#personally i think we should start glorifying transition more. because it's BEAUTIFUL | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

werevulvi · 4 years

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At this point I feel like I'm just floating between two identities. Like what does it really matter what I decide to call myself? Says the desperate and jaded. I feel like I need to juggle my two different perspectives for a while. I will mostly use tumblr for it when I lean more gender critical, and probably use fb instead when I lean more towards trans thinking, until I figure this shit out for sure. Thus, I will keep being a dysphoric woman here on tumblr, and nonbinary on my fb account. That way I can juggle my two conflicting sides without feeling too much pressure to "just make sense already."

To clarify, my views are mainly gender critical, but it wouldn't be wrong to say that I'm still flirting with TRA views on gender, dysphoria and transition. Essentially, bio sex is the only actually scientifically proven and tangible thing about this all. Laws etc should be based on sex. Sexual attraction is based on sex. Then dysphoria is also a real medical condition, like it's an actual distress and I don't think it's solely caused by social factors. There are lots of different types of dysphoria, alright. As for gender, however... I don't believe in it, but... basically I just respect that other people have an inner sense of gender (like that's their interpretation of their feelings) while I'm still highly critical of WHY they have that interpretation. And I can’t fit myself into my old thinking of gender at all anymore. It is completely alien to me. The spell has broken and I cannot cast it again.

As for my dysphoria, basically what I'm dealing with is (a probably very rare kind of) atypical dysphoria. I like some aspects of female on my body, but not all. I like some aspects of male on my body, but not all. I feel like I should look like a hybrid of male and female, and I feel both belonging and disconnect to/from womanhood and manhood. It is a constant push and pull in both directions, uncomfortably kneading me into a serene middle-ground. That middle-ground is not a compromise; it is a very peaceful and harmonic place for me to be. It's where I'm relieved of my dysphoria. I used to avoid it my whole life, until I finally stopped fighting myself. There is tranquility here, at this inbetween, that I didn't know existed. I'm clearly dysphoric, but I am not FtM - I'm FtX. I do not give a single fuck if you think nonbinary is real or not. What I'm telling you now is: this is my dysphoria and it simply is what it is. Then what you wish to call it and what I wish to call it does not matter.

Anyhow. I just wanted to give that little debrief of my dysphoria so that you'd hopefully understand why I'm struggling so much with labels, because it's not so straight-forward. Another thing I very much want to clarify is that labels are means of communication for me - NOT identity. Just like I use the label lesbian to communicate what my sexual orientation is. That has a clear purpose. For the same reason we call ourselves men or women: it has a clear purpose. Then my question to myself, my oh so eternal question, is: what is the best label for me to communicate to others what I am and/or how I wish to be perceived?

Problem 1: What I wish to communicate (that I'm a bio female person who's happily transitioned) is not the same as what I wish to be seen as (person of indeterminate gender.)

I don't know how to feel about that what I'm mostly assumed to be a male who identifies as a woman. Do I feel bad, ashamed or guilty, for looking like a bad stereotype of trans women? Yes. I think I fear that I will come across as mocking trans women, because my looks are deliberate. I feel bad for copying gnc men. My affinity for feminine stuff like lipstick and dresses, and my absolute refusal to let go of those things, makes me feel guilty in a feminist sense. I don't believe that the way I use femininity is harmful for myself, because I've adapted it to fit my needs of comfort as well as my social goals with it. It is not sexual, it is not restraining or hindering. It is not adhering to societal standards of beauty - if anything it's mocking that.

Yes, I am mocking femininity, but I also use it because it makes me feel less naked, and more expressive. I'm always accompanying my femininity with strong masculine features such as deliberately visible facial hair and body hair, etc. My femininity is not my womanhood, but it is a highly important way for me to express my personality, symbolically. I do not want for people to oogle my naked body, or a careless sack of clothing that I've rushed into - I want for them to see my personality, so that they'll get an idea of who I am before talking to me. But despite all that... I still feel guilty for being genuinely feminine. How can I be authentic, if no matter where I turn, I feel guilt, shame, or fear?

Problem 2: As soon as I claim the nonbinary label I miss calling myself a woman, and as soon as I claim myself as a woman, I miss calling myself nonbinary.

Do I have a gender? Yes and no. It depends on how I look at it. Do I need to have a gender? Not really, but it's easier in most aspects of socialising if I do, because of my appearance. Do I want to have a gender? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I feel like I went into the gender store and bought too many. Now I sit here with a useless pile of trash that cost a fortune. I am terrified to get rid of it. There will be consequences if I do. I've been building up to this moment for almost two years. I am still building up to it. The pile is stinking and I need to take it out to the garbage disposal, but I can't make myself do it. What if I'll need it later? I'm too nostalgic for my own good.

Problem 3: When I don't want to have a gender I'm a proud woman based on my sex, but when I do want a gender, nonbinary feels more right. I can't really make a gender in my brain and then stick to it. I keep picking it up, then tossing it away, then picking it up, then tossing it away, and so on. I want to have the gender cake and eat it at the same time. Sometimes I feel proud to be woman, who takes testosterone and loves her lesbian pussy. But then it gets increasingly uncomfortable and I'd just rather not be anything specific. Then I flip to view myself as a hybrid of man and woman and that feels comfortable and uplifting. Until it doesn't anymore and I miss taking pride in being a woman, and I just don't know what the fuck is up with that.

Perhaps my "identity" is split off from my dysphoria? I dunno what I meant with that thought. Perhaps it came from my lack of social dysphoria. It's just social anxiety over looking weird.

Oh I wish I could try living in a perfect society with no sexism, and see if I'd then always be comfortable with calling myself a woman and freely be this bearded, deep-voiced, charming lady in a gothy dress, wine red lipstick and a pearl necklace, with no need to beat myself up for not being "woman enough." Because I worry that is why I keep reaching for the nonbinary label. Maybe it is out of fear? Maybe the reason I feel good about calling myself nonbinary is rooted in just wanting to be left alone to be a beautifully virilized woman, because I'm never given the chance to be that kinda woman.

It breaks my heart. You know that? You should.

No matter how much testosterone I take and no matter how much I love the effects of it... I am forever female and I love that too. No way in this despicable hell... would I ever want my sex erased. It's profoundly important to me, and such is my transition. I think that is why I stand with one foot in self-loving and the other in the medical result of dysphoria. My body is a cocktail of this and that, a little bit tit for tat, and I revel in its strange combination of exquisite flavours.

I feel like I have transcended the concept of gender, but as a happily transitioned, dysphoric woman, I have a very hard time conveying that to the rest of my little world, and the world at large. What is a woman who is happily transitioned to a goal that falsely mimmics the visual effects of certain intersex and hormonal conditions? Who am I to glorify the visual results of others' suffering? Oh I dunno, but I probably have more respect for them than I do for myself, if that counts as an excuse.

What am I? And how do I move forward in society, as honestly as possible?

What I am... is in the eye of the beholder. Depending on your ideology, you will have a different opinion (boldly assuming that you'd even care at all) but what I think is... there is no one correct answer. Thus, in my desperate search for that one true answer, I cannot win. All I can do is pick whatever makes me the most comfortable, but the only thing that would soothe me is the ultimate truth. (No, that's not it. Keep scrambling.)

I have become a biologist obsessed with finding the truth of God with a microscope. No wonder people are beginning to question my sanity.

("Are you okay?" Uhm no, I don't think so.)

What I need to figure out, is if gender serves me, and if "woman" serves me. But they both do, and I have to make a choice. There I stand, finding that they both serve me, unable to make a choice.

(Somewhere around here, I started going off on a tangent and lost myself in the endless whirls of my heart and mind. So I rolled back the tape, and here I am again. The rest in an over-write.)

How do I see myself? I see myself both as a woman and as nonbinary. Sometimes I need my gender, sometimes I don't. What I am is still the same, but there are many different ways to label me correctly, and THAT is what chafes at me.

Problem 4: I do not want to have a politically charged label. Woman has become a political statement for me, because of my appearance contradicting that statement, and the statement contradicts my dysphoria. It being so politically charged makes me uncomfortable. I wish to just exist as a woman, not declare myself as one. Nonbinary is equally a political statement, of rejecting gender norms which are harmful to everyone. Nonbinary strips the bearer of their sex, and releases the pressure on them to conform. There is the catch. Woman, instead strips the bearer of the freedom to not conform, but releases the pressure of gender. And there I think I've hit the nail on the head. What I wish for... is a label which does not strip me of my sex, nor forces me into conformity to look like my sex. Woman should be that label, but the only way it can ever be... is to put on that armour and fight for it, which I don't want to.

The label woman is too heavy for me, as a male-passing female, to bear in this gender-obsessed world - while nonbinary feels like a betrayal, both to myself and all other women. Nonbinary feels like a happy fantasy, until it shatters upon my realisation that it is not real. Woman feels like the powerful authenticity from the bottom of my chromosomes, until reality hits that it's a very difficult label for me to wear. Then I run away scared into my happy fantasy, but I am tired of continuously shattering and rebuilding myself.

