#specifically about working around both of their inability to communicate

[shirtdraws]

The night you disappeared from the organization, I opened a bottle of Petrus 1889 to celebrate

After uhh nine months (?) I bring more ada!chuuya content, woo!

#i have too many thoughts about this au #specifically about working around both of their inability to communicate #which is why i imagine oda telling dazai to get chuuya out of the mafia (probably phrased as helping chuuya) #and chuuya in return agreeing bc “well at this point id be an accomplace so i probably should” #🤷 #art tag? #bsd #bungou stray dogs #skk #soukoku #chuuya nakahara #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #nakahara chuuya #ada chuuya #ada!chuuya

[clonehub]

Clone language headcanons:

I believe that the clone troopers are a vast, connected, and diverse enough group of people to have developed their own conlang and/or pidgin so that they can communicate clandestinely/privately with one another.

This communication includes subtle and complex body language that non-clones don't notice and don't understand. The clones use both the verbal and body language to pass jokes, commentary, and critiques. The body language is especially crucial because clones are not often given a space for their opinions to be heard. This way, a clone can express their thoughts without having to wait for permission from a higher up (especially a ranked non-clones) to say what they want to say.

One of the most important aspects of the clones language is the pronouns. Clones don't gender their society the way we do. As in, they wouldn't try and split society into groups based on assumed reproductive capability and arbitrary feminine/masculine appearance (like we do IRL)

The clones are a hierarchical society, and their hierarchies are based in rank. When they're not based in rank, it's based on things like merit and experience, but for the time being were just gonna talk about the explicit ranks they have. Because ranking and deference are so important to them, their language reflects that. They have three pronouns, and they are self-referential, meaning that the pronouns of others change based your position relative to them.

Clones above you in rank get one set of pronouns. Clones the same rank as you get another. Clones you outrank get a third. This means that at any given moment, there's a clone for whom all three pronouns are being used to describe them. Take for instance Captain Rex. Cody outranks him, so Cody would call Rex pronoun set C. Captain Keeli and Rex are the same rank, so Keeli would refer to rex with set B (if he was alive RIP 💯🪦🕊️) rex outranks all Shinies and everyone in the 501st, so he'd also be referred to with the final set of pronouns.

I haven't decided yet if the pronouns get conjugated for number yet. I also just realized I'm not sure how a first person plural pronoun would work in a mixed group. Maybe they have a fourth pronoun that ignores rank and is specifically for "us/we" statements.

For verbs and tenses, the clones have only three tenses: simple past, simple present, and simple future. Their unnaturally short lifespans and speedy development get factored into their understanding of time.

The clones have to borrow a lot of words as well from other languages. They have multiple ways to say brother, every term needed for rank and weaponry, probably seven different words for March and a bunch to describe laser fire and specific shades of white. This is because these are the things they saw most in their environment on Kamino and I'm their daily lives. They don't/wouldn't have a word for uncle or aunt, though, because they've never had to refer to someone as such. They might have a word for mother and father.

"brother" Is functionally gender neutral in their language, but when speaking Basic, they'll use "sister" for their clone siblings who are girls/women or otherwise just prefer the term. Clones have a LOT of euphemisms for basically everything around them, but also a lot of teasing or derogatory terms for Shinies. The teasing terms Shinies make up for vets never stick. Of course, as we've already seen in canon, the clones also have a lot of words for helmet.

The clones are HIGHLY secretive about their language. Non-military are the most likely to catch bits and pieces, but military non-clones are actively excluded from access to the language. This includes the Jedi.

As loyal as the clones are to the Republic and the Jedi, they're aware of how tenuous their culture is because of their short lifespans, their restricted lives, and their inability to spread naturally the way other cultures do. So they hold on tight to what they have and resist study. They resist outsiders knowing too much because they value what little privacy they have.

Back to the pronouns for a moment. Theyre 100% accepting of any clones who are trans or nonbinary. That's a personal and sacred as finally choosing a name for oneself. So along the same vein, they respect when someone changes their name.

I think the clones have a Spiritual belief system of sorts, but I haven't really developed it yet. The clones have accents that vary by battalion. There's the strong Kamino accent, and then they pick up the accent of the battalion or company they join. The 501st and Coruscant guard have wildly different accents. Everyone gets teased about how they speak, especially when a battalions been separated from the rest of clone society for a time. The language changes constantly, too.

#ch posts #captain rex #fives #star wars #the clone wars #all the bros #commander cody #clonelang #meta #tcw #clone trooper #clones #swtcw #copy n pasted from twitter

[m1zumono]

dean winchester and autism because this man is autistic and i will not accept otherwise:

his reaction to sam giving him the giant slinky at the end of 7x14 'plucky pennywhistle's magical menagerie'

actually physically stimming when he enters the bunker with sam in 15x14 'last holiday' and sees the christmas decorations

the boxing episode, 11x15 'beyond the mat', where dean spends the entire episode fanboying and (for lack of a better word) plays in the boxing ring

wearing the same thing (flannel, jeans, in earlier seasons the leather jacket) almost all of the time while not in disguise to work cases

eating the same thing (cheeseburger with extra onions or pie) at almost everywhere they go, as often as he can (about dean winchester and food, i could talk about that for hours he has so many issues with it and it's all john winchester's fault)

his ability to recite movies line for line, and his tendency to communicate almost entirely through references and movie quotes, and expecting people to understand what he means

about references, he makes jokes and references when it's not appropriate, he doesn't understand that something isn't appropriate in a situation where it isn't specifically pointed out to him, and he generally has a pretty messed up sense of empathy and inability to 'read the room'

‘you’re always calling me a geek, but you know every word to every led zeppelin song, backwards and forwards. you can discuss in detail every major rock drummer between ’67 and ’84… and you watch ‘jeopardy!’ every night.’ - directly quoted from sam winchester in 14x20 'moriah'

in 13x06 'tombstone' when they go into the motel and dean talks about the cowboys, identifying all of them and going into quite a bit of detail about a few of them, even though nobody asked him about it and he is absolutely infodumping. 'he really likes cowboys.' 'yes. yes, he does.'

his knowledge of cars, particularly baby, and how he takes her for a ride when he's sad because of the comfort she provides him. also about baby and comfort, the way he offers to let people drive baby when he realises that they're sad, thinking it'll make them feel better as she makes him happy and he doesn't understand how else to help

in 1x03 'dead in the water' he talks to lucas about how he didn't speak as a kid, he plays with the toy soldiers and it doesn't come across as playing with them to make lucas trust him, it actually comes across as him finding genuine enjoyment in it

in 1x15 'the benders' when he's talking to the kid who mentions godzilla, dean brightens immediately and goes off topic talking about his favourite godzilla film, and has to be reminded that he's working a case by sam

the entirety of 14x04 'mint condition', how dean gets to express his interests and be himself and how a lot of people have mentioned that he seems to be genuinely himself in that episode instead of the act he puts on

larping with charlie, no explanation needed

he shuts down when things go badly, often blasting music and ignoring everything and everyone around him

he always picks scissors when playing rock, paper, scissors, and it's actually something that comes up multiple times within the show - in 2x17 'heart', sam says, 'dean, always with the scissors,' and along the same lines, his excitement both times he actually wins the game

in 1x04 'phantom traveller', dean is terrified because of the plane and sam points out that he's humming metallica. he replies that it calms him down, and that just seems very autistic

#spn #supernatural #dean winchester #autism #autistic dean winchester #actually autistic #he's autistic because i'm autistic and i relate to everything here way too much for him to not be #i actually don't care if half of these things aren't specific to autism #i relate to them and i'm autistic and i think those two things are linked so they are now #heavy emphasis on the routines with the clothes and food #also heavy HEAVY emphasis on the few times we get to see him be a nerd #mostly the scene where sam calls him out on it because this man is a nerd and i just want that to be known #to be fair the entirety of tfw 2.0 is autistic #sam dean jack and cas #the four flavours of autism #and about castiel and autism because i'm not making a separate post just for this #i always see it get played off as 'he's an angel he literally isn't human he's not autistic he's just not human' #one misha says you're wrong and that he's autistic #and two none of the angels are like that? like yeah they don't tend to get sarcasm but the level of that is almost exclusive to castiel and #he's weird even by angel standards #the gay angel is autistic #they're also all trans but that's a different conversation #this is way too many tags i'm clicking post goodbye #meta

[charmwasjess]

ill gladly help you procrastinate u know that

23 & 17 👀

Boli, you are simply magnificent. I've spent upwards of thirty minutes not working while I was writing this up. 17. there should be more of this type of fic/art This isn't a problem so much as a good sign of the thriving fandom economy where people are writing big, rich, interesting stories - AUs, fix-it, time travels, what ifs - and I read those fics avidly. But I've been really craving the old "slice of life" one shot recently. Let me hang out with your dudes (gn) just doing their thing for a couple thousand words. Small moments, ordinary daily things. I love it. Same for art. Little domestic snapshots just get me. This is also a chance to say something I like about your writing specifically, Boli, because you incorporate a lot of this kind of scene into Mud fic while balancing the bigger plot elements. Thinking of that great bar scene. <3 23. ship I've come around to Syku is probably the big obvious one here since I spent so long (decade) waffling on writing Dooku in any kind of romantic thing. Then, reason slipped from my nerveless fingers and shattered. I dissolved About Them. But you poor people watched that happen to me in real time so I won't go on and on about it. No description can match the experience of watching me daily embarrass myself on here over them.

You know what one I weirdly have come to love? Obimaul. At first I was like "oh sw fandom, you'll ship anything lolol" and then I watched the Maul Clone Wars episodes and I was like... okay... okay... yeah, so, I get you want to specifically murder him and everything, but the way you're keening "Kenobi" right now...

