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spencerspecifics · 3 years

Note

HI HI HI PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WRITE MOREID AT PRIDE AND SOME PINING AND SPENCER THINKS DEREK IS STRAIGHT BUT HE ISN'T AND THEY KIIIITTTTTHHHHH

I absolutely love your energy fuck yes!! I’m so sorry this took forever, ive got school, work and some other personal things happening so I appreciate your patience!

No TW, B u t, a creep hits on Spencer at pride, so if that is upsetting please note that! Thanks :)

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Pride

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Garcia had been pestering Spencer about going to pride for the past week now, and it was slowly driving him insane.

He used almost every excuse he could think of. When he first turned her down, he had simply said, “Sorry, I’m going to be busy that week.” And of course, Garcia being Garcia, she stole his calendar to see what he was busy with (spoiler alert: he had nothing. Except a reminder to go grocery shopping, and email some professors and research scientists back).

So, she persisted, and he came up with a dozen more excuses; “I was considering flying out to see my mom”, “The local museum has a new interactive archeology exhibit for adults, and I want to learn more about ancient structures”, “I have to do a presentation on thermodynamics”.

None of those excuses work, as she sniffed out every lie, “Spencer, you hate flying to Vegas last minute, that archaeology exhibit has been open for months, and your calendar is empty!”

So with her persistence, and legitimate bullying, Spencer found himself finally agreeing. “Fine, but come over to my apartment before we leave so you can help me.” After all, he wasn’t really familiar with pride parades, and what the scene was like there. He was going to be a fish out of water, he already knew that for certain.

True to her word, Garcia showed up an hour before the pride parade was set to start, carrying a coffee in each hand- how she possibly knocked on his apartment door, Spencer didn’t know.

“I brought you a pick me up, that way you have no excuse to be in a bad mood!” She spoke in her signature sing song voice as Spencer let her inside, she barreled in like a hurricane. God, Spencer wasn’t ready for this.

“Thanks..” Spencer decided to reply with that lame response, and not with what he was actually thinking. He took the coffee from her wordlessly as she stepped in further, going to sit down on his couch.

“You excited?” Garcia asked as she set her cup down on his cluttered coffee table. Reid just shrugged, “I don’t know. I don’t do great with crowds.”

“But you do great with disarming murderers?” “You know that’s different-” Spencer said, doing his best to argue, “Reid it is literally not. Both are anxiety inducing, but one is life or death, and it’s not pride. So you can do this.”

Spencer sighed, resigning himself to not arguing with Garcia. Because she was right, though at times her arguments sounded wild. He just had to get over this anxiety and show up at pride, he could do this, right?

Wrong. So, very, wrong. They had left his apartment with thirty minutes to spare, deciding to walk over to where pride was being held- as it was only a few blocks away in a public park.

And as soon as they got there, Spencer wanted out. There were so many people, more than he estimated (and his estimations were usually spot on.), and there was just chaos everywhere. Music, dancing, shouting, singing, drag queens running around happily. Spencer wasn’t sure what to do. He was out of his element.

Garcia seemed to sense that, though, as she dragged Spencer over to some stalls that sold pride flags, pins, and other miscellaneous pride related things.

“C’mon Reid, why don’t you look around and find something you like?” She offered up, something for him to do- something for him to stay busy with. He could do that. Spencer nodded simply, Garcia stayed by his side- looking at pride related wear for herself.

Spencer ended up deciding on a small pin that simply said; “love all”, planning to stick it on his messenger bag strap. Garcia bought a pin as well, but hers just had her pronouns on them; “she/her/hers”.

Looking at all the pride apparel was a good distraction for Spencer, he felt a lot more calmer now- though that didn’t stop him from feeling like he stuck out like a sore thumb. He’s just not familiar with this world, and it’s awkward to suddenly be in the middle of it.

Spencer was in the middle of looking at another booth that sold flags, possibly considering buying himself a small one to stick in his pencil cup at work, because Garcia left him to go compliment a drag queen- when a voice broke through.

“Hey, pretty boy!”

That was a voice all too familiar, what on earth was Morgan doing here? Spencer looked up at him as he made his way towards him. “Hey,” Spencer spoke awkwardly. Not sure what to say.

Spencer was gay. He was fine with admitting he was gay, but he hadn’t really told the team. He thought they figured it out on their own. And they probably had, but still, having his coworker see him at a pride event- it was anxiety inducing.

“What’re- what’re you doing here?” Spencer asked, stumbling over his words as he dropped the small flag he was holding back onto the vendors table.

“Oh, well I’m on the local PFLAG committee. I’m just here to hand out flyers and stuff. But I’m glad to see you’re here, I’m guessing Garcia’s here too?” He asked Spencer casually, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb on Spencer.

He was on the PFLAG committee? Why? To help queer people, obviously, but that had to mean he was gay or something- Spencer couldn’t stop his mind from coming up with every possible answer to why Derek was on the committee.

Spencer just nodded in response, he moved himself back from the vendors table to get out of the way, so other customers could look at the flags being sold.

“Yeah, she’s- there.” Reid pointed her out, as if on cue she came out of the thick crowd that had started to gather back up, the parade portion of pride had concluded by now, and people were coming over to the vendors section.

“Hey, Babygirl!” Derek called over to her, and Garcia somehow lit up with a smile brighter than the one she was wearing before, “Well, hey!” She responded enthusiastically, walking up swiftly to give Derek a quick embrace, which he happily returned.

“I wasn’t sure how long you were staying for, but I’m glad I caught you!” Garcia started rambling to Derek, about how the drag queen she met was so nice; “Her name was Mysteria Hysteria. Isn’t that genius?”.

Spencer just stepped back from them both, not sure what to do, not sure if he fully belonged. Pride was a nice event, it was. But the longer he stood around, the more he felt like he should be leaving. Everyone was laughing and smiling, everyone was just happy. And Spencer couldn’t stop racking his brain. In the beginning, he couldn’t stop thinking because of his anxiety, but now he was searching his brain for a reason why Derek was here and what it meant.

Of course, a stupid large portion of Spencer’s mind went to “maybe Morgan likes men”, and then an even larger and stupider portion of his mind had the absurdity to think; “maybe he’s interested in me”. Which Spencer did not even want to remotely entertain, because if he fell down that rabbit hole, he’d never climb back out.

Because yes, he did like Derek. He liked him a lot, the start for his liking towards the man was innocuous enough- which is why it was a problem for Spencer. He didn’t realized he liked Morgan until it was too late. And now he had been battling these feelings for years. Spencer wasn’t ever going to act on them, he just had to live with them- which he had been doing, which he has been content with. But this new information, about Morgan being here, being part of PFLAG- it was going to make Reid’s mind implode in on itself.

Reid decided the best thing was to say; “I’m gonna get some water, I’ll be back.” To which Derek and Garcia both nodded to, and Spencer was off, away from the vendors stand and the only two people he knew at pride.

And while that was a good thing, it was simultaneously not so good. Because now he was alone, overwhelmed, and thinking too much. And now he had a task to do, find himself some water.

That task seemed to be more difficult than anticipated, as the prides layout was a confusing maze, spencer had to pass in front of a group of drag queens in order to get to the food trucks that were on site- but he eventually got there.

He walked up to the first food truck he saw, it didn’t matter what they sold, he wasn’t getting it.

“What can I get for you?” The cashier asked him, “Just a water, please.” He ordered, the cashier nodded and pulled a bottle out from a cooler that was nearby within the truck, handing it over to spencer as they told him his total, a dollar twenty five. Spencer paid quickly, stepping back and away from the food truck, as he wasn’t sure where else to go now. He didn’t want to go back towards Derek or Garcia, he honestly wanted to go home.

He just needed a minute, some space and time to breathe and relax. He was stressing himself out. And about what? Nothing of goddamn importance, just a stupid crush he had been living with for a while now.

