#turned against me and makes me feel stupid and invalidates me and makes me never wanna ask for anything for myself ever again god i just. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

surielstea · 3 months

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Adoration | Drabble

Based on this request.

Pairing: Cassian x Fem!Reader

Summary: Cass comforts reader who is struggling with her reflection after giving birth.

Warnings: Body image issues | fluff

1k words

A/N: YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENT CAN DISRESPECTFULLY FUCK OFF. (Said in a loving way) 💙💙

Finding an outfit for dinner with the Inner Circle turned out to be the most challenging task I've been given today. I stood in front of the full length mirror with a woeful frown on my face.

The navy blue dress I wore was beautiful on the hanger but on me it just, wasn't right. I couldn't place exactly what it was about me but I couldn't find it in myself to feel pretty anymore. The material sat wrong on my skin and the color washed my complexion out. I felt mediocre, at best.

"Mother spare me." My mate voices from the doorway and I startled, flicking my eyes to him in the mirror and crossing my arms over my chest.

"I know, I should change." I mumble, thinking it stupid of me for even attempting to wear something so bold.

"What— why would you change?" He creases his dark brows, clearly confused. I turn to him, letting my arms fall to my sides.

"I look bad." I shrug and he blinks, gazing at me like I'm insane.

"You? Look bad?" He asked as if the idea was preposterous, his tone utterly aghast.

"Yeah." I sigh and walk over to the armoire, opening the doors of the wardrobe.

"Sweetheart, you're the most beautiful female I've ever seen." He walks further into the bedroom, our daughter cooing in her crib as he passed by her.

"You're only saying that because I'm your mate." I grumble, shuffling through the racks of clothing I no longer had any confidence to wear.

"No, before we were even mated I thought the same." He argues and I swivel, looking straight up at him.

"That was before I had Ellia." I gesture towards the crib beside me. His eyes go wide in shock and he glances towards the babbling babe then back to me, hazel now full of pure warmth.

"That only makes you more beautiful," His expression softens as he brings his large calloused hands up to my cheeks. "You look just like her, that's more than I could've asked for." He utters, his thumbs stroking the sides of my cheeks.

"It's not about my face." I murmur, crossing my arms over my torso again.

"What? Your body?" He arches a brow. I give a slight dip of my head. "My love, I'd never want to invalidate how you feel but, c'mon, this is foolish." His hands leave my cheeks and go to my shoulders, running down my arms and dipping to my hips. "Ive seen you decapitate men twice my size, you're the last Valkyrie standing and you're letting this get you down?" He tilts his head and I tear my gaze from his, turning back around toward the clothes.

"I know, It's dumb." I huff, finally finding an all black dress that wasn't tight in any unflattering places.

"It's not dumb, I'm sorry," he wraps his arms around my waist, my back flush against his chest. "You birthed a living child less than a month ago, do you know how much I admire you because of that?" He asks and I can't help but melt into his warmth. "The fact you can think so lowly of yourself is insanity, you're the most beautiful female I've ever seen." He reiterates, his strong arms tightening around me. "I love you, okay?" He hums into my hair and I nod.

"I love you too." My hands rest on his, running my thumb over a small scar on the back of his palm. He presses a hard kiss to my temple and he takes the black dress from my hold, hanging it back up on the rack. "Leave this on." His hands drift down to my hips. "I want to take it off of you later." He hums, pressing his lips to the side of my jaw and I roll eyes at the comment.

"You're ridiculous." I shake my head, but close the doors of the armoire anyways and let him have what he wants.

"Conceiving another child could take years, I want Ellia to have a sibling." He shrugs and I scoff turning to look up at him.

"You're a very dedicated male." I rise onto the tips of my toes to peck his lips. "And also forgetful that we can't do whatever we want anymore." I intone, bending down over the edge of the crib and picking the murmuring babe up. She wore a frilly dark red dress, matching her father's siphons.

"I can find a babysitter, maybe Az is free..." He wonders absentmindedly and I giggle. "We've both learned from experience that Az isn't a very good chaperone." I croon, rocking the child in my arms. "No, uncle Az isn't good at watching people is he my sweet?" I coo at Ellia in a high-pitched voice and she reaches towards me, her small fist clenching, trying to grab my nose. I smile and kiss her forehead.

I look back up to Cassian and he's staring at me like I hung every star in the night sky, pure adoration and devotion in those swirling hazel eyes, staring at the two most important people in his life. "Thank you Cassian." I speak lightly. His eyes flick down to the child in my arms then back up to me.

"Don't ever thank me." He shakes his head, taking the girl from my arms as I pass her to him. She was so much smaller in his grasp, she made him look like an absolute giant. "And you, my heart," He kisses his daughter on the cheek, a wide smile spreads over her lips. "You don't even thank me for anything either." He hums, matching her cheeky grin.

"C'mon, we're going to be late." I say, wrapping my arm around his bicep. "Fine with me," He purrs, leaning down and kissing up my jaw. "Cass, Rhys will kill me if we don't show up again." I playfully punch his abdomen and he backs away.

"Alright fine." He sighs, readjusting the child to be held in one arm so he can intertwine his freehand with mine. "But we're only staying for dinner. I was serious about that sibling thing."

Taglist: @fxckmiup @olive-main @iluvyewman-blog @gaymistakeboi @glam-targaryen @going-through-shit @fauxdette @impossibelle @amara-moonlight @webecheesy-blog

Comment a “💙” to be added to the general taglist!

Comment a “🖤” to be added to the Azriel taglist!

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #fanfic #sarah j maas #x reader #cassian x fem!reader #cassian x reader #cassian #acotar fluff #fluff #comfort fic #comfort #drabble #writing #lord of bloodshed #suriels tea

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pinkandpurple360 · 1 month

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this is small compared to the other actually harmful issues with this show but im still bitter viv turned ozzie into a dumbass to make stolas look smarter. like dude he is one of the oldest characters he runs a factory and a business and a realm has multiple degrees in his office but cant fucking proof a contract or realize a video is a recording? like i guess the point was to show he’s reckless + impatient but to me it didnt come through it just made him look stupid and weak. get this man out of this show. (same with striker, who was also turned into an idiot to bolster stolas. and stella. or anyone really. ozzie is just the one on my mind rn)

Character shilling destroys series. Everyone’s personalities and characters are altered to uphold stolas Goetia, everyone’s feelings are invalidated by the narrative as wrong, except his. And his emotions are the focal point of the entire narrative

Blitzø being a thief is suddenly the biggest crime one can commit, he needs to change his personality because he hurt stolas, and needs to be the knight stolas wants, to redeem himself and for his family and friends to stop hating him.

Moxxie now worships monarch, is extremely obedient and subservient to his highness, despite being a selfish greedy authoritarian just like his father crimson.

Millie is a fujoshi and now really cares that the prince never gets hurt and is very worried about him when he does. She doesn’t mind when he abuses and intimidates her her husband and her boss.

Loona suddenly has immense empathy for stolas and wants his daughter to keep giving him chances. Despite the fact she has never spoken to either of these people.

Fizz despite being hostile to stolas and being the one to point out that he ruined his own family for sex and witnessed him be ashamed of it, despite being abused by a royal demon in an extremely similar manner, now capes for him and says bigotry against the rich is bad.

Asmodeus who was also hostile and very sharp, is now illiterate and slow, he needs stolas to stick around watching his messages, explains to him what a contract is, and to read words for him.

Strikers grievances with being a working class man oppressed by a monarchy are resorted to “supremacy” (an extremely racist conservative message seems to have snuck in this ‘queer’ show!) and guess what royal striker has an enemy in?

Stella only exists to hurt the owls feelings as well. Her being a child bride aint a big deal.

Octavia is just hysterical and ungrateful

Verosika and stolas are now besties despite also, being hostile at first.

Did I miss anyone?

#helluva boss critical #stolas critical #the creators pet

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multifandomslxt · 1 year

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hiii i see chubby reader with seventeen?? 🫣

i don’t know your limit but if ot13 isnt possible (idc how long it takes really) then could you write vocal team (+minghao cause huge simp :/) finding a short party dress/bottoms in s/o’s closet that they never wore due to insecurities and they convince them to wear it in their own way 🤭

Vocal team + Minghao

Jeonghan

Found the dress he bought you for your birthday at the back of your closet and confronts you about it.

