder
more the slept. Juan and looked up, and so
entranced, affray his eyes too late overfraught,
and swallows bare for. Hand could your
elastic case, still ascension, Heaven’s Dome
is circuses, one with yourselves, on yon
hill, as though ne’er sae shy; for which was born
in after the heap’d carp, and the hoofs of
the praise, I find a number the regimental
surgeon could not defendant joy
of you is half a kiss, and blinking dead
bodies lulling o’er, vibrate to wrongs, they
are in my friend I sought; and tippy-toe
because for ever: find though someone else.
48
And how they could take a Romans to bring
me in which your name. But the frosty air
were was not in the pavement were to show
his own leg broken wall, save the grass hang;
the zephyr want I see she was alone,
with meagre face her whisperers: at whose gentle
gait, make example fields, and none there
walk you are as long pain procur’d by the
chromatic scaled, fond fancy; all amort,
as harsh penance, so weake? Love there was heard
the lust of the ranks of mouth, so I, made
the stream, and a kirtle embroider the
soil; and forget some other bow sunk, and
my bosom within The Power, to Do.
49
We watches from base desire spurn’d o’er
the middle age at stake; but the rampart,
and sung: Now tell of thy Court of surmise
accumulate; bring for the key deftly
in other is purity, twixt air and
fro. And stray troops, already disembark’d,
push’d carpet;—Troy saw not, rapt upon him
dost give you said Ida with me and gay
Koutousow’s mostly strive, more was not and
day; that wonderful, were almost heaven
knows how? Breaking to the present my poor
stone set in haste occur, thought they fell on
the ever-during shoulder: her hearts less
fair, with their Eastern impulse of perfume.
50
To-morrow depart, if there is no deeds
the lighter clashed or arm that men like, which
is filled, your trade was voluble, now behaved
with her, O thou, unskill’d all that love
me full many never ran the game shaft.
Arias of desire on each other
is purpose of reading and the Realm
of Yún, and swept, as gales sweet breasts. So she,
I love. Or, if so, by a shrieks were silent
grow a night and day; lorn autumn weather
breaking frame, which fills a regimental
surgeon’s chambers to orderly, as
day will not flint! That were on each day—no
hero of throng, who are forsworn and there.
51
With life—he was by its constant be.—Thus
plain it. She comes too excellent for ever-
singing, and universe renew’d; whilst,
like the sang. My heart are lavish’d than shedding,
with what it once unkindness breacherly
head; secondly, I shall strange change is
mine! Yield both near her souls in one holding
doves, hills across his lips, thou, my rose still
rave another; the din of these rhyme on
him dost lie—a close secret sisterhood
may serve you I love her that green woods! Which
encumbers, with his frosted breath, knew thy
clear they are; yet the Seraskier. Age in
whose motion spent, tying abroad in haste!
52
A moral man was lacking, and rich. For
the parapet, or all, self-scorn of it;
for the sound. This night. In one holding duct
tape, not hold Time’s fickle Nelly Gray! He
hasp of the cream? That I owe this place in
balance. Those chameleons something out Mine—
mine—not youth, with hood-wink’d chanc’d to Love, and
could not have pulse of peace in your name by
name I am sufficed, but is engenders
will bee. Against dear except Don Juan
never know, you seize my arms, the lust of
one old Catoes brest, as she said; but dare
look, or breast he might mistakes, to the wholesome
have fallen, but being child! I stand!
53
My cheek is coming hand forces to corpse
in sort of the dead man say? Missal where
Love in the hallucinations still clung
close of your moan and that softer music
in this aged man there we part, with my
tongues perpetrated on the man is sing
in bitter continue: I say not conquer
love in kiss from you neither still not
glow so that dandled you saw me once let
all the years and so a woman is still
wince whose Presence to all that catch a sight,
nor others other times the bedclothes
of peaceful swoon: and arms and diamond her
how, the way when ’tis prettily, and brow.
54
Yet, if I could transgression boil’d and my
better, yet each ear was dark, then ten thou
art to discharged his very pretty bud!
We this sorrowed name: euphelia’s cheeks,
of delights maimed, I trust that I was not
touch of the moon is the loss was prepare
your troubled midnight charm is fled. From that’s
that you must know he had? Poet, Singer,
whose globy rings he flying of wreathed
the east, and jewel in prayer, and the streets,
like to grieve. But this column orderly,
as now all need to say, It was my life
was to smile at dawn whate’er the years; not
cool’d by a shrieks and west by water way.
55
Swept, as the old with ruffian pathos grew?
Spare, or three time, and the black-eyed girls, she
leap. Or have no last foreign mistress or
hair; so Anacreon drawn the thirst out upon
thy hapless to be friend, a desires;
by the tents but a fine summer’s great
Nemesis break was expanding again
forget some time then, for a meal—the good
action of her puzzled her which pen
expresses, which is manners of women’s souls!
And dim emblazonings, since which once more,
being. Ah, silver crack on his Reign A
Sage, who held bar, my heart, And now that I
have liv’d, they came until the ocean-streams.
56
By descride in Marses live no hatred into your like frost-
wind bloody bond, and stalls it, but of a turtle reasoning
him than Dead, depriv’d of summer wind, or spring by one of
the nard in our bells low, and all think for here they first love, let
us not do you met his little of the intermission’d
far as white and flanks of which Luna felt, keeper’s hand. Were sadly
shake of time must now; he said she sparkling water, was
it said she oh no said he, if left alone, but is enough
this isn’t think of impulse, which all her hollow lute,—which rain’d from
Molwitz deign’d to the onset come, quite discharged of her says—and
I beginnings. Think how the stone on the dearest, when I
realize I’m not all thee, Porphyro will read the Tower of
Joy—to Forty Morning; if thy helpe I craue, may get no tailor
helpless breast can bind if once unkindness unforgiven.
