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philliamwrites · 3 years

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killing me softly with his song | (Childe / Reader) [chpt.1]

Fandom: Genshin Impact

Pairing: Childe / Reader

Tags: #fem!reader, #from childhood friends to lovers, #reader is a fatui agent, #slow burn, #unresolved sexual tension, #mature language, #forbidden love

Words: 2k

Summary: "Lybuov zla, polyubish i kozla," sighs your sister as she wipes off the table, but that makes you feel even more miserable. Falling for a goat might save you from an actual heartbreak by Tartaglia's hands.

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Loosely connected chapters about you and Childe finding happiness. Maybe.

Notes: Part 2

Masterlist

***

childe? what a problematic asshole i hate him i- *trips* *thousands of pictures of childe spill from pockets* fuck those aren’t mine i swear i’m just holding them for a friend i- *slips on a pile of pictures* fu ck no they’re not mine i hate him i just- *more pictures fall out as i fall to my knees, desperately trying to pick them up* hang on a sec jUst LISTEN

Chapter 1

A cold gust of icy wind drives you deeper into the sheets and you swear by the name of Her Majesty Herself once you get up and find Alexei, you’ll smother him with a towel for leaving a window open in the middle of the night.

Somewhere outside, a rooster crows. Fine, not dead of the night then, but no one cares for technicalities like these when sleep is involved. Especially after a night like this one, when Alexei fucked you into oblivion and back, you need every minute of shuteye you can get before another day of exhausting missions in the Chechnaya Taiga of Snezhnaya claims your last strand of sanity.

It’s peaceful mornings like these that make it all worthwhile though—the quiet during the early golden hour when people slowly wake up to a brand-new day and get ready to do their chores, their factory work. The sheer number of possibilities stretching out before their hands, and hope rekindled every morning despite the harsh cold waiting at their doorsteps. You love how everything stands still, how even the uncaring universe seems to grant people a sliver of peace, allows them to be soft and vulnerable. To be kind to themselves by indulging in a freshly brewed cup of coffee or tea. Nothing can spoil this for you, nothing and no one—

An awkward cough sounds from the door. You close your eyes, willing him to disappear by simply ignoring him, but his eyes burn into the back of your head like two smouldering coals and eventually, you turn around to see Alexei standing in the door frame, shifting from left to right. “There’s someone out there who wants to talk to you,” he says.

Turning around, you try to disappear into your pillow. “Whoever it is, I’m sure they can wait until it isn’t such a damn unholy time.”

Alexei clears his throat. “It’s uhm … it’s someone from the Fatui.”

Your eyes snap open. Suddenly the warm, cosy blankets feel like a snake’s tight hold around your body, and you struggle out of its grip, grabbing for the dressing gown you carelessly threw around the back of your chair last night.

The sun hangs low in the east, painting the city of Kerch that stretches outside of your window a sheen of dusky gold. When the red-brown bricks of the dacha cottages come into view, you think of the gingerbread houses you used to make as a child every year in celebration of Her Majesty the Tsaritsa of the Zapolyarny Palace.

Cold already seeps into your bones even though the robe is tight around your body. You hiss when your bare feet hit the icy floor but can’t find your slippers. Time to die like a woman.

You brush past Alexei, who’s scratching his head, still just in his underwear and you think him crazy for walking around half-naked like that even though it’s minus 58F outside and the heating systems inside your barracks only start to work once outside temperatures drop to minus 75F.

Maybe what they say is true. People from around Noyabrsk in the north of Snezhnaya regularly dip into frosty rivers and you do remember him mentioning ice swimming is his hobby. It was one of the few things you thought attractive about him. Actually, it was the only thing you thought attractive about him.

Light streams into the floor from the kitchen, flickering once, twice in dangerous foreboding. It’s time to switch the lightbulb. Tomorrow. Tomorrow for sure, because that isn’t important right now. What’s important is Tartaglia sitting at your table, leaning back in a chair, both feet crossed on top of the table, and eating your leftover mayonnaise sandwich you saved up for breakfast.

His eyes slide lazily toward you, taking in your form—barefoot, shivering even though the fur from your bathrobe is of the finest white wolf fur obtainable on the market.

Tartaglia finishes your sandwich, smacks his lips and licks mayo off his fingers. He doesn’t even like it, and you know from time to time he can’t handle dairy all that well. He just eats it because he knows how it infuriates you.

“Alexei, huh,” he says in lieu of hello. “Didn’t know you’re into himbos.”

Behind you, Alexei makes a sound like a kicked puppy. You glare at him over your shoulder, then jut your chin towards the front door. “Out. Now.”

He doesn’t wait for you to repeat yourself. Surprisingly fast for a guy this big, he bolts into your room, gets dressed in record speed and leaves your little one-bedroom apartment without so much as a Goodbye or “We’ll hear from each other,” and you prefer it that way. It saves stuff from getting messy.

Speaking of messy, you really wish Tartaglia would have sent you a note before coming. The smell of icy wind and snowy forests clings to his clothes. He must have come straight from a mission, not unusual in the slightest, yet in most cases he sends a message your way just to make sure he doesn’t run into one of your one-night stands and it doesn’t get ugly.

Like right now.

“I thought you had a little more class than that,” he says nonchalantly. His feet keep wobbling from left to right until you make your way over and push them off your table. Not that you actually sit there to take your meals, no. But this is your home, you have to assert dominance.

“Well, I’m not picky,” you say, taking the empty chair opposite from him. “The nights of Fyrva’snezh are really fucking cold.”

“I’m sure Fire-Water will do the same trick.” He’s sulking, yet he has no right to it and knowing Tartaglia, that’s why he sulks even more.

Your relationship can be summarised with one word: complicated. Which is funny, because besides martial arts classes (taught by a teacher that is a real ball of sunshine who could easily snap your spine like a twig) and infiltration tactics courses (led by a grumpy teacher who once woke you all up in the middle of the night to do a spontaneous quiz about infiltration steps and everyone who failed or fell asleep had to run a marathon through the forest in their underwear) you had to take at the Fatui military school of Zapolyarny, they also teach mathematics and molecular physics, and that shit was complicated.

Growing up in a small seaside village—bless little Morepesok; how much you miss babushka Katya’s refreshing botvinia soup—with only a handful kids your age, gravitating towards Tartaglia was the natural development. He loves ice-fishing, you love eating fish. You gag just smelling solyanka, he wolfs it down like it might be his last meal on earth. Opposites attract each other, as they say, and how true it is for you two—you, the morning person and he, the night owl; his will of iron and your nerves of steel. Your bow, his sword, even though Tartaglia is a masochist who likes to make it hard for himself by trying to switch weapons solely because you’re better at it than him and he is a sore loser.

His worship of Her Majesty the Tsaritsa, your fear of Her Majesty the Tsaritsa.

“I don’t think you came all the way here just to call me a slut,” you say. He is in no position to do so anyway, because Camilla from the ptychy’moloko shop down the road that leads to the Sarov church didn’t shut up about blowing him for weeks until you sent her a liver of a pig and claimed that was the leftovers from the last girl that thought she could put a leash on the Eleventh of the Eleven Fatui Harbingers. Camilla quickly moved on to an inconspicuous merchant who sells matryoshka dolls for a living and all is well that ends well.

“What do you want?”

Tartaglia starts tapping a gloved finger against the wooden table, a nervous tick you don’t know he’s aware of.

“I’m leaving for Liyue first thing tomorrow.” His tone is low when he speaks, his earlier nonchalance replaced by a sense of urgency.

“Okay.” It isn’t the first time he’s leaving Snezhnaya by order of the Tsaritsa, but every time he does, something inside you leaves with him. “So, you want me to keep an eye out for Teucer and the others?”

“He’s really unhappy I’m leaving again already.” Tartaglia doesn’t mention the reason he was sent away just a couple of months ago to Inazuma was because he accidentally blew up an artillery factory belonging to a nobleman that secretly shipped orders to Fontain. The fallout from that was easier to handle with him not being anywhere nearby. Tartaglia is like a pair of hot tongues; no one is sure where to put him or how soon he would cool off, but if they just drop him, he might light the world on fire. Kid gloves are put on and a careful perimeter marked out.

“And what excuse did you make up this time?” You knock your foot into his leg, lingering on his calf just a second too long before withdrawing again. “Another business trip to promote your toys? You can’t hold up this charade forever, you know.”

“Why, your eyes feast on Snezhnaya’s greatest expatriate toy seller, now extending to the Liyue Branch of our Institute for Toy Research.” Tartaglia’s eyes have taken on a playful glint, and he leans forward as he speaks. “You wouldn’t be so cold to break a little boy’s heart. That’s not you.”

You want to remind him that you have no problem to put an arrow between a man’s eyes, or rip out his fingernails, one by one, to get the information that you want.

“You owe me, toy man.”

“Put it on my tab.”

Tartaglia looks like there’s something else he wants to say, but as always, he decides to swallow those words even though they must hurt like swallowing needles. You know that feeling, and so you help him sort out his tightly entangled yarn of emotions by figuratively pushing him off the cliff.

“Don’t forget to bring condoms. I hear the women of Liyue are beautiful.”

Tartaglia goes a sickly grey colour, like the ashes of a dead fire, but he’s been the leading role of this play too long to fall out of character now. He gets up and stretches like a cat getting comfortable in a spot of sunlight. His jacket rides up, showing a stripe of skin, and you quickly turn your head away before giving into leaning over the table and mark him with your teeth.

Patting his left pants’ pocket, Tartaglia says, “I’m always prepared.” He carries a grin that is dry, humourless, and for a brief moment, you two lock eyes, trading a look that feels like a dare. You allow yourselves to imagine how he picks you up and carries you to your bed where you two would proceed to fuck without abandon through the whole day and the following night, leaving the bed only to get food until Tartaglia leaves for Liyue and you’d send each other love letters until his return. What an idea. What an utterly stupid, naive, wonderful idea.

“Well, lucky ladies,” you say, not bothering to hide the jealousy in your voice because jealousy is easier to handle than regret.

“Lucky indeed,” he agrees and dons his easy-going smile, one that he’s perfected after hours upon hours in front of the mirror until it accomplished what he wanted: to mock people, infuriate them.

On his way out, he stops to ruffle your hair in an affectionate way, one typical for childhood friends, but the distance between you is like the ocean separating Snezhnaya from Liyue.

It was on the very first day of your conscription into the military organisation, Number Six of the Ten Laws that the Fatui abide by: Any physical or romantic relationship between Fatui agents is prohibited. As thou would not exchange flesh with thy brother or sister, so thou shalt not with your comrade, for he or she is thy brother or sister in arms.

And everyone knows Her Majesty the Tsaritsa’s word is law, and though the law is hard, it is the law.

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please drop by my ko-fi if you enjoyed my writing!

