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yourdeepestfathoms · 3 years

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a little unconventional (part one)

[foster au]

this is set in America because i don't know how Romania works

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rapture rising

“Alcina, my beloved sister, are you sure all of this is necessary?”

Alcina shot a glare over her shoulder at her toddling younger brother, who she was making carry in several boxes full of various items into one of the many rooms in her mansion. This one wasn’t one of the bedrooms, but rather a temporary storage room for all the things she had recently bought. She was going to have everything set up for the children to choose from when they eventually arrived. Just thinking about them getting to pick out their bedsheets and paint for their new rooms made a smile come to her lips, excitement rushing through her like dozens of butterflies flying for the first time.

…And then her idiot brother bumped into the doorframe and caused an avalanche of boxes to come down on top of him.

“Be careful!” Alcina barked, whirling around to him. She bent down to start picking the boxes up. “You’re lucky there was nothing fragile in here.”

“I’m fine, thanks for asking,” Heisenberg grunted, rubbing his head.

“And to answer your questions, dearest brother, yes, this is all very necessary,” Alcina said. “I need this to be perfect for them. This may be the first time those little girls get a real home.”

“Inflating your ego, aren’t you?”

Alcina stepped on his foot.

“I have the paints.” Moreau, Alcina’s other brother, shuffled inside, holding several cans of paint on his arms. If they were hurting him, he didn’t say anything. He seemed pleased with himself for being so useful.

“Thank you, Sal,” Alcina said. She took the cans from him and placed them against the wall. “Yellow, green, red, blue, pink, purple… Do you think that’s enough? What if they want, like, a mauve room?”

“Mauve?” Heisenberg echoed as he was crow hopping on one foot, still recovering from being stomped on.

“It’s a shade of purple,” Moreau supplied.

“I know what mauve is, asshole,” Heisenberg hissed. “I was just saying.”

“And I’m just saying, what if they want a lighter-colored room?” Alcina said. “This purple is dark. Should I go buy more?”

“You could mix white into the paint?” Moreau suggested.

Alcina thought it over, then nodded. “Yes, I could do that. Good idea.”

“Who wants a mauve bedroom, anyway?” Heisenberg muttered.

“Alcina!” A fourth voice echoed throughout the house, and Alcina’s sister entered the room. Donna looked uncharacteristically bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. She was clutching something in her hands. “Alcina, I have finished them!”

“When did you get here?” Heisenberg looked at her.

“Just now,” Donna said. “It doesn’t matter. Look!”

A beautiful doll was presented to Alcina. It was hand-stitched and dressed with great care. All the little details, down to the freckles and shiny eyes, were incredibly-made, and Alcina couldn’t help but pick it up tentatively, as though she were afraid of accidentally destroying it.

“Oh, Donna,” she said. “It’s beautiful! Thank you.”

Donna beamed. “I have also made stuffed animals and toy clothes for them. An entire wardrobe, in fact. Many selections.”

“Damn,” Heisenberg looked impressed. “Toys dress better than I do.”

“We know,” the other three said in sync, eyeing his ratty trenchcoat and old cowboy hat that he insisted on wearing everywhere.

“You weren’t supposed to agree!” Heisenberg barked like one of his dogs.

“Shouldn’t have said anything,” Alcina shrugged daintily. She looked back at Donna and smiled. “Thank you, Donna. I really appreciate your support. I appreciate all of your support. Even yours, Karl.”

“Sure, sure…” Heisenberg said, though Alcina didn’t miss the glint of fondness in his eyes.

“This is so exciting,” Donna said. “It’s a wonderful thing you’re doing, Alcina. Do you remember when we were all adopted by Mother?”

Heisenberg snorted. “I remember being kidnapped as a child and held for ransom, and then being one of the abduction victims to be actually found alive, only to discover that my parents had been killed while trying to get me back, to which I was then thrown into a home with you three.”

Donna winced. “Not…quite what I had in mind.”

“And you say ‘you three’ like we weren’t your best friends growing up,” Moreau pointed out idly, not looking at Heisenberg as he was helping unload some of the boxes. That one in particular held a wide selection of different bed sheets, ranging from leopard print to floral to plain blue.

Heisenberg raised his nose and huffed. “Well. Still.”

Alcina shook her head with a warm smile.

She vividly remembered life with her adoptive mother, Miranda, and her three other siblings. She was reborn from ash and flame after her old family estate burned down to the ground, smoldering the life she used to have and taking her parents with it. Yes, she could still smell the smoke, taste the embers on her tongue, even now, thirty-five years later. She was so small back then, only nine years old when the fire started, and she watched her home crumble to pieces right before her teary eyes. She thought it was over, that she had nothing, that she was going to be alone forever without her mother and father, but then a woman in a black cowl whisked her up into tender arms and took her under her wing as though she were the chicken to a nurturing mother bird.

She was the first of Miranda’s ragtag rascal children with harsh upbringings. For two years, it was just the both of them, reading books and watching movies in a beautiful countryside manor that quickly became her new home. Though the wounds had still been raw, the burns were very fresh, Miranda filled the void in her heart that her parents’ death left behind, extinguishing that eternal fire of survivor guilt and mourning.

And then the others came along.

At the time, Alcina had been rather indignant at the idea of having siblings. She was an only child with her birth family and she preferred to stay an only child with her new one, too, but she never voiced this opinion to Miranda. She grinned and bore it, even if it meant losing the attention of her mother.

Though, they didn’t end up being that bad…

The first of the “intruders” as she used to call them was Salvatore Moreau, a boy her age, though three months younger, and with a story similar to her own. He had been in a car crash after his drunken father got into a pretty nasty collision. The engine caught fire and it wasn’t long until the rest of the car followed. Moreau was trapped in the inferno, but managed to get out, running towards a nearby lake to extinguish the flames that were trying to make him its newest pyre. Unfortunately, the event left him badly burned, the scar still lingering all these years later, and nobody wanted to take in such a “disfigured child.” Miranda, however, stepped up to the challenge and fostered the boy, eventually adopting him fully later on.

Alcina was, admittedly, rather uneased by her new brother’s appearance at first, but she quickly got accustomed to him, even protective. There were several moments in school where she verbally (and sometimes even physically) pummeled any kids who dared to make fun of him, drilling into the bullies that he was not to be messed with while she was around. Some of her best retributions were when she threatened to leak unwarranted dick pics to the entire school, as it wasn’t uncommon for horny teenage boys to try to get into her pants, and that always shut them up quickly, especially when she loudly proclaimed details on their pathetic excuse for a penis, like the size and shape.

She and Moreau grew close rather quickly, much quicker than Miranda had been expecting. They both enjoyed more mellow things, like reading books and going on walks through the forest. Moreau was the sole reason she passed any English assignments done on Shakespearean literature, as he actually knew how to discern the confusing text, while she had to reread the same page over and over again to simply get a loose grasp on the grammar. He enjoyed cheesy romcoms, birdwatching, and swimming, the last of which he had a strong affinity for because of how the lake beside the car wreck very well could have been the only reason he survived. Now, he owned that very lake and made it into a popular fishing and boating destination for locals and tourists alike.

The second to arrive was Donna Beneviento, when Alcina and Moreau were both twelve. She was a full five years younger than the two of them and didn’t talk very often, at least for a good chunk of the first year she was there. She was put into the foster program after her parents commit suicide, leaving her with nothing but anxiety, trauma-induced selective muteness, and a doll named Angie.

It took time, but Donna eventually started opening up. First to Miranda, and then to Alcina and Moreau. Alcina strongly remembered a time when her little sister came to her room during a thunderstorm, lips quivering, tears glistening in her eyes, Angie clutched in a vice from her thin arms. She didn’t say anything, just stared from the doorway, whimpering and shivering.

“Alright,” Alcina had sighed. She flipped open her comforter, welcoming Donna. “Come on.”

Donna had brightened and skittered into the bed, snuggling right up against Alcina’s side. Alcina didn’t mind and resumed the book she had been reading before--Animal Farm, she believed. Donna pointed at the pages and then looked up at her curiously.

“Oh, this?” Alcina had said. “It’s called Animal Farm. It’s about these talking farm animals overthrowing their farmer to gain freedom, only to then be ruled by a communist pig.”

Donna blinked. “What’s a communist?”

“Well, you see…”

Her late-night explanation was certainly aided by the fact that they were in the middle of the Cold War at the time.

Overtime, Donna slowly grew out of her shell. Though she was still soft-spoken and reserved, she was also very kind-hearted and incredibly creative, which she showed through paintings, arts and crafts, and doll making. She would make dolls out of anything she could find--wood, thread, clay--so it made sense when she eventually became a toymaker once she grew up.

Finally, there was Karl Heisenberg when Alcina and Moreau were thirteen and Donna was eight. Right from the start, he was a loud, spitfire ten-year-old that broke the serene silence that used to hang over Miranda’s estate. He caused a great amount of mischief and mayhem, though Alcina would later discover it was to hide the fact that he was deeply traumatized by what exactly had happened to make him a foster child.

Even now, so many years later, Alcina still didn’t know the full story. Miranda said it wasn’t her tale to share and Heisenberg simply didn’t like talking about it very much. But from what she did know, Heisenberg used to belong to an incredibly wealthy business owner that ruled over their company with an iron fist. Due to the harshness his parents inflicted on their employees, it caused the workers to revolt against the abuse. A certain group took this way too far and kidnapped Heisenberg, holding him for ransom so they could get better treatment and pay at their work. Something ended up happening during the time between Heisenberg being held hostage and his parents paying up, and it left his mother and father in a way that he could never bring himself to explain. She only got snippets of the brutality of their deaths through brief moments when he would come to after vicious nightmares, one of which she actually stepped in to stop when she heard him struggling one night.

“Their heads, Alci,” Heisenberg had gasped, clawing manically for a desperate grasp on her arms, his body jerking and spasming in terror as his nightmare was still releasing his small, twelve-year-old body. “Their heads-- their brains were--” And then he stopped and keeled into her chest, sobbing in a way Alcina had never seen him do before in the two years he was living with her before that moment. Despite her occasional vex towards the boy, he was still her little brother and she was still his big sister, so she had wrapped her arms around him and held him close while he trembled and cried.

She never did find out what Heisenberg meant by “their heads,” but she had a hunch. Still, she never asked.

Nowadays, Heisenberg ran his own factory, where he treated his employees the way his parents should have treated theirs, learning from their mistakes. He also fostered all different kinds of dog breeds until they found their forever homes and rescued the more ‘vicious’ ones, like pit bulls and rottweilers, all of which he treated like royalty.

A freakishly tall girl, a burned boy, a selective mute, and a dog lover… They certainly weren’t the epitome of the stereotypical nuclear family, but they were family through and through, if not by blood, then by bloodshed.

“Do you guys remember the time Karl tried to clean the dishwasher with Kool-Aid?” Donna reminisced with a giggle.

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Heisenberg said.

“Absolutely not,” Donna grinned at him.

“I still don’t know how you came to the conclusion that that would work,” Alcina shook her head.

Heisenberg threw his arms up into the air. “John said it did!”

“John also tried to steal a school urinal.”

“Also, you’re supposed to take all of the dishes out before you try to clean it with Kool-Aid,” Moreau spoke up. “You left all of the pots and plates and silverware in it.”

“And he didn’t even put it in the right spot!” Alcina joined, cackling. “You’re supposed to put the powder in the detergent dispenser. Karl, you just poured it out all over the dishes!”

“It wasn’t even the right powder,” Donna put in. “You’re supposed to strictly use unsweetened lemonade only. You used tropical punch!”

Alcina, Donna, and Moreau all burst into laughter, while Heisenberg crossed his arms and glared at them.

“John never specified any of that!” he blustered.

“Never trust John, dear,” Alcina tittered.

“Well, it happened!” Heisenberg said. “It’s over! What other boxes do you need to move!”

More laughter.

“I’m serious! I’ll get the boxes! Also WHAT IS THAT.”

They all turned to see a patchy tortoiseshell cat lazily strolling into the room with them. It looked like it had been run over, dismembered, run over again, and then put back together by a blind surgeon, but it held itself like it was the most pristine lion to ever walk the earth. It glanced over at the four siblings, meowed at them, then continued on its stroll to one of the empty boxes, which it jumped into and made itself comfortable inside.

“It’s a cat,” Donna said as if it should have been obvious, earning a snort from Moreau and then a glare from Heisenberg.

“It’s not funny,” Moreau said quickly after Heisenberg glared at him, too, but it was obvious Heisenberg’s leer was all in good fun.

“No, no. Tom from Tom and Jerry is a cat,” Heisenberg said. “THAT is an overgrown street rat.”

“Well, one could assume the same about you, but you don’t see us pointing it out,” Donna said breezily.

Another bout of laughter, this time with Heisenberg included.

“Okay, okay, you got me there,” Heisenberg said.

“Must you insist on reacting the same way every single time you see Tea Cake?” Alcina finally spoke up through the playful bickering. She crouched down next to the cat and stroked its back, which caused it to purr in content.

“It’s my trademark,” Heisenberg said with a shrug. “That old woman is still alive?”

“And kicking,” Alcina smiled fondly at her pet.

Tea Cake had been with her for a long fourteen years, witnessing more than a few existential crises and drunken concerts put on to chase off her lurking PTSD. That cat came during the worst part of her life, and Alcina owed everything to that little beast. She learned how to laugh and smile and genuinely feel again, not hide behind the facade that she was a strong, powerful woman who could take on everything and come out without a scratch.

And, yes, Alcina had known- still knew, that she had Miranda and her siblings, but sometimes they were not enough, not back then, not when she was filled with so much shame and self-hatred and disgust. Animals were different in a way people couldn’t be. Animals didn’t lie, they didn’t judge or think about how messed up you were in their heads. They didn’t share your secrets or give you false hope. They just--be there. They listened and lent their presence and, sometimes, that was all that was needed, and some people didn’t seem to understand that.

Tea Cake’s fur had dried more of Alcina’s tears than anyone else ever had because she never let them fall in front of others. Tea Cake didn’t get upset when Alcina touched her; she didn’t understand the concept of emotional trauma and sexual harassment and body image issues. She just cared, even if she didn’t quite get it.

Alcina would probably be dead if it weren’t for her.

Yes, she remembered that fateful night… The wind in her shaggy hair she hadn’t washed in days, the moonglow on her ashen skin, the tears burning in her eyes--all of it was so clear, even now. She remembered how horribly, hopelessly depressed she had been and how she drove out to a field with a note on the dashboard and a gun in the passenger seat.

At the time, nothing had helped her. Her antidepressants weren’t working, going out only made her feel unsafe, and her family’s presence no longer brought her comfort and happiness, rather guilt and shame. The only thing that ever helped was when she drowned herself in the alcohol she made for a living, drinking away her despair and trauma until her body tingled and the phantom hands went away. She was surprised her liver never exploded inside of her during those awful few months.

She had sat in her car for a while, leaning her head on the steering wheel and wallowing in silence and darkness. Then, she got out, made sure the note was visible, and grabbed the gun.

She considered calling or texting her mother and siblings, but that would make it hurt worse. It was better to leave them with their last memories of her than to have this sudden news of a goodbye that they wouldn’t be able to stop.

She placed the pistol’s barrel in her mouth and rested her finger on the trigger. Her life didn’t flash before her eyes like some movies or books say it did, and she was quite thankful for it. She didn’t want to relive the agony she had been put through that led her up to that point. She just shut her eyes as tight as possible in preparation for the bullet to pass through her brain…

Then, there was a rustling from the grass nearby.

Alcina hesitated. The metallic taste of the gun left her tongue and she looked in the direction of the noise.

“Hello?” she had called out in her best possible not-about-to-kill-herself voice.

A tiny meow answered her.

“Your roadkill wants you,” Heisenberg’s voice cut through the daze that had momentarily descended upon Alcina’s mind.

Blinking, Alcina realized that Tea Cake was gnawing on her finger and meowing. She smiled.

“It’s probably dinner time,” Alcina said. She stood up straight. “Come on, children. I have news to share.”

Curious, her three younger siblings followed her out of the room and to her kitchen, Tea Cake padding after them eagerly. Her house was a beautiful creation of the finest wood and the most luxurious stonework. Top-of-the-line appliances filled the space and every little detail, down to the hanging droplets on the chandelier and the grooves in the staircase railing, were customized to her preference. 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, 17,182 square feet, 14.99 acres filled by lush vineyards, and $5,500,000 later, and you had the Dimitrescu Estate.

And it was a barren prison.

It had always been there, ever since she moved in: that lingering loneliness that seemed to shroud every hallway. She had so much space, but nobody to fill it. Nobody except herself, Tea Cake, and her maids, of course. Lying awake one night, thinking about this issue as she often did, a solution had finally come to her.

After pouring some wet food into Tea Cake’s food bowl, Alcina grabbed a bottle of sweet butter wine out of her wine fridge and poured a glass for herself and each of her siblings, all of which were staring at her curiously. After taking a long sip, she finally began: “As you all know, I have plans to foster a child. And I greatly appreciate all of the support you three have provided me up until now.”

“Is this an award ceremony or something?” Heisenberg joked light-heartedly. “Can I have the award for most boxes carried? I think I deserve that one.”

“You mean most boxes dropped?” Donna giggled, earning her a playful poke in the side.

“No, it is not an award ceremony,” Alcina glared at Heisenberg without any fire in her gaze. She opened up a drawer in the stainless kitchen island they were gathered around. “Though, this may very well be an award…” She pulled out a blue folder packed full of papers and set it on the marble countertop, grinning brightly. “I just wanted to let you all know first that my training is done. I’ve completed all the classes.” Her heart swelled in her heart as she spoke her next words: “I’m a foster mom now.”

All at once, her younger siblings lit up brighter than the sun’s supernova, throwing their arms up into the air and letting out a celebratory shout. Donna and Moreau even raced around the island to hug Alcina, which she returned with a laugh.

“Oh, that’s so wonderful, Alcina!” Donna said, squeezing her with surprising strength. “I’m so happy for you!”

“Me too,” Moreau agreed.

“Sal, are you crying?”

“No!” Moreau yelped, then sniffled. “I just have something in my eye, that’s all.”

“You mean tears?” Heisenberg teased. He then looked at Alcina. “That’s amazing, Alcina. I’m really happy for you. You deserve this.”

“Aww,” Alcina crooned. “Is my little brother going soft?”

Heisenberg instantly steeled himself. “Me? No way! I was just saying what you would want to hear.”

Still being embraced on either side by her other brother and sister, Alcina chuckled. “I see.”

“Do you know your placement yet?” Donna asked, looking up at Alcina as though she were a child again.

“Placements,” Alcina corrected. She couldn’t help but grin again as she spoke of her future children. “Two. I’m getting two little girls.”

“Aww!” Donna and Moreau both cooed.

Heisenberg was nodding. “Girls. Yes. I can do girls.” He looked up at Alcina. “I’m getting them a puppy.”

“Oh, you don’t have--”

“I’m getting them a puppy,” Heisenberg said again, and it was clear he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

Alcina chuckled. “Alright. A puppy it is.”

Donna and Moreau began to join in on plans for being the greatest aunt and uncle, with Moreau saying that they needed to come to his lake for a swim and Donna listing off all the toys she would make for them. Alcina listened to them with a fond smile, happy to have such a supportive family. This was exactly what her daughters were going to need.

Daughters.

Just thinking about that word made her heart flutter in her chest. Her grin turned giddy. She was going to be a mother soon.

As she sipped from her wine glass, she thought about her placements. She had gotten the call four days ago and was scheduled to meet the little ones in the next two weeks. She could still hear her caseworker’s words in her ears during the conversation as she recalled it to her siblings.

“The first is named Daniela,” Duke had said. He was a studious, patient man with a warm smile and hands like chipmunk paws, keen on helping Alcina ever since she started her training to become a foster parent six months ago. “She’s a little girl and eleven years old. Her parents have, unfortunately, recently died due to a car crash. Her living relatives are unfit to take care of her, so she’s been placed into the foster system. Right now, she’s staying with her aunt and uncle, but she cannot be kept there much longer because of, ah…jealousy issues with their actual child.

The second is named Cassandra. Another girl, this one twelve years old. She’s been in the foster program ever since she was a baby when she was given up, as she was born from a teenager who couldn’t take care of her. She’s had…quite a few foster homes, all of which had given her up to someone else due to…issues. I understand if you don’t want to take this child. She’s been known to cause problems in her houses and pick fights. There is-- woo, that’s a lot of complaints… There are some notes on her left by her former families and-- Goddamn. They’re writing of her like she’s a monster or something…”

“Of course, I couldn’t turn down either of them,” Alcina concluded her retelling. “Especially the second one. Cassandra. The poor thing sounds like she needs a good home.”

“You’re so sweet, Alci,” Donna said, smiling at her.

“Think you can handle it?” Heisenberg asked. “I’m not doubting your abilities, but from what you said about the kid… Well, she just sounds difficult.”

“You were difficult,” Alcina said, grinning at him. “And everything turned out just fine, didn’t it?”

Her youngest brother’s concern didn’t diminish. “Yes, but… I don’t want anything to happen to you or my niece.”

Alcina, Donna, and Moreau all cooed. Heisenberg huffed.

“Oh, shut it! I have a heart!”

“You do,” Alcina’s smile lightened slightly. “But don’t worry: everything will be okay. I can do this. I need to do this. Those two little girls need a mother.”

Heisenberg considered her for a moment, then nodded. He smiled at her. “You’ve got a good heart, Alcina,” he said. “If you ever need any help, I’m here.”

“Me too!” Donna joined in.

“Me three!” Moreau piped up.

Alcina laughed. “Thank you. Really. This means a lot to me. Now…” She raised her glass. “Let’s drink before we have to cut back because there will be children around!”

Her siblings laughed and mimicked her gesture.

Alcina couldn’t wait.

#foster au #resident evil au #resident evil fanfic #resident evil 8 #resident evil village #alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #karl heisenberg #donna beneviento #salvatore moreau #mother miranda #dimitrescu daughters #a little unconventional

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babymetaldoll · 3 years

Text

DIWK: Chapter eleven: "Can't get you off my mind"

|Word count: 9,7K

Summary: Reader struggles with her feelings for Spencer and tries to work with Seaver. Neither of those things works. Spencer's headaches are getting worse. Also, it's Anderson's birthday! Things are getting a little more complicated.

Warnings: Hardcore fools in love. It's getting painful to watch. Spoilers of Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 11. 25 to life. Cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Assholes being blind.

A/N: Please don't hate me! but these two are just so blind, it hurts!

Masterlist

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Spencer's point of view

Psychotics in a break always evolve. Well, I was psychotic at that minute of my life, but the only things evolving were my migraines. They were driving me insane. I could feel them taking over my life, my head, my sanity. I could feel my good judgment slipping through my fingers every day, especially since (Y/N) had started acting strange.

It wasn't like she had stopped talking to me or hanging out with me. But I could feel a void growing between us every day. And it was driving me insane. I couldn't understand where it had come from. I just knew it was eating me alive.

Morgan was having a bad day. One really bad day. The man he had vouched for parole had just murdered a man after nearly 70 hours of freedom, and now the team was trying to solve the whole case. Don Sanderson claimed he had been framed guilty of the murder of his wife and baby daughter, but after 25 years in prison, the first thing he did as a free man was to murder someone else.

It made no sense.

We had visited the murder scene. Hotch was still on a leave, so it was just Prentiss, (Y/N), Morgan, Rossi, Seaver, and I. Emily was in full "training agent's duty," walking Seaver through every step of the procedure, which was very nice of her. It was her first case after the incident in New Mexico, and she was eager to do better work than that time. She was nearly jumping all over the place, taking notes.

I talked with Garcia on the phone because he was worried about Morgan, and then I walked to (Y/N), who kept a safe distance from Emily and Seaver.

- "The bullets were in the other room, but the gun is right here,"- I said as I looked around the room. (Y/N) turned to me, ready to speak her mind, but Ashley spoke first, which annoyed her beyond belief.

- "Maybe killing him was an accident."

I looked at my best friend as Prentiss and Ashley continued talking. She just crossed her arms and walked around the room. She surely wasn't dealing well with having Seaver around. I wanted to ask her something, anything, but nothing came to mind.

- "Sanderson was out of prison for what, Reid?"- I answered Emily's question but didn't even turn to look at her. My eyes were following (Y/N), moving around that room.

- "At the time of the murder, 51 hours."

- "He's free for 2 days and change? What's the big hurry to find this guy?"

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and stood next to (Y/N) as Prentiss and Ashley kept analyzing the scene.

- "Yeah, just tired."

- "Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I didn't see you this weekend, and I thought we could do a movie night."

(Y/N) took her time to answer, but finally, after a moment, she nodded and agreed.

- "Movie night sounds nice."

- "Great, ‘cos I rented your favorites."- I might have sounded more excited than I should, but I had really missed her those days, and I may or may not have watched and read Pride and Prejudice a couple of times.

- "Did you? Really?"

- "Yes, I was hoping to spend some time with you."

- "Are you coming, Spence?"- Seaver interrupted us and looked from the door- "Rossi called. They are interviewing Sanderson at the BAU."

- "Yeah, we are coming,"- I answered and looked away. (Y/N) shook her head and walked outside in silence the second Prentiss called my name, and I couldn't follow her. Which, I guess, was a good thing.

- "Is everything ok?"- Emily stayed behind with me. She raised an eyebrow, watching (Y/N) walking out of the room as Ashley waited for us by the door.

- "Yes?"- my answer came more as a question because I honestly didn't know what to say- "Everything is ok, Emily."

- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling (Y/N) isn't thrilled to have agent Seaver around."- I almost chuckled at her words and just nodded.

- "It's not like she has made it hard to tell. She literally yelled at her at the jet."

- "Is she mad at me because I am supervising her training?"

- "I don't know. I don't think so… she hasn't told me so. Well, she hasn't talked to me much lately."

- "Why? Did you fight?"- Prentiss wide opened her eyes and moved a little closer to me, trying to read my expressions.

- "No, I don't know what's going on. She just… we…"- I couldn't find the right words to explain my mind, and I think Prentiss knew it, ‘cos she didn't push me.

- "You should talk to her."

- "Yeah, we are going out tonight."

- "You have a date?"- Ashley walked over and asked me with a short smile. I cleared my throat and shook my head right away.

- "No, just meeting with a friend."

- "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to intrude,"- Seaver blushed and looked at her shoes. Prentiss smiled, probably reading something I wasn't seeing.

- "Come on, Rossi is probably waiting for us at the BAU, and I'm guessing Morgan is not in a good mood."

For the rest of the day, I tried to find a moment alone with (Y/N). I needed to talk about what was going on. But it was impossible. We worked late, rereading the original case files, trying to find something that might help us help Sanderson. But it was frustrating and nearly impossible.

So around nine, we decided to call it a day and go home.

- "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"- I looked at (Y/N), gathering all the things as I stood next to her desk- I thought maybe we could get some take-out from that place you love on our way home.

- "Sounds nice. What are we watching?"

- "Pride and Prejudice, Coraline, maybe Beetlejuice. You pick, I've got all your favorites,"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, looking at me in silence- "What?"

- "So you rented movies ‘cos you wanted to hang out with me?"

- "Yes."

- "You usually don't rent movies. You rent documentaries."

- "Yes, but I wanted to do something different this time. I told you I missed you."

(Y/N) blushed as she stood in front of me, biting the inner part of her cheek, trying not to smile. I looked at her, nearly beaming, excited to see her reaction. I had felt so scared to lose her, feeling her pushing away from me. It was a balm watching her so happy, and just because I missed her.

- "I love Pride and Prejudice,"- Ashley said from her desk- "I've read that book so many times, I think I can recite it."

I looked at her and nodded with an awkward smile. I knew she was just trying to be nice ‘cos she was new at the BAU, and she was also trying to be nicer to (Y/N), to get on her good side. But that wasn't the way to get to her. Maybe I had to talk to Seaver and explain that my best friend is a special woman.

Neither of us answered her comment. We just stood there, looking at her in silence, until Anderson walked over and waved.

- "Hey agents, before you go, I wanted to tell you, this Friday I'm celebrating my birthday, and I'd love to have you over."

- "Of course, Sonny!"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and clapped. She had called him "Sonny" since they sang "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher in the karaoke at the Christmas party the year before.

- "Happy birthday, Anderson!"- Derek waved.

- "Thank you! We'll gather at a bar nearby. I'll text you the address."

- "We wouldn't miss it for the world,"- Prentiss added and smiled- "Do you mind if we tell JJ and Garcia?"

- "Please do! I haven't seen JJ since she left, and it would be amazing to have her over. You too, agent Seaver."

- "Thank you!"- Ashley smiled and nodded- "Count me in."

I could feel (Y/N)'s eyes rolling, annoyed, even when I wasn't even looking at her at that minute. I grabbed my bag and my coat and held her hand.

- "Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!"- that was all I said as I dragged her out of the bullpen. Emily waved at us, and Derek cut me an evil grin I could decode easily. I just ignored him and turned to the door.

- "Have fun, pretty girl!!"- Morgan chuckled at his own words, and (Y/N) just smiled and winked. Why? Probably to show him she didn't care about all his teasing, ‘cos nothing was ever going to happen between us.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It might have been childish, but I had to take advantage of Morgan's innuendo just to show Seaver things could happen between Spencer and me. It had been immature and silly, but I just felt like I needed to do it. It was like a stupid animal instinct that forced me to mark my territory.

I shouldn't have done it. Spencer wasn't mine. Not even close. And I had to stop being jealous of Seaver. If he didn't want me, he had the right to be with anyone else. But just the thought of Spencer being with someone, anyone, made me feel sick in my stomach. I hated being in love with him. I honestly did, ‘cos I didn't want to ruin our friendship with useless feelings. Spencer wasn't in love with me. He was just my friend. My very thoughtful, cute, adorable, and lovable best friend.

I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Even that second, sitting on that couch with Spencer, I couldn't focus on the movie. I pretended, but I didn't even pay attention to it. All I could think of was how warm his body felt sitting next to me, like a gigantic magnet that called for me. I could simply just move my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Or lean in closer, rest my head on his shoulder, feel how he wraps an arm around me, and melt in his embrace, like I had done a million times before.

But I couldn't. I had to stop that daydream of a domestic and romantic life with Spencer. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't sane. But most of all: I wasn't real. And I was never going to move forward in life if I kept thinking those movie nights meant something.

- "More popcorn?- Spencer handed me the bowl, and I shook my head- "You have been awfully quiet considering we are watching Coraline."

- "Well, we are supposed to watch the movie in silence,"- I answered and didn't take my eyes from the screen.

- "You have never done that."

- "Maybe I wanted to give it a try."

I grabbed a bunch of popcorn just to keep myself busy. I could feel Spencer's eyes on me, and it was killing me ‘cos I knew I didn't have to look at him. If I did, I wasn't sure how I would react. I was overthinking everything and anything you might think of.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah. Sure."

No, I wasn't.

- "(Y/N), can you look at me?"- Spencer paused the movie and turned to me. I hesitated, thinking my best friend is an amazing profiler, and I didn't want him to know how I felt about him ‘cos it didn't want to ruin our friendship.

After a few seconds, I moved on the couch and raised an eyebrow. His brown eyes stared into mine in silence for a moment, trying to read me.

- "What is going on?"

- "Nothing,"- I lied and frowned- "Why are you so obsessed with the idea something is going on?"

- "‘Cos I have this… feeling."

- "You got a feeling?"- I chuckled, trying to be funny but failing completely. In the end, I just stared into his eyes for what seemed to be a million years but were, in fact, just a few seconds.