What I want is to fully embrace my womanhood, without running back to the trans community again and again, to cry about how cruel reality is, and please validate my special trans feelings, which of course... the zombies do. I feel like I have Stockholm Syndrome for the trans community. I feel hurt by its sexism and homophobia, which is aimed directly at me as a gender-breaking woman and as a female-exclusive lesbian, yet I keep running back to it, pleading for validation as the utter coward I am! Because I am terrified of being a woman and a lesbian in the real world... while looking like this. I love the way I look, but I am scared and I am ashamed of facing my reflection with pride, as a woman. Because that means something more. It doesn't "just" mean that I'm female, it also means that when I with pride call myself a woman... I am reclaiming the one thing which I ought not to. No one shames a trans man or dysphoric enby for wanting a beard and loving taking testosterone... but the second a "cis" woman does? You know that is different. Cis is a lie, but I am real. I'm a woman, and I love testosterone flowing through my veins. My true beliefs... lie with radfem, and I'm only "making space" for gender in those beliefs to not hurt my loved ones' feelings.

How am I supposed to handle and move beyond this? Will it ever get easier?

Problem 5: It's not the nonbinary bush I have been beating around... it's the radfem bush. I have not been honest about my sense of self, anywhere else than here on tumblr. I do not want a gender label on my feelings. Gender is so harmful and I need to stop being its martyr. Can I accept and respect other people for having genders? Sure, whatever, I don't particularly care what people choose to call their feelings, as long as laws aren't being built around those feelings. But I can't for the life of me stop squirming at the idea of ME having a gender again. It is uncomfortable. Get the fucking parasite off me! Gender has been poisoning me again lately. It was a mistake to look into it again. It has been clouding my vision, because I forgot what truly matters: To look like whichever gender expression I wish, to act out whichever gender role I want, to treat my dysphoria however I see fit for myself, but not to lie about what I am: female=woman.

Problem 6: I am free without gender, but I am also incredibly vulnerable. As if I was completely naked before the whole world. Then even wearing a clown suit feels better in comparison.

Solution: I need to break up with the trans community. That toxic relationship has been going on for way too long now. I don't care if I lose all of my friends over it. I need to break free, and liberate my womanhood, because I have been shackling her. No matter how hard it is. I need to face my fear, guilt and shame. I need to tell myself that it's okay to hurt, but that it will get better. I need to stop reaching for nonbinary whenever I feel scared and ashamed to be a woman. I can cry about how hard it is... but never give up.

My dysphoria does not define me, and I refuse to let it.

#gender critical #gnc female #reclaiming womanhood #gender dysphoria #battling the nonbinary label #i ended up tumbling down into some deep thinking again #i cried several times writing and editing this #if only i could just get my shit together #radfem #transition #former trans man

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creative-ive · 4 years

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Freudian by Daniel Caesar (Album Review)

Freudian by Daniel Caesar

Daniel Caesar, the Canadian R&B and soul singer-songwriter, risked it all for his music career. He became frustrated by his stagnation and moved to the city; homeless pursuing stardom. The night of his graduation he left with a garbage bag full of clothes. Where he had to make his own family. He struggled early with his parents because of his desire to sing love songs in which they would tell him, “if you’re not going to sing songs glorifying God, anything that isn’t doing that specifically is glorifying Satan.” To which they finally came down to a mutual understanding that “God is love.”

“This whole album is the arc from the inception to the death of just the most intense relationship of my life.” – Beats 1 Interview

Get You became his breakout single which has amassed millions of streams pushing him into mainstream stardom. The song entails him being awe-struck with his capability of getting such an out of this world and way above his perceived “type” of a lover. The world is constantly experiencing droughts, famine, and natural disasters. Daniel explains how whenever he’s with her it’s like being in their own world. The song is in a self-reflective state where Daniel feels he doesn’t deserve everything he’s been given but simultaneously appreciative of it. In this relationship, they were both going through so many things together so being able to have that enhanced their bonding. He states that during this period he would have nonstop sex because there was nothing better to do. This is the first moment that Caesar introduces a principle of Freud, with the id. The id is the unconscious, impulsive part of the psyche which operates on the “pleasure principle” which seeks immediate pleasure and gratification. Kali Uchis states, “the memories, it’s all just memories” may allude to the suppression principle included in Freud’s studies. Kali displays gratitude towards her lover knowing that nothing is forever and to appreciate what you have now.

Best Part is the smooth honey-like duet we didn’t know we wanted. Alongside H.E.R. they express their adoration for their significant other. The beauty of being someone’s favorite anything is something long romanticized and fantasized about. He compares her to water when you’re stuck in a desert as someone he can’t live without. She is “the sunshine of [his] life” which is ironic that she is both the water that quenches him and the sunshine on his life which would dehydrate him in the first place. Despite the duality of love, she is the best part of his life. In a digital generation, the importance of movies and videos is extreme. A favorite movie is usually held close to someone’s heart and calling a lover the “best part” about it, is worth swooning over. “If you love me won’t you say something,” is both a plea and a question. Unaware if this person feels requited love for him. Often when you begin to hang out with someone feelings rise to the point of uncertainty – do they feel the same? Especially if they become the best part of your life’s movie. In a subtle beg, he whispers “love me, won’t you…?”

Hold Me Down, an interesting tale of insecurities and love that is tearing apart at the seams. It starts off with a soft conversation between Daniel and his girl asking “could you, could you say? ‘I love you Danny’” to which she replies, “you want me to?” and then she does. It then transitions into the chorus, “if you love me baby let me hear you say it,” he is certain that he is her favorite despite being left in the basement, thrown on the pavement. This imagery reminds me of Toy Story where Andy first gets Woody and expresses such love and admiration for it. Daniel/Woody’s ego blinds him to see no other reality but the fact he is the favorite despite being played with like a toy. Daniel becomes infatuated to the point he’s willing to start a family with her. He even astral projects into another dimension of how great the sex feels. He shows his imperfections by saying his spectacle of a life is a sad story and hopefully one day he will find glory – hopefully with her alongside him for the flight. All he wanted was to take her to “higher heights” yet she resisted leaving her comfort zone. He even acknowledges she had “dreams of a better life” possibly marriage but this time there seemed to be no hope of “making it through.” In the bridge, the female is introduced in the form of conversation with Daniel’s previous statements. On how Daniel is traveling far away with music that she’s left behind with pain where she begins to carry resentment. With his success bubbling the superego of Daniel could be strengthening to the point she is asking him who he thinks he is, “some kind of celebrity?” and threatening him to ‘wait and see’ if she sticks around much longer because of that. All Daniel asks her is to stay true to him and having to remind her of all the things he does. He played the game (music industry/being a toy) where all he wants is for the moment; some reassurance that she will hold him down.

Neu Roses (Transgressor’s Song), tells a story of his girlfriend who cheats on him. Neu Roses is wordplay for new roses/neurosis which portrays two forms of a dying relationship brought by infidelity hence she transgressed the trust. “Neurosis is a relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality.” This girl still recalls the fateful day she threw the love away of Daniel. It appears the resentment she held in the previous song caused her to act out of spite only later to beg for him not to leave. She realized that she made a big mistake, and to not “turn [her] sunshine to shade” as once she was that to him. She then states, “I know this is a game we play,” which would make it seem that they both had their “friends too” while she always came back because he took her breath away. He admits he “fucked with some empty cups” meaning hollow sex with multiple girls. He knows she has various partners, but he doesn’t want to run out on his luck, so he considers stopping from running amok. This could be reaction formation, a Freudian concept which one would switch unacceptable impulses into their opposites or a form of passive aggressiveness. Projection is another term that could be used here in his need to call her out for his own mistakes.

Loose is Daniel talking to himself about his toxic relationship and rationalizing the need to cut the rope. He begins to realize that she has built a depression (cloud over her head raining with thunder). The positives are outweighed by the negative. He is quick to lose patience with her and cause fights. He calls himself out on being a coward because he isn’t helping anyone not even himself by grasping onto a dead relationship. Daniel contemplates his power in this relationship and how if he can’t do it for himself, he should do it for her. Often, we see only the good in others we are with to the point that we stick out through horrid cycles of pain. We can’t seem to let go of what brings sunshine to your life and scared of the darkness that comes after.

We Find Love, a song about the beauties in the ugly of a relationship. He comes off in somber tone aware of the fact that it’s over, but still nostalgic about the good times. “You don’t love me anymore, let’s see how you like this song,” is a spiteful statement coming from a place of resentment and ego. He immortalizes her through this album, that’s where his power lies – in the success he obtains. He realizes since the day they met she was the “girl of his dreams” which is what Get You entails but deep down he knew they could never be no matter how hard they try. The hearts fragile tendencies fall down into which they break into pieces. This seems to showcase the cycle of what love is - finding it, uplifting your spirits, falling down, and then ultimately giving up on the love you would have died for.

