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eye-of-the-phoenix · 1 month

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I want to like CRY so much

I just finished replaying it and I have so many opinions, as always. This game is unique for me in that I WANT to like it so badly but it just doesn't quite work. However, I stubbornly replay it and ponder what it could have been because I wish I liked it more. I especially feel this way because I live in New Orleans and its just so CLOSE to being good!

More thoughts under the cut.

PROS:

I actually think they did a great job with the setting. It's raining so hard that the power goes out and the streets are too flooded for cabs? There are weird creatures and bugs around every corner, some of which are messing with your belongings? The best food is from some sketchy stand served by some random Shorty person? Accurate, welcome to New Orleans. I can even forgive Bess for eating crawfish with the shells on with a spoon.

The characters are also good. Lamont is completely underutilized to where I'd never believe he was the culprit, but I can imagine running into all of these people throughout my day and it makes sense that they would all also interact with each other off-screen.

The core mystery is really interesting. It's the classic Nancy-gets-sucked-in-to-a-case-on-vacation scenario, but she really does stumble into the situation by accident in this one and has a personal stake because she gets attacked by the skeleton man. The progression is believable as she starts to unravel the skull mystery and discovers that Bruno's death was actually kind of suspicious.

My favorite ND trope, secret room/hideout/study revealed midgame, with a lot of things to look at and click on, is present.

CONS

The music is kind of a miss. It's not bad, but it should have been so much better. It has this boring CLK old-timey feel and they kind of missed the mark in my opinion. I think a more upbeat track with some brass, maybe something bluesy, maybe something modern would have added more variety.

The puzzles. THE PUZZLES ARE SO TEDIOUS. I hate that we find this book Bruno wrote and it's just a walkthrough to getting a bunch of eyeballs through various boring puzzles for the sake of padding the game. I use a walkthrough for like half of this game every time because I don't find the puzzles fun. My least favorites are the sneeze contraption because there is ZERO confirmation as to whether you're on the right track when you do it, and the tombstone pun puzzle because walking back and forth around the cemetery is SO TEDIOUS and it has zero replay value.

Bruno's house doesn't make sense because it's fairly spacious and kept up on the bottom story and the top floor that we can access is just two horrible moldy rooms. Bruno, you dropped dead from breathing in black mold in your own house, not a heart attack. Trust me when I say I know it's humid and wet here, but there's just no reason for the upstairs to be that uninhabitable indoors.

On a related note, I wish there was more to explore, and no, the cemetery doesn't count. There should be more rooms for Nancy to snoop through (where is Henry sleeping?) and like one more place for Bess to go. Or more things to do and click on in Zeke's aside from just looking at that one box a million times. Or the option to poke around Renee's table when she's away. NOT nearly enough snooping for me.

It's so dark. It's too dark. It could have been like 10% lighter or had a partial daytime element so that I could actually see what I was doing even a tiny bit.

#nancy drew #legend of the crystal skull #in the future this might just be a game i watch on youtube so i don't have to actually do any of these puzzles ever again

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olderthannetfic · 1 year

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On the topic of speedrunning friends, hoo boy do I have a story for you.

It is so, so important to assert your boundaries if you find someone doing that to you, or even if you find yourself organically getting close weirdly quickly. A few years ago I made a friend online that I really hit it off with, same flavor of ND, same obsessions, had a ton of things in common, similar outlook on life, only person in the world I'd be inclined to call a soulmate at the time. Within half a year of meeting them I felt we were close enough to make them co-admin of fandom blog I run. Then they were traveling and wanted to send me a postcard from the location they were visiting, and were so excited about it I felt awkward about going "actually I'd rather not give out my address just yet" and turning them down. I also felt a little weird trying to set boundaries with them, because they were significantly younger than me, so me trying to "protect" myself from them felt silly if that makes sense? In the end, I felt awkward enough that I didn't even read the postcard, which should have been a red flag to myself at the time.

In hindsight - when that friendship crashed and burned - saying yes to the postcard was one of the times I wish I'd slowed things down and asserted my boundaries early on. Not only did they later resent me for not telling them when we did eventually have that conversation, it also made it harder to push back when they got SUPER controlling. I could easily fill ten pages just talking about it, but they devolved into spiraling over any perceived or real change in me or in our fandom community, because it meant things were Changing and change was always for the worst because it meant they would end up abandoned and alone.

I broke things off when their fear of abandonment came to dominate every single conversation, including conversations about shitty things they'd said to me due to said fear of abandonment.

In hindsight, they're probably suffering from rampant undiagnosed and unmanaged BPD. I hope they're getting help and working on it (though from their socials, it doesn't look like it), but for the longest time I also blamed myself for letting things get so far, for all the times I responded to their antics by trying to comfort and educate them (again, I'm older but could relate a lot to what they were going through so a lot of the time I was operating on a sort of "if I don't understand them and help them overcome this, who will?" logic) instead of setting boundaries. I mean, I still blame myself, but enough time has passed that I no longer feel like shit about it. On the flip side, I was utterly flabbargasted by the sheer amount of delayed anger at them I developed over the next few years, after we stopped talking. When I broke the friendship off, it had been a difficult decision but a huge relief at the time. A year later I was mad at myself for not breaking it off months earlier and, upon rereading old messages, couldn't believe I'd let them say all that shit to me and had still kept talking to them afterwards.

Anyway, lesson of the day: Don't rush into friendship milestones if you feel uncomfortable, even if you feel like you "should" for whatever reason. Also, while we're at it, if you're in your mid twenties maybe don't become close friends with someone in their late teens? Even if you don't feel the age difference because you're too much of a disaster to feel like a Proper Adult(TM), trust me, it's there and makes it easier for things to get weird and toxic and codependent. A teenager who latches onto your friendship that fast is looking for a parent of the kind the never had, not a friend.

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ideasatemynights · 9 months

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I headcanon that newt used to be self conscious about his weight but stopped caring after awhile

Oh yeah definitely, I 100% agree with that!! I've thought A Lot about Newt's relationship with his weight as someone who's fat irl and is also pretty similar to him in personality according to irl people I know, which definitely leads to the Projection. Some general sorts of headcanons about this (warning for internalized fatphobia, disordered eating, and just a fair amount of self hatred below. Also I wrote this in one big block in the middle of the night, so it's going to be kind of incoherent.):

☆Absolutely is someone who's always been naturally chubby/fat. He didn't really think anything of it when he was really little because he looks like his dad and uncle and they're so cool and he loves them so much!! He was always more focused on catching cool bugs and playing Godzilla with his dad and uncle anyway.

☆Once he got to be a little bit older in school, he definitely started feeling insecure. He already had a target painted on his back because he was too smart, too loud, too passionate, too rude, basically too ND for all the other kids and even the teachers (not helped by the fact that he was always ahead in school), so his classmates absolutely started picking on him for his weight and probably his height too. Because of all of that, he started feeling really bad about his body and wishing that he looked different.

☆This also intersects with my HCs about Newt being trans and his relationship with his mom. His mom was the only person in his family who was more thin and conventionally attractive and because he was AFAB, before he came out she basically just wanted to use him as a doll to parade around and show off on the rare occasions she actually saw him and because of that she tended to be critical of a lot of aspects of his appearance. There was a lot of her fussing over him and telling him that he should diet, grow his hair out, be more proper and less messy, dress more feminine, etc, which didn't help his self esteem. Once he came out as trans, she basically just stopped talking to him altogether.

☆There's also a lot of fatphobia in trans spaces, medical gatekeeping based on weight, belief that fat people can never be read as their correct gender, lack of gender affirming products for fat trans people, etc, which also doesn't help.

☆Once he started at MIT (probably around 15 based on canon info??), he was even more in the spotlight because he was known very publicly as a prodigy, was in a lot of news articles and stuff, won a lot of awards, etc, which added a whole other layer of scrutiny from the public to his appearance. He was also pretty isolated from same age peers because of it, so when he did get to socialize with them, his naturally poor social skills were even more atrophied because of it. Because of that, he was subjected to even more weight based bullying than he would have been otherwise, which did an additional number on his self esteem.

☆When Newt started writing with Hermann, he never would have admitted it, but he was kind of happy that Hermann couldn't see him. He had kind of reached a point where he assumed anyone would immediately write him off because of his appearance and particularly his weight and he was so happy to finally be able to make a friend who couldn't dismiss him based on the way he looked. He knew that Hermann could definitely find pics of him online, but he was hoping that the relationship he built through writing would cancel out the way he looked (obviously a super unhealthy thought process, but uhhh). The fact that the first healthy relationship Newt had ever had with a peer was also with a guy who didn't originally know what he looked like also unintentionally reinforced some bad body image stuff.

☆When Newt figured out he was falling in love with Hermann, he was even more terrified of Hermann learning what he looked like. Like he hadn't had a good track record with making friends or people affirming his appearance in the past, but he uhhhh especially hadn't had a good track record with romance. He had been rejected a lot and when someone had gone out with him, they were clearly using him for easy make out sessions and the sort, while not really caring for his personality or appearance in the slightest (and oftentimes making digs at them). Newt was certain Hermann wouldn't do that, but he was still convinced that the only way someone could like him was despite his weight and he was terrified that Hermann wouldn't like him enough for his personality to cancel out the difference (once again, not true and definitely unhealthy, but he's having a real bad time).

