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scatterpatter · 3 years

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Tired: Zodiac Signs

Wired: Which era of Unus Annus was your birthday video in

Beginning Era

November 15-December 6

Notable Videos: Cooking With Sex Toys, the trio of Cupping videos, Mark and Ethan Summon a Ghost, Play-Doh Thanksgiving, We Buy a Professional Hypnosis Video and React To It, Mark and Ethan Attempt an Escape Room

NOT A MASOCHIST Era

December 7-January 3

Notable Videos: Ethan Destroys Mark's Van with a Bat, Ethan Gives Mark a Viking Funeral, Acupuncture is NOT Painful, We Made Nude Paintings of Eachother, We Had To Drink Each Other's Pee, Preserving Ourselves in Wax, Donating Toys to Charity w/ JackSepticEye, We Took The Polar Plunge, We Eat Bugs

Disclaimer Era

January 4-January 19

Notable Videos: DIY Bungee Jump(please don't try this), Ethan finally becomes a MAN, Mark And Ethan Go Casket Shopping, Fixing Mark's Hole with Ramen but Every Time We Add Glue We Get 5% Closer to God, DIY Geriatric Simulator

Going Further Beyond Era

January 20-February 16

Notable Videos: We Cryogenically Freeze Ourselves, We Hired a Real Hypnotherapist to Analyze Our Darkest Dreams, Hacking The Very Fabric Of The Universe, Turning Mark Into an E-Boy, Literally Eating Fire, Unregulated Axe Throwing, Nutball: The Most Dangerous Game

Out And About Era

February 17-March 23

Notable Videos: Chickens Teach Us About Life and Death, Goat Yoga, We Wrote a Hit Pop Song in 30 Minutes, Middle School Science Experiment Teaches Us About Life and Death, The Barrel - Official Music Video, We Got Pepper Sprayed, Beer Sauna: Turning a Portable Sauna into a Portable Hell, Mark and Ethan are Now Fathers, We Force James Charles to Run a Military Obstacle Course

Covid Era

March 24-May 14

Notable Videos: Desperately Trying To Not Touch Our Faces, Where in the World is Unus Annus?, We Made Every YouTuber Battle in the Hunger Games, Help Us Break a YouTube World Record, The Secret Unus Annus No-Touchy-Touchy Hand Shake, What the Hell is a Pink Trombone?, We Attempted to Create THICC Water

The Halfway Era

May 15-June 16

Notable Videos: The End of Unus Annus is Almost Here..., Mark Cooks Blindfolded While Ethan Guides Him Through FaceTime, Only UNUS-es/ANNUS-es May Watch This Video, DIY Wine, Reacting to Your Hilarious Green Screen Memes, Mark Teaches Ethan to Read with Hooked on Phonics, Recreating Childhood Photos

Renaissance Era

June 17-July 25

Notable Videos: Pee Sauna, The Ultimate Paper Airplane Showdown, Bear Trapping 101: An Elegant Knot For An Elegant Beast, Ethan Teaches Mark How to Swim, Recreating Mark's Childhood, Mark and Ethan Look at a Puppy for 10 Minutes, The Unus Annus Space Program, Preparing a 5-Star Meal for Our Youtube Famous Dogs(hee hee hoo hoo this was my birthday video), Would Chica Save Us From Drowning?

The Dessert Era

July 26-August 20

Notable Videos: The Beginning of The End, The Annual Unus Annus Dunk Contest, A Serious Conversation Under the Stars, Mark and Ethan Share a Drink, Hydro Dipping A Baby, Puberty Simulator, Transforming Mark into the 8th Wonder of the World, 1 Gallon of Jello Nearly Broke Us

Camp Unus Annus Era

August 21-August 30

Notable Videos: Too Many Pickles, Pitching a Tent in the Woods But There's a Bear 15 Feet Away, How to Safely Bury Your Friend, How to Start a Fire (except don't...), Hunting HeeHoo, Was 2020 a Bad Year for Unus Annus?

