#weed recovery

[raspberry-pudding]

3/8/24

It's another one of those days where I tell myself I'm not going to smoke, but I have no idea how well I'll succeed. I made a short post last night, just vague posting and getting a few thoughts off my chest. But nothing deep.

I feel stupid for posting about my addiction, but at the same time it's the only way I know how to possibly find people like me. Who can become very addicted to weed. I don't have any friends to go to about it because they all smoke and are fine -- or at least, they convince me they aren't addicted and that it's impossible on weed. But what else would you call something that you crave so intensely you're scrapping the bottom of a bag or grinder to get one hit? What else would you call something that you can't control yourself from taking as soon as you wake up? What else would you call something that's meant to make you feel good, but after doing it every day, all day, for several years you get stuck in a cycle of giving in, swearing to go sober/quitting, and then turn around and continue doing it? Every. Single. Day. For the past two years I have sworn to finally quit smoking weed but I just can't get away from it. My body feels like it needs it and I'm miserable.

It doesn't even get me high anymore.

More below the cut for those interested, and so I'm not clogging timelines with a long post. My content isn't for everyone. Please scroll by if you think weed isn't addictive and if you argue with me you'll just get blocked. That's not what I need when I'm just trying to recover.

I miss the person I was before I started smoking. I was so productive and successful; I wrote and exercised everyday. My emotions were better regulated. I felt like I could do anything.

I started smoking a lot later than most people -- 24. And as much as I would like to blame my ex for the addiction, I'm more to blame for my own addiction than anyone else. It started when I was writing an essay on Emily Dickinson and the soul, and weed helped me a lot with writing this piece. At least, for awhile. Soon after, I was getting high every evening to work on the essay, but I'd get distracted and ignore my work. It just sort of spiraled after that.

There are a lot of good reasons why I want to quit. First of all, I want to be a better woman. I want to be the strong woman I used to me -- not this weepy bag who can't even stand the thought of driving myself anymore. Where did all my strength go? Where did all my independence and will go? I wanna be a better woman not only for myself, but for my fiancé. He's very supportive of me, and says that we all have our vices -- doesn't care if I continue smoking or if I quit and will support me no matter which I do. But I need to stop smoking for him, too. He deserves sober-me. He's not only the best man, but the best person I have ever met in my entire life. He deserves the sober-me much more than my ex deserved it, but he's hardly gotten to experience it. He deserves a woman who can do anything and be level-headed. Not the emotional wreck I am on weed.

I'm also already a naturally paranoid person. I don't know how to explain it other than ever since I was a kid I've been prone to extreme paranoia. I've always seen terrifying images in my head and I get concerned that they'll actually happen before my eyes, no matter how off the wall it is. Let me clarify, I never hallucinate (not even on shrooms or acid have I hallucinated), I just have an overactive imagination. Weed, obviously, intensifies this feeling. Sometimes the paranoia is crippling; I'm frozen in fear whether it's in bed or at my desk or in the living room. It can become overwhelming.

Third, I want to go back to school. It's nearing the 3 year mark since I've gotten my Master's degree and I haven't gotten any jobs with it. Granted, it's difficult to do something with my degree in my area and I'm a bitch about having to move. But I'm in a dead-end part time job now that's pushed me into wanting something more. Specifically, wanting what my original plan in life was -- get a PhD and become a professor. Focus my career on academia. It's what I'm good at, and it's what I enjoy doing. I've missed the college space so much. I've missed the research that goes into essays and the excitement I used to get while writing. If I go back for my PhD, I can't continue to be on this fucking drug. I can't do the work I need to while being constantly stoned. How do I know? Because I could barely balance the work-weed balance as I was finishing up my MA. Weed stifled my academic work so much to the point that I almost didn't graduate; if I go for a PhD I have to be sober. There's literally no other option. I have to take it seriously. I cannot do the work I need to while getting stoned every day.

I feel miserable and cranky every day, and the good mood I get from smoking only lasts for so long and then I become grumpy again. Yesterday my grumpy attitude ruined a nice evening out with my fiancé -- he says it didn't, but I feel horrible about the ordeal.

