#its messy but I can’t imagine their characters getting any progress | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fbfh · 3 years

Text

I mean, you did ask - leo x reader

all characters are aged up to 18+ for smexy subtext

word count: 2k

pairing: leo x gn child of calliope reader

genre: adventure, romance, hints at a lowkey soulmate au

summary: after a bumpy reunion turned interrogation with your friends, you finally prove to Leo that you’re someone worth catching up with

warnings: swearing, friends hold you at knife point (for good reason) memory loss, dimesion/reality travel, the phrase “horrible sexy little goose” not about an actual animal, moderate time difference between worlds, reader is acting like a cocky piece of shit half the time, you call yourself sexy a lot, annabeth slaps reader and reader is unbothered, reader and leo hae very visceral reactions upon seeing each other, piper picks up on this, moderately aggressive face grabbing, discussing personal info with someone somewhat privately, brief mentions of hand holding and hair pulling during sex, you spill tea about the rest of the demisquad, I think that’s it pls tell me if I missed any

song rec: choke - i don’t know how but they found me

a/n: this is from a very vivid daydream I had so er ah if reader seems op coded that’s cause she is uwu

You were excited to reunite with your friends after so long, but being tied up and held hostage at knifepoint by the people you love who don’t even remember you wasn’t the welcome wagon you were hoping for. Then again, as a child of Calliope, you can’t say you’re surprised.

Apollo has a lot of kids, but demigod children of the muses are exceptionally less common. They’re volatile, really powerful, extremely engrossed in their art, and usually care more about their latest thesis paper or painting or manuscript than going on quests, and more often than not have very specific powers. You, for example, love quests but feel like you never get to go on any, usually because you’re fighting monsters somewhere else. One fun little power you inherited from your mom is - somewhat involuntary - dimension shifting.

A lot of times you just get summoned somewhere else, with a little inherent background knowledge and your weapon, set free into the new world like a horrible sexy little goose. There’s usually some kind of objective you need to meet; find this person, set something in motion, give someone support in a time of need, deliver a package. After that, you get sent back to your family at camp half blood. The catch, one of them at least, is that a few days Somewhere Else could be no more than a few minutes in your homeverse.

Another catch is that because of all that, and the fact that you wouldn’t know how to begin explaining, let alone if anyone would believe you, no one knows you can do this yet. Chiron has an idea, but you’ve never told anyone outright.

You guess now is as good of a time as any to come clean, as Percy holds his sword threateningly close to your neck. You let out a disbelieving laugh, and bite the inside of your cheek.

“Okay, okay… you want the truth?” he starts to back off, and you continue, leaning forward, “I’m not surprised you’d want to know where someone this sexy-” your words cut off as Annabeth’s hand slaps you across the face. You let out a laugh of disbelief, cheek stinging.

“A cheap shot, Annabeth? Wow, I really didn’t take you for the type,” she grabs your face, leaning in close, knife once again against your throat.

"How do you know my name." She hisses, and behind her, the door opens. Messy dark curls peek over her head in your vision and you know instantly who it is. Your heart starts pounding, loud and hard, and something heavy starts swirling deep in your gut. Your eyes lock as soon as he enters the room and an instinctive smile blooms on your face, knowing what's inevitably on its way.

"Hey Sparky…"

Your voice, slow and drawling (and, he'd be lying if he didn't say kind of very sexy) impales him as soon as he enters the room. He watches your pupils expand, eyes locked, immediately swept away by your magnetic aura. A fox like grin decorates your pretty face, and he gets the feeling you know more than you let on. Way more. He's so drawn to you on a guttural level, way more than he's ever been to someone before. His face is hot, and when you slowly wink at him, he feels flames erupt on his cheeks. It takes him a second to put it out, feeling your white hot gaze on him the entire time.

Piper, who's been helping with your interrogation, looks back and forth between you two as this progresses, taking in a breath and mumbling a shocked, "Oh," as she begins to understand.

"How are those repairs coming?" Jason asks, oblivious to everything that's happening between you two.

"Uh… nearly done…" Leo mutters, watching as you hold back an elated giggle at the sound of his voice. You never forget how good it feels to see him again, but the fresh feeling is always better than you can imagine. Jason glances between you two, and walks over to Leo, suspicious of your interest in him.

"I'll walk you back," Jason says, glaring at you. Your eyes stay locked with Leo's until the door finally closes again. Piper stares at you, bewildered by the tension turned to frantic energy crackling around both you and Leo. She can sense it on him even after he's out of the room.

Annabeth finally drops your face, pacing and pinching the bridge of her nose. Percy slams him hands down on the table and levels his face with yours.

"I'm gonna ask you one last time. How do you know us?"

You stare at the table for a second, still thinking about him. You have to see him again. You’ve waited for too long, you just can’t do it anymore.

“H- okay. Um,” You blink a few times, facade falling away almost instantly as you look up in a silent prayer that this doesn’t go as badly as you feel like it will. You sigh, looking back up at the other people in the room, a new, deliberate intention in your eyes that they hadn’t seen before.

“You want to know why I’m here?”

Their answer is the silence that follows.

“You’re not gonna believe me.” They look around at each other, collectively thinking about everything they’ve been through in the last year alone.

“Try us.” Annabeth replies. You sigh again, and introduce yourself. “...I’m a child of Calliope, muse of epic poetry, and I know you all because we grew up together. One of the fun - quirks, I inherited from my mom is traveling into different stories, or realities, I guess. It’s hard to control, and sometimes happens involuntarily. I adapt to wherever I am, and the universe sort of auto adjusts to follow the rules that stories have to follow.

The reason you don’t remember me is because I was gone for a really long time, and your story had to keep going. Trying to find me wouldn’t have moved the plot forward, questioning where I went would have been confusing, so it did the simplest thing and edited me out so you could get closer to meeting your objectives.”

Once again, their silence is your answer.

“Guys, sidebar.” Annabeth says, pulling Percy, Jason, and Piper out of the room for a moment. The come back in a little while later, and she looks you dead in the eye.

“If you really know us as well as you say you do, prove it. Tell us you’d only know if we were as close as you say we were.”

You sigh yet again, having lost count at how many times that’s happened today alone. You roll your shoulders and bob your head, irritable that you’re still restrained and itching to move.

“Is there anything we can do before the whole tell me something really personal thing?”

Percy looks at you, challenging.

“Can you do it or not?”

Another noise of exasperation leaves you, and you agree, resignation all over your face.

“You know what, yeah. Okay, we’re doing this. Someone go get Leo.” An involuntary smile once again launches onto your face at the mention of his name. Jason starts to object.

“Hey, I’m not going to spill something personal about someone when they’re not in the room.” They agree reluctantly, and Jason leaves, returning again with Leo. You look at him again, enraptured by his presence. He can’t say he doesn’t like the attention - a hottie like you looking at him like that? Yes, please - but something about it feels different, and he gets the feeling there’s a lot more going on than they’re aware of.

You nod your head once, indicating for him to come closer. He gets a little closer. You widen your eyes, nodding two more times, and he hesitantly gets within whispering distance.

You turn your head to your left, dangerously close to his face. He can feel his pulse already speeding up. Heat radiates between your faces, your breath fanning over his neck as you whisper slowly,

“You really… really like holding hands, and when I pull your hair during sex.”

He pulls away from you quickly, beet red, bewildered expression obvious to everyone in the room. “H-how-”

“How do you think?” You reply calmly, loving everything about him, “Okay, to be fair…” you nod once more, eyes flaring, and he leans in once again, equally hesitant and curious. Your words tickle his ear, seeming to light up his entire nervous system like a firecracker.

“I really really like when you bite that spot on my neck, just below my ear.”

He pulls away again, trying not to literally and figuratively combust. He stares in your eyes intensely, searching for anything besides the truth. He finds absolutely nothing. He turns around, unable to look his friends in the eye.

“They’re legit, guys.”

“Wait, what did you say to him?” Piper asks, unsure if she wants to know the answer.

“Yeah,” Annabeth agrees, “what if it’s some kind of mind control-” Your deep, burning desire to finally hold Leo after god knows how long is starting to beat your better judgement, and you really, really want to be untied from this stupid chair. “Annabeth! Your favorite show was Cyber Chase growing up, you used to come up with plans on how to defeat Hacker, your best was cutting off his food supply - good strategy, I’ve used it before, myself.

Percy, you feel like you can’t sing because you were forced to participate in an elementary school recital and some kid called you tonedeaf behind your back, it kicked you right in the RSD balls.

Piper, you’re a closet weeb, you watched Ouran High School Host club obsessively and still do sometimes, you fell for Jason because he had, quote, 'Tamaki's looks and Kyoya's brains, the ideal man'.

Jason, that scar on your lip is from biting a stapler as a child-"

"Okay, everyone knows that-"

"-and," you continue, showing no signs of stopping, "the reason you ate the stapler is because you were pretending to be a trash compactor because you saw one on TV.

Nico is totally not right outside the door keeping guard right now, but if he were and you asked him if he likes the diary of a wimpy kid movies he'll ask how the hell you know that - should I continue."

Again, the answers are in the silence hovering in the room.

“I think it’s about time to catch me up on what I missed.”

A beat passes.

“Right,” Annabeth says, blinking and readjusting her ponytail as she sits down across from you, Percy already taking the bindings off of your wrists, “so, about the quest…”

She starts to fill you in on the details you missed, bringing you up to speed. After a little while you all decide to call it a night. Piper senses your energy ramping up in spite of the exhaustion settling in. You finally bid them all good night, but Piper’s not sold by your forced yawns. After what feels like another lifetime, you finally leave the room you’ve been in for hours with one objective.

You can’t stay away from him anymore, you have to find Leo.

After navigating a maze of hallways and doors, you finally push open the right one to see him looking up at you, and find yourself saying for the second time tonight,

“Hey, Sparky…”

His heart is racing, and he gets that heavy, full feeling in his chest again, not having fully shaken it from the last time you saw each other. Looking into your eyes makes him nostalgic for something he can’t quite remember, and he knows with full certainty that you have more history than he’s aware of. He wants more than anything in this moment to remember. He sets down the wrench in his hand, taking a step toward you.

“Hey…”

#leo x reader #leo valdez x reader #leo valdez #heroes of olympus #heroes of olympus x reader

144 notes · View notes

saturnsummer · 3 years

Note

hi! i can’t believe i’m doing this, being cowardly and asking anonymously, which is so not like me, but i’m really not sure about the feedback i’ll get from this ask so here goes. i really hope you don’t take this the wrong way. i just don’t know who else to ask and among the authors i see in tumblr you’re the one with all the headcanons and looks into their characterization and all huhu.

i just noticed that in the majority of angst(y) aus, sol (a) is always the one who is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, prioritising her family over hwi/not considering him her family, or ends up pushing hwi away and then the relationship turns out badly, and by badly meaning it ends. i understand the first one since that’s really been the case for the majority of what we get a glimpse of in her life. but i don’t understand the others and i want to understand because so many people are writing it that way, and i interpret it as: they see something i don’t. maybe there are things about her character that i can’t or perceive differently or my 21 year old brain lacks the wisdom for that i miss how it progresses to that. but since i’m too shy to interact with anyone i don’t have anyone to compare notes with, huhu. i don’t really understand the others them because:

she basically said she’ll root for him in his uncle’s place which isn’t something to be taken lightly, she knows the gravity of what she said and more than anyone else she knows what it feels like to have family leave you behind/alone and all (i hope u get what i mean here and that this is sufficient, it’ll get even longer if i add more explaining)

she has high EQ, she basically hit all the right spots in the before they uploaded the video part (if it wasn’t for assemblyman ko…) and this scene is also another example of number 3 where she ends up opening herself up to him again

she knows he understands her in a sense and has this certain level of trust towards him, it can be seen on how she told him about dan but not about anyone else, and even if hwi didn’t show up at that time it can also be seen that she somehow opens up to him in the drinking water as if its booze scene. I guess i just observed that in the instances where she takes the first step and tries to push him away, she rather ends up opening herself up to him.

hwi also has high EQ or at least towards sol (lmao) and combined with his high IQ and the fact that he understands her contributes to number 3

and not all of these scenes can be considered as “working out alright and happily and greatly” since there are challenges in them but somehow it never reaches to that degree :<

as i said i want to compare notes because i understand only a portion of where its based on. i’m not saying its ooc since there is a bedrock on where that could possibly come from, it’s just that i can’t comprehend how its probable to reach up to that degree based on my understanding of their characters huhu. if it is a writer’s thing though perhaps it’s most likely why i don’t understand since all i’ve ever done my whole life is read and not really the type that writes. huhu.

i’m really not complaining or insulting or saying anything bad about or offending the fics, honestly huhu. i just want to learn more about her character and i’m bad at saying things not bluntly :< i tried my best :<

also, if you’re not comfortable with answering posting the answer publicly but still considering to or want to answer my question (i’ve used tumblr for so long but don’t know how asks work) if know a way to kinda hide the ask but answer it and say you want me to dm you about it, i can :<

hello anon! thank you for this analysis that while lengthy, does give me a bit of insight!

I think all your points are valid! about why she’s the one that is the start of the angst, why she pushes him away and not the other way around! I completely get your meaning, and honestly i do see the things you are seeing too!

this is just my personal take on this and how i view sol as being the ‘start’ of angst, why aren’t there fics on joon being the ‘start’ of angst and all, so please do take this with a pinch of salt!