☆So they finally meet in person and it goes poorly. It had nothing to do with Newt's appearance and logically he knows that, but there's still some small deeply unkind part of him that's convinced that Hermann took one look at him and decided he was too fat and ugly to even consider staying in contact with, much less dating.

☆(In actuality, Hermann took one look at him and instantly thought that he was the most attractive man he had ever seen in his life. He desperately wanted to press Newt up against the wall and grab his love handles and kiss every inch of his mouth and face and neck and chest he could get his hands on. Being Hermann, he was deeply mortified by having such lewd thoughts about a colleague, especially one so obviously attractive to him, which definitely contributed to them both being incredibly awkward and off their game while meeting.)

☆By this point, I think Newt's in a really bad place mentally with his body and his relationship with his weight, so I think he ends up in a depressive episode for a while. This has the side effect of killing his appetite and so he ends up losing some weight which is really not physically healthy for him, but he feels a sick sort of pleasure in anyway. When he meets back up with Hermann when they're both stationed in HK, Hermann is still fucking pissed at him (just as Newt is likewise), but he's also legitimately worried about Newt because he doesn't look well by the standards of his body. Hermann ends up eventually asking about it, which only pisses Newt off and honestly brings up a fuckton of trauma for him and also causes Newt to believe that Hermann really is disgusted with him and his body.

☆As the war rages on and rations get tighter and they start working longer and longer hours, Newt loses even more weight which once again causes a sick sort of pleasure in him, despite logically knowing as a biologist that this is in fact very very bad for him and his body. He never intentionally tries to restrict food or lose weight, but he can't help feeling some pleasure at being so much more thin than he's used to. By the time the movie starts, he looks like he actually does in it, where he's soft around the edges, but not fat anymore. Hermann doesn't bring it up both because it's the result of the last days of war and because last time Newt got very upset, but he watches from the sidelines and is very worried about him.

☆When Newt drifts with Hermann, there's a lot of surprise on Newt's end that not only does Hermann like him and not only is Hermann actually in love with, but Hermann actually likes his body in its natural form when it's treated well. In fact, Newt is kind of stunned at how attracted Hermann was to him at their first meeting and the fact that while Hermann would be attracted to him at any weight, Hermann definitely distinctly prefers him fat and healthy and happy. This also causes Newt to realize that Hermann was legitimately concerned about him when he asked about his eating habits, etc, and that maybe the way Hermann treats him is the way he should have been treated all along.

☆Now this obviously doesn't fix everything in one go because a lifetime of trauma doesn't just go away overnight, but going to mandated therapy post war helps, along with a healthy relationship with Hermann, more time to relax, the ending of rationing and the entire world recovering, etc. He eventually gains all of his original weight back and then some and Hermann is so fucking in love with his incredibly handsome sexy fat husband and his wonderful mind and personality. Like don't get me wrong, they're still complete bitches to one another, but they adore each other and work through their insecurities together and it's wonderful.

Once again, I'm writing this at 3 am, so I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. Also forgive me for the huge block of text, you unlocked A Thing I Go Insane About.

#tiegan talks #answered asks #pacific rim posting #newt geiszler #newton geiszler #hermann gottlieb #newmann #<-also just for the future you might want to block these tags if youre following/mutuals with me because we're friends #and you dont want to see me lose it and have an epic autism moment over my Very Niche In 2023 Special Interest

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jewwyfeesh · 7 months

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Recollections and Heartfelt Wishes 3

Writer: Mitsuki

Character(s): Otogari Adonis, Oogami Koga, Hasumi Keito, Kiryu Kuro, Nito Nazuna, Sakuma Rei

Translated by: jewwyfeesh

CN/EN Proof by: stcrfeesh

Koga: They’re not here either… shit, where the hell could they’ve gone?

Season: Summer Location: Seishou Hall Common Room

Nazuna: …Back then, everyone believed Koga-chin’s words, and therefore left it as that.

But now, the result is that Koga-chin’s issues seem to have worsened. In the end, is it not better to explain it properly and find an appropriate solution?

Kuro: Though, when it comes ta Oogami’s hard-headed personality… it’s quite likely that he wouldn’t take the initiative ‘nd tell others what’s wrong.

Nazuna: That’s true… Asking him up front is a no-go, so we should think of something else.

Location: Seishou Hall Hallway

Keito: (Okay. All of these materials are to be handed off for Sakuma-san to have a look over, but I hope that guy’s not in the dormitory sleeping…)

Koga: ……!

Keito: Hey! Oogami! You’re not allowed to run in the halls, because it’s easy to cra—

…UWAH?! Is this not a collision? How incorrigible!

It’s good that you only bumped into my shoulder. My glasses and the materials in my hand didn’t fall and scatter… Oogami, are you alright?

……He already ran off. Seem’s like he’s busy with some urgent matters. Hmph, I’ll let you go this time. The next time we meet, be prepared to listen to my lectures and reflect on your actions for two hours!

Eh? Hold on, these photos on the floor are…

Kuro: Oh, if it’s not Hasumi. Did’ya drop these? I helped pick some of ‘em up.

Hm? These photos look like the ones we took when we performed in RepayFes together. That time, wasn’t our group called DEADMANS?

Keito: Yes. Though there seems to be some photos that were taken from an even earlier time. These should be Oogami’s, he probably dropped them when he bumped into me in the hallway earlier on.

In the end, he had already disappeared before I had the chance to stop him. Goodness, you should watch where you’re going, even if you’re rushing.

Kuro: Oogami’s photos…? For him to keep them by his side, I should think that they’re really important to him. That they have some special meanin’.

Just now I had a li’l chat with Nito; we both agreed that Oogami seems a little off today. Though, he refused to say anythin’ ‘bout what’s troubling him. It’s gettin’ a li’l worryin’.

Keito: Is that so…? In that case, I’ll forgive him just this once. It so happens that I have something I need to hand over to Sakuma-san, so I can ask him about this as well.

After all, Sakuma-san is the senior who’s been watching over Oogami all this time, from DEADMANS all the way till UNDEAD. No matter how you look at it, he understands Oogami better than any of us.

Kuro: Oh, yeah. I’ll leave it to you, then. Nito and I will try to come up with somethin’.

[A few moments later]

Koga: They’re not here either… shit, where the hell could they’ve gone?

(It’s all because I stuffed the photos into my pocket in my rush to get out after gettin’ that call… I think I even crashed inta Shitty Glasses just now. The next time I see him, I’d better apologise.)

Rei: Fuwaaaah…

Koga: (……! Is that Sakuma-senpai over there in the corridor?!)

(Damn… I really don’t want Sakuma-senpai to know that ‘m lookin’ for the photos of that time, especially not now! I don’t even needa think ‘bout it, ‘cause I know he’ll just tease me pretty viciously!)

(I better go look for ‘em somewhere else, before that guy who’s yawnin’ away spots me.)

Location: Seishou Hall Common Room

Kuro: Yo, Oogami. G’d afternoon.

Koga: ……! Ki-Kiryuu-senpai? Don’t just appear behind me without a sound~

Kuro: Sorry. I had thought that you’ll walk by the common rooms on yer way back to the dorms, but didn’t expect to run into you right away.

These couple o’ photos are yours, right? Hasumi’s busy with a meeting at the agency, so he got me to help return these.

Koga: Oh. So I did drop them when I bumped into Shitty Glasses… thanks, Kiryu-senpai.

Could’ja help me thank that guy as well, while yer at it… no, I also needa apologise to him.

Kuro: Haha, it’s still best to say it in person, regardless of whether it’s sayin’ ‘thanks’ or ‘I’m sorry’. Though I heard from Hasumi that yer ran off in a hurry. Somethin’ urgent came up?

Koga: Nothin’ much. It’s just that a rock group that I’m watchin’ over ran into some li’l issues at practice today, so I went over to sort ‘em out.

Kuro: That’s good. To be honest, I also have somethin’ I needa trouble Oogami with.

Koga: These are… tickets to the amusement park?

Kuro: Mhm. There’s a large event planned for next weekend at the amusement park. An acquaintance of mine gave me quite a few tickets ‘cause I’m helpin’ out. If Oogami’s free, how ‘bout ya bring yer friends and join us?

Koga: Exams should be over by next weekend, so I don’t really have an issue with it… but can this even be considered ‘helping’? Feels more like a reward.

But, whatever. It’s not like I have any reason to refuse, so I’ll do as I’m told~

Kuro: Haha, have some fun, Oogami.

(Release all of that accumulated stress by playin’ to your heart’s content with your friends by your side, surely that’ll help ya relax a li’l bit.)

Location: Amusement Park

[A few days later, in the amusement park]

Koga: Hey, Adonis, it’s our turn at the ticket check. What are ya doin’, idling around over there?

Adonis: Oh, sorry. I was reading the brochure the park’s mascot was handing out over at the entrance.

I heard that there is a famous roller coaster here. Not only is the drop quite big, the speed is also very fast. It sounds like it’ll be a good experience.

Koga: If yer interested, then let’s go~ It’s still very early, so let’s play to our heart’s content today!

Oh oh, I can already see the rides just up ahead! Let’s head over to that rollercoaster first!

