#i mean what is accomplishes is shame but. personally im on the side of the transsexual coward

[hannahwriteshorror]

Innocent Eyes (part 2) - By Hannah Elizabeth Fisher

The next morning you woke up on the sofa, aching and uncomfortable. Pancake was sniffing at your fingers and nudging your hand with her nose. You slowly opened your eyes and pushed your hair out of the way as it dangled over your eyes. You felt sluggish, stuffed and sick. Finally your eyes adjusted and you fumbled around for your phone to check the time, it was only 10am. You rubbed a hand over your forehead and eyes, you adjusted yourself and slowly sat upright. “Fuck sake,” you complained. Sleeping on the sofa never ended well. As you stood, five or six chocolate wrappers fell out of your lap, joining the McDonald’s wrappers already in place on the ground. You stepped over them, while grabbing the empty pasta bowl from the coffee table and walked towards the kitchen. You felt ridiculously nauseous. What a shit show, you thought. My life is a shit show. The kitchen sides were littered with wrappers, a couple of dirty pans and empty mugs scattered about, crumbs from the snacks you had stuffed into your mouth reminding you of the shame you felt. You sighed, just as your phone buzzed. The group chat you shared with JJ and Nick had come to life, several messages pinging up on your screen. You opened them:

Nicky P: guuuuys. Finally found a gift for Elle, good to go, don’t have to bail on tonight now Jayjay: awesome. I’m glad u sorted it, was sick of ur constant moaning. Fefe: you all bring your own beer, or my door’s staying closed. Jayjay: don’t be like that, I bought u pizza last time Nicky P: can you two flirt elsewhere, I’m busy working Jayjay: just because ur working today and we aren’t doesn’t mean u can be mean Fefe: <3

You locked your phone and dropped it into the pocket of your sweatpants, and after a long sigh, set too tidying up your house, freeing it from rubbish and dirty dishes. You turned up your music as loud as it would go and opened all the windows, letting fresh air circle around the house. Luckily, the gang were coming over to watch movies tonight, so you wouldn’t have to be alone with your thoughts for too long. You were overwhelmed. You absently wondered what films they were going to chose, it was usually between something with super hero vibes or a horror movie. Your stomach knotted as you thought about Jay and Nick ordering pizza, the amount of food you ate last night was enough for an average person to feel ill for a day. And you knew you wasn’t hungry again, but they were so concerned about you and you knew that if they asked what pizza topping you wanted, you’d devour the entire thing with no holding back, meat feast with stuffed crust. You checked the time once more, there were four hours before they were due to arrive. You glanced around the lounge and kitchen, it was mostly tidy. You could be impulsive, but only at the worst moments. You ragged off your clothes and changed into something appropriate for the gym, and then you jumped into your car and drove away. I need to earn it, you told yourself over and over again. Earn it and I can have as much pizza as I like. Work off last night, that’s the best way to feel like you deserve food. You messaged the group chat again:

Fefe: guys, im just going to the gym so don’t come around early, okay? Nick: okay mate!! Is everything ok??? Jayjay: …felix… You reacted to Jay Manetti’s message: <3

Jay was extremely concerned and you didn’t even need to hear his voice to know that, so you ignored his message and locked your phone, putting it on aeroplane mode. No calls in or out, focus, Felix.

When you finally stumbled out of the gym, limbs aching and your water bottle refilled for the fourth time since you had arrived, you felt like you had accomplished something. You hadn’t checked the time. Your legs felt like jelly, as you pushed open the metal door and stepped into the blistering sunlight, while you flicked your phone back to the normal mode, ignoring the missed calls from Jay and letting the notifications pile up on the screen. You stowed it away back into your pocket and downed some more water just as the blackness started to seep in around the edges of your eyes. It felt like two hands were squeezing in around your temples, static filling in your ear drums. You heard someone calling your name, though you tried to focus on walking, one step at a time as it seemed to be getting progressively more difficult as you took each step. Thankfully there was a bollard close for you to lean on. You rested there for a second, taking short, hard breaths, your eyes looking up to the sky as dark clouds rolled in, and then it was dark. You could feel the hot tarmac underneath your skin, and hear a familiar voice calling your name. Sound started to get monotonous, and then nothing.

Your eyes fluttered open, and you were staring at Jay who was hovering over you like a clingy mother. His brows were furrowed at first but seemed to ease when he saw you really look at him. “Erm, hello,” you said to him, confusion must have been plastered all over your face because Jay shook his head at you. You realised then that there was a searing pain in your head, and a white hot scrape on your elbow that you could feel with your other hand. “You worried the shit out of me,” Jay said, batting your hand away from the cut, his innocent eyes gazing down. “I’ve cleaned that, leave it alone.” His tone was stern, a sound that told you not to argue. “Sorry,” you said quietly, “is Nick here too?” Jay shook his head at you, his hair falling over his face a little as he helped you sit up against a pillow. “No, he left about an hour ago. He’s got to set up for Elle’s birthday in the morning.” You could tell Jay was angry with you, but addressing the subject seemed impossible when you knew how far you had gone, how bad it was. Jay was watching your face change and he sighed softly. You risked a glance at his expression, it was hollow and exactly the reason you didn’t want to look at him. His face made you melt. Your feelings for Jay had been agonising over the years, and seeing him so disturbed, shattered you. “I don’t know what to tell you, JJ,” you said, a hand rubbing against your forehead, wishing you could put exactly what you were feeling into words. He covered your mouth with his hand, annoyance playing across is features. “Shut up. You’re staying here tonight. We were going to take you home, but Nick saw what a bad night you had so he thought it would be best-” You froze, staring at Jay as he talked through what had happened after they scooped you up off the pavement. They had checked the bins in your house. Nick helped you through it the last time it was this bad, so he knew exactly where to look. Embarrassment overcame you, and your eyes filled up and overspilled instantly, sobs erupting from your throat. You felt trapped here on Jay’s sofa with him perched on the edge of the cushion beside you, you wanted to jump up, go out into the street and run home where you knew you would feel safe. You heard Jay curse, and then there was a heavy blanket being draped over your head, tucked behind your back and under your feet, creating a warm tent on the sofa. The tears stopped flowing slowly once you started to feel warmer, and you rubbed at your eyes, looking up just in time for Jay to pop his head under the blanket and rest a comforting hand on your knee as he leaned into you. The pressure of his body against yours helped you to calm down, your breathing slowed. He didn’t say anything, he just waited for you to stop crying and he wiped your face with his sleeve. “I know this is hard,” he told you in a whisper, so quiet that you could barely hear him over your own breathing. “But we can get through it, we have too.” You managed to force a small smile, your hands wrapping around Jay’s wrists. You pulled him towards you and nuzzled into his hair, and he laid there on your chest. You felt safe again.

#creativewriting #creative writing #writing #writing horror #story writing #novel writing #horror #hulluni #hulluniversity #hannahwrites #hannahwriteshorror #eating #eatingdisorder #englishgraduate #english #disordered eating

[pen-observing]

eclipsed

synopsis: You’ve been hired from Fontaine to close a new deal. It just so happens that the man you are negotiating with looks too much like a soulmate as he sits across from you.

Diluc x reader word count: 570  warning: legit written in 15 minutes and word vomit because im going through it.

MASTERLIST

Diluc Ragnvidr enters your life in the same way that the sun enters the sky when it dawns; just to claim it’s throne. You suppose it seems rather fitting. Someone of his stature and elegance, someone who would even make the most stubborn stars bow down to them – deserves a throne. Even if he sees the matter of aristocratic families and legacy without honor as a nuisance.  

Are you the stars that bow down before him? Do you bend your knee with grace as he walks past you? Absolutely not.   You have your own pride and mission. You did not come to this town just to bend the knee so weakly. This trip is business. You can leave a starry trail on the roads you pass. You can even leave some stardust on the stairs of his home but you can never leave weakness adjacent to him and his existence. Why? Because finding love in a lover like the sun is not the objective with which you have been sent. You are here to negotiate a new deal for Fontaine.  

Diluc Ragnvidr is surely persistent about not loosening the terms. They told you before you left that it might take a month while you swore that all you need is 3 days at most. How foolish of you.

The simple spec of stardust and a weak gleam will not be enough. So, you are not the stars. The stars would have already been extinguished in his presence. You can’t change fate either. A shame.

In fact, you curse the stars for ever bringing you here. Being so proud of what you managed to accomplish, thinking that nobody could come close to the coercive nature with which you close business deals was not arrogance; it was simply the reputation that followed you. But now, you sit across a man who somehow manages to see through the manipulative attempts with sharp eyes.  

You sit across from the only other person that ever challenged you in such a way. In theory, you should be mad with wounded pride to disguise, but, all you can feel when he crosses his arms and looks your way is admiration.  

If you are not the stars; you are the moon. Him being the sun just means that you’ve finally met an equal. Naturally, you shine in different ways and with varying intensity but nothing else can come close to the two of you.  

It has been a week now and you are sure of it. Diluc Ragnvidr is the closest to a soulmate you’ve ever met. That is the conclusion which forms from the fountain called truth. Yet, it does not feel like the shock of waves hitting you on the shore.   After negotiations are finally over (on which you managed to compromise even if initially you wanted all in your favor) you decide to tell him. You’ve spent a week and a half arguing with this man through fake politeness to uphold expectation and manners. The last you can do right now is be honest with him before departing. If you’ve felt this strongly about someone then surely he must feel the same.

“I think I could fall in love with you.” - is what your voice says.

“Don’t.” - is all that he replies.  

You see, how foolish once again from your side. You two are not soulmates, you are twin flames at most. The stars or the moon do not rival the sun. Even if they did – you are neither. You are just someone who got eclipsed. And it is your fault.

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #diluc #diluc ragnvindr #if you want good fics don't read this it is just word vommit as im trying to work through it #diluc x reader #genshin imagines #angst #can yall believe he said dont #shocking drama #genshin writing #HOW DARE I GIVE THIS A COOL NAME BUT WRITE IT SO POORLY #I might rewrite it sometime with the same idea hmmmggnnh #watch me delete it later

[gills-corn]

The water running down Ligaya's hands turn reddish-brown. The tang of blood still lingers in her mouth but she allows herself to breathe. She could just easily wash that down with water. Bloodied palms are more damning, more dangerous, but God be damned if she didn't feel something course through her body as she fled the scene.

"You're home?" a groggy voice asks behind her.

Ligaya starts and smacks her hand on the sink but it's just Anita, looking ruffled, her hair and clothes windswept and there are traces of blood on her mouth and clothes.

Ligaya relaxes her shoulder and beckons the other woman to join her, clicking her tongue. "You have blood all over."

Snorting, Anita nudges Ligaya with her hip, grinning up at her. There's something in Anita's eyes as she flicks her gaze throughout her face, eventually settling on Ligaya's lips. Ligaya feels her heart stop.

"Having a few droplets of blood wouldn't put me in danger, Li," Anita whispers, her breath practically fanning Ligaya's face.

"You should still be very careful," Ligaya replies, as gently as the other girl.

The flickering of the oil lamp casts shadows on Anita's already sunken face but Ligaya is still hopelessly staring at her face as if it's the last thing she'll do. It's painful and pointless - this has been going on for fifty years, would she let herself crumble now?

"Anything for you," Anita replies with a wink.

Her tongue darts around her mouth, wiping off the excess blood. Ligaya, despite the abundance of blood in her system, feels like she could faint.

She takes a step back, picking up the pieces left from her shattered sanity, like a loon gluing back pieces of a broken vase. There's no saving her - she and Anita both, really - but she could pretend. She has gotten pretty proficient at that. Still, Ligaya is not a good actress. And Anita is too smart for her own good. Ligaya, despite not wanting to take her eyes off her friend, turns around and busies herself with a empty mug.

"So, who did you - "

"Eat?" Anita supplies, turning on the faucet.

Ligaya hears the water run before promptly nodding. "Don't forget to use soap."

"Fine," Anita grumbles.

Ligaya doesn't know how she still complains - half a century of doing this should be routine to Anita by now.

"I, uh, had a little excursion with Dominador - I think his last name is Tan? I'm not so sure," Anita answers, her voice a little too light.

Ligaya could hear the grin in her voice and she feels her chest clamp up. Stupid, stupid.

"And you ate him afterwards?" Ligaya asks, immediately having the courage to turn around and face Anita, who is now wiping her hands hastily on her skirt.

"Ligaya, darling, eating him was the excursion," Anita says, pursing her lips. "Are you suggesting - "

"Well, how was I supposed to know?" Ligaya exclaims, throwing her hand in the air. "I still don't know how you get these men alone and feast on their blood."

Anita smiles up at her, the type that makes Ligaya weak on the knees. She just scoffs and leans against the wall of their cramped kitchen, pulling out a lone cigarette from the pocket of her shorts.

"I have my techniques and you have yours," Anita replies. "Let's just say both of us are pretty good at what we do."