I’ve personally not written any headcanons/fics that are mainly angst centred yet, so I would have to draw on my understanding of sol and joonhwi as characters from law school.

for sol, she’s a big emotional girl. you could see from the way she argues in class, with her friends, with how she reacts all the time. she rides on emotions and uses her heart a little more than her brain. like the bad fama case, she couldn’t give up cause she was emotional about it. like you said, she has a high EQ!

a possible reason to the angst on her part is due to the emotions as well. being someone that follows her heart so closely, she’s easily affected by the people around her and swayed easily. it would make a little more sense for the angst to derive from her, maybe from feeling that she lacks the love for joon. or maybe, a certain incident and she breaks it off.

one other reason is her upbringing. we know that she has biological father that is different from her stepfather. we also know that it is implied that her biological father is not present in her life, and her stepfather is abusive to her mother. as such, this must have been hard on her. imagine growing up in a family far from perfect, would one believe in love? many cases, some say no. they have never seen a healthy relationship before, much less seen one grow in their eyes from young till adulthood. this is the same for sol too. she didn’t see a perfect family, she saw a broken family, no father figure and her mother who endured abuse. this ultimately might make sol think “why is there a need for love? will I end up like my parents? is joon going to leave me, like my biological father did?” it’s undeniable that she might have these thoughts in her mind. thus, it’s a more common catalyst of angst, in a breakup thinking she’s not good enough, or she’s not ready, or undeserving.

as such, most writers might maybe find it easier to draw on this aspect of sol as the angst starter. a short example of this would be in my ongoing “the fairytale you never had (would you believe again?)” fic and in my oneshots “worthy” !

however, I do wonder, “why isn’t joonhwi the one with angst? is sol the only messy one here?” quickly, I thought back to most of the scenes of joonhwi when he is troubled, confused or any sign of him showing emotions.

joonhwi can be an angst starter, but I think it drawn on less since it’s so hard to draw on. from the base line, we know he’s smart. we know he’s probably rich. we know his uncle is the closest person to him. we know his parents died. but all these are just facts, no emotions. in everything that joonhwi does, he does it out of compliance, law abiding, or of a moral code. very few instances does he act of emotions or show a raw side of him.

the only times we could see it would be when he’s confronting his uncle, or the moments with sol later on in the show. he rarely shows emotions, and it’s hard to understand him or his troubles when he doesn’t show many emotions and we don’t know enough about his life. we know he looks up to his uncle, but it’s impossible for him, an orphan, to not miss his parents or have his missing parents not play a role in his development.

thus, his angst would most probably derive from “can i trust her, even after this?”, “is she lying, to cover up something?”, “is sol really the sol I believe in? or was it an entire lie?” his angst would come from one of trust and not from emotions.

i would really love to give a full analysis, but im no good with this. you can always dm me on Twitter or tumblr and we can always have a chat on this! would love to draw from my fellow writer friends to pitch in on this too, since they are honestly better at the analysis. im just a free writer!

thank you anon for you query! do dm me on tumblr/twitter (whichever is comfortable!) and we can discuss more! i’ll keep your identity secret, no worries!

#askakino #law school #jtbc law school #jtbc drama #kang sol a #han joon hwi #solhwi #jtbc #kang sol a x han joon hwi #joonsola

30 notes · View notes

cherry-interlude · 3 years

Text

Lana Del Rey Album Songs Ranking (Remade)

It’s been a few years since I ranked all of Lana’s (album) songs so I wanted to do it again. This is all my OPINION, which I’m sure some people might disagree with, but you don’t have to agree with it. This is also a very long post.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

This cover song is just a little too drab and uninteresting to me, and I never listen to it. After the brilliant, sprawling, sexy, heart-breaking tracks on Honeymoon, this feels like a tacked-on track just to plump up the album. It feels simply like a cover.

For Free

Though this is a well-made song, with three brilliant women owning the track, it again just feels like a cover. It fits in well with Chemtrails, but by the time I get to this song I’ve had my fill.

Breaking Up Slowly

It just feels repetitive and simple, something only to have on in the background while my attention is diverted. It’s a good song and a nice attempt at bringing Lana’s country music in, but it does little to keep me interested.

God Knows I Tried

This song is filler. Jammed between the jazzy softness of Terrence Loves You and the pop favourite High By The Beach, this track just feels like it was sort of shoved in. It doesn’t even feel completely right on Honeymoon, instead a throwaway song that bridges Ultraviolence and Honeymoon whilst not fitting in with either album.

Though perfect for the credits of a Hollywood movie, 24 has plenty of flair but nothing of substance. The lyrics aren’t as imaginative as most of Lana’s music and I’m not surprised this song found itself near the end of the album.

Lucky Ones

Personally, this song irritates me. It's sickly in its lyrics, sugary in the romance and classic Lana tropes of dangerous men and Lana starstruck by them no matter if they’re ‘careless cons and crazy liars’. The little flair of the verses and the overtly sweet chorus really irks me, especially following the brilliance that is Lana’s first ‘Del Rey’ album.

Coachella

It is a rushed track, sounding completely unfinished and hurried with an unconvincing track beat. Polished, it would be brilliant – but it sounds like Lana thought of the song (which sounds promising in the video where she sits in the forest and sings) and had to force it to ‘fit in’ with the trap-pop tracks on Lust For Life. The lyrics are thoughtful, if not cliché, but it could have been done better.

This Is What Makes Us Girls

It just doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe because I can’t connect to the lyrics in any way, I just don’t feel anything when I hear this song and choose to skip it. That being said, the demos are pretty fun.

God Bless America

As much as it’s a song honouring women during a period of time when feminism was being shaken, it doesn’t quite feel like Lana’s heart is in it. The patriotism is uneasy considering she was removing herself from the American flag and its associations, and the anthemic feel never lifts. It’s a sweet song, but never goes deeper than surface level.

Religion

Though fairly sexy and haunting – her unshaken faith to her man, her drawling voice – this delicate track is too simple and sombre for me to get completely into it. I always want to skip and get to my favourites.

In My Feelings

It’s great Lana has a bad-girl, bad-bitch, fuck-you pop track but this, like Coachella, feels unfinished. It has the vibe of work in progress, and the vocals are still messy (surely intentionally, though it doesn’t always come across that way) as well as trying slightly too hard. It doesn’t compare to Fucked My Way Up To The Top.

Beautiful People Beautiful Problems

The verses don’t match up to the choruses and I feel nothing – not empowered or emotional – when listening to this song, but it is a beautiful duet between Lana and Stevie. Their voices really are divine together and though I don’t listen to this song much, the demos are even better.

Change

Mostly because it freaks me out, this is a song I don’t often listen to. With a basic structure yet long, meandering lyrics, Lana broods over the state of America at the time, which can make for depressive listening. Though it’s a pretty enough song, it’s seriousness is too much to bear sometimes.

Blue Velvet

Sometimes too slow, Blue Velvet doesn’t inspire multiple listens in me, but it is a gorgeous cover and absolutely a showcase of Lana’s vocals.

Diet Mountain Dew

A cheeky little track that won many over, it still is hard for me to fully get into it. However, it ages like fine wine and is a wonderful step into the Lizzy Grant unreleased tracks (especially with the many, sometimes even better demos).

Burning Desire

It’s a messy song, with Lana’s vocals shaky and the instrumental not quite up to scratch, but this song is certainly a guilty pleasure and great for getting into the sexy mood. The car metaphors are a bit much, especially considering it’s for a car advert, but if you get past that it’s a song to add to your freaky playlist.

Money Power Glory

As powerful and dark as this song is, with incredible instrumentals and Lana at her most dynamic, I barely remember the lyrics of the verses, instead waiting for the rich choruses.

Swan Song

A gentle track that has a lot of untapped power behind it, this is a quiet stormer of a song that has a lot of heart and grace. It may be a filler track, but it is definitely better than some.

Bartender

Even more gentle is the confessional, piano-led Bartender, which is a sweet little love song stripped back much like Lana’s simple romance where she sneaks out to see her lover. The main (and probably ridiculous) thing that keeps me from falling in love with this song more – though I’m already pretty amazed by it – is the very quiet sound of feedback that comes and goes, a fuzzy noise that is very subtle but distracting enough for me.

The Next Best American Record

This song would be higher if it was Architecture – the gorgeous, well-thought stunner that wowed us all when it was leaked. The lyrics are less fractured relationship and more wishy washy, wiping away the gritty sadness that made Architecture so beloved (at least to me). Now it’s been made ‘happier’, it’s hard to tell what the song is – is Lana happy with her lover or is she sad like in the unreleased version? Is this a break up song or a celebration of the romance? What does it mean now that it is both of them that are obsessed with writing? It’s something for me to certainly explore more, but it is paled in comparison to the original.

When The World Was At War

This track grew on me, with the hidden lyrics, fun vocals and hopeful message. Lana knows how to make a song that lifts your mood and this is certainly one of them.

Guns and Roses

I used to despise this song – finding it boring and dull. However, after giving it a listen years later, it is in fact a beautiful song with a gritty feel that is perfect for Ultraviolence. It fits in perfectly with the album and the extended tracks, and though it isn’t the strongest lyrically, the vocals and dreamy feel is thrilling.

Lolita

I choose to listen to this song without the underage character – or romantic connotations of her – in mind, instead seeing this song as a grown woman trying to charm an older man. However, as I have grown older – and read (and loved) the book several times more – I feel more inclined to distance myself from this song. It’s a fun, perky pop track but it definitely feels dated.

Dance Till We Die

Lana sings of her connection to other famous female singers and her daughter’s chosen name, making this a very personal pop song that also reminds of When The World Was At War for its hopeful and ultimately positive edge. It is a little slow but incredible touching, and the bridge is so kickass you can’t help but dance along.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

This is a very sweet little song that again showcases the more positive side of Lana’s music, rather than the heartbroken and distressed women she tends to play. Though it is a filler song it’s a very pretty one and so catchy.

Wild At Heart

Wild At Heart is similar to Not All Who Wander Are Lost in that it’s a departure from a tragic femme fatale, instead a love song that also mimics Swan Song in that she considers leaving fame for her lover. What makes it even better is how Lana samples How To Disappear, a much sadder track, and twists it into something happy with this ultimately more upbeat album.

Radio

Like Diet Mountain Dew, Radio is another perky tune that is more than just a catchy filler. It’s a little bit sassy and has an edge to it (with the expletives and how her life is sweet not like sugar but cinnamon) that keeps it from being too frothy. Speaking of Lana’s newfound fame, it’s a nice break from the love ballads and tragedies peppered throughout Born To Die.

Without You

Shockingly dramatic, Without You is the ultimate symbol of Lana’s older music – a woman who could only feel happy unless her man was in her life. She has definitely moved on for the most part from wailing her demise at losing her lover but Without You is still glamorous, catchy and perfect to singalong to.

The Other Woman

This is one of Lana’s best covers – Nina Simone’s song about being the other woman and how it is in fact lonely and heart-breaking. Lana makes the song her own, her vocals stunning and lo-fi with instrumentals that are perfect for Ultraviolence.

How To Disappear

I feel that the live version of How To Disappear, where she sung it on stage before it was released with its real instrumental, is the superior version. It’s stripped back and tender enough to feel the emotion thoroughly, but the album version doesn’t disappoint. It’s one of many great tracks from (what I think is) her best album, and has a great story within it.

Fucked My Way Up To The Top

Lana’s satirical, sexy and stirring Fucked My Way Up To The Top was just tongue-in-cheek enough to keep from being too much of a cliché. Perhaps based on her real experiences but definitely a fuck-you to anyone who critiques her for owning her sexuality, it’s a little bit controversial but an incredible song.

Tomorrow Never Came

This song, which is a gorgeous duet with Sean Ono Lennon and a nice nod to 20th century music, subverts expectations that it is a sad song by in fact including a happy ending. I love how it can make you cry with both sadness and happiness, and tells a sweet story that paints pictures of parks and country houses.

Yosemite

The long-awaited Yosemite didn’t disappoint, and though it took a while to grow on me it became a classic and somehow familiar track. It’s impossible to not sing or dance to it and wouldn’t be out of place in Lust For Life.

Hope Is A Dangerous Thing

It’s quite slow – the Change/24/Old Money of Norman Fucking Rockwell – but it is clearly a personal and well-thought song that references Lana’s great inspiration Sylvia Plath. Lana’s deft at getting her thoughts out in song and I think though it’s not a song I often listen to, it is beautiful.

Honeymoon

The sweeping violins, dramatic vocals and the dangerous undercurrent makes Honeymoon crackle with electricity. It’s an amazing introduction to an album that once again has dangerous men, bad girls who get hurt but are strong again and amazing instrumentals. Though it’s not the best song from the album, it sets the tone perfectly.

Million Dollar Man

Like Without You, it’s another song of complete devastation, which Lana has grown from in her music. Million Dollar Man shows some great vocals and lyrics, and gets the emotion out perfectly whilst honouring the music that inspired her.

Old Money

The verses are pretty enough but they don’t catch my attention the way the choruses do. The slow, steady song took a long time for me to really appreciate but it’s impossible not to feel some kind of emotion when Lana lets her lover know she will be with them whenever they need her.

Sad Girl

Like The Other Woman, Sad Girl shows how being the other woman has it’s downfalls but appreciates the sexy, exciting side of it – how alluring her man is and how much of a bad bitch she may be. Once again, it’s a pure Ultraviolence song that shows Lana’s vocals and music in the best way whilst showcasing the classic caricature of the femme fatale.

Dark Paradise

Strangely upbeat for such a sad song, Dark Paradise is great to dance to but also something that makes you want to cry. Lana’s vocalisations and dramatic lyrics don’t quite compare to some of her other songs but Dark Paradise is iconic.

Summertime Sadness

The slow-burn, emotional gut punch that is Summertime Sadness is always a classic and one of Lana’s best. Though it is far from my personal favourite it is absolutely an outstanding song and the perfect example of Lana’s most well-made and well-delivered songs.

Gods and Monsters

The strained Gods and Monsters is a great tale about the evil side of fame, which Lana never quite delves too deeply into but gives a metaphorical and mildly personal nod to. Gods and Monsters is one of those songs that has you singing along and feeling strong.

Carmen

Carmen is a beautiful, sad story that feels rich and luxurious despite its harrowing lyrics of an alcoholic star. The French bridge adds to the decadence and it feels like a dirty alcohol bottle wrapped in silk, from the tentative verses to the unnerving chorus.

Born To Die

One of Lana’s original pop chart tracks, this is a song that never grows old. It’s one of the blueprints of the Lana Del Rey era and deftly shows her vocals whilst setting the tone for the pessimistic, romantic star in the early 2010s.

Salvatore

Opening with laughing – or crying – Salvatore has an eerie feel to it, though it is completely erotic in feel (enough to ignore some of the simpler lyrics). It is a song that feels dreamy, much like the rest of Honeymoon, but passionate and reminding of some of her older music (from the vocals in the bridge that have a Lolita/Fucked My Way Up To The Top feel to them to the continued trope of bad boys and glamour).

