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cinebration · 3 years

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Cuts & Bruises, Wounds & Abuses (Captain Syverson x Reader) [Epilogue]

THE END.

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Warnings: none

Gif Source: littlefreya

ELEVEN MONTHS LATER

People milled about, some waiting, others heading upstairs to the security lines in the terminal. The PA system announced flights and boarding gates. Luggage moved in circles on carousels, picked up in turn by their owners.

You waited by the automatic doors, buzzing with excitement. You searched every face appearing at the top of the stairs.

It had been ten months since your article had been published. Short-listed for the Pulitzer, it had revived national attention and had been praised for its incisive, sympathetic look at both sides of the conflict.

The article had drawn significant attention for its photographs. You had deliberately kept the cracked lens on your camera when taking the photos. The haunting images, featured via the damaged lens, were being hailed as art.

Syverson had borrowed Robinson’s webcam to speak to you face-to-face after he read the article. To your surprise, you were greeted with Mahmoud, Robinson, and Syverson. They had nothing but praise for the article and the photographs.

Seeing Syverson’s gruff face again had stirred up your emotions. From the look on his face, you may have had the same effect. In the weeks after your return to the States, you both had exchanged emails every few days. They began cordially, much like small talk, but by the time you had seen him via the webcam, you had already felt like you had known him forever and a day.

The soulmate thing helped. You hadn’t told him you knew. You still struggled to understand it fully. But what you did know was that it felt right, like something in the universe had clicked into place.

Syverson borrowed Robinson’s facecam often after that. Even after they were deployed elsewhere in the aftermath of the water station’s bombing, he had still asked for Robinson to share.

The news of the water station’s domestic bombing had struck you hard. All that hard work gone in an instant, destroyed. You could almost feel the despair in the people as Syverson informed you of it.

His exasperation had been the worst of it. Nevermind the ache you felt in your knee as he overworked it in the following months—it was his absolute resignation that you truly felt. His exhaustion.

The end of his tour hadn’t come soon enough for either of you.

You stood on tiptoe to see above the moving heads of people milling about before you. Where was he?

There.

At the top of the stairs, Syverson appeared. Your breath caught in your chest seeing him. Raising a hand, you waved it hesitantly in his direction, heart pounding against your ribs.

He saw you after a moment, locking eyes across the terminal. Something flickered across his features. He descended the stairs as you moved toward him, pushing through people like a shark through a school of fish.

“Captain,” you called. The little nickname had cropped up organically in the first volley of emails, a tiny form of teasing you couldn’t spare him from.

Syverson strode forward as though he didn’t intend to stop. You paused, confused by the hard look on his face.

“Is something—”

Seizing you by the face, Syverson attacked your lips, his hands sliding down your body to yank him against him. Your hands splayed across his muscled chest in surprise, trying to hold on as he swept his tongue into your mouth, hot and desperate.

It was a grip that said mine at last.

Kissing him back with equal fervor, you had to wrench yourself away for air, lungs gasping deliciously. You felt weak, your legs wobbly beneath you.

“Sy,” you breathed. You looked up at him.

His blue eyes burned. “I should’ve done that eleven months ago.”

A silly smile pulled at your lips. Syverson leaned forward for another kiss, his hands tight on your back and hip. It was all you could do not to moan aloud.

“I didn’t believe him,” Syverson said when you broke for air again. “It didn’t seem possible, but we are.” The huskiness of his voice made your swimming head plunge deeper into the swirling waters.

“I know,” you managed to whisper, meeting his gaze again. “Robinson told me. I didn’t believe it either.”

“Wait, you know?”

You nodded.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Syverson muttered, “If I’d listened to him sooner—”

You smothered his voice with another kiss, then leaned back in his strong arms. “We have a lot of catching up to do. Let’s get your bag so we can get started.” Your lips quirked into a sly smile. “The sooner, the better.”

A wolfish grin pulled at his mouth.

As you waited by the luggage, looking forward to this new future, Syverson lifted your scarred hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to it.

The pain had been worth it for that moment alone.

#Captain Syverson x Reader #Captain Syverson #Captain Syverson imagine #Henry Cavill x Reader #Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill imgaine #Sand Castle (2017)#Netflix Sand Castle

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iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid · 3 years

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platonic endhawks w/ romantic dabihawks is such good flavor. tfw your enemies to lovers bf hates? his dad who is a former idol turned dear friend. i think platonic relationships are just as important as romantic so it creates an interesting conflict for hawks.

YEAH! you get it!

the hawks and endeavor dynamic is one of my favorites tbh. i've said it before but i'm obsessed with the concept of endeavor trying so hard to be a better father and make up for all his past mistakes and then being completely unable to not apply that fatherly instinct to hawks, too. yeah he's the number two hero, yeah he's incredibly competent and he can take care of himself in the field, but this kid is fuyumi's age. i'm a solid eighteen years younger than endeavor and even i think 23 is Way Too Fucking Young For This Shit, man

and then you have hawks, who like.... this is venturing into my own interpretation, but i think he had a terrible father in completely the opposite way that the todorokis did. i feel like takami wasn't physically abusive but he did not love hawks, like, at all. literally only kept the kid around so he wouldn't rat him out to the heroes. whereas endeavor loves his kids (so much that losing touya cracked something and sent him over the deep end for a long while there) and loving them didn't stop him from hurting them anyway. so endeavor regrets the way he was before so intensely but takami just, doesn't? and it makes it easy for hawks to really admire the way endeavor's trying, because it's what he wishes his dad would've done. plus i just. really want that boy to get a hug, and endeavor's so.... Big..... and Warm......

as for dabihawks, i very accidentally stumbled into that one lmao. it does add quite a nice flavor to it though, i have to admit. we're all suckers for a good enemies to lovers ship, huh? and added conflict with endeavor is just, delicious

#i got rambly here but YEAH ANON! you get it you get me #dabihawks #endeavor #hawks #sam answers stuff #anon

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dotthings · 4 years

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So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities.

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands.

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts.

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune.

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once.

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often.

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet.

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again.

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t).

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack.

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first.

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him.

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me.

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly.

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way.

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

#Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Dean and Cas #Team Free Will #Jack Kline #Supernatural #spn #supernatural spoilers #meta

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

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TFW you realize you relate more to a fave character than you ever actually consciously realized, lmao.

So I was just having a remote therapy session, and we were focusing on just some mental pain management techniques since my stupid metabolism makes most pain meds largely useless and my head has been waging all out warfare on me for the past week and a half, lololol. And we were delving into one of my personal fave rants, which is the fact that so many people - including vaunted medical professionals - just fundamentally don’t seem to get that having a high pain tolerance does not mean you don’t like, FEEL pain unless its really a lot or intense. Its just that you’re hard-wired/trained/geared via stuff like an abusive childhood, lol, to not SHOW or DISPLAY any visible or audible pain cues unless the pain reaches a certain high threshold where its impossible to hold them back.

But particularly over the past four or five years, with my ongoing medical shit, its super obnoxious trying to get your doctors to display a sense of urgency about your condition because they’re just fundamentally not grasping the degree of chronic pain you’re dealing with every day, since, y’know....I can literally be sitting there in the doctor’s chair and conversationally talking about the fact that no, I definitely am currently feeling like, an eight or nine out of ten on the pain scale, please don’t be confused by the fact that I’m literally LOLing as I describe this to you rather than gasping and moaning in a more obvious indication of it.

Its like, I’m not TRYING to undersell it or anything, its just, when you grow up since the time you’re like five or six years old, knowing damn well that the only appropriate response to someone asking ‘oh am I hurting you’ that won’t earn you MORE pain is a completely casual or cavalier sounding ‘nope, I’m fine, all good here, no problems.’......like, at a certain point in your development, that becomes pretty hard-wired in, like, you can’t shake it just because you consciously WANT to. (Though it is one of the things I’m trying to unlearn and ‘rewire’ in therapy now, via EMDR techniques aimed at like, literally reprogramming my nervous system and how I react to various stimuli. Its.....slow progress, lmao, but I mean there is some progress so its all good).

But point being, when you’re a physically abused kid and your physical abuser doesn’t want to believe or accept that they’re hurting you, and so they tended to just get angrier and MORE dangerous if they thought you were indicating or even just ‘implying’ that they were in fact hurting you.....you get pretty damn good at not showing even the slightest hint of pain or distress unless its literally a level you’ve never experienced before and thus have no practical experience in hiding or distracting yourself from.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t FEEL every bit of it. It doesn’t mean you’ve found a magical off-switch that means you can just mind-over-body yourself from acknowledging or being aware that you are in fact in a shit ton of pain. You just.....have learned the importance of masking it, and found ways to do that by necessity.

Except, even much later in life when you are in a safe place or more control of your situations or surroundings, there’s no easy way to just....stop putting that mask on by default, the second you’re experiencing any type of pain. And so even when dealing with medical professionals, too many of them just don’t GET that their vaunted ‘tell me how much pain you’re in from one to ten’ scale isn’t really the be-all and end-all of pain measurement, because its subjective and arbitrary as HELLLLLLLLL.....and one of the defining parameters for what that pain scale looks like and feels like for YOU, is....your personal history with pain and how you’re ‘comfortable’ displaying evidence of it. (And I know there’s a ton of people and even groups of people who can relate to this for entirely different reasons, I just can only speak to my own of course).

But its definitely frustrating and invalidating as hell to be in more pain than many people ever experience in their lives, and TRYING to convey that as openly and honestly as you can.....and literally being able to SEE the doubt and dismissal in doctors’ eyes, because all they’re seeing is the visual cues you’re putting out there and which they equate to ‘can’t possibly be in THAT much pain, not if he’s acting this casual about it’.....

And so the frustrating irony is that you end up dismissed as like, a pain ‘lightweight’ who is complaining about an apparent degree of pain that’s barely anything in their ‘professional’ estimation. And thus they’re disinclined to take your requests for heavier or more effective pain medication seriously, or not impressed by your attempts to imbue a greater sense of urgency in their approach to your treatment plan or procedures, etc......when in reality, the only reason you’re showing those cues of not being in that much pain is because you’re MORE used to and familiar with even extremely high degrees of pain than anything a lot of them are accustomed to.

Its invalidating as hell, being treated as though you have no idea what you’re talking about when you say “I am actually in a shit ton of active, ongoing pain, hey thanks, can we maybe do something about this,” when actually, the disconnect comes from you having MORE experience with MORE pain than some of them can even fathom. You just....also have more experience with reasons not to SHOW that pain, if its at all avoidable to any degree whatsoever.

THAT’S what high pain tolerance actually means, and the sheer volume of medical professionals who just flat out don’t get this, or worse, just don’t care or are too proud to reassess their viewpoints on this matter if that carries the implication they don’t actually know as much as they think they do......god, it grates.

(Once, when I was around twenty-three or twenty-four I think, I got caught up in the periphery of a bar fight that resulted in me getting a shard of glass embedded in the back of my forearm. Still have a pretty sizable scar from it. And it absolutely hurt like fuck, but I was conscious as paramedics arrived on scene and when going to the hospital to have it removed and stitched up, and like......kinda cracking jokes about it the whole time because I was uncomfortable as hell and didn’t really know what else to do or how to react, y’know? I mean, I had a few inches of glasses jutting out from the top of my forearm, lol, what the hell are you supposed to do or say about that? There’s not really a protocol, lmao. Problem was, they took one look at me sitting there with this spear of glass sticking out of my arm and making dumb jokes about it like it was no big deal......and they decided this meant I was in shock and kept trying to treat me accordingly. And it was just like.....useless, because lol no I wasn’t in shock, I had none of the physical symptoms of being in shock and benefited from none of their assumptions that I was.....I was just a dude with a shard of glass in his arm that hurt like fuck and I really wanted it out as soon as possible, and I was in full awareness of what had happened and everything I was feeling, I just didn’t know how to convey this in a way that they would believe, because I couldn’t come up with anything to say or do other than laugh about how fucking surreal the whole situation was.)