It's kind of really fucking sad? Like Maul is this person who had been literally broken in half, and that's before you get to the metaphorical damage of being essentially enslaved by Sidious his whole life. I mean Maul's origin story makes Dooku's kid trauma look like a trip to Disney World. This person who fundamentally does not know about love, having been fed a diet of pain and hate all his life, getting into the murderous jealous one-sided sexual obsession with Obi-Wan, which is part inability to distinguish hate from lust, and part a pure desire to be Obi-Wan because he's representative of everything that was taken from Maul. He embodies every chance Maul never got. The (loving) Master. The community of people like him. The family. It's so dark and doomed and fucked up, but also so sad.

But I realize I'm not here to talk about shipping normal things, since my problematic main ship somehow manages to be both a Fridging and a Kill Your Gays trope...

#thank you thank you Boli this was so fun!!!!! #still playing if anyone else wants to keep me from my dayjob #kind of went off about Maul there for a while sorry about that #obimaul

[odinsblog]

Something I need to get off my chest, for old followers and new:

I do not give a single solitary fuck about communism

If communism blew up and died tomorrow, I would not give one shit about it 🥱

If “communism” is your end all be all about what’s right and what’s wrong in the world, then do us both a favor and block me right now. No hard feelings, okay?

And for anyone wondering: no, I don’t give a shit about capitalism, and definitely not neoliberalism either

Look, sooner or later you have GOT to understand something: some people (neoliberals) get all bent out shape if you aren’t constantly falling over yourself to kiss the ass of whoever the current Democratic president is. That ain’t me. When Biden or Clinton or whoever is wrong, I will hold their feet to the fire and at least try to them accountable (see: Biden Title 42)

And when capitalism fucks up (lol, that’s any day of the week that ends in the letter Y), then I will call that shit out too

Sooner or later, ALL of that shit fucks up. All of it. All of it

None of it is beyond critique

If you think your special little rhubarb (communism, capitalism, religion, libertarianism, etc etc etc) is magically the only one that is perfect and good and right all the time, then you’re just like a little baby who still believes that Santa lives on the North Pole. Please grow tf up

But I am very specifically calling out communism today because several long time mutuals lose their shit whenever I don’t kiss Putin’s ass, or when I don’t blame NATO for Putin invading a sovereign nation that wasn’t attacking Russia, wasn’t in NATO, and wasn’t even applying for membership into NATO when Putin decided to attack them

Is America wrong for all the dirt its done all around the planet? Fuck. yes. Does America bad = Russia good? FUCK NO

Look, everyone has their own personal coda; their guiding principles; their “religion,” their rhubarb. For some, it’s a blind, sycophantic inability to understand or acknowledge that simply being marginally better than Trump doesn’t automatically make centrist Democrats above being held accountable (it’s our job as citizens to always demand better from whoever our elected representatives are—they work for us goddammit)

For other sycophants, it’s a rabid inability to call out capitalism and/or Christianity

And for others still, it’s communism

I guess my problem is, EYE don’t measure how “good” something is by how “communist” it is—I measure it by how much good it does without burying poor people, without harming Black & Brown people, without hurting women (trans or otherwise), without vilifying foreigners, and without burning LGBTQ people (the way Russia and America do)

If you can’t understand that, then your particular brand of blind fanaticism (your rhubarb) is communism, and you are no different from the VBNMW, Blue MAGA sycophants who go completely ape shit whenever you say something even slightly unflattering about politicians who happen to wear the letter “D” behind their name—see where that got us??

You’re no different. You just have a slightly different rhubarb

Communism is NOT my fucking measuring stick. I don’t have communism on the brain, and I sure as fuck don’t have capitalism on the brain either

I love Black people, Brown people , poor people, immigrants, asylum seekers, women, the LGBTQ community, democracy, equality, justice and freedom

And dassit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m on the side of the little guy and the underdog

So anyway, fuck communism, fuck capitalism, fuck “Christianity” and fuck all the other little bullshit unimportant distinctions you far too rigidly use to decide if someone is “good” instead of just looking to see if they’re actually doing good or not

Some of you good little “communists” couldn’t even be bothered to speak up about Brittney Griner because you didn’t want to look bad or say anything bad about Vladimir Putin’s raggedy ass. Lol. You guys suck!

And no, this isn’t me taking a right wing turn like Cenk and TYT (or like Jimmy Dore, or Glenn Greenwald, or any number of the other “previously” progressive media types who are re-aligning themselves with conservatives)

In 2016 I had to break ties with people and bloggers who turned out to be dogged Blue MAGA sycophants, and today I’m fed up with people who can’t go more than two minutes without signaling how “communist” they are 🙄

Sorry, but that shit don’t get my dick hard

(And for added clarity: Republicans and Libertarians, go fuck yourselves with a rusty chainsaw)

If this post makes you mad, then here ya go

</end rant>

#politics #a post about me #odin rants #communism #russia #capitalism #ukraine #sychopants

[granulesofsand]

Selves and Self-States

Please, have a rambling explanation of how we view and define dissociation within plurality, multiplicity, and CDDs. We’d love to hear from you, and we have links to free sources for any who ask (as we don’t want them taken down).

Structural Dissociation

Under the theory of structural dissociation (TOSD), the emotional parts (EPs) are initially unintegrated due to overwhelm, but remain separate as a result of the phobia of the apparently normal parts (ANPs) who live daily life. This phobia can manifest as denial of the EPs’ existence, refusal to communicate with EPs, and inability to accept the EPs’ experience as belonging to the ANP (the condition to integration).

Both in complex dissociative disorders (CDDs) and other traumagenic structural dissociation (SD), the publication of the TOSD (the Haunted Self) defines some EPs as elaborated; the EPs are the traumatized selves. I have trouble with this because of the required multiple ANPs to qualify tertiary SD.

If a self (as opposed to a self-state) can be an EP, some systems would qualify as having only one ANP, or possibly none at all. However, if a self is an ANP, each could have any number of associated EPs, or self-states.

Self-States

I like self-states because everybody has them, and it fills in some of the gaps left by the TOSD. Self-states aren’t inherently stuck in trauma, but a trauma-holding self-state would fit the phobia associated with traumagenic unintegration. It also leaves room for those who share self-states between selves, and for those whose selves contain multiple self-states without barriers between their states.

Elaboration occurs as self-states are collected within the boundaries of a self. Self-states are built out of experience, from tiny fragments of sensation or emotion to a developed set of reactions and behaviors to stimuli. It is one self-state when experiences are accepted in, like a mosaic. Some self-states have self-states, contained like marbles in a bowl. Some self-states are small, but uncontained, marbles rolling about all on their own.

Selves

Selves are differentiated from self-states by their sense of ‘me’ as opposed to the ‘not-me’ of the other selves. Some self-states develop a sense of ‘me’ with ease, and this is especially true in those whose boundaries were laid before the self-states of the body obtained a singular, collective sense of ‘me’ (which occurs around the time a body reaches double digits of age).

The Haunted Self notes traumagenic SD occurs more easily in children, but does not give the age of every patient used as an example. Several of the EP self-states are elaborated, and some have their own selves. The ambiguity is in how old the bodies were when these selves formed, and an EP with a self formed after 12 would be synonymous to a CDD formed after the cut-off age.

This is part of why we believe non-traumagenic plurality is possible, but there is another; if a self-state is unintegrated (and non-traumagenic dissociation is scientifically recognized), elaboration can be achieved by adding experiences. Having a self to stick to encourages elaboration, and self-states can get that by introspecting.

New Selves

Self-states that coalesce (or otherwise don’t integrate into other selves) before forming a sense of ‘me’ might explain how some selves are elaborated as soon as they appear. Self-states that never form a self might remain as marbles rolling around free, for any self to bring into its boundaries while out in the body or to front alone for specific scenarios.

Selves always have dissociative boundaries; by definition, dissociation is non-association, unintegration (which is how systems who work on lowering barriers can go between having boundaries and not, they’re integrating).

Amnesia

I would say memory barriers between selves who were at front and selves who weren’t differs from amnesia; they didn’t forget, they just weren’t there. The selves that weren’t there might have left because the brain was expecting trauma, or because their front can only hold one self at a time. Keeping these memories separate involves keeping them within the boundaries of a self, and those memories are smaller self-states like the marbles in the bowl. Amnesia as a self losing memories they once had is more like removing those self-states from the boundaries of that self.

Not all selves have memory barriers between them, or amnesia for memories they had. A body can have either function, both, neither, or a mix between different selves.

An Invitation

Our system functions very visibly within these parameters, and we can scale up or down to any feature we have. One day, I’d like to write a more professional introduction of our theory, but for now I’ll settle for introducing the language.

I’d like to know how this does or doesn’t fit you, because the goal is to find words that work for every version of unintegration. If you have something to say, any format (reblogs, comments, direct messages, posts, anything) is appreciated.

#osddid #did osdd #cdd system #adaptive system #traumagenic system #polyfragmented system #pluralgang #plurality #tosd

[whiskeyswifty]

Do you think Taylor’s a better lyricist than Beyoncé?

I don’t think they’re comparable. They write completely different songs that each cater to their strengths.

Taylor is a small scale, diaristic storyteller that predominantly sings about angsty relationship and dating dynamics with a youthful or first blush skew (even as she ages) and within the confines of middle class white girl/woman experiences and pop or singer/songwriter sounds. Her lyrical style is the kind of white American/euro literary prose and poetic style, which has become the pop music style of those same groups, and she writes within that framework and standard and subject matter. Given her Perfectly Fine voice and inability to deliver the triple threat choreographed show as other pop stars, this is her main appeal, what she focuses on, and what she has honed above all other talents she has.

Beyoncé doesn’t write all of her songs, and is rarely the only songwriter and the songs she writes and chooses cater less to telling a story at all and more to highlighting her incredible voice. She also sings and writes in general about Adult life and adult emotional stakes like marriage and the pleasures of sex and aging and things like that. She also leans towards the hiphop and r&b genre more, with a lyricism that works within the unique style and cadence and frequent subject matter of those genres, specifically singing and writing from the intersectional experiences of being a black woman from the south. Because of that, she’s also able to explore darker and more nuanced themes like misogynior, but also showcase the broader experiences of the black community across gender, sexuality and economic status.