#philliamwrites #ao3 #fanfiction #genshin impact #genshin impact childe #childe #tartaglia #genshin impact tartaglia #reader #reader insert #childe x reader #tartaglia x reader #genshin impact childe x reader #genshin impact tartaglia x reader #tartaglia x you

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inazumafocus · 4 years

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I was bussy before but here are a few questions for HiruAfu. I'd like to know more about their reincarnations because that fascinanted me, maybe which ones are your favs? Top3 or as many as you want to talk, at least to me you can write as much as you want, I'd love to read it

HHHHHHH OK THIS TOOK ME A WHILE BC I FIRST HAD TO CHOOSE A TOP3 AND THEN SUMMARISE THEM

So here I go💗

Keep You Like an Oath

We simply call this one “Oath” for short, the title is based on the very first song we associated with them and this was also the first reincarnation we developed, so that makes it a lil bit more special than the other 43 AUs (yeah, we have 44 afuhiru lives if we count the angel and demon “original” one)💗

BUT I HAVE A LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS AU BECAUSE THEY NEVER CONFESS THEIR LOVE AND IT ENDS REALLY BADLY AND I U G H

but let’s take it from the top shall we? I will try to keep it short-

This has a modern setting, Afuro is the heir of a korean-japanese criminal association AND the owner of the Zeus Casino, while Hiruma is a one man show dealing with shady people’s money for them with the very strict “no criminal association side gigs” policy aka he is a third neutral party not mingling with anyone else. So of course he’s gonna have sex with the son of the most important criminal family-

Anyway, this is pure “lets make our characters super cool and overpowered with lots of weapons and drama and blood and Afuro having to rescue Hiruma after he gets kidnapped and Afuro being The Femme Fatale and them needing each other so they can be normal for a while before getting back to their busy lives” mixed with a “lets make them obviously in love with each other but without realising because they never experienced being in love before and lets make Afuro realise towards the end but not say anything in fear of Hiruma freaking out due to his anxiety AND ULTIMATELY LETS MAKE AFURO DIE AND HIRUMA REALISE HE LOVED HIM JUST AFTER THAT BWAHAH” you know, that kind of life...

Witch!Afuro & Werefox!Hiruma

This one is so cute with just a tiiiiiny bit of angst I swear- basically Afuro is a witch living in the forest, minding his own business until he finds a hurt fox cub and takes it in to mend its wounds and wash it from the mud. He takes care of it for a while until BAM it turns into a fully grown human. And well, turns out it was a werefox and he has nowhere to go so he stays with Afuro and kinda quickly falls in love. Afuro cares deeply for him but can’t get pasts seeing him as a little hurt cub so this springs some issues, with Hiruma wanting to prove him he can be useful and relied upon. In order to do so he ultimately leaves without saying anything (making Afuro worry a lot) to go take an exam that will make him officially a familial so that he’ll be able to travel with Afuro and help him with spells and magic stuff. They ultimately reunite after some years and this time Hiruma is more secure of himself and 👀 flirts with Afuro a lot being more of a sneaky fox ehe (spoiler: Afuro will fall for him in the end so this one has a happy ending)

Demigods

I gotta put this in the Top3 bc I just LOVE PJO and it’s setting ok? I love mythology and the greek one in particular S O we just had to give them a life where they’re demigods ehe-

Afuro is a son of Aphrodite with a family that pushes him to be better, do better, be a leader and successful etc etc. He basically knows his divine heritage since birth and has gone do CHB since forever, striving to be the best during summer just like the rest of the year. You can just imagine the stress he is under. He constantly put others above himself, kinda overdoing the whole “selfless love” thing (but he will deal with that and overcome it ok). Hiruma on the other hand, arrived at CHB when he was a kid with his infant brother Fudou and it took him YEARS to be recognised by his mother, Nike. Here he’s low key too religious, loving his divine mother a lot, but that’s just because he suffered a lot from those years being “a nobody” and he just wants a shred of recognition. So he’s rrrrreally focused on winning and being the best (he too will work and overcome these flaws).

Theeey have a rocky start? Kinda, there’s some bonding over some pegasus, some time spent together due to punishment by Chiron, then at some point Afuro ha da crush on him but used magic to make Hiruma get together with a friend of his who had a crush on him (Hiruma) but that didn’t go well, a LOT of unknown mutual pining towards the end, lots of tears I’m talking WAY TOO MANY TEARS FROM AFURO and a very oblivious Hiruma but he’ll come around after a group beating by some secondary characters friends with Afuro (it was for Hiruma’s own good) AND BAM THEY END UP GETTING TOGETHER IN A VERY TOUCHING SCENE BY A LAKE OK?

So yeah these are my Top3 I tried to cut them short wudkfkvkv hope you liked them!

#inazuma eleven #eyeshield 21 #afuro terumi #hiruma yoichi #afuro x hiruma #hiruma x afuro #afuhiru ask #afuhiru #afuhiru friday

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johannesviii · 4 years

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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2015

This is the last list that was kind of difficult to do and where some cuts had to be made. The next four ones weren’t very good years music-wise and generally speaking.

Also there’s something that embarrasses me even more than Blue (Eiffel 65) somewhere on this top ten. Oops.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

2015 was a bit calmer, apart from the fact I moved out of the appartment and bought one instead of renting one. This is still where I’m living nowadays, it’s not big but having no landlord is a LOT less stressful even if it will take a long time to pay the loan (one time the lock broke and I couldn’t get out and the landlord refused to fix it OR pay for a new lock if I decided to call someone to fix it ; another time someone who had a spare key opened the door while I was wearing a bathrobe and was like “oh. You’re here” and I was like “...I mean..... yeah.... 'cause I live here”). I also made new friends online that year and felt less isolated.

Sidenote, my first “flat” mp3 player’s battery died today but after a quick emergency operation I was able to save the data on it. I used that mp3 player from roughly 2008 to 2013 so that’s a relief, it kinda has sentimental value and I was still using it to listen to DW audios nowadays from time to time.

As you can see in the first picture, my super old portable cd player, which still works fine, by the way, is judging this little amateur so hard right now.

So! This is the year Faithless dropped Faithless 2.0, 21 Pilots dropped Blurryface, Mylène Farmer dropped the surprisingly quite good (for this point in her career) Interstellaires, and Carly Rae Jepsen dropped E MO TION, which would have been my favorite album of the year... if Nightwish hadn’t made the absolutely jawdropping Endless Forms Most Beautiful. A symphonic metal concept album about Earth and evolution and the place of humanity in the universe?? Excuse me? Who’s read my christmas list? My favorite songs on it are Alpenglow, Shudder Before The Beautiful, the title track, Edema Ruh which has the best intro, and of course The Greatest Show On Earth, which is an incredibly ambitious, kinda bloated and quite pretentious (in a good way) song about the history of Earth, looking back from a future where mankind is extinct and concluding “we were here”, and holy shit I get emotional every time, and it’s 24 minutes long, and I still never get bored when I relisten to it. Just amazing.

As far as unelligible songs that piss me off go, it’s all Carly Rae Jepsen: I Really Like You, and especially Run Away With Me. If they had been elligible, that last one would be my #1, definitely.

Here’s some... uh, a lot of honorable mentions, actually.

Budapest (George Ezra) and Chandelier (Sia) - Still elligible, still not on the list.

Cheerleader (OMI) - I have no idea why people dislike this song.

Ex’s and Oh’s (Elle King) - This is one of these songs that would be higher on the list if I had better taste. I still like it a lot though.

FourFiveSeconds (Rihanna, Kanye West, Paul McCartney) - Ditto.

You Know You Like It (DJ Snake) - Great drop. The rest is meh.

Miracle (Julian Perretta) - The opposite of the previous one ; a fantastic song let down by its drop.

Uma Thurman (Fall Out Boy) - This song makes absolutely no sense but it’s a lot of fun nonetheless.

Lean On (Major Lazer) - Super overplayed but holy shit this is incredibly catchy. The bridge is especially great.

Want to want me (Jason Derulo) - If this guy had that kind of song in him why does he suck most of the time. What happened.

Hundred Miles (Yazz) - Nice earworm that never got annoying.

Are you with me (Lost frequencies) - Basically a less good version of Waves from the previous year. This is a compliment.

Ain’t Nobody (Felix Jaehn) - And this is the less good version of Rather Be from the previous year. This is also a compliment.

Laissez Passer (Maître Gims) - When I started to check French hit songs from years where I basically wasn’t listening to the general local radio anymore, some friends told me they were grabbing popcorn and waiting for me to start hating some specific acts. Maître Gims was one of them. To their disappointment, I love just about every non-love, non-breakup hit song he’s ever made. Oops.

Love Me Harder (Ariana Grande & The Weeknd) - It took me ages to like The Weeknd but this song helped a lot. This just sounds fantastic regardless of the content (just saying this because I have a tendency to dislike stuff like that). He isn’t even the best singer of the two on this track, wow.

Millionnaire (Soprano) - In a worse year, this would make the list without question. The lyrics aren’t that original but still very good (love the line “remplis-moi les poches d’espoir” (fill my pockets with hope)) and the melody is just beautiful.

On écrit sur les murs (Kids United) - If you recall I put the original version of this on my 1990 list because I liked the Kids United version a lot and also had nothing else to put at the 10th spot on the 1990 list. The fact that I don’t even have enough space for the better version on this list says a lot about how abysmal 1990 was, music-wise.

And now, the actual list!

10 - Centuries (Fall Out Boy)

US: #43 / FR: Not on the list

Why are these guys still on my lists.

No, seriously. Why. This is yet another song that would be better if it was faster. And the sample is badly used. So I have no idea why it works. One of these days I’ll have to reevaluate Fall Out Boy’s entire discography, take a good look at myself, and admit I possibly like this band and that I’ve been lying to myself for like 15 years... but today is not that day.

9 - Sapés Comme Jamais (Maître Gims)

US: Not on the list / FR: #10

Told you I liked Maître Gims!

Listen. It’s not my place to comment on the ethics of the whole La Sape movement (which can be summarised as “modern black dandies trying to get the most expensive & beautiful clothes possible”) but you have to admit it’s super cool to have a more energetic and fun version of Suit And Tie. God, that beat. And it’s a ton of fun to sing along with the chorus! And it’s such a convincing song when it’s combined with the music video, you kinda want to look as cool and confident as these guys.

Also quick shoutout to the Sapeuses. Absolute legends & queens, every last one of them.

8 - Style (Taylor Swift)

US: #29 / FR: Not on the list

That year my s.o went to a party I didn’t want to go to and came back home completely drunk & way too late, crashed on the couch and started to ramble about how “Style” by Taylor Swift had a better sound mixing than the entirety of Epica’s latest album at the time and how amazing it was. For like half an hour.

I completely agree, just to clarify.

7 - Cool For The Summer (Demi Lovato)

US: #53 / FR: Not on the list

In what is possibly the least controversial opinion on this entire list: I love Cool For The Summer, the melody is great, the lyrics are good, the singing is the best, and you all know that and you all love this song, so yeah. Moving on to-

Oh god here comes #6. Oh shit. Oh no.

Can’t we just skip it and pretend-

6 - Animals (Maroon 5)

US: #46 / FR: Not on the list

So. I.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

How can I justify this bullshit.

The truth is: I can’t. Not really. I’m not even entirely sure what happened here. I hate this band and have always hated them, from the start. The lyrics are painfully stupid. The singing is as atrocious as ever. The “AWOOOOO” bit on the bridge is absolutely ridiculous. None of Levine’s “oh look at me I’m so dangerous” act remotely works. There isn’t a single thing I find competent here apart from the melody. I mean it. I’m not saying any of this to look cool. If I wanted to look cool, this certainly wouldn’t be on the list.

But you know what, the sheer incompetence on display here may be exactly why I like it. If it was a credible serial killer song written like an upbeat pop song, it would be disturbing and unlistenable. But the way it’s made, it simply sounds stupid, so you keep imagining some sort of inoffensive nerd pretending he’s a horrible monster (and failing) whenever you hear it. And that, I think, is what pushes it squarely into the “so bad it’s f█cking fantastic” territory, where it joins Butterfly from my 2001 list.