Anyway, so circling back to the point, or as much of one as I ever have, so today I was just learning and practicing various mental pain management/coping techniques with my therapist and discussing my issues with doctors and the High Pain Tolerance Quandary. Basically like, I would really truly like to know or learn how to display the ‘expected’ physical and visual/audio cues for being a person who is experiencing a ‘4′ on the pain scale, versus a person who is experiencing a ‘7′ or a ‘10′.....so they can stop fucking treating me like I’m only at a 4 when I’m actually at an 8 or 9, just because I look and sound like a person who really is only at a 4 no matter what they actually CLAIM to be feeling.

Course, easier said than done.

But yeah, so as she was coaching me through various techniques and surveying what I was doing with my body and facial expressions and cues, etc, she pointed out something that I had literally never noticed about myself before, even though once she DID point it out I could recognize that its something I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember, well back before I was ten and no doubt stemming from smack dab in the midst of the worst of my childhood abuse.

So, y’know on Teen Wolf, how Scott and Liam and various others are at times shown digging their claws into their palms and drawing blood to ground themselves with the pain? (And ironically, how I was just talking the other week about photo doubling for a similar such scene with gashes in the character’s palms, lmfao). Well, obviously I don’t have claws, and part of why I’d never really paid much attention to when I was doing it is because even my therapist wasn’t comfortable classifying it as a kind of self-harm or anywhere near punitive enough to carry that kind of weight or associations.....

But like, I’ve always kept my fingernails fairly trimmed but not completely. Like, just enough of an edge to them that at times, particularly when I’m in physical pain or distress already, I’ll just like....dig my fingernails into the pad of other fingertips, and use that little familiar spike of pain to not ground myself but rather distract myself from whatever else I was feeling. Like, she wasn’t comfortable calling it a self-punitive technique because as we got into it, it was clear I was never doing it to CAUSE myself pain....rather, its something I only do when I’m already in pain, usually far more pain than anything that brings up.....but by deliberately doing that and creating a focal awareness around it, even just a largely subconscious one......I’ve apparently long been using that to hook my attention up to a very specific, very manageable sensation/focal point of pain that lets me and my ADHD brain relegate whatever other pain I’m feeling (even if its much much worse) to the back of my mind for at least a little while, as I distract myself by focusing on this more obvious and consciously directed bit of lesser pain.

And a big part of why I probably never noticed I was doing this, we eventually concluded, is because as a kid I probably came up with it as a kind of survival technique specifically BECAUSE it was something I could do to distract myself/manage my pain covertly, without drawing my abuser’s attention to what I was doing either. And by extension, without the fact that I was doing it at all 'betraying’ that I was in pain or trying to manage or cope with painful sensations in the first place. A lot of other pain management techniques, like even just deep, deliberate breaths, tend to be a lot more obvious and noticeable, and thus would have been counter-productive for my specific purposes. No matter how much they helped me manage whatever physical pain I was feeling, they would have at the same time inevitably drawn attention to the fact that I was trying to do that at all in the first place....and thus only invite more pain.

Merely digging my fingernails into my fingertip pads, not enough to draw blood or make me cry out or anything like that, but rather just to distract myself and deliberately focus me on a source of pain I could deal with and more easily handle, as well as being ‘low in intensity’ enough that focusing on it didn’t bring any other obvious visual or audio pain cues to the forefront.....that I could do without anyone noticing. And thus this is likely why it came to be my go-to move whenever I was in any kind of pain at all, as just a quick and easy way to wrap my head around my physical sensations and shift focus to something more easily dealt with or managed (even if it didn’t actually dismiss or get rid of whatever other pain I’m feeling entirely). And just the low-key nature of it in general likely being a big part of why it became such an unconscious instinct for me until now, something that barely even registered in my conscious mind as I built up/hard-wired instinctive responses that incorporated it without me having to consciously direct myself to do that.

I mean, its still obviously not an ideal response, especially when I’m long past being stuck in any kind of external situations or need to fall back on that and the covert nature of it. So now its another of those things to just be aware of and work on rewiring on an instinctive level, making it a priority for me to focus on consciously using more helpful and positive methods of pain management.

But it was just interesting to me to have it pointed out as something I’ve been doing all this time, let alone being as unaware of doing it as I’ve apparently been. And its not hard to draw obvious parallels to when characters in media I consume do similar things even if for not quite the same reasons or in quite the same ways. So now I’m just kinda contemplating that and wondering how much even just some degree of unconscious awareness that I do that might have made me more alert to when characters or other people do similar things. Made me more attuned to noticing or even fixating on moments when they do things like that, that I related to even on an entirely subconscious level.

*Shrugs* Anyway, that’s all, like, literally not going anywhere with this, was just unwinding and felt like mapping my way through that all contemplatively, because oh no, inexplicable strangeness, therapy puts me in particularly contemplative headspaces, whodathunkit, lmfao. *Shrugs* Just struck me as particularly interesting, so felt like sharing for anyone else who can relate/see similar parallels themselves.

Or just chalk it up to random anecdotal wtf-ery from your friendly (err, mostly. okay sometimes. FINE ideally, let’s go with that) neighborhood over-sharer.

#that last bit is just to head off the usual 'friendly concerned advice giving anons' I tend to get after posts like these #plz stop doing that #i know i over-share its not a secret and I do it with full knowledge and intent because I feel like it #it suits my purposes #my purposes do not have to be your purposes nor do they require your approval #if it makes you uncomfortable thats where the beauty of tumblr being a largely opt-in experience comes from #there's the door #i can understand the confusion - its not actually a big blinking EXIT sign but rather an 'unfollow' button #its really that simple lmfao stop being so concerned with what Im doing particularly in posts where Im not even interacting with anyone #and for the love of god please stop assuming that everyone on tumblr is TRYING to post from a state of being on #an emotional plateau of zen #nah - some of us literally use the medium to vent and unpack stuff we dont have a ton of room to vent about or unpack in our offline lives #and like the relative(ish) anonymous nature of it combined with the potential for at least some kind of validation via #like-minded or experiencing individuals in a pseudo-communal setting #our purpose/usage does not need to be yours and it does not require your condoning #and I would just like to suggest that maybe people who put a ton of emphasis on telling others (like survivors) to do a better job of #curating what content they experience/are exposed to online #might be well served to put a little more focus on curating what content YOU experience if you find yourself uncomfortable with particular #posting habits #there's a bajillion other people out there to follow #you dont need to be here if you dont actually want to be or arent actually comfortable being here #BUT I DIGRESS

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iberico-long-pork · 4 years

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Hannibal role reversal au + serial killer Will au picks

Sleeping in the knife drawer - emungere Rating: T, Wordcount: 2.9K Tags: Role Reversal AU, Agent Lecter, Doctor Graham, Serial killer Will Plot: Hannibal is sent by Jack to recruit Will as an advisor. It takes persuading. Sample:

“You don’t use the space,” he said.

“I don’t use most of the house. How much space does one person really need?”

“Usually one’s life expands to fill the space that contains it. Unto overflowing, in some cases.”

Will walked to the window and cleared away a mass of cobwebs with his hand.

“I’ve expanded as much as I’m likely to,” he said.

“You’ve contracted. Away from your practice in the city. Alone out here. Alana said she was the only person whom you see regularly.”

“Most people don’t like me.” Will grinned, sharp-edged and bright as a knife blade. “No idea why.”

“Do you offer to show all of them your attic?”

“No. Maybe you’re just special.”

// Spectacular dialogue, light read

Watch Your Back (There’s a New Killer in Town) - OneWhoSitsWithTurtles Rating: E, Wordcount: 73.8K Tags: Role Reversal AU, Agent Lecter, Doctor Graham, Serial killer Will, sub Hannibal, Dom Will Warnings: Exhibitionism, Knife play Sex: Versatile, mostly dom Will sub Hannibal Plot: Hannibal is sent for a psyche eval to Doctor Graham. Will decides to court him. And teach him that killing is okay. Sample: "Hannibal," Will spoke softly, drawing Hannibal's gaze back to him. Hannibal watched him as Will took a carving knife and cut a small slice of the roast off the end. Will speared the seasoned meat onto a fork and presented it to Hannibal, who balked.

"What do you fear?"

Hannibal swallowed, eyes flickering between Will's face and the meat.

"That I'll like it."

Will held the fork aside and cupped the back of Hannibal's neck with his other hand, bringing him in for a kiss. Hannibal kissed him back but his uncertainty soured the brush of their lips and Will asked, "What else?"

Hannibal looked away but Will turned his face forward again with a hinting touch to his jaw. Hannibal swallowed.

"That if I don't, you won't want me anymore."

// Amazing dom/sub relationship, good writing, good pace

Coping Mechanism - Cinnamaldeide Rating: T Wordcout: 1K Tags: Role Reversal AU, Agent Lecter (past as doctor), Doctor Graham (past as officer), Serial Killer Will Plot: Before their scheduled appointment, Special Agent Lecter and Doctor Graham share a cigarette and some friendly considerations. Sample:

He admitted his own addiction when he noticed he had a favourite brand. An indulgence Hannibal found soothing after having pursued dangerous murderers and sensitive psychopaths. Certainly not as satisfying after an amorous encounter, as was often believed. He had taken to smoke before his appointments with his psychiatrists instead, which shouldn’t have been such an easy association.

“I thought doctors were supposed to know better,” a voice distracted Hannibal from his long inhales, fume rising above his head in a slow, languorous ascent. “Don’t you know how it tarnishes your lungs?” his therapist needled, arms crossed on his chest and shoulder loosely resting on the wall. Their appointment was scheduled in a few minutes, but Mr. Graham was an observant man, knew where to find him. Knew aiming at Hannibal’s pride often proved effective.

“You know doctors are notorious for not following their own advices,” Hannibal answered, puffing a fine line of grey, volatile smoke away from him. “It prepares me for our encounters,” he offered, curious to see how Dr. Graham would process that information.

// Pleasantly slow and casually sensual. Like a breather scene in a movie.

Identically Different AU - Pragnificent Rating: E Wordcout: 243K Tags: Role Reversal AU, Agent Lecter, Doctor Graham, Serial Killer Will Warnings: Past child sexual abuse, Trauma Sex: Versatile Plot: Doctor Graham plans to influence his new fascinating not-really-patient, Agent Lecter. When Will befriends the prickly agent and invites him to dinner, he doesn’t expect him to recognise the taste of the meat he served. And that’s only the beginning. Sample:

“I’ve seen setups like this before,” Hannibal says, his mouth feeling as though it has been stuffed with cotton, “though this is the first one with feather pillows.”

“Your comfort is important to me, Hannibal.”

Hannibal doesn’t justify that with a response.

He looks around the basement. A half-empty bottle of bourbon and two snifter glasses sit on the small table next to Will. On the other end of the basement, metal tools hang from a pegboard on the wall, gleaming dangerously, and in the corner there is a large stainless steel work table with two meat hooks hanging near it.

Hannibal works on accepting what all of this means without letting it frighten him. He tries to draw on the colder version of himself, the one that kept his feelings on lockdown and didn’t worry about Will or Will’s approval.

“I meant to take things much more slowly,” Will says, and it’s hard to know if he should credit the note of apology in his voice. “But I wasn’t expecting dinner to be the thing to give me away. Hannibal, there’s something important that you haven’t been sharing in your sessions, isn’t there?”