Spencer had been leaning against the back the food truck for not long, only a couple of minutes as he was absorbed in thought as he fiddled with the cap on the water bottle.

He was doing his best to follow the grounding techniques he had learned, something to help him calm down, when suddenly- a stranger emerged out of the crowd.

“Hey there, handsome.” The man said confidently as he strode up to introduce himself Spencer. Spencer looked up to meet his eyes, the man in question was a fine looking guy, chiseled jawline, long shoulder length hair, a bit of facial stubble. He was handsome. “Hello,” Spencer answered hollowly in response. In an ordinary situation, he would try and seem more lively- but he wasn’t in a normal situation, not at all.

The anxiety of attending pride was stress enough on its own, but now knowing the guy he had been drooling over for years was here- and worked as a PFLAG volunteer? It was enough to make him lose his mind.

The man didn’t seem to notice Spencer’s empty response, however, as he answered suavely in response; “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the way. I’m Fabian,” Thankfully, the man- Fabian, didn’t stick his hand out for a handshake, instead casually pushing his hair back a bit.

“I’m Spencer,” Reid replied simply, knowing it was best to ride this odd social interaction out, rather than try and fight it. “That’s a lovely name,” Fabian complimented, “Is this your first time at pride, Spencer?” He asked him casually, taking a step forward, closer to Spencer. He was all too confident for Spencer, he too comfortable with invading Spencer’s space. If Spencer could’ve, he would’ve stepped back.

“Uh, yeah. My friend dragged me along.” Reid explained, twisting the bottle cap back onto his half empty water bottle. Fabian nodded, “Your boyfriend didn’t take you?” Fabian asked him. That was a leading question, Spencer had alarm bells ringing in his head the second he heard it. “No. He- um- he met up with us here.” Spencer replied unconvincingly, Fabian obviously did not believe a word he said.

“Well,” Fabian took another step forward, practically blocking Reid in against the back of the food truck, leaning in farther to whisper in Spencer’s ear; “I don’t see him around. So, why don’t you and I get out of here? Hm?”

Spencer wasn’t sure of what to do. He wanted to kick this guy in the crotch and just book it, but he wasn’t sure if his FBI status would protect him in this scenario. He wasn’t sure what could protect him in this scenario.

“Pretty boy! There you are!” A saving grace broke through, and suddenly Fabian was stepping back, and Morgan was walking up.

Thank god, thank fucking god, that’s all Spencer could manage to think as Derek came to stand beside him. “Hey, babe.” Spencer said, cringing at his voice, at what he just said. But that feeling only lasted for a moment as Fabian was still standing right there, staring them both down now.

Spencer could only throw his wish in the sky and hope Derek caught it coming down, ‘please catch along to why I’m calling you babe’ Reid was trying to say.

And Derek caught it, “Hey, baby, was worried about you. Who’s your friend?” He said in his smooth voice, a voice Spencer couldn’t forget. He especially couldn’t forget now, being called ‘baby’ was something Spencer especially could not forget.

“I’m Fabian, you’re Spencer’s boyfriend?” Fabian asked, as if them both calling each other ‘babe’ counted for nothing. “Yeah, I’m Derek.” Morgan responded simply, sliding his hand around Spencer’s waist as if to prove a point. Fabian just nodded, looking between Spencer and Derek one last time before talking; “Well, it was nice to meet you, I’ve gotta get going. See you.”

And then, he was off, fast walking away from Derek and Reid, escaping the terrible situation he had created. Fabian quickly disappeared into the thick crowd, and by then Spencer had his hand squeezing his water bottle all too tightly- as evident by the terrible crunch sound it made. He was too anxious to let go.

“Hey, are you okay?” Derek asked him softly, pulling his hand away from Spencer’s waist. “Can we find somewhere else- can we go sit down?” Spencer asked him quickly. Reid didn’t want to talk about it right this second, right where it had happened. He wanted to leave, he wanted to leave pride and never come back.

Derek didn’t ask a single follow up question as he led Reid away from the food trucks, taking him back towards the vendors stands, and then a bit further back, into the normal-not-so-pride-parade-filled park area. Somewhere less stressful, less scary.

“What did that guy want?” Derek asked Spencer casually as they made their way towards a bench that was sat under a large oak tree. Spencer didn’t speak right away, instead he waited until they were seated to start talking.

“He was trying to flirt, but then he wanted me to leave with him.” Spencer explained as he took a deep breath in, just being away from all the loud sounds and sights was helping him calm down. Derek rubbed Spencer’s back in slow, circular motions as Spencer kept talking.

“He was a classic example of a narcissistic personality, it just made me so uncomfortable- he invaded my space.”

“He was a creep, Reid. Simple as that,” Derek kept rubbing Spencer’s back slowly, Spencer nodded. “I know. Sorry, it shook me up.” Spencer attempted to apologized, and Derek was immediately having none of that.

“Reid, no. Don’t apologize for that, don’t you dare. He was a creep, I’m sorry you got caught up with him. It’s okay if you’re shaken up. We can stay here until you feel up to going back, or we can leave. But I’m not leaving you.”

And so they sat for a good amount of time on that park bench, at one point Derek stopped rubbing Spencer’s back, instead just keeping his arm stretched out against the back of the bench and against Spencer’s back. Spencer loved it, but he knew if he thought about it for too long he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking. That was his biggest problem, he couldn’t stop thinking.

He had to know, he decided, he couldn’t just wonder why Derek was on the committee for PFLAG. He wanted to know, he had to.

“Derek?” He spoke up softly, sounds of laughing and shouting and music were still heard in the distance, but they were safe from the sounds under the tree. “Mhm?” Derek hummed in response, looking up at the aforementioned tree that was providing shade for them.

His eyes were tracing the way the branches curved and bent around each other, it was something he did to pass the time. Spencer thought he was extraordinary for it, Derek loved to see where things went; he was curious- after all these years, and all the bad they had seen together, Derek still loved to search and find the beauty.

“Why are you on the PFLAG committee ?” Spencer asked him, it was thankfully an innocuous enough ask to not draw too much of Derek profilings side out to pry apart his question. Derek shrugged, and was quiet for a second before responding, “I know what it’s like to be a scared kid, unsure of his identity. If I can help someone through that, that’s all that matters. Same reason I’m in the BAU, to help people.”

Spencer stayed quiet, Derek’s reason was so sincere and so sweet and kind- and only driving him to think further. Was Derek still unsure of his identity? Was he an ally? Why did he have to make Spencer swoon so hard without even trying?

“So, you’re just an ally?” Spencer approached Derek carefully with that question, not wanting to impose or be rude- but just feign simple curiosity, praying Derek wasn’t using his profiling skills right now to decode Spencer’s fake motive.

Derek didn’t notice, thankfully, as he chuckled lowly in response; “No, pretty boy, I’m bisexual. I don’t really tell the team, but it’s not confidential information. Plus, Garcia found Grindr on my phone. Can’t hide anything from that girl.”

Spencer nodded, mumbling something in response about how Garcia had hacked his email to make sure he was free for pride. And then, the two fell into silence again. But it didn’t last for long, because Derek wanted to know just as much, why was Spencer here?

“What about you, Reid?” Derek asked him cautiously, the way you approach a puppy you find on the side of the road. Calm and slow, trying to get him to trust him bit by bit. “What about me?” Spencer asked, not wanting to answer anything about himself unless Derek was specific.

“Are you an ally?” Morgan asked him, leaving the question open ended. Spencer could say as little or as much as he wanted. This is how you get him to open up, Derek knew that for a fact. “Um.. yeah, I mean- who isn’t? I just- I have to be. I’m.. gay.” Spencer admitted all too awkwardly, not at all in a normal fashion. But nothing about Spencer was in normal fashion.

Derek nodded slowly, not responding as he stared back up, tracing his eyes over the tree branches yet again.