First off he’d be sad…poor baby thought you didn’t like it and didn’t want to tell him

“You don’t have to hide it you know. You can tell me you hate it”

Sadness turns into confusion when you tell him you only hid it because you don’t think it’ll look good on you

“What? How does that even make sense?”

“I bought it with you in mind”

Long story short you quite literally guilt trips you into wearing it and now half your closet is short dresses and extremely short skirts

He swears it’s only for you to build your confidence but yk it’s also because he likes your legs

Also…something about how your thighs rub together and double in size when you sit down makes him want to fuck you against every surface.

Joshua

Pleaseee

He practically ran to you for an explanation as to why the $3000 dress he bought you was still in a shopping bag in your closet

“Is it the colour that throws you off?”

Refuses to accept that you don’t want to wear it because you’re insecure

Does some cliche shit

Makes you put it on and pulls you in front of the mirror

“Look how gorgeous you look baby”

While he grips your love handles and kisses your neck

Makes eye contact with you in the mirror and seriously tells you

“Don’t speak about yourself like that again do you hear me princess?”

Woozi

I’m so sorry but

Woozi wouldn’t care that he found the dress he bought you at the back of your closet😭

He would probably think that you’re waiting on the right time to wear it

However

When you mention that maybe he should get a refund

Man’s confused asf

he bought the dress because it was in your shopping cart for weeks

So he knew you liked it

“What do mean you don’t want it to show your back rolls?”

“I think that’d be hot”

Like seriously the man does not understand you

“Okayyyy…”

Honestly you end up wearing the dress because he somehow convinces you that those feelings you have towards your body are stupid and therefore invalid.

And also because he loves your back rolls.

Makes you look soft and fluffy.

He’s obsessed he can’t help it.

don’t do that to him

He’ll cry

Really all that can be written here is that he makes you feel bad

Guilty

Also guilt tips you into wearing the dress without even saying anything

Hugs and tears

Is all you’re getting from this man

Seungkwan

Nope

He ain’t having it

He’s cussing you out

“Girl…”

Like a mother nagging her child really😭

“Put the damn dress on so you can see what the fuck I’m talking about”

Folds like a Nokia flip when you do put the dress on

Practically kisses the floor you’re standing on

“How can you not see how fucking breathtaking you areeee”

Every morning he makes you say a mantra

“I am healthy , I am wealthy ,I am rich, I am that bitch.”

Minghao

Y’all fucking

End of story😭

I’m sorry.

When you tell him why the limited edition dress he bought you is in your closet untouched

He practically jumps you

Throws the dress in you direction and fucks you in it

Standing

In front of a mirror

Makes you keep eye contact in the mirror

With each thrust he’s telling you to apologize to yourself

Because no s/o of his will walk around here with that type of mentality

Pinches your nipple through the fabric of the dress when he’s done

“Next time you say something like that I’m fucking you where everyone can see”

#svt scenarios #svt imagines #svt instagram #svt fanfic #svt x reader #svt fluff #svt reactions #svt joshua #svt smut #svt jeonghan #svt minghao #svt dk #svt seungkwan #svt woozi #svt headcanons #multifandomslxt

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samijami · 1 year

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Sigh… you assholes will never learn that wishing death on people you hate is absolutely stupid. No matter how much you say that you wish her misery and angst, JKR will always be known to all the world as an amazing woman who stood up for the rights of both genders, all races, all sexualities, and the validity of biological sex 🥰 You’ll never shut up about your shit opinion of her and you’ll harass her amazing supporters and HP fans. Bye bye you’re invalid 😘

I'm sorry I posted reblog bait about a lego and that it so dearly offended you,

But it is not my problem that you feel that way.

I never wished death upon her, I'd never wish death on anyone. I'm not like some people, or entire political groups. I'm just a teenager on the internet.

And also, by your 'statement' here, you are pretending that: biological sexes are disregarded and majorly viewed upon as invalid and I was saying that, there are only two genders (use of 'both genders'), biological sexes are the minority and not transgender people, JK Rowling is not being openly misogynistic and sexist by being a TERF who states that transgender woman are more stronger than 'regular' woman and cannot participate in woman's sports because, by the fact that her biological sex was a man, she is stronger and therfore better in sports than a biologically born woman. JK is also, to you, clearly a human rights advocate who's such a Goddess to mankind! And totally not denying the basic human rights we, as transgendered peoples, deserve as much as cisgendered peoples.

Now, as you decide to shove words into my mouth and make very based assumptions on the small statement 'Everytime this gets reblogged, JK Rowling steps on a lego', you give me my opportunity to actually be serious. Thanks for turning a joke into both a political and basic human rights violation argument.

From a 15 year old.

I've never harassed anyone, for one, I made a joke. Some people laughed at it; so sorry you can't handle the internet.

And she's not known as an 'amazing woman who stood up for' blah blah B U L L S H I T. She's denying basic human rights and campaigning against them. She wants trans people to be obsolete; gone.

How'd she feel if she was the minority? Which she is NOT.

Also, I never said anything about Harry Potter fans, but allow me to get into that!

Supporting Harry Potter = supporting JK.

JK stated that an enemy in Harry Potter (I don't remember who the group was), who murdered people and 'hid their true selves for a long while' or whatever, and were really bad people in the story; and murderers for that matter, were direct representations of transgender people. She said transgender people are all just murderers trying to shove their identities on cis people, when in truth, we just want y'all to let us have human rights and to stop fucking killing us.

The amount of dehumanization of transgender people and even just neglect of LGBTQIA+ in general that is presented in HP is enough to say, I don't like nor support HP fans.

I will not harass anyone, and I will not argue with anyone for simply liking the series. But when they spout this shit is when I know, all of you HP fans are the same. Praising your Goddess JK Rowling and claiming transphobic statements-acting as if you're completely in the right for your own shitty opinions and calling ours shitty. Being hand in hand with those wishing death and conducting genocide on minorities, then telling the minority that is what they are doing to you. Being the first to harass the other and claiming they're harassing you.

Just being a bitch and trying to use your own gaslighiting to make the minority look as if they're in the wrong.

Is that what you all do?

That's rhetorical. I don't need an answer. I already know.

Stop hiding behind your anon.

And please block me if you share this shitty opinion of yours. Please fucking block me.

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nikethestatue · 9 months

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I'm thinking of leaving this fandom too. Honestly, I truly loved and enjoyed meeting fellow Elriels. One of the kindest and brilliant people I've met online. I've been in this fandom for years now, even before acosf came out. But I can't deal with the general acotar fandom now, and sadly, no matter how much I loved all the Elriel/Feysand contents, and friends here, it's not enough anymore.

I didn't signed up for this. I didn't signed up for the constant bullying, name calling, slut shaming, misogyny, victim blaming, pitting women against each other and etc., I didn't know the fandom will turn out like this, like a true hell for someone who only wanted a break from real life. I'd like to blame acosf because most of the misogynistic take started after it was released.

I didn't signed up for all the dumb takes. Honestly now? I felt SO ashamed of being part of this fandom. I was friends with someone on the other fandom when some people from acotar fandom started making fun of the characters from the other fandom and they started comparing unprovoked. It was so embarrassing that even though I am not mutuals with those people, I still ended up telling my friend I'm not in this fandom anymore.

I didn't signed up for idiocracy or delusions. No, all the takes that gets crazier everyday? No matter how much I convinced myself that it was funny and time will come when they'll be proven wrong and would leave this fandom (because most of them hate what sjm writes/loves. They hate Feysand, they hate the IC, they hate everyone but the two characters) it's not working anymore. It felt like "wow, really, I'm in the same fandom of people who actually think (or better yet not using their minds over a simple fun series) like this?" I hate to be categorized with these people.

I didn't signed up to lowkey get called stupid because apparently I don't have a degree on literature, fashion, or whatever. I hate how I saw a woman in this fandom dragging women down because they have "big job and helps to fight misogyny, what are you doing? I'm above you." when she's the most misogynistic person everyone ever met.

