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Krapp’s Last Tape
My mentor remarked to me one day (maybe 10 years ago?) that my off-hand comment that I was turning into a Beckett novel was not a cry for help, or even attention, but a piece of self-entertainment. I love a Beckett novel, therefore it was an expression in the enjoyment of my own life, was, I think his point. I don’t remember what was ailing me at that point - it could have easily been the year and a half gigantic hernia I had. 


But now it’s really happening. Just as the character in the three novels starts out able bodied and the first thing to go is the leg - stiffening as a last step of pain, and, if I remember any of this correctly losing use of both legs, and then bed-ridden, in a room with a reaching stick, never leaving. And so on.

 
The knee is in great pain and has finally starting getting worse - it got stiff a few times in the past, but is certainly headed toward stiffness now -through pain. There’s nothing stopping me from my dream of becoming a shut-in.


I wrote that many moons ago. Now, just in time to get it checked the knee is better. But I digress. 


Speaking of Beckett:
 In Krapp’s last Tape, the eponymous/titular character (reflection of Beckett himself, as far as I’ve read) on tape, reflects upon an epiphany, while the “present-day” character shuts it off and fast-forwards. This gives the recording part of such a project an opportunity for improvisation, although I don’t know that anyone ever has in the past.
So, I’m already assigning parallels to everything in this text to my own life, Bianca on Kedar Street becomes Danelle on St. Johns Street in my mind etc....  For this improvisation between stops and starts this becomes even more important, although in the end, more or less irrelevant to the performance.  
The line to make a connection with is “…clear to me at last that the dark I have always struggled to keep under is in reality”   - Becket has stated that the rest of this sentence is “my most precious ally”

  (in the interest of accuracy here, some printings of this includes the “my most” in the original text as well, but still... precious ally is not, but I digress) So, there you have it - to connect all one has to do is come up with something you’ve tried to keep down, but in reality is what you need most of all.


Obscurity for me.


And this allows me to further reflect and try to connect the pauses and fast forwards .  


... more on my obscurity I’m sure... later
And as promised, here’s the LAST of the old posts never posted:  They’re all just titles I thought I would work on from then till the election, all dated between August 13 and August 17 of 2016:
Trump and his Followers in Past Pop Culture

 Superman vs. The Clan of the Fiery Cross
The Neverending Story

 The Charlie Sheen Freak Out
The “Conservative” Reactionary Victory continues: Government has gone the way of Unions: But History is Cyclical, They are Both Resurrectable.
Conservative Review - Prager
Porn and Fox News are the same thing
Conservatives are Extinct, Real Conservatism is Indifference
The Political/Economic Destruction of Culture has Created the Voodoo Economy and the Decline of Political Worthiness
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What my Intro was apparently supposed to be almost a year and a half ago
If I remember correctly I wrote separately about resolutions and the 100 block technique here. In fact, I believe I wrote about my resolution, the 100 block technique, before I wrote a thing about resolutions. It feels like it’s been ages, yet I have the privileged opportunity to have less and less concept of time ⎻ especially when it comes to Conservative Eclectic.
I’ve had my phone completely off for at least a week, the laminated 100 blocks remains blank and on the floor, and the Self-Authoring Suite sits unopened. (The real resolution is Krapp’s Last Tape - which I will talk about next time I think/I hope). In fact my email where I would go get it remains unlogged-in for I have no idea how long. I’ve been putting off calls to B.R.E.A.D. But at least there are shelves and rails on the kitchen wall, which was a more difficult, and at time, harrowing ordeal, than you might think, or, if you are experienced in these things, than you might know for yourself. I also have gotten into a little routine (at least the start of one), now that I don’t drive Amanda to work. While it was the remains of my social life, the bakery girls aren’t what they used to be anyway. (not in the way you’re thinking) So now I start the day by “accidentally” immersing myself in some kind of (increasingly redeeming) media until about 11am, or some other unreasonable late morning time (depending on what time Amanda goes to work). The majority of that time spent on the toilet. Then I spend too much time on breakfast. This is not what I had in mind necessarily, and for the first time thinking of it now, must take an average of 10-15 of the 100 blocks. Actually it doesn’t sound too bad when I put it that way. 
But there’s always time for new beginnings. That’s the beauty of procrastination. And joblessness. Hopefully Ohio doesn’t propose any work mandate until I finish the house. As in the last post, we continue with a post written for a different time ((the double parenthetical italics rule is also the same as last time)). This one was labeled as INTRO and is dated at 9/23/16:
My age is a microcosm of our age. We are stuck between an early onset of the decrepitudes of old age and both the self-denial and pure desire of adolescence. Our ‘masters’ have so mastered the art of opiates for the masses that we are a society of addiction unawares. We are addicted to anything as individuals, everything as society, but for the things that would do us good. The vehicles that deliver our opiates were promised as deliverers of these good goods: community, discussion, problem solving, transparency, accountability, participation. Instead, the progression of mass media has brought us an intensification of opposites: apathy, anonymity,  dishonor, confusion, hate, mob-like behavior, and isolation.