I'm ready to quit. I've been ready to quit for about a year now with no success. I think the furthest I've gotten in the past year is 2 days without weed. Since I started smoking, the further I've gone without is a whole month -- I really don't know (or remember) how I did it. I don't know how to start, or how to keep cravings away. I'm just so frustrated, I want my ambition back. I want my drive and energy back. I want to be even better than I was before. But I can't with this drug holding me down and making me completely numb and lazy.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. I really don't know what to do when the cravings start to hit within another hour or so. I guess the good thing is that I'm all out of weed right now, and while I could go get more it would involve going to the bank to get out cash. Hoping that prevents me from giving in today.

Maybe I'll just write on here when the cravings hit. Just write about how I'm feeling until it goes away. I really don't know. I'm just going insane with this kind of lifestyle and I can't do this anymore. I have to become sober again. The good thing is, leading up to this point, I have decreased how much I've smoked. I went from 3 joints a day to 1 joint a day recently. Quitting cold turkey scares me, but I guess I'm about to attempt it, because I really don't wanna drop $100 on something I wanna quit doing.

Again, let me know anything that's helped any of you quit if you're out there and reading. I would greatly appreciate the advice.

Iris🪻

#recovery #recovering stoner #weed recovery #tw addiction #weed addiction #substance abuse #self help #sobriety #diary

[compassionatereminders]

And a lot of people will be all in favor of legalizing weed because "actually weed has a lot of useful qualities for a lot of people" and I am not disagreeing with that argument at all, but actually the reason why we should decriminalize drugs is because criminalizing them ruins lives and kills people. Like the issue is not that they accidentally criminalized one useful substance, it's that turning a debilitating illness into a law enforcement issue is a problem regardless of how dangerous the drug of choice is

#recovery #kat gets serious #addiction tw #drugs tw #weed tw

[sadisticnstoned]

Just something about smoke in the sunlight…

#mine #london #weedlife #weed community #weedporn #weedstagram #weedsociety #weed queen #weed prince #weed strains #uk medical cannabis #cptsd recovery #just cptsd things

[stomedmotherhood]

If you used to be a heavy drinker & now you just smoke weed! YOURE DOING GREAT

if you used to smoke weed 24/7 and don’t now, but you just have a few beer or drinks every blue moon, YOURE DOING GREAT

if you were a pill head and now on methadone or subs, YOURE DOING GREAT

if you were a down head or a meth head and now you just smoke weed to cope with the side effects those drugs put on ur body for the rest of your life, YOURE DOING GREAT.

If you went cold turkey on everything all at once and never put a single substance in to your body after that, I’m proud of you! You’re doing great!

We are all just doing the best we fucking can!

don’t ever let someone tell your recovery journey isn’t “considered” recovery!

You got this and I am so so proud of you 💕

#autism #stoner mom #girls who smoke weed #sober life #sober living #12 steps #recovery #we do recover #sobriety #you got this #boys who smoke #boys who do drugs #girls who like girls #girls who do pills #xanax pills #happy pills

[girlbossblog444]

Why does some coquette girl have ed, smoke and wear cross for aesthetic? 🤮

#femcel #this is what makes us girls #christian faith #christian girl #coqeutte #christianity #girls who smoke weed #smoker #smoke weed everyday #blowing smoke #ana meal #anorexcya #ed bullshit #ed relapse #light as a feather #ana e mia #ana y mia #ana recovery #ana trigger #ana bllog #ana rant #tw ana diary #tw restrictive ed #ed recovery #ed disorder #tw ed diet #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #smoking #jesus christ

[worstloki]

HYDRA kidnaps Loki but all the goons look up to him and think he’s the coolest guy and keep kissing up to him because they really really want him to join their ranks

#and when he shows no interest in becoming a fellow cooperating agent they want to work under him instead #HYDRA turns into Loki’s gang gang #the goons overthrow the other guys running it #HYDRA accidentally gets a makeover and becomes a good organisation #the bad ones are weeded out #they focus on things like ecosystem recovery and killing corrupt politicians #goons: but you’re much stronger than Pierce? #Loki: this is true. prove your loyalties to me by weeding him out to the public. you won’t. #goons: DONE. what’s next Boss? #the remaining goons once they’re filtered out are largely people bribed or with no choice but to serve HYDRA #just regular people in tough places #the goons unionise and make Loki their figurehead #‘I joined because I wanted to do good in the world... and then when I realized it was too late to back out...’ alright #here’s a fund go start that medical research you wanted #HYDRA leaders: we shall torture the alien! #HYDRA goons in the lab room: no way! why would Thor do that?? what a jerk!!!! tell us more stories of Asgard Boss. we’ll avenge you!