Blessed showcases Daniel’s vulnerable state of awareness to his flaws. He has become dependent on this girl to the point he can’t go a moment without her. Her presence must be around or else he feels empty. Despite his horrible traits, he feels blessed to have a girl that is willing to stick with him through all his trials and tribulations. He considers her a home despite how broken he is, he will come back to her.

Take Me Away, he wants to sit back and enjoy the creation that God has manifested to him in the form of a beautiful woman who’s willing to cater to him. “Every time she tops me off, it’s celebration,” this is a double entendre for when you top off champagne it’s filled up to the brim and that she is performing oral sex on him as he sits back – what a reason to celebrate. “She loves to top me off … all she wants to do is please me.” Her willingness to perform oral sex on him is possibly due to an oral fixation she has which is an ideal of Freud through the oral stage. He asks himself what life has become due to his “strange new love” he has with her where they don’t speak much. The communication comes in the form of lust. She begs him to take her away to an orgasmic state. This next line I believe is the central and most crucial line in the whole album due to is the central theme of Freud, “Every time I go inside of your protected, place with reverence, I’m reminded of a time I was neglected.” It could mean at a time where he felt neglected in a relationship, but more so I believe it’s from neglect of love from his parents specifically his mother. His adoration and admiration of constant sex and wanting to escape reality comes from the psychosexual stages of the id’s pleasure-seeking energies – genital stage. This is the personality development concepts that Sigmund Freud discovered in his career.

Transform, the premise of the entire song is the ego and his battle with it for love. “If a leopard never changes its spots, how can I change what I’ve got?” he questions the way nature is and how it’s unfair that he’s expected to change if no one never questions the natural course that animals live their lives. Ego is in the way of his ability to change for his lover. He could feel mad now but once it fades away he will not have her there – a lonely life in the kingdom. He’s aware of his non-attractiveness so if this girl loves him, maybe he should come around. He’s addicted to her love and the energy with it, he baptized himself because it “saved his soul like Jesus.”

Freudian like DNA intertwines two strands of both his mother and his lover. The first verse has Daniel expressing to his girl that she is the reason she sings and hopes to preserve her in the form of art (or save their relationship). He takes a moment to thank her for saving his life and giving him advice that ultimately changed his life despite how they ended. The second verse is about his mother and the need to bring her honor. Through psychoanalysis, people are driven by two things: life instinct (the need for sexual and emotional bonding) and death instinct (aggressive drive). Sigmund Freud is famous for his Oedipus Complex which is characterized by a boy experiencing a form of sexual desire toward his mother or vice versa (for a female). The fact that he went back and forth with both his mother and girlfriend brings about the concept in an interesting way. We long for the reflection (or opposite) of our parent in our lovers. “Send me kisses when it’s grey skies, it’s been so long, look how time flies, if you love me won’t you let me know,” shows a longing for his past lover of wanting to know if she still has feelings for him. He now has the same grey skies he would give her and his sunshine is long gone.

Freudian (Outro), plays on an organ as Daniel sinks into an abyss of his own mind. “Isn’t it nice, human sacrifice,” and the universe’s form of “natural selection” of people and of ourselves. In many ways, that girlfriend is dead to him. As aforementioned, the “death instinct” is apparent here in his ability to sacrifice himself as an artist.

In his Beats 1 interview, he says, “I’m trying to live out Hero’s Journey, it’s sacrifice to a point… I’m putting my business out there.” The supernatural or even superego, where he meets helpers along the way in the form of lovers, to his death and rebirth, transformation and return to his highest being.

My personal favorite lines are: “They say I’m a martyr, charge that to my ego, I just want all the lights.”

He hears others call him a martyr for being vulnerable which only boosts his ego in thinking he is sacrificing himself for the greater good. When his selfishness drives him to only pursue his name in lights rather than for humanity. He continuously takes the “easy way out” each time where he brings dishonor to his own self.

“Vulnerability is the greatest thing. The reward is very high but the price is… [the danger is there, fear is there] but I guess that’s why it’s so awesome, ya know?”

The thrill of being open with your flaws is admirable for not many are able to accomplish such a feat in a compelling way. The risk to be shamed, “killed” through critique, and the online trolls that are out there in this world.

“It’s Freud, I’m trying to analyze, I’m like looking at myself, trying to figure myself out. It’s like looking in the mirror.”

To look at others we can easily project our fears and perceptions onto them without realizing it. However, the bravest thing one can do is look at themselves, look within themselves to decipher one’s own code. Why we are the way we are, psychoanalyze not just our positive but embracing our negative to become the complete hero.

Written by Erik De La Cruz

https://erikthegenius.com/

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anything-advice-blog · 7 years

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Submission - relationship problems that are driving me insane and could hurt someone i care about

For the record, I’ll just have you know I’m a girl in high school who’s DEFINITELY somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality (I’m not aromantic and I’ve masturbated multiple times in the past and I’m pretty sure I’m bi but with a romantic preference for guys…but if I were to ever do something physical I’d probably prefer it with a girl tbh?? idk if that’s weird or if that information was neccessary but in case it helps)

So I’m kind of in a relationship with this guy, and trust me, he’s amazing. He’s extremely caring and compassionate and loves me very much. Of course, he wants to get physically intimate (nothing huge, just maybe hand holding or hugging or cuddling or whatever). We’re both fifteen and very socially awkward nerds, and openly aware of it. Neither of us have kissed anyone yet, like not at all, and he’s asked multiple times if he can kiss me, and every single time I’ve turned him down. We have many deep philosophical conversations, also some about science and politics (though he knows a lot more than I do), and he’s just truly profound and brilliant and emotional but rational. He’s very empathic, open minded and understanding, guided by a strong moral compass…not to mention he’s a huuuuge meat lover and I’m actually succeeding in turning him vegan (logic and ethics always get to him). Thing is, I’m not easily fooled by men and their lies. I’m fully conscious when someone is acting/lying or gold-digging, and when I’m being manipulated, and I’ve known this guy VERY WELL for like two years now. We were best friends before we decided to tell each other how we feel, and he is very honest and sincere. He doesn’t try to act like something he’s not and while he’s polite, he truly doesn’t care what others think of him. We’ve both had psychological problems in the past and have counselled each other and helped each other through it (although I think I’ve helped him a lot more than he’s helped me. He’s been in a constant depressive state for like three years and honestly probably would’ve still been really depressed and unhappy if I hadn’t come along…obviously a three-year depression can’t go away completely just like that but for the first time in forever he’s really, truly happy). I make him incredibly happy and I know how much he loves me. In fact, he knows I’m uncomfortable with physical affection and is literally willing to wait as long as it takes for me. I mean, dude. The guy is fucking amazing. He’s super clingy and mushy and lovey-dovey and he knows I hate that shit so he’s trying to cut down on it as much as possible and give me space to let me breathe, and he’s in it for the long term. Dude. He actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me and no other girl.

But.

Here’s the big fat fucking problem. There’s two obstacles in the way of our happiness together. There’s me. There’s my fucked up mind. I’ve done this before with another guy, who actually happens to be one of his friends. See, this guy was (is) smart, and although he’s not as deep and philosophical as my current “boyfriend”, he was super chill and understanding. Truly amazing. He liked me for exactly who I was and constantly told me I was beautiful and smart, that I was worth it and enough and deserved the best. Kind of like my current boyfriend, he reassured me and reminded me to love myself and help me get over some fears of mine. 10/10 Tumblr’s dream boyfriend. And I eventually got bored of him somehow. My attraction began to fade until I had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever and I dumped him. The worst part is that I didn’t even dump him. I just ignored him until he got the hint. He picked up on it pretty quickly, too. After a few days of texting “I love you, I don’t want to lose you, I feel like you don’t like me anymore, what’s wrong, are you okay?” he finally just gave up. I avoided him like the plague until time made us strangers again, and now the two of us don’t acknowledge the past at all. It’s like it never happened. We just pretend it never existed and have never mentioned the giant elephant in the room, and now we just hang out regularly with our group of friends and joke like we used to.

First obstacle, like I said, is my fucked up mind. Here’s the thing about me. I’m what people call a heartbreaker, which honestly sounds cool and sexy and glamorous, the way strong empowered women who eat men for breakfast are glorified in edgy pop songs, but it’s honestly a psychological problem. And I’m not popular or slutty or anything, I’m just one of those girls, a tease who doesn’t know what the fuck she wants. And I don’t want to be one of those fantasy tough badass bitches that every heartbroken girl aspires to be, those who chew hearts up, spit them out and leave them in the dust. I don’t want to hurt good people. My current boyfriend doesn’t deserve me, but he also doesn’t deserve getting his heart broken. And I’m terrified because I can practically feel how crushed he’d be. He’d never get over it. If I dumped him, it would haunt him forever and I’d lose my best friend because we won’t be able to talk openly anymore. I’ll heal eventually (pretty soon actually), but he’d never be the same.