Sighing, Ligaya rolls her eyes and strolls towards the lamp, where she dangles the end of her cigarette at the flame and waits for it to light. Anita's right - while she's more of a femme fatale (a title Anita so rightfully claimed when she learned the word, referring to herself as such while Ligaya wanted to tear her hair out of her head), Ligaya's more of a 'corner-a-person-in-a-dark-street-and-literally-suck-the-life-out-of-them' kind of person. However differing their methods may be, they make it work. They feed, they survive, they push on as 'normal people', whatever that means. They constantly move places, for fear of being tracked down or seen as the death rates keep rising. They live. And living is more than enough for Ligaya, even if that means losing Anita to another man every single night.

She takes a drag and puffs it on Anita's face. Shame. Doesn't even do anything to mar her looks. Ligaya bites down a laugh as the other woman coughs gently, waving her hand around the air.

"Li, not funny," Anita remarks, sliding off the counter.

"We're virtually immortal, Ani. Besides, it's - it makes me destress," Ligaya answers, watching Anita bustle around the kitchen.

For whatever reason, Anita always scarf down 'human food' after eating literal humans. She says hunting is physically draining. Ligaya wouldn't know. All she does is wait in silence and try her best to not move but she always prepares something for Anita, or at least buy her something from the store. Because she's such a good friend, who may or may not have been following Anita like a lovesick teenager for the better part of the century.

"There's food in the fridge. From McDonald's," Ligaya answers, as casually as she can.

Anita pouts as she wrenches the door open, pulling out a slightly damp container. "I prefer Jollibee."

"Take what you can get, asshole," Ligaya mutters, inhaling another puff of smoke.

"Fine. Ooh, chicken!"

"So," Ligaya asks, watching Anita swallow down fried chicken like a starved dog, which is supposed to be disgusting but instead she finds incredibly endearing, "where did you dump the body?"

"Details, details," Anita answers, barely coherent with her mouth stuffed with food as she waves around a chicken bone. "I just placed him. . . somewhere."

"Jesus Christ," Ligaya groans.

"Hoy! Do not use His name in vain, remember?" Anita reprimands, making a quick sign of the cross with the chicken dangling on her hand.

"Anita, we literally kill and consume actual, live human beings. If hell were real, we'd be in it by now."

Anita lets out a cackle of laughter, something that kids in their town said resembled that of a witch. Well. Look where they are now.

"You sound like my mother. The oil lamp doesn't help. We have an emergency lamp, Li. We're not in 1950 anymore."

"Eh, I like this better," Ligaya says, gesturing to the lamp hanging near the kitchen sink. "Besides, I love the smell of kerosene."

"Of course you do."

There's no hint of malice in Anita's words - it was almost fond, tender - but Ligaya would prefer them to be that, anything else than what gives Ligaya cascades of something strange at the pit of her stomach.

Ligaya stubs out her cigarette with the tips of her fingers, which Anita once said was cool (Ligaya wore it like a badge of honor, like she would never accomplish anything better than extinguishing fire with her various body parts). As the smoke dies out, the electricity flickers back on. She almost misses the way how the orange blaze of the fire made Anita look in the dark but it doesn't really matter - in whichever lighting, Anita always manages to disarm Ligaya, over and over again. It's pathetic.

"You have work tomorrow?" Anita asks.

"Yeah. My manager says that I'm his 'favorite employee of the month', whatever that means."

"Ooh, maybe you can get to take him."

"Or maybe he's being a total creep."

"Your point does make more sense, not going to lie," Anita says. "You heading to bed soon?"

"I'm still too worked up to sleep. I can still feel the guts of the lady I ate earlier inside my stomach."

Anita snickers, in a tone-down version of that laugh of hers, and presses a kiss on Ligaya's cheekbones, light as a feather. Ligaya feels like she could melt onto the floor of their kitchen as Anita walks to her bedroom, her footsteps getting heavier and heavier with each step, clearly tired. For whatever reason, Anita was always a morning person, not even after this whole thing happened to them.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Ligaya sighs as she leans her head against the wall, too hopeless, too dumb, too in-love. She wants to bash her head against the wall and die but she doesn't want Anita to see that image, however often they see dead people.

Anita and Ligaya are far from normal but Ligaya tries to be. She's just your usual young woman in the city trying to go through day-to-day, despite of the fact that she turns into an actual monster at the stroke of midnight. In a way, her pining over her best friend, makes her feel grounded, makes her feel more humane in some way. She knows others don't consider her as human, but if loving and hurting are all just part of the human condition, then she'd be the most perfect human to ever exist on the planet.

She's just Ligaya, a seventy-five year old in the body of someone fifty years younger, a waitress at a restaurant, has some sort of nicotine dependance, eats people on the side, hopelessly in love with another woman with the enticing dark eyes and sickening grin. Human or not, she decides, she's still living - whatever living is, she still isn't quite sure, but she has an idea. Living is what things in this world are meant to do and it's what fuels Ligaya every day.

"Hey, can you go to bed?" Anita suddenly says as she emerges from her bedroom, her face groggy and her body swamped with a huge set of pyjamas she might have stolen from a victim.

Ligaya thinks that she's still too beautiful, too close to perfection.

"Why?"

"I can't stay up thinking that you're not sleeping."

"I said, we're im - "

Anita sighs. "I know. Just - go to sleep? Please?"

Ligaya, like every other living creature, is a fool. And, sorry to Anita's Catholic guilt, God be damned if she isn't the biggest fool on the planet.

She nods and follows the other woman to their shared bedroom. Tomorrow's another challenge, she thinks, but tonight, she's going to let herself let loose, like her wings against the midnight sky when she's feeling ravenous for blood.

#short story #sapphic #wlw post #filipino #mythology #shall i continue this as a novel of some sort?

[tonysopranosfeverdreams]

idk if you’re like. doing these for everyone or just specific ppl, but

alex g: harvey, sorry, gnaw, bobby

mitski: a burning hill, my body’s made of crushed little stars, old friend

phoebe: i know the end, moon song, scott street, & don’t judge be but. her cover of you missed my heart 💀

I knooo id be happy to do some if anyone wants to hear my opinions i don’t mind i love analyzing stuff asjdjksfjdfdjsf

So one thing that I think of all of your favorite Alex G songs point to, which is interesting, is this tension between different parts of yourself that sometimes seem to contradict each other and which  you can have difficulty reconciling maybe sometimes? Harvey as the first one you mentioned I think lends to this idea because first of all you have this real allegiance to your close friends and/or family that sort of drives you at your core but you feel this pressure from others holding you to this standard of traditional/expected models of success that you’re not sure you fit into at the same time that you don’t want to let down the people you care about. Similarly, I think Bobby has an essence of insecurity like my life and relationships are very messy, the lines are very confusing, I don’t always understand exactly what’s going on, but a deep drive to do right by the people you are connected to to the best of your ability. So I think you can doubt yourself but you have a lot of love for many people in your life that sort of bleeds through everything you do. You would do anything for the people who are important to you, even though you’re not sure if it’s enough, and put them first. 

 Sorry and Gnaw I think  also have this element of dueling sides of the self  but I think at their core they’re also really about the shame that comes from not being able to keep yourself “in check” and from emotions and feelings that you didn’t want other people to see floating to the surface despite your best efforts and the destructive/self-destructive things you did to cope with that vulnerability. But the really interesting thing about both of those songs being ones you mentioned,  I think, is that  as time went by the initial shame and embarrassment and need to coverup whatever you were feeling isn’t what stuck, but the awareness that you could have hurt someone else with those behaviors, and a sadness about that.  So I think you’re very reflective and self-aware almost to a fault, and tend to ruminate and obsess over the effects you could have had on others even in your personally very distressed or self-destructive moments more than necessarily being concerned with yourself.

 Sort of in a similar vein to ALL of those songs, a  Burning Hill and My Body’s Made of Crushed Little Stars both seem to speak to me to this sense  of a tremendous pressure that you feel to accomplish or achieve something that  feels meaningful that can really wear you down but also this desire to achieve it to prove (mostly to yourself more than anyone else maybe) that you can and sort of make something of yourself. You are very hard on yourself and have a very all-or-nothing attitude when it comes to success, and can discount your own achievements because you don’t think they’re Enough. At the same time, you have this rebellious streak I think that AGAIN rejects the traditional hierarchy of what other people deem as successful or normal and thrives on the chaotic and confusing aspects of life and is able to find the beauty in them and in rejecting what other people expect of you. 

Old Friend is maybe circling back more to Bobby vibes where you have this tendency to have messy relationships where you’re not sure exactly where the lines are or what exactly it is you are feeling all the time, but you also kind of like them for that reason  and enjoy the confusing ways of forming connection and showing affection that come with. You are nostalgic to a fault and find comfort in connections from the past and tend to carry old feelings with you and turning them over and over in your mind.

WHICH FITS IN PERFECTLY with scott street. A fixation on past relationships where maybe something went unsaid and you can’t quite let it go, even as you know it wasn’t a healthy situation or something that necessarily  you even actually want back, but something that means something to you now because it did at one time that it sorta wormed its way into how you experience connections with people, it’s integral to you even if it doesn’t fully make sense. This transitions to Moon Song I think,  like you might have this tendency  to try to fit feelings and relationships that don’t feel very straightforward to you( but that you feel very strongly about) into shapes and labels that might make more sense from an outside perspective and say the right words and do the right things that people do, but you feel sometimes like there’s something you’re missing or not getting quite right or aren’t quite equipped to handle, but really you’re just being hard on yourself again. You can see yourself as used or underappreciated sometimes in relationships but also you kind of like the intensity of existing just to wait around for someone or  give someone you love something they want.

I Know the End is great because I think you have this sense that you are out to collect experiences and images in life, and that you will make meaning out of even the outwardly bleakest situations. You can find the beauty in even mundane or grotesque things, and that keeps you going. 

i’d actually never of you missed my heart??it’s so pretty im gonna need some time to sit with it i’ll get back to you tho asjdsahdsahdhasdhld 

[askthesnake]

Hey m8, I have an idea for a comic (I've already designed the characters and have a blog for it but I don't know how to start it or get people to see it, and I'm not really confident in my art skills. Any advice?

Of course!

Lets look at what you've accomplished! You have the characters and the basic story figured out! That's a great start and honestly it's one of the hardest things to do when you're starting a comic.

As for getting people to actually see and interact with your comic, for Tumblr its all about the tags. Depending on what type of comic it is can sort of help you decide which tags to use. So for example if its web comic do stuff like #webcomic or maybe the genre of the comic can help too.

If its a comic for a fandom you're also pretty set too. Character tags are always pretty buzzing with people looking for fresh content. Just be respectful and responsible and don't tag characters that don't have Any thing to do with your work. Like for example, when I first started this blog, I included tags for ALL the sides, despite the fact that in the beginning my asks only had Deceit featured in them. Thankfully I didn't get hounded for it and I learned eventually, but either way just be responsible about tagging.

Oh while we're still on tagging, if your comic has some thing potentially triggering remember to tag that appropriately. Like for blood #tw blood or #blood mention as an example.

As for your art style and lack of confidence there of, just know you're definitely not alone. I've met a plethora of artists and I can confidently say none of them are truly ever happy or confident with their work. Even now I find myself looking at work I've done like a few days ago and wretching. I can however positively tell you that running this ask blog/comic has SIGNIFICANTLY improved my art style in at least half the time it would have taken normally. Its because im drawing constantly and always trying new things to make the art for this blog more appealing to new viewers. Running a comic is a fantastic way to better your art and gain confidence in it. Like yeah im not always super happy with what I post here, but looking back at stuff I've in the past compared to some of the stuff I've put on this blog honestly kinda boosts my confidence as am artist. Not to mention it really high lights where you've improved and where you still need to work on things. Personally I like your art style!! I got your Deceit drawing and I think it's wonderful! You're really not as bad as you think you are, and personally I think you've got a pretty strong style to start with.

I guess my next piece of advice is, to put it simply, never under any circumstances take shit from others. Do not let people's words and comments discourage you. Ever. Its much easier said than done I know, and even now I can't really give you any advice on how to avoid such things. The best I can do is warn you. I've had personal friends make fun of me for running this blog and like honestly that hurts differently. I made this blog when I was going through a very eye opening and dark time in my life, so naturally it means a whole lot to me. This blog was and still very much is a safe place for me to run too. There are going to be people who aren't going to understand that unfortunately and I really wasn't prepared for it. So hear this, be prepared for shitty people to rag on you for doing some thing that makes you happy. Im not saying it WILL happen, just be prepared just in case. Also on a similar note ignore anon hate. I think during my year with this blog I've only gotten one anon hate message, and it wasn't even that bad?? It was someone commenting on my chubby Logan post. Whatever, literally ignore the hell out of anon hate. People who take time out of there to bully someone on this godforsaken website aren't worth your time.

But, if anon hate does get to you, always know that you can talk to someone. My askbox and dms are always open if someone wants to talk or vent. People are assholes, and sometimes if you gotta vent you gotta vent.

Also, don't ever let your comic and blog impede your mental health. If you're feelin bad you're feelin bad. Remember to drink water and stay hydrated. Then again, if drawing is how you cope, then by all means draw your heart out you funky lil artist.

Finally, don't be afraid to reblog your own stuff. I do it, I know other art tumblrs who do it. You're gonna feel bad and annoying about doing it, but just do it man. It's not bad or wrong. I live on the west coast, historically Ive been known to post my art at like 12-4 am. Once like noon hits where I'm at I'll reblog my own art just to make sure everyone saw it, and then I'll reblog it again at some random time the next day just because.

