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atlas-affogato · 10 months

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I would like to know your Enforcers thoughts/hcs. My fave fact of the show is that Ratso is a legit genius - mans got a bachelors in theoretical physics. I feel like the other two were like his cheerleaders in college, and fully supported him when he chose not to persue a doctorate

Eeeeeeeee YES YES YES I LOVE THAT

Oh my god that's so cute, just so supportive <3

I have so many thoughts and headcanons and so many of them are making there way into my fics.

I love Ratso he's so much fun to think about and write, I definitely think he's autistic, just everything about him, things he says and how other characters interact with him I'm like 'wow, you are just. So fucking relatable' the obsession with baseball and turbo troll action figures, he's just such a geek and I love it. I definitely think he's super smart with math and science stuff, like top of his class sort of smart. I headcanon that he went to college for theoretical physics right after high school and got a job working as like security for a bar or club at night and he got recruited for The Dark Hand through that, working at a club The Dark Hand owns. In my long fic I'm working on he dropped out of college to work for The Dark Hand full time so he never finished his degree and still has major regrets about that.

I bet Ratso is wicked smart with math shit, like he'll just rattle off some insane mental math when the situation arises and everyone just stares at him like, how can you possibly know that?? But he does! Check it on a calculator and he's right! He might not be able to tell you what Valmont is thinking but he can tell you how long its going to take to fly from San Francisco to Chicago based off of flight patterns, the weight of the plane and their speed.

I think that Ratso and Finn and Chow all met working at The Dark Hand, that was their one connection and then they became best friends and ride or die. They've got this intense ride or day relationship, like, 'fuck the rest of the world, I'd sacrifice the entire city if it meant keeping you safe' sort of thing going on.

Ratso loves baseball so much, it's been his special interest since he was a kid, he's got memorabilia, he was on the baseball team in high school, he just loves baseball so much. In baseball its good to have a tall person on first base so they can reach up and catch stray high balls and throw it real fast to second base (yes I researched baseball just because Ratso likes it) so I hc that he was the first baseman when he played baseball.

Finn and Chow could definitely care less but they are supportive boyfriends so they both let Ratso just infodump and ramble for hours about baseball and anything else, just sat on the couch "uh huh, yeah sure" while Ratso rambles. They go to baseball games and Finn and Chow let Ratso explain all the rules and about each role of each team member and the history of the team and everything and they all have a great time.

Ratso's family stays pretty much the same in like everything I write, he's got his mom who is fucking amazing, I love his mom, super supportive, great mom, and he's got three sisters, two older and one younger. Ratso strikes me as a guy who grew up with sisters and a mother who never allowed any toxic masculinity to fester, so he's super secure in himself and his relationships and he was determined to be a good person and not be an asshole like all the guys his sisters would date and complain about. Ratso's got an absent father because I love angst because it just makes sense in my mind but he's got this really big Italian extended family who he knows well and grew up with and is really close with. His mom definitely taught him how to cook so he's a really good cook, making all these nice Italian American dishes which is good because Finn and Chow live off of take out, and Ratso likes cooking so he'll definitely be in the kitchen every night making something great 🤌

I hc Ratso as gay, I never write him as anything else. I think he probably dated some girls in high school before realizing that that wasn't really his thing and subsequently coming out to his family, who were all really nice and supportive about it which is great considering it was the 80s and when people at school found out he got kicked off the baseball team and lost a lot of friends he had made. But its okay, he keeps it trucking. Ratso's got this upbeat optimistic attitude, and it's not born from ignorance, its born from this attitude of "I'd rather hope for a better life and be let down then to give up on hope all together." He'd rather see the best in people. Which makes working for a crime syndicate...difficult, to say the least.

Finn is not the same. Finn is a cynic. He's happy with his own life, his personal life and his hobbies but he doesn't think people are inherently good or kind. He believes everyone is selfish, and he isn't going to go out of his way to not be selfish because that's just how the world works. People are shitty to each other and there's nothing you can do to stop it so there's not even a point in trying.

Finn strikes me as a man who is deeply insecure about himself, and he masks that by being the complete opposite. He is out going and loud and conceited and has so much confidence in his own skills and ability because if he doesn't put on his mask of over the top-ness then he'll start to sprial about how his life is going nowhere and 'oh god I'm 30 and I haven't done anything with my life'

My headcanons for Finn's background are much more fluid than for Ratso or Chow, and I think its because I like to see what you can do with his character. In some fics he's an only child, sometimes he has six siblings, sometimes he's got twin younger sisters. Sometimes he's close with his parents, sometimes his dad is nice, sometimes he's an asshole. Sometimes he's got this big extended family and sometimes he's functionally an orphan, it just depends on what I'm writing and what I'm trying to say with the story and his personal development.

I find Finn compelling, and I think that's because I view him as a person who, despite all his personal development, is not sorry for the things he's done. He sees working for The Dark Hand as a means to an end, the end being his own wealth and success. Now I don't say that to mean I think he's a greedy, obsessed person like Valmont is, but I think Finn knows as well as anyone that there is truly nothing money won't buy. He wants success, in the back of his mind he still wants his name in lights as some major musical artist, but in reality he wants stability and he wants a steady life. He doesn't want to have to work for the rest of his life at some dead end job just to make ends meet, and if working for a crime syndicate has the possibility of giving him the life he wants, then he's willing to do whatever is asked of him to get that.

Finn has morals, he has lines he won't cross, but if you wanted genuine regret for his actions, apologies for the people he's hurt, then its just never going to happen. He's not sorry.

Finn is, in my mind, a bit prickly, I think is the best word for it. He doesn't open up to people, and he'll make plenty of jokes and jabs, but genuine vulnerability is hard to get to with him, he deflects and deflects and deflects. It takes time for him to trust Chow and Ratso, it takes lots of long talks and the two of them being able to see through his facades and jokes to get to the core of what he's trying to say without saying it for them to get close. The pay off being that once Finn is close with someone he is an open book. He's very affectionate, he's very sweet, it just takes some time to get there. Finn loves at 100% and he doesn't know how to turn that down, so he keeps people at arms length so they don't hurt him.

Finn is very open about his sexuality, he doesn't try and pretend he's not gay, if you don't like the fact that's gay then you can leave, but he doesn't put that part of himself in any sort of box or try to contain who he is. He's proud of his sexuality, he's proud of who he is, and he's not going to apologize for it.

Now Chow. Chow is interesting. (I love him so much its unreal) Chow has a lot of complexities and a lot of complex feelings about things, most of which he doesn't know how to say out loud. I hc that Chow grew up in Chinatown in San Francisco and he has pretty traditional immigrant parents. And while he loves his family, he doesn't have a lot of family. Most of his extended family is back in China, and while he's visited a few times he's not super close with any of his extended family, so its mostly just him and his parents as his older brother. Chow is someone who loves his family and wants so much to be close with his family, but has always felt like an outcast.

While his brother bore the brunt of the responsibility to be the perfect oldest sibling, Chow was still constantly compared to his brother and told he needed to try harder, and while his brother could fill the role of star student their parents forced on them, Chow just couldn't keep up.

He believed himself to be stupid for so many years just because he wasn't a straight A student like his brother, and it kind of did a lot of damage to his self esteem and self image.

Chow also strikes me as someone who knew he was gay from a young age, and someone who was visibly gay all growing up, he just couldn't hide it even when he tried and he was bullied pretty viciously for that all growing up.

Chow loves his family, but he's never believed they would be accepting of his sexuality, and he didn't want to cause a stir, he didn't want to be the person causing waves or breaking their family up so he just...never told them. And he just avoids questions about his love life and if he's ever going to have kids. It weighs pretty heavy on him, this feeling that he's letting his parents down by being gay.

Chow strikes me as someone who tries to act cool and does all this posturing because he was bullied so much for being gay and being a geek. He's got the leather jacket and the cool guy sunglasses and he's trying to act tough, but in reality he's as much of a geek as Ratso is. He loves video games, he was constantly at the arcade as a kid and he's always got the newest gaming systems. Finn's not one for video games but Ratso is so they will often spend hours playing Diddy Kong racing or Doom or Resident Evil or even sitting together on their gameboys playing Pokémon or Wario or Kirby.

Chow is a romantic. He loves all the cheesy stuff, the flowers and the gifts and the Valentines Day dinners. And he gets embarrassed about liking it, but Ratso and Finn are accommodating and they do the stupidly romantic things because they love him (they love it too, but the look on Chow's face is worth it everytime)

Chow I imagine has a hard time talking about his feelings, he has a hard time talking about things that really matter to him, he just didn't grow up in a household that said in words how much they loved eachother, so when he started dating Ratso who did grow up in a house like that and is very openly affectionate it was...a culture shock, to say the least. Chow gets better at talking about his feelings, but they also work around it in a lot of ways. If Chow handing Finn a stack of his favorite magazines is a declaration of love, then that's what it is, it doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

Okay, I have even more thoughts but I've been talking for a while now and I am getting so excited thinking about them that my hands are literally shaking right now so I am going to go ahead and post this and take a break but yes! Ask me more things! Any specifics you want! I will tell you about any and all fic ideas I have/am working on, so please just let me know what you want to hear I will talk and talk and talk about these three.

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thngsoftheconsciousmnd · 7 months

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Today is Sunny but Chilly

Today's weather feels like it relates to me. It's finally been cooling off here in Japan and it's really insane that the weather changed so fast. It was boiling just a few days ago but I can easily wear a sweatshirt all day at school nowadays. I woke up from a very deep sleep today and wasn't that tired? Like I wanted to continue my sleep but I didn't wake up and just feel exhausted. I talked to my SO yesterday about my insecurities and the way he words things. We had the same conversation a few times prior and honestly it was really hard to just come out and admit my insecurities. I felt like I would be compared to the people around him. He finally cleared up this double misunderstanding we had. I had explained how I felt like he compared me to his models and that I'm less beautiful, and he never corrected me. So I know that was double swirling around in my head. However, hearing him reexplain it when I was in a more stable/sound mind allowed me to hear what he was actually saying. And honestly? I think it was a compliment. Where outer beauty isn't that important to him anymore but how a person really acts. I also told him that I felt like he put me on a tightrope and that if I fuck up he would just throw me away. He reassured me that wasn't the case. And said if I fuck up 100% he wants to help me only fuck up 80% next time. At the time it wasn't the answer I was expecting but I'm tearing up at this while writing it. I feel like I haven't had as many negative thoughts today (its early but lets keep the roll!).

I realized that in my past relationships I was with people that were willing to throw out their sense of self to fit a mold that I was forcing on them. I remember getting upset with my last SO and him just taking it. I remember telling him I hated it when he complained. If you complain, use that energy to go and fix what's bothering you. I think I took a lot of inner problems out on him, and got used to that toxic way of treating him. I realized recently (after taking my attachment style quiz) that things from the past just live rotting and festering under the surface. Things that I just buried and was like "yeah that didn't happen" did indeed happen and I can't just wish them away. I need to work on slowly digging some of those things up and giving forgiveness. Forgive myself and the other person.

I was rereading the "How to Stop Being a Narcissist" article again and saw this. "If you continue with unhealthy habits, like bashing or shaming yourself for being vulnerable, your behavior will never change. Everyone is imperfect and deserving of unconditional love. Practicing self-love can help you heal internal emotional wounds and develop compassion toward the world around you." I want to learn how to forgive myself and allow myself to make these mistakes. I'm imperfect and so is everyone else. It would be unfair for them to judge me as perfect. I struggle, maybe more than others do, but that doesn't make me wrong. I still deserve unconditional love. I remember thinking about how I beat myself up when I think of old memories that happened and the thought "but have I done that again ever since?" no? That shows growth.

Today is about realizing the coldness of the day but also realizing that I deserve a sweater to warm me up.

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thetargaryenbride · 3 years

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A break [Levi x Fem!Reader]

Requested by: @emmaandemmal Hi, I love your works! Can I request one where Levi and his fem s/o have been a couple since before they were captured by the scouts in the underground? After the deaths of Isabel and Farlan, the reader tries to convince Levi to leave the scouts with her to go and live together in a safer place, but he refuses saying that he believes in Erwin's vision of the scouts and the two begin to fight badly. The reader eventually stays in the scouts because she doesn't want to leave without him, but the relationship between Levi and the reader is getting colder and more detached. The reader begins to think that Levi is no longer interested in her after noticing his growing friendship with Petra and she decides to leave the scouts thinking it's the best decision for her and for Levi. When Levi finds out, he tries to find her, but without success. Only a few years later, he catches a glimpse of her in the crowd after the scouts have returned from an expedition and he follows her. Once they arrive at the reader's house, she and Levi make up and the reader claims that she has been selfish in the past and that she would like to return to the scouts to fight against the titans and to claim the deaths of Isabel and Farlan. Eventually the reader and Levi resume their relationship and Levi promises her that nothing would separate them again. I'm really sorry that it's so long, if you consider this idea feel free to modify it as you wish. Sorry for my English too... it’s not very good. Thank you so much, you're one of the best Levi writers I know! ❤️

I’m sorry for the delay, dear. I was struggling with a mini writer’s block and was focusing more on art but I’m slowly getting back on track! Thank you so much for the request and thank you for your kind words. This really means a lot to me! As far as modifying goes, the only thing I modified is the timeskip. Instead of a few years, I made it one year. I hope you don’t mind ^^

Words: 4.5K

Warnings: Very Brief mention of suicide, prostitution and self-harm

Hope you like it ❤️ Feedback is deeply appreciated! ^^

Also, if Levi seems OOC, please feel free to correct me~ I accept constructive criticism ^^

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You were arguing.

You never argued.

But the situation that had befallen you made you feel all sort of ways and neither of you knew how to express those emotions, that stress, which is why it had slowly turned into a fight.

“You shouldn’t have agreed! We have no idea how the world above works! We’re going to fuck up, Levi,” you raised your voice, hands clenching into fists by your sides, levels of anger rising at Levi’s indifference at the situation. You knew that it was only a façade and that deep down Levi wasn’t indifferent. You knew he was probably worried just as much as you were. But right now you were so scared and you wanted him to just show some more emotion, fight back, shower you with words of reassurance, hug you…anything…not just stand with crossed arms, staring at you.

“So what, I should’ve let the bushy eyebrowed bastard send us in prison?” he raised an eyebrow as if challenging you to give him a good reason for your big distaste of joining the Survey Corpse. He couldn’t understand why you had exploded like that when he had agreed. It was the perfect opportunity for the fulfillment of your mission…Not that you had been very accepting of the mission either. Your paranoia and distrust always clawed at you, many a time ripping any semblance of reason and logic. But he couldn’t’ exactly blame you. He was similar in a way. He supposed that this is what living in the Underground did to you.

Living?

No. More like struggling, digging in the mud, to survive.

And the two of you had been doing this since you were kids.

“I’d rather rot in a prison cell than a titan’s stomach. And since when do you trust nobles anyways? It’s mostly because of them that we all fester here in this dump,” you spat out and he pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sigh.

“If you are so against this mission, why are you even joining?” he shot back and you choked on whatever words you had the intention of spilling.

You took a deep breath as you slumped next to him on the couch, body completely slacking in defeat as your anger simmered down a bit.

“Do you even have to ask me that?” you muttered as you stared at the ceiling, the hands in your lap fiddling with your fingers. “It’s because I would never turn my back on my family…on you,” you murmured as you straightened up and turned to face him. “Even if it’s the stupidest decision which would probably result in something shitty, I’ll still stick with you. You are all I have…I love you,” you timidly uttered the last words, casting your eyes downwards as a slight blush spread over your cheeks. The man sighed before his hands went to grab yours, successfully stopping your fiddling and wringing, squeezing them reassuringly.

“Look at me,” he ushered you gently yet firmly and you lifted your head, locking eyes with his. “We’ll be fine.”

You let out another sigh before you leaned, letting his arms encircle your form as he rested his chin on the top of your head.

“I pray that you’re right,” you whispered and just when you thought you could have a moment of peace, Farlan entered the room with a constipated expression. You couldn’t blame him. You were all beaten and battered by the soldiers and your ego was bruised, even though you let them capture you. And now they were all standing in your home or surrounding it while you packed the little of your belongings, breathing down your neck.