Road To Goodbye Era

August 31-September 12

Notable Videos: Mark Gives Ethan a HOT (stone) Massage, Mark Teaches Ethan How to March in a Marching Band, We Finally Drank Our DIY Wine, Making Snow Cones With Literally Anything But Normal Flavors, We Ate Dog Treats So You Don't Have To

SCP Era

September 13-October 29

Notable Videos: We Accidentally Made an SCP While Amy Was Away, Pee Soda, Mark Knows What Ethan Did..., Bobbing For Apples But the Water Keeps Getting Thiccer, Literally Finding a Needle in a Haystack, The Painful World of Aerial Silks, This Video is Completely Unedited, Momiplier Tells Us True Scary Stories from Korea, We Force Mark to Swim in the Ocean (HIS GREATEST FEAR), Cryptid Olympics, Blood Bath

Ending Era

October 30-November 14

Notable Videos: Ethan Kidnapped Mark, The Truth of Unus Annus, The Unus Annus Last Supper, Recreating Every Single Unus Annus Video, Who's Cutting Onions In Here???, God's Fitness Test, Everything's Legal If You're Dead, The Unus Annus Annual Sleepover, Goodbye.

#unus annus #i spent... way too long on this #tag yourself im the renaissance era

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softbladee · 3 years

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okay here are some thane eating habits (and sleep bc they relate to food???) headcanons of mine

he sleeps segmented so instead of one big block he gets in 2-4 hours whenever he can/feels like he needs it

he can also pretty much sleep wherever

this means people have come into life support and had full on conversations with him while he was asleep sitting up at his lil table

ME2 Normandy obviously still had regular mess hours and if he caught them he caught them but if he didn't he would just cook for himself

Also man has a ton of snacks stashed in life support

And on his person at all times

Most of its pretty healthy but he got in the habit of eating certain junk when Kolyat was small so like sometimes it's a lot of dried fruit and sugar free granola but there's definitely like fruit roll ups mixed in there

Man loves his green juice

Man also loves his hot pockets

He got used to eating them on construction sites and he can find them on almost every planet, they're portable, last a long time etc

Plus they have those little pockets that make them crispy, genius invention in his opinion

He also really likes that tangy aluminum taste u get with canned foods

It's like a nostalgia thing that he enjoys on occasion

Bc of the weather on Kahje most of the native food from Rakhana has to be grown off-world. So it's most accessible to people canned or pickled.

Yeah it's the preserve flavor that never gets cooked out or masked that he likes but he'll never admit that

#not dragon age #my headcannons #im not projecting the romantization of canned food or anything like that *coughs*

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slowdeathbyetudes · 3 years

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so my friends and i made a list of things i can tell people my cello is when i’m carrying it around, and it gets progressively worse