- "Are we ok?"

- "Of course, we are, Spencer."

- "You never call me that"- he frowned immediately, almost hurt.

- "What?"

- "You just call me Spencer when we are on a case, and there are people around us. But when we are home, I'm never Spencer to you."

"When we are home." That killed me. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that to be our home, to have a life with Spencer.

I was in love with my best friend. I was spending every single hour of every single day of my life with him. That wasn't right! If I knew he didn't have feelings for me, why was I doing that to myself?

- "(Y/N)?"- Spencer's voice took me from my thoughts. He looked so worried I didn't know how to convince him there wasn't anything wrong, considering it felt like everything was wrong.

- "What is it?"

- "Please tell me what's wrong."

- "I told you, nothing is wrong. I just called you Spencer. That's your name. It's a lovely name. I had never met someone called Spencer ever before in my entire life. You just called me (Y/N), not pumpkin, cupcake, chipmunk, or ma chère,"- he sighed, frustrated and maybe a little annoyed.

- "Nothing is wrong, honey. I'm really ok. Just tired, maybe feeling a little invaded with Seaver in the team"- I knew he knew I hated her, so I had to blame her in a way.

- "Why?"

- "You know I'm not her fan... I hate working with her,"- I kind of chuckled at my own words because I was trying to make a joke out of my awful reality.

- "It's just for a few weeks,"- he tried to reassure me, probably to ease my mood, but the truth was I hated how it always felt like he was defending her.

- "One week, one day, it's the same torture,"- I shook my head and turned to the screen again.

- "Don't be dramatic."

- "I'm not dramatic! I just hate how she is always playing the victim ‘cos her father is a serial killer. She is clearly overcompensating! Besides, we have all gone through bad shit in our lives, and no one is using it as a tool to get things in life."

- "I don't think that's what she is doing."

- "No? Do you think she belongs at the BAU? She is a trainee agent who almost got killed in her first assignment. She works hard, and she is not stupid, I give you that. But she is not top of her class. She is not there ‘cos she is the brightest. She is there ‘cos Rossi, Hotch, and probably Prentiss felt bad for her after what happened and decided to let her hang around and learn something for a while. If you ask me, I think there are more qualified trainee agents we could use in the team, but Seaver played her "my father was a serial killer" card and got the job. And who knows how many times she had done it before, and how many times she will use it again."

Ok, that may or may not have been too hard, but it was exactly how I felt. There was a deep silence in Spencer's apartment. The movie was still paused, and after my speech, Spencer just looked at me with wide-opened eyes. I just sighed and regretted every word that had left my lips ‘cos they made me sound bitter and shallow. But at least they didn't tell him the truth: that I was jealous of the thought Seaver might get his attention. Scared that he could look at her the way he had never looked at me. Just to imagine I could bump into them kissing terrified me.

- "Maybe I should just go home,"- I whispered and tried to stand up, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the couch.

- "No, please. Stay,"- his voice was a whisper but still managed to shake me.

- "I don't wanna argue with you, honey,"- I thought I would speak too loud, but no, I actually murmured, matching his tone of voice.

- "We don't have to talk about Seaver anymore. Just watch the movie with me. You love this movie."

- "You love this book,"- I added and looked at him. He smiled. God, that smile is going to be the end of me.

- "It's just so dark! But it has such a good message."

- "Not all nice people are good people?"- I just spoke about what the book had meant to me ever since I was a little girl, and Spencer analyzed the whole plot again in less than a minute.

- "I was going to say overcoming your fears, but I like your analysis the most."

- "Of course, you do, ‘cos it's better,"- I teased and stuck out my tongue to him. Spencer just stared at me and nodded.

- "You might be right. Yours is much better,"- he kept his eyes on me for a few more seconds and continued smiling until he snapped from his thoughts- "More tea, ma chère?"

- "No, honey, thank you. I'm good."

I cut him a quick smile and sat back on the couch, trying to relax. I knew it was going to be impossible, but I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him. I had stayed home alone the whole weekend, hidden underneath a pile of blankets, in something that looked pretty much like a fort, according to Lu's words. She had stayed with me Saturday night ‘cos I told her I needed a girl's night. It was my poor attempt to stay away from Reid, and she was happy to help.

Ok, Lu didn't know I wanted to stay away from Reid. I just told her I needed a girl's night. I really didn't want to deal with all her questions. You have the right to avoid dealing with your feelings from time to time if you can. And I told Spencer Lu wasn't feeling so good, so I wanted to spend some time with her. He sounded disappointed ‘cos he was making plans for our weekend off but understood completely I needed to be with my friend.

See? Spencer made it so easy falling in love with him! He was so thoughtful it freaking hurt!

I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt he was waiting for me to make that move, ‘cos in a few seconds, his arm was wrapped around me protectively.

- "I know Lu needed you, but you missed a whole weekend of cuddling on this couch watching your favorite movies with me,"- Spencer whispered, bumping his head carefully against mine. I bit my lips and smiled, not taking my eyes away from the screen.

- "We do this pretty often"- that was all I could answer.

- "At least once a week for the last… thirteen-month two weeks, and… four days."

- "I love how precise you can be when it comes to our friendship, honey."

Calling it a friendship hurt me at that point, but it was what it was. Spencer chuckled and just nodded. We enjoyed our company in silence for a moment. His fingers drawing figures on my arm and my head resting on his shoulder, letting his smell invade me. It was heaven.

We were finally watching the movie… though what I really wanted was to watch a movie with Spencer instead of actually watching it. But that was the nature of our relationship. We were friends. Friends don't watch movies.

- "No way,"- I argued when his cellphone rang and interrupted our moment- "Please tell me we don't have a case."

- "We don't,"- he quickly answered and picked up the phone- "Hello? Hi… it's ok, tell me"- he didn't stand up or moved from me. He kept holding me tight against his body and finished his call by simply saying.

- "We can meet tomorrow at seven at work. I can help you with your test."- I hated those words immediately.

- "It's not a problem, see you tomorrow. Bye."

I was afraid to ask ‘cos I knew the answer. The knot on my stomach was the fair warning of what had just happened. That bitch had ruined our moment yet again.

- "What are you doing tomorrow at seven?"- I did my best to sound as casual as possible, but I knew that conversation might not end well. He hesitated. I could nearly hear his neurons struggling to find the correct answer to that question. Until he simply whispered:

- "Please don't get mad."

- "Why would I?"

- "‘Cos Ashley just called to ask me to help her study for a test…"

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, doing my best to calm myself down at least a little before speaking.

- "I'm not mad, Spencer,"- I tried to lie as smoothly as possible. I even cut him a smile and looked into his hazel and confused eyes.

- "I know you don't like her, but I had offered to help in case she needed any… what?"

- "I'm not mad, really,"- I smiled again and turned to the screen- "We said we were not going to argue, and besides, she just called to ask you for help. That's not something to be mad about, right?"

Technically I wasn't mad. I was beyond furious.

- "Are you sure?"- he narrowed his eyes, baffled- "Not that I want you to be mad or something, but we just argued over her, and you said you felt invaded by her… so…"

- "Yes, but I don't wanna argue anymore. I don't want you to think I hate Seaver because I don't. And most of all, I don't want her to be the reason we fight. I don't wanna fight with you. Ever."

Spencer sighed, relieved, and smiled, pleased with my answer.

Spencer's point of view

Something felt off the following day when I walked into the bullpen and saw Ashley waiting for me by my desk with two cups of coffee. (Y/N) had said everything was ok, and I decided I wanted to believe her. But I had an awful feeling about everything that was going on.

- "Hi!"- Ashley smiled and handed me a cup- "Figured you might appreciate one of these for making you wake up earlier."

- "Thank you"- I smiled awkwardly and held the cup- "Are you ready?"

- "Yes, I brought all the notes from the class and my books…"- she set them on her desk and giggled as I went through her notes, sipping my cup- "I feel back in high school…"

- "Why?"

- "I wasn't the best student back then, and I always had to ask my classmates for help,"- I couldn't help but think of something (Y/N) had said the night before.

- "And are you a good student at the academy?"

- "Yes, I think. I'm not in the top three of my class, but I have good grades. I'm just not… a genius, like you."

Her eyes lingered on my face, and her cheeks blushed after a few seconds. I frowned, not getting why she was embarrassed. Was it just ‘cos she didn't have the same honorifics as I did?

- "I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified,"- I simply answered, remembering how many times in my life I had ever said something like that. Way too many, to be honest.

It was hard to focus on the subject when Seaver kept asking me personal questions every five minutes. She seemed more interested in knowing about my childhood in Las Vegas than learning about profiling and victimology.

- "Good morning, kids!"- I turned around and smiled at Morgan, so glad to see him I might have actually felt a little relieved- "What are you doing here so early?"

- "Hey! I was just helping Ashley with her test,"- I stood up and walked from her desk over his- "And about you?"

- "I have a meeting with Strauss in a while, and Sanderson's case didn't let me sleep. It was better to come here and start working than to keep on rolling on my bed. But I'm glad you are here. Wanna help me go through a few extra files?"

- "Of course!"- I left the notes I was holding on the closest desk and walked with Morgan to the conference room.

I considered our session with Seaver finished, mostly ‘cos for the last ten minutes, she had been asking about me. What I liked doing outside the BAU, favorite bands, hobbies, anything. I answered her questions and kept trying to push her to study. I didn't want her to blame me if she failed her test.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan whispered after a few minutes and took a look around, just to make sure no one else was near. I looked at him confused ‘cos he was never that careful to say anything in the office.

- "Is everything ok?"

- "Yes?"- I answered, though it sounded like a question ‘cos I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

- "Are you excited to have Seaver on the team for the next month?"- I shrugged and kept reading the file in my hands- "Come on, Reid. She is clearly sweet to you."

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

- "She has a crush on you, kid."

- "No, she doesn't!"

- "Come on! Are you blind?"- I stared at Morgan, not getting what he was talking about- "Man, Seaver gives you loving eyes even when we are on the field!"

- "She does not!"- I knew I was blushing. I hated those kinds of conversations, and Morgan always made me feel awkward when he hinted I should flirt with a girl or just talk to them.

- "And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything like that ever again."

- "What's the matter, kid? You don't think she is pretty?"

- "I don't look at her that way!"- I buried my head in a file and tried not to notice how he scanned my whole face, looking for micro expressions.

- "I see. Are you afraid (Y/N) might get jealous?"- Morgan chuckled at his words and tapped on my back a few times, making me flinch- "Relax, man. I'm just kidding!"

- "I don't like those jokes, Derek. Really."

Morgan kept his eyes on me a little longer and nodded. I did my best not to show how I really felt, but somehow, I failed miserably.

- "You know, kid, it would be much easier if you just told (Y/N) how you feel about her,"- Derek's voice was soft and even more concerned than I thought he could be. I nearly shook when I heard him, so I failed my mission of remaining stoic.

- "Reid, it's ok. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for her."

- "I don't… like talking about this,"- I whispered and closed the file- "Can we just focus on work, please?"- Derek nodded and stayed quiet for a few seconds. But I knew he wasn't done yet.

- "Reid, listen. I know you are not really fond of sharing how you feel with us, I know you share almost everything that happens in your life with (Y/N), and as your friend, I've always felt glad and relieved to know you have her. But if there's something you can't tell her, and you need to talk to someone, you can count on me. You know that, right?"

I nodded and looked at him. That conversation took me back to the year I was using and had to keep it secret from my friends. I knew I could count on Morgan if anything happened, but I really wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fears with people. (Y/N) made it so easy. Was it ‘cos I loved her? I just always felt I could tell her anything. That had never happened to me before with anyone.

- "Morgan, Strauss was looking for you,"- Rossi walked into the room holding a cup of coffee and stared at us, raising an eyebrow- "Everything ok?"

- "Yes, we were just going through some files,"- Morgan stood up and grabbed the case folder- "I'll be right back."

- "I'll finish reading all these,"- I said and pointed at the box filled with more files. Morgan nodded and walked away.

- "Do you need any help?"- Seaver walked over that second and smiled at me. I stood up and shook my head.

- "Thanks, but I'm basically done. I'll just go make myself another cup of coffee."

- "I'll go with you!"- she smiled and waited for me by the door. Rossi looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I just cut him a straight smile and walked to the kitchenette, followed closely by Ashley.

(Y/N) walked into the bullpen that minute. I watched her as she opened the glass door and took out her jacket. It felt like the time passed in slow motion as she walked. I couldn't help it, I just smiled as soon as our eyes crushed, and for a few seconds, life was perfect. Just to know she was there, smiling at me made everything worth living.

See why I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling? They would make fun of me. Morgan would never understand the agony and the dimension of my love for her. He would just tease me. I wonder if he had ever actually been in love 'till that point in life.

I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me ‘cos I was sure they would make fun of me, and that was the last thing I needed at that moment. So I did what I knew best: I locked it all inside and waited for it to burn me alive.

- "Good morning, chipmunk!"- I stood by (Y/N)'s side and smiled as she left her things on her desk and turned to me. She just looked into my eyes, and my brain turned into mush.

- "Good morning, honey bunny. Did you sleep well? You look tired."

- "Yeah, I just got up extra early today to help Seaver, and now I was helping Derek with some files."

- "Do you need a hand?"

- "Sure!"- I didn't even analyze my answer. I just spit the words, thinking it would be amazing to spend some time with my friend, working together.

- "Hi (Y/N), how are you?"- that until her face changed completely when Seaver waved at her- "Spencer, do you want me to make your coffee?"- I froze and turned to her in silence.

- "No, thank you. I'll… just… wait a little before having another one. I just had my third cup."

- "Three cups in already"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes and turned to her desk, giving me her back- "How long have you been awake?"

- "Not as long as Morgan, I tell you that,"- I pointed at him, walking out of Strauss's office and heading back to our conference room.

- "Let's help him, then."

(Y/N) walked quickly, and I followed closely. I wished I hadn't said no to that coffee. I really needed one to go through that morning.

During that morning, Derek questioned Sanderson again and finally took him and Rossi back to his house, trying to trigger any memory that might help us crack the case. Meanwhile, the rest of the team and I stayed back in the office, repeatedly going through the case files. So far, all we knew is that a team had attacked Sanderon's home and framed him for the murder of his wife and daughter.

The whole day, I focused on work ‘cos it's my favorite escape, and clearly, there was something more important to think of than whatever was going on with my life. But my head was killing me. The migraines were starting to get more intense, and I think they got worse the more thinking I gave to my relationship with (Y/N).

- "It sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer"- Ashle's voice surprised me when I was pouring myself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchenette.

- "A very lucky one. He was essentially given a gift, a patsy in the form of Don Sanderson, and he'll do anything to protect that story."- I answered, thinking I didn't want to be in Sanderon's shoes, trying to clear my name of something I hadn't done.

- "When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie."

Somehow, Seaver's words hit me. I'm sure she didn't mean to strike a nerve, but she did. I had been in love with my best friend for too long, and now it was starting to affect my life. I didn't want it to get in the way of work, and we were at work most of our time together. But there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep on faking everything was normal.

- "He'll most likely be pathological,"- I nearly choked at my own words as I tried to shake away the thoughts from my head.

- "So, we're looking for a liar in D. C. I thought we were trying to narrow this down."- Ashley tried to joke and waited for my reaction but didn't get anything. Instead, I just cut her a straight smile and walked away.

By the end of the night, Morgan had gotten the unsub. But I was still a mess. It had been the longest day in weeks, not just ‘cos I had barely slept the night before, but because I was overthinking everything that happened around me. It was exhausting.

- "Are you coming, Batsy?"- (Y/N) asked me and grabbed her bag after putting on her coat. I stood from my desk and nodded.

- "Yes, ma chère."

- "Where are you guys going tonight?"- Derek asked and smiled at us- "No. Don't tell me, planning this year's matching Comic-Con costumes"- I chuckled and probably blushed, busted.

- "We already settled those, Derek. We are way ahead of schedule this year,"- (Y/N) answered and stuck out her tongue to him.

- "(Y/N), can you give me a second before you go?"- Prentiss stood up and smiled at my friend, who just nodded and walked with her to the conference room. Derek and Seaver looked at me.

- "What?"

- "Do you know what's that about?"- Morgan questioned me.

- "I have no idea."

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Please don't freak out,"- Emily smiled and turned to me after she closed the door behind her back- I just needed to clear the air a little bit between us.

- "What? Why? Is there something wrong?"

- "I don't know, I just feel you have been acting weird lately, and I needed to know if it has something to do with me supervising Seaver."

I nearly gasped. Not ‘cos I felt insulted but ‘cos I felt caught. I knew I hadn't been subtle about my feelings for Seaver. I just didn't want them to get in the middle of work.

- "I haven't been weird with you, Emily, and I don't think I've been acting strange."

- "Come on, you don't like Ashley, and I offered to supervise her while she works with us."

- "Yes, but neither of those has anything to do with me and you. We are friends, Emily."

- "I know, and I wanna honor that friendship, (Y/N). I love working with you. I just want you to know I'm not… I just… I'm trying to help Seaver start her career."

- "I understand that. We are ok,"- I tried to reassure her, but I knew she could read between my bullshit.

- "Do you think you could try to be a little bit nicer with her?"

- "Nicer?"

- "Yes, (Y/N). She is making an effort to get along with the team, and you've been giving her the cold shoulder since day one." -I crossed my arms on my chest, obviously annoyed and defensive.

- "I have been friendly with her, Emily. I just don't like her, and you can't force me to be her friend."

In my defense, in my mind, that argument didn't sound as childish as it did when I said it out loud.

- "Don't be selfish! Just because you are jealous, you can't deprive her of the opportunity of a lifetime with this team."

Emily's words were knives against my ego and nearly destroyed my facade. I stared into her eyes and wondered how to get out of that situation without hurting my friend. I could pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but we both knew that was bullshit. I could actually try to tell her how I felt, but it was so humiliating I refused to open up. So instead, I just nodded and smiled at her.

- "I'm sorry that's how you see me. I'll try to be a better version of myself tomorrow,"- and needless to say, I turned around and left.

- "(Y/N), please wait,"- but I didn't stop walking. I refused to continue talking about Seaver with anyone. I refused to deal with feelings or the real world.

- "Everything ok?"- Spencer asked me the second he saw me appear by his side.

- "Yes,"

- "You are blushing. Did you and Prentiss argue?"

- "No, honey. We didn't argue. She just wanted to check on me ‘cos she was worried I was mad at her. But that's all."- Spencer just nodded and looked at me in silence.- "Why don't we just go home and forget about today, honey?"

Easier said than done.

So Seaver was getting under my skin. And it was getting harder to control. That week was hell, and I didn't want to show it. Eventually, I talked with Emily again, and I tried to explain to her I wasn't being mean with Seaver. I just didn't like her. And though I gave Emily my word to be friendlier with Ashley, the circumstances weren't really helping.

Things didn't get any better than Friday night. No, if anything, that was the night that made it all worse. Prentiss, JJ, and I got together at Garcia's house and had a few drinks before leaving for Anderson's birthday. I was making my biggest effort to have fun and ease my mind. Spencer said he wasn't sure he'd make it ‘cos he was tired, and automatically I almost turned out the whole deal, but Penelope literally dragged me to her house and put a beer in my hand.

- "You, my young lady, are going to put some makeup on, a hot dress, and we are going to party!"

- "But PG, I'm not…"- but she didn't let me out of it. Instead, she shushed me and raised an eyebrow, looking pretty convincing.

- "No "but." You are going. End of the conversation."

So she dragged me to the bar, along with Prentiss and JJ, who had left Will with little Henry to join us for what was promised to be one epic girl's night.

Anderson was so happy to see us. He was a sweetheart who was always willing to help us. I knew technically he didn't work at the BAU, but he was always there whenever we needed him. We all felt he was part of the team.

- "Sonny!!"- I yelled and hugged him tight

- "I'm so glad you girls made it!!"- and his smile was priceless- "JJ!!"- he actually yelled when he saw her and ran to give her a triple bear hug.

- "Grant Anderson!! I can't believe it's really you!!"

- "I've missed you so much!! How's Henry?"

- "So big!! I feel I haven't been out with friends in so long!"- JJ looked around, and her face kept lighting up as she recognized more friends and acquaintances from Quantico. I looked around and recognized Morgan already flirting with a woman at the other side of the bar.

- "Looks like chocolate thunder knows how to keep himself busy,"- I joked, and Garcia turned immediately.

- "Have you ever seen him shirtless?"- she asked in a lower voice and leaned a little closer to me, just to make sure no one would listen- "I'm sure it's illegal looking so good in real life."

I laughed and turned to see Prentiss walk to the bar to get us the first round of drinks. Ok, I'll admit it, I was having a great time. I know I didn't want to go at first, but spending time with my work friends and not just with Spencer was refreshing. Not that I didn't do fun things with the rest of the team, but my relationship with Spencer, I mean the friendship that pretty much looked like a relationship, consumed most of my time. But I just loved being with Reid more than anything.

But one night without him wasn't going to be the end of the world. Right?

Right.

Anderson and I danced and laughed. It was all very innocent. And though I've never considered myself a hot chick or whatever, a few guys asked if they could get me drinks, and I kindly declined. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand or anything. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

- "And where's Reid?"- Anderson asked as we reached our table, where Prentiss and JJ were catching up and laughing.

- "Home, he said he was tired."

- "And? When are you two going to come clean about your relationship? You know, having the confirmation of your romance would be the best birthday present you could ever give me."

- "Grant Anderson, you nosy bastard!!"- I hit his arm and heard his laughter- "You know we are not dating!"

- "Come on!! I mean it! You have to get together! You are like the FBI sweethearts!!"

- "Shut your face!"- Anderson laughed even harder and took a look around the bar

- "So, if you are not dating Spencer, I have a friend who asked about you."

- "Who? What friend? Is he here?"- Garcia shouted question after question as she had overheard the whole conversation and even moved closer.

- "His name is James. He saw you on the news a few months ago, at a press conference with Rossi, and has been asking about you ever since."

I frowned and looked at Garcia, who was wide-eyed staring at Anderson. I had no idea what was going on. It was bizarre.

- "No, thank you?"- I whispered, not even sure of what I should answer at that- "I'm very flattered, Grant, but… I'm really not looking for someone right now."

- "You are not?"- Garcia asked me, and I just shook my head.

- "No, I have too much going on in my life, with work and… well… what we do…"

- "Really?"- Anderson sounded a little disappointed- "Well, in case you change your mind, James is…"

- "(Y/N)? Can I talk to you for a second?"- Garcia grabbed my arm and crawled me to a side of the bar.

- "What? What is it?"

- "Munchkin, you know I love you."

- "Yes, I love you too, PG."

- "That's why I feel like I need to be honest with you, ‘cos you've always been so sweet, and we've known each other for years now, and I feel like if I don't tell you this, you are never going to forgive me."- Penelope was nearly hyperventilating as she spoke.

- "Ok, what is it? You are scaring me."

- "You have to tell Reid how you feel."

- "What?"

- "He has to know! You have to tell him!"

- "I don't wanna talk about what, Penelope"- I tried to walk away from her, but she stopped me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

- "No, (Y/N). He loves you, I'm not a profiler, I don't even play one on tv, but I am sure what I see in his eyes when he looks at you is love… ‘cos it's the same you have when you look at him!"

- "Son of a bitch!!"- the words escaped my lips as my heart nearly left my chest.

- "No, (Y/N)!"- but Garcia lost my attention that second, ‘cos all I could see was Spencer Walter Reid walking into the bar and Ashley Seaver hanging from his arm.

- "What do you want me to tell him, Garcia? To have fun with his new girlfriend?"- I pointed at the door, and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

- "Ok, no. There has to be a reasonable explanation for that!"

- "Yes, but Spencer being in love with me is not the explanation. I'm gonna get a drink."

Spencer's point of view

I was surprised to get Ashley's phone call that night. When my phone rang, I was ready to go to bed. My head was killing me. I had already scheduled an appointment with the doctor for some exams. I was starting to have a bad feeling about what those headaches really were, and I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. Not even (Y/N).

Actually, of all people, she was the one I wanted to keep in the dark. Why? ‘Cos ever since we met she had taken care of me, I didn't think it was fair. She had taken me into her life and given me a place in it. And sometimes, I felt I was a burden. She helped me overcome all of my traumas and even my drug addiction. She introduced me to her best friends and made me part of her life. (Y/N) had taken trips with me to Las Vegas just to see my mom, ‘cos she knew it was hard for me to do it on my own. If it hadn't been for her, I would have probably spent over a year without visiting her. Now, we took a weekend to see mom every few months.

Why would I trouble her with some headaches? It wasn't fair.

When Ashley called, for a moment, I thought it might be (Y/N), asking me to pick her up. But no. It wasn't her that time.

- "Hey Spence, I'm sorry to bother you, but… are you at Anderson's party?"

- "No, actually, I'm in my house."

- "Why? I thought you were invited too."

- "Yeah, I know, and I was, but I'm kind of tired, and I wanted to come home and get some rest. Why? Are you at the party?"

- "No, but I was getting ready to go. But now I feel kind of awkward asking you."

- "What? What is it?"

- "I just… wanted to know if you could come with me. I'm so sorry, Spence, I didn't know you were tired. I just… I wanted to go to the party, but I feel kind of silly going alone. I wanted to ask Prentiss, but she left with (Y/N) and Garcia, and I felt so awkward asking…"

I wanted to groan, roll in my bed and hide under my pillow. But Ashley was the new girl, and she deserved to have some fun.

- "Don't worry, I'll take you there,"- I know I whispered my answer ‘cos I didn't really want to do it, but somehow I felt it was my duty.

- "Really?!"- and by the excitement in Ashley's voice, it was clear that was what she wanted to hear.

- "I'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

- "Thank you so much, Spence!!"

But when I walked into the bar, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt it in my guts. The same intuition I never followed in my personal life, only on the field.

I quickly looked around as Ashley held on to my arm tightly and walked into the bar with a big smile. I soon found Prentiss and JJ talking at a table filled with empty glasses, and my heart jumped inside my chest at the warm, familiar feeling that my friends gave me. I missed JJ very much. And not just as a team member but as a friend who had been taken away from us. (Y/N) always said I didn't know how to deal with change, neither did she, and the shifts in the team always affected me.

Soon I saw Morgan too, talking with Anderson and some other agents. Garcia had to be close then, but I couldn't see her or (Y/N) anywhere around.

- "Come on! Let's get a drink!"- Ashley said and crawled me to the bar.

- "I don't drink and drive"- I said, and she pouted.

- "Come on! You are no fun! Just one!"

- "No, just water. Thanks,"- I turned and scanned the place. Everybody was there, and they seemed to be having fun. Penelope waved and walked to me suddenly. She cut me a short smile and grabbed my arm.

- "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"

- "I didn't want to come, but Ashley insisted and…"

- "Hi!"- Ashley appeared by our side and handed me a bottle of water- "I'm so excited to be here! We really needed to decompress after everything that happened this week, right Garcia?"

Penelope stared at us, trying to formulate an answer. I could see her making her bet to say something, but she just didn't. Instead, she just turned around and walked away.

- "Is she ok?"- I didn't know how to answer that, ‘cos Penelope's reaction surprised me. Ashley just looked around and grabbed my arm again.

- "Come on, Spencer! Let's dance!"

- "No, I don't… dance, sorry."

Lucky for me, Prentiss showed up and invited us to sit with her at her table. I don't know if she noticed I was uncomfortable, but I was glad to see her. Being in that bar made me feel pretty awkward and exposed.

I had never been much of a party person. I wasn't used to bars and gatherings until I joined the BAU. When I first met Derek, he tried to take me out a few times and be my wingman. It's obvious he failed at that mission. Meeting people at a bar is the most complicated equation I could ever try to solve. It doesn't work for me, no matter how hard Derek pushed me to do it. He said I had to rely on what made me feel comfortable. But no. It wasn't that I couldn't meet people. It was that I didn't want to meet anyone once I met the woman of my dreams. Even when I knew she could never be mine.

When (Y/N) came along, she started hosting these fun "dinner parties" with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, which changed everything. It was the first time I was hanging out with people my age doing things I actually liked doing. It wasn't about drinking or picking girls in a bar. It was about playing Jenga, or charades, eating pizza, and talking about movies and sometimes even books.

(Y/N) said her friends considered me part of the gang, which was all I ever wanted to hear. That I belonged. It's kind of sad when you think about it, but I don't care. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere, and they made me feel like I was one of them. They took me to their rock shows, and I jumped along with the crowd, knowing I wasn't an outcast there. I was with my friends.

You don't know how good that made me feel. And for years, they were my social comfort and cocoon. Then, when Rossi joined the BAU again, he started hosting fancy dinner parties at his house, and I got to hang out with the whole team without being at a bar, pushed to meet people. And it was so good. (Y/N) always said Rossi's arrival had a cohesive effect on us. Not because he brought us together, but the circumstances of his arrival and everything that happened that first year.

This team is no stranger to trauma, and that's a fact. I think Rossi's dinner parties gave us a space to be ourselves, relax, have a few drinks and enjoy our time together. I think that's when we stepped from being friends to be family.

And I hadn't had one before.

I hugged JJ tight as soon as I saw her smiling at me. I hadn't seen her ever since her goodbye party, over two months before, but we had talked on the phone a few times.

- "I've missed you so much, Spence!!"- she said and held my face with both hands- "You and (Y/N) owe me two babysit nights,"- and I laughed, thinking we promised we'd take care of Henry so she and Will could have a date, but we were called for a case.

- "Wait! It was one night!"- I argued, chuckling- "Why is it two nights now?"

- "‘Cos I lost a very exclusive reservation due to the two of you."

- "Technically, it wasn't our fault, we were called in for a case..."

I smiled and sat next to JJ, and Prentiss sat next to me. Ashley stood by the table and smiled at JJ. Right, they didn't even know each other.

- "It's very nice to meet you, Agent Jareau. The team talks very highly of you,"- she shook JJ's hand and smiled.

- "Ashley, right? Prentiss was just telling me you will be taking your remedial training at the BAU. Congratulations, it's a fantastic team to work with."

- "Thank you,"- I took a look around, still trying to find my best friend around. But it seemed useless, and I was starting to feel worried.

- "Where's (Y/N)?"- I had to ask.

- "She was with Anderson a minute ago,"- Penelope said and looked around- "I am going to look for her and bring her here in a second. I'll be right back."

And so, she was gone.

Prentiss and I pretty much interrogated JJ about her new job and the new team she worked with at the pentagon. I sipped my water and half-listened her answer, ‘cos most of my head was trying to register what was going on around me. No, actually, I was trying to find (Y/N). Penelope had been gone for half an hour looking for her, and I was starting to think something weird was going on. Besides, my head was killing me, and all I wanted was to go home. But I hadn't seen JJ in weeks, and I couldn't waste a chance like that.

Ashley talked with Prentiss too, and every once in a while, she tried to engage in conversation with me. But to be honest, I couldn't really concentrate on anything. I just wanted to know (Y/N) was alright.

- "Excuse me,"- I stood up slowly and looked at my friends- "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

- "Can you get us another round on our way back?"- Prentiss asked and smiled guiltily.

- "Sure."

- "Do you need help?"- Ashley tried to stand up, but Emily stopped her.

- "He got it, don't worry."

So I was left on my own. I walked around the bar. In my mind, I kept telling myself I was "looking for the bathroom," but I knew very well I was indeed trying to find (Y/N). I had been in that bar for an hour, and I still hadn't seen her. I was worried.