That sounds about right.

5 - Adventure of a Lifetime (Coldplay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #29

I haven’t mentioned A Head Full of Dreams in that year’s albums, because it came out at the very end of 2015 so I mostly consider it to be a 2016 album. It’s not as good as Mylo Xyloto, and not as consistant as Ghost Stories, but it contains some real gems. Adventure of a Lifetime isn’t nearly my favorite song on it, and I still put it super high here. I love the lyrics in particular (”under this pressure, under this weight, we are diamonds taking shape” oh damn) but the song itself just makes you want to move. I literally can’t listen to it without at least moving my head in rhythm a little bit. It’s nearly as colorful as the album cover. And it’s a joy to sing along the “woooohooooo”s!

4 - Stolen Car (Mylène Farmer & Sting)

US: Not on the list / FR: #61

This is Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing), from Sting (2004), rewritten as a half English half French duet where it’s unclear if the female singer is the imaginary lover or the car in the story. You might want to re-read that sentence.

What did I say on a previous list? Ah yes, “I see a duet between two singers I like and I die instantly”. This is also the last time Mylène Farmer is going to appear on one of my lists. I could say “self care”, but I genuinely don’t like any of her more recent hits, at all. Whatever. She’s been on these lists since the very first one (1988) anyway.

It’s been a wild ride, to say the least.

3 - Shut Up And Dance (Walk the Moon)

US: #6 / FR: Not on the list

And for the second least controversial opinion on this list: despite the massive overplay, I never EVER got tired of this, it’s colorful, energetic, super fun, and it’s still on my mp3 player to this day. Just a fantastic song. And a great band! I wish One Foot had been elligible for a future list, it’s super good. Aw.

2 - Ego (Willy Williams)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69

This is a song about a guy who imagines himself as this super cool elegant dude, but when he looks at himself in the mirror he hates everything he’s seeing.

I know this isn’t supposed to be a song about gender dysphoria but my god is this shit relatable.

To make things even better, it’s served by creepy music box sounds ala The Birthday Massacre and by an untouchable, strange beat. It’s a dark, weird song, but it’s all kinds of wonderful and catchy as hell, and apparently I’m not the only one to think that considering the mindboggling number of views on the youtube music video. Watch it if you haven’t seen it, it’s hypnotic and makes the song even better.

I only discovered this song last year but I’ve listened to it so much since then I really debated if this should be at the #1 spot. It’s just... so horribly relatable.

But you know what’s even more relatable?

Being broke and sad and still trying to have the time of your life.

1 - Downtown (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)

US: #84 / FR: Not on the list

Some people call this Thriftshop 2.0 but I think it’s even better than Thriftshop, which was, if you recall one of my previous lists, already pretty damn good in my opinion.

As you probably already know, it’s a song about a guy buying a moped and bragging about him and his friends, and their mopeds, and how cool they look when they ride downtown on their mopeds. I never owned a moped in my life. But I have a super small & shitty car which I love very much and so it’s very relatable. Also I’ve never written the word ‘moped’ so often in a single paragraph before in my life.

I love every single person who sings on this track. I love the music video. I’ve been trying to match the flow of the second verse ever since it came out and I still can’t do it with my shitty accent. It’s full of weird and corny lines, but that’s also why I love it so much. The dialogue at the beginning! “Dope, my crew is ill, and all we need is two good wheels”! “Head into the dealership and drop a stack and cop a Kawasaki, I'm stunting on everybody, hella raw, pass the wasabi”! “My seat is leather, alright, I'm lying, it's pleather / But girl, we could still ride together / You don't need an Uber, you don't need a cab / F█ck a bus pass, you got a moped man”!! “Cut the bullshit / Get off my mullet / Stone washed, so raw / Moped like a bullet - NYAOOOOOO”!! “Running around the whole town / Neighbors yelling at me like, "You need to slow down." / Going thirty-eight, Dan, chill the f█ck out / Mow your damn lawn and sit the hell down”!!! Oh shit, I basically quoted one third of the song. I just. Ugh. I love it so much, okay?

Cringe culture is dead and we peed on its grave. We spend enough time in our lives feeling miserable. Like what you like. Even if it’s super ridiculous. No: especially if it’s super ridiculous. Live a little, damn it.

Next up: The Year Everything Went Wrong Except Pop Music

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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buffskeleton · 4 years

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work is slow so im ranking all the shippuden ops

OP 1 hero's come back - its perfect its incredible its iconic!! the ideal cure to the burnout from the end of s1

OP 8 diver - LOVE a nar op with some actual style to it and this one summarising the emotional core of the show always makes me 😭😭 the amount of fanart for this one specifically speaks for itself

OP 14 tsuki no ookisa - the best style of all the openings very cool and fun and helped a lot with how fatigued the show was at this point. most underrated naruto op

OP 10 newsong - lots of affection for this one because i really might have dropped the show forever without it showing up at exactly the right time its really fun and sweet

OP 9 lovers - very solid its a good song and the whole things suits this arc really well

OP 2 distance - a very nice example of 'nobody told the op animators that sns wasnt endgame'

OP 19.5 blood circulator v3 - counting as separate to v1+2 because the only thing they have in common is the song. its very emotional and works really well for the final fight and the song hits Completely different for this than the other versions but it loses points because it was still disrespectful to use the same song

OP 17 kaze - its sweet and i like the style

OP 15 crimson lotus - this one's grown on me a lot but it's the worst of the interesting ones

OP 4 closer - solid and enjoyable but not that interesting exactly like this arc

OP 18 line - i appreciate what they were going for but its just a bit ehh

OP 6 sign - the best of the bland ones

OP 3 blue bird - idk i kinda like the song

OP 13 niwaka ame ni no makezu - the song sucks but i like it other than that

OP 20 kara no kokoro - i like the song as the song for the final op but i Hate the clips i hate being reminded that anything happened post episode 478

OP 16 silhouette - serviceable. extra points for madara breakdancing go grandpa!

OP 5 hotaru no hikaru - embodiment of bland naruto ops

OP 19 blood circulator v1+2 - this is very whatever and also anticlimactic

OP 7 toumei datta sekai - actively makes me more bored

OP 12 moshimo - boring and mind numbingly bland just like the show was at this point

OP 11 totsugeki rock - i genuinely hate this one and its the only op i will skip every single time because i refuse to be subjected to this song

#naruto

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jakette · 5 years

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Jake's Repression

Okay, This is gonna be a long analysis guys so be prepared!

So in season 2 episode 23, after Amy tells Jake how she’s doing, she asks Jake the same question, to which he replies;

‘I’m dealing with it the way I dealt with my dad leaving; just repressing the hell out of it.”

It struck me as a little weird choice of words, (cant explain why) so I looked up the word repression. And it’s exact definition was:

'The action of subduing someone or something by force.'

Or psychologically,

'The attempt to direct one's own desires and impulses toward pleasurable instincts by excluding them from one's consciousness and holding or subduing them in the unconscious.'

I found this really interesting. So when I watched the rest of the show and re-watched it, It was so so so clear. It was right there. It's literally littered throughout the series. I've never heard of this phenomenon of 'repression' and seeing Jake do it made so much sense and gave so much sense and depth to his character! It explains why he makes so many jokes. Even on serious subjects at times. He diffuses the tension because he refuses to let it get to him. And I'm willing to bet it's a gift courtesy of Roger Peralta.

I'm stating a few examples off of my head;

1. Thanksgiving season 1, Holt makes a seriously logical point which Jake turns into a joke. 'My sad story trumps your insult! Jake. Jake. Jake.!'

2. When Amy tells him she doesn't date cops. He makes a joke about dating criminals.

3. When Jake and Rosa were sentenced to prison Jake's long 'Cool,cool,cool' is a prime example of repression.

4. When he finds out at their wedding that someone he befriended died of loneliness because of him he says 'I'll just lock that in a box and never open it.' Repression.

(I bet there are better examples throughout the show but these are the ones I can think of right now.)

One of the many things I love about the writers writing Jake is that they kept this aspect of him so consistent and so constant. It's always there and you can easily recognize it. This is why I find it really difficult to write a fic which can be acceptable as canon, (I try not to write otherwise, because then it just kills my fun of the show and writing) because A. It's a comedy (Not my strong suit) and B. Jake's character is so complex to write as the writers have given him such immense character development and growth. He seems happy go lucky but he cares so very deeply. He has a heart of gold and his repression is something i can only ever dare to write. To summarise, Jake Peralta is the most funny yet beautifully complex growing (I can't stress enough how much I LOVE that the writers gave him such development) character that I have ever seen. I was sure I would hate him but here I am writing a long ass paragraph in his praise. Also I'm really glad that despite Jake and Amy's relationship being very serious and important Jake's humour and goofiness is still intact and is a pleasure to see.

All of which brings us to this weeks episode 'He said, She said'. Season 1 Jake I think would have made way more jokes during the episode but the Jake we saw today was so receptive, respectful, careful. We saw Jake deal with emotions (that too Amy's) and not run away from them. He did make jokes but thats because now its a part of his nature. He made a joke to see Amy smile cause he cant stand the sight of her crying. Also lets be real who else could make Amy smile after her story.

I have grown to love Jake Peralta so much. And I'm so thankful and grateful for the writers and Andy Samberg doing him justice every week.

#b99 #peraltiago #brooklyn 99 #brooklyn nine nine #jake peralta #amy santiago #jake x amy #jakey boy!#ames #me too episode #peraltiago fic

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lightshielded · 5 years

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spoilers and very VERY long, so below cut.

tl;dr - jarv is a character going through a lot of emotional turmoil caused by the lose of trust in close friends, lose of his family to the very magic they were working to promote ( suggesting to him it was the wrong idea to promote it ), having little healthy support network, and around him is a game of politics where those older and more experienced on the council are influencing him heavily in his altered state of mind. however, he is still a character who cares for his people, wanting to protect his people from future catastrophes cause by magic but also knowing they aren’t all bad so is also shown tentatively reaching out to foreign advisers of allied nations which have advised his father in the past on the subject of magic and is trying to do his best despite being king far younger than anyone should and thrown into the position in a truly horrific way.

important - all is subject to change as we are provided more info, this is just a pouring out of my first impressions and my attempt to understand and rationalise everything under the current state and info provided. also important to note, this includes mentions of suicidal tendencies, depression, ptsd and other like matters. please read with caution.

so as you may know ( or don’t and do not care about spoilers ) our dear prince, or rather king now, has had a very bad day. like he was almost made to eat a rat, and marvel didn’t want to draw him in his actual armour and did in the ceremonial / ig armour instead so i got big cucked out of my hopes and dreams, he got hit with a morg ult when trying to gank mid lane . . . oh and the mid laner killed his dad. what a wonderful day for our dear prince, i mean king.

so a couple things that are unrelated to what i am about to talk about but things that are true in my mind. riot removed jarv’s capture and torture by noxus just so they could have sy/las say he has no idea what he has experienced. just saying. 8 years of basically the exact same lore only to have one of his key points removed at the addition of the character? who then mocks him for it? just saying it’s true. tho i personally still go by that he was capture on my own blog and all, but i have cracked riot’s code.