I believe that we’ve got here by “knowing just enough to be dangerous” as a society. Advances in Psychology and it’s dark-side-art, marketing, have provided newer and newer ways to take advantage of people. The tools to do this, if not obvious now, or to all, I think will soon be so obvious, we will look and wonder at not only our victimhood, but at that first period of Shangri-La when it was free, useful and eventually important enough to people to be taken advantage of. That turning point will be studied and debated. Ok, when did this happen to TV, the internet, politics, literature, journalism, higher education, art? Pop music would be an interesting early example of machine failure; this is what happens when the transition fails, takes too long, or is not universal. Once the transition is made can it make a long way back, or is it either “useful” or ignored. It is definitely ignored for a period at least, because we are living that period now. It remains a powerful opioid, yet is stubbornly independent still. 
The abstract arts are progressively resistant to this. Now, the question becomes, is it as simple as natural resistance, or is it an area remaining to be mastered by the masters of marketing? Is it just more difficult or is it impenetrable?

Although, it may provide a hint to a solution, even using the opiates against the masters, for instance, showing real evidence of oppression turns into another opiate. ((i.e late night comedy news)) Discussion devolves into entertainment when entertainment could be used to provoke discussion. Please keep in mind, possibly none of what I mention, probably most are perfectly harmless, even useful, uplifting or edifying when not used as a tool toward mass apathy. It is important to remember that all of this had that stage where it was new and/or beautiful, maybe 25 years for television, maybe 10-15 years for the internet, maybe 100 years + for journalism. It is, like the example above, when the mode of natural communication is reversed, flipped, turned around or distorted, that these become latent, even invisible, tools of oppression. These dark geniuses of marketing can not only do it without you noticing, but can make you think it never got distorted and you are engaging in useful and deeply human communication. 
This rampant metastasizing concept that equality as a human right equates it with human nature and therefore a fact of nature, rather than something to be fought for, is a current struggle with this. There is a prevalent idea that the most obviously harmful ideas must have an equal position at the marketplace of ideas, because it’s my opinion, and you have to respect that. ((false equivalencies abound)) This allows facts to be ignored, pragmatism to be frowned upon and true idealism to be mocked ((while harmful ideology is given equal footing)). At the same time it is so powerful that I am frightened enough by the notion of possible implication of censorship in that penultimate sentence, that I am reticent to express it. Maybe there’s a better way to say it, but maybe it’s just a more innocuous way to say it, rendering it harmless, useless and expressionless.  ((stories perhaps?))

