blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog - Tumblr blog

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 5 years

Text

hi again

well, its been a long long time since i last did one of these, not because my life was fine and all but because i forgot the password for this account. i’ve started crying for no reason more often and sometimes now I’ve started crying infront of others. i cant tell what goes on in my brain.

i just feel like an unthankful piece of shit. I’ve realized since last time how i am way more blessed than many. i am not religious but i wish i was. my parents wish i was. my husband wishes i was, YES, Husband! i got married a few months ago and am expecting now.

i should be happy but so much has happened to me recently and so many things go on inside my head that i cant be happy or satisfied. i have everything any normal person would ask of.

a loving mom

caring dad

pretending to care at least, brother, still a perv tho.

a very very sweet husband, but in the end still a man.

very helpful and forgiving mother-in-law.

money in my pocket

healthy baby in my belly

comforts of my own home, which is beautiful

i could count all day, but the worst part is, none of this seems right. the pessimistic me finds a reason to be depressed. i end up ignoring all the good things that ended up happening in my life without me even asking for them and end up crying and being moody for shit i dont even know or understand.

i have started to blame it on my pregnancy now, saying mood swings happen so its normal. but is it? am i? normal?

i started this blog before my marriage, before i found the first guy i ever felt interested in knowing he was too damn out of reach cuz i was already engaged for an arranged marriage, due in a few weeks.

i finally remembered this blog after so long today is because, once again, i dont want to say anytign out loud. i am terrible at voicing things out anyways. i cant say to my mom, who believes she is my only best friend, i dont have any friends. i cant tell my husband, he’d think th epoor guy got married to a depressive psycho and i dont want that. i dont even know what i want.

infact i think next blog will possibly be of all things that i wish for. not need. i have everything i need, more than i need, without ever asking for it. but to live in this world, necessities are not important, one deserves more than those no? i know i dont deserve anything being an unthankful bitch, but i cant help it.

i can keep on babbling all day, i just, i have so much to write. i am again getting tongue ties, or rather kind of a writer block, because all the thoughts coming in my head are too much fro me to write at once. i cant type fast enough than the storm of my thoughts.

i want to say all the things i think. i want to just get them all out for once. i want to feel better. i want to remove the dark cloud of ‘i am feeling down today’ from over my head. i cant even call myself depressed. it just feels so funny when i materialize it. am i depressive? if yes for what reasons? i mean, my mom is depressive, but she’s got sooo many logical reasons for that and she takes her prescribed meds and sees a psychaitrist.

i dont have any apparent reason to cry randomly or to feel down. that is why i dont understand why it happens. i got married to a wealthy handsome guy who loves me, or acts like it at least. so why is there a need to cry. especially infront of him?

looking at this blog, i see i’ve said enough but my brain and all the swarming thoughts tell me no, there’s still so much to say. so many things that need to be poured out if i want to empty myself. no idea how can i do that but its a start isnt it? i want to be free just dont know freedom from what? it snot like i am caged or prohibited from anything. i am way past my teenage for it all to be a part of that phase.

i am glad none of my recent blogs or posts got any reads or likes or any comments, that wasnt the goal anyway. the aim was to lighten my burden. i just wanted to vent out without being judged, but if no one reads, no one judges. the lonelier the better right?

i am so lonely broken angel,

i am so lonely listen to my heart

one and only broken angel

come and save me, before i fall apart.;( ;( ;(

3 notes · View notes

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 7 years

Text

IDK

I don't know

I really don't know

why do I always feel like

I am the reason of everything bad that happens in my house

I am the reason my mother is depressed

I am the reason my father is angry

and brother... I don't even want to talk about that perv bastard

I feel like whenever something goes wrong, I am the reason

its my fault problems arise

every time things go downhill I am to blame

I don't want to be blamed, I want to be the reason everything is right but its always the other way round. I hate it and so I hate myself