brace yourself ok

Violin

Viola

Glockenspiel

Xylophone

Bass

Saxophone

Cricket colony

Beehive

My house

A dead body

My means for transportation

My portable garden

My refrigerator

My hockey gear

My shield for battle

My friend

My one true love

My lunch

My picnic equipment

My reusable cvs shopping bag

My luggage

My 100 word paragraph for health class

The Green Bay packers

The Madison square garden

My rat collection

My collection of Swedish national jerseys

Croatia

A time machine

A tree

A woman named Kelby

A mini me

My woman crush wednesday

Car crash test dummy

My science experiment

My future

My one way ticket to the firey underworld

Sephora

Surfboard

A lonesome cowboy

The band U2

My AP world textbook

Johnny the patriotic monster

A red herring

Darwin’s finches

My ex boyfriend

A wedding chapel

A hole in the space time continuum

Pandora’s box

The entire electromagnetic spectrum

The US armed forces

A mandolin

The path to enlightenment

The father, the son, and the Holy Spirit

The Bible

A hologram

A figment of your imagination

Lil Debbie

A winery

The District of Columbia

Microsoft

The entire cast of full house

A foldable basketball hoop

My collection of Tom Brady cutouts

Feta cheese

A chess board

My collection of severed ears

The pile of hair on the floor at the salon

My Italian dictionary

97 chicken Parmesan sandwiches

Daniel Radcliffe

A cactus

A half eaten apple

Every newspaper clipping of James corden since 2001

My estranged mother

My pregnant wife

Pantyhose

Mini Christmas tree

Dead leaves from the fall

Patrick swayze

The rockettes

Popcorn

David schwimmer

Chicken feet soaked in pickle juice

Fossils of my loved ones

Mallets

The sexy man on the raisin box

The USSR

The confederate republic

The NRA

stolen bras

Locally sourced Italian flip flops

The United federation of planets

You, after I bludgeon you to death

A fishing pole

Leo dicaprio’s Oscar

Hair plugs

Sponges

Packing peanuts

The entire inventory of staples

Barack Obama

Michelle Obama

The group Migos

Shakira

The ozone layer

Oscar wilde

Nassau county

The old lady who lived in a shoe

The fly that choked me

Lias Andersson‘s Sweat

Brad marchand’s tongue

A phalange

The director of mean girls

Two thirds of congress

The Jovian planets

30 lbs of baked ziti for the church

Pope Francis

An orthodontist

A mythical creature

My Lana del Rey vinyls

My vegan friend

My decaying cadavers

My sanity

My marbles

The hosts of American ninja warrior

Your coffin

Greenhouse gases

The set of family guy

Mariah Carey standees

Felix unger’s nose jobs

Saline spray

A nebulizer

Cocaine

A drug mule

My drug dealer

The entire north shore middle school

A blood bank

Monica

Six pounds of dog hair

A chandelier

Shattered glass

Annie Lennox

Katya Zamolodchikova’s inventory of mini hands

Pudding

The entire French encyclopedia

The Gupta empire

The Byzantine empire

Constantinople

Chandragupta’s tomb

Nonnas inventory of vegetti’s

Genghis khan’s countless wives

Chopped off penises of the Unics

8 headed Siamese twins

#im so sorry #we were weird ok #ive actually used glockenspiel #classical music

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ktrivia · 5 years

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All Men Dream

Bucky x Reader

Summary:

Reader is enhanced with the powers to enter dreams. She originally entered Captain America's dreams just to see if she could, but kept returning to them because she loved spending time in the 1940s ease of life in his idyllic versions of the time. But what happens when the good Captain figures out something is amiss?

Author’s Notes:

If you would like to be tagged in this story (I’m so excited that people actually want to read this) please send me a message!

Also let me know what you think of this chapter! I always love getting comments, questions, and theories!

I will be trying to post an update this week but I have to have a quick surgery done and may not be able to post!

Chapter 4

If you had asked me yesterday what I would be doing today, I would have told you that I’d go to work and then binge Netflix with Meatball at my side. Instead, I sat in the middle of a large, state of the art lab with electrodes attached to my head and chest and leather binds around my wrists. After Bucky’s brilliant idea to have me enter his and another Avenger’s dreams, or in this case their subconsciousness, I had been dragged through the compound, blindfolded, until we reached the lab. Throughout the march I could hear Steve interjecting with protests against Bucky’s plan, but the darker haired man just ignored his friend’s concerns.

Now that I sat in the chair, and more people gathered in the lab, my already frayed nerves became further taxed. I had never even thought of entering two consciousnesses at once and the thought of it terrified me. What if I couldn’t do it? What happens if I do?

When a red-headed woman walked in, Bucky immediately made his way over to her and pulled her aside to speak with her. After a few moments of hushed whispers, they then approached a man with dark blonde hair. The expressions on the three faces were grim and I could only assume that was because of me. After five more tense minutes, the trio approached where I was sitting. Bucky began his explanation.

“This is Wanda and Clint,” he introduced.

“Well I’d shake your hands, but this kinky fucker has strapped me down once again.”

Wanda’s shoulders shook as she tried to contain her laughter at my sarcasm, but the man named Clint remained silent. Ignoring my comment, except for an eye roll, Bucky continued.

“You’re going to go into Clint and I’s dreams. Both of us have experience with mind control and are the best candidates to do this.” He paused for a second. “Wanda reads minds. While you’re in our heads, she’s going into yours.” He waited quietly for my reaction. Rather than address him, I spoke to Wanda.

“Have you gone into someone’s head before?” I asked solemnly. Bucky looked shocked by the question and even stone-faced Clint seemed a little surprised. Rather than scold me for what apparently was a stupid question, Wanda responded seriously.

“Yes. Many times. I know the risks of entering one’s mind and how to avoid them as best as possible.” At here statement, and with another moment of visual assessment from me, I nodded and turned back to Bucky, so he could continue his explanation.