A few hours had passed, Spencer and Derek eventually left their peaceful bench under the large oak tree, and instead moved back towards the parking lot.

“Garcia’s got a ride home already- I think she got that drag queen to get her home.” Derek explained as they approached his truck, Spencer nodded as he followed Derek. “Anyways,” Derek continued speaking, “I can give you a ride home. Let’s get going.”

“You don’t have to-“ Spencer started, Derek immediately shut him down. “I want to, c’mon. It’s late, you’re tired. I know you are. Let me take you home.” Spencer just nodded in agreement, he couldn’t argue with Derek, even if he did try. Morgan was a stubborn man.

So, Spencer followed Derek into his truck, and they sat in comfortable silence as they started on their journey back to Spencer’s safe space, his apartment.

By the time Derek pulled his truck into the apartments parking lot, Spencer knew something was just the slightest bit wrong. Derek had barely spoken for the entire ride, and usually he loves to say something, to make Spencer smile or laugh, or even just nod and mumble in agreement. But he had done none of that on the way to Spencers.

“Are you alright?” Spencer asked, turning to face Derek as he put the vehicle in park. Derek didn’t meet his eyes, staring at the steering wheel instead as he spoke; “Yeah. Sorry. I’m just thinking.”

“About what?” Spencer pried, absentmindedly unbuckling his seatbelt as he spoke, “About today.” Derek said, not explaining further. “Was today bad?”

Derek shook his head, “No. It started weird, it’s ending pretty good, though. But I’m gonna regret today forever if I don’t do something right now.”

Now, Spencer was confused. Not sure at all what Derek could be talking about, “What do you mean?” He asked, voice quieter than before.

Derek said nothing as he unbuckled his own seatbelt, turning to face Spencer as well, and then he leaned in- closer than they had ever been before. Their noses were almost touching, and Spencer didn’t move. Instead, he watched Derek’s eyes expectantly.

Then, Derek broke through, they were no longer intersecting each other’s personal space- now they were fully destroying each other’s atmospheres. Derek’s lips were on Spencer’s, a chaste, soft, quick kiss- something Spencer would have wanted to go for a lot longer. But then, he pulled away just as fast.

“...That’s what I meant..” He mumbled after a second, looking back towards the steering wheel, looking away from Spencer- and more importantly, not seeing the smile on Spencer’s face.

Spencer couldn’t help it. He knew it was terrible to be smiling right now- he should jump and say something to fix what was happening. But he had to smile, he couldn’t believe that had actually just happened, his brain was still computing and re-circuiting, trying to savor the memory and not forget how Derek’s lips felt against his.

Spencer dragged himself out of his own head quickly, though. He did all he could think of to do in the moment, get Derek back. “Morgan.” Spencer said, tugging on Derek’s sleeve as he did so, forcing him to look back at Spencer and meet his eyes again.

But Spencer didn’t say anything, and he didn’t give Derek the chance to speak, either. Instead, he leant forward, pressing his lips against Derek’s. This is all he had wanted to know for the longest time, and now he had it.

Maybe pride wasn’t so bad after all, you just have to be with the right people for it to work out.

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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 3 years

Text

Texts from The Lost Tomb, part 3

I didn’t mean for this to stray into angst but like the lack of updates with Li Cu in LTR?? I had to do it to em.

Wushanju Crew Chat, 11:05pm

Li Cu: what’s up losers I’m outside

Li Cu: someone come on and open the damn door

Wang Meng: Language:(

Li Cu: fine, someone come on and open the damn door please

Snake Eyes Chat, 7:00am

Wu Xie: hey are you awake? Sorry I missed you coming in:) was finishing up some work. How was the end of your first semester? Did that geology paper go well? Did the food budget work out or do you need some extra money next semester?

Li Cu: yeah about your work

Li Cu: heard a little rumor

Li Cu: about you going through some stuff during ur recent trip

Li Cu: some stuff you maybe forgot to mention

Li Cu: and you told me we gotta check in with stuff, so this is me checking in, okay

Wu Xie: oh? What stuff?

Li Cu: idk just like

Li Cu: THE STUFF WITH YOU ALMOST FUCKING DYING FOR FUCKING MONTHS AND THE WAREHOUSE SHIT AND ERJING AND PEOPLE HURT YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A THUNDER CITY AND NOONE FUCKING CALLED ME ABT THOSE PARTS ONCE

Wu Xie: oh. That stuff.

Li Cu: yeah asshat I’m in the kitchen whenever you’re ready to explain your fucking bullshit. Also you’re out of milk wtf how am I supposed to make breakfast here

Main Chat, 11:14am

Wu Xie: okay so it’s possible I fucked up a little bit.

Wang Pangzi: THERES JUST SO MUCH YOU COULD BE REFERRING TO I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START

Zhang Qiling: What’s wrong?

Honorary Wu Chat, 11:30am

Wang Pangzi: KID IM SO SORRY THAT PUNK IS A TRAINWRECK BUT YOU KNEW THAT

Wang Meng: Welcome home, Li Cu <3 not much has changed, ultimately.

Wang Pangzi: IT DIDNT EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE WOULDNT TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ONCE THE REST OF US FIGURED IT OUT

WAIT HOW DID YOU FIND OUT

Li Cu: it’s okay. not your fault, uncle. Doesn’t matter how I found out. Wait wait hold on what do you mean “the rest of us figured it out” who figured it out

Wang Pangzi: SAY HELLO LIU SANG

Liu Sang: …hello.

Wang Pangzi: SAY MORE THAN THAT.

Liu Sang: uh…so you’re Wu Xie’s protégé, huh?

Li Cu: oh well howdy there homewrecker

Liu Sang: Excuse me??

Zhang Qiling: I think someone on the roof is calling me and I should go find out.

Wang Meng: I would also very much like to be removed from this conversation.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHAHA KIDDO IVE MISSED YOU

Li Cu: all I’m saying is aren’t you the little creep who’s obsessed with Xiao Ge

Liu Sang: ???

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu is referring to a brief period of irrational thought on Wu Xie’s part, where he mistakenly believed you to be a threat to our relationship.

Liu Sang: what do you mean a threat??

Wang Pangzi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN TIANZHEN HAD “A BRIEF PERIOD OF IRRATIONAL THOUGHT”

YOUVE MET YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT

Wang Meng: can you please take me off this chat.

Liu Sang: Wait, so Wu Xie told you about me, but…reading between the lines, he didn’t mention the cancer or anything bad that happened? Oh yikes.

Li Cu: don’t change the subject “Liu Sang”

if that is your real name

Like yeah you’re right abt it but still

just saying

heard you got good ears but I’ve got snake powers

kinda

so like no more funny business okay you superhearing harlot

Wang Meng: LANGUAGE, LI CU. IN THIS HOUSE WE SHOW GOOD MANNERS.

Wang Pangzi: LMAO OH DO WE NOW

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu, this is all unnecessary and childish. Please apologize.

Li Cu: you say that now bruh but apparently you weren’t complaining when he was all “idol this” and “idol that”

oh and hey Wang Meng while we’re here can I show you my business class grade report later bc Wu Xie is all “what matters is that you learned and enjoyed the experience” blah blah all eat pray love you know how he gets and I want to actually discuss areas to improve so that when I take over this joint I do better than Wu Xie? Tho that shouldnt be hard lol

Wang Meng: hurtful but accurate. I’ll bring my best red pen:)

Liu Sang: oh my god. I’m too jetlagged to keep up with any of this.

Wang Pangzi: BEST. DAY. EVER. IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR HEI XIAZI.

Not A Homewrecker Chat, 11:52am

Liu Sang: Okay, we started off on the wrong foot.

Li Cu: I agree let’s start over

Start with how your little prank game almost got ppl killed

Liu Sang: And I seriously regret that. But we moved past that.

Wow, he seriously skipped over so much bullshit but didn’t skimp on mine, huh.