// HEED WARNINGS (It’s not properly listed in the fic tags). Fascinating but dangerous series. Long fic.

sweet awakening - Romennium Rating: T Wordcout: 612 Tags: Role Reversal AU, Doctor Lecter, Serial Killer Will Plot: Hannibal has been getting too close to catching the prolific serial killer. Will decides to visit him in the middle of the night. Sample:

Hannibal woke up abruptly, heart in his throat. His poor organ doubled his pace in the moment his not-yet awake brain realized that his body couldn’t move. Someone was sitting astride him, completely blocking his chest and his arms.

Hannibal moved, trying to dislodge the body above him, but his attempt didn’t do anything but make the weight of the intruder press into him even more and the hand shutting his mouth moved to partially close his nose as well.

In a millisecond the air to his lungs diminished drastically and panic grew, making him believe he was suffocating. A rational part of him, but completely overwhelmed by fear, told him he wasn’t suffocating, but his lungs seemed to burn and the air, there was no air and his sight-

“Sh, sh, Doctor Lecter,” a calm and reassuring voice whispered into his ear, “calm down, Doctor.”

The hand moved away from his nose and Hannibal tried to take a deep breath.

“Yes, Doctor, that’s good, breathe, everything is okay,”

// Very short and spicy. Snack fic.

Raw Material - RubyBakeneko Rating: E, Wordcount: 3K Tags: Role Reversal AU, Doctor Lecter, Agent Graham, Serial killer Will Sex: Top Will, Bottom Antony Dimmond Plot: Betrayed by his psychiatrist, serial killer Will Graham escapes to Italy. There, he reflects on the nature of his relationship with Hannibal, and he meets someone who provides him with an opportunity to work through some of his issues. Sample:

Will misses him terribly and without respite, the weight of his heartache a miserable fury that makes him feel ill. He imagines they are together in bed, that he is pressed up against the heat of Hannibal’s back with a possessive arm draped around his shoulder. He dominates Will’s dreams, which are by turn so luridly explicit that he comes in his sleep and so painfully romantic that he wakes in tears.

Hannibal has survived Will, the way few have done before him. He might arrive in Italy any day now, to kill Will or to kiss him. His heart races at the thought of either.

He silently dares Hannibal to find him. I’m here. Come and get me. // Poor Antony, I hoestly really love that character. Light read

+++ ( ‘Hannibal is Hannibal’ fics)

Wolfman - Cadaverish Rating: E, Wordcount: 38K Tags: Canon Divergence, Serial killer Will, Serial killer Hannibal Sex: versatile Plot: The Biloxi Wolfman has a crush on The Chesapeake Ripper. Hannibal doesn’t know that. But he does have an interest in Will Graham. (In which Hannibal wastes time trying to bring Will to the dark side when Will already has lower moral standards than Hannibal) Sample:

Gideon has paused obligingly to peer out the window set into the front door, likely checking for police sirens or curious neighbors, but all it really accomplishes is giving Will the chance to take several long strides, closing the distance between himself and Gideon. He allows his last step to connect loudly with the hardwood floor and Gideon starts, turning around to look at him.

“Special Agent Graham,” he drawls and Will gives him a grin that has nothing human behind it.

// Tfw Hannibal actually has higher moral standards than Will OvO

Astronomical odds - xzombiexkittenx Rating: M, Wordcount: 2.5K Tags: Pre-Season AU, Serial killer Will, Serial killer Hannibal Sex: Mutual handjob Plot: Based on the joke: ‘ Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, “Thanks! how do you know I’m not a serial killer though?” I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.” ‘ Sample:

There’s a knife strapped to his ankle, a loaded gun in his bag, and he’s not above using his teeth if he has to. He also has mace. He met a nice butch lesbian truck driver who picked him up off Interstate 20, drove him as far as Abilene, bought him dinner, and insisted on giving him her mace. She’d been so worried about him and his ‘pretty face.’”

“Honey,” she’d said, over burgers and shitty diner coffee, “girls like you find trouble without even looking. Take it for my peace of mind.”

He’d realized she thought he was a sex worker. Will hadn’t tried to change her opinion of him. No one was looking for a serial truck stop male prostitute. He’d run that angle for a while, down in Louisiana, but it was too much trouble. The clothing was hard to hunt in, and he didn’t like men pawing at him while he got them to the secondary location.

He wonders if Hannibal thinks he’s a sex worker. Hannibal has nicely manicured nails, strong-looking hands, and fantastic arms. Will’s not sure he’d complain if Hannibal made a move on him. He hasn’t decided if he wants to kill Hannibal or not but on balance he also hasn’t decided if he wants to try for a roadside quickie or not.

// Honestly hilarious. They make inside jokes thinking the other’s not getting it, and run into each other at a body dumping site. Light fun read.

#hannigram #hannibal #ficrec #iberico's picks

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surflove808 · 5 years

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On Destiel and endgame hysteria

Sometimes I get fired up about some of the BS I see in this fandom and this is one of those moments. This post will be a layercake of sentimentality, disappointment, anger and maybe a wee bit (a lot) of profanity. So, you know. Back on my bullshit.

The show that we love, love to hate or hate to love, for better or worse, will see it's final curtain call at the S15 finale. You don't need me to tell you how impactful it's been and how much it means to so many people for a variety of reasons that extend well beyond it's entertainment value. All it takes is one scroll through social media to get a sampling of the reach of this little-show-that-could and by extension (and because of) it's cast, to see that it's beloved by so many. And it deserves the praise, and the end deserves to be lamented - but like TFW has said over and over, and to paraphrase Frank Sinatra, they're doing it their way. For that? I'm happy.

The show has been described as a "juggernaut" and an "institution", and it is. We all know the themes: Finding *your* family, struggle, perseverance, dedication, making mistakes and not always learning from them (but trying), acceptance, the beauty in humanity even when all hope seems lost, redemption, and love... to name the big ones. Now about Love. "Love" is not threatening to burn down houses if your ship isn't made canon. "Acceptance" isn't threatening the cast, crew, producers and network with lawsuits if your ship isn't made endgame. I saw a few posts like that today that had a very disappointing number of likes and reblogs and I'm kinda furious, to be honest. You fucking twits.

As someone who enjoys the show, and respects the determination, sacrifice, hard work, creativity, and yes - Love - that has been poured into this endeavor, I don't think I'm alone when I say - JUST. STOP. You whining, tantrum throwing, self-important, "wouldn't catch a social cue if it had a $100 bill attached to it and was tossed to you from 3 feet away", obnoxious, divisive children.

Accept what the cast, the writers and Eric Freaking Kripke have told you? No... can't do that. Must hop from one lily pad of delusion to the next and have the gall to be self righteous about it. And then pat yourselves on the back for being alternately clever, threatening and obtuse. You're like the Donald Trumps of the SPN fandom. You're not disliked because of your ship. You're disliked because of your personalities. Let that sink in. No one is marginalizing you. You chose to do this to yourselves AND your beloved ship via your words and actions. You sunk your own battleship and now you’re pissed.

I don't affiliate myself with any ship or the other factions of this fandom.... I don't get it. I'm just a fan. A fan of the story, the acting, the tragedy, the comedy, the characters and the character of the actors involved. I don't know what a good "fan" is... don't care. But I know what a bad one is. A bad one thinks that they can take ownership of someone else's art just because they've "invested" in it.

And I apply it to my own life in this way - Here I am doing my thing, putting my creativity out into the world... and what I create matters to me. Every little bit. I throw myself into the things I'm passionate about. And not everyone is going to be thrilled with what I produce. Some people will never see what I put out there, but word travels fast when you genuinely care about your craft. I do what I do because it drives me, and always has. And I do my best to stay true to MY story. And the thought of someone trying to insert themselves into my story because they think they know my creations better than I do, makes me want to punch throats.

And the thought of a group of people actually threatening me and the people I collaborate with because I'm not making their fantasy a reality?? Hey - get fucked sideways without lube, and throw some sand in there for extra discomfort.

I want you (and you know who you are) to have some accountability. Please tell me in what scenario is your behavior warranted or appropriate. Feel free to DM me. I won't "out" you, and I'll never be abusive - I just need to know why. (bullet pointing this because... reading comprehension)

1. WHY is Destiel is the only representation you'll accept.

2. WHY do you think it's funny or "OK" to harass the creatives on this show constantly when you have absolutely no right to their story?

3. WHY do you think that pushing something so hard will get you what you want?

4, And lastly.... WHY is this so important to you?

Can you possibly survive if Destiel isn't made canon? Do you have other hobbies and interests that can fill your time? Because some of ya'll are acting like this is the Be All End All of your existence and I'm here to tell you - it's really not. If it DOES happen, it will be at the discretion of the showrunner and creatives, and I promise you it won’t be because they caved to the small, yet omnipresent faction of Destiehellers that have annoyed the ever-living fuck out of everyone attached to this show. It’ll be on their terms.

The tantrum strategy stops working after age 4, usually....it just seems some of you are late getting the memo. Thanks to your folks. Well done.

Try to appreciate the show for what it is and always has been. If your expectations are unreasonable and are buoyed by years of manips, misquotes and over-analyzation of brief "moments" between ANY characters, and you feel emotional enough about it to behave badly - it's time for a factory reset. This show has never mislead you - you’ve bought into delusion and over-analysis and straight-up fiction pimped to you by fellow “fans” probably before you even watched your first episode. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve seen. And I’ve seen some shit.

If you’re going to be angry... be angry at your friendly neighborhood Destiel dealer. They chumped you to get more *buy* for their *supply*. Them’s the facts.

That being said.... Can We Just Appreciate The Final Moments That This Amazing Cast And Crew Are Going To Give Us (and you know they will), And Let It The Fuck GO?

You're welcome to block me (you probably should). But before you do that, could you let this sink in a bit? And if you see a fellow shipper being an entitled douche - maybe hold yourself to a higher standard than they do themselves and don't perpetuate it/like/reblog it? Because this behavior is well and truly a shitty way to treat the legacy of this groundbreaking show, and all those that are responsible for bringing it to life.

In other words....Behave. And have some goddamn dignity.

I’m not sure if I’m doing this right, but my response was so long. Eh...whatever. @jessiegail I understand, and please allow me to elaborate. When I was scrolling through the Jensen tags (because the Dean and SPN tags have been overrun by a lot of people with zero respect for the character/show canon, so I stay away anymore. That in and of itself should tell you something)... I was also sharing in the moment, and the news and wanted to see some SPN love and positivity. What I ran into almost immediately was, and I quote: "If they don't make destiel cannon (sic) for the series finale, I'll set their houses on fire. You've been warned." 87 people agreed with @moosewncstr on this sentiment. Now... if it was one shitty person and people steered clear of any affiliation with them for threatening arson because they're completely off their fucking rocker.... that would be easy to ignore. But 87 people?? That’s really, really bad. What I'm seeing and have been seeing, is a hive-mind mentality that doesn't care for acceptance. Doesn't care if it’s abusive. Doesn't care if someone gets their “feelings” hurt. And they absolutely Do Not Care if what they say incites the potential reality of violence, as long as they can force their ship down the throats of as many people as possible and Make It Canon.

