crimsonwritings

[crimsonwritings]

Flames in our hearts - Prologue

Pairing: Cassian x female reader

Summary: Cassian and Y/N both have to let their partners go.

Warnings: angst, some kind of panic attacks

Words: 2.4k

A/N: It’s finally here! The first part of my firefighter Cassian fic. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to post this earlier but I was overthinking which resulted in a writers block. I’ll try to post the next parts more regularly from now on. Hope you enjoy!

Masterlist | Moodboard

Y/N´s POV:

“So this is it then.”

Four years ago I would have never believed that him and I would ever be in this situation. Sitting in our small town café, nothing but an untouched glass of water in front of me, because I was physically incapable of consuming anything right now. Him being placed in the seat opposite of me, staring at the wall, the table and the wall again. Anywhere to avoid my gaze.

It probably looked like a break up scene straight out of a movie. Even the weather seemed to play along, as the sky was filled with dark grey clouds, rain pouring down to the earth. If angels existed I imagined those raindrops to be their tears as they mourned over the pieces of my shattered relationship. I wanted them to drown my emotions until I wouldn’t feel any of this pain right now. And if it meant that I wouldn’t be able to feel anything ever again so be it. I couldn’t care less.

“Yeah. This is it,” he answered. I knew that this decision wasn’t easy for him, could hear it in his silent, shaking voice. How much time had we actually spent together? One third of our lives? First as friends, before it had turned into something more, something intimate - something vulnerable.

He had been my first everything and oh, how I had wanted him to be my last. The one and only, like those fairytales always swoon about. Some part of me still wanted him to be just that. But fairytales aren’t real and my teenage dreams had to concede their space in my head to the cruel realities of this world.

“It used to be so easy with us but now…it just doesn’t feel like it did at the beginning. You became so distant and I know that to an extent it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s frustrating me. I can’t live like this anymore. And it wouldn’t be fair to you either.”

How generous of him. Breaking up with me to spare my feelings. I didn’t know why it caused a rumble of anger to drive through my body. Didn’t I feel the exact same thing? Wasn’t it me who had questioned our relationship over the past months?

At least he was able to set me free. I on the other hand felt like a snake, meandering around his body and pushing my fangs in his skin, even though I knew I would poison him with my insecurities. I just couldn’t let go.

Because that was my greatest fear. Being left by someone I loved, someone who was supposed to love me back. It had made me doubt him at some point, when he had disappointed me one to many times with such little things. Suddenly I hadn’t been able to see the good things anymore, only the bad, which had resulted in me emotionally distancing myself, snapping at him when he told me I was a fool for doing so.

And now here we were, in the middle of that small town café, knowing that we weren’t able to make each other happy anymore. One side being controlled by her fears, the other driven by frustration, annoyance maybe. I couldn’t even blame him for feeling this way. For I couldn’t stand myself either. What used to be a loving relationship became a downward spiral pretty fast.

I knew that this was right. That I had to let him go to hopefully find his happiness, even if it meant that he would end up with someone else. If she could appreciate everything he had to offer then he was hers to claim, not mine. But why did it feel so damn wrong? Why was the thought of somebody else living my dreams with him worse than what we had now?

The merciless feeling of my panic rising up consumed me whole. I knew it all to well. It always started with that lump in my throat, swelling on and on until I feared I couldn’t breath anymore. It then resulted in a gag, as if my body tried to get rid of it by throwing up. Meanwhile I could feel the tears lining up, threatening to spill but never doing so, not granting me that sort of relief. I could feel the familiar cold running over my skin, causing me to shiver. My hands were already shaking so hard I had to grab the chair beneath me, so nobody would notice.

Calm down Y/N. Don’t you dare let them see your weakness. Nobody wants to see it.

But no matter how many deep breaths I inhaled to calm myself down, it didn’t work.

I wasn’t strong enough for this. I couldn’t let him go. Instead I needed him to take me in his arms, soothing me that everything would be all right, that he had overreacted and that we would work on it. Like we had promised each other so many times before.

My voice trembled as I begged him, “Please! I will become the girl you fell in love with again! All I need is time!”

Something deep down in me protested. Questioned why I had to beg him to love me. Why it was so important for me to be loved by him.