The arguments are repetitive, most posts are the same or just being aggressive. I'm actually just staying on tumblr for the fanfics and theories now but like what I said, the negative side of this fandom wins, and it's so so toxic for me.

Acotar fandom are full of misogynistic people (not all, but most) and they are even proud of it. You will see it on every tiktok, Instagram, Reddit, fb and Twitter posts (especially if it's about Feyre, Elain, Mor, N&C), you'd see the horrible comments against women characters and downplay their nasty behavior as "its just fiction" well yes, but considering how they act like this? What more in real life?

You can't have a decent argument here or have the chance to clear your name because the next thing you know everyone will post you on their Instagram Stories or blog with all their thousands of followers to see and they'll proceed to shun out an entire group.

Oh let me say that even acotar Reddit isn't a safe space for everyone. Not unless you stan Tamlin, Lucien, Eris or Azriel. There are people from Facebook who also infiltrates the elriel group and made fun of us on the comments. This fandom is a shitshow.

And yes, since I'm already in this, I hate how someone would literally badmouth elriels to ARTISTS. Who'd tell horrible things to the point where artists refuse to take comms or draws the ship. I was so baffled when I learned this from a friend. Like really? How petty can people be in this fandom?

It never felt safe anymore. And our feelings? Invalid. Only some group of people in this fandom has a say.

It's like suddenly after acosf, we're suddenly invaded by 5 years old who thinks being a gIrlboSs is cute.

And sadly maybe this is like my goodbye letter to this fandom. (Not to Feysand & Elriel, but I'll just connect when acotar 5 is released) It was such a great ride at first, but suddenly became cancer.

I don't have the heart to actually post this on my blog. I stopped answering anons because I'm slowly distancing myself.

I hope to have another pre acosf days, or better days where acotar readers doesn't compare traumas, wanted a woman character to suffer/punished, doesn't put value on women based on their womb, people who thinks they are above everyone and have to hate on female characters in general.

Ps: when acotar 5 drops, I'll never ever think twice on visiting acotar fandom again (but would never say bye to my friends)

I honestly admire you and the other OGs for staying here for so long. I know what you all went through silently in this fandom, and I admire the strength and class on how you all handled it.

That's all, thanks for reading this. (I'll surely miss sending you anon asks about acotar stuffs lol, I love your response everytime)

Oh Anon. Yes. To all of this.

It's a sad anon, not gonna like, it was hard to read it, because it's so very true.

It's been eye-opening, being in this fandom, as someone who kind of older and been around the block a few times. I thought that something's changed. That women talking about women's changed. That women thinking about women's changed. That we've been fighting the same battles. That we were kind of past appearances, hobbies, inclinations, abilities, and we were going to be accepting and kind towards other women. Nope. Not so much.

That's been the most shocking thing for me to witness in these past few years. The intense cruelty that women are willing to subject other women to...over a book. Over a character. It's weird. And if you are not in it, you wouldn't actually believe it. But it's true.

I think it's the anonymity of online existence that allows people to be like that. Or maybe it's like the Salem Witch trials--young girls being cruel to others only to be heard. Accusing and acting out for attention. Maybe things haven't changed all that much.

I will stay because I have to see this thing through. I think the next ACOTAR book will be announced sooner than we think.

But after it's done, after Elain's book is done, I'll be off faster than a prom dress.

(if you feel comfortable, tell me who you are, so if I don't see you, I know you left)

Hugs. Be in a place that's good for you and your soul and your psyche.

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gripefroot · 1 year

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NEW FIC PREVIEW

Crooked Ways, a Bulma x Vegeta fanfic.

Summary: Abandoned by her friends to ride out the years until the Androids appear on her own, Bulma has never felt so useless. Like a Capsule Corp spaceship left to drift in space forever after running out of fuel. Meanwhile Vegeta, her erstwhile tenant, steps his princely attitude over the line a few too many times. At least bickering with him makes her feel less alone.

This wasn’t the first time the woman had insisted on treating him like an invalid by smearing him in salves and bandages until his range of movement was so limited that even Raditz could take him down in this condition. It was, however, the first time she’d done so since That Kiss on the couch (already an event deserving of capital letters in his mind.) Try as he might, Vegeta, sitting on the edge of his bed with Bulma’s breasts too close to his face to relax, couldn’t manage to entirely ignore her sweet, slightly smoky scent washing over him as she wrapped a bandage around his shoulder.

“Ouch!” he barked, more for show than actual pain. It got Bulma to back up a bit, anyway.

“So sorry!” Her tone indicated that she was anything but sorry. Vegeta scowled back, and she stuck out her tongue before grabbing another bandage from the basket she’d brought in.

“If you’re hurt, I’m not returning the favor,” he stated, lifting his elbow when she pushed on it. The cut on the back of his arm stung when she touched it, and he hissed.

“I’m not hurt,” Bulma said quietly. Her hair brushed against his bare chest. She’d insisted that he strip the top of his suit so she could better reach his injuries. A mistake, clearly. Vegeta hid his relief in a dismissive grunt. “Thanks to you,” she added, so snidely that he immediately knew that she wasn’t actually thanking him. “Why did you do that, anyway?”

“What, save your life?”

“Yes!” Her knees planted on the bed next to him, giving her more leverage. He looked away, wondering if she was doing that with her breasts on purpose.

“So that you’d be alive to fix all the mistakes you made,” he said. “Whatever you did that made those robots go haywire.”

“They didn’t go haywire. You turned your back on them.”

“My mistake, wasn’t it?” Vegeta winced, squirming a bit while Bulma tied off the bandage on his arm. His back screamed in protest, even with the creamy salve she’d spread over his skin. An event he hoped not to repeat, at least not while she had a front row seat to the growing situation between his legs.

“Dad would have fixed it,” Bulma pointed out. She hopped off the bed, rummaging through the basket.

“If he didn’t kill me for letting his daughter be ripped to shreds by her own invention.” Vegeta felt her hand shove his head to the side, and he grumbled out a bleat of protest that went ignored. The stinging cold that went through his skin indicated a shallow at his hairline, which she wiped clean none to gently. Not that he deserved gentleness.

“Is that why you were crouching over me like a wolf protecting its hunted spoils from other predators?” she asked with a bratty lilt to her voice that he knew was for his benefit. He huffed.

“The only spoil you are is a brat!”

“I didn't ask you to save me!”

“You don't have to ask!”

The room went quiet. Hairs raising on the back of his neck, and with nothing to do with his injuries, Vegeta could have cursed himself for saying something so stupid. He didn’t want to look, but he peeked a glance at Bulma’s face anyway: her eyes widened in surprise, her lips parted with an inhale of breath he could hear far too well.

#vegebul #bulma x vegeta #bulma briefs #dbz #dbs

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wonderland-girl143-blog · 2 years

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Nancy finds out about Steve and Eddie. In hopes of braking them up and getting Steve back she tells his parents. Which leads everyone to find out and help piece Steve back together with the help of music

———————————————————————————

Chapter 1

Steve stands with his head in his hands at the counter of Family Video. He has about 2 hours before his shift is over and is bored out of his mind. Robin had the day off, so it was just him on this boring Tuesday. All he wanted was to go home, change and go see his boyfriend Eddie.

All he can picture is sitting curled up on the couch with Eddie watching some stupid horror movie he loves. Running his fingers through Eddie’s hair as he braids it and pass a joint or two between them.

The ringing of the bell above the door brings him out of his thoughts.

Looking up saying “welcome to Family-. Oh hey Nance!” Spotting Nancy coming through the door by herself. She’s wearing a flowery skirt and a white tank top.

“Hey Steve!” She greats brightly. She glances around the store to see if anyone was in. “Can I talk to you?”

Steve tilts his head with a confused expression. “Sure Nancy. What’s up?”

She steps up to the counter and leans against it. She has a shy expression on her face and is blushing hard. She starts rubbing a finger up and down Steve’s arm. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight. We could go back to your place and watch a movie or something.” She gives him a sultry smile.

Steve sees were this is going and cringes. Ever since Johnathan and her broke up a few months after the whole Vecna and upside down shit she’s been trying to get back with Steve. No one knows about Eddie and him yet. It’s still pretty new. They have only been dating since October and haven’t quite told everyone yet. Don’t get him wrong a few people knew like the kids and Robin, but that was only because they forgot the kids were coming over for movie night at Steve’s and walked into Eddie and him making out on the couch. Robin knew from the beginning because well she’s his platonic with a capital p soulmate and helped with his bisexual crisis a few months before Eddie and him got together.