I walked around the bar and found Anderson. He seemed to be a little shocked to see me there but smiled and hugged me. It was weird hugging people, still. But Anderson was part of the team. It always felt like it. We had known each other for years, and somehow it was like he was in the background of our daily basics.

- "Have you seen (Y/N)?"- I asked him, and he widened his eyes- "What?"

- "Yeah, she's right there, actually… "- Grant Anderson pointed and turned around- "Later, Reid."

- "Bye"- I didn't even look at him. I just turned and looked around to see (Y/N).

But my best friend didn't notice me. She was too busy kissing some guy.

I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. Her eyes were closed, and her arms were around his neck, so clearly, she wasn't in distress, and no matter how badly I wanted to take her from him, I just couldn't.

For a minute, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood there and stared at (Y/N), trying to understand what was going on. I always knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had never gotten such a brutal reminder. Not even when she was dating Paul. Watching her kissing someone else was shocking. The way that man put his hands on her waist and held her close to him, just like I always dreamt of doing, was painful.

Painful. That was the only word I can explain how it felt.

I stood there for a minute or so. I really don't know how long it was, but it felt long enough to burn in my memory everything I needed to torture myself with for the rest of my life. I stepped back after a minute. It might have been longer; I really can't recall. And all I managed to do was to walk out of the bar and reach my car.

I opened the door and slammed it as I sat behind the wheel. I wanted to cry and yell. But I didn't do either of those. Instead, I stayed still, staring at the nothing in front of me, trying to erase that fresh memory from my head. But it was impossible. (Y/N) was making out with some guy inside that bar, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. So I did the only thing I could do at that minute. I started the car and got the fuck out of there.

–

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 23th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #Criminal Minds #Matthew Gray Gubler #Babymetaldoll writes #spencer reid x reader #Spencer Reid fanfiction #hurt #angst #fluff #fools in love #criminal minds re write #criminal minds fanfic #derek morgan #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #david rossi #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfictions #diwk

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yutahoes · 3 years

Text

You are Pretty

I feel bad for not posting any scenarios the past few days. First, because the internet is shitty. Second, I can't sit down in front of my laptop. Third, I've been feeling a little under the weather. I know, reasons.

But here's a little scenario to make up for the lack of updates. ☺️ Please enjoy.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

"To the world, we are NCT 127." The guys greeted their signature greeting before bowing down that made the women in front of them clap. The nine boys started introducing themselves one by one to fully get acquainted with the people they will be working with today. "We're at your service today." Taeyong said rather charmingly that made the head teacher giggle.

For a TV show, the NCT 127 members are asked to aid in a local day care center. It is 5am, too early for filming but they needed to do this for the fans. The teachers introduced themselves one by one, even telling the boys that there are two groups of class, Taio and Pororo.

Earlier, they had chosen their classes. Yuta was adamant in staying with Pororo class since they're the older group of kids and they're easier to play with. They were given certain instructions by the teachers handling the classes when the door opened that took everyone's attention. A gasp can be heard and the members' eyes were on the Japanese man who created the said sound.

"I'm sorry, saem." A younger girl, probably their age, kept on bowing as she removed her jacket and placed it to the side. "I'm really sorry I'm late."

The older woman shook her head, asking the younger to sit beside her. "This is teacher Y/N. She's a new teacher here in class Taio." Yuta hissed and the members looked at him, giggling. He's so transparent. "They are NCT 127." She bowed at them, smiling.

"Jungwoo, exchange with me." Yuta pleaded that made the younger shake his head. "My love life depends on you." Haechan chuckled. "I'll buy you beef."

"For a month?" Jungwoo said and Johnny giggled.

"A week." The younger glared and Yuta rubbed his palms together. Jungwoo nodded. He just needed to put on his charm and make the girl look at him.

But it was a hard task, given that he had to take care of the students and they're in front of the cameras at that. Slowly, the kids are entering the class which makes him nervous. They looked so wary of them, since they're strangers but it was her who made the kids comfortable with the cameras and the new teachers.

Yuta, Taeyong, Mark, Haechan, and Doyoung played with the toddlers in the class, giving extra attention since they're younger. The Japanese member of NCT was playing with two boys when one boy accidentally hit Yuta on the face. "Teacher Y/N…" one girl called, "Siwoo punched Yuta saem."

The said kid cried and Yuta panicked. Y/N knelt in front of the kid, holding his shoulder. "I didn't punch saem." Siwoo kept on crying then hugged Y/N. Yuta smiled. That's so cute.

"I know, Siwoo. But let's be careful when playing next time, hmm?" Her voice is really pretty. "Did you say sorry to Yuta saem?" He shook his head then cried some more.

Y/N wiped his tears with her thumbs and Siwoo faced him. "I'm sorry, saem. Are you hurt?"

Yuta shook his head. "It was an accident. I'm fine."

"Can I join the story time later?" Siwoo asked and Y/N looked surprised at that. "I like your storytime, Y/N saem."

She smiled that made Yuta gasp. God, she's so pretty that he can feel his heart stopping in his chest. "Of course, Siwoo." There's a slight strain on her voice. Is she going to cry? "Everyone is welcomed during storytime."

"Can I also join storytime, saem?" The girl turned to him, nodding. Wow, she is really pretty. The cameraman behind them lightly coughed, some staff giggling while watching them.

It amazes him how the fourteen students ranging from four to five year olds were behaved and seated on the mat cross legged and facing Y/N who was seated in front with a story book at hand. They were all so energetic earlier but now they're seated cross-legged like little angels.

He was also amazed at how she captured all their attention with her animated voice that even the grown ups were fully focused on her. She even asked the guest teachers and some kids to engage them in the story telling. Now, he understood why Siwoo seemed to like storytimes with her. She really has a soothing voice. Even her small giggles are so infectious that it makes him smile. She's so… "...Yuta saem?"

"Pretty." Yuta exclaimed. "You are pretty." Oh shit.

He saw the surprise in her expression then heard his co-members giggling. "Did the wolf like Little Red Riding Hood?" One student asked. "Maybe he also wanted her red hood?" Another student said. What has he done?

The storyteller nodded then exclaimed in awe. "It must be, the wolf might like her hood. Do you think the hood would look good on the wolf?" She asked. "Do you think the wolf needed a hood?" The kids shook their heads. "Then what does the wolf need?"

"Food." The kids exclaimed and she gasped while asking, "Where can the wolf get the food, Haechan saem?" God, this is embarrassing.

It was afternoon when the kids already left and Yuta had felt the tiredness already. This is one gruesome experience and he felt a deep appreciation for daycare teachers. The level of their patience is no joke, even their energy. It must be nice to date one.

Unconsciously, his gaze fell on her who was talking to Doyoung while folding the little aprons that the kids used for their class earlier. Once done and the cameras are off, the head teacher asked the guys for some snacks as a thank you for helping them. "Y/N, can you order some bread in the bakery down the street?" She nodded, standing up and letting Doyoung do all the folding.

"Yuta, you should come with her." Taeyong said and Mark smiled, he hissed but stood up.

The walk is rather short that they have already reached the bakery before he can muster up the courage to talk to her. It was awkward. He wanted to apologize for ruining the storytelling session, for not helping her enough. "Yuta saem." she called that snapped him from his thoughts. "Is custard bread alright with you?" He nodded. "I mean, it's too much sugar. Are you watching your weight or you can eat whatever you want?"

He laughed at that. She's talkative. "It's fine. The younger members like custard bread." She looked relieved at that and then took a turtle shaped bread while smiling widely. "This is cute."

She nodded. "And it tastes really good as well." He returned one custard bread and took one turtle shaped bun. The girl only stared and Yuta was gentleman enough to carry the variety of breads to the cashier. To her surprise, he raced her by paying with his own card. "The teachers will scold me."

"Don't worry about it." He thanked the cashier and then took the two bags of bread that startled her. "Can you please open the door for me?" She pushed the door and he thanked her.

"I feel bad. Do you need help carrying those?" Yuta shook his head. "I'm sorry. You might be tired and…"

"It's fine, Y/N." he said with a smile. "I should be the one apologizing." She stared at him in confusion. "I ruined story time."

Y/N shook her head. "I understand that story time might be really boring…"

"No, it's not." Wait, does she really think that he's not paying attention because she's boring? "You're just distracting." She stopped walking, staring at him in surprise. "You're really pretty and so good with kids."

She gasped and he thought that she looked so cute. "Thank you." A blush crept on her cheeks that made her cuter in his eyes.

"Do you want to have coffee with me sometime?"

"Will that be alright?" Yuta smiled. She didn't say no.

"It's just coffee," he assured.

"Just coffee," she repeated.

When Y/N opened the door to the classroom, there was an eruption of laughter coming from the teachers, the boys, and the staff. Yuta put the bags of bread on top of the table as they took a snack one by one. He snatched the turtle shaped bun from Jungwoo, handing one to Y/N that made her smile. Everyone had a knowing smile on their lips when Johnny said, "Oh, that's why."

Y/N had a confused expression and Yuta glared. "Red Riding Hood really is pretty." Jaehyun claimed, Doyoung and Haechan snickered.

"Did you at least get her number?" Taeil asked.

The female staff members were giggling, the teachers were looking at Y/N. "No." he said as a matter of fact. Whines of disappointment can be heard that made him chuckle. "But we're going out for coffee."

"It's just coffee." She shrugged.

"Yeah," Yuta mumbled. "Just coffee."

#nakamoto yuta scenario #yuta nakamoto #yuta fluff #yuta #yuta nakamoto fluff #nakamoto yuta fluff #nct fluff #yuta scenario

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study-coffee-chicago · 3 years

Text

Small (A Halstead brothers + Halstead sister imagine)

Grab your snacks because this is a long one.

Warning: graphic depictions of violence.

Being short and able to fit into small spaces had its perks...but you didn't think it would come in handy in such a dire situation as this. Your mind wandered back to who knows how many hours ago, reminding you of how you got in the situation and what the current situation entailed. Needless to say, you were currently in hell.

***

"Sev? What are you doing here?" you asked as you opened the front door to reveal Kelly Severide holding a six-pack of beer.

"Heard your brother just worked a really tough case. He here?" Kelly asked.

"He's in the shower. Voight gave him the day off after the case yesterday. But, c'mon in."

You stepped out of the way and allowed Kelly to enter, and closed the door. You went back over to the kitchen where you were pouring yourself a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee. After all, it was only nine in the morning.

"Want anything?" you asked Kelly.

"I'm good, thanks. But if you could put these in the fridge that'd be great."

"Only if I can have one," you joked, grabbing the beer and putting it on a shelf in the fridge.

"If your brother wasn't here, I probably would let you."

"Kelly?" Jay asked walking out of the bathroom in a pair of jeans, still without a shirt on as it was in his hand.

"My eyes!" you yelled, quickly covering them with your hand.

"Do you ever leave the bathroom with a shirt on? Or do you just put it on once you're out?" Kelly laughed.

"It's my house. I can do what I want."

"Well, put the damn shirt on. You're scarring the poor kid."

"Fine, fine, okay." He slipped the shirt over his head. "You're good now."

You uncovered your eyes and took a sip of your coffee. You were about to swallow when Jay decided it wasn't too early to mess with you. "Not like she hasn't seen dudes shirtless before. She really wants to see that one kid from her political science class shirtless."

"Excuse you?" you exclaimed after you had spit your coffee back into your mug, causing Kelly to look at you with a disgusted look on his face. "I do not!"

"You're not exactly quiet when you talk on the phone with Emma, Y/N," Jay smirked.

"You see this, Kelly? This is the shit I have to put up with every day."

Kelly decided to smack Jay upside the head. "Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"Be nice to your sister!" Kelly laughed. "Or else I'll tell her that I caught you and Hailey making out in your truck on my way out of Molly's the other night!"

"I knew it! I knew you guys were in love with each other! Kelly, I need you to put that statement in writing because Will now owes me fifty bucks."

"Wait, you guys made bets on my love life?" Jay asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"So, he is in love with her!" Kelly yelled, giving you a high five.

"Okay, enough about me," Jay started, effectively putting an end to that conversation. "What are you even doing here?" he asked, turning to Kelly.

"I heard about your case last night and I figured you could use some company. I brought beer."

"Great. Once I finish my coffee, we can break into that. You catch the Bears game the other day?"

And, now that they were talking about the glorified game of catch that was football, you took that as your cue to leave.

***

A reminder popped up on your phone at 11 am sharp. Tell Jay that low oil light came on in car it read.

You walked out into the living room only to hear Kelly say, "I'm tellin' you man, girls love that shit."

You assumed that shit was some sex thing...so you didn't want to know in the slightest. You cleared your throat, and Jay turned to you with wide-eyes.

"Uh, Y/N, how much of that did you happen to hear?"

"All I heard was him saying girls love that shit. Thank God I didn't hear more. But, my low oil light came on, so can change it?"

"The light or the oil?" Jay asked, taking another sip of his beer.

You squinted your eyes at him. "The oil. I'm stupid when it comes to cars, but I'm not that stupid."

"I'll do it in an hour."

"I have a class at three."

Jay groaned. "Seriously? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Because it just came on yesterday?" Jay raised an eyebrow. "Okay, fine it came on three days ago. But in my defense, you haven't been home during the day and it's hard to change the oil in the dark."

"I can do it in the dark," Kelly pointed out.

"I can do it in the dark," Jay mocked. "Of course you can, because you're a firefighter. I don't suppose you know how to fire a sniper do you?"

"Dude, I'm a firefighter, not a cop!"

"Listen, I don't care who changes it faster or who can do it in the dark. Jay, just please change my oil."

"Uh, fine," Jay groaned, standing up from the couch.

"No, I can do it," Kelly offered.

"You sure?" Jay asked.

"As long as you buy me lunch."

"I knew there was a catch. But, sure. Me and Y/N will go pick up lunch and we'll bring some to Will too and we'll be back before she has to leave for her class at three." He turned to you. "Sound good?"

"When have I ever passed up the opportunity for free food?"

"Never?" Jay guessed.

"Exactly," you answered, grabbing your car keys off the hook and tossing them to Kelly.

If you knew what was about to happen, you would have definitely stayed home.

***

"So, care to elaborate on you and Hailey?" you asked Jay as you were on your way to Chicago Med to drop off some food from Mama Garcia's to Will.

"If you give me that fifty bucks Will's gonna pay you, then I might just enlighten you."

"Nah, I'll just have Kelly tell me everything he knows instead. Or I can ask Ruzek--"

You were cut off by the sound of sirens behind you. "What the hell? I wasn't even speeding," Jay muttered.

"For once in your life," you shot back.

"Shut it."

Jay rolled the truck to a stop and you shot a look behind you. No one had gotten out of the car yet.

"They're probably just running my plates," Jay answered, seeing as you looked confused. "Some cops are weird and run 'em before they get out of the car. I made the mistake of doing that once when I was a rookie and the suspect fled."

"Oooh, did you get in trouble? I hope you got yelled at!"

Jay looked behind him at the cops who stepped out of the car. At first, he thought they might have been plain-clothed officers, but why would plain-clothed officers be driving a squad car? Then, he looked closer and it was as if he was transported back to four years ago.

"Y/N--"

"I was kidding, I don't care if you got yelled at or--"

"Y/N!" Jay yelled. "I need you to get down now, and call 911. Tell them my name and tell them to ping your phone."

"Jay, what's going on?" You slid off your seat and curled up into a ball on the floor, pulling out your phone.

"Just do it, dammit!"

Jay reached for his gun that he kept hidden in the glove compartment as your fingers flew across your phone.

You heard the tell-tale sound of a window being broken and looked up the see Jay covering his face, gun still in hand. Jay tried to push open the door, but before he could, the door was ripped open and he was dragged out of the car. "Detective Halstead. So, we meet again," you heard a deep voice say.

"Hello, 911 what's your emergency?"

"Detective Jay Halstead, intelligence. Ping this phone," was all you could manage to get out.

"You hear that?" another voice asked. "Sounded like a girl and it came from his truck."

"I'm alone!" Jay yelled. "I just came to pick up some food is all!" he protested. In a normal situation, he would've tried to fight back. But, this wasn't a normal situation. He needed them to take him wherever it was they wanted him and he needed them to do it fast so that they didn't find you.

"I don't know about that, Detective. Where's the fire from the last time I saw you? You never go down without a fight. Are you protecting someone, is that it?" He paused and nodded to his associate. "Check his car."

"You son of a-- Ahhhhh!" Jay writhed as a taser struck his stomach.

"Jay!" You jumped up at the sound of your brother's cries of pain. He never showed weakness, so this was bad.

"Take her!" the man who was holding Jay yelled.

You jumped out of the car and started running, but they were too fast and caught up to you within five steps.

"Let me go! Let me go!" you yelled as you struggled and kicked your legs out as you were picked up off the ground.

You saw Jay trying to fight his captor as well, but it was no use because as soon as he got tased again and showed weakness for a second time, they tied his hands behind his back. "Y/N, stop fighting," Jay gritted out. "It'll-- only get-- worse."

"Let go of me you fucking asshole!" you yelled, swinging your arms, hoping that you got him in the nose.

"Derek, I think this bitch needs a little lesson in obedience," the one who was holding you said.

"I'll do that in a second." He pulled out a syringe.

"Don't!" you yelled as you watched what he was doing. But it was too late, the syringe full of sedatives had already been plunged into your older brother's shoulder, ending all your hopes of escape.

"Now for you," he walked over, twirling a knife in his hands. He handed it to his associate, who held it against your throat.

"You scream or move, you die."

***

Jay woke up to a pain in his shoulder. All he could think was Not again. Not fucking Derek Keyes again.

But then, he heard your screams of pain coming from the other room and that immediately snapped him out of his groggy state. He had to get out of here. He could be tortured like an animal, after all, he'd already been through it once, but there was no way in hell he was going to sit back and allow it to happen to you.

He tugged on the ropes securing him to the pipe and tried to jam his shoulder into it to make it loose. It moved slightly and he knew that if he had time, he could get out of it.

You would no longer laugh at the story of Jay going through taser certification or laugh at how much he bitched about having to be recertified each year. Because God, taking a taser to the stomach hurt like hell. And, what made it even worse was that you were chained to the ceiling, so because of your short stature, you couldn't even put a toe on the ground. So now, when you were tased or hit, despite trying to double over, you would just swing back and forth, like a tormented and tortured rag doll.

"J-Jay!" you yelled as you were tased in the stomach and swung back once more.

"He won't put himself through this again, sweetheart. After all, he knows what's it's like. He'll just let you take one for the team this time."

"Liar," you gasped out.

"I have a better idea. How about we play a little game, just you and me." He fiddled with your bra strap that was falling down your left shoulder. They had ripped your shirt off before they had begun tasing you. You were just thankful they had let you keep your jeans on. "Don't you want to know what the game is?"

"No--" you were cut off by being tased in the shoulder, causing you to scream out.

"Not the answer I was looking for. Let's try this again, shall we? Do you want to know what the game is?"

"Y-Yes."

"See now that wasn't so hard." Keyes put his hands on your shoulders to stop you from swinging. "The game is simple. I give you a choice between two clothing items. You choose the one you want to take off and then...well, you'll see what happens from there. Now, here's your choice: bra or jeans?"

"Wh-what?" you stuttered.

"Did I stutter, bitch? Make your decision, bra or jeans?"

"Jeans," you gasped. At least you had underwear underneath. And, if he took off your bra and tased you there, well, you did not want to know how that felt.

He pulled out a knife and you instinctively tried to sway back away from him. Keyes chuckled. "Don't worry. This won't come near your face...yet."

Then, you heard the ripping of denim as your jeans were quite literally cut off of your body.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of the game," Keyes smirked. "Wherever I take clothes of off, you take a taser hit to." Without even giving you time to process what he had said, he stuck the taser into your left leg, causing a burning and writhing sensation to go up your entire body.

"Mercy! Mercy!" you yelled out. Honestly, at this point, you wished you would just pass out.

"One last choice," Keyes started, twirling the knife between his fingers. "I can continue having all my fun with you or I can get your brother and--"

"Jay. Take Jay," you gritted your teeth and said without thinking of the repercussions of your actions.

"What you want, you get."

Keyes unchained your hands and you all but fell into his arms to avoid falling on the cold, hard concrete. He tugged your arm, pulling you up and you could've sworn if he pulled any harder, that your shoulder would have popped out of its socket. He then dragged you over to a large steel door, put in a code, and pushed it open, causing it to scrape against the floor.

That's when you heard him. Jay.

"Let her go you fucking animals!"

"Oh, we're letting her go alright," Keyes chuckled sinisterly as he got closer and closer to the light of the small flickering lightbulb that was hanging from the ceiling, giving the space you and Jay were currently being held an eerie glow. "But the deal was her for you."

***

You didn't know how much time had passed. You tried to keep your mind off of Jay's screams from the torture chamber by translating all your thoughts into Spanish. That only helped for the first few though, because they all had to do with pain.

Me duele. Me duele. Me duele.

I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

You were currently tied to a pole about six inches away from the rectangular-looking pipe that Jay had been tied to before Keyes took him. Everything Jay had taught you about survival had gone out the window. Not that you thought it mattered. All he had taught you to really do was how to break zip ties if your wrists and ankles were zip-tied together and if you needed to hit someone, hit their nose with the heel of your hand and then run as fast as possible while their vision was blurry.

Your shoulders ached from holding your weight for so long and the bleeding on your stomach had slowed to a trickle after all those taser hits. Your thigh was still numb from the worst taser hit of them all, but you were slowly regaining feeling in it.

You heard moaning coming from the left of you and turned your head to see a shirtless Jay being dragged back over to you. His face was already bruising and there was blood dripping down his torso. As he got closer, you couldn't even bear to look at him. You were the one who caused this. You were the one who made him go through all this pain. If you would've just taken what Keyes was giving you, Jay wouldn't be hurting as much--if not more--than you were.

They tied Jay to the pipe once more and then Keyes crouched down to your height. You resisted the urge to spit in his face. "I hope he forgives you." He began to caress your face, causing you to grit your teeth to keep from crying out, in fear or disgust, you weren't sure which. "Because I sure as hell wouldn't, sweetheart."

"Get your-- hands-- off her," Jay heavily panted next to you.

"Nobody asked you!" The echo of the slap Jay had just received from Keyes could be heard throughout the entire basement, causing you to flinch backward, hitting your head on the pole.

"Ah, fuck," you muttered through gritted teeth.

"Now, I'm gonna go make a few phone calls, eat some food, maybe have some friends over." At the mention of friends, your eyes widened, hoping that didn't mean what you thought it did. "Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. It's not what you think...yet."

Then, he left and you scooted around the pole so you could be closer to your brother. "I'm a monster," you whispered.

"What?" Jay turned his head to look at you, trying to maneuver his shoulders under the pipe to loosen it once more.

"He said you or me, that I had to choose and I told him to take you. I'm sorry. I should've just let him--"

"No, what you did was the right thing. I'll be fine. I was worried about you the whole time you were in there." Only then did he get a good look at you and saw that you were only in your bra and underwear. "Oh, God. He didn't-- I can't forgive myself if he--"

"Jay, he didn't do that." You shivered, despite being covered in a layer of nervous sweat.

And, Jay being a detective and all, didn't miss that. "Can you move any closer to me?"

You tugged on the rope, using whatever slack it had left in it to slowly drag yourself closer to Jay. Somehow, you got yourself close enough to Jay that you were leaning against him. You felt the warmth of his chest and remembered when Jay had told the doctor one time that his temperature always ran a little high, that that was normal for him. And God, right now you were really thankfully for those extra point three degrees he had on you.

"You're warm," you mumbled.

"You're getting blood in your hair."

"But it's warm." You closed your eyes.

"No, no, no, no, no." Jay moved his shoulder, making your head move up and down.

"Stop it. Trying to take a nap before he comes back."

"No, no we are not doing that. You do not close your eyes on me, Y/N Halstead. Do you understand me?"

You blinked and opened your eyes. "Fine. But everything hurts."

"I know. I know it does, kid. But we're gonna get out of here, okay?" Jay craned his neck to look above him. Then, he looked you up and down. "Think you could fit through that air vent?"

***

"You've reached Jay. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. At the tone please record your message, when you have finished recording--"

"Dammit, Halstead. It's been two hours!" Severide grumbled to himself as he sat on the couch in your house. Then, he scrolled through the phone to find your contact.

He waited for a few rings. "Hey, it's Y/N. I can't come to the phone right now. But pro tip, send me a text and maybe I'll answer that. Bye! At the tone please record your--"

He slammed his finger down on the end call button and went to call the third Halstead in a row, Will.

"Kelly?" Will asked as he answered his phone in the doctor's lounge. "Not to sound rude or anything, but why are you calling me?"

"Have you seen Jay or Y/N?"

"Can't say I have, why?"

"They went out to grab lunch and said they'd drop some off to you and it's been two hours. I don't know, maybe something happened to them."

"Yeah, I'll call Voight. Maybe Jay got called in and Y/N's just at the district. I'll let you know what I find out."

"Thanks, man."

Will ended the call and scrolled through his contacts until he found Hank Voight's phone number.

"Voight," the gravely-voiced sergeant answered.

"Hank, it's Will Halstead. Any chance you've seen my brother or sister lately?"

"No. I gave Halstead the day off and I haven't seen Y/N. Why? Is everything alright?"

"It's just that Kelly Severide just called me and he said that Jay and Y/N were out grabbing food and it's been two hours and neither of them is answering their phones."

"Okay, I'll look into it and get back to you. Don't worry about it. They probably just have no service because of a downed line."

"Yeah," Will agreed, trying to be optimistic. "Thanks."

"No problem, doc."

Voight ended the call and walked out of his office and into the bullpen. It was a slow day in Intelligence and hell, Ruzek hadn't even shown up yet.

"Is Ruzek gonna show up or is he playing hookey today?" Voight asked, annoyed.

"I think he's just hungover," Kevin answered. "If we got a case though, I'll pick him up on the way there and wake his ass up."

"Hank." Voight turned to look at the stairs, seeing none other than Trudy Platt. "You all need to listen to this."

She pressed play on an iPad and your voice came through the speaker. "Detective Jay Halstead, intelligence. Ping this phone."

"That's Y/N's voice," Kevin said.

"Trudy, when was this call placed?" Voight asked.

"About an hour and a half ago."

"Okay. Atwater, go pick up Ruzek. Burgess, ping Y/N's phone. Upton, me and you are gonna go suit up and then go find Jay and Y/N's last known."

"Copy that," Hailey answered.

***

"No sign of them, Sarge," Hailey said as she walked around Jay's truck, which showed clear signs of forced entry.

"This is 5021 squad," Voight spoke into his radio, "I need you to roll the crime lab on our current location and notify all units, an officer and a civilian have been abducted."

"Should we call Will?" Hailey asked.

"No. Not until we get more information. We don't need him to know that both of his siblings have been kidnapped. Because, if he's anything like Jay, which there's a 99% chance he is, he'll do something reckless. And we can't have that, not with this case."

"Kim, do you have any pod footage from our location?" Hailey asked.

"I do, but it's not facing that way. Wait, I got something. It looks like there was a squad car...and Jay's truck is out of frame. Dammit!"

"Kim track that patrol car number, see if it was reported missing or stolen."

"Copy."

There was typing on Kim's end before she came back on the radio. "Patrol car was reported stolen from the police garage this morning. According to the GPS, it says it's at the bottom of the Chicago River."

"So, whoever did this ripped the GPS out. Great."

"Hank," Trudy's voice came over the radio.

"What do you have for me, Trudy?"

"You need to get back to the district. There's a package for you and it's got a DVD and a flip phone in it. Some kid dropped it off, said it was important that this be viewed by you and Intelligence."

***

"Anybody else getting deja vu from this? Or is it just me?" Adam asked as he popped the DVD into the computer as everyone else crowded around to get a view of the screen.

"If this is what I think it is, then it is not good," Voight agreed.

"Someone care to enlighten me?" Hailey asked.

"About four years ago, there was this dealer, Derek Keyes. We had a buy going down in Midway and he killed his own brother and took Jay. Sent us a DVD and a flip phone," Adam answered.

"We watched Jay get tortured like an animal," Kevin said.

"And then Keyes called," Adam continued. "He said he wanted all our CI files and to send a lone female officer. We made fake files and sent Erin Lindsay, but they didn't have him. So, Erin had to go back with them, and somehow, I have no idea how those two did it, but they fought off Keyes and his associates and got out of there alive."

"Let's get this over with," Voight said.

They all held their breath as the video booted up. When Adam did press play, they were met with you hanging from the ceiling and being tased. They could hear Jay's screams in the background telling them to let you go.

"J-Jay. Take Jay," you panted and were taken down and dragged out.

Then, the video switched to Jay being tased. Hailey thought she was going to be sick. They had her partner, the man she had finally shared her feelings with and she'd be damned if they took him away from her.

The phone rang and Voight flipped it open and put it on speaker. "Hello?"

"Sergeant Voight, so we meet again," Derek Keyes' voice came through the phone. "I wish it were under better circumstances."

"What do you want, Keyes? We both know how this goes."

"I know what you want," Keyes started, smirking on the other end of the call. "You want your detective and his precious little sister who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've gotta say, Jay is quite the martyr this time around. Not like his sister gave him much of a choice, but he did it willingly. Didn't even fight back when he got back in there, all he said was not to hurt her more than I already have."

"She's just a kid, Keyes!" Adam yelled. "Let her go!"

Adam was like another older brother to you, but he was the fun brother. He always said that if you went to a party and needed a place to crash after without telling your brothers, he was your guy. He was also the one who, whenever you had to be stuck at the district for whatever reason, would sneak you a few dollars if you didn't have cash on you and you'd get Oreos from the vending machine.

"Oh, but that wouldn't be much fun for me now, would it?" Keyes chuckled.

"What do want?" Voight sneered.

"All of the drugs from the evidence locker. Meet me tonight at ten pm and you'll get your precious detective and his kid sister back. Send a lone, female officer. I'll send you the address."

Then, the line went dead.

"Okay, so we just go and check out all the drugs from evidence and throw them in a bag and do the meet. Simple," Adam stated.

"Are you out of your mind?" Voight asked, stepping closer to Adam. "Most of those drugs are laced, and there no way I am sending that much out onto the streets!"

"It's not just Jay this time! They have Y/N!"

"He's right, Sarge," Kevin backed up his best friend. "If it were just Jay, we might be able to get out of it without getting the drugs to Keyes. But, Y/N's got no way to defend herself in there, not with guys two times her size. You saw how she looked in that video and how she cried out for Jay. He'll do anything for her, Sarge. That's usually a good thing, but it might not be in this case."

They all knew what Kevin was getting at: If it was a choice between you or Jay dying, Jay would take the bullet in a heartbeat.

"Alright," Voight nodded. "I'll go sign out the drugs. Kim, get a wire on Hailey. Atwater and Ruzek, scope out the place and find the best spot to watch the drop."

***

"Jay, I swear to God if you break your damn shoulder--"

"I will not break my shoulder, Y/N." Jay gritted his teeth as he shoved his shoulder into the pipe.

"All I'm saying is that Will is gonna have to poke you with a needle if that happens."

"Listen, we're gonna get poked and prodded anyway." There was a soft clang as one end of the pipe came loose and popped off its bearings.

Jay quickly got his hands out of the rope and moved over to untie you.

"Oh, Thank God." Jay pulled the rope off your wrists, to see blood trickling down them.

"What the hell did you do?" Jay asked. His wrists weren't bloody, just raw, so he didn't know how yours had gotten that bad without you saying something.