Also, a small secret about this blog, I sent the first ask to this blog. I literally logged off this blog, hopped on my old tumblr and sent an ask to this blog. Its a pretty easy way to show people that your blog is Up and Running. Im not sure what kind of comic your making, but if its an interactive one like a web comic and you're not getting any asks, then there is no shame in doing this.

#long post

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Okay so its okay if u dont do this, i underdstand but if ever you do im wondering what Aaron's reaction is once he finds out what happened to Erin? Im just desperate for twinyards. How does he take it and will he ever find out what happened to her in all those foster homes and her scars?

Sorry this took so long, love! You’ve probably lost interest but here’s the answer anyway. I’ve got another request for Twinyards so I’m saving the scars bit for that. 

They were only playing around when it happened. Katelyn had been riling Aaron up since he’d walked through the door, teasing him, laughing at him. The breaking point had been when she started to tickle him. 

“Katelyn, stop,” he gasped through fits of laughter. 

“Say please,” she cooed. Aaron could barely catch his breath, let alone say please. Instead, he caught her by her wrists and flipped her over so he sat straddling her. Pinning her arms down on either side of her face he closed the distance between the two of them. He speckled kisses all over her face. Katelyn laughed at the ridiculous display of affection from him. As he pulled back, he saw her face flushed with her arms pinned on either side. Her long blonde hair had come unbound and was splayed across the white bedsheets. Suddenly, the sheets were soaked red. The hands pinning her down weren’t his own. They were far too big to be his. Drawing his gaze back to Katelyn’s face, it wasn’t Katelyn he had pinned down. In her place was a face identical to his own, haloed by pale gold hair. Tears streamed down the girl’s face. Manic laughter echoed through Aaron’s head.

“Erin!” he shrieked as he toppled off the bed. Scrambling backward, he felt his back hit the door. Aaron felt as if there were chains binding his torso. He clawed desperately at his chest, trying to tear off chains that weren’t really there. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Aaron. Aaron, it’s me. It’s Katelyn.” Aaron’s gaze snapped up to see Katelyn kneeling a foot in front of him. Her hands were outstretched, hovering around his face. He grabbed them and cupped them around his face. Sobs wracked his body and he felt Katelyn get closer. She dropped a hand from his face and wrapped her arm around him. She drew him into her lap. Aaron didn’t know how long he sat there crying, only that Katelyn didn’t leave him the entire time. 

It had been three weeks since Erin had been shipped off to Easthaven. Aaron hadn’t even known that she was leaving. Josten had been the one to tell him. The words had barely left her mouth before he’d shot out of his chair, knocking it over in the process. He’d torn down the hall and flung open the front door. Aaron had run all the way down the street before collapsing to his knees. Digging his hands into the ground, he ripped hunks of grass out and screamed up at the sky. He curled up in a ball and lay there for a few seconds, minutes, hours. Something nudged him and he turned to look up. A hand had appeared out of the sky. For half a second, Aaron thought it was God coming to save him from his misery. It was only Josten. He smacked her hand away and got to his feet on his own. Trudging back to the house, he wiped the tears from his eyes. He smeared snot all over his shirt sleeve but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“What did you think running was going to accomplish?” Josten asked him when she found him searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels. Aaron just stared at the floor. 

“Why are you different?” he whispered. He looked over at Josten. A frown creased her brow. “I know you’re not that stupid,” he spat. “Why does Erin treat you differently? What makes you so special? Why does she do things for you?” 

Now it was Josten’s turn to avoid his gaze. He watched as she shrunk into her sweater. No. Not hers. The sweater she wore belonged to Erin, a Christmas present from Nicky. He had watched his sister chuck it in Josten’s face before they’d left for the drive out here. After a few endless minutes, she finally answered. “Because we’re the same,” she whispered. 

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked. With a sigh, Ania told him about men with sharp smiles and roaming hands. She told him about their stale alcohol breath and the weight of them bearing down on her. She told him about a boy in Millport that’s shoved her up against the lockers so many times that she’d lost count. Tears slipped from Aaron’s eyes against his will. Little by little, the pieces of the puzzle clicked together. 

“That’s why you never come near us,” Aaron said softly as she finished her story. He watched the slow nod of her head. “Josten.” Her eyes remained glued to the floor. “Ania,” he said. Slowly, she dragged her gaze up to meet his. “I hate you but I won’t ever hurt you,” he said. A small smile tinged her lips. Aaron could have sworn his soul left his body. Even tired and broken, Ania Josten was stunning. Not as stunning as Katelyn, of course, but she had her appeal. 

“Erin would kill you if you tried,” she replied. Aaron huffed a laugh. She was right. Brother or not, Erin would never stand for him doing anything even remotely resembling what the two of them had survived. “You know, it’s 2 a.m., right?” Aaron cursed softly and Ania’s smile grew. “Get to bed. I’ll drive us home in the morning.” Aaron let her take the bottle from him and trudged up the stairs alone. He felt a shard of pain wrench his heart as he passed Erin’s room. Collapsing into his bed, he let his exhaustion drag him into sleep. That night he dreamt of dark red blood smeared across golden hair and pale wrists. 

---

Loving his sister was undoubtedly the hardest thing Aaron had ever done. In the three years that he’d known her, she had always shut him out. A lot of it made sense now. Her last brother had been a disgusting excuse for a human being. How could she expect Aaron to be any better? Sitting in the booth at the diner, Aaron found himself resenting the fact that all the Foxes were together. As soon as Erin was out of the picture, Kevin and his cousin had started cozying up to the upperclassmen. A pang of guilt always stuck him in the gut as he felt the Katelyn’s arm wind around his waist. As soon as Erin was out of the picture, he’d started cozying up with Katelyn in front of the others too. Didn’t that make him just as bad? That night he let Katelyn kiss him until his brain couldn’t form a single coherent thought. 

Laying beside her, he traced patterns across her exposed stomach. All of the cheerleaders were pure lean muscle. All except Katelyn. Unknown to most, her uniform hid a layer of fat on her abdomen. Katelyn had been self-conscious about taking her shirt off in front of him the first time but it hadn’t taken him long to convince her he loved it just as much as the rest of her. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” he’d asked. “It’s the world’s most heavenly pillow.” Katelyn’s bright laughter had filled the room as he rested his chin on it. Staring up at her, Aaron was convinced that he was staring right at the sun. Being so close to the sun would only burn him up and Aaron knew it. Hearing her laughter, Aaron decided that he wouldn’t mind if it was for her. 

Now as she lay sleeping, Aaron felt soft and sleepy himself. Warmth bloomed in his chest at the sound of her murmuring his name softly in her sleep. A thought cut through his sleep-addled brain. Could Erin ever have this? 

Aaron knew that his sister deserved someone who loved her more than anyone he’d ever met. But who? Kevin definitely wasn’t good enough for her. Matt seemed fond of her but that didn’t seem quite right either. Erin needed someone who understood what she’d been through. Someone who wouldn’t push her any further than she was willing to go. She needed someone who’d whisper her name like a prayer. 

There is someone, Aaron realized. His thoughts turned to a person with a smile that could easily light the stadium all on its own. A person who always took no for an answer, and so, was never denied a single request. A person who he’d once heard whisper, ‘Jude’ in her sleep like the prayer of a sinner on her deathbed. 

Loving Erin Jude Minyard was damnation itself. Aaron knew his sister was all hard lines and sharp edges. She was all vice with no discernible virtue but Aaron didn’t care. He had spent his entire life feeling sorry for himself, believing that there wasn’t a soul in the world more deserving of salvation than his own. From the moment he’d laid eyes on the empty shell of a person that Erin was, he’d known he was wrong. Never before had Aaron felt such shame as he did when he realized the depth of his own selfishness. 

Being raised by a drug-addict and her endless string of short term boyfriends only bought Aaron so many concessions and he knew he’d used them up long ago. Aaron’s self-centeredness had hurt more people than he cared to admit. He was no saint and he didn’t have any intention of becoming one. Still, some small part of him wondered if he lived out the remainder of his life trying to make amends for all he’d done before maybe, just maybe, he’d get to glimpse his sister standing behind the gates of heaven on his way down to hell.  

The next morning at practice, he watched a girl who’d once outshone the sun collapse into herself like a dying star, sucking up every shard of light and joy as she went. Watching her, Aaron began to think he’d found the only person who cared more for his sister than he did. Erin deserved better. He was sure of it but they were Foxes. They’d never get what they deserved. Settling for less was an art form that every one of them had been forced to master. 

Screwing his eyes shut, he prayed with sincerity for the first time in a long time. “Please,” he whispered. “Just let my sister be happy. Even if it’s with Josten. With Ania.”

#just a pipe dream #fem!andreil #erin minyard #erin jude minyard #ania alora josten #ania josten #aaron minyard hc #aaron micheal minyard #aaron minyard #wholesome twinyards #minyard twins #twinyards hc #twinyards #all for the game au #all for the game #all for the gay #the foxhole court au #the foxhole court #the foxes #tfc au #tfc hc #tfc #aftg au #aftg hc #aftg #reveal to me your deepest desires

[rosieengel]

the beauty and the terror

I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for a long time now, but felt paralyzed with terror because I couldn’t find a great opening post topic. This week, the topic found me. I’ve had the draft saved with my finger hovering over the “post now” button for a few days. So, here it goes. 

My first post is about my most recent brush with beauty and terror, best encapsulated, I think, in the mystical words of the poet Ranier Maria Rilke: 

Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final

In one of my favorite books of all time, Awareness, Anthony de Mello ponders and unpacks those non-final, fleeting moments in life - he points to the fact that our cells live and die so often that we have to wonder, who am “I” after all? Was I the same person I was in the past? No. Not physically, at least, but isn’t our “consciousness” also comprised of a neural network made up of cells? So we are also not our feelings or our emotions. As a matter of fact, we have to liberate ourselves from our experiences altogether if we are to be fully present in the here and now, or we become hijacked by the filters that create our reality. This becomes even more interesting when we consider how many of our memories may be false or fabricated. How much of my past did I dream? How much did I experience in consciousness? “Don’t carry over experiences from the past... don’t carry over good experiences from the past either. Learn what it means to experience something fully, then drop it and move on to the next moment, uninfluenced by the previous one.... You’d know what eternal life is, because eternal life is now, in the timeless now.” In this book, de Mello suggests, no demands, that the reader, “Wake up”.  Wake up to how we filter reality. Wake up to our excuses. Wake up and be aware. 

I’ve always taken this book very seriously, but it became more important to me when I experienced my first pregnancy loss. The week before Christmas 2017, we experienced major emotional and physical whiplash; we were excited about the possibilities of the new life I was growing. We had told our family and friends, and like a lot of mothers-to-be, I was already dreaming about all of the amazing and absolutely terrifying ways our lives would change. I had spent my 20s and most of my 30s focused on my teaching and playing career, my health, and music. It was time to take care of someone else and I was looking forward to a new chapter (that I thought about my life then in terms of chapters is preposterous and that is worth another blog post). But the Universal Creator had different plans for us, as He typically does. At 12 weeks into my pregnancy and three days before Christmas, I had a miscarriage on the other side of the country and felt a tremendous sense of loss and confusion. In the ER, I could only hold tightly to E’s hand and eeck out, “Our little kumquat...” I was really shocked. I felt as if no one understood - I was grateful for the kindness of everyone around me, but at the same time, I felt as if they were too afraid to give me any comfort or love. Now I know that that is no one else’s responsibility but my own. 

Much to my surprise (and other women who have lost babies or children probably grok this), many ordinary and mundane things in life became very difficult. Particularly because it was Christmas. I found I couldn’t really think about the future at all. Holiday traditions and cheer seemed trite and fabricated. I fought back breakdowns whenever I was around children of any age. Drops would well up in my eyes whenever anyone started talking about their dreams of getting pregnant or starting families. I sat amidst the glee and celebration screaming inside, “HEY!!! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M STILL HERE AND DONT YOU KNOW WHAT IM FEELING!?!??!?!” I would go to the bathroom bleeding, cramping, and sad as I waited for the miscarriage to finish playing out to its gruesome end. I was ashamed to burden others with my uncomfortable tears. I will never forget how I reached into the toilet to touch, pick up, and say goodbye to what I believe was the last of the tissue that remained.

In the days afterward, I came across what would become a well-loved piece by Brian Andreas:

This is how I came to see that first baby - as an angel who was with me so briefly, but made such a terrific impact on my life. An angel, who most certainly prodded me to “wake up” in a de Mello sense. Immediately upon my return home, I said my goodbye to her and started healing (and it’s still happening). I felt an enormous calling to help and to heal others too; in the process of healing with Craniosacral Therapy (CST), I decided to study it myself and enrolled in massage therapy school.  CST helped me to fully experience that pain and grief, down to the mitochondria of my cells, through my fascia, through my very center.  When my inner spirit sensed the healing presence of Erin, my therapist, emotions bubbled up through my solar plexus, through my left hip, my ribs, my sternum. They still do, even today. As an additional part of my healing, I dragged myself to talk therapy for a whole year. My counselor recommended EMDR, using vibration and aural cues because I’m a musician. Through this therapy I finally fully experienced some trauma that I had hidden, buried in my tissues. I came to realize and acknowledge that I had not held proper space for myself and my loss. I had been remiss in thinking that life should go according to my plans, that the world owes me certain things, that I have even a tiny bit of control over my path. The worst is that I held so much shame for all of the things I thought I had failed at in my life. I couldn’t live my pop rocks life because I was looking externally for validation that I was worthy in this world - I was looking everywhere but inside my own spirit. I believe this is what also attracted me to academia, a field where accolades, accomplishments, and the correct lines on your vitae become a measure of your life’s work. That was a tough pill to swallow, but I’ve come to terms with that realization. I’m still healing today in other ways and I probably always will be.