It was suffocating.

“We’ve packed everything. It’s time to go.”

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You wanted to blame him.

You wanted to tell him – “I told you so.”

But that wouldn’t bring back Farlan and Isabel.

It wouldn’t stitch back their ripped bodies.

They were gone and the only thing you could blame was this world.

Because it was so cruel.

And the only beauty you found in it was your love for Levi and his love for you.

He had no fault. Nobody knew that things would turn out like this. That fate would decide to cackle in your faces.

The two of you stuck together like glue more than ever after that day. You even went as far as to disregard rules as you would sneak into the men’s barracks just to sleep with him because he was the only one who managed to chase away the nightmares and wipe your tears. And you knew, even without him saying it directly, that you were the only one who could comfort him when he was feeling the burden of the world crushing his shoulders. And Farlan and Isabel’s deaths really did feel like the whole world just crumbled on top of you two. The only difference was that you were more prone to emotions and didn’t find such a difficulty at expressing them unlike Levi who preferred to bottle everything inside, feign indifference and coldness and find toxic coping mechanisms like not sleeping which as time passed shaped into the ugly form of his insomnia, despite all the scolding you’ve done.

Time passed. The first weeks after Isabel and Farlan’s deaths, you had been inseparable. But that slowly began to change after the date of the next expedition was announced. Your paranoia spiked up one night after you had tried suppressing it for days and that resulted in a breakdown.

You wanted out.

You wanted to leave the Scouts.

You had even gone as far as to talk to Erwin and the Commander, literally begging them to help you with the citizenship matters and let you and Levi leave. But of course, they refused and Erwin even went to speak to Levi about this, not knowing that the man had no idea about your plans and wishes.

Levi was angry that you did something like that behind his back. He understood your fear. He understood very well because he was afraid too. He was afraid that he was going to lose you too – the only person he had left. But he didn’t appreciate that you hadn’t been straightforward with him regarding such a serious matter, only revealing everything you have done and felt at the heat of the moment.

“I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a little girl, hiding in the wardrobe, listening how man after man would use my mother every night. Dreaming about a life, safely tucked in the corner of the world, surrounded by beautiful nature, peace and quiet, alongside my beloved person... Is it so bad that I want this for us?” you had asked with trembling voice and Levi’s expression had softened, a sign that he had forgiven you for everything and that he didn’t want to argue anymore.

“As much as I want that too, we can’t have it when the titans are roaming everywhere, threatening to wipe out Humanity. If we don’t destroy them now, we are only delaying our doom,” he muttered as his hand went to softly caress your cheek, making you sigh as you leaned into his touch. “But that man, Erwin Smith, sees something that I don’t. He has a plan to save humanity and… he sees victory… That’s why I want to stay in the Survey Corps and fight,” he admitted and at that moment, you found yourself captured by that determination burning in his eyes.

His desire to fight for a better future.

Not only for the sake of you two, but for the sake of thousands of people.

And while you weren’t completely sure yet that you were ready to sacrifice your happiness and life for a bunch of people you didn’t know or care about, you knew that you were ready to sacrifice anything and everything for him.

And that’s why you stayed.

And he knew that. He knew you better than you knew yourself. But he chose not to call you out for this. Because he understood how you felt. He didn’t belittle you. He didn’t call you selfish or insensitive or a bad person just because you didn’t want to care about anyone else but him. What does selfish, insensitive or bad even mean? They are just vague concepts that are different from every person’s point of view.

And as more time passed, after every expedition, he could see why you wanted to leave. He could see why you didn’t want to fight. Every expedition, every death, left an impact on you, stealing bit by bit from your sunny personality and shaping you into a depressed, miserable person.

Even if you claimed that you didn’t care about strangers dying, deep, deep down, he knew you did. It was just the person you were, trying to convince yourself that you didn’t care about anyone but him in order to protect yourself. But on a deeper level you still cared and you were still affected and he knew that you hated feeling like this – it brought only chaos, confusion and misery to your mind and soul as you desperately tried to live up to your own expectations and build walls around yourself only for every brick to be broken as a comrade would send you a smile or compliment you or help you out with something. And after every expedition, he would gain a better understanding as to why you wanted to be selfish and leave. Why you wanted – why you tried forcing yourself – to stop caring about anything and everyone and run away with him – the one and only person who – you tried to convince yourself – mattered.

And he didn’t know why he couldn’t follow you. On many occasions, he felt the same. But somehow, for some reason, he would always find a way back to Erwin – back to the goal they shared for humanity. He didn’t know where that sudden loyalty for the blonde had come from – the same blonde who more or less had been the reason as to why Farlan and Isabel had died. But it was exactly this loyal bond that had formed between them that prevented Levi from following you and he hated himself for it because he could see how this life of soldiers was destroying you from the inside out and there were moments when he would lay at night and dark thoughts would cross his mind – of your body hanging from somewhere or him finding you drowned or with sliced wrists or a bullet stuck in the head.

It wasn’t uncommon for soldiers to turn to self-harm as a coping mechanism and some even committed suicide.

The fight against the titans wasn’t something to be underestimated and it left an irreparable damage on everyone.

And he could see you were heading that way and he hated himself for not being able to put a stop to this and just grab your hand and run away from everything – as you wanted.

That’s why he decided to distance himself from you. He thought that maybe if he started ignoring you, if he was being cold and distant, it would put a rift in your relationship. It would make you think that he didn’t love you anymore. That you were a painful reminder of the past. And once your bond was severed, nothing would be holding you back. Nothing would stop you from leaving. Because he was the only thing, the only reason, as to why you were still sticking around. And then maybe you would finally be able to find the peace and quiet you had been seeking for ages.

His conversations with you became shorter. His answers – curt. His affection and acts of service decreased. It had brought you to tears, thinking that you had done something wrong and it tore him apart when he caught you crying one night. But it was for your own good so he had to grit his teeth and bear with it never mind how much it hurt that he was causing you this suffering.

Him being promoted to a Captain helped a lot. Now he didn’t need to find reasons or excuses to not spend time with you because he was genuinely so busy all the time. The stress was making him snappy too so he tried avoiding conversations altogether, not wanting to actually say something hurtful because then he would feel even more pain and regret and that would have his resolve crumble and he would go back to being loving and affectionate which was far, far from the goal he had.

Then Oluo and Petra had entered the picture – two members fresh into the Survey Corps, graduated from the same trainee squad with incredible talent and promising skills. He had taken them into his squad but he didn’t know that this would be the final straw to put such a rift in your relationship.

It was true that Petra was a bit clingy. Her infatuation, devotion and loyalty to him were obvious. But he thought it was a childish, fleeting crush which is why he didn’t find it necessary to confront her about it. He thought it would disappear over time, especially with how both she and Oluo seemed like an old married couple more and more with each passing day. He didn’t want to push away the members of his own squad. He wanted to embrace them. To embrace their friendship. On a subconscious level, he was trying to fill the gaps left behind from the people he lost. The gaps oozing loneliness and pain. The gaps you couldn’t fill because he wasn’t allowing you to in his haste to push you away.

And when one day he went to have lunch with Erwin, as the two needed to discuss important matters in his office, he wasn’t expecting the blonde to deliver such mortifying news to him.

“Look, Levi…I’m sorry to say this but… Y/N left the Survey Corps,” told him the Commander with a sombre tone and Levi felt his entire world shift.

Suddenly, regret flooded him, chilling him to the very last atom.

Erwin saw each and every emotion flashing in his eyes. And even if he wanted to remind his friend of the words he had told him years ago, he couldn’t.

Because there were things in this life that were impossible not to regret.

Like losing a loved one because of your or their own demons.

It was one thing to lose a loved one to death. And completely another to lose them because of your decision.

Levi didn’t utter a word, pressing his lips in a thin line as he swiftly stood up and turned on his heel, leaving the office with ebony bangs covering his eyes, shielding him from his friend’s look of pity and compassion.

He needed to think.

He needed time.

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You don’t realize how much someone or something means to you until you lose them.

No, that’s not exactly it.

Levi cherished you a lot. Levi loved you a lot. You meant the world to him. That’s why he wanted you to leave. He wanted you to find peace. He wanted you to live a good life away from that misery and bloodshed.

Even if it killed him on the inside.

Because if you truly love someone, you would let them go if it was for the sake of their happiness.

But now that he’s finally gone and done it. Now that he not only pushed you away as a lover but pushed you away from his life altogether, he felt lost.

He felt lost and miserable.

As if life was drained from any sound and colour, leaving him to float in some abyss, soaking in his own negative feelings.

The sorrow, the pain, the dread, the loneliness.

If he had to list them all, he would waste all of Erwin’s expensive parchment.

And as he laid there in his bed, after thinking and reflecting on everything for hours on end, staring at the ceiling with an empty bottle of alcohol shattered into pieces against the opposite wall – alcohol that barely got him tipsy – he realized that maybe he wanted to be selfish too. That, combined with the regrets of pushing you away, burned at his soul, melting any doubts he had, like a blacksmith melting steel, and solidified his resolve to find you and bring you back, like a new sword being forged.

So next day after he had gotten all his emotions, thoughts and feelings in check and after he had taken a decision, he approached Erwin and asked for your location.

He was unpleased when his friend told him that he had no idea where you went off to. Part of Levi wanted to be angry and yell at him. Accuse him of lying. But he was so tired after the emotional and mental battle he had wielded that he just gave up on his anger and frustration and decided that instead of letting such negative emotions rule over him, he would brush them aside instead and pave way for that same scorching determination he had for the Survey Corpse’s cause, now combining it with the determination of finding you.

And he didn’t stop.

Once he started, he didn’t stop.

He would visit every town, every village, whenever he was free from his duty.

He never stopped looking for you.

It took him roughly a year to scout most of Wall Rose’s lands.

But it was during one fateful evening, after the Scouts were returning from an expedition, when he spotted you.

The sun had just set, allowing the sky to be painted in purples and blues with shimmering stars being sprinkled onto the canvas. The street lanterns shone brightly and the comforting light spewing from them had illuminated a very familiar form.

A form that Levi knew like the lines of his own palm.

He hadn’t wasted time to jump from his black mare and chase after you. He didn’t want to approach and confront you right away so he just settled for walking at a slow pace behind you, trying his best to not be noticed or come off as some creep.

He seriously couldn’t believe his luck.

Knowing your thought pattern, he believed that you had run away somewhere far. Back in the days when you lived in the Underground, whenever you had arguments – which was very rare – you would always run away from home and hide somewhere far, knowing that it would be hard for him to find you and nearly giving him heart attacks because of it. But this time you had decided to hide right under his nose – near Trost district which was not far away from the SC HQ.

He counted himself outsmarted and he didn’t know whether to be annoyed by this or proud of you.

You looked radiant even in the dusk. The cream dress you were wearing made you look like a vision, glowing in the dark. It reached a bit past your knees, revealing some of your calves while the upper part left your collarbones in the open. He longed to run his fingers over your skin. Through your hair. To touch you. To feel you. To hold you. To tell you what an idiot he was. How he wanted you back in his life because he couldn’t exist without you by his side.

To apologize.

“Are you going to keep following me or are you going to help me carry the basket?” your voice interrupted his train of thought and he cursed lightly under his breath. You chuckled and stopped in your tracks, turning around ever so slightly, eyes finally landing on the person you were so anxious to see again but didn’t have the courage to approach.

He wordlessly took the basket from your hands and began walking next to you.

All the way to your house you stayed silent.

He didn’t even comment when you exited the District and neared the woods, only lifting an eyebrow.

Your shoes and his boots clinked against the cobblestone pathway, the little door of the wooded fence creaking under your touch as you pushed it. His eyes scanned the yard, taking notice of the freely roaming chicken, a few lambs, one cow and one horse – your horse from the Survey Corps. He could vaguely make out a garden peeking from behind the house so he supposed you also had a backyard where you were growing your food. He almost flinched when a huge dog – almost as big as you and him – came running in your direction, demanding head pats which you gladly gave.

Levi was impatient. He wanted to enter the damn house already and talk. But at the same time, a part of him was happy about the delay. He almost gulped nervously at the thought of the following confrontation.

Almost.

At last, you unlocked the front door and the two took off your shoes, putting on slippers, and moved into the house. You took the basket from his hands and placed it on the kitchen counter before you grabbed a rag to wipe the table and beckoned the man to sit down. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, taking a step towards the chair before halting, looking at you rigidly, and resuming his journey until he was finally sat. You clenched and unclenched the rag before you threw it away and sat across him, fingers now playing with the soft fabric of your dress. You looked at the ground and he looked at your feet, noticing your toes curling and uncurling from nerves even through the slippers.

“I-“

“Levi-“

You both said at the same time and you chuckled lightly at the cliché situation.

“You first,” uttered the man and you gulped, sending him a wobbly smile.

“I want to apologize-“ you took a short pause and an intake of air when you saw his eyes widening as his features twisted in a dumbstruck expression as if he was unable to process why you were apologizing. “-for leaving so suddenly without uttering a word. It was…childish,” you quieted down and he closed his eyes, sighing deeply. “You were walking further and further away from me, getting extra busy with being a Captain and…and then Petra came into the picture,” you muttered but were fast to wave your hands in defence, “Not that I ever doubted your loyalty! My trust in you would never waver but…I just thought that maybe we both needed a break. We needed to breathe and clear our heads and start thinking properly. That’s why I decided to leave and give us some space. I never truly intended on leaving the Survey Corps or abandoning you…You mean so much to me…but I’m still sorry that I-“

“Stop,” he rose to his feet and you quickly followed, anticipation and fear at his next possible words, building up inside of you, making you feel like burning. “You don’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

That calmed you down a bit, the fear leaving your mind, but instead, worry settled as you looked at the way he lowered his head and bit his lip.

“I acted wrongly…I was foolish by thinking that pushing you away would bring you the freedom and happiness you sought,” he muttered and your face softened. “I just,” he sighed as his trembling hand went through his hair in an attempt to ground himself. “I just saw how impacted you would get after every expedition…how you started losing that glow of yours, your bubbly and sunny persona…I saw how hard you were trying to force yourself to stop caring, to be selfish and leave, but you still couldn’t because…because you’re not like that… damnit,” he grit out as he tugged on a few strands before letting his hand fall and rest against his hip limply.

He kicked himself inwardly. He was never good at expressing himself. The moment he had seen you in the crowd, the moment he had set a goal to talk to you and sort everything out, he had been reciting in his head and thinking what exactly he was going to tell you and how he was going to explain himself and the reasoning behind his actions.

“I just-“

“-wanted me to be happy…So you thought that by being a dick and pushing me away, you would make me leave so I can find my peace and quiet somewhere far, far away,” you finished for him, deciding to help him out which caused him to halt in his speech and just stare at you, waiting for your next words, the terror of you rejecting him or telling him that you didn’t feel the same anymore felt like a nettle rope around his neck, getting tighter and tighter with each second, suffocating and scathing him. “Listen, while you might have been partially right, you were also wrong. Because even if I do find happiness away from all the bloodshed, it just wouldn’t be the same without you, silly,” you shook your head as you sent him a sad smile. “I’d rather endure all the pain and suffering in the world than be separated from you,” you finally took the courage to close the space between you as you laid your head on his chest, arms slowly sliding around his torso. He didn’t hesitate to return the hug, sharply bringing you closer, if that was possible, and squeezing you so hard you didn’t know whether to groan from pain or chuckle at seeing him express himself so openly and in such a sweet, boyish manner. It kind of brought back memories from the days you lived in the Underground and how he would hug you exactly like that when you would do something stupid that would put you at risk, albeit a bit more awkwardly since back when you were teenagers you both had no idea how to express your love for each other.

“Deep down I knew you were onto something. Because why would you start acting like that so suddenly? It just wasn’t in your style. But at the same time I felt…” he tightened his embrace even more and buried his face in your hair, inhaling your scent and letting it comfort his tortured mind. He had missed you so unbearably much.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry,” he whispered and you sighed as you ran your hands over his back in a soothing manner.