I didn’t listen. All I could hear were his final words.

“Stop making this any harder than it already is. You assured me of this so many times but I can’t believe you anymore. And it wouldn’t matter anyway. My love for you is gone Y/N. I feel nothing…I’m sorry.”

Something inside of me shattered at his words. Maybe it was the hope I still had left. To mend this. To get out of this nightmare. But now there was nothing left. He had made his choice and I could do absolutely nothing about it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. Neither the beat of my heart getting painfully fast nor my breath being so flat that I feared I would faint. The tears started to run down my cheeks - finally - but it caused embarrassment to flow through me as I felt the stares of the strangers around me, starring and judging.

I almost jumped up from my seat and stormed out of the cafe, away from the pity and the pain.

He didn’t try to stop me.

~*~

Cassian’s POV:

“Say that again.” His words came out in a gasp.

He didn’t know how they had ended down here. Only a few minutes ago he had felt as if he could touch the sun! Finally, after so many years of pining after it, his life had become perfect, giving him wings of jauntiness! But it seemed like he had gotten to close to the radiant heat of the burning star, for now it felt like those exact wings had caught fire, causing him to race down towards the ground, to the predict of a devastating crash.

She alone could save him now.

But instead of throwing him something to grab onto in his fall she definitively shredded his wings to pieces, robbing him of any chance to survive.

“It’s over Cassian. I’m breaking up with you.”

There were no tears in her eyes as she said it. No signs of doubt on her face. She was sure in her decision and seemed utterly cold about it. Like an ice queen she stood in front of him, wearing the mask she had always worn to protect herself. Every time she couldn’t stand the overwhelming emotions around her. Cassian couldn’t help but find it majestic, how she stood her ground, watching him slowly crumble in himself.

The shock must have been evident on his face, he was sure about it. He felt like he couldn’t move. He wanted to tear his eyes from her icy stare but no matter how hard he tried, his body wouldn’t allow him to. All he was capable of doing was holding on to the balcony railing of his apartment.

In the corner of his eye he saw the lights of the city he called his home. There was a musician playing on the streets somewhere, he could hear the happy melody in the distance. Usually he would have loved it. It all seemed like a mockery to him now.

“But…I don’t understand! I thought we were happy!”

As the realisation started to settle in he could feel the panic rising up. The ringing in his ears became louder and louder and he had to resist the urge to shut them with his hands, even though he knew that it wouldn’t help one bit. Otherwise he would have missed her next words.

“Happy?! Do you really think I’m happy with everyone trying to change me the whole time?”

There was anger in her eyes now, a little spark that could turn into a wildfire if he didn’t take care. He had seen it a million times already. That fiery anger that threatened to eat her alive. It always resulted in her sending the flames towards her opponents, mixed with nothing but cold, brutal calculation.

“You know that it’s true Cassian. They all want me to be that cheerful little girl who loves to go on family adventures and gets along with everybody and keeps quiet about all the things that go wrong with you all. But I’m not. I hate pretending that I like them. And I most certainly hate that they only see Feyre’s sister or your girlfriend in me. Especially Rhysand!”

“He doesn’t do that and you know it! All he is trying to do is to integrate you. And if you wouldn’t be so god damn stubborn about it you would see it!”

Something had switched in Cassian, he didn’t even realise it. All of a sudden the shock had turned into anger. He stepped towards her, fists clenched and eyes squinted.

She didn’t back down. Instead she stabbed her finger in his chest and bared her teeth, ready to fight back. “You’re only proving my point! You’re doing it again! Defending him! It’s always like this, you’re always on his side!”

“Can you blame me? He is the only family I have left! I owe him so much, hell we wouldn’t even live in this apartment without him!”

“Should I be thankful for this now? It’s only a reminder that we are completely dependent on him. All I did over the past years was trying to match his expectations. I really tried, for you! But I can’t do this anymore! I don’t even know who I am anymore!”

“So the only solution for you is to break up with me? Throwing me away when I’m not of use for you any longer?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Cassian.” She turned around and stormed into their shared bedroom, Cassian right on her heels. When he saw all of her stuff packed up in some suitcases the panic returned. He could feel his heart beating rapidly and he had to hold onto the door frame as he slightly stumbled at the sight.