Another thing. I have really severe anxiety, multiple forms of it diagnosed by a professional, and avoidant personality disorder. I don’t confront my problems. Anything even slightly out of my comfort zone, I just can’t face directly. I can’t even present in front of a class. Today I cut class cause of a presentation I was totally ready for…I literally had like eleven lines of dialogue…but I skipped because the class was full of judgemental ass Enhanced students who already knew I was like four levels dumber than them. I just couldn’t deal with it. I avoid everything and then it just piles up until I just break down and have a serious twenty-minute panic attack.

Not to mention I’m super weird with affection and don’t want to hug or cuddle or hold hands or god forbid kiss, let alone do anything even remotely sexual. I just don’t like other people touching me. Romantic physical gestures just make me tense up and I get super awkward. Now, I’m not sure if my asexual ass is just wired this way or if I’m just really young and inexperienced and will get used to it in time. Maybe it’s cause I’m fifteen and overthink everything and am always super uncomfortable, or maybe this condition is permanent. Either way, I also fear longterm commitment

Okay. Second obstacle.

Of course, there’s another guy.

This guy I’ve liked for almost five years. Literally, since the first day of middle school when I first laid eyes on him, I was completely infatuated. All my dreams and fantasies were of him. Like, in my mind, we have already been married for decades and had three children (okay not literally, my biggest fear is actually having kids…my worst nightmares are of pregnancy and labor and giving birth and raising human beings and paying rent/taxes/bills and public transit and adulting but you get what I’m saying).

And guess what? My current boyfriend and I officially started going out the day after Valentine’s Day, this year. Because on Valentine’s Day, I found out the love of my life had a girlfriend.

(Actually, he has multiple flings and one girl I think is serious, but she’s long distance and both of them are perfectly okay with each other hooking up with other people while they’re not in the same country. Every year he goes overseas for the summer and during the summer they’re an official couple, but every other day of the year they literally tell each other everything. Like about the different people in their life and who they’ve hooked up with, and they’re both perfectly fine with it for some reason?? I don’t get it. It’s not even a polyamorous relationship. The guy just has a bunch of side hoes who he feels no emotional attatchment to…and, he reassured me, it’s completely mutual…and he just sometimes gets physical with when he’s lonely. But all of them know they’re not the only girls in his life and are okay with it because he’s also not the only guy in their life and they don’t like each other, they just make out or whatever?? Honestly, I don’t understand how it works at all but whatever.)

So my dilemma is that you can’t get over a crush…just like that. And the funny thing is, my current boyfriend is the only reason that middle school crush of mine even knows I exist now.

Okay, I think I should start using code names now;

X = current boyfriend, Y = middle school crush with a lot of side chicks

It’s hilarious because Y is the hot popular stereotypical fuckboy (or at least I thought he was…he’s not as shallow or superficial, and he’s aware of his ego and tries his best not to act as entitled/obnoxious as those douchebag friends of his that he doesn’t even like, and he’s actually really emotional but doesn’t show it and never lets himself be vulnerable) and he never once batted an eye in my direction, and NOW we are actually really good fucking friends.

All because of X.

See, X knew I liked Y, and although he liked me (a lot!), he pushed those feelings aside to help set me up with Y, because he considered my happiness more important than his own (and still does, which is why it’s so difficult to ever break his heart and I feel ridiculously guilty for even thinking like this). He got us talking, and now although Y is one of those hypersocial extroverts that adapts to their environment really easily and can fit in literally anywhere (the guy doesn’t have a specific clique, he can literally just hang out with anyone), he actually chooses to spend his lunches with my group of friends. And I’m not trying to make it sound like he’s gracing us with his superior presence and aura of popularity and coolness. He genuinely enjoys our company. I’ve noticed that although he’s ultracool and popular and everyone wants to hang out with him, he’s always just wandering alone with his earbuds in. Guy’s a loner by choice because he’s sick of his usual crowds…they’re either street thugs, drug lords and juvenile delinquents who are a really bad influence on him (I’m talking like the actual hood here, filled with criminals, gangfights and crystal meth), or the seriously dumb brain-fried stoners who do nothing but play video games and talk shit (these people are seriously stupid…they can barely form coherent sentences and have all dropped out of or failed school) OR the plastic popular crowd (who are all super fake, self centred and obsessed with their image).

He’s been making an effort to distance himself from these people. And it’s not that he’s one of us now. He’s not a meme-obsessed nerd who always cracks sick jokes about drugs and sex but has literally zero experience with any of it, because although we all have a dark, dry, fucked up sense of humor, we work hard, care about school and homework/chores and family duties, and get good grades, alwhile having our own geeky hobbies and quirks and pleasures, like computer programming or gaming or music or visual art and Photoshop. (X and my ex are both into computer programming, although X is a lot better and is basically kind of a genius when it comes to computer tech and programming. Y is a pitch perfect musical prodigy who composes amazing songs, can pick up on the chords to a new one in five minutes after listening to it for the first time, and can play the guitar and harmonica at the same time expertly. They’re both super talented and passionate about these things. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about their personalities, I don’t know what will.)

Sorry. I’m getting too into detail

Thing is, I don’t think I love either of them. Or I might love both of them in different ways. But the thing is, I don’t know what love is. I don’t know if I can love. And I want to be loyal and devoted to X and love him as much as he loves me but it’s so damn hard with Y around. I don’t think I love Y as much as I love the idea of Y. I just love the way Y makes me feel. He’s kind of unstable and unpredictable (exactly the kind of wild mad love affair you want in high school but won’t last a day after grad) and a life with him would be fun. I’d never be bored, and I’d constantly feel the same rush of adrenaline I’ve always felt around him. You know, the typical stomach butterflies and pounding/racing heart and blood rushing to your brain, making you act crazy and be bold and do daring things. I’m somewhat of a thrill seeker.

But here’s the thing.

A relationship with Y, any plain fool could see, will not last. Let’s say, hypothetically, he does feel something for me. (He probably doesn’t, although X and my best female friend have said they’ve noticed something different about his behavior around me.) What then? We flirt, he gets me to smoke a joint or two, then eventually he pushes for deeper physical intimacy and I’m super nervous around him and want to take it ridiculously slow (because, let’s face it…if I’m uncomfortable doing anything with X, I’ll be awkward and self conscious as hell with Y). After a while, he gets tired of my unwillingness to reciprocate his sexual needs and calls up one of the many girls waiitng in line.

Now, I’m not saying he’d do this. He himself has told me today that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship at the moment, just light flings that everyone’s chill with, but if he were to meet a girl he was serious about spending the rest of his life with, he would immediately tell all of his Saturday night hookups that he has a girlfriend and he would be committed in the long term. But I have trust issues bordering on paranoia. I’m suspicious of everyone. Especially him.

A relationship with X, however.

X isn’t as physically attractive as Y is. Y is tall and blond and toned and takes great care of his appearance. He works out at the gym and has a haircut that costs more than ten bucks and actually wears clothes that he knows make him look hot. X actually has a very handsome facial structure and in ten, twenty, thirty years, X is going to fill out his scrawny skin-and-bones build and look a lot better than Y will.

And I know he loves me and cares for me and will never leave me, no matter what, or try to push me out of my comfort zone or make me do anything I don’t want to do. He wants what’s best for me and just wants me to be happy and healthy, even if it means sacrificing his own best interests in the process. That I can be sure of. The guy has no ulterior motives. He’s genuine and open and tells me things even if it’s embarrassing (and honestly sometimes I wish he would know where to draw a line when sharing shit, if you know what I mean). And unlike hedonistic Y, who drinks and smokes, X cares way too much about his neurons and physical/mental health in general to do anything like that.

Now, you probably see no dilemma. You’re thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with this kid? Where the fuck was X when I was in high school? Is X even real? He’s literally every girl’s dream. Y is a self destructive brain damaged stereotypical misogynistic fuckboy and that will never change.”

Well, it’s the current way they make me feel.

X was the best best friend I could ask for, back when we were nothing but best friends. He was someone I shared a deep bond with, a very close personal connection that was definitely more than platonic. There was always this chemistry. We just clicked.

But right now, he’s starting to bum me out. And no. It’s definitely not him. It’s just me. I know everyone’s heard this a million times but it’s true. He’s not doing anything wrong or different. His presence is simply smothering. I feel like I can’t breathe. (Not in a romantic way. In a miserably suffocating way.)

I have no idea what’s wrong with me or why I feel this way. It’s entirely possible that I only feel like this because I’m not quite over Y yet, and if I just give it time and hang on for a few more months, I’ll forget about Y and learn to truly appreciate X.

But what if I don’t? What if we just grow so distant that in the end I push him away completely because I can’t having Y so close yet so far away?

(Okay, this is starting to sound really dramatic and edgy. But seriously.)

My dilemma is that if I dump X, he’ll be heartbroken and I won’t be able to live with myself (okay not literally but the guilt would drive me insane) and he’d be really depressed (which he doesn’t deserve and goddammit I love him, I don’t want him to be unhappy). But stay with X and not tell him anything, I’LL be unhappy. I’ll suffer because Y, the guy I’ve been hopelessly in love with since the beginning of time, the guy I’ve always dreamt was my soulmate and would be my forever, is standing right there just out of reach…not to mention it would be horribly unfair to X to hide and pretend and act like everything’s okay. I’d be living a lie.