There is crossover of course in the general topic of love and family and general womanhood, but neither of them could do what the other does or tackle the subject matters the other one does with as refined a pen as the other. They have careers build around their own strengths. One may feel like a better songwriter to you because of who’s experiences you understand and relate to more, but also simply what genre of music you like and appreciate more. That’s a biased opinion and it’s fine to have that, if you’re aware of your own bias. But objectively they’re both masters in their given lanes and show that talent in music takes many forms and serves different subjective groups.

#I would love a beyonce country album tho Daddy Lessons fucks #but that would require country music to acknowledge black people can make country music which 🙃 #we got the top country singers in the world saying racial slurs and praising white supremacy so nskdmfnfkg #there’s a reason liking country music is a red flag for racism

[orange-orchard-system]

Disability Pride Month is a complicated time for us, as we have a complicated relationship with the word "disabled". Technically, we could use it to describe ourselves, but between our history with it and the way our conditions affect our life, it's not really something we're comfortable using. Instead, we typically either describe our specific problems (ex. our chronic pain), or use other terms, like "disordered", "with a condition", or even "handicapped". Occasionally, we'll play around with words and describe ourselves as "someone with conditions that can be disabling", but "disabled" as a word is not really one we use for ourselves.

... Which makes it a bit estranging when we enter Disability Pride Month and, oh, look! Lots of people talking about the same struggles we face! Lots of people with our same conditions and problems speaking up about them! Lots of people spreading awareness about how to make things more inclusive and accessable for people like me! Lots of people showing pride for... how they fall under an umbrella term that we don't personally use. Yeah, it gets awkward fast.

But I've come to accept this awkwardness. I don't really mind the widespread use of the word "disabled" – it's fitting, and it works as an umbrella term for a lot of difficulties and/or inabilities people have. Honestly, my main complaint is with those who accuse folks like me (who could describe themselves as disabled but choose not to) as "just having internalized ableism". My fellow on Earth, I promise you, even if that's the case, shoving people into a label before they're ready for it will not help. Maybe go target the causes for this hypothetical internalized ableism before you start demanding people just get over it. (Also, aren't we supposed to show support for both person-first language and identity-first language, depending on a given individual's preference? Some people just prefer the former, especially if some of the disableism they've faced is people refusing to see them as a person; show some compassion, jeez. Someone describing themself as "a person with disabilities" rather than "a disabled person" is not your enemy.)

But anyway. Happy pride month to all those like me, who have complicated relationships with the disabled label and/or community. Having pride during this month can be awkward or difficult at times, but you're not a bad person for opting out of an umbrella term, or not being ready to use it. I hope you're able to find words and community that work best for you!

#disability pride month #firebird.txt #pride

[acemistakes]

Imposter Syndrome

Noun

the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills

┏ ┐

i. Introduction

ii. What is imposter syndrome?

iii. Some tips

iv. Outro

v. Sources

└ ┛

Imposter syndrome is quite honestly one of the worst things for my spiritual practice. There’s always the question of whether or not something was real or if I’m just being biased or imagining it. Is this deity actually reaching out or interested in working with me or am I forcing my beliefs onto them? I always find myself second-guessing moments in my spiritual practice. So if you’re like me and dealing with imposter syndrome, feel free to stick around.

The term “imposter syndrome” was originally introduced in the 1970s by Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance. Early research suggests that it only affected successful women but has since been proven to affect anyone. Imposter syndrome has many forms. The five types would be the perfectionist, the superhero, the expert, the natural genius, and the soloist. These are labels based on how imposter syndrome seems to affect your behavior and actions when responding to a certain type of stress.

Imposter Syndrome itself is essentially a type of self-doubt. “I was just lucky. I’m not *that* good at ___. If I don’t understand something immediately, then I’m just dumb.” These are the types of thoughts you may be experiencing with imposter syndrome. It can be a result of pressure from parents growing up, social anxiety, or personality traits even.

This is really baseline information, feel free to check out the sources listed below. Or perhaps search up imposter syndrome on your own.

Imposter syndrome sucks. It’s limiting especially when it comes to spiritual experiences. So these are some things that may help to keep in mind. Things that I try to remind myself of whenever I find myself struggling with my own form of imposter syndrome. Things I will definitely try and understand myself. This is a learning experience for the both of us.

Refuse to let it hold you back

Now this tip I actually snatched from one of the sources I used and I thought it was a good tip to include. This is actually something I try to remind myself of all the time. Often using the idea of “so what if it’s not completely real? I can still learn a valuable lesson from imagination.” This really goes with the fear of whether or not I’m communicating with an actual deity or whether or not I’m making up the entire interaction.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Find a routine

I would say this is more of a ‘figure out your belief system and stick to it’. If you’re one of those people who say ‘Once is an accident, Twice is a coincidence, and three's a pattern” then stick to that ideology. Limit the amount of doubt that can grow in your mind by sticking to a pattern. Shuffle your cards the same way every time if you need to. But if you need to do things a specific way in order to lessen that imposter syndrome, there’s nothing wrong with that!

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

SPG is good validation

Personally, I wouldn’t say to stick only to SPG when doing things, especially if you do spirit or deity work. UPG is nice, everyone’s practice is their own and everyone’s relationships are different. But if you’re like me and constantly doubting every little thing then try and find things from your experience that count as SPG. BUT don’t limit everything to whether it’s SPG or not. Use it as a building block to gain that confidence.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Stop comparing

Another good tip snatched from an outside source rather than my own thoughts. Although this is also where things get tricky. See in my last tip I say that SPG is good. Reach out to other members about their experiences with a deity but do not completely compare your experiences with theirs. Their relationship with a deity will be completely different from yours, so while you may be able to have some shared experiences with other members, remember that your relationship is your own and everything will not be the same.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Check and Re-check

It’s always a good idea to double-check things. Sources are one thing that should be double-checked. But if you’re unsure on whether or not something is actually a sign or if something is the correct message, there are tools that are there to help. Confirm things with tarot or a pendulum. Ask for a very specific sign to be sent if you need. Even confirm things with other people through readings maybe.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Trust in your intuition

Yes, this is probably the hardest thing to do with imposter syndrome. I am certainly yelled at by my friend to remember this all the time so this is me ‘yelling’ at you all about this. So let me ask…do things feel right? How are you feeling about the experience? Does it feel right? Comfortable, in a sense? Is this the situation actually wrong or is it just your anxiety speaking? If you’ve done things a certain way…then there’s no reason to doubt the results. Trust in yourself.

As mentioned multiple times before, imposter syndrome really does suck. But these are some tips that could be helpful. Of course, you do not have to take any of these to heart or take them very seriously. And if you have any suggestions of your own, please feel free to drop them in the comments!

https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-415646

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome#overcoming-it

#witchcraft #imposter syndrome #witch #witchblr

[musecraft]

some a lot of thoughts re: stede in s2 & the most recent episode pair in particular : — expect spoilers if you keep reading ! —

stede as a character has been both very interesting & a bit infuriating to me this season, & i will likely extrapolate most of these points into a more organized meta at some point, but i just really wanted to talk about some parts of his arc that i am finding particularly compelling at the moment, with a strong focus on the most recent two episodes. so without further ado, let's dive into my thoughts :

stede has always been absolutely desperate to be a "proper" respected pirate — that has been his primary self-fulfillment desire since before he met ed. & that is how their dynamic begins in s1 — with ed teaching him how to be more fearsome & earn both fear & respect.

the goal of being a "proper" pirate is heavily tied up with what i think is one of the most obvious (if not the penultimate) themes of the show: masculinity. & masculinity, as understood by the vast majority of pirates around him & as it is framed in in stede's childhood trauma ("this is what a man's work looks like"), revolves around violence & specifically the ability to kill. this has been one of stede's primary struggles over the series — his (& ed's) unwillingness to kill, which he is told repeatedly is reflective of his inability to live up to the ideals of masculinity.

so now, as of the most recent two episodes, he has finally achieved his goal from the first season of being a feared pirate in his own right, with the citizens of the republic of pirates are singing his praises & literally ready to die for him. & he achieved this status by "wasting ned low." so he is finally living up to that masculine ideal — & being handsomely rewarded for it, socially speaking.

but what no one save the crew of the revenge knows is that stede didn't gain the upper hand on ned using violence — he beat him by talking it through with his crew, & asking "what if it weren't like that" in regards to the toxic vibe ned had created on his ship. ned low was NOT taken down by violence — his killing was extraneous & unnecessary in the sense that the victory had already been won.

i think that it's very telling that stede sees a flash of that same childhood trauma when he kills ned. & watching that scene, it's obvious that in the moment, he didn't like it, it didn't feel good to kill someone who he didn't need to. but what does feel good is the attention he is getting from the pirate community at large. he's a leo ass bitch who loves the glory, & loves feeling like he's finally fitting into society ("the gentleman pirate's the dude!" after setting a man on fire), but i think that he has forgotten that he originally went to sea to escape those kinds of pressures. but toxic masculinity ideals permeate all aspects of society, including piracy, & stede has a very externally-motivated sense of self worth. so when he is praised for killing a man, he leans into it.

& what stede doesn't realize is that his crew (& ed) like him because he doesn't fit that masculine ideal, because he has a different way of doing things. i don't think it's a coincidence that jim & olu (the heart of the crew) decide they want to leave to travel with zheng (following their hearts) as soon as stede starts being That Guy who's all about his big bad pirate reputation.

i also don't think it's a coincidence that stede gets his ass utterly beaten by zheng so shortly after killing ned low. i saw a post about this already, so apologies to the person who i am paraphrasing, but when stede killed ned & thus became a "real pirate," he left the world of muppetry low-stakes tom-foolery that exists on the revenge behind, & became an actual pirate whose actions have actual consequences. the reason that the muppet tricks he used to beat izzy in the duel in s1 didn't work on zheng is because he's a real boy now — & real boys can bleed.