Steve backs away from the counter crosses his arm and sighs why rubbing his face. “Look Nancy we’ve had this conversation before. I’m not interested. Your one of my friends and that’s it. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Frowning she stands up straight and crosses her arms. “Oh come onSteve. We both know that’s a lie. What about your dream of six little nuggets and me by your side why we travel across the country?”

“Nancy enough! I am seeing someone! I am not interested in getting back with you!” Steve says firmly.

“What! Who? I am so much better then whatever bimbo bitch you are dating.” Rolling her eyes

“No your not! I love him, so let it go!” Steve screams. Noticing the shocked expression on Nancy’s face and realizing what he just said. He hadn’t even told Eddie he loved him yet and now just blurted out to his ex-girlfriend and ratted himself out about his relationship.

“Him?” Nancy says.

Taking a deep breathe “yes him. I’m bi Nancy.”

“Oh my god. Who is it?”

“I’m not telling you that. It’s not my place to-“

The bell above the door goes off and the snap their heads to see who just came in.

“Hey Stevie baby-“ looking up Eddie realizes they aren’t alone like he thought. “Oh shit.”

Nancy’s jaw is hanging open and she looking in between Eddie and Steve who is pinching the bridge of his nose with his hand on his hip shaking his head. They all stand there quite for a minute.

Nancy snaps her mouth shut with a pissed of look on her face and turns to Steve. “Fucking Eddie? You have got to be fucking kidding me. I am so much better then that freak!”

“Shut your mouth Nancy! Before I shut it for you. You are not better then him. He never makes me feel like an idiot or makes my feeling feel invalid. He gives a shit about my interest and always makes sure I am enjoying myself on out dates. Makes sure I am ok and taken care. He’s never made me feel like a piece of shit who wasn’t good enough to be loved. So fuck off and get out and don’t come back until you pull your head out of your ass!” Steve yells at her.

Eddie is looking between the two concerned. Nancy stares down Steve, but huffs, turns on her heal and shoves pass Eddie. As she passes Eddie hears her whisper to herself “This isn’t over. He will be mine.”

Eddie shakes his head and looks back at Steve. “What the fuck was that about.” Walking up to the counter and reaching across to rub the crease out from Steve’s furrowed eyebrows.

Steve melts at his touch and nuzzles into his hand as it comes down to his cheek. “Just Nancy trying to get me to take her back again. I kinda accidentally let it slip I was seeing a a guy and she was demanding to know who when you came in and gave it away.”

Eddie smiles “Whoops. Oh well I am sure it’ll be fine. She wouldn’t saying anything to anyone even if she is mad right now.”

Steve sighs. “ I hope your right. She seemed pretty mad.” Steve shakes his head. “What did you come here for anyways?”

Eddie’s brightens up and bounces down the aisle. “That’s right I was coming to get us a movie for tonight and was going to ask what you wanted?”

“Anything you want baby. You know I don’t care.” Steve smiles and puts his head back in his hands as he leans on the counter. He listens to Eddie babble on. Shaking the bad feeling in his gut to pay attention to his boyfriend.

What he doesn’t realize is that Nancy really isn’t going to stop and it’s going to cost him a lot.

I will post chapter 2 if this is something that people want me to keep going with.

#steddie #singersteve #guitaristeddie #croadedcoffin #steve/eddie #alternativeband #ao3

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jechristine · 1 year

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It's probably an unpopular opinion, but I am very frustrated right now, so the only thing I can scream in my head is,,,,,,, Can Harry please shut up for awhile. Jesus let Meghan take the wheel for a bit. I started to see the tides turn for them when South Park made fun of them. It's like it opened the floodgates for people to laugh at him.

And it's not me saying shut up for a while because I want to steal his voice. I just don't think he is savvy at this. It feels like all the recent wounds have been self-inflicted by him and it just frustrates me I guess. Especially starting when he tried to say they never claimed racism. He's also appearing weak in court. Can we just see more Meghan and less Harry for a bit is all.

I’m never going to turn down an opportunity to see more Meghan. But I think, if we were to see more of her, we’d also see the character assassination ramp up again. The UK media is trained mostly on Harry atm because he’s the one in the limelight since Spare and the court cases. But they haven’t forgotten Meghan and they’re ready.

I didn’t follow the South Park & fallout (I hate that show), but I did notice a turn around Spare, of course. Unfortunately that Spanish bookstore released the book a few days early and the UK media took the opportunity to rip a few quotes completely out of context, which had the effect of making the whole book seem preposterous. In many ways it is preposterous to listen to Harry’s complaints when many people in the UK and the west are feeling the brunt of several decades of stagnant wages and rising prices. That context doesn’t invalidate the wrongs done to Harry, but it does influence how they’ll be received. His vendetta against the media—the execution of which he’s described as his true vocation—is very valid. But he’s carrying the torch for quite an elite group of people so it’s hard to maintain broad public sympathy. And the media and BRF is relentless against him, the former more than ever since he’s waged war on them directly.

And yes he’s been stupid about calling out his family’s “unconscious bias”🙄🤢 He seems to be still completely unaware of the BRF’s basis in white supremacy, how I don’t know. I’m sure it would be painful to admit so much to himself, but it wouldn’t be as painful as being the victims of that racism, so it’s about time.

And I agree with you that Meghan is better out front, even if she’s not perfect. I do think it’s worth remembering that Meghan worked her way up from essentially nowhere. She’s self-made. Of course she has some privileges, and there’s always some luck involved, but she’s also naturally magnetic and smart and hard-working, and that’s a large part of how she made it even before she met Harry. Harry is just some guy who grew up in a State-endorsed cult. I like him, and he’s more charismatic with a bigger heart than the rest of that lot, but that’s not saying too much.

Idk what my conclusion even is. They might both lay low for a while, get their ducks in a row, and do a relaunch of Archewell with a renewed clarity of purpose and plan and the social media outreach to communicate it.

#meghan markle #archewell foundation #prince harry

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violentviolette · 2 years

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i suspect i may have BPD but i'm only 18, abt to turn 19 in a couple months. i'm still figuring out everything from my childhood bc i can barely bring myself to acknowledge the fact that my childhood was bad and abusive bc i was never "properly" hit or beaten but with my research, reflection, reading old diaries from throughout my life, n talking to ppl with BPD, im seriously starting to think i may have it. but another part of me is like "lol ur just a crazy attention seeking whore, ur fine, it's just all in ur head" and it's why i can't bring myself to go see a psychiatrist. do u have any pointers or advice?

ignore that second voice. really and truly because they're a bitch who doesnt know shit. that second voice is ur internal abuser, it exists solely to keep u in line and make sure u continue to be abused even when ur abuser is not there. kill them. genuinely.

it's very much like the theory of "the cop in ur head" when we've been abused we internalize that mistreatment and subconsciously begin abusing ourselves in the absence of our abuser because we begin to believe the abuse. we internalize those negative messages about ourselves, that we're just crazy, that we just want attention, that our needs and feelings are useless and pointless and stupid and all of our motives and actions are negative because we're bad people who deserve to be hurt. none of that is ever true

a good tip is to ask urself, who benefits from this mindset? who benefits from u not believe that what happened to u was harmful? who benefits from u never seeking help? who benefits from u believing these negative things about urself? because most of the time the answer is "the person hurting u"

every single person who has undergone trauma has felt the way u feel right now. every single one of us has felt that we werent "really" abused because of xyz thing to the point that that is genuinely a symptom of ptsd. denying and downplaying what happened to us in order to not acknowledge it is very much a literal stated symptom of ptsd

ive known people who *were* physically beaten say the same thing, "oh but i never broke a bone" "oh but they never used a weapon" "oh but it was only a slap that doesnt count" i used to believe that my parents never hit me because they "only" used an open hand when they struck me and for it to "count" it would have had to have been a closed fist punch. we make up these arbitrary lines in order to invalidate ourselves because acknowledging the truth of what happened to us is scary and difficult and goes against our literal lifetimes worth of abusive conditioning

but there is never ever some arbitrary line or threshold u have to meet for ur pain to be valid. u were hurt and mistreated and thats enough, it will always be enough and ur pain and ur anger and ur feelings matter and u deserve to heal from them. u dont ever need something to be "bad enough" for u to have permission to heal from it

#jack.speaks #anon #bpd #cluster b pd #cluster b personality disorder #abuse #childhood abuse #ptsd

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i-love--you · 3 months

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I am still heavily confused on whether I have OSDD or not, and I feel like I am one of those people in the "fake disorder compilations." I feel as if something definitely happened in my childhood but I am making up these symptoms even though I experience them on a daily basis. It's so infuriating not being able to trust myself while living through this hell.