"When they were hurting you, I just kept tugging on them. But it didn't work. They just got tighter."

"Yeah, because with the type of knot they tied you up with, the more you tug, the tighter it gets. Can you feel your leg yet?"

"How did you know it was numb?"

"I'm a detective. I notice things and you kept pinching your leg."

"It's better, I guess."

"Try and stand up, walk a few steps, and then we are getting out of here."

"How? You're gonna boost me up to that air vent where we have no idea where it ends and then I'm gonna go outside, pray that it's not snowing, and try and fight this guy off. Not to mention, I am literally just in my bra and underwear!"

"Listen, you probably won't have to go very far before someone who's concerned comes up to you and you ask to use their phone and you call Will, who will call Voight. If Will doesn't pick up, call 911. And, it's Chicago. People have seen weirder things than this."

You started walking around, making sure you could feel your leg. And you could feel it alright. You could feel it aching from your knee up to your hip, but you had to get out of here. You didn't know how much more of that you could take. And, you felt nauseous...but you couldn't tell Jay that or else he'd make you sit down and your escape plan would be dead in the water.

"Ready?" Jay asked.

"As I'll ever be," you answered, walking closer to him.

"You'll be okay, kid. We're gonna be okay."

You nodded, holding back tears, and then took a deep breath. Jay grunted in pain as he took your foot in his hand and boosted you up so that you could reach the open vent. Once you got your hands tightly wrapped around the entrance, Jay pushed so that your body was completely inside. You couldn't imagine the amount of pain he was in as he was having to irritate all of the wounds on his stomach and shoulders to get you up there.

You began your crawl through the dark and hoped that you didn't see a snake or a different type of reptile or rodent. Because, if you did and Keyes didn't kill Jay, you sure as hell would.

You crawled through the dark for what to you felt like hours, but in reality, it had only been three minutes, until you saw a speck of light ahead of you. You went as fast as your injured body would allow you to go, knowing that the outside world and freedom were getting closer and closer with every struggling step.

"Fuck," you muttered. You could see outside through the vent, but there was just one problem. You'd have to kick out the metal filter in order to jump outside.

You stifled a scream as you pulled your legs back, crunching them up to your chest which rubbed against the wounds on your stomach and kicked forward. You heard a creaking noise, taking that as a good sign, you kicked the filter seven more times with all the strength you had left and heard it hit the soft snow below.

You poked your head out, for once thankful that you were being held in a basement so that you were at ground level and wouldn't have to jump from four stories high.

But it was cold, oh so cold, and your lack of clothing didn't help matters.

Then, you heard Jay scream.

Hearing that kicked your adrenaline into high gear and you slipped out of the air vent and onto the ground, your feet making footprints in the snow. But, it was as if you couldn't even feel your feet on the verge of being frostbitten as you ran across the yard, further and further away from that place, closer and closer to safety.

But then, you came to a fence, which made your heart stop. You couldn't remember the last time you had climbed a fence! Yes, it paid to be small so you could fit in an air vent, but it did not help you the slightest bit when trying to jump a fence.

You gripped the metal and slid your foot into one of the rectangles, hauling yourself up as fast as you could.

But, you weren't fast enough.

You were ripped off the fence so fast that it made your head spin, the dizziness causing bile to rise in your throat.

"Let me go!" you yelled, kicking and screaming, hoping that your foot would make contact with any part of Derek Keyes' body that would cause him pain.

"Oh, where's the fun in that?"

"Please--" You couldn't finish your sentence before Keyes had slapped you across the face and then pressed a piece of duck tape on your mouth, effectively shutting you up.

"Much better. Now I can enjoy my peace and quiet."

You huffed and tried to scream through the duck tape, but it was no use. You tried to lick the duck tape like Jay had taught you, but you had been without water for so long that the tape wouldn't lose its stickiness no matter how hard or long you tried. Salty tears rolled down your face, wasting whatever water your probably dehydrated body had left.

You were once again dragged into the basement, meeting Jay, who was on the floor writhing in pain from the taser hit he had just received, chains on his wrists and ankles.

"Look who finally decided to turn back up, detective," Derek said, as he chained you to the pole. You knew that you'd probably need a tetanus shot from the rust getting into your cut-up wrists...if you ever go out of here that is.

"Op! Op!" you tried to yell stop through your duck tape, but that was the best you could do.

"Let her go, Keyes," Jay panted. "You want me, you have me. Now," he paused to take in some much-needed air, "just let her go."

"That was going to be the plan before I caught her trying to escape. I was going to take her and exchange her for the drugs and then maybe your people would find you in time. But, seeing as she is the escapee and you're just the accomplice, I think that she should get a longer prison sentence. That's how it works, isn't it detective?"

You whimpered, but Jay said nothing. A kick to his side made him remember who was in charge. "Yeah, yeah, that's how-- that's how it works."

"Precisely my point." He nodded at one of his associates who pulled out a syringe. Instinctively, Jay flinched. "Aw, is the big, bad detective afraid of a little needle?" Then, he plunged the needle into Jay's shoulder once more.

Jay tried to stay awake by focusing on you, silently telling you that it would be okay, but soon his eyes closed, the drugs taking over his system.

"Get him in the van, go do the deal," he told the guy who had just put sedatives in your brother's system. "As for you, sweetheart, it's time for another game."

***

"Hailey, van pulling up on your six," Ruzek said into his radio.

"Copy," Hailey answered. Seeing as she was unarmed, this needed to go smoothly. Not just for her, but for you and Jay.

As the van pulled up, Hailey's heart beat faster and faster. One slip up and she, Jay, and you would all easily be dead.

"Lone female officer," Keyes' associate said as he pulled up to Hailey. "Voight knows how to listen. You got what we asked for?"

"Sure do," Hailey answered, popping the trunk and pulling out the bag full of drugs. "All the drugs from 21st's evidence locker." She unzipped the bag, showing it to the men. "Now, give me my people, and then you can have 'em."

"That's not how this works. The drugs and then you get them back."

Hailey hesitated, but then she heard Voight's voice in her earpiece. "Do it, Upton. We have them surrounded."

She handed over the bag and he inspected it. "Get him out!" he yelled to the person in the back with Jay.

The door was opened and Jay was shoved out of the van, smashing his face into the gravel as the van sped off.

"Take 'em," Voight said.

"Sarge, Y/N's not here!" Hailey yelled. "It's only Jay and I need an ambo here! Now!"

"They- They got her, Hailey. Escape-- caught-- still there," Jay gasped as Hailey helped him sit up and wiped some blood from his face.

"Jay says Y/N's still there!" Hailey said and then the ambulance came up next to them.

Hailey undid the knots that were holding Jay's wrists and ankles together. They had switched out the chains for rope as soon as they were far away enough from Keyes' place that they knew that Jay wouldn't escape.

"Hailey, I counted- I counted the turns. They didn't give me enough and I woke- I woke up as soon as the van started."

"Sarge, I need you here, now! I think we got something, but I'm gonna need some help."

"Copy," Voight answered.

"Can you stand up, sir?" the paramedic asked Jay.

"Yeah, yeah I can do that." Hailey took his hand and helped him stand up and sit in the back of the ambulance.

"Jesus, man," Adam said as he saw Jay's current state. "You look like hell."

"Not the time," Voight admonished. "Hailey, what do you got?"

"Jay said he counted the turns. So if we can somehow get him in the car, I think he might be able to tell us where to go by backtracking."

"Halstead, you good to go?"

"Yeah," Jay answered, slowly standing up.

"Sergeant," the paramedic turned to Voight, "we really need to get him to Chicago Med."

"Listen to me, his sister is missing and probably being tortured right now. He is the only person who knows where to go because those other two sons of bitches who brought him here ain't talking. So, if you take him to the hospital and his sister dies, her death is on you. But if it makes you feel any better, one of you can ride with us," Voight sneered.

The paramedic reached behind her, pulling out a medical bag. "Take this. Use the hydrogen peroxide to clean the cuts. Use the bandages and gauze to cover them up, but remember to clean all of them." She looked at his stomach. "This one needs stitches, so I'm gonna need to keep him here--"

"No! We can just pack it, can't we?" Hailey asked.

"I mean, you could. It'd only work for a max of two hours."

"Well, we better work fast then," Voight said. "Hailey, help him to the car."

***

Keyes roughly grabbed your face in his hand. You were once again chained up and hanging from the ceiling by your wrists. The minute you stopped swinging, you did what you should've done hours ago. Jay wasn't here to save you and this wasn't going to get any easier. You were saving yourself in this one.

You spat in his face, resulting in you getting a slap across your face and then getting tased in the shoulder.

"I'm getting bored of this," Keyes said, faking a yawn.

He turned around and you used that moment to gather up all your strength and swing backward, using the momentum to carry you forward and kicking your legs out, successfully hitting him in the back, making him fall to the ground with a thud. You wiggled in the chains, ignoring the pain in your bloody wrists screaming out for you to stop. But, who were you kidding? They weren't going to budge.

"Tough girl, huh?" Keyes snarled as he stood up, pulling an orange lighter from his pocket. He flicked it open, flames slithering out. "Good thing I like tough girls. And, I also have another game."

You spit at him again, but he was too far away for it to reach him. "Go to hell!"

"I was going to tell you the rules, but since you wanna be so feisty, you can figure it out as we go."

He moved closer to you and reached up to your arms. You screamed out as the flames licked up your left arm, testing your restraints once more and trying with all your might to swing to the right, away from Keyes and his lighter. As you screamed, Keyes counted.

Then, he went to the other arm and did the same thing, counting to the same number and pulling the lighter away. But, since you kept screaming, he kept counting.

He then moved the lighter around your stomach for six seconds, and you screamed for another two. "You know what this means? Eight seconds the next place I light up. If you shut your goddamn mouth, I wouldn't have to do this."

"Fuck you!" You felt a wave of nausea again and this time, you knew you weren't going to be able to keep it down. "I'm gonna- I'm gonna--" And then you puked right down yourself. If you didn't already feel humiliated and at the mercy of Keyes, you sure did now. Chained up, covered in your own vomit, and just waiting to be burned once more.

This was how you were going to die. At this point, you just needed to accept it. Maybe if you shut up, you'd be able to die in a little less pain than you were currently in.

Keyes laughed at how helpless you were and moved his lighter to your collarbone. "No, no, please! Please just kill me! Please!" you pleaded.

"Where's the fun in that?"

Then, he held the lighter to your collarbone. You screamed and tried to get away from the lighter, but you were losing energy and through the pain, you remembered what Keyes said: If you shut your goddamn mouth, I wouldn't have to do this. So, you screamed for two seconds and bit your tongue as hard as you could to keep from yelling out once again, making more seconds get added to your burns.

"You're learning. That's good," Keyes said as he played with the lighter, making the flames go in between his fingers.

"I'll be quiet I promise!"

"Two more seconds." He moved the lighter to your thigh and was about to flick it to make fire spit out when he was loudly interrupted.

"Derek! We gotta go! They found us!"

Keyes threw the open lighter to the ground. "Looks like you'll actually get your death wish."

Then, he bolted out the door as you watched the flames moving across the concrete, quickly starting to burn the pile of rope that sat next to the wall, only making the fire accelerate.

***

"Turn left!" Jay yelled to Voight.

"Is that smoke?" Hailey asked.

Jay saw the black smoke. "That means a house is burning! Call CFD!" he yelled, his Rangers training and all the things he saw in Afghanistan paying off once again.

"This is 5021 Squad, requesting CFD-- Jay, is this close to where you were?"

Jay's face paled, realizing what Voight was insinuating. "Oh my God."

"This is 5021 Squad," Voight started again, "Requesting CFD and Rescue Squad. We have a house fire and possible victim inside in an unknown condition. Offenders assumed to be fleeing, patrol be advised."

***

Your eyelids felt heavy as you felt the flames licking the wall next to you, dangerously close.

Please let me pass out from smoke inhalation. Please let me pass out from smoke inhalation, you thought to yourself. After all, if you were going to end up being burned alive, you'd prefer to be unconscious when it occurred; it'd hurt less.

You thought that you might actually get your way for once today, two days? You didn't know how long you had been here. Your eyelids fluttered closed and you thought you were alive, but then you heard someone calling out to you.

Severide?

The first person you thought you'd hear from or see when you got to heaven, you assumed was going to be your mom, but apparently, that had changed.

"Want Mom," you mumbled, hoping she'd appear out of thin air. Because, you were in heaven and that's what angels do, right?

"Fire Department, call out!"

Why was Severide dead and why was he saying to call out? You were dead so why did you need saving?

"Fire Department, call out!" another voice yelled.

Wait, was that Cruz?

Holy shit, you weren't dead...not yet at least.

"In here," you tried to be as loud as you could, using the last energy you had, but it was just your normal talking voice. So, with all the strength you had left, you tried to clang the chains connected to your wrists and the ceiling together, hoping they'd make enough sound so that they could find you.

"Cruz, get the bolt cutters and cut these chains off her!" you heard Kelly yell. "I'll catch her and then we'll get outta here!"

The smoke hurt your eyes and you were so, so tired.

You felt yourself falling and your eyes shot open in fear. You tried to move out of the hold, but everything hurt...especially the newly added burns from Keyes which were especially tender.

"Y/N, relax. It's just me, it's Kelly."

"Kelly," you muttered, closing your eyes and slipping into an unconscious state.

"I need a medic!" Kelly yelled as he carried you out of the burning house and towards the second ambulance.

Jay was sitting in the first one, getting the cut on his stomach looked at. "Y/N!"

He moved to try and stand to get over to you, but he was pushed back down. "You can see her at the hospital," the paramedic told him. "I can't have you ripping the cut more than it is."

"Jay, she's in good hands," Hailey said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Please, just tell me she's alive." He made eye contact with Kelly who looked at Sylvie. She nodded.

"She's alive, Jay."

***

"Dr. Marcel, trauma victim is two minutes out!" Maggie yelled to Crockett who was standing at a computer, finishing some charts.

"I'll help," Will volunteered.

"Good, know anything else about the victim?"

"Kidnapping victim." Maggie paused, listening to the radio. "Will, you can't treat this patient."

"What do you mean I can't treat this patient?" he asked, taking a step closer to Maggie.

"Will, it's Y/N."

"What?"

"I don't need a wheelchair, Hailey! I can walk!" Jay yelled as he entered the ED, to be met with a shock-faced Will.

"Give it to me," Marcel said as Sylvie rolled you in on the stretcher, still unconscious.

"Y/N Halstead, 20-year-old female, kidnapping victim. Diminished breath sounds, most likely from smoke inhalation. First-degree burns on her stomach, shoulder, and collarbone, needs stitches in her right wrist and a tetanus shot. No broken bones that we could find, but it wouldn't hurt to check. Bruising on a lot of her body, but it looks superficial. Go through concussion protocol as well. There's a big bump on her head," Sylvie answered.

"Thanks, Brett."

"Trauma three!"

Will just stood, staring at you being pushed into the trauma room. Then, he flicked his eyes up at Jay. You were here because of Jay.

"She's gonna be okay, right Will?" Jay asked, walking closer to his older brother.

Will said nothing.

"Will!" Jay yelled once more.

Will's eyes darkened and he looked down at Jay. "She's here because of you!" If Jay had a shirt on, Will would've grabbed him by his collar. "You could've gotten her out of there and you didn't!"

"I tried! We tried to escape and they caught her. They took me instead of her to go back--"

"They took you back instead of her? God, did you even try to fight back, or did you just let them take her back and torture her?"

"Are kidding me right now? You don't think I tried? Look at me! I fucking tried but they chained me to a fucking wall, Will! There wasn't much I could do from there!"

"Okay, okay," Hailey said, stepping between the two men and placing her hands on Jay's chest. "Let's go get you stitched up. And, you two better work this out before Y/N wakes up. Because she will wake up."

***

Will tapped the glass of the entrance to Jay's hospital room, seeing as it was midnight and Will was working a double shift, he had grabbed some coffee to keep him awake. And, knowing Jay, he knew that he wouldn't sleep at a time like this, so he grabbed him a coffee, too.

Hailey had gotten up to go to the bathroom before Will had gotten there, leaving Jay alone. Jay looked up to see who was knocking and nodded his head, allowing his older brother to enter.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," Will apologized, handing Jay his coffee. "I know you tried your hardest, it's just, I'm used to seeing you come here in an ambulance, but seeing Y/N? That hits different. It's like everything I learned in med school flew out the window the minute Brett brought her through the ED doors."

"If only we didn't try to escape, then she could've gone when Keyes' people went to do the deal and she wouldn't be in this mess," Jay sighed, taking a sip of his coffee, being careful not to move his left arm too much.

"How's the shoulder?" Will asked.

"I didn't break it. Just hurts a lot. They said if I would've hit it a few more times I would've broken it though."

Will nodded, wanting to ask Jay how the hell you got yourself into this mess. But, he didn't want Jay to shut him down.

"Out with it," Jay prompted. "I know that look. It's when you want to say something, but won't."

Will raked a hand through his hair, tugging on the roots. "How did she even get in this mess to begin with?"

"We were just going to get lunch, that's all we were doing." Jay's voice grew quieter, as he realized that this entire thing was wholly on him and no one else. "I got pulled over and it was- it was Keyes. Must've stolen a patrol car. I- I told her to get down and call 911, but they heard her on the phone. They heard her on the phone and grabbed her, Will. I tried to fight back, but then I was drugged and..." He stopped and looked down. Then, he set his coffee on the table and put his face in his hands as his body began to shake with sobs.

Will stood up and put his hand on Jay's good shoulder, rubbing back and forth. "When I woke up, I was tied to- to a pipe and I heard- I heard her screaming for me."

"Hey, hey, it's okay. She's safe now. She's safe."

And, then Will's pager went off, alerting him that he had an incoming victim of a car crash. "I gotta go, little brother, but Hailey's back." He gave Jay's shoulder one last squeeze and slipped out of the room.

"Jay, I know what you're doing," Hailey said, dragging a chair across the small room to be closer to him. "None of this is your fault."

"But it is, Hailey! If I didn't have the brilliant idea to try and get her to go through that air vent and escape, she wouldn't be here right now."

"You were doing what you thought would get her out of harm's way. You did what you were supposed to do. It just...didn't work out quite right this time."

"Obviously. God, if they would've just taken me instead..."

"Hey, hey. Jay, look at me," Hailey said sternly, grabbing his face in her hands when he looked up at her. "She is safe now and I know for a fact that when Y/N wakes up, she's gonna need you. She can't have you spiraling. She's gonna need all the help, support, and love she can get."

"But what if she hates me?" Jay whispered. "I'm the reason she's in all that pain."

"She could never hate you, not now, not ever. And, Keyes is the reason she's in all that pain. Not you, most definitely not you."

***

You woke up to the steady hum of machines and you felt something in your arm.

Keyes was going to drug you just like he did to Jay. And the machines were so that he could electrocute you.

"Please wake up," you heard Jay mutter.

If he was here, that means the deal didn't go down as planned and Jay probably had more injuries. You couldn't open your eyes, for fear of what condition your big brother would be in because of you. If only you had gotten over that fence...

They didn't know you were awake yet, so you fumbled with the needle in your arm, hoping to pull it out to stop any more drugs from invading your system.

You jumped back as you felt someone's hand on your arm, keeping the needle in and your eyes shot open, to be met with just Jay.

You moved away from him, knowing that if he was back, Keyes would follow.

"I need some help in here!" Jay yelled as you reached once more for the needle in your arm.

"Y/N, we need you to calm down!" Maggie told you as she ran in, grabbing your hand to pull it off the arm where the IV was. "You're in the hospital, at Chicago Med. Will's here, but he's with a patient."

That was when you finally took in your surroundings. The hum of the machines were the monitors, and whatever was going into your body were drugs, but they were to get you better.

Your heart rate steadily slowed, until it was back to its normal rhythm. "There you go," Maggie said as she handed you a cup of water which you gladly drank. "I'll get Will and Dr. Marcel."

"Thanks, Maggie," Jay said, finally sitting down again. You ran the fingers of your left hand over the stitches on your right wrist and started poking at them. "Uh, no," Jay told you as he saw what you were doing. You looked up at him. "I know it's your first time getting stitches, but I can promise you, as someone who has gotten over 100, they aren't as interesting as they seem."

Luckily, Jay was saved from telling you to stop messing with stuff when Will and Crockett entered.

"Y/N, you're okay, kid," Will said as he gave you a small hug, careful of your injuries. You just looked at him and nodded.

"Now, Miss Halstead," Marcel began, "how are you feeling?" You didn't say anything, just kept staring. "Does anything hurt?" Again, he received no response.

Will and Marcel shared a looked, they knew what this could be. And, that didn't go unnoticed by Jay. "What? What's going on?"

"She could have sustained other neurological injuries besides her concussion, as it seems like she can't hear us," Marcel answered.

"You're saying our sister's deaf?" Jay asked, horrified.

"That's not what I'm saying, but it is a possibility. I just need to do a quick neuro exam to be sure."

He reached into his pocket, causing you to flinch and move back on the bed, your heart rate rising as you remembered Keyes reaching into his pocket to grab the lighter. This did not go unnoticed by the three men in the room.

"Jay, hand me that whiteboard and marker behind you, would you?" Will asked.

Jay handed it to him. "What are you doing?"

"Writing down what Dr. Marcel's doing so that Y/N knows. Because, if she did lose her hearing, she has no idea what he's grabbing right now."

"Oh," was all Jay said. If his sister went deaf all because of him, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

Marcel's grabbing a flashlight, you read. And then he's gonna shine it in your eyes and you have to follow it w/o moving your head.

You nodded, understanding what he was doing, even though you could hear the whole conversation.

You completed the exam and everything seemed neurologically intact. The two doctors shared a look. "Jay, come with us," Will said.

"I'll be right back," Jay told you. He thought about squeezing your hand but thought it might be too early for him to do that without warning. When you squeezed Marcel's hand during the neuro exam, that didn't freak you out because Will had written it on the whiteboard, telling you what was about to happen.

"What's going on? She did everything right in there," Jay asked once they were out of the room.

"Everything is neurologically intact," Marcel answered.

"But..."

"But, she's traumatized, to say the least."

"So you're telling me that our sister won't talk because she's been through trauma?" Jay asked, quieter this time.

"Short answer, yes."

"Why?"

"There's a multitude of reasons. She might not feel safe and comfortable yet. Your captor might have told her if she talked, that he'd hurt her."

"He never said that to her," Jay said. "Not when I was there anyway." Then, he turned to his brother. "She's gonna talk, right? She won't be like this forever?"

"It's all up to Y/N, now," Will answered. "She'll talk when she feels like talking."

"Care to give me a timeline on that?"

"Could be hours, days, months. I've heard stories in my psych rotation of it taking years."

"So what do we do?"

"You just be there for her," Marcel answered Jay's question. "Both of you."

***

2 days since kidnapping

You were finally headed home after being stuck in the hospital, not that it really mattered to you anyway. The only difference was that you would get to sleep in your own bed and look at the pile of homework on your desk that should be getting done, but not doing it.

Jay unlocked the front door and you walked inside, glad to be home. "I'm gonna make us some breakfast. Anything specific you want?" Jay asked. You just shrugged. "Okay, breakfast burritos it is then."

You headed into the bathroom to shower while Jay was making breakfast. You hadn't looked at yourself in the mirror since you had been kidnapped, and quite frankly, you had no desire to. You had seen the number Keyes had done on your stomach, arms, and thighs, and you didn't want to see what he did to your face. If it looked as bad as it felt though, it'd give a toddler nightmares.

You stood in the shower, using mostly cold water, so your burns didn't hurt too badly. You used a washcloth in place of a loofa to avoid opening any stitches, cuts, or burns. And, you had switched out your face wash with Jay's since his didn't have scrubbing beads in it, so they didn't irritate the bruises on your face.

You showered and changed into your comfiest pajamas (careful to have your back to the mirror while changing so you didn't so much as peek at yourself), and wrapped yourself in your favorite blanket. You grabbed gauze, bandages, and the cream you were supposed to put on your burns to have Jay help you re-wrap your burn on your left arm. Then, you walked back into the kitchen, to see Jay wrapping up your burrito.

"Not only are we eating burritos, but you're one, too," Jay joked, referring to you being wrapped in a blanket, as he set the plate of food down in front of you.

You shrugged and nodded. You set the supplies on the table and then held your arm out to him. He moved a chair closer to you and spread the cream on the burn, put the bandages on top, and then wrapped it in the gauze. "Not too tight, is it?"

You shook your head no and then started to nibble on your burrito.

By the time you were only halfway done, Jay had eaten two burritos and put his plate in the dishwasher. "You're not getting up from the table until you finish that," Jay stated, turning to you.

You scowled at him, but he just smiled back. "I'll even watch Survivor with you while you eat. And we can watch as many episodes as you want...but if you don't finish that, we're only watching one episode. Sound good?"

You looked at him and nodded, and he went off to his bedroom to grab his laptop.

The episode started to play and you knew which one it was immediately: the three amigos episode where your favorite castaway was at the bottom with his two alliance members and they all played immunity idols to avoid going home that night. You looked at Jay and nodded, telling him that he made a good choice.

You slowly but surely finished your burrito, not before heating it back up in the microwave during the ad breaks, just before the end of the episode. "You know what episode comes next, right?" Jay asked as if you had no idea. "The one where Malcolm gets voted off."

That was your favorite player in Survivor that season, but seeing as you had seen that episode before, you knew it was coming. So, you just shrugged and moved to the couch to continue your binge-watching.

***

Jay slowly closed his laptop, trying to make as little noise as possible so he didn't wake you. The two of you had broken for meals and to go to the bathroom, but other than that, you had watched Survivor all day. Typically, Jay hated sitting around all day and doing nothing, since that meant he was being unproductive, something he had learned from his years in the military. But, seeing how distracted you looked when watching the show even though you knew what was going to happen, he knew he couldn't just leave you after everything that had happened.

You had fallen asleep halfway through the episode, so Jay finished it by himself, but was sure to jot down the time in case you wanted to finish watching it tomorrow. He turned on the lamp on the small table next to you and put a glass of water next to you in case you woke up in the middle of the night.

Typically, he'd sleep with a fan on, something that you now did as well, but tonight, tonight that was not going to happen. He knew he had to have as little background noise as possible in case you woke up screaming or gasping in the middle of the night.

***

You were chained to the ceiling once again. And, just like last time, your feet didn't touch the ground so you just hung there, practically limp. But, unlike last time, Derek Keyes was nowhere in sight.

You strained your ears to try and hear anything that would alert you that he was coming but you heard nothing, absolutely nothing except the clink of the chains when you moved.

That was until you heard yelling, Jay yelling to be precise.

"I said you for the drugs and this," There was a pause, you assumed so that Keyes could show whatever the hell it was to your brother. "this is not drugs!"

You heard Jay yell and then you heard a sound, like someone dragging a sack of potatoes across the floor. And, it was getting louder.

The door opened, revealing Keyes dragging Jay inside the room, followed closely by an associate of his. You tried to swing back.

"Get her down," Keyes commanded. "And then tie her up with that rope over there. Make sure her hands are tied in front of her though and leave a line of rope dragging on the floor."

"Don't touch her!" Jay spat with all the energy he had left.

Keyes punched Jay in the face. "Shut the fuck up!"

Jay spat out blood and made eye contact with you. I'm sorry he mouthed. You sucked in a breath, knowing that this would not be good for either of you if Jay was apologizing before anything even happened.

You were roughly taken down from the chains and tied up in the corner now. You could probably try and walk around, try and make a run for it even, but your hands were tied in front of you and that door would be too heavy for you to push open without them tied up. You needed a code, too. So, there was no escaping.

"Now, you're taking her place and you just get to watch," Keyes said as he chained Jay up to the ceiling.

"Do whatever you want to me! Just leave her alone!"

Keyes punched Jay in the stomach. "What did I say? Shut up!"

Keyes then walked over to you, pulling a lighter from his pocket. You tugged on the rope as hard as you could, moving your entire upper body to try and get loose, but it was no use.

"Now, I'm going to light the end of this and it's going to slowly travel up the rope and to your hands. Maybe I'll put the fire out when it just gets your hands, maybe I'll let you die a slow and painful death by fire. You'll just have to wait and see."

"Keyes you can do whatever you want with me! Just don't touch her!" Jay yelled, pulling on the chains and trying to move closer to you.

Keyes flicked open the lighter.

"Please no," you whimpered. He crouched down at the end of the rope, the flame dancing dangerously close to it.

Then, you heard a crash. Did Jay somehow pull off the unthinkable and break out of his chains?

"Y/N, Y/N wake up."

Wake up? What did that mean? You were awake. If you weren't you wouldn't feel the rope digging into your wrists--

You jolted awake as you felt someone gently touch your shoulder.

"Y/N, it's Jay. You're at home on the couch. You're safe." At this, you went to sit up but were stopped when you felt a wetness on your right wrist as if it had been sitting in water.

You turned and looked at your hand. It was covered in blood. Then, you looked at the floor and saw the broken water glass that Jay must've left out for you.

"I'm gonna throw a few towels on the floor and then we're gonna get you cleaned up, okay? Looks to me like you threw out a few stitches."

He left to go grab a few towels and then came back--this time with shoes on--and laid them on the floor. "Do you mind if I quick pick you up just to get you into the hallway? Wouldn't want you to get glass in your foot and have to get more stitches." You hesitated, but nodded, allowing Jay to carry you to the hallway, your blanket still wrapped around your shoulders, where he then set you back down and you followed him to the bathroom.

Jay flicked on the light and pulled out the first kit, while you pushed yourself up onto the counter using your good wrist.

"I need you to rinse it out," Jay said as he reached over and turned on the faucet. "That way, if it's really bad, I can tell and call Will to come over here. But, maybe we'll get lucky and we can just wrap it up for right now and get it restitched in the morning."

You placed your wrist under the running water, thankful that Jay had tested the temperature to make sure that it was not too hot and not too cold. After a few seconds, you took it back out and allowed Jay to gently pat it dry with a towel. Then, he looked at it and came up with his verdict.

"I think I know what happened," Jay started.

You furrowed your eyebrows. You didn't even know how this happened, so how did he know?

"I think you kept rubbing your wrist back and forth on that jagged edge of the table because there's a splinter in here." You jerked your arm away from him, hiding your hand back under the safety of your blanket. Ain't no way in hell he was digging into your open wound with a pair of tweezers, no way in hell.

"Relax, I'm not gonna take it out. I'm gonna call Will and he's gonna take it out and stitch you back up." You shook your head, no. No way were you even allowing your doctor brother to take a pair of tweezers into your open skin. "He'll numb it and everything, don't worry," Jay reassured you, pulling out his phone.

"Will! It's not Lanik calling to cover your shift, it's me." you listened to Jay's side of the conversation. "Y/N threw out some stitches and now there's a splinter in there, so I need you to come over and fix it." There was a pause. "Believe me, if I thought it could wait a few more hours, you wouldn't be getting this call." Another pause. "Yeah, you can just stay over here. No, just a blanket." Another pause, this time longer. "Yeah, I'll try and do that. See you soon."

He set his phone on the counter and turned back to you. "Okay, so here's the deal and I know you're not gonna like it." You raised an eyebrow at him, urging him to continue. "Will said that that needs to be wrapped in a clean towel." You pulled your wrist tighter against the fabric of your blanket. "And that is not going to cut it."

You shook your head, no. Your blanket was warm and it made you feel safe and secure when it was wrapped tightly around you. "Y/N, it's got blood on it." He paused, trying to figure out how he could do this. "Tell you what, if you let me wrap your wrist in a clean towel, I'll let you use my weighted blanket while yours is in the wash. Deal?"