After, I wanna go ride that thing that’s marked with a pirate flag on the brochure. Looks real rock ‘n roll!

Adonis: This should be the so-called ‘pirate ship’, then. Last Summer, during our ‘Pirate Festival’, we UNDEAD also utilised a pirate theme.

Koga: Haha, I still remembered how cool you looked when you broke out of the cage with your bare hands! We all needa have that kinda courage to break our shackles, unlike now—

…………

Adonis: Hm? What’s wrong?

Koga: …Nothing. We’re here to play, so let’s not think too much about these depressin’ things. Let’s go!

Adonis: ……

← Chapter 2 | ES x LC Masterlist | Chapter 4 →

#enstars translation #fragments of light and shadow #recollections and heartfelt wishes #Otogari Adonis #Oogami Koga #Hasumi Keito #Kiryu Kuro #Nito Nazuna #Sakuma Rei

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viraeth · 9 months

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i wrote a short story about a boy who’s had trouble forgetting about his late best friend, & first love. it takes a twist nd turn, but i’ll leave it here for whoever finds it.

tw/cw - mentions of suicide, murder, & rubber rooms. (rooms with white puffy walls)

read at your own risk.

wow

i’ll always be mesmerized by you. not a day passes that i don’t think you’re beautiful. you constantly walk by me, you mingle with the people i know, you’re in my classes, in my lunch, & still.. i don’t even exist to you.

i’m a shadow in your world, & you’re everything in mine. you always smile cheekily at others, i can say i’m jealous. i think i’d like to be the reason you’re smiling at some point. no matter the circumstances..

once again, class ended & you walked right past me. i don’t expect anything more from you, though.

confused

why won’t you at least look at me? i mean, i am here, right? i’m not some ghost or anything, right..?? i just want you to at least say hi, maybe even just turn my way.

you walk the halls of this school like you own them. you hang out with these girls & boys like it’s all you know how to do, & here i am, desperate..

i’m just a bit confused; how come everyone else gets to have you, but i don’t?

that’s just not fair. why can’t you see that i’m here?

the look

we had been in english class, i was doing my work & you turned to me to ask for a pencil. i was dumbfounded.

i couldn’t even believe it was happening. at this point, i made you out to be some celebrity. it’s like you didn’t live in the same world as me, like your eyes didn’t blink the same as mine, & your heart didn’t beat the same as everyone’s.. but you are just a human being.

the look you gave me was- normal, i can’t say that it knocked me off my feet.. but the fact that it was so simple made me want to cry. your eyes were so full, yet empty. i could see so much, yet not make anything out of them at all.

you’re the type of person that has to be studied.

someone new

sometimes i don’t know how you work.. actually i guess that’s all the time.

but why all of a sudden do you need some guy in your life? i mean you guys don’t even speak? you just walk with each other, everywhere. class, lunch, the parking lot after school, hell- you probably go to the bathroom together..

why him?

better yet, why not.. me? what have i done so wrong?

why can’t you want me?

you’ve got to be delusional or something.

rumors

“he’s always staring at that empty seat”

“i know! what do you think she thinks about?”

“i don’t know, but girl.. he’s fucken creepy”

“have you noticed that he watches you a lot”

“you should be really careful..”

“awhhh, the lil delusion boy wants youuu!!”

“shut the fuck up, it’s not funny??”

what are they even talking about?

rumors have gone around school that some guy has been talking to himself, & following some dude around. it is creepy, i can’t lie to myself. i wonder what you think of it all.

i wish i could ask you, but i’ll just keep watching from afar.

fuck him

you’re still hanging with this dude, & by this point, you guys have gotten far too close. i’ve seen him put his hand on your thigh, his arm over your shoulders, and you guys have even kissed.. but why? why does it have to be him?

why’d you let him do it?

i know you didn’t want that.. tell me you didn’t. please. say something, anything. i’m practically begging you.

WHY WON’T YOU SPEAK TO ME?!

fuck him, what does he do for you, that i can’t? fuck him, he’s nothing, i could be everything. all you need, in one person. you won’t have to do anything but sit there & be pretty. FUCK HIM!!

who?

“it’s michelle rienhardt, i’m here at the south view police department; after some intense hours of questioning, police have incarcerated an 18 year old male, from south view high school. at around 3:40 this afternoon, he stabbed & killed one of his peers. keep up with web 5 news. more information will be out in the coming hours or days. back to you katy”

i’m sorry. i promise i am. i did it for a reason, i swear it!

god. why are you still here. i’m locked behind bars & you’re still tormenting me?! leave me alone. please. i’ve never asked you for anything.

just leave me alone.

“young man, are you alright?”

huh?

“yeah, can you just take her away please??”

please. get out.

“who?”

nothing was ever real

i can’t stop saying i’m sorry. i don’t know why i can’t let you go. it happened years ago.

you killed yourself years ago.

nothing was ever real. i never saw you in those halls, you were never talking to that boy, you guys never kissed, you never.. asked me for that pencil..

i wasn’t ready to say goodbye. you left me to cope with all this bullshit. you broke my heart, & you never told me why. i got no closure. you’re so fucking selfish. you were my best friend & my first love.. what did i do? why’d you have to leave? don’t you care about me..?

it’s your fault he’s dead now. you did this to me- to him! now i’m stuck between these 4 white puffy walls. it’s disgusting.

why couldn’t you have lived??? not even for me, just for yourself? none of this would’ve happened. i’m not a killer. i promise i’m not.

it’s all your fault.

you were just an illusion.

#obsessive yandere #yanderecore #obsessive #bf #gf #lovesick #lovestruck #i love him #i love her #x reader

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dreamingwitcher · 1 year

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Hi friends!

With the recent debut of a certain animated movie causing much excitement among NTs and a bit of a stir in the ND crowd, I thought I'd write a short bit to hopefully help people wanting to see the movie but uncertain whether they should feel a little less alone.

If you are an NT person who is going with an ND person, please listen to their discomfort cues, as they may not always be verbal. Geralt's experience here is based on my own overload cues. An autistic child grows into an autistic adult.

If you have any comments or questions, please drop them in the replies. If I've missed something, I'd love to hear from you. I speak only for myself and hope others might find some shared experience in this.

Thank you.

“Geralt, we are going to a movie.”

Geralt looked up from his seven-egg, four-sausage breakfast. “Out of the blue. Which one are you interested in seeing?”

Jaskier bounced up from the couch, sliding his phone across the table. Geralt picked it up and paused in his chewing. “An animated one? We've seen the first one, right?”

“The reviews said it was supposed to be really really good. Everyone’s talking about it. Come onnnn, Geralt,” Jaskier wheedled, leaning over backward on the table. “We haven’t gone to see one in forever. Please?”

“Oh, all right. Sometime in the afternoon, though. You know I work out in the mornings.”

“Yes!” Jaskier pecked his husband on the cheek. “You’re the best.”

************************************

Jaskier, Geralt thought, was dressed rather like one of the characters out of his movie: polyester and spandex splashed with bright, irregular geometric patterns that clashed horribly.

“Geralt, where’s your color? You look like you’ve been peeled off an unlit cave wall.”

Geralt picked at his own black apparel. It wasn’t that he disliked movies or going to the movies with Jaskier. On the contrary, he rather enjoyed them, even the brightly-colored ones aimed at a younger audience. There was a simple, honest pleasure in passionate storytelling and well-crafted animation. But they could be a bit much sometimes. He’d forgotten to take Jaskier’s enthusiasm and consequent overdressing into account, but he’d rather be a little more comfortable.

“In the wash. C’mon. You want popcorn, don’t you?”

“Of course I want popcorn. Is that even a question?”

Geralt rolled his eyes, but bought two large sodas, four candies, and the biggest size of popcorn to share. Somehow three of the candy boxes wound up in Jaskier’s possession, but Geralt didn’t mind. He didn’t eat much sugar anyway.

They settled down in their seats. Jaskier kept busy with his phone, playing some game, while Geralt munched his way through the popcorn as he waited for the opening sequence. The credits flashed by, and the movie began in earnest.

He stopped chewing as the opening sequence hit like a train crash. Colors everywhere, cuts so quick that his senses hurt, movement and light and stretching and compression…The speakers thudded on, a double-forked attack on his eyes and ears. He closed his eyes for a count of ten, then opened them. It didn’t abate. He had to look down into his lap and cradled his head, filtering the input through the screen of his fingers. It was like watching a multicolored police car turned up to eleven. He silently wished for it to be over, trying to endure for Jaskier. Gods, please let it be over…

“Geralt? You okay?”

Geralt nodded into his lap. The speakers kept roaring, the lights kept flashing. He closed his eyes.

Even from behind his eyelids, it was too much.

“Bathroom,” he grunted, making a beeline for the exit.

*************************************************

Jaskier heard Geralt’s grunt and nodded. Maybe he’d just forgotten to pee beforehand. Happened to anybody. He picked up and shook Geralt’s soda. Still full. No matter. He’d come back in a few minutes.

Jaskier waited, eating the chocolate Geralt had given him with great enthusiasm, grinning ear to ear at the thrilling action and incredible pacing. The scene ended and he stopped snacking as he realized that Geralt had not come back. He stood up, muttering hasty apologies and trying not to linger in front of other moviegoers as he made for the exit, balancing the tub of extra-butter popcorn on his hip.