also like where was shy? i think jarv kinda mentions her but like she is his bodyguard. that’s her whole thing. where is she? i get she tries to lay low but she is meant to be on jarv’s personal guard, but she wasn’t there. now i have a short theory on this. for those who don’t know, shyv is genetically a dragon, her real magic is the fire rune inside her. but otherwise she is a dragon that some how fucked up and became a human ( prior to sy/las it was caused by magic so the magic is technically making her human not a human becoming a dragon and after sy/las the shitty lore we don’t like is that it is the weather ).

so my theory is, since her dragon - ness isn’t magic but is like genetics, she would just eat him and he actually can’t use it against her so they had to remove her. some how. cause plot. and jarv is mopey that she isn’t around, for a reason they wont say :///// that or riot doesn’t care about her or forgot she existed :)))))))

so the actual things i wanted to talk about, jarv’s very harsh language and actions in the comic and short story. they seem so violent from what we know of the prince of the past. and while that might be true i would like to point out a couple things about jarv as a whole before we begin:

jarv was never brought up to fear or dislike mages - ( though would have heard stories i imagine ) which is evident in his father’s own opinions and his lore. this makes his point of view here seem obscure, he seems to hate very strongly despite not doing so before. this is true, but i believe i can provide some enlightenment on this. something similar to this has happened in his lore before. his first conflict with noxus he was introduced the harshest realities of war, it is the innocents that die first. in both new canon lores ( prior and post syl/as changes ) it is stated there were only a handful of survivors out of dozens of towns. it is said what he saw deeply affected him. the carnage there so deeply troubled him and he could not forget the faces of the dead. the atrocities he witnessed were far greater than he had anticipated and it left him very shaken and unable to correctly reason. this caused him to ignore all rational plotting and sense, pushing away all his advisers’ ideas, wanting nothing more the avenge those who died. and this ends badly for him. like jarv really, really loves his people and would do anything to keep them safe. in fact, it is known from other stories jarv doesn’t ask of his soldiers to do anything dangerous he himself isn’t doing. if they must face the risk of death he will do so too. and he has earned himself a lot of respect for that. so we know, jarv is deeply affected by his people’s deaths and is not unknown to react mindlessly out of rage when they are hurt, and thinking the ‘villain’ need to be punished.

our now king is younger than you all probably think - if you take demacia’s lore and the dates / ages we are given, he is quite young. low 20s with a max of about 25 but even that is generous. it is noted he doesn’t know what to do, his mood fluctuating like rising and falling flames, his lore says he needs to be ready but not that he is. this is not to say he is incompetent or emotional because of he age, but with age comes experience that he has not had the chance to garner yet. he is not ready yet in his own opinion and i would agree as well.

jarv loves his family, a lot - and his only family was his father and xin. i think it is important to note, jarv has a lot of love for his family for they are the only people that really see him as a person. his closest friend even had to be reminded to call him by name. so to lose the closest people to you hurts man. his dad just died. okay.

jarv’s part in turmoil - there is actually a story which occurs after the time frame of the lu/x comic ( unless they are going to say the events of the last volume cover a full month? ) which has some interesting links and i’ll summarise all that with my conclusions at the end.

so. onto the main part. why has our fair king turned from someone who sees ‘ the true strength of the Demacian people—standing together as one in defense of their homeland, no matter their differences or misgivings. ’ to ‘ Mages? . . . We should have executed them all. ’ it is shocking. even xin is shocked by how much he has seemingly flipped noting, ‘ Indeed, he knew the prince had always been troubled by Demacia’s treatment of its mages. But that was before. ’ note, xin is saying he was troubled once and these anti - magic outbursts are new. though, i will like to point out, i don’t think the outbursts in the short story or the comic are particularly anti - magic as they are anti - syl/as and anti - murderous rebellion. so from now on, i am going to work through the sections of the comic and then the short story and kind of evaluate jarv’s thoughts and feelings and what i think is happening with him. wow, i hope you like your posts long. ( oh, and i recommend turning the pages along with me since i will not be posting pictures unless it is very important to save on length )

so to begin, we first see jarv at a meeting with a mage - seeker, some council members and his father, reacting to what happened several hours ago. honestly here he is as normal, he is thinking first and foremost for the people and with a very strategical focus to his thoughts. he is trying to both reassure his own father while working to capture the murderers. truly nothing remarkable other than him being a little taken aback by his father chiding him. i can talk a long time how jarv was brought up with very zealot ideas despite the king’s best intentions but that is not for now.

next page is mostly focused on the riots outside but does show jarv’s priorities. protect my father, fight for my people. heck this is even brought up in his ( now very outdated ) voice lines ‘ for my father, the king. ’ ‘ protect the faithful. ’ also cue me getting excited they would show jarv’s actual combat armour since they have the guards all in that good shit but nah they didn’t and i am big sad. i get they set all the demacian champs to their in game stuff ( and for jarv that’s the for show / ceremonial armour ) rather than their lore stuff for accessibility but still i am sad.

and now we get to the fun stuff. wow look at jarv straight beating the shit out of people. legit knocking several people down, making someone into a kebab. the come at me stance. that face he makes when sy/las calls him princeling. so many people call him that in lore. is it even a unique insult at this point? get new material you chain gremlin you.

in the next page we do see him angry tho, at first he is controlled and stoic with his speak, not too many emotions showing on his face. but it is when he puts a threat on his father do we see his brows furrow and leave him quite angry in the last panel of this page. tho, while obvious mad at the threat on the king he is actually keeping his cool. rational thought based on what he knows of the magic syl/as has. but he is a bit ticked off. ( OH ALSO THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART DON’T @ ME BUT JARV IS TALLER THAN SY/LAS WHILE BENDING DOWN AND IN A FIGHTING STANCE AND SY/LAS IS UPRIGHT BY LIKE AN INCH. HE IS PROBABLY SEVERAL INCHES TALLER UPRIGHT. I STAN THIS TALL MAN. )

so the next page is very interesting, we see syl/as talk of ancient and powerful struggles then conjure fire from the pillars. so as far as i am aware this is meant to be a reference to our favourite angels but i am trying to work out when this would have been. i thought they fought in a small town which was all but destroyed and not in the capital city. it is possible that the petricite keystones were at the town and those keystones moved to where the capital would be considering their reverence of kay/le and stuff but idk. super cool tho! it might be explained in the future, or not but i think what i have there is the most rational ( or maybe they mean like various conflicts involving them but not them against each other ??). anyway, we also see jarv getting madder obvious from the last page and then the language he uses, gone from the neutral ‘ mage ‘ to negative terms such as ‘ thugs ’. so the fire heavily wounds or kills the guards and jarv jumps head long into the flames.

the next page continues with their fight which is frankly brutal but they really skimped on detail here. it is shown that jarv cut syl/as in the chest and stuff but 1) no blood and 2) it is no where to be seen later in the comic which is unfortunate. would have been cool. other things which is cool, jarv pinwheeling kay/le’s fire away. i love the dumb ways jarv is shown to use his lance in various media, just spectacular. but yeah, syl/as going for blows in calling him ignorant about the heritage he loves. cause we know how much our man loves demacia. but i think he is trying to goad him. like i said before, jarv wears his heart on his sleeve a lot. he is an emotional man, but emotions can make you sloppy.

so on the next page, we see morg’s magic and again i love this touch but who really knows how it is there. so jarv is taken down by that which is interesting because it affected him a lot more than kay/le’s? i have theories about the magics and how they affect people based on their judgements but again that’s for discussion for another post. so with the guards taken down and then their prince, syl/as finds himself victorious.

so skipping through gar/en’s bit, we next see jarv tied up and being walked ahead of some of the mages. notably he isn’t wearing his crown helm. but also, he is very calm. jarv doesn’t really fear his own death much, he has faced dying before and to him it is simply a risk a soldier faces. so he is rather calm on the walk while syl/as threatens him. though, likely also subdued by the magic from before. but he is also talking a lot of sense, this does end badly, really sy/las doesn’t get what he wants out of this venture, not really. sylas however thinks this funny and mocks him about eating rats ( which honestly i question what he actually ate because 1) idk about you but i didn’t see rats in these panels of his cell and 2) he looks very fit and healthy for a man who eats rats. personally i think they feed the prisoners but since their magic is being sapped constantly by the petricite that they likely get hungrier faster, like they are constantly exercising, and so he ate rats. but also again, lets be real, they removed jarv being tortured so he couldn’t reply ‘ well no, but i survived being tortured by noxus. i have eaten much worse. ’ ( also syl/as uses incorrect style of address here which is either an accident or an interesting hint to the next page - majesty is for kings, highness for princes ) anyway, he drags the prone jarv to the door and...

surprise. the king is already dead by the time they get there. now jarv is obviously shocked and horrified and sy/las is too but i think that is because someone is stealing his thunder and hello his plans aren’t going to plan. this is when things start going down hill for jarv’s mental state. before he was mad but controlled, jarv’s expression on this page are wild eyed. and very much lacking of any confidence he had prior. for once, the prince looks as young as he actually is, rather than acting a stoic faced prince.

now the next page is actually the one i think the artists drew the best for jarv. i really love his eyes in the first panel. jarv’s hunched posture, the looking over his shoulder and upwards, got to say i love the composition. also i didn’t mention it yet but jarv and syl/as’hair almost look the same and idk if that is intentional but i like the idea that it might have been cause it makes our fair prince look very rugged and references his position as a prisoner. anyway. but just jarv’s silence in the last panel, before he was confident and speaking and now his words are trailing off and he has nothing to say. he lost his family and the idea of mages being monsters comes to his mind here. ( also note, while i have cut this out of the image, when syl/as is asking about who killed the king the mages say it wasn’t them but possibly another mage that came with them. this is probably true since it is anarchy at the moment but also there is no blood so unlikely to have been caused by a weapon and poison doesn’t make sense since the guards were dead too. )

but that isn’t the end of it, that is for sure. syl/as lost the king to his own anarchy so he needs a new star of his show. and so jarv continues to have a bad time. he is dragged from his grieving and through the citadel ( and past some really fucked up and burnt bodies wow trying to give jarv flash backs are you? ) and here jarv is starting to have doubts about his father and his own views. ‘ my father was wrong about your kind. he thought he could make peace with you. and you murdered him. ’ jarv puts the barrier between his people and mages at this point, condemning any thought which would have allowed this as wrong. now syl/as then insists that the king could have changed this at any time but we also know the council of demacia is quite powerful itself and the king leaves it to a more democratic style of coming to decisions together and actually regrets letting them have so much power. and jarv is marched outside to be made an example of and executed.

passing over ‘lu/x being a bad ass part one’, we return to jarv being cuffed to this really fancy chair. i like it, but also how extra can you be sy/las. anyway, as this page goes on we can really see the prince’s loss of confidence and despairing states. he starts strong when syl/as claims he has been complacent on things ( finally confirmation that he hasn’t cause riot wont tell me anything !!!! ) and he denies that neither he or his father have, and syl/as knows nothing about either of them. but his words trail off, he is stuttering through his words, head bowed, skin clammy.

what he is talking about is 1) his backstory where he fought noxian invaders of demacia’s outer borders and allied lands, 2) meeting with exiles and we know in demacia their exiles tend to be mages as magic use is given imprisonment or exile - this quite happily aligns with my own head canons that he meets with them to help provide safe passage and resources similar to j3 to the noxians in his and xin’s story - 3) now we can assume he is talking about the same person from before in the earlier comic but he is really dodging around a name. i’m inclined to think shyv right now based on the ‘not so different’ so implying similar but not mage but magical creature. but really we don’t know. though that’s cute. but syl/as simply laughs this off, deeming any effort they have made and mocking his relationship. anyway, jarv just looks really sad and upset man.