Jay offering you his weighted blanket? What kind of fever dream was this?

Will had gotten that blanket for Jay when he got home from Afghanistan for the second time to help ease his nightmares. He kept it in his closet most nights now, but you did see him using it after some particularly rough cases. One of those times being when he had been kidnapped by Keyes the first time.

You nodded, telling him that you had a deal, and out your arm. He pulled a clean hand towel out of the closet and the medical tape from the first aid kit. Then, he wrapped up your wrist, not without you wincing, and taped it.

"Now, do you want to go to your room or the living room to wait for Will?" You pointed to yourself. "Your room it is then. Can I take that blanket? I promise I'll be back with the weighted one in three minutes tops," he promised.

Reluctantly you handed over the blanket, which blood had soaked through in a small spot, and then made your way into your room.

True to his word, Jay came back in holding his gray weighted blanket. He placed it over your shoulders, seeing as you were currently staring off into space, your mind wandering back to the nightmare that caused all of this.

What if Intelligence hadn't gotten Keyes the drugs? Was that what would've happened?

"Y/N," you were pulled out of your thoughts by Jay softly saying your name. You looked up at him. "Whatever you dreamt out there--because I know you were dreaming since I had to wake you up--it isn't real. Keyes is locked up and he won't ever be getting out." He didn't know that for sure, he just knew they had him and his associates in county at the moment, awaiting sentencing. But, he'd say anything to ease your fears.

You nodded half-heartedly at him and he looked at your desk, textbooks still open to where that had been before the kidnapping. "If you want to take a semester off, that's fine. If you want to go back or see if you can finish the semester online, that's fine, too."

You shrugged. In all honesty, you had no idea what you wanted to do. You knew you wanted to finish the semester because you didn't want all of your tuition money to go to waste, you just didn't know how you'd do it, if you even could do it.

"You don't have to make a decision now or even in a week, just keep it in mind." Jay grabbed your laptop off your desk and set it on your bed. "Mind if I sit next to you?"

You moved over, allowing him to sit on your bed and he opened the laptop and passed it to you, silently telling you to put in your password. You did so and handed it back to him. "Figured we could finish the episode you fell asleep watching."

Just as the episode had finished loading, you heard a door open and you pushed yourself back further into the bed. You could jump off and hide in the closet if you needed to. You didn't think you could fit under your bed anymore, but it was worth a try if--

"Jay! It's Will! Where are you two?"

You visibly relaxed as you heard his voice. Jay placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Breathe, it's just Will. It's just Will." He gave you a second to take a deep breath and exhale. "Good. Now, I'm gonna go get him and you're gonna go in the bathroom. We'll meet you there. Is that okay with you?" You nodded. "Good."

You made your way into the bathroom and sat on the counter again, your--well actually Jay's--blanket, still wrapped around you.

"Hey," Jay greeted Will as he stood in the living room, holding his medical bag, a backpack which Jay assumed held clothes since he was going to just spend the rest of the night here, a small whiteboard, and a pack of dry-erase markers. "What are the whiteboard and markers for?" Jay asked, taking Will's medical bag from him.

"Figured if Y/N was up to it, she could write on the board so we know what she's saying."

"Good idea."

"That's why I'm the doctor and you're the cop."

"Shut up. Y/N's in the bathroom waiting for you."

Will and Jay entered the bathroom to be met with you sitting on the floor sobbing. "Whoa, whoa," Jay exclaimed, crouching down next to you. "What happened?"

You shook your head, not wanting to tell your brothers. "It's okay," Will started, crouching down on the other side of you. He handed you the whiteboard and a purple marker, your favorite color.

You stared at it, wondering if you could do it. So, you just scribbled NO.

"Wanna tell us why?" Jay prompted.

You'll laugh at me.

"No we won't. We promise," Will reassured you.

You squeezed your eyes closed, letting more tears fall before you finally decided to tell them. I looked in the mirror for the first time since

You didn't finish writing the sentence, only set the whiteboard down and waited for them to read it.

Neither of them knew how to respond, because how did they respond to their little sister seeing her face covered in faded bruises for the first time? Jay wanted to say that it would all be okay, that he knew how you were feeling because of the number of times he had looked in the mirror and saw bruises on his face and body, whether in the rangers or from being a cop, but he knew it was different. It was different because being a girl came with more insecurities, one of them being your skin. And, even though you didn't wear makeup, this was different than not wearing makeup. You chose to not wear makeup. You didn't choose to have this happen to you.

So, Jay just wrapped one arm around you protectively and Will squeezed your good hand, both reminding you that they were there, even though they had no idea what to say at the moment. And, that was all you needed: comfort from family while you cried out all that you had been holding in.

After staying in that position for about ten minutes, you were finally calm enough to push yourself up onto the counter and let Will do his job. He unzipped his medical bag and pulled out a syringe and a bottle, of what you assumed to be the liquid that would numb the affected area.

"Hey, turn away now because I'm getting the needle out," Will told you. He turned to Jay. "You might want to, too."

You weren't afraid of needles per say, you just didn't like to see how big they were before you got the injection. It always helped to look away when you were getting an injection and to not look at it while the nurse or doctor was prepping.

Surprisingly, Jay was fine. Usually, his hands get all clammy and his face gets a bit pale. You just chalked it up to him not being the one being stuck with the needle this time. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Y/N," Will started, "This is gonna hurt since it's going into an open wound."

"Man, why would you tell her that?" Jay exclaimed as he unwrapped the towel from your wrist.

"Thought she might need to be prepared. Now, I'm just gonna wipe it down with some disinfectant and then give you the local anesthetic, and then I can get the sutures in."

Jay held out his hand for you, silently telling you to squeeze it. Will wiped it down and that didn't feel so bad.

"Hey, hey, look at me," Jay coaxed as he watched Will pick up the syringe. "Squeeze my hand as hard as possible. You won't hurt me, I promise."

Then, you felt the pain of the needle in your skin as you squeezed your eyes shut, gritted your teeth, and squeezed the ever-loving life out of Jay's hand. But, after five seconds, the needle was out and after a minute, you couldn't feel your wrist.

You let go of Jay's hand and Will pulled out a pair of tweezers to remove the splinter. After that, he disinfected the area once more and put in new stitches.

"Good as new," he told you.

Thanks, you wrote on the whiteboard.

"No problem, kid." You stifled a yawn. "Go get some sleep. We'll still be here in the morning. Promise."

You rewrapped the weighted blanket around yourself and looked at Jay, silently asking if you could keep it for the night. "I guess you can keep it just for tonight," he relented as your blanket had just finished in the washing machine and still needed to be dried. "Besides, if I need anything, I've got this knucklehead here to keep me company."

"Who you calling knucklehead, knucklehead?"

You rolled your eyes at their immaturity and walked to your room to go to sleep. But, instead of turning off the lights all the way like you normally did, you dimmed them. You knew you would be using that dimmer for awhile.

***

Will walked into your room the next morning--well, closer to afternoon actually--to see you still wrapped in Jay's weighted blanket, laying on top of your other bed sheets and comforter. The lights were still on and he was shocked that Jay didn't turn them off when he woke up this morning and it started to get light out.

"Y/N. Y/N, wake up." He gently touched your blanket-covered shoulder, making you flutter your eyes open ad look at him. "Morning, sleepyhead. Your head hurt? Any nausea?"

He waited for a beat to see if you would speak and when you didn't, he handed you the whiteboard and the marker.

No, why?

"Because it's 11 o'clock and you don't normally sleep this late and you have a concussion, so I'm worried about post-concussion symptoms."

I'm fine.

"Okay, well I'm gonna go make some food, give you some time to wake up."

You picked up your phone and saw a text from Jay telling you that your blanket should be dry and that he was at the district and would be home later.

You went into the kitchen and were about to go get your blanket from the dryer when you heard the flickering sound of a burner being turned on. Your eyes landed on the flame and you slowly walked backward, afraid that it would somehow burn you even though it was twenty feet away.

You winced as you backed into the table, hitting your low back. Immediately, Will turned off the burner and turned around. "Y/N? You okay?" You stood still and stared at the stove. "Hey, that noise was just the burner turning on. It wasn't anything else, I promise."

You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded. Then, you dropped the blanket and made your way to the bathroom to go take a shower.

"If you're showering, be careful with your stitches!" Will yelled to you. "And, I'll help you re-wrap your burns after, too if you need."

You undressed and gently unwrapped the bandages from your burns.

Keyes did this to you.

Keyes' lighter did this to you.

Fire did this to you.

***

"Hey, man, good to have you back," Adam greeted Jay as he walked into the bullpen.

"Thanks," he replied, taking a seat on the edge of Hailey's desk.

"How are you doing?" Hailey asked. "You look tired."

"I mean, I've been better, obviously," Jay answered, rubbing a hand on his face. "Y/N popped some stitches last night when she had a nightmare, so we had to call Will and deal with that in the middle of the night."

"Halstead, here to make your statement?" Voight asked as he emerged from his office.

"Yeah, you wanna just do it out here? Because I know all of you want to know what happened and it'll save me a lot of talking if I only have to say it once."

"If that's what you wanna do, then we can do that."

Voight grabbed a notepad and a pen. "Start from the beginning."

"We were just going to grab lunch, that's all..."

Once he was done giving his statement, Jay was drained needless to say. He was in the locker room and God, all he could think of were your pleas for help when you were both held captive. He was sitting against the lockers, head in his hands, quiet sobs leaving his lips.

"Jay," Hailey alerted as she walked into the locker room. She slid down the lockers next to him. "Jay, hey, it's okay."

"It's not okay, Hailey!" He yelled. He took a deep breath. "Sorry, it's just, she hasn't said a goddamn word since she was rescued from that house."

Hailey wrapped her arm around Jay, allowing him to lay his head on her chest. "And you're keeping all your emotions in to stay strong for her so she doesn't break any more than she already is, aren't you?"

"How did you know that?" he whispered.

"Because I know you, Jay. You always look out for others but sometimes you forget to look out for yourself. Just remember that I'm here if you need me."

"Thank you."

Hailey ran a comforting hand through his hair. "What if she- what if she doesn't forgive me?"

"She knows it's not your fault. You did everything you could. Hell, you even tried to get her to escape all while knowing it would be worse for you when Keyes came back. You did a good thing, Jay."

"She looked at herself in the mirror for the first time last night," Jay stated.

"What?" Hailey asked, confused.

"She hadn't looked in the mirror since before all this went down. Me and Will walked into the bathroom and she was sobbing. I didn't even know what to say to that. What do I do if she doesn't talk again, Hailey? I didn't know what to say when she broke down last night. If I can't do that, how am I going to handle the rest of this?"

"You just have to remember one thing. Y/N's still in there. It might take a little digging, but underneath all the dirt that Keyes buried her in, she's still there, just underneath it. You and Will just need to dig her out, one shovel-full at a time. And, I'm sure all of us will help with some of that digging."

"Thank you," Jay choked out.

How did I get so lucky? he thought to himself.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Hailey still running a hand through Jay's hair and giving him the comfort he so desperately needed.

"I better get going," Jay whispered.

"I understand."

Jay stood up first and held out his hand to help Hailey up. He splashed some water in his face and dried it, trying to get rid of the tear stains and Hailey took something out of her locker.

"What's this?" he asked, taking the book, Corrupt, and a bag of pumpkin spice coffee from her.

"I saw the book on Y/N's to-read list on Goodreads and figured she could use the distraction. And, I remember her complaining one day about running out of pumpkin spice coffee."

"Where'd you find it? She looked everywhere for it and she couldn't find it because it's out of season."

"Never underestimate the power of Amazon," Hailey smiled.

"You're the best, Hails, really."

"So I've been told."

Jay rolled his eyes at that comment and the two parted ways, but not before Jay gave her a quick kiss on the cheek when no one was watching.

***

"How's she doing?" Jay whispered to Will as he entered the house.

Will motioned for Jay to follow him since you were sitting on the couch watching tv.

"I turned on the stove and she freaked, man," Will told his brother as soon as they were in Jay's room safely out of earshot of you. "She just like backed into the table and then she went and took a shower and everything was normal after that."

"Still no talking?"

"Not a word."

"Damn."

"She'll come around. She's a Halstead, our stubborn asses don't go down without a fight."

"You're right about that."

"I'm always right, little brother. We just have to wait."

"I don't think I have to tell you that Halsteads don't have a patient bone in their bodies. And, you are not always right. If I recall correctly, you violated a DNR your first year at Med, which was wrong."

"Okay, so I've been wrong sometimes, but I'm right most of the time."

"Shut up. Now get out so I can change."

You were continuing your Survivor binge when you felt the couch dip next to you. You looked up to see Jay. I didn't even know you were home, you scribbled on your whiteboard.

"Just got home about ten minutes ago. I tried to be quiet in case you were sleeping. Hailey got these for you."

He handed you a book and a bag of coffee. How'd she know?

"Mentioned something about you complaining about being out of that coffee and she looked on that one website you use for your books."

Goodreads?

"Yeah, that."

You better keep her. I approve.

"Shut up," Jay joked. "And you better erase that before Will sees."

You erased it just before Will returned, this time carrying a bowl of popcorn. He sat down on the other side of you. "Now, what episode are we on?"

And, you picked up the remote started the next episode.

***

4 weeks since kidnapping

"Coffee, kid?" Jay asked as you sat at the table eating a bagel. You had been up for two hours already and it was only seven am. You nodded at him and he pulled out another mug from the cupboard. "How long have been up? You're looking a little tired."

2 hours you wrote on the whiteboard.

Even though it's been a month and the bruises had disappeared, the burns had turned into scars, and the stitches had been removed, one thing hadn't healed: your will to talk. Everyone around you had been waiting for you to utter a single word, but it hadn't come yet. They'd gotten used to you writing in dry erase marker to communicate.

You had resumed all of your classes online so that you didn't have to go to class. At first, some professors were skeptical that you'd be able to pass the class because of how much time you missed, but when you, Will, and Jay showed up to your university's administrators and your academic advisor to explain the situation accompanied by Voight, they relented. It helped to have the most infamous cop in Chicago on your side.

You put your head in your hands. "Hey, hey." Jay placed a hand on your shoulder and bent down so his eyes were level with yours. You lifed your head. "Everything's gonna be okay. We're gonna get through today and the next and the next. We've made it this far. We've got no choice but to continue," he told you, the last two quotes being something that Mouse had told him when they had both returned from Afghanistan as shells of the men they had previously been.

"And before you question me, I know this because you're coming to the district with me today. And, no, it's not up for discussion."

Okay, but I'm driving myself, you wrote, not in the mood to argue right now.

"Listen, as long as you go, I could care less how you get there."

***

"Morning mini Halstead," Adam said as you entered the district.

"Damn, Ruz. Not running late for once? I'm shocked," Jay joked.

"I'll have you know that I am very punctual."

"Wow, using big boy words," Jay quipped as he punched in the code and then placed his hand on the palm scanner.

"Morning, Jay," Hailey said, giving Jay a kiss once he was settled at his desk.

"Morning, Hails."

Adam made a gagging sound and you smacked him on the chest. Shut up, they're cute, you wrote on your whiteboard.

"Yeah, Adam! Shut up, we're cute!" Jay yelled.

Yes, now everyone knew that Hailey and Jay were a couple. Yes, they had filled out the proper HR forms. No, neither had been fired. Yes, they were still partners. And, no, Will still hadn't given you your fifty bucks. Yes, he had probably forgotten all about the bet you two had made.

"Alright, everyone listen up!" Voight yelled as he came out of his office. "Seeing as everyone wanted to run out early last weekend, you know what day it is. Everyone's favorite: paperwork."

The unit groaned and you just scribbled on your whiteboard. Haha, you have to do big kid homework.

"Yeah, yeah, it's hilarious," Jay replied. "Now, if I'm not mistaken, you've been complaining about a test."

You rolled your eyes and walked into the breakroom, leaving the door open in case they started messing around and you wanted a break.

***

It was nearing eleven when you heard an unfamiliar voice in the bullpen. "Taser recertification day everyone. To testify in court, you need to be tased at least once every year to know the effects."

Taser. Keyes. Pain. Burns. Terrifying. No, Y/N, you can't think that. He's locked up 23 and one. Now, focus on your damn homework.

Which amendments are also known as the Reconstruction amendments?

Buzz

13th, 14th, and 15th amendments.

You heard Kevin grunt. "Bigger they are, the harder they fall."

What are the three clauses in the 13th amendment?

"Who's next?"

"Fine, I'll do it. Not like this hasn't happened before. Just, please do my shoulder. Lord knows I've taken more hits to my pecs and abdomen than I can count."

Yelling and groans of pain...from none other than your brother.

Keyes. Keyes had found you guys and he wanted to finish what he started. Somehow he had gotten in here and stolen the taser and now he had Jay. It was just a matter of time before he found you, too.

There weren't any perfect hiding places in here, but if you moved the couch you might be able to crouch behind it and call for help before he found you. You could call Kelly or Will and tell them to call another precinct to get over here and fix it. Because, if Keyes had gotten in here and gotten his hands on a taser, then the cops in the 21st district precinct obviously couldn't do their jobs.

You got off your chair, staying close to the ground to make it harder for Keyes to spot you. You pulled, moving half of the couch away from the wall.

"What was that?"

Shit, he found you.

You could fit behind there, right? Yeah, yeah you could fit behind there.

"Who moved the couch?"

You hugged your knees to your chest, hearing footsteps coming closer and closer to you, and squeezed your eyes shut.

Someone touched your arm and you uncurled yourself and started kicking. You heard someone moan in pain as you felt your boot-clad foot make contact with someone else. You hoped it was Keyes.

"Stop fighting! Stop fighting!" You felt another person coming closer and closer to you and you swung your arm out, palm making contact with what you assumed to be someone's cheek.

"Y/N! Y/N! It's me, Jay! The person you just slapped is Jay. And the person you kicked is Adam. You're in the district, you're safe."

You opened your eyes and slowly blinked a few times. You saw Jay in front of you holding his hands up in surrender, a red mark on his left cheek. Adam was rubbing his shin and Voight, Hailey, Kevin, and Kim were all standing in the doorway with looks of worry spread across their faces.

Tears began to roll down your cheeks. You couldn't believe you just did that.

Jay nodded to everyone and they left the room, Adam closing the door behind him. You looked down; you couldn't even bear to look at Jay.

"You're okay," he whispered. "Do you know where you are?" You nodded. "Good, that's good. That's really good."

You hugged your knees to your chest once more and frantically shook your head back and forth.

"I know you don't think it's okay, Y/N. But, I forgive you. I know it wasn't you who was doing that. Hell, I know better than anyone else in this unit. I know you're showing PTSD symptoms and that's fine. We just gotta take it day by day."

You finally looked up at him. Your lips began to tremble and your body shook with sobs. It had been a month! This should be over by now! You should be back to normal by now! Why the fuck couldn't you just get over it?

"I know it's hard, I know," Jay whispered. "Can I touch you?"

You nodded and he somehow squeezed himself next to you and wrapped you a hug, letting you cry it all out once more.

Ten minutes had passed and you were sure you had run out of tears when Jay said, "Let's go grab some Oreos from the vending machine downstairs, and then we can get out of here. What do you say?"

You nodded and he helped you to your feet. Then, you put everything in your backpack and walked out of the breakroom.

"You're okay little mama," Kevin said and enveloped you in a hug before you got past his desk. "You're good."

You managed to give him a small smile before you turned to Adam and pulled out your whiteboard.

I'm so sorry.

"It's not that bad, really. Beats getting kicked in the balls on a case any day."

You and Jay were walking down the stairs when you saw Voight. "Give that taser certification guy hell for me, will you?" Jay asked.

He nodded and gave you a pat on the back, Voight's version of a hug.

***

6 weeks since kidnapping

Jay put the finishing touches on your cupcake, complete with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, before sticking the candle in the top. Today was your 21st birthday. He had already made the mimosa you said you wanted to have when you woke up (you had mentioned it 3 months before and he had put it in his calendar to remind himself) and it was sitting in the fridge to keep cold. He grabbed his lighter and walked to your room.

Voight was nice enough to give him and Hailey the day off so they could spend it with you, during the day that was. You had mentioned that you wanted to go out with some friends to a bar, but that was before everything had happened six weeks ago, so he assumed it wasn't on. Nevertheless, he, Hailey, and Will were still on a mission to make this birthday memorable...even if your first drinking experience at a bar would happen at Molly's with your brothers and their friends instead of out at a bar or club with your friends.

He flicked on a lamp when he got to your room and then walked to your bedside, gently shaking your shoulder. "Y/N, wake up."

You rolled over and slowly opened your eyes and rubbed the sleep out of them. Seeing Jay with a cupcake in his hand, you gave him a close-lipped smile.

"Happy, happy birthday. Today's your special day. You just got a cupcake, now blow the flame away. Hey!" Jay sang and then pulled out an orange lighter and flicked it open.

Your eyes grew wide as the flame danced from the lighter and onto the candlewick.

"Make a wish." He held the cupcake closer to you.

"I'll be quiet, I promise!" You scrambled backward and into the furthest corner of your bed away from Jay and the fire he was currently holding towards you.

He hadn't heard you speak in a month and a half, no one had.

Quickly, Jay blew out the candle and pocketed the lighter. Holding his hands up in surrender, he just stared at you as you began to shake in fear.

"Y/N," Jay whispered, still holding his hands to show you that the lighter wasn't in his hands. "I'm not going to hurt you."

You didn't look up. You didn't stop shaking.

He was lying. It was a ploy to get you to talk so that he could burn you longer.

He took a risk and touched your arm and you yanked it away, expecting it to burn. "I'll be quiet, I promise!" you repeated.

"Y/N, it's Jay. Do you know where you are?" He flicked on the light, hoping that would help.

No answer.

"You're in Chicago. You're at home. It's your birthday. Keyes isn't going to burn you, I promise."

At the mention of Keyes and burns, you swatted at the air, hoping that you could knock the lighter out of Keyes' hand when he didn't have it flicked open.

"Okay, noted," Jay muttered to himself. He had never seen you this bad before, not right after the attack, not after the nightmare, hell not even after the taser recertification incident. You had never shaken in fear during any of those occurrences when your triggers made a surprise appearance.

But then, he put two and two together: him being taken away from you, you never being burned when he was there and then having burns when they rescued you, jumping when anyone turned on the stove, and now freaking out when he pulled out a lighter and lit a candle for you on your birthday, you not talking and promising to be quiet after he pulled out a lighter and moved the cupcake towards you. It all made sense now.

"Hey, I'll be right back, okay?" he told you, even though he knew you weren't able to hear him.

Jay made his way to his room and pulled out his gray weighted blanket. Then, he walked back into your room. You were only in your bra and underwear when you were with Keyes, so maybe having something else covering your body, despite the fact that you were currently fully clothed right now, would help.

Something soft and heavy landed on your legs. It didn't feel like Keyes was on top of you. It felt more comforting, calming, warm like you had more clothes on. Maybe Jay had somehow gotten his shirt back and had given it to you to keep you warm in this basement.

Wait, where did that lamp come from? There was only one lightbulb in here the last time you checked. And, why did it feel like you were sitting on something comfortable like a couch or a bed instead of on a cold, hard concrete floor?

Why was Jay standing up and not chained or tied to the wall? How did his face heal from the bruising so fast? Why was he wearing his pajamas?

Wait a minute, was that Jay's weighted blanket in your lap? And, was that your desk in the corner?

Jay noticed you looking around the room. "Do you know where you are now?" You nodded. "You know you're safe and in your room, right?" You nodded again, then took a deep breath and stretched out your legs, and moved forward, removing yourself from the corner and moving closer to Jay. "Do you still want your cupcake?"

You nodded and he handed it to you. "Are you okay going to see Dr. Charles today? I know you already had an appointment this week, but I think it might be good if you saw him again after what just happened." You nodded, agreeing with him. "You mind if Hailey comes over and stays with you? I gotta get ready and take care of something."

You gave him a thumbs up and he went to call Hailey while you sat in bed and tried to forget about the episode you just had by enjoying your cupcake.

***

"Halstead, what are you doing here?" Casey asked as Jay entered the firehouse after Hailey came over to stay with you.

"Oh thank God you guys are on shift. Severide here?" Jay asked.

"Yeah, in his office. Anything going on that I should know about?"

"Not really, I think I know why Y/N doesn't like fire though and I need the evidence pictures from the arson from when we were kidnapped to make sure I got it all straight."

Jay knocked on the door to Kelly's office and he looked up and waved him in.

"Jay, what are you doing here? Isn't it Y/N's birthday?" he asked, turning his chair around so he was now facing Jay instead of his desk.

"That's kinda why I'm here. She had an episode this morning when I gave her a cupcake. I tried to light the candle and then she flipped out and yelled I'll be quiet, I promise."

"She's talking?"

"All she did was repeat that sentence. The minute she saw the lighter and when the flame got close to her face, she freaked. So, I know this going to sound crazy, but is there any chance you found a small handheld lighter when you investigated the arson?"

"Let me see..." Kelly unlocked his filing cabinet and flipped through it, looking for the evidence file Jay had requested. "Here it is."

He laid the folder on the desk and Jay leaned over. He clenched his teeth as Kelly opened the folder, seeing the basement he was held captive in once more, even if it was covered in ash.

"Wait a minute, it's barely in the frame, but there's the end of the lighter. Let me friend the file on my computer and I can zoom in on it," Kelly suggested.

The clacking of keys could be heard as Kelly found the file and opened it, quickly finding the correct picture and pressing a few keys to zoom in on it.

"Oh, God," Jay whispered.

"What? What is it?"

"That lighter, it's the same color as the one I used to light Y/N's candle this morning. No wonder she freaked out."

"But why would she keep saying she'd be quiet?"

Jay nodded, pulling up a chair and sitting next to him. His eyes widened. He hadn't seen you get burned when he was with you, but what if that's what happened to you when they did the drop?

"Any way you can print that zoomed-in image out for me? I gotta get to Med."

"I can do that."

Kelly printed the picture and handed it to Jay. "Thanks, man. I'll get you a round at Molly's." Then, he quickly left and sped off to med, putting the pieces together.

***

Will was just walking out a treatment room, rubbing hand sanitizer in his hands, when a very determined Jay walked through the ED doors. "April, you mind charting the next patient? Jay's here and with that look on his face, well he's not gonna leave until he gets what he wants."

"Yeah, no problem. Good luck."

"Thanks." Will rolled his eyes.

"Will! Will I need to ask you something and you can't blow me off about this or claim patient confidentiality or some other legal bullshit."

"Legal bullshit? You're the cop here buddy, I'd expect you to care about the law more."

"Whatever, just is there some place we can talk?"

"Jay, I'm working. Can't this--"

"It's about Y/N," Jay blurted, knowing that that would most definitely get his older brother's attention.

"Okay, c'mon."

Will led the way to his office and once inside closed the door. "What's going on? What's so important about Y/N that you came to talk to me during my shift, not about a case, and left Y/N home alone on her birthday?"

"One, she's not home alone. Hailey's with her. And two, it's because I think I know how she got those burns."

"Fire, Jay. She got those burns from fire."

"I know that, smart ass. I mean, I think I know exactly how she got the burns." He laid the photo down on the desk. "That, that's a lighter. Now, if I remember correctly, first-degree burns are the worst because the fire directly hit the skin. Could that lighter have been the cause of her burns?"

Will typed away on his computer, pulling up the pictures of your burns, and looked closely at them, switching his attention from the picture of your burns to the evidence picture with the lighter. "But that's impossible," Will muttered. If the fire started at the floor and went to the walls, you'd either have burns on your feet and legs and/or on the left side of your body. But, you had them on both arms, your stomach, and your collarbone. And, the fire hadn't gotten high enough to be able to burn your upper body. "Unless..."

"Unless what, Will?"

"It's impossible to get these burns just from a burning building from the trajectory of the fire and the location of the burns. But, judging by the location and the severity of her burns, these most likely were made by Keyes holding the lighter to her, for longer than a few seconds. He had to have the lighter to her collarbone and stomach the longest, just by how bad those two are."

"You're sure?"

"I'm pretty damn sure, Jay. But, the only person who can tell if us if we're actually right, is Y/N. And, I don't think she's gonna wanna talk about this."

"Can you make her an emergency appointment with Dr. Charles?" Jay asked. "And, can you make sure you're there during the appointment, too?"

"What, why?"

"She had an episode this morning when I gave her a cupcake to wake up. I went to light the candle, she saw my lighter and the flame and flipped out. Then, she said that she promises to be quiet. You don't think- you don't think she burned her for talking do you?"

Will closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. It all made sense: the not talking, the jumping when he turned on the stove, freaking out when Jay lit a candle.

"Based on what she's done, it makes sense. But, I'll consult with Dr. Charles before the appointment to tell him what's going on."

"Thanks, man. Bring those pictures to him, too."

Then, Jay left the office, thinking that between two of them and Kelly, that they had solved the mystery of why you hadn't talked in a month and a half.

***

You walked into Dr. Charles' office very confused to say the least. Hailey was waiting outside, but Jay and Will insisted on coming with you to this appointment; you just chalked it up to them being more worried about you than usual.

But, as you sat between your brothers on the long couch with Dr. Charles seated in the chair in front of you, you got a pit in your stomach. This felt more like an intervention.

"Y/N," Dr. Charles started, "Are you okay if your brothers sit in on this one? Or do you want them to leave?"

You pulled out your whiteboard. I'm just wondering why they're here with me in the first place. I know this morning was bad, but I didn't think it was that bad.

"You know, that's a very good question and I'm really glad you asked that. Jay, would you like to tell Y/N where you went earlier today?"

You turned to Jay expectantly. "I went to see Kelly and I asked him to show me the crime scene photos from Keyes' place."

At the mention of Keyes, you tensed up. Will squeezed your shoulder. "Y/N, remember those relaxation techniques I taught you?" Dr. Charles asked. You nodded. "How about you try one right now."

You closed your eyes and pictured a beach, the waves crashing against the shore, the feeling of sand between your toes. You walked closer to the water's edge and felt the coolness of the freshwater, whisking the sand from between your toes away. You felt the sun on your face and squinted your eyes against the brightness of the day.

"Better?" Dr. Charles asked as he noticed your breathing had become slower and most of the tension had left your body. You nodded. "Go to the beach again?" You nodded in confirmation again. "Good, I can tell it's a place that really relaxes you. Are you okay for Jay to continue?"

You turned to Jay, hoping that was answer enough. And it was because he continued explaining why he needed the crime scene photos. "I knew that there was a possibility that Keyes' could've been the one to burn you, but I didn't know. So, I went to Kelly to see if there was a lighter in any of the crime scene photos. There was, an orange one to be exact."

Keyes flicked the orange lighter open, playing with the flame and letting it move in between his fingers.

"Y/N, the beach, remember the beach," Dr. Charles prompted, bringing you back to the present moment after you took a few deep breaths while thinking of the fresh smell of the water and the sand.

Jay looked at you, silently asking if it was okay to continue. When you nodded, he started once more. "So, I saw that and I remembered that you'd promised to be quiet this morning. I came to Med to talk to Will, and between the two of us, well we figured out that he'd burned you, Y/N."

Your eyes filled with tears at the memories of how terrified you had been. You were so sure you were going to die that day.

"Did he play some sort of sick, twisted game with you, Y/N?" Will asked.