(And the worst part, if I cheat on X with Y. Like, what the fuck am I thinking?? Who am I anymore??? Don’t worry, I’m definitely not actually planning on doing it. Ever. I’d hate myself forever.)

Either way this goes, I’m guilty. I’m either a cheater, a liar, or a heartbreaker. Whichever way this goes, I’m a horrible person.

Unless we go for the scariest but most morally right scenario. I tell X exactly what’s going on. We talk about it, then I decide if I should tell Y. The problem is, this road is so unpredictable, full of twists and turns. It’s ethical, but it’s terrifying and could result in tension all around.

My question is; seriously, is there ANY way to deal with this where EVERYONE is happy??

(I’ll take “moderately content” by this point.)

It was extremely difficult to admit my feelings to myself. I know it’s wrong. That’s why I’m writing you. I’m so sorry about this long-ass novel. It probably sounds like the most dramatic clichè ever but human emotions are a lot more complicated than that and I want to know how to be happy without hurting anyone, because so far, every scenario I’ve played out in my head, no one really wins. I really need advice on this from someone older and more experienced. Insight from multiple sources with different opinions would be very much appreciated. Thank you so much for this blog, and for taking the time to actually read through all of this. Sorry it’s so long.

(P.S. I think I forgot to mention that X and I are kind of the unofficial school therapists. Everyone trusts X 100%, and he knows literally everyone’s deepest darkest secrets and has never uttered a word about them to anyone. Also, a lot of people seem to think I’m trustworthy and confide in me, although I see myself as somewhat of a mild gossip, and they seek help from me. Y is currently my only “patient”. He has a serious weed problem and has even considered mushrooms once but I talked him out of it, thankfully. He lives for new psychedelic/spiritual experiences and I’m helping him quit smoking and develop a more sensible, stable mindset. My “nurturing methods”, as he called them, are quite effective, according to him, and although I don’t see much progress, he claims I’ve helped him a lot since we met.

P.P.S. You know how I cut class today? I skipped with him and we had a very long and enlightening conversation and he told me a bunch of personal stuff and then I kind of told him about my problem with X and relationships in general. I said I wasn’t affectionate or romantic and didn’t like clingy partners and always pushed people away, but I didn’t tell him he was a big part of the reason my attraction to X was fading. Seriously. I’d rather die. And now Y and my mother are the only humans on earth who know X and I are drifting apart.

P.P.P.S. Y told me to keep X. He told me that he could see how much X loved me and how happy I made him, and that he didn’t deserve to be dumped like that, all of which I already knew and made me feel worse because he was right. Then he told me if I were to drop him…like, if the relationship was seriously making me unhappy…I had to do it in the gentlest way possible and be super careful not to hurt him. He also told me that I should tell X everything I told Y, because clear communication and mutual trust are the foundation upon which successful relationships are built upon. Funny enough, X said the same thing. I. Am. Freaking. Out. Please help me.)

I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. Any guidance you can offer would be very much appreciated.

hey, just another note on a past submission

You know how the asexual bicurious “heartbreaker” high school girl who sent you that submission about her current boyfriend X and the guy she’s liked forever Y? Yeah, just another note on it.

I JUST WANTED TO ADD THAT IT’S NOT URGENT, BUT IT IS VERY TIME SENSITIVE BECAUSE I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND CAN’T PREDICT MY OWN ACTIONS AT THIS POINT.

Please tag your response with “stellaster” (don’t ask, it’s a unique personal thing that doesn’t have a tumblr tag)

=====================================

Hey love,

So first off, no. There is not a way that you can end things and everything can be happy, immediately. That’s the key word. We all find our ways to happiness sooner or later. We are all heartbroken and sad after a break and that’s completely normal so expecting for X to be happy even after breaking up is unrealistic. He’ll be unhappy and you can only hope that he’ll find his way and he’ll become happy again. But staying with him while you don’t love him or care for him in the way that he thinks you do, that would also make him unhappy as well. It’ll lead him to think that he’s making you unhappy and no one wants to do that to the ones they love. You also said that if you leave him and break his heart he’ll never be the same again. While this may be true, you don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing. No one bounces back after having their heart broken loving so fervently. However, he can become stronger. Will he be more cautious? Maybe, but we can hope that he’ll love again. You don’t know that someone else won’t come along and prove him that he deserves the best of everything.

I think the best thing you can do right now is to be honest with X about your relationship. Let him know that you don’t feel a strong emotion for him anymore. Let him know that while you realise it’s safe to be with him in the long run, you just don’t feel the rush of emotions that you want and you may not love him the same way he loves you. It’s important that you’re honest in all of your relationships because everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves an honest partner. I don’t know what else you want to do in regards to Y since he said he didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship and you don’t seem to feel that it’ll be more than a hot moment of adrenaline either. But it may be better for all three for you to take some time and discover yourselves. You’re still in high school. You’re all young and there’s still sooooo many years ahead of you. So explore. If you realise that you still love X or Y later, maybe you can reconnect. While you’re discovering yourself, you can remain friends.

As for love, no one really defines love in the same way as others. So I would advise that you start thinking about what it means for you personally. When you think about love, when you think about soulmates, what do you expect from it? Don’t base it on what others think. What do you think it should mean? For me, a soulmate means a home. It means someone who accepts you for all that you are. Someone who is willing to die for you but also is willing to live as passionately for you. Someone who makes you feel safe, not just physically but emotionally as well. But a soulmate is also someone who challenges you to become better. To be a better person, to make you want to take on tasks that fear you and overcome them. That’s what it means to me. So while my soulmate may not be a romantic partner, it can be a platonic partner as well. So figure out what it means to you. And you know what? You may not figure it out for a while. You may not know for a while, and that’s fine too.

I don’t think you’re strange for having an aversion to physical touch. Touch aversion is not uncommon for asexuals. I would adivse that you look up more on asexuality and touch aversion. It’s not an uncommon phenomenon. It’ll help you find soe peace with what you’re feeling rather than feeling out of sorts and weird. Explore your seuxailty and your romantic preferences. A lot of people have different preferences and the world is no longer black and white anymore. There’s a million shades of grey in between and we just have to learn to navigate ourselves based on our feelings. So you may find out later that you’re not as romantic as you had thought. You may be aromantic or demiromantic. You may only want a QPP instead of a lover in your life. Whatever it is, exploration of self is the best adventure to go on.

I hope this helps a little. I tried to tackle everything as best as I could. I hope everything works out.

Always by your side,

Kelly

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theherblifeblog · 5 years

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Get to Know Vol. 2 Cover Queen Kerestin aka BigBodyMami

By Jessica Nudo

Some of the most important conversations happening around the cannabis industry involve storytelling. I will never grow tired of listening to how this plant has changed lives and redirected careers.

I recently spoke with Vol. 2 cover queen Kerestin (aka Keke), a diversely skilled advocate for the community. Our conversation took place on a sleepy Saturday morning while most others indulged over brunch. But not us - we had a phone date and I was eager to learn more, especially when I learned of our quasi similar backgrounds in beauty and what brought her into cannabis to begin with. It’s a unique transition, no doubt, but a well-rounded background crafts an informed voice.

Kerestin’s focus is on community, connection and self love and she creates incredible content as a beauty, sex and relationship blogger who is quickly becoming a role model for those experiencing difficulty navigating this complicated dating world (present!). But her work doesn’t stop there, in fact it starts with her full-time hustle as a housing advocate, supporting the cannabis space and beyond.

“I have a huge passion for people and their well-being and try to show that in all aspects of my life. One of the biggest focuses is being able to connect with people, namely those who are in vulnerable populations. Working as a cannabis advocate has allowed me to achieve a balance.”

For Kerestin, everything she does is rooted in empowerment, and it shows in her instagram stories. Whether posing questions for her followers or for the camera, discussing and embracing sexuality has been a driving force in conversations.

Leveraging power of the internet to become social change warrior.

With a diversified experience portfolio, she has managed bring change in all corners of the community, both independently and through collaborations with the well-known Ladies of Paradise. By combining a variety of interests and industries, Kerestin reaches a broad audience through a grassroots approach of just keeping it real, honest and free of sponsorship bias or influences. A rare approach in an online world of easily swayed opinions where many prefer to take the money and run, because above all else, she prioritizes fostering her connection to her follower base.

“Working at Ladies (of Paradise) for me is about connecting women and female identities to an industry that has past been male dominated and creating space. My main focus with Instagram is providing a profile that will inspire people and offer something authentic for them to connect with.”

Ah-ha moment on cannabis and career

So what was the pivotal moment that sent Kerestin on the green path? It started with an injury that left her in a dark place after treating the pain with pharmaceutical medication. Determined to take care of her body in a more natural way, she found herself gravitating to the plant-based remedy lifestyle that yielded many benefits without potential harmful side effects.

Just like for many of us, trial and error played a role in while navigating the overwhelming selections of strains, formulas and other learnings that mama cannabis has to offer. The discovery of products containing CBD and THC not only changed her life, but she felt empowered by her choices by opting to purchase products that were helping her to make a difference instead of just masking the pain.