The machine is advanced enough that it is quite like a literal, complex machine. It selects your opiate for you. Porn for a young population, music for a young black population, TV for baby boomers,“tv” for “generation X and/or Y,” twitter for the “millennials,” anger, from TV, radio and internet for the "greatest” generation. ((there sons and daughters mostly by now - maybe we should call it the worst generation, or the used-to-be-fine generation, or the fox-news generation?)) You might be telling yourself that you don’t fit into any of those cause and effects. No doubt you will be surprised that I think you are probably right. Because it is a complex machine, it will find the thing for you, for example: tumblr for certain people, wikipedia for others, fox news for most older white men, but HGTV for their wives maybe, sports radio for others of that generation, spreading younger. For all of us who proudly declare “I don’t have a tv” and somehow honestly don’t participate in the netflix, hulu revolution, it could be harmful religiosity, fundamentalism of all kinds, ((2 most harmful  free-market fundamentalists and the singularitists)) fake political movements, nostalgia or movies. I, of course, haven’t even scratched the surface. It is quite literally, pick your poison.
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Bernie Wins No Matter What or Countdown to Armageddon ((wait, we’re here now?))
At our yearly house meetings, the central question is “What keeps you up at night?” and it’s difficult for those of us privileged enough to not have family tragedy, neighborhood blight or worse to report, to not be this side of self-obsessed in our honest answers. You only have to dig deep to come up with something a little more “usable” so to speak, but sometimes the question is very real, and the answer is “my past failures.” And we’re trained to ask for elaboration if it’s that vague. “Sorry, we definitely don’t have time for that, I’m quite sure. Suffice it to say that I could pick one and try to rotate monthly if I was organized about these thoughts, or I could choose a category for a night of the week.” I learned from Jordan Peterson that we’re not supposed to be obsessing about anything longer than, was it 15 or 18 months?, in the past... As promised (can you make a promise to the ether?) last week, this was written August 10th, and edited August 17, 2016 (Since I love parenthetical aside, all present (January 8th 2018) interjections are double parenthesized (()) AND italicized): History will see Donald Trump’s candidacy and potentially his presidency as the inevitable conclusion of myriad signs and signals and cultural zeitgeist. Connections will be made to the past 25 years if not more. It will either be regarded as the democratization of democracy if we persist to a Techno-igno-Idiocracy, (or at least until we are conquered, vanquished or destroy ourselves, and the writers of history will again be sane) or hopefully, a wake up call from the nightmare, the darkness before the dawn, the moment the United States of America as a nation saw itself in the mirror with a newfound realization, illuminating a long period of reform. I do think this is a turning point, but a strange one. I believe if Hillary Clinton is elected, we’ve eliminated, or at the very least seriously delayed the former, and the latter must happen, but is slow. If it’s Trump, however, then it goes either way, and fast. After all the Antichrist is supposed to only be in power for three and a half years.


The poisonous discourse in our nation for the past quarter-century, or maybe just since the useless 1998 Clinton scandal, or since Reagan (particularly the end of the fairness doctrine, so therefore maybe just since Fox news), or since the Republicans’ bitter plan of vengeance toward the Democrats for Nixon (or possibly since 1964, the birth of the modern Conservative movement), has created not only Trump’s candidacy, but much more importantly, and much more disastrously, Trumps followers. Remember the Tea Party? That’s them, now full on, with a leper-messiah. But it’s not just political zeitgeist, it’s cultural as well. I contend that certain unfortunate political realities unduly influenced culture, but the parts of our culture that Trump represents, (greed, crudeness, lack of accountability, shallow superficiality, ignorance etc. etc.)  both parties speak out against. Since the Republicans have nominated and now support Trump, I guess they were just kidding this whole time. And I purposely left off sexism, and racism by the way, speaking out and lip service are two different things. ((I’m not sure what that means))
Yet so many supporters are convinced of the opposite, that somehow this product of “me” is out to help his country, despite his history as a man, and his words as a politician, and his competence in interviews. This is somehow turned to virtue, because Trump believes in “winning?” It is inevitable, as Trump’s forerunner was the Charlie Sheen debacle. Yet the nation seemed to enjoy a joyous humiliation by Sheen’s winning. They decry the Charlie Sheen tirades and hissy-fits and glaring and offensive gaffs. But celebrate the same thing, when it accompanies a fake populist running for election of the leader of the free world. It is hard not to blame the demagogue for demagoguery, but, while the demagogue is the undeniably (merely) the source, the majority of the blame lies elsewhere. There’s the media, namely a fox news who has successfully brainwashed people I normally would prefer to hold in high esteem, like my mentor and my father, to prefer the increasingly abhorrent over time. My father always had a Catholic excuse before, now he does not. It is quite literally a crying shame. And ultimately it’s the people that make the demagogue, the despot, the antichrist - none of these folks exist without the weakness of the people to fall for them, then to follow them. 