& when we consider how this all plays against ed, who is finally finally finally realizing that he doesn't have to (or want to) live that way, we see some really interesting parallels. looking at their early s2 reunion fantasies, we can see a dramatic difference in how they see an "ideal" stede. in stede's, he has a beard, he is wearing no fine silks or decorative clothes, and he kills izzy without any sign of remorse. but in ed's, stede is just this magical beautiful being that ed feels safe with & like he can breathe around.

i think it would be really silly to say that stede is leaning into these masculinity ideals because of ed — this has always been about him & how own insecurities. but i do think there is an element of 'this is what ed wants me to be' happening in his thoughts, even as ed desperately tries to tell him, over & over again, that's not what he needs or wants from a partner, & not what he loves about stede.

& this brings us, finally, to their canonical 'first time.' which i must confess, i have some mixed feelings about as a stede writer. yes, they clearly both wanted it in the moment, there was consent given. yes, it was sweet & romantic & hot with the fireworks & the song & all. & while stede did just kinda grab ed & interrupt him (after he brought up his father no less), given how the morning after scene went (& the fact that ed's spiraling didn't appear to really start until later at the republic of pirates), i think we can assume it was still an overall good experience for them both. but i also think that stede was very much acting in the spur of the moment & without full awareness. he says to izzy in episode 5 that he is "better in the field" & that "i just sorta black out & my body takes over," & i think that's actually very true. i think there was an element of that "blacking out" happening to him in this moment. he was feeling a lot of emotions — not least of which was the adrenaline & fear from having watched ed be tortured & potentially killed, which can absolutely result in an intense need for physical closeness — & his body just took over. & while that reaction is realistic & understandable, i do still kinda wish that he would have just been in a little more of a stable mindset, a little more present when they finally had sex for the first time — especially given how 24 hours ago, ed had asked him to take it slow. i think they both deserved that much.

all this is made more poignant by the simple fact that stede's behavior while initiating their first time is textbook masculine behavior. use no words, grab your lover bodily, shove them against the wall, & kiss them silly. & that's all well & fine — amazing even if that's what ed wants ! but does he ? we don't know for sure, because stede didn't actually ask. & this is indicative of the much deeper issues at play in their relationship which come to a head in their split in ep. 7: if they truly understand not just who their partner is, but who they want to be. & they cannot figure that out together if stede doesn't even know it about himself yet.

& the simple fact that ed is actually doing a lot more than stede at the moment to redefine his sense of worth & act in a way that honors his emotional & self-fulfillment needs even if it's outside his comfort zone is really telling to me about how deeply stede is in denial with himself about who he really is & what he really wants at this moment. i mean, even izzy is doing a better job deconstructing his masculinity & finding his self confidence at this point in the series — izzy ! come on, stede, you're being lapped by the slow horsey !

in conclusion... stede get your shit together challenge ! we will wait to see how the finale goes, but i really hope that he can come to understand that... he doesn't have to be That Guy, if he doesn't want to be. he doesn't have to kill or live up to some standard of manhood in order to be worth something. he was fine before, when he was still kinda soft & frilly. he was loved ! he was good enough ! edward loved him before, just like he was. even his crew found family had come to love & rally behind him, just as he was. & if he doesn't start to understand that he was fine the way he was, & stop trying to force himself into this little masculinity box to please the rest of the world, then i think he is at serious risk of losing both ed & the crew.

#🪐 — stede / study. #this is v long. #i just have a lot of thoughts. #which can be mostly summed up by: #get it together goldfish boy ! #i wrote this instead of working. #🪐 — stede / headcanon.

[thegayneurodivergentagenda]

pran autism anon here!!! hi friend!!

so i was working on a fic today and i started wondering about pran and his diagnoses. obviously, as of our skyy, his ocd is diagnosed. i figured his autism could also have been diagnosed at the same time, but since him being autistic isn't canon, we will never know. there's also a possibility of him being diagnosed with autism as a kid (in my fic, this is what happened and the reason he got his ocd diagnosis in his 20s is because he and the people around him kept attributing a lot of his ocd symptoms to autism), but a lot of his behaviours and his tendency to mask lead me to believe that he grew up undiagnosed and learnt all these masking methods as a defence mechanism. yes i spent my sociology class today thinking about pran and how likely he would be to have a professional autism diagnosis in my totally canon version of bad buddy which is basically exactly bad buddy but pran is canonically autistic and aware of the fact. as i was writing this i also realised it's entirely possible that he is autistic and just doesn't know it yet. so yeah i was wondering what your opinions on this were? if you've ever thought about it.

sorry if none of this made any sense i am tired rn

I wrote an answer to this but tumblr glitched and deleted all of taking away my entire dopamine spike with it.

But I'm here again, more prepared than ever to write my thesis: Pran probably was unaware of his autism, majorly due to his relationship with his mother and Pat.

The premise of my thesis is rooted in the ways high functioning autistic traits manifest in Pran have always been rewarded and/or neglected because of his relationship with both Pat and Dissaya.

Symptom: Executive Dysfuntion , ie, the inability to plan, monitor, prioritize, make decisions etc.

The Executive Dysfuntion that would otherwise render most neurodivergents paralysed for an amount of time they can not perceive, does little to influence both Pat and Pran. They are being run by the mutual dopamine release of having to compete. Having an external source of pressure/deadline/competition provides just enough dopamine to make both task initiation and cessation easier.

Thus, more often that not, Pran wouldn't be experiencing the executive dysfuntion in presence of Pat and vise versa.

This does bring up the valid tangent of Pran's dysfuntion being visible when he gets transfered. For that, I do believe, mixed with the stress of having to transfer, the anger and hurt of leaving his entire life, the feeling of unfairness triggering his RSD and the need to have to mask for new people would provide enough context for him to attribute the dysfunction to THAT rather than autism.

Specifically with dissaya, the inability to do anything would probably have been met by "you should try again" or "did the neighbour's kid get it?". Would there have been many instances where Pran let dissaya know that he's unable to work? No. Would there have been some instances instances? Yes. Would they have instilled a sense of shame for his inability? Yes, more than what neurotypicals feel for the same inability.

Symptom: "incompetent" social skills (I WILL DIE ON THE HILL THAT DSM 5 JUST TALKS ABOUT INCOMPETENCE BECAUSE ITS WRITTEN BY NEUROTYPICALS WHO THINK THAT LYING TO PEOPLE'S FACES IS CRUCIAL FOR THE CAPITALIST HELLSPACE TO THRIVE I HATE IT SM)

When it comes to Pran, when we first meet him, he's shown to be interacting with his group of friends, he has a very nice conversation with his family and he is the class president for fucks sake. How can he be incompetent amirite???

First of all, he isn't. No one with autism is incompetent. They just have a different dialect.

Second of all, the rules to social interactions and communication is something people with autism learn after being reprimanded for their dialect, which as Anon pointed out previously, leads to a lot of masking.

The crux of masking as a concept comes to this: lying to save yourself.

Pat and Pran learnt early on, beyond their neurodivergence, that they need to lie and manipulate their presentations to save themselves from their families. Their interactions were always ladden with the awareness of the careful line they danced around; of lies and safety alike.

What takes years for us to understand, Pran speedran through. He spent a lot of his time energy trying to find ways to communicate with Pat without getting caught or hurt. And because they both wrote their own rulebook, learning other dialects became easy.

Long story short, given that they lied so much to sustain a friendship they both wanted, their ability to mask was never seen as a burden. It's just another lie. Very little emotional toll because their narrative around it is part of the larger struggle: their family. NOT autism.

Dissaya and her husband played a huge role in setting the rules for Pran, but even more so, they probably rewarded him for being poised and better than Pat (and the entire ming clan) at being respectful and correct in his speech. Regardless of his own inability to understand and the complex layers of his interactions with Pat, Dissaya taught very stern rules he needed to follow.

His and Dissaya's relationship taught him the needed communication rules to mask effectively, his and Pat's relationship taught him to navigate the guilt and dissonance that comes from masking and lying around social situations.

(Idk if I was coherent enough to explain this but I really hope my point go across)

Lastly, the question that arises then, is do we even believe Pran had autism if he doesn't struggle with the major two symptom?

The short answer: yes.

The long answer:

Struggle is not a contingency for you to qualify for a disability. Struggle may be visible or invisible. The costs of a disability may be visible or invisible.

He also had the privilege of having a neurodivergent best friend/enemy from the day he was born. And the clearly defined social language tutor of a mother.

That being said, it's not that he did not struggle, rather that he was able to build his world to minimize the costs and struggle.

The reason I so throughly believe in Pran’s Autism is because of the ways his everyday life (and P'Aof) shows the invisible struggle.

His hyperfixation with the smilies that he's used to understand and deal with emotions (symptom: emotional dysregulation, hyperfixation). His rigidity to his mechanisms (symptoms: routines and rituals). His inability to prioritize smaller decisions like going to save wai over his pens being set correctly (symptom: Executive Dysfuntion). His self rejection around being a burden and hyperindependance (symptom: RSD, Shame). His inability to let go of something that hurt him deeply, seemingly little to everyone else but a core issue for him in OURSKY2 when Pat jokes about Pran needing him.

Most importantly, he embodied Internalized ablism, one of the worst consequence of high functioning mental illness/conditions. Because we're able to be productive (barely) according to neurotypical standards it's second nature to fool yourself into thinking your disability doesn't even exist (@honeysachet bb).

But it's every single time Pran tells himself he should just take one more workload and it'll be okay. Sound with stage props and dating the actor in secret? Surely that would not be too much ??? The way he chose to take up an entire shifting of house because he felt so fucking guilty about causing Pat inconvenience (I can manage an entire transfer again whatever do you mean?) The way he visibly deflects in front of his parents mentioning not to date Pat (or Paa).

It's the little ways in which he struggles, the otherwise cracks in his perfect picture that he learns to embrace later. But not until his after his OCD diagnosis.

Conclusion: Pran was protected from the worst of his autism's consequences because of his relationship with Pat. Pran internalized a lot of his disability and consequent abelism because of his relationship with his mother. His struggle with his autism was hidden but it still existed, inextricably linked from the epic highs and lows of his life.