Top Shelf Beauty

We’ve seen how influencers on social media have an impact on re-defining the beauty narrative, especially within the green space. When Kerestin began working with Ladies of Paradise, it presented more opportunities to discover new products and share her findings with an engaged audience. Her background in hairdressing and aesthetics provided her with the knowledge to cut through the noise of glorified brands and focus on those with quality ingredients and truer brand power.

Her must haves include Humble Flower’s THC lotion with jasmine flower, massage oil and relief balm. As for beauty, she swears by MILK’s CBD mascara (brb, checking out Sephora). To cure what’s on the inside as well as the outside, her daily routine includes a dose of wildflower CBD.

“With LoP, I came into the shop early as a model and just fell in love with the message and social justice piece. I was thrilled to come on board and help the team to apply this in their creative direction.”

She’s worked with companies who exercise a certain awareness when executing a campaign, and if there’s one key takeaway, it’s the importance of being mindful with what you say and how your messaging is presented. “People pay attention to what you say. Whether you have a hundred followers or a million - people are watching.”

Speaking from experience, Kerestin has showed up to photoshoots where the brand has pulled images for where the mood board are from her instagram. “It’s a great feeling when you become part of their mood board and creative direction. It instilled that people pay attention to what you say and what you're putting out there”

‘Body positive’ has become a hot buzz term that’s thought to empower humans in general. We see it in ad campaigns, presented in a way to love the skin you’re in, and other marketing-heavy slogans.

While the concept of body positivity comes from a good place, once you disrobe the term and dissect it for what it’s worth, the actual term undermines the idea behind it. "I don't consider myself a body positive activist, my main goal is self-love awareness and being able to live in your space. We need to allow people to just be in their bodies. That being said, I would like to see more non-able bodied people included in cannabis”

Her key takeaway for marketers: If a company is going to run a ‘body positive’ campaign, please refrain from using a token curvy person as a means to champion your message. “That will turn around real quick. Rather, consider gathering a diverse group of people with different backgrounds and life situations to show the true diversity of who is being represented.”

The ‘Gram

Instagram, a platform that you either love or hate. Loving it means that you’ve figured out a way to make it work for you. Brands of all sizes rely on it to spread a message, while those who advertise rely on it as part (or all) of their livelihood.

But sometimes that backfires because the internet is riddled with trolls - and I’m not talking those strange plastic dolls with neon hair that dominated toy stores in the 90’s (although no one can prove otherwise since many of them remain faceless).

In order to mitigate the chances of this happening, Kerestin uses technology to her advantage by filtering out keywords and phrases associated with negativity. This has allowed her to curate a positive space for her to share and engage with her audience. “We need to continue to support and maintain that growth of true bodies that we are seeing on Instagram. When I do post a photo, it feels good for me and I'm able to express my sexuality”

Damn right, and nobody should be taking that away from you.

Establishing the Balance and Creating Space in Cannabis for PoC

Then there’s the hot topic that is on everyone’s minds - the elephant in the boardroom that few C-suite execs will acknowledge, but rather grassroot collectives and entrepreneurs are prioritizing.

The ‘elephant’ is a reminder of why those privileged enough to work in the industry need to maintain a certain level of mindfulness while enjoying the fruits of their labor, because those who laid the groundwork (majority being people of colour) cannot because they are incarcerated. What a trip, huh?

Many will claim that we need more feminism to combat the social inequalities faced under these circumstances, but that all depends on how you view feminism. “I definitely consider myself a feminist, but I also try to maintain awareness of what it stands for and how it is portrayed.”

The reality is that we are living in a time where it often feels like humanity is in a regressive state. Human rights still account for something, just not enough. We have seen how taking social justice into our own hands can allow us to make democracy work in our favour, but it’s dependent on awareness, community support and inclusivity,

So how can white women be more supportive in the industry? “I think that there are still conversations that need to be had in order to help support women of colour in business in general, and I think that a lot of it has to do with awareness of white supremacy and it’s values and the way we conduct business. If you’re white and you’re in the business, you have women of colour not just working for you but working with you. Give them the opportunity to take the steps that they need to in order to become successful.”

Being a supportive, strong ally means checking your privilege and exercising awareness that not all opportunities are created equal. So how can white women be better allies? “There’s something to be said about just being aware of the space when you go into it. Working with people of colour means paying attention to how they are being treated in the business. PoC have not benefited from this industry at all and will continue to not benefit from it because they were incarcerated, have fines and can’t work in the legal industry. Ask yourself if you are still being mindful of what this industry was in the past and how to support people who haven’t been able to benefit from it”.

Be sure to follow Kerestin’s @bigbodymami account and Ladies of Paradise on Instagram.

Pick up a copy of The Her(B) Life Vol 02 here

#keresten walker #ladies of paradise #jess nudo #vol 02 #instagram

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gossipnetwork-blog · 6 years

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Elon Musk, SpaceX: His Ambition Is Climate Change Antidote

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/elon-musk-spacex-his-ambition-is-climate-change-antidote/

Elon Musk, SpaceX: His Ambition Is Climate Change Antidote

This story was originally published by Grist and appears here as part of an ongoing collaboration.

Millions of geeks watched with unbridled glee this week as Elon Musk’s private rocket company, SpaceX, launched a red Tesla Roadster into space.

Elon Musk: The Architect of Tomorrow

Inside the inventor’s world-changing plans to inhabit outer space, revolutionize high-speed transportation, reinvent cars – and hopefully find love along the way

Within minutes, there were live views of our beautiful planet from a camera mounted behind a creepy-looking mannequin in a space suit sitting at the steering wheel. On the car’s center console were the words: “DON’T PANIC!”

The whole thing was a grand spectacle worthy of P.T. Barnum as well as a lofty achievement in its own right. It was the brainchild of a remarkable person whose life goals include solving climate change and ensuring the long-term survival of humanity. Nothing modest about that.

For those of us who share Musk’s resolve to tackle climate change, it felt like the perfect moment to celebrate not only the vision of a triumphant future, but of progress toward that future. Because, holy wow, flying cars and simultaneous rocket landings are now a thing. If all that’s possible, it’s easy to dream about what’s next. It may even bring … hope.

Yet my Twitter feed was split almost evenly. Lots of people have serious problems with the symbolism of a billionaire strapping a $100,000 sports car to the most powerful rocket in the world at a time when so many are suffering from inequality and poverty. If testing the rocket required some kind of payload, aren’t there better things he could have launched into space on a billion-year orbit around the sun? Like Harvey Weinstein, for instance.

What’s more, Musk’s businesses have long been criticized for their labor practices. Should we really be so excited about what is essentially a glorified advertisement for the commercial exploitation of space – the ultimate commons?

Let’s agree on this much: Musk’s achievements shouldn’t generate uncritical hero-worship and his unhealthy work-life imbalance shouldn’t be seen as aspirational. But there’s no way to deny that what his team has done is significant.

Traditional “progress” on climate change is moving much too slowly. Global greenhouse gas emissions are still rising, the development of renewable energy is far too slow, and the U.S. Congress isn’t even seriously talking about this at all. Look at California, where there’s widespread public support for addressing our problems now. The state’s high-speed rail line was approved by voters in 2008, but it’s not expected to be up and running until 2029. By then, Musk may have already leapfrogged rail travel altogether. Humanity doesn’t need a techno-savior, but it sure helps to have one.

It’s difficult to imagine a world that succeeds in tackling climate change and harder still to imagine what it means to start building that world right now. Climate change demands that radical transformation quickly become the norm — just like what Musk is doing. If seeing that happen before our eyes is uncomfortable, then we should feel uncomfortable.

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Musk expanded on why he does what he does the way he does it:

“Climate change is the biggest threat that humanity faces this century, except for AI,” he continues. “I keep telling people this. I hate to be Cassandra here, but it’s all fun and games until somebody loses a fucking eye. This view [of climate change] is shared by almost everyone who’s not crazy in the scientific community.

“The fundamental intention of Tesla, at least my motivation,” Musk explains in his halting, stuttering voice, “was to accelerate the advent of sustainable energy. That’s why I open-sourced the patents. It’s the only way to transition to sustainable energy better.”

Starting a rocket company like SpaceX is much more than just a very expensive ego-trip for Musk. In the same interview, Musk said that his vision of humanity as a species able to move from planet to planet “makes the future far more inspiring if we are out there among the stars and you could move to another planet if you wanted to.”

That’s exactly the seductive, aspirational vision of the future we need.

So, while you might have mixed feelings when cheering this accomplishment, I think it’s worth cheering for this accomplishment anyway. Sure, challenge Musk and his companies to do better but also celebrate the successes. Ambitious, even eccentric efforts like Musk’s remind us that we’re capable of amazing things. They’re an antidote to climate-pessimism.

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tendance-news · 6 years

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This morning, on the radio, I heard the very same song I heard while writing the article that moved you all so deeply about “sometimes goodbye is the only way”. This magnificent song, sung by the very charming Cher was popular in the late 90’s, but till date when I hear it, I feel as happy as I would have, had I landed on the moon.