It IS chicken and egg though, 21st Century tea-party/Fox politics are a disease, like alcoholism. Most of the time, you can sort of blame the disease’s victim for the start of it. We are usually educated enough to know that drinking too much is bad. Sometimes we are blissfully, or by fate, unaware of our family history and/or other factors that make us a target. (in Fox’s revolution, it’s about anger and dopamine, old age and whiteness, no one wants to admit these things make one predisposed) ((I learned a great phrase since then: willfull blindness)) Once it’s started, you have it, and you’re just a victim of a disease. We don’t go back to the point before the disease started and point it out to the victim to be perpetually shamed. Yet to end it, it takes a conscious choice and a constant, persistent and perpetual will. So, we can blame the little r republicans for supporting Trump now, but it’s useless. They fell a long time ago before that, for whatever reason, they were victimized. Trump is merely the logical conclusion to this journey. You have to hit bottom before you want to help yourself get out of the addiction. 
Maybe there should be a nationwide Fox-news Intervention movement. Maybe a Trump presidency is the only thing that will bring that out.

I might find myself believing that, fiercely, and preferring it even, but there’s no way that will bring me to vote for that. My conscience won’t let me do that. Just like all the good republicans voting for Johnson, whether they live in a swing state or not. Just like the good liberals, not voting Jill Stein if they do live in a swing state. 


Now, let’s start with that. And as a thought experiment let’s pretend everyone is loyal to one of the two parties AND intelligent. What I mean by that is let’s pretend all liberals/Dems in swing states vote Hillary, and all conservatives/GOPs in swing states vote for Trump. So not, completely intelligent, but know how presidential elections work according to their aforementioned feirce party loyalty. Also, let’s pretend in addition, non swing states go where they’re supposed to/are predicted to go. Lastly, and the most outlandish, pretend it doesn’t matter who wins the whole election. The beauty of this election is third party magic numbers (5%, thereby securing funding for the next election) by a massive increase in third party voters in solidly blue, and solidly red states. Personally I think libertarians are a bunch of crackpots, but only good can happen from more voices in power. If the libertarian party rises, gets attention and recruits, we can successfully split the Republicans into two. You’d have the Republicans that believe in using their brain on one side and Trump Republican/Tea Party on the other - more or less - the Racist Populist Frightened Center and the Right. Michael Moore on Real Time with Bill Maher did point out, undeniably accurately, that Trump is the third party candidate here. If the Green Party had the organization that the Libertarians did, we could hope for similar. I don’t think they can do it, but for argument’s sake let’s say they can. Here we would have the Dead Center Party, likely to be the most dominant of the four in the immediate future, and the Democratic Socialist Green Left. By the way, the Green and the Democratic Socialists have needed to merge for YEARS. They ought to right now to get to the magic number.

 
This, eventually saves our country, by allowing the narrative to change from what THEY tell us conservative and liberal mean. It realigns definitions, and brings reality to the fore. The reality that a great number of Americans are scared cowards that want to hide behind the military industrial complex, and that the majority of Americans leans socially Left compared to where it has been distortedly aligned for decades. The reason Trump has such numbers is the Republicans were off the rails on the right side compared to how many Americans feel. Or as a Johnson Republican once said to me, “Trump is really a democrat.” ((not that I buy that, or ever did, but so many of them feel that way, it’s the Twilight Zone)) If we realign, and foster a 4 party system, then we don’t have to feel like we have no choice, and most importantly we don’t have to nominate any cartoon characters for president, I think. 
Maybe the RPFC will really be the Cartoon Party, and that’s just what they’ll do. They’ll run Charlie Sheen next, maybe Tom Brady after that, at some point they’ll nominate Kanye, just to “prove” they’re not racist. He’ll discover the real source of ideas in the party eventually and it’ll be too late to quit. Maybe this is what’s happening to Trump.


Let’s do another thought experiment. Let’s pretend Trump is rational and intelligent. It is actually possible. He could, in fact, be exceedingly intelligent enough to use the American people’s right leaning bigotry to propel him to the top, to turn it all around and help improve their lives despite themselves. That’s what his followers want us to think isn’t it? He changes his mind on the wall of course, the minimum wage, he re-nominates Obama’s nominee to the Supreme Court…..
((Jesus!))
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RESOLVE