[goodbyemaryjane]

10 things I learned from 10 months of sobriety

(in no particular order)

1. Feelings can't hurt me as long as I don't do anything self destructive to make them go away. They'll pass - like clouds blowing over the sky.

2. Everything good that I thought being drunk and high helped me do - socializing at parties, making art, emotional intimacy - I'm actually better at when I'm sober.

3. Getting intoxicated was a shortcut (a maladaptive coping mechanism) to silence my self-criticism and shame.

4. It caused more problems than it solved.

5. What I really needed was to practice self compassion and let myself be vulnerable with others sober. Scary, but the rewards are great.

6. If I satisfy my loneliness by getting drunk and high, I will be too busy with my addiction to seek out real love or accept it when it comes. I feel lonely for a reason; if I just keep numbing the hunger, I'll starve.

7. I have to take all of the energy I may spend wishing for others to change for me and just change myself.

8. Withdrawals were uncomfortable but my fear of them was much worse. When I look back, I felt more joy and relief in the first few days than pain. Like swimming in the ocean: once I stopped struggling and just let the current pull me under and toss me around, trusting that eventually I would be pushed to the surface, I knew I would be alright no matter how strange and sick I felt. It was such a relief to stop fighting what I knew deep down was right and true: that I had to quit today - not tomorrow, not in a week - or I'd be using for the rest of my life.

9. Denial is a powerful and terrifying thing. Nobody is too smart to be an addict. If anything, it makes you better at coming up with excuses.

10. At some point you will be more afraid of staying the same forever than you are of changing.

#i smoked all day every day and binge drank if i still felt too sober or i couldnt get enough weed #drinking was my first problem but i got more into thc because it didnt make me feel so sick #at least at first #this blog is just more focused on weed bc i feel theres a lack of information and content about thc addiction on Tumblr #goodbye mary jane #weed addiction #addiction recovery #marijuana addiction #recovering stoner #cannabis addiction #stoner #drug addikt #clean and sober #recovering addict #alcoholism #alcohol abuse

[kitten-forward]

#mental health #mental illness #mental wellbeing #positive mental attitude #adhd #mental wellness #positivity #self healing #therapy #body positive #recovery #recover #be weird #self love #girls who smoke weed #positive quotes #self care

[totalspiffage]

I would really like it if my bones stopped hurting constantly

#please let me sleep i beg #i am grateful my pain days are. much better. but god #it's taken me so long after my surgery to get this far and I'm just dying #i may need some weed to sleep tonight again jfc #thinking positively: I can clean sometimes! #it's just the recovery from doing anything is like days #and that adds up so quickly and i get no time off bc i have to be ready to record any time #my fucking BACK

[brightlotusmoon]

When you realize that being high doesn't necessarily make you eat everything in the fridge because you still can't figure out what the hell you want, but it absolutely does make most foods you eat taste fucking delicious so you finish the meal, pay attention to your body signals, and hydrate instinctively.

Pot is weird.

#anorexia recovery #arfid recovery #weed is weird my dude #favorite weed strains

[the-black-dragons-den]

seeking advice if you have experience with cannabis cessation, addiction recovery, substance use disorder, and/or mental health issues, specifically depression, anxiety, and/or borderline personality disorder

tldr; I have to quit cannabis and i'm having a hard time because of my mental health symptoms, specifically being irritable as fuck and i need help/advice on how to get a handle on that

even if you don't have any advice for me, please reblog

background info:

so i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (highly treatment resistant), generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

for the past several years, i've been using cannabis quite effectively to combat the various symptoms of my mental health diagnoses. but in my state, you can't get a medical marijuana card for mental health diagnoses.

i'm starting a trade training program soon, and it's free, and part of the requirement is to be drug-free, including cannabis, since it's still federally illegal. it's not like a "fail-once-you're-out" kind of thing (for cannabis), it's that over a series of drug tests, your levels have to start going down, and they want you clean by the 3rd week of the program.

the program starts at the beginning of september. i've had one drug test at orientation that I definitely failed, but i've been reducing my intake dramatically. used to smoke several bowls a day and in the course of a month, i've gotten myself off of flower entirely. i hit a concentrate pen a couple times a day, and i'm weaning myself off of that too.