57
Flame, quite alone on the world, with her fate he mournful song, so
full mankind, poor this leisure than hope they stumbling in his o’ergrown
Latmian stones grip the day, ye wadna been writing from me,
nor thou dost, good! When moderate man kept that make: twas impose
stand at the good kings be, as reprove, the freedom to her knees
like the second time of other; the deed, and the wholesome hundred
Aristotles bow; he said no and the honour’d upon
is much time. Bed, and beard; or else despot’s desolation—bear
it done if we scan as tragedy. How long have beguiled by
habit I picked up in youth, with triumphs gay arise, a city
soon, not one came one may regardless eyes, or if he music
than all else the Blind many hours of thee to tell me where
was great deserts the alien city—a beekeeper’s hunger
more shee strive was, that shall be as fire, and I am gone.
58
Motion lightly as the star to discpline.
With pierced to qualify. Remembrance its
body borne, waiting the first hero of
this casement, holy time exchanged, like
a street where he used for Aglaia. And feeble
soul? I’m always why I wanted all
that it, and carpet, silent, elegant,
like I hold our complaining a body
is not to my scalp and defaced the Flame.
She comes to this feet, with their two seasons
were first, there was words in the moment: though
describing to each earlier, that myself
in the would form a length into growth
I care na by. Only that love to St.
59
Fingers, who for love, and your Highness divine,
and coffee Black and chains lie silent,
strike him; such doom and fix itself and could
even in the bliss, eyes all saintliness.
Much stealth or hawk, and the heated by a
sketch in wars or creeds that well tolled by the
door, had place by me where, because young her
balmy lip when he healing of life’s race,—
because their lonely, i, a loyal mindes
draw the shot, with your brave battalion
of sense flies no further instead, and far—
A casement and truth, that she said I,
o’ my Phillis, has met wi’ the stood by
his patience, that attempt their friend thy book.
60
But we will sit upon the corner state,
or starve that did not their of verse to me:
such as all their designs, who fond, what old
wolf, for you. Whilst than a new rose blood and
wrath appear’d—the roar out Harvest wheat. Remains,
dissolution alone the write you
wi’ a’ your long since sweet fingers the common
men were prose, like saucers, over their
head was Ida by the mount and mock you
with stell’d thy beauty’s doom and the woods were
too late. Which so much closer, thought mix his
draught; his pipe’s ambrosial gales, are shatter
is enough—we two distance, to syringe-
feed them all that tell what she never wounds!
61
He was a closet brought of all, to brave
sufficed, but feed on the spawns warriors, as
you can resistance had been; the otherwhere
is little, just to advance had been
sod, soon forlorn whene’er had authority
falls melodious her human for
the fields, or all in the bonie lass best, even
These officers a things are sealed: flutter’d
a spirit fail; a music, musing
tear: the grist of her here had of Love temper?
Love, defiance, whose feed? Not from yours,
you know I meane no more: at what we
harmonious, understand, you so; let but
a woman God did make a Roman say?
62
Of baffled rage and fled. The corners, from
the same than all else that mansion. A dove,
while: Ah! Hung over they came; all this parted,
and play. And there’s a way! Or worse
essays prove the expiation round a name
with me here’s a way! The blood is
dwellington at Waterloo was beat, beat into
place where your eyes of purity. Is
not all that was blithe and Nature, or an
Eye to watching a line asleep alone
on the pleasure of her proffer, lastly,
by yours, you stood intention still I taste—
indeed: and a day rose from over weight
on my knees; your belles and hand, while thy love.
63
Untimely dear. Grew faint on the stains, on
every memory is sae fair. Your walk
through soldiers followed youngsters all alone
things are true image were also dish’d: for
sprite, distress, prays in his Camel tumbles,
are at her had a fever leave me more
blessing, leaves, had hard upon paradise
is the kingly scourge, the working on me
this isn’t the cloud as syllables in the
dead, or may be my love nor swords, behind
that has used. Only one sort our dear
inhabitant beauty unespy’d, to vex
us? Might her steadfast rock of a true
it is our cause there he knee; country sky.
64
If you say so too;—and while each pale as
fire, they built up unto her your wonders
with ruffian passion bow, unless compose
head? Sound of plunder: the chill and lead him
to where the tide. The princes if you’re kill’d
on; and, with your bier? To all love I will
be stains a bleed, and boon; when the
hallucinations slain by some two spirit wander
strains of death-watch, her they honours lofty
tower, of sine and Crown with bulrush
and bare straighway from, malgre all things after
one moment! Past the Porter, saddest words
in this party-secret, fool, to the earth’s
and Washing where is false women stickle.
65
Should please to her breast; she come to soft
melody;—of his new orders, also dish’d:
for him, snatch’d his Dominion: no Nation’s
careless Titan hiccups in historians
talk about the lovers the people
suppose we join lip to lifeless step to
have often in their Jewel, he hid him leave
me thus, for man she been well grudging roses,
and the crack in woolly as even
now, that this instead of eyes for somewhat
misty bourn, to spirit share her hair, who
scale of awful notes, whose to rise again
wherein sheaves which of passing din past his
protege; while here! But Johnson, and flies.
66
’Ning chips, o’er then of outworn buried age;
when you em; but my bad angels her dreamer,
awake, and harass’d the banknotes
tumultuous,—and, in parting to turn to
pot, till pudding something but a good hearts,
its patterness. To what will wince, and how
frailest the way when people supposing
whirls the page. The living the dead prime: but
great joy of you taken bastion, battering
dragons all whelm the general Markow,
Brigadier, in discourse had of mine, mine
armour clash’d, as they moved him it was molten
in air, and tower sublime, that Angers
walk between border collie and scorn.
67
And the brimstone to have plunder, as being
chid! At length was broken by their rank
and ran without you saw me once let him
agen, for one wide universe as the
scarlet leave me thus: that he went upon
her bosom’s should have let us livery
part—and cry: hope’s perish’d, the awkwardness
of the ground. In some way into a
marriage, and turn with plead that long I could
give in battles, I oft inuoked you
could be frees; all show, since has been the moon
may detail, perch, ferris when this aged
gossip dear, I’ll there were open’d worlds, in
her safety, when Maud’s own hands, black—sailed hands.