#this was supposed to be a small message #around my opinion #i wrote an essay #im sorry autismprananon #this was too rambly to make sense anyway #i also wanted to point out that Pat knows Prans imposter syndrome tendencies and #he would NEVER call him incompetent #only riling him up with “scared?” #because fear is so crucial to their dialect #i am so emotional about these babies #autism #bad buddy #our skyy 2 #patpran #bad buddy brain rot #bad buddy meta #neurodivergence #neurodivergence burden

[melicorn]

Content warning for discussion about depression, suicidality, mental illness, disability, therapy, treatment, hospitals, and the American healthcare system.

I don’t know a lot about John Fetterman; he seems like a decent guy though and I hope his treatment goes well. When I first saw the headline that he was checking himself into the hospital for depression, I thought, “well, good, I hope this starts many conversations about hospitalization for mental health treatment.”

I have already been thinking about hospitalization a lot lately. I turn 40 soon, which means it’s also the 10 year anniversary of my most recent mental hospitalization, following what had been my fourth or fifth suicide attempt. That stay got me on medication I still rely on today, and the follow-up outpatient care eventually led to the ADHD diagnosis which explained why my depression had been so resistant to treatment for such a long time. (Like I said, before age 30, I had four or five suicide attempts, over fifteen years in and out of therapy with at least half a dozen practitioners by that point, including a previous hospitalization, and tried more SSRIs and supplemental medications than I can remember.) Turns out all the serotonin in the world can’t make a difference if you don’t have dopamine.

One of the things my therapists would often ‘congratulate’ me on was my very clear and precise self-awareness regarding my mental illness. But that level of introspection meant over the years I grew increasingly frustrated and isolated by others’ inability to understand or empathize with my struggles. Even when I had complete lucidity over my mental state and could communicate it in a descriptive and accurate manner, there was no way the other person could actually *know* what it really *felt* like. Excepting, of course, some of the other patients who were in my unit at the hospital. In the year or two following my second hospitalization, I came to realize that the major barrier to neurotypical people understanding people with mental illness disorders and other neurodivergent diagnoses is that, unlike physical ailments, there really is no temporary mental illness. Of course some people experience trauma, grief, or deep sadness that require a short period of medical intervention, but the type of conditions that lead to multiple crises and hospitalizations are always lifelong. I do not pretend that passing physical maladies are truly comparable to permanent physical disabilities, but the fact that almost all people will have an injury or illness at some point that will at least partially debilitate them before recovery gives them at least a starting point to imagine what a permanent disability would be like. I do think this is part of the reason why society has been much better about creating standards for accessibility and accommodation regarding physical status as compared to mental status (although of course they are still woefully lacking in both areas).

After this realization, I had an idea for a comic I wanted to do about my experience with mental illness, and more specifically treatment for mental illness, especially in regards to how it works in the United States. I think I even talked about the general outline of it with one of my therapists, but of course, it never came to any kind of fruition because of ADHD and extreme executive dysfunction. (I mean, that’s why I gave up comics and any kind of art as a career all together, after all.) So here is the script I have carried around in my head for some nine or ten years, a bit of solace for whenever someone (including myself) asks me why I can’t just do a certain thing, or why I take so long to do something, or just in general why I am how I am.

Imagine you are walking along one day, and suddenly both of your legs break. Now, this isn’t the first time you’ve broken a leg, in fact, it seems to happen with some frequency, but rarely simultaneously, and this time they are really bad; all kinds of messed up angles that shouldn’t be there.

“Hey! Help!” You cry out, “I really need someone to help me!”

A few people pass by not noticing or pretending to not notice, but eventually someone stops and says, “oh wow, that looks really bad!”

“Yeah, I know” you reply, “can you help?”

“Oh sure, there’s a hospital just a block that way. If you get up and walk over there I’m sure they can fix you right up!”

“Uhh, what. Are you joking?”

“No, it’s just right there, see? It’s a really short walk!”

“Both my legs are extremely broken. I’m quite sure I cannot walk at all.”

“Have you even tried though? Look, I walk all the time, it’s quite easy, just put one foot in front of the other. Watch how I do it and I’m sure you can too!” And you watch them easily walk away as you are lying on the ground.

You start dragging yourself in the direction of the hospital using your hands and arms, continuing to ask for help from those walking past you. One person suggests that if your leg doesn’t work, you could just hop on the other leg. You explain, no, both of your legs are broken, you don’t have another leg to use. They look at you with a puzzled expression and say, “well that just doesn’t make any sense” while shaking their head and then going on about their business.

The last person you ask for help says, “oh, of course, let me carry you the rest of the way” and you let out a huge sigh of relief.

They continue, “just stand up so I can pick you up and piggyback you over there.”

“Umm, is it not clear that is entirely impossible for me?”

“Ugh, just standing?” They scoff, “how can I be expected to help you when you aren’t willing to help yourself even a little bit?”

“I mean, I already dragged myself over fifty yards of pavement, I think that’s pretty good.”

“That’s ridiculous, everyone can stand, even toddlers can stand for a little bit. All I’m asking you to do is stand for a few seconds so it’s easier for me to pick you up.”

You look down at your legs, each curved in a different spiraling shape, now fairly bloody from being dragged down the street. “And I am telling you I definitely cannot do that” you respond as they walk away.

Eventually you do manage to drag yourself through the hospital doors, your arms bruised and scraped, looking almost as bad as your legs. Fortunately the medical staff gets to you and takes you in for surgery right away. Well, not quite right away, as you’re hard to see on the floor, and perhaps one or two of the orderlies accidentally trampled you or ran a gurney over you, but none of that matters because now you’re in the hands of professionals and they are going to fix you!

The first thing they do, of course, is take you in for x-rays after asking you a few questions. They wheel you in to meet the doctor, and you think, “ah great, we’ll have the surgery to set the bones and then in a few weeks or months I’ll be good as new!” The doctor then explains that no, that is not going to be what’s happening, as you can clearly see in your x-rays, you don’t actually have any bones in your legs, just a bunch of toothpicks held together with scotch tape.

On your floor of the hospital, you meet other patients with toothpicks and scotch tape in their legs, some with twigs held together with twine, some that have plastic forks and hot glue, and even a few that were somehow getting by with crazy straws and silly string. Most of them are like you and never had bones in their legs to begin with, but there are a few that had their bones stolen by someone, or lost them in a horrible accident. You also see a few patients that do have real bones in their legs, but they also grew spring-loaded hammers attached to their toes that whack them in the shins every time they try to take a step.

Well, the toothpicks and scotch tape definitely explain why your legs seem to break so easily and frequently, but is there any way you can get real bones for your legs?

“Oh no,” the doctor explains, “your body can’t grow bones in your legs, and it would reject any bones we transplant into your legs, plus you would have no idea how to walk with them.”

“Well, I would argue I can barely walk as it is,” you respond, “but I guess I see your point.”

So you and the doctor discuss options and plans for treatment. Perhaps you can start by upgrading to bamboo skewers and duct tape, there’s a lot of new and exciting research coming out about the use of wooden dowels, and maybe once you’ve been in outpatient treatment for a while you can find a carpenter who can carve you custom support with hinges that are actually screwed in.

(And since this all happened before the Affordable Care Act was passed into law, and since even after it was passed it didn’t provide anywhere near the help that is needed.) “This all sounds good, but I just don’t know how I’ll be able to afford it. I’ve had a hard time staying employed, since my legs break every few months and jobs almost always require some amount of standing and walking.”

The hospital staff reassures you, “don’t worry, there’s a program for people without leg bones to help pay for their treatments, just go to this building when you check out.”

And so after about a week you do check out of the hospital, legs in full casts up to your hips to protect your new, but fragile, sticks inside. You’re able to hobble around surprisingly well using crutches, so you make your way to the address you were given.

When you get there, you find a building surrounded by a 10-foot tall stone wall and a 5-foot wide moat. You circle the whole building, but there are definitely no doors, bridges, or even windows within reach. You do find someone who seems to look official and in charge though.

“Excuse me,” you ask, “is this the place for people without bones in their legs? How am I supposed to enter?”

“Yes, this is it. You’ll just need to pole-vault over the moat and wall.”

“Umm, I think there’s been some mistake. I’m just recovering from both my legs breaking, as are most of the other people seeking your services, I believe. Are you able to provide any kind of assistance for me?”

“Oh, there’s no mistake. You grab onto the pole with your hands, so it’s totally fine for your to do. And we can loan you a pole if you need, you’ll just need to do 10 jumping jacks and a short hopscotch run.”

You roll your eyes thinking, how on earth does anyone ever get through this? As you look around, you see more people with fresh casts on their legs, or old bandages, or some with a leg still broken. You see a lot of them run a few steps with the pole only to have a leg give out from under them and they fall again. Many of them do just give up and crawl away at that point. Some people look like they have family members that are trying to push them over, or do the pole-vaulting themselves while carrying the injured person. A few have even hired a catapult to fling them over, but that seems to cost more than any financial assistance you could get. Eventually you decide to tunnel your way under. It’s slow and laborious, but it seems the least risky, and you really don’t want to break a leg again.

When you finally get through, you do start getting regular checks on how your legs are doing. You learn how to spot splinters so you can plus some glue on them before they turn into full fractures. And importantly you start working with a trainer to build up the strength of your leg muscles, and learn how to walk more delicately so that the sticks in your legs don’t get so much damage from impact. It’s a slow walk, but you’re staying upright, and it feels like something you can maintain for while.

As you start getting back out in the world more, you do notice that everyone walks much faster than you. Most of the time it doesn’t bother you that much, but sometimes you’re walking somewhere with family, friends, or coworkers, and they’re just getting really impatient with how slow you are. Some times you take the time to explain about how you don’t have bones in your legs, and if you walk any faster you risk one or both of your legs breaking again. And they will make a sad face and say that they will wait for you to catch up, but no one ever slows down to match your pace for more than a few strides. So more often you just say you’re tired, and the other person responds, “oh, that’s too bad. I would wait for you, but I have to go run this 10K to support #NoLegBonesAwareness - you really should join next time, bye!”