This week, I was gifted a second angel. Even though she is gone now, I will always think of her as Eliza Jane. We conceived her without really intending to around New Years in New Orleans. I love walking down Magazine Street toward the Quarter. When we would walk by the hotel, I would admire its historic, embossed vertical sign. I offhandedly told E that I would love to name a hypothetical daughter Eliza Jane. Two weeks later, I would learn that she was already there.

Early miscarriage is very common. Statistically speaking, 1 in 4 confirmed pregnancies end (that they know of). So - why don’t we talk about it? Why do I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am part of this statistic? The answer explains why this post stayed in draft form for so long. 

I drove myself to the ER this week, in pain and bleeding. My midwife suggested that I go if I was concerned and if I wanted a quick answer. The answer was not good, but.... I knew the answer already.  I had felt the absence in my body, the little tug at my heart when her life left me. I won’t say that it was easier this time, but I knew what to expect. I knew what the pain would feel like; I would not be taken off-guard by the waves of grief and sadness, the emptiness, and in some ways, the feelings of loneliness and alienation. I was able to hold space for myself this time, to sit in silence, to be in my own home, my own bathroom. I didn’t have to speak to anyone. E was with me and we were together. These two losses have brought us closer together. As I laid in the ultrasound room, unable to see the images that the silent technician kept from my view, I renewed the gratitude in my heart that the Universe brought E and me together.  It may sound like a sappy cliche, but this is the only way I can put my love for him into words right now: the threads of grief in our souls are so "bare” when they are left alone, but when weaved together, make us inseparable and stronger than ever before.

When I got home from the hospital, I planted myself in bed to mentally prepare for the night ahead. Our scrappy, stray cat, Tikky, crawled into bed with me. She rarely does that. As I writhed in bed and moaned in pain, she planted herself next to me. Sprawled out against my belly, she stayed. Although I thrashed about, she remained, wide awake and concerned. Even in that moment, I was so present and grateful for her healing energy. She reminded me that the sick and pained don’t have to crawl into the corner, to lick their wounds alone. The strongest survive with the help and love of others. She sent me light in her own way, without saying anything at all. This is one of the many things I have learned from cats.

I’m sharing this story with the hope that it reaches others who have been through a similar experience. To you - you are not alone. Would this be different if I had a stillborn or if I lost an infant? No. Not according to my belief system. After the worst was over, I woke up before dawn to hear a robin trilling outside my window. In my world, nothing is a coincidence.

If you have not had this experience, open your eyes to those around you who are suffering in silence. Wake up. Just as someone communicates joy and celebration with new life and new possibilities, there is also someone who is crying and mourning the loss of a life. There are also those who did not want to create life and decide to end it (or they don’t). This isn’t just confined to miscarriage - there are people struggling around you. You must assume they are doing their best and it is not their responsibility to make you feel happy with your life.  If you find yourself riled up or offended because of someone else’s struggle, or what you feel to be their failures or incompetencies, just ask yourself - am I taking this personally? I ask myself that question often - that is part of the process of waking up. It’s the process of leading a more compassionate life. Death surrounds us and it is part of a cycle that is repeating. There’s something comforting to me about the cycles of life. My cycle, that of the earth and moon, and the seasons.  Your cells die, they shed, they turn over. It does not happen to us, it is us.

Of course, we should be happy. We should experience bliss and joy and scream it from the mountaintops, all others be damned! But can’t we also show our heartbreak, sadness, grief, and despair? Instead of turning and running from the pain, what if we leaned into the uncomfortable and said something. ANYTHING. Say you’re sorry. Ask if they are okay. Say that you don’t know what to say, but you are here to talk. Be there in silence. Be a shoulder or a hug. Hold space for them in your heart. Reach out. That’s something. Let yourself see the terror and the beauty, because if you don’t, your life will consist only of coincidences and you may miss the angels who are helping you along the way to wake up so that you do not miss your life.

Tikky didn’t leave me to lick my wounds alone. She nestled in and hunkered down right next to the pain. She leaned into it and sat there patiently through my tears and gibberish. Just as I am here to do for you, my friend.

#grief miscarriage pregnancyloss angels

[atlantalunchrestaurantsjay-blog]

Find the closest TD Bank - Toronto-Dominion Bank in Bronx, NY

TD Bank, Bronx, NY

640 Pelham Pkwy S Bronx, NY 10462

Review

I exposed my first checking bank account with this particular branch some sort of several years ago and it has the still the main part that I visit. The particular staff listed below are very sort and experienced so We do enjoy that. Often the only drawback to this kind of area is that many people have the old ATMs that only dispenses $20 charges, which can always be a hassle and the particular ranges can get excellent long in times sometimes if there is ample staff available, which is definitely strange to me.

Review

I been recently with this lender for the last 5 year's with all the situation that I'm going with this particular bsnk I actually not immensely important to simply no body since Apr if they pass that they brand new policy every monthly payment that I have to do they above draft myself for no reason due to the fact I always have dollars on my account this loan company is normally some sort of froud in addition to the costumer service no longer do anything regarding it remember to be careful. I have to decide on a start for the reason that I have to to review it

TD Bank, Bronx, NY 10461

1864 Williamsbridge Rd Bronx, NY 10461

Review

Fine location. At times it could be active yet it's manageable. Often definitely not all atm's are operating at full capacity. Conducting business in here will be very swift depending on the time associated with day and calendar year.

Review

To subsequent the earlier review. One particular of the reasons that they got eliminate if this penny arcades was the inaccuracy of said models. At this moment my storyline. We proceeded to go out and bought my personal own alter counter and even rolls given that they will take change like that. I lately deposited $150 snabel-a the Wall St. branch and, even got free rolls. I tried for you to do the same here nevertheless wad told by the teller the max lieu deposit will be $25. What kinda waste is that will? They remove the transform counter, now they reduce how much I can put? Shameful!

Review

If I can offer this place zoom megastars I would. Regrettably yelp doesn't allow that. I simply came here to use towards the coin machine together with 50 percent way through this machine counting my cash the idea quit working. Whenever a good staff members from typically the bank came out to mend the machine I gotten the paper stating that will I just had $12. 24 dollars. I find out I had 54 bucks. I mean why would certainly I go to a bank to only change twelve dollars. Soon after some backside and forth I actually were required to leave this dump with only 12 dollars. Perform yourself a favor in addition to go to apple bank if you wish to use some sort of lieu machines. Save yourself the headache.

Review

Took my kids for gold coin exchange to be able to dollars. Soon after we received the sales receipt from the device, we all went to a fine teller to get dollars. She presented my kids money. She also talk with them about school and stuff. She gave these individuals lots of gift via TD bank. My young children keep asking me any time can we take a look once more. Great customer service.

TD Bank, NY 10458

640 E Fordham Rd New York, NY 10458

Review

My partner and i travelled in there to pay my Car finance. Angela, one of the representatives the fact that sat in this desk was definitely receptive to us. She referred to as in the Mortgage center for me. The office manager Henry was also really informative. I never definitely had a issue together with this part. Whether at the drive through or perhaps inside, Im usually inside of & out. Very good branch

Review

There is a nice sized parking lot & drive thru. its right off Fordham. This teller was really fine. No issues this time period

Review

In the event that leaving no megastars was possible; We definitely will. I gone within carry on Friday, 11/8 to open a whole new joint account. (Let's keep in mind I presently have got an acct with them all and have had that for about 3-4years) I actually was welcomed when We walked in which seemed to be decent but as My spouse and i proceeded to recommend these people I desired to open a new account for the spouse and I, also referfing to My partner and i already got an working account with them. The woman offered my husband or wife and I an extremely odd look plus explained she had to help communicate with her manager; the woman then returned and told me I could not be helped and should visit another branch. I HIGHLY feel I was discriminated from due to our appearance and my husbands and wives. I will never ever throughout my life be returning to that branch area and will be processing a complaint of elegance against the woman who also sent out us away.

Review

I sluggish service. Staff don't appear to help care that truth be told there always a tremendous line. A few are very horrible. Miserable that I bank right here. What good is almost all the advertising if the workers are certainly not preserving the quality of service you take great pride in yourself in the commercials. Horrid service.

Review

Where accomplish I start? Rude or obnoxious personnel. Slow service. I actually continued to wait 45 minutes on a new brand to make a new simple deposit together with at this time there were only 7 customers on the line!!!! SMH!!! Never returning this side branch!!!

Evaluation

We used the or maybe games TD bank has to offer and even was very frustrated. Intended for several years Everyday right after work We put loosely coins into our container and after thanksgiving most of us usually exchange it. Similar to a further christmas savings. We always count that before the change. My own kids love it. For you to cut to be able to chase we've ended keeping track of this 12 months with the little above $320. 00 throughout cash. When we exchanged it the machine stated for you to keep putting coins while TD representative replace gold coin bag. I'm guessing that was full. At the end of rely, we only experienced a new shocking $181. 68. I have explained to the individual. that there was some sort of shortage of around $140. 00. She seemed to be seeking at me as when I used to be trying to con the bank beyond money(which I actually could understand) yet definitely not to say I became comfortable. Her explanation was not helpful at all. The girl only asked that My partner and i leave the contact details and that if there has been an overage that they can supply me a call. We only hope that that they accomplish right & the fact that their integrity speaks with regard to it do it yourself. Karma. To help some people $140 is not a lot connected with money but it's fantastic deal to others. Is actually the basic principle. I actually hope they fix that issue because I could solely imagine the volume of money that's definitely not given to the customers coming from this "COIN ARCADE".

Related topics:

- TD Bank Fort Lauderdale - TD Bank NH - TD Bank Columbia - TD Bank WI - TD Bank Locations

#TD Bank #TD Bank Locations #TD Bank Near Me #TD Bank Hours #Banks

[imsusx]

Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Simon and Garfunkel, The Mamas and the Papas, The Who, AC/DC, Janis Joplin, The Tragically Hip, Aerosmith, Johnny Cash, Madonna, oooooops so many sorry hehe 🥰💓

Omg babe you really went out I love it yes!!! Thanks for asking my love🥰💜

Led Zeppelin: 4 turn ons

Romantically it would be:

-Humor/ laughing: someone laughing with me it’s the best thing ever

-Good conversations: I love when someone is able to talk about anything and just the conversation flows and it doesn’t feel forced

-Listening and empathy: When someone you like wants to listen about your day, or about you feel, and wants to help you out it’s the best ever. Basically genuine attention.

-Petnames!!!!!!!!!!!! (Baby, my girl, my love, or anything with “my” in it) makes me feel extremely special and with my IN IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YES IM ALL YOURS✨

Sexually it would be:

-When someone that you like touches your inner thigh MMMMM shits good

-tiddies and BOOTY🙈

-MOANING BITCH IT DRIVES ME WILD🤪

-The thought of any sexual activity with the person you like makes me wet ok

The Doors: 2 places you’d like to visit

Australia and USA!

Jimi Hendrix: Name 8 things that make you happy

-Alannah, aka you,the sunshine of my life🥰

-my doggy!

-Food!!! I love food soooo much

-Music! All kinds of music make me happy I can dance and enjoy anything

-My friends! Without a doubt I LOVE them so much and I’m so happy they are in my life, each and everyone of them is special and lovable in their own way🤧💜

-MAKEUP OKAY I LIVE FOR MAKEUP AND PUTTING ON A DARK LIP AND ALL

-HAIR DYE!!!!!!!!!!! yes bitch GIMME ALL OF IT!!! I LOVE MY PURPLE HAIR

-Traveling!!!! Love love exploring new cities and enjoying their own stuff

Simon and Garfunkel: What song(s) help you get through the day?

Lover by Taylor Swift, Cuz I Love you by Lizzo, DINNER and diatribes by Hozier, The Cure by Little mix (that one has a special place in my heart) Graveyard by Halsey, Anything of Rihanna and Beyonce tbh, Anything of Queen is great too of course, Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day and Don’t call me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus and Lana del Rey!!! (I think that’s it)

The Mamas and The Papas: Describe yourself in 5 words

Well.. this is hard lmao

Im funny? I’m a bitch too, I’m a foodie, I’m a feminist and a plus size queen what can I say LMFAO

The Who: 2 of your favorite foods and 2 foods you hate

OMG THIS IS SO HARD AAAAH

Pizza and Lasagna: my faves

(but I also love Chinese food and Thai and Spanish food omg I can’t choose IM so sorry food is my biggest love)

Broccoli and most veggies omg I hate them I wish I liked them but it’s hard

AC/DC: Name 7 things people do that piss you off

-when people talk over you without respecting your voice or opinion

-people that eat with their mouth open. WTF IS THAT ABOUT CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BITCH

-When men start talking about what a woman should do with their body. Hello? No uterus, no opinion thanks

-CREEPY PEOPLE THAT RANDOMLY ASK FOR YOUR NUDES OR THAT SENT U NUDES WITHOUT YOU WANTING THEM WHAT THE HECK

-When people slut-shame women. Let her fucking live

-People that think feminists are crazy. Bitch we just want equality the fuck

-People that don’t get excited or get happy about you when you have good news or are in a good mood. LikE WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE U SUCH A HATER

Janis Joplin: In your opinion, what was the greatest time or era in music?