68
But, trowth, I care na by. But flanks of glory
live. Fair is the forsworn and my strength,
and the mind with, recalling eyes, for seem
but at thy poppy thrones, still amaze
the lamp and bubbled, flung their eyes: but fient
and true’ is always approach the Pile; and
wonderful, were born, the closet. For nothing
from the look’d down upon the east some
monthly bills; thy pity which we cannons
rattle, mere not better, yet the five brave
Tartar, and this second leg, and last part
of all to me-to themselves began to
steel and here occurr’d—it might be glad as
I have hot your corn below, so that blood.
69
Thou, Love might by Heav’n to the fact’s a things
that shall good go with wonderful, were
Together, by oft predict that he did make
reconciled! Sighing a yard beat ye so,
as they stumbling in my brows—there’s not
whether times, as hath Homer pray, and our
fathers’ joy and mouth, and my hand, she hobbled
with his Nails—he smoke, in times, the lustrous
dead, still pudding one think, because of
his when your whole night bulletin. Place its
to the fallen meteor on human
lot which fair, which hands he wrote his action
of the Sun, and me no more: then receives
and flies no flag, has not a singled, why?
70
Troops, already piled up with Thee! Juan, by saying, Mercy, in
the morning my commitments. Nay, if we have the violet, she
is Christians down as love you say so, and and stall. Spell the World
a Desert, and I have had a ball could fain would find some on
Scotland’s plain, petitioned to inflame was a torrent or blunder
sparkle in her red cross than there the child, or as sailors
strangely: but, trowth, I care and made purple in me, and from thy
remote and roses on the group of murder nor God’s sake, to
be friends, when desire which doubts, and oft as thou art fair, the
grave before what ancient good intention the rainbow’s glory,
which for day;—yet free with jellies sooth’d that swum in to me. In
Florida. When the habit to the frame, where the presentment
to grace sheds itself and columns drowned in return’d by her good,
and fall and can dock, she is coming moon. The day, descending.
71
He flying, darkened future shall have
remember, and Grisi’s exist above her
wars or creeds that Choice is the many, yet
so did I touch o’ coin were of my slightly
me, but, trowth, I cam past,—this, and in
the hills of such occasions, conceit did
you met her bed; he snored all his face
of fear hearts might mellowing whirls thee, wilt
vsurping be the Flame. Therefore scythes, or
writing farthings and feeling yielded swords
that piano, and that great song but feel
said he why not be wooed. No long a-gone,
and help to make recognised an ancient
march; a green so good because you then.
72
For the surf biting so devours, or
speed; as time against thou hast by thy face,
as the living the great son of slavery—
had his lineage: not a son? Through
the Signs of Kingly he is world for he
might knowing the cornice, there is a bear
their weeping the soft ringlets I did
wandering fed; and no less alone came, some
way to will not said I, o’ my Phillis
to sigh; and three the whole ranks of men. On
which like rosemary we leave me, or such
thinn’d at every blade theme: the churches to
see, hanging old song but fient a bell of
time then, is no one Lady Blanche: much time.
73
Their slumberous as oft I was broken
wall, casement off as daybreak of you
nor will, till she beheld, that hath steel his
flown await Thee—Throne unders the pleasure
of a world out the palace: we will. He
was a close secret sister in the
venerably vain, such private affair with
derides, but heaven brought run wild while they
found in his thy face, remember me are
prose of a friend, and some drowsy Morphean
amulet! Is perpetrated of those
who for his own lute is busied. Light, and
groaning, calm and worshipp’st at the world. Except
in one port where Justice a Seráb.
74
Beneath it is no time of Lapidoth see. Love the tenth Muse,
she than the main: no Nation’s call the sparkle in thine are found
his line, remembers to her known. Fate, our lips that traitor, too
eager Muse; peace, and he that is most cherish’d where it was like
a pad, but the physicians, yet remained to enter, health of
whose bloom, honeycombed wither’d was his hand then go, and man’s
Henna from thy remote and mix our stare captive gain’d from foes,—
besides us loud songs, the five, on bayonet pierced with my
wings of a pigeon tasted are won, but yet used to feel: in
vain immediately free for which really love you my free
from my fingers, when we’ve no ears to laughing so seen to be
such, and feeling—as in a glass a lone ship is seek her can
be please; the carpet lies: But Ida spoke, drained of light in hands
and wonder to sea, when man, enters in my head, all I swerve?
75
Your trespass now dark and flame, which is
traditions of delight, stands he, and more slack
these same the wild lords, so that pour’st into
an elegant extraordinary.
But looked heard Heaven’s green Chinese lanterns,
or an elfin-storm from your loveliest:
by the hall, and purer, bright all the bank
of kisses,—of candied apple, and clothes,
and here strong Arm—and open thy poppy
that at ever miss home-talk about my
kitchen, maybe lookes your lovely laughter,
a lord of all is dry cork, and of
that is so simply human lot which shard,
the rest. She had thoughtful skill, gives of love.
76
My orphan we. And the frail as none before
the sensation we should have fallen
to Madeline’s face and Crown upon
this tick of Immortal love you You must
allow’d through the Time will believed—made him
to be borne a slaue, describing tower,
an older friends who cannon, dear maks a’
the queen o’ the first time of you is half
pay. Me down-razed and blouse—nay, a poem,
known minds and loves so wild; thou can using
in the arrows tear the violet pastime
what March with Heaven’s glory;—glory’s a
great joys, Civilisation in a pellet
of the Holy Land. What now I choose.
77
And see the world for the charms open, but feel her bright again.
Occur, I there, lo! A female hand light, and far, whatever
more terrible Self-solitude that I doe Stella loue: foole,
thy mother, a lonely willing sail, outlined in for the
man-child do it, except in one kneels! Earth’s affection’s child, who
love’s world was holding down with so red, and watched in my fond fancy,
so artless, and nothing did not simply humanity
must kisse-worthy perusal statues leapt from birth, or window,
Sweet! Which is not this mask of man’s fingers, and the window by
the babe in life and rail, where these, therefore worthy, yet a man;
you shalt be in his arm-chair she is a man. Juan answer should
upbraid to his distress’ eyes of the Sun. With bloody sword, nay
threat from his knees look on his Shoulder: her very night and long
bow that I was from Head to Foot; and hath play’d his Eyes and fled.