Flipside

Dirty, gritty and quite contained, Flipside is a song that I wished had more attention. It’s not her most imaginative song but there’s something about it, from the gloomy guitars to the hushed vocals, that have me wanting to sing it over and over. It also is one of her great fuck-off songs, as sympathetic as it is resilient.

Doin’ Time

Lana really turns this song into her own with the summery instrumentals and the pop edge she is so good at. It’s surprisingly one of her best covers and a fresh-feeling track that isn’t bogged down by emotion or maudlin music.

Lust For Life

Breathless and oh-so-romantic, Lust For Life is one of those songs that was perfect for the charts, and a key piece in Lana’s turn into becoming more positive. However, as fun and lovely as this song is, the demos are a whole other ball game. A little more ethereal, they fit Lana much more perfectly and it’s sad she dismissed the witchy feel for a song that is brilliant but generic.

Love

One of Lana’s warmest and most refreshing songs, she looks at love with fondness and dedicates this track to her ‘kids’. She knows her fans well and to make a song that references them (much like Happiness Is A Butterfly’s nod to her ‘babies’) makes this song all the more pleasant.

The Greatest

Lana’s vocals are put to good use in this intimately-written song. She speaks her mind in her reminiscence of the past and the worries for the future, all with a storming chorus that is certainly one of her best.

Love Song

Tender and almost tentative, Love Song is one of those tracks that is romantic through-and-through. It’s stripped back enough to feel like it really is a private song for only her lover’s ears, just as confessional as Cinnamon Girl and Bartender.

White Mustang

Short but sweet, this song has all the makings of a Lana Del Rey song, harking back to the Born To Die days with her imagery and fallen love affair, but it is spiky enough to be part of her later music where she starts giving less shits. The whistling and race cars are a nice touch, displaying her play on words snugly.

Dark But Just A Game

Sort of jazzy, Dark But Just A Game is ever-shifting and never quite settles on a particular sound. It’s cohesive, however, and clearly states what Lana is thinking in a way that works with the rest of Chemtrails. It’s pretty sexy as well, which doesn’t hurt the enjoyability factor.

High By The Beach

The wooziness, the carelessness and the growth from a woman begging to be put in a movie to a woman who is able to do as she pleases. Lana stumbles and swears through the song but knows exactly what she wants – and it isn’t disappointing men or stalking paparazzi.

Let Me Love You Like A Woman

Some may think it much slower and more boring than a lot of her tracks, but I think it’s a tidy, sweet track. Lana plainly states her love, urges her man to run away with her and lets her emotions (and voice) do the talking.

Summer Bummer

Lana is as restless as a hot summer in this song and it works. Her brisk-paced yet soft-voiced lyrics and gorgeous imagery gets my pulse racing, and ASAP Rocky’s verse works well for it. Though it would have been interesting to get a full, solo Summer Bummer, Rocky adds an edge to this song and compliments his ‘lover’ well.

Groupie Love

Much more flowery and wide-eyed, Groupie Love is like a contradiction. Lana’s passionate dalliance with Rocky’s god-like star opposes the relationship in Summer Bummer (uncertain) but both are just as secret. Groupie Love has the edge of being ultra-dreamy and demonstrating pure love – and lust – without the messiness.

American

It’s a filler track that has potential for much more. It’s an adorable song, almost cautious in its lead-up to the satisfying chorus, and is filled with Lana tropes galore. Following Lana’s stressed Ride and coming before the darkly sensual Cola, American is a breath of fresh air.

National Anthem

What an anthem it is. It’s simply provocative and one of her most classic tracks. Mixing love, money and fame together with a bit of sex thrown in, National Anthem is precisely what Lana’s America seems to be.

Is This Happiness?

It’s muted, mournful and resentful, questioning a relationship that Lana wants to keep but at the same time doesn’t. This is one of Lana’s best sad songs, tearful as it is still adoring beneath the exasperation.

Art Deco

Art Deco is purely dreamy, a song to bathe in. The lyrics are a little bit simple but Lana’s vocals and the flowing, aquatic music is the perfect hook.

Terrence Loves You

Lana’s jazzy song is delicate, letting only her voice and the saxophone dominate. With references to David Bowie, Lana pines for someone who hurt her badly, but she soothes herself with music the way plenty of her fans do when listening to her records.

White Dress

The vocals were a surprise at first – high, strained whispers – but they definitely grew on me. Painting a picture of young Lana loving life and dreaming of bigger things, it’s nostalgic in lyrics but also reminds of some of Lana’s old work – her unreleased tracks where she would serve coke and fries.

Chemtrails

It gets better as it goes on, growing and twisting from a song to sunbathe to into a restless, darkening track. It has the best vibe for an idealised world with something a bit off, and the imagery of pools, jewels and schools grounds Lana into a (very, very rich) normality rather than the glamorous star she always liked to portray.

13 Beaches

Opening with a quote from Carnival of Souls, Lana takes High By The Beach to the next level. She goes from sticking her middle finger up to the paparazzi to simply wishing she would be allowed to live her life without them hounding her. It’s a matured approach that uses sound interestingly, with beeps and whines adding a strange texture to the song.

Cola

The controversial line was intended as humour, but strangely it works. Even if Cola is satire like Fucked My Way Up To The Top, Lana owns the ‘other woman’, the patriotic singer, the sexy and unashamed woman who says what she thinks without caring of the consequences. It’s an iconic song, even if you have to turn the volume down to not offend.

Black Beauty

The unreleased version is ten times more emotive, with its stripped back and lonesome feel, but the album version is just as good. The ultimately loving but unhappy lyrics are full of stunning imagery, and this is a song that would have been perfect with a music video.

Body Electric

Blasphemous as much as it honours icons, Lana sinfully owns Body Electric. The bridge is a bit out of place but Lana’s eyebrow-raising approach to religion and sexuality is genius.

Off To The Races

The best demonstration of Lana’s vocals, Lana plays the glam girl without a care just as well as the Lolita-type, needy lover in this ode to money and her man. The soaring bridge is stunning, and the swirling violins add an air of Hollywood to it.

Bel Air

Completely overlooked (in my opinion), Bel Air is an apologetic song of redemption, a shining and honest track that is as touching as much as it is hazy and tranquil. With soft piano and the sound of children opening and closing the song respectively, it’s set apart from Paradise with a pureness that Lana pulls off well.

Ultraviolence

Controversial at the time and still controversial now, Ultraviolence is about being weak, about giving in to love no matter how toxic. I don’t entirely support the lyrics but it’s a stunning song, lo-fi enough to feel uneasy and haunting. When you shut off from the lyrics, you get a simply beautiful track.

Pretty When You Cry

Lana’s imperfect, close-to-tears vocals are wonderful in this song, and she really lets her emotion shine through. The pained guitar and Lana’s increasingly distressed singing are enough to get you feeling exactly as she does.

Florida Kilos

Fun. Fresh. Freeing. Lana’s ode to drugs is simply something to dance to and sing, and she somehow manages to get the sunny feeling across even with the Ulraviolence-esque grunginess. It’s one of my favourite songs of Lana’s because it’s just so happy, which is a nice departure from some of her heavier tracks.

Cherry

Many people’s favourite – Cherry. It was my favourite of Lana’s for a long time, dripping with sex appeal and sadness but with a cute dance to compliment it. It had all the right stuff wrapped up in a tidy, compact box and the imagery is lush. I still love this song but since then we’ve had the ‘Cherries’ of her next few albums, Cinnamon Girl and Tulsa Jesus Freak. Like these, Cherry was a song that seemed set apart from the rest of the album and was a novel take on her typical music.

California

Simply for It's meaningful, raw lyrics – promising to be there as soon as he wants her, much like in Old Money – California is a sun-soaked dream with a very honest approach. Lana isn’t completely devastated, or begging for her lover to return. She is sad but realistic, and only wants the best for him. It’s beautiful and sad with a crazily addictive chorus.

West Coast

The shift from fast-paced, grungey, whispered verses to sprawling, drawling choruses – complete with weirdly sexy beeps towards the end of the song – shook us all, and it’s one of Lana’s most interesting songs. Lana honours the West Coast but also her man, in love with the music scene as much as she is with him.

Shades of Cool

The snide verses. The gradually growing music. The guitars. The explosive chorus. The nuclear bridge. The absolutely perfect timing and pacing. Shades of Cool is flawless, another Sad Girl but with much more power, emotion and music.

The Blackest Day

The Blackest Day needs more attention. Cold in places, almost lost, but then wounded in the chorus, The Blackest Day rolls with the emotions and is the kind of song that makes you want to fall apart and sob. Which is good, in a way, as it shows how brilliantly Lana conveys emotion.

Freak

Cult-like and haunting, this is the sexy predecessor of California. Lana swoons and tempts in this track, from her harmonising to her pouting “take it to the back if you really wanna talk” - not to mention the rest of the song in its entirely, all elements married together to create the perfect seductive track.

Music To Watch Boys To

Like Art Deco, Music To Watch Boys To is fairly aquatic and dreamy. Like Freak, it has that cult vibe (the chanting of the bridge). However, this song is perfectly its own, from the mix-up of vocal styles to the shifting tone (sad to smug to obsessively in love).

Norman Fucking Rockwell

What an opener. Norman Fucking Rockwell lets the actual singing and lyrics do the talking, the instrumentals pushed back enough to let Lana’s gut-punching first line (“God damn, man child, you fucked me so good that I almost said I love you”) and her blue yet annoyed insults to her Norman Rockwell do the talking.

Mariner’s Apartment Complex

It’s a song for yourself and for the people you love. Lana is strong enough to take care of herself, to be her own guidance – and to take on her lover’s problems too. It’s an empowering song, so distant from a lot of her discography, and I adore the nautical references and the hopeful message.

Brooklyn Baby

Satire again, but it still works. Lana plays a (fairly cringey) and somewhat self-absorbed, over-confident singer who is too cool for her own boyfriend, but she does it well. From saying how she wished people didn’t judge her, to the freedom the seventies gives her, to the warm guitars and upbeat tone, to the backup vocals of Seth Kaufman, Brooklyn Baby is a song to remember for all the right reasons.

Ride

Ride is one of Lana’s best, if not the best. With her devotion to America and her open thoughts about needing other people to make her feel good and happy, Lana knocks it out of the park with the superb step up from Born To Die.

Video Games

Video Games is just beautiful, plain and simple. Lana’s low voice, telling a flowing story of the simplicities of true love, are removed from her ‘famous singer’ image she constantly tried to portray and instead open up to the heart of what she has always sung about: love and its many forms, good or bad.

Get Free

The new take on Ride was a pleasant surprise. From changing the lyrics to show she wants to move on and be happy to (silently) name-dropping her influences, Lana’s manifesto was a personal song that we could all resonate with. The outro of the beach was the perfect closer to Lust For Life, and Get Free summarised the album which took her from sad girl to someone who could let herself move on.

Heroin

Heroin is no doubt one of her best. It’s tense and dark, referencing Manson and (allegedly) a friend she lost years ago. Lana lets herself dive into her worst thoughts headfirst, not so much dreamy as it is nightmarish, but still comes out the other side dreaming of marzipan and ready to move on.

Tulsa Jesus Freak

The third of the ‘Cherries’, Tulsa Jesus Freak goes straight to a happy place. Where Cherry was angry and Cinnamon Girl was cautious, this track dives into being comfortable with her man. It was just as passionate as the other two songs but about religion, sex and self-satisfaction.

Blue Jeans

Plucking guitars, crying violins and Lana weaving a tale about a gangsta who left her, without explanation, and the hurt that follows. Similarly tied to Dark Paradise, Blue Jeans is the next level of that, her tough-girl spoken verses dismissed as the choruses open up and she pours her heart out.

Cruel World

Lana is on top-form on this song, furious, maddened, sad, taunting – she hits every emotion with style. Lana grows more and more unstable as the song goes on, invoking images of a woman scorned and no longer taking that shit, but she still has a fragility about her as she comes undone that is tied directly to her Ultraviolence era.

Happiness Is A Butterfly

This song goes through many stages. She is unsure, not knowing how her lover feels. She is optimistic, elated as she tries to capture the butterfly. She is dismissive, no longer caring if she might get hurt – she loves too much. She is pissed off, sick of being treated badly. She gives in, simply wanting to dance and just be happy. The flow of this song is constant, a little messy, but it has the beautiful message pinned to it: to keep trying to be happy and do what you love.

Fuck It I Love You

I love the music video version more than the album version, the latter being more stripped back. Fuck It I Love You just gives in to emotion, acknowledging Lana is hurt, her lover is hurt, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. She simply lets that feeling take over.

Cinnamon Girl

Cinnamon Girl touched me like no other Lana song has. Where Cherry was a mixture of emotions, good and bad, angry and loving, devastated and thrilled, Cinnamon Girl was about cautious optimism. Lana urges her lover to give in, and she knows – smiling as she sings it – she wins.

Venice Bitch

Venice Bitch just has that soothing, unhindered feel to it – and not just from the nine minutes of pure music and vibe. Lana dedicates this song to the kind of love that is just wholesome and homely, all whilst touching on her insanity, her ever-lasting love for America and the modern world (her live streams). It feels nostalgic yet contemporary, and adding the “fucks” and “bitch[es]” helps keep this song from being to sugary sweet but instead what it is – an honest love song rooted in the idealised and the realistic.

10 notes · View notes

translations-by-aiimee · 3 years

Text

Dig a Grave to Dig Out a Ghost - Chapter 25

Original Title: 挖坟挖出鬼

Genres: Drama, Horror, Mystery, Supernatural, Yaoi

This translation is based on multiple MTLs and my own limited knowledge of Chinese characters. If I have made any egregious mistakes, please let me know.

Chapter Index

Chapter 25 - Cemetery

Buzz buzz. . .

Was there an earthquake? Lin Yan sat up abruptly from the sofa, looked around in a daze, and fixed his gaze on the coffee table.

It was just his phone. Lin Yan rubbed his face and answered the phone. Suddenly Yin Zhou's angry roar came through the receiver, shocking him enough to almost make him fall back on the sofa.

"Your Excellency finally decided to answer the phone!"

Lin Yan held the phone away from his ear and muttered: "I didn't get home from the kid's father's house until really late. I just woke up." Speaking of, he looked up at the wall clock. It was 10:20 in the morning. That doesn't add up. Based on Yin Zhou's usual schedule right now, he should still be lying in bed, dead to the world.