He did not see Geralt hanging out in the atrium, and his concern spiked. He stuffed his candies into his bag and entered the bathroom. It was decidedly deserted, save for one closed stall.

“Geralt?”

Geralt grunted.

“You okay?”

Grunt. He was definitely not okay.

“Why don’t we go back to the car?”

“Mmm.”

“ I brought the snacks out too. We can talk about it.”

“Hmm.”

“Come out when you’re ready. I’ll wait for you there, okay?”

He brought the snacks to the car and waited, watching the mirrors. The popcorn sat ignored on the passenger’s seat.

Geralt came meandering out, his shoulders slouched, wearing his dark sunglasses. He flinched a little as cars passed by. He took his preferred spot in the backseat and wrapped the thick, soft blanket they always kept there around his shoulders.

“Want to head home?”

Geralt stared at the car’s floorboard. Jaskier started the car, familiar enough with Geralt’s responses to know that heading home was the best thing they could do.

“Be home soon.”

Geralt scowled and slumped over in the back, covering his head with the blanket.

The ride home was silent.

*******************************************

Geralt poked his head out of the bedroom around dinner. Jaskier looked up from the peppers he was sautéing and smiled.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah.”

“Too overwhelming for you?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was going to be like that.” He slapped the spatula down on the counter. “They should really put better markings on that movie. Irresponsible. People who have sensory issues exist.”

“S’okay, Jas. I wanted to see it. I liked the first one.”

“I know, darling. But if it causes you that much discomfort, you don’t need to make excuses on why you left or didn’t like it. You never need to make excuses for me, okay?”

Geralt’s eyes roved over the countertop, avoiding Jaskier’s face. “Thanks for helping me out.”

“That’s what family’s for. ” He grabbed the pile of carrots and began to cut them. Geralt lingered behind him.

“Need help? I could...set the table," he said, his gaze trained on the little wood dining set that sat away from the stove.

Jaskier beamed at him. “Don't feel obligated, but I’d be delighted if you’d help. Thank you, Geralt, dear.”

#the witcher #geraskier #Geralt of Rivia has sensory overload #autistic adult #modern au #fanfic #photosensitivity

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autisticlee · 1 year

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almost every time I have met online friends irl, they stop talking to me either immediately after or very soon after, usually after increasingly acting weird or distant towards me. it makes me feel awful. and then i'm afraid to meet anyone irl again.

I feel so silly and stupid that I have a lowkey fear creeping below the surface about going to visit my friend and their gf this summer. what if they end up hating me 🙃 i've thought about mentioning it to my friend, but I don't want to make them feel bad about it!!!!!! it's not their fault I feel this gross fear. they didn't do anything to make it happen. they're super excited and always tell me about it!! i'm the one that is struggling to feel excited because i'm haunted by past experiences that will not stop repeating like i'm stuck in an endless loop of hell!!!!! 😭

I try to remind myself that thos friend also

I seem to give off this bad vibe irl that everyone except me notices and it makes people want to avoid me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it but I wish I could!!!! perhaps i'm just simply not likable 🥲 i've had people want to be roommates and act like best friends meet me irl and suddenly start avoiding me until they straight-up ghost me. I don't understand 😔

i'm very willing to work on myself....if I knew wtf was wrong with me!!!!! but I do not!!

I also fear it's something I can't change and it's something that's part of me, so I literally can't do anything unless I mask and become a fake person. but that's so uncomfortable and lonely in itself and feels pointless. what if it's just normal autism traits and people are assholes???? then I have no choice in the matter.

everyone tells me i'll ~find the right ones~ or whatever. befriend other autistic or ND people. but it never matters. they all end up the same in the end!!!!! fellow autistic and adhd people have hurt me MORE than NTs!!! do you know how many times I thought I did find "the right people," made them promise to not do what the last ones did, promise to respect my needs and boundaries, and promise to be honest and talk everything out, but then a little while down the way they do exactly the same shit they promised not to that everyone else did?!

when the same shit keeps happening over and over, at what point does it stop being "other people are the assholes" and become "im obviously the problem" ??????? i'll have people tell me it's not me that's the problem. it's other people. those same people will become "the other people" themselves. so is it REALLY them that's the problem, or am I too goddamn stupid to know what's wrong with me and what i'm doing wrong ?!

sometimes people will put a blame on me but not tell me why it's me. just a broad statement with no details that point fingers at me. "you're gaslighting me" (after opening up to a close friend group about a difficult thing I had just experienced and that was the response one gave and then completely ghosted with no explanation, leading to the whole group abandoning me)

sometimes people will complain about certain things I can't help. "you ruined my whole day!" (some girl telling me this, a few months later after kicking me out of a group. I needed help navigating nyc subway to the bus station because my phone GPS didn't work there and she said it was ok, she'd gladly help me. then yelled at me about it a while later when she got mad about something else, about how I ruined her day that time by making her help me and being a burden 🙃✌️)

sometimes someone will drop out basically mid conversion, get extremely distant, go from replying with novels to one word replies until not responding at all, then suddenly block me a year later after ignoring me. only to come at me with "you stopped caring about me and haven't messaged me in a year" despite our last messages being me saying I miss them, them saying they've been busy (despite having the time to talk to multiple other people and ppat their message screenshots online every day and be online all the time) and me responding telling them to message me when they aren't busy so we can chat again, but never getting a response!!) only for them to admit they muted me and didn't want to talk to me "for no reason" they literally said that to me lmao wtf. how is there "no reason"

sometimes it IS them that's the problem though. like one girl who accused me of liking her and sabotaged our whole friendship based on these baseless delusions she had. sje decided she was going to "choose" to be straight (she's bi) and decided i'm a "man" (I was trans masc and starting my transition at the time, but am actually nonbinary. it was just required to be trans masc where I live to get treatment. nb people aren't allowed) and she decided guys and girls can't ever be "just friends" she even got very upset at me when I told her she's wrong and not even my type and i'm asexual/probably aromantic. she claims I ~knew saying that would hurt her~ because she apparently told me that kind of thing hurts her before. I did not know this, she never told me this. that's also a weird thing to think/say??? saying it upsets you that someone ISNT attracted to you but also being upset and ruining the friendship if they are??? what the fuck lmao. goofy behavior. I thought she'd be delighted to hear she was wrong about that but nope. she wanted to feel good that someone liked her even if it cost the friendship. haha weird 🙃 she also talked shit about me being autistic at one point lol. fellow ND being a ND hater. sue was all kinds of messed up, but at least I knew it was for sure her that was the problem and not me this one time. but she wasted so much of my time and energy that I can't get back.

it's not always clear why people do what they do, and it drives me insane until I can figure it out. most of the time I cannot. so I go on knowing i'll unknowingly fuck everything up yet again. it feels guaranteed.

I just want a stable and comfortable friendship that's close and secure. one I know will last. one where I can relax and enjoy the time with the other person and not have to be hyperaware of every little detail and look out for potential patterns I recognize that every friendship seems to fall into just like the last, that will lead to the same shit. then force me to have to try harder to save the friendship before it gets worse!!!! but trying seems to make it worse somehow. I don't fuckijg know.

I AM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE. i've reached the point where I don't have the energy or willpower to try getting closer with anyone and have to sit here feeling lonely and disconnected from everyone. I don't feel like I have even one single person I can trust or rely on. not one. if I go to anyone, i'll just burden and annoy them. they can say I won't all the want, but that's always a lie. always. last time I trusted a group wo told me that, I got told I was gaslighting them. not told why or how. but apparently losing a thing important to me and confiding in my closest friends about it is "gaslighting" now and is justification to cancel me from our group trip and then not invite me back into the group chat when I switch accounts LOL.

after that shit, I just cannot. I genuinely thought that were "THE ONES" you know, those mythical "the right people" i'm alwaus being told about thar apparently exist. but every time I find them, I am wrong. so I have no fucking clue what to even look for. they seemed so good at first!!!! how do I find better???? and how do I not fuck it up wven thought I can't figure out what the FUCK I did wrong by sharing a very deep, personal, important thing with my closet trusted friends?!

if "the right people" can't even accept me then wtf am I supposed to do??? I feel like I either deserve this, not having friends or anyone to rely on, or I just have to accept that i'll always be alone. maybe I can have little casual surface friendships....but I'll never have anything deeper and closer. i'll never have the type of thing I feel I need that's hard to explain. maybe it's just the trust of knowing something will last and is stable. i've never had that. i've been walking on egg shells my whole life around everyone. and its so uncomfortable and sucks. it makes me feel so goddamn lonely. especially when I see everyone else has their person or people.

and don't get me wrong, i'm fine with being alone by myself. if I lock myself up and don't see or pay attention to others, i'm perfectly fine and don't feel lonely. it's as soon as I see other people being together, and ESPECIALLY when i'm woth other people that I feel this deep and painful sad/loneliness that doesn't go away until i'm away from people for a while again. but even of i'm enjoying my alone time, there's often things I want to do that require others, so I can't do them and it makes me feel bad. my old therapist telling me last time I was avoiding people due to (unknown at the time) autistic burnout, that we are a social species and require interaction with other people, so I NEED to make friends and interact with others always echos in my mind. I wish I DIDNT need others and can lock myself up alone forever. that feel less painful than trying to be with others. seeing and being with others makes me feel awful and alone. being literally alone feels comfortable and not lonely, most of the time. as long as I have a single-person hyperfocus to occupy my entire existence with.