Li Cu: AHA so you ADMIT IT

Liu Sang: I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. That I’ve come to see Xiao Ge as a person and mentor, rather than an idol. I count Pangzi and Wu Xie as my close friends. I’m going to be staying here with them right now, I hope you can be okay with that.

Li Cu: see in my head you were going to be a lot less mature about it and I had a bunch of great follow-up insults planned

Liu Sang: I figured. I’d like us to be friends, though. Or at least not enemies.

Li Cu: okay but only bc you don’t know me yet so you won’t judge too much for this and I need to get this out to somebody I’ve been thinking about it for hours and my friends are still in finals and I’m stressing a little bit maybe

Liu Sang: ?

Li Cu: I yelled at dad

*Wu Xie sorry autocorrect

Liu Sang: …uh huh.

Li Cu: I yelled at him earlier. for keeping all that stuff from me. He started crying

Liu Sang: Wu Xie has been pretty emotional since we got back. Not necessarily your fault.

Li Cu: I made him cry right there at the kitchen sink and it felt like maybe the worst thing I’ve ever done

Snake venom and stabbings, no tears

Me saying I wouldn’t have gone to his funeral, all tears

Which I know was shitty to say but I was really mad

Liu Sang: If it’s any consolation, I think Wu Xie can understand the concept of being led by his emotions to make bad decisions…better than most people.

Li Cu: Xiao Ge came in then and looked weird

Like weirder than usual

Like he didn’t know which of us to be more mad at

Liu Sang: A common problem for the iron triangle, I understand.

Li Cu: I just ran out I didn’t have words right then and I feel stupid

but whenever they come back from their walk I’m gonna say sorry and stuff bc i could’ve come home to his funeral and I’m mad about it but also like. I could have come home to his funeral. I can get mean when I’m in a freakout mood. It’s not like I was scared or anything at all I don’t get scared really anymore ever but just like. Freaked out.

Liu Sang: He’s probably going to say sorry, too.

Li Cu: sorry I called you a homewrecker. Didn’t mean to slut-shame either

Liu Sang: I admit that after the initial shock, it was pretty funny. Super hearing harlot, it should be on my business card;)

Li Cu: this situation with Wu Xie is weird but kinda good ya know. And I have these freakouts sometimes that something maybe bad could happen to this situation. So consider this a shovel talk. But like, also not a shovel talk at the same time.

also I appreciate you saving his life and whatnot

Liu Sang: Noted. Now. Coffee?

Li Cu: sounds sick.

Be in the kitchen in 10. You can pick out what we watch for the household tv show tonight. no way is Wu Xie choosing some dry documentary about gravestone rubbings again. Pangzi just watches real housewives reruns and Xiao Ge won’t watch tv after he caught the last half hour of A Walk To Remember. Also i need my phone now to send some $ to Hei Xiazi since I owe him for…providing some intel

Liu Sang: Not even surprised.

#whomst #ultimate note #the lost tomb #wu xie #dmbj #pingxie

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shhh-no-ones-home · 3 years

Text

artistry (1/2) bucky barnes x reader

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part 1 part 2

therapy, and hatred for the same things; the beginning of a beautiful love story 😌

also sorry this is not any of the stories on the list i published a couple weeks ago. ive been submerged in the falcon and the winter soldier and really wanted to write more for Bucky so here's the beginning of that. i will be working on the other stories they just may take more time. but for now i hope you all enjoy the bucky content!

Song: never know by set it off

tag list: @cynic-spirit

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I stood, knees to the couch, arms folded over my chest, Studying the wall as best I could. God I fucking hated it. It was so polite and warm and inviting. Barf.

"Disturbing."

I grumbled, hearing soft footsteps against the carpet.

"Oh sorry, they told me to wait in here I didn't realize there was someone-"

I glanced over at him for a moment. He seemed like he wanted to leave but I'm sure he was curious what I was doing. I was staring at the wall behind the couch after all.

"It's kind of infuriating isn't it?"

I asked, looking over the pale greens and blues.

"Um, what is?"

He now seemed very confused. I nodded towards the mural.

"Sometimes when I look at this wall too long I can just imagine myself punching a hole in it."

I half laughed.

"I couldn't tell you how many times I've wanted to offer to paint over it."

I uncrossed my arms, side stepping the couch and touching the wall gently.

"I never really thought about it but it is kind of ugly isn't it?"

He sent me a smile and I couldn't help laughing more.

"Y/n."

I said offering my hand to shake.

"James."

"Firm grip ya got there James."

He rubbed his gloved hands together, looking to the floor as his smile faded.

"Thought I knew my own strength."

I kept the smile on, touching his shoulder gently.

"Hey, a firm grip isn't necessarily a bad thing. Besides, no harm no foul. I'm sure you put it to good use."

I winked at him and he seemed like he didn't know what to do again. Until he let out a nervous laugh.

"Right."

I nodded once, looking back over the wall and dropping my hand from him.

"I should probably get going, doc should be in soon and I wouldn't want to take away from your session."

I walked past him.

"It was nice to meet you James."

As I reached the door he cleared his throat.

"Hey y/n-"

He said quickly and I turned back around to face him. He was fiddling with his fingertips, pinching the leather of the black gloves.

"I uh, don't get out much but I was wondering if you'd like to get a drink. Maybe, talk about how you'd repaint this wall?"

He pointed to it haphazardly, a smile making its way back to his face. In that moment I couldn't help the one creeping it's way across my own lips. I nodded quickly.

"I'd like that a lot James, uh here, you can call or text me at this number and we can work something out."

As I spoke I reached into my bag and pulled out a business card that I probably hadn't used in too long. The edges were fraying and my occupation had changed but I handed it to him anyway. He held it between both hands and looked over it.

"Are you free tonight?"

He asked, hope behind his eyes. I pretended to think for a moment.

"Ya know what I think I am."

I said and his smile got wider.

"Meet me at the bar at the corner of tenth and Jefferson?"

I nodded slowly at his inquisition, backing up into the doorway and squeaking when my back hit the wood.

"Eight o'clock, don't be late."

I said, turning and almost running into Dr Raynor.

"Oh, sorry, uh have a good session."

I mumbled quickly, ducking past her.

"I'll see you tonight James."

°°°°°°°°°

As I sat at the bar alone I began to doubt he was even coming. It was almost nine already and I was starting to think I was stupid for even waiting this long. Maybe I should go. Or maybe I should try to find someone else to talk to. The band was pretty good after all. I sighed and raised my finger to get the bartenders attention. when she turned around i opened my mouth-

"I'll have what she's having."

I heard, looking over to James with wide eyes as he sat beside me. He was wearing a navy blue leather jacket of some kind that exposed his left, metal, arm.

"You actually came."

I said surprised. He seemed almost ashamed.

"Sorry I'm late. My friend needed me and we got a little caught up. I was going to call but-"

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and the top was barely hanging onto the base by a wire. the flip phone kind of took me aback though. but it didnt matter, he showed up.

"It's okay, im just glad you actually came."

He let out a nervous laugh and took a sip of the drink the bartender had sat down.

"I was hoping you'd still wanna talk, even though I'm an hour late."

I nodded, looking over his face as he fully turned to me and my face fell.

"An hour late and bleeding."

I reached towards him and touched his temple gently. He winced at first.

"You wanna get out of here? I can get that fixed up; I only live about a block away."

I suggested and he nodded slowly.

"Uh yeah, I'd like that."

I paid the bartender and stood up, James following me outside. I inhaled deeply at the scent of rain as the sky darkened with clouds.

"So, something life-threatening happen on your way here?"

I asked, laughing a little as he looked to me.

"I'm kidding. Unless it did, in which case I'm glad you're okay."

He scratched the back of his neck, pacing slowly beside me.

"Good talk."

I said and he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry I just, I don't do this often and I feel like I've already lost my chance with you."

I looked to him and drew my brows.