“While you’re in our heads, Bruce and Tony are going to observe our vitals and make sure nothing is going wrong health wise,” He told me with a nod to the two men who had hooked me up to the electrodes. Bruce was a new face to me, but I had been in one of Tony Stark’s dreams, without his knowledge of course, and seen his face plastered in the news countless times.

“Don’t worry Dream Weaver,” Tony said with a smirk, “we’ll keep an eye om everything from out here in case it goes wonky.”

“I’m so reassured,” I muttered back as I turned to face the trio in front of me again.

“We also want to see how your powers work, so you’re going to show us what you can do in our heads when you’ve connected us both. Got it?” Bucky asked. I nodded in affirmation as a bead of sweat formed on my forehead out of nervousness.

The doors to the lab opened and Steve walked in with who I could only assume was Sam Wilson. Like Tony, but on a lesser scale, I had seen Sam on TV doing the whole superhero thing before. The men were wheeling in two gurneys. This is where I assumed Clint and Bucky would lay, while I was strapped to another stupid chair. After they moved the portable beds into position, Steve signaled Sam to step outside for a moment to speak about something. I noticed Bucky Watching this, and the second the doors closed, he walked over to me and made a show of adjusting an electrode on my head.

“When we’re in there, don’t mention being in my dreams last night. It won’t end well for you if you do. Clint also doesn’t take well to mental manipulation of any kind and will end the test before Wanda gets a chance to see your intentions. If you really are innocent, then you want this test to last so Wanda can see that.” Bucky explained quietly. It dawned on me that he had waited for Steve to leave the room because he would have been able to hear Bucky speaking to me even in hushed tones. All I could do was give another nod of agreement as the weight of this test weighed on me further. If I couldn’t do this properly, then the Avengers would probably assume it as a sign of guilt, rather than an inability to perform the task they asked for.

When Sam and Steve returned to the room, Bucky straightened and walked over to one of the gurneys. Clint took this as a signal for him to do the same and both men laid down on the portable beds. Bruce and Tony made their way over to the two men and added electrodes, similar to mine, to their heads and chests. Bruce reached over to a desk next to the gurneys and pulled a box from it.

“I’m going to inject them with a sedative,” He explained while removing two syringes from the case. “I will let you know when they are completely unconscious.” I gave an affirmation as he handed Tony one of the syringes. Tony’s syringe seemed much smaller than Bruce’s, and I figured Bucky’s body required more sedative because of the whole super soldier deal. Without preamble both men stuck the needles into Bucky and Clint’s arms. The liquid was depressed and then the entire room waited.

Clint’s eyes closed first. I could see his heart rate monitor begin to slow as he slipped off into the world of sleep. Bucky was struggling to keep his eyes open, but finally they fluttered shut. At an unspoken command, Wanda moved to stand behind me.

“You may now enter Bucky’s mind. Once you do, I will enter yours.” She stated. I could see the stares of everyone in the room were on me. The only way to avoid them was to go into someone else’s head. As my eyes shut, I heard Captain America mutter something about killing me if I hurt his friends. Ah, how I loved threats before going to sleep.

Blackness surrounded me. The void was endless, and nothing was around me. The world was empty. Which meant I was in a mind with limited thought, or in this case, a sedated mind.

“Y/n,” Bucky called from behind me. I turned to face him and analyzed his facial expression. His face was blank as he instructed me to enter Clint’s mind. I shut my eyes and tried to quiet my mind. After using this power for so much of my life, I didn’t normally need to focus too hard on the mind I was entering, but this was an entirely different situation. One part of my mind was holding on to the tether I had with Bucky’s consciousness, while the other searched for Clint’s. At first, separating the two tasks seemed impossible, but after a few minutes of effort, I was able to vaguely feel Clint’s mind. I opened my eyes to check Bucky was still in front of me, and then closed them again to continue my process. Slowly, but surely, Clint’s mind became less of a blurry outline but a clear image that I could see. I pictured the two separate minds as strings which I could weave together slowly. When I opened my eyes again, a faded image of Clint, who seemed to be becoming less blurry, was in front of me too.

With a sigh of relief, I let a small smile appear on my lips before a grimace overcame it. A sharp stab of pain filled my head but was quickly gone. When I glanced at Bucky, I could see the space between his brows furrowed, potentially in worry I’d normally guess, but this wasn’t exactly a normal situation.