but despite feeling like this, the burnout I hit from losing several important things to me at once about a couple years ago and my friend group ditching me when I needed them most is debilitating and still going strong. I feel like this is my new permanent state of being. I don't have the energy to put any effort into friendhips. if they don't maintain themsleves or the other person doesn't put in most of the effort, I WILL let it die and act like I don't give a fuck (I do, I just don't have the power to stop it). it's all on the other person's shoulders to carry the friendship the way I carried all the ones in my past. it's my turn to be the unresponsive friend who doesn't put in effort and responds with one word. not because I secretly hate the person/friendhipz but because i'm perpetually burnt out and literally can't do much anymore. I just can't.

that doesnt mean I can't keep complaining about how lonely and disconnected I feel!!! just because i'm not trying to fix it doesn't mean my feelings are invalid! "just keep trying" only works for people who have the ability to try. my ability was destroyed and am now unable. I would need a miracle of a person who puts in enough effort and genuinely cares enough about me to nurse me out of burnout hell to the point where I can put full trust and faith into them and call them my best friend.

but I doubt that will happen. I won't believe it until I see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being "positive" and hoping for the best keeps biting me in the ass and makes the fall hurt even more. I do not have the spoons and willpower and energy for that again i'm sorry 😭

wow this was a long ramble. it's taken me 2 hours to write this. I just wrote exactly what my brain was saying and rambled off topic. this was originally supposed to be about how, while I want to be excited to visit my friend and their gf, it's really hard to because all my past experiences make FEAR lurk around every corner.

I expressed an anxiety to my friend about the trip but only said it was about going to the airport and flying for the first time ever. and alone at that. if I tell them about this little hell demon on my shoulder, it may upset them. they're always telling me how they're so excited and I can't ruin that!!!! the more excited they are, the more comfortable/less worried I feel i'm allowed to be about it??? I NEED that energy personally. and I want them to keep that for themsleves as well. especially when it's not that I don't trust THEM. I don't trust myself. I could do any number of things wrong and make a good, fun, exciting trip go bad, or create a bad after-effect that makes it all slowly break down after. my friend expressed even wanting me to move in with them and their gf. be roommates. where have I heard that one before lmao. multiple other times before a seemingly good friendship gets destroyed for unknown reasons 😭

I hate that my brain has to live this way thanks to past traumas. cptsd mixed with autism/adhd is literally hell. but when you basically never know if you're the one fucking everything up accidentally, are afraid to hurt someone important again, don't know what a real/healthy friendhip is meant to look like due to never experiencing one, and don't have the energy to deal with this shit anymore, it's impossible to make your brain chill the fuck out.

there is a chance everything will go well and nothing will change. there is a smaller chance things will even improve. I can only hope, even if I know hoping for things ends up hurting more.

"what's the worst that can happen" i'm always asked, as if the person asking thinks nothing bad can happen. imagine being very far away from home and your trusted best friend you're there with betrays and hurts you for who knows what stupid reason, and you're stranded there, alone and upset, with no one around you who cares or wants to help or comfort you. you're treated like a burden and have no one to turn to. you're trapped and alone, surrounded by strangers in a big scary city. your whole world and everything you knew is falling apart in your hands as you try desperately to patch it badk together, but your once trusted person is purposely pulling out the seams. your supposed-to-be-happy experience is forever tainted and ruined. you get blamed for it all when you're confused and lost as to what even happened! it takes years to put the pieces together and come to a conclusion about what and why it happened. but that experience left deep scars that affect everything that comes after.

I don't want want that to happen again lmao. I cant make my brain not have intrusive flashbacks when faced with a similar scenario. it's literally how trauma works.

i've heard you can heal from trauma. but is that possible when the trauma wound constantly gets reopen every time it even starts to heal? if the same shit that caused you trauma keeps happening over and over and over and over....things replying in your head end up repeating themelves despire your best efforts to go a different direction....how do you heal? how do you convince your brain to not feel like this and think these things when it feels like reality rather than a worry since these things have happened literally 100% of the time!

that's the problem. you can't heal a flesh wound by rubbing dirt and shit and sharp objects on it all the time. I feel like the only way to heal is to be able to have someone I can actually trust and reply on. someone who proves to me that they won't become another source of trauma. the wond needs a clean and stable environment to heal in.

but i'm broken. i'm annoying. i'm incredibly boring and have no personality. my interests are few and very weird. i'm not likable to most people or for very long and do and say the wrong things all the time. etc etc. *throws pity party or whatever that's actually based on facts probably because no one proved them wrong yet and idk the real reason so i'm simply guessing* so how am I supposed to make a person do this lmao since you can't force people to like you and be a good friend. I also can't force myself to like people so the person needs to be someone *I* like and feel comfortable and connected with as well. hitting two birds with one stone is.....not easy. especially when you're as clumsy and uncoordinated as me.

hopefully my trip goes well. hopefully a miracle happens and we get closer. but I can't rely on it. I can't even think about it. I keep making myself focus on other things and nkt think. but sometimes something reminds me and then this now THREE HOUR long rant happens. 😭✌️

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #lee rambles #adhd #neurodivergent #audhd #cptsd #trauma #friendship problems #autism things #autism rambles #my wrists hurt from typing. i wonder how mamy typos i made but i dont feel like proofreading #why do i type do slow. how did this take 3 whole hours #also why cant things go right lmao i hope it can for once #i dont want people’s pity. i want a real friend who can make my rsd and cptsd not trigger constantly #rsd #thats a thing i forgot to mention in my rant but is relevant too

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brokenbones-tellstories · 1 year

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I’m getting sad again. I don’t know if its the SAD or purely circumstantial, but I’m sad. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past several days thinking about a lot of things I’ve tried very hard to put to rest and I simply can’t. I’ve been cursed with this thing about me that makes everyone fall in love with me and as self centered or pompous or whatever you wanna call it that it sounds, it’s true. Ever since I graduated high school it’s been this constant thing that’s followed me around and I can’t shake it and it’s happening again. I swore I’d take it to my grave so I won’t go into details and give it away, even here, but it’s a thing and I don’t know what Im supposed to do with it. I’m not mad at the person for it happening, not even close. I just wish I could be different. Not as....not whatever it is. Likeable, kind, patient, empathetic, understanding...something, anything, whatever it may be. How do I explain that its this very personality that’s gotten me where I am? That someone fell so hopelessly in love with me that it near destroyed both of our lives for years on end and just when I thought I had learned my lesson, my best friend went and fell in love with me too. Since then he’s quite literally told me on more than one occasion that he wishes he never had met me and his life was better off without me in it. We barely talk about anything these days and whenever I find the courage to try and share anything with him I think he would like, I either get a simple “okay?’ back or ignored entirely. I knew from day one that no matter what I did or how hard I tried nothing would ever work out between us. It wasn’t through any fault of our own, we’re just two very different people and life has made us volatile in ways that would never be compatible. We’ve hurt each other in near unforgivable ways with our wayward feelings and there’s a lack of patience and a disrespect that cannot go ignored. We are each others worst nightmares relationally and yet the best of friends at the same time. And still I love him I love him I love him. It’s a constant never ending thought and everything, every. single. fucking. thing. goes back to him. How we were in the city together every single time I was up there whether we even knew it or not. How our paths almost crossed before we even knew the other existed. How the very first conversation we had about a new show coming to broadway was the same one we watched the final performance of, together, four years later. He, my endlessly frustrating, infuriating best friend who hates the very ground I walk on and still would come back to me, no questions asked, if I ever allowed him the chance. A

nd then there’s the rest of everything. My best friend dipped out of my life without a word spoken and even after a year and I half I still don’t have an explanation from her. We’ve spoken cordially since, but when I threw out the olive branch asking for lunch or dinner, hoping for a chance to talk, she said no. The anger comes and goes like the seasons. I don’t always feel good enough to be her friend and I often wonder if it’s my own insecurities getting in the way, or if its my new found self respect telling me that I deserve better. Whatever the case may be, I miss her more than anything. I wonder who her daughter is growing to be. I want to ask her what happened with her ex. I want to know if she’s okay. I wanted her to meet my son and to be happy I’m happy. To breathe that sigh of relief with me when I realized I was happy and okay and I had survived the single worst year of my life. She was supposed to be there forever. The champion of all my insane ideas and my adventure buddy. That girl would’ve gone anywhere with me until she didn’t.