"Hurry up and get to the hospital! I called you 20 times and you weren't answering." Yin Zhou suddenly lowered his voice: "Something's not right."

". . . What? What happened to Xiao Yang?" Lin Yan grew anxious.

Yin Zhou hesitated on the phone and replied, "It's not. . . you, you'd better come and see it for yourself. I can't explain it."

After hanging up the phone, Lin Yan hurriedly washed his face, brushed his teeth and rushed to the hospital. Before leaving, he made a point to check every room. There was no one, no ghost. Xiao Yu didn't come back at all last night.

When Lin Yan arrived at Xiao Yang's room, Lin Yan understood what Yin Zhou was saying about something being off. The windows of the ward, which had been painted over by the little Daoist priest the day before, were clean. The charms written in cinnabar on the walls were gone, the windows had been scrubbed, and the small bedside table was piled high with flowers and food. The girl, on the other hand, was quietly curled up under the blanket, staring at the ceiling in a daze.

Xiao Yang's mother wasn't there. Lin Yan gently walked in, and suddenly there was a scrap of a stool from the other corner of the ward. His attention snapped over and he saw the middle-aged man who slammed the door on him standing on top of a stool with his wife. He was wearing a paper hat, clutching a rag and working hard to scrub down the walls. When he saw Lin Yan come in, the man rushed over as if he had seen a saviour. He grabbed his hand and whined tearfully: "Master, I know I have no conscience. I'll do anything you say, anything, just have mercy and leave us alone!"

This situation seemed like it was straight out of a drama. Lin Yan almost thought he was imagining things. He was thinking about whether he should leave and start over again. Zhou Mo saw that he was going to leave, and hurriedly reached out and grabbed him with his other hand. "I brought all the things Jintian loved to eat and play when he was alive, and I've cleaned the room three times. I'll do whatever you say. Please don't let that thing follow me. I can't live in my house now!"

"Alright, alright, let go first. . ." Lin Yan tried hard to pull his arm off.

"Lin Yan, you're here!" Yin Zhou's voice suddenly sounded from behind him. Lin Yan looked back and saw that Yin Zhou and A-Yan were walking in with a pile of things. They glanced at Zhou Mo as if they weren't surprised, and then slipped a package into his arms.

"I-I checked. This is too much. Just pick two things and buy some incense paper money to bring with you. T-That'll be enough."

"Whatever, whatever!" Zhou Mo replied bitterly while holding the bag.

Yin Zhou picked up a paper windmill from the bag. He glanced at it and threw it back. He sneered at Zhou Mo and said to Lin Yan: "This dude looks very stylish but his brain's not quite right. He was just supposed to come to see his son. Why is he acting like he lost his mind? He showed up this morning in a suit and leather shoes, picked up a broom and started to clean. Everyone was shouting, a nurse even threw him out, but now he's scrubbing the walls." Yin Zhou flexed his hands: "Is he also possessed?"

"Well, 'He who never wrongs others does not fear the knock in the night'. This dude has done a lot of bad things, maybe he just got a little karma yesterday." Lin Yan looked relaxed: "That door knock might have been a bit loud."

The little Daoist priest smiled beside him. Yin Zhou was still confused and shook his head in disbelief.

"It's a long story." Lin Yan curled his lips: "A-Yan, I brought them, what should we do?"

Seeing that no one was paying attention to him, Zhou Mo repeated his pleas with a frown, holding a rag. "Young man, you can help. My whole family is waiting outside. The nanny was scared away. My child is at his grandma's house. . ."

Lin Yan glanced at him in disgust: "I thought I was just cheating you out of money. Are you going to pay me? You're smarter than that."

Zhou Mo's eyebrows furrowed. He wanted to say something but, to save what pride he had left, his mouth slammed shut like a fly had flown in. Lin Yan pointed to Xiao Yang who was lying on the bed and said to Zhou Mo: "Ask him. If your son forgives you, I'll leave you alone."

Zhou Mo looked at the girl under the blanket completely speechless and nodded tearfully.

"It-It's good that he's here. Later, we'll go to his son's grave and burn one of his belongings for Jintian and let him put a few plates of fruit as an offering." A-Yan said.

"Should we go now?" Although Yin Zhou didn't fully understand what was happening, he looked at the young wife next to Zhou Mo and could make a rough guess. He gazed at Xiao Yang sympathetically. "Let the child find peace quicker."

Lin Yan was just about to nod when suddenly he saw Xiao Yu at the door, who had appeared at some point, leaning on the door frame and staring at him. From this position, his long figure was bathed in sunshine, and he looked like he was straight out of a magazine advertisement. Lin Yan was a little stunned. He smiled at Yin Zhou and whispered: "Wait a minute, I still have something to do." He walked around to Xiao Yu. The ghost's eyes changed. When he reached out to hold him, Lin Yan shook his head and dragged him to the bathroom at the end of the corridor.

This floor only had private rooms so the public washroom was rarely occupied. After making sure that all the stalls were empty, Lin Yan locked the door with a click.

"I'm impressed. Tell me, what extraordinary methods did you use?" Lin Yan asked Xiao Yu, propping himself against the marble counter, tilting his head.

Xiao Yu shook his head.

"I'm really curious." Lin Yan raised his eyebrows: "The man wasn't even hurt. How did you do it?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah." Lin Yan nodded.

Xiao Yu nudged his chin with his finger and said after some thought, "You asked for it."

Seeing Xiao Yu turn around, Lin Yan suddenly sensed an ominous sensation, and he couldn't help but blurt out: "No, no, I don't want to see, ah!"

Unexpectedly, before he closed his eyes, a hideous face appeared in front of him. His eyes became two deep black holes, and half of his face muscles were rotting, oozing out pus and thick blood, staining strands of his messy hair. His gums were exposed, the dark green layers of plaque resembling mould growing on tofu. A pair of eerie bony nails were poking into Lin Yan's side, its voice sounding like a broken bellow. Lin Yan could almost feel the rancid breath from the mouth of that thing: "Your. . . son. . . is. . . here. . . with. . . me. . ."

"Ahhh!" Lin Yan harshly shoved the thing away. The sudden stare down froze him to the spot, hands flying up to cover his eyes. His hands were forced apart by a burst of cold air and a familiar face appeared in front of him. Lin Yan was petrified. He anxiously pinched at Xiao Yu's side, shaking and yelling, a quiver in his voice: "You. . you scared me to death!"

"Lin Yan. . ." Seeing that the gag was going too far, Xiao Yu held Lin Yan against the sink, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and gently rubbing his back. It took a long time for Lin Yan to come back to his sense. He pulled back from Xiao Yu's arms to give him an unimpressed stare. The two of them glared face-to-face with wide eyes and finally couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Xiao Yu propped his hands on both sides of Lin Yan, and the two of them leaned against the marble countertop. The other man in front of him leaned forward and the tips of their noses bumped together, they were that close.

Lin Yan's heart inexplicably started beating faster.

It seemed that things weren't progressing right. His confused thoughts wondered how they went from a scene from a horror movie to this sudden refreshing change. He vigorously pushed Xiao Yu's shoulders, trying to slip out of the confinement of his arms, but the ghost's arms were like iron rods. Lin Yan could only use his knees to prevent him from coming any closer. He glanced at the door, wondering how he could be so careless as to look himself in here with a ghost. . . This was really problematic!

Xiao Yu simply pushed through his legs and pressed against his chest. Before Lin Yan could take another defensive measure, the ghost unceremoniously pressed a kiss on his lips. First was a gentle nudge and a peck, then he sucked on his lower lip and started grinding against him. The cool and soft touch made Lin Yan's lips feel like flower petals. Then he pried his teeth open and wantonly started sucking on his tongue.

Lin Yan roughly shook his head to push him off. Xiao Yu yanked him into his arms. With his tongue roughly pushing all the way to his throat, one hand groped up Lin Yan's thigh with the other gripping his hip against the marble countertop.

The grass mud horse trampled across the grasslands, leaving a mess of holes behind.

He seemed to be. . . reacting to it. . .

It seemed like. . . the reaction was a bit intense. . .

Lin Yan stared angrily, watching the ghost's eyelashes trembling like dragonfly wings. The lower edge of his thigh up near his waist was being rubbed up and down with the palm of his hand. Lin Yan wrapped his arms around Xiao Yu's neck while softly intertwining their tongues, silently swearing that he would go back and clean up that mess once this was over.

Xiao Yu freed up a hand to unbutton Lin Yan's jeans. Because he was new to this, he couldn't figure out how to do it. Lin Yan was getting impatient by his teasing, so he simply supported the counter with one hand to help him.

"Hey, no, no. . . stop!" Lin Yan sucked in a short breath and stiffly fell backward, supporting himself against Xiao Yu for a while before standing up. He said embarrassingly: "My. . . My back hurts. "

"I slept on the sofa yesterday and it hurts like hell." Lin Yan explained awkwardly.

Fuck his life. When Lin Yan walked back to the room with Xiao Yu in a weird posture, Yin Zhou stared at him for a second then yelled out in front of everyone, "Lin Yan, did you rub one out?"

Lin Yan had a black line on his face, and angrily imagined pummeling him down the seventeen flights of stairs. Then he thought about his lack of combat ability. There wasn't any imminent reaction to what he said, so he swallowed and said grimly: "I slept weird on the sofa. It's here...While everyone can still move, hurry up and pack everything so we can send the brat away." He took the key out of his pocket and threw it at Yin Zhou: "You drive."

After finishing the temporary discharge procedure for Xiao Yang, he followed the instructions of the little Daoist priest to search for little shops in the city to gather what he needed. When he arrived at the suburban cemetery, it was already 6 o’clock in the evening. As the sun set, the afterglow dyed the meticulously manicured lawns with a delicate golden color.

The group of people quietly followed Zhou Mo along the path, stopping in front of a fresh grave in the center of the A area. The headstone was engraved with the words 'beloved son Zhou Jintian'. The black and white photo showed a beautiful boy with a crooked eyes and an innocent smile. Lin Yan glanced back at Xiao Yang standing alone beside him, and asked A-Yan, "Will he go?"

"He should." The little Daoist nodded affirmatively. He placed the offering fruit and incense in front of the tomb, and bowed respectfully.

Smoke curled up. Pieces of toys and paper money clothes were thrown into the fire, crackling and burning. The paper money rolled up in the flames and blew through the air. Soon, a thin layer of ashes fell across the front of the grave.

Lin Yan was reluctantly to move closer. He walked away a distance and sat down quietly. He suddenly felt a bit bitter when looking at the busy group of people. Could all the wrongs be forgiven? He thought, betrayed by loved ones, abandoned, left alone in the cold darkness; could that really be written off?

A-Yan began to recite the Ksitigarbha scripture in a low voice. The peaceful tone sounded extraordinarily quiet in the grassy cemetery. Then something happened that shocked Lin Yan. Xiao Yang, who had been ignorant and unconscious, suddenly turned her head and stared straight at Zhou Mo. Just when he thought something was about to happen, Xiao Yang walked over slowly, stretched her arms around his thighs, and buried her head in Zhou Mo's waist.

Like an ordinary child waiting for his father at the school gate, he wrapped his arms around his father's waist and joyfully told about what was happening at school.

It's a pity that this child has no future, no school, Lin Yan thought. He was about to take the longest and loneliest road of his life, walking alone, regardless of whether the end of the road might be full of flowers. Maybe he would be reincarnated, maybe he would go to a place called heaven in the fairy tale. Imagining what happens after death is the best way of mourning for the people left behind, but what does that matter? He was such a good boy, there's no way God would treat him poorly.

Although the world was utilitarian and indifferent, there were always feelings that continued to return. Through hurt, betrayal and forgetfulness, a broken heart would always heal.

The girl limply collapsed. Xiao Yang's mother couldn't stop herself from swooping forward to catch her daughter. This time the little Daoist didn't stop her, but just looked up at the sky and muttered to himself.

The sunset immersed everything in the dim golden halo. Lin Yan eyes widened and he saw Xiao Yu leading a graceful little boy out from under a pine tree not far away. The boy sucked on his thumb shyly. He quickly glanced at Lin Yan and ducked his head.

Xiao Yu squatted down in front of the boy and gently touched his head, seeming like he was asking something seriously. The setting sun coated him with a heavy orange-yellow light, making the two of them appear like golden clay statues. Xiao Yu smiled kindly, the boy gently nodded, and after a moment he stood up and walked towards the tombstone. He took one last lingering glance back before slowly fading into a light blue mist, disappearing in the sunset.

Xiao Yu stood there for a while a hand bumped into his. The man in the delicate white shirt caught his finger and he sighed.

"Let's make peace." Lin Yan turned his face and said softly: "No more fighting."

Xiao Yu nodded.

"Come on, let's go home."

The group of people in front of the tombstone were still busy packing their things. The two of them had walked a far distance away already, holding hands. The graves were silent in the sunset. Lin Yan watched his steps, trying not to disturb the graves, feeling the cold body heat coming from his fingers. Lin Yan thought tonight he could finally get a good night's sleep.

#dig a grave to dig out a ghost translation #dig a grave to dig out a ghost #danmei novel #danmei #chinese bl #chinese novel #english translation #bl novel #yaoi novel #yaoi

8 notes · View notes

honey-makki · 4 years

Text

Irreconcilable

Characters: Asahi Azumane X GN!Reader

Summary: Asahi’s mental health can be debilitating sometimes. Taking a toll on himself and relationships with others, but how far will they go to help him?

Warnings: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts

Song: this is me trying- taylor swift

Genre: angst/comfort

Count: 2k

A/N: please head the warnings. this discusses and is an explicit portrayl of anxiety and depression with references to suicidal thoughts. it isn’t “fun” but nevertheless i think its good. at least it felt good to write,

Asahi hasn’t left his bed yet today, rather listening to the rain and staring up at the ceiling, wondering how long it’ll be before he can fall asleep again. This isn’t an uncommon situation for him, his figure shrouded in darkness and enveloped by the blankets on his bed. The occasional buzz of his phone goes unnoticed.

The darkness of the room shifts throughout the day, casting heavier shadows on his bed in the afternoon, shadows that he can feel the weight of on his chest. They mirror the heavy feeling in his heart and the discontent in his head. Would sorry have made any difference? It’s just a word, a word I would have struggled to even say.