I’m not going to look it up but I assume the root is the same, resolve, resolution etc. Today is the real start of the accident-of-the-(Roman)-calendar New Year. (Rosh Hashanah, feels more like a new year, but it’s nice having two re-starts). I was asked only a few days ago what my goals are, and like my resolve, goals made me nostalgic. For I remember when I had the resolve to accomplish my goals. I remember that I was a good teacher, and I just get better and better in my memory as  time goes on. I remember that i was good at making ideas happen. I remember my resolve. Like Niles and Fraiser taking a consumer auto-repair class, I realize people can’t be motivated toward everything. But what choice do I have? I must love, joyously, the work of home-maker, and get faster at it, and better at it, and become a productive member of this mini-society. My time playing the social game was short, but it’s over. I’m now a mauna, whether any of us likes it or not. And, the word sacrifice comes to mind, something I also used to be good at. I know, for all intents and purposes, that if I joyously make a home, then my life in that home can return me to the old resolve ⎻ one way or another. I have no more institution, people, or money. But what I can get back ⎻ I think ⎻ is my resolve, and there are many projects to take on. There will never be a shortage of those.

 But, as the old story goes, we resolve and we lose heart. I am in that category ⎻ big time.  Once I get organized, once I finish the house, etc. Year after year. But now, it might sound familiar, I find myself more motivated. But now, and this is truly new, there is a camera that can keep me accountable ⎻ at least a little. At this ripe middle-age, and nadir of the old resolve I am resigned this year, just enough to help my psychology focus on the present. And this year I’m writing ⎻ so far ⎻ and that should do wonders for my psychology. 


Before I was resigned and I was clinging to my past, I resolved to get a certain job, when that failed I kept resolving, to at least apply for jobs. It was nice when M.K used to text me, but enough is enough of these job leads now. He must know that now, maybe figured it out only a little later than I did. I almost resolved to get one of these, but I learned to resolve only for the application. My little brother thought I was knee deep in this job somehow. That was an interesting story to relive ⎻ with his four kids ⎻ full of life ⎻ screaming and laughing and living life in the background. Then I came up with other resolves for my fake job offers, my imaginary interviews: $18.81 an hour was one, give me $66,666 a year, or nothing was the other main one. And of course there was my creating whole new departments at Navient for myself to run (really just a variation on the $66k thing). All the while I tried to resolve toward being a good home-maker. I think part of the reason, at least part of the reason, if not the full reason, behind my failure at this was that I thought there should be something else. That’s the beauty of resignation. Why should there be something else? The old saw is “what is there to live for?,” but how about “what is there to participate for?”
If you were to tell me about the time my professional life fell apart in 2014 that Donald Trump would be president in 2017, what 2016 would cause, or what these past 2 or more years would be in public life, I would have chosen exactly the life I have now. I’m lost to a world that would do this, and no wonder I have been all along. The run-up has been disgusting, despite our couple of public actions despite ourselves. I guess the Kardashian-culture should have warned me/us. But it was easy enough to ignore it. I guess the apprentice warned us. Maybe twitter was a warning, but again, all so easy to ignore. There were bigger warnings, of course. But the point is, if given the choice (and in one way I was and I did) I would sit out those years ⎻ these years. Why contribute to the larger society when it behaves this way. And whose to say I didn’t subconsciously/unconsciously see it coming?  If in 2014 anybody was told, well, anyone in the mainstream was told, that latent white supremacists would resent a black president so much that they would elect anyone that promised to undo everything Obama had done, to erase him, to turn him into a token, then I think it might have made more sense. Maybe we would have had taken it more seriously. It was hard to imagine these foreign mindsets until now. Well, maybe for white people it was. But then, why was the black turnout so bad? Why when canvassing did I run into so many black people that said they wouldn’t even vote? If in 2014 you told any of us that the hate machine would be cranked so hard on Hillary that despite her most-qualified-person-in-the-history-of the-United-States bonafides that anyone could be elected opposed to her, would we have believed that too? That one we would hear many times during the election. I didn’t believe it. Again, when there’s no basis in fact for the hate, it’s hard to believe it exists.
Of course the easiest of these is for us to go back and nominate Bernie I guess. As much as I wanted to see Hillary do what she always does in office, the alternative is what we have now. What if we went back farther and in 2008 said, look, in 2016 we’re gonna need Barack much more than 2008, and Hillary can set the table, and this will save us from something as unthinkable as a Donald Trump presidency? What would Bernie v. Obama looked like? I’m certain of very little, but what I’ve observed in our unthinkable present/future I would be certain that new candidate Obama would have trounced Trump in 2016. And to think there are people with the title of “political strategist.” How can that be a job without time travel? Give me $66,666 and I’m on it!