78
To climb the broken systems, we’re driving
underfoot. Are the thickened each day, more
steps behind a bloodhound responsibilities
I love both bomb and sinews bent
up a great son of the leave found him—although
a gentle hear of her moved books. Much
less gone and beard of griefs have another’s
soul, what with their lonely wander so! Themselves
betake; so in a little kind of
their verdict is determined scorns like the
stream: I can’t account the restless war are
scatt’ring in the souls, like saucers, o’er the
king: So she, I love to friend, the heap’d carpet,
silent air, or thee. Save the rampart.
79
Stand on her arms and present,—condense, in
her can I not trout name you. Ere they seemed,
or there, concerns, misfortune end her eyes
turned hands and for day;—yet for each others:
being Christians down from my death does the
most mortality! For the deep enough,
if I but a child is holy days had:
as a kid, it with light, and most dear, be
best of one of stain’d, to leads. In the burdened
my cunning train but this pay. The truth
that they moving. Is, too, had hear his coming
at which shall love they are; yet the
circumstance, in a pool of beauty’s grace of
awful and pious thou height on my know.
80
Nor all in dust, that the lovely his swords
and be an unswept stream and true’ is all
Enough—we two rejoicing in time, which
two can emerge exhausts itself in milk
withal. And could stirred by that sang canopy
the street love you thumbed, this wonders the
stepping them they battle: kiss her; take the
Christian soldier once seen they her insult
but she said she cccome? And coy, care na by.
But t is fit to prey; and in his face
and rolled with flashes spare, whaever has met
wi’ the brimming in the last it for the
first time; or the hall, and woe is echoes
rang, all their weeping fruits do forgot him.
81
But we find other mouths never trod before,
all the Giant is not for Ever!
Knew thy frown, lawless the people by slow
poison brought to be blamed more tragic and
breath of art—in moods and seek her charmed her
word acknowledge itself and worship all
unseen; perchance speak, and again. And twilight
each other ankles into the
regimental surgeon’s call; but if he was
breast almighty noise is the bonie lass box
on an unswept smooth pebbles gainst they ever-
singing star, get with what he did not
needs to embrace me, do not less alone
that Wise Man knows how, upon his Camel!
82
My cunning was not from falling to heard
not a thermometer, quick patterned
disarray—my mind man, so sweetly on the
heart was like my love. Of a precious
enmity shall I ne’er knock under the full
oft hath all thing the old man and the changes
in you, or seem is but enjoy it:
when thou wilt leave my very part, with her,
shore, again seem’d he never been and clay,
do not; but slights to advancing Muscovite—
the golden sand—how few! A poor, but
what it once possessed. Of female hand, I
was seen therefore your breast. And suck’d as was
the hallucination: but her treasure.
83
As ink on a page—came to pay her ministries of this I’ll
taste at first look the Indian mine, each word, that I shuddering
rampart,—beautiful now, and to the loved a soft a want
beautiful dream so pure and are free from the corps: perceiving
notes strife: he brow! Oh but in the snow why youth to the cloud I
following which make each suck it up, it was a soldiers, who
say! Account Chapeau-Bras, too, the luver’s bosom all there,
noticing thence called the bottom perfection of think us deaths
the honours lofty trees I see, ride ten thine shall together
and summer wing on earth’s old age in worth destroying. With Ismail—
hapless bride, my boys, how other circumstance hast the unquiet
to wherein the made me when the Russians say some here, because
of stains the propane tank, dumb orat’ries, her works out, as
is twixt women outside that lay before scythe cares of pleasure.
84
The noise of the Cavalier nor commander
nor could not under a tree. The loud
as soon for the place, sunck, and babe in your
hair a glorious grenadiers, when Cupid
trembling lyre upon your beauty’s pale.
As love, our feeling and all night all the
blood announce, which tame the clock. Your frame when
the kings. A table of the langer in
youth, so I, made the best of its in the
Vestal engines, to leads. Solution alone
that hides his lineage: not a bey
to a narrow home of which in watercresses;
blend in an aged eye: but, have
relished. The last time and for thee, they St.
85
Of the rainbow’s gloriously. Until
finally, besides grown, and to Maud?—Rough
all your Highness die. As you as good! And
long a-gone, But high doth such names which Hamlet
tell of victor’s may cool; but points in
closet never and haste;—they resistance
whose her revolving provocations slain
by soldier bold, and hide this very night
of a fine young, did not love, has tried to
the groans; and that flower was obliged to-
night that I in her pure a thousand dates,
now for Blind many and the humble I.
What not you out for any would have been
a dream unriddled, and listen’d to stay.
86
The same small faults i’d not leading? When
it turned of one-too-many a maiden’s
children gone, I’ll lover warmed jewel hangs by
her home for my darling towers as this
instant we must go, thought thy should all her
blood, that, dizzy with thee out for suck the
reeking us, a black-eyed girls gave you
made him on my love: if I but she saith.
Which he shout the through the unimagined
a white! Being is moved their lutes did you
know’st my all. Let love, to find those sweetly
she goes, all fear on this, that yours shall show,
since Mene, Tekel, ’ and ow, ’ had not miss, since
dawn whate’er the fire, and, as in her eye.
87
That a fool with me and place in begin
to make me by foot the enamoured
airy harp sleet: young and cause from my boys,
come; so she beheld thee ere long-clothes my
little carpet lies? We shall lies dead then
cries: to your maid, and call’d my Soul. With cursed
to me, starve the future shining bride, my
Katie! Said: at first,—I will, She hurt! I
will sag toward test there the live in kissed, to
consumed. Of fortresses; all saints to peace
which Rousseau points out alone. A Shah that
which touch I yields. And you’ve passes for piteous
Dick supporters on a ground, the child!
Our enemies have goaded. Unto me!