And by hive-mind, I mean - NO ONE in the Destiel camp seems to have the degree of autonomy (AKA: Balls) required to rein in the bad apples in their bunch. They either agree or stay silent. So, because you can’t self-regulate, people like me with no concern or desire for your approval have to come in and tell you to knock your shit off. You won’t. But I feel better. And maybe others will feel more comfortable to express their disapproval when shit like this rears its ugly head. Anyone who would think threats (just a joke...hahaha), are acceptable, and those who are in agreement can suck it. And i will not roll over and sing kumbaya with anyone who thinks this is ok. I'm generally careful with the headers and lead-in paragraphs to posts that are potentially inflammatory. A courtesy that is not extended by your brethren. You had ample warning that this post would not be kind to asshole shippers. I don’t think you are one of those people - but, if you’re defending this behavior, I can’t really empathize with you. I also don’t want you to feel targeted. This isn’t about YOU. This is about endemic behavior that has become so toxic, it pretty much can’t be undone. As for paying anything forward, I do not owe people who act like this the time of day, much less a kind word. I have 2 choices: I can stand by and pretend I don't see these things and block, block, block so that I can stay in my bubble. Or, I can take my own little stand on my own little blog and address genuinely disturbing behavior using language of my choice. What I will never do is threaten or abuse any individuals who question my logic. Downside is... you'll get a very long winded explanation. Go, be happy. Enjoy your ship. No one is telling you not to. I'm telling you right now, though - I can't and won't tolerate the bad apples. Best to block me if you're sensitive to the way I word my posts, but understand - I'm not promoting hate or abusive behavior - I'm fighting it. And I will continue to do so as long as I'm on this dumpster fire of a website, because I love this show and I believe all of the creative's, crew and fans deserve some fucking respect.

#SPN Family #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #castiel #Destiel #destiehellers #supernatural #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #misha collins

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blxckdamask · 5 years

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Trashcan’s Fic Rec: July ‘19

i know this is really late but i was busy so i couldnt really get this done. an yway,,, yall know the drill by now,, this has a bunch of bnha (mostly bkdk) and some rairpairs aswell as some drarry, odaat and b99.

BNHA Fics:

{bakudeku}

When Izuku's insecurities about his scarred body hit him full throttle, Katsuki is there to show Izuku just how beautiful scars can be.

Katsuki's reflection above the sink stared back. Eyes still drowsy with a hint of a shadow beneath them. Hair more of a mess than he would prefer, but he was plenty awake now.

All because of Deku.

Katsuki reflects at 4 am.

Pride has always had a special place in Midoriya Izuku's heart.

"I trusted you and you had me murdered!” Midoriya wailed, anguished. Bakugou twitched focusing on the spell that made him capture Midoriya's soul.

“Shut up! You got yourself killed!”

“I didn't! You said you had my back and I thought you had it! But you didn't! Kacchan! My body!” Midoriya cried as he watched Bakugou lug his limp body through the forest.

This is what happens when Bakugou tries to become best friends with Midoriya again.

Katsuki doesn't know what's wrong with Izuku. Is he mad? What is he mad about? What did Katsuki do!? All he knows is that he can't let Izuku break up with him. Not while they're still keeping their relationship a secret.

Izuku forces Katsuki to apologize for everything he's ever done to hurt him.

Bakugou and Midoriya have been best friends since... well, since either of them could remember. But both harbor unspoken feelings for the other, will this be an end to their friendship?

Izuku, a dog hybrid, has lived with his owner Toshinori, a retired hybrid psychologist, his whole life. He takes on some of the shelter’s most difficult cases as fosters, and so Izuku has learned to be the best foster-mate possible for scared and abused hybrids. At first, Katsuki, a cat hybrid who’s been kept in a tiny apartment nearly his whole life, seems just like any of the other awful cases they’ve seen, but somehow, Izuku and him grow a lot closer than usual over the course of his stay. Eventually, the question becomes: could he stay forever?

“Izuku knows what the Hanahaki does. He knows what his options are, and sure, they aren’t great. In fact, they’re pretty horrible. The list is short and daunting. There are still flower petals on his pillow."

In which Izuku has Hanahaki Disease, and Katsuki's furious.

And you're crushing on him, and he's just so cute, and the baby's cute, and what's a guy to do, anyway?

Ever since they were little, Izuku and Katsuki’s families have had family dinners. It’s just them and their parents, and that’s fine. Until more people get dragged in. (And try to set Izuku and Katsuki up.)

for twinstars week day four - family

{todobaku}

It started from a normal evening to a small argument that made them go on vacation that made Katsuki realize that he wanted something more from Shouto.

Bakugou, Denki, Midoriya, Momo and Todoroki all end up in a McDonald's one early morning. A suggestion of a movie and a credit card reveal later and the teens are off to spend the day together.

They all know that it's Todoroki's father's credit card, but none of them care.

Bakugo and Todoroki both find themselves living together with disabilities, helping each other get by. In doing so, they fall in love.

{rairpairs & other ships}

“You haven’t changed at all, have ya?” he observed, pinching her cheek affectionately.

Ochako batted his hand away from her cheeks for the second time that morning, wondering if he had a thing for them. “That doesn’t even make any sense, Bakugou. I’m from the past. Of course I haven’t changed.”

“Makes perfect sense,” Bakugou countered, closing his teeth around a bite of eggs. “You were doing this same shit yesterday morning.”

My entry for the day 2 prompt of Kacchako week: otherworldly.

Bakugou watches with something akin to affection when Shinsou starts playing with his dog until she jumps all around him and is barking excitedly. He has never seen the both of them so content before. The Sergeant is always so concentrated at College grounds, either that or she’s calm but still looking out for him. Bakugou has seen them during lectures, at lunch at their usual table, during their ways to Bakugou’s dorm and to Shinsou’s apartment off campus, he has seen them through their late-night-skyping sessions and in countless pictures on Sergeant Barkowitz’ Instagram. He has seen their best but not their worst, and that makes Bakugou wonder if he’ll ever be such a great companion to Shinsou like the Sergeant is.

"Shouta could have never imagined reaching this point in his life. He honestly expected to die at some point when he was younger, alone somewhere in an alleyway, killed in action during his hero work maybe."

Instead he's in a warm hospital bed and surrounded by some of the people he cares most about.

Shinsou Hitoshi had never had a family before, and he refuses to screw it up. But when a villain attacks him and his new little sister, he may have lost the only family he's ever had.

Bakugou never wanted to be mated. Especially not to a villain but it didn't look like he had any choice in the matter. The only question now was: will he ever escape?

OR,

The author loves Bakugou and loves to make him suffer so Dabi kidnaps him and forces our favourite blasty boy to become his mate. It goes from bad to good to bad and back to good.

While working together as pro heroes, Iida, Bakugou and Todoroki are taken captive. The situation is strange: none of their Quirks work, and they aren’t tortured or killed – in fact, they never see their captors. There is nothing to do but wait.

Things are tense between the three of them, but Iida finds the situation bringing him closer to Bakugou than he thought possible. But who knows how this will change things between when they get out…

Quirk: Infatuation - The user of this quirk affects two people by touching them at the same time, they then fall into a state of infatuation with each other; they could be affected by this for up to a week.

Iida and Bakugou get affected by an infatuation quirk that makes them be sweet to each other. So sweet, that it could give you cavities. Warning: This story will contain an excessive amount of pet names, hence the title.

Other Fandoms Fics:

Recently married, Harry and Draco are tasked with raising a four-year old Teddy, whose emerging gender identity brings up an array of questions, fears, and revelations for them when they realise that Teddy might be transgender.

When Draco learns he's pregnant again, he blames his husband. Harry, however, couldn't be happier.

Jake dated two guys in college, but doesn't realise until he introduces one of them to Amy.

The family learns a secret about Schneider

alex said the far scarier sentence that at the same time was more comforting than anything the teenager had ever heard before. “she,” alex mumbled under his- no, her- breath, voice beginning to choke up, “was sitting on her bed, in her room. her,” he- she, she- sighed and spoke just a little louder, just a little surer. “her name is alex, and she’s a girl.” alex smiled to herself, so small it was probably barely considered one. she didn’t care; she finally felt whole.

or: in another world, elena isn't the only alvarez daughter (but it takes alex some time to figure that out)

#monthly fic rec #fic rec #bnha #bkdk #tdbk #kacchako #bakushin #bakuiida #bakudabi #erasermic #Harry Potter #drarry #odaat #b99 #peraltiago

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ghostmartyr · 5 years

Text

SnK 116 Thoughts

tfw all of Yelena’s problems can be solved with murder.

So another chapter, another month of having zero clue how any of this could possibly be fixed. You’ve got Marley, you’ve got Paradis, you’ve got unhappy Eldians on both sides, you’ve got a century of brain washing going without an answer, you’ve...

Ugh.

Let’s just... let’s do this by character, I guess?

Pieck gets first billing as Best Girl.

Wants her father to have a bright future.

Holds Gabi’s hand.

good, pure

Knows Marley’s fucked up.

Knows Zeke’s fucked up.

Does not approve of Falco’s underage drinking.

Probably should have just shot Eren.

Wants happy Eldians.

Trusts her comrades.

Eren.

Make everyone in the world angry.

Especially his friends.

If they aren’t angry enough, try harder.

If anger isn’t an option, despair is good too.

Do punch them in the face once optimal anger achieved.

Do not trust literally anyone.

Do not use Gabi’s name.

ever

her name’s brat now

Do get along with cult.

Do search for brother.

Do lock up all best friends in the world so that in the event of an airstrike they’re all extraordinarily screwed.

Profit.

(Eren, until further plot developments explain what is going on in that head of yours, your plans are stupid.)

Yelena:

“You would all be much happier if you just accepted that the world would be better off without your bloodline and helped out with us eradicating it.”

“Also I have found God and he’s a baseball furry and his little brother.”

Zeke:

Thinks everyone should die.

just everyone

him too

a lot

To which Paradis has responded:

CAPTAIN ELDIA: CIVIL WAR

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Further alcoholism can’t make this worse.

“How could we have known that putting all of our eggs in the basket of this woman who keeps shooting bad eggs with her boss who makes a habit of throwing eggs would end badly?”

What I keep coming back to, and keep not having a good answer for, is why in the fuck is this all such a mess? I have made Code Geass and Madoka comments largely in jest, but considering how reckless Eren is being with his public face and international politics, it starts to feel either intentional or careless.

None of his friends are backing him at the moment, barring Jean’s confusion. He’s broken Mikasa’s heart, and Armin and Connie’s trust.

He’s nominally allied with the Yeagerists, but he’s gone to zero effort to be friendly with them. He goes along with Floch’s ticking clock of a schedule, but since leaving his jail cell, he’s been very clear that his only allegiance is to his aim of finding Zeke.

Yelena offers up the rumbling as a way to continue to defend the island before all the Eldians expire, but Eren and Zeke have made the entire world remember the terror of titans. If they ever were willing to forget that one little island, no one is anymore.

Zeke himself believes that the forces of the rest of the world will be at their doorstep soon. Marley’s come first, but the world Yelena describes, where the rumbling deters all further violence against Eldians while their lives slowly end, is a fantasy. There are too many angry voices inside and outside the walls now. One dominant display of force is going to convince the world to leave Paradis alone?

The last time everyone chose to forget Paradis, Paradis came to them and murdered people indiscriminately.

Sure, no more children will be born to become titans.

Eventually.

In the meantime... at absolute best, the Eldians inside the walls go back to being unable to leave the safety of the walls. The titans continue to keep the rest of the world out, and them in.

Only now everyone inside the walls knows that there’s a world outside.

It is much easier to keep people contained when they think they have nowhere to go. Lock all of Paradis back behind their walls, and they’ll eat each other. We already see the Yeagerists. That’s just one group of angry people. With Zeke’s spinal fluid being used to manipulate their entire military, there’s the obvious proof that their government is perfectly fallible.

Paradis has spent years trying to spread out of their box.

The rumbling, at best, crams them back in it until they all die, only opening when every last one of them is gone.