I remember being 8 and getting slapped every time I messed up math equations and belittled over how stupid I was. Getting hit for giving my mom an angry look after she made me do much more homework than my peers, hit for not finishing food.

I was force fed meals until about a year ago (they just used "you eat or no internet"), 3 meals a day + snacks + this disgusting brown herb concoction. Supplements I didn't need were also added. My mom would physically shove food down my throat, if I resisted further she would scream and hold my hands aggressively and pinch my nose closed so I couldn't breathe (so I had to open my mouth). She would say "eat or no internet" and I'd say okay no internet but then I was forced to eat the food while crying and having my laptop thrown in the back of a car (?? so odd, the car thing).

My dad would regularly abuse our dogs by hitting, punching, kicking, etc. He would kick them in the face till they bled, choking them with their leashes, even dragging them by the collar and choking them. He would kick them in broad daylight outside and encouraged me to do the same (which I did). Though when I was really young I remember getting so scared when he'd abuse the dogs, thinking I would be next. It turned into him being really oddly kind to our second dog, so much that he'd say he loved the dog more than me and saying that I was just kinda "eh." I ended up abusing dogs physically too, though never to his extent, but I'm still torn up over it and feel guilty (guilt is never something he experiences I think).

Mom invalidated me for wanting to commit suicide when I was 8, shaming me; saying I had such a good life? How could I be suicidal or depressed? I just needed to "pray to god" and everything would be fine. Religion is above her own child; she'd rather listen to a fucking voice than her own child. She then took me out of my school and placed me in one where I was getting bullied everyday. Fun /s

When I was four years old, I distinctly remember that I was watching these videos on the internet. My mom knew, and she said that it was okay. I continued to watch them. However, one day she sat me down and started beating the shit out of me for watching them. I remember getting slapped over and over and begging her to stop and apologizing while she still kept beating and beating me.

This happened quite a lot before kindergarten, getting beaten for these little things like spilling paint. Every time I would beg her to stop and she would keep slapping and hitting me; when I cried more she would beat me more and I would tell her that if she hits me I will cry. She would tell me that "people will take you away from me if they know that I 'spank' you," when 'spanking' was actually slapping and I can remember the sound of my ears ringing from it.

I was very sick when I was 8 and 9 due to constant stress and fear of her and going to a new school. I was very socially ostracized and people bullied me a lot; when I tried to tell my parents they would always tell me that things were not that bad and blamed me for not being strong enough to deal with it. They told me to stand up for myself but whenever I tried to protest against their abuse they would hit me or take away something very important to me instead.

When I was sick at 8, my mom would hit me and blame me for being sick. I was being forcefed when I was incredibly nauseous in the mornings and would puke from both the stress of being forcefed and the nausea itself. She would yell at me and shame me. I would beg her to stop feeding me because I was going to vomit soon but she would keep forcing me to eat and then blame me for vomiting. I was banned from eating anything which was not organic or gluten free, which meant that I was never allowed to eat things like Oreos or even Hershey's until I was older. I would sneak these foods in copious amounts at school and she would shame me and call me fat for it, telling me about how much weight I would gain even when I was at a normal weight.

I got an allergic reaction when I was 9 and she always yelled at me and made me cry, blaming me even more for eating. She would tell me to go and look at how terrible my face looked with all the rashes, and whenever I expressed that I felt ugly she would scream at me and call me crazy. My dad would constantly make fun of my teeth and always made me feel so ugly, I would cry and he would keep laughing and call me sensitive for not being able to take a joke. This along with the bullying made me hate myself so much, I had such bad body dysmorphia.

At 11 I was not allowed to play outside with my only friends because of the sun; I am brown and they told me that my skin would become darker so I had to stay inside. They would come up next to me and say how ugly my skin was and how I had "dark spots" (nothing but literal shadows from my bone structure).

When I was in fifth grade, I was sent to a conservative christian anti vax pro life homophobic transphobic etc school. My parents are very everything-phobic btw, my dad said that trans people are crazy sho*ters hopped up on all those hormones. Mom said that gay people are sodomites who will face judgement and are disgusting human beings. I was in this school for four years and forced to hide everything about myself (lesbian atheist), having "safe" conversations and trying my hardest to pretend I was straight and Christian. I have to hide now too, but the other kids/teachers don't give a shit about me and frankly it's better this way (different school).

My old school was incredibly oppressive and indoctrinating. If you did not comply to them you would face social ostracization and the leaders of it would call your parents for anything. A girl there who I trusted told the teacher that I cut myself and the teachers called my abusive parents and I had a panic attack and was terrified for my life. She never apologized. It was so dehumanizing and terrible to have to CONSTNATLY hide everything about myself for years because of the fact that I would endure such terrible abuse at home if someone knew. There were less than 50 students ages 10 to 18 there. They told me I would go to hell if I hurt myself. That I was disgusting and abhorrent and immoral and that god hated me for being a lesbian. I was forced to complete assignment after assignment saying that that school was the only good people, and that everyone else fell short in the eyes of god and would go to hell. I developed severe moral OCD from this and would pray hundreds of prayers every single day to beg god not to take me to hell. It was literally hell on earth.

My parents are very anti vax (been nearly a decade since my last vaccine) and anti-science. They say that the moon landing is faked, JFK jr is still alive, Michael Jackson is still alive, etc. They say that everyone else is brainwashed and that we are the only truly good ones. If I ever say something that doesn't support them, they immediately think that I am talking to someone else online and look through everything of mine. If they find nothing, they attack me personally (verbally).

My dad has told me to kill myself and to just cut myself too. He's said that he wanted to leave my mom but she was pregnant with ME so he had to stay (he said this bit when i was 9). That I am the "glue" which holds their relationship together (and he'd be happier w another woman without me). That nobody would show up to my funeral besides him and my mom if I died. Mom's said that none of my friends will care about me if I die after 1-2 years. That people online will traffick me and turn me gay and trans and kidnap me and do all sorts of horrid things to me if I talk to them even once.

When they found out (January 2023) I'd had an online bsf they screamed at me for hours. They told me I was a disgusting perverted brainwashed cult member and read the smut I'd been reading. It's not funny, it was painful to hear that the very private, quiet parts of my life were not only being exposed to them but being openly fucking blasted to bits. They called my bsf (the only person who made my life even slightly bearable) a groomer and that I was so stupid to talk to them, so stupid to let them deceive me. They blamed me for all of this (but dad said that I had no reason to sh since I hadn't been SA'd a year prior).

I was hospitalized in February 2023 because I called the police trying to get away from them and said I'd kill myself if I had to live in that house any longer. Since then, the government has deemed me unfit to resume schooling there and I've had to move across the planet to attend school. It's been extremely stressful on my mental health, all of it. And dad changing from kind to mean to kind to mean etc (what he's been doing my whole life) just makes it so much worse.

Recently in December 2023 I became friends with someone who was extremely emotionally abusive. He would alternate (just like my father) from being kind and loving to angry and cruel, and would say that if I left him he would commit suicide. He would hold razors up to his neck over video call and would force me to beg him not to die. He would overdose in front of me and guzzle vodka in order to scare me. I stopped being friends with him after a month but my brain is still incredibly rattled from that.

It hurts knowing that my mom will never love me unless I fake my entire personality and personhood.

It hurts knowing that my dad will never love me at all.

Throughout my life, I have tried to commit suicide over 15 times (something which my dad made fun of me for and even shamed me at times).