and so the next page goes on and sy/las is calling for the crowds opinion on if he should be executed. some ( likely the rebels ) say yes and some ( likely town folk ) say no and beg for someone to save him. syl/as of course listens to his own people only and takes execute as the option, and starts firing up the mages on that. some call for him to be bled ( oh i see this is where they wanted to put the noxian blood letting torture. they got rid of it to be put here i see. ) and another to behead him. and up until the end, jarv simply seems like he is simply given in, accepted his death. eyes closed and almost willing it over. he has already had to deal with one drawn out (near) death before, he doesn’t particularly want another. he only seems perturbed when syl/as tries to force him to eat a rat before he dies. again he is wide eyed, and very disgusted by the prospect.

he is already in a state where his father has been murdered, he has been pulled away from him and forced to march past the magic warped remains of his people both soldiers, councillors and innocents, his death is being made into a sceptical and now he is also being humiliated. also important to note is that he is alone in all of this, his uncle is nowhere to be found, his father is dead, when forced into an arranged marriage with someone he considered a trusted friend he was given no answer but abandonment, and his two friends are no where to be seen. that mixed with the people he loves so dearly gathered to watch him die and some even calling for his death. he is hurting really badly, and if he didn’t want to be sick at the sight of burnt bodies he now wants to be sick at the thought of eating a live rat.

and now we have ‘lu/x being bad ass part two’ and ga/ren rushes in to save them both. the comic doesn’t say and what exactly happens next is likely a flash back at the start of the next comic as i believe the next comic occurs after the short story, as it was released now and not then. but i imagine two things occur in jarv’s mind during this event of him being saved ( which he know he is ). 1) gar/en is right. he can always trust ga/ren. we know his friend is vocal in his dislike of magic and belief in the laws in place, so jarv after these events probably takes to leaning on this view point as it comes from on of the only people he has left and feels safe with him after all he has gone through.

2) can lu/x really be trusted? jarv isn’t blind nor deaf. he heard syl/as and lux talk about them used to being friends, and that he used her to kill people. he doesn’t know about her magic i don’t think, but could clue it out from that maybe, and it is unsure if he knows her involvement with syl/as but he now knows she wouldn’t even deny the proposed arranged marriage to his face and she was apparently friends at one point with the one who lead to his father’s death. this cuts him a bit. ( also i see again, the trying to insert jarv lore into here? with gar/en saving him? interesting but not nearly as emotion jerking as gar/en finding his armour blood soaked and empty next to an executioners post with the pin signifying them as the closest shit in each other’s lives in the bloody mud c’: )

now, we do not know much until the events of the aftermath short story. this story, told through xin’s point of view, is honestly very depressing and provides a lot more focus on jarv’s collapsing mental state. while in the comic he is hurt and distressed, struggling with the idea of his own views on the matter and then the significant pain cause to him by magic and the possible danger it could cause his people, aftermath shows us a prince who has been stewing on it for the night. occurring the day after, it is told to us he does not look like he has slept and his emotions are raw at the surface. i suggest reading the full story but i will only be talking about jarv’s mentions in this.

so our encounter with jarv in this short story occurs with xin finding him at the training fields. he is described as already breathing with exertion and drenched with sweat, a suggestion that he has been doing this for some time now, and his emotions wild and clear. he is also attacking wildly at the dummy, very much venting but also showing us he isn’t poised or in control of himself. yet when he speaks, calling xin uncle, it seems uncertain. i surely read it with a tired and tentative voice in mind. yet, after a pause, his emotions re-flare and he becomes angry again (something which happens several times over the course of the short story). he speaks coldly, harsh, trying to find someone to take the blame for the events, shifting rapidly from seeing xin as family to seeing him as a simple bodyguard ( something from the previous flash backs show the later of being untrue, and that xin is extremely close to jarv ). i also see this as him struggling with his own thoughts and passions, a war of heart and mind - xin being family vs xin being his father’s bodyguard, in extension we have seen mages murdered my father vs not all mages are guilty, i hate them vs i hate them all.

the prince then decides the best way to interrogate xin is by also trying to vent his frustrations with sparing. in jarv’s short story ‘ ebony, ivory, jasper ‘ we see him as a very level headed tactician which is controlled and ultimately able to see the right plays and choices in things where others can not. this is not that jarv. he is literally striking first, thoughts and questions later. xin mentions he is also not taking his strikes lightly, that he is swinging hard enough to break bone, something one wouldn’t do unarmoured or with someone you care about. he is pacing like a stressed animal, gripping his weapon like it is only lifeline, and forcing xin to fight him like it is his only reprise. another point made which shows jarv’s very altered state of mind is how xin also notes his form is sloppy, jarv is a good fighter, one of the kingdoms best, yet he observes there to be ‘ little finesse to the strikes ’ and that ‘ at any other time he would have berated the prince for his poor form—he was thinking only of attack, and leaving himself open for ripostes and counter-strikes ’. now since we know xin trained him and considers this poor form for him, it is likely jarv is definitely not of these traits normally, something further confirmed when he notes these are something he wouldn’t do now or take advantage because he sees them as caused by his justified anger.

skipping past the first flash back, jarv continues to press xin and eventually just tosses his weapon away when he doesn’t get an answer he wants. the frustration and anger is palpable. the prince isn’t the kind of person to discard something so carelessly, to be so disrespectful as to throw something of his to the ground. jarv has been raised to have the ideas of honour and respect and personal value and virtue as being very important, and the disrespect of tossing one of his weapons, staring at it while someone else picks it up, isn’t something jarv in his stable mind would do. yet he does such and grabs his lance - a sharp and deadly weapon in comparison to his blunted sword - and xin protests using them because jarv is unarmoured. now i have not heard anyone cover this exact fact but i want to talk about it for a bit, xin is armoured but jarv is not. jarv is attacking and not caring about his defence. and now he is making xin fight him with their actual sharpened weapons while only xin is armoured. either of these weapons could kill him, even his own by his own hand if he isn’t careful as noted by xin. and just, he doesn’t care if he gets hurt.

i think this exemplifies one fact about jarv, the first fact i mentioned above. he experiences a great amounts of survivor guilt in the time he failed his troops as a youth and now he sees himself as failing his people and his father by not saving them. he couldn’t even beat syl/as. and now he has to live with that fact, and very alone with it now. he is both trying to find someone else to blame to share in his own self torment or at least have someone either take him out of his misery or give him a punishment that jarv thinks is fitting for his failure. and i think perhaps, while not explicitly noted, xin acknowledges it ‘ “You are not armored,” . . . “I don’t care,” . . . Reluctantly, his heart heavy, he retrieved his spear and moved back out into the open area in the center of the hall. ’ after all, it was xin in jarv’s earliest lore which remarked on the prince’s altered mental state as one of the people that knew him best, i would say that perhaps this is our new lore equivalent. and perhaps bring another down with him. ( jarv has always had a slight discard for his own life - see his quotes and his colour story - but this is quite excessive. the others can be seen as brave, this is different )

one more flash back later, they are fighting and we know jarv is not holding back. none of the fighting right now is casual, he is serious and very angry. this is contrasted with memories of xin with jarv and how jarv once idolised heros and here he is wielding the weapon in a very non-hero-like way. and yet drakebane itself moves in conjunction with his own actions like a perfect extension of his body. we are told that drakebane ( as obvious by its name ) was forged by the great weapon smith orlon, the same who made pop/py’s hammer, in order to combat a powerful frostdrake named maelstrom and her brood. perhaps digging into it too much, but i do see in essence that while the sword was not working for him yet his lance remains faithful is by his conviction in its original purpose. this lance was created to slay great beings of magic, to kill dragons, for the great kings of demacia to wield against the mages of the runewars. and this fits the mindset this king currently has.

another flashback passed we come back to a xin who is facing a new set of concerns, before he was worried about fighting the prince with dangerous weapons while jarv are unarmoured and now he is concerned that maybe the prince getting horribly wounded is not the only issue. here we see another drastic flip in jarv, he would never hurt someone he cared about, he is especially known to put himself in harms way before anyone else. and yet. he cut xin and xin is reasonably concerned but also unafraid. while it is only explicitly stated that xin thinks there is balance in dying here but it surely seems jarv also has this opinion. they both seem to think death is what they deserve. yet ( as angry as jarv is ) he doesn’t to want kill xin as much as xin wishes not to harm him. he stops as the blade ghosts xin’s skin, begging xin for answers but upon receiving it ( if not by xin’s confession but by his own reasoning ) he just deflates. he works out xin was sent away and so he is left as the only one at fault for ‘failing’. xin was fulfilling his duty, while he failed in his.

instead, jarv is just remains tired, tired and grieving and alone. through the next two flashbacks and jarv’s reaction to them we learn the late king was a stubborn man about what he believed in and that he often put his work ahead of himself and his family despite his love for his son. and just as quickly did jarv sober did his temper re-flare, upon hearing about the rebellion again he declares that they should have killed all the mage prisoners instead of imprisoning them. xin is shocked by this for he remarks that once jarv used to be concerned with the treatment of mages in demacia like his father but acknowledges that this was before what they did to him and that his anger in the moment is justified. but he still reminds him that his father wouldn’t agree with that, as he wouldn’t have once agreed with that. here it is key to see one of the great hurts in him right now is he feels both a failure and he feels betrayed, he snaps back ‘ and they killed him. ’ the lightshields had been working towards making things better for mages and in jarv’s angry thoughts and he feels betrayed by the ones they were working to help, he feels as if his good nature was taken advantage of and hurt by those he cared about. ( also note, canonically, execution is a murderer’s punishment. killing another is punishable by death and this is shown in some stories. )

just as quickly as this outburst begins does it end however, his fire dies and he sheds any mask of princely facade and anger, revealing he is simply lost, scared, sad and confused again. he grips feebly to support, and weeps. likely not the first time given his earlier description, but likely the first true time where he might realise the full emotion and weight of the situation. and he tries to hold strongly to it, he doesn’t have confidence or stability so he is all but begging xin to be it for him. when he is told that xin sees his life as forfeit, jarv grips at strings to keep xin with him. while desperate it is still very controlled though, controlled and thought out. begging wouldn’t work, but xin’s sense of duty would. and once xin starts to relent, he asks formally, appealing to the formal requirements. and once that digs at him, he appeals to the side that is his uncle, for he needs him as much as his kingdom. strategic in all things but it also shows his reliance on xin emotionally in this point. i strongly believe, if xin denied him he would crumple and things would be a lot worse. even if xin thinks he looks more composed after his breakdown.

and the short story ends with xin accompanying jarv to a council meeting. xin remarks at how controlled jarv is compared to his outburst, likely due to two things: 1) he had his outburst and is now not bottling up his emotions as much and is able to control himself better, and 2) jarv is required to look regal. xin notes that demacia needs a strong leader right now and jarv likely knows that just as well ( which will play a part in his next actions ) and so is portraying himself in such a way regardless of how his emotions might still be. i think this is shown well when he asks to see the note xin was to deliver, the contents of which anger him. it is a reminder of his older self, of his old ambitions and everything that he lost. and so he wrings its neck like he has to his old self and what he wishes to do to those that caused this. this shocks and disturbs xin and he is concerned. it is also important to note that the mageseekers are trained to combat magic so keeping them with greater powers, he increases arrests while the note wished to limit them, is advantageous to his wants.