“Ok Y/N,” Clint called to get my attention. “Let’s see what this power of yours does.” I considered what to do first and decided to start with something easy. I changed the world around us to something relatively simple. The world now was an endless field of green grass with a shining sun and bright blue sky looking down on us. The two men seemed confused as the scenery probably looked familiar. The reason for that was that it was literally the windows default screen background. The screensaver was something I’d seen a thousand times and didn’t have too many intricate pieces within it. Clint made a grunt of approval and asked what else was possible.

After a moment of thought, another man appeared next to our group. A loud guffaw escaped Bucky as he took in the image of Captain America in his original suit, smiling broadly with his hands on his hips. In the style of the school PSA’s he did, he said:

“So, you’ve found yourself trapped in the middle of a field in a dream. That is a real pickle boys and girls, but with some hard work, and lots of fruits and vegetables, I think we can make it through.” The image paused and went still after he finished talking. Bucky was still grinning and after a minute, Clint finally gave in and started laughing hysterically.

“Alright kid,” He said with a smile, “if your sense of humor is good even in this situation, then you may be just be ok. Really fucked up, but ok.” I smiled softly at his statement, but my smile didn’t last very long. Even though the temperature in this dreamworld was probably a comfortable seventy degrees, I could feel myself begin to sweat. As Clint decided to start poking the fake Steve Rogers, and move his arm to make it look like he was picking his nose, Bucky made his way over to me.

“You doing ok?” He questioned with concern on his face.

“I’m fine,” I grunted out. I didn’t want to show weakness in front of these men or Wanda, who I knew was present even if I couldn’t see her.

“Alright Clint,” I stated getting his attention. “Shall we continue with this little tour of dreamland?” Clint stopped his poking around and agreed.

“I can remember any dream I’ve been in perfectly. So, I can also go to any setting from past dreams that I want. Like this.” With a snap of my fingers, the scenery changed and we were in the middle of the ice cream shop from Steve’s dreams. Clint seemed confused at the change but Bucky immediately realized where we were.

“Holy shit,” he muttered. “This is from Steve’s dream. It has to be. We came here all the time as kids.” Bucky walked over to the counter with a look of awe on his face as he took in the familiar surroundings further. When he sat down, I froze the world around us. Clocks stopped ticking, people stood frozen in place, drops of melted ice cream stayed suspended in mid air instead of hitting the floor. The only thing that still occurred was the soft music playing from the record player in the corner. Clint raised a questioning eyebrow at my choice.

“I don’t like silence. Being in a dream with no sound is absolutely silent and it can be a bit maddening.” I explained, recalling walking around in other dreams with nothing around me but a deafening silence.

“Here,” I said and with a wave of my hand, a scoop of ice cream appeared in front of both men. Bucky began digging into the frozen treat immediately while Clint seemed hesitant.

“It’s fine Clint,” I said. “It’s not like fairy world where eating the food there kills you. I’m just showing you that all of your senses work here.” With a hesitant expression, Clint took a tiny taste of his ice cream. His eyes shut, and a small moan escaped his mouth.

“Shit that is the best ice cream I’ve ever had.”

“Told you the forties were great,” Bucky mumbled through a full mouth. I let out a little laugh at his speaking with his mouth full, and at that sound Bucky seemed to grow concerned again.

“Are you sure you’re ok doll?” He asked. “You’re starting to get a bit pale.” I glanced at the mirrored back of the bar and saw what he meant. The color had mostly drained from my face and all that was left was an ashen appearance.

“I’m fine. Let’s just move on,” I said as I stood from the chair. When I got to my feet, a rush of dizziness swept over me and I began to sway. Strong arms grabbed my shoulders to steady me and I felt the cool hold of a metal one grip my chin to lift my head.

“Y/n!,” Bucky said sternly. I hadn’t realized it, but my eyes were beginning to close. I tried to keep them open as he spoke.

“You need to wake up now.” At his instruction my eyes flashed open. I couldn’t wake up yet. I didn’t know what would happen if I didn’t separate Clint and Bucky’s consciousnesses from one another.