Thanks for being the voice of reason, Jean.

Not to mention that the rumbling itself hinges on the continued consent of the royal line, and a future Founding Titan and royal heir not deciding that this is all stupid and maybe they should use their power a different way. If you keep the Founding Titan and someone of royal blood alive to the end of Eldians, there is always going to be some wiggle room.

All it takes is one Founding Titan touching a royal heir somewhere down the line. Eren and Zeke aren’t unique in their roles. Their work can always be undone.

Yelena’s defense is that certainties can’t be counted on in any country, and it’s true, but she’s so enamored with the possibility of Eren and Zeke’s joint power that she seems to overlook how they won’t be the last holders of that power.

That’s the literal text of the plan.

For Eren and Zeke to not be the last people who can wield this power.

...

Well, you’ll probably be dead before you’re directly confronted with all your plan’s problems, so who cares anyway?

Eldians don’t die out peacefully in this strategy. They will die knowing that their existence is such a blight on the world that the only solution anyone could come up with for peace was to wipe them all out.

“I don’t trust Marley. I want Eldians to be free. But... I trust those... I’ve fought alongside.”

One of my primary complaints about the Marley arc was that the things the protagonists of that arc were fighting for were impossible. They could be good people doing bad things. They could be sympathetic. They could have moments of happiness.

They weren’t ever going to win.

That hasn’t really changed, but I like how Pieck puts it. The people who have been in the trenches with her won’t be so quick to abandon her or their people. It isn’t perfect. It’s still horrific and fucked up and an impossible longshot for Eldians to have any kind of future no matter how this pans out.

But Pieck believes in her friends, while Eren’s tossed his in a dungeon.

Somewhere, in the light of that trust, there can be a path to hope. Maybe.

Fuck Marley, though. The fact that they have the tools and the people to derail an atrocious injustice doesn’t change that they have made themselves into monsters and Eldians their slaves. As antagonists, the Warriors are engaging, but Marley as a greater body continues to just be... wrong.

Yelena’s right to say that the end of titans would free Marley from the chain of violence they’ve been perpetuating, and that is so much more noble than I would care to recognize.

Yes, of course it’s much better if people no longer have the ability to turn other people into slaves and set them loose like rabid dogs on the world.

But if you were going to pick a side of the population in need of elimination, the people who have chosen that path seem far more worthy than the people who are abused in its wake.

(I refuse to talk about Marley without saying Fuck Marley. Fuck Marley.)

Going back to the Eren, what we have is a situation where both of the loudest plans are not good. But Eren’s been content enough to follow along with his brother’s Not Good plan, despite everyone around him having permanent question marks over their head at his intentions.

Zeke’s plan is too destructive for it to go the way Yelena describes. For Zeke, who sees death as a release anyway, that isn’t a concern. For anyone who actually wants Eldians to be okay before they die out, and isn’t blinded by their own fanaticism, it is a concern.

Giving Eren the benefit of the doubt, because someone trying this hard to be a dick probably has some kind of reason, and none of the stated ones make sense, this shouldn’t be a plan that aligns with what he wants.

Unless his plan renders what everyone else does irrelevant. Unless the world seeing him as needlessly aggressive and cruel is more meaningful than being kind to the people he loves most in the world.

Look, I’m sure it’s more complicated than that, but until I stop finding it amusing and a more stable idea than half the other stuff my head’s concocted, Eren’s fucking Zero. Of the Code Geass way.

That happy ending was a fairy tale that shouldn’t have worked, too.

My other theory is that Eren’s going to unmake the world in a way that will permanently destroy him, and he needs his besties to not be near enough to fight him on that.

But all I really know

is that I just want an AU where Paradis rejoins the world as people instead of monsters and find allies and solve Ymir’s Curse without sentencing themselves to death.

And none of these idiots with their dramatics come anywhere close to that. The Survey Corps’ been left crying in a corner while Godzilla shoves them into a locker and kicks over their Lego tower. Godzilla, indeed, appears to be going out of its way to destroy as many Lego towers as possible, so whenever the Survey Corps starts moving, they will absolutely step on a Lego while Godzilla tells them it’s for the greater good.

To be fair, this is probably what happens when a handful of people have enormously powerful plot magic that can put the entire world in danger, and they don’t feel like being diplomatic.

It still leaves me in a permanent state of could you have maybe not? with regards to the choices being made. Because at this point so many horrible choices have been made that it’s pretty obvious that other horrible choices are going to get a full commitment to try to dig out of the grave.

Connie wins for the greatest #mood of the chapter.

In a funny way, we’ve wrapped right around back to the initial premise.

Tiny, powerless humans facing impossible odds.

Only this time, the hero of that story might not be on their side.

Fighting titans never worked for any of Eldia’s enemies. Until technology outside the walls started to advance far enough, no one ever could do anything except fall in the face of titans.

But a tiny band of humans locked away inside the walls looked at all these enemies right outside their gates, and decided that they were no reason to stay inside for the rest of their lives.

They decided, even if it got them all killed, these were obstacles worth fighting.

I can’t object to the story landing back here, but it is exhausting. Everything is in disarray. The possibility of a happy ending isn’t in any of the winning outcomes for any of the presented sides.

Also until canon says otherwise, I’m going to interpret the 104th’s reaction to Armin’s tears as all of them wondering why the fuck Armin’s face does that when he tries to lie.

Jean is not impressed.

Maybe just because you’re not supposed to agree with sterilizing everyone you’ve ever known, but for now I choose to believe that Jean, who last used a knife when trying to make friends out of enemies, really thinks Armin should be better at this.

None of you are good at this.

Try not to get bombed.

And because I’m me and can’t let it go, this chapter continues the trend of Historia’s new status of a plot mcguffin instead of an actual person.

You could literally replace her with that rocking chair and the story told so far this arc would not be impacted.

It’s becoming strange enough that I’m very sure something is going on, because Isayama doesn’t treat his characters like furniture, and more to the point, her entire arc that the anime just butchered is a direct answer to the euthanization crap.

Not addressing that feels like a cop-out. Among the other problems with literally everything the story has said about her role. Something’s clearly up, but that doesn’t make the situation any less aggravating. I mean sure, maybe her showing up would ruin the Drama because she already has her answer to someone trying to destroy her but but but

Lastly, I am glad Mikasa gets speech bubbles. I am also glad that Jean and Connie care for their buddies. And that Armin is so blunt about “he made Mikasa sad so I hit him.” And that Connie’s anger has calmed into Connie’s sadness. Even if I do not care for Connie being sad.

Somehow, you four might just live.

...

Please?

#Shingeki no Kyojin #SnK 116 #shingeki no spoilers #SnK spoilers #tl;dr #chapter post

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mittensmorgul · 5 years

Text

3.09, Malleus Maleficarum. The one where we finally learn about witches and witchcraft, and learn a heck of a lot more about demons. Most importantly, we learn about what happens to human souls in hell, and how demons are made... which is effectively the same thing...

Souls + Hell = Demons

which brings us to 3.10, Dream A Little Dream Of Me... because this heavily influences Dean's "dream." I've written a bit about this episode in the past, including during and after s14:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-3.10

But Dean literally fights off his own "inner demon" in this episode, who taunts him with everything, beginning with having to literally force Dean to talk with him at gunpoint, behind a locked door. Imagine avoiding looking at the truth of yourself so hard your subconscious literally has to hold you at gunpoint to get you to deal with your own shit...

DREAM DEAN: You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog. DEAN: (smiling in denial, braving it out): That -That's not true. DREAM DEAN: No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? DEAN scoffs, not wanting to admit to anything. DREAM DEAN: No. No, all there is is, "Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you?

At the end of the episode, after defeating Jeremy, Dean tells Sam that he doesn't want to go to Hell, and even that miniscule mote of self-worth is a massive turning point for Dean. It changes everything that comes after. He might still be willing to sacrifice himself in the name of saving the universe, but he's never really able to pretend it's a throwaway gesture for him.

And Sam... this is a rather terrifying series of episodes for Sam, too. He starts off rather naive with regard to all the magical stuff, willing to accept Ruby's help dealing with the witches in 3.09, willing to believe that Ruby really can help him save Dean (even though she's confessed to Dean that she can't, so we clearly know she's lying to Sam about that to string him along). But once again he has to face an iteration of Dean's death as he's cursed... and it's Ruby who saves him. He even learns something from the first time he uses the dreamroot in 3.10 to the second.

Dean stays largely on point in dealing with Bobby, breaking him out of his nightmare and convincing him to wake up, and on his second trip into dreamrootland he gets literally lost in the woods and finds himself in there among the trees. But Sam? On that first trip into Bobby's mind, despite Dean's warning to stick together, Sam wanders OUTSIDE. He walks out, on the pretense of looking for Bobby, but it's bordering on irrational-- if entering Bobby's dream put them inside the house, then Bobby would logically be trapped somewhere inside the house, you know? But this is the first "it was night, and now it's day" moment for Sam. As he's distracted trying to figure this out, the door slams behind him, locking him out of the house and into the outdoors with Jeremy-- who is fully in control inside the dream. Like Sam slowly growing to understand his Special Powers in s2, he's new at this dreamroot nonsense and hasn't yet figured out (like Dean did instinctively) that he should be able to take control just as much as Jeremy did. He says it the second time he uses the dreamroot, though, but only after Jeremy practically beats the snot out of him, "I took the dreamroot, too," and finally turns the dream on Jeremy... using the memory of his abusive father against him, the abusive father who literally became Jeremy's cause of death.

(there's also the matter of Bela sneaking around while they were all distracted trying to save themselves, giving her the chance to snatch the Colt out from under their noses in an attempt to save herself, giving it to the demon who held her contract... which makes me wonder if Crowley didn't release her from Hell after her contract was fulfilled... it's more of an interesting thought exercise than anything, but considering that Crowley was willing to buy and sell the Colt multiple times for his own convenience over the years, it makes me wonder what he gave Bela for it back then... okay, back to the point)

But this brings us to the biggest lesson yet for Sam, in 3.11, Mystery Spot. I've written a bit recently about Gabriel serving as an interesting mirror in the narrative for Chuck-- and really all four archangels reflecting different aspects of God, of which Chuck is just the "friendly" human face.

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184946657745/so-im-still-out-ahead-of-the-tnt-loop-but-i

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184996231285/so-ive-watched-four-more-episodes-since-my-last

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185420597825/final-episode-of-todays-tnt-loop-is-too-precious

Because like Chuck, Gabriel keeps nudging the narrative, keeps nudging TFW, pretending he's something so much "tamer" than what he actually is, faking a level of disconnect from the main narrative like Chuck did in playing the part of "prophet," pretending to be just as much a victim of the narrative as everyone else when in reality it was all his storytelling all along. Gabriel plays the trickster, hiding his true identity to give him reason to interact with Sam and Dean (and eventually Cas) until they finally see through to his true identity.

We have that with Chuck on a much bigger scale, with the ultimate reveal only coming in 14.20. And I think there's one more reveal regarding him and his influence in this universe to come, but more on that later...

But Gabriel uses this literal time loop to teach Sam a lesson. We watch Sam horrifically shaken by Dean's first few "deaths" in 3.11, watch him zoom through over a hundred narrative loops... or spirals, if you will, until he's finally ready for the "real lesson" Gabriel needed to teach him. Broken down again and again until he's forced to confront what his life will be like without Dean. His focus in that iteration is a six month singleminded quest to find the Trickster and force him to put everything back, including Dean... Despite the fact that Dean is already destined for Hell, and only has months to live anyway. Gabriel does eventually put everything back, as if those six months of driven revenge never happened. And for Dean, they didn't. But for Sam? He's been handed a lesson, and he's never gonna be able to forget it.