“I forgive you, Levi…I understand that you did it for my own good. But believe me when I say that I can’t find true freedom or happiness without you by my side,” you placed a kiss on his shoulder before pulling away to look him in the eyes. “Don’t ever leave. Don’t ever try to make me leave. Let’s just stick together through thick and thin as we’ve done since we were kids, ok?” you asked and he nodded, leaning hesitantly. You met his lips halfway and you kissed gently which slowly turned into a passionate, hungry, heated and desperate make out as you tried to feel one another after a whole year of being apart. When you finally broke it off, needing air, you rested your forehead against his and let yourself soak in his presence. He did the same. You just stayed like that, foreheads touching, arms around one another as you swayed ever so slightly.

“Want to help me pack?”

#levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #reader #reader imagine #aot x reader #snk x reader

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rocorambles · 4 years

Text

Trapped

Pairing: Sakusa x Reader

Prompt: Fantasy

Genre/Warnings: Yandere, Toxic Relationship, NSFW, Fantasy AU, Sorcerer Sakusa, Rape/Non-Con, Mind Control, Manipulation, Obsessive and Posessive Behavior, Degradation

Summary: You should have trusted your gut instincts, the lessons you had learned the hard way about just how cruel powerful men could be.

Author’s Note: This is my contribution for my HQ Discord Server’s NSFW collaboration. There are so many talented writers on the server and I highly encourage you to check out the collaboration masterlist here to see how everyone decided to run with this prompt. (Masterlist goes live Friday, October 30th 11:00pm U.K. time!)

You splutter awake, laughing, but also groaning as a wet tongue slobbers all over your face and you lightly shove the fox that’s currently standing beside your resting head, intent on waking you up to play. Blearily you blink your eyes, trying to gauge what time it is based on the light seeping into the cave you’ve come to call your home. Judging by the bright rays of sunlight, it’s already mid-morning and you stretch your arms above your head, petting your furry companion behind its ears before standing up and treading out into the forest, your friend walking right beside you, its tail brushing against your leg.

The familiar peace and quiet of the wind rustling past branches and the faint chirping of birds wafts through the air and you smile as you continue making your way to the nearby waterfall, various four-legged animals that have come to be your family and friends popping their heads out of grassy patches and from behind trees in greeting. You can’t even remember the last time you’d seen another human being and you grimace at the thought of your last encounter.

Orphans, especially female orphans like you, rarely survive for long and you bitterly remember the years of being a street urchin, never knowing when your next bite of food would come, never knowing who to trust in a world full of both humans and magical creatures who’d do horrible things to an unclaimed child and you shiver at the thought of possibly being eaten or harvested for ingredients for countless dark magic spells. But life had only gotten harder the older you became and as a single, vulnerable woman, you began to attract a different attention, no longer able to blend as seamlessly as you once had with predatory eyes trailing after you, resting too long on parts of your body that you desperately wanted to hide from the world.

You tried sticking it out, finding ad hoc jobs here and there as a maid, as a seamstress, as a waitress. But corruption ran deep wherever you went and disgust makes you recoil when you remember all the times you’d been cornered by all types of men and creatures, received unwanted touches in hidden corners and degrading remarks of what your only purpose in life was. And after being left to sob, pain lancing between your legs, your clothes ripped to shreds, knowing no one would ever take your side, knowing that this would just continue happening over and over again, you vowed to never have anything to do with another sentient being ever again.

You’d heard rumors of the forest, about its enchantment, about the stories of terrible things hiding away in its heart, but you couldn’t imagine any monster worse than the ones you’ve already encountered and you determinedly march forward, never turning back to look at the city you’re leaving behind. And as you step past the border of trees, even you, someone who’s never had anything to do with magic, can feel the surge of power, feel the crackling energy as you delve deeper and deeper. But maybe the forest could sense that you meant it no harm, maybe it knew that you were just a lonely, helpless soul, maybe it felt generous, felt pity for the damaged woman seeking refuge. Whatever the case was, it left you alone and in all the years you’d made a home in its lush vegetation, not once had you met any of the ghastly creatures you’d heard so many horror stories of. And maybe that’s why you let your guard down when you meet him, finding a false security in the wood and grass-filled world you now live in.

You don’t bother being quiet or stealthy as you walk. Why would you when there’s never been anyone else around? So imagine your shock when black human eyes are staring at you as you round the corner and reach the water’s edge and panic laces through you when you see how masculine and strong he looks, overwhelming fear making you tremble when you take in the staff you see laying next to him.

A sorcerer.

You’d learned the hard way that men were never to be trusted and that men with power and wealth were the ones to be even more wary of. Fortunately you’d only dealt with vile wealthy men and as awful as they had been, you know men gifted with an affinity for magic make those nobles seem as harmless as kittens in comparison. You’d seen firsthand the havoc sorcerors could wreak, seen the charred, mutilated, disfigured bodies put on display at the city gates as an example of the fate for anyone who rebels against the crown. To your knowledge, all sorcerors worked for the royal family, rarely leaving the walled fortress unless sent on a mission or task, but never in a place like this so-called cursed forest. So what was he doing here?

The urge to flee thrums through your veins, but when he makes no move to stand or get any closer to you, curiosity gets the better of you and you stay rooted to your spot and before you can stop yourself, you find yourself asking the first question that comes to mind.

“Who are you?”

When Sakusa had ventured outside of the castle walls for a break from the irritating humans inside the cramped corridors and bustling courtrooms, he had purposefully chosen a place where no other soul would be. His hand had immediately wrapped around his staff as the sound of approaching rustling interrupted his thoughts, but when you had made your presence known, he could only stare in awe, staff forgotten as he took you in.

You’re different from the usual noble women he sees on a daily basis. For one, you’re barely wearing anything, a makeshift dress of strung together leaves, flowers, and grass the only thing covering you and he can feel his face grow hot as he tries not to blatantly stare at your bare legs and arms. But as he really regards you, he can’t help but feel something wild, something primal in you and he blinks in shock when he realizes that you have the same energy as the forest, as if the forest has claimed you as one of its own and he’s so entranced by his realization that he’s startled by the sound of your voice.

From anyone else, he would have scowled at the forwardness and bluntness of the question, but for some reason, coming from you, he finds himself easily answering.

“Sakusa Kiyoomi”

People, conversations, human interaction. Those are all things Sakusa abhors and yet, as you tentatively draw closer to him, staring at him in wide eyed curiosity while the two of you exchange words, he thinks he doesn’t mind any of those things when you’re involved. He comes to visit you as often as he can, something warm blooming inside of him as he sees your hackles relax, notices how you inch closer and closer to him every time he arrives, and he can’t help but compare you to a wild animal and behind the warmth in his chest, something darker lurks, and he wonders what it would be like to tame you, claim you back from the wooded forest that had taken you in, mark you as his own.

And that thought festers and grows inside of him.

He does his best to keep it at bay, play it off as just a fleeting idea, but when your eyes and body begin to seep into his dreams, into his every waking thought, he can’t keep the desire down any longer and when he strides towards you once more, he drops to one knee in front of you, asking for your hand in marriage.

In hindsight it probably was foolish to think that you were as smitten with him, foolish to think that someone who had been scarred enough to escape from civilization would easily just return to the place full of painful memories, and yet red hot anger blazes through him when you turn him down. It doesn’t matter how sweet and kind you are about it, gently letting him down and telling him you’re sure he’d find someone much better suited to being his wife, someone prim and proper, someone educated and knowledgeable of court intricacies.

Humiliation only fuels his rage as he rises back to his feet and he can feel his magic churning, waiting to be used, dancing at his fingertips, and he has half a mind to forcefully drag you back with him, but he retracts it, pushes it down deep inside of him as he takes a deep breath. No, he wants you to come back and grovel at his feet, beg him to take you in, to help you. He wants you to feel the same need for him that he feels for you and he bites his tongue and restrains himself as his mind begins to plan and strategize.

He tries to remain as normal as possible, still going to visit you as often as before, but his nails dig into the palm of his hands at the pity in your eyes and he clenches his teeth at the way that you tread around him like he’s a wounded animal. But he takes those feelings and lets them drive him late through the night as he chants strange words, flips through old scrolls, experiments with different spells and ingredients and a rare smile stretches across his face when the pieces finally come together.

It’s time to take set his plan in motion and in the middle of the night while most of the city is fast asleep, there’s a strange flashing light, a rush of something sinister in the air, and the murmurs of masculine chanting swirling in the air, lingering, and foreshadowing the dark days ahead. But you remain asleep, peacefully ignorant of the shift in the atmosphere, naive to just how much your life will change.

You wake up, surprised by the lack of a warm furry body or tongue lapping at your face, and you vaguely wonder if you’d woken up in the middle of the night, but the sunlight filtering through tells you a different story. You feel strange, warning bells beginning to faintly clamor in your head, and you gingerly step outside of your lair only to freeze at the dead silence surrounding you. It’s always quiet and calm in the forest, but where there is usually the sound of nature and creatures, now there is only a deathly silence and you stare in horror as the forest seems to decay right in front of your eyes. What used to be green grass is wilting and brown. The trees you’d spent years climbing and picking fruit from are completely bare. But what makes a choked sob get caught in your throat is the corpses of the animals who’d you come to be so fond of littered around you and your slow stuttered amble becomes a frenzied run, as you race through your dying home, hoping to see any sign of life left.

But days pass and the state of your home only gets worse. Your throat is parched without clean water to drink, all the water sources near you murky and littered with fish corpses indicating just how toxic they’ve become. Your stomach aches with hunger, no vegetation, fruits, or animals nearby for you to ingest. And a deep loneliness churns inside of you and once again you feel as alone as you did when you were just a dirty street urchin trying to scrape together a living off the streets.

So when Sakusa comes for his regular visit and finds your weakened body slumped on the floor of your cave, it just makes sense to you, survival instincts kicking in, to drag yourself over to his feet, fling your arms around him when he finally bends down, and sob into his chest. You don’t question the way he’s slow to crouch down to your level and comfort you. You don’t see the cruel smile on his face when he sees you pathetically laying at his feet. You don’t notice the glee in his eyes as you beg him to take you with him. And when he asks you if you’d like to come and be his assistant, you eagerly nod your head and cling tighter to him, burying your face in his comforting and familiar presence as he teleports the two of you back to his living quarters.

Months pass and despite your initial wariness of returning to live among other beings, you find that Sakusa seems to dislike being around others just as much as you, and the two of you find a comfortable way of life mostly holed up in his living quarters with only the other as company. You’d never really been exposed or taught anything about magic growing up, so you’re genuinely fascinated as you watch Sakusa chant, attentively listening as he tells you what each ingredient is, eagerly following his every step as he shows you firsthand how to mix different potions. And Sakusa thinks that your aptitude for learning, the perfect synchronization the two of you have as you seamlessly work your way into his rhythm, preparing and setting things up before he even needs to tell you, speaks volumes of just how perfect the two of you are together, speaks volumes of how you were meant to be together.

He continues strategizing, gaining your trust, letting you grow accustomed to his presence, smiling at the way you don’t even bat an eye when his hands linger on yours a bit longer than normal when he hands you something, at the way you don’t tense up anymore when he presses his body against you from behind as he physically guides and shows you how to do something. And he knows he’s on the right track when you take the initiative to swipe a strand of his hair behind his ear as he concentrates on a task at hand, when you perch your chin on his shoulder, peeking over his shoulder as he jots down notes.

But even the greatest minds make mistakes and when he sends you off to find a certain piece of text for him from the bookshelf in the corner of his room, he forgets to clarify where on the shelf to look and not wanting to bother him, you meticulously comb through every book, forehead scrunching in curiosity when you find a notebook tucked behind, as if it was meant to be hidden. You consider just passing it over, not wanting to intrude on Sakusa’s privacy, but having gone through most of the books and not finding what you need, you wonder if perhaps the thing he’s looking for is in here and that this had just been misplaced or accidentally pushed towards the back of the shelf.

As you flip through the pages you quickly realize this is a book of Sakusa’s own spells and you stare in awe at how much work he’d done, how extensive his own self-created spell repertoire is, but suddenly your heart freezes when you flip to the last few filled pages. You’re not as fluent as Sakusa is when it comes to the ancient magical language, but you know enough after the time you’ve spent with him, the lessons he’s taught you, to recognize ‘plague’ and ‘forest’ and your throat and heart feel both heavy and panicked when you realize the implication of what you’d found. And suddenly you remember the day he had proposed to you vividly, ice cold shock and realization making you shudder when you remember a flash of something dark in his eyes when you had rejected him. And your hands tremble when you see the very last page, taking note of the phrase ‘mind control’. But before you can dwell on it, you squeal in surprise when the book is plucked from your hands and you’re rooted to the spot by dark eyes pinning you down.

You want to scream angry words at him. You want to escape. And yet, you do neither, frozen with fear when you remember exactly what happened to the victims who’d defied sorcerers.

“Hmm. This spell’s not quite ready yet, but I guess we can test it out early.”

And before you can even register what’s happening, a firm hand is placed on the top of your head, the other wrapped around your throat to keep you still as magic surges through the air and you vaguely hear yourself pleading for him to stop, until suddenly you feel trapped in your own body, the connection between your conscience and physical figure severed and you stare in horror as your body goes limp and docile in his arms.

Sakusa peers into your eyes in interest, humming in thought as he scrawls a few more notes in his notebook.

“The end goal of this spell is for me to be able to completely control your mind, but right now it looks like I only have control of the section that handles your physical functions if that ugly hate-filled look in your eyes is any indication. But let’s test my theory shall we?”

And it feels like a bad dream as your body submissively makes its way to his bed, seductively swaying your hips as you sprawl out on his bedsheets, eagerly wrapping your arms around the back of his neck as he joins you, bringing him down for a kiss. He’s rough and invasive as he tears your clothes off, calloused hands touching and contaminating every inch of you and you feel disgust as he examines you like you’re a piece of prime meat he’s purchased, coldly and meticulously pinching and prodding you as he observes what makes your body react. And for once, you hate how observant he is, how in tune to your smallest shifts he is, how sensitive your body is as your nipples perk up, as little moans escape past your traitorous lips when he pinpoints your weak spots.

But what you hate most is the triumphant grin on his face when his dexterous fingers swipe against your lower lips and you internally flinch at the glistening slick that coats his fingers when he holds it to your face, evidence of the heavy arousal mixing with your humiliation and hate. And you try to think of anything else, imagine you’re anywhere but here as he begins to wonder out loud while his fingers twist and turn inside of you, reaching and touching places you’d never been able to explore yourself, if he even needs to tweak his spell anymore seeing how you’re a slave to your body’s natural desire for pleasure. Maybe there wasn't a need to completely control your thoughts and emotions as well.

He hadn’t realized what a slut you are, getting off to anyone using your body, and he leers down at you while he continues questioning you, knowing full well you can’t answer or retort to his crude remarks. And he idly wonders if your mind would naturally break without additional magic if he pleasured you enough, transformed you into a warm body that constantly seeks and craves his touch.

The fear in your eyes at his words only fuels his need to completely dominate you and he grits his teeth as he slides into your drenched hole, eyes closing shut as he just stays still and revels in how tight you are, how perfectly you wrap around him. And when he opens his eyes and sees the glassy-eyed lustful look on your face from being filled, he finally releases himself from the controlled facade he so carefully always wears and lets himself dive headfirst into the sultry, dizzying, primal embrace of lust as he pistons his hips in and out of you at a brutal pace, dark eyes never straying from your face as your eyes begin to roll back and your wanton mewls fill the air.

He can feel his end approaching, but he’d be damned if he didn’t make you fall apart with him, drown you in inescapable pleasure, and his hand slips between the two of you, fingers finding your aroused clit and all it takes is a few rubs and thrusts before your body is tensing up, back arching, mouth opening in a silent scream, body convulsing and writhing underneath him, your cunt milking him as you’re forcefully brought to your peak. And he joins you over that edge, thick white spurts coating your twitching walls.