The point of all this is that I have realized that when I am extremely triggered I feel like there is another "me" or person coming behind me in my brain, and it takes a lot of work to not let them...take over, I guess. If I do let them take over it often results in a lot of terrible things happening because they are incredibly emotional and hold a lot of pain and anger. Even now, after recounting all of this trauma, I am getting a headache and I feel like they are right here, stuck behind a wall of sorts. And sometimes they will just...randomly come out and I will have to force them to go away, to be and feel normal again, but it's painful and difficult to but having them out just feels so vulnerable and shitty. Someone else always has to be with them when she's there; it's always another voice in my head who is another entirely different person talking to the first one. When I am watching media from that time period from 4-12, I will feel like they are coming up. I even have a drawing that they/I made and it is stereotypically childish; I never draw like that ever.

I can remember them being there since maybe mid 2023, when I was slowly recovering from a severe eating disorder. I still live with my parents and 2023 was such an incredibly abusive year; so much hell happened to me I feel like my brain snapped in half and now I am just this dissociated depressed person who occasionally gets panic attacks. Recounting all of this is extremely stressful and difficult for me, I am shaking as I write this, but I feel like I need answers NOW and it can't wait a single second longer. I read about OSDD a few months back and it kind of feels similar to all of this. I just don't know, I experience a lot of what they call "passive influence" and "non possessive switching," and I have this deep internal dread and sense of wrong within myself, like I am not "me" there is someone else inside. I get a lot of feelings that do not feel like "mine." Does this make sense? I'm not sure. I feel a lot of depersonalization and derealization so it is very difficult to try and sort these things out.

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allysuunnnninwonderlandcx · 2 years

Text

Hi Tumblr! it's been a while since I have even thought about this page, let alone ever said anything on the page itself.

the reason for my come back is because recently, I have been struggling with my mental health. I have found a way that makes me feel a-little better is posting about it. I have started a mood journal with MoodPanda, but it puts a cap on how many words I can type. and for some reason or another I thought,"hm..whats a good place I can post and not a lot of people know who I am or really judge me?" and BAM! I remembered I had a Tumblr.

I usually don't like sharing my personal life, specifically when it comes to my health, mostly because I am the friend that fixes everything and makes all my other friends feel better. but I need to allow myself this kind of..I guess "structure" to help release and cope with some things that are harming me in the long run.

I will start with a brief run down of how 2022 started:

I was engaged to a man that I shall name..Kevin. Kevin and I were high school sweethearts. when we first met, he stopped my worlds and I stopped his. and it was us against the world. I slowly started to see that he could do no wrong, but with that, I started to ignore all of his clear and blatant red flags. we were together 5 years, and throughout that time I was cheated on 3 times(2022 being the last and final straw), lied too, and manipulated into things that I wouldn't have done if I never met him. with that being said, I will not lie to you, he was a good man and I do wish him well in all he does and everything he does in his life. there wasn't anything that I could say I wouldn't change. because we were young and didn't know any better at the end of the day. BUT, this is when it all goes to shit. in the beginning of 2022, our relationship was falling apart, he wanted nothing more to do with me, and we called it quits( I am leaving out a lot of details because this might get its own post due to how things ended and how traumatic it was for not just me, but him as well from my stand point). I hoed around for a while, and tried to fix myself and work on myself to the best of my ability.

until I met my present day significant other, whom I will call Elliot. Elliot in all ways, is my ideal man. he's sweet, passionate, patient, calm, funny, loving, emotionally available, and so much more. but he and I are quite different to a certain degree. we get along a lot of the time, but our arguments, can be a lot and very brutal. recently, my mental health has taken a big turn.(he has worked so much with me on my mental health and helped me so much with progressively getting better with not just myself, but my emotional traumas) its gotten to the point, where I have really good days and then I have really bad days. and that in itself is not just a lot for me, but him as well. I don't think its fair to him, and I commend him for staying with me throughout those times. but Its hard needless to say. Elliot and I have worked so hard, and I feel like I am not doing right by him.

recently, we had a fight, and it was just a big miscommunication on both parts, and that's under stable, but I also just want him to see the principal of why I'm upset and hurt. I want him to understand that its not just about the issue at hand. its also communication, and the effort that we as a couple have to deal with each other in times, where we don't want to, and you have to be able to voice that. while I was making my point and cases, he got frustrated and said that the whole argument was stupid, and not an issue. I felt very invalided at that point. mostly because I felt like it wasn't stupid, I felt how I felt wasn't stupid nor a waste of time. I just wanted to voice how I felt and why I felt the way I did. I don't feel safe saying things to him right now. I just left the conversation alone and haven't said anything yet.

during the fight, I did apologize, but I just wanted to be heard, and for him to understand my point. just as I always try to hear and understand his point. I don't know. I try not to wrap my relationship pinto my friendship, but I confided in my friends, and they said neither one of us was wrong, and that it wasn't either one of us who was in the wrong. we just Both needed to take a step back and talk to each other and listen. but how can I do that when he isn't listening to me. he's just responding to it and trying to prove his point.

I don't know. I just want to get high at this point and forget this conversation even happened.

thanks for listening tumblr.

9/23

#mentally drained #relationship #long reads #personal

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high-fructose-dreamscape · 2 years

Text

I’m so stressed.

I cried in the walk-in for the first time today. I just grabbed my hoodie and sat there and cried.

I’m so tired. I feel so exhausted and sore. My mind is so hazy and I just don’t wanna do anything laborious.

I feel like I haven’t seen or talked to my friends in weeks when I know that’s not true. I’m just not here or they are so up their own asses that I phase out and completely forget the interaction exists.

Blocking out more so many negative interactions and moments that the gaps in my Memory make me worry about myself.

I still don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about anything other than one person. Which sucks because I always want to do things with friends and such but I know I’ll never have that time or money.

I’m so lame.

And I can’t talk to babe. She’s so upset with life lately and I get it, but she has this bad habit of pushing people out who are trying to support or empathize.

What I mean is like she’s upset about RvW, which I mean I am too, but it hits harder for her. Makes sense. But as she rants and talks about stuff she completely invalidates me as if I’m going against what she’s saying. Now that I think of it, this is something that happens even when we are hanging with other friends.

Do I just know people who “close the circle?” Like everyone’s always competing for attention, do I just know people who will…

Never mind. I’ll just irritate myself thinking about it. I know what I’m trying to say, but I don’t feel like explaining it to.. the void?

I wish I didn’t have to live with a crazy person. I swear I wish I could fix this but I don’t know who I can turn to or trust. I don’t know what to do and there’s so much wrong that I just can’t stop drowning.

I hate going home. I don’t wanna go to work. I just don’t wanna be anywhere.

I wanna swing my sword in the grass. I wanna tell stories and share memories with people I love. I wanna show someone something that means the world to me. I wanna be a samurai for a day, be an artist for a week, and be myself for a month. I wanna be a kid so badly but my heart is so heavy from being so alone and having to hold it all together.

This summer sucks. Life sucks. Everything just sucks right now. I’m so broke from not doing anything and now I have to stress about finding myself a new place since well I can’t find a roommate.

Maybe it’s easier if I just let the waves take me.

Maybe I should just walk into the ocean and call it a day.

I wish things would slow down just a little. I’m tired and I have so much I wanna look at and share.

I wish I didn’t have to keep all my thoughts locked up in my head. Maybe I just don’t trust myself anymore to talk to people. Maybe I’m just stupid. Maybe I’m as boring as kinga said I was.

Maybe Jess was right. Maybe I do deserve this. Maybe this is all my fault.