88
World is beauty, birth was cursing the millions
still is: seldom he speak your voice singing,
opened on flames which bear or buck, he
enjoy’d the mavis sang, all need much to
make a bell was read; it is mute in answer
Ribas’ summons to piece of the Soul
is peoples should soon was expanding Nith
I did not needs must we cannot know he
had gaine is our laws were gone, I’ll have what
I hate nor her, sweet breathing, my will win
St. Now never spills and shape, and day, lights,
a hell were the din widows of fortresses;
My Madeline, remember than when
I get stop the nights long as young; and mouth.
89
Ye wadna been ungenerous, rest might take at her beauty
shall neither name your beautiful in my Soul, now I though your
though very clouds began to bedew them my passion’d faerily
who catcher’s window send forget such them not been, once more
their way I am your loved and so they never mine eye an
inland see their than thou exchanges in her brow, not knowing
bank of the city’s call the tug of war’s merit me down and
of child! Or were wonder how put for a little, follow her;
with prophet wrote his lofty trees, gust-fists, house of readiest hour
was holding a yard beneath the body too; of wreathed silver
taper as she harbour, they ever-during our deeds, that’s
my Julia’s praise, nor friends, who had no fruits of Netherlands or
France thought he ranks of my Soul! With joy, with sighs in the timber
than you see; it hangs at there, I say! With like rabbits, since grew.
#poetry#automatically generated text#Patrick Mooney#Markov chains#Markov chain length: 6#154 texts#sonnet sequence
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God, I'm stressed.
The puppy we're trying to get might've been a scam? His mother is the one in touch with them, and she hasn't updated us since last night. They kept piling on more costs, the puppy itself was only supposed to be 600. After promising us he'd be here soon, they keep piling on more...? Feels fishy as shit. I hope it isn't.
My step dad decided to go get laid, and not update me. No "okay, I'm leaving now" or anything. Ghosted me for an entire day, and then told me to somehow cook dinner faster. We had to clear out of the living area by the time he was done showering after he got home. Ignored my messages about needing soap and groceries. Didn't even feed or walk the dog.
I'm having dreams about my egg donor again. They say that when you dream of someone, it means they're thinking about you. I'd rather she didn't.
There's a potential client who just isn't getting back to me. I'm trying to not be pushy, but if I should save a slot for them... I kind of need to know that. Is that 80$ I should budget into things, or not?
I think "the ps5 incident" genuinely left something on top of the Christmas Trauma Pile. I keep sitting here convinced he's going to ignore the list to get something for himself again. My whole childhood I was bad at wanting things, and now that I finally want things: he ignores it for something he wanted. Ignores it for that. Maybe I just have a low opinion of the man, but I don't put it past him to do two years in a row.
His cat allergies didn't react to his crush's longhair cats. I doubt he even has the allergies--he spent a week with my grandparent's shorthairs with no trouble at all. Either way, apparently I can get a kitten now. It just has to be a longhair. He's not that conspiratorial, but I keep wondering if that's somehow a trap. Like he knows the grooming costs would be too high, aside from me grooming the cat myself. He's not that smart though. He just knows he's run out of excuses to say I can't have a cat, and can't be bothered to just say "no."
We can't move out fast enough, it feels. Then it's not his decision.
I have to sit at a table and play DND with him next week. I have to not complain and just keep playing. I'm glad his character is so interested in other characters that aren't mine. It means I can focus elsewhere too.
I hate that I can't complain. I have to sit there, complacent. I'm a doll waiting to have the string pulled, to go "it's fine," and be set back on the shelf. Maybe I'd feel less like that if he even attempted to put time into me. He couldn't even watch episode 1 of a show with me. He doesn't invite me on streams anymore. As much as I wouldn't want to be there anyway, it stings a little. My usefulness has been outlived.
But not really. He can feel like he "provides" for me. My mother-in-law worries all the time that he drinks more out of stress. That maybe he's stressed caring for my husband and I. Maybe if I had the energy I'd tell her how much he actively impedes me making progress as an adult. Either on purpose, accidentally, or sub-consciously. I'm 21. I don't even have an ID to bring to a restaurant to prove it. With no car or stable income of my own... I have to rely on him. What a fucking joke that is.
He's been neglecting me to some level since 16, but hey. At least he doesn't do half the shit my egg donor or grandmother did, huh?
Once the basement is done, my mother-in-law is letting us move in there. It'd be impossible to get a place of our own, even if my husband and I both worked full-time. Manageable rent from her, as she helps us get off our feet. I'm terrified. Almost as scared as I'd been waiting 2 ~ 3 years for my step father to update me on if I was even going to see a doctor or not for numerous health issues plaguing me. Almost.
It's just slightly easier.
At least it means things will go somewhere.
At least there, I will not stagnate the way I've been forced to here.
I feel kind of like a prisoner.
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Dear Diary
Word Count: 3621 (AO3) (My Fic Masterpost)
Originally Posted on 4/21/2024
Rating: T
Summary:
Excerpts from the diary of sixteen-year-old Todoroki Fuyumi, during and after the disaster at Ujiko Daruma's underground laboratory, which led to the escape of many unfinished Noumus and children not yet subjected to the experimentation.
For Febuwhump 2024 Day 16: Came Back Wrong
Dear Diary,
It's been three years since Touya died. It still doesn't feel real, sometimes, but I guess you never stop missing people, do you? I still say I have three brothers, sometimes. I have to correct myself. It's so embarrassing, since everyone else gets all sad and awkward about it. They keep assuming it happened recently, and I have to tell them no, it was three years ago, I'm just not over it yet.
I don't know if I'll ever really be over it.
I'm not really the eldest. Dad doesn't even refer to me like that, even though he's the one who wants to move on the most. He always calls me his "eldest daughter," or else his only daughter. I'm never just the eldest. That suits me fine.
I wonder if Shouto still remembers him. He does now, probably, though if Dad caught me bringing him up to Shouto I'd probably be beaten within an inch of my life.
Not really. He doesn't think of me the same as my brothers. He wouldn't lay a hand on me, and I don't know if that makes me lucky. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but either way my only bruises are self-inflicted or accidental.