The passage of time seems like its just a theoretical concept until the gnawing pain of hunger starts to peek through. He’s not hungry per se, but his body is telling him that three days without eating is way too long. The tinge of pain is a welcome feeling, no matter how fleeting.

It would still be a few hours before Asahi made his way to the kitchen, long after his flatmates are asleep, hoping to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. There isn’t a reason he can articulate for the way he looks, hair messy and unwashed, deep circles under his eyes despite sleeping most of the time, and his thinning frame drawing in his seemingly oversized old volleyball jacket.

He doesn’t even think he would try to come up with an excuse should they see him, the effort seeming monumental for little to no reward. He’s gotten to the point where he isn’t hiding it, any actions to make it easier to deal with, like using the kitchen sparingly and only at odd hours, are just due to convenience not fear of response.

Holding a bowl of cheese puffs and a long-forgotten packet of Takenoko No Sato Asahi makes his way back to his room, each footstep silent. Sitting in his desk chair he pops something in his mouth, not really sure if it was sweet or savory because to him they all taste the same, something akin to cardboard, or wood chips uncomfortably dry in his mouth.

The milk carton he grabbed out of the fridge doesn’t taste much better. It feels thick, so much so that he isn’t sure he will be able to swallow (or stomach) it. He might as well be drinking a bottle of unscented lotion, and even then that might be better.

He isn’t sure how long has passed since he keeps zoning out, but the bowl of leftover puffs look about as appetizing as styrofoam peanuts, and he knows that if he doesn’t get them out fo his room, he might be sick. Being sick is a lot more effort than sneaking to the kitchen, that is as long as it’s late.

He finally checks his phone after what has been, hours? A day? Maybe three days? It’s not the brightness of the screen that hurts, or the way all the notifications make his heart race, its the background picture that makes it nye impossible to use. Its you.

Seeing your smiling face next to his, he recognizes every single square millimeter of your face, long ago committed to memory. He could paint it blindfolded if he needed to, but the person next to you? He doesn’t see himself looking back. The clear skin, the glow, the beaming smile, the light in his eyes. Maybe its liveliness, maybe its adoration, maybe its gratitude, but regardless, he doesn’t retain nor deserves any of those emotions.

It’s his fault he’s here alone in his room staring at a bug climbing the wall. step. step. step. Each leg of the ant moving in unison, carrying it to some future that it can imagine. How depressing is it that an ant has a brighter future than I do? Every second he spends looking at the ant is one less second he is being drawn deeper into the tumultuous whirlpool of dread in his head.

The buzz of his phone clacks against the ceramic bowl, discordant in the otherwise silent room. The noise acts as a life preserver he feels oddly obligated to take out of the water, looking down to see your name across the screen. For the second time today, he feels something, earlier it was clearly defined and compartmentalized hunger, now? It’s a ceaseless swirl of resigned hopelessness, despair, anxiety, irritation, and a deep sense of being unworthy of all of these feelings.

Its easier when he isn’t reminded of you.

He doesn’t plan on responding to your simple ‘hey.’but the follow up of ‘dai said you aren’t well, let’s talk’ still everything but his mind. He can’t breathe in, he can’t move his thumbs to lock his phone or reply to you, all he can do is think about is how this could only go horribly wrong, but that you cared, at least cared enough about him to check-in. Even after everything he did.

Asahi: We can talk on the phone later I guess, y/n

Y/N: i’ll be over tonight at 7, i still have a key.

7pm. That’s 6 hours away according to his phone. The concept of time mattering feels foreign, should he nap? Take a shower? How long are normal showers? Should he clean his room? Does his room even need to be cleaned? Wash his sheets? Before long he finds himself on the floor, head in his hands with tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t recall getting there or starting to cry, it feels like the tears have always been there, each tear track carving out a trail in his skin, creating invisible canyons. They’re always there, maybe invisible or dry, but the tear tracks are still there.

The faint thud of his pulse ringing in his head is one of the only things his dulled sense can take in. he can’t place if he’s developed a migraine and the thud is twangs of pain or if he’s just, not here. Living what can only be described as the inverse of an out of body experience, everything else around him fading out into black, leaving him alone in an infinite black universe.

The weight of something on his head brings him back to earth. His head leans up and out of his peripheral sees your knees as you sit on his bed. A small whine leaves his throat as you begin to scratch and massage his scalp. Asahi can’t remember the last time he was touched by another person, and he doesn’t know how he lived so long without it. Your fingers are massaging fatigue out of his bones, undoing tension he’s caring in his shoulders.

It’s illogical that the light touches from each of your fingertips on his scalp can undo so much damage to his body, but that’s a skill you honed over time, and you can visibly see him become grounded.

“Asahi you know I can’t keep doing this. I would do this every day for the rest of my life if asked because I know it helps, but I hate seeing you like this. I’m scared that one day I’m going--” your chocked sobs are finally audible enough for him to perceive, “that you are gonna be too far gone. I wouldn’t be able to take that Asahi. Life without you is hard enough, I don’t want to imagine a world without you.”

He knew his mental health issues affected you, its the whole reason he left you in the first place, feeling guilty for you having to take care of him and him not making any progress. But he didn’t realize how scared you were. That he might just wither away, or suddenly not be here anymore. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t thought about it more than once, but never taking any tangible steps forward.

He still hasn’t said anything, but after a few minutes of you both crying, he just nods his head. You aren’t exactly sure what that means, but his voice croaks out, “help. I’ll get help.” The admission wasn’t something you expected but the hoarseness of his voice from crying or nonuse makes it all the more real. That maybe you were right to worry, and you were right to set this ultimatum.

A few hours later, you leave Asahi’s apartment, he fell asleep after you helped him bathe and changed his sheets. You left phone numbers of multiple psychologists and therapists, and an offer that you would make an appointment if he couldn’t find the willpower to do so. You have a cup of tea with Daichi before you leave, telling him about Asahi wanting to get help. You ask him to try to make sure that Asahi is doing at least the bare minimum or eating real food once a day and showering. Small steps eventually add up to a healthier person.

Months pass, where you and Asahi exchange a few text messages, detailing about he found a therapist, and his journey to find a medication that made him feel better and not worse. The conversations are long, but they always leave you hopeful about his progress.

You expected the knock on the door to be your take out but instead are looking at the chest of a much taller man. You look up to see Asahi’s face, a nervous smile looking down at you. His skin looks healthier, not as pallid or marred with deep sleeplessness, his hair is up in a bun, but you can see how much healthier it looks. The most notable change is that you can see light in his eyes. There’s something in there, hope maybe or just contentment with his growth. But there’s something, something that he made on his own and can hold onto.

Sure there are still signs that he isn’t fully back to the Asahi you met a long time ago, his hair is still thin, his frame is still not as filled out as it once was, but is definitely in a healthier range, his smile isn’t 100% confident and doesn’t seem to fully reach his eyes, but he looks good. And if he’s here, he must be feeling good.

“Hey y/n, I’ve been doing a lot better recently and my therapist said I should come and speak my mind. First, let me give you the most genuine and heartfelt thank you I can muster. If you hadn’t said what you did that one evening, I would never have gotten help and I honestly might not be here.”

His words are confident and sincere. They sound a little rehearsed, which is endearing. Asahi was never the most eloquent or poised person when it comes to feelings, but his declarations of love were always true in the deepest sense of the word. You couldn’t contain the smile on your face even if you wanted to, not when he’s done so much, not when he’s trying so hard.

“I might perceive the world as darker and more hellish than it actually is sometimes, but I’m gonna try again and again to soothe my heart and pick the flowers growing in the midst of hell. You are one of those flowers, a light in the darkness that motivates and assures me that all is well. If you would like, I want to grab coffee with you, like old times.”

Your bodies are bathed in golden sunlight from the window behind you, giving your nod a lucent halo. The halo fades as you step out and close the door behind you, but the glow doesn’t, it’s part of him, part of you.

Tags

@ceo-of-daichi @haikyuuhotline @sugawara-sweetheart @nonexistent-social-life @laughingismorefun @iguessimastannow

#asahi #azumane asahi #asahi azumane #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fanfiction #hq!!#hq!! fanfiction #asahi x y/n #asahi x reader #asahi azumane x y/n #asahi azumane x reader #kristen writes #folklore series #folklore #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw suicide

122 notes · View notes

sweet-evie · 4 years

Note

you would probably be able to go on forever answering this (and honestly i would love something like the way u did when u answered if he loved shirley or kallen more after cc.. if it's not too much trouble for you 😅) but what convinced you that lelouch loves cc the most out of all the other girls (shirley & kallen)? taking just the series into consideration first then the movie. thank u!

Lol true 🤣😂 I could ramble forever.

And if it's about CLuCLu? 🤭😅😂 You better be ready for a lengthy (and I mean lengthy) essay. 😍😂

As for who Lelouch loves the most?

I'm not so sure I would say C.C...

Canonically speaking, that would be Nunnally... And then probably Suzaku (platonically & shipping aside).

It's honestly not so much as I think he loves C.C. the most, it's just the ship that's to my taste. I mean, it's pretty obvious he cared about everyone he had personal relationships with. And I'm not Lelouch so I can't give a definitive answer. Lelouch is so complicated. 🙉😂

We could look at the subtle affection between them though 🤣😂😅 And why Lelouch & C.C. are soooo compatible (in my humble opinion).

But before we do...

Let’s dive into the background.

And let's address the elephant in this essay.

C.C. betrayed Lelouch by lying to him for the majority of the series.

Okay... But do we understand why?

This is why I don't outright judge any character in Code Geass, because they all have a reason for doing what they do... well, the main cast anyway.

I saw this in a translation of the official texts...

C.C. is the kind of code bearer who is torn between wanting to die or fulfilling her true wish. She purposely makes her contractors hate her for the sake of making it easier for them to take her code and kill her one day. (Which is why Mao doesn't work. Because he's too obsessed with her to kill her). Because she's desperate to die, and end her suffering. But let's not forget that she also has a secret wish: to be loved... 💝💘❤💗

Throughout R1 (and you only realize this after you watch the series in its entirety) and most of R2, C.C. is hellbent on making sure she dies that time around (especially because Lelouch shows so much promise and potential for ending her existence). Now why would I say that?

She deliberately lies to Lelouch and withholds information from him to make him hate her. So it would be easy to kill her and she gets to die, and he walks off happy without emotional baggage or trauma... In C.C.'s POV, that's a win-win. Her hypothetical scenario looks something like, "I make you hate me, that way when the time comes, you can kill me easily. I finally end my hell of immortality, and you get to live forever, although you may hate it one day like I did."

But you know what's fucking sad?

Aside from living on and on and having accumulated experiences and seeing the world and finding the entire point of life pointless and hopeless, the romantic part of me strongly believes C.C. wants to die because she 1) gives up on life and 2), she doesn't think anyone can truly love her after everything. She may have been hopeful, probably in the early years of immortality, but after everything she's been through, it's fucking impossible.

That might as well be canon. 😆 For all I know, it probably is. 🙉🤷‍♀️

Anyway, back to the point before I went on a weird tangent...

Remember, C.C. even asks him that question outright when they were in the Avalon. Remember? Kallen cockblocked them 🤣🤣😂😂

She asked if he hated her after everything she'd done to him (contextually speaking, & not the actual C.C. quote)

Anyway, when Lelouch finds out the terms of the contract... what happens?

He's moved by empathy... Because in his words, "Living just to die is so sad." He's too damn kind. C.C.'s intentions and plans BACKFIRE. It was in this moment that I believe Lelouch starts to understand (like truly 💯 understand) the depth of C.C.'s sadness and her personal tragedy.

He already started doing so in R1 when he saw her many deaths and he said he'll be a demon because she's a witch.

This series has reaffirmed the nature of their relationship as accomplices and partners plenty of times. First it was C.C. reiterating that in early R1, then Lelouch affirms it after the Mao-shooting-C.C.-in-Clovisland incident, and then the one I mentioned where they said they'd be a warlock/demon & a witch.

Now we circle back to R2, where Lelouch learns her true wish and gets to really see her. Like, C.C. in her entirety. From former slave-girl, to Geass-wielder, and then code-bearer.

Their complicated-turned-wholesome relationship has a slow and subtle build-up that mounts to, dare I say, a satisfying conclusion. For me anyway.

Because in the end, Lelouch did motivate C.C. to start living again. And C.C. stuck with Lelouch even if she didn't have to.

And he came to death smiling. 🥺😭

CG isn't about romance.

But if it did have an element of explicit romance between C.C. and Lelouch, I wouldn't have had complaints. It could have been a tragedy still, and I would be happy with it.

“C.C. didn't have to struggle as much for Lelouch's affection and that she got everything handed to her in a silver platter.” <-------- WRONG!

I do believe Lelouch bounces between hating C.C. and needing her. Like a fucking spectrum. And until her true self is revealed to him, I don't think Lelouch saw C.C. as a human being. Just another means to an end.

Lelouch & C.C.'s relationship is as bumpy as Lelouch & Suzaku's, albeit more subtle in its complications. Obviously, the SuzaLuLu dynamic is more fleshed out compared to CLuCLu because duh, CG is Lelouch & Suzaku's story. 😅

I can literally point out every moment where Lelouch is hating on C.C., and when you can tell he's desperate for her help and her presence. (But that's for another post 😂😂) Point is, he does it plenty of times that it's obvious their relationship is far from lovey-dovey hearts and rainbows.

So no, any sliver of implied romance between them is neither forced nor instant. There 👏 was 👏 build 👏 up! 👏

If CLuCLu romance was an actual thing in the show, it would have been so interesting to see the progression.

It's built on a slow but steady train to Love Land 🤣😂 Slow burn at its finest, as I imagine it would have taken two seasons before either Lelouch or C.C. would fess up and confess. Hell, it took them 2 seasons to care about each other deeply in all reality.

If it were a real shoujo romance, it would have been built on a unique trust... you know, the kind that only crops up when you've seen each other's lowest points and still choose to support one another. Unconditional love and all that 🤪🥳

It's not a stretch to say that Suzaku and C.C. saw plenty of moments where Lelouch was at his lowest, rawest moments. Moments where he strips himself of pride and his façade, and he caves to his burdens.