Then there’s the world itself. Our crumbling economy and inflation that’s gotten so out of hand we’re barely keeping afloat. I can’t even afford to put lights on the christmas tree that was gifted to us this year. It’s my sons first christmas and I cant buy him the things I want to. The tags on my car are years out of date and I have an outstanding ticket from it that if I Got pulled over again I’d be arrested. My license is expired and I can’t renew it without paying for the car which means I can’t fly to chicago for my best friends wedding next fall. I don’t have enough money to pay my bills each month as it is. How can I save hundreds of dollars for the car and a license. And why the fuck was I so stupid two years ago and let it go ignored? I was only out of work for three weeks. I could very well have handled it then and I didn’t. I’m 27 years old and I’ve amounted to nothing I wanted to. I work part time in a coffee shop and I don’t know anything different. If I work full time, all my extra money would go to childcare and negate the entire point of working more. I Literally can’t win for losing. I dropped out of college twice because of finances and an inability to cope with life. I want to go back so bad it hurts. I want to be the first, and likely only one of us siblings to obtain a degree. I want to do it for myself. For my son. I need to. I need to accomplish this thing to know it can be done. I need to check it off my bucket list if only for spite because there was a time I didn’t think i’d even live to get my diploma....why stop there? The ultimate fuck you is a life lived and lived well. I’m just tired and tired of everything and I hate that I can’t stop thinking even for a second.

Make it fcking stop.

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b1mbodoll · 7 months

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gabi oh my god im so sorry about these rude anons 🥺 ur literally the sweetest and most precious person on this app and for people to call you "childish" and "weird" is crazy knowing how much you care about your anons and for some of them to take advantage of talking shit on anon is crazy.

they're points are trash, they dont have one valid reason to hate on you. they're just miserable and they shouldnt be on your profile in the first place if all they're going to do is spread negativity!!! all you do is spread positivity on your account. you literally are one of the most appreciative, kind, and heartwarming people on this app. you create a safe place for everyone who follows you and others too!!!

im so glad we're mooties n im so sorry that people are being so bitter to you baby :( you are literally so nice and not to mention such a good writer?? you make everything so detailed n interesting, you're amazing at what you do. if they dont like what you write, they literally dont have to read it..? its not that hard to not be a fucking bitch, honestly. some people are just cunts n need to realize the whole world doesnt revolve around them n they're big ass head </3

you dont deserve the hate you're receiving and i hope people will realize that just because they're miserable doesnt mean they need to be such bitch and talk shit on anon. like are you that much of a pussy you cant even send a message off anon on an APP? a PHONE. they act as if you can jump through the screen and attack them or some shit like people as such pussies its so funny to me 😭

you're literally just a silly little girl gabi, im so sorry. i promise you can always talk to me if you want or need to!! yk my dms are always open my love, take care :( <3

— lei 🫐 (sorry for the long msg bb!!)

lei my baby <3 i held onto this for a lil bc im so overwhelmed by how sweet you are :( my little ray of sunshine <3 i wish i could explain how much u and ur kind words mean to me :( but pls know i will forever hold this and every other message u have sent me, near and dear to my heart!!!!

ur so right !!!! i find it so dumb that people come onto my blog to spread negativity and hateful messages 😠 like how awful do you have to be to go around bothering people with a reason >:(

thank you so so so much for all the sweet compliments T_T im so emotional ur srsly too lovely <3 and i’m extremely happy you ‘nd others view my blog as a safe place !!! i always want people to feel welcome and cared for so i do my best to offer that ♡

i’m also glad we are not only mutuals but friends as well! we havent spoken for long but u already mean so much to me n i hope we are friends for a long time, baby <3 n thank u for the compliments abt my writing T_T its hard not to doubt myself and my writing but it gets a lil easier to stop when sweeties like u send such heartwarming messages like this 💌💌 mwah

it really isnt hard to be nice!!!!! or jusy block someone you dont like!!! i dont understand why its hard for them to get that through their thick skulls -_-

the use of anon when sending hate rllllly gets under my skin -_- like why are you afraid to own up to your mean and awful messages!!!!! why are you afraid to show me ur blog??? bc i can finally blog you if you do??? agh i will nvr understand meanies -_-

i am just a silly lil girl ur so right, my baby!!!!! i will keep this in mind ‘nd i hope u know ‘m always here for u as well! im here for whatever u need or to listen to whatever u wna talk abt, i promise <3 and pls dont apologize for sendin long msgs 😠😠 i truly appreciate it so much n it means the world to me that ur takin time out of ur day to be such a sweetheart to lil ol me ☹️ mwah mwah mwah i adore u

#♡.signed. sealed. delivered.#♡.sweetheart: 🫐

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flimsy-roost · 11 months

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ND Diary

[[[VENT INCOMING]]]

[[[DISCUSSIONS OF WEIGHT/WEIGHT LOSS, EATING, AND DIETICIAN JARGON]]]

[[[NBD JUST SCROLL ON PAST IF NOT YOUR THING NBD]]]

had an intro meeting with a dietician yesterday, and it was weird in a lot of ways, but in two particular ways I can't unstick from my head so this is my attempt to peel them off.

.1) neurotypical bias, aka come meet me where I am

backing up slightly for context. the process of finding a medical professional as an autistic person is a minefield. if you google the keywords "dietician neurodiversity," all the top results are akin to PARENTS CLICK HERE TO ALLEVIATE (CURE?????) YOUR CHILD'S AUTISM THROUGH SPECIFIC DIET!!!!1!!!! so I usually have to haphazardly suss out the vibes, be as up front as I comfortably can, and then roll the dice.

I was cautiously optimistic about this place because the intake girl seemed chill. at one point in that scheduling call, I mentioned that intuitive eating wont work for me because I have really weak interoception, which applies to hunger cues. she basically said oh yeah that shouldn't be a problem, I've recovered from an ED so I have similar issues, we meet people where they are so eating on a schedule or in a more prescriptive way is definitely something we can help with.

so imagine my awe shock and horror when the very first thing the RDN suggests (halfway through an already stumbly awkward zoom call) is to basically start keeping a feelings diary, to try and "nail down" subtler hunger cues.

in the moment, it felt like she was trying to funnel me into intuitive eating; the thing I specifically said does not work for me, and forthewhich reason I'm even seeing a professional in the first place. I did look it up, and developing this sense can also help with making more intentional decisions about what you eat (ie, am I so hungry that I need a whole sandwich, or will a smaller snack suffice?), but the thing is that I also do not have issues with this kind of intentionality day-to-day.

I don't doubt that with a large amount of concerted effort, I could gradually develop a halfway-sufficient understanding of hunger-related interoception. but is that really the best use of my time, energy, and brainspace?

digression, but this reminds me of my old roommate's girlfriend, who I was interacting with regularly the last time I made a concerted effort to get in shape. I have shitty knees from a teenage injury, and was basically told by the physical therapist at the time that I shouldn't develop an interest in running unless I want to also be back in PT on a regular basis. my roommate's gf lived, ate, and breathed running, I think she was training for a half marathon when I knew her, and could not conceive of the fact that her favorite thing ever wasn't going to work for me. she kept interpreting my saying "I can't" as "I won't." and sure, she had a wisp of a point; if I found a good PT with regular availability, and found the right shoes, and figured out the right routes and schedule and time frames and timing to do it, I might have been able to be a runner. OR, I could just go to a gym and sit on a no-impact spin bike for half an hour every day. that second thing achieves similar results and takes up a lot less time, energy, and brainspace.

the insistence on developing interoception is giving similar vibes. sure, I could set a reminder every two hours to write down any bodily sensations that might conceivably be related to hunger, for the next several weeks, to see if there's a pattern and satisfy your preference to be "open to experimentation." OR I could use that same reminder-setting system to remind me to eat on a sustainable schedule. you gonna help me figure out that schedule or not?

2) don't say the "w" word

I really really wish there was something in between the hyperintense calorie/macro tracking "calories in, calories out" medicalizing approach to weight loss, and weight neutrality. the former was not good for me in ways I won't expand upon, and the latter is kind of... fluffy?

look, I'm not going to lie to you and say that there aren't some minor vanity aspects at play in my wanting to lose weight (eg. I want to cut my hair short, but I don't think it would look cute on me right now), but the main two reasons I'm looking to do this are for simplicity and mobility.

simplicity: the world we live in either ignores or pathologizes fat bodies. this is a problem, and I'm genuinely glad it's being talked about and is changing incrementally. but I'm barely keeping up with the basic demands of existing that everyone has to deal with, and the added complications of navigating the world as a fat person means that the scope of things I can reliably participate in is incredibly small. my overall environment is already unsuitable for a neurodivergent person, so I devote a lot of effort to trying to reduce environmental hostility inflicted upon me in ways I can actually effect, in this case my size.

the second weird thing sticking in my brain concerns the second reason, mobility.

as mentioned above, I have shit knees. in the years since the initial knee enshittification, my weight has fluctuated within a 90lb range. while knee muscle strength definitely plays a role, I can say with certainty, from firsthand experience, that 75% of what determines how much my knees are bothering me at any given point in my life is my numerical weight. this is a neutral statement. this is physics; a larger mass will exert greater gravitational force on a hinge. the best ways to mediate this force are to strengthen the hinge (which I am also working on) and to reduce the mass.

the dietician I saw, operating with weight neutral language and training, denied that my weight has an impact on my knees and mobility. or not exactly denied it, but denied that that's a thing that we could say.

come on.

this is an extra layer of narration and storytelling that I do not find helpful. I'm fully on board with the general gist of weight neutrality. it's bullshit that fatphobic medical professionals will ignore their patient's medical concerns because they're fat, and insist that they can only do their fucking jobs on demographics within a certain BMI range. the default fat=bad thin=good needs to be replaced with all=neutral. I get that, I agree with that, I'm on that page with you. but this degree of "do not speak the name of the fey, lest you invite them into your home to trick you" obfuscates any helpful advice when weight is genuinely and measurably at least part of the problem.