You looked down as your lip began to quiver. He had, you wanted to say, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. He told me that if I talked he'd hold the lighter there longer and that's why the ones on my stomach and my collarbone are the worst and the one on my thigh isn't as bad because he said I was learning the game. That was what you wanted to say at least, but you couldn't even part your lips.

Dr. Charles handed you a bottle of water and you took it from him, feeling the coolness in your hands, a reminder that fire was nowhere near you at the moment. "Y/N I think he burned you if you talked, is that it? Just nod your head yes or no, you don't have to talk or write if you don't want to. You are the one in control here. And, if you don't want to tell us if he burned you for talking or what the game was, that's fine, too."

You moved your head up and down once, confirming both of your brothers' worst fear: Keyes had burned you for talking.

Jay wanted to speed all the way to Stateville Prison and burn that son of a bitch Derek Keyes for what he did to you. But, somehow, he kept his cool and just looked at you with soft eyes and grabbed your hand.

"Y/N, I have something I want to try," Dr. Charles started, "I've already told Jay and Will about it just so that they won't freak out, but whether or not you actually want to try it, that's all up to you. We do whatever you want to do."

You looked up at Dr. Charles with glassy eyes.

"There's this therapy called in vivo exposure therapy, nicknamed flooding. What happens is, we take the patient's biggest fear, in your case that would be fire and talking, and we bring it out in the open, exposing you to your biggest fear in a safe and secure environment. The logic behind this is that the anxiety and adrenaline only last for a certain amount of time and once those drop, you realize that your fear of this was unwarranted."

What would it entail? you wrote.

"What would happen is that either Jay, Will, or I would hold an open lighter near you."

You frantically shook your head no and leaned more into Will.

"Okay, then we won't--"

"Listen, Y/N," Will started. "You are in a safe environment. We will not let anything happen to you. Ever. You gotta believe us on that. We just wanna hear you talk again. Let us help you. Let me help you. You will be safe the entire time and if you want me and Jay to sit on either side of you, like we're doing now, while Dr. Charles holds the lighter, we can do that. Isn't that right, Jay?"

"He's absolutely right, kid. We'll be right here the entire time."

You grabbed your whiteboard and took a deep breath. And you promise this will work? You promise there will be a drop in my anxiety at some point?

"I think that there's a very high chance that will work. And, I can promise you that there will be a drop in your anxiety during this because there always is a drop. If we got anxiety and then that fight or flight instinct didn't leave, well life would be scary all the time. And that's just not how life works," Dr. Charles answered.

Okay, you wrote. We can do it.

"Do you want me or one of them to hold it?"

You pointed to Dr. Charles.

What relaxation technique should I use to calm myself down?

"I'd recommend using the body scan because it takes the longest, but you can use whatever technique you want."

You nodded and closed your eyes.

"You ready?"

You nodded once again and Will wrapped his arm around your shoulder in the protective-oldest-brother-way he always had and Jay gave your hand a squeeze, silently reassuring you that everything would be okay.

"Start by relaxing your feet now, so that you're that you're in the right headspace."

You clenched and unclenched your toes, taking slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, relaxing your toes one by one and focusing only on those sensations.

You heard the lighter flick open before you felt it. But when you felt it, it was near your face.

The smell of blood pierced your nostrils, whether it was yours or Jay's you had no idea. You were being held by one of Keyes' associates, his arm strongly wrapped around your shoulder. This time, you weren't hanging from the ceiling, but your arms were chained to the sides of you. Part of the chain laid in your right hand and it felt so heavy that you thought your hand was going to fall off.

He was saving the best for last, he was going to burn your face and let you burn from top-down. The fire would start at your cheek, move up to your nose, and then your eyes. You didn't want to even think about how much pain you'd feel when it hit your eyes. But, maybe you'll have passed out from shock, fear, or exhaustion by that point. You hoped you would.

Salty tears made your way down your face as you realized that this was it. You'd never see your brothers or your best friend again. You'd never graduate college. You'd never get to pick out the perfect wedding dress and walk down the aisle to marry the love of your life. Your last moments would be spent being burned alive in a basement, hoping against hope that someone would get here fast enough to rescue you. And, even though you knew Jay's unit was fast and wouldn't stop until you were safe, your hope was quickly fading.

"Any last words?"

"Please, please, no! I'll do anything! Anything!" you yelled, tugging on the chains.

But, he didn't burn your cheek for talking. Keyes broke the rules of his own game.

This was bad. It was just going to be worse for you. Your chest started moving up and down, trying to pass out from hyperventilation as fast as possible.

"Focus on your feet. Move the relaxation to your feet."

Who was that? It sounded like Dr. Charles.

"Relax, relax, relax."

Will was here, too?

But, whatever the reason, you focused on relaxing your feet. Maybe it would make dying easier.

The lighter hadn't moved closer to face as you made your way up your legs and relaxed your knees. Was Keyes going to burn you? Or, was he going to let you go?

"If you're gonna kill me, Keyes, then just do it!"

No answer.

You slowed your breath even more.

If Keyes didn't answer, that meant that he wasn't here. That meant, it was only fire. And, without Keyes to hold the fire. Fire couldn't hurt you. It couldn't hurt you.

"It can't hurt me. It can't hurt me," you whispered to yourself.

You dropped your head and shoulders and started to pant as the adrenaline wore off. Slowly you opened your eyes. "It can't hurt me," you said so that everyone in the room could hear.

Dr. Charles flicked the lighter closed.

You looked at each of your brothers. The person who you thought was Keyes' associate was just Will with his arm around you. And, what you had thought was part of the chain in your hand, was just Jay squeezing your hand.

"Thank you," you said to all three of them.

You turned to Will, to see him crying. "Why are you crying?" You turned and saw that Jay had tears in his eyes, too.

"I know the statistics of coming back from something like that, Y/N, of talking again. And I was scared- I was scared that you wouldn't come back from it."

"Hey, you're okay. We're okay," you repeated something that everyone has been telling you the past weeks.

You turned to Jay, knowing that this needed to be said. "And, Jay?" He looked you directly in the eyes. "I forgive you."

And that was all it took for a stray tear to roll down his cheek and for him to pull you into a hug. "I love you kid, you know that?"

"I love you, too. Both of you. Thanks for not giving up on me."

"Not a chance in hell," Will told you.

"Now, what do you say we go grab that mimosa?" Jay suggested.

"Yeah, let's do that."

The three of you said goodbye to Dr. Charles and left his office, meeting Hailey in the hallway. "I never got a chance to properly thank you for the book and coffee, Hailey, so thank you."

A smile grew on Hailey's face. "You're welcome." Then, she turned to Jay. "I told you she'd come around."

"You were right, babe...as always." Jay grabbed Hailey's hand in his and interlocked their fingers. "Think you can get someone to cover your shift, Will? Come out with us for some good old-fashioned brunch and day-drinking?"

"I think I might be able to manage that. Text me the place and I'll meet you there."

He started to walk away, on a mission to get someone to cover for him, when you remembered something. "Will, you owe me fifty bucks!"

#jay halstead #will halstead #hailey upton #chicago pd #chicago med #one chicago #kelly severide #chicago pd imagine #chicago med imagine #imagine #fanfiction #fanfic #halstead sister #halstead sister imagine #halstead brothers #halstead bros #halstead brothers imagine

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yyxgin · 3 years

Text

LO-FI CHILDREN — YANG JEONGIN

pairing: childhood best friend! yang jeongin x fem! reader genre: coming of age (??), best friends to lovers au, kind of slow-burn, fluff, a tiny bit of angst word count: 9.5 k warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, a lot of internal angsty monologue

YOUNGBLOOD DRABBLES

synopsis: your last two weeks before the end of summer break bring you a new sense of anxiety as you fear losing everything you’re used to.

“THROUGH HEAVEN AND HIGH WATER.”

Light shade falls into the space of Jeongin’s room, the room you’ve spent most of your days in the past three years of high school, the room you’ve made most of your high school memories at, while you sigh heavily at the thought of leaving next week and not having the comfort of coming back to it every day after school. The room has memories everywhere you look - from the polaroids you cheesily gifted your friend on his last birthday in a cute shoe box, from which he took them out and stuck them to the wall beside his bed, as if he wanted the comfort of looking at them the last moment before going to sleep and the first moment of waking up in the morning - to the medals from useless school competitions on his bulletin board on the opposite wall, to which you accompanied him every single time. You mourn at the feeling of losing something, even though in reality, it’s not your best friend you’re losing. It’s the routine you’re going to miss.

“I’m gonna miss your room, Jeongin,” you snicker, seeing your best friend playfully glare at you with a pained look on his face he pulls out every time you tease him for something.

“Woah, one would think you’d miss me out of everything, but yeah, I get it, my room plays a much more important role in your life than my presence itself,” rolls his eyes the dimpled boy, causing you to snicker. Of course you’re going to miss him. You’re going to miss everything from his playful teasing to his caring nature he showed to you rarely, and when he did, it was disguised in a form of short glances and noisy questions.

“I just don’t like the idea of coming home from school and not having the comfort of your room right when I need it,” you giggle, shrugging. It was his presence in the room that you’re going to miss the most, though. But you weren’t cheesy like that to say it to his face out loud. Maybe if you didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be true. As if you didn’t want to admit it to the world. If you don’t say it, it doesn’t exist. That’s how it works, right?

“You’re going to have the comfort of your new college dorm room, and that is just as good. If not better,” grins Jeongin, and in a sense, he’s right. Your college is just what you’ve always dreamed of, from the literature major you’ve chosen long time ago to the way dorms just look way more comfortable than your own, small room at your house. You bet the college is filled with educated and smart people you’ve always wanted to accompany yourself with, from the cool hipster girls you’ve only read about in your young adult books to smart guys with cute rounded glasses and alternative rock music playing in their headphones. It’s everything you dreamed of and more. And you got in. That’s the path you’ve chosen for yourself in your life. You think you made the right decision. It definitely feels right to you.

The only thing that feels wrong is that Jeongin is no longer going to be by your side every day of your boring life. Yang Jeongin has always been there for you. Every single day of your high school experience, every single day of your growing up. He was there when you got your first goldfish and he was there when you had to flush it down the toilet after forgetting to feed it for a few days. He was there when you cried on pepero day, because your poor self got no snacks when you were ten, making him share his sweets with you and tickling you until you cried of laughter, because that was his only way of cheering you up at that time. He watched you grow. And you watched him grow. You were like two trees in a garden, roots intertwined, because they grew at the same place. You shared your childhood with him. But now, the branches of each of your trees were growing apart, and you didn’t like the fact that you’re no longer going to grow side by side.

“But you’re not going to be in my college room, Jeong,” you snicker casually, as if to not show your vulnerable side to him now, when the reality is closer than ever and the day of your departure feels the realest it ever did.

“At least I won’t be there to annoy you anymore,” he grins, but there’s something behind his words and not so sparkly eyes that you understand all too very well. He doesn’t want to say goodbye. And neither do you. You both know the day will once come that you have to say the hurtful words, but the day was not today. So you’ll both just act like you don’t think about it every second of your miserable summer days, until the day comes and you can finally let it all out.

“I like your annoying, though,” you smirk, already missing the way he would always tease you about your good grades or when you foolishly got pouty over the smallest things, “life is boring without all your drama.”

“It’s not drama, excuse me? We have Hyunjin for that,” he giggles at the thought of his older friend who graduated just a year ago. You haven’t seen him in a while either. The fact that all your older friends left the town for college and came back only for holidays made you sick to your stomach, because that’s what you’re going to do now. With no contact with your small hometown and your childhood friends, with no contact with your family other than video calls and visiting them on their birthdays. What if the unbreakable bond you had with them breaks? What if you no longer feel like you belong to the small town when you come back one day? You feel like that would crush you the most. Not feeling like at home anymore.

“Whatever you say, Jeongin,” you mumble, coming closer to him and throwing yourself at his body laying on the bed. It’s nothing unusual for the two of you, considering you were called the biggest cuddlebug right after your friend Felix, but something about the gesture feels like you’re hugging him one of the last times in a long time. But this isn’t your last opportunity, so why does it feel like one?

His arms automatically hold you around the waist, your nose nuzzling into his neck. The smell of your best friend is all too familiar to you, and the softness of his bedsheets feels like coming home. You wonder if you’ll be able to get that feeling in your new dorm room, telling yourself that you’ll probably have to wash your sheets with the same fabric softener to feel like that again. You feel his heartbeat under you, your heart swelling at the giggle that escapes his lips when you shuffle a little on top of him to get yourself to a more comfortable position. Your head ends up at his chest, legs intertwined like the roots of the trees in his backyard, rosy cheeks reminding you of the heat of the summer that’s currently creeping on you outside of the house. It reminds you of the last week of summer. The last week you have with your best friend by your side.

“Why couldn’t you just choose the same college as me?” you ask, lips pouty. You know it’s a selfish question. You know Jeongin could probably ask you the same, but he wouldn’t. Because it seems he is much more accepting of the situation than you are. Jeongin has always been the more reasonable between the two of you.

“Because I don’t like literature.” he laughs under you, making your whole body shake with the impact.

“And? There are plenty of majors to choose from, at least we’d still be studying in the same building.” you mumble. You silently curse at yourself for sounding so needy and desperate. But the truth is, Jeongin is the only thing you are sure of in your life. And you aren’t ready for the feeling of security to go away.

“But there’s no acting major there.” he says, smoothing your back to relax your tense muscles. Does he realise how hard it is for you? Probably yes. He knows you like the back of his hand.

You bite on the chapped skin of your lips for a while, sighing. “I know. Sorry,” you say, voice low and defeated, “I shouldn’t be acting like this. It’s just…” you mumble, not being able to say it. You can’t say you’re going to miss him, because that would make it true.

“I know,” he sighs, poking your sides a little with his pointer finger, tickling you, reminding you of the way he used to do it when you were nine and he didn’t know how to talk about feelings yet, cutting off your sentence with an unspoken sense of understatement, “but the fact that we’re going to different college doesn’t change anything in our friendship, you know that, right?”

“Of course,” you hurriedly nod, looking into his eyes with sincerity, “I know. You can’t just earease our whole childhood with one stupid college.”

“Right,” he giggles, lightening up at the sight of your smile. It does look a little sad, but it’s enough for him. It’s the sign that you’re at least trying to look at it from the brighter side. “I’m always going to be the one to annoy you.”

“Right.” you nod, grinning, “nobody will ever take your place.”

“Nobody on this whole entire world,” he smirks, “not even a lanky indie boy with a book in his hand you dream of so bad, right?”

You laugh at his remark, shaking your head. “Not a chance.”

“Tell me, why exactly do you choose to water your plants at night?” giggles Jeongin at your figure pacing around your tiny room with a glass of water in your hand, because you didn’t manage to buy yourself a proper watering can in the long five years of owning the beautiful greenery. You turned to taking care of plants and flowers after the disaster that was your first and only goldfish, because it seemed like much less work than to look after an animal, but you always forgot to water your plants when you were supposed to and only came to think of it at late nights full of overthinking, when your legs hurriedly shot up and you turned to water the poor creatures so you wouldn’t forget about it in the morning.

“They like it that way,” you say instead, grinning at your stupid excuse, “and be quiet, my parents are already sleeping and I don’t need my mum to come here and shout at me again like the last time.”

This was probably your last sleepover of this year. You had sleepovers at each other’s places quite often, but you chose your room as the destination 9 out of 10 times, because Jeongin had siblings and it was easier to have some privacy at your house, considering you were an only child.

“Right, right,” he whisper-shouts and puts a hand over his mouth in a poor attempt to muffle his giggling. The memory of your mother with baby pink hair-curlers comes into your mind, the image of her shouting at the two of you to shut up because she has to go to work the next morning appearing much more funnier in the late hours of night than it originally was. She told you you two weren’t allowed to have any more sleepovers that night, but you both knew that was just a meaningless threat just so you two would be quiet already, because truth be told, sometimes you felt like she liked your best friend more than she liked her own daughter.

“So,” you shigh out as you plop to the bed next to him, the two of you passing the stage of one of you sleeping in a sleeping bag at the floor long, long time ago, “what were we talking about?”

“Oh, that,” he lights up at the mention of the previous topic of your conversation, sitting up so he is now resting his back against the wall next to your bed, glancing at your figure lazily lying next to him, “my parents are going away on the last saturday of the summer. And they're taking my siblings with them.”

You sigh again, knowing damn well where the conversation is going already. “And?”

“And the two of us are leaving on sunday. So that means…” he trails off, wanting you to finish his sentence like you always used to with his stupid ideas.

“That means…?” you act stupid, not really fond of his idea this time.

“That means I can throw my last high school house party!” he cheers, hands up in the air in a winning gesture, making you roll your eyes at him.

“You mean your first and last high school house party?”

“Exactly,” he nods with a big grin on his face, the proudness of finally being able to do that overflowing on his features, but it disappears soon as he notices you don’t mirror his happy expression and look uninterested instead.

“Hey, why aren’t you excited?” he asks, brows furrowed.

“It’s a stupid idea,” you shrug, simply looking away from your best friend gazing at you from under his long eyelashes, looking around your room instead, as if you didn’t know every single centimeter of it by heart already.

“Why do you think so? It’s not. And it’s also the last time I can invite all of our friends to hang out before they leave for college as well,” he says, thinking of all of your older friends that left for college before you and whom you dearly missed every single day of high school, because it wasn’t the same without your big group.

The 9-member friend group started slowly getting smaller and smaller once Chan and Minho graduated. Changbin graduated a year after that, leaving you with a 6-member friend group, which was still bearable and your table was still the loudest one at lunch, but after Felix, Seungmin, Hyunjin and Jisung graduated, the school halls became empty with only the two of you - the youngest ones of the group, remaining in high school. At least you still had each other. You really don’t know what you’d do without Jeongin by your side.

“Your mum would be mad if she found out,” you mumble, not meeting his eyes.

“And? She can’t stay mad at me for long when I’m leaving on sunday, she’ll get over it.” he shrugs, “come on, Y/N, I’m only gonna invite the nine of us, if it bothers you so much.”

“I just… I don’t know,” you sigh, finally meeting his eyes, “I don’t feel like throwing a party.”

“Stop being so melodramatic already,” teases you Jeongin, but you see something behind his eyes shift at your saddened expression. Is it really that hard for you? He hoped a party would surely cheer you up and make you forget about having to leave at least for one evening. He would be fine without a party, for sure, but he thought seeing your friends one last time would be good for you. He teases you, but you know what he means by his words. He wants you to stop being melodramatic, because he wants you to be happy. You’re not a bother to him when you’re sad, he just likes your smile much better than your frown. Because your smile, at least, doesn’t break his heart.

“Fine,” you sigh out after a while spent by a staring contest with your best friend trying to cheer you up by putting on silly expressions, “but only if you invite the 9 of us only.”

“Of course,” he nods with a grin, finally settling next to you on your bed and hugging you around the waist so you can cuddle up to him safely. He was rarely the one to initiate the cuddling between the two of you, but recently, he knows you need his cuddles more and more. Perhaps he feels like he’ll miss them too.

You huff out when he lands next to you, securing your hands around his on your waist, looking up to the ceiling. You’re not so fond of the idea of a party. Sure, it would be great to meet all your friends before leaving to all go your own ways a day later, but the idea of spending time with someone just to lose them the next week, in a way, makes you feel kind of sad.

You also wish you could just spend your last days with Jeongin. You’re acting like a clingy girlfriend, and you’re very much aware of that, but you can’t help it. You’ve spent all your days with Jeongin and nobody else last year. You share a special bond with him. You feel like once he’s not only one call or a 10 minute walk to his house away, something will be missing inside of you. It’s silly.

But can anyone really blame you?

“I wanna do something spontaneous before the summer ends,” you mourn out, sitting at the front porch of Jeongin’s house, the darkness of the summer night enveloping you like a warm blanket. You were supposed to be home a long time ago, but you guess your mother doesn’t really care where you are as long as she knows you’re with Jeongin. That, and you also heard her calling Jeongin’s mum a little while ago when you didn’t arrive home before your curfew, being notified by Mrs Yang that you may be staying over tonight. Actually, you had no idea if you’re staying over. You had no idea where this night was taking you. You just knew you felt empty, you felt bored. As if the summer was wasted.

“Like what?” asks Jeongin, kicking a rock under his black shoe, watching it bounce away from the front porch, glancing up at you right after.

“I don’t know. Like… dye my hair blue or something,” you laugh out, looking at him, “I just wanna do something, you know?” you snicker.

“Let’s do it, then,” he grins at you, standing up from his position next to you on the stairs and reaching out a hand for you to take.

“Let’s do what?”

“Let’s dye your hair blue,” he shrugs, looking at you with sparkling eyes, the lampposts behind his head making him look as if he had a halo around his head.

“Oh hell no, that was a joke,” you laugh out, shaking your head in disapproval.

“Yeah, and the mourning about wanting blue hair for the past two months was a joke as well, right?” grins Jeongin, still standing at his place with an out-stretched hand to you, “let’s go!”

“Let’s go where? We don’t even have dye and I can’t dye my hair on my own, and I’m enrolling in college on monday, I can’t show up with a blue head!” you mourn out, but giggle nonetheless, finding the idea amusing in a way.

“That’s not a problem, we can get that box dye in the convenience store. And I bet all the tall lanky literature major boys will fall on their asses when they see a cute girl with blue hair on their first day of college,” says Jeongin and forcefully makes you stand up on your own two feet, taking you by surprise by his compliment.

“Yeah, watch me fuck it all up and look like a sad blueberry on my first day of college,” you giggle, but follow his steps that are most likely heading to the convenience store.

“I will do it for you, you know I’m an expert at hair dye,” laughs out Jeongin, making you crack up at his comment.

“Jeong, bleaching your head once in eighth grade doesn’t count for being an expert at hair dye and you know that.” you roll your eyes, but still follow his footsteps with your hand in his, swinging your hands forward and backward like little children on a playground play-dating for the first time.

“As far as I’m concerned, it surely does.”

“It didn’t even look good in the first place, how am I supposed to trust you with my hair?” you laugh, seeing his playfully hurt expression accompanied by a dramatic gasp worth of Hwang Hyunjin himself.

“You told me it looked good back then!” he pouts.

“And I lied.” you shrug, “things like that happen.”

“This is such a bad idea, Jeongin, I will throw up, I swear to god-”

“Oh my god, chill, woman, it’s going perfectly fine!” giggles Jeongin and shows the glass of cheap wine you bought along-side with your box dye in the convenience store almost half an hour ago to your face with his hand dirty from the blue dye.

“You’re just saying that because you’re drunk.” you roll your eyes and drink the bitter liquid nonetheless, thinking that if it’s going to turn out horribly, at least you won’t register it at first if you’re drunk enough to not notice it.

“I’m not drunk,” giggles Jeongin as he smears another blob of hair dye onto the roots of your hair, “just a little tipsy.”

“Oh no,” you laugh out, knowing damn well Jeongin’s ‘just a little tipsy’ means ‘I can hardly know which one is you because I am seeing you twice’.

You two are currently sitting in his bathroom, you with your back turned to the mirror so you don’t have to see the disaster that is currently happening on your head, much better to Jeongin, because the light shines from that side and he can see what he’s doing better this way. It’s 2 in the morning and the cheap wine is starting to taste better after every gulp and truth be told, neither of you drink much and you only decided to do so tonight, because Jeongin kept whining about how he hasn’t used his ID to buy alcohol yet and he is now legally allowed to do so. You bought cheap wine, but forgot to buy plastic gloves, though. At least your hair isn’t going to be the only blue mess left when you wake up in the morning and Jeongin will pay for your spontaneous idea as well. With his stained hands, and his stained t-shirt too.

“Stop moving around, you’re making it difficult,” laughs Jeongin, praying in his head his mother doesn’t wake up and chime in to the bathroom to see the disaster happening, because even though he is a legal adult, he is one hudred percent sure she’ll confusticate his cheap wine and wash off your blue hair dye before it even has the chance to work.

“Are you sure it’s me moving or is it your head that’s spinning?” you giggle, finishing the glass of wine and putting it on the floor while your best friend’s hands are still in your head, your movement causing him to spread some hair dye all over your forehead. “Oh my god it’s in my eyes!” you laugh out, quickly shutting them so they won’t burn.

“No it’s not, you stupid, you just have it all over your forehead,” he grins and continues working, threading his fingers through your locks, your body leaning forward to the head of the chair he stole from the kitchen, relaxing.

“That feels good,” you mumble, noticing the way your sentence might sound a little weird in his ears and feeling your cheeks burn up instantly. You really do sound stupid sometimes, don’t you?

“What does?” he furrows his brows at you, clueless.

“You playing with my hair,” you confess, laughing a little to ease the tension you feel.

“Oh, does it?” he smirks, scratching a little at your scalp, earning a little whine from your lips that makes him giggle. “And we’re done!” he smiles as he stops, taking a step back to admire your blue, messily covered head.

“And now we wait,” you giggle, hearing him washing his hands in the sink, even though it doesn’t help him drown out the blue that is now on his hands for the time being.

“Look, we’re in this together,” he giggles, showing you his stained hands as he puts a plastic bag over your hair to make the dye work better, stopping in front of you and gazing into your eyes with his, slightly hazy ones due to the wine you both drank.

You snort at his comment, but continue to stare into his eyes. You notice how they sparkle, even though it may be due to the alcohol, but it still makes your heart flutter with the image of them that just seem so love-struck at the moment. Something inside of you wished he would look at you like that all the time. Like you held the world in your hands. Like you were the most important thing in his universe.

He breaks away the gaze just to poke your cheeks and get out a little laugh, turning away and taking a seat on the hard floor, against the bathtub, with his phone in his hands.

“I’m gonna set the timer so we don’t forget about that,” he informs you, seeing you nod.

“I doubt we’d forget though, I mean, I have a ridiculous amount of box dye on my head and it burns a little, so…”

“We had two glasses of wine, Y/N, everything’s possible at this point.” he snorts, finally looking back at you after setting his phone on the floor next to him, shooting you the look of admiration you experienced a minute ago once again, making you shy away from his eyes.

A comfortable silence overtakes the room, making you wonder how you even ended up in this position. The feeling of wanting to do something exciting overtook all your senses. It wasn’t like you to do such spontaneous things. Perhaps something inside of you just wanted to see how change feels for the first time. Perhaps your mind wanted to get used to the feeling of something new first, before having to experience the biggest change on monday.

This change felt good. Kind of exciting. But you’re not quite sure how leaving and changing the place you call home will feel next week. You bet it wouldn’t feel the same.

“Thank you, Jeongin,” you mumble after a while, locking eyes with the black-haired boy sitting on the floor.

“For what? For ruining your hair?” he giggles, his dimples on full display.

“No,” you roll your eyes, suddenly feeling sentimental, “for being my friend, you know? I know I’ve been a little annoying these past days, but I am just scared to leave, that’s all.”

You see him nod at you, smiling to himself. “I know. It’s okay,” he says, “but you don’t have to be scared. You’ll do great. I mean, you were the top student of our class. And you’re like, really smart, you know. There’s nothing to be worried about.”

You hum in response, nodding at his comment. He was right. But that wasn’t exactly the reasoning behind your silent worries. It wasn’t about your grades dropping or about you not being good enough. Truth be told, you never even thought about that. There was a deeper sense to your worries, but at the same time, they felt more silly than the ones Jeongin thinks live inside that head of yours.

You’re scared to leave your town. Your family. What if you don’t find any friends in your new college? What if you’re left alone? Alone turns to lonely really quickly, and there's nothing in this world you fear more than loneliness.

For the past year, you had no one else but Jeongin. With all your friends away, it was easy to get lonely. But Jeongin was always by your side. He never even gave you a chance to feel that way. Not once did you have a noisy thought in your brain that would make you feel like you have to be scared of being alone this past year.

But without Jeongin by your side, you’re sure you’ll feel it. The loneliness. You’ll feel lonely without his constant teasing. Without his honest eyes, without his bright smile. You’ll miss your best friend so much that it hurts you already.

What if he forgets all about you? What if you’ll grow apart completely? What if the branches of your trees won’t touch anymore, what if the bond you have will break? What will you do without his calls? Without his presence in your life?

You worry about that the most. Losing him to the distance. But you’ll never say it out loud to him. Not when the end is near.

And so you just smile and nod, humming in response. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

And with that, the alarm on his phone rings, signaling for you to wash the hair dye off, praying it doesn’t look like such a disaster as you feel like it’s going to.

“Mum can you please stop yelling? My head hurts,” you grunt while you sit at the kitchen table, putting your head into your hands and wiping them at your face.

“What did you think? Dying your hair blue a few days before enrolling in college?” she screams, making you rest against the chair and roll your eyes.

After rinsing off the blue hair dye at night, you fell asleep in Jeongin’s bed without even blow drying it, effectively staining his pillowcase as well, forgetting about the wine bottle in his bathroom and about your mother all together. Jeongin’s mum woke you up in the morning with the empty bottle in her hands and a questioning look on her face, telling you to run home, because your mother is causing a scene and she’s tired of listening to her screaming on her phone. Your and Jeongin’s mums were best friends, so you know she doesn’t exactly mean it, but you ran home with a sigh nonetheless without even looking at yourself in the mirror beforehand, preparing yourself for the screaming you’re gonna hear at home.

“I just wanted to have a little fun, that’s all!” you mourn out, looking at her with half-closed eyes, seeing her pacing around the kitchen.

“So you got drunk with Jeongin after you didn’t respond to my calls for the whole evening?!” she scolds you, seeing you sigh.

“I heard you calling Mrs Yang, I know you knew I was there,” you say, tying a strand of your freshly dyed blue hair around your finger and glancing at it. It didn’t look that bad, but you haven’t seen yourself in full display yet, so you can’t really tell if your best friend did a good job yesterday.

“And you’re just gonna glaze over the fact that you got drunk?” she looks at you with wide eyes.

“Mum, I’m literally 19, what do you expect me to say?” you burst out, glaring at her with sharp eyes. You really had no idea where she was coming from with this whole discussion.

She gazes at you for a while before sighing at taking a seat next to you, relaxing her tense muscles. “You’re right. You’re totally right, I’m just over-reacting,” she says, hands clasped on the table, “it’s just… You’re growing up so quickly and I’m not- I guess I’m not ready for you to leave quite yet.” she confesses, looking at you with sad eyes.

Your whole life, you haven’t left home for more than a week. You only did so one time when you went on a field trip with your school and even then, you missed your mother a little. The truth is that after Jeongin, it felt like she was your best friend. It sounds lame, but it is true. The almost idyllic relationship you share with your mother has always made you feel safe and loved. It’s going to be hard for you to not have your mother there to wake you up in case you slept in in the morning, or when you felt sad and wanted to mourn over a cup of hot chocolate in the evening while watching a soap opera.

You never realised your mother could miss you so much. I guess you were just so self-indulgent in your own pity you never realised other people could be scared of the change as well.

“I’m not either, mum,” you snicker, taking her hands into yours, “but there’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“I know, I know,” she nods, gazing into your eyes, “but it’s going to be empty here without you. I won’t have my soap opera partner here anymore.”

“We can watch soap operas together when I come home over holidays, don’t worry,” you smile at her, seeing her relax a little.

“You bet I’m going to annoy you and call you every evening just to make sure you’re okay,” she laughs at your face full of misery, enjoying the teasing.

“Please don’t, the college kids will think I’m not cool if you do,” you mourn, but on the inside, you’re screaming ‘please do’, because if you’re alone on the cold nights in your new dorm room, at least you know you always have your mother to lean on.

“Oh please, with that hair? Everyone will think you’re the coolest girl around,” she grins, pointing at the blue color of your hair, making you snort out in surprise.