after this point lu/x 5 will fill but we don’t know much of it so we shall skip over it for now. lastly, we have turmoil, a short story i really suggest reading which takes place one month after these events. as not much is relevant other than a few details and the laws of stone i will summarise. in turmoil, it follows a group of demacian soldiers as they are sent to escort a foreign dignitary to the capital, a mage from arbormark called arjen. the soldiers are uneasy with this and some wish that they could be out hunting the rebellions in the woods instead. two mageseekers accompany them as is now required by the laws. as they escort the mage they run into trouble. fearing the villages of the town wish to hurt the mage they are escorting, the soldiers form a tight perimeter and try to escape through a passage and a building. however, it is revealed the mob is not mad about the mage but one of the mageseekers with them. this mageseeker, under the new laws of stone was made to remove a young girl who he had been working with prior, he laments he didn’t want to remove her for she was innocent and he wouldn’t have required to prior but the laws have changed to become stricter and so all mages are considered guilty. the mother of the young mage tries to kill him but she is talked down but the crossbow still fires in a shot which would have killed one of the more vocal mage hating soldiers but arjen carefully uses his magic to deflect the bullet with only that soldier and the main character noticing. the mage hating soldier is conflicted and says nothing, implied to be having a turn of heart. the mother tells the mob to disperse and the envoy continues to the capital.

now from this we learn a couple things: 1) is is now illegal to BE a mage. prior to sy/las it was only illegal to USE magic and so benign mages were actually educated on how to control themselves at times and we treated more of a sickness at other. but now you’re life is a crime. 2) some of the mageseekers themselves are uncomfortable with this. while mageseekers have often been portrayed as horrific people, it is shown in this story as being more a magic focused police service which holds some corruption in higher ranks but also employs people who simply want demacia kept safe and don’t agree that magic is bad but rather bad mages are bad people. 3) that demacia has a lot of allies due to their defence of realms beyond their boarders and also that they understand demacia’s place and don’t condemn them for it. they understand the position of demacia based on its history. 4) these allies are sending who they think will help advise the new king of demacia best including mages and jarv is NOT denying them entry, which shows a willingness to listen which is a step beyond his much more aggressive stance one month earlier. 5) the punishment for being a mage is exile or imprisonment. currently the prisons in demacia are overloaded and there are prison camps in the outskirts. also exile is seen as one of the worst punishments in demacia. and 6) the rebellion is being hunted by the demacian army.

so, after all this, what can be conclude? it is obvious jarv is GREATLY affected by the barrage of death around him. his pre-existing survivor’s guilt is further exasperated by the failure to protect his father and those he swore to and he feels greatly betrayed by many people in his life ( lu/x for claiming to be a friend of the one who killed all these people, the mages he was trying to help striking when he is most vulnerable ). he is greatly alone with losing many friends and family and others being seemingly absent from the events, giving him only those with views which would increase his own anti-mage sentiment if he listens to them. he is lost in his grief and his depression and his anger, his empathetic nature stretched to its breaking point and he has no respite. in the end, jarv is doing what he thinks will protect his people, note he likely does not think mages among his people anymore, and will do anything for their safety. but he is also trying to be reasonable by reaching out to his allied nations as a new king and accepting the advise of mages on these topics. he isn’t murderous, but he is hurt and alone and his actions in his hurt are making him more alone. it’s a vicious cycle demacia has always been in, and now our dear newly crowned king has fallen into it.

a little extra: i do think there is a bit of jarv’s lore MISSING given the situation with shyv. i hope this will shed light on what he was doing and how that also affected him before this happened. i also hope they eventually show us jarv being redeemed for this is FAR from the jarv that the bio shows us on his page and i think that is his true self. just, if i can recall, someone i know once said at your lowest you become your opposite and i think this is true here.

#wow um okay #thats long #like 7 k words long #kudos to you if you read it all #its just me throwing out all my thoughts on the events to read #also not going to lie #this was so long #i didn't edit it at all #sorry for the grammar errors #about /#— out of character `

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mitchsenweek · 5 years

Text

IT’S MITCHSEN WEEK!!

It’s Sunday May 12 down here in Australia so first day prompt creations are being accepted from now. Please tag your work with the #MitchsenWeek2019 tag so I have a better chance of finding them, or you may even like to tag the blog in your post. If I miss yours for whatever reason, send me a message and I’ll get it taken care of.

Also, I’ve decided that my Mitchsen Week fics are being kept tumblr only until the week is complete.

Happy Mitchsen Week y’all!

(And happy Mother’s Day to all you mitchsen mamas out there.)

Day One - Secret Relationship

It started as an accident. Too much alcohol, too much tension. The girls had all consumed way too much in terms of booze, and they were all making a racket somewhere in the house. Aubrey had spotted Beca slinking off down the hall and gone after her, planning on dragging her back to the group - this was a bonding session after all. But Beca had sighed and argued back and said she needed a moment for her sanity because she was not cut from the same cloth as the rest of them.

Aubrey had seized that moment and said that she knew Beca wasn’t Bella material, knew it from the second they’d met. But before she got any further, Beca had her face in her hands and was kissing her hard. Aubrey’s brain faltered for half a step until she pushed back, driving the smaller girl against the wall and went about devouring her in return.

Beca was small, slightly cool despite the warmth in the house, and for some reason she didn’t taste like vodka mixers or cask wine. But the small hands on her face, in her hair, on her waist, they were steady and firm and they let it carry on for a while. When Beca finally pushed Aubrey back a fraction, they stared at each other, panting.

“You gotta let me get some air here,” Beca said. “I’m like... not an extrovert. These girls, I love them. But I have to breathe.” Aubrey only nodded.

“Are you - we? Okay?” she managed. Her hands moved to smooth out her skirt.

“Yes,” Beca said. “Both counts, yes. I just need to - well.” Aubrey let her go. She didn’t know what to make of what had just happened.

It developed into a routine. They’d get together - sometimes just the Bellas, sometimes all the acapella groups - and at some point late in the night when alcohol had eradicated most of the sensibilities of the other girls, Beca would disappear and Aubrey would follow. A stolen few moments kissing fiercely in a dark and out of the way corner, before Beca would sneak away under the pretence of clearing her head.

Aubrey pretended that it didn’t bother her, but the longer it went on, the harder it got. Beca never looked at her or spoke to her in a way that would indicate what was going on to anyone else. And it made her wonder just what Beca was playing at. Whether she saw Aubrey as just a plaything or as something else. She decided she was going to force her to have a conversation about it. It didn’t take long for an opportunity to present itself – the girls had all been out together one day, and she and Beca had stolen away into a quiet corner of campus on the walk back, the other girls planning some other activity for the afternoon. They’d spent a few minutes kissing each other fiercely before Aubrey remembered she wanted to talk to her about this.

“We need to talk,” Aubrey said.

“No talking. Kissing.” Beca leaned in again.

“Is this just some dirty little secret to you?” Aubrey asked. “I’m just something you can keep to yourself and never admit to? You just kiss me and then you run.” The smaller girl realised she was serious.

“Wait. No, it’s not like that,” Beca said. “I mean it, Aubrey. Look, why don’t you just come with me?”

“Come where?” Aubrey asked. Beca just held out her hand, so she took it and they headed out of the shadowed quad they’d been in. She realised Beca wasn’t letting go any time soon, and let her fingers curl into Beca’s as they headed across campus, walking together in the afternoon sun.

“They’re all very, very extroverted,” Beca said as they headed past the languages building. “Don’t get me wrong, I love being a part of the group and everything. But it is a huge effort for someone like me to even attempt to keep up with you all. After one of our get togethers it can take a good few days for me to feel like myself again.”

“It’s that exhausting?”

“It’s easier if I leave like this,” Beca said. “If I make some kind of move that lets everyone know I’m thinking about bailing it turns into one more drink or no not yet, all of that. And I hate disappointing you all so I’d stay and then I’d need to spend even more time trying to recharge.”

“You really are that introverted?” Aubrey asked.

“Extremely,” Beca said. “I’ve chosen a campus job that has me locked in a radio station away from people. My major requires no group work at all. I don’t share about myself often and when I do, it isn’t much. I’m not good at talking about things.” They walked on and Aubrey realised she was headed toward Baker Hall.

“Don’t you want to be a performer though?” Aubrey asked.

“No,” Beca said. “Producer. Behind the scenes, not up in lights.” They continued on in silence for a few moments more.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“I kissed you because I wanted to,” Beca said, pre-empting the question. “Because you’re smart and you’re beautiful and because - as previously mentioned - I’m bad at talking about things and it’s easier to do rather than say.”

“But why have we not talked about this?” Aubrey said. Beca held open the door and raised her eyebrows at the question.

“Well, I just explained why I haven’t instigated a conversation,” she said. “As to why you’ve never brought it up, I wouldn’t presume to know.” That silenced Aubrey for a moment. Beca had a point. She was an equal participant in their entanglements and there was no reason for her to assume that Beca should be the first to begin talking about things. They headed up the stairs.

“I just don’t know what to make of it,” Aubrey said. “I mean, obviously I’m enjoying it, but I do want to know what exactly it means. What I mean to you.” Beca stopped at a door and turned to face Aubrey. She put one hand lightly on Aubrey’s chest, high up near her collarbone, using it to steady herself as she leaned up a little and kissed her. This time it was soft and light, and it didn’t last long.

“It means you should come in,” Beca said, unlocking the door. “If you want.” Aubrey followed her in and Beca hit the lights, dropping her bag on the cluttered but not drastically untidy desk.

“Where’s your roommate?” Aubrey asked. Beca shrugged.

“She’s rarely here on weekends,” Beca said. “It’s good though. Gives me space.” She tugged out her phone and music began playing from a speaker next to her bed. She kicked her shoes off, so Aubrey did the same with her sandals

and shrugged her jacket off, hanging it over the back of the chair.

“So what do you want it to mean?” Beca asked. She was bent in front of a small bar fridge and came out with two bottles of water, offering one to Aubrey. “I’m assuming you’re not the type of girl who does meaningless.” They sat on the bed and got comfortable.

“No, I don’t,” Aubrey said. “I’m not one of these girls who can have things mean nothing. The first time you kissed me, I didn’t think much of it, but the more it’s happened, the more I realise it does mean something to me.”

“And it does to me, too,” Beca said. “It actually means a lot to me. But if we’re going to like, date, then I really need to make sure you understand this solitude thing. Because the group can be tiring, but I do want to spend time with you. As much as I can, honestly. But at times, for example if I’ve had a bad day, then yeah, I might need a couple hours to recuperate.”

“You regenerate best on your own,” Aubrey summarised. “Got it. Though if we’re dating now – and that’s what I want – and you do need to be alone, can you at least just let me know so I don’t worry?”

“I could like, probably text you an exploding head emoji dude,” Beca said, tracing hair back out of Aubrey’s face and tucking it behind her ear.

“Then dating it is,” Aubrey said. Beca was starting to lean in. “But let’s not tell the group right away. They’re just going to get straight up in our faces and even I don’t want to deal with that, so I can only imagine how much the thought of it unsettles you.”

“Who knows, the clandestine thing might even be kind of fun for a while,” Beca said. She was so close to Aubrey’s lips, but still not touching her. “I mean, it was always kind of hot just making out like crazy knowing that at any second someone could catch us.”