The worst thing that happens, though, is when someone asks you, “have you thought about what would help you walk better?” And you want to scream at them, “Bitch, of course I have! I think about it all the fucking time! Having actual fucking bones in my goddamn legs would help!” But of course you can’t do that because at least they’re trying to understand that you have a problem that they don’t know how to fix, whereas everyone else is suggesting calcium and vitamin D supplements to help your non-existent bones grow. Or when they find out walking is difficult for you, they suggest jogging might be easier instead. Or perhaps flying? Have you tried flying?

And so you just keep walking along, mostly slowly, sometimes a little quicker, and sometimes really, really slow. And meanwhile your peers are getting married, buying houses, starting families, all the regular things society likes to celebrate. And one day you realize you’ve been walking for a really long time, years maybe, without breaking a leg, and it’s the first time in your life you’ve gone that long without a broken leg. And you know that’s a much harder and more difficult achievement than any degree anyone’s earned or promotion they got, and took so much more work. But there’s only about a half dozen people in the entire world that actually understand that, and you’re not close with any of them.

And while you’re thinking about that, you hear a sickening, yet familiar crunch.

That’s what it’s like to live with mental illness.

#depression #tw sucidal ideation #mental illness #mental health #adhd #disability #hospitalization #adhd problems #tw depressing thoughts #healthcare #john fetterman #no bones day #cw depression #cw mental health #cw mental illness #tw injury

[islandcane]

Standing Tall

Standing Tall: Part 1 of 3 Our mission was to tell the greatest story never told. A tale of a creator who changed the face of Carnival as we know it. A well-crafted narrative about an unparalleled genius who single-handedly revolutionized ‘The Mas’ and through his works, changed the landscape of fashion, design, and puppetry, via his artistic designs, by contributing multiple mastermind creations – including one of the most significant, and iconic contributions to pop culture in our lifetime.

Alas, we failed. Here’s the story behind the story… A year into the pandemic we worked our way into the room, consisting of powerful decision-makers responsible for many of the hits you see today on Netflix and other streaming platforms. Strategically placed behind them sit rows of Emmy statues, akin to the way a child or collector would line their toys on a shelf, as a subtle and gentle reminder perhaps who wields power. It is important to give credit where credit is due. We arrived at this point because five Carnival entities brainstormed for months on how we could make a significant contribution to our culture and galvanize our community to band together on Carnival Monday and Tuesday – recognizing that there would be no festivities in 2021. One of the ideas revolved around the production of a television series that would pay homage to the icons, history, and future of the "greatest show on earth". These powerful brands comprised of a Carnival juggernaut, an international DJ, event mavens, and media and talent specialists. We knew that if we stuck with it, we could make it work! One day, after a meeting comprising of our teams that included both genders, someone excitedly exclaimed that we had never taken a picture together. A strange thought perhaps as we were all practically in the same year of college, and for the most part, attended similar secondary schools or kicked ball together. That’s when an impromptu photo of five guys, with the hashtag #CarnivalAvengers, became fodder for certain members of the public to speak of the male domination of Carnival and the inherent problems of Mas. The funny part of it all was that four out of five of those guys probably didn’t want to take that darn picture, and I have to tell you, nearly every entity had (and has) some of the most incredible and dynamic women running the actual operation. So, while we departed the meeting earlier than expected, the true heroines were upstairs drawing up battle plans.   The viral uproar sadly put a spoke in the wheel of an agenda that revolved around educational initiatives and community-building ventures, in a genuine and good-hearted effort to show our people (and the world) that we could represent the spirit of Carnival in a time when we lacked it. Mere weeks later, the group dismantled. Ironically, it only amplified the respect that the foreign executives had for us, and -- to my knowledge -- one of the women who vociferously fought against “the regime”, ended up collaborating with one of the Avengers for an upcoming Carnival project. I guess there were some wins after all. The documentary series ended up falling apart for a few reasons. Primarily, our inability to confirm that Carnival was going to happen … amid public distrust for the entertainment sector, and soaring cases worldwide -- which was the final nail in the coffin for any Mas, and of course our project. Looking through the pages of our pitch deck, one name came up over and over again, and no matter how you tried to connect the dots of Carnival, one cannot do so without recognizing, the one and only, indomitable, Peter Minshall. Standing Tall: Part 2 of 3

A few months later a team of my peers focused on making a film on Peter Minshall; specifically his work during the Olympics in Barcelona and Atlanta. This 90-minute documentary pitch was well received by foreign production & distribution firms, but to maintain creative control it would mean aligning ourselves with sponsors to acquire the seed capital to create this piece of art.

Several joined our efforts, but there was one in particular that offered to become a Title sponsor in this venture. We celebrated and began filming the documentary with what little we had, believing in the dream.

That may have been the beginning of the end, for as they say, “never count your chickens...”

It was a Wednesday, and this specific hump day would soon feel like kyphosis.

I was on my way to a meeting with one of the greatest minds behind the production of Carnival events, Hasani Lesedi. Prior to entering the restaurant, I received a call from the brand manager of our “Title sponsor” for the film. She sounded amazingly chipper. At the time, I figured she probably wanted to discuss some of the finer points before signing the contract that week.  

After an exchange of pleasantries, it was revealed that the deal had fallen through based on various mitigating factors – and do note, to this day, there has been no letter to explain their rationale. The blood literally left my face, and I looked like a ghost for Halloween.

Upon wrapping up the call I sat down opposite Lesedi, who proceeded to ask me if someone died. My response was, “Me apparently.”

I have faced heartbreak before in my personal life as well as in business transactions, and there have been many challenges that have tested us beyond measure. This specific deal, conducted with this prestigious banking institution, stung the most. . FIRST off, the way it fell apart rattled me to the core, and the whimsical and nonchalant manner of the dismissal irked my spirit and crushed my soul. The radio silence that these men and women adopt when they have left you at the crematorium doesn't help either.

Sometimes I wonder if executives in these high, seemingly unreachable, positions ever take the time to understand or consider the level of damage that is done when they rip the hearts out of the chests of creators or enterprising business folk. I’m pretty sure they sleep well at night. However, I do fear by treating us this way, they unwittingly create one of three monsters: the self-loather, the hater, or the avenger. One resorts to acts of harm against themselves. The other becomes so jaded that they hate everything about their island and people. The last is consumed by vengeance and eventually one day (maybe) they have it, but at what cost?

Whether it lasts a day or several months, everyone who has lost a deal finds themselves questioning their worth. Personally, I felt I had hit rock bottom.

Our team worked tirelessly for many months doing this dog and pony show, all with "my word is bond" promises. Yet somehow, curiously in the process, we found ourselves aligned with another entity that we now had to provide 25% of our ask, as the determining factor to acquire what we were seeking.  

Perhaps you want to say "it's just business", but speak to any producer in our industry, such as Danielle Dieffenthaller, Lisa Wickham, or Michael Mooledhar -- entertainment is different. Sometimes it feels like no matter what we accomplish, it is almost as if we have to approach our next sale as if we are first-time sellers. Even in music, by comparison, a reggae singer creates a smash song and tours on that track for several years – sometimes their entire life; a soca artist (on the other hand) must deliver a hit single every year in order to survive. 

The economic landscape is also far more disparate. In 2000, there were a handful of promoters attempting to woo companies for a pot that was valued in the tens of millions. Today, the pot hasn’t grown and there are a thousand of us fighting for the same sum.

My mom, occasionally a sleuth and conspiracy theorist, believes that someone else received the funding, as the institution wouldn’t let it simply slip away into the ether. Perhaps, she’s right, but contemplating those actions sends one down the rabbit hole, and I was already submerged so deep, I did not wish to discover how close I was to the bottom.  

Frantically calling around in an attempt to salvage the production, one executive suggested that we would probably acquire the financing to complete the film once our protagonist passes on. Proving once again that the only time we see the value in our creators is when they’ve reached the gates of Heaven.

A few days later I packed up and left for Barcelona, for what was supposed to be a filming run that would touch five cities around the globe, covering terrain that Minshall had impacted over the course of his career. Instead, I spent the month with my wife and her family in Germany and learned the value of loved ones and unpacking mental and physical baggage.

Standing Tall: Part 3 of 3

The two years following the pandemic were extremely tough for those in the entertainment sector.

Professionally, we parted ways with a band we managed for sixteen years. Covid created a housing crisis. Soaring inflation did not help our mortgage situation. Plus, being kept in solitude without being able to provide care or support for those in our family, bore witness to the loss of loved ones.

These were not the best of times.

Developing a plethora of successful acts over two decades conjured a mental, spiritual, and emotional toll on my business partner and I, and in April 2020 a conscious decision to hang up my music management hat was made. Even thoughts of relocating started to infiltrate my mindset. A first for me, as I consider myself extremely patriotic.

However, the Minshall project steadied me.

I could channel my energies on a cherished icon that made me fall in love with Mas. So much so, I fondly remember when our family would rush to sit in front of the television set just to see how Minshall would delight us on Dimanche Gras or Carnival Tuesday.

Today, I value and recognize the incredible pool of talent and resources we are blessed with, because of the camp he created in Chaguaramas (and even prior at his home in Woodbrook).

The fact is, when projects like these fall apart, multiple people are affected. Our crew is made up of twenty or more members who dedicated more than a year to see this through. Some are based here, others in the United States, the United Kingdom, and even Australia.

The cloud that hung over me after receiving the call from the marketing manager at the Bank, lasted for some time and it slowly morphed into this physical cross that I felt, I alone had to bear as a citizen.

It was on my Euro trip that I began to unpack these heavy negative emotions I thought I buried but realized were still there. The more I let go and accepted light, the stronger my spirit, resolve, and determination grew akin to a Phoenix rising out of the ashes.

Then something extraordinary happened.