“Does it really look cool?” you ask her, beaming with joy.

“As your mother, I’m legally not allowed to say that, but it doesn’t look twice bad, you know,” she says, making you jump out and move to the mirror on the wall in your hall, admiring your new image and admitting that your mother was, indeed, right, and you don’t really regret your spontaneous idea that sparked inside of your head yesterday.

“I’m surprised it’s not blotchy, considering you were drunk when you did that,” smirks your mum from behind you.

“Oh, Jeongin did that,” you point out nonchalantly, “and we weren’t that drunk yet, we finished the bottle after rinsing this off.” you giggle.

“Jeongin did?” she gasps in surprise, laughing.

“Yeah,” you shrug, “the wine was his idea as well, by the way, so if you wanna be mad at someone, it’s not me.”

Your mum shakes her head in amusement, laughing a little at you. Her little girl is growing up so well, she thinks. She looks at you as if she knew something you didn’t, making you quirk up your brow at her questioningly, but she just shrugs it off.

“Go and eat some breakfast, sunshine, you must be hungry,” she just says, making you grin.

“Okay,” you nod, moving back to your spacious kitchen, turning around in the doorway once more and shooting a teasing question to your mother, “does that mean I’m not grounded or anything? Because I have a party to attend this saturday.” you laugh.

“I’ll think about it, young lady.”

“Remind me again, why are you packing your things on a friday night? We could have been doing much more fun things than that,” mourns Jeongin as he watches you rummaging through your closet, picking up the things you’re going to take with you to a whole new, different city across the whole country.

“Because I have to leave at noon on sunday,” you huff out, “and you chose to have a party on saturday. And tell me, what other exciting fun things could we be doing right now?” you glare at him from across the room.

“I don’t know, like… watching anime?” he giggles, making you roll your eyes with a small smile of amusement.

“Yeah, right. Anime won’t pack my bags, though, so if you don’t wanna help, at least stop whining for a while.” you mumble, packing your shirts, throwing them into your carrier.

Jeongin rolls his eyes at you, but moves closer to your closet nonetheless, eyeing the mass of clothing inside, silently judging you for owning so much, even though you wear the same three shirts every week. His eyes stop at your hands, seeing something suspicious in them, eyebrows shooting up in question.

“Is that my shirt?” he laughs.

“No…” you mumble, feeling red in your cheeks, stuffing the white fabric into your bag, desperately trying to hide it from his eyes so he won’t tease you about it.

“I’m pretty sure it is.” he grins, catching the blush creeping onto your face. What was making you so flustered? It’s not like you haven’t worn his clothes before. He shares his shirts with you all the time when you sleep over.

“And what if it is? Once it spends more time in my closet than in yours, it’s automatically my shirt, you know.” you explain matter-of-factly, looking him in the eyes, finding a playful spark in them that is ever so present and familiar to you every time he teases you about something.

“Right, right,” he nods, leaning on the wall of your closet, “is there any reason why you’re packing that shirt with you for college?” he asks.

“No reason, I just like that shirt,” you nod, not once meeting his eye, because you’re sure you’d be a blushing mess if you did, desperately wanting him to change the topic and leave you and his shirt alone. It was embarrassing enough for you to keep it for that long, not even talking about you packing it with yourself for college. You never even wore it in the first place. Or Jeongin hasn’t seen you in it before, that is. He must have left the shirt there at one of his sleepovers accidentally, not caring about it enough to remember he lost it.

And the truth is, you never wore it. You just kept it because it smelled like your best friend.

Your mother definitely wasn’t so thrilled when you shouted at her in panic when she almost threw it into the wash one day, but she was understanding of your little secret. Your mother knew more about you than you ever did anyway.

“Is that so?” he asks, quirking up an eyebrow, sending shivers down your spine. You usually didn’t mind his teasing this much.

“Yeah.” you nod again, voice low and shy. There was a sense of unspoken words behind the simple response, but you had no courage in giving those words a name or a particular feeling yet. All you knew was that if you ever miss your best friend as deeply as you can only imagine you will, you hope the smell of his shirt will keep you company.

And as if your best friend knew, he doesn’t tease you any further. He just stands closer to you, hugging you around your waist from behind and playfully nudging your sides.

“Okay.” he says, voice barely louder than a whisper, his arms feeling like a home you’re soon going to lose.

The stairs of your best friend’s front porch are a familiar place to you. You know every lamppost in your vision, you know every noise around. You recognise every neighbourhood dog just by the sound of its bark. The chilly air or the summer night makes you shiver, a feeling of nostalgia overtaking your senses as you hear the background noise of the eight people inside, cursing at yourself for not being there with them to spend your last evening in your hometown with your closest friends.

It feels heavy, though. Listening to their laughter, knowing it’s going to be the last time you’re going to hear it in a while. Seeing them smile when you know that tomorrow, you’ll be so far away from each other. And it hurts to say goodbye.

You don’t feel like seeing Minho grin at you across the room when you know he won’t be there to tease you about being nervous from your first day of college on monday morning. You don’t feel like listening to Changbin’s stories when you know you won’t be there with him to make some new ones. You don’t feel like listening about Jisung’s and Hyunjin’s shared music major, because you’re secretly envious of the fact that they still get to meet each other every day. You don’t feel like watching Chan’s father-like smile when you know you won’t see it for such a long time. You don’t feel like watching Seungmin bickering with everyone when you know he won’t be there to make fun of you when you forget to change from your pyjama pants and go to school in them again. You don’t feel like sitting around in a hug with Felix when you’re more than sure you’re going to miss the way he so lovingly held you once you're sitting in your empty dorm room.

But you don’t feel like sitting there and watching your best friend laughing in his living room with a can of beer in his hand the most of it all. Because it feels like time’s running out. It feels like if you don’t soon do something, anything, all of those people will forever disappear, even though you know you will always have the chance to meet them on holidays.

You don’t want to look at them when your heart hurts at every chance of that encounter.

You miss them all already.

You turn around at the sound of the front door opening, seeing Chan standing there with his usual warm smile, but it doesn’t make you feel safe this time around. It makes you feel longing, it makes you feel like you’re far, far away already.

“Why are you just sitting here, Sonic?” he laughs, nudging your side with his elbow as he sits next to you on the stairs of the front porch, making you break out into a small smile at his teasing nickname comparing you to the blue cartoon character.

“I don’t feel like partying,” you shrug, not meeting his eyes just in case they tell on you. You watch the stars instead, noticing the way they have never shined brighter, as if they wanted to show you how beautiful they can be the last night you spend in your hometown.

“Don’t be scared,” mumbles Chan, putting his hand on your thigh, comforting you, “you know we’re all just one call away, right? We may not see each other that often anymore, but that doesn’t mean you’re losing us, you know that,” he says, speaking the words you needed to hear for a really long time now, making you look at him with a sad smile on your lips.

“Yeah, I know,” you nod, seeing that father-like smile appear on his lips again. Chan has always been like your older brother to you. He knew you like the back of his hand. You almost forgot how see-through you always were for the boy when he left for college three years ago.

“But this isn’t about us anymore, is it?” he grins playfully, but still considerably enough to not hurt your already fragile feelings.

You scoff, shaking your head in disbelief. He really did know you better than you knew yourself, huh? There was something about Chan that always made him seem like a trained therapist. Maybe it was because he was the oldest of your friend group, always taking care of the eight of you whenever something bad happened. He looked after you all. His heart has always been full of gold.

“No,” you shake your head, biting the inside of your cheek, lost in thought.

“You’re not losing him. Ever,” he says firmly, “I promise.”

“Chan, I-”

“For the past year, it was just the two of you. The two of you against the whole world. Do you really think he would throw away something like that just because he won’t have the chance to see you every day?” says Chan, gazing at you with caring eyes.

“No,” you shake your head, “but the distance… I will miss him so much.” you say, feeling actually kind of relieved after the confession you kept all inside without being able to say it out loud for so long. Because once you say it, it’s there. It’s the truth.

But that’s how it is, it is the truth. You will miss your best friend so, so much.

“But he’ll always be there, the distance doesn’t change anything,” Chan says, voice warm.

“What if-” you start, laughing at yourself in self-pity, “what if he finds someone better there? What if he won’t feel like he needs me anymore? It will be so lonely without him, Chan.”

Chan gazes at you for a while, as if he was studying the way your eyes held all the sadness they possibly could at the very moment, before he speaks up again. “Tell him.”

“Tell him what?” you ask, furrowing your brows at Chan.

“You know what I mean,” he says, laughing light-heartedly.

And you know what? He’s right. You know what he means. And maybe you always knew, but you just never said it out loud. Because once you say it, it’s there, and it’s the truth. And hiding from that truth was all you did these past months, even though it’s always been there.

You shake your head again, as if to let him know how well he knows you, staring off to the distance. You feel like you know every car that passes by, every bird that chirps from the tree branches in Jeongin’s back yard. This place feels like a home to you. And you’re not ready to leave home yet. You’re not ready to leave Jeongin.

“Don’t be scared okay?” asks Chan, standing up, but you know that this time, he means it in a whole different sense. Something about his words makes you calm down, nodding at him.

“Are you leaving already?” you ask, seeing him nod.

“Gotta leave early tomorrow,” he says, mimicking your sad smile, “call me when you arrive in your dorms, alright? I wanna hear all about it.” he says, making you smile.

“I will.” you say, seeing him take long steps backwards until he’s at the end of Jeongin’s driveway, waving his hand at you with a bright grin on his face.

“Bye! I’ll visit you some time!” he calls, ignoring the silent hours, knowing damn well Jeongin’s neighbours don’t care about those ever since the last time you went out and screamed out all your bottled-up frustration from your failed maths test last year with Jeongin.

“It’s a three hour long drive, Chan!” you shake your head.

“And?”

“And you don’t even have a car!” you laugh, seeing him burst out into a fit of giggles.

“I’ll find a way, believe me!” he says, and with that, he leaves. The empty space next to you on the front porch makes you feel sad now, contemplating going inside the house and at least trying to talk to your friends one last time, when you hear the door open again, revealing Jeongin standing there with a frown on his face.

He doesn’t ask you anything, nor does he say anything as he takes a seat next to you, much like Chan did just a few minutes ago. His eyes don’t even meet yours. All you feel is pure melancholy, pure longing for the boy next to you, pure love beating out of your chest as he leans his head onto your shoulder and places a hand on your knee.

You swear you could do it any time. Say it. Just three words - that’s all. Easy. But you know that maybe if you did, saying goodbye would be much harder for you in the morning. It wouldn’t feel right, leaving him with the knowledge you spilled your deepest secret to him.

And so you do the next closest thing, you say the next closest words to the three most important ones just sitting at the tip of your tongue: “I’ll miss you.”

The words feel so vulnerable. So intimate. Like you’re spilling out your heart to him.

“I will miss you too,” he says back, voice muffled and sad. He said it. It just made it real.

You look at him, his head coming off your shoulder, seeing the sparkle in his eyes mirror the stars in the night sky, reminding you of the beauty of your hometown, because to be honest, no place feels closer to home than when you're in his arms. Your breath hitches in your throat, your body shivering under his gaze. He wears the same love-struck drunken gaze in his eyes, but this time, you’re sure he’s not drunk enough for you to confuse his feelings for alcohol.

Your eyes flicker to his lips, hesitantly looking into his eyes for any sign of rejection, but finding none as he leans in a little, nudging his nose with yours.

This surely isn’t your smartest idea. But it sure does feel like one.

You can almost feel his lips on yours, the ghost of them glazing over yours with his warm breath, when the front door opens for the third time this evening, making both of you jolt away from each other as Jisung’s loud voice cuts through the silence.

“Here you are! I was looking for you two!”

You look at Jeongin with wide, rounded eyes, seeing him gazing to the ground. The expression breaks something inside of you, making you brokenly smile at the boy in the doorway currently looking the two of you up and down, forcing out a laugh.

“Yeah. Here we are.” you say, passing past him, entering the living room to hopefully drown your feelings out in the noise of the seven people left in the place, desperately needing to forget about everything - your college, your mum, your friends, Jeongin - everything.

The kiss didn’t feel like your best idea anymore.

You load the trunk of your mother’s old white mini cooper with the luggage you packed with Jeongin on friday, a frown sitting on top of your lips as you take a look around your house for the last time in months. It will be weird to not see your small house every day. You never knew you could miss that place.

Sunlight hits your eyes as you watch your mother step out of the house, looking at you with a sense of pride, opening her arms wide so you can hug her goodbye. You lounge yourself into her body, breathing in her fruity perfume, feeling like you have to breathe in enough so you can remember the smell even when you’re far away. It’s another smell that reminds you of home. You never realised it until it felt like it was too late.

“Be careful on the roads, yeah? I didn’t leave you my car for you to break it somewhere on your first day of driving it, alright?” she says with a playful, scolding tone of her voice, although you know damn well she doesn’t mean it harshly. She just doesn’t want to say it with a sincere tone of voice, knowing her sensitive daughter might just cry if she does so.

“Right, right,” you nod, breaking away from the motherly hug, seeing her eyes move somewhere behind you, a knowing look settled on her features.

You turn around, seeing Jeongin standing at the end of your doorway, out of breath, a worried look plastered on his face as he watches you take long, slow steps to his figure.

“Hi-”

“I thought you left without saying goodbye!” he screams out at you, making you painfully look to the ground. His words hurt you. Because you know how worried he must have been when he thought you didn’t even care enough about him to hug him one last time.

The truth is, you wanted to do it. Leave without a word. You woke up in the morning on the sofa in his living room, visiting his room to find him in his bed soundly asleep, the warm light flowing through the blinds making him look ethereal. The reality hit you at the sight. It felt too hard to say it. To finally leave.

“I’m sorry, Innie-” you start, only to be cut off by your best friend again.

“Why are you pushing me away? Now, out of everything? When we have so little time left together?” he almost mourns, hands shooting up in the air.

You look around helplessly, seeing your mother disappeared into the house to give you two some privacy, already knowing what is the topic behind your conversation without you even needing to enlighten her in the first place. It’s so visible in both of your eyes. Nobody had to be told to know about the feelings you share for the other.

“I’m not…”

“Yes you are. What are you so afraid of, Y/N? I’m not disappearing just because I’ll be away,” he helplessly shakes his head, frustration written all over his face.

A lump forms in your throat, making you forcefully swallow it down, looking into his eyes. “What will I do without you? This doesn’t make it any easier for us, Jeongin, and I don’t want to be in pain for all this time without you.”

“Just because you refuse to say it out loud doesn’t mean it isn’t there, you know,” he says, gazing into your eyes, reading your mind perfectly.

You stare into his face again, admiring his features as if it was your last time to see them. His beautiful eyes that always looked at you with admiration. His pretty lips that looked so inviting ever since the moment you two shared at his front porch yesterday. The hair falling into his face, obviously not brushed at all today, since he ran all the way here after not finding you by his side in the morning like he thought he would.

You stare into his face again and your heart beats with admiration, because Jeongin’s right. Just because you refuse to say it out loud, doesn’t mean you don’t love him. And the fact that you confess won’t make it any harder for you. You would still miss him the same.

“I-” you choke on your words, seeing him shake his head.

“If you won’t say it, I will,” he speaks up, leaning in closer to you, his hand finding its way onto your cheek, his starry eyes gazing into yours as his breath glazes over your lips again, “I’m in love with you.”

You almost feel your eyes well up with tears just in time when his lips meet yours, shutting them close, immersed in the feeling of the kiss. It feels like your lips were made for him to kiss. Like the two of you were the trees in his backyard, so close to each other, always meant to have your branches and your roots intertwined.

You feel like you never want to pull away, but after a while, you’re forced to.

“Jeongin, I-” you take a deep breath, feeling the time ticking as you know you have to leave soon or you’ll come late, “I’m in love with you too.”

He nods, a wide grin settled onto his features, acting as if he knew all along and he just wanted to hear the words leave your mouth.

And there they were.

You said it, so it made it true.

You were in love with him.

But the truth is, you always have been. You just refused to admit it to yourself.

And so with the last kiss before you hopped into your mum’s old mini cooper, you try to remember how it feels, you try to remember how Jeongin’s lips taste against yours.

They taste sweet. Soft. Just like him. You try to remember how your heart flutters with every butterfly touch of his hand, you try to engrave his glittery eyes into your memory.

Because this is what you’ll think of when you feel the most alone in your first days of college. You’ll think of Yang Jeongin and the feelings he made you feel. You’ll think of home.

Because your heart has always felt at home when he securely held it in his hands.

“Call me when you get there,” he mumbles against your lips.

“I will,” you nod, not ready to let him go just yet.

“And don’t fall for any lanky literature major while you’re there, okay?” he giggles, nudging your nose with his, making you laugh.

“I wouldn’t dare.”

“Good.” he nods.

“Good.” you repeat, gazing into his eyes.

“I’ll visit you when I can.”

And you know he’ll keep his promise. The ride will be long, but Jeongin will do everything just to feel at home. Because the only thing you two need to feel at ease is each other. And he’s not planning on disappearing just yet.

Not now, when he finally has you.

Not ever.

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babygirlizz · 3 years

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izzie’s favorite movies and tv shows of 2020 (aka the worst year ever)

another year, another movie and tv show review. this year has, to put it simply, sucked. 2020 has been so terribly awful that sometimes the only light you can see are the absolute bangers of movies and tv shows that came out this year. with that being said, some of the movies and tv shows didn't come out in 2020. if the are mentioned in this post it is because they either: had a season come out this year, i found them this year, or they became popular this year.

SPOILERS: it may not come as a surprise but just in case you didn't realize, there will be many spoilers ahead, read at your own risk.

tw // death, suicide, drug use, mild adult language. if any of these things might trigger you, i strongly urge you not to read this post.

there is no specific order of these shows and movies, i'm just writing as they come to mind. if you enjoy any of these movies or tv shows, or if you have any suggestions for me, please let me know!

TV SHOWS

1) Santa Clarita Diet

Okay, so I know this show doesn't have anything to do with 2020. But, I found this show in 2020. I put it off for a while, thinking it wasn't my style of a show, but boy was I wrong. I loved this show. Sheila Hammond (Drew Barrymore) is a normal suburban wife and mom. She is a real estate agent with her husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant). She struggles with the fact that she isn't very adventurous. This all changes when she throws up an insane amount at a house showing. She then finds herself craving adventure, and craving human flesh. Yeah, she's a zombie. Not only is this show super hilarious, but it also shows the growth that they have with their characters and their family. I'm also team Abby (Liv Hewson) and Eric (Skyler Gisondo).

2) Outer Banks

So, I'm from NC. And, watching this show at first bothered me because I can very obviously tell this show isn't actually filmed in the obx, and the geography isn't exact, but once I got past that, I loved it. John B (Chase Stokes) is a teenager that lives in the poor side of the outer banks. He has a friend group called the Pogues which consists of JJ (Rudy Pankow), Pope (Jonathan Daviss), and Kie (Madison Bailey). They absolutely hate the Kooks, which are the rich kids. A while after John B's dad gets lost at sea, presumed dead, the group finds some evidence that may solve the mystery, and make them rich. In the process, John B falls in love with a Kook names Sarah (Madelyn Cline) whose father Ward (Charles Esten) may have a little more to do with the mystery than he let on. Through friendship, murder, and secrets, the gang may just figure out what happened to John B's dad.

3) Love, Victor

Alright. I loved loved loved Love, Simon. I also really loved the book "Simon vs. the Homosapien Agenda." So, when I heard about this show, I was so excited. Victor (Michael Cimino) is a teenage boy that moved to Creekwood with his family. He meets Felix (Anthony Turpel) who lives in his building. He also meets Mia (Rachel Hilson) and they begin dating. But, he also meets Benji (George Sear). While trying to get used to a new school, new friends, and a new relationship, Victor finds himself questioning his sexuality. With the help of Simon (Nick Robinson) and his friends, Victor finds it in himself to finally come out, and he admits his feelings, for Benji. This is such a good show, but I was so upset when season 1 ended on a cliff-hanger.

4) The Haunting of Bly Manor

The sequel to The Haunting of Hill House. Now listen, haunting of hill house was an absolute banger. When I saw that Bly came out I nearly died. I was so excited. But, I was alone in my apartment and also a lil bitch. So, I had to wait a week until I was home with my family to watch it. Now, I was so excited to be scared, and there were a few jump scares and ominous moments, but this season was more centered around the story line of Dani Clayton (Victoria Pedretti) and her new life in a foreign country. When seeing an ad for a live in job as an au pair. When she gets there, she meets the two young children she’ll be looking out for and the other workers of the house, including the gardener, Jamie (Amelia Eve). Throughout her stay at Bly she begins to notice weird behaviors from both children and by the end of the series she sacrifices herself for the children. Sadly, this story is being told by Jamie who Dani had fallen in love with during her stay at Bly. Now I was somewhat upset about the lack of horror, but was still very intrigued and drawn in by this series.

5) Julie and the Phantoms

Alright, at first I was not gonna watch this show. I thought it looked a little too young and childish for me, but everyone was talking about it on twitter so I had to. I. Love. This. Show. This show centers around Julie (Madison Reyes). Julie is a teenage girl who, sadly, lost her mother. The one major thing she shared with her mom, was their love for music. Since her mothers passing, she gave up music. This is until, dead musicians from the 90′s show up in her garage. Luke (Charlie Gillespie), Alex (Owen Joyner), and Reggie (Jeremy Shada) all tragically passed away in the 90′s after eating bad street hotdogs. When Julie finds their CD in her garage, she decides to play it and they come back in ghost form. But, only she can see them. With their help, she finds her confidence to play music again. Also, she has to find away for them to stay because they’re slowly disappearing.

6) Derry Girls

Bitch. I love this show. And yeah it didn’t come out in 2020. Shut up. I found this show recently after watching the cast on the holiday special of the Great British Baking Show. I loved the actors so I had to watch the show. This show focuses on Erin (Saoirse-Monica Jackson) a 16 year old girl that lives in Derry, Northern Ireland in the 90′s. Alongside her is her cousin Orla (Louisa Harland), her two friends Clare (Nicola Coughlan) and Michelle (Jamie-Lee O’Donnell), and Michelle’s English cousin James (Dylan Llewellyn). During these years, a lot of people in Ireland struggled, especially because it was during wartime. Even thought this show isn’t focused heavily around the war, it’s amazing to see these teens live a fulfilling life while struggling with the state of their country, and the lack of money that their families have.

7) Elite

HA. This show did have a season in 2020 so leave me alone. But bro, I love this show. At first, I didn’t watch it because I thought I could only watch the dubbed version in English, which I hate. I hate dubbed shows they look so weird. But, once I found out I could watch this show in Spanish, I fell in love. But, sadly, theres too damn much to talk about in one little post. It’s crazy. But basically it just follows the lives of teens in high school that are trying to survive. And no, not in the “I’m surviving high school,” sense. No, people be getting murdered.

MOVIES (tbh i didn’t find a lot of movies good this year lmk which movies u liked this year and maybe i’ll like them!)

1) All the Bright Places

After the death of her sister, Violet (Elle Fanning) is devastated. She closes herself off, and has her parents get her out of doing school work that involves working with others. But, as time goes on, they realize she may need to start to move on. Violet then meets Finch (Justice Smith) who is enamored by Violet. He suggests they do a project together. While finding and visiting some of the smallest wonders of their state, they begin to fall for each other. While you are focusing on Violet and her mental health, you tend to miss some of the signs that Finch’s mental health isn’t great either, but by the time you do, it could be too late.

2) Dangerous Lies

Hmm. This was weird for me. I had only ever seen Camila Mendes in Riverdale, and honestly, not a fan. So, Katie (Camila Mendes) and her husband Adam (Jessie T. Usher) are struggling with money. Katie decides to take a job working for an elderly man, and eventually gets her husband hired there as well. Unfortunately, he dies, but for some odd reason, leaves the house and all of his fortune, to Katie. As they get comfortable in the house, they begin to uncover some very weird and dangerous lies.

3) The Devil All the Time

Ok. Iconic. You got so many hot men in this movie. Bill Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan, Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson. C’mon now. That’s crazy. But, this story is so long and in depth that I wouldn’t even know where to begin. This movie is a bit disturbing. It involves murder, sexual assault, killing of animals, and so much more so if that’s an issue for you please do not watch this movie. It was also quite long, but it was still good.

4) After We Collided

Okay just listen. I was that teenager. I read wattpad stories and was, embarrassingly, addicted to After. This was not a great movie per say, but it was After. This is a sequel to the movie After. This movie centers around Tessa (Josephine Langford) and her recovery after her breakup with Hardin (Hero Fiennes Tiffin). Theres sex, alcohol, bad acting. The whole nine-yards. But c’mon, they’re so cute together.

5) To All the Boys p.s. I Still Love You

Okay it was a good movie. I enjoyed it. This movie focuses on Lara Jean (Lana Condor) and her boyfriend Peter (Noah Centineo) and their relationship post the first movie. But of course relationships aren’t super steady, and John Ambrose McClaren (Jordan Fisher) shows up. Yeah, John Ambrose, from her letter. They become closer and Lara Jean has to decide who she wants to be with. Spoiler, it’s Peter. BOOOOOOO justice for John Ambrose McClaren, he deserved better.

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ladyloveandjustice · 4 years

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Belated Spring 2020 Anime Overview: My Next Life as Villainess

For the Spring 2020 anime season, I mostly watched continuations of shows I was already into. The one new show I did pick up was My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom! follows Katerina Claes, a spoiled young noble girl deviously scheming to win the heart of a prince- oh wait, never mind, she hit her head and remembered her past life! Turns out she’s an eighteen year old Japanese otaku chick who died and got reincarnated as the villainess in her favorite otome game.

If you don’t feel like reading the wiki article, an otome game is basically a female- targeted dating sim where you play as a blank slate main character and date a bunch of pretty boys (and sometimes girls, but usually only if you go outside the mainstream ones), unlocking their backstories and collecting all the romantic endings.

Having played this game, Katarina is well aware that the Villainess character- who constantly tries to interfere with the game’s heroine and whichever boy she’s pursuing- is either exiled or killed in all of the games endings. And now she IS that villainess, living in the world of the game and all its characters! Does that mean she’s doomed to a horrible fate? What’s a girl to do?

Well, if you’re Katarina, what you do is be supportive and kind to the people around you and in doing so accidentally get every single character in the game to fall in love with you. And yes, this includes all the boys the heroine is supposed to date, the other female romantic rivals the heroine is faced with and the game’s heroine herself.

That’s right, we finally got us some bisexual romantic comedy hijinx last anime season, my friends! My Next Life as a Villainess was the delightful little show I really escaped into during these anxious pandemic times . All these girls casually falling in love with Katarina without it being treated as ‘weird’ was what particularly drew me to this show and warmed my gay little heart to see. It was honestly the perfect fluffy, low stress watch during these high stress times.

Anime has long been oversaturated with ‘harem’ stories- where a usually unwitting protagonist somehow gets a bevy of beauties in love with them- but it’s still unfortunately really unusual to see bisexual harems, especially ones with a girl at the center, so right away there’s a big draw to this story that helps it stick out from the rest. (And worry not, the story is largely focused on Katarina having fun with these pals-who-are-not-so-secretly-in-love-with-her, rather than having a ton the dubious shenanigans you see in more sexually charged tales.)

Harem protoganists also famously tend to have the personality of potatoes, being so painfully bland it’s unclear why so many people would fall in love with them in the first place. But that definitely not the case for Katarina. She’s brash, ridiculous, kind and INCREDIBLY dense, and that for a pretty dynamic combination in this setting! She does genuinely come off as a fun person to be around. Unlike a lot of modern isekai shows, she doesn’t stumble into having incredible magic powers or skills, so her compassion is genuinely her greatest strength and what saves the day and wins hearts time and time again.

Katarina’s five brain cells doing their weekly check-in

(The moment she won my heart was when she responded to a tragic Frozen style situation with her friend locking himself away from people because he believed his magic was dangerous by taking an axe to his door. My kinda girl!)

The premise also allows for some plausible built-in reasons for the characters to take such special notice of Katarina- having been raised in a different world, she isn’t beholden to all the social rules, class divisions and noble family drama all the other kids in this very specific midevial-esque fantasy world are so embroiled in. This combined with her naturally earnest, accepting and straightfoward nature means she’s able to cross boundaries and reach out to them in a way they aren’t accustomed to. She was significant in each character’s life because she genuinely was the first to show them acceptance and affection without pretense, if only because she isn’t even aware there was supposed to be a pretense.

Katarina’s focus on trying not to die and her fear she’s going to meet the same fate as the villainess in the game also at least gives some kind of a basis to her comical obliviousness to everyone being in love with her. She assumes that everyone has to be into Maria (the heroine) and terrified of her because that’s how the game GOES okay, that’s CANON! Of course, this logic stretches thin as time goes on and it would be abundantly clear to most people that things have diverged greatly from the game’s storyline, but the show makes it clear that Katarina’s determined, one track mind is as much a gift as a curse.

Her bullheadedness when it comes to picking up how everyone REALLY feels about her is an intentional gag on the show’s part and even her love interests are well aware of what a colossal dumbass she is and not afraid to point it out!

My Next Life as a Villainess isn’t without its flaws, and the personalities/backstories of some of the ‘love interests’ Katarina gathers may be a stumbling block on some- mostly the male ones. Geordo, “the black hearted prince” has a bit of the “ possessive shoujo bad boy” archetype about him, and though he’s far from the worst that genre of love interest has to offer (there’s not much bad he can get up to due to Katarina’s obliviousness, the lighthearted nature of the show, and his rivals constantly getting in his way), the way he refuses to break Katarina and his engagement off despite her repeatedly asking him to, as well as some of his lines here and there, are definitely NOT cute.

Keith is Katarina’s adopted brother, but clearly has a thing for her too. On one hand, they only first met when they were nine and he fell for her pretty immediately. On the other hand, he still refers to her as “sister” constantly which is kinda eesh.

The other two guys are all right- Nicol’s big thing is he’s inexpressive and doesn’t talk much which, considering show doesn’t spend much time inside his head, doesn’t make him a very interesting character in the ensemble (maybe he comes across better in the novels) but there’s nothing wrong with him. Alan is undoubtedly the Best Boy in my book. He’s another common trope- rambunctious and competitive with Katarina but clearly soft for her- but he’s done well and they have a lot of cute moments together.

I find the girl love interests to be a much more interesting group overall, though this may be my obvious bias talking. Sophia has the strongest connection to Katarina, their backstories being intertwined in a surprising and touching way (I’m told in the novels her affection for Katarina was treated as more platonic, but the anime definitely plays it up as having romantic elements). Maria’s original role as the game’s heroine puts her in the most interesting position (and would make her the most narratively satisfying choice of love interest, if the show was actually interested in choosing). And while Mary is comically tenacious in her pursuit of Katarina, she’s doesn’t ever act ‘sinister’ or overstep boundaries in the way Geordo does, her “scheming” only really amounting to straightforwardly asking if Katarina wants to ditch her fiance and run away with her.

As I mentioned, one thing that really contributes to My Next Life as a Villainess being a relaxing watch is that the queer characters are treated with casual acceptance. Mary in particular isn’t subtle about her crush on Katarina, but nobody bats an eye at her and she’s completely open and comfortable with herself too. The observing maid notes that the girls are in love with Katarina with the same bland affect as when she notes she notes the guys are. And while the social practices of the nobles are pretty heteronormative- girls are always engaged in arranged marriages to guys, the guys are expected to dance with the girls (something Mary complains about!)- there’s apparently a booming queer romance novel industry that inspires our young wlw.