Honestly I kinda wanna say 80s,70s, but at the same time I wanna say now. Let me tell u why. Basically 80s are great, all those rock legends that I love are out there wilding. But I wanna say now, because we are able to enjoy the great music we have now and the one from back then!

The tragically Hip: 6 things you want to accomplish

-get skinny and try to understand my body and love myself, all in one pack

-Travel and meet all the wonderful people I have to meet.

-Date u 🌚

-Finish highschool and get to university

-Finish my major or whatever it’s called when I get to Uni

-Be more independent: aka my own apartment, my driver license and my car blabla

Aerosmith: Favorite celebrity? Least favorite?

Well fave celebs maybe any of the Kardashians? I really like them honestly and like they are actual celebs. If we talk about singers and all that stuff we entering my idols and I’m not sure if the question is about that lmao

The ones I don’t like is Chris Brown, what he did to Rihanna it’s just not okay.

Johnny Cash: Are you a religious person?

I mean I am but not really. Basically I have a Christian family and all that but we are not into it as some other families are. We just kinda go with it.

Madonna: Describe your crush

Warning I’m about to get sappy🤧💜

She is one of the most beautiful girls ever, inside and outside. She has this cute reddish hair and blue eyes and the cutest laugh ever. She is tall which makes me h*rny. When I see her or I get a notification my heart goes: 🥰☺️💜💗💖💗💗💘💘💕💓💓💞💕💞💕💓 She is funny, she is sweet, she has brought a light to my life when times were really dark. She is literally the sunshine of my life. It’s funny how life works, she is in the other side of the world but for her I would travel in a heartbeat. I can’t wait to someday hug her, kiss her and give her everything I have, which I already try to do. She makes me feel so amazing, so loved which I’m trying to get used to. Coming from a dark time thinking I was unlovable and now getting this it’s wild. I love her. I really do. Distance can suck my dick. She makes me the happiest and I honestly hope I make her happy too. I’m so thankful for her to be in my life. I’m so happy that she wants to talk to me and enjoy this mess that I am. She is the cutest. She is the owner of my heart. The one that comes to mind when u hear all those love songs. We connected so fast and it’s so amazing. We can talk about everything, we basically are communication queens. I never thought my first love would be so far away from me, but I’ll do anything to fight for it. Thank you Alannah for being in my life honestly. I love you, babygirl 💜🥰

#woops this was a lot #hope you liked the answers hehe #i love u #susana rants #ask #amor

[picturetoburnnn]

Cuddle? |  Michael Clifford x Reader

Pairing - i swear to god im gonna stop saying this eventually, please look above

Word Count - 1.5k (just barely over that. I’m not even kidding, its 1503)

Warning - bad writing? can i warn you of that? ((if you dont like it, i dont blame you, i dont either))

A/N - babes i don’t know how good this is, i personally don’t particularly love it but i promised a michael fluff for hitting 100 followers so heRE YOU GO

TAGS, DARLING - @cxddlyash @emomack @merryblueberry02

“I’m kinda hungry,” you mumbled, not moving from your spot on the couch. Luke and Calum grumbled their agreement. They had come over to your and Michael’s shared house for some songwriting session, which had ended up with all of you plopped on the furniture, scrolling through phones. The four of you were all draped over each other, a mess of limbs and heads. Luke’s hand was stuffed in a bowl of popcorn, his head on your lap, Calum resting on his.

You looked over to Michael with wide eyes. He caught your gaze, and immediately said “No.”

You whined in protest. “Baby, please? I don’t wanna move,” you dragged out the words.

With a huff of resignation, Michael stood and you cheered. He silenced you with a playful glare, “What do you want, princess?”

“I’ll take some pasta, please,” Luke said before you could respond.

“A cheeseburger with a side of fries,” Calum laughed.

Michael took a throw pillow and threw it at Luke’s face, a smile playing on his features. “I said princess, not ‘other two,’ idiots. Besides, Luke, you’ve already got food,” he chuckled. Looking back at you, he waited for your answer.

“Whatever leftovers we have in the fridge is fine with me,” you smiled.

He leaned down and kissed your nose. “I hope you realize how much I love you,” he whispered, straightening and heading towards the kitchen.

“Love you, baby!” You shouted towards his receding figure. You shifted your attention back to your phone, but were called back to reality when you heard Michael shout your name from the kitchen. Thinking nothing of it, you huffed dramatically, pushing Luke’s head off your lap as you stood.

But as you stepped into the kitchen, Michael stood in your face. “What is this?” He asked quietly, holding proof of your deed in his hand.

Your breath caught in your throat. “Michael, I was gonna tell you--”

“When?! When did you plan on telling me about this?!” He threw the evidence on the counter.

“I hope you realize what you’ve done. You’ve betrayed my trust, Y/N. I give you my all, and this is the thanks I get?” Without waiting for your response, he stormed out of the kitchen.

“Michael, I’m sorry!” You called as you ran after him, following him into the living room.

“I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry! If I could take it back, I would.”

“It doesn’t matter that you would take it back, you can’t, Y/N! You did this and there’s no coming back from it. You’ve ruined us!”

“What’s going on?” Calum asked quietly.

“Y/N ate the last of the pizza!” Michael accused, pointing his finger to you.

Luke clutched his hand over his chest. “Y/N. How could you?” Calum just sighed, in amusement or disappointment, you couldn’t tell.

You looked between the boys incredulously. “Will it make it better if I buy a replacement pizza?”

Michael sighed dramatically. “Nothing will ever be as good as that one is. Oh, wait, excuse me - was.” He glared at you, laughter in his eyes.

“Michael, it was a supreme pizza from Papa Johns. I am certain they can make another one,” you rolled your eyes.

“Oh, it was a supreme pizza? Oh, Y/N, you monster,” Calum piped up.

You looked at the black haired boy disbelievingly. “I thought you were on my side!”

Calum playfully squinted at you. “Supreme pizza, Y/N. Supreme..”

“I thought you loved me,” Michael whispered, looking up at the ceiling as if imagining himself in a movie.

“I do love you, Mikey, I just wanted pizza,” you giggled.

“You don’t love him, you ate his pizza!” You turned to see Luke with his bowl of popcorn, stuffing his face. He took a handful of the snack and quite literally threw it at you, your legs being hit by the popcorn.

You snapped your head over to Michael, who was quietly snickering. “Are you just gonna let him do that?” You laughed.

“No,” Mikey giggled. “I’m gonna help him do it.” He sidestepped you, running to Luke’s side and grabbing a handful of popcorn too.

“No,” you warned, “don’t you dare.”

Michael shrugged before tossing the handful at you. You squeaked in surprise, shielding yourself with your arms. You looked at your boyfriend with wide eyes, mouth opening in disbelief.

You turned to look at Calum, who had been laughing himself to death on the couch. “Calum, you’re my new favorite.”

You watched as Michael’s mouth dropped open, “Hey! I’m your boyfriend, you’re not allowed to have a new favorite!”

You shrugged. “Then you shouldn’t have thrown popcorn.”

You plopped down on the couch next to Calum, wrapping him in a hug. “This one is mine. You two can’t take him on your team.” Calum, playing along, leaned into your embrace, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“My son,” you proclaimed (you could’ve sworn you heard him say ‘mama’ in return). The boy in your arms nuzzled his face into your chest like a baby.

“You can’t just claim a son like that,” Michael protested.

“I can do whatever I want, he’s my favorite.” You stuck your tongue out at him.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Luke cut in. Michael nodded in agreement.

“I dunno.”

Michael let out a whine of indignance. “If he’s your son, then this one is mine.” He all but tackled Luke into a hug, and Luke let out a cry of distress.

“Wait, doesn’t that technically make you my dad?” Calum looked between the two of you confusedly.

You shrugged, “I suppose. Don’t tell Ashton,” you winked.

Luke gasped, “That makes Y/N my mom!” Michael nodded. Luke scoffed. “Well screw you dad, I like mom more.” He wriggled out of Michael’s grasp, running over to you and Calum. Michael looked towards the three of you with a crestfallen expression.

“My children… have betrayed me. For their beautiful mother.” He winked at you.

You smiled smugly at him, one arm around Calum and one around Luke.

“Now that just won’t do,” he whined. “I’m supposed to get all the cuddles.”

“Well join us then,” muttered Luke.

“Yeah,” Cal said smugly, “your girlfriend has amazing boobs, they make great pillows. I get them all to myse--”

You were a blushing mess when Calum was cut off by Michael shoving his hand in his face, pushing him away from your chest. Before Calum could retaliate, your boyfriend took his place.

“Mine,” he muttered. You rolled your eyes.

“It’s a shame that Ashton missed out on this cuddle fest,” Calum noted as he positioned himself against you again.

“Yeah,” Luke murmured. “I wonder how his date went.”

“I’m sure it was fine. He seems to really like this girl,” I informed them.

“What’s her name again?” Michael questioned.

“Britt. Or Brittney, depending who you ask.”

“She sounds like fun.”

“I think she’s good for him, just based off how he talks about her.”

Soon came the time for the boys to leave, to head to their own homes after getting absolutely nothing accomplished. As they walked out the door, you were pretty sure you heard Calum yell “Bye mom, bye dad!” before Mike shut the door behind them.

He heaved a sigh, sounding exhausted. You couldn’t blame him, cuddles make just about anyone sleepy.

“Bedtime?” His weary voice brought a smile to your face.

“Yeah, it can be bedtime.” You smiled softly as you enveloped him in a hug.

His gentle arms wrapped around your back, holding you close to him as he buried his face in the crook of your neck.

“I love you, even though you ate my pizza,” he whispered against your skin.

You could feel him smirking as you let out a groan. “Can we please just drop that?” You whined.

“Maybe. I’ll consider it if you let me cuddle you some more.”

You pulled away and stared at him, one eyebrow raised. “Cuddles? That’s all we’ve done all day, Mikey.”

“Yeah, but I want it to be just you and me. Please?” He gave you his very best puppy-dog pleading face, and you couldn’t help but to give in.

Within minutes, the two of you were changed and under the covers, snuggled up to each other.

“I love you,” he whispered again.

“I love you too, baby.”

He fiddled with your hand, playing with your fingers. The feeling was so relaxing, you found yourself starting to drift off. Michael pressed a kiss to the top of your head just as you gave in to sleep.

As your breathing slowed and evened out, Michael smiled softly at your body curled up next to his. He continued playing with your fingers, imagining the ring he had bought the other day resting on your ring finger.

“Soon, baby,” he whispered, pressing another kiss to your head. He snuggled down impossibly closer to your sleeping form, and he knew he couldn’t be ever happier than he was, right there, with you.

#5sos x reader #5sos #michael clifford #michael 5sos #michael clifford x reader #luke 5sos #luke hemmings #calum 5sos #calum hood #ashton 5sos #ashton irwin #my writing

[psyopmyself]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

#bipolar #personal #off my chest #very personal #text

[evaninepercent]

Lin Yanjun ( Harry Potter AU)

 Lin Yanjun x OC au!