It's spirals all the way down, and there's some destinies you can't run from. Because the universe is conspiring against you in ways you can't even comprehend yet. And it's only gonna get worse from here.

#spn 3.09 #spn 3.10 #spn 3.11 #s14 hellatus rewatch #spn 14.20 #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #it's spirals all the way down #that's what free will is #gabriel as mirror of chuck #spiders georg of the tnt loop

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chaseyesterdays · 5 years

Note

So this is probably a tad late but I realized you are probably the biggest Star Wars fan I follow (okay maybe not probably) but I want your opinion on TLJ and to an extent TFW, like you honest impression and opinion. I have no problem asking off anon/sending a message if you’ve got some opinions™️, just state so.

Hi Anon! I’m perfectly comfortable answering anonymous messages or carrying on conversations via DM, so however you feel most comfortable is fine by me! I do have A LOT of opinions though and I’m probably not going to remember half of them for this post, so if there’s anything you want me to elaborate on or any other questions you may have, feel free to ask me however you like!

(I’m putting this under a cut because holy crap, this went on so much longer than I ever thought it would.)

Okay, first off: I think TFA had great potential as a film. ( I know you asked more specifically about TLJ, but I feel like I have to start at the beginning to get my thoughts semi-in-order. TFA introduced what could have been very interesting characters: a female orphan scavenger Force sensitive, a POC stormtrooper raised from birth for destruction but with a kind heart that ultimately guides him, a hotshot pilot with a gentle soul and a desire to do the right thing while remaining loyal to whom and what he believes in – even a female stormtrooper captain who could have had such a great backstory if they’d just let her. I can’t demonize TFA too much on not developing these characters because it’s the first installment in the saga, but still, where TFA failed is in its progression of the characters. I can almost forgive Rey’s overt Force abilities in the fight with Kylo Ren because yeah, we’ve seen the same with Luke on a slightly smaller scale, but it still felt a little bit jerky to me in terms of flow. Finn and Poe fared better in my opinion, but only because I felt like this new trilogy would give each of the new trio a movie in which to shine: TFA would be Rey’s and Finn and Poe would have what became TLJ and Episode IX to be more of the focal characters.

But here’s where I have issues with TFA. First, the movie was just a remake of A New Hope with different characters. I get that JJ Abrams was trying to appeal to the original fans while still providing that same magic to bring in the younger generations, but sheesh, the whole plot is essentially recycled with a few things moved around order-wise. Desert planet that isn’t Tatooine but looks like it, jungle planet that isn’t Yavin IV but looks similar, a “Death Star” that isn’t a Death Star but is essentially a Death Star, the death of a wise old mentor… There was literally no originality. I think JJ let his fears of fucking up the saga get the better of him, so he was too afraid to branch out and make the movie really great. He could have used similar elements and plot points as an homage to the first movie while still providing his own take on modernizing the film, or placing different characters as the focal point. In the end, even though I cried like four times watching it because Han Solo was one of my favorite characters and didn’t deserve to go out like that, I can’t rag on JJ too hard for TFA. He tried, but he fell flat on some things, and ultimately his treatment of an Original Trilogy character opened the door for some atrocities to be committed down the road.

And speaking of atrocities, that leads me to TLJ. Now, I’ll be honest here, I’ve only seen the movie once and fucking refuse to watch it again, but I’ve read a lot of other people’s reactions to it and examined some articles/YouTube videos explaining why everybody else thinks it’s such a bad movie, so I’ll call on what I remember for now and if anything else comes up in the future, I’ll let you know. But I’ll start here and now by saying that the reason TLJ was a failure from the start falls directly on the shoulders of Rian Johnson. Rian Fucking Johnson, Mr. Hubris, who literally said he set out to make a movie that destroyed fan expectations and worked to keep them guessing (if I remember correctly – like I said, I’ve sworn off TLJ content for awhile now just to keep my blood from boiling). The direction Rian took TLJ made no fucking sense and completely torpedoed the outline that JJ had for the movie, derailing the trilogy as a whole just because Rian wanted to be the smug, smart asshole who knew better than anybody what was gonna happen. As a result, the movie is full of plot holes and directionless actions and flat dialogue and ridiculous characterizations, and it’s not just a failure as a Star Wars film, it’s a failure as a movie in general because the plot simply doesn’t hold water. It’s literally a low-speed car chase with some cool effects that made half of its characters either useless, annoying, OOC, or redundant. It’s bad. My creative writing professors aren’t even dead yet, but if I’d turned in that script for one of my classes, they’d be rolling in their graves. (Did I mention I studied writing, grammar, composition, storytelling, character building and plot development for four years in college and make my living as a writer now? Trust me, I know my shit.)

First off, one of the biggest failings Rian Johnson had aside from the general plot was mistreatment of characters. The POC characters Finn, Poe, and Rose bore the brunt of that because Rian wouldn’t know how to write good POC characters if they literally smacked him in the face – hell, even the best of us white people are still learning. But Poe was reduced to an angry Latino stereotype, which made absolutely no sense considering his actions and attitude in TFA. He trusted Leia and the Resistance leaders and followed them because he respected them, not because he was blinded by them or whatever else anyone can try to insinuate. Admittedly he’s right to question Holdo because her actions make no sense and there’s literally nO REASON FOR HER NOT TO TELL HIM WHAT’S GOING ON, but he wouldn’t just fly off the handle and stage a mutiny like that. He would have talked to Leia about it repeatedly, talked to Holdo and others repeatedly, and Leia would have made Holdo see sense if she was in character AND SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING STUNNED POE.

Ahem.

Finn and Rose’s storyline is harder for me to remember because I hated that cantina sidequest thing so much, but what I do remember is feeling like Finn wasn’t even the same person (he wasn’t, because Rian Johnson killed him and put someone else in his place) and Rose was just redundant because it felt like she was created to be a love interest so Finn would be with someone other than Rey (again, I’m fine with platonic best friend relationships, but considering the fact that Finn/Rey would be a biracial relationship and the big ship R*eylo is founded on a whiny white man literally abusing the female protagonist, it just seems like a blatant attempt to undermine the POC characters and relationships in the film). Now let me be clear: what happened to Finn and Rose is not the actors’ faults, as they were at the mercy of Rian Fucking Johnson, and it isn’t the characters’ faults that they’re so weak. That’s all on bad writing and Rian Johnson, and I’m in no way blaming anyone but him for destroying them. (Also, I don’t want Finn to die at all, but having Rose save him from sacrificing himself just so she could kiss him and declare love for him and keep fans guessing again is just…so bad, Rian. Why won’t you let your characters make sense.)

And then there’s Rey. If I’m remembering correctly, both Daisy Ridley and Mark Hamill said they didn’t get back into character for TLJ because the characters they played, Rey and Luke, weren’t even the same characters in this film, and whoo boy, does it show. First off, I hate this term, but Rey was essentially a Mary Sue in this film. She had pretty much no training with Luke but somehow managed to be an amazing Force user anyway?? Look, I’m a naturally talented singer, but I didn’t just get good because of that, I got good because I worked hard and studied technique and worked with instructors who helped me take my natural talent and channel it and refine it into something better. That’s what Luke should have done. That’s what Rey should have gotten. But neither of them were in character so of course we didn’t get that. Instead, we got an angry, sullen Luke who tried to murder his nephew in his sleep, which NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BECAUSE HE SAW ENOUGH GOOD IN DARTH VADER NOT TO MURDER HIM SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO IT TO HIS NEPHEW, HIS SISTER’S ONLY CHILD. No sense people. No sense.

Rey being a nobody is a controversial point because some people love the fact that a great Jedi can be anyone at all. I get that. But what those people don’t realize is that the Skywalker line came from a slave woman. She was a “nobody” in the grand scheme of things – no disrespect to Shmi Skywalker, who was a powerful woman and a goddess in her own right. Making Rey a Skywalker (either from Luke’s line or Leia’s) does not diminish the “nobody” thing. In fact, it’s the only thing that makes sense, because that lightsaber belongs to the Skywalker line and it wouldn’t just call out to anybody – my creative writing professors would have shot that shit down in a heartbeat. So I think Rey will actually end up being someone with a connection to the Skywalkers; some people theorized that “The Chosen One,” AKA Anakin born of midichlorians, could be almost an avatar-like thing, or Rey could be a reincarnation of Anakin if she’s not a Skywalker/Solo somehow. Kinda farfetched, but no less farfetched than the rest of this fucking movie, so whatever.

Tying Rey and Kylo together could have been so interesting if Rey was his sister. I loved the idea that Rey and Kylo were both Solo children of the Skywalker bloodline, representing the Light and Dark sides of the Force and proving that ultimately, the balance between Dark and Light is what defeats true evil and restores balance to the galaxy (after all, balance is not the absence of dark or light, but an equal ratio of it, and I firmly believe that being a Jedi should not be banishing all the darkness in you, but simply controlling it and centering yourself on the balance between love and passion and anger and pain). It would have made such a good story for Kylo Ren to be a double agent or a legitimately brainwashed young man struggling to do what he thinks is right and being misled but still using his gifts to support balance once he realizes he’s been led astray. Instead, we got literally the worst villain ever: he’s not intimidating, he’s whiny, he pitches temper tantrums, he’s selfish, he’s abusive, he’s impulsive… The writers can’t figure out what they want with him, because they’ve worked so hard to make us sympathize with him and like him and set him up like a misunderstood kid, but then they go and have him make the conscious choice to be evil but still be all those “good” things? It makes no sense. His character progression is all over the place because Rian can’t write and the Kylo he created is not even the same character as JJ put in TFA. And as a result, we now have just about canon proof that Rian wanted R*eylo, which is just another glorified abusive relationship that “stans” keep romanticizing. Gag me with a spoon. I’m done.

Also, who the fuck was Snoke? How was he so powerful? Where did he come from? How did he brainwash Kylo? Who trained him or how did he learn all he knew? How could he see everything and sense everything but not hear, see, or feel Kylo moving the lightsaber? Why were he and Phasma completely nerfed and killed out of nowhere with absolutely no character development or reason for dying? The world may never know.

And here’s where I get really angry: the sheer disrespect for the Original Trilogy characters. Harrison was ready to retire as Han, and I can understand that – I don’t like how Han went out, but I can almost forgive that because I don’t want the actors to be miserable. But what they did to Luke and Leia is unforgivable. Straight up, point blank. Luke Skywalker would never try to murder his nephew in his sleep. Leia would never stun Poe or send her son away or be a terrible, absentee parent. Luke would never be the person he was in that movie, because even in the depths of despair, Luke chose good, chose to see the good in others. He and Leia never gave up hope or belief that good would always triumph over evil. The Luke I saw in TLJ had none of that, and Mark Hamill himself said it wasn’t Luke, it was “Jake Skywalker” or some other nonsense. Mark is a genuinely kind and accepting person, so if you manage to make him angry about a character he’s played for more than thirty years, you’ve fucked up big time, and Rian Johnson did just that. And what’s worse, there was no reason for Luke to die aside from the fact that he just wasn’t convenient for the writers to consider anymore. Han’s death happened to let Harrison retire, but Luke’s was just to get the old generation out so Kathleen Kennedy and the other Powers That Be could do whatever they wanted in the Star Wars universe and milk that cash cow for all it’s worth. Now that Carrie’s gone, all real ties to the Lucasverse are gone, and I’m not convinced they weren’t going to kill Leia off anyway for the reasons I stated above. The blatant disrespect of that, of destroying characters I’ve loved my whole life, who literally kept me alive when nothing else did… It’s unforgivable. I wept like I lost loved ones watching Luke and Han die, and I refuse to do it again.