"would i have invited you to my house if you had?"

he shrugged, side nodding before tucking his hands into his pockets. i frowned when he didnt respond.

"look, james, i think I'll be the judge of whether or not youve lost your chance and right now I say you haven't. but you said you wanted to talk and there's not a whole lot of that going on."

He let out a nervous laugh.

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"

I asked, slipping my right hand into his left elbow and he stopped. He looked down at our arms connected for a second and then I felt bad.

"Sorry, I just uh, figured it'd lighten the mood a bit. Sorry."

I pulled away and kept walking.

"Wait. No, it's just-"

I looked back at him and watched as he opened and closed his hand a few times.

"I don't really associate good things with it so it took me off guard a little bit. You can, uh, you can hold my hand if you want. That's fine."

He stepped closer to me and took my hand in his. I smiled at him and nodded.

"Thanks, I guess I just wasn't really thinking."

We kept walking.

"It doesn't bother you?"

He asked and I shrugged.

"Why would it bother me?"

There was a long silence as we rounded the street corner.

"I don't know."

He said softly.

"Uh, we're here."

I said, letting go of his hand and walking up the stairs to unlock my front door, looking to him as he looked over it. when i offered for him to come inside he hesitated for a moment but followed me in anyway.

"here you can sit here, let me get a look at where this blood is coming from."

he watched as i pulled the stool out form under my breakfast bar and i felt more nervous than before. it had suddenly occurred to me that we would be getting much closer and that led to some pretty self-conscious thoughts. but who was i kidding? he bared himself to me already, why should i be scared?

i inhaled deeply as he sat, moving to turn another light on so i could see better. i moved back over to stand between his legs, touching his jaw lightly and tilting his head down. he kept his eyes on me as i touched the wound gently, hearing his breathing hitch in the back of his throat before i let go to get a cold wash rag.

"so, you wanna tell me what happened?"

i asked, trying to lighten the mood as i came back and began wiping the dried blood away from the cut at his hairline. my finger tips were at his chin and he seemed more relaxed now.

"i was helping a friend."

he repeated like before. i nodded once.

"you live a dangerous life don't you James?"

he looked up at me with innocent eyes.

"bucky."

he said and i raised a brow.

"bucky?"

"thats what my friends call me."

i nodded once.

"are you calling me a friend?"

i asked and he finally cracked a smile.

"if you want to be."

he said and i let out a short laugh.

"and if i dont?"

his smile began to fade and he cleared his throat. i looked to the ceiling for a moment before leaning down and kissing his cheek gently.

"thats not what i meant bucky."

when he looked back up at me he seemed so lost, like this was a new type of kindness. part of my heart broke thinking about what could have happened to lead him here.

"what do you say we call this a trial run? we can take a weekend sometime and maybe go to the art museum down the street, get pizza for lunch, and just have a good time."

he seemed like he was still trying to study me as i put the wash rag on the counter and wiped my wet hands on my jeans.

"no blood, no confusion, just two people having a good time."

i held my hand out for him to shake. he nodded slowly, the smile barely there as he reached for it.

"i think id like that y/n. i think id like that a lot."

#wattpad #x reader #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #winter soldier #captain america #the falcon and the winter soldier #imagines #one shots #315

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fragmentedink-archived · 4 years

Text

Hell to Pay: Part Thirty

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XVIIII

cowritten by @lux-scriptum

A/N: Trigger warning for excess grieve, alcoholism, allusions to self harm and eating disorders, mentions of past suicide

It was closing in on midnight when Cameron decided to burn down his club. The burning blue and white flames reached the night sky and warmed his skin. Zareth was standing next to him with his arms folded over his chest, watching the destruction of his current occupation.

Cameron could tell that Zareth was fighting the urge to say something about this, but Cameron didn’t really care, but despite this, he found himself saying, “Will you just spit it out. I don’t have all night to watch you bite your tongue.”

Zareth somehow relaxed and stiffened up at the same time. “I… I understand why this needs to happen,” he finally said, “But… am I still… employed? Should I be looking for another job, because if so it’s going to be interesting finding someone that is as, uh, well paying.”

“That would be difficult,” Cameron said, drly. “Lucky for you, I have no intention of firing you. Finding competent bartenders who can keep Nik in line when I can’t babysit him is hard to do.”

Zareth finally relaxed all the way. “Thank gods,” he muttered under his breath.

Cameron rolled his eyes. “As long as you don’t abuse my generosity, you’ll keep being employed.” And alive.

Zareth side-eyed him. “You still got that guard locked up in that dungeon of yours?”

“Yep,” Cameron said. “Not done yet.”

“Will you ever be?”

“Doubtful, but we’ll see.”

Zareth snorted softly. “Good.” Zareth’s eyes lingered on Cameron’s frame long enough, Cameron cut him a cold look. “Have you lost a few pounds?”

“And if I have?” Cameron asked, mildly.

Zareth wisely closed his mouth and turned back to the club. The fire was burning so brightly, so wildly, most likely because of the alcohol Cameron hadn’t cared to remove before lighting the place on fire. Despite so much heat coming off the fire, Cameron still felt cold creep over his skin.

They stayed there for hours, watching the club burn to nothing but ash and fading memories before Cameron decided to go home and make sure Nik had made it into bed. He still couldn’t shake the chill from his fingers when he found Nik passed out on the couch, several bottles of alcohol on his glass coffee table and wings spread out around him. It was the first time Cameron had seen those dark red wings in months. The feathers were almost in a disarray from being hidden for so long.

Cameron went to haul Nik up and carry him to bed, silently thankful for angel bones being hollow. He once again peeled the blood and booze drenched clothing off the omega and threw them away before wrapping the idiot up in a blanket so he didn’t catch his death. He seemed to still be cold.

Nik made a small mrhp sound before opening his eyes just enough to look at Cameron before rolling over and promptly passing out again. After a few minutes, Cameron had heard Nik mumble Lev’s name and he tried to not sigh.

Too much of this felt so bone deep familiar and Cameron was trying to ignore the toll it was taking on both his brain and his body. He debated on getting in bed with Nik, but decided to back out of the room and go to the nearest room, but first stopping the nearest sentry and saying, “If Nik wakes up, or if he gets too restless, knock on my door and I will deal with it.”

The sentry nodded, and Cameron moved into Lev’s room, shut the door and began peeling out of his clothes. He stared at the large bed, perfectly made before shifting and climbing up on the mattress and moving to the top of the bed to the pillows. He kneaded the pillows, trying to not shred them and buried himself deep, wrapping his tail around him and closing his eyes.

A shiver jolting down his spine was the last thing Cameron felt before letting sleep pull him under.

----

Silas closed his eyes. Nope, nope, he did not want to be awake. Not that he had much of a choice. He could only sleep through so much of the day before he lost the ability to sleep at all. Which was bullshit, but his option was to accept this, or take the route of getting very very drunk, and he’d never been one to turn to alcohol to solve his problems before, so why start now?

He damn near fell off the bed when someone knocked on the door. Loudly. Two options. Bay, or Ash.

Silas groaned under his breath and rolled to his feet. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants just to be decent before he opened the door. Not Ash, because he had to look down to see Bay standing there.

“Yeah?” he asked. Bay looked utterly done, and the ridiculousness of the whole thing was only magnified by the fact that he was holding Lucas in his arms. “Shouldn’t you be in bed or something? Didn’t they cut you open?”

“You would know this how? You've been in your room for over a week.”

Silas blinked slowly. “I’m not in the mood to get chewed out, Bay. Bad enough I see Dad judging me in the mirror. Don’t need it in front of me too.”

That was the wrong thing to say. Bay’s face closed off, going stony and cold in a heartbeat. “You are not the only person who has lost and grieved family and you are a damned adult who does not have the luxury of burying your head in the sand. You have responsibilities, even if you lost someone. I gave you a week. time to get your shit together.”