Katarina, having grown up in a different world, seems to be the one most prone to heteronormativity of her group. She never really considers that a girl would ever fall in love with her, but is also never hostile to the idea. It’s telling that when Mary very clearly indicates her desired romantic partner would be a girl, Katarina’s the only one that gets tripped up and has to walk back her assumption that Mary would be talking about a guy.

Mary LAYING DOWN THE LAW

Also, Katarina has SEVERAL “she’s so cute! My heart is beating faster!” moments with the other girls, on par in frequency with her moments with the guys. This strongly hints she’s an oblivious bisexual disaster.

So, My Next Life as Villainess is a fun, frothy watch and the rare positive example of silly wish-fufillment that’s inclusive to a wlw audience. But is the actual plot good, or remotely complex? The answer to that is no, the plot is fairly predictable and one definitely shouldn’t got into this story expecting a deep examination of the nature of fate or anything like that.There’s no real explanation of big reason as to why why Katarina was reborn into this game world and so on.

The antagonist that does eventually emerge plays off otome game tropes a bit, but ultimately isn’t that interesting or built up all that well. . The attempts at drama the show makes towards the end fall a little flat, especially since it tends to rely on very-late-in-the-game-exposition-dumps (dark magic isn’t even MENTIONED as existing in this world until like, the second to last episode where it becomes relevant and we get a vague infodump explaining its mechanics). The conflict honestly almost feels shoehorned in and the climax is pretty standard and doesn’t really utilize the big cast of characters all that well

But in the end, that’s okay! The show makes it abundantly clear from the beginning it’s not here to be Deep, but to be some silly fun. And it really fulfills that purpose well, from it’s catchy, peppy theme tune to its consistently warm tone. It MAY get repetitive at times for some, and I do have some quibbles- like how I found the childhood segments to be some of the shows best material and wish we could have stayed in that section for a bit instead of rushing through it, how I wish Katarina had kept her cute little scar, etc- but overall, it was definitely the soothing balm I needed during a very rough time and I absolutely recommend it if you’re looking for a chill, feel-good watch.

And hey, a second season’s supposed to be on the way too, so there’s something to potentially look forward to!

#my next life as a villainess #my next life as a villianess all routes lead to doom #destruction flag otome #otome gemu no hametsu furagu shika nai akuyaku reijo ni tensei shiteshimatta #anime overview #katarina claes #catarina claes #my reviews #spring 2020 anime

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zhoufeis · 3 years

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Yay! The newbie (me) has finished 10 korean dramas

....... and here are my ratings.

Let’s rate from worst to best:

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10) Romance is a Bonus Book. Rating: 2,1 / 5 stars - skip it.

- I kept seeing this show on my dash and since my first kdrama watch was W Two Worlds with the wonderful Lee Jong-suk, I decided to give it a chance.

- But hell, no one warned me how bad it actually is. I’m not talking about the acting (the cast is actually quite solid), but I’m referring to... the plot (or lack thereof), the love story (let’s rather call it one-sided obsession) and the wasted potential. Let’s start with the set-up. A company producing books, a single mother who needs a job, her childhood best friend who works for the company. Yeah, it’s not precisely complex or inventive, but it’s something to work with. Create nice dynamics at the working place, have some yearning between the two leads, give them heartwarming moments and a confession of how they’ve always been in love with each other. There’s just one problem: she really never, ever had any romantic feelings for her childhood best friend. She keeps calling him a brother and insists on him being her closest friend (which seems a stretch since she lied to him for a year about her separation from her husband and kept sort of creeping up into his house to eat and shower there without letting him know). Anyway, I could oversee this (even though I hate the trope of childhood best friends becoming lovers in adult life just because one is a man and the other a woman) if AT LEAST we actually get to see her falling for him slowly within the show. But we just.... don’t. He confesses his love to her - as she is actually starting to see someone else, and let me tell you, she actually seemed to be into the second lead -, then promises her not to push his feelings onto her... but that’s exactly what he does (I guess I don’t need to mention I ended up not being his biggest fan), and she ends up falling for him for unknown reasons. Eh. Okay. I started rooting for the second leads halfway into the show. Hae-rin & Eun-ho as well as Seo-joo & Dan-i appeared to me as the much more shippable pairings. I might have actually cried for Hae-rin & Eun-ho at some point of the show, but well... Moving on to... everything else. I enjoyed some scenes in the company, but not enough that I could tell you any right now because there wasn’t anything very memorable. The show basically thrives in some random scenes usually involving one of the two leads rather than in scenes with the two of them. That random author’s suicide has stuck with me as well as the letters that song hae-rin has wrote to our male lead over the years. The talk about fears between eun-ho and that author has stuck with me too, but other than that... there’s just nothing really happening. I was patiently waiting for a plot to come but nothing ever came. It just feels like a bunch of really uninteresting subplots put into one show. I don’t wanna judge it too harshly, but one of the other modern day dramas I will discuss further down this list also simply works with a bunch of subplots coming together - and it’s wonderfully executed (it’s ‘Run On’, for those of you who are wondering!)

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: nice friendship between women (dan-i & hae-rin); delivery of lee jong-suk, jeong eu-gene & park gyu-young; one strong scene involving a life lesson every few eps

- Negative: no main plot, dull subplots... nothing happens, very cheesy at some points, the protagonizing couple is quite problematic and unshippable, their chemistry is not strong enough to oversee that; i really don’t know why people like this show.

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9) Radio Romance. Rating: 3,2 / 5 stars - it’s cute.

- Radio Romance is the show on this list that drives me into conflict with myself. Because some things about this show are very strong; others (many) very, very weak. I guess the main problem is that the show’s set-up mostly shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but it deals with some heavy topics that need to be taken seriously. And unlike quality japanese animes or some quality chinese drama that usually achieve to make you realize what can be taken as a joke and what can not, Radio Romance is sort of incapable of keeping that balance. You gotta figure it for yourself.

- While offering a quite enjoyable cast and some quite different personalities within the show, there is no one particularly standing out. As you will see as we go further down on this list, this is not my only Kim So-hyun drama, it was also not my first, and I can promise you that it won’t be my last. I simply adore this actress, she’s enjoyable to watch. I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of her, which is why I checked out the show in the first place. Compared to her other characters though, Song Geu-rim is kind and nice and all, but not too memorable. She’s portraying a nice girl next door here with a dream to become a good radio script writer. And if not even her character stands out, as expected, none of the others will either. As for the plot... We don’t really have one, I suppose. If you count the plot making the radio show, I suppose then episode 3 or 4 is the last with actual development. I was hoping for more conflicts and plot twists involving Soo-ho’s backstory - and we got them, but very, very, very late on the show. Basically, getting through the first 7 eps felt very easy to me, due to the change of locations and relationship growth, and getting through the last 3 as well. Although the last was such a cheesy ending, you have no idea. The middle part suffered from a lack of plot and character development as well as it suffered from a focus on the love triangle - which I totally could have lived without. Like, istg, what was the POINT of this love triangle? Soo-ho and Geu-rim had to deal with enough things already, bringing in yet another obstacle through the tercero and putting the focus onto this love triangle was just soooo cliché. And don’t even get me started on how they also went with the problematic love triangle tropes rather than to at least make it somewhat adorable or funny. It was also boring. I kept pausing the episodes there and didn’t keep watching for days. It was only at the end of episode 13 that things finally got interesting again when we finally got to learn more about Soo-ho’s backstory. From then on, I was able to end the show within 2 days. So, no, the backstory was not the thing that drives me into conflict though. What drives me into conflict is how such a quite flat story was able to portray a very good, very realistic case of depression and PTSD. Like wow. This must have been one of the few shows, in which we have a canonically diagnosed character who does not fall into stereotypes and in which his depression isn’t used as a mere plot device to get the ship together and cure him by that. His depression is underlying at all times, sometimes more, sometimes less. He is told to get treatment (”no treatment, no medication.”), he has moments in which his depression mentally and physically restrains him from acting. It’s a very layered, realistic depiction and I adored every single bit of it. Meanwhile, the character isn’t defined by his depression nevertheless - there’s more to Soo-ho then just the depression, and after all, he was an outstanding character (to correct what I said before because I was lying xD). So... for all the lack of plot and development and predictable storytelling, the depiction of depression and the peacefulness of the protagonizing couple save that show.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: unnecessary love triangles with unnecessary clichés; barely any plot; sheer boredom in the middle of the show; takes itself and its tropes way too seriously.

- Positive: complex character who is suffering from depression and PTSD; layered, realistic depiction of depression; adorable couple that transmits peacefulness.

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8) Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung. Rating: 3,5 / 5 stars - nice, but it is no must-watch.

- I feel genuinely bad for putting this right after Radio Romance and Romance is a Bonus Book, because Rookie Historian was, simply put, muuuuuuuuch better. I got invested in the characters and their backstories. The story is quite more complex in retrospect than it seemed at first, but the show’s issue is that this is rather less apparent in more than the first quarter of the show. I really don’t even recall what happened in those first few episodes because it is rather unimportant for the rest of the show, with minor exceptions. The story truly starts picking up around episode 9 and has a strong run until around episode 15. The last quarter of the show then is wayyyyy too fast-moving, too many things happening and we barely spend time on things I then wished to spend more time on. Unfortunately, despite having a good set-up and a quite fine cast, I don’t think I’ll remember anything in particular about this show in a year. It’s a nice watch, even though I sometimes really had to motivate myself to keep watching in the first eps, but it hasn’t lingered in my memory after I finished it.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: rather lots of plot; positive female relationships; feminism; shin se-kyung; leading couple as well as the second leading couple, even though romance is not at the core of the show; nice messages about morality and truth.

- Negative: the first few eps are really.... slow-moving. To the point that I’d recommend putting the first 8 eps into 2-3 eps and giving more space in the end. Especially the last 4 eps of the show are way too fast-moving. Furthermore, there’s some plotholes. My biggest issue though is the glorification of europe's christianity during the 18th and 19th century. I was not expecting that in a korean drama but it seemed utterly wrong in my eyes, specifically because the show used it to promote that chrisitianity promotes equality of all races and genders. Not to be a bitch, but europe’s christian beliefs have never stopped europeans from discriminating women and non-white people, not then and not now.

- My general impression of the show is quite positive, but I’m not sure I’d willingly watch it again since knowing all the plot twists and storylines actually is enough to be watched once with that show. An experience that I haven’t made with the other kdramas that are higher ranked on this list.

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7) A Love So Beautiful. Rating: 3,5 / 5 stars - if you really don’t want to think at all and just watch a light, easy to follow show, that is your pick. However, NOT recommended for first-time kdrama watchers - it gives you a totally wrong impression of what kdramas are actually capable of achieving.

- I’d like to point out that this show has surprised me in a good way - but there’s things that need to be pointed out here, so let me make three paragraphs: the first will talk about my impression of the first 16 eps; the second will talk about the last 8 eps; and the last will talk about how this show was cute, but could have been incredible, but didn’t use its potential correctly.

- Episodes 1-16: Look, the thing about those eps is very easy to point out: it’s not quality and it is never pretending to be (unlike romance is a bonus book, which pretends to be some smart, adult quality show but is just trash). Those eps cannot be taken totally serious. You have to go in there knowing exactly what is awaiting you. I started it because when I saw the trailer, I immediately realized all the tropes that Extraordinary You (higher ranked, you will see later) was making fun of. What you see is exactly what you get: Clichéd characters, clichéd love story, average acting, average directing, simple dialogue, clichéd love triangle, predictable developments - a simple romcom put into a tv show format. It’s cliché over cliché over cliché put into a het high school love story. And you know what? After weeks of studying for and writing my uni exams, it was exactly what I needed. The show is so over the top with its clichés that it’s genuinely funny. The lightheartedness and the non-existing complexity just add to that. Basically, you could argue that it’s all so bad with its clichés, which is why it becomes hilarious. Unlike other kdramas, it has a straightforward plot: a girl is in love with a boy and wants to be with him. It’s as easy as that. The show clearly loves featuring every trope you could associate with het love stories, but honestly, it’s so light and breezy and such a fast watch (due to the fact that each ep is between 20-25 minutes), you will finish those first 16 episodes before you know you even started it (I made it in less than 2 days). I want to repeat here though, it’s not for someone who starts with kdramas and hasn’t watched other kdramas. It cannot be taken seriously - and you only cannot take it seriously when you have seen things like Extraordinary You or W or, I guess, a bunch of high school kdramas. But I’m telling you, this is the only Kdrama on this list that you can watch in the most stressful time of your life and it will make you feel better. It won’t make you cry, it will make you laugh, and the moment it is out of your sight, you will forget about it - at least, that’s the case about the first 16 eps. And then we get to...

- Episodes 17-24: guys, what have I gotten myself into? As these people finished high school and their problems actually also got more adult, I started to grow genuinely attached, specifically to the ship. When she got sick and he didn’t even know although he’s a DOCTOR? When she was sexually harassed and didn’t know how to talk to him about it because their relationship was filled with other problems? When he left for 3 years and later told her that he had hoped she’d follow him because she always has... and then she didn’t? When he said that everyone is under the impression that she is more dependent on him but that he is actually the one who cannot imagine a life without her? IT ALL HURT BADLY. Because 1) so many years passed in such a short amount of time on the show and it felt like someone was ripping my heart out. I got genuinely reminded of that stupid US movie “One Day” - and y’all know how that movie ended. And because 2) there was a very realistic notion in the adult relationship portrayed. Not only did it point out how differently relationships/friendships can develop once you outgrow your teenage years and start navigating your life by yourself, but the problems, the misunderstandings, the different perceptions of time, the different perceptions of how friendships and relationships are developing - I honestly could relate to it a lot, looking at it from a 24yo perspective because it is something I have been experiencing as well since I finished high school. You feel more lonely and tend to perceive some time as passing by quickly, other times, it feels like everything is going so slow. These last 8 eps completely differ from my perception that I had in the first 16 eps of the show, as the tone is much more serious and the things depicted realistic and relatable. I also sobbed a lot. I didn’t sob at all, ever, in the first 16 eps, but the last 8 were me crying a lot and feeling my heart hurt as the years passed by and these two just spent them apart.

- So, what do I criticize about this show? The show’s pacing. I genuinely loved the change of feeling between high school and adult life, between ridiculousness and seriousness, and I know the show wants to celebrate youth at the end of the day. But I honestly believe this show could have worked so much better if u cut the high school episodes down to 8 episodes and rather spend a few more eps exploring their young adult lives. It would have worked so much better because their young adult selves were genuinely relatable, as well as their problems. The growth within the characters, realizing that the way they acted as teenagers were often self-centred or that they didn’t think that much about the consequences or how other people felt was nicely done. The show had potential. The dialogues were bearable, the camera work had hints of something great. In other words, I believe that with more carefulness to directing and dialogue, the show could have genuinely been a quality romance drama. The potential was there, but it wasn’t used the way it should have been. In the last 8 eps, you simply get a whiff on what this show could have actually been. Because the realistic character and relationship writing was right there - and if it had been put together with awesome directing and better pacing, everything could have been incredible.

SUMMARY

Favorite character:

Negative: the show’s pacing; the waste of potential to be an actual quality romance.

Positive: the un-seriousness of the first 16 eps, which were just so clichéd that it all was hilarious, compared to the seriousness of problems and development depicted in the past 8 eps.

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6) Run On. Rating: 4,2 / 5 stars - recommend

- I’m gonna be honest here and tell you something about me you might have guessed by now: Modern-day shows with no sci-fi nor fantasy elements are not particularly my thing. I usually sort of hate-watch them. Romance is a Bonus Book, A Love So Beautiful and Radio Romance are all of such shows and while I was even capable watching two of them without ending up hating them, they’re far from being my fave. Objectively, they’re okay-ish shows, nothing to be considered quality tv according to my cultural studies though. Subjectively, they just suffer even more from the fact that I’m very keen on being critical of such shows. But what happens when I find a non-fantasy, non-scifi modern-day show that is actually... good? Run On is the answer. Run On has memorable characters, their funny, unique characteristics, and simple conflicts put into nice subplots that often talk real-life problems such as bullying or self-neglegance. At the end of the day, this show is a love poem. It’s a love poem to self-love, self-respect, to friendship, to character growth, to family bonds, to achieving your goals, to making new goals, to kindness, and to life itself. That’s really what it is. You will find yourself in, at least, one of the characters. You will see them struggle, fight, grow, become better, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you are capable of living with yourself. I personally got attached to all of the stories and I adored how nothing was ever done over the top. Everything was subtle, multiple subplots working together... to form stories of life. It’s more than just a simple “feelgood” show and less than a devastating tragedy, it truly shows you life and puts it into an aesthetic form, that never neglects its reality. Which leads me to something I should point out here: it’s creatively done. From the fact that Seon-gyeom is waiting for Mi-joo at the end of the track to the drawings of Young-hwa that have Dan-ah in them to Dan-ah realizing that people experience the same things differently due to the fact that experience itself is different to everyone to Mi-joo imagining movie plots with the people she surrounds herself with to Seon-gyeom starting to live with Young-hwa in a small flat rather than to live lonely in a big, fancy hotel room - the things the characters go through in this show are not only talked about, but they’re often expressed through art, in all its forms. And these characters, these dynamics, the art, the conflicts are all subtly but carefully put together into subplots that form the show and very nice messages. The most important take-away I had from this show is that the way we treat us and the people around us is the highest form of art. And the show is a love poem to that.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: the cast (especically the core four), the characters (especially the core four); the wonderful messages about respect, kindness and self-love; the subplots working together, reflecting how life is also not just some simple chronological order of things but rather multiple experiences that we remember and that shape us; life is constant growth.

- Negative: i think the only thing i truly have to criticize is that you never really know what the plot even is. While I do enjoy how the subplots all work together, I would have wished for deeper inspections of some plots. And while it is easy just for some headcanons to come to mind, I still think the show could have incorporated more. Considering the treatment of art forms and how it takes a prominent role within the story (due to Young-hwa and Mi-joo, respectively), I also would have liked to have some cultural nods and references - and interpretations. I think the show used about 85% of its potential - and the potential was great, which is why the rating is still very good.

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5) Bring it on, ghost! Rating: 4,2 / 5 stars - recommend, especially good for people who want to have a focus on romance coupled with a supernatural plot and who want a happy ending

- While the story is pretty easy to follow, often seems to be predictable and familiar, the show still promotes nice messages about forgiveness and regret. The strong side of the show isn’t particularly that though - this show is entirely saved by the two leading actors. Kim So-hyun and Teacyeon portray two incredibly lovable characters you will see yourself drawn to. They furthermore have a chemistry that you just have to love and their bickering is just the best part of all. This is mixed with some tragic moments - in present time as well as in the past - and what you get is a romantic show with a bit of comedy, with a bit of tragedy, but with a very happy ending. If you exchanged the actors with two less skilled actors or two people who simply don’t have a lot of chemistry, this show simply wouldn’t work. Their performances are the shining light of this drama, mixed with some funny side characters that you get to enjoy as well. The reason why it ends up higher on the list than Run On - despite Run On probably having generally the better dialogue writing as well as better camera work and even more beautiful messages - is due to the sole work of the two leads who simply carry this show on their back and the fact that despite having some more or less necessary subplots, there is a main plot here that will take a faster, darker turn in the second half of the show. And I personally just enjoy having a main plot to hold onto as well as I always enjoy a bit of fantasy more than modern day real live shows. On top of that, add some devastating backstory and top-notch character development for Park Bong-pal, and a badass, slightly violent, sassy characterization of Kim Hyun-ji. This show will simply leave you with a huge smile on your face, despite being made for people who enjoy tragedy as well.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: subplots sometimes take the focus, a familiar story, stereotypical portrayal of ghosts (yes, ahre, i said it), no real plot twists (which can be a good thing, too, since the show rather simply unfolds each part of the story over the course of its run)

- Positive: the two leading actors, their incredibly shippable couple, a happy ending. If I was going to recommend a light-hearted, happy kdrama that has some tragic parts but ends happily and isn’t that hard to follow, I’ll recommend you this one.

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4) The Tale of Nok-du. Rating: 4,6 / 5 stars - strongly recommend.

- If you ever are in search for an unproblematic dummy as protagonist, watch this show. He’s a dummy you just have to love. You laugh about him, you laugh with him, you cry for him. He’s a puppy, you cry with him. And the best thing is, this puppy falls in love with a girl who can be quite rude and annoyed, but he always makes her smile and genuinely is attentive to her. The most frustrating thing about both of them is that each of them keeps a secret they cannot tell each other because they refuse to hurt each other - and this almost leads to tragedy. Better even, they’re portrayed by two very skillful actors. You’ll love them in the blink of an eye. And then there’s the cute second lead, portrayed by Kang Tae-oh. Yes, cute. Until he really isn’t. I’ve never seen an actor being able to turn around a character to 180° in no time. Some talent that is. And now let’s just say - the plot is nice. It is not the most complex one, but it is interesting to follow and you are always eager to find out new information to collect and put the pieces together. If you are searching for a show that is simply entertaining and nice to watch and featrures a great cast and nice characters and ranges from comedy to tragedy, this is your pick.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: the narrative change in the middle of the show that shifted the focus away from women to men (even though it made sense within the story, it was still a very sudden and harsh change, especially if you consider that these women were mostly slaughtered to death)

- Positive: CAST (specifically the three mains are just beyond amazing); an innocent, pure, absolutely adorable protagonizing couple that will steal your heart; feminism; male protagonist being a feminist who ends up working with badass women for his entire lifetime; directing; narration practices - this show is the one that draws the line between the ones i discussed above and the really great ones because it is the first on the list to be capable of telling a story by constantly keeping your nerves up while also not overstimulating the viewer with too much information at once. Only the other 3 shows which will follow now were able to do the same - and it’s what makes people watch or quit, and that’s why it’s so important: constant plot development, no unnecessary side plots, and handing your audience enough information to make them keep watching but not enough to guess the entire plot yet. The Tale of Nok-du was able to do exactly that and I honestly enjoyed the ride.

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3) W - Two Worlds. Rating: 4,8 / 5 stars - strongly recommend, must watch.

- I’d like to point out first that my top 3 are interchangeable. I sometimes tend to change my mind which one of the three I adore the most, and W is definitely in those top 3. Firstly, I’d like to let you know that W was my first Kdrama watch. And it blew me away. I was in awe with Lee Jong-suk, with Han Hyo-joo, with the narration of this drama, with the plot, with the direction, with the leading couple, the cast, THE DIALOGUE. Everything about this drama was excellently executed. The slow-moving narration in episode 1, the extra long scene of Chul holding the writer at gunpoint, the writer ‘becoming’ the killer (which he has always been anyway), the philosophy behind it, the creativity. I was blown away by literally everything about this drama and I believe it to be one of the strongest dramas ever made. Furthermore, what I also really adored, is that you don’t need to necessarily be into the couple in order to enjoy this show anyway because the plot takes the spotlight - but since the couple is always involved in the main plot, you get to enjoy plot, dialogue and couple at once. An interesting thing that I want to note here is that a few weeks after finishing the show, I stumbled upon reddits criticizing Lee Tae-hwan for his acting in general. I don’t know if he just perfectly suited the role of Chul’s bodyguard in W, but I highkey enjoyed watching him in this drama.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: I would have adored if Yeon-joo took a more prominent role in the resolution of the story (last 2 episodes) since the ‘hero arc’ went all to Chul there. And another negative aspect is that the show lives from very strong dialogues throughout all episodes, all incredible, all amazing and then - the very last scene. The last words spoken on the show, as a voice-over of Chul and Yeon-joo, are rather dull compared to the rest of the show.

- Positive: narration device, leaving out information to fill us in later and blowing our minds away (PEOPLE, I THOUGHT CHUL DIED), complex main characters, complex plot, no unnecessary subplots, no unnecessary romantic drama, no unnecessary cheesiness, DIALOGUE, direction, the cast in general*.

*I tried Memories of the Alhambra, as I found out that the same people who also made W were in charge of that drama, and I have to admit that I was intensely let down, specifically by the casting. Hyun Bin was alright-ish (not very memorable though), but Park Shin-hye was unbearable for me after episode 3. I stopped watching. If the plot was as interesting as the one of W though, I would have kept watching. But seeing as nothing really happened in those first 3 eps other than the lead killing his old best friend and playing video games that appear to turn into reality, I felt like I was wasting my time.

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2) Extraordinary You. Rating: 5 / 5 stars - strongly recommend for hopeless romantics, people who suffer from second lead syndrome and people who like getting into philosophical debates.

- Extraordinary You was the second kdrama I ever watched. And. And. And. And I almost gave it up after episode one. It seemed somewhat ridiculous to me, way too fast-moving. I would regret my entire life if I had given it up right there and then. Because PEOPLE, IT IS SO GOOD. Not only does it feature a very healthy main couple, it leaves you emotionally devastated because there’s a backstory that you only get to know in the second half of the show but which influences your entire perception of the first half - and jeez, by the time I reached half of the show, I was yelling and screaming and crying my eyes out. You ever want to see a love so deep that it transcends consciousness and universes? A love so deep that time and space become mere nothings? That’s what you get in this show. And one of the best parts is that the ‘’’’’actual’’’’’ lead (in the ancient story within the show, not the story of the show) aka Baek Kyung* does NOT get the girl. But that doesn’t mean you won’t fricking suffer with him. Jeez, I bawled my eyes out for him, too. But Haru/Dan-oh, guys, they’re.... everything. Oh and all of that is nicely mixed up in a strong, complex plot that leaves nothing unexplained. Not everything is explained through words - the show is high on symbolism rather than dialogue - but everything makes sense. And the ending, oh that stupid ending. As beautiful as heartbreaking. Since the plot is put into a philosophical perspective throughout the show, the show also raises questions about existence and being. Yes, I yelled when Heidegger was mentioned. So not only do you get to see a beautiful, heartbreaking love story; adorable, complex characters; time-and-space-transcending friendships, you also get to laugh, cry and think about your own existence and your own place in this world. This show is a delight.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: you will cry and cry and cry and then laugh and then cry and cry and cry. It’s really not fun. Emotionally devastating. No, but for real... I wished we had a more complex depiction of the female characters that aren’t Dan-oh (specifically Ju-da, Sae-mi and Su-hyang), and a bit less focus on the guys therefore (I love them all but I thought the girls could have gotten some screen time of theirs while I would have accepted Jinmichae, Do-hwa and Nam-ju to get a bit less)

- Positive: Honestly? EVerything. Directing, casting, characterization, narration, love story, friendships, everything.

- *Let me say something about Baek Kyung, portrayed by Lee Jae-wook. That character could have simply been an asshole. The set-up was there, the writer of the comic also made him that way. But Lee Jae-wook has portrayed this character with so much depth that it is impossible not to feel bad for him. His entire life stages (hahahaha, I’m so funny) are a tragic mess. The fact that he eventually realizes that who he is and who the writer made him are eventually indeed two different people after all - but that they both share being in love with Eun Dan-oh - is as important as it is devastating. Cause it makes you realize that he can finally move his life more freely with that knowledge - become a better person outside of the stages (only if given the chance by the writer though) - while also never finding a happy ending. Firstly, because happy endings don’t exist in their world anyway because endings - if happy or sad - are always endings to these characters’ existences and because it is glaringly obvious his happy ending would include having Dan-oh by his side also outside of the stages. That is denied to him and will always be denied to him. And as a viewer, you understand that and you want nothing else, but the fact that he doesn’t even appear in the new story, not getting a chance at a new life this time, just adds a tragic notion onto all of this that no one asked for. I’d like to thank Lee Jae-wook here for such an incredible portrayal. I started Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol because of him and, unfortunately, had stop watching after 2 episodes because Go A-ra is simply... a terrible actress. I can’t put it any other way. I’m looking forward to other dramas with him and the rest of the cast though. Extraordinary You definitely had a huge advantage already by having a quite young, but incredibly talented mass of actors and actresses.

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*drumroll*

1) Hotel del Luna. Rating: 5 / 5 stars - strongly recommend, must watch.

- It wasn’t thaaaat surprising to me that I would love this show. It was rather.... obvious that this would happen because a fantasy show set in modern day with the involvement of other time eras and a badass, broken, strong female lead is simply my taste. What I did not expect was this to become my favorite tv show of all time. I don’t even know where to start. I guess Jang Man-wol is a good starting point. Because I live for such characters. Characters like hers are precisely of my taste (I had similar people to her before - Ámbar Smith from Argentina’s Soy Luna or Melody Paz from Argentina’s Casi Ángeles - and also after her - Seo Dan-ah from Korea’s Run On), but Jang Man-wol takes the no.1 spot in all tv characters ever. She’s so layered, so complex, so well-written. She’s not predictable, but she’s also not ever surprising. She comes across as one of the most relatable tv characters you could ever see because she isn’t just one thing. She’s very contrary, she can be soft and loving or harsh and ruthless, sometimes all at the same time. She can be forgiving, she can be arrogant, self-hating, self-loving, lazy, passionate, she is quite literally everything. And while in the show’s set-up she is punished for hundreds of years when other, much more problematic people were allowed to leave this world sooner than her, the narrative wants you to feel sorry for her. You see her flaws, you see she’s anything but perfect but it won’t make you conclude that her punishment was ever deserved. The more you get into this show, the more you will ache. Because you know that there is only one possible ending to the show - for her to finally find peace. And that... that can only be achieved if she finally is allowed to leave this world. And it hurts and pains because, obviously, there is a love story. A love story that goes back to when she was a child 1,300 years ago. A love story that reunites her with the guy who saved her these 1,300 years ago and who now finds her again, someone who makes her care about her life again. As deeper as you go into the show, the more you will cry, the more you will suffer. And you will feel conflicted. You will want her to get her revenge while you will want to protect her. You will want her to finally be able to leave this world, but you won’t want her to leave Chan-sung. You will want her to actually care about her own fate while you will also want her to make the mistakes that worsen everything. It is a beautiful character put into a story that mixes fantasy, comedy, tragedy, soulmates, life, death, revenge, a stunning cinematography and strong dialogues into one. And what you get is the probably best show ever made.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: There is really only one minor thing I’d criticize. While all the chars are rather complex and all subplots and character arcs work within the main plot frame and round up the entire story perfectly, there is one subplot I personally got a bit tired of because it is definitely the most unconnected one to the main plot - this concerns the romance arc of yu-na and hyun-joong. I wasn’t hating it, but I just didn’t need it for this story.

- Positive: This show has everything. I told you above already all the things I like. On top of that, I’d like to add that it has a beautiful found family story arc, promotes wonderful messages, has gotten itself the most excellent leading actress with IU who just beautifully portrays Jang Man-wol in all her depth. The show leaves you with your heart aching while there will be a smile on your face. Emotional devastation is just how this show works.

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- Kdrama I'm currently watching: The Crowned Clown

- Kdramas I plan on watching soon: My Country - The New Age (watched 2 eps so far) | Signal (watched 1 ep so far) | Mr. Queen | Tale of the Nine Tailed | Moon Lovers

- Kdramas I abandoned because I didn’t get into them / disliked them: My First First Love | Goblin | Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol | Memories of the Alhambra

- If you have any suggestions for me based on my likes and dislikes, send them to me. I’m open to everything :)

#w two worlds #w two worlds apart #hotel del luna #extraordinary you #a love so beautiful #radio romance #romance is a bonus book #rookie historian goo hae ryung #the tale of nokdu #bring it on ghost #let's fight ghost #hey ghost let's fight #run on #mischa for ts #kdrama ratings

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