You pray that he’s done, that he’ll release you now that he’s thoroughly tasted and had you, now that you’re just sloppy seconds, used goods. But you’re startled when he lovingly kisses you and tenderly strokes your hair, and your stomach churns at the genuine affection you see in his eyes. And your heart drops, any last bit of hope you had extinguished as he holds your body close to him in a mockery of a loving embrace and whispers in your ear about the future he has planned for both of you, a future where you stay by his side as an obedient, submissive housewife, a future where you’re willing and eager to please him, to love him.

That was always his goal for the both of you, he insists, and a flame of anger burns inside of you at the exasperated and patronizing sigh he directs your way as he blames you for forcing his hands, for forcing him to do this the hard way, for forcing him to resort to magic when you could have saved everyone the hassle by just accepting his proposal all those months ago.

Hate and anger twist and coil inside of you and yet, when he kisses you once more, your body instinctively leans into the soft touch before obediently going lax as he tells you to sleep, eyes automatically closing at the command, and Sakusa smiles at your slumbering figure. It’s not exactly how he had planned to go about this, the mind control spell being more of a back-up option he had been trying to avoid, but you’re finally irrevocably his and that’s all that matters.

#yandere haikyuu #haikyuu yandere #yandere #haikyuu smut #yandere sakusa #sakusa x reader #tw: yandere #tw: rape #tw: noncon

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mfkinanaa · 3 years

Text

LIBRA RISING.

Born with Libra on your Ascendant (or Rising), life is likely to be experienced as a constant series of choices.

It is important for you to consider everything from its various points of view.

Deliberation may be your hallmark, and eventually justice your middle name.

Libra is an Air sign, concerned with fairness, equality and right relationships.

Thus, you are likely to feel the need to be objective in all your dealings, and will specialise in relationships.

However the need to consider all perspectives may be somewhat crippling if a decision or resolution cannot be reached.

Reflective judgement with a committment to equity is the key note for you.

Your task is to find the right principle involved in a given situation, and then commit to it – maintaining your position without changing your mind.

Shall I Do This Or That?

When your Ascendant is Libra, the temptation to change your mind is ever-present. This can lead to vacillation, indecisiveness and a tendency to fence-sit when a choice is not made. You need to become aware of any intrinsic desire to avoid making a decision, as this will lead to others seeing you as fickle, and even opportunistic, rather than the finely balanced, fair-minded individual that you truly are.

You may be easily imposed upon because of a tendency to avoid openly stating what you really want. You yourself are likely to feel frustrated by this inability to choose. It is important to reflect on this and admit to yourself what your true motives are. Are you seeking others approval by avoiding action? Do stop yourself doing what you know is right in case someone else disagrees?

The Need To be Liked.

Often, the desire to be liked, and a willingness to please others can lead you to “people-please”, rather than commit to what is right or fair. In order to guard against this tendency, a reliable, fair and objective system of values needs to be established. You would do well to be guided by principle rather than popularity in the choices that you make.

A balance should be found between activity and passivity, between head and heart, intuition and logic. Negotiation through charm and objectivity is your forte, and you can help bring about resolution through a balanced assessment of facts.

You need to experience both confrontation and compromise to find out what is important to you. Thus, you can be both principled and assertive, willing to compromise yet clear in your objectives once you have decided on what you want. At your best, you are able to express the grace, poise and consideration which is characteristic of this sign.

Harmony and Balance.

Symmetry, proportion and balance are also important, and you are likely to prefer harmonious, refined or well-designed environments. You need to be surrounded by beauty and will function best in an organized and aesthetic space. Harmony is important for your mental balance.

You are also likely to be quite refined, with a sense of style that is often innate. It may be important for you to project a stylish appearance, and so, you may also be very fashion conscious.

The search for the ideal system, relationship or ideal can lead you into many areas of interest and exploration. This is a mental sign after all, so that information is a key theme. You are also probably known for your listening and negotiation skills, and ability to give good advice. This is the sign of wise counsel, and your capacity to make a detached assessment of any situation is likely to be highly esteemed.

The Gift of Libra Rising.

Relationships are a major concern, and you will get the best from your partnerships when you learn to first define who you are, and what you need, before then making any necessary compromises to keep things agreeable. Libra is the sign of partnerships, and you may feel that you need others to be able to fulfill yourself. Doing things collaboratively brings your best qualities to the surface. You may find it easiest working toward a goal when you have someone else to do it with. Through relationships, you learn to assert yourself, adjust to others, and to stand up for the principles which you believe are fair.

SCORPIO RISING.

Born with Scorpio on your Ascendant (or Rising) you are likely to experience life as a constant series of obstacles or crises in which you learn about the nature of power through transformation.

Whilst this may seem challenging, once understood in terms of a life lesson, you have the potential to be an inspirational and catalytic individual.

Your strength and insight gives you the ability to change your own life and help others overcome whatever is holding them back.

On the one hand, this is a difficult Ascendant.

On the other it offers you a magnetic and charismatic quality that makes you fascinating to others and deeply perceptive.

There is much in the experience of Scorpio Rising that involves learning to transform yourself and others through episodes of conflict, challenge and subsequent letting go.

Finding the Light Within.

When your Ascendant is Scorpio, a confrontation with that which is dark, hidden, destructive and taboo in your own nature is often required. Despite your best intentions, you may need to deal with negative, toxic and obsessive emotional states that seem to plague you.

Such destructive qualities need to be internally transformed by being acknowledged, accepted and brought into the light.

You may also meet the same qualities in others. You could find yourself confronting darkness in the outside world through facing extreme situations, or attracting negativity to yourself. Whilst your nature is inherently good, you are learning to experience both the positive and negative aspects of life.

Through overcoming difficult situations you find your strength and light.

The Eighth Labour of Hercules.

The themes which present with this sign on the Ascendant can be described by the mythic tale of Hercules battling the much-feared Hydra, a demonic creature of the Underworld with ten heads and a deadly bite.

The Eighth Labour of Hercules tells the story of how he overcame the beast. Victory required submission rather than brute force. Every time Hercules cut one head off, another would appear.

To overcome the Hydra, Hercules had to follow the guidance of his teacher – “We rise by kneeling, we conquer by surrendering, and we gain by giving up”. This experience could be described as the quintessential lesson for those with Scorpio rising.

The Curse of Jealousy.

Jealousy is often an issue, especially in the early part of life. You may find yourself envious of others apparent power, beauty or success – with no rational explanation as to why.

This destructive emotion can alienate you from others, generating friction that needs to be released. Envy pulls you down and can trigger a nasty backlash. If not released, resentment and associated feelings fester within, rearing their ugly heads at inopportune times with a powerful and destructive force. Internal pressure slowly builds until an explosion occurs.

Just like the Hydra, toxic emotions can only be conquered through submission. This means letting go of negativity and aligning yourself with something greater than your personal desires. Humility and self-acceptance is required.

You may find yourself oscillating between hopeful and hopeless responses to your feelings and external stimuli. You can unconsciously create dramatic events in your life which trigger catalytic personal experiences as you discover more about your true self.

Sometimes, situations of disability and impairment come about, so that the fear of helplessness or restriction is materialised. These challenges then become the opportunity for you to experience surrender, learning eventually to open up and trust others.

Private & Sensitive.

Private by nature, you are likely to give very little away about yourself until you know who you can trust. Others may not be sure of your true intentions. They may find you somewhat inscrutable, mysterious or just hard to read. You are likely to play your cards very close to your chest.

Rather than being secretive, you are self-protective.

Your acute sensitivity to environmental influences means you try to avoid exposing yourself and feeling vulnerable in any way. For you, letting others know how sensitive you really are means giving them a kind of power you are not sure you want to give.

You are often extremely aware of the underlying emotional currents surrounding you. This sign is extremely perceptive. You can easily pick up on another’s mood, and will sense how they feel – sometimes before they do.

You will also have a knack for exposing hidden intentions, and will need to dig deep to uncover the underlying psychological motives in any important situation with which you are involved.

You will also be aware of others potential to be deceptive, abusive and less than truthful, and so you can be at times disarmingly honest. Most often, your preferred form of attack is defence, and so you keep yourself to yourself.

You are generally quite content therefore to wait while others reveal who they truly are to you.

Careful in Relationship.

With a warm and passionate heart, you are likely to respond intensely to significant relationships, and it will be especially important for you to find a partner you can trust. You do best with calm, placid yet strong lovers who are able to withstand the intensity of your emotional reactions, and your need to work them out through others.

When you have committed your heart to someone, you are loyal, giving and devoted. You need someone who is stable enough to ride any emotional storms and patient enough to give you the security you need.

In many ways you might take an “all or nothing” stance with affairs of the heart. You need time to get to know someone so won’t be inclined to rush in. Even if you do form a connection quickly, you will probably withhold parts of yourself. You need to know your partner is “all in” before you can trust them.

Or you could try avoid intimacy because it means you have to let your guard down. For this reason, you can be hard to get close to, as your self-protective mechanisms are very strong.

This can mean you end up remaining on your own, leaving others feeling uncertain as to where you stand but safely at a distance.

The Fires of Transformation.

Once the necessary transformations have come about, you then become a powerful catalyst or agent for change in your own and others lives.

You have the ability to renew and rebuild your life, and can show others how to do the same. Negative states can be transformed and redirected through internal processes. A creative outlet, some form of therapy, a mystical experience or an intense sexual exchange can serve as the means to refine these energies.

As you let go of pain and open up to light you find strength and wisdom within.

You are likely to have a penetrating kind of insight that makes you a valued confidante and friend. You have great compassion for others, but will not suffer fools. You are also likely to be patient, persevering and reliable, and can be a source of strength in times of need.

Your desire for truth means you may sometimes have to employ shock tactics to instigate change. Usually this is not to be upsetting, but rather because you know sometimes you have to say the things that others will not in order to shake up the status quo.

Your highly developed emotional intelligence can make you privy to others’ secrets. When you share vulnerabilities with others you also learn to let go of your own fear of being overwhelmed.

The Gift Of Scorpio Rising.

Yours is an intense rising sign, with the potential to experience great rewards. You have come to learn the secrets of resurrection and rebirth through experiencing transformation in certain areas of your life. Once you learn the techniques of inner growth by finding your power within you then have the capacity to become an incredible force for change.

SAGITTARIUS RISING.

Born with Sagittarius on your Ascendant (or Rising) you are likely to experience your life as a quest, challenge or search for adventure where the prize you seek is meaning.

Self-awareness comes about through expanding your horizons – at either physical, mental or spiritual levels.

You are likely to approach new experiences with a sense of optimism and hope – an expectation of success.

The dynamic, fiery qualities of this rising sign need to be directed toward reconciling some of the metaphysical and philosophical quandaries of life.

In your quest for meaning, you should leave no stone unturned.

The Search for Meaning.

When your Ascendant is Sagittarius, every situation can be viewed as an opportunity to learn. You are likely to feel a sense of restlessness and need to have the freedom to roam, explore horizons and see how far you can go. This might happen at physical, mental or spiritual levels.

At times, your life could feel like a pilgrimage, where the need to find the holy grail of your own “truth” is paramount. A way to express this approach might be – “I see the goal; I reach the goal, and then I see another”.

Gifted with energy and inspiration, you are often able to inspire and uplift others. You are typically broad-minded and so happy to let everyone live their own lives. Charged with faith and optimism, you can look for symbolic meaning wherever you go, finding portents in life’s circumstances and omens to guide you on your way. Usually, every event is seen as part of a larger, connected whole. You find meaning in patterns and serendipity at every turn.

Times of Excess.

Yet there may also be times where you allow your faith to dwindle. If you fail to find the answers you seek you can become despondent and cynical in the extreme. You must be careful not to set yourself up for crushing disappointment by setting expectations that are unrealistic or too big to achieve.

Added to this, there may also be a tendency toward excess, inflation and overstepping the mark. Your exuberance and optimism can sometimes turn to greed, recklessness or a lack of due care. Your tendency to go to extremes goes hand in hand with a belief in your own invincibility and need to push boundaries in terms of what is possible. It is worthwhile checking in at times to see if you have in fact gone too far – despite the fact that you want to.

Sharing your Truth.

If your Ascendant is Sagittarius, you need to find your truth on your own terms, and there may be an extended period of searching for the right path, teaching or philosophy to satisfy your quest. You may spend significant chapters of your life travelling or immersed in a particular belief system, exploring ideas and concepts to their broadest level.

You are likely to be passionate about the pursuit of knowledge, and so it is important to allow yourself plenty of opportunity to explore new horizons, and broaden your sphere of reference.

Once you have found a path that fulfils, you can become so enthusiastic that you want to share with everyone else what you know. You are eager to teach others what you have learnt. Many excellent teachers have this sign pronounced in their charts.

Yet some of you can turn to preaching and even zealotry in your eagerness to share. There may be times when you go to extremes in your efforts to recruit others to your particular belief system. Care should be taken to extend to others the same intellectual, moral or personal freedom that you require for yourself.

In this way, you can manifest the darker side of Sagittarius, trying to co-opt others into agreeing with your version of the truth. Cynical disbelief can be equally vehement as optimistic faith. In the end you will find that trying to convert others is an ultimately futile preoccupation.

The Gift of Sagittarius Rising.

With Sagittarius rising, life is best viewed as a quest and adventure. Faith and a positive attitude are your greatest assets. You are likely to approach life in a grand way, excited by possibilities and certain of your right to experience them. Using your innate gifts of insight and perception gives you the ability to inspire and uplift others, helping them become the best that they can be by lighting the fire of meaning and purpose all around.

#astroworld #astrology #astrotips #libra rising #scorpio rising #sagittarius rising

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nightowlfandom · 3 years

Text

Min Yoongi- Humiliation Looks Good On You

Hey there! SO ANON ASKS

Hi I want to make a request with the prompts 10, 109, 110 with Yoongi please. I have a story in mind. Yoongi is a pretentious nerd, the best in college but also has some kind of hate relationship with y/n he really makes sure to make her feel humiliated cuz he gets turned on by doing it. but then he tries to make a move on her. Thank you.

So y’all just wanna be bullied by Yoongi, now? Ight bet! Damn Masochists! I like it tho-I’m assuming you want a happy ending to this, so that’s what I’ll be doing.

10- I think I’ll keep you as a pet! You’re fun to mess with.

109- Are you crying because of me? Hm…I didn’t realize I have that effect on you.

110- That’s daddy to you, sweetheart.

CHECKOUT MY MASTERLIST HERE!

Leggo!

Also hi yes, I used the name is kpop stars for your friends names,

Also humiliation, daddy stuff...IF ANYONE TREATS YOUY LIKE THIS YOU BETTER BREAK THEIR FUCKING FACE I SWEAR TO-

...

“Hey guys!” You greeted your friends as your rushed into the classroom.

“Hey babe!” Momo waved you over. “We saved you a seat! Irene was just telling us about her date last night!”

“Thanks.” You acknowledged Lisa and Hyuna who were also sitting. “What’s up?”

“Hyuna decided to be a mom and ruin my date!” Irene scoffed. “She scared him off!”

“You’ll thank me.” Hyuna waved her off, not bothered in the slightest.

“Sure.” Irene shook her head. Everyone laughed while you mustered up a sideways smile. “Y/N? Everything okay?”

“Oh..Y-yeah!” you shrugged. “I’m alright.”

“Bullshit.” Lisa scoffed. “I saw her hiding from Min and his cronies.”

“Min Yoongi?” Momo asked. “He’s still bothering you?”

“No! You guys it isn’t like that!”

Oh yes it was. The college golden boy who was both an academic genius and promising young performer. He thought because he was intelligent that everyone was beneath him. His plan A and plan B would more than likely workout.

“Y/N, do you need us to-”

“No!” You cut Hyuna off. “Don’t get involved or you’ll make it worse. Can’t we talk about the party tonight?”

“Ah, the biggest turn-up of the year!” Irene danced in her seat. “I have the entire house for the weekend.”

You, Hyuna, Lisa, Irene, and Momo were someone of the popular (but also super kind) girls. Every Semester you all hosted a party. You guys were notorious for throwing the best parties and this semester was no different.

“This is gonna go down in history!” Lisa smirked at the thought. “But if that tool starts something-”

Lisa didn’t like Yoongi....Lisa despised him with a passion. Mostly because he bullied you so much.