“No,” I mumbled. “Clint needs to wake up.” The world around us faded into endless black again as I focused on Clint. I froze him in place and began trying to unwind the threads of consciousness between his and Bucky. Slowly, the strings began to disentangle themselves, but I could feel myself fading fast. Pushing my mind harder, I focused solely on the separation and finally was able to command Clint to wake up. With only Bucky left in the dreamworld with me, and the feeling of his arms holding me upright, everything went dark.

Tag list (Please message me if you would like to be added to it):

@paradisiacalsparks @cals-cigarette @searchingforbucky @mavelfanatic @some-person-somewhere @marvel-th @unfortunately-im-awake @jessicakimba @fandom-addict-aesthetics @simplysaying @spnsquirrel @bxrnsfeyson @magnolialikes @buckyinantarctica @fluffymadamina @willowtree42095 @horsesandwolvesaremyanimals @pieofawkwardness @mirajanestrauss987 @nerdypisces160

#bucky barnes #bucky #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #clint #hawkeye #bucky fic #all men dream #clint barton #steve rogers #sam wilson #scarlet witch #tony stark #wanda maximoff #iron man #bruce banner #hulk #fanfic

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zed-air · 5 years

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On the Road: The Wurst of Times - 2018

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Ever since my first visit to Germany back in 2010, I’ve been a sausage nut. In subsequent years, I’ve taken greater pleasure eating them. When my family revisited Europe in 2017, I made a sausage adventure of it (see THE WURST OF TIMES - 2017).

I didn’t travel as extensively this year. My stops in Toronto and Ottawa were, sadly, frank free. I did however make a whirlwind one-day trip to Calgary. So, looking at Calgary and Edmonton, here are THE WURST OF TIMES - 2018 (Alberta edition).

- - - - -

Tubby Dog, Calgary

Pros: lots of variety, great atmosphere, conversation pieces

Cons: some menu items more fun than delicious, can be hard to eat

Cost: mid-to-high

Tubby Dog is legendary amongst Albertans of my generation, and probably the next generation as well. It’s a concert venue, a small arcade, and a purveyor of obscene, mutant hot dogs. I’ve eaten there 3-4 times over the last decade, and I try to visit whenever I come to town.

That being said, I always leave a bit disappointed. Not because I won’t get another fix for who knows how long, but because their pre-fab menu is actually kind of underwhelming. Tubby Dog’s claim to fame is in its bounty of franks overloaded with unorthodox toppings. More often than not, these make the actual experience of eating the dog problematic, but they also skew the flavours out of balance with each other. I’m all for weird toppings, you still need to be able to eat and taste the thing.

They do offer a “Choose Your Own Adventure” option (build your own), which I should probably stick to henceforth. Here (above right) is a loaded CYOA with cheese, bacon, and a few other items I can’t identify. That one belonged to my companion. Mine (above left) is their “Sumo” dog, with Japanese mayo, wasabi, pickled ginger, seaweed salad, and sesame seeds - all things I enjoy, but which are piled to such a degree that you can’t eat them along with the rest of the dog. As a result, you basically end up discarding the toppings, or eating them separately from the frank. Not ideal. If they just scaled-back some of the toppings, you could enjoy it all together.

Below was my second frank. I think this is a “Harlo” (bacon, cheese, mustard, relish). I wasn’t aware it used liquid jalapeño cheese (which I don’t enjoy) instead of the same grated cheese shown above, and it rather ruined it for me.

Tubby Dog - I’ll be back, but next time I’m building my own.

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IKEA

Pros: very cheap, veggie options, echoes Scandinavian polsen & pylsa

Cons: few options, tiny foodstuff, can’t build your own hot dog... at IKEA

Cost: bargain

In 2018, IKEA began offering a veggie dog at its cafeterias. This in itself isn’t newsworthy, but note all those interesting extra toppings. The veggie dogs come loaded with pickled veggies, as well as crunchy onions and some kind of sauce resembling Icelandic remoulade. In fact, the whole object sort of resembles a mutant Icelandic pylsa - a beloved foodstuff.

Sadly, most of the toppings were pretty flavourless, and the sausage substitute was more a rough paste than a solid wiener. I might try it again sometime, but I left underwhelmed. I wish you could get these toppings as an option on their regular hot dogs. Maybe that combo would produce stronger results.

Still, these were better than any of the ghastly hot dogs I ate in Stockholm.