I believe I am selfish

I believe that I care about myself only

but in the end I end up hating myself the most

I just don't know why!!!

sometimes if fell over dramatic and

other times I feel simply Pathetic

what I actually don't know is:

why god created me like this?

like this, that

I cant make things right even if I want to

I only ended digging a deeper pit for myself

I end up creating problems for those around me

I make my parents feel like I am a waste(I may exaggerate, but that’s how I feel)

I want to change the fact that I am a waste

but god created me to not change

I am too weak, too lazy. I do realize what my parents say maybe for my own good

but its better to be understood once in a while

cant they just stop for a moment and listen and understand me

I don't know why they cant

I just don't know

#selfhate #feelingdepressed #depressing thoughts #depressed #no one understands #troubled #idk #stressed #babbling

0 notes

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 7 years

Link

sometimes it hurts too much to tell, more than i have vocablury!!..

0 notes

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 7 years

Link

i am not feeling suicidal, but the words in her letter are so true, so sad

0 notes

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 7 years

Photo

thats exactly how i want to keep my life going,to shut up my mouth to off my heart and to use my brain of logic only

its easier said than done

My heart’s been making bad decisions lately, I think it’s time to turn it off - @coral-vellichor

#shut up #on brain

6K notes · View notes

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 7 years

Photo

i wish i could follow all these lines, but i am so pessimistc and as much as i love litrature i am feeling so down right now to actually appriciate this

#feeling down #pessimistic #pessimism #litrature #quotes

137 notes · View notes

blog-pessimistic-young-adul-blog · 7 years

Text

Somebody Help Me!!

i don’t really need any helping, since i have drowned deep enough that i can’t ever get back to surface with or without help.

i don’t really need any help, i thought i was realistic but i just realized i am more pessimistic than realistic. life is hell. many people live in a deeper hell than me but it doesn’t matter if i have a better hell, it’s hell anyway.

when one is poor, when one cannot get anything he/she wants, when all one can do is dream. life is hell.

i hate myself, i loathe myself for not being enough, for not becoming what my parents wanted me to be, my mum, oh, mum. i do love you more than anything or anyone, but i wish i was more expressive. i’m not, and i hate that. i hate my life, but i am too much of a coward to wish to die. death is awful to. instead i realize i love myself enough to be selfish, to never self-harm and never attempt suicide, even in the slightest.

i think i don’t care what everyone thinks of me, i tell everyone, i don’t care what they think of me. but every night i realize , i do. i do care, thats why i can’t help but cry to sleep sometimes.

yes! life’s a bitch.

i tell everyone, i can’t cry. i tell them my heart is stone now, or rather, it’s just a zoological blood pumping organ, but then, i do feel bad. i do cry. sometimes, i don’t even know why i want to cry.

Every time, i feel myself talking to myself, i realize how hollow i am.

yea, i need a psychiatrist, but still i know deep down, i am lost case. i am hard to cure. not because this is simple exaggeration, but simply because part of me doesn’t even know what exactly is wrong with me, and the other part knows, i have so many problems that i can’t be cured, at least not in this lifetime.

this blog is simply made to take out my frustration somewhere, i can’t say it out loud, people around me already think i am a partial psycho, saying anything out loud will simply confirm their stupid assumptions. or may be i really am mad, even a little bit.

oh well, deviating from my path again.

as i was telling, this blog is only supposed to be my resource to take out my frustration somewhere. i am not good at words when i come to say things. so i prefer writing them down. but writing them on paper is dangerous. if anyone lays their hands on that paper, i’ll be made fun of, because i know, not everyone thinks like i do. how i know this? its already happened before.

this blog is not expected to have any followers, neither any comments nor any likes. i don’t really care. i just want to say my mind for once, all the troubles i face internally and always trying to pretend to act normal. i’m tired of it.

i dont care if no-one hears me, if no-one feels interested in my bull-shit. i just want to be free.

{more babbling coming soon}

0 notes