“Namjoon said that he’d behave.” Hyuna sighed. “Don’t know how much that means to you babe.” she put a hand on your shoulder.

“Speak of the devil.” Momo sighed, staring at the door.

Everyone knew than Yoongi tormented you. There was an endless array of mixed reactions.

“Hey Y/N.”

Don’t answer, don’t answer, don’t answer.

“Yo, leave her alone.” Hyuna warned.

“You gonna let your friends fight your battles?”

That alone made you whip your head around. “I don’t let anyone fight my battles!” you snapped, drawing the attention.

Before anything could go down, the teacher came inside.

“Hello class! Can anyone tell me what we were focused on last class?”

“We were getting into cliches and niches in romance novels.” You answered aloud. “We were talking about the Bully to Lover Archetype.”

“Very good Y/N.” the teacher praised you. “Now can someone tell me why we- and I would like to hear from the women on this...Why do you as women hate such a stigma.”

Your hand instantly shot in the air. “Yes Y/N?”

“Because it promotes the stigma that if a boy or man bullies you, it’s because he likes you. Which is extremely toxic to those with love self esteem because it makes them feel like they have to be ridiculed to be loved.” you said. “In my opinion any man who feels the need to degrade a woman is festering garbage.”

“Hm, interesting! Yes Mr.Min did you have something you wanted to add?”

“Yes, what my dear acquaintance Y/N fails to realize is most women actually like being teased-”

“Teased, not tormented you imbecile.” you snapped your head in Yoongi’s direction.

“Unless she’s a masochist.” he winked at you knowingly. ‘We don’t know why the male characters bully the females.”

“Because they have nothing better to do!” you replied as calmly as you could.

“...Well, women love the bad boys.”

“Women. Love. Respect.” you seethed.

“OOh a spicy debate!” the teacher noticed the tension. “In a way, you two are very similar to the characters we will be discussing!”

“Huh?” you turned back towards the teacher.

“Yes! The male bullied the female out of jealousy and spite and the female who is very outspoken, doesn’t allow herself to be insulted.”

“Out of spite, maybe. Jealousy, never.” Yoongi laughed.

What a smug bastard.

...(Later in another class)

“Good going Y/N” Yoongi walked up to your table where you were sitting with your friends. “Now the teacher thinks we have something going on.”

“None of that is my problem...mkay?” you raised an eyebrow. “Any other stupid comments and or questions you have for me?”

“Sure.” Yoongi scoffed. “Is it true that you had to work at one of those sleazy bars to pay off your student debts?”

“So what if she did?” Lisa seethed.

“Hm, maybe if she was smarter she could have gotten a scholarship. Unless the superintendent is one of her sugar daddies.” He laughed. “It’s amazing what some people will do for money So is it cash or connection?.”

That comment made everyone fall silent.

“You don’t know me Yoongi.”

“Oh but I do. That’s why you’re my pet...Do you want me to keep you as a pet, Y/N?”

“No.” your voice wavered.

“Are you crying because of me? Hm…I didn’t realize I have that effect on you. “

Yes, you had to work in a shitty bar as a waitress on some days and a bartender on other days. It wasn’t because you liked the attention. It was because those dirt-bags tipped you just for winking in their direction and you needed to pay off your debts.

But to insinuate that you had a sugar daddy....not that you judged anyone who did...the way he meant it...most likely meant something completely different.

“THAT’S IT!” Hyuna lunged from her seat and attempted to jump at Yoongi, age be damned. “IRENE LET ME FUCKING AT HIM.”

You didn’t notice the tears streaming down your face. In the midst of every boy in the classroom attempting to calm Hyuna down, you rose to your feet and exited the classroom. As soon as you were far enough, you bolted down the halls.

You kicked open the doors to the school and ran home. You would face the consequences later.

...(Meanwhile, back at school)

“Hey! I was just joking!” Yoongi burst out laughing.

“Not to us, it isn’t!” Momo barked, her bubbly and cheerful spirit was gone. “Y/N is struggling to make ends meet as it is and she doesn’t need you COMMENTING ON IT!”

“Not to mention, she’s one of the smartest girls in school!” Lisa sneered. “I bet she’d score circles around you if you actually looked at her test scores.”

“Its bad enough she won’t let us help her out, but now she sure as hell won’t let us help her now, no thanks to you!” Irene sighed.

“Oh Come on! You guys act like Y/N is some Miss Perfect!” Yoongi crossed his arms. “Is she really all that great?”

“If she wasn’t, why would you waste your time trying to bully her?” Hyuna finally calmed down. “You’re lucky that you’re friends with my boyfriend or else I swear you wouldn’t set foot at any of our parties.”

“Maybe the teacher was right. You’re just so jealous that Y/N wouldn’t give you the time of day that you turned to making fun of her to stroke your disgusting guy ego.” Momo crossed your arms. “I’m gonna go after her, she probably went home.”

“I’ll come with.” Lisa rose to her feet.

“I’ll get you guys the homework.” Irene nodded the two friends off. “And make sure Hyuna doesn’t kill someone.”

Momo and Lisa ran out of the school while Yoongi was standing there dumbstruck. For the first time, he was speechless.

...

“You guys, I really don’t wanna be here.” you sighed as the loud music deafened you and everyone within a five foot radius. “I don’t really wanna party...”

“You’re one of the hosts!” Irene sighed. “Enjoy your night! Come on! I heard Seokjin was just waiting to dance with you!”

Seokjin, the beautiful teaching assistant that any girl would kill to get their hands on. University life...Speaking of which, he must of sensed you were thinking of him because he sauntered over looking handsome as ever. He stared at you, a warm and friendly smile gracing his angelic face.

“Hey Y/N.” he smiled. “You look great.”

“Oh...Thank you Jin!” you smiled.

“I’ll leave you two to it.” Irene nudged you before sauntering off, belting the song at the top of her lungs. “WHOSE READY TO PARTY!”

You were left with Jin who was smiling knowingly at you. “Hey...I heard about today.”

“I don’t have a sugar daddy and I am NOT a sleaze!” you cut him off sharply. “If that’s what you’re here for, then-”

“Hey Y/N!” he put his hands up in defense. “I was just gonna say what he said about you wasn’t cool at all. Everyone is giving him hell for it.”

“Oh...thanks I guess. Sorry.” you looked down sheepishly.

“Hey...You wanna dance?” Jin motioned over to the dancefloor. He noticed your hesitance. “Come on...it’ll be fun. If anyone gives you trouble, just focus on me.”

You nodded, allowing a smile to cross your face again. You grabbed his hand and ran over to the dancefloor.

From a distance, Yoongi was watching. He was drinking a beer. He glared potholes at Seokjin who had his arms protectively wrapped around your waist. You looked genuinely happy. It made him mad. Since when and why were you and him so chummy?

He decided to do something about it, so he put his drink down and marched over.

“Yo! Jin! Hyuna said she needed your help with something school related.” he made up some lame excuse. Knowing Jin, he’d probably believed it anyways.

“Oh...Okay. Be right back Y\N!” he smiled at you which you returned. Your smiled was quickly replaced with a frown when Yoongi and you were left alone. He perked up an eyebrow and held out his hand.

You would have slapped it away, but Promiscuous By Nelly Furtado suddenly began playing.

“Come on....” he winked. You begrudgingly took his only only to be yanked towards him. Unlike Seokjin, when he wrapped his arms around you it feel uneasy.

“ I think I’ll keep you as a pet! You’re fun to mess with. “ he whispered in your ear. His body felt hard and cold, yet you moved so effortlessly with him.

“I’m nobody’s pet.” you snapped.

“You’re mine.” he leaned forward and whispered in your ear. “Otherwise you would have killed me by now.”

“Still debating.” you laughed dryly. “You’ll always be a pain in my ass...”

You broke away from his embrace to dance on your own. Working at a bar, the other girls taught you how to dance. The only positive to come out of working at a shithole like that, plus the tips you got just for smiling at someone. Yoongi took note of this. What happened to the timid little victim he loved to poke fun at.

You almost looked like you could hold your own.

“GO Y/N!” Momo yelled while dancing with her own date.

As you turned back around, getting closer to Yoongi again, your eyes met. Things fell silent between you two as you took a step back. You had to get out of there before you did something you would regret.

You wound up running into a random room in the mansion, struggling for air. Absolutely not! No way! You were not falling for Yoongi.

“Jin is so kind and sweet and Yoongi is the reason I don’t wanna go to school. Hell no.” you seethed.

“Is that how you feel?”

Yoongi stood at the door, raising an eyebrow at you.

“Yes! I hate you!” you could feel everything welling up inside you as you met his gaze again. “I hate you so much that I wish you would-”

“Wish I would what? Drop dead? Drop out of school, leave you alone?” he cut you off with a harsh tone. “Tell me how you really feel!”

“Make your move or shut the fuck up!” you gave your answer.

You knew good and well Yoongi had a reason for doing this, you just figured you would give it your best guess. This caused Yoongi to raise an eyebrow. You almost regretted opening your mouth when Yoongi stormed over and grabbed you by the waist. He crashed his mouth over yours, claiming you in a kiss.

You felt him tangle your hair in his fist, keeping you in place. You tangled your hands in his hair.

Imagine, the schools bully and the girl he’s tormented since he met her, in such a compromising position.

You were two focused on Yoongi pinning you to the bed to worry about it though.

“You are such a-”

“ Ah ah ah~...That’s daddy to you, sweetheart.”

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mantistog · 3 years

Note

I was wondering if you can take a request for Yandere! Hannibal x reader x Yandere! Will Graham where the reader is very cold hearted so she always rejects Hannibal and Will and so they start killing for her like courtship and they eventually kidnap her and tell her they killed those people for her? Sorry if it’s long and I love your writings keep up the good work!

Bit different than what you wrote, sorry lol. I often get caught up writing, although I hope you still like it. <3

_________________________________________________________

Yandere!Hannibal Lecter x Reader x Yandere!Will Graham: Devotion

The first time you rejected them you had been dealing with a sizzling headache for most of the day. It was the kind of headache that spread through the top of your head to the bridge of your nose and to the edge of your neck, making your head heavy and unbearable. The kind of headache that renders you desperate for relief and makes you question if life is even worth it at all. So to say you were irritable was an understatement. They could not have chosen a worse time to try and court you with dinner and fake kindness.

At first it seemed they had thought your coldness and rejection was a symptom of your vicious headache or your bad mood following it. In reality you were just not at all interested in being part of a weird three way relationship, much less their toxic and gross partnership. The only way to describe it was codependent. It seemed Hannibal loved when people needed him. Or maybe he liked the control that came with someone being under him and having complete control. He did seem like the control freak type. Will on the other hand seemed he needed someone to make him stable. Someone to just handle him, even when he can’t handle himself.

You needed neither, and you definitely didn’t want it. No one needed to give you a role to make you feel worth something and you didn’t need to define yourself by anyone you chose to date. You were not interested in any aspect of their sick love. Maybe if you had told them that that day instead of telling them politely to fuck off, they would have understood. The next time they had asked you out, it was when you bumped into them by accident. What for you had forgotten, but you needed flowers. Maybe it was a funeral, or maybe it was one of your friends' birthdays. You had never been good with gifts, always giving people things you’d liked. The flower you had chosen was a large bouquet of sunflowers, a big beautiful one that went well with the season. Sunflowers were your favourite, too. When you had bumped into them you had accidentally let that slip, when Hannibal had asked what occasion called for sunflowers. He had always looked far too deep into everything, making him too pretentious for your liking. Who cared if the flower was wrong for the occasion, if it was pretty?

Either way you had told them in exact words that whatever they were trying to invite you to was not going to happen, and you were not in any way interested in any of them. Hannibal had of course tried to goat you into coming for dinner as a ‘friend’. Will was less tactful, seeming rather distraught. You disagreed, your patience thin. You simply walked away without even a goodbye. A lot of your friends would call you cold, or mean. To you it just meant you didn’t lie or deal with peoples shit. You were okay with being called cold if it meant you didn’t have to bother with putting up fake courtesies.

When the pictures of the body came to you a few months later, you had completely forgotten the interaction. They had seemed much less pushy in their pursuit and you had to some degree even forgotten they had even tried to court you. In some way, the body was beautiful. The way the skin seemed so pale, like porcelain, matched so well with the vibrant yellow of the flowers. The body wasn’t even the focus of the masterpiece, it was the canvas for which the sunflowers were painted. The body was perched on a set of antlers, and it made you think it must have been the chesapeake ripper.

But the motive was so different. Violation, cannibalism and the act of murder was always what you saw on the crime scenes from him. But this was not anything violent in nature itself. There was barely any blood anywhere on the body, it looked barely touched. She was almost alive, if it was not for the paleness and cold of her skin. Some of it looked even blue. You wondered what Will would gather of the body, if he would come to the same conclusion as you.

You were surprised when he claimed it to be a love proclamation, yet still insisted that it was the ripper. Will knew better than you, when it came to all this, so you didn’t bother arguing with him. He insisted something must have changed in the ripper's life. That he must have found someone or something worth his art. It seemed almost unlikely to you, that someone like the ripper could be possible of love. Jack seemed to agree with you, which at least put your mind at ease.

It wasn’t long before the next body turned up, in the same state as the last. So well preserved it was eerie. The body was exactly the same as the last, but the sunflowers were backed by bouquets of flowers. Just like with the last body, you didn’t connect the dots. But you still briefly thought about how pretty it was. You loved all those flowers, and you had to stop yourself from letting that thought fester. It would be too morbid to find it beautiful.

Bodies kept turning up like that, so different but all so similar too. And after the 4th one you started to notice a pattern of the things the bodies were adorned with and that it was all things you found nice. But the 5th drove it home, putting it just beyond a coincidence for you. Just a week before the body turned up you had an altercation with your neighbor about a noise complaint after you had some friends over. You were complaining about it for a week, the fact that you didn’t see him again didn’t even cross your mind. You were too busy being caught up in your own spite to notice his absence at all. Until you saw the pictures of his body. Unlike the almost artistic and beautiful vision portrayed through the previous bodies, this one was malicious and predatory like the other victims of the ripper.

It was like the pictures snapped you back to reality. All those bodies, it was all too close to home. You hadn’t asked for this. All you had done was complain. You went home early that day, overcome with a sense of guilt. You stayed home the next day too, calling in sick. You kept going over who it could be in your life. Will had deemed the killing proclamations of love, yet you couldn’t find one person who had shown any kind of interest in you. That was until you remembered the rejections. The lead was so thin, that you honestly felt bad for even thinking about it, but it was quickly squashed when you thought about it further. You had always found Hannibal creepy and probably capable of murder. And Will was unstable to the point where you didn’t even question his capabilities.

You went back to work as normal after that. You made sure not to say anything personal, or complain about anyone when Hannibal or Will came near you. It went pretty smooth, and while everything was laying dormant in their relationship and your mind, you focused on trying to come up with a plan to see if it was them. But as mundanity rolled back into your life, you started chatting with your coworkers the same as you always had. And you made a mistake. You hadn’t even noticed Will was in the room as your back faced the doorway of the breakroom talking about a guy you had met at your local cafe. You were interested in him. It wasn’t often you were, and you had just let it slip in excitement. You didn’t even notice until you got spooked by a cough behind you that he had been there the whole time, pouring coffee. You fretted going home that day, scared of what would happen.

You couldn’t remember exactly when you had fallen asleep, but you woke up feeling really tired and stiff, with the faintest of headaches growing in the back of your skull. Yet you felt nice, pulling the duvet closer to your face to try and put pressure on your head and alleviate some of the headache. The duvet was soft, and it smelled faintly of manly cologne. A cologne that wasn’t yours. Suddenly the gears in your head turned, and you shot upright, looking around suspiciously. The room is unfamiliar to you, but at the end of the bed you see Will, asleep. He’s sitting on the floor, propped up on the bed with his hands reaching upwards towards you, his face down on the sheets. He looks almost cute, like that. You almost consider waking him, to talk to him about this, but you quickly decide not to. Could you even make it to the door without him waking?