“Bold of you to assume I’ve ever grieved before,” Silas said without thinking. He grimaced. “Listen. I- I don’t know- I need more time. I just- I need more time, Bay.”

Guilt pricked at him. Bay looked so damn tired. Lucas seemed unbothered though, giving a little yawn. “You. Have. Responsibilities,” Bay enunciated. “You can multitask like the rest of us.”

Silas didn’t know what to say. Eventually he just sighed. “Yeah, okay,” he finally said, if only because he knew he wasn’t going to win this argument. Bay leveled him a look, one Silas chose not to interpret, and then turned around.

Silas followed him into the kitchen, swallowing his bitter grumbling like the good little soldier he was.

He slumped into a chair, rubbing his face. He grunted at Nate’s greeting, even if he felt bad about it. Nate wasn’t doing anything wrong. He had his hands full, cooking breakfast. The little demon baby they were currently...what, fostering? Whatever. She was happy enough, meat spread across her face and tray as she wiggled away.

After dropping a kiss on Eden’s head, Nate set a plate down in front of Silas. “Food helps.”

Silas had to admit it looked a lot more appealing than the snacks he’d been munching at midnight when no one was up. He scooped up a fork, mumbling a thank you. He shot Eden a look as she started babbling around her fist, a never ending mantra of “Dadadadadadadada,” that was hard to ignore.

“She been doing that all morning?” Silas asked, trying not to be annoyed. She was just a baby, demon or not.

Bay shot him a dry look. “She’s a baby. That’s what they do.”

“Don’t see why anyone would want one.” Silas flushed, glancing at Bay, who was feeding Lucas. “No offense.”

Nate hummed. Bay said, “Do you ever think before you open your mouth, or is it just automatic for you?”

Silas shrugged. “Dad always said I had more mouth than sense. I don’t mean to say shit without thinking. Just pops out.” He drummed his fingers on the table before taking another bite before he said anything else stupid.

“I don’t know how you managed to stay in your room this whole time when you can’t stop moving,” Bay said, looking pointedly at Silas’ fingers.

Silas stilled, looking down. “Sorry,” he said automatically, before adding, “I slept.”

Bay returned his attention to Lucas. Silas took that chance to go back to eating. He had a few minutes of peace to eat his fill (apparently going a week eating nothing but snack foods and whatever leftovers he could scrounge up at midnight wasn’t particularly filling) before Bay’s phone rang. The only reason Silas knew it was Bay’s and not Nates, despite the fact that Nate was the one that pulled it out of his pocket, was the fact that the cover was a distinct green color.

Nate still waited until the fourth ring to bother answering. “Yes?” Nate asked pleasantly as he tricked Eden into taking another bite.In the next moment his face flattened. “What do you want?”

Silas perked up curiously, setting his fork down. It took a special person to make Nate lose his smile. “Who is it?” Silas asked curiously.

Nate’s expression became resigned, and looked to his mate. Bay didn’t even look up, just held his hand out for the phone. Nate passed it over wordlessly, leaving Silas to put together who it was.

Silas sighed, and poked at his plate, rather than ask again.

“What the hell do you want, Cameron? I'm in the middle of feeding your kid.”

Oh. Silas made a face. Eden, for her part, gave an excited shriek, slamming her little hands on the tray like she knew exactly was on the phone, before starting up her little mantra, yelling “Dadadadada,” at the top of her lungs.

Bay listened silently to Cameron, before exchanging a look with Nate. “He’s busy. Helping me.”

What in the world could Cameron need help from Nate for? Silas flicked a look between them, before getting up to put away the dishes.

“I... could go...?” Nate offered.

“Why should you help that bastard?” Silas asked, with more sharpness to his tone than he intended.

Bay’s annoyed expression confirmed Silas had been too hasty to snark. “Silas will be on his way shortly,” Bay said, before hanging up.

“Excuse me?” Silas said flatly. “What makes you think that is a good idea?”

Bay smiled a bit and said, “It is because I said so. Now go get ready. I'm sure you're accustomed to babysitting.”

“Your logic is flawed,” Silas muttered, heading for his bedroom. “And I don’t think Cameron needs babysitting.”

He pretended to not hear how Bay and Nate both snorted at his retreating back. He had to go searching for a clean pair of jeans, but he had far too many t-shirts laying around. He snagged a jacket, deciding to put on his shoes as he went down the hall. By the time he made it to the kitchen, his mood hadn’t improved, but he highly doubted that would change Bay’s mind at all.

“Why exactly am I going over there again?” he grumbled.

“I thought you already knew. You seem to think you know everything since my logic is apparently flawed.”

Silas shot him a look. “You don’t have to be a dick.”

“Pot meet kettle. You're keeping an eye on NIk since Cameron has things to do and Nate is helping me.”

“They’re more of a dick than you are,” Silas complained, even as he grabbed his car keys off the counter.

Bay ignored him, taking care of the fussy baby in his arms. “Thank you,” Nate said.

“Yeah, yeah,” Silas said, and walked out the door.

---

Nik hummed pleasantly while stumbling through the house towards the knocking on the door. He almost fell through it when he opened it, trying to lean against the doorframe. “Well, well,” He said, “Another one of Lev’s ex’s as I live and breathe. Are you wanting the next best thing?”

“Ew.”

“What? Not submissive enough for you?” Nik asked. “Whatever, your loss. I’m sure Cameron is around here somewhere.” Nik turned around and almost walked straight into a wall before making his way to the kitchen. He went for a bottle of tequila, well aware of Silas trailing after him. “So what brings you to my neck of the woods,” he said, working the lid off the bottle. He pressed his back against the counter, mouth quirked to the side as he looked Silas over. “New tats?”

“Babysitting you.” Silas siad, before holding out an arm, showing off the display of new ink. “Almost every day.”

“Babysitting me?” Nik downed a steady drink of the booze, letting it burn on the way down. If he tried hard enough, he could make out two of Silas. Really was unfair how gorgeous SIlas was. Apparently Lev had a type. “I guess Nate’s too busy to come see his lonesome baby brother.” He nearly tripped over the words, but still barely managed to get them into a coherent sentence.

Silas looked uncomfortable. “Maybe you should slow down?” he suggested, trying to steady Nik.

Nik shoved his hand away. “Maybe you should take that edge off,” he countered. “Aren’t you still pining after your murdered ex boyfriend? Stars knows I am. There’s plenty to choose from. I suggest getting something strong and something Cam won’t notice missing.”

“I don’t drink when I feel like shit.”

Nik gave him a mock salute before downing another swig. “And thus you are the better man than I.”

Silas grunted. “You’re as bad as Amara.”

Nik’s brows flicked up and he eyed Silas from head to toe. “Did she peg you, too? She does love putting that strap in men’s asses. And as I understand it, you let Lev put his cock in yours, too.”

Silas snorted. “We haven’t fucked in years, and no, she didn’t peg me.”

Nik smirked. “I guess that does make me the better man then.”

Silas just shook his head, apparently not agreeing with Nik’s assessment. “We were better drinking buddies than fuck buddies.”

“Well,” Nik said. “We were both.” He took another long drink from the bottle before sliding down onto the floor.

“Congratulations,” Silas said, dryly.

Nik dropped his head back against the cupboard doors, blinking tears from his eyes. “And now she hates me. Which, fine. It’s fine. Whatever. It was going to end badly anyway. It always does.”

He could have sworn Silas gave him an odd look. “I doubt she hates you.”

Nik tossed the half empty bottle to the side, letting it roll across the floor, getting tequila everywhere while he pulled his knees up to his chest to drop his head on his arms. He ignored Silas’ sigh and movement to pick up the bottle.

“Wow, they really meant babysitting.”

Nik’s head snapped up so sharply his vision blurred. “Fuck you. I am a damned adult. I don’t need your pity or anyone else's. Just because they all can’t handle me drinking a little doesn’t mean I need my hand held. Apparently I’m the only one that can’t seem to actually hide the fact I have feelings.”