#the ramblings of a naive boy #the sad thing is nobody will read this post #ramblings of a naive boy

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pwjwbsicnsvsidnf · 2 years

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i wish you showed more interest in the things I show you or want to do with you. even if it's just because you don't know how to express it or you don't want me to latch onto your reaction, I wish you'd give me something. it's never that I'd rather share things with other people, or that I give up on you too easily and get the gratification from someone else. i just want you to show me you care. I know I'm loud and I obsess and I seem emotionally invested in silly things and I go over the top and I'm sorry, I'm genuinely sorry if those reactions turn you away. I'm sorry if these things having some weight like that cause you to not want to react at all. and I know you try. and I know sometimes I push but it feels like if I don't push, nothing will happen. you'll forget. you won't bring it up. and im not trying to be self centered or selfish and I'm sorry if that's the impression I give off. maybe I don't validate your interests enough but I promise with my heart and soul I try. there's many things I do or entertain simply because I know those things are things you care about. and it's not always easy. politics and social climate and complaints about things are hard for me to endure and listen to all the time. especially when it's discussions and topics that I don't know as much about or go against things I think or feel certain ways about. I'm emotionally invested in what I consume, and I apologize for that. we can be total opposites sometimes... and it's not that that's even bad. it's good to have opposite thinking and qualities sometimes. it's healthy even to explore those differences. but.. I don't know.. I feel. silly. childish, overly sensitive, too swayed by my feelings, impulsive, and genuinely annoying. i want to spend time with you. quality intimate time with you. sharing things I love or am enjoying with you. getting you to participate in seemingly pointless things just because it would make me happy. i don't want to feel selfish or stupid for wanting these things. im tired of feeling nervous and worrying about how youre feeling left out of things that I do or show interest in when you aren't showing me that you care. you want to feel like I put you first but I do nothing but put you first and I don't always feel it comes back to me the same way. of course you make sure I'm comfortable and you try to make sure I can stay mentally and emotionally stable but I need you in the same ways you need me. if sharing things like this with other people makes you feel bad, please please I'm begging you to make me feel like it matters when I try to involve you. i can't just bottle everything in that I want to share, you've got to show me it matters, please

you can't tell me I can come of self centered when it doesn't even feel like you give the simplest things even a second of your time. i don't want to beg you to do little things like that for me, it hurts

and I don't even think you see it

and im afraid to bring it up

because it will always turn into something I've done to cause it to happen

therefore

it's my fault

and you don't want to hear that, you don't want me to take it that way

but if any time I open up about feeling this way and my feelings manage to feel invalidated, how else am I supposed to feel? Im tired of second, triple, quadruple guessing every single thing I do

nervous any excessive typing will make you look at your discord and start clicking thru servers and chats to see where I must be talking, and if it's not somewhere you can see it clearly makes you uncomfortable, thoughts rushing through you're mind who I'm talking to and what about, if I'm sharing things with people I could be sharing with you, if I'm talking about something that you'd be uncomfortable with, living this way sucks

i understand with my whole heart there are reasons you are like this, and it's not completely unjustified because of trauma we've both gone through, unhealthy issues we've had in the past, etc.

but it eats away at me

feeling like I have to do or not do certain things to retain your peace of mind

I'm aware we both desperately need therapy

but I can't go on feeling like there's this fundamental distrust or misunderstanding, or lack of understanding or awareness of whatever

so afraid and nervous something I might be doing is slowly building and bubbling up inside you until something causes you to finally speak up, and causes a fight

I hate it

it's sad

i want more than anything to feel like I can be myself and find my happiest place in the time I spend with you

but when it comes to the interest and how much of it im sharing with others, either content I like or expressions of myself

I have to be on alert

careful I'm not doing something or saying something or sharing something you wouldn't want me to be expressing with or to anyone else

but you don't seem like

you even want it from me sometimes...

what am I supposed to do?

it makes me insecure

and feel alone

and I don't know how to even talk about it

because

i always screw up

i always do something wrong

I'm always hurting you

even when I'm trying to do the exact opposite

I'm always screwing it up

always

i always screw it up

and I know you don't want me talking like that, it doesn't help, it makes it seem like I don't listen, like I'm not considering your feelings because I'm so focused on my feelings being hurt or how something is making me feel but

I'm only human

a fucked up human with a fucked up brain and had a fucked up childhood, I'm sorry if it's difficult to love me

I really am

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adoringhaikyuu · 3 years

Note

omg i love the 'bringin up divorce during an argument' so much maybe bcs i can reallu see myself as y/n??? if ever u have time, please do another part if it's okay! thankyou so much and more imagines/scenarios/headcannons to come <333

YOU BRING UP DIVORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT WITH THEM | 3

characters: kenma + kyoutani + ushijima + (gn!reader)

warnings: none

notes: thank u sm!

part one / part two / part three

kenma:

kenma had been kind of distant recently because he was too focused on his work

and you knew that it wasn't necessarily easy, there was pressure with being a public figure

but part of you constantly reminded yourself that he was essentially ignoring you to play video games all day and that really put you on edge

you got into an argument with him about it and since he was so tired, it just felt like he wasn't listening to you and was basically invalidating your feelings

in reality he just didn't want to fight with you, so he shut down, hoping that letting you vent would make you feel better

but it felt like he didn't care

so you snapped and let out your intrusive thought

"if this is how it's going to be, we might as well end things here, kenma."

his eyes widened immediately, his mouth dropping open as he froze in place, suddenly feeling stuffy in his oversized hoodie. his hair was already up, but he felt overwhelmingly hot...and cold? was it possible to feel both at the same time?

while he was going through this turmoil in his mind, his silence only made you believe that he truly didn't care. maybe he was happy to be getting rid of you. but just as you made a move to walk away, he came to his senses somehow and stepped forward.

he grabbed your hand hesitantly and you finally looked into his eyes, noticing the panic in them. "please..." his voice was quiet, but as strong as he could make it, despite the erratic beat of his heart in his chest. "i don't want––please don't leave me..."

you paused, honestly a little shocked by his words. he never was one to outwardly show affection, he stuck to subtle actions.

but you sighed, "it just feels like you don't even want me anymore ken..."

he closed the distance between you and placed a hand on your cheek, looking into your eyes. "i don't want you, i need you. i need you now and i'll need you forever. you're what gets me through everything––" he looked down sheepishly, his tone apologetic. "i'm sorry i haven't been showing it enough, baby. but i promise i'll do better. please let me try."

though you wish he'd realized sooner, his words did soothe you and you couldn't help but accept. you nodded and bit your lip, "okay."

the relief was clear in his eyes as he sighed and gave you a small smile. "thank you." he pressed his lips to yours softly, keeping his eyes closed when he pulled back to rest his forehead against yours. he didn't say more, but you could tell in his head, he was saying i love you, i really do.

kyoutani:

you and kyoutani were both bold characters

not afraid to say what you were thinking––or rather you let your emotions get to the best of you and speak as soon as the words came to mind

he lost a match today and he already wasn't in a bad mood

so that put you in a bad mood

he said something stupid and that fueled the fire

so now you were both basically shouting at each other, fumes flying out of your ears

"i'm tired of this shit, taro! you need to watch your temper!"

he was storming away from you but you were nowhere near done with him, hot on his tail. "oh yeah that's real funny coming from you!" he practically growled as he made his way into the bedroom. “i’m tired of your shit too! you think you’re so perfect?” he scoffed and you rolled your eyes, having had enough.

your fists were clenching at your sides and you blinked back your tears furiously before letting out a sharp breath. “you know what?” your voice was icy and though it got his attention, he didn’t turn to face you, only continuing about his business.