You look over at the half open door, at the other side of the room from the bed. But before you can even calculate the chances of your escape the door opens further, creaking in the process and startling Will awake. Hannibal is looking at you with a smile, and your blood runs cold at how creepy and insincere it is. Will scrambles to stand up, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring up at you. His expression was so emotional, mixed with both pity and something akin to happiness. He looks like he is approaching one of his wild dogs, moving very slow and cautiously.

“Why?” Is all you manage to ask, when in reality you probably had hundreds of questions you wanted to ask them. But you don’t manage to eliquate a good question. It prompts Hannibal to step into the room fully, and you can now see that he is whipping his hands with a small cloth, indicating he was probably making something in his kitchen, like he always did. He cocks his head confused and Will scoots himself closer again. “That’s a very broad question. You’re going to have to reconvey.” Hannibal says. Your mouth scrunches up as the fake smile appears back on his face. It’s obvious you’re displeased, and you can’t help but grow a bit hostile.

“Why am I here? Why do you murder innocent people? Why am I alive?” You snap, looking at them with pure anger. It feels good, to finally tell them off again. Hannibal's fake smile drops, and he opens his mouth to reply but Will is already sitting by you, grabbing your hands in his. You’re too stunned to say anything. “We did it for you, can’t you see?” He pleads. But no, you still don’t understand. You will never understand. All you can feel at this point is exasperation. “You’re crazy. Neither of you even know what love means.”

Will smiles, bringing your hands closer to his face, despite you half heartedly pulling them away. He kisses your knuckles gently.

“Breakfast is ready.” Hannibal says, as if everything is normal. As if you’re not kidnapped. As if you’re not the cause of over 5 dead people.

As if you love them.

#Yandere! will graham #Yandere!Will #Yandere!Will graham x reader #yandere!hannibal #Yandere! Hannibal lecter #Yandere!Hannibal lecter x reader #Yandere x reader #hannibal x reader #hannibal lecter x reader #will graham x reader

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opalsdarkreadings · 3 years

Text

𝗝𝘂𝗷𝘂𝘁𝘀𝘂 𝗸𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗻: 𝗛𝘂𝗴𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x reader

Warning: small dose of angst.

Notes: okay laying off the depression for this one....just a tiny droplet of minor depression that all. But mostly fluffy. I completely forget to write this on his correct birthday sooo...happy belated birthday for this dork

He was late...again.

Honestly, you don’t even know why you try at this point, you’re relationship with a certain white-haired male, had reached its breaking point. The arguing, lying, fights, it was getting too much. But the thought of letting each other go pained you both, more than the other could ever know. The fear of loneliness kept striking you each time the thought wiggles it’s way to your mind

Maybe that why you kept clinging to him? Your own selfish need for companionship allowing for these toxic thoughts to fester. There was no love yet you though..just maybe you could revise it. Save it before the boat you both sailed on, sank and became claimed by the sea. Y/n lets their gaze land over the bag of sweets and cake, sitting quite depressingly over the counter. A heavy sigh leaving your lips. “10:59..” you mumble

He’s wasn’t coming..

You checked over your phone, looking over the few messages, left by you; however, there was no reply from your lover...could you even call him that at this point? Feeling tears swell at your eyes you hurry and stand from the couch marching to the bathroom. It was over..finally done, no matter how much you try to look back in it seem only the memories of anguish and sadness seem to show up. You couldn’t even remember the last time you told each other I love you.

“It’s for the best....yeah for the best.” The rushing sound of water-filled your ears but it felt muffled, quiet even. You felt so alone, you just wanted to make him happy. To remove that heavy load off his shoulders. Your efforts were futile, the more you struggle, the harder you plead to be by his side. Nothing you did seem to work. That wall standing tall, taunting your efforts to break down its defense. You’ll never reach his heart, so why try? You’re only gonna end up more hurt then what you already are.

God, you were such an idiot, that bastard probably never really did anything special on his birthday. Throwing this little apology birthday party wasn’t going to mend anything. Honestly how stupid could you get?

“S/o?” With a short gasp, you turn behind you. The man of the hour standing by the door frame. His body nearly having to bend slightly to enter it. “I heard the water running...did you leave all that for me on the table?” Gojo asked, hands shoved in his pockets as he spoke. The dark sunglasses shielding his eyes.

Glancing off to the side, you bite your lip, “Y-yeah..I..I left it there for you..” Your words trembling off your lips as you kept your gaze from meeting his. Silence hung in the air, the tensions so heavy it felt like the room was getting smaller. Time pass before you finally broke the silence

“Satoru...I don’t want to do this anymore...I’m so tired. The fighting the arguing, the lying it’s so much I hate it!” Your voice cracked you stopped yourself. “I’m sorry...I just want us to go back to normal, I’ll stop asking questions, I’ll stop with the attitude, the bickering...just...I just want us to try and figure this out.” The tears that fell from their cheek, had Gojo's heart squeezing with sadness.

He never wanted it to come to this, he just wanted to protect you. Yet al his efforts seem to further divide you both. He knew he needed to explain, but at what cost? If you knew would you still want him, or would it all go down the drain. He’s hesitated so many times when it came to you. He’s not one for beating around the bush, but when it came to the matters of the heart. He’s been playing this game of ring around for while.

He wanted to end this game as much as you did. Wanting you back in his arms, smiling at him like you use to. Those feelings of love still sat inside of him. No matter how hard he tried, he was never able to find the right words to ease the growing tensions between the both of you. His mind cloudy and his throat refusing to push out the words he wanted.

When he looked over your crying face, his mind began to fog again, his words dancing on his tongue disappeared and he was at a loss. Taking a deep breath he just let his instincts kick in, he needed you, and right now you needed him too.

Your eyes were blurred by the tears, but you felt something warm enveloping you. Gojo arms wrapped securely around your frame and embrace you tightly. His chin resting atop of your head as a heavy sigh left to past his lips. At first, you stiffen and he thought again he had ruined the moment until you leaned back in him. Small sniffles behind heard from you as you both embrace one another.

A small gesture to an outside, but for the both of you, it felt like a thousand words were being said.

“I love you Satoru, I do..” you mumble into his chest. A small warm smile made its way to his lips and he forced you to look at him. His finger hooked under your chin as he pressed both of your foreheads together. “It’s not much, but I tried to get you things I knew you like..” you told him, opting to close your eyes and just relish in each other’s company.

He shakes his head and pressed a simple kiss to your lips, “You’re the best gift that could ever be presented to me, not a single mochi could compare.”

You chuckle at his sweet words and raise your hand to his cheek. When you gaze back up to him, you’re met with a pair of stunning blue orbs staring back at you. Nothing but love and admirations being reflecting in them. It made your heart skip and the feeling of butterflies flutter inside your tummy, something you’ve been longing to feel for these past few months

“Happy birthday Satoru..”

#jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo saturo #jujutsu kaisen angst #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen oneshot

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some-dr-writings · 3 years

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Nagito and Hajime’s S/O comes out as asexual

Nagito Komaeda:

· You felt so guilty. You liked Nagito, you really liked him and was so excited when you got together, but… You never told him you were asexual, and that would probably be something important down the line. You felt like you started this relationship with a lie. You wanted to tell him, you really did, but… what if he told you, you were lying, or that you’d like it if you tried it, or any number of statements you had heard dozens of times over from others. Or maybe even if he was fine with it, he didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to do that kind of stuff with him. You knew you would be better off not with someone like that, but… it was still hard to get yourself to say it, you still liked him.

· ‘Hey, Y/N want to have a dinner date this weekend?’ You just kept staring at that text, not knowing how to answer. You hated this. This guilt had only festered and grew and now there you were, laying in bed, desperately trying to choke back the tears. You couldn’t keep doing this. You kept starting texts only to immediately delete them, eventually though you did get some words down, but you just dropped your phone. And you just hugged yourself, the thousands of awful possibilities running rampant through your mind.

· …

· … Then you heard a knocking coming from the front door. You took a deep breath, wiping the tears from your eyes and cheeks before tossing off the quilt and making your way for the door. With a click you undid the lock, opening that old door finding- “Nagito?” “Are you alright? You said you wanted to talk but then just stopped responding.” “Ah-that… Uh, why don’t you come in and make yourself comfortable?” It must have sent when you dropped the phone. Well… it was better now than never.

· “Do you want, uh… water, tea, coffee or, something?” “… I’d like to know why you look like you’ve been crying.” You flinched back at those gentle words. You bit your tongue, scared to speak, feeling your heart pound against your rib-cage, fearful that it very well would just burst out. “Ah… I…… i-i’m sorry.” “Y/N!?” You buried your face into your hands. “i… i-I’m… is sex important to you? Is that something you want from me? i-is it bad I’m asexual? That I don’t want those things? I should have told you sooner, I should have, I should have, I’m so sorry. I feel like I’ve lied to you and I don’t want to do that, I’m so sorry.” Your breath quaked as your guilt-ridden tears just came pouring out. Unsure of what to do Nagito hesitantly placed a hand on your back, slowly running it up and down your spine, the motion calming you eventually.

· “… Is this why you’ve been so distant lately?” “… You noticed that?” “Yeah, I thought I did something to upset you.” “OH! No, No, no, nonononononononononononononono, you did NOTHING wrong, you’ve been great while i… I…” You sighed thinking back how more and more you had just been holding yourself up in your room. “I’ve been awful to you, not telling you sooner. It’s not even something I figured out recently, I knew from the beginning, so I should have told you sooner so if sex is important to you, you didn’t have to waste you time with me, you could find someone more compatible with you.” “I’m not sure anyone can be compatible with trash, but I can’t imagine being with anyone but you.” “But… sex is everywhere in media, isn’t it important to others? To you?” “I’d only want to do that if you want to, and if you don’t want to we don’t do it. I’m fine with that. Just as long as you’d be with me, this is not a deal breaker.” “… oh Nagito.” You hugged him as tightly as you could just… so overwhelmed and unsure of how to react to Nagito being so calm and relaxed about this while you were stressing over this since you first got together. Maybe… even if it was scary you needed to just speak of your feelings and not bottle them all up.

Hajime Hinata:

· Hajime absolutely loved you, you were his irreplaceable partner. After all the madness of the world ending and the whole NEO World Program debacle, he was especially attached to you; nothing extreme or toxic, more so being isolated on several tropical islands with few others meant he had a lot of free time on his hands, time he preferred to spend with you above anything else. When the others were not causing some sort of chaos to clean up after he’d go on dates with you. Though there was plenty to do on the islands, sometimes everything felt boring so he’d suggest something more off the wall like skinny dipping in the ocean! What mattered was being with you, but on occasion it was fun to spice things up with something unexpected.

· He started to notice something though. You seemed to reject affection. Not all the time though, but sometimes when he was giving you kisses, you’d back off or gently place you hand over his mouth, getting him to stop. Other times when hugging or cuddling you’d roll away or take his hands off you. None of it was bad, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized it was happening more and more lately, even when you went to bed when he’d go to cuddle you sometimes you’d keep a distance, sticking to the edge of the bed or place a pillow between the pair of you.

· And it was another such night where this happened, Hajime had you in his arms, then you rolled over, you back to him. “… Y/N, am I doing something wrong?” “Huh? I thought you were asleep.” He tried stifling a yawn, not wanting the action to draw his heavy eyelids even lower. “No, not yet. But are you okay?” You flipped over to face him, looking rather tired yourself. “Yeah, I’m fine… Anything worrying you though?” “Yeah.” He took one of your hands, interlacing your fingers together with a firm squeeze. “Do I make you uncomfortable sometimes?” “Ah, so you noticed… Sometimes.” You nuzzled into your pillow, a feeble attempt to shy away and not see him, the concern etched into his features, only accentuated by the soft moon light that shone through the window’s blinds. “What is it, what do I do exactly?” “…” You sighed, burrowing your face further into the pillow for a moment, feel like you were completely alone as to collect yourself. “… It… it’s not you, you don’t do anything wrong, you’re great even… it’s entirely on me.” Squeezing your hand again, with his thumb Hajime lightly stroked you, the soft, rhythmic feeling placing your aching heart at ease a little. “I’m… worried about things going to far. Like… I’m asexual. I love being with you, but the thought of sex just repulses me. So when things go on for to long or your hands wander, I get worried that you might want to do it so I try to stop you before that can happen, but… this… this really isn’t fair to you… I’m sorry.”

· Suddenly everything clicked together in Hajime’s mind fitting perfectly together like a jigsaw puzzle. Then you chuckled? “Y/N?” “Sorry, but you have the same face you did when figuring out things in the trials. When not in a scary situation it looks kind of silly.” “Silly?” He smiled, adoring seeing how relaxed you were. “Is it okay to hug you?” “Yeah.” Eagerly he wrapped his arms around you, making sure his hands were nowhere near certain places. “What about you? What do you think of all this?” Giving you a kiss to the bridge of your nose took the last of his strength, drowsiness fogging his mind. “Let’s talk about this when we’re more awake, alright? Just know we’re okay, and I’m okay. You don’t have anything to worry about.” He melted in your touch, feeling you hug him back. It was always so relaxing to be in your embrace. For the first time it felt like he could truly indulge in your affection without you drawing away. He just loved this, and he loved you.

#nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #nagito x reader #hajime x reader #Mod Gundham #danganronpa #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa2 #Super Danganronpa 2 #danganronpa imagine #danganronpa imagines #danganronpa 2 imagine #danganronpa 2 imagines #dr imagine #dr imagines #dr 2 imagine #dr 2 imagines #danganronpa x reader

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earthlingschat · 3 years

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WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND?

“You will repeat the relationships you had with your dysfunctional parent (s) until you decide to heal yourself.” - @motherless.mothering

Earthlings Chat discussions are sacredly designed for mental, emotional & spiritual breakthrough, realization or discussion. My intentions for episodes of #EarthlingsChat are compassionate and open minded: I do not encourage anyone to bash or selfishly berate others, families, or anybody’s struggles or truths during or after watching this content. For free episodes of #earthlingsChat please feel free to follow & support the movement on my Instagram at: www.instagram.com/anikawilmore

May we look within and beyond, forgive, and remain strong willed & empowered.

Today I’m going to be discussing something that may hit close to home, but I am feeling it’s important I open up this conversation in a society that does not necessarily open up about topics of this nature due to shame, pain, embarrassment, a fear of judgement, or perhaps you’ve just chosen to stay quiet in your healing process, and that’s totally ok too. But I want to assure you, this is a safe place to be. You are not alone. Every human being on earth has their own whirlwind of issues going on, life is up, it’s down, and that is valid. I just wanted an opportunity to come together on this platform to support each other beyond the smoke, the mirrors, the smiles, the “I’ve got it made” mentality. So thank you for showing up. So, Mother’s Day is next weekend and this is a holiday we utilize to celebrate so many amazing mother’s who work incredibly hard to protect to provide and show unconditional support and love for their children: being a mother, married or single isn’t something that is a walk in the park: to be a mother is a responsibility, it’s a treasure, it’s a experience. I salute the ladies who do all they can for their children while having to also take care of themselves, a home, bills etc. But it’s a rarity we ever discuss mother’s who are not present, damaging, and even in some cases, more than you may realize, ultimately don’t enjoy being mother’s/never planned on becoming mother’s... Now let’s go ahead and dive into today’s topic: What exactly is the maternal/mother wound? In my own words, the mother’s wound originates from the mothers mother, who inherited this unhealed wound from her own mother’s mother, and her mother, which in turn can and will subconsciously impact our women’s sons and especially their daughters in many different ways/avenues. This wound may come to begin to bleed at the most influential and youngest age of a daughter or a son: the moment you are cut from your mother’s lifeline/umbilical cord.... clearly due to the fact that the mother’s entire being is after all, your delivery ferry into the physical earth plane. It is your intensely grand entrance into this experience we are all currently learning and constantly navigating. The wombman (explain this) is our first major influence. She is truly our very first provider, our first recognition of what life is. Definition of the WOMBman - is a spiritual connection between women and the womb. ... Wombman is the divine woman, the female, connecting with herself / oneself to the very core of her womb who is spiritually growing, retaining powerful knowledge and learning or awakening to recognizing her true essence. Becoming a mother allows you to obtain the power of the gift of holding life in her hands : this is a conquering, taxing journey. She is a mother, a sister, a cousin, an aunt.