And here’s what it all comes down to for me: hope. Star Wars was founded on hope. The whole franchise was created in the wake of the Vietnam War when everyone needed something good to believe in, a clear divide between good and evil where good won simply because it was willing to fight for what it believed in, support others, love others, do the right thing. Even when the chips were down and everything was at its darkest in ESB, they always had hope, and in the end, hope won out. There are literally documentaries out there and books written about the success of Star Wars and the fact that hope is its literal cornerstone. The sequel trilogy destroyed all of that. There is no hope anymore. The Resistance is pretty much decimated at the end of TLJ, and at the hands of a government (not even a government??) that rose up out of nothing and destroyed like twelve planets with a flick of a switch and blew billions of people away (and of course we never hear another word about that because that can’t be important at all). Everyone is dying. There are no ships left. There are no forces – less than 100 people made it off that salt planet whose name escapes me and I don’t care enough to look up, and it might have been less than 50. There is no chance that the Resistance can rise up out of nothing and overcome that. Considering how far Rian derailed the progression of the trilogy as a whole, I don’t know how on earth JJ can come back and fix it with literally nothing on his side – all for the sake of shock factor (I swear, I shake my fist at Rian Johnson in my head at least once a day). I know the modern trend is to shoot for gritty, hopeless, “realistic” films because that’s what the current mood is in this country and around the world, but that’s not what Star Wars is about. That’s never been what Star Wars is about. The whole story was built on the foundation of hope, that good could rise and triumph over evil, and there’s simply no room for that in this sequel trilogy. Essentially, the sequel trilogy has failed because it destroyed what makes Star Wars “Star Wars” at its core, and for that, I will never forgive it. The prequels may have been dark, but they exist to show that while the good can fall, ultimately, they can rise again even if in the smallest of ways. “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” The narrative is so convoluted and misconstrued in the sequel trilogy, and it will never be able to find that same foundation of hope again because Disney fucked up. As I said in 2017, “Star Wars is dead. Long live Star Wars.” So I’ll stick to my Original Trilogy and remember the good things that kept me going, the characters and actors that saved my life and made me realize that even in the face of darkness, hope and love can overcome all. That’s Star Wars to me. Honestly, that’s what Rogue One delivered, and if you take anything out of this, it’s that Rogue One is the only Star Wars thing Disney did right. But the sequel trilogy isn’t Star Wars, it isn’t even halfway decent storytelling, and I hope that on the day I die Rian Johnson and everyone responsible for TLJ can lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

I probably left a lot out because I have so many feelings on this matter, and this response is like encyclopedia-long as is, but it’s the truth of what I feel, and I really hope I shed some light on the topic for you (probably way too much light, but I digress). Thank you for caring about my opinions Anon! I really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to put my thoughts down, and if you managed to make it to the end of this ridiculous post, just know that my inbox and my asks are always open for any clarification or fandom-screaming or thoughts in general. Have an amazing day, and as some people whom I love very dearly used to say, “May the Force be with you. Always.”

#star wars #anti tfa #anti tlj #these are my opinions guys don't @me #I was actually asked for this lmao #thanks again anon i love u for this #forcie rambles #adventures of a panic stricken graduate #who probably could have gotten her degree in star wars lore tbh

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tumblunni · 5 years

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What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

#lets go bunni #bunni plays lets go

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cinebration · 3 years

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Cuts & Bruises, Wounds & Abuses (Captain Syverson x Reader) [Part 12]

Your first day back at Warhorse.

Warnings: mentions of death

Gif Source: demivampirew

The evening air the next night would have been refreshing if you hadn’t been desperately waiting for someone to pick up on the other end of the satphone line.

Your first day back among the men had been…okay. If not for the pity and sympathy from the soldiers, it would have been better. They all glanced at your arm when you spoke to them, reminding you of its presence like the pain itself wasn’t enough.

Mahmoud, at least, tried to brighten your day. “It is good you bought the scarf at the market,” he noted. “To replace your old one.”

“Yes,” you agreed, trying not to think about it.

“You cannot see the sheikh—he won’t allow it—but if you give me a list of questions, I can ask him.”

You glanced up at him in surprise. “You would do that?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “I would be happy to.”

“Thank you, Mahmoud.”

The only person whom you didn’t see was the captain. That is, you saw him, but he seemed to be purposely avoiding you.

As the day progressed, his conspicuous absence wore down on your thoughts until you came to the conclusion he blamed you for Deakins’s death. The thought haunted you the rest of the day, curdling your guts, until you retrieved your satphone and went up to the roof just before nightfall.

“Hello?”

Your mother’s voice nearly broke you. Struggling to keep your voice level, you said, “Hey, Mom.”

“Sweetheart! It’s so good to hear from you. Are you doing alright?”

“I’m fine.”

Your mother paused. “Are you sure?”

Tears pushed insistently at your eyes. You tried blinking them away, but they spilled over. Chest constricting, you struggled to compose yourself.

“Sweetheart?”

“No, I’m not.” The words tore raggedly from your throat. “There was an attack—”

“Oh my God, are you okay!?”

You almost glanced down at your bandaged arm. “Yes,” you lied. “But one of the men didn’t make it.”

The memory flashed suddenly and sharply.

Deakins staggering toward you, flames curling his skin. Lit up against the backdrop of black smoke. Screaming. His? Yours?

You squeezed your eyes shut. “I can still smell him, Mom. Burning.”

Thinking about it made your throat spasm. Choking back the gagging, you gripped the phone hard enough to hear the hard plastic pop beneath your fingertips.

“I keep thinking it’s all my fault,” you cried. “He wouldn’t have died if I hadn’t come here. He wouldn’t have been at the market with me. They wouldn’t have gotten attacked.”

Tremors wracked your frame. You curled in on yourself, fighting the urge to clench your burned hand into a fist. Tears poured down your face, quiet sobs tearing out of you.

“You can’t think like that.”

“I know,” you moaned. “But it’s all I can think about.”

“Come home, sweetheart.”

You glanced up at the dark sky overhead, biting your tongue. Of course she would say that. Everyone was saying that.

“I can’t,” you answered, your voice strained but level. “I’m not done.”

“Sweetheart—”

“I just needed to hear the sound of your voice, Mom. Thank you.”

Your mother sighed quietly. “Do what you have to do, sweetheart. I’m praying for you.”

“Love you too.”

You hung up and let the phone fall to your side. The cool wind whipped at your face, making the tears on your cheek sting.

Talking to your mother hadn’t helped.

Clenching your right hand, you pressed the fist against your forehead, a fresh wave of tears spilling over. Choking on the renewed sobs, you clenched your body tight, trying to fight it all.

A cold nose touched your injured hand.

Sharp pain flared up your arm. Crying out, you jerked back.

A German Shepherd looked up at you with soft, expressive eyes. A low whine issued from her throat, her nose nudging your other hand.

Wiping the tears from your face, you gently scratched about the dog’s ears. “Hi, girl.”

The dog pushed her head into your touch, tail wagging in excitement. You brushed your hand down her scruff and back, reached a good spot on her rump.

She flopped over at your feet, exposing her belly to you. A quiet chuckle slipped past your lips despite yourself.

“What’s your name, girl?”

“Aika.”

Jumping, you jerked your head in Syverson’s direction. He stood in the doorway leading to the stairwell, his face hidden in shadows.

“You’re like a ghost,” you heard yourself say, trying to shake off the scare.

“You don’t pay attention.”

You nodded slowly, tearing your gaze away from him. “Yeah, always my fault.”

“That—that’s not what I meant.”

You shrugged and stared down at Aika. The dog waited patiently for more belly rubs. You obliged, though with less enthusiasm than before.

“You shouldn’t be up here.”

“I was making a call.”

“Nightfall is snipers’ time.”

You sighed. “Fine.”

The dog scrambled to her paws as you stood, pushing her head under your hand. You headed to the door, waited for Syverson to move aside.

He didn’t.

Frowning, you stared up into his face. “What?”

“I’m…not your enemy.”

Your frown deepened. “It’s okay if you are. One more won’t kill me.”

You immediately wanted to take the words back. They felt like a curse, given power now that they had been said aloud.

#Captain Syverson x Reader #Captain Syverson #Captain Syverson imagine #Henry Cavill x Reader #Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill imagine #Sand Castle (2017)#Netflix Sand Castle

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almaasi · 6 years

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reaction post typed while watching SPN 13x22 “Exodus”

“WATCH THIS SHOW” they said. “IT’LL BE FUN” they said. cue me being very stressed out for two hours straight

02:38pm

am i looking forward to this, with absolute confidence that nothing terrible and unfortunate will happen because it’s the deadly duo writing this and it’s near the end of the season and last episode was the whiplashiest of whiplashes? NOPE

am i gonna watch it anyway? .......yeah

hopes: nobody we care about dies

02:43

I DID NOT WANT THIS RECAP

SAMMY DID NOT DESERVE THAT

but also i still haven’t seen a captioned giftset of the moment cas said to dean “dean, he’s gone, we can’t save him”

‘cause wow as far as destiel moments go, that’s a heck of a lot of trust for dean, and a heck of a lot of concern and care on cas’ part

02:46

lucifer: your name is jack

jack: and yours is lucifer

i don’t even know why i laughed but i did??? i don’t think that was meant to be funny

02:48

lucifer: don’t you think that’s his choice?

cas: no

the abusive dad vs protective family saga continues

also i just realised for MONTHS/years? i’ve been using the 24-hour clock on my laptop and didn’t even notice how much i didn’t like it until just now, and i just changed it, and AAH THIS IS BETTER IT SAYS 02:49 INSTEAD OF 14:49 AND I DON’T ACCIDENTALLY TYPE 4:49 WHEN WRITING THESE POSTS

actually in terms of abusive parents vs protective families (expanding on what i said last week), i kinda feel like right now the writers are kinda toning down how bad it can be. lucifer’s so chill about this, kinda, and i’ve known families whose estranged parent is almost a perfect match for lucifer’s behaviour here:

they’ll offer the kid an incredible gift without telling the other parent(s), something the kid can’t refuse because of how badly they want/need it, and the parents can’t refuse without being the bad guy(s), and the whole family then becomes eternally indebted to the abusive parent and is obliged to give them money/time/rights with their child, with the threat of violence, property destroyed, access to said property removed, or instigated legal proceedings if they refuse.

plus the kid is often too young or innocent to understand, they just see an extra parent who gives them nice things, and for a kid from a broken home with not enough to go around, they don’t see the downside, and they maybe never see the threat their parents are under. or they’re physically or mentally abused by their parent(s), but think it’s okay because the parent(s) “apologises” or bribes them with nice things. or if the protective parent(s) try and keep them away from the abusive parent, the kid sees themselves as being deprived of that parent’s love

long story short, people can be shitty, and lucifer probably has the potential to be much worse than just standing around and having a casual discussion

i feel like the extended winchester family verbally defending jack is not gonna be enough, and lucifer’s gonna wanna take back sam, and destroy more while he’s at it

like an “if i can’t have it, nobody can have it” sort of thing

03:03

eyyy felicia day is in the credits

03:04

hug!!!!!!!!!!!

nawww the lil tiny nuzzle dean does with his chin before pulling away

03:07

YEAH MARY YOU PUNCH THE DEVIL IN THE FACE

!!!