In which Lin Yanjun is a Slytherin and you are a Hufflepuff, but you both fall in love despite your differences

or

You’re a reserved hufflepuff and he’s a sarcastic flirt, but, oh well.

here’s the hp au i’ve been waiting to write forever

bc im a sucker for hp aus

anyway let’s start the story shall we

so

let’s just say lin yanjun left the biggest impression on possibly everyone on the very first day all of you shy first years stepped into Hogwarts

everyone of you were huddled together, terrified and robes sopping wet bc the giant squid was having a bad day

and the atmosphere was tense and silent

until Professor McGonagall snapped

“ Please be quiet, Mr Lin!”

bc Yanjun was helluva excited on his first boat ride and wouldn’t stop chatting to his newfound friend which you would later know as You Zhangjing

you would expect him to clam up and duck his head in shame

but instead he lifted his head higher and flashed the most charming smile at the older lady and said-

“ you look absolutely gorgeouuss today, professor!”

fyi he would’ve have drained his house from their hard-earned marks if he wasn’t unsorted

but you were pretty sure he was the first student in Hogwarts to use the flirting technique on a professor bc you swore you caught a hint of flush on Professor McGonagall’s pale cheeks

thus everyone immediately dubbed the pretty dimpled asian boy as a Gryffindor

so all of you were shooketh af when the Sorting Hat screamed ‘Slytherin’ at the top of its lungs the moment it touched his head

fast forward to the present

you were a bashful daydreamer of the house of Hufflepuff

and Yanjun was the hopeless flirt of Slytherin

you didnt like Yanjun bc

ugh

he flirts with everybody

his friends, the professors, every single girl he makes eye contact with

you even saw him flirting with Moaning Myrtle once

granted, she probably enjoyed it, but still-

it was also a well-known fact that the first resort to getting him and his gang out of shit was with his flirting

and you even don’t know if its because he’s actually convincing or its just his handsome face doing the work

but it works almost every single time

though, you didnt have personal experience with his flirting until your sixth year

bc you were doing your best to avoid him lmao

but alas

guess who got paired up with you in potions

booM

the one and only lin yanjun

you can only look tearfully at your best friend Linong as he paired up with somebody else

anyway the first few weeks were absolutely terrible

he wouldn’t stop flirTING WITH YOU

“ did someone cast expelliarmus? because you got me completely disarmed.”

as much as Hufflepuffs are known for their cinnamon roll traits

you really wanted to strangle him so he can stfu

cue Linong shooting you worried glances everytime yanjun opens his mouth

and one day you just lose it

“ can you please just shut up? you’re irritating the heck out of me!”

which is really an ouch, but a girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do

the whole class falls silent bc you?? the shy sweet hufflepuff?? is yelling at the Lin Yan Jun?? gasPP

you were half expecting yanjun to retort with some snarky ass rebuttal but he just stares at you with his wide round eyes and for the first time in history, looks ashamed of himself

“ im sorry, y/n.” he said, twiddling nervously with his robes. “ i didnt mean to make you uncomfortable.”

and the guilt kicks you hard in the stomach bc you didn’t have to be so harsh omg

anyway one Potions class and a deduction of marks from Hufflepuff later ( bc of your misconduct) you dashed out in embarrassment without even waiting for Linong so you can hide in the deepest parts of the library and drown yourself in shame and self-hate

how are you going to face your Hufflepuff friends?? your parents?? lin yanjun??

anxiety at its finest

but just when you’re about to literally entomb yourself in the library you glance up and meet eyes with the person you were abt to avoid your whole life aka yanjun

like holy shit how did he know you were here 

he gives you this anxious look before he scooted closer and sits down right next to you

then he gives you a handful of sugared butterfly wings

his sudden act sorta rendered you speechless and he mistook your silence for anger so he started to grow frantic and was like “ linong said you liked this candy and i just happen to have them but if you don’t like it i can always get you something else-”

you had to spend a whole five minutes convincing him that you were really just shooked bc who knew the flirtatious troublemaker could be so considerate?

and because you were pretty rude too, you gave him a small note of apology and a packet of your favorite toffees from the muggle world

you swore you’ve never seen him smile brighter

after that things turned out for the better between you and yanjun

he didn’t flirt with you anymore and he was actually really nice and soft?? which you didn’t realize before bc you were too blinded by your prejudice

and you even started to like yanjun and the both of you would even hang out occasionally after classes

you even found out that both of you had similar interests, like a passion for trying out new sweets and reading poems

cue you and yanjun scaring the living hell out of everybody when yall consumed pepper imps that one time in the cafeteria

both of you are the power team at potions bc who knew polar opposites could get along so well

you became one of his closest friends and even got along relatively well with his buddies

but ofc how could you forget you best friend linong, who has been by your side and cheered you up since childhood

and because you and linong have known one another for almost your whole lives you were just naturally affectionate with each other

and it just so happened that Yanjun caught Linong and you being really close and his heart just shattered when Linong reached out to squish your cheeks while you grinned up at the taller boy

the next time you had Potions you notice Yanjun being abnormally quiet so ofc you prod at him to tell you why

“ its nothing, really.” he mumbled, busying himself with cutting the ingredients.

“ oh c’mon, yanjun. just tell me!” and after much cajoling from you he finally gives in

“ its just that,” he said slowly, avoiding eye contact, “ you never told me that you and linong were an item.”

you gape at him for like 3 seconds straight before letting out an uncharacteristic snort bc no Linong is like a brother to me and besides?? he ald has a Ravenclaw girlfriend

yanjun is half relieved and half flustered bc there goes his efforts on hiding his 3 year long crush on you that stemmed and only bloomed ever since he first saw you comforting a first year who got nearly got hexed

so he can only just stare at you as he lets the blush creep up his face until you added-

“ besides,” you said, getting your courage from nowhere, “ I like guys like you.”

later on linong would tell you how yanjun’s grin was the literal epitome of the sun and swore to you up and down that he has never witnessed someone’s eyes sparkle so bright

anyhow for that day onwards you both were officially a couple

you relationship= forehead pecks, cringey but appreciated pickup lines, debates on the best Bertie Bott’s Jellybeans flavor,warm cuddles and soft passionate kisses in the library

also you both constantly friendly battle one another on who gets the better score in potions and if any of you are lacking in a certain aspect you would help each other out

throughout your relationship you would find out more endearing things about one another, like how yanjun flirts mainly bc it makes him more confident and also gives him a certain sense of accomplishment and how you cannot really hate someone bc its just in your nature

which really makes you both love each other more

ever since you both started your relationship yanjun stopped flirting as a whole and although Moaning Myrtle would be a little upset she’s actually pretty glad bc she’s lowkey done with all his starry-eyed gaze whenever he looks at you for the duration where she might have stalked him

count on linong and yanjun’s gang to support your relationship from the sidelines

yanjun is there to speak up for you when you lack the courage to do so yourself and you’re always there to have his back when he starts to doubt himself

a couple that would fight for each other

couple goalsTM

#nine percent #lin yanjun #yanjun #nine percent scenarios #harry potter au #if only this happened to me irl but oh well #self written fictions for my soul #i love yanjun ugh

[choisgirls]

hihi! would it be out of the question to ask for a smart but silly mc? like an mc that people think is dumb because they like to show more than their intelligence? i've been struggling with finding a balance between the two so people will think i'm smart as well as funny. someday i will be both in the eyes of many but for now one of your lovely imagines/headcanons would make me very happy. i really love your blog! keep up the great work and i hope you have an amazing day!!!

A/N: Aaa thank youlove ;u; im really glad you like the writing!!! sorry i end up talking so muchbecause im trash™ but still!! it means a lot~(also i struggle with this alot? Just be whatever you’d like to be love! doesnt matter what others think~ ithink you’re amazing~ ^^)

like there reallyshouldnt be a need to hide your intelligence level, sweetheart. Being smartisn’t something to be ashamed of ^^ and if people cant handle it then well fuckthem they arent worth your time

Masterlist~

*YOOSUNG:

-Honestly you werepretty goofy, but he loved it!

-Always wants someoneto joke and play games with

-But one day he wasstressing over this big test he had and he just… couldn’t… understand themath problem??

-You walked in to himbanging his head against the coffee table- you had to throw your handunderneath him so he couldn’t do it anymore. He was gonna knock himself out ifhe kept doing that!

-When you asked himwhat’s wrong, he’s starting to slowly get harder and harder to understandbecause he’s about to cry- but you’ve got to calm him down and wait until hecan tell you clearly

-You sit him down andlook over the problem. Internally, he’s panicking because? Oh no? He can’tunderstand it, would looking at it upset you?

-When you wrote thesteps and answer down, he looked at the paper and had to blink a few times. Youdid it! You did it correctly, too…. how?

-Didn’t want to berude because you were amazing and smart in your own way! But? You just…answered this seamlessly, how?

-You explained to himthat you’ve actually got a pretty good grip on your math skills- you tend to bethe highest in any of your math classes and you’re always willing to help himfigure it out

-You could easily havea degree in mathematics and he can never look at you the same way again. His carefree,sometimes oblivious s/o is also really smart. How did he not see it before?!

*ZEN:

-He’s smart but to adegree- definitely wouldn’t tell you with confidence that he was book smart

-Knows more streetknowledge, but he can hold his own in the schooling department

-Who is he kidding, hehas a dinosaur for a computer.

-So even if you werealoof, it wouldn’t bother him in the slightest~

-But one day, in thechatroom, Jaehee and Jumin had started to talk about business and profits

-Behind the screen, theboth of you were sitting together as he started to complain to you that he hadno idea what they were saying

-So you took time toexplain it all while he stares at you in disbelief

-When you start to getself-conscious of the fact he’s staring at you and saying nothing, he tries toassure you that it’s not a bad thing, he just didn’t know that side of you!

-Honestly I don’tthink it would change the way he thinks about you, he’s fine with both sides ofyou!

-If anything, he’shappy he has someone to explain a few things he may not get at first

*JAEHEE:

-She likes the sillyside of you because she’s always so serious

-Or she at least justappears that way to people, in reality she’s silly just like you are

-Just…. more privateabout it than you are! You’re more open about being carefree and silly~

-Sometimes you remindher of Saeyoung which is okay but sometimes it gets out of hand and she worriesabout you

-Like… you can holdyour own, right? You aren’t… always oblivious, are you? Please tell heryou’re aware of your surroundings, at least

-She’s watched youwalk away from lunch and have to run right back because you forgot your walletthere. She’s counted- it’s been 13 times now

-But apparently you’rejust.. forgetful?

-Because she’s watchedyou spit out fraction conversions when the two of you are baking together

-You can mess around,get flour all over you, and turn red and giggle while she dusts off yourcheeks, but the second she asks you to double the amount of brown sugar, you’reimmediately throwing out the numbers

-Sometimes she throwsconversions at you when you’re being extremely goofy and she just wants to makesure you’ve still got it

-She likes both sidesof you, she doesn’t see why you tend to hide one but she won’t pressure you toshow one more than the other

*JUMIN:

-Constantly remindingyou to calm down

-There are times thatyou need to be serious and you just aren’t

-It doesn’t bother himor anything but sometimes he’s tired of hearing others get so worked up aboutit

-Because it’s none oftheir business? He loves how carefree and fun you can be

-It’s a nice change ofpace compared to how he’s basically a piece of stale bread most of the time

-He lets himself getsilly around you, though, because you’ve unlocked that privilege~

-When someone came upand had told him that you were practically as dense as concrete, he stood upand was ready to defend you in a heartbeat

-Except you just satback, looked them in the eyes, and with a vast vocabulary of high end and*ahem* choice words, you told them it was none of their business how youdecided to act and maybe they should take a breath and calm down themselves

-Which left both themand Jumin in shock, because you brought up their numbers and stock dropswithout even blinking an eye in their direction

-So you /could/ beserious when you wanted! That was good to know, maybe he should try to provokeyou every now and again, see how serious you really could be?

*SAEYOUNG:

-Everyone thought hewas silly??? They didn’t know the /both/ of you

-Though everyone alsoknew how smart he was, you, on the other hand….

-He knew yourbackground and he knew what you’ve accomplished with your intelligence

-So he knew how smartyou could be, and he wasn’t positive why you decided to hide it

-One day, he’s tellingeveryone about this new program he was adding to the app, but was too excitedto explain it in words everyone could understand

-Taking the liberty totranslate, you not only explained it in simpler terms, you also kept spittingwords no one could understand while you asked for more details from Saeyoung

-And in all honesty,sometimes he has you type up some of his coding so he can take a break and eatmore chips

-When you /told/ himto rest but you know how he works, so he just sits and watches you

-Is always in awebecause you really don’t come off in this light- you just like to have fun andmess around

-But you know what hasto happen now right? Always place bets and play trivia games against everyoneelse, that’s what

*JIHYUN:

-Yes, dear god, becarefree with him

-That’s one of hisfavourite personality traits- being silly and just running through life

-Doesn’t even care ifyou seem naive, he’s sure you’re smart in your own way

-Like maybe in a deep,philosophical way! He can dig it

-Honestly, he isn’tone to judge someone based off of intelligence so you could have the IQ of agoldfish but if you’re rich in personality and love then he’s completelysmitten

-On the other end ofthe rainbow, he’d be completely okay with it if you were smarter than him,again just…. doesn’t mind

-So if you’re thissilly and carefree and are /also/ super smart then just /WOW/ he doesn’t knowhow to really react

-He just wants you tofeel comfortable enough to be yourself, not to hide a whole half of yourself

-If you’re smart thenbe smart! If you’re goofy, be goofy! You’re both? Sweet! Show it! There’s noshame!