I’ve created a scale of responses with a simple sequence of numbers: 1, 2, and 3: 1= Never/does not apply , 2= Sometimes , 3= Felt this way mostly/all the time. Feel free to share your answer as we go along, this is a safe space and any bullying or criticism of someone else you will be asked to leave or you will be removed.

Q/S. You felt as if you could never reach the standard set for you specifically by your mother.

Q/S. Your mother isn’t or wasn’t there for you on an emotional level.

Q/S. You’ve confided personal things to your mother you wouldn’t share with just anyone, only to later have it thrown back at you in a disagreement, manipulated and reconstrued just to really hurt your feelings.

Q/S. You yourself have set weak boundaries in friendships or relationships.

Q/S. You’ve always attempted to reach a level of perfectionism to gain your mother’s attention, approval or acceptance.

Q/S. You’ve had a hard time saying no to your mother on many, if not all occasions.

Q/S. Let’s say you happily ran a few errands for your mother, but you were truly not able to run the last due to a time confliction: If you do not/did not just do one favor for her, would she resort to an unnecessary level of anger....?

Now, I’d like you to begin to add up your answers to determine the final number. Please, feel free to keep the grand total to yourself to protect your privacy unless you’d really like to share your answers amongst us, but this is really just for you: The higher the number, the more I want you to recognize, and you are not obligated to agree.... That you may be in a toxic relationship with your mother. When does this separation, this neglect, this lack of compassion begin? The mother wound has been defined as an injury which was inflicted on a child’s psyche, a subconscious disruption. In many cases it varies as to how this wound gradually festers: it could be due to a mother being totally absent, a lack of unavailability, or perhaps even a complex amount of injuries unseen to the human eye that have been inflicted on the child for years and years. Perhaps favoritism of a child's sibling, an unspoken jealousy that is only shown through action or manipulation. This wound can also show up in your life as: avoiding conflict to keep the peace, feeling responsible for other people’s happiness, lack of love for yourself, mental health struggles (addiction, depression, anxiety), struggle to maintain boundaries, dismissing your own pain, I personally feel like many more people are going through this than we realize. Acknowledging your mother - wound is the first step into your personal path of healing. I feel like many of you may be going through this silently. This wound is not rare.... It’s very very deep rooted. & I’m here for you.

#earthlings chat #anika wilmore #education #toxic parents #mother wound #spiritual journey #breakthroughs #open mindedness #spiritual blog

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randomoranges · 3 years

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sometimes fights happen. the last of the relationship arch and technically the first. would come before Jello and Relationship Status: conjoint you don’t need to have read the others.

Apology [Accepted]

20XX

They’re out and about, Étienne bringing him on his usual whirlwind visit of the city, not wanting him to miss out on anything going on during his time here. It’s been an overall pleasant day and they’ve taken a small break to enjoy a treat on one of the many terasses the city has to offer. They’re sitting close, Étienne having no real notion of what personal space is, and Edward finds he doesn’t mind. It’s nice and he likes that Étienne hasn’t put up his usual guard. His boyfriend has been regaling him with some bodacious tale, when he is interrupted, halfway through, when another person comes up to them.

“Étienne?!” The person says, astounded and surprised to find him here.

Étienne automatically puts some space between them, as if suddenly aware of where he is and Edward watches as his boyfriend’s eyes grow wide and a grin etches itself on his face, “Oh mon Dieu, Malik, allô! Ça fait longtemps!”

There’s the usual exchange of kisses on cheeks and pats on the back, followed by catching up on the latest. Edward watches, from the corner of his eyes, as Étienne once more seems to know everyone he runs into and something starts stirring inside of him that he can’t quite name.

“Aye, scuse, j’avais pas vu qu’t’étais avec quelqu’un.” Malik says and both of them turn towards him and Edward offers a polite smile and wave.

“Oui, c’est mon ami, Édouard, yé-t-en visite pour encore une semaine!” Étienne beams and Edward – Edward stills, that one word ringing and repeating itself over and over and over again as an ugly, long forgotten voice returns to whisper fears in his mind, feeding off the feeling from before.

He tries to ignore it, makes polite chit-chat with Malik until they leave, but the word festers and colours his mood. He remains quiet as Étienne picks up their previous conversation and his mood only sours as the rest of the afternoon progresses.

He thought – he had dared to think that things were different now.

He supposes he’d been very wrong.

Étienne would never change. He isn’t sure why he’s surprised.

Of course, despite everything Étienne had told him – the confessions and the promises and the affirmations – it had meant nothing. They were only words. Étienne didn’t really like him. They were only words to make him feel better. To dupe him into a lie. He was and is just Some Friend. Some idiot Étienne keeps around for when he’s bored. A simple ami. Not a boyfriend. Not even a vulgar chum.

Un ami. A friend. Nothing fucking more.

Étienne probably is ashamed of him. Humours him by having him over. Even now, after all these years. He doesn’t know why he thought otherwise – why he believed Étienne when he’d told him the contrary.

How stupid of him. How utterly naïve.

He deserves this, really. Deserves to be mocked when the signs had all been there, really. Everyone had told him that Étienne only played games. He’d been blind to them is all.

Eventually, Étienne quiets down himself, realising that Edward’s enthusiasm has withered and the rest of the afternoon is a quiet sullen thing. They head back to Étienne’s place afterwards and Étienne lets him be for a moment, while he tends to Mercury and it’s only later, that he goes out of his way to find him and sits beside him.

“Alright, are you going to tell me what’s eating you or are you going to be a miserable old sack for the rest of the evening?” Étienne sounds a little annoyed and Edward thinks it’s a good thing. He wants him to be annoyed. Wants him to stew and be miserable. Just like he feels now.

“It’s fine. It’s nothing you should concern yourself with. I’m just a friend, after all. No one important.”

Étienne gives him a look as though he’s been slapped in the face, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Hell, he even sounds insulted.

Edward sighs, annoyed and frustrated because why would Étienne have the decency of understanding? “I don’t know, you tell me!”

Étienne blinks, clearly confused, “What are you talking about?”

“Can’t believe I have to spell it out for you, but then again, I suppose I also shouldn’t be surprised about this either. After all, you’re the one who dismissed me as your friend earlier, when your friend came to chat you up.”

“You mean Malik? What the hell else was I supposed to call you? Was that too much?” Now, even Étienne sounds annoyed and it’s evident from the way his eyebrows are knit close together and the tightness of his mouth.

“Your boyfriend! Or are you that ashamed of me?!” He finally near yells.

Étienne looks at him, surprised. He remains quiet and simply looks. Edward is a little unnerved, but even more so when Étienne lets out a dark and bitter sounding laugh.

“Oh this is fucking rich coming from you, Murphy.”

“What’s that even supposed to mean?”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me, clearly. How the fuck was I supposed to know I could call you that to others when you’ve spent decades avoiding anyone seeing us even walk down a street together in broad daylight!”

There’s a small voice – very small and very annoying – at the back of his head that tells him Étienne has a point, however Edward ignores it and instead charges on, politeness be damned.

“Well maybe if you had given me some inkling of a sign that you were into me I would have let you!”

“Please, you were so far buried into your closet that even your precious Gretzky coming out and fucking you wouldn’t have been enough.”

He’s aware they’re both going for where it hurts. That they’re using their own deep and buried hurt as a weapon and that they should stop. However, there is something raw that has been unearthed and there seems to be no going back at this point.

“Of course it’s my fucking fault! You’re too perfect and self-centered to have any flaws.”

“What does that have to do with the fact that I didn’t know you were okay with me telling people you’re my boyfriend? You never let me know! You’re still not comfortable with PDA! I was trying to be nice, for Christ’s sake!”

“Yeah, well, it looked more like you were ashamed to be seen in public with me!”

Étienne scoffs loudly and rolls his eyes at him, “Me? Ashamed of you? Please, it’s always felt like the other way around! I’ve been trying to reach out for you for decades. You’re the one who pushed back and would swat my hand away. And I figured, fine, you weren’t out, whatever. So I kept my hands to myself and didn’t say anything. And even now. I don’t know what you’re comfortable with, so excuse me for fucking wanting to give you space and not knowing what the fuck was actually going on in your head.” Étienne makes to get up and most likely get some air, but Edward isn’t done. He’s not letting Étienne walk away.

“What the hell?! You can’t honestly believe I was ashamed of you! Why the fuck else would I keep coming back here to see you?”

“Because I was convenient! An easy escape! You said so yourself! It was easy for you to come here and be whomever. I could have been literally anyone else and it wouldn’t have changed anything.”

Edward wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all and nearly does. “Of course it was convenient,” He starts and cuts Étienne off before he can go on again, “You were-are my friend so it made it easier. But not because of the reasons you believe.”

They both fall quiet and stare at each other, an impasse being more or less reached. Eventually, Étienne runs a hand over his face, after removing his glasses and cleans them off his shirt before putting them back on. He takes a deep breath and then sags a little against the couch.

“So, are you telling me that we both got worked up over some giant misunderstanding and you actually don’t mind me telling people you’re my boyfriend now?” He sounds a little tired, as if this issues has been plaguing his mind for years and Edward feels, for the first time since this whole debacle has started, that they might finally be back on the same page.

“Something like that... And yes, I don’t mind. I should have told you.” He says a little quieter, a little calmer.

“And I should’ve asked.”

They look at each other, hazel meeting green, and it’s a timid understanding that is reached. One formed over embarrassment and apology.

“I think there are still things we need to discuss.” He doesn’t want this to happen again. For as much as he doesn’t mind clearing the air, he also doesn’t want to hurt Étienne.

“You mean there are still issues we’re carrying around that could blow up at any time in some toxic way and threaten the foundation of what we have?” Étienne says, mock surprised as he brings a hand to his chest, feigning shock. Edward lets out a puff of air that forms into a little laugh.

“Yeah, something like that.” He reaches over for Étienne’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “I was never ashamed of you. Honestly and I’m sorry if you thought that.”

Étienne twines their fingers together and if his grip is a little tight, Edward doesn’t mention it.

“I know. Logically, I know that. I guess, hearing you say that woke up some old fear inside of me... an old insecurity. We do need to discuss this. I’m sorry – for what I said and hurting your feelings. I’m not ashamed of you. I’ve never been ashamed of you either.” Étienne tentatively scoots closer and Edward carefully places an arm around him, letting Étienne put his head down on his shoulder. He notices a bit of tension ebb away from Étienne’s face and finally, he feels that this too will come to be solved with time.

FIN

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #fic #projocanondoko

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gtgrandom · 4 years

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Beck and Jade: Toxicity

Alright kiddos. With the resurgence of Victorious, I’ve seen a lot of new and old viewers idolizing this relationship, and while I 100% support your decision to ship what you want to ship, we need to acknowledge some of the red flags in this relationship and talk about why it shouldn’t be #goals. I’ve seen too many teens talking about how realistic these two are (which is insane given the show’s comedic exaggeration) and how they want to embody everything Jade is as a woman, and my heart dies a bit.

I know how annoying it is to see false accusations of an “abusive” couple by a non-psychologist simply because someone doesn’t ship it. And yeah, I realize this is a kid’s show designed to entertain. But I also realize what impact television has on the youth and their expectations of love. So I want to set some things straight.

Hot take: You can still enjoy the show while recognizing what a healthy relationship looks like.

First, let’s talk about aspects that WERE healthy:

1. Open Communication

These two felt so “real” because they would confront each other directly about behavior they didn’t approve of, things that annoyed them, etc. Most of the time they were so direct, issues didn’t have enough time to fester and boil over. Honesty is key in a healthy relationship, and for them, teasing and arguing served as an acceptable avenue for this honesty.

2. They do learn to adapt to each other’s needs and grow together...sort of.

Being able to recognize your own shortcomings and value your partner for their ability to see past those flaws is essential. Fighting is okay if you can come together after it, understand why your partner was upset, and grow stronger from the experience. The earthquake should strengthen the bridge after the new changes and reinforcements are put in place, not weaken it...

But time apart requires you to reflect on yourself. When two people come back together and their means of apology is through kissing or sex...that tells you exactly what makes the relationship function.

Now...for the portrayal of toxic behavior and emotional abuse.

1. Ugly jealousy

Jade’s jealousy is a constant source of conflict for the two, OBVIOUSLY. While she might say what we’re all thinking, her possessiveness is unattractive - and had it been the trait for a male love interest on the show, fans would have attacked him for it. You’re not allowed to control who your boyfriend hangs out with and befriends. You have no right to do so. You can express to him, “hey, I feel insecure about our relationship when you hang out with this individual exclusively. Can I come with you this time and get to know her better so I can put my mind at ease?” If he doesn't take your concerns seriously, then you should leave the relationship.

And if the new girl (as unjustified as it was) makes out with your boyfriend, you take your issues up with your disloyal boyfriend. You don’t continue to bully the other girl.

There’s a difference between speaking your mind / sticking to your values, and being a total dick. Jade crosses this line every episode. She’s not iconic when she bullies her friends. It’s really not that funny.

2. Putting words in Beck’s mouth

A lot of the times this is used for comedic effect. Because you know how sensitive women are. You just can’t say anything as a man, lest she twist it around on you... :/ Regardless, it turns Jade into an instigator, an agitator, and a difficult person to reach a consensus with. Don’t put words in your loved one’s mouth. Listen to what they have to say. Process it. Come back after you’ve had a chance to walk it off and think rationally.

3. Fighting at high frequency and magnitude

It’s one of the “quirks” of this relationship. Teens like to call it “rocky” and “full of chemistry.” Nah. It’s just plain ol’ toxic fighting and hostility. Especially because it’s usually over something stupid and entirely irrelevant to their relationship. A passionate relationship doesn’t mean you argue and fight everyday. Your relationship should have more positive energy than negative. Otherwise, why bother?

If they wanted to show a realistic relationship and the struggles teens encounter, they could have taken a dozen different avenues. Like an episode where everything they say gets on each other’s nerves and they just need some space, but then at the end of the episode they can laugh about how they were arguing over something as silly as x,y,z.

Instead, they made Jade the classic toxic bad boy trope.

4. Emotional instability and manipulation

Many people call Beck the calm, grounding force who is the only one capable of “topping” Jade. That’s whack. No one should have to babysit their partner because they’re so emotionally jagged and explosive. Sure, it makes for good comedy, but these two could have just as easily been best friends who knew how to deal with one another. They even could have been a healthier pairing if the writers had made Jade treat Beck with more respect than everyone else. But in the end, Beck has to be her backboard and police officer more than he gets to be her boyfriend.

Jade has too many issues to work through (jealousy, insecurity, aggression, etc). She shouldn’t be in a relationship until she can properly channel that anger and resentment.

Otherwise, she needs someone who won’t put up with her bullshit the way Beck does. (He calls her out on it every now and again, but he also claims that he enjoys not having an easy relationship).

5. Disloyalty

I’m not about to say that Jade is jealous for no reason. Beck could be much better at showing her he only has eyes for his girlfriend. That he puts her at the same level as (or above) his platonic friendships and acting career. But this isn’t always the case, and Jade hates it.

Another reason to break it off. Don’t settle for a man who punishes your behavior by allowing the new girl to kiss him -- or who makes you feel inadequate in any way.

That’s the tea.

That’s all for today, kids. Ship the fictional pairing all you want, god knows I have my fair share of toxic ships (side-eyes Delena). Just please don’t call it realistic. And please know that real relationships take work (real love is a choice as much as it’s a feeling), but that doesn’t mean your relationships have to be this ugly. <3

#beck x jade #bade #victorious #beck oliver #jade west #toxic behavior #toxic relationship #fictional relationships

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rocorambles · 4 years

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Temper Tantrum

Pairing: Kageyama x reader x Hinata

Genre/Warnings: Yandere, Toxic Relationships, SFW, Humiliation, Implied Violence/Abuse, Controlling Behavior, Choking

Summary: Your good behavior comes to an end, but your lovers are quick to reprimand you and put you back in your place.