Lovely example of this is the C's World episode,

Also this scene where he calls and begs Suzaku to protect Nunnally...

And the times Lelouch grieves and despairs in C.C.'s presence.

They even added that lovely scene in the Recaps where he's despairing over Suzaku being Lancelot's pilot and having to fight his best friend. And C.C. is there offering him her advice and being the realistic voice.

A Brief Opinion on Re;surrection

The ending of Re;surrection was truly the closing of unfinished business between him and C.C... and as messy as that movie was, I still love that they touched on the profound meaning behind the names C.C. and Lelouch choose for themselves.

Re;surrection is Lelouch & C.C.'s moment 💯! CLuCLu fanservice at its finest. It's actually a decent (not great) alternate route if Lelouch lives after being killed. Plus, it's kind of obvious now that Re;surrection and the Recap films set it up to be CLuCLu end-game.

Still, it could have gone differently. Lelouch could have stayed behind and let C.C. leave. He had a choice. No one was asking Lelouch to go, and C.C. certainly wasn't goading him into leaving with her. Plus, it's obvious people wanted him to stay. Suzaku and Nunnally especially.

So of all the people he could have chosen to be with at the end of that movie, why her then?

Well, probably because C.C. really does know him and understand him on a level that's not easily achievable by many. Only matched by Suzaku, really. (Even Nunnally could admit to never really understanding Lelouch because her older brother shielded her as much as he could from being touched by the true cruelty of the world).

She wasn't handed his affection on a silver platter and vice versa. It's a relationship that developed mutual trust and understanding, even paving the way to noble sacrifice. Also, their sass is fucking on point.

And honestly, ever since Lelouch chose Geass and his path of blood, he wasn't exactly tethered to the world like a normal human being would be anymore. Both the original and alternate timeline express that wonderfully.

After everything he'd been through and the kind of power he'd acquired (both in the original & alternate timeline), I'd say he now exists on a level that's a little bit on par with C.C... Whether he wanted it or not, he tied his own fate to C.C.'s, in a way, when he accepted that contract and by making the choices that he did.

With that said,

In comparison to the main characters shipped with Lelouch -- Shirley, Kallen, and Euphemia -- C.C. (and Suzaku, honestly) have the edge for a romance with Lelouch. (According to my opinion! 👏👏👏)

Lelouch and Suzaku are opposites... Moon & Sun

Lelouch and C.C. are complements... Moon & Star

I know that's fucking cheesy 🧀🧀🧀 But it's the only metaphor I can think of. 😆😅 (Also, can you tell how pro-SuzaCLuCLu I am?)

All of that ⬆️ got me on board the CLuCLu train. And honestly, I don't want to leave.

#code geass #my half-baked #cluclu #analysis #lol #lelouch x c.c #lelouchcc #lelouch vi britannia #lelouch lamperouge #c.c. (code geass)#lulucc #lelouch of the rebellion #code geass fukkatsu no lelouch #wbad blog #wbad ask me #yo i finally did it

31 notes · View notes

trinitywc · 3 years

Note

Hello! I have recently found your blog and subsequently binged the entire story on AO3. Since I love talking about my opinion you can have all the feedback I can think of. Also SPOILER for EVERY CHAPTER! Be warned new readers.

First of all the story seems very well structured to me. Reading it all in one go, no parts seemed to drag or anything. The atmosphere is well conveyed, at the beginning the seemingly endless, depressing war and the danger all cats are constantly in. The second part, after the bomb feels very different. I could practically hear the soundtrack (similar to HBOs Chernobyl of course) full of eery sounds and the air was full with foreboding, mystery and the haziness of sickness. So good Job!

Especially the part with Mallownose hit me hard. Pinefrost never interacted with these kits, but it was still so hard to read. I liked Wooly a lot, so I wish Pinefrost would be just a little bit more open with her. Oh well, can’t undo a lifetime of indoctrination that fast.

Other characters that I liked very much very Flax and Gravel. Warriors often has characters that are either noble and great or absolute villains and no in-betweens. So a character who I read as not wishing bad things on others but simply being selfish or craven, too stuck in their ways to change etc. was very refreshing.

Dandelionfall and Chestnutspike are another interesting pair. Chestnutspike especially was hard to grasp for me, when Pinefrost expressed her dislike for him I was interested in their backstory (were they friends ? Was he a -paw at the same time ? Why does she dislike him so much ? Is it just because of his opinion on the war ?) but it wasn’t revealed, or not as clear / in as much detail as I would’ve wanted. I hope both of them will appear again, and we get some insight into Dandelions and Chestnuts friendship/maybe romance. (?)

Ouzelheart, Shell, and her brother ( im so bad at names I hope you know who I mean) were also interesting to me. How Pinefrost in the beginning felt intimated by Shells eyes, but later she seeks her approval showed the character progress quite well. Ouzelheart is just a cutie, and I wish her good things, assuming she survived. I’m torn between wanting to see her again and wanting her to escape from Clans / everyone else’s squabbles.

I do wonder if we’ll ever get conformation about who else died. I’m especially interested in Sunstars and Kitehearts fate, since it seems those two would bring a lot of conflict to any survivor group. Maybe the fire was bad enough to burn their bodies to nothing, or they’ll show up again.

One thing that wasn’t clear to me (maybe on purpose?) was where exactly the bomb dropped. Was Twolegplace right by the clans the intended target ? If so I can’t imagine that anything still stands upright. Or did it drop a lot further away, maybe behind the cliffs, and the clans where on its outermost shockwave/flame radius ? Did Humans evacuate the place at all or do they just, like, give up and live inside the radiation zone ?

Anyway, that was mostly it for Feedback. Got a bit long, but I hope you don’t mind. My theory’s are that the next part will be about a journey through twolegplace, hopefully to get away from the radiation, and that we will get additional perspectives of more than just Pinefrost. As far as I know Dandelionfall, Baypaw/Blackwillow and Cranestar are important characters, so maybe one of their perspective will be shown. Or they just meet up with Pinefrost. Hopefully none of those cats ever try having kits, cuz that could get really messy and, well, tragic.

Ah thank you so much!!! I love long feedback like this thank you 🥺🥺🥺 as for Chestnutspike and Pinefrost yes they trained together for a moon when she was first an apprentice, and they just don’t click. Sorry if t didn’t come across but I’ve always had Pinepaw/frost not like Chestnutspike in the Clans as he has similar anti-war ideas to her, and is vocal about opposing Kiteheart’s militancy- he gets judged/looked down upon which makes Pinepaw/frost feel bad for her own opinions. They also don’t click, they’re both the same headstrong personality really. As for confirmation of who died well! You’ll just have to see ahaha. The bomb went off over Twolegplace/the city, as for the humans... well you’ll just have to see as well! Love your theories for the next part, can’t confirm toooo much 😌 but yes we will see a journey through the city. No promises on no one having kits though...

#thabk you so much!!!!!#really thank you ong #dont ever worry about toooo long an ask or theory i love em xxxx #asks #warrior cats ocs #warrior cats oc #spoilers

9 notes · View notes

snowdice · 4 years

Text

Gaps in His Files (Part 14) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

They’re so dumb... just... so... dumb.

Note that I just posted Part 13 a minute before this!! Read that first!!!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13

When Patton arrived back at his apartment for the first time since Tuesday afternoon (though it felt like it had been much longer), he decided to finally take Remy’s advice. He grabbed a tub of ice cream, sat down on his couch, and just cried for about two hours before he finally fell asleep. He woke to the sound of frantic knocking on his door. Rubbing his eyes, he stumbled to the door and opened it.

“Put this on!” was the first thing the person on the other side of the door said, thrusting a hanger with a white bag covering its contents at Patton.

“Wha?” Patton asked as Logan shoved his way into the apartment.

“We’re going to be late,” Logan stressed. “We can’t be late, Patton!”

“Late for what? Logan what?” God Patton shouldn’t have left him alone. What was he thinking?

“I forgot about the reservations. How could I forget about the reservations, Patton?”

“Logan?” Patton said cautiously. “Are you okay?”

“I am perfectly well, but we need to be to the park by 6, and I have just remembered all of the ways this could go wrong!” As he spoke, he ripped the bag off his own black suit and hung the other hanger up on Patton’s coat closet door before starting to strip out of his trousers.

Patton paused, hopeful. He seemed… more confused than he had been since he’d lost his memories, but… “You remember something?” he asked softly.

“Oh, I remember everything,” he said waving his hand through the air absentmindedly, standing in the middle of Patton’s apartment in his underwear as he grabbed the dress pants and started to struggle into them.

“You remember?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, the coffee shop, the surgery, the dates, you staying over at my place 81.3% of the time because it’s closer to the hospital, the fact that you leave dried up pens all over my living room,” he blathered as he finished fastening the pants. Once he was done with that, he stepped toward Patton and grabbed his face in his hands. “The fact that you will never go along with my plans without some form of argument. Put the suit on Patton!”

Patton gapped at him for a moment before his mouth slammed shut, his hands clenched at his sides, and his eyes started to well with tears. “Maybe lead with that next time,” he spat.

Logan did that double blink thing he did when he was particularly startled by Patton. “Apologies love, you are correct of course,” and oh, how was Patton supposed to stay mad at that? Patton softened, and, when he titled his head up to look him in the eyes, Logan pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I think we may have a lot to talk about,” Logan said softly, and oh. Oh right. Patton hadn’t really thought though the possible consequences of his outburst now that Logan remembered everything. “But right now, we have somewhere we really need to be. I’ve bought you a suit that will look very pretty on you. Will you please put it on for me, love?”

Patton nodded, brain a whirlwind of emotions, but he got another quick sweet kiss out of it that steadied him enough to do as he asked.

The next thing Patton knew, he was literally flying out of his apartment. Logan said it was the only way they’d make it to wherever they were going on time.

Not wanting to be seen, Logan had to land them a couple of blocks away from the busy park in one of the city’s closer suburbs. He kept looking at his watch as he towed Patton by the hand toward the center of the park

“Um, Logan,” Patton said, “it looks like we aren’t supposed to be here. There aren’t any people and it’s blocked off by rope.” He pointed to said rope with his free hand while trying to tug at the hand in Logan’s grip to make him stop.

He paused and turned to Patton. “Dear, please, in,” he glanced at his watch, “five minutes and 53 seconds, I will be happy to do anything you say, but will you just do as I ask for a little under six minutes?”

“I…fine.”

“Good,” Logan proceeded to pull him towards a blocked off area near the base of the fountain. He searched the ground for something and then pointed at a bit of glow-in-the-dark paint. “Stand there,” he said, and Patton did, shooting him a confused look. “Now face me.”

“Okay…”

Logan took a deep breath now that they were in position. “And with over 30 seconds to spare,” he breathed.

“I still have no idea what’s happening,” Patton pointed out.

“I know,” he replied. “I was supposed to have more than 30 seconds. I was going to walk you slowly through the park and buy you a flower from the vender down the street. I was going to distract you enough that you didn’t even notice the ropes blocking people from this spot, but life got in the way. I should have expected it with you being a doctor and me being me. We have busy lives, difficult lives that get in the way a lot of the time. And you said some things the last few days that worry me and we’re going to have to talk about it and where it came from, but I would like to talk about it. Actually, I insist you talk to someone about it even if it isn’t me. Because our lives are complicated and messy and neither of us are perfect in general or even for each other. But maybe that doesn’t matter because despite all of that, we still somehow made it here in time and I think that might mean something. Something really, really important.”

“Logan sweetie, whatever’s going on, it’s alright. You need to calm down.”

“This is traditionally not a calm sort of thing from what I understand. Anyway,” he said, looking at his watch. “It’s time.”

“What are-” At that moment, the fountain next to them started up, the little white lights that had already been lit on it shimmering like little stars in the moving water.

Logan went down on to his knees and pulled a ring out of his pocket.

“Oh my god.”

“Will you marry me?”

“I…” Patton said. “I thought you didn’t want to get married.”

“What gave you that impression?” he asked.

“You… I asked you to marry me and you didn’t say yes.”

“You did not ask me to marry you.”

Patton stared at him. “I said I wanted to marry you and you said to give you more time.”

He looked like a very confused puppy on his knees in front of Patton. “Yes, for the planning. We had discussed that you would want a dramatic proposal after you expressed a desire to be married.”

“Wha- When did that conversation happen?” Patton asked.

“Two years and 11 months ago in the park by the hospital when we saw a man perform a song to propose to a woman. I had said that those types of proposals made me uncomfortable and you asked me why as you believed they were romantic. I explained that the receiving party would likely feel pressured to say yes in front of a crowd and that such an act could be manipulative. You said we could compromise and that it would be alright if they’d already said they wanted to be married and the other person did it to make them feel loved and surprise them about the day and type of ring, but not the question. You said that would be your ideal proposal.”

“Logan that was our second date.”

“Yes.”

Patton sighed. “Oh honey, I love you. I think we really need to work on our communication skills, but I love you.”

“I would agree after the last few days,” Logan said. “I also love you very much.”

Patton looked down at him still on his knees… because he was proposing. Right. “Oh! And yes! Of course, yes!”

Logan smiled at him softly and Patton wanted to jump up and down, but he also wanted to cry a bit and maybe sorta wanted to throw up a little and not just from the entire tub of strawberry ice cream he’d eaten a couple of hours ago. But the thing he most wanted was what he could tell he was about to get. Logan put the ring on his finger (Patton made a note to actually look at the thing sometime later) and got to his feet before sweeping Patton up into a kiss.

Patton drew back from the kiss feeling lighter than he had in days though not nearly completely perfect. He looked around himself. “Oh, wow,” he gushed. “This is so pretty! You’re so pretty! I’m so pretty! I love this suit. Oh, can we take pictures somehow before we leave?”

Logan laughed at him softly. “I hired photographers of course,” he informed him, preening a little bit, “They doubtlessly got pictures of the proposal and the kiss. We can have them take more if you’d like.”

“Oh, those are going to be wonderful pictures with us in front of the fountain like this. This is the most perfect thing I could ever imagine. I love you so much.” He started to get a bit chocked up. Logan pulled him into a hug and gee, that was even better than the kiss had been, especially because they didn’t have to pull away to breathe for a hug. Logan never even tried to pull back even though Patton kept him wrapped up in his arms for far longer than most hugs ever went. He just pressed a kiss to the top of his head and rubbed his back until the ache in Patton’s chest eased enough for him to feel comfortable pulling back himself.