The aforementioned song being “Do you believe in life after love?”

The title of the song reminded me of a very special period of my life as a result of which I wrote this article for you.

To adapt the title of the song to be in sync with the thoughts I had, I changed the word “life” to “love” which gives us “ Do you believe in love after love ? ”

So, do you believe in love after love ?

Do I believe in love AFTER love ?

This is the very same question that I tried to respond to by means of this article which, I believe will take you through my most intimate thoughts.

” Before ” Love

I don’t know the exact story behind you travelling through the galaxy of Seduction, and finally landing on Seduction by Kamal today, but allow me to share with you a little confession…

A few years before landing in the world of Seduction, I met a girl who nearly messed up my life.

She was the kind of girl I dreamed about since my childhood….The kind of girl that leaves you marvelled by her divine beauty and unique personality.

She was not too tall, nor too short, she did not have a face of perfect symmetry yet she was so beautiful. Her skin was rather tanned, her beautiful small nose, her delicious lips and ears covered by her brown hair, to top it all, her principal charm being her big brown eyes with elegantly curved lashes.

I was in love.

Love

I did everything I could to go out with her, despite my poor knowledge of seduction at the time….and guess what? I succeeded!

Yes, I did indeed succeed!

I fulfilled a dream so close to my heart.

I was going out with THE girl I loved….THE girl that touched my heart.

Life was beautiful…

It was the very first time I was in love and it was one of the best periods of my life.

We spent a year loving each other like crazy, like little lovebirds….everyone said we made the greatest high school couple, everyone spoke of us….We were the star couple!

I was a happy man beaming with joy.

Till the day she left me….

‘After’ Love

I will spare you the details of our break up to avoid straying from our principal subject of “do you believe in love after love?”

Like I mentioned above, it was the first time I fell in love with a girl, hence I would say, I lived in another world….a world where everything was beautiful, everything was perfect.

I never wanted to leave this bubble, but I was obliged to….and what is worse, I left after succumbing damages and pain to my heart.

It took me forever to recover, and above all regain my wits. I was completely disoriented that I could have ‘destroyed’ my career (transition to college) with the snap of a finger.

It was time to react.

I met a man who presented me to the famous community of seduction.

(I will reserve the details of my journey in the “biography” section of my next eBook that will be released soon)

The renaissance

When I discovered the world of seduction for the first time, I had the luck to be mentored by one of the biggest PUA (Pick up Artist) that I have ever met.

His principle was simple: read little, practise more

It is exactly what I did.

I would go out almost every day to meet and seduce women. I would speak to everyone from the beautiful to the ugly, from the fat to the thin, from the divorced to the widowed; from the Asians to the Africans….I spoke to everyone of every colour, shape and size.

I went out with those that interested me, and rejected those that didn’t. I was almost like “the typical asshole”

You know what…I regret this period.

After pondering over this, I discovered that everything I did was to satisfy my ego… my ego that was hurt.

Effectively, even if half of those reading this article would like to gain access to my success of sleeping with beautiful girls continuously let me tell you that deep inside me, I was never happy…

By happy, I mean the sentiment I felt while I was with that girl. The sentiment that made me feel full of life and energy. The sentiment that made me feel like a real man.

…and not a fucking serial flirt.

After, “after” love

Through these years, I have become a man who rarely opens his heart to a woman. I have become a man, who admittedly, does not trust women any longer. I am someone who has a ‘mask’ on.

Do I believe in love after love?

No, I don’t think so

But….. must I believe?

Must YOU believe in love after love?

Must WE believe in love after love?

The response should be: YES

This is to men that have suffered because of women, that have been hurt by a woman and that are in the process of learning the art of seduction

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN LOVE AFTER LOVE

You must not follow the same path I took years ago. I only “reconstructed” superficial parts of my personality, and I was almost going to pay hard for my stupidity…

I had the luck to have taken stock and question myself in the middle of the road. I was almost NEVER going to do it, as a result of which, I would have ruined everything and everything would have gone up in smoke. I would have questioned everything I learned, and destroyed all the personal development I started.

I was young and inexperienced. If I had to put a finger on the reason I was motivated to sleep with women, left, right and centre, the reason would be as follows:

TO TAKE REVENGE AGAINST WOMEN

Without a doubt, the stupidest thing I have ever done in life.

But, a little voice always made me think of this so called motivation, at the time satanic and Machiavellian

Yes, I got what I want, but am I really happy?

Stringing together conquests, is it really of me the seducer I always dreamed of being?

Does my life have to revolve around women?

3 big questions pushed me to open my eyes and introspect.

It was great willingness, coupled with steely determination that allowed me to eliminate with surgical precision ANYTHING that ruined my life. I redefined my objectives, I established a seductive action plan and I started working on my personal development. I put in place a new strategy which allowed me to draw the path that would guarantee me success, not only with women, but in all areas of my life, especially in my professional aspirations.

In fact, I developed a very simple synthesis that I will share with you.

I discovered that when I am happy with ONE woman that I love passionately, attaining my objectives becomes child’s play and more so, a question of time. I am so full of positive energy and vibes that I excel in almost all domains.

The fact of being loved, supported, glorified and idolised by your partner gives you motivation and abundant energy EVERY morning. As a result, it allows you to achieve goals you see to be the most important.

But, to arrive at this point, you have to seduce your sweetheart, and above all, BELIEVE IN LOVE AFTER LOVE.

Your friend (Romeo and Juliet style),

#IFTTT #Blogger

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yes-supriya21-blog · 7 years

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Pregnancy Beauty Tips

Pregnancy Insecurities

People regularly speak about “pregnancy glow” and tabloids always show pregnant celebrities looking stunning, regardless of how far along they are. With these pregnancy stereotypes, you may expect to feel beautiful, but end up feeling worse and wonder why you can’t live up to the image of a gorgeous, glowing pregnant woman.

However, this stereotype is just that: A stereotype. Magazines glorify pregnancy, and they don’t always show the more realistic aspects of carrying a baby. During pregnancy, every woman feels insecure at one point or another. It’s unrealistic to think that you’ll feel amazing throughout your entire journey. No one expects you to look perfect during pregnancy. The people close to you will understand that you’ve taken on the biggest job of your life: Becoming a mother. And with that, they will expect to see changes month by month.

You’re not alone in your insecurities. Many expecting mothers are insecure about their:

Weight

Swollen body g pregnancy is becparts

Spontaneous morning sickness

Increased hair growth

General feeling of being less pretty

Lower sex drive

Increased jealousy in their relationship

Pregnancy Confidence: Mindset Shift

The first step to pregnancy confidence happens inside, not outside. Recognize that every woman, pregnant or not, has insecurities. Instead of wishing that you looked different during pregnancy, start to view it in a new light. Your body is doing everything it needs to hold your baby and keep him or her healthy; that’s pretty amazing. Rather than being harsh on your body, be grateful. Everything you feel insecure about — from your baby belly to your swollen ankles — is simply a symptom of your baby being developed and getting prepared to enter the world.

Stop worrying about the way your body looks while pregnant and start living in the moment. Unless you plan on having more children, this is the only time in your life that you will be pregnant and get to experience the magic of it. Take interest and curiosity in how your body develops during your journey. Notice how your hormones affect your swollen ankles or hair growth. Start to view these nuisances as your body working its magic. You’ll start to realize how intelligent your body actually is.

Remind yourself over and over to be gentle with yourself during this time. Not only is your body changing, but your hormones are also affecting your emotions and insecurities. On public transit, riders give up their seats for pregnant women, and that’s because they realize and respect what they’re going through. Give yourself that same kind of appreciation and respect. You’re already doing an amazing job.

We realize having confidence during pregnancy may be easier said than done, but if you keep reminding yourself of your new perspective, your mindset should slowly begin to shift.

To help re-build your confidence while pregnant, it may be useful to enlist the help of others. Communicate to your partner that you feel less pretty and that you feel down about your looks now that you’re pregnant. Just speak your insecurities. That may sound something like this: “Nothing fits me anymore and I don’t even look the same. I definitely don’t feel as pretty as I used to.” When you express this to him, he is likely to start complimenting you more and go out of his way to help you feel more like yourself. Once you see that your partner loves you and still finds you gorgeous, your insecurities should fade more. If you have a friend or family member that gives amazing pep talks, consider bringing this issue to them for some loving support.

Many women also talk about their insecurities on pregnancy forums. When other women reply, you will see that you’re not alone in your insecurities and users may even offer specific advice or encouragement.

Pregnancy Beauty Tips

Once you’ve started to view pregnancy beauty in a different light, pampering and treating yourself can also make you feel special. Here are some pregnancy beauty tips:

1. Drink lots of water:

You must have heard your doctor asking you to drink lots of water. It helps to flush out toxins from the body as well as maintain the sufficient amniotic fluid in the sac for the baby to be comfortable.