Requested by Anon

You tried to be good, well behaved, and obedient, especially after Hinata had decided to take your punishment into his own hands after your last outburst. That had been the moment you realized that despite Hinata’s seemingly sunnier personality, there was a monster lurking underneath his radiant facade and that despite Kageyama’s colder and more apathetic personality, he was the only protection you had against the feral beast yearning to tear you apart. You had done so well for months afterwards, not putting up a single ounce of resistance to anything Kageyama asked you to do, no matter how tedious, how irritating some of his rules and requests were. You had even initiated exchanges of affection, going out of your way to kiss him good morning and hold his hands tenderly, anything to secure your protection as memories of blood and pain wrack your mind.

But as cuts and bruises healed and the freshness of those horrible memories faded over time, restlessness began to settle in your bones again and you could feel the ever growing irritation fester inside of you once more with every impassive word that left Kageyama’s mouth telling you how many reps you needed to do, telling you when it was time to wake up and sleep, telling you what you were allowed to do in your free time.

Even you don’t exactly know what the breaking point of this specific moment was. Maybe it was the fact that it was the same meal you’ve had every single night for the past month. Maybe it was the fact that it included an ingredient you hated and that Kageyama knew you hated. Maybe it was the fact that Kageyama had insisted on cutting everything on your plate into bite sized pieces, as if you were a child. Whatever the reason was, even you don’t expect your hand to come flying down and knock the full plate of food off the table and you flinch as the sound of shattering ceramic cuts through the room leaving behind only broken white shards and a mess of food strewn all over the once clean dining room floor.

Your heart is pounding and you can already feel your mouth scrambling to find words to apologize, to lessen your punishment. You’re just thankful that at least Hinata isn’t here to witness this, but when you look at Kageyama, any regret or fear you felt is tinged with sick satisfaction as you see the scowl on his face. Making him upset almost makes whatever stupid childish punishment he’ll throw your way worth it. His glare deepens at the upturned twitch of your lips you try to hide, but he sees the smugness in your eyes.

“Apologize right now.”

His words fuel the roiling fire inside of you and you know you’re just making things worse for yourself, but you lash out.

“I’m not going to apologize. I have nothing to apologize for. I’m not a child. I’m tired of you thinking I need to do everything you say in exactly the way you want it. Actually, I’m tired of you in general. I’m tired of Hinata. I’m tired of this relationship. I’m done with all of this.”

You don’t even realize how your voice has crescendoed over the course of your rant until you’re practically screaming the last sentence at Kageyama and there’s a deafening silence when you finish. You brace yourself for the cold, angry words you’ve come to expect from your lover, but when the silence stretches, you tentatively meet his gaze and your heart lurches at the hurt and vulnerability you see. For a second, you’re reminded of the nervous, stuttering mess of a man that had shyly asked you out all those years ago and you instinctively take a step towards him, but the light reflects on a glimmering shard of ceramic on the floor and your eyes narrow as you turn around to walk out the door and leave all of this behind forever.

Or, that’s what you had planned on doing, but you’re halted by the feeling of running into a hard object as you spin around. Reeling from the unexpected impact, you hardly have time to register the hand wrapping around your neck until you’re struggling to breathe, but your face pales despite its growing redness from your lack of oxygen when you see the orange haired man in front of you. He smiles at you, but there’s nothing warm or comforting about it. It’s razor sharp and full of malicious intent and you claw at his arm as his grip around your throat tightens.

“You’re tired of us? You’re done with this? What the fuck makes you think you have a choice? You know what I think? I think you’re just being a spoiled brat. Kageyama has done nothing but take care of you and love you and this is how you repay him? We both love you so much and I know you love us too, so you better apologize and tell us that you love us right now.”

Black spots are dancing at the corner of your vision and you almost collapse in relief when Hinata relinquishes his hold on you and shoves you to the ground. Sitting on your knees with only your arms propping you up as you gasp for breath, you turn your watery eyes to Kageyama and apologize for wasting the food he made, for yelling such terrible things at him, for hurting him. But it’s not enough for Hinata and you feel him roughly nudge you with the heel of his foot. You know what he’s waiting for you to say, but despite the fear and knowledge of the hell in store for you if you don’t say the three words they want to hear, the words get stuck in your throat and it’s only when Hinata gives you a sharp kick that you whimper them out.

“I love you.”

Disgust coils inside of you at the way Kageyama’s eyes instantly light up at those words and you have to fight from flinching away from Hinata when strong arms haul you up and pull you into an embrace. “Good girl, but we still need to punish you. We can’t let you become too spoiled.” You scramble to clutch Hinata and look at him under fluttering lashes, giving him the sweetest puppy eyes you can as you plead with him to forgive you, promise him to be on your best behavior, tell him how much you love him, but it’s no use and he gently pushes you back to the ground and makes you crawl to the mess you made.

“Clean it.”

Your brows furrow, surprised to be getting off so easy, but you’re not complaining and you hastily reach a hand out to grab a piece of food on the part of the floor closest to you.

“No, with your mouth.”

Humiliation pools in your stomach and you can feel tears of shame well in your eyes, but you obediently lower your head only to be stopped by a hand gently placed on your cheek. “Hinata boke!” For a second you let hope furl inside of you thinking Kageyama is going to save you, but it’s quickly squashed down as he continues his sentence. “At least let me clean up the broken plate so she doesn’t hurt herself.” Silent tears stream down your face as Hinata coos down at you and tells you how lucky you are that Kageyama’s such a good boyfriend while your other lover carefully sweeps and picks up every shard. And when he’s done, two pairs of eyes look down at you expectantly.

Time seems to slow down excruciatingly as your teeth capture the larger pieces of food and you force yourself to swallow everything despite the way shame blocks your throat. But finally there’s only the remnants of some sauces left and you sit back on your heels, glad it’s finally over. You squeal in shock when your head is shoved back down to the floor. “That’s not clean enough. Lick the rest of it up.” Salty tears mix with the sauce as your tongue flattens and swirls across the hard surface, lapping everything up until it’s spotless. You don’t put up a fight when Hinata pries your jaw open and pulls your tongue out afterwards, making sure there’s not a speck of food left in your mouth before patting you on the head like you’re a well behaved pet.

And maybe you really are just a pet. You certainly feel like a dog with its tail between its legs as you let Kageyama pick you up and cradle you while he carries you to the bathroom. You sit at his heels and when the bath has been drawn, you let him undress you and place you in the water, not even uttering a single peep as he lathers you with soap and washes you. You know you should feel ashamed by how you instinctively lean into his touches and how you find yourself seeking comfort from him, but you feel so cold, so miniscule, so worthless from their punishment that you’re desperate for any affection you can get. And as he tucks you into bed and slides under the sheets with you, you find yourself huddling against Kageyama’s taller frame and purring in content as Hinata wraps his arm around your waist.

#haikyuu yandere #yandere haikyuu #hinata x reader #kageyama x reader #hinata #kageyama #haikyuu

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hearthandhomemagick · 3 years

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Cottage Witch Journal Entry

I have a longing for Tennessee.

I have a pure, unadulterated and wild attraction to the Tennessee Mountains. This is a dream I’ve had, and a yearning I’ve felt, for years. A need to be hidden deep in the mountains in a tiny cottage/cabin of sorts. I’m sure this is an affinity very popular in mainstream culture today, and all I can think of when I hear people say they want a cottage or cabin in the mountains is, “How the Hell does everyone expect to FIT on these mountains?!” But, this is my Shadow Self, the over realistic and overthinking side of myself. And I easily get discouraged from my own wants thinking of others wants.

This is a side of me to notice in myself. I need to be able to move past thoughts of, “If everyone wants it, I’ll never have it.” and move forward with thoughts of, “This is something I want for myself, and I deserve to work hard for it.” And that’s a goal I have with myself.

You see, this post isn’t just about my want to be in Tennessee in the woods, it’s much deeper than that I feel. It’s about improvement and wanting to grow.

I bring up Tennessee because that is not a goal I can easily obtain within a couple of weeks or even a month. But, it is something I want to build up to obtaining. Something I want to do right so that everything is exactly as it needs to be. And I can’t fully accomplish this until I accomplish other goals that take precedent first. For Example, my physical health.

As a witch, I truly believe in loving every part of yourself, the good and the bad. The exciting and the terrifying. The understood and the neglected. Part of this acceptance process is learning what is and is not acceptable for my body. Now, I have struggled with my weight and how I see myself since I was a child. I remember a little boy seeing my tummy in a bathing suit in 1st grade and him telling me I was fat and that his dad said fat girls were ugly. Comments like this, stares and whispers were constant when in regards to my weight. It felt like an overwhelming amount of attention was directed at the way I looked, even if no one was looking at me I felt as though everyone was thinking about it. Over the years, this mental state took a tole on a lot more than I expected, even affecting me today with my Significant Other. The consistent attention to my own weight pulled me into depression, our of depression, into anxiety and out of anxiety. What I mean is I had an up and down relationship with my tummy.

I felt abandoned most days. I would get this idea that I was too much and not enough all at once. A gentle and cooing tone from my toxic thoughts led to a lot of issues and concerns for me and my health. Some days, I would read something that made me feel as though I was a Queen. A bad bitch lurking in this cruel world and taking it by the throat to stare it in the eyes and say, “I love my body fat.”

The sad part is your heart, mind and body know when you are lying to it. I didn’t love my body. Not in those confident moments and not in those depressed moments. I was locked away in a cage in my mind that gave me two illusions to choose from, while hiding my third option under the rug. I neglected my feelings because I didn’t want to experience them. I neglected my health because I didn’t want to deal with it. And I neglected my body because I hated it.

Reality here is that this is the only fucking body I have. Do you understand that? Let me repeat this so maybe you can understand how harsh of a reality this was to me.

I am on this Earth for goodness knows how long. 50 years, 20 years, 72 days. I don’t know, and no one does. I was literally forced into owning this body, whether I like it or not, it is mine. I can move houses, I can get a new car, I can get a new job. I cannot get a new body.

I heard this in High School and started what I called my weight loss journey. I lost maybe 20 pounds while attending a workout-boot camp of sorts and trying to maintain a healthy diet. That sentence resonated so much with me that I repeated it every day to myself. My motivation was on point. Then, I stopped going. There are multiple reasons why I stopped, but none of them are rightful excuses.

I just stopped.

Now, during those days I had lost weight, I was starting to gain confidence in myself and was attempting to genuinely look out for my health. I had more energy and felt amazing! But like I said, I had stopped for terrible reasons.

Fast-forward to college and you will find a very anxiety filled, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted Carly. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep but for 4-5 hours. Other nights I didn’t sleep at all. I believe my stay up streak was 3, going on 4 nights. All due to homework. My coping technique has always been eating food, too. So when you have a sleep deprived student settled next to a 24/7 pizza joint with half baked cookies, you gain 30-40 pounds.

At 245 Pounds, I was at my heaviest. This weight gain came on as my roommates were saying I was fat, stupid and were making me question myself frequently. Self hate festers among others who don’t value your worth, remember that. So, through those years of college I weighed an uncomfortable amount of weight that made my body start shutting down physically.

Mental Health had a lot to do with my physical health, here as well. When I was in a really bad place, I would stop moving completely and just sit still. If I had a terrible feeling, I’d cook something to make myself feel better or would just grab a processed, quick snack. It was a pattern of mine. I’d get just enough motivation to do one or two things, and then I’d stop all together and feel as though that was enough for a few weeks.

Eventually, when I was done with college, I started back on that rollercoaster of healthy and unhealthy. I’d lose 5 pounds, then gain 7 pounds right back. I started detail critiquing myself and stressing myself out. My weight never could get under control, and I couldn’t break the 200 mark to save my life. I would see pictures and videos of myself and feel as though I had eaten an entire buffet. Not too long after getting with my S/O and starting my job as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, I got sick.

It started as a birthday dinner at a Korean Barbecue in 2019. I was with my two best friends at the time and having a blast. We all ate the same food, but when I woke up the following morning I was throwing up everything in my tummy.

The throwing up went on for 4 days before I was taken to the hospital, only for them to release me saying it was virus. My personal doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it eventually became an everyday thing. I would wake up between 3-6 in the morning, go to the bathroom and be sick for hours before pulling myself together to make it to work.

Weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year.

I lost 50 pounds from this thing that no doctor could seem to figure out. I got x-rays and everything, but nothing and no one could tell me exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t eat anything friend, only raw fruits and veggies, or broth. I only drank water and ginger based drinks, and could not for the life of me stop what was going on with my body. Many doctors tried to pass it as a virus, stomach ulcers, GURD, or even Heart Burn (?). None of them were right.

After a long time, my mom finally confessed that every woman in our family has Endometriosis. If you don’t know what this is, it is the build up of scar tissue on the outside of your uterus. This leads to nausea, ovarian cysts (which they found on me in x-rays) and sub or infertility. No doctor can diagnose it, either, unless you have a surgery to see if there is scarring. So for many, suffering on your own is easier than seeing a doctor.

I discussed this with my doctor, and it was as if a light flashed in her brain. This is a disease she cannot say I have, but can say it sounds very much like that. It is hereditary and once you have it, you have it for good.

After this information entered my line of though, I decided the stress from my job was too much for too little pay, and chose to leave. Leading up to my leaving the job, I was sick almost every second of every day. The moment I left, I felt better.

I still feel pain in my ovary area, but because I don’t have the money to see a doctor, and can control my pains with eating habits and physical influence, I choose to work through it alone.

I said ALL THAT BACKGROUND BULLSHIT JUST TO SAY THIS!!!!!

This is the part that marks my new journey. It is the Journey to Strength and Well Being. The Journey to Feeling Good. The Journey the Choosing my happiness over anything else. And the Journey to choosing the health of my body over my insecurities.

I wrote this because a couple of days ago I had a very graphic and vivid dream about my boyfriend falling in love with the woman I wanted to be. In other words, I seen him with a woman who literally presented all of my insecurities to me. Small, lithe and dainty, gentle and calming, and everything I wasn’t. She was beautiful. And he seen this, and did things for her that he never did for me. I woke up almost in tears, because my emotions were raw, but I had no idea that my insecurities were still very deeply rooted.

I pondered over the last few days of this dream. What it could mean, what I should do, how I should feel and I have finally come to a conclusion.

This dream is a depiction of my fears. My brain was saying, “You need to address this shit right now.” and did it in the most face slap kind of way I could think.

I still, even after learning to love myself genuinely, have image issues that need to be nurtured and tended to before I can move forward in my life.

So, I’m making 1-3 goals every month that are attainable and reachable. This will be a brick road to my obtaining that cottage/cabin in the Tennessee Mountains.

This months Goals start today!

GOAL 1 - Learn to do a split, find a healthy yoga sequence, be able to do 15 pushups, & 30 Squats by the end of December.

GOAL 2 - Make a conscious effort to what you eat/making a new dish once a week to try.

GOAL 3 - Save $100.

This is a process, and I am only human. I don’t want to fall back into the habits of toxic mentality. I don’t want to neglect myself or how I feel and I don’t want to lose myself in to the world in the process of searching for freedom from myself.

I expect myself to exude self control, self love, and empowerment. I expect to expect better from and for myself, and I expect to accomplish my goals.

I manifest it here, I can do a split. I have a healthy maintainable yoga sequence that I have committed to growing expanding and changing. I can do 15 push ups and 30 squats. I have 100 dollars saved up already and make concious decisions that better my health rather than hurt it. This is part of my lifstyle now!

And it is for the better!

Thank you to anyone who read this through. These entries are more for my benefit and thought process, but appreciate anyone who recognizes it or even relates and wants to talk about it. It’s personal to me and means a lot. I intend on being on here more often to update my challenges and express how I use my witchcraft in the process of this Journey.

I love you all! Stay safe, warm and full to the brim! Later Witches! xx

#yule #witch #witchcraft #thinspo #healthy #yoga #workout #food #meal #habit #mentalhealth #comfort #hygge #cute #fun #craft #magic #magick #happy #storyline #witchjournal #journal #writing #creative

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