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Costco

Pros: very cheap, includes fountain drink, substantial foodstuff

Cons: can be greasy, can be old during slow periods

Cost: bargain

Arguably, the most dependable spot for a hot dog ‘round these parts remains Costco’s cafeteria. That being said, not all Costco sausage experiences are created equal - occasionally you’ll get one that’s disappointing. Trouble is, you don’t know which you’ve got until you commence chowing down.

I’ve been shopping at Costco for nearly 30 years - which is unusual in this area. I remember back when the only other customers were convenience-store owners, vending-machine proprietors, independent restauranteurs, and other resellers. Now it’s mostly suburban families. Times change.

In my youth, my dad would buy us their delicious Polish Sausages. This is back when the only items in the cafeteria were soda and two varieties of hot dog. It was a cheap meal that remained a ritual which we all enjoyed for years. Sometime in the late 1990s, before the menu began expanding, the Polish Sausages vanished. Fast forward a few years, Costco expanded their cafeteria menu, switched from Coke to Pepsi (tragic), and eventually re-introduced a Polish Sausage option. Since changing to Pepsi, I’m certain other menu items have changed origins, because most items taste different to how they used to.

The new Polish sausages (above) have a greyer hue, probably due to their higher black pepper and garlic content. I like both of those things, but I don’t like the end result so much. I usually stick to the standard hot dog instead (below).

The best part of Costco’s franks remains the steamed buns, which are an afterthought with most hot dog vendors but are arguably as important as the sausage to me. They’ve also increased their condiment options now. I usually add raw onions, because the sausages, though boiled, are on the greasy side. They also need some kind of sauce to cut the grease, Usually I’m stuck with ketchup, because they don’t have any decent mustards available. The radioactive yellow mustard they do offer spoils the experience by overwhelming all other flavours and guaranteeing prolonged heartburn.

Compare sausages below. With onions: hot dog. With mustard: Polish.

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IT’ Dog

Pros: pretzel buns, lots of options, also fried chicken available

Cons: bewildering options, can be hard to eat

Cost: high

The best hot dog I ate in 2018 was at IT’ Dog.

I’ve eaten at IT’ Dog in Garneau once or twice previously. Last time was back in the days when my dad was being hospitalized. Theirs aren’t traditional hot dogs, but rather Korean mutations of hot dogs. I remember enjoying the food, but that it was expensive.

I ordered this one while killing time waiting for my bus to work. When I saw it, I decided it was safer to stay and eat it straightaway rather than risk transporting a mess. I don’t remember its name, but it comes with bulgogi beef, cheese, green onions, topped with fried shrimp and encased in a pretzel bun. The pretzel bun is genius and delicious.

You can debate if this creation qualifies as a hot dog. I tend to prefer simple preparations. This is another one overloaded with wacky toppings, but everything tasted good. I should really try them again sometime when I’m not bound elsewhere.

______

Fat Franks

Pros: convenient (when nearby), sometimes an abundance of condiments

Cons: stale buns, can be dodgy during slow periods, inconsistent

Cost: mid-priced

The worst hot dog I had in 2018, surprisingly, was from Fat Franks - a local Edmonton chain of portable hot dog carts strewn throughout the city, with a few permanent locations. You’ll often find them set up at farmers’ markets and outdoor events. It’s nearly guaranteed that the Whyte Ave location will be inexplicably closed should I visit, regardless of business hours. On average, their hot dogs are reasonably good. Sometimes they’re great, and other times not. The buns will nearly always be stale.

One day, I was driving past the Terwillegar Farmers’ Market, which I’d never visited previously. I didn’t realize the market wasn’t yet opened to the public. Given that we’d already detoured to investigate, my daughter and I wandered around the area waiting for the opening, because by then we’d already committed to getting a hot dog. Sadly, my eventual prize was the worst Fat Franks dog I’ve ever had. The bun was criminally stale, far more than usual. Worse still, I found a substantial piece of plastic in my food while chewing it - origins unknown. My daughter enjoyed her hot dog and couldn’t understand my problems. Better it happen to me than her.

I don’t think I’ve bought a Fat Franks since, but I’ll probably eat one again someday. I doubt I’d bother revisiting that market or vendor again, though.

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