-He has questionsabout anything? Immediately asking you so you know that he cares about everyaspect of you, not just one

*SAERAN:

-God just fucking stop

-Honestly he canhandle a little bit

-But if you’re to theextreme of his brother he can’t always handle you and just wants you to hush

-Also really concernedfor you though? Like you aren’t aware of yourself or your surrounding a lot

-I mean come on hetalked you into going into someone’s apartment, you were not the most cautiousperson

-Not to mention youthought it would be a good idea to, oh I don’t know, go poking around in thebusiness of a cult

-Really he thought youwere an idiot but he still for some reason loved you so here you two are now

-Though the first timehe fell asleep at the computer around you and woke up to his code finished, hewas surprised

-Then he was…amixture of angry and surprised because why didn’t he know about your secretintelligence and why didn’t you tell him

-He could’ve used youas an assistant ages ago while he was in Mint Eye if he had known! But nnoooyou had to go and hide it

-Encourages you to letyour intelligence show more often because there isn’t a need to hide it in thefirst place, it doesn’t change who you are inside

#wow idk how this /is/ cause i finished this late at night;;;;;; #request #mysme #mm #mysmes #mystic messenger #mystic messenger writing #mysme writing #mystic messenger hcs #mystic messenger headcanons #mysme hcs #mysme headcanons #mystic messenger reactions #mysme reactions #mystic messenger scenarios #mysme scenarios #mystic messenger imagines #mysme imagines #yoosung #zen #jaehee #jumin #saeyoung #saeran #jihyun #mysme yoosung #mysme zen #mysme jaehee #mysme jumin #mysme saeyoung

[simkjrs]

why does anyone think mukuro rokudo is anything remotely resembling cool

mukuro is a dumbass and the indisputable proof is right there in mukuro’s introduction arc

1. looks like a dumbass?

this is the very first picture of mukuro you get to see. some dumbass with badly parted hair and a fucking camo long-sleeve on under his fancy collared coat. how does  someone have a sense of fashion this bad and this tacky? it’s unbelievable. he’s only 15. he’s 15 and he’s dressing himself like this. someone help him 

you don’t find this out until later but he’s wearing a school uniform

he stole a school uniform, gyakuran and all, and put a non-school-compliant camo long-sleeve shirt on under it. for the aesthetic. for his really specifically ugly aesthetic. i physically can’t describe the visceral emotion this inspires in me. just look at him. would you be able to take him seriously if he tried to kill you? he could walk up to me and say “i’m going to take your life” and i’d just be like “haha yeah okay, is that what you were thinking when you were parting your hair this morning” and then i would laugh and he would skewer me in half with his pitchfork. 

2. an incredibly bad actor, unbelievably so

mukuro wants to possess tsuna or something and has the brilliant idea to waltz up to tsuna in the middle of a creepy forest by an abandoned amusement park, pretending he’s one of the poor innocent victims of that terrible criminal mukuro rokudo, while smiling and being friendly and not acting the least bit like a cowed or angry victim at all. he spends the entire time being creepy. he tells tsuna that he’s been taken advantage of by that horrible, awful mukuro, but his overwhelmingly creepy vibe completely negates any sympathy that story might have inspired in tsuna and instead prompts tsuna to think “this guy is really creepy!” and leave. 

like look at this screenshot from when mukuro is trying to “subtly” ask tsuna what he knows about mukuro:

important takeaways: 

mukuro can’t even keep up the charade for a full two minutes. he just doesn’t have the patience! he’s a terrible actor!!! 

mukuro is an impulsive, straightforwardly violent person who is only capable of posturing and rudimentary mind games as long as he doesn't get impatient with them

mukuro is a mist flame user whose ENTIRE GIG is being able to USE ILLUSIONS but he can’t even cover up his own weird eye. is it because it never occurred to him to do so? did he forget? did he know his eye would be noticeable, but he thought it would be cool so he elected to ignore common sense & subterfuge in favor of another brief intimidation tactic that doesn’t do anything to tsuna except make him think mukuro is weirder than ever?? DID HE JUST  THINK HE WOULD LOOK COOLER AS HE IS??? 

mukuro’s a DUMBASS and a DISASTER and he doesn’t know how to interact with anyone  else in any capacity at all, either as a spy, or as a friend / non-suspicious stranger, or as an enemy who could have USED THIS ENTIRE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE TSUNA THE FUCK OUT 

mukuro: i’m going to possess the next heir to the vongola...  and destroy the mafia... NOTHING matters more to me than tearing down the ugly, sinful world in which we crawl...!!!! also mukuro: [corners heir to the vongola, alone in a forest where no one would notice them, and proceeds to do nothing except be exceedingly weird for absolutely no reason tsuna would notice or even care to comprehend] 

he’s so dumb it makes me cry 

3. important reminder

at this point in the story mukuro and his gang have been living in kokuyo park and eating garbage for like the past three weeks. he has NO right to be looking as good, self-assured, groomed, or confident as he does. AND YET HERE HE IS, shining in his full magnificent bastardly glory. something that would shame or embarrass anyone else rolls off mukuro like water rolls off of wax. he’s just absolutely immune to self-consciousness and i think that’s incredible. 

4. impractically dramatic

mukuro sets up his final confrontation with tsuna in a large, abandoned, empty room in one of the abandoned theme park buildings. that is, it’s empty except for the large, ornate throne that mukuro has set up and seated himself on so that he’s dramatically hidden in the shadows when tsuna enters the room. he had to set that all up himself. who puts that much time and effort into their presentation to their enemy, but not to actually defeating their enemy??? mukuro, that’s who.

5. laughably inept at his own professed expertise, manipulation and controlling others

tsuna enters the scene of the final confrontation, still thinking that mukuro is just that weird creepy kid he met in the woods and not... you  know.... mukuro himself.... and mukuro gives away the same in about ten seconds. he just couldn’t resist the impulse to crow about his masterful deception in tsuna’s face and revel in tsuna’s shock... at the fact... that he was mukuro all along!!

this has almost no impact on tsuna beyond “oh no, the guy is creepy AND also the guy i have to defeat.” if mukuro had put more work and buildup into the facade, but ohhh nooo, mukuro “i crave instant gratification and i want it NOW” rokudo has to have the payoff immediately. what did you even accomplish with this deception, you dumbass? you idiot. you fool 

6. the posturing

mukuro is an overeager fifteen year old who is murderous and violent but also wants to be incredibly cool. look at his face when someone asks him “what do you think people even are, you asshole?!” 

he looks so fucking pleased with himself for delivering this line, like it’s one of the slyest and cleverest things he’s ever said. he’s so proud of himself for flaunting how immoral, horrifying, and terrible he is in front of everyone’s faces. fear him... this is SO funny, especially in light of how horrible he is at manipulating others. mukuro you’re doing great

5. doesn’t fucking know what a flame is

mukuro: my incredible fighting prowess comes from this purple flame i can summon sometimes...!!! also mukuro: [has no fucking clue what the flame is, only that it makes him fight good and thats the important part, obviously]

he’s been through like, at least 2 entire mafia families, and has possibly killed more. the sheer power of mukuro’s ignorance to the existence of dying will flames is astoundingly powerful, and enough to knock out lesser men at close ranges

 6. can’t resist the impulse to give away all his cards so he can gloat over his enemies

you know the part where he pretends to shoot himself in the head but actually possesses one of tsuna’s friends? and then proceeds to give away his possession almost IMMEDIATELY by a) not changing his mannerisms in the slightest and behaving exactly like himself, b) attacking tsuna (and not even right! he misses! he was too impatient to actually wait for a good opportunity?????) c) just straight-up telling tsuna what he did

how does anyone take him seriously beyond the fact that he can fight good. he’s so dumb i cry every time i think about all the stupid shit he does. he’s a baby

7. this isn’t really evidence of mukuro being a dumbass, but i do want everyone to know, that mukuro’s persona is so aggravatingly conceited that he changed tsuna’s motivation from “i want to stop mukuro from hurting my friends” to “i  want to beat in mukuro’s entire face because he’s a fucking asshole” and i think that’s incredible

8. impractically dramatic

i already put this one down but it bears repeating because of the scene where mukuro is possessing ~6 bodies, and tsuna is knocked prone on the ground completely unmoving. tsuna has an ENTIRE conversation with reborn and mukuro doesn’t do anything except stand to the side with his 6 possessed super-fighter bodies and watch. what are you doing you fool

like i can't even comprehend what's going on in mukuro's head the only thing i can think is that he's impulsive and he LOVES entertainment so he can't help but do stupid shit like this as long as it's for the sake of more drama. if it adds drama he has to let it happen. 

this entire battle is just mukuro’s dramatics? he's spent so much time posturing and the only reason anyone is going to pay attention to the stupid shit he says is because occasionally he actually follows up on it and does terrible awful things. otherwise no one would care. mukuro needs actual friends and people who care about him, which he's going to make difficult because he physically can't stand not having control over someone else

categories of people, according to mukuro: 

enemies 

under his control

???

which means if you have a situation like this:

someone: i like you as a friend mukuro:  mukuro: mukuro: i have to possess them now

exhibit a: lancia. mukuro is so fucking bad at people it’s hilarious

9. has no sense of shame but an acute sense of embarrassment so he’ll do anything in pursuit of his goals but as soon as you remotely insinuate it doesn’t look cool he has to kill you

exhibit a: mukuro does this thing where he very dramatically stabs out his eye, and when removes his fingers somehow the eye is still there except it’s bleeding now and looks very cool. then he monologues to tsuna about his powerup for a while. tsuna... doesn’t give a single shit. the resulting dynamic looks a little bit like this:

mukuro: postures tsuna: you're a disappointment to me mukuro: mukuro, internally panicking:

mukuro is working very hard to look cool and intimidating right now! tsuna thinks he’s an idiot. out of all the things mukuro has to be stressed out about right now, i.e. being chased by deadly mafia enforcers, it really says something that it’s someone else thinking he looks stupid that makes him sweat. it’s hilarious is what it is. 

tsuna: [no longer affected by mukuro's bulshit] mukuro: s...shit... [continues to issue bullshit, except harder and more than before. also he's more stressed]

or as @micronecro so succinctly put it:

tsuna can perceive the extent of mukuro’s bullshit, which leads to some absolutely incredible moments, such as this:

mukuro: im going to kill you. im going to clown you tsuna: makes this face

i love that within 10 minutes of battle tsuna has divined mukuro’s exact nature and is no longer fazed by any of mukuro’s bullshit, and really can’t do anything except be completely fed up with it at this point. just go home mukuro. just stop while you’re still ahead. it’s okay. 

naturally it wouldn’t be mukuro if he didn’t follow his series of ill-advised decisions all the way to the very end, issuing bullshit the whole way. but  that’s  why we love him; for his endless potential and comedic entertainment

ANOTHER VERY GOOD MOMENT:

tsuna: [punches him once] mukuro:

mukuro: [feeling helpless, and thus resorting wholly to dramatics] kill me tsuna: [walking away] don't draw me into your bullshit, actually mukuro: [IMMEDIATELY SEIZES THE OPPORTUNITY TO ATTACK TSUNA] YOU FOOL, THIS WAS MY PLAN THE WHOLE TIME

mukuro is so shameless he’ll do literally anything to get the drop on his enemy but he can’t even do it well. he’s trying. he’s really bad at it. i don’t know why anyone would ever think  that mukuro is cool. 

in conclusion: i think mukuro possiby has no sense of shame, only embarrassment, so if someone pointed out the fact that this entire sequence of events is INCREDIBLY funny exclusively because of the ridiculousness of mukuro’s decisions it would go like this

tsuna: it was kind of embarrassing to witness actually mukuro: mukuro: mukuro: Die

tl;dr mukuro is a dumb baby who should not be allowed to live by himself. that concludes my ted talk. thanks for coming

#meta #txt #khr #mukuro rokudo #this is a bit of an unorganized ramble but i promise you that mukuro is objectively a dumbass and incredibly funny #and that's why we should all be joined in the purpose of endlessly making fun of him #he makes it so EASY #please don't make the mistake of thinking mukuro is in any way suave or cool or particularly clever. he's really not. he's really really not #his total lack of self-consciousness when it comes to this large glaring flaw in his personality and also his plan to take over the world #is why i love him. youre doing great mukuro.

[stripesquadsideblog]

Shizuma general headcanons

Reposting this from my main blog @caxceberxvi 

ok so here are some of the head canons ive been working on for shizuma. im def going to do all of the stripe squad and im probably going to update this after next  weeks ep if we see what happens to them        

very much dating buntan. Their fav activity is (besides being sassmasters) is watching fireworks and the fountain displays in the old parts of Kiri

however theyre both pretty loved starved and have no idea how to have a real relationship so it eventually peters out to them just being cuddle friends

its pretty cold and wet in kiri so getting good tea and coffee is hard. His favourite brand actually comes from Suna but hes loath to admit it because FORIGN GOODS

those little gills on the side of his face didn’t appare until puberty but now they pop in constanly. When he gets happy they wiggle, when he gets sad or crys sometimes they dribble like a runny nose and sometimes when he sneezes they pop in suddenly and scare the hell out of everyone because sneeze is suddenly X12 LOUDER.

His favorite food is Unagi  (barbeque grilled river-eel) which is hard to get in the salty ocean surrounded land of water .

He tells people he likes fugu because he likes to live dangerously but secretly he’d rather have Takoyaki  from that one little place on the pier.

He really doesn’t eat red meat since its really hard to rear in kiri and really expencive . however if someone offered it to him he’d probably eat it

However if you offer him gobo( burdock root) or Nasu ( egg plant) he will throw them at you in disgust

Fun fact about Hoshigakis is that some of them are more like sharks than others. Some of them suffer from Tonic immobility . so for example If someone were to boop shizuma on the nose he’d be stuck until they decided to move.

This is his most closely guarded secret ( it is also very cute and im defiantly going to draw it)

Heres the nice ones

but i really love to torture shark-child so there are some nastys below the cut

angst warning!

@temari-i-i as promised =)

100% confirmed cuddle monster who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “ personal space. He also has the rest of the stripe squad as bad as he is.

Not a morning person tbh. Cant function before 10am and needs at least 2 cups of coffee to get going.