Nik stumbled to his feet after a few tries, nearly smacking his head against the counter. He pushed his way past Silas down to find Cameron. The sentries’ eyes followed after him and Nik smacked a palm against Cam’s office door. “Hey, bastard. You want to tell me why you sent Lev’s ex boyfriend to come babysit me.”

He didn’t give a single damn that Silas followed after him.

The door opened and Cameron stood on the other end, looking unimpressed, but somehow gaunt too. Though, that was probably because Nik was shit faced. “I have things to do,” Cameron said, mildly, “And I don’t have the time to hold your hand.” He flicked a look at Silas over Nik’s head. “I trust you can be competent with my omega.”

Silas made a face. “Not the first drunk I’ve wrangled. Won’t be the last.”

“Hm. For the sake of your kneecaps I do hope that is the truth.”

Nik could almost imagine the way Silas rolled his eyes. “I’ve spent enough time with Amara, and she’s yet to marry the ground despite her apparent love story with it.”

“Difference is,” Cameron said,’ “You break my omega and you can sit next to Sage down in my basement.” Cameron looked to Nik. “Go get in bed,” he ordered. “Sleep your idiocy off.” When Nik didn’t move fast enough for Cameron, Cam said, “Take him to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay.”

---

Just because Silas could take care of drunks didn’t mean he liked it. He somehow got Nik to what he assumed was the right bedroom, though he kept his hands off Nik the whole time, unless Nik was close to face planting. Something told him Nik wouldn’t appreciate it.

“You gonna actually sleep it off?” he asked Nik, standing awkwardly in the doorway.

Nik shuddered into the bedding, curled up on the edge of the bed. Silas didn’t ask, just shuffled into the bedroom and picked the chair at the desk.

Just in time to see Nik start crying.

Oh for fucks sake, Silas thought tiredly. He didn’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with this. This wasn’t his omega, and he didn’t know the right way to deal with this situation. If it’d been Lev, he could have pulled him into his lap, but this wasn’t Lev. Because Lev was fucking dead.

Silas bit back a sigh, and scooted the chair over to the side of the bed. He cleared his throat, and then admitted, “I don’t know how to help.”

It was the voice of a broken man that came from Nik. “I don’t want your help, I want my fucking boyfriend.”

“Don’t we all,” Silas muttered, rubbing his face.

He didn’t expect the alarm clock chucked at his face, and only Nik’s drunken aim and sheer reflex let him catch it.

“No one asked you,” Nik said.

“You’re not the only one that lost him, you know,” Silas shot back. “I’m not gonna pretend to understand Cameron one bit but he did too. And his goddamn family. You don’t have to take it out on everyone around you. It’s no one’s fault but the man who killed him.”

“Are you saying you’re his family? You, who let Remiel have him?”

“Oh, go fuck yourself,” Silas snapped. “I meant his grandmother. His cousins. I wasn’t once talking about me.”

Nik turned to look at him, the gold of his bloodshot eyes contrasting sharply with the dark brown of his pupils. His expression was eerily blank. “Sure you’re not.”

Silas leaned back in his chair. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to lay out my own grief for you? I’m a little out of practice, but this isn’t the first former lover I’ve lost. I’m sure I can figure it out.”

Nik rolled onto his back, laughing ruefully. “Did your former lover kill herself? Because mine sure did.”

So apparently they were exchanging traumas now. Lovely. “No. My dad sent two into the front lines, declared a third a traitor so he could cast them out, and straight up executed the fouth. Those are the ones that died, at least. The rest got out alive. At least from dear old dad.” No, Lev’s death wasn’t on Silas’ hands. It was someone else’s family that had gotten him killed.

Maybe that was too far. Nik was quiet for a bit, before rubbing his eyes. Silas’ gaze was drawn to his wrists, and a frown twisted on his face, but he didn’t say a damn word. Wasn’t his place. Hell, wasn’t his place to tell Nik off, and he’d already flubbed that.

“I told him I was sorry,” Nik said without warning.

Silas blinked. “What?” He blinked again. “What for?”

Nik rolled to face the opposite wall. “Doesn’t matter. He didn’t believe me, and he left.”

“That doesn’t sound like Lev,” Silas said, mostly to himself, before adding, louder, “Why’d he leave? Last I talked to him he was head over heels. With both of you, and that baby of yours.”

“I made him mad.”

Silas snorted. “Lev doesn’t get mad.” He paused, and then corrected himself. “Didn’t. Didn’t get mad.”

“Yes he does. I made him mad, and he left me.”

“What did you do?” Silas asked, genuinely curious now. “Must have been something big, because I’ve never seen Lev angry before.”

Nik’s “I don’t know,” was a pathetic, broken sound, and then he started to shake with sobs.

This time Silas couldn’t stop his sigh. He leaned over, hesitantly brushing his hand through Nik’s hair. “I don’t think he was mad at you. Knowing Lev, he was scared of something.”

That didn’t stop Nik from crying, though he did seem to ease up a bit, curling in on himself as Silas awkwardly pet his hair. Silas swallowed around the lump in his throat, and tried for a light tone.

“It wasn’t your fault. And it’s not likely Lev was angry with you. I know- knew him well. He doesn’t get mad. He gets scared, and he goes to find somewhere he can curl up and feel safe for a little while.”

Nik mumbled, “I didn’t make him feel safe.”

Silas gave an unsteady laugh. “No one could, sometimes. Not me, not Amara, not his grandmother. He had issues, and I don’t care how well he was doing with you both, they were bound to come back around eventually.”

Nik didn’t even respond. After several minutes, Silas realized he’d cried himself to sleep. Only then did he pull back, slumping in the chair, and wiping his eyes. The fuck did he do to deserve this?

---

Cameron had stuck around just long enough to make sure that Nik had fallen asleep before starting for Bay’s house. He folded Nik and Silas’ exchange and put it in the corner of his mind while he went to knock on Bay’s door. Eventually Nate answered it, face resigned. “Your baby is in the kitchen.”

Cameron didn’t bother responding and shouldered his way past and went for the kitchen. Eden perked up, hands smacking the highchair tray as she gave him a sharp squeal. The little terror started bouncing in her seat, her “dadadadadadada” grating on Cameron’s nerves. But he still went to pick her up despite her incessant wiggling in his arms.

“See, she’s not dead,” Bay said, dryly. “Even followed your schedule so you wouldn’t bitch at us about it.”

Cameron ignored him and pressed his lips to the top of Eden’s head, inhaling her scent. It was mixed with the faint smell of lavender shampoo. “You need out of these gaudy clothes,” Cameron said, completely ignoring his idiot brother’s remark.

“Those are the clothes you gave us,” Nate said, from the doorway.

Cameron shouldered his way past the angel and down the hallway to the nursery where he made quick work of changing the wiggling baby demon out of the pastel outfit and into something far more palatable. Eden squealed loudly when Cameron picked her up again, her incessant ‘dadadadada’ annoying him to the point he lodged a pacifier in her mouth. “Shush,” he hissed against her ear.

Eden giggled at him around it. But when Cameron had gone to settle into the rocking chair, Eden was already suckling at it and was melted against his chest. He ran his fingers down her back absently, feeling her ribs, her skin, her breathing. He stayed in the nursery, relishing the quiet until she was deep asleep. Cameron was jerked back into focus so he could put her back in her crib. Not a second later, Nate appeared in the doorway. Face drawn, Nate said, “Everything okay?”

“It is now that she’s in decent clothes,” Cameron said, walking around him. “Does no one in this house have decent taste.”

“You gave us those clothes,” Nate said, flatly. “They’re from your house. Maybe get a snack and you’ll calm down.”

Cameron halted to a stop and looked over his shoulder at him. “I am being perfectly calm,” he said, coolly.