Before we could return home, we had to fly through Barcelona, as that was where we were supposed to capture B-roll and interviews on Minshall's work on the '92 Olympics. My wife insisted we visit an art museum. My heart was still heavy, but Tanja's determination allowed us to see the works of great modernist artists like Banksy, Mungo Thomson, Guillermo Lorca, Kaws, and Takashi Murakmi. Minshall is not represented in those halls, and the fact that he isn't, is not his fault, but ours... and that visit lit a fire.   

Marveling at the artistry displayed by these creators, I made a conscious decision that we need to do a better job to ensure our stories are told, from Codallo to Meiling to Ras Shorty to Lynn Taitt to Beryl McBurnie and many others. All seen through a global lens, thereby giving our culture a chance to reach millions of subscribers on platforms like Netflix, Amazon, Disney, or Hulu. 

Now that I'm back on home soil, our team is making a determined effort to finish what we started. It starts by securing the necessary funds to complete the documentary, of course, and so letters will be sent and calls shall be made.

It's absolutely incredulous and insane that I need to resort to any platform to champion a cause, such as this, to raise funding for a documentary on Peter Minshall.

To put this into perspective, we have distributed more than 100 letters to seek assistance, of which we have had less than a 7% success rate. Some were bold enough to ask for ROI and SDG evidence, and I wanted to respond, "Minshall's work and contributions to our industry have created more of a return on an investment for our country than your firm will achieve in 100 years." 

One would think this is a no-brainer, but clearly, justifying funds for worthwhile causes has always been a moral dilemma for those who sit in high places. 

There are times when I wish I knew the likes of multi-millionaires or billionaires who could be supportive of our vision and help not just me, but all creators who face this struggle of telling tales on shoestring budgets. And to echo a comment made by a very wealthy person involved in the construction sector, "...who dies with the most, wins". That's the perspective of Trinidad's rich perhaps and our reality.Fairy godmothers and genies are but a fantasy perhaps... If only MacKenzie Scott were a Trini.

It is true, I failed, and as a collective, we were unsuccessful. But you, Mr. Title Sponsor, along with the dozens of rejections received from various corporate and public sector interests, didn’t break us. My team is still here… standing tall.

At this point, none of us knows where the financing will come from to finish what we started, but we have assembled into a stronger force than how you left us.

One day we will remind you. Not through vengeance, but via success.   

#light #positivity #good vibes #never give up #Carnival Avenger

#light #positivity #good vibes #never give up

[dogydayz]

[In a PrismSpace similar to, yet unlike the ones we may know best, three agents man a spaceship about to launch, preparing to leave and search for a Space that G.U.N. may be able to better utilize without creating such great amounts of suspicion amongst those living on their "home planet"]

[Truthfully, it is hardly a home to them. Nothing is truly a home to any of them, well… Besides the ARK, which they had all been kept on for the beginnings of their lives… But they lack the fond memories of it that most homes require to be, well… Homes.]

[The one leading the operation, manning the controls of the ship, was a small fox known as Project Mutant, the product of G.U.N. conducting experiments on adult Mobians via the use of radiation and various chemicals designed to induce mutations in offspring. He was the only offspring to survive after birth, and the project itself was shut down after all the Mobians tested on had developed severe cancerous tumors that quickly took over their bodies, leading to their eventual deaths. Mutant, also known as "Freak", somehow managed to turn out healthy, healthy enough to thrive, despite having grown an extra tail and having been born with strange internal abnormalities. Unable to speak due to some form of neurological disconnect between the muscles that move his tongue and lips, yet one of the fastest learners out of all of the projects they'd worked with and able to pick up on information in ways that rival even some of G.U.N.'s specially designed robots. As such, he's often placed as the technical leader. Those he interacts most with have learned the various signed signals he uses to communicate, and the one he often denotes as his "brother" can even interpret his expressions and various small noises he makes. He often intentionally feigns an inability to communicate properly to G.U.N. soldiers and staff, however, to get out of doing certain things. Despite being the youngest of the crew, he's often shown the most respect by others, and even those who tend to go rogue often will listen to him.]

[Alongside "Freak", watching out the glass and gazing at the vast, beautiful, yet absolutely terrifying expanse of the Prism Void, was a hedgehog with bristly quills and covered in bruises from earlier training. Project Velocity was his name, though most referred to him as simply "Velo". Truthfully, he wasn't actually created by G.U.N., yet they often tout him as one of their special projects anyhow. He barely knew of his life prior to being taken to the ARK, though it's unknown if he truly couldn't remember, or if his memories had been directly wiped once he was taken there. He arrived around the same time one of their earlier projects had been "re-awakened", the both of them ending up with amnesia at that time as well. As a result, they quickly grew to see one another as odd sorts of rivals, often having to be separated from one another as they'd refuse to listen to commands given to them while bickering or fooling around like the kids they were.

What interested G.U.N. about this person, though, was specifically how in-tune he was to Chaos Energy, despite having never been specially "built" to have any sort of connection to it. Much of the research they do is to try to push his limits, figure out what could break him, figure out what could give him more power, etc. However, they've learned quickly that he's… Quite the peaceful sort, and would often think of the tests they'd run as a game, that is… Until they successfully managed to break his spirit.

He was the first of the various projects to welcome Freak into the team, and was the friendliest of the bunch overall apart from Project Med, who was still being tested at the time anyway. Velo had welcomed Freak in and took him under his wing almost immediately, doing all he could to protect the poor kid while they endured the stress and dangers of being a part of a military organization.

G.U.N. eventually took advantage of their familial bond later on, however. Always with a finger on the trigger, they threatened to exterminate Freak if Velo were to continue to push against their commands, and nearly acted upon it at one point too. From then on, Velo became… Far more stressed, far more immediate in his actions, and would often grow upset at the others if they didn't follow commands either…. Because, well… His brother's life was on the line.]

[…While many of the others never fully could grasp exactly why Velo was so concerned with Freak's life, even if they did still care… One of them DID understand it.

He was one of the earliest projects of G.U.N.'s, no longer even referred to by his experiment name, but rather simply called "Shade". Created long ago, he had been designed to act as a potential cure, only for the one he was meant to 'cure' to try to get him out of the clutches of the G.U.N. researchers and soldiers. However… She ultimately failed, being eliminated before she could get him out of there, and in the end… He was forced to watch her be murdered, before getting cornered and "shut down" and put into a state of comatose, while his creator was sent spiraling into insanity as a result of his grief, failing to produce a viable bioweapon for G.U.N. after the events regarding his initial project, and soon killed for trying to use the non-viable bioweapon to fight back against the soldiers. The bioweapon was sealed away shortly after, and the original project, Shade, was left locked away in a slumber, his body frozen.

50 years later, with his memories blocked out, he would be re-awakened by G.U.N. to be used as a weapon to them, due to the failure of the other bioweapon. However, he would end up meeting Velo, and the two would become fast "fighters" against one another, acting like the silly teens they were at the time when interacting with one another. Of course, the researchers grew tired of having to deal with this, and so… In an attempt to shut Shade down, they returned his memories of the past to him.

For the next few years he would be… Scarily complacent with orders given to him, and he would be silent to just about everyone else. Yet, inside, a rage began to bubble… With every command given to him, internally he wished to just let loose his fury… Yet he was almost too terrified to even try it. He was forced to comply to it, to those who'd destroyed his life… But he knew they wouldn't hesitate to destroy what little he now had if he were to pull anything dangerous.

At some point, the crew would be given a mission that would put them into individual groups… Freak, Velo, and Shade were often placed together as a result of how well they worked together….. But as they'd all learn, it was initially out of fear of losing eachother that they did it. While out, things would start to slip through the cracks, and finally… It would all break. They would all spill what had been scaring them, what they'd gone through, things they'd seen…

And thus… They became some of the only ones to truly understand just what G.U.N. was capable of… Aside from the crew's own rogue spy… But she's a bit of a different case.]

[Now, the three pilot a chrome spaceship through a colorful void, searching for a world to be used as G.U.N.'s newest base sector…

But the three knew their real goal. It had been years, far too many, since they'd been kids together…. Yet they still yearned for something more than what they had now.

Battered and bruised from training and tests, the three of them planned their newest goal… To scout out their escape, to find a place where they could run to. They'd have to go back to the ARK first to pick up the rest of them… Of course they couldn't leave the others….

But… Soon… They wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. Soon, they'd have a true home, they'd get to relive the childhoods they never had, they'd get to enjoy the beauty of the world and live for themselves… And not for the benefit of others.]

[Tired eyes watched the stars as they entered a portal into a strange galaxy, finding a far off planet before them in the distance…

His once shining crimson eyes were greyed from malnourishment. It seems that G.U.N. doesn't quite value the mental benefits of a good meal, so long as the lifeform doesn't physically require it….

He was barely even 24, yet his features were sunken and dull, his quills broken in various places and jutting out here and there… Immortal his goddamn ass… He felt like he was falling apart every fucking day… And yet he hated that he physically felt fine. He didn't feel real, he didn't feel like a person… He… Struggled to see himself as any more than what they'd made of him… The only thing keeping him grounded at this point was his friends, his friends who didn't fucking care if he was designed for some pragmatic purpose, who didn't care if he was a "failure", who didn't give a shit if he was truly some "ultimate lifeform" or really just a guy….]

[He wished to the stars above them that maybe, just maybe… This would be the place… That this would be where they'd all find safety… A home….]

[Sitting in his apartment, Shadow was resting in bed, listening to some music to help him fall asleep, unaware that very soon, he would have to help save both the home that he knows…. And himself.]

#sth au #sonic au #my au #writing #my writing #sth #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #tails the fox #paradox au #long text post

[hancockstan]

I posted 379 times in 2022

19 posts created (5%)

360 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@letmebegaytodd

@commonwealthbankofmaccready

@jinglyjangly

@fallout-lou-begas

@myfalloutgals

I tagged 41 of my posts in 2022

#fallout - 7 posts

#fo4 - 7 posts

#fnv - 6 posts

#not fallout - 6 posts

#benny - 2 posts

#hysterical wheeze laugh from me - 1 post

#specifically thinking about big boy - 1 post

#but instead of caravan - 1 post

#to be clear everything is the same - 1 post

#he’s playing glads obviously - 1 post

Longest Tag: 102 characters

#i feel like if he was an older/less attractive dude villain fuckers would have still gotten him though

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Holy shit I’m really seeing people argue that Joshua Graham is a morally good person. What fucking year is this?? Getting 2012 tumblr vibes tonight folks.