(And then Patton goes to therapy for 5 years and they both go to relationship counseling for 2 years as I have mentioned in Labels Shift. I do plan to eventually do at least a one-shot of Patton in therapy, but I wanted to end on a happier note.)

Want to read more? Here’s the Epilogue.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #logicality #tsss #superhero au #memory loss #past child abuse #past child neglect #emotional suppression #self deprecation #gaps in his files #labeled universe #relabeled; refiled #adriana writes

80 notes · View notes

sepublic · 4 years

Text

You know, I’m entertaining the concept, the idea… for a fanfiction about Infinity Train? Specifically a hypothetical ‘Book 5’, given the anthological nature of the series. The basic premise is that our cast/main group consists of multiple passengers, each with different numbers of varying length, all from different backgrounds and with a multitude of issues that they’re working through, together.

Perhaps by some stroke of fate, or One-One deciding to experiment with the Infinity Train’s algorithm, these passengers have all come across one another. As ‘Book 5’ progresses (it’s probably going to be a bit longer than your typical Book given its written fanfiction format), our cast grows close and bonds as a very messy, but well-meaning found family… Inevitably, they start to open up more, work on their numbers, etc.

The way they start off isn’t so genuine, of course- Initially our cast of passengers keep their issues and backstories from one another, for fear of judgment, a lack of trust, wariness as to the others who have even higher numbers, etc. But eventually, they begin to tackle different scenarios, and react uniquely to each one… More observant, perceptive passengers note what makes the others tick, and get a guess as to the others’ issues.

Functioning as one another’s support group, they move past being together for physical safety, but otherwise solving their problems on their own… And eventually develop to care for the others and their personal dilemmas. Some may dismiss it at first as believing that helping the others will help THEIR number go down… But it eventually becomes a lot more than that. Regardless, in this hypothetical fanfic, I imagine the personalities and issues of each character will be designed to play off one another, with some cast members contributing to one another’s issues, others being able to counter another, and a few being capable of providing insight here or there. Each of them have a LOT to learn from one another, no one person knows best despite having the lowest number…

What’s more- As the story progresses and begins to near its end, eventually, each passenger from the cast leaves the Infinity Train after their number reaches zero. In anticipation of this, they give each other their phone numbers, addresses, makes plans to regroup and meet up once this is all over. With each cast member’s issues solved, they leave, and the group gets smaller and smaller…

It’s this sense of development, and further incentive to get off the Infinity Train- Because for the remaining passengers, they also want to reunite with their old friends! But for those who take longer than most, I can imagine their being some apprehensions and insecurities… Perhaps there’s going to be a Simon or two, a passenger that never quite learns their lesson, maybe even dies! Be it by their own mistakes, or by a genuine accident, symbolic of how sometimes death can suddenly and abruptly end a person’s life unfairly, before they can ever finish their ‘journey’. I could see some interesting moments between the final two passengers or so, some quiet emotional discussions here or there, maybe a little drama.

How this would all turn out and end, I have no idea- This is just a hypothetical WIP, assuming I’ll ever get started on it. It’d require a LOT of energy, time, passion, creativity, and skill to figure it all out- And it wouldn’t be nearly as nuanced or subtle as the actual show itself, but alas. Still, it’s a fun idea… Especially if the fanfic begins to end with just one passenger left, forced to confront their issues on their own, with only the memories of their missing companions to provide courage and support. It could be an ultimate test, to see how this last passenger functions, alone- A measure of integrity, the ability to retain lessons without the others around to keep them in line or judge.

This does leave the question of who our main-stay denizens will be. There should be at least one, it’s a staple of the series so far! I’d have to wonder how this denizen would function, if they could have their own issues to work through- We might see the other passengers explore the idea of just how much autonomy these denizens have, as NPCs designed to encourage their growth. Would denizens have their own issues to work on, their own character development to go through? Lake was an interesting case as she mirrored a pre-existing, actual human being…

Personally, I’m of the belief that denizens CAN change and grow just like any regular person- Or at least, it’d be more interesting to go this route. Perhaps the question could be left ambiguously, if some denizens are made with the capacity to learn and grow… While others are given static, singular personalities with very little depth. Regardless, having at least one denizen in the cast would provide a constant for the group, and a friend that those who are left behind can count on, no matter how long it takes for their numbers to progress…

And, it’d also leave some angst, especially for the final passenger- Because while everybody has made plans to reunite, there’s this implicit realization that the denizen can’t come along. Perhaps we’ll have a repeat of Book 2’s finale, where the final passenger gets their zero, but works to get their denizen friend a way with them to Earth… Maybe doing so is what gets their number down completely! Or, maybe the denizen has their own life to return to, or at least a home they have on the Infinity Train that they can’t quite abandon…

It’d definitely make for a tearful goodbye for each passenger who leaves. And when they all reunite… I imagine everyone will look to the last passenger to arrive at their destination, the one who made the ‘final goodbye’ to the denizen, to see what that denizen had to say to them all as an ending message. There’d likely be themes of feeling left behind, of feeling stagnant… Thinking that everyone else is moving on ahead of you, while you have yet to grow. There’s the idea of different lives and worlds coming together, then coming and going… People reaching their different stops and destinations, as new arrivals come in. It’d be like being on a train, waiting at various bus stops, and the small little encounters and interactions you have with strangers, before your paths inevitably diverge.

Actually, perhaps it’d make for an interesting twist- For a new passenger to join the group as it dwindles to its final numbers! It’d definitely contribute to the theme of endings being new beginnings, of how people enter your life and leave, just for others to come along… It’s about how different lives and paths can intersect. It’d be a twist if the new passenger actually knew of a passenger that had just recently left. I suppose this fanfic/Book 5 would revolve around connections, an inter-connected web of interactions that bring people together as a community, and the sharing of stories. Chance encounters that don’t last, but still mean a lot…

(Last Train Home would be a perfect song for a trailer, or like… Just in general to listen to while writing and brainstorming.)

There’s a very high chance I won’tactually go ahead and do anything with this concept. At most I’ll offer or air a character concept here or there, but that’s about it. But, it’s food for thought… And hey, maybe this kind of project could be turned into a collaboration amongst multiple fans! As each writer contributes an OC that will become a part of the friend group, amidst discussion of how each OC will interact and contribute to the arcs and development of the other, how some will function as narrative parallels and foils, etc.!

#infinity train #prompts #writing prompts #speculation

25 notes · View notes

wersoverytired · 4 years

Text

Watching the Supernatural finale hours after almost dying is, well. Different.

I cannot stress this enough: MAJOR triggers for frank discussion of a recent suicide attempt (no, not because SPN ended). Steer clear if this might hit too close to home. I'm no longer at risk, this happened a while ago and is over, and my care manager is aware.

Right, and spoilers for the series finale.

_____ _____ _____

I'm old enough to have been a fan of SPN since 2005. And considering the fact that childhood abuse had me suicidal at around age 12, probably earlier, it's safe to say that I have never watched the show without that constant battle going on in the background, unrelated.

When Dean said he was tired, that he was done, I got it. When Sam asked in that abandoned chapel what the upside was to him being alive, or when he confided in his brother in a hotel hallway that he had always felt unclean somehow, I could relate. There was more to the show than that, of course -- the love, the loyalty, the humor -- but the struggle was another point of connection.

As both the show and I grew long in the tooth, and my life circumstances were progressive getting worse (as they sometimes do when you carry untreated trauma), I used SPN and the fandom as a comfort. And increasingly, living to see how the Winchester story ends became one of those grappling hooks you latch on to when you look for reasons to keep going just a little longer.

Naturally, that didn't (and couldn't) arm me against the waves of acute, hope-obliterating, soul-sucking despair that can routinely crash on your head when you're dealing with poverty, chronic physical illness and disability -- and in a harsh country, too -- as well as being severely post traumatic and dissociative. Saving me was never the show's job, nor should it have been. I used it as much as I could, though.

The more I felt like I had to die, the more I tried. Dying hardly ever comes naturally, not even when you feel like there's no other way. Painfully isolated and increasingly bedridden, I watched convention panels and smiled so hard my face hurt. Other times I cried. And I made online friends, often through the fandom, who made life less empty. Who loved and laughed and cried with me from afar. It's hard to overstate the effect that can have when you're trapped in a body that's pretty much your cage, with a mind that's wounded and struggling.

I kept fighting. But I also kept finding myself, over and over again, faced with the reality that most people who are deeply traumatized, certainly those who are also severely dissociative, get to know early on: the world excels at letting many of us know that there's no place for us. Fighting hard to survive with about 10% of what I need to live, I sometimes find it hard not to listen to that toxic message that many survivors and disabled folks hear and feel coming at them over and over: you're too broken to justify the cost and effort of keeping you alive.

It's been an especially hard couple of years in that sense. And as the finale was months, then weeks, then days away, I kept telling myself to wait. Wait for that. Decide later. "Deciding later" is a survival technique I've been using for decades now whenever I get actively suicidal. It's not a bad one.

So that very last Thursday evening (or very late night, where I live) came around. And it so happens that I was at the very end of my rope. Again, for unrelated reasons to the show ending, obviously. And I couldn't go on.

The finale was hours away, and off I went on that same journey. Wait. Wait just long enough to see how it ends. It's been 15 years. You've survived so far, and that bit of closure, at least, is within reach. Just fucking wait to watch that last episode; see how they go before you do. Let that be the one last kind thing you do for yourself.

I kept telling myself that even as I numbly went through my final checklist.

I know it hurts so much. I know this damn body is tortured beyond what you can stand, I know we've been told it's about to get even worse. And hours more of this seem like an eternity. Watching anything seems impossible. I know the PTSD is intolerable, I know you can't sleep, you live in constant fear and rage and exhaustion; I know you're alone in this.

I know you live in a place that has made its peace with people like you dying of Covid, and finds it a small price to pay for refusing to wear masks. I know how that makes you feel, to be told that your life is worth that little because you're disabled. I know 9 months of what amounts to house arrest, while living alone, have made everything so much worse. I know you just want to go.

But wait to watch how it ends. And decide later. You can go later. You can.

And I almost made it. I mean, I'm obviously still here, so I eventually survived. But I tried not to. I couldn't wait.

Sometimes, when you get to the lowest low point, when you are in all-encompassing agony, when your circumstances leave no room for hope even though you desperately want to live -- and I do, I so want to live -- no show, no fandom, no unfinished story can keep you from taking that step over the edge. Many times it can, but there are places where nothing has any meaning. Thursday night became one of those. Watching the finale was a faded notion in the background of all that agony, and then it was nothing at all.

I only managed to write one goodbye letter. Hard to be as organized as you imagined you would be, hard not to leave unforgivable loose ends. I have no memory of what the letter said, and I can't look at it, not yet. It's tucked away now, just out of view.

And then I went about doing the only thing that I felt could be done.

I didn't get to go away. Both because I couldn't stand the torment of the only method I had handy, though I sure gave it my best efforts -- two more minutes would have sealed the deal -- and because I was fucking afraid to die. All the way through, until I gave up and stopped what I was doing.

Fear of dying when you're your own executioner is an odd thing. Your body wants out of this plan you've made for you both. It responds like you'd expect when someone's life in under threat. It makes you have to run to the bathroom over and over, it makes your heart hammer in your chest and your ears ring.

There was no crying. Not at that point. I don't think there was crying when I gave up and accepted that I was staying alive, either. But I can't remember.

I don't know what I did during the few hours after that. The physical consequences of what I did were gone within half an hour or so -- being so ill, I knew not to try something that would land me in the ER during COVID, should I not complete the plan. I'd also be on my own there, and most likely dissociated to such a degree that I wouldn't be able to move or speak. That's not something I ever wanted to experience again, and a fucking horrible starting point if I survived.

Anyway, I was okay physically soon enough, which is not how it usually goes. I just remember being fuzzy and distant and alone. There was no one to call, and I also thought about how it would feel to get a call like that. I considered a crisis hotline, but didn't have the energy to explain my messy, complicated circumstances. I probably just lay there.

A few hours later, I was present enough to watch the finale. Still don't know how. Dissociation has it occasional advantages, one of which is being disconnected from certain things when it's all too much. And so I watched the final episode in bed, with the aftermath of that suicide attempt still all around me.

I watched Dean die the way he did. I watched Sam die. I watched them both being given the pained, tearful reassurance that it was okay to go. Watched them being held, watched those two strong, kindhearted, emotional, loyal men crying as they breathed their last. Dean's death, especially, broke my heart. He so clearly did not want to die. Was afraid, more than ever before.

I did cry then. I sobbed. I could cry for them. Hell, I could cry for that dog, wandering with Sam through the empty halls of the bunker. I cried as that dog looked up, with all that trust and love, at the only human he had left. I cried for Sam, sitting drained and aching in the dark library. Saying "I know, me too" on the unmade bed in Dean's cold, empty room.

Before that, back in the barn, I watched Dean not want to go. Sam begging him not to go, then forcing himself to tell his older brother what he needed, what he begged to hear. That he wasn't abandoning the one person he had spent his life looking out for. That Sam would survive him going, now that he had to go.

I never saved the world, and there's nothing heroic about me. But so much of what went on around those characters' deaths echoed what I had felt hours earlier, what I still was feeling. It gave me a safe way to cry for that, too.

I will always be grateful to the show for that small mercy. And grateful to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, whom I've never met and never will, and have given such phenomenal performances here that they reached through all that distance, to unknowingly touch an ache that I could not cry for. They'll never know that. I imagine there are so many people like me who feel the same gratefulness, too, for their own similar moments of human connection.

The show is over now, and I try not to be sad about that, and I'm sure I will be. It would be sadder if I didn't feel a loss. Meanwhile, life doesn't stall just because you tried to stop your own. It's around two weeks later now, bright and loud outside my window in a world that's not safe for me to go out in, and I am lying in bed in a half-lit room trying to manage my pain. I didn't die. I'm still here.

I can't pretend I'm glad that I am, but I also know that I'm not ready to go yet. I'm just not. I have no good reason for that; sometimes you're just too afraid to die. And so I can't see myself trying to go away again any time soon. My health might take care of that for me anyway, but otherwise, looks like I'm stuck on this ride.