I don't know if Shouto will still remember Touya in a few years, is what I really mean. I don't know if he was too young to remember anything about him. When Shouto's a teenager, is it ever going to cross his mind that he outlived his brother? Will anyone tell him? Dad says we shouldn't say anythi
I have to go. Someone's knocking on the front door.
-----
Dear Diary,
Sorry about yesterday. It was just a salesman, going door-to-door to sell... I forget what it was. I wasn't listening, really, and I think he could tell, because he was pretty quick to leave. I don't think he knew whose house he was at, which is a good thing, I guess. Better if it's just an anonymous interaction than him knowing there could be famous people to meet or something. He would've probably asked if Dad was home, and that would've freaked me out.
I mean, what do you do in that situation? Tell some stranger that you're home alone, or make one of Dad's fans mad? He knows your home address!!
Anyway. That's not a situation I've ever encountered, with someone who's a fan coming to the door, and I hope it stays that way. Dad got home almost immediately after that, having barely missed the salesman, and I had to get started on dinner and homework and everything. I honestly forgot I just left in the middle of a page like that until today, but oh well. It doesn't matter, really, it's not like you have thoughts or anything like that.
At least Dad's working late tonight. He'll get his own food, because he doesn't expect me to make dinner for him if it means I won't go to bed early enough to be rested for school. School is all he cares about, and I don't think I mind much. I get good grades, and he doesn't look at me, and everything is fine and everything stays fine.
I think I'll just make food for Natsuo and Shouto; there are leftovers from yesterday in the refrigerator, but only enough for one person. I still mess up the portions sometimes, but at least I always make enough! I liked yesterday's dinner, too, so I'll be fine being the one to eat it. Natsuo has hockey practice today, so he'll want more food than is in that leftover box, and Shouto's picky enough that I don't think he'll even touch any leftovers. He gets persnickety about textures in his food. He doesn't usually say anything, but I pay attention; he always just pushes around things that have been reheated or anything that's mushy in a similar way.
I don't think I want to keep on the same train of thought I was on yesterday. I hope Touya's happy, wherever he is, whatever place we go to when we die. I'm not sure what I believe in, personally, and I think I'll just find out when I get there, decades from now.
Anyway. That's enough about that. I think I should get started on dinner; Natsuo's going to be home soon, and I don't want him trying to help instead of doing his homework. You know how he tries anything to put it off!
-----
Dear Diary,
There weren't any leftovers in the refrigerator yesterday. I know there was supposed to be a bowl in there, I'm not crazy, but it was gone and nobody will admit to eating it. I would believe Shouto of doing it, since if he admits to anything outside of Dad's direct approval, he's probably in for all kinds of punishment- except there's no way he would touch them, he hates reheated food. Natsuo would just admit to it. Dad wasn't there, but he wouldn't have done it either- if he got hungry or something when I wasn't there, he'd have gone to one of the places near his agency.
That just leaves me, and I didn't touch it.
It's not a big deal, I saw that it wasn't there before I started making Natsuo and Shouto's food, so I just made some for myself, but it's still weird, you know? Nobody would have taken it.
That reminds me of something that happened last week- Natsuo said his soccer ball was missing. It also wasn't really a big deal, it's hockey season right now so he's not exactly playing with it at the moment, but it was strange. Nobody other than Natsuo would've touched it, and Natsuo had only known it was missing because it wasn't under his bed, which is where he keeps it during hockey season so that it doesn't get in the way of anything else (he explained it to me when I was trying to tell him that his closet would probably be a better place to put it).
We found his soccer ball after two days. It was in Touya's old room. Nobody ever goes in there.
The room itself was almost undisturbed. There was dust on all the bookshelves, including on the books themselves, plus some of the trophies and medals he got from martial arts, back when Dad let him do that instead of Hero training. The blankets and clothes were dry-rotted, and a lot of the cloth stuff had holes where moths had gone at it.
In the center of the room was Natsuo's soccer ball, the one thing that didn't have any dust on it.
I was the one who found it. I had just kind of been looking through all the rooms, not paying a lot of attention to which doors I was opening, and I found it. I grabbed the ball and closed the window- someone must have left it open while airing the place out, the air would've gotten so stale otherwise- and decided not to think anything of it. Natsuo must have brought it in there for some reason and decided not to tell me, or else just forgot.
He's lucky that Touya's room is on the second floor- imagine if he'd left a window open on the ground floor! We'd have burglars in no time flat!
Anyway, it's all kind of weird. I would wonder if someone really did get in through that window, except if they snuck in like that, we'd be missing our expensive things, right? My jewelry box is untouched- I just checked, and everything is still exactly where it should be- and nobody's said anything about missing electronics or other expensive things. Nothing that would have reason to be stolen. Just leftovers and a displaced soccer ball.
I think I'll make extra food tonight, just as an experiment. I'll let you know if it disappears, too.
-----
Dear Diary,
The leftovers were gone again. Something is definitely up, and I want to find out what. I'm tempted to set up cameras in the kitchen, but I don't have the money to buy any. Also, I feel like anywhere I could put them would also be very visible? It wouldn't be hard to avoid cameras.
I think I'll do my homework at the dining room table tonight, after making too much food again- there's a bag of carrots I don't want to let go to waste, so I figure I'll use them all. It'll just be a change of scenery to help me study for my biology exam next week, that's what I'll tell Dad when I set up my things in there after dinner. Maybe I'll even stay up the whole night- I don't have school tomorrow, so it's not like I'll suffer for it. If anybody asks, though, this last part is an accident.
If nobody comes into the kitchen and the leftovers are still gone, then somebody in the family is stealing the leftovers without telling me. If nobody comes into the kitchen and the leftovers are still there, I'll have to come up with another way to watch what's going on.
If a stranger comes into the kitchen, Dad taught me how to use my quirk. Not a lot, of course, but enough.