16 notes - Posted June 18, 2022

#4

Fallout fan confession, I love "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle" as much as the next person but growing up around horses and working with them really makes me cringe when I see them. The song slaps but the whole spurs aesthetic is ruined for me. Like, take the time to properly train your horse! You don't need the spurs I swear! Don't want this to cause controversy in the horsing community so none of you better let this post breach fandom containment.

18 notes - Posted June 6, 2022

#3

Look what my friend gave me today

28 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#2

I see your “don’t mistake my distaste in causing harm for an inability to do so” and raise you “don’t mistake my hard-fought self restraint for a lack of near blinding desire to hurt people who’ve earned it.”

63 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Man, I finally watched Goncharov for the first time and it’s crazy how so many spy/thriller/action movies have made obvious references to it that I never picked up before. Like that scene in Atomic Blonde with the umbrellas is just like the end of the second act when Goncharov realizes that Nickolas has betrayed him but still has to keep working with him so that his sister that runs the chop shop won’t back out of the deal with Sterling’s crew. And I only now realize what a clever twist atomic Blonde had on that scene since obviously the average person already knows the beats of Goncharov even if they never saw it, just through pop culture osmosis. So when she ultimately fails to protect Spyglass it comes as a double shock to the audience who has already seen a million parodies and references where this scene goes right for the protagonist. Also the end of the movie where Goncharov and Ivan are driving out to the middle of the wilderness and both of their actors are actually sleep deprived and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning is more iconic the Jack Nicolson in the Shinning. Sorry not sorry.

129 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #My most popular post was the damn Goncharov joke

[sophia-sol]

A Strange and Stubborn Endurance, by Foz Meadows

Ohhhhhh boy. Where to start. Where to start with this. I suppose I'll start by saying that I think this is a very well-meaning book that is probably great for people who are looking for a specific kind of thing in their literature, but that person is emphatically not me and I am going to put a WHOLE lot of words of complaint after this.

(cut for a) significant spoilers, b) me being a grump, and c) discussion of rape)

This is a book that is advertised as a heartwarming queer romance plus political intrigue. I was not expecting to have extended on-screen rape in the first 25 pages. Like, there's a content warning at the beginning of the book that mentions explicit rape? But I was expecting us to work up to it, rather than be confronted with it IMMEDIATELY and at length, and before the reader has been able to build up any trust in the narrative to feel able to trust what it's going to do with this. It turns out though that it's not just that the book CONTAINS rape etc; it is actually ABOUT rape and the trauma of it and the recovery process, which you would never guess from the marketing copy or from the professional reviews I read, or even the content warning tbh. So it was really startling and uncomfortable in a bad way to be thrown into that without my expectations having been set appropriately.

So that....was an inauspicious beginning.

But even beyond that, there were a lot of fundamental things about the book that really didn't work for me in the way that they were clearly intended. 

So the book is an arranged cross-cultural marriage, between Velasin, a man who has been exiled from a culture that is very sexist and homophobic, and Caethari, a man from a culture that is not either of those things. 

The worldbuilding of that second culture feels a lot like the author was like, I'm going to create a culture that lives up to all my ideals!! which is so valid as a wish-fulfilment fantasy, but is not enjoyable to me as a realistic depiction of how things would work, especially in a multicultural context like this clearly is. Give me reasons why Tithena is like this, when none of the countries around it are?? But Tithenai culture has no sexism or homophobia or transphobia, everyone understands consent and it's a fundamental part of their laws and their customs, and it's understood that ritual is important when grieving a loss, including the loss of a pet or a horse. Even Tithenai food is better!

And there are two ways in which this makes other things not work for me in the book, even beyond the general issue with me not wanting my worldbuilding to be nothing but ungrounded wish fulfilment.

First: this makes the cross-cultural communication difficulties within the relationship really dissatisfying, because it's not "these two cultures do things differently and both Velasin and Caethari have to do some learning to understand each other," it's "Velasin has to learn to stop being so Ralian about everything because Ralia sucks." That's not what I read this kind of relationship dynamic for!!! It's uninteresting and reductive, imo.

Second: It makes the ways that there ARE still unquestioned issues in Tithenai culture far more uncomfortable, because I'm left being like "......does the author not realise the significant issues here?" Like, there are different legal privileges for people of the nobility, for crying out loud! And this is just fine???? Ugh, the unthinking classism throughout was a real thing. Also, although Tithenai people are generally better about Markel's inability to speak than anyone in Ralia is, there's still obviously ableism, because sign language is completely unknown in the country, nobody has ever met anyone who's mute before (or Deaf, or anything else related), and there are NO other disabled characters in the entire book. So like. If the author was trying to create a wish-fulfilment idealised culture here, I do not like it.

(And THEN the intersection between the classism and ableism as embodied by Markel made his close friendship with Velasin feel uncomfortably near to the "loyal servant" trope, too.)

(And if the point of the book is indulgent wish-fulfilment, then why so much murder and death throughout? There are SO many people who are dead by the conclusion of the novel! This is not indulgent wish-fulfilment to me!!)

And then. As if it isn't bad enough that nobility can access the judicial system through a different method than others, Our Heroes decide to work entirely extrajudicially to impose a permanent physical punishment on a person they believe deserving of it. And like, yeah, sure, the dude was a whole pile of dicks and did some extremely horrible things, but....WOW. What make you so special, my guys, that you can be judge, jury, and executioner on your own? And later in the book there's like, two sentences worth of them feeling mildly uncomfortable about this, and then it's dismissed forever. Let's not think about it! It's fine!!!!

But also why are Velasin and Caethari so intimately involved with the major criminal investigation that spans the book (....unrelated, at least at first, to the pile-of-dicks guy in the prior paragraph) in the first place? It's not either of their jobs, neither of them has particular skills or experience that would be relevant to them being the main detectives; it seems that it's just because it's attacks on them/their household and because they're nobility and can do whatever the heck they want. It would really be nice if there had been any kind of explanation of WHY they were part of the investigative team!

Which is a particularly funny complaint when I move on to the next aspect of this book I want to complain about, which is that it has a tendency to overexplain EVERYTHING. It feels like the narrative doesn't trust the reader to pick up on anything unless it's explicitly laid out. Even for something as simple as: a character says something that, from the way it's put together and the way it's said, is obviously a common saying or proverb in their culture. And then the narrative takes the time to specify that that's what it is. It's enormously irritating, and slows the whole thing down.

Relatedly, the characters are extraordinarily self aware of their own emotions and thought processes and these all get explained to the reader at length, both in the narrative and in their conversations. And they're always right in their understanding of their own thoughts and feelings! Plus people are awfully willing to extensively answer questions about all sorts of things in a way that doesn't feel naturalistic.

BUT. Sometimes the narrative deliberately chooses not to explain something, for no other reason than because I suppose the author wanted to hide a detail in order to make the later reveal more dramatic? Like when Velasin and Caethari make plans together -- on page! -- about what they're going to do with Killic when he shows up unexpectedly, but the reader isn't told what the plan is until it's enacted. This feels like cheating tbh!

Okay. Let's move on to talking about the main relationship and main characters. I've already touched on this, in the cross-cultural communication frustrations, and the way they all talk like they have swallowed a self-help book. But also. The two of them start the book foreign strangers in an arranged marriage that they feel weird about, and within DAYS completely trust and love each other. This is too fast. This is way too fast! Even with the extenuating circumstances, like yes near-death situations do make people who experience them together more closely bonded, it's still unsatisfyingly fast. I don't feel like I actually got to see them learning to know and like each other in any kind of real and deep way, despite all the extended conversations about feelings they had.

And it's fairly standard in a romance novel that gives equal pov space to both characters that both characters should get to experience a growth/development/character arc, but I really didn't feel like that was the case here. Velasin definitely gets one, but what's Caethari's? I actually feel like his arc is juuuuuuuust about to begin when the book abruptly ends. He's just discovered that his beloved younger sister has committed many crimes against him and people he loves, and then that beloved younger sister dies! But we just move RIGHT on past that and finish the book on Velasin's pov, which is all, wow isn't my relationship with Caethari amazing, the end. Again: unsatisfying.

The thing is, I can tell what kind of emotions the book was intended to invoke in the reader throughout, and none of it worked on me because I was too irritated by *gestures emphatically to all of the above* which then just made me irritated about the attempts to make me feel things! So it's possible I'm more irritated at this book than it really deserves, because despite all of the above issues, it's not overall a <i>bad</i> book. I'm guessing some readers find it helpful to have everything explicated in the narrative, and I'm sure many people find it affirming to get to read the story of a man who was raped getting to experience validation of the trauma, and healing, and love. And it can get tiring to constantly read books in settings where people with your identities are oppressed in various ways, so I'm guessing at least some queer people find it relieving to hang out in Tithena for the space of a book. And so on, and so forth. There are reasons the author wrote this book the way they did.

But I was reading this book at the same time as I was doing a reread of Gideon the Ninth, and the vast contrast between approaches was just.....so contrasting. And although on paper a queer secondary world fantasy romance with politics seems more likely to be my thing than a horror novel about necromancers in space, the way the two authors approach the stories mean that the necromancers are where I'm at!

One final complaint: The choice to have one character's chapters be first person and the other be limited third is weird. I've come across it before and I just do not understand it! What is the purpose behind this choice? If anyone can explain it to me, please do, because I want to understand.

Edit: oh and I can’t believe I forgot to mention! It’s supposed to be about politics but it is NOT about politics, the supposed politics are a murder mystery plot that resolves into what’s ultimately just an internal family inheritance dispute!

#book thoughts #a strange and stubborn endurance #foz meadows