I'm very grateful that I've had SPN and its people for so long through this battle, to give me and the rest of the fandom so much more than meets the eye. And I'm grateful for that last, good cry, too.

Well, not the last cry, for sure. There's always rewatch #475783.

#spoilers #supernatural finale #triggering stuff #surviving #Suicide #supernatural 15x20 #supernatural #15x20 spoilers #ptsd #cptsd #trauma

15 notes · View notes

star-sky-earth · 4 years

Text

My top tips for writing smut

Inspired by the following question from the Author Asks meme. Thanks for the question @marauders-groupie !

20. What is your best piece of advice for writing smut scenes?

I’ve not been writing for very long, but these are all the things that I’ve learnt about writing smut over the last year, that I wish I’d consciously realised before.

The majority of these are about smut scenes in longer, chaptered fics, not shorter one-offs/prompt fills.

1. Sex doesn’t mean anything unless it means something.

When writing sex scenes in a long-form fic, think about why you’re including it. Is it purely because its hot or kinky (so, a focus on relationship dynamics or plot or the situation)? Is it to show character progression or relationship development (so, a focus on internal monologue, interactions, dialogue)? Is it both? What will be different after the scene? To write a good sex scene, you need to know yourself why you’re including it, what you’re trying to show, and why you’re including it now at this point in the story. It’s writing 101, but it’s important, and it’ll make your writing much more interesting and smoother.

If you’re just including a sex scene because you think it’s expected or you don’t know what else to do, it’ll probably show in the finished work.

2. Write as much, or as little as you want.

This applies two ways: a) how many sex scenes you write and b) how explicit you make them. Write what you wanna write, and don’t feel like just because you wrote a super explicit sex scene last chapter, you need to write a sex scene this chapter or be that explicit again. It’s all about variety as a reader and a writer, and mixing it up often works surprisingly well, especially in long-form fics.

3. You don’t have to write everything from start to finish.

You don’t have to write the entire sex scene from start to finish if you don’t want to! You can ‘fade in’ halfway through to show the ending, or fade in halfway out and just show the beginning. Sometimes you just wanna show a certain moment because it has a specific emotional beat you wanna hit, and the rest of it isn’t that special. Once I realised you could do this, it took so much pressure off me as a writer and stopped me feeling that I had to write sex ‘just for the sake of’ writing sex. Also, this way readers get to imagine the rest of it exactly how they want to.

4. Sex isn’t tit for tat.

Sometimes sex scenes can feel a bit formulaic, because the writer wants to show that each partner is equally into it, and they’re not sure how to do it, so they feel pressured to a) make sure they both come an equal number of times or b) they both do the same things to each other. So - petting/petting, handjob/handjob, oral/oral, then sex. And yeah, naturally, if that’s what your characters actually want to do and you want to write, fine. That will come across perfectly. But if you’re just writing it because you feel like you have to get everything in there, and it’s somehow unfair for one person to get oral and not the other, then you’re bored and disengaged and the readers can tell.

This reminds me a lot of porn, where a lot of videos hit exactly the same beats and show the performers doing every act. Porn films don’t do this because it’s sexier - they do it because it’s value for money, and they’ll increase their revenue/viewership by having something for everybody. It also, to be blunt, makes it easier for people to get off to it because they can time their actions to what they already know is gonna happen.

5. Once people have sex, it doesn’t mean that they *have* to have sex.

I feel like I see this so much in long-form fics, especially slow burn fics or ones with lots of UST. Two people meet each other, there’s thousands of words of pining and meaningful looks...they start off slow with just a couple of kisses...then there’s some heavy petting or oral or hand-jobs...then they have full penetrative sex...then suddenly it’s just all full penetrative sex, all the time. Even if they do continue to do other acts, it tends to be ‘foreplay’ and just one of the ‘steps’ towards penetrative sex. And suddenly, I’m bored.

In my experience, this isn’t the way that sex or relationships work. People seek sexual contact for all kinds of reasons, and sex doesn’t look the same every time. Maybe you just wanna sleepily snuggle and rub together, and make out a bit. Maybe you wanna give someone a quick blow-job and you’re fine until later. Maybe you’re drunk as fuck and you know you can’t get it up, but hell yeah, let your partner get their toys out and go to town and you’ll just enjoy the view. As a reader, mixing it up with different types of physical and sexual contact is far more interesting to read, not just because it’s more variety, because it speaks to the different moods and emotional states of your characters over the length of the story. Tension doesn’t just go away because someone penetrated someone else, or at least it shouldn’t. And as a writer, once again, it’s more fun to write a variety of different scenes!

6. Everyone doesn’t have to come every time.

As I said before, people have sex all the time for lots of different reasons. Sometimes (often) it’s not about the orgasm. Sometimes it’s about seeking comfort or emotional intimacy, or because it’s an exciting and dangerous situation, or just to show appreciation or love. Sometimes (often) one partner won’t come. And that’s okay! And that doesn’t mean the sex was bad! If both parties got what they wanted from it, then it was good sex.

Also - orgasm denial (self denial, or denial from others) can be very sexy. The tension itself can be pleasurable.

People’s opinions will vary on this. For some people, they read smut for the fantasy and want the sex to be a bit more ‘perfect’ and aren’t so bothered about being able to see themselves in the characters. For others, they want/crave realism and for things to be a little bit more messy. Both ways are fine, I guess I just verge towards the realism a bit more.

7. Find the little ways to show emotion.

It’s not always about big declarations of love, or massive internal monologues about how this is the best sex ever and everything previously has been shit by comparison. Sometimes, the best way to demonstrate how characters feel about each other is the tiny gestures or actions. Like, a character adjusting their stance so that the other person is more comfortable. Someone brushing their hand over the other person’s hip. A character checking in mid-scene to make sure that the other person is still into it if it’s getting kinky - maybe not even verbally, but glancing at their face to check their expression and their body language. Your readers notice what your characters notice, so get them to note the little things and it’ll be far more effective than shouting ‘I love you!’ at climax.

As I said, I’m just a beginner so if anyone else has any tips or lessons on writing smut, I’d love to hear them!

#my writing

340 notes · View notes

mae-gi-writes · 4 years

Text

Deobi Playlist (EP 3) | The Boyz Imagine

Ep 3: In which Juyeon has a complicated relationship with food.

The Boyz x Hospital Playlist inspired drabble series.

Main Characters: Hyunjae, Juyeon, Kevin and OC (Mae)

Sides: the rest of The Boyz.

Genre: fluff, slice of life, comedy, BROMANCE BRUH

EP 1 | EP 2 | EP 3 | EP 4 | EP 5 | EP 6 | EP 7 | EP 8 | EP 9 | EP 10 | EP 11

-----------

“Did you eat?”

Juyeon looks up from his monitor with bleary eyes, rubbing the sleep away when he spots Kevin leaning against the white office door with two bowls of instant noodles.

He shakes his head, “not yet. Wanted to finish this report first.”

Tutting like a mother hen, Kevin closes the door behind him and turns on the electric kettle set atop the fridge separating Juyeon and Hyunjae’s desks. The office is cramped and filled with so many documents that one can barely see past the messy pile of papers surrounding the pair, but while Kevin continuously nags the two to get it together and that organization is a charm in itself, Hyunjae is by no means, someone who takes orders the right way. He has the tendency to do the polar opposite.

Pushing some papers to the side to crack open the bowl’s lids, he asks, “you’re not dieting again, are you?”

“What?” Juyeon frowns, glancing back at the older man, “no, I don’t even have time to think about that.”

“That’s exactly what you said back then too,” Kevin replies with a pointed look. He grabs the kettle from the stand to pour the hot water over the dried noodles, swirling it around so that an equal layer of steam rises from the bowl and causes Juyeon’s nostrils to twitch with temptation. He sighs in resignation, before pushing himself up from his office chair to join the raven-haired doctor on the tiny couch cramped in the middle of their space. It had once been Hyunjae’s brilliant idea, suggesting that it could be a way for them to have a quick snooze in-between shifts.

It is sad to say that Juyeon has never slept on this couch, not because he never had the chance, but he finds it harder to ignore work if he’s just sitting in the same room, breathing in the same air as his responsibilities.

When Kevin pushes one of the bowls towards Juyeon, he breathes in the scent of fake chicken flavour, memories hitting him like a ton of bricks whenever he eats those kinds of junk food. It reminds him of his past, of how he’d gorge himself with sweet treats in order to fill that growing emptiness inside his stomach, the sickening guilt that curled up inside him like an unwanted creature as an unsteady ache would settle over his stomach. He remembers how he’d force himself to throw up, shoving two fingers down his throat as a way to alleviate his efforts. Again and again, that cycle had continued for more than six months, and no one had ever bothered noticing.

The thing with Juyeon is that, underneath that shy and quirky exterior, is a man filled with self-doubt. Having been raised to always do better than his older siblings, Juyeon always felt inferior in comparison to the academic achievements of his sister, or the social prowess and the easy-goingly fluid charisma that oozed off his older brother. But Juyeon wasn’t skilled at academics, he hated learning and studying in general, and since he had the confidence of a goldfish out of water the moment he felt people’s eyes on him, it had been safe to claim that he had not inherited any of his brother’s charisma either.

“I wouldn’t go there, Kevin,” Juyeon murmurs when he notices the worry in his friend’s almond eyes, creases appearing like permanent lines scrunching up in the middle of his brows, “not after…”

He allows the words to hang in the air, not really sure whether voicing them out loud will make things better or worse.

“I know,” Kevin says after a moment, but Juyeon notices the tension in his shoulders, the way his knuckles seem to protrude as he holds on to his spoon in a death grip, “I just--I don’t want to see you like that again. It--It almost killed me.”

“Oh don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not,” Kevin’s eyes settle over his, hard and fiery with a determined light, “I’m not being ridiculous. You would-ve--You would’ve--” stumbling over his words, he swallows thickly and continues, “you would’ve died. If...If I hadn’t found out.”

“And you did, and now this is all in the past,” Juyeon nudges his knee as a sign of affection, “I’m alright, okay? I promise.”

“You better damn well keep that promise.”

Juyeon knows without a doubt, that Kevin’s concern stems from that very first moment they started talking; when Kevin found him half-passed out from another vomiting spell, chest heaving and gasping like he’d just run a marathon, and blood dribbling down his mouth because he’d hurt himself trying to stuff his fist down his throat.

Being only sixteen at the time had caused Kevin to burst into an outright bout of panic. He had dropped to Juyeon’s side without any second thought before shaking the half-dazed boy out of his spell.

“Hey, hey are you okay? Can you hear me?” he spotted the blood coating the side of Juyeon’s mouth, “oh my god.”

He quickly ripped some tissue paper, and dabbed at his face while his other hand checked for a pulse, relieved to notice that it was there, albeit its weakness.

Juyeon had tried shrugging him off, “I’m alright,” his murmur barely made it out of his lips, “just--leave me alone.”

“And what? See you die?” Kevin was already pulling him up by the arm, “no. We’re going to the nurses’ office. Now.”

Which was how the two found themselves in the nurse’s office where Juyeon was diagnosed as anorexic. Not that it was surprising, for the latter had known that his symptoms weren’t normal, had looked up his tendencies to realize that they were definitely not normal human behaviour. Not only was it embarrassing for a full-grown man to have issues concerning food, but the fact that Kevin had found him -- and mind, Kevin at that time had been what all the boys had wished to be; the smart, foreign student who aced all his classes and who was charmingly attractive without even the slightest smidge of effort -- made Juyeon’s issues even more embarrassing.

He’d swivelled around to face the said man the moment they had stumbled out into the hallway.

“Please,” Juyeon’s voice had broken with emotion,his stomach tight and coiled with apprehension, “please don’t tell anyone about this, they’ll all make fun of it, they will think I’m crazy and--”

“I won’t tell them.”

Juyeon’s eyes shot up to meet Kevin’s. His face was soft and open, understanding glimmering through those almond orbs that usually seem so reserved, and Juyeon’s mouth ran dry as the meaningless excuses slowly died at the back of his throat. The only thing he managed to muster out was a soft, “t-thank you,” when really, there had been so many more things he’d wished to say. But Kevin, bless his soul, had merely smiled back.

From that moment onwards, they had come to a silent agreement of acknowledging each other. It started off with small nods and quick smiles in-between classes, progressing slowly into verbal greeting and casual ‘how are you’s’ whenever they bumped into each other outside their circle of friends. Every time that happened, Kevin ensured that he was doing fine, that he was making time to see a Nutritionist and a Psychiatrist at least once a week, and though it shouldn’t have mattered what Kevin thought when it came to Juyeon’s personal life, his chest had glowed with happiness when catching sight of the pride radiating off Kevin’s face. It was then that Juyeon realized that Kevin, despite not even being his close friend, knew so much more about him that he could imagine.

Kevin, the foreigner, the one who’d suffered through countless judgements and mindless criticism because he came from the other end of the world and wasn’t initially fluent in their language, Kevin who had never even spoken a word to him...Kevin had saved him.

And Juyeon would forever be grateful.

“Hey Kevin,” Juyeon glances over at the said man as they slurp their noodles, “thanks, by the way.”

He notices Kevin’s confusion, but adamantly keeps his focus on the now soggy noodles floating in his container, “for what?”

“For saving me.”

“Oh come on,” Kevin groans and Juyeon can’t help the smile crawling up his face, “if you’re so thankful, how about shadowing me next time?”

“I told you I’m not good with kids.”

“That’s what shadowing is all about.”

“Uhm, no I’ll pass thanks.”

Kevin pouts, “I saved your life.”

“You can’t use that against me. Besides, me being there will only traumatise the children in the ward.”

Kevin lets out a loud sigh, muttering something along the lines that it is so hard to get young doctor interns to get interested in jobs like pediatricians when there are so many other possibilities like neurosurgery. No wonder Hyunjae has no issues and is practically veneered by all.

“Fine. You win,” Kevin mutters while throwing him the scariest glare he can muster up. Unfortunately for him, he looks more like a kitten than a tiger, and Juyeon snorts with laughter at his friend’s attempt to look threatening.

“I love you man,” Juyeon grins.

“I love you too. But please clean your office more often.”

44 notes · View notes