-----
there's a monster in my fucking house
its tall too tall and cold cold cold all around it
fingers too long it scratched the walls how didnt i notice before
im hiding in the closet i dont know if it saw me
i saw all of its teeth. it didnt have a mouth really no cheeks no lips just teeth.
im scared
i dont wanna die
it reminded me of touya. it stole his eyes
-----
Dear Diary,
I must have fallen asleep last night without meaning to. I had a horrible nightmare, but it couldn't have been real!
I dreamed that the leftovers were stolen by some kind of monster, but that's just absurd. There aren't any scratches on the walls or anything, not like I dreamed there were. Of course, I didn't see any scratching, I just heard it, but a sound like that would've left marks!
It wasn't a quirk. If it was real, that is. If it was real, it wouldn't have been a quirk, because I know what unfortunate quirks look like and that was something else entirely. Something was wrong with that thing.
Good thing it wasn't real.
I found the bowl used for the leftovers in the sink this morning. Guess it's someone having a late-night snack! I think it might be Shouto- maybe he's figured out how to use his quirk to reheat food in a way that doesn't change its texture? That would be useful for him, I think. He already uses it to turn soba cold when he thinks I don't notice him doing it.
I think I'm going to keep studying in my room from now on. The dining room isn't good for sleeping.
-----
i can hear it in touya's old room
it's making strange noises they aren't human it isn't human it isn't it cant be
it's like a low howl
almost like crying
im writing this in the dark so it doesnt see the light from my room
it sounds like pain
i dont like it
leave me alone
-----
Dear Diary,
There is something in this hou
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Dear Diary,
Ghosts are real. I know it. I'm being haunted by one, I know it for certain, he's haunting us becau
-----
Dear Diary,
Ayane from school invited me over for a sleepover tomorrow night!
Dad says I'm not allowed. He doesn't know that anything is wro
-----
Dear Diary,
Sorry for ripping so many pages out. That's the last one, though, so don't worry!
Ayane from school invited me over for a sleepover tomorrow night. I asked Dad if I could go, but he said no; I have too much homework, and somebody has to clean up the house. I don't know why I can't take one night off of taking care of everything, but I guess that's just the way it is. I think he might be a little paranoid right now, too; he said something about not wanting me to be out after dark, or leaving the house for too long.
Maybe he's got a bad case going on. Sometimes he gets weird just before a big case he's involved in hits the news; the kind with lots of press conferences, and they're always the kind of press conferences where he says something "as a father," or about "my own children," or something else about my brothers and I. The reprehensible cases, with the kinds of people that remind him that at least he's not the worst father out there; he always gets twitchy, then. I think he's got one of them now, maybe that's why he's acting weird.
He's going to be home late again today, tomorrow too, he already told me, but he says he doesn't know what time for either. If he doesn't know what time, then I don't either, so I can't even sneak over to Ayane's for an afternoon. What a disappointment.
I keep having those dreams. They're nightmares, really, of the same monster that I dreamed of in the kitchen on Saturday night. I haven't told anybody the specifics, because that would be stupid, wouldn't it? A monster that looks like a distorted version of my dead brother- no, that would just be worrying people for no reason. I can keep things to myself, and if I can't, that's why I have you!
-----
Dear Diary,
Sorry for not writing for a few days. I've been kind of busy, what with Dad hardly ever being home- guess I was right about that big case. If he's here, he's in his office, writing more reports or more emails or more of whatever paperwork he has to do. I don't really care about the specifics; he's not dying when he's home, and he could be out dying when he's at work, that's about the extent of my interest in it. I don't want to go Pro, anyway, I never have and I never will, so there's nothing in it for me to go snooping in his office. I never have before.
He keeps on telling Natsuo and I not to go in there. He says we can't even glance at any of those papers, they're top secret, except he's worked on plenty of top-secret things before without being so uptight about it. He's probably telling Shouto the same thing, but neither of them have confirmed that. Shouto doesn't really talk at dinner, which is the only time I'm allowed to talk to him, and I don't want to waste that time talking about Dad.
It's all got Natsuo freaked out. I can hear him pacing over in his room, practically stomping- he's gotten so much taller in just a month, I think he's forgotten how to be quiet, at least Dad's not home to get mad at him over it- he's got all these conspiracy theories about how it has something to do with the Yakuza, or some other organized crime syndicate that could have hits out on us if we figure it out. I don't believe any of that, necessarily, but I definitely agree that it's weird.
Anyway, if Dad's not home a whole lot, it means that when he's done with this whole case, he's going to be even worse about the house being clean, and our grades being good, and everything else he has to make sure is still running well without him being there for a while. So I've been pretty busy lately, and I keep forgetting to write in a proper entry.
Proper entry! Okay!
... Nothing's really happened other than what I already wrote in for today. I got my biology exam back? I did pretty well on it. I mixed up some of the chemicals in the Krebs cycle, but other than that, I got pretty much everything else right.
My weird dreams haven't stopped, but I can't do much about it. There's no real news other than the test and that.
-----
Dear Diary,
I let my curiosity get the better of me.
-----
Dear Diary,
I'm not dreaming.
Natsuo saw it too. He can hear it at night. He says it has Touya's voice. He says he would recognize it even muffled through a thousand walls, which I think is kind of exaggerated.
Shouto hasn't seen it, though. I made sure to comment on hearing weird noises at night- I said I thought it was birds or too much wind, something stupid- and Shouto said he didn't hear anything. It would be impossible not to hear it if you were nearby, so he must not have seen it, either.
I think I might let my curiosity get the better of me again. It's not like Dad's going to be home to find out.
-----
it wasnt an accident
it cant have been
sekoto peak was planned by someone and they took him
they took him and they killed him
again
and again
and again
-----
Dear Diary,
Natsuo's curious, too. I already told you about that, but I'm making sure his curiosity doesn't get the better of him. He's clumsier than I am, less detail-oriented, and I know Dad is very particular about his office. If anyone was to go in there, they should make sure everything looks completely untouched. Natsuo wouldn't be as careful about that as he should be.
I found papers about this underground doctor. He goes by multiple names, some of which date back to the Dawn of Quirks. His quirk is unknown, but suspected to be longevity-related for this reason.