“Anyone gonna catch us here?” Aubrey asked. Beca shook her head almost imperceptibly, and it was enough for Aubrey to close the tiny gap between them. She let the kiss start softly, but something about this moment felt a little more heated than their darkened corner encounters. Beca’s tongue pushed out and licked against her lower lip, and she parted her lips. Every time they were kissing and their tongues touched for the first time, she got a headrush and a shudder made its way down her spine. Today was no different, but today she didn’t have to worry that someone would hear the moan it brought. Beca pulled back a little.

“That noise is always so hot,” she said. “Every time - it just kills me a little.” Aubrey just pushed against her shoulders until she was hovering over Beca on the bed. She could see Beca’s pupils widening and watched her teeth bite down on her lip.

“This is okay?” Aubrey asked first.

“Of course it is,” Beca said. “Welcomed, even.”

They got pretty entangled on the bed, hands and mouths eagerly going about claiming as much of the other as possible. Beca loved the way Aubrey kissed her, loved the way her lips traced over her neck, her jaw. It made her a little dizzy, in the most pleasant way. Her arms were up in Aubrey’s shirt before she realised what she was doing, nails dragging down her back when she caught herself.

“Can we start to cool it a bit?” Beca said. “I’m not in a hurry. I mean, damn you’re hot and all… but we haven’t even been out on a date. I at least like to do that a few times before we start getting around to sex.” Aubrey kissed her once more, but rolled off to the side. Beca’s hand immediately found hers and their fingers tangled together.

“So can we go out tonight?” Aubrey asked. “Chloe is off doing something with Stacie and I don’t really have any plans.”

“I’m down for dinner or something,” Beca said. “But ideally this right here would be nap time.”

“Oh, let me leave then,” Aubrey said. She shifted so she could get up, only to find herself being tugged back down.

“You could stay,” Beca said. “Just an hour or so, then we can head out.”

“You want to nap with me?” Aubrey said. “How do you know I don’t snore?”

“I don’t,” Beca said. “But you smell good and I like the way your arm feels right here over my body.”

“How am I supposed to argue with that?” Aubrey said. She slid her feet into a tangle with Beca’s and let herself relax into the pillow. She drifted off to the feeling of Beca’s fingers stroking against her wrist.

They managed to keep it quiet for quite a lot longer than either of them anticipated. Beca had confided in Stacie and Chloe about her tendency to hibernate after social activities and they’d accepted it. Aubrey simply explained to the group that she, as a double major, had a lot of study to do. It wasn’t untrue. In fact, it was pretty common for Aubrey to hide out in Beca’s room to study while Beca worked on music. But they were happy together.

They managed to avoid being spotted on dates by simply going further away from campus. They often drove over an hour to just eat dinner together, to kiss each other on street corners without any concern that someone would see them. And Beca’s roommate really was very rarely in the room, which meant when they did start sleeping together there was no danger of being caught by Chloe.

“Do you think it’s time we told them?” Beca asked quietly. They were walking back toward the car after dinner, hands tangled lightly. “It’s been almost three months.”

“If you’re ready,” Aubrey said. “Then sure. I don’t mind waiting if you need a little more time, but if you’re ready, then I’m ready.” She didn’t speak again, seeing that Beca’s brow was furrowed in thought and knowing she just needed a moment.

“I think we should tell them,” she eventually said. “They are our friends and I feel like they’d be happy for us. I know it hasn’t been easy for you, keeping it from Chloe especially. So when we get back, let’s go find her.”

“Okay,” Aubrey said, squeezing her hand softly. “We’ll start with Chloe.”

She texted her roommate as Beca drove back, just to check and make sure that she was in their room and that she was alone. She received confirmation of both of those, so when they got back they headed straight there. Aubrey headed in first.

“Beca?” Chloe said. “Hi. Sorry, didn’t expect to see you here as well.”

“That’s why we wanted to make sure you were here on your own,” Aubrey explained. “We have a confession to make.” Chloe’s eyes widened as she suddenly realised what was happening.

“You guys are together!?” she exclaimed. “Oh my lord. This is… unexpected. But still good, don’t get me wrong.”

“It’s been a lot longer than you think,” Aubrey said. “We’ve been kind of hooking up a bit since the start of the year, but the dating thing, that’s been official for about three months now.”

“Wow.”

“We wanted you to know first,” Beca said. “I know Bree doesn’t like keeping stuff from you, but she didn’t want to hurry me into having to explain it over and over to everyone.”

“Oh yeah,” Chloe said. “How are you going to go with that?”

“Don’t know to be honest,” Beca said. “It might help if you try to tell them to keep their shit calm for a while? Because Bree’s like, really important to me. I don’t want to be overwhelmed.”

“Well, I just want you guys to be happy,” Chloe said. “So whatever you need me to do to help you, I’m in.”

“Thanks,” Beca said. “I should go, though, I have some homework calling my name.” She got up and Aubrey came out into the hall with her.

“Thanks for dinner,” Aubrey said. “Do you want to try to get together for coffee before first class tomorrow?” Beca nodded slowly, and for a moment Aubrey thought something was wrong. But Beca looked up into her eyes and with nothing but total sincerity, she said it.

“I love you.” It was quiet and gentle, but Aubrey could tell that she meant it.

“I love you, too,” she replied, leaning in to kiss her.

“Whoa, what the hell?” came an interruption. They pulled back and saw Stacie was coming up the hall, and that she’d clearly seen them. “What’s this?”

“You go,” Aubrey said. “I’ll handle this.” She planted a soft kiss on her cheek, and Beca escaped down the hallway.

“Chloe here?” Stacie asked. “Also, what the hell?”

“May as well come in,” Aubrey said. “She’s here, and I can explain.” She opened the door for Stacie and followed her in to start explaining all over again.

#mitchsenweek2019 #aubrey posen #beca mitchell #mitchsen #mitchsenweek

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witchofeindor · 6 years

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Yeah, I know these are all freebies but you've already done the more interesting ones lol: 2, 10, 14

Thank you!

2 - what character do you hate the most + why?

Before I answer this I’ll just say that I hate Silas, Marco and Bob deeply too but since 1) their horrid actions are not woobified 2) they got just the right screen time and never compromised other characters’ screen time 3) they’re actually interesting characters (Marco’s and Greg’s dynamic of a narcissist raising a caregiver is a particularly interesting one in my eyes), they are not my top hated character.

That title belongs, as y’all probably have guessed already, to Nathaniel.

Why? First of all, he’s BORING AS FUCK, super bland, and beyond that very badly done deconstruction done in 3 mins in 3.13, he adds nothing to the tropes he was born of, contrary to literally any other on the show, all of whom are not only deconstructed, but also have such depth to them beyond the tropes they were born of.

All characters feel like real ppl, and that’s why I also always managed to feel their pain, with Nathaniel he’s just. boring. and not only that he doesn’t feel like a real person, he just doesn’t feel like a consistent character at all. Season 2 Nathaniel is nothing like season 3 Nathaniel, and season 3 Nathaniel changes from ep to ep but not in a realistic manner like all other characters.

Second, he’s SO vile and all of his actions were completely woobified even though in reality, they would so fucking destructive and petrifying. He sexually harasses his employee in an enclosed space where she can’t escape him and it’s passed off as ‘hot’? He orders a hit on an innocent man just so said employee, who is at that moment very unstable, would sleep with him? He destroys an innocent man’s, a man of colour at that, business just bc he’s upset he can’t have said unstable employee and ruining ppl’s lives apparently cheers him up and like, that’s supposed to be normal. We are supposed to be ok with his behaviour. We are supposed to feel sorry for him bc he has a saddish back story or whatever (literally half of the other characters on the show grew up in emotionally abusive households, yet their toxic behaviour is never justified). His relationship with Rebecca is beyond destructive for her (and one day I WILL write that post I promised explaining why out of all her relationships, that’s the one that makes me most uneasy), yet the show erases all of the red signs till last moment. And even then the show touches on only ONE aspect of why that relationship is so toxic, and not on all aspects, which is SO FRUSTRATING BC 1) they did such a great job calling out the toxicity in previous relationships, ‘Shit Show’ covers almost all issues grebecca had (except for Rebecca’s exploitation of Greg) & ‘We’ll Never Have Problems Again’ covers almost all issues joshbecca had (except for maybe Rebecca’s manipulation of Josh). 2) The show took deconstructing toxic tropes as its mission, yet they did a VERY poor job with this one. They won’t even burn that ship to the ground. WRITE NATHANIEL SLEEPING WITH NAOMI YOU COWARDS.

He’s a blatant misogynist and a bigot in general yet all of this is overlooked. He has no legit reason for us to feel for him (and no, a sad back story does NOT work - give him redeeming qualities!!! give him non malicious motivations! give him a will to change his destructive behaviour if you want us to feel sorry for him, and if you don’t - then don’t try to fucking force us to feel sorry for him).

He is abusive, manipulative, murderous, creepy, misogynistic like woah, sexist, ableist, racist, anti-semitic etc., represents the (white) patriarchy in person yet all of his behaviour is completely woobified and whitewashed.

I could go on and on but I’m too tired, to summarise I hate him bc 1) HE IS BORING 2) HE STEALS TOO MUCH SCREEN TIME FOR ZERO REASON WITH ZERO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT 3) HIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR IS COMPLETELY OVERLOOKED AND EVEN ALMOST JUSTIFIED BY THE SHOW 4) HE IS SO VILE 5) STOP BULLYING ME INTO LIKING HIM, RACHEL AND ALINE, HE IS NOT (yet) WORTHY OF MY SYMPATHY. 6) STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US HE’S HOT OR WHATEVER, HE’S NOT. 7) STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH SCREEN TIME WHEN THERE ARE FASCINATING FEMALE CHARACTERS RIGHT THERE!

That being said, I don’t think he’s irredeemable, he’ll redeem himself in my eyes if only he leaves Rebecca the fuck alone.

10 - who do you want Rebecca to end up with?

Either single or with a woman (preferably Valencia). I don’t want her to end up with a man (and even if she does, it cannot be ANYONE we’ve seen so far) bc I feel like it’d contradict one of the main themes of the show - which is exploring women’s happiness outside the world of men, so having her end up with a man, implies that a woman’s happiness cannot be complete without a man and that’s some nasty ass patriarchal bullshit.

That being said, I recently realised that almost all of Rebecca’s relationships with men were exploitative, and the one that wasn’t (well, at least not her being exploited) was absolutely angsty, dysfunctional, unhealthy and toxic. So even though I want her to end up single (or with a woman), I also want the show to make an important note that she’s capable of having a healthy relationship by its end (as well as worthy of one), but she just doesn’t feel like she needs a relationship to be fulfilled. It’s like a bonus if it happens in the future, but Rebecca does not feel she needs one.

14- anything you wish the show would do/do differently?

All of the second half of season 3, basically. Ideally, Nathaniel would have not been a character, but even if we were forced to have him as a character, he would have not been promoted to a season regular and his season 3 arc would be limited to the revenge arc + later office exchanges with Darryl. It’d be nice to have Nathaniel unlearn toxic masculinity via Darryl and that way I might have actually not hated seeing Nathaniel on the show. (Might. I’d still find him boring, bland and dull, but then at least I’d be more accepting of his role on the show, since having such a toxic male unlearn his toxic masculinity by a fatherly, loving man who embodies healthy masculinity would be an important message to send).