The reason he was on Penance during the fiend trip arc was because he messed up an important peace building mission to Iwa. He pretended it was an accident but no one was buying it.

After the field trip arc he was demoted back to Genin.

He says hes 18 during the field trip arc but hes actually a few months shy of 18 . hes just tryna act older since hes the youngest of the stripe squad .

The Hoshigaki clan is actually Matriarchal, as with sharks irl. Female hoshigaki are stronger and have more chakra on average. The more women of high ninja rank in the family the more say they have

There are a lot of twins  and triplets in the hoshigaki Clan as sharks tend to have multiple bbys

Shizumas parents struggled to have children and when they did it was just one boy, shizuma. Because of this  shizumas family hold little sway over the decisions of the clan which his parents are a little bit bitter about

Speaking of his family they are kind of jerks. His mom is fairly important, she does love shizuma but since hes not a girl she doesn’t really pay him any heed because whats the point???

she would be the first to voice her annoyance if he did anything less than perfect on a mission or exam because how dare you son of mine????

His dad on the other hand is an abusive asshole. He constantly undermines shizuma for even the smallest failure and constantly telling him he needs to change and be better but fails to acknowledge shizuma when he succeeds at anything. If shizuma speaks back its likely he’ll be hit or punished in someway

Because of this He was genuinely hurt by Kaguras suggestion that he could change as the whole reason behind his attempted coup  was because his dad told him he needed to change and he did so now hes all confused and which is it??? Change back to a failure in his parents eyes or a traitor to the village???

The only time his dad is even the slightest bit kind is when shizuma asks to hear about how the village used to be during the blood mist days. Shizuma has grown up with tales of the glory days and now obviously idolizes it.

This is one of the main reasons he wants things to go back to how they were in the past

Neither of his parents went to his Chunin exam graduation or his appointment to instructor at the academy .

They were also PISSED after the whole field trip incident . outwardly they support the village or at least the clan does. They turned the air blue yelling at him about disrespecting the village and stealing something as valuable and dangerous as samehada , esp since he didn’t earn it

But behind closed doors they were more angry that shizuma got caught and wasn’t able to wield samehada with any kind of skill.

If shizuma had succeeded they would have chalked it up to a Clan victory rather than shizumas own accomplishments  but since he failed its all his problem and hes  useless and shameing the clan

After merging with samehada his chakra pathway was damaged meaning he now has trouble performing even the most basic ninjutsu like walking on water(ill go into this more later or in another head canon thing because its 0015 and im tired)

Little bit of a masochist .too young for the NASTY™ but would def be into the whole whips and chains thing ( should this go in a NSFW HC list or something???)

Questionably straight Shark child©

#shizuma hoshigaki #shizuma #shizuma headcanons #stripe squad headcanons #stripe squad #headcanon

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 12: “Phase One: Get the Grandma’s Boys Back Together” - Jones

I have thoughts.

1 I still feel bad for telling Tom to fuck off but also,,,,, I don’t ???

2 I hate that I’m the one who has to apologize to *****these men***** when they were the ones who apparently threw me under the bus in the first place

3 I miss Julia

Ok I don’t feel like doing the number thing anymore that shits dumb.

Um if Mitch is gonna let an alliance slide through the cracks again he’s not playing hard like he said, he’s just playing dumb and out of fear. Benj is probs gonna do whatever Mitch says tho so maybe it’d be better sooner or later to get one of them out before we split up the Jason/Tom/Ali trio

Speaking OF,, Julia went out saying that that trio is the biggest threat to win, but that’s only true about like,,, only Ali SKSKKDKF to me it’s kinda clear that Jason and Tom are Ali’s goats and they’re gonna be the easiest to beat for him in a F3/2 situation. Ali is by far the biggest threat to win and probably has been since Alex got voted out. Bc who doesn’t love Ali yk??? It’s gonna be hard to get him out but I feel like at least my 100% people (Caeleb and Mo as of this vote) would be down to vote him if he was the biggest threat.

Um also ??? These guys REALLY think Alex left with the durmitor idol???? Which is SO shocking because I cannot keep a secret for my life and I’m so easy to read. But um that’s a plus for me tho so woohoo? I’m not gonna tell anyone else ab it tho Bc,,,, obviously. This cast is messy as fuck I don’t want anyone else that I DONT trust to know about it. So I’m happy that my little inner durmitor triangle are the only ones that know.

I think this is mostly me rambling at this point so i’m gonna sign off I think.

okay so I really did a crap job of confessing last round, so I have a lot of catch-up to do.

so first off, i think i already confessed about this, but i have TWO IDOLS NOW jklasdfaf, the budva idol and the merge sapphire idol. like assuming i play them right, i can fast track myself to F6 already, which is SO EXCITING.

also... last vote was such a mess. so after the last vote, where i was left out-ish, in that Jones/Caeleb/Benj told me what was happening, but don't know that each other told me. Me and Julia (who was truly left out) talked, and I was genuinely hoping to group up with her. Benj suggested a F4 of me/him/Tom/Julia last round, and I was SO DOWN. Like I've genuinely wanted to work with Julia all season, I should have told her about the Alex vote, but I've been with her this whole time, so its frustrating what happened next.

So... I'm on call and Mo/Mitch tell me to vote Julia, and I agree, knowing I'm lying because I'm in a chat with Jason/Julia/Tom where we are trying to vote off Mo or Jones. But then Mo being shady, and I literally told Julia this to, tells Julia that everyone is voting her out, and Jones says Tom is who threw Julia's name out.

Julia. Goes. Nuclear. She goes on call, outs the alliance, says we are all shady and tries to blow up our games. I'm REALLY frustrated that she did that, because Mo/Mitch were literally voting her and we were stopping it, but she let them mist her. Also... I didn't want to vote Tom or Julia, they are both outsiders, as am I, and we needed each other. Tom/Julia were both not apart of the Jules vote, we just had a fight amongst the outsiders which... dumb.

Once Julia did that, I was sure Tom was gone, I was totally sure. But Tom managed to flip Mitch, which good for him. But I don't know how he did that, getting Mitch to vote with me, when Mitch has been paranoid about me above everyone else. But now... Mitch will likely be suspicious of me, Jones/Mo will know for sure that I'm targeting them, and I'm no closer to breaking up that group.

So now I'm confident I'll need to use the idol to fracture that group. A scenario I could see happening and working, is next round maybe Mitch/Jones/Mo/Benj and maybe Caeleb vote me, Tom/Jason vote Jones/Mo and I vote the other, which means my sapphire idol can both save myself and break up that group. I'll have to stay tuned on that one though.

This reward challenge flash game is very annoying, so I'm probably not gonna win. Considering how much I popped off for the last immunity, if I win two in a row, it might cause me problems. Hopefully the immunity challenge is do-able, because if I win that, I'm guaranteed a spot in FINAL SEVEN YAY.

I haven't done one of these in a while, but ideal bootlist moving forwards:

Jones > Mitch > Jason > Caeleb > Mo > F3: Me/Tom/Benj or F2: Me/Benj

And if I am voted out eighth, the order in which I would vote for people at FTC:

Mitch > Jason > Caeleb > Benj > Jones > Tom > Mo

also just wanna stay like... how much i stan jones? like we literally have not voted together pretty much at all across merge... but we stan?

she is just so much fun, like our game relationship... is fragile at best, but on a personal level I am and will remain a Jones WARRIOR.

Omg I no longer have the most votes cast for me cuz now Tom does. Even though 2 of Tom's votes are HIMSELF the bafoon.

I was not surprised to see Julia go last tribal. I of course did not vote for her, but her craziness kinda sealed her deal. Plus theres the curse within the curse of where someone who gets cursed initially also goes home (Alex, Jules, Julia). Lmao. But seriously, I voted Tom and he got really sad because we had a good thing going, but at the time no one was willing to be cemented on Julia, but Mo and Jones were cemented on Tom. So I went with the "confidence" and voted what I knew was more certain. However, Ali and Benj and Mitch all voted Julia. Ali and Benj are my closest allies so they let me know before tribal, but Mitch is a flip always been so. The two of them (Ali and Benj) are playing very well which makes me nervous. I either have to take control back in this game or start voting them off, even if that makes me a little cut throat. My other option is to let them vote off Mo next time (Benj's idea) and then have them drag me along and lose in FTC. Instead I think I'm going to get Mo, Jones, and Me to vote Mitch next round (taken he doesn't have immunity), with maybe Ali and maybe Tom but I think 4 might be enough. Then next round I work with Benj and Jason and Ali and Tom to vote out Mo. That puts me back in a strong position (I THINK BUT TRULY IM NERVOUS WITH ANY VOTE AND ALL VOTES IM JUST PRETENDING TO KNOW WHAT IM SAYING). I just hope Tom doesn't have it out for me after last time. That could make things hard, and I'll have to navigate trying to get Benj to wait to vote Mo and telling Jason, Benj, and Mitch a wrong vote.

I’m genuinely feeling confident in my score of 10 guesses, I don’t know what’s considered a good score but for me this is stunnin

Oh Jones, Caeleb and Benj tied for a score of 8? That’s cool... Happy for them... In all seriousness though I think Ali might of screwed himself over by doing the challenge drunk because this may very well be our lucky chance to get out a comp beast.

So... I didn't win immunity, which is a shame, but also probably good news, since if I won three challenges in a row, people would likely try and vote me at every opportunity.

I feel like I'm going to need to play one of my idols this round, which... is unfortunate, but also like kinda exciting? I think the ideal situation is that I play the sapphire idol, maybe in a way that since Tom/Jason have exposed votes, if Caeleb/Benj/Mitch/Jones/Mo vote me, and Tom/Jason vote one of Jones or Mo, I vote the other and send them home with one vote.

However, I'm not 100% sure I'll be getting votes, just since Caeleb and I are super close, so I don't see him super wanting to vote for me. I feel like if the plan was to vote Ali, Mitch would tell Benj, who would tell me, or Caeleb might not be down. Regardless, I'm very much expecting to have to pull out an idol tonight!

If I get my way tonight, I want Jones and Mo split up. As people, we love them both, but as players right now, they are too connected and have too much sway. If I got my way, I would want Jones out, since I think she is the glue between the Caeleb/Mo/Mitch, so would defo be worth getting out.

Just realised that if I play the sapphire idol, it gets rehidden which I do not want, so I might just have to play the budva idol if I'm getting votes tonight, which is frustrating but I'll have to deal with it sighhhh.

ding dong the witch is dead (ur welcome johnny)

confessing this because my brain is SO BIG, and I clocked this on call. Caeleb is the boyfriend of Matt who just won Kuwait. MY MIND IS SO POWERFUL

I've been meaning to write this all day but Tom fell asleep on call and I've been distracted the whole time. SO here we are

I'm also typing this out with Google whatever the f*** is Google voice??? So it might sound a bit robotic just bare with me here LOL.

but literally yesterday while I was doing the trash at work I was brainstorming probably one of my favorite moves I've ever and probably will ever accomplish ever?? I'm very excited about it, because it seems like it's going underway,,, like it might work?? and knowing my luck this shouldn't be happening but here we go,,

So phase one: get the Grandma's boys back together. So like,,, me Caeleb and Mo. we basically already trust each other with our entire hearts anyway and besides the Alex but we've stuck together on everything? So we might as well get the band back together you know what I mean? also they're probably the three people I trust the most and the three people that I really want to go to the end with for sure so that's how I'm feeling about that. Check that off the list.

Phase 2: get Mitch and Benj to possibly spill who the other side is voting for and or get them to vote for Tom or Jason. because quite frankly Benj and Mitch are a very obvious power duo and have floated through the middle the entire time and they've been together the entire game so it feels kind of obvious that they're working together. Plus benj told Mitch the plan about voting out Caeleb premerge, so it just feels like it's been a thing forever. call go to be honest thinking about it now, I feel is though we're going to figure out who Jason and Tom are voting for anyway because they do have to vote in advance? So as long as Benj and Mitch vote for who we tell them for, then phase 2 will be a success.

Phase 3: grandma's boys vote,,,,, ALI!!!!! sorry to say, Ali is by far the biggest threat in the game and probably has been for a long time? Not only is he amazing in challenges , but he has like one the best social games ?? Ever???? So no one would Want to vote out Ali, but it's like,,, the best move I think to do now . Esp bc he doesn't have immunity.

And then,,,,, optional step 4: play my idol. That way,,, we can guarantee that a tie scenario doesn't happen,, and then in the split Ali would theoretically go w 3, but if an idol is played either way on them, one of those two will go. SO YA HOPEFULLY THIS PLAN ACTUHLY WORKS HAHAHAHAHA

Update!!! So like I think im in an ok spot. I was the sole vote to send home Julia because I found her unpredictable and she voted me the round previously so.... This vote should be between tom and one of jones/mo/caeleb because they are an obvious trio and im pretty sure one of them has an idol. If there is an idol played and it is flushed, the trio of mo/caeleb/jones is broken up. If it isnt flushed, we intend to do a 3-3-2 with Benj Ali Tom Jason and I splitting between two of them. Id prefer if Jones stays because I feel like I have the best connection with her out of the three, but I also fear that they have gotten closer and closer ever since we have merged. We will find out what happens shortly because as of now, there is still no definitive plan