“Where…where are you going?”

“Eris offered me to stay in his family’s summer house. He’ll pick me up in a thew minutes and you won’t follow me!”

She had planned this then. Had made her decision, when exactly? Days ago? Weeks ago? Leaving him, without even giving him the chance to explain himself or making things right with her. He would change if he needed to. All she had to do was talk to him, telling him what he could do better. Yet all of it wouldn’t lead to anything, because she had given up a long time ago.

What hurt the most though was the fact that she trusted another man more than she trusted him. Of course Eris would have offered to help her. That viper had tried to lure her in even before she had chosen Cassian. But why did she ran into his arms when Cassian was right here, willing to catch her like he had done so many times before?

When Nesta reached the door again, he stepped in front of her. He needed an answer. He needed to know if there was even the smallest chance of winning, should he fight for her.

„Tell me Nes, I won’t let you go otherwise. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me anymore.“

One last time she looked up to him with those beautiful steel blue eyes. He desperately searched for any sign of emotion in them. Hell, he would even take all of her anger again. At least this would mean that she still cared about him. But it seemed like she didn’t feel anything anymore as she made his nightmare come true.

„I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye Cassian.“

There it was, that final crash. He had hit the ground now, forced to watch her pass him and leave the apartment, not able to reach out for her, even though an inner voice screamed for him to hold her back.

It felt like an out of body experience. He could feel everything. The tears that ran down his cheeks. His knees giving in, causing him to sink to the ground against the wall. He could hear his sobs and pleas for her to come back. Yet everything was distant, covered under a blanket of devastating pain.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, when he finally came back to his senses. All he knew was that he had to stop her.

He got up on his wobbly legs and hustled out of the door on the floor of the apartment building screaming with everything his shaky voice could offer: „Nesta! NESTA!“.

But it was to late. She was gone. She had left him, like everyone else had done. He was all alone again.

When the old lady, who lived next door stepped out of her apartment at his screaming he gathered all his strength and made his way back into his own flat.

Entering the living room he saw a small black velvet box lying on the bookshelf. She hadn’t found it like he had planned. She hadn’t looked for it.

He could hear the box giggle at his misery, mocking him. He knew it was all in his head but he couldn’t stand it anyway. So, as the anger boiled up in him again, he grabbed the box, stepped out on the balcony - and with a yell he threw it into the river down below.

Tags: @hellodarling1357

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!

#cassian x reader #cassian x y/n #cassian x you #cassian #acotar fanfiction #acotar #cassian angst #cassian fluff #modern!cassian au #firefighter!cassian au

[crimsonwritings]

His girl

Pairing: Cassian x female reader

Summary: Cassian finally makes a move on Y/N.

Warnings: reader being insecure about herself, slight mention of body shaming.

Words: 2.4k

A/N: This was written for @starfallweek hosted by @azsazz and @writingsbychlo. Am I entirely happy with it? No. Do I want to be part of this amazing event anyway? Yes.

378 years 4 months and 19 days. That’s how long Cassian had been in love with her. Ever since that day, when Rhysand came back from a visit at the Hewn City with her in his arms, saying that she would stay with them from now on. Her family had seen a potential threat in her, because of the powers she showed. Someone who disturbed the stability of their ridiculous culture. But it was the fact that nobody wanted to marry her that had made her father scream at her, blaming her for the blindness of any potential husband.

Cassian still didn’t understand how anybody could say no to her. Her face wasn’t pretty enough they had said. Her body not tender enough, her teeth not straight enough. As if she was a mare, ready for breeding. Nonsense. He had been captivated by her beauty since the moment he met her and if somebody would have asked him he would have married her right away.

Now he was standing at the bar in the House of Wind, to grab some drinks for himself and his friends and all he could think about was her. He wondered why she still wasn’t here yet. She loved Starfall and she wouldn’t miss it by any chance but maybe something had happened? Should he go check on her? No, she surely had a date anyway who would accompany her. They were probably enjoying some alone time right now before they would eventually show up. Cassian desperately tried not to imagine her kissing somebody else, their hands gliding down that beautiful body, whispering sweet nothings into her ear…

“You know, if you grab that glass any tighter it’ll break.” Cassian jumped at the voice of the shadowsinger behind him.