But what bothers me the most is

1) how they ignore consent issues - I would have the sexual harassment of 2.11 acknowledged right away, and I would definitely have Rebecca talk to her therapist about 3.04 and have the therapist make her realise she was taken advantage of and stop blaming herself.

2) I’d NOT woobify Nathaniel’s destructive behaviour and show it as is, and I’d also address EVERY toxic aspect of his dynamic with Rebecca and have that ship COMPLETELY burnt down to the ground, at least as well as they sunk grebecca.

3) Valencia would get a coming out arc, including a song about compulsory heterosexuality, to which Heather would reply chillaxly with ‘Cool, I’m the bi to your lesbian, then’ and it would make Rebecca reconsider her own sexuality, and then she’d come out as a bi with a ‘Gettin’ Bi’ reprise, to a different tune, one that suits her personality better.

Thank you for the ask!

#ask #reply #ask meme #ceg thoughts tag #nonbinarysasquatch #and I'd also have one of the boys mention in 2.13 that Greg could not come bc of exams and therapy but like that's not vital #idk I just really want him to come to terms with his father's abuse but his arc is done so it doesn't matter

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dillydedalus · 3 years

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november reading

so with lockdown #2, my master’s thesis done & handed in etc, i just had absolutely nothing going on so this month so... lots of books. featuring Houses full of statues and birds, an AU of weimar berlin, and... the plague?

someone who will love you in all your damaged glory, raphael bob-waksberg (audio) actually listened to this last month! anyway even tho i forgot about it, i actually really liked it! it’s a collection of short stories, all about love in some way, most with a strange twist - a couple wants a small wedding but the MIL insists they have to at least sacrifice 5 goats to the stone god and have a shrieking chorus, or it’s hardly a real wedding, right? that kind of thing. i really liked these stories; they were fun, hopeful without being cheesy (mostly), and the audio production, with lots of actors reading the different stories was fun. 4/5

the driver’s seat, muriel spark man this novella is nasty, but in a good way - sharp, vicious, mean but so well executed. it’s also pretty hard to discuss without spoiling it & i do think one should go into this unspoiled. but it’s certainly a classic of the unhinged women genre, showing lise seemingly making herself as noticeable, irritating and off-putting as she can on a trip to an unnamed (probably italian) city. 3.5/5

the empress of salt and fortune, nghi vo (singing hills cycle #1) a lovely novella set in an asian-inspired fantasy empire, which shows young cleric chih and their speaking hoopoe almost brilliant learn the story of a previous empress, a northerner who rose from exile as an cast-aside wife to power and of her servant, a peasant girl called rabbit. enjoyed the setting and the way this story unfolded through objects and rabbit’s retelling, and will definitely read the sequel novella which comes out in december. 3.5/5

pine, francine toon (audio) this is a crime/thriller type book with some horror elements about a young girl whose mother has disappeared mysteriously when she was very small. she lives with her dad in the scottish highlands close to a giant forest. the beginning is pretty cool & creepy, but then like 80% of it is just the girl being sad & wanting to know what happened to her mother & the dad being an alcoholic mess. and then most of the plot happens in the last 10% & isn’t great. disappointing. 2/5

where the wild ladies are, aoko matsuda (tr. from japanese by polly barton) a collection of short stories retelling japanese folklore stories about female ghosts/monsters with a feminist twist. on the whole, i liked these stories, but also found them a lot more light in tone than i expected; i guess i thought this would be more on the wild & raw side, so i ended up finding them a bit underwhelming. might also be a problem with lacking cultural context. will say tho that tilted axis press is great & i will seek out more of their books. 2.5/5

piranesi, susanna clarke (audio) god this was so good! so delightful! the House with its many rooms full of tides and clouds and birds and statues is a wonderful, magical yet melancholy setting, the narrator is kind & gentle & earnest, full of wonder and curiosity at the House and its mysteries (the contrast between the narrator’s and the Other’s attitude to the House... yes), the slow building up to the numerous reveals are just. very well done. the writing is lovely (did i almost cry about the albatross? yes) and chiwetel ejiofor is a great audio narrator. just all around lovely & the ending hits just right. 4.5/5

doomsday book, connie willis reading this book during lockdown #2.... a galaxy brain move i wouldn’t necessarily recommend. anyway this is set in a near future where time travel is used for historical research; oxford university is sending the young historian kivrin on the first mission to the middle ages (1320, which is perfectly safe, as far as medieval years go), but things go wrong and soon modern day oxford is under quarantine (ha. how wild. can you imagine.) and kivrin notices that some things are a bit off about where she is (spoiler it’s actually 1348 and y’all know what that means right... PLAGUE TIME). lots of people on goodreads found this slow and boring and while it is pretty damn slow (and for a world with time travel way too many plot points hinge on being unable to contact people by telephone), i found it riveting and uh dread-inducing throughout, but also really warm and immersive. adored this, was devastated at the end. even almost a month later i’m still in my feelings about it. 4.5/5

too loud a solitude, bohumil hrabal (tr. from czech by michael henry heim) a novella i intellectually appreciated but didn’t really love - the narrator works as a paper compactor in a nightmarish basement full of mice (that also get crushed by the hundreds) from where he imagines rat wars in the sewers but from where he also saves hundreds of books. it’s fascinating & well-written but as soon as it gets away from the nightmare paper-crushing basement, it just loses its appeal, especially when the narrator reminisces about his relationships to women (how to simultaneously put women on a pedestal and smear shit on them!!!). 3/5

i’m thinking of ending things, iain reid literary horror/thriller type book with a really intriguing first half, as a young woman is visiting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time while thinking of ending the relationship and things increasingly feel off (the parents are weird, there’s a picture on the wall that the boyfriend claims is him as a child, but is actually her, she gets weird voicemails from her own number). great sense of vague unease, very scary. then the second half kind of blows up the whole story in a way that i should theoretically find interesting but just found kind of underwhelming and not scary, especially since the ending then feels the need to spell it all out for you. 2/5

passing, nella larsen (reread) ugh this is brilliant and i almost don’t have anything to say about it so i’ll just summarise it i guess. it’s a novella about two black women in 1920s america, who knew each other as teenagers and who run into each other in a rooftop bar, where both of them are passing as white. irene finds out that clare is passing full-time, married to a white man who does not know that she is black, and although she strongly disapproves, she can’t help but be seduced (the queer subtext is strong here) into renewing their friendship, which begins to threaten her sense of stability and control. this book is pretty much pitch-perfect, has a lot of things to say about race, loyalty, what happens when categories we live by are threatened or destabilised, and is also just tight and elegantly written and. ugh. brilliant. 5/5

ring shout, p. djèlí clark an alternative history/fantasy book where the ku klux klan gets possessed by demons from another dimension and a group of black (and other marginalised) women (some men too) who are able to see these demons have to fight them from gaining more power through a showing of birth of a nation. note: the klan is still already evil without the demons, but their evil makes it easier for the demons to possess them. very cool concept, very cool setting, but i found the main character and some of the plot progression a little boring. 3/5

amberlough, lara elena donnelly (amberlough dossier #1) this is really just the nazi takeover of weimar berlin in an alternate world (literally... the denizens of the city of amberlough are amberlinians... the two epigraphs are from le carre and cabaret...), told thru an amberlinian spy (cyril) forced to work for the nazi-equivalent (the ospies), his secret cabaret mc/smuggling kingpin boyfriend (aristide), and rough-and-tumble sally bowles (cordelia). as such, it’s extremely my shit, although i will say that donnelly makes it a bit easy on herself by making the nazi parallel so very overt; the ospies’ ideology is not particularly detailed beyond ‘real fashy’ and wanting to unite four loosely federated states. it’s just.... a bit weaksauce, and while she does include an ethnic minority for the ospies to hate, this also doesn’t feel as fundamental to their ideology as it should. also cyril sucks. but these issues may be solved in the sequels & it was a lot of fun. also.... amazing cover. 3/5

the vanishing half, brit bennett very much in conversation with larsen’s passing, this is a 2020 historical novel about passing, colorism, and identity, in which desiree and stella, very light-skinned african american twins who grow up in a black town that values lightness very much, become separated when stella chooses to pass for white and marry a white man. the book is very immersive and engaging, and stella and desiree are interesting characters, but (i felt unfortunately) much of the book is focused on their daughters, whose chance meeting might expose stella/reunite the sisters/etc etc, but who weren’t as interesting. the plot also relies on coincidences a lot which is a bit annoying. still an interesting and entertaining read. 3/5

die stadt der anderen, anthology printed version of an art project where three pairs of authors were sent on trips through berlin, which each person writing about what the other person showed them and how they experienced the city through the other. there was nothing earth-shaking in this, but reading it during lockdown was lovely. in conclusion i love berlin... would love to experience it again some time. 3/5

the fire this time, edited by jesmyn ward collection of essays on anti-black racism in america, many in response to the beginning of the black lives matter movement. i don’t have much to say about it, but it is very good and i would recommend. as is often the case with essay anthologies about serious topics i don’t really think i can rate it.

intimations, zadie smith a very short collection of essays written during early lockdown. smith is always smart and fun but i wish these had been a little more focused on politics and less on personal experience, but like, you can’t really criticise a book for not being what you wanted it to be. ‘contempt as a virus’ was very good.

superior: the return of race science, angela saini really solid, engaging and accessible discussion of race science and why... it’s bad & dangerous, both looking at race science in the past and the invention of race, and how it is returning and regaining influence (not to say that race science ever completely disappeared, but as saini explains, it moved into a more marginal space in the sciences after ww2). 3.5/5

the hive, camilo josé cela (tr. from spanish by j.m. cohen & arturo barea) spanish modern classic set in madrid during the last few years of ww2. told thru short fragmentary snippets with a huge rotating cast of characters, mostly lower and middle class, going about their days, with the theme tying them together being “the city, that tomb, that greased pole, that hive”, which is a very sexy line, but unfortunately it didn’t work for me. the tone is v dispassionate and in combination with the huge cast it just made me profoundly unengaged. it also has the weird habit of changing scene in the middle of a paragraph, which i found rather confusing. 2.5/5 slave old man, patrick chamoiseau (tr. from french by linda coverdale) absolutely amazing short novel from the creolité movement aabout an old slave, seemingly resigned to his position, suddenly escaping and being pursued by the slavemaster’s terrifying monstrous mastiff through the forests of martinique, but really also about selfhood, relearning humanity, trauma and nature. the language is at turns sparse and lush and always gorgeous and the translation from french/creole uses endnotes (we love an endnote) and a strategy of doubling to retain some of the original language, which was really cool to read. so yeah this is brilliant. 4/5

mexican gothic, silvia moreno-garcia gothic horror novel about young mexican socialite noemí visiting her recently-married cousin in her new (english) family’s isolated, creepy and dilapidated mansion after said cousin sent a disturbing and strange letter calling for help. gothic horror shenanigans involving vivid dreams, family secrets and eugenics ensue. after a slow start, i absolutely devoured the second half in one afternoon bc once it gets going it REALLY gets going. not super-scary, but a nice creepy atmosphere & reveal. also loved how it combines the clear yellow wallpaper inspo (the cousin’s letter involves people in the wallpaper) and the focus on the english family’s eugenic ideology (not a fun fact but charlotte perkins gilman was a eugenicist), and the vain & flighty but also smart & stubborn protagonist. had a lot of fun with this. 3.5/5

i’m also still reading a tale of love and darkness by amos oz which is really good but which is taking me forfuckingever.

#the books i read #long post #capital-H House is way nicer than blue text house

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