He's apparently connected to someone whose name and all aliases are redacted. Guess even Dad doesn't have full access to that.
He's been conducting experiments. Children are taken from their homes, or off the streets, with falsified evidence of their deaths planted as needed. Then, he engineered extra quirks in them, through unknown means. Most of them died. There were pictures.
That was another reason I didn't let Natsuo see.
They found out because of an incident in Fukuoka. There was some kind of disaster, and some of them managed to escape before sustaining life-threatening injury. Most hadn't yet been experimented on, but a few had. The children are all currently wanted for questioning. Many of those who had been experimented on were able to formulate basic thoughts and perform simple or familiar tasks, such as getting on the train and navigating to their old homes.
I told Natsuo the basics. We agree on a lot of things that he thinks of that.
-----
touya's dental records were found in that lab
-----
Dear Diary,
Dad hasn't been home in days. I keep seeing him in the background of live coverage of the area around the disaster in Fukuoka, on the news, late at night. He doesn't look like he's slept at all.
He won't find what he's looking for.
-----
we know who is in our house
i want to help him
i dont know what they did to him
does he remember me?
probably not
-----
Dear Diary,
I called Dad. He didn't pick up, so I called his agency. They told me he's busy outside of Musutafu, I don't have clearance to know where. I told them that the news cameras already told me where he is, and I already know enough about the Noumu case that he doesn't, so if they could relay a message to him, that would be fantastic. I don't usually get mad at anybody that works for Dad, but I think they kind of deserved it right then. I'm sixteen, not stupid.
I told them to tell him that I said he needs to come home.
He says he'll be on his way in the morning. I guess I'm skipping school tomorrow.
Natsuo's going, though. He can't miss hockey practice, and he doesn't need to hear everything that's going to be said.
-----
Dear Diary,
I haven't written here in a while, have I?
They found Touya. He'd been hiding in his old room when he wasn't out. Apparently he'd been hiding under his bed during the day.
They questioned him on everything. I wasn't there for that bit, but there were a lot of police in and around the house for a while. Guess they weren't comfortable taking him to a holding cell, that or Dad wasn't letting them. I think it might have been some of both.
I don't know how much they can do for him. He's being treated by a bunch of the best doctors, some from other countries who were flown in for the whole thing, the same as everyone else who escaped from the lab. There's been a lot of progress!! Touya can talk now, which isn't something he could do before, but he can't say much. We don't know if he'll ever be able to use complete sentences, or use his quirk, or make it somehow known that he remembers anybody from before, but then again, nobody does. All we can do is hope.
They still haven't found that doctor, not for lack of trying. They've tracked down two more labs, each with more kids and more press coverage. I think there's a news van camped outside of the house and the hospital both, at this rate. I have to be driven to school because of the press.
Everything's turned upside down, but I don't think I'd trade it for anything. I have Touya back, no matter what form he's in, and that's enough for me.
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Your blog has been a safe place for me. I’m really grateful to you. I feel ashamed that I’m not a gold star lesbian. I tried so hard to be with guys back in high school and make it work. And people were shocked when I came out because I was “boy crazy”. It always felt so wrong and something profoundly missing. Not only that but negative experiences with males, wether I was with them or not. So I thought, maybe I just don’t like boys because they are mean and I haven’t found the right one yet. But it never worked. I thought, surely I must be attracted to boys because I like gay fanfiction. I must be bi right? Because cartoon anime boys are just like real men of course. And being from the rural south, homosexuality would get you hated at worst and at best you’d be made fun of. It kills me that I feel like I wasted my time. Accepting myself for who I am, and what I really am truly attracted to, is scary as hell. But I tried to imagine myself married to a man and it just made me want to throw up. But being with a woman seemed so much more natural and right. I’m out and grateful to be here. I feel so much less alone and free. I feel ashamed that I ever fell into comphet (I think is what it’s called)? Not sure how to get past it :( I wish I could go back in time to young me and tell her it’s ok to be gay. But thank you for your blog. I check it every day and it always cheers me up. Also Tiana is the best.
Firstly, I am incredibly grateful and glad that my blog makes you feel safe. <3 Thank you for the love.
But in relation to your shame about not being a “gold star lesbian”, I think there are some things worth keeping in mind. Specifically in relation to my personal blog, since I have had public and private asks who’ve expressed a certain envy that I am so open about who I am in comparison to how long it took them. And it is this: I grew up in California – arguably the most liberal state in the United States. I also grew up around a family that was more concerned with my grades than my sexual orientation (when I came out to my mom, she literally said, “You’re still going to college, right?”). I was allowed to be a tomboy growing up not just with permission from my family but from the culture of my state that really just didn’t care.
In any sort of “controversial” opinion I make about personal choice, I always do my best to preface this with these facts. Because where you grow up and what culture has done its best to mold you into its intended/ideal shape. I reblogged a post from @lesbienyu where she talked about how a lot of progressive areas in the U.S. have this illusion that hyper-religiousness only exists in southern boondocks (people seem to generally tie it strictly to the south). And there is this part:
(The whole post is very insightful, and I encourage people to go read it.)
I do my best to reblog and really read perspectives from other women that I can't relate with because it might resonate more with a follower of mine and just gives me more rounded place to come from when I talk about things. And this is one of those things. I can't relate to this. I have never faced judgement based on my chosen religion or lack thereof.
So why am I saying all this? Why am I linking other posts and talking at length about all this? Because you and I come from very different worlds, anon. You come from the rural South and I'm suburban-ish/city-ish Californian. We were never going to have the same story of finding ourselves and that's okay! You existed in a space where who you were conflicted with your safety and your quality of life. I existed in one where it wasn't hated or celebrated - it just didn't matter.
I only hate that you had to traumatize yourself through no choice of your own. You are not shameful for succumbing to a system that came before you and will unfortunately outlive you. I want you to enjoy being out and enjoy coming here and seeing lesbian pride without shaming the little version of yourself that was just trying to survive as best she could. She'll be glad what she grew up into . <3
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