I wrote for this tumblr back in 2015 or 16, or 14. A few postings, maybe two? A bunch of other titles and germs and one-liners and beginnings of paragraphs to continue till the 2016 election. I was going to do it weekly. I didn’t post at all - never finished the multitude started, the rest never revised at least. I’m going to use them as filler (well, that’s not being fair to myself I think, it connects to this last paragraph here first of all, and maybe it will give me the courage to write further on the subject…) next here ⎻ to see what I said ⎻ to check in on my past self ⎻ that lacked whatever resolve I have now for posting on my ghost-town tumblr.
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MY 100 Blocks
In an attempt to restart this thing I call a life, only to time it out on a certain date, these thoughts of the importance of deadlines and my recent lack thereof, and the recent useless nature of the few deadlines I have had, in other words, my recent fascination with the imposition of the finite; the immortal beloved has introduced me to the concept of 100 blocks per day, by this guy.
Assuming you’ve read that whole ⎻ I think fairly small ⎻ thing (I might not have actually read the whole thing now that I think about it) I’ll go on:  
I’ve made a chart, and laminated it, with the idea of actually using this tool. Because my true calling must be categorizing, I’ve thought that I should split my 100 into 4 or 5 categories ⎻ settling on Five, and because I’m obsessed with equality that the goal is to delineate and distribute these categories in equal parts and percentages (that’s 20 blocks per category, or 200 minutes per day, 3 hours to account for the inevitable at-least-20 minutes accounting for transitions):
God  Amanda  Me Community Family
Now, if you were to be my in-laws, or Father Mike, or a generally (and strangely) concerned member of St. Thomas the Apostle, you’d say that’s not nearly enough God, and there’s certainly no reason “Me” should be equal to it.
If you were a member St. Thomas the Apostle’s justice ministry and/or any member or organizer for B.R.E.A.D, you’d say to those people that certainly community should be part of our devotion to God, and therefore, they shouldn’t complain, and anyway ⎻ shouldn’t the community be a bigger piece of the pie here.
And if you were a non-partisan observer to this conversation, you might say, “well that community as part of devotion makes sense, therefore the Family and Amanda portions certainly go to that as well, and when you think about it the “Me” section has everything to do with the religious consideration of “vocation,” and the concept that you celebrate God’s gifts and life itself through your practice of Joy. Now it’s all God.
But if you are someone that knows me, or maybe just my behavior, first reaction to that would be, that I can’t do any of the other 4 things in anyway well if I don’t somehow get back to a dedication to the creative, which is really what me  means. That if a stranger looked at my life you would see way too much “me” ⎻ and of course that’s exactly why I’m making these categories in the first place, but in reality all of that “me” time is “nothing” time ⎻ or worse. And if this person that knows me was religious, they would say if I don’t pay attention to this, then I’m shirking God’s will, and what 5th of my time goes to God is the equivalent of “vain repetition.”  And then this person who knows me would question the family portion of it all together - “you kind of hate your family.”  But then that would start an argument with someone who knows me better (or even more), who would start that argument with, “Yeah, but he hates everything/everybody. It would go on to negate the entire theory it started with, but …
In the most unlikely of cases, if you were/are an economist, possibly even a big r republican, you would look at this and say that, first thing is there’s no mention of any real (real reads economic reads $$) participation/contribution to society anywhere in those categories. (what a wonderful lucky luxury that is for me) Second, if you were to accept my answer to this, then the Amanda portion would have to be a much bigger slice, so I can truly earn my keep. Switch over the economist to someone a little more thoughtful than a republican and you might here that the “me” section, being creativity is the thing that ends up being my economic contribution, and that it’s a long game. (In reality, that is the plan, or at least what I’m telling people ((if they ever asked)); Amanda takes care of now and that gives me time to take care of the retirement section of our lives).
                               What I would say to all of you is to give it time and the priorities will make themselves known over time, but shouldn’t I not forget any of these? Only the republican would have something to say against that, as I would not have added a “work” category or something similar, because don’t they always have something to say when something is good, pure, helpful or settled. To them, I would I guess say “don’t you have a bunch of ruining of everything you’re supposed to be attending to right now?” Maybe that should always be our retort to those monsters.
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