2. Eat the right foods:

From personal experience, it is extremely important to eat right and healthy. The growing fetus needs the necessary nutrients for its overall development and so do you. Beauty is not only about the exteriors, the internal organs should be functioning well too to make your skin glow.

3. Maintain a good skin regime:

It is totally understandable that pregnancy might make you lethargic and you might want somebody else to do a lot of things for you. Having said that, those nine months are really meant for you to get pampered and spend some time by yourself because once the baby’s out, you wouldn’t even know how time flew and you are suddenly 60.

4. Opt for a healthy lifestyle:

There are many pregnancy classes conducted by hospitals and private institutions where they teach many pregnancy related exercises and yoga that helps to keep your nerves as well as prepare you for labour. It is a wonderful experience to meet other expecting mothers and share your insights. Make sure you get enough rest and sleep to overcome the stress of increasing weight and hormonal changes.

5. Dress to enhance your curves:

Pregnant women, very often shall look disoriented and clumsy. Well, they do have an easy excuse of being pregnant and people totally understand that. But times are changing and following your favourite pregnant celebrities, you can easily lean that it does not take much effort to look simple yet beautiful. Wear clothes that are comfortable and that accentuate your curves. Take cue from many pictures flooded with pregnant celebrities.

6. Maintain the right weight:

Some of us might just take due advantage of binging on anything because we’re pregnant. But that does not mean you accumulate pounds of fat. This pregnancy fat is anyway not helping your baby grow. So, it is best you avoid too much junk food and stress on nutritious diet.

7. Use the right makeup tricks:

Makeup can conceal any blot on your face, also the dark circles and pale looking skin which some of us develop during pregnancy. Use the right makeup products for your skin and look fresh even when you feel down and out. Indeed beauty for pregnant women is also essential!

8.Preventing Stretch Marks

If you’re insecure about the stretch marks you may develop, there are a few things you can do to minimize the chances:

Massage belly. Massage your belly every day with a stretch mark cream, vitamin E oil, coconut oil or cocoa butter.

Take zinc. Since zinc is used in the production of collagen, a lack of it could lead to stretch

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josephkwak · 7 years

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Dear Future Self and Wife..

June 6, 2017 || January 29, 2019 (Updated filings italicized)

12:23 AM 새벽

Tuesday. Post-breakup depression, despair, prayer, suicidal thoughts, and reflection.

As I read my posts that I wrote in the past few years, I am reminded of a few things.

1. My struggles and sin are constantly the same

2. God is so faithful that when I look back, it was, is, and will continually be His Grace leading me.

3. I’ve experienced a lot of growth in the midst of my pain. It was through those pains where I was able to grow.

Two years ago, right after I graduated Wheaton, I wrote a prayer to God. Looking back on it today, God literally answered all of them... I instantly cried as I realized this and was in awe...

Right now, my hurt is aching. I don’t feel the same kind of utter despair and hopelessness that I felt when I broke up with Juyun, but I still feel really sad. I saw her today and it was super, super awkward.

Looking back, this is so pathetic. Yes, at the time I felt really sad, but she really was not the right person for me.

Let me elaborate. On one hand, I know why we had to break up. I wasn’t ready spiritually, and with me going back to America and making stupid decisions, she couldn’t trust me. She gave me several chances, but I failed to meet her expectations. It still blindsided me. But, at the end of the day, I realize that sin has definitive consequences.

Sin definitely does have consequences. They really spread out like a virus and if you don’t get rid of it, it latches on to so many different parts of your life. That being said, she was someone who victimized herself, was passive aggressive, and I always had to please her. It felt like I was trying to be someone who I wasn’t, and it was so hard. It was forced. Not only did I fail to meet her expectations, but she failed to meet mine. It wasn’t so much that I failed to meet her expectations. As the relationship continued, I just didn’t try as hard as my heart for her was not based on any sort of serious commitment but shallow emotion. Now that I think about it, I didn’t meet her expectations because it forced me to be someone that I wasn’t.

On the other hand, I have rage inside of me towards her. I poured out so much to her, was by her side when she needed me, and when I needed her the most, and reached out to her to pray for me because of my struggles, she responded so coldly and, honestly, I don’t think I can get over that. That really hurts, super deep.

Even looking at this, it rings so much truth. 100%. I should have been done with her here and then because of two things 1) This clearly showed that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and 2) Her response showed her heart for me.

For me, love is about covering each other’s faults and constantly helping each other no matter how deep of a crack that person has fallen into. You are there for that person no matter what. And if that person needs you, you are the first one there even before they ask you to be there. You don’t judge them, you just comfort them and shower them with love before you rebuke them and stuff. I know that I am capable of providing that, but my past two relationships have shown me that that may not be the case for other people. This time, I just felt betrayed.. I felt so sad. I realized that in my own struggle and sin, I did some things that were really stupid, but having my girlfriend not be by my side and just basically not talk to me and avoid me was really difficult.

HOLY..... BRAIRIE IS THE ONE!!!

I really really pray that my wife may have a heart bigger than mine. 풍선한 마음.

To my future Joseph.

May you never ever forget one of the 13 most important words in your life.

“All I want / All I need / Is more of you / Less of me.”

May you overcome your struggles for good, and be a warrior for God who is steadfast. Don’t go out of control. My Jo. You will continue to face tremendous difficulties and hardships in the future. Never lose sight and focus of God, no matter how hopeless the situation may feel. Please Jo. God is ALWAYS with you. Right now, as you are writing this in your despair. In the future, when you read it, and forever more.

Love your immediate family. Like John Piper said, we may live for one more hour, or for decades. As you go back, please love them and do NOT be selfish. Love your mom, dad, and Josh. And take care of them.

Lord, please provide as I transition back to Los Angeles this upcoming year. Please let me love my kids while I am here and maximize my time while I am in Korea, but as I am here, please give me YOUR vision and YOUR will for what you want me to pursue when I go back home.

Joseph Kwak. Leave an amazing legacy at Soojung. Be kind to everyone - everyone. Don’t seek for the perfect one. Be the perfect one.

Be a blessing to others, and never settle.

Lord, my love for you is so lacking. Lord, help me realize that You are ALWAYS with me. Lord, please heal my mother, for she is sick. Let her find a cure so that she will be healed completely. Lord, please provide for her, and be with her. Be also with my dad. Let him come to faith in You. Let him worship you like King David did. Touch his heart, and protect him physically, spiritually, and mentally. Help his business thrive, and keep him and his workers safe. Be the pillar of our household. Guide us in your faith. Be with Josh and his direction in life. Let him never lose sight of You, and be glorified in his weakness. Use his weakness in an amazing way Lord, and surround him with people who will bless him. Continue to teach him Your ways, and Your love. Be with him especially as he goes to Hawaii for missions this summer. Guide his team, and let them be a profound impact on the students there, and let them be mad blessed in return.

To my future wife:

Hello there, beautiful. I don’t know your name, but this is my tumblr. It’s very personal and I don’t think anyone knows about it except for my art 101 prof. in Wheaton my freshman year (Dr. Milliner!) Haha :D

HER NAME IS 이브엘!! VIEL LEE. BRAIRIE. BABY. BABE. LOVE. And my all time favorite, Beersheba.

As you read it by yourself, or as we read it together, I hope that it provides a window into my life and helps you understand more about me and my life during my early to mid twenties. It is in no way a comprehensive look, but snippets of it. They are deep, raw, and uncensored memories of joy, pain, guilt, and whatever else I wrote.

Future wife. I wonder if there were times when you thought about your future husband, and wonder if we were thinking about each other at the same exact time. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Like a romance movie or star-crossed lovers? Haha well its 12:52 AM right now June 6th, 2017 so maybe there is a chance you wrote down this as well in your diary (fingers crossed!).

Anyways, I just want to start off by telling you that I don’t deserve you. I am broken beyond repair. I am hard to deal with, stubborn, messy, unorganized, and so many other things. I lack in a lot of areas, and there are some things about me that I am really ashamed about. But luckily, Jesus saved me from death when I was 15. I met the Lord on the early morning of July 5th, 2008, and from then I haven’t looked back. It’s been one heck of a ride, one that was marked by many downfalls and struggles, but God has never let go of me, and that is why I still stand.

Thank you for welcoming me in your life, and for taking on this life-long adventure with this silly monkey. I hope you are ready to share our lives together into one, and love each other as Christ has shown. May He be the pillar of our family, the center of our relationship, and in response, may we really surrender before God and live lives that are holy and fearful of God. May we cover each other when we go through difficulties, and be there for each other when we are struggling. When I am struggling, may you strengthen me, encourage me, pray for me, and lead me back to Christ; when you are struggling, may I protect you, guide you, serve you, carry your burden, pray for you, and lead you back to Christ.

May our love for Jesus surpass our love for each other, and may we live lives marked by servanthood. May we lay down our idols, our goals, our wills, and serve the kingdom of God. For Christ and His Kingdom.

My darling, my sweetheart. There are so many words that I want to share, but I’ll save that for later.

I love you Jesus. I love you future wife. All thanks and glory be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit. <3

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