theoutcastsays

[theoutcastsays]

Feed off of it, quench your thirst. Take all those raw words of affirmation and love and imagine they are designed for you. Make a world in make belief. Build a castle with all the affection thrown at you, conditional or real. You wanted that. You dreamt of this. Why are you so irritated? Why are you looking down on raw expression of feelings? Baby girl, if someone is going to be obsessed with you this is how it's going to look. They are gonna come off as “too much”. That is literally another word for “obsession”. They can't be all yours if you are not going to let them in. You can't run away at the slightest sign of love yet crave affection. You can't hide from them all day and crave attention simultaneously. How can anyone be close to you without being close to you? The perfection you desire is non-existent. I am not even sure if it is possible either. Baby girl, you need to accept this and stop this loop of self-destruction. Feels like a huge step? Let's start with letting them in slowly, without disrupting our whole world. Let yourself enjoy them slowly from where you feel your feet firmly on the ground. Let's not fall this time. How about that? Things don't always have to have deep meaning. Sometimes they need to be enjoyed on the surface.   ~excerpts from my journal of self destruction

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[theoutcastsays]

POV: I got a text asking how my day was from someone I really need to respond but I am in an emotional & creative coma...  Write anything that comes to mind. For the love of God, just write. Gobble. Gobble wobble. Cluster. My mind is a cluster. Unfiltered thoughts. Raw emotions. Forgetful memory. Doesn’t feel anything. On loop to delete events as they occur. I am going to forget today and move on fast forward to next week before it actually comes. I mean it's four days till next week. Living life as someone has pressed forward, and I wake up in between minor moments of clarity that hit me on most random evenings or even in the middle of the night. Then I go back to sleepwalking through life even faster. Yet I feel stuck in the morning of an endless February. Is it morning? I am in the car. Now I am working. Then I am in the car again on the way back to “home”. Look at the mountains and the sky. So beautiful. Feels so scripted. They are supposed to be beautiful. I know it's beautiful, but I don't feel it. I have not been feeling beautiful lately. I have not been feeling at all lately. Oh, wow Hello who is he? caught my eye. He is the third one this week. I am going to move further away while I pull him closer in my imagination, until I forget him too somewhere between next day and day after next day. What's that? I am going to try it for a couple of hours until I get tired again and doubt my ability to achieve anything really, which will happen sooner than my expectations.  Collecting little packets of pleasures as I bolt through this day too. Feels like I have taken acid, and I am on the most adventurous trip of my life, yet I am sober like a monk standing in cold waters somewhere deep in the mountains of Tibet. Spiraling inside my own head while there is disheartening murkiness all around me. Isn't it funny? Sure does makes me chuckle under my breath in a most random moment in a most random location. Random gibberish. My mind is on the roll again while I try to shut it down for the night. It imagines scenarios arbitrarily against my will. Like someone dying. A haunted romance. A nightmare fantasy.  Most structured and intelligent solution to the problem I encountered earlier while working. Loud static on the television. I shake my head as if it will shake my thoughts too. I try to imagine him. Or him. Anyone really who managed to sneak into my mind and speaks to the half dead butterflies in my stomach. Feels scripted again. It is suppose to help me sleep. It doesn’t. I toss and turn until finally I pass out. And wake up to repeat everything in order. Sooo, that is how I spend my days, what about you?  ~ excerpts from my journal of self destruction

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[theoutcastsays]

Imagine having someone to talk to late at night , when everything around you and inside you is plunged in morbid silence

~ naive desires

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[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

And if i might add,

I love water

But i am intimidated by its deepness

I am scared of dark grounds underneath ,

Of things lurking beneath the surface

And My mind have never much liked things

That my eyes can not see.

What a tragic way to say

I love you but i cannot survive you

I am mesmerised but i am too afraid to indulge

And I want you but i cannot ask you to be mine.

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[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

I have cried , I have screamed

I have obsessed over things unseen

I have tried to make sense of events

I have tried to let go even when

I have been dying to fix my universe,

To rearrange everything in order,

Sort out the mess, clean up the chaos

But it never worked , nothing changed

Nothing made sense, Nothing could be fixed

It took me thirty years to realize that

I shouldn't, I dont need to

All i ever had to do was

To be kind to little me

And i am sorry for all the hurt

I am sorry for all the mess

But dear little me , I am setting you free

So that we can actually heal

And leave things of the past to be

As they were, as they are

Its not our problem anymore

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[theoutcastsays]

Patience my love! I am learning to talk about my messy head . I am learning to talk about my feelings instead of writing them down in riddles and metaphors. I am trying to unchain the words at the back of my tongue that sometimes slips through the tip of my fingers onto a blank sheet of paper. I am trying to open myself up a little bit more . I am trying... I really am.

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[theoutcastsays]

I am in awe, amisdt all this chaos , amisdt all this darkness. I mean i am in deep, sometimes i tend to forget to breath . I am almost non existent yet life has its sense of humor, it keeps hurling things at me , situation after situation,  circumstance after circumstance as if i did not raise my hands and gave up last time it beat me down. I mean but all this aside i am still in awe of all the things magical , still it catches my attention unconsciously, words written beautifully or brutally , a sketch on a sheet of paper  , or a melody escaping the strings of an instrument.  It draws me in , speaks to me , it tells me it knows , it understands. It urges me to create my own magic , my own words my own scenarios . So yes i am in awe of  everything beautiful that any brilliant mind has to offer, despite the darkness around me .

[theoutcastsays]

Imagine living that flawless dream you keep dreaming about...

~ naive desires

[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

Imagine being loved the way you love...

~ naive desires

[theoutcastsays]

You are a ghost driving a meat covered skeleton made from stardust riding a rock floating through space , FEAR NOTHING!!!

[theoutcastsays]

[theoutcastsays]

When the sky is golden and the earth is white

When the trees are covered in snow

And  a dull sun shines on crystal waters

And when that beautiful morning turns into a cold night

And i am sitting by the fire, the warmth of wood burning,

I feel a little more lonely i guess i am still learning

To hold onto memories without getting too sore

But a fact is fact and truth a truth

Deep down somewhere in my heart I know

I crave you and your existence  more and more...