“if you’re so sick of me then we should just get a divorce.” as soon as you uttered those words, you both froze for different reasons. you knew you didn’t mean it, you would never—sure he got on your nerves sometimes but you loved him to death. you were just so wound up that your fight or flight reacted too quickly and spoke for you without giving you a chance to think.

kyoutani’s body became rigid as a rock within a second. he swallowed audibly, almost feeling a sour taste in his mouth just from your words. surely you didn’t mean that, right? ”what?” his voice was as quiet as a whisper, it lost all its bite.

he turned around to find you staring at him with wide, teary eyes, confusion clear in them. “you want a…” he couldn’t even say the word.

you shook your head, your mouth closing nervously. “i didn’t—i don’t want that.” you sighed, defeated, bringing a hand up to cover your eyes as you let out a shaky breath. “i didn’t mean to say that i was just upset.”

you tried to blink back the tears again and cursed quietly when one of them slipped, dropping your hand and looking up when you felt a hand cradle your jaw, a thumb swipe your cheek.

kyoutani was looking at you fiercely, a mixture of emotions pooling in his eyes. "...i'm sorry that i made you this upset––" his voice was gruff, regretful. "i never want to hurt you."

your bottom lip trembled and you stepped into his arms, pressing your face against his chest, holding him tight as he did the same to you. he leaned his cheek on your head and sighed, "i'm sorry."

you could feel him sigh in relief as you sunk into him. you knew he was tired, disappointed in himself for not winning tonight. you gripped him tight. "i'm sorry too."

ushijima:

when ushijima was tired, he was often dismissive without even realizing

now, you never shouted at each other

so your (rare) fights usually consisted of sighs and eye rolls and even silent treatments

and somehow that felt worse

it just felt like he wasn't listening to you today, and you had already had a stressful day at work

so you were really just talking without thinking

you sighed for the fifteenth time in the past ten minutes, throwing on your pajamas as you and ushijima argued. "you're not listening to what i'm saying––"

he raised a brow, "i am listening, i just don't see the problem. because there is none."

you rolled your eyes so far back you felt as though they would get stuck in the back of your skull. you tried to take deep breaths to calm yourself down, but the little devil on your shoulder was just shouting at you to be petty, to lash out.

in all honesty, you were hoping to mutter it to yourself at most, but it came out way louder than intended and he managed to hear it from across the bedroom. "well maybe the problem is that we need a divorce, how about that."

you paused, your hands straightening out your sweatshirt slowing down as you blinked, suddenly feeling a faint urge to throw up. your back was turned to your husband but you could feel his eyes staring at you, practically burning through your clothes, piercing your soul.

you felt him step up behind you hesitantly. "...is that what you really want?"

you swallowed and turned around slowly, choosing to focus your gaze on his chest. you shook your head, the words taking a while to form. you felt guilty and small under his gaze, you didn't mean to say something so cruel, something you didn't mean.

"i...i don't want a divorce, i promise." you sighed, and he tilted your head up to look into your eyes, making you take notice of the fear in his. "i'm just overwhelmed, and it slipped out." you looked at him earnestly, "i promise i would never want that."

he blinked a few times before nodding once, "okay." he stared at you for a moment, his heart aching at the thought that he wouldn't be able to call you his anymore. "i'm sorry, truly...can i hold you?"

you gave him a small smile, immediately stepping into his embrace. "you know you don't have to ask, ushi."

he held you tight and pressed his lips to your forehead. "i'll do better from now on, i never want to lose you."

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ughhheragain · 2 years

Note

The moon boys falling in love with their therapist headcanons?

Steven

"Bullocks" was his very first thought when it hit him.

Steven was on the bus home, after yet another therapy session to which he had become accustomed to. After the "incident" occurred at the museum, he’d felt extremely bad about it and brought himself to accept going to therapy, on the advice of HR.

His heart had jumped on more than one occasions whenever he was in your presence. The setting — although purely profession — still felt intimate to him. During those sessions, it was only the two of you, which Steven wasn’t used to. Sure, he’d spent hours with a colleague or Donna on work duty but none of these women had ever made him feel anything else than friendly thoughts or in Donna’s case, resentment.

Being with you was something else. You’ve never made him feel like he was different, stupid or as if he’s not making sense whenever he speaks his mind. He doesn’t feel invalidated with you and for that, he’s grateful.

Another thing is that he was striked by your beauty since day one. As soon as he saw who asked for "Steven Grant?" in the waiting room next to your office, he was at loss for words.

Somehow, he managed to articulate, "Me? I- I’m Steven Grant." His knees almost gave him up when he tried to get up.

Now, I’m not saying that having Steven as your patient is an easy thing either. At times, it’s hard to keep yourself from smiling too hard whenever he gets caught up in his stories about Ancient Egypt or Egyptian Gods. To not offer to go talk to Donna yourself whenever he shares the awful things she tells him. Steven just has this thing about him that’s difficult to pinpoint.

It’s also difficult to hear him trash talk about himself and invalidating his own thoughts. He’s quick to underestimate himself and in these cases, it’s complicated to stay professional and not go to hold him close as to comfort him.

For you, Steven fell and he fell pretty hard. This leads him to stutter and become a blushing mess when he realises that you really take interest in what he has to share.

Before he finally builds the courage to invite you to dinner, he rehearses in front of his mirror, correcting himself over and over again. "C’mon Steven, you’ve never looked this silly. - What am I even doing?"

He’s also wondered if he was even allowed to invite you out. Was it against the rules?

But, turned out that he didn’t have much time to think about it because he soon came back to his senses.

And when he did so, he found you sitting across his table, in a beautifully dimmed down restaurant. "This, this can’t be," he thought, astonished. You looked beautiful, drop dead gorgeous he’d say even.

At this dinner, you talked about your potential relationship and you told him that no one could know about this, until you could figure it out.

But, this didn’t upset him.

"I- I’d love to be your secret," he admitted almost in a whisper as a warm red was painting his cheeks slowly.

Marc

It took a very long time to get Marc to open up to you. And, even when he started to, you’d always feel that he was still keeping a lot to himself.

I’d say that it took at least 5 sessions to get him to talk to you about his past without having to invite him to do so with questions.

He’s find things to fidget with while talking. Pens, his phone, this little plushy toy you keep on the couch that seems easier to play with rather than having to face your gaze.

But, with time, he’d learned to recognise that you weren’t there to judge him, at all. That feeling was very unknown to him, who’d grown up constantly feeling rejected, as if he didn’t belong. Because it was all the contrary with you, therapy sessions started to become his safe space.

But then, he realised that he’d fallen for you. For your smile, your laugh he’d manage to hear after making a self-deprecating joke — you hadn’t laughed because he was making fun of himself but more out of relief to see that he was making progress and finding light in his errors —, for the comforting words that would come out of your mouth without restraint. Everything you did or said seemed genuine for him and it was comforting.

Many nights were spent sitting on the floor, his back against an empty bed. Some times he’d have a drink in hand, others it’d be his phone as his finger would hover over your number, wondering if calling you would be the right thing to do.

"For God’s sake, shut up Steven, would you? It’s not your call to make," he’d snap at Steven’s reflection in the mirror, who’d spent the last minute trying to convince him to give it a try.

"Actually mate, it kinda is. Now, you can make fun of me all you want but here, you’re the one who’s shitting himself and not being the most courageous."

"Oh, fuck me," Marc growled, shutting the mirror doors abruptly before squeezing the bridge of his nose in defeat.

That night, he grabbed his phone and grew the guts to call you.

"Hey, Dr.-"

"Hi, Marc?- It’s late, isn’t it? Is everything okay?"

Looking back at the time at the top of his screen, which read 9PM, he closed his eyes and bit his lower lip rather strongly. "Right. Have you eaten yet?" he asked, hoping to God that it wasn’t the case.

"Actually, no. I was about to order something, why’s that? Are you okay, Marc?"

His heart swooned when realising that you’d asked him twice about how he was doing, meaning that you cared.

"I am, don’t worry. I haven’t eaten either."

Now, you knew what was coming and smiled on the other end.

"Would you like to come get dinner with me? On me.- I mean, it’s on me. Fu- I’ll pay is what I mean."

Hearing Marc actually let the stress get the best of him and stutter made you laugh in a way that reassured him. It was warm and genuine, which didn’t make him feel judged.

His heart skipped yet another beat when you said "Of course, sure Marc. I’ll send you the address, text me when you’re here."

• After he hung up, he went to grab a jacket and put it on in front of the mirror, where he had to face Steven again, who greated him with a proud grin. "See? Wasn’t so hard, wasn’t it?"

Marc scoffed, adjusting his collar, "Because you’re one to speak, right."

Steven rolled his eyes, "Not fair, mate. But, you can have a laugh as much as you want at my expense, you owe me."

"For what, now?" Marc stopped to look at Steven, with his eyebrows raised.

"Well, if I hadn’t pissed you off,-"

"And you’re doing it again, see?" Marc cut Steven off and finished to tie his tie. In the other mirror, Steven closed his eyes for a second and sighed, "I’m not wining this one, am I?"

"Not tonight, brother. Tonight will be my night," he stated at Steven first and repeated the last part once again, but to him as a way to motivate himself.

a.n. here is my first Moon Knight work!! i really love writing about these two — Jake will appear soon, I just need to really get to know his character in more depth so it can be accurate —, i’ll gladly take more HCs requests <3

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