Nate leveled him a long, far too knowing look, but elected to drop it and just followed Cameron back to the kitchen where Nate sat a plate of food right in front of him. Cameron looked at it and then pushed it to the side before looking to his brother. Bay was already looking at him, with a far too old look. “How long are we keeping her?” he asked. “I assume until the threat is resolved?”

Cameron drummed his fingers against the counter and thought about it. “Until I decide to bring her back,” he finally said. “I don’t want her anywhere near Nik right now.”

Both Bay and Nate were gauging him with long looks before wisely dropping this current line of conversation. Bay looked at Cameron’s untouched plate before pulling it over to himself. “If you’re going to waste food, then I’ll eat it since Ash cannot be found.”

Nate nipped at Bay’s shoulder, only to get a gentle face-push to back away. Nate sulked, but not before placing a kiss to Lucas’ head and a quick kiss to Bay’s cheek and scurrying to the opposite side of the counter. Cameron felt vaguely disgusted. “I’m going to leave, I think.”

Nate hummed. “You know where the door is.”

Cameron ignored his quip and found his way to the car before going to meet with contractors about wiping clean the slate and rebuilding his club from the ground up, wiping traces of blood and ruin and beginning anew.

tagging: @idreamonpaper @incandescent-creativity @solangelo3088 @halstudies @alittleyellowdinosaur @mis-lil-red

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #hell to pay #cameron and nik and lev #ch: cameron #ch: nik #lev

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nomand-berserka · 4 years

Text

A little openly honest abridged intro in to me and dealing with my head and my black dog.

I am the newly appointed Team Leader for West Yorkshire with the guys at Veterans Hike. @veteranshike

Ive found a love for hiking over the past few months, since this crazy lockdown here in the UK.

I have struggled a lot over the years since leaving the Army, still dont feel like I fit into the bracket called Civvie. I know that may sound a little cliche. But it is exactly what it is.

I joined the forces straight from school. There was nothing for me where I lived, and with a long proud military history in my family, I felt it's what I'd always wanted and knew in my early to mid teens, that I'd join up.

I felt I did pretty well, considering pretty much everyone I knew, thought that I wouldnt even make it past selection. Well I pissed on their parade let me tell ya.

I'm not going to go into the ins and out of my career. But the tours I did, were SFOR (peacekeeping) Bosnia 98 and Op Agricola Kosovo 99.

Now with that, I've seen some pretty fkd up stuff at the ages of 18 and 19.. But you crack on and get the job the done. Get back home and continue as normal.

Now upon leaving the Army, I felt very lost. Ended up going from job to job, due to not being able to fit in with or liking the people I worked with. Often getting pushed out because of having a different mindset... This turned into a serious dislike for people in general. There was no bond, no brotherhood, everyone out for themselves and didnt care who they fkd over to get what they wanted.

This became the time I started with the heavy drinking and the stupid violence, infact the drink and the violence became the reason I lost my family and almost ended up 6 feet under.

The violence continued, as I just hated everyone... for lots of different reasons. This then led to me serving time on a couple of occasions. But it still continued after being locked up... I didnt see it as a problem, as I just thought "I wont take peoples shit", and I'll show anyone who tries to give me shit. That it will lead to getting hurt. Jump forward to being left for dead with 2 stab wounds... Yes it got that bad. Maybe I was asking for my way out?

Jump forward a year or so of living a dark time.

Its then i got into martial arts (Muay Thai under the tutilage of master Ronnie Green 5 time world champion), a friend of mine didnt want to see me locked up again. Or with more perforations than a "Tetley Tea bag". This became my drive again, I'd found something I could focus on and put myself, my whole self into again.

First session in, I was hooked. Had my first full contact fight at just over 6 months and had plenty thereafter, still have the copy of my official invite to the 2013 world championships. This was my crowing glory moment... This is where I'd found the focus to not be that drunked violent ass hat. My fitness went through the roof and I felt good again for the first time in years

Injury got me though, put me right back to not being able to train. Even ended my career, I tried to train again, but way too soon. Causing myself more problems. Taking even longer to get back to 100%

My anger started to creep back, the bad food the drinking... and yes the violence. then jump again forward to going back to prison for a very violent episode in 2015. Where 2 people got badly hurt. I pleaded guilty. I tried to reach out for help before the day in court. But it was too little too late...

However, in prison this time in 2016 I asked for help. Where can i get it, and who can help me the most.. There was a small eager group called Care after Combat, they concentrate on helping Veterans, who are sent to prison. During and after release. (I'll go into them at a later date).

I've kept my nose clean since then, was officially Dignosed with PTSD in 2017, so done a few local therapy courses Anger Management, CBT but still no actual PTSD help as of yet. Combat Stress, I think may have forgotten about me hahaha.

But the thought of prison!!!! id rather not go back ever again. Plus I'm getting on now, and not a 25 year old dick head. Eith a chip on his shoulder about civvies anymore.

Jump forward again, to present Covid 19 times.

I'm a joiner now put myself through College 12 years ago. The outdoors have always agreed with me. But after a work accident last year in August I had 14 weeks sat at home gaining weight. Bordem drinking and eating shit and the head started to go again. But thankfully got back to work early December.

In March 2020 and we get Furloughed. For however long it may take.

So I gave myself THE talking to. Stay off the booze (well not completely hehe). Keep yourself busy. Find a focus in something, anything. Just dont he that dickhead again.

So here I am, I spend at least 3 days a week walking the Pennines and the moors between my beloved Yorkshire and the dark soggy lands of Lancahire. Its literally 20 minutes from my door to where I park the motor. My head still goes south, but more into the low mood and hating myself for allowing what I'd done in the past. I've had depression for years, but it was always over shadowed by my stupidity. So when it does that, i hit my local park and do 10 laps (8 miles) of that. Or just get my pack ready and hit the trails. Often doing around 15-20 miles.

Now I've started with a small Daystack and have started adding weight, carring 15kg. plus 3 litre camelback, food stuff and inclement weather gear. Its north of England the weather does what it wants. "If tha dunt lyk weather, jus bloody wait 20 minutes It'l change". hahaha.

Doing this has given me more drive in my fitness and massively boosted my mental state. Plus the escape from the rat race bollox that we all have to live through. More and more people have started to notice my weight loss. Down from 20 stone to just over 17 stone. Now I'm as round as I am tall, but for a fat lad I've been told I'm pretty fit... Guess all those years in the Army, years of Muay Thai and Kempo Jiu Jitsu. It must have left some form of conditioning and muscle memory. So this again boosts me. I'm now picking up the weights at home and even got a bike... so this new found fitness is a fantastic feeling again... it's not just about keeping busy anymore, it's about showing people. Who I'd alienated during all these years, that I'm not the same guy, and they are wanting to come on hikes with me now

(Its also pushed me to train for the 3 peaks... but that's another story for another time)

It's also the biggest Therapy I can give myself, sometimes I go it alone and sometimes I have company. The outdoors is literally where I feel at my easiest and most peaceful... The benefits are there for everyone who knows me, to see. Its physically demanding, but it's so peaceful. If I bump into other people, there is always a nod a smile and a "morning/afternoon" exchanged. Not all people are nob heads haha!

I cant stress enough how good it feels to keep occupied physically and mentally, buy doing something I never thought I'd do...

It's become my passion... I'm looking into longer routes all the time, and now looking at some proper outdoors gear. Better rucksack even a tent. If being up the hills for a few hours or just a day, makes me feel things are better. Then surely a couple of days and nights will be even better...Right?

I want to thank anyone who takes the time to reads this, however you see it. Be it on insta, Tumbler or FB. So cheers guys and gals.

We all have hardships, we all need that help at some point. Go out and find what makes it all better, please guys. We all deserve to smile for what ever reason.

Who knows, we may even cross trails someday. You'll always get a smile and a nod from me.

Steve

The Nomad Beserka

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