I wish there was a widespread way that incorporated the amoralistic ethos of weight neutrality into adaptive problem solving. kind of like an informed consent system. like a "what do you want, why do you want it, how do you want to do it, how can I help" sort of thing. I don't appreciate being told how I'm supposed to feel about something, when my baseline feelings about it are already pretty neutral. if you're unwilling to accept that my weight may exacerbate my mobility issues and that this is a valid impetus for weight loss, then why the fuck am I even here talking to the diet and weight loss specialist

#eating #diet #weight loss #weight #actually autistic #nd #samble rambles #nd diary

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baddiewiththesaddies · 2 years

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Dear diary

this will be the way i get my voice heard... shit even just to purge these thoughts from my mind..... with all the hatred i have in my heart its easy to get blinded by the darkness... the more i try to fight it the worse it gets.. honestly i just wan to disappear not really die but like if could be erased off this earth like i never existed so i dont hurt anyone by leaving..... bc ik my death will effect some and i cant stand the thought of them hurting bc i cant take my brain and life. my mouth gets the best of me sometimes.. but all im left with is speach so i say things i dont mean.. that comes from not wanting to self harm or hurt anyone around me... not that i have hurt anyone but for some reason im seen as this violent person. when reeally im hurt tired nd fed up. i hurt myself before id hurt another person.... been down that road and im not doing it again. so i say things aggressively that i dont mean.... i talk outta my ass to try and get this energy outta my body so i dont harm myself ...... and see at that im trying to deprogram my brain from fight or flight yk....survival mode... i wish i could just make all that trauma go away as fast as i got it. i try to find spiritual reason but i am still left with why... why is it me that has to break generational curses....why is getting help so complex... no i dont want to sit for hrs and be questioned 100000000x about the same shit over and over for them to tell what ik already.. i promise i wouldnt make up being this tormented by my own mind. no i dont just want drug. I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL..whatever that may be i really just want to know what it likes to wake up calm no night Terros.... no ugly thoughts in my head.. i just want to not have this anger and these burdens that were given to me by ny parents by ex lovers and ex friends... ppl romanticize metal illness like its a designer bag. like its some type of limited edition collectable. but in reality its hell in hell... this world is hard enough to naviagte thru without being at war with yoursef constanly.... i fight to have patients to have to fight to be heard i fight the voice of trauma tell me to destroy without a thought of consequence. i fight the feeling of being that doormat of a person i used to be. i suppose im now talking in circles.... so ill end todays entry here... and although rn you dont feel it we will be at peace. till then remember the pyramids werent built in one day. Rome wasnt built over night and overcoming trauma wont happen over night so plz be kind to us....

sincerely

your heart and brain </3

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undertale-data · 3 years

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[Image Description: an Undertale chat box with the name "PAPYRUS", in all caps and Papyrus font, in its center. On its left is a talksprite of Papyrus sweating anxiously, and on its right is a talksprite of Papyrus wearing sunglasses. End I.D.]

The Great Papyrus is the most popular Undertale character among the fans surveyed here. 19.6% of responders chose him as their favorite. That’s a total of 519 fans! (Wowie!!)

Not all Papyrus fans are unified on his characterization, however. The most obvious divide was between fans who call him a “cinnamon roll” or “precious baby,” and those who find these takes infantilizing. A lot of people like the friendliness and optimism of this character, while others recognize this but highlight his maturity too. Fans who worry about his infantilization seem most concerned with how he can be portrayed as naive or dumb by the fandom. A portion of fans specifically mentioned this naivety as a point in his favor, though the marginally more popular take seems to be that he is not naive, regardless of how he first appears. This fandom divide seems to relate to Papyrus’s autistic or ADHD coding. Many fans relate to him as ADHD and autistic themselves.

Fans also related to him in his desire for friends. Many responders think of him as a friend and a comfort character, so at least in one way his wish has been fulfilled.

The phone calls were a major reason that fans said they felt connected to Papyrus. Thanks to these calls, he has the most dialogue of any character in the game. His humor and dialogue were often highlighted as favorite qualities.

While fans may disagree on some aspects of Papyrus’s personality, it is clear that his fans all value his optimism and kindness. His fans do not see his kindness as weakness. Many talked about the complexity of his character and the strength it took for him to show mercy to the player character, even when the player doesn’t show it in return. He believes in himself, and he believes in you! This kindness and trust has inspired his fans to be kinder themselves.

Papyrus fans were also drawn to his mysteriousness. Several responses pointed out that he is a more mysterious character than Sans, who is also often loved for his mystery. As shown in the phone calls, Papyrus will put on fronts depending on who he is around, making it even more difficult for fans to uncover his secrets. Some people in other sections of the survey found this frustrating, but Papyrus fans tend to see it as another point in his favor.

Among the greatest proportion of responses were from fans who couldn’t choose a favorite trait, or who just love everything about Papyrus. While these responses may be less lengthy, they are still as full of love as the essay-length answers. These responses tended to say phrases like “cool dude” or “Papyrus my beloved” or “THE GREAT PAPYRUS.”

(You were overcome by writing about such a handsome skeleton. He understands.)

Highlights: (under the cut)

Honestly Papyrus just feels like joy. Funny, incredibly kind, with a few mysteries/weird quirks about him that are fun to ponder over. I especially love how he often acts proud and self aggrandizing without putting others down, and in fact sometimes uses that to lift his friends up alongside him. You don't see this take on proud characters often.

Papyrus is strong. Strong in body, but also morally strong. He knows what is right, what it means to be merciful and kind, even in the face of danger or death. Some think him naive. And yet, even facing death and seeing the dust of those he knew, he did not falter or turn from his ideals of mercy and change for the better.

BECAUSE HE IS THE GREAT PAPYRUS

His optimism and his overall personality is endearing! You're always having fun with him :D

He's meeting all of my standards.

Papyrus is very under appreciated, and overlooked, and it's very frustrating to me—he's a complex character but people treat him like he's a baby!!! I like him because he's kind of goofy with how he talks and he's just very charming and kind.

He's weirder than Sans, and it wasn't acknowledged for years because he acts oblivious and dumb, even when he's clearly not. Quite frankly, I find it iconic. Also, his entire personality helps a lot.

I'm ND, trans, and projecting!

OK SO he's just a friendly guy!! A dude who likes cooking for his friends!! We love a hype man!! Also smart as hell and I feel like fanon majorly overlooks this. Making good, fun puzzles is HARD and setting up a flamethrower to go off wirelessly is complicated. Like even if that bridge puzzle didn't go off the components were complicated. Love that cool dude!!!!

I heavily relate to Papyrus as a character and consider him my favorite fictional character of all time. He is a very well-written and thought out character with several quirks and layers in his personality. It is headcanoned by some (myself included) that Papyrus may possibly be on the Autism Spectrum due to his nature, his interactions with others, and overall how he displays himself to the world we see.

I could talk about Papyrus forever, and you have made a grave mistake in allowing me to do so. He is a charming, strong spirited, well intentioned, complex character that is often wildly misinterpreted, and I think originally this is why I was drawn to him. He is presented as one thing and in fact acts as one thing (though not the same way as presented by fandom), and in reality when you look closer than you are meant to he is not, in fact, any of these things. It was intriguing to me. Secondly, and rather contradictorily, another thing that drew me to him is that he is very true to himself, when it comes to idiosyncrasies and moral values. It's true that he does not offer much in the way of personal backstory and feelings, but he offers very much indeed in the way of personality. What a guy! He wears silly crop tops and bright colors, he speaks in a manner specific to him that sometimes doesn't make sense, he cares about something or someone and goes whole hog with it -- he's passionate, damn it! I love him and his weirdo, goofy self with all my heart. He cares about other people to a fault, too. He would sacrifice everything to help someone, and his belief in the potential of both others and himself is indomitable. When faced with the responsibility of a kingdom, his friends gone, his brother lying to him, and himself all alone without a reliable support system, he recognized what he was facing and still bucked up and became determined to get through it. When faced with a murderous, over powerful enemy, someone who had killed many of his friends and fellow monsters, someone who had repeatedly been rude and borderline aggressive and showed no signs of stopping, he saw that they were having difficulty and offered to help and to care for them, and didn't regret his decision or change his opinion on what they needed and their potential for change, even when quite literally killed by them a moment after. Even in death, even directly after a betrayal like that, he never stops believing that they can get better, that anyone can be a good person if they want to be. That's important, I think; that concept of giving people the chances they need to grow and to change. I have a tattoo of that moment on my thigh, it's that important to me. I guess I really like Papyrus because even though he is fictional, watching him out there makes it easy to believe in people, in our inherent goodness and desire to love each other. He makes it easy to see that we can change, that no matter what you've done in the past or who you currently are, no one is inherently a bad person, and no one is incapable of learning how to be a good one. It is just a step by step process that we have to take day by day.

[Image Description: A wordcloud shaped like Papyrus. His gloves, boots, and cape are red; his Battle Body is blue, yellow, and white; and his bones are white. Some of the most visible words are: Kind, Love, Good, Cool, Relate, Funny, Friend, Mystery, and Papyrus. These are the words that responders mentioned most in their essays about him. End I.D.]