AGAIN!!!

cas kinda looked like he was expecting that

03:09

i was busy admiring how mary’s hair was perfectly curly

and then by the next shot it was all limp and sad

if the weather was humid i guess it melted the curl between takes

but also MARY WHAT THE HELL

YOU DON’T WANNA ABANDON ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE AU

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR SMOL NEEDY HERO CHILDREN

??????

i mean i get it bUT ALSO NO I DON’T

also my face is >:| because they cut to cas and lucifer in the middle of mary and dean having a super important conversation

usually it’s not jarring but THAT WAS JARRING

eehh the deadly duo trademark is all over this

03:15

sam: mom doesn’t wanna leave these people.

sam: ...

sam: so let’s take ‘em with us

YEAH NOW THAT’S A PLAN

MUCH BETTER

take charlie and bobby too okay please

..........aw man now i said that, i get the terrible feeling that one or both of them is gonna go out in a blaze of glory instead, or stay on the sinking ship for no good reason other than because the writers don’t know what else to do with them

edit: i mean there’s still next episode.... (best case, they all survive and get storylines next season)

03:20

see all the stuff lucifer is telling jack is true, and it does remove the blame from the CONCEPT of lucifer

but the personality is lucifer is BAD AND ABUSIVE

like you don’t have to commit horrible crimes to be a bad person to be around

he corrupts the will of others, he tortures them emotionally, he manipulates them

none of those things are first-degree murder, or the great oppression of the entire human race, but they are Bad Things For A Father To Be

03:23

lucifer: i have done bad things, but i just want the opportunity to get better. doesn’t everybody? don’t you?

i actually feel sick ‘cause this is sooooooo very very dangerous

cas was right, talking to lucifer is bad

yeah, he says all the right things. anyone could give him the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps say sure, lucifer’s changed ‘cause he has a kid now, but he PROVED in bringing sam back to life that he hasn’t changed

and not just because of the “i’mma bring jack a gift he can’t refuse thing”, but the “i’mma kill sam again if he doesn’t agree to this” thing

lucifer is a manipulative, blackmailing, flaming trash baby and jack needs better. lucifer might treat jack himself with genuine love, but he’ll destroy everyone and everything around him in doing so

03:28

also? i relate so hard to the fact dean, sam, and cas all see and know the real lucifer, and lucifer’s putting on a show for jack

i think the people i’ve personally felt the least safe around in the past, especially growing up, are the people who are perfectly sweet when you’re in company and then become bullies as soon as the adults/parents/protectors are out of earshot

and there’s no way to prove to your protectors that you’re being hurt because all they see is “a nice person” or “ohh they’re such a sweetie”

i mean it’s the other way around for team free will and jack, where tfw see the real thing and jack sees the perfect angel but yeah

03:42

ketch: take the b&o railroad......straight to hell

good line tbh

03:43

angel to ketch: i’ve sent for an expert in these matters

probably gonna be other ketch

03:44

WHOA DARK CAS

WAY BETTER

he has a twitchy hamster face

where does misha get these ideas

i kinda wanna draw whiskers on dark!cas ???

03:46

THE FACT DEAN CAN GIVE CAS INSTRUCTIONS JUST BY FLUTTERING HIS EYELASHES

and the way he moves his eyes is so soft and gentle and subtle too

it makes my heart feel a thing tbh

even though cas is torturing someone

ugh nonverbal communication is so sexy

03:52

DARK CAS IS GERMAN ?????

and there’s........something misha-like in his smile?? that’s weird

03:54

I AM INTENSELY UNCOMFORTABLE

his two different eyes are cool though

maybe it’s just a trick of the light, or a very subtle contact lens

03:55

fuck yeah that coat

but why is he german, other than clearly being a nazi-inspired character

is it just me or is this legitimately the scariest of all misha’s characters

i want to run away and hide

actually i kinda wanna cry

03:59

that’s better

GOOD CAS, PLZ DESTROY NAZI CAS

04:02

ketch: “well helloo~”

ketch: “are you... actually saving me? about bloody time”

gayyyyyyyy

biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

also maybe definitely a destiel parallel from that time cas beat dean up to stop him saying yes to micheal

04:05

um?????

that smile when real!cas dragged the blade down dark!cas throat ?????

04:08

jack’s like LET ME DO THE THING EVERYONE’S BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR MONTHS/YEARS

IN ONE HOUR

04:11

fuck yeah mary

lookin all swish at the back of the war bus

04:12

????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????

hOW DID THEY GET THE BUS THROUGH THE TUNNEL THAT HAD THE VAMPIRES IN

DID THEY TAKE THE MOUNTAIN ROUTE THAT WOULD’VE TAKEN SEVERAL DAYS???

WHAT???????????????????

04:16

MY HEART IS POUNDING

C’MON EVERYONE YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

04:17

mary, bobby, ketch, charlie, jack are safe!!!! SAVE EVERYONE!!! QUICK QUICK

NOBODY LEFT BEHIND PLEASE

except lucifer maybe

except that would probably be bad in the long run

CAS IS SAFE

YAH C;MON!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I’M SO STRESSED RN

fuckin feel like i’m trying to pull ducklings one by one through a fence before a dog gets them FUCK

/sobs to self

04:19

I;M GONBA HEVA FUCKING HEART ATACK FUHF

04:20

WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE BLACK GUY

DO THESE WRITERS LIKE.. HAVE A FETISH FOR DEAD BLACK PEOPLE

WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR PROBLEM

AND THE CAMERA ALWAYS LINGERS MORE WHEN IT’S THESE WRITERS I’M PRETTY SURE??? someone do a test, go find all the dead black people and check which writers/editors/directors leave the camera lingering for longest

istg these writers do it more often and for longer

04:24

aw MAAAAN :C

dean’s “gaBE nO” though. :c :c :c

04:26

everyone except gabe :c :c :c

(and no lucifer...........like i said, great now, baaaaaad in the long run)

04:29

nobody mentions cas but he’s still there, looking all pretty and being a good, wholesome bean

04:30

SEE? BAD

VERY BAD

04:33pm

it ends

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man that was

........a lot

overall a good ‘un but STILL VERY STRESSFUL

i need a nice calming shower after that, i smell like !!!!!anxiety!!!!

9/10, loses a point JUST BECAUSE OF HOW STRESSFUL IT WAS TO WATCH. THIS WAS NOT FUN AT ALL

BUT STILL GOOD??

I DUNNO MAN I JUST WANT A SHOW WITH THESE EXACT CHARACTERS JUST HANGING AROUND AND BEING NICE TO EACH OTHER AND FALLING IN LOVE AND HEALING EACH OTHER EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND BAKING CAKES AND RAISING CHILDREN

to be fair though, my endless almost-what-i-wanted-but-not-quite dissatisfaction with this show keeps driving me to write 81+ fanfics where nice things happen

win-win????

but this show would still be better with dean/cas cuddles let’s be real

#Elmie watches things #13x22 #exodus #season 13 #spn spoilers #deadly duo #post of postiness

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sammythemooseman · 6 years

Text

You're Safe Now

Pairing: TFW x platonic!young!reader

Summary: You have abusive parents, not knowing that your actual parents are long dead, and their bodies are being used as meat suits by demons. One day, when you’re almost beat to death by your ‘father’, Team Free Will saves you.

Warnings: Abuse, swearing, possibly (not really) angst

A/N: Wrote this awhile ago… don’t know why I’m just now posting it. Well, enjoy:)

The school bell rang, and everybody shot up out of their seats, eager to get home. Not you though. You took your sweet time gathering your books, and putting them in your bag. You loathed every second at home with your parents. Besides when they were sleeping, they found some way to torture you. Whether it was hitting you, or belittling you.

You soon found yourself standing on the steps of the house you lived in. You refused to call it home. Home should be a place where you felt safe. You definitely didn’t feel safe here. You took a deep breath, and stepped inside. Right when you stepped inside, you felt your head crack to the side, followed by blistering pain. You barely flinched. You held your head high, and stared directly into the face of your father.

”Why are you home late bitch?” he growled.

”My teacher wanted to talk to me,” you lied. It was risky lying to your parents, but they don’t give a shit about what you do at school, unless it has anything to do with revealing that they’re abusive. All you want to do is make it until you’re eighteen, then you were out of here.

Your father huffed. “You’re probably being a little slut and screwing your teacher so you can keep your grades up.” You were used to this from your father, but it still hurt. “Go make your mother and I supper.”

You hung up your bag and scurried away from him. You entered the kitchen and started making them spaghetti. While you were waiting for the noodles to boil, you set the table. After you finished cooking, you informed them supper was done, and served them their meal. You turned on your heal, preparing to go straight to your room when you heard a loud crash. You turned and watched in horror as your father swept everything off the table.

”You little bitch! You can’t do anything right! I didn’t want spaghetti, and you forgot my damn beer!” he spat. You fought the urge to roll your eyes. He approached you, and you bit your lip, casting your eyes to the floor. He grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him. “Pathetic,” he sneered. His breath reeked of alcohol making your scrunch up your nose in disgust. He could probably knock out a football team with the stench of his breath. You considered the possibility.

You cried out when he hit you, sending you to the floor. You felt his foot connect with your side. You screeched, curling up into a ball in attempt to protect yourself. You could hear your ribs shattering. You didn’t even think it was even possible to kick that hard. Hot tears rolled down your cheeks as he mercilessly beat you. You finally went limp, in too much pain to even defend yourself.

”Hey you son of a bitch!” a voice shouted. You looked through bleary eyes to see three handsome men, standing in your kitchen doorway.

”Winchesters,” your mother hissed. You tried to scurry away as they all pulled out weapons. They attacked your parents, wielding unusual looking knives. Your parents, with inhuman strength, hurtled furniture at them. The men dodged the furniture, and promptly stabbed your parents. You gasped as it looked like their skeletons seemed to flash orange, before dropping dead to the ground.

You let out a whimper when they turned towards you. You shrunk back into the wall, in too much pain to try and run away. You waited for them to stab you, ending your life. Your life sucked anyway. You just hoped the afterlife would be better.

Then the man did the oddest thing ever, he threw water on you. Water. The green eyed man pulled out a knife, and walked towards you. You let out a another whimper, and made a weak attempt to drag yourself away from him.

”Dean,” the tallest one said, in a scolding manner. “You’re scaring her.” The green eyed man who’s name was apparently Dean, looked back at you.”

”Hi girl,” he said softly, kneeling. “We’re not gonna hurt you okay?” You wasn’t sure if you should be more offended that he killed your parents, or that he was talking to you like you was a dog.

The man in the trench coat cleared his throat awkwardly. She’s offended that you are speaking to her like she is a canine,” he said in a deep, grungy voice. Your eyes widened. How did he know your thoughts? Was he a psychic The man tilted his head and frowned.

”I am not a psychic.” Now you were beyond freaked out. Your attention turned back to Dean when he moved closer to your form.

”Alright, we’re gonna help you, but we need to check something. We’re just gonna cut your hand a tiny bit, I promise it won’t hurt much.” You recoiled away from the knife, afraid he was gonna stab you with it.

”I assure you, you can trust Dean. If he wanted to stab you he would’ve already,” the trench coated man said bluntly.

”Just one tiny little cut and then I promise it’s over with,” he said. For some odd reason, you trusted him. You nodded slowly, and he pressed the knife to your hand, slicing open a small cut. Dean pocketed the knife, and stood up. “She’s clean. Cas, heal her.” The trench coated man approached you, and pressed two fingers to your forehead. Warmth spread throughout your body, the pain fading away completely. You gasped, scrambling backward.

”It’s okay, we’re here to help you. You’re safe now,” the tallest man said. “Can you tell us your name?

”Y-Y/N,” you stuttered, staring at the men in awe. “Who are you?”

Dean grinned at you. “I’m Dean, this is my brother Sam, and that’s Cas. You can call us Team Free Will.”

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