lucky for me the withdrawal symptoms from cannabis are basically the mental health symptoms i use cannabis to combat

the difficulty:

i've definitely been feeling the effects of lessening my intake. the anxiety hasn't been too much of an issue but the depression is creeping in. however. i have lived in the pit of depression and anxiety for so long that that stuff doesn't even worry me any more. i'll be able to deal with that okay. i've also come too fucking far with my mental health to give up now, depression is a weak bitch and i've grown strong.

what i'm struggling with is a particular symptom of the BPD. overreactive emotions, particularly irritation. i get irritated by. the littlest things.

like if someone's rude to me (or if i perceive it that way). or if someone's going under the speed limit. or when they stock the shelves too full at the store and stuff falls on me while i'm working. or not getting enough sleep. when someone in the apartment parking lot thinks the "no back-in parking" rule doesn't apply to them. the AC being broken in my car, during our fucking 90 degree summer. little stuff.

it sticks into my brain like a metaphorical porcupine spine and it lives there the rest of the day. and by the end of the day i have like 85 porcupine spines in my brain and i'm ready to lose my shit. it feels, in a way, like my brain is on fire - raw and exposed and vulnerable and like the tiniest thing is going to make it melt entirely.

this is going to sound like an overreaction (but hey that's BPD for you) but i feel like the world has been designed to be sandpaper against my brain, and i'm not allowed to show any signs of discomfort. i am doing my best to put into words how fucking uncomfortable it is for me to live like this, and the words do not feel like enough.

being 100% sober from cannabis is actual hell for me, because the cannabis is the only thing i've been able to find that calms that rage, the irritation, the frustration. it lets the porcupine spines slide out. it puts out the flame and puts a balm on the raw, sandpapered embodiment of my resilience.

this morning i had a tough morning. slept terribly, woke up sweaty and cold, had the worst headache of my life last night. the meat we set out (in the fridge) to thaw for the crockpot didn't thaw. went to work exhausted. aforementioned overstocked-things-fall-on-me. scanner shits out 45 minutes into my day. customers asking me for things when i clearly am not an actual store employee. that's like 8 porcupine spines by 9 am. by the time i had my break, i was overwhelmed, totally pissed off, totally irritated, just rage-swirling in my brain. on my break, i took a hearty puff from my concentrate pen. and then. i was fine. for pretty much the rest of the day. like irritations still came up but they didn't stick like they did before, they rolled off much easier. because that's what cannabis does for me.

but i don't get to use cannabis to de-rage anymore. and that's the problem.

the advice/help i need:

suggestions for handling irritation in the moment so it doesn't get to the point of being overwhelming, therapy tricks, etc

suggestions on anything natural i can take or introduce into my diet that will help with the withdrawal

suggestions on how to avoid going back to cannabis (and therefore blowing my chance for this program)

basically any anger management suggestions

i really ought to get back into therapy, but since i'm not working while i'm taking the class, i can't super afford therapy right now

this is a sincere plea. most people think i'm a really nice person and they don't realize that it's because i'm on at least a little bit of cannabis almost all the time. without it, i'm such a bitch, and not because i want to be a bitch but because i feel like my brain is getting clawed to pieces and i just react, because, BPD.

anything you've got. help. please.

#personal #addiction recovery #borderline personality disorder #cannabis #weed #mental health #smoking cessation

[batz]

-

#frank.txt #cptsd moments. recovery is stupid bc it feels like ASS 99% of the time #oh actualy i love being sad and grumpy all the time #esp over smthn that happened over 20 years ago<3 #having a mind crisis(tm) a brain crisis(tm) rn . only thing keeping me stable rn is fallout 4 and weed and commissions/drawing cartoons #trying to get everything important done before the inevitable mental breakdown 2.0 where i go into hibernation mode fhdjdjd

[i-love-an-alcoholic]

Here we are again, day 2 of sobriety. I ran out of weed over the weekend and haven't bought more and I'm also contemplating on starting Antabus again. I stopped taking it after my fall because it can cause dizziness, but in my case it just may be something I need to deal with because pros outweigh cons.

I had some difficulty going to sleep last night, so I was up doomscrolling until about 4.30AM. Sun had already begun rising and I got only a couple of hours of poor quality sleep because of that (I do have blackout curtains but they only do so much). I wish we talked more about how weed just destroys your sleep cycle...