Read the full list of responses shared with permission by clicking this link! (The document is 25 pages long, so you may want to make a copy to prevent lagging.)

#papyrus #character analysis #undertale #undertale fandom census #results

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theycallme-thejackal · 2 years

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500 “Don’t be an asshole. Asshole.”

(this is way over 500 but I don’t care)

Pairing: Lenny Bruce & Midge Maisel Rated T

Part 1 | Part 2

"And she's just...so infuriating," Lenny slurs, downing the last of his (sixth? seventh?) whiskey of the night. "She's ssso smart and talented and beautiful, but she pisses me off sometimes, an’ I jus'..."

His companion, who seems just as drunk, nods. "I know what you mean. The good ones, they - " He hiccups, pointing at Lenny. "They drive you up a fuckinnnng wall."

"Exac'ly!" Lenny shouts, swatting the guy (Josh? James?), causing him to nearly topple off his stool. They both laugh as he manages to hang onto the bar. "I love her, man, 'nd I fuckin' blew it."

Joe(?) bobs his head in understanding. "I know th' feeling, Lennyyy," he slurs, finishing off his own drink before his face lights up. "I know who can fix it!"

Fix what? Lenny wonders as he watches the guy stumble to his feet, grabbing some bills out of his wallet - enough to pay for both their drinks.

"C'mon!" He lightly punches the comic's arm and heads for the sidewalk, stumbling as he hails a cab. "C'mon, Lenny Brrruce," he says, climbing in.

He doesn't know why - probably because Jack(?) paid for his booze - but he slides in, and the cabbie drives them away from the bar.

Twenty minutes later, he's being dragged into a vaguely familiar building and up an elevator, wondering why this place looks so familiar.

And then she opens the door, and it's the weirdest, most awkward thing he's experienced in his miserable life because suddenly he remembers the guy's name is Joel and he's just dragged Lenny to see the very person Lenny just spent two hours drinking about.

She looks perfect as usual.

"Midge!" Joel stumbles in the doorway, grabbing his ex-wife's shoulders. "Your friend Lenny Bruce is having some lady troubles, and I thhhought of youuu!" He garbles excitedly before stumbling past her and landing on the couch face first.

Lenny wishes he could fall face first into a hole in the ground, get him out of this supremely uncomfortable moment because the woman he's in love with is standing in front of him, and he's suddenly feeling way too sober.

"Joel, go home," Midge calls after him, tugging Lenny by the arm into the apartment and closing the door.

Joel stays silent except for light snoring. Midge rolls her eyes and turns to Lenny. "You got my ex-husband drunk tonight?" She asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"Well, to be fair, he paid so technically he got me drunk tonight," Lenny counters.

"Ah," she breathes with a nod before heading toward the kitchen. Lenny follows. She pulls a container out of the fridge, setting it on the table. "Eat," she tells him, handing him a fork as she sits at the table.

He joins her, sitting and taking a bite of the brisket. Even cold it's incredible. "Holy fuck, Midge," he mumbles through a mouthful.

"So," she says, picking at the food herself. "Lady troubles?"

He laughs without humor, picking some more at the food. "Yeah, that Rita Hayworth's got me really worked up," he jokes.

"Don't be an asshole, asshole," she retorts mildly, making him laugh for real this time. He looks at her. "So you were talking to my ex-husband about me?"

He swallows another delicious bite of the brisket before stabbing a carrot. "To be fair, I didn't know he was your ex-husband until about two minutes ago," he grumbles.

"So you were talking to a random stranger about me," she amends.

"I never said your name," he defends. "Your sparkly reputation is still intact."

She chews thoughtfully, and he feels her watching him as he pokes around the dish for another carrot. “You gonna tell me what you said?” She asks as he finds one to stab, getting a piece of meat on the fork as well.

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

Lenny smirks. “Honey, I’ve already seen yours,” he teases, eyes flicking down her body and back up to her eyes. “And as lovely as it is, I would like to retain some semblance of my pride and keep my wallowing to myself.”

“I’ve missed you,” she admits after a long moment, and he stills his fork in the container. “It’s been months, Lenny. I’ve been working and doing really well, and I haven’t seen you at all.”

“Well there are a, uh, few reasons for that,” he explains.

“I was worried...I’ll settle for one,” she compromises.

He sighs, setting down the fork and leaning back in his chair. “Rehab.”

Her face softens as she watches him. “Lenny...”

“Don’t make a thing of it,” he waves his hands. “I told you I don’t want to be pitied or fixed - ”

“ - and I told you I didn’t want to fix you - ”

“ - I did it because...” He groans, reaching for the fork again and stabbing at the meat aggressively. “I did it because you seeing it ruined one of the greatest nights of my miserable life, and I didn’t want it to have the power to do it again.”

She says nothing then. The silence that falls over them is irritating, and he takes another bite before dropping his fork with a clatter.

He’s surprised when she stands, moving to sit in his lap as he swallows. Her arm wraps around his shoulders, and his hand naturally moves to rest on her knee. “I’m proud of you, Lenny,” she tells him, kissing his cheek.

His instinct is to brush it off, go for the joke, but instead he just nods. “Thank you.”

She stays in his lap, and for a while longer they trade bites of her brisket and chat quietly, and she kisses him a couple of times. It’s all domestic and lovely, and he feels happy for the first time in months.

When she takes his hand, leading him to her room, he chuckles to himself. “What?” She asks.

He shakes his head. “Remind me to send Joel a thank you note.”

She laughs, pulling him into the bedroom and closing the door.

#midgelenny #midge x lenny #midgexlenny #tmmm fanfic #marvelous mrs. maisel fanfic #writing prompt #otp: more important than god #jackal fics #answers #this is utterly ridiculous but i had fun writing it #light angst #sweet #comfort

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kpostedsum · 3 years

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why not me? ; F.W

fred weasley x reader, fred x angelina

summary: you see the way fred looks at angelina

song: washing machine heart - mitski

a/n: a quick thing i wrote at 2am, not angelina slander!! also unedited nd not proofread bc yolo, y/n pov i fink..

masterlist | taglist

Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart

Baby, bang it up inside

you weren’t stupid, you saw the way your boyfriend stared at her you couldn’t blame him though, she was everything. The way her dark skin glowed in the sunlight, how she’d often have a new hairstyle every few weeks; whether it was braids, locs, or even her natural hair, she was effortless pretty.

I'm not wearing my usual lipstick

I thought maybe we would kiss tonight

the gryffindors had won their quidditch game today against the ravenclaws so of course, you had to be there to celebrate your boyfriends win. you decided to dress up a bit more today in hopes of catching fred’s attention.

putting on a nice dress and doing your makeup a bit differently you’re sure you’ll catch fred’s attention tonight.

“there she is!” you heard george yell over the music from the other side of the common room, you quickly saunter over to him and embrace him in a hug.

“hi george, congrats on the win tonight” you smile. “do you happen to know where fred is, i haven’t seen him yet?” you say while scanning the common room looking for the other red headed twin who you adore so much.

“your best chance to find him is with angelina, wherever she is he is” he gives you a sad smile and walks away.

it was stupid if you to think you could dress up and all of a sudden fred would pay attention to you, it’s been going on for a while. Whether it was him staying extra late at quidditch practice to go over stuff with angelina, studying divination with her or just hanging out.

wherever she was his eyes were on her, he used to look at you like that.

but not anymore.

Baby will you kiss me already and

Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart

Baby, bang it up inside

there he was in the corner of the room w angelina, both sharing a laugh and a drink.

what does she have that you don’t?

they’re both so close to eachother enjoying their time, you and fred used to look like that as well. not wanting to disrupt their time you decide it’s best to leave the party completely and go to your dorm, silent years already forming in your eyes.

settling in your dorm you sit at you vanity removing all of tonight’s makeup one by one, removing each eyelash and wiping off the rest of your face makeup with tears in your eyes.

you don’t want to let fred go, but if he was happy with her you should be happy for him. right?

breaking your thoughts you quickly get into bed wanting to forget about everything you’re feeling. it’s like you’re numb, watching the person you love fall for someone else.

even with your heart broken in several pieces, you somehow still manage to love him.

Baby, though I've closed my eyes

I know who you pretend I am

drifting off into a state between consciousness and unconsciousness, you’re still able to make out when fred slips into your dorm.

he looks so happy, and you know it’s all because of her. he didn’t even spare you a glance for one second at the party today, and that confirmed everything you need to know.

fred quickly slipped behind you joining you in bed and pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead with a faint “i’m sorry love”.

why is it when the story ends we begin to feel all of it?

that was the end of yours and fred’s story, you had lost to angelina johnson.

a part of you wished you could hate her, but you can’t— she’s everything you weren’t, and everything you wanted to be.

Why not me?

part two

🏷 some moots nd others😋: @henqtic @hellohellook @sfdlm @lcvemalfcy @drachoesimp @slutfordracoluciousmalfoy @ripthatmentalhealth @littlemissnoname13 @helleli @gwlvr

#draco malfoy x reader #fred x hermione #fred weasly x reader #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley #fred weasley angst #fred weasley fluff #george weasley #george weasley x reader #harry potter #ron weasley x reader #fred weasley smut

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