#i love an alcoholic #recovery #addiction recovery #anti weed

[goodbyemaryjane]

One Year Sober

I wish I could go back to my past self and say: there are moments of joy in your future that are so enormous you don't even have the space in your mind to imagine them yet.

You are going through some of the hardest times in your life so far, I know. You are so full of hurt and boredom and loneliness, it feels like there's no space for anything else. It feels like the best you can do is get high and try not to look at it, try to feel good for a few hours. You don't want to form clear memories of the same boring, exhausting day repeating again and again. Other people get to drink and get high and feel good, so why do you have to just sit here on a Saturday night and stare at your loneliness without relief? Read something, draw something, cycle through the same inadequate distractions?

Sometimes you are okay, even good, but sometimes you are a well of sadness with no bottom. You are starved for closeness but you cannot reach for it, you're too ashamed of how much you need. You feel like an alien watching groups of friends laugh and walk to lunch together, as if it's easy for them. Sure, you can entertain other people, but they don't know you, they only see the light you reflect. You're tired of writing in your journal, of meditating, of painting it out, of trying to compress the longing into a shape that's easier to carry. You're tired of trying so hard to be happy. You deserve some relief, a break from being the way you are so relentlessly.

When you're high, you can finally ignore all of that. And the absence of pain almost feels like love.

But the more you avoid it, the more it scares you. So you get high again, close your eyes again, and the moments when your stash is out and you catch a glimpse of what you've been ignoring are so overwhelming, you'll tell yourself, I can't stop. If I'm sober I'll suffocate in this. Your addiction will grow until you truly believe you are not strong enough to be alone in your mind again.

But you will get sober.

You'll work hard and make things you're proud of, you'll be there for a friend that needs you, you'll walk down the street and smell the rain on the pavement and know there's more inside you than pain. You will learn that most people are lonely like you, that reaching for closeness is the first thing every newborn learns to do, and the more you practice the easier it gets. You'll tell people you need them and they won't leave you. You'll learn that there is nothing inside you that makes you unworthy of love, and you might have to relearn this twice a week for the rest of your life, and that's okay. You'll have a lot of days that are just alright, some days you just live through, and some days you'll keep in your pocket and rub for good luck until they're as smooth as tumbled gemstones and as familiar as Goodnight Moon. You'll decide not to take your secrets to the grave after all, and it will be terrifying, but you'll learn the slow warm comfort of having absolutely nothing left to hide. You'll fall deeper in love with someone, and in his arms, loneliness will just be a word. You'll have experiences that make you feel like you've unlocked a new level of happiness you've never felt before. You'll make art that makes people feel understood; a stranger will thank you at the gallery opening, tears in his eyes. A stranger at the bus stop will confess his relapse to you and you'll tell him that you know it's hard, that you believe he can get sober again, and he'll thank you for understanding. You'll clean out your drawers and start keeping your promises. You'll be strong enough to lean on.

You'll think to yourself, "Thank God I was sober for that," and mean it. You'll think, "I am proud of myself for doing what's right, even when it's hard," and mean it. You'll think, "I want to remember every second of this," and you'll mean it with all your heart.

The pain doesn't go away entirely, but the space inside you will grow. Your life will expand to fit the love that's coming.

#goodbye mary jane #weed addiction #addiction recovery #drug addikt #clean and sober #recovering addict #loneliness #recovery

[raspberryreverie]

5 months without cannibis (purposefully, HOORAY!), 2 weeks without ADHD medication (against my will, I'm suffering)

#addiction #addiction recovery #personal #actually adhd #IM ACTUALLY SUFFERING #last time it was this bad i had weed to offset the pain #this is sober and i hate it #not smoking weed again tho thatd make it worse

[emdelphi]

I’m so grateful for the comments and messages I received supporting me after I lapsed. It makes me feel so connected - and what I’ve learned in therapy is the opposite of addiction is community, so I’m embracing it ❤️

🌸I believe I am worthy of sobriety and love🌸

This is what it has all come down to for me. I choose to go out on a limb, and embrace sobriety. I choose to let myself have a really good go at achieving my dreams. I choose to sit in the hard shit instead of numbing myself. I choose to process my emotions and connect with myself. Here’s to a completely sober 2023!!! (eek that’s scary to declare)

#addiction #addiction recovery #lapse #drugs cw #drug rehab #recovery #sobriety #quit weed #quit drugs #healing #emdelphi