“Cauldron Az, could you stop sneaking up on me like that?” He turned around to the sight of an amused looking Illyrian.

“Oh believe me, I wasn’t sneaking. You were just so deep in your thoughts that you wouldn’t have realised if a whole army stood behind you.”

“Haha, very funny. What do you even want?” He hated to be moody towards one of his eldest friends, but the picture of the girl he loved in the hands of someone else was still to present in his head.

Azriel didn’t seem to be bothered by it. “Figured you’d need some help carrying five glasses. Though I guess Rhys and Feyre won’t drink something any time soon. They just left. Together.”

The prospect of his brother finally making a move on his mate filled Cassian with excitement. “So you think it’s gonna happen? Rhysie is gonna get his girl?”

Azriel only shrugged his shoulders. For any other person it would have seemed like he didn’t care about Rhysands love life but Cassian knew exactly that the shadowsinger was just as invested in it as him. “The odds are good. But if I were you I wouldn’t be worrying about him but myself. So, are you finally gonna make a move on her tonight?”

The fact that Azriel didn’t even use her name was indicator enough that everyone knew about the Generals hopeless feelings towards her. “Oh common Az, you know she isn’t interested in me that way. I mean we are friends! For almost four centuries we’ve been friends!”

“Really?” A smirk was creeping up on Azriels face as if he knew something Cassian didn’t know.

Frustration streamed through him, he had to put down the drink and hold on to the counter, fearing he might throw the glass at the next wall. “Yes! And it doesn’t matter anyway, because she definitely has a date for tonight.”

“Does she now? Well turn around.” As Cassian did he set his eyes on the most breathtaking creature he had ever seen.

Y/N walked into the room, in a dress that shimmered like the moon itself. It was hugging her beautiful curves, then flowed to the ground from right beneath her hips, getting wider the lower it got. Oh, what he would have given to be the one to help her out of this dress later on. Her hair was pinned up, leaving her long neck on display. Cassian wanted to mark every inch of it with his tongue and teeth, until all the males in Prythian knew that she belonged with him.

His heartbeat rose up at the sight of her. She looked like a freaking goddess, drawing all the attention on her. It seemed like everyone wanted to know who the beautiful girl was. Did she even realise how they were staring at her? Women, who looked like they either wanted to kill her, or be her? Men longing after her, just like he did right now?

If she had noticed the attention lying on her she ignored it, for she strode threw the crowd, chin up, her eyes scanning the room as if she was looking for someone.

But the prettiest sight, even though he hated himself for it, was the fact that there was no other man on her arm. “She is alone!”

Cassian had whispered the words to himself, still in trance from the sight of her. He had not realised that the shadowsinger still stood behind him.“Yep, she is. And I can tell you the exact two reasons why.”

The General couldn’t tear his eyes from her. He feared she would disappear if he did, as if she was only an illusion. Thankfully Azriel seemed to understand as he spoke on without a request. “You do realise that you are literally growling at every male that comes near her? It’s like you are her personal guard dog who is following her around everywhere.”

Now the frustration crept back into Cassian and he broke his stare, trying to ignore the physical pain he felt in his chest while doing so. “Wait, you are making it sound like it’s my fault! Oh great, so she is probably pissed at me too.”

Azriel wore that annoying smirk again, Cassian could have punched him in the face for it. He decided to look at her again instead. “Well, she should be pissed if she really wanted to have somebody else as her date. Yet, she isn’t. Which leads me to reason number two.”

“Oh yeah, and what would that be?”

“The fact that she is so absolutely disinterested in any of those guys that they can see it on her face. She might speak to them and smile at them, but her eyes only ever light up when she looks at you.” As if on clue Y/N’s eyes met Cassian’s and rested there. She was gifting him a radiant smile and her eyes…they glittered as if they held a thousand stars in them. It was that moment he realised that she had been searching the room for him. And that the man who was now laying a scarred hand on his shoulder had been right.

“Please, do us all a favour and go get your girl, brother.” With that Azriel grabbed the drinks for him and Mor and silently made his way back to where their friend was located.

Cassian started to move. He needed to get to her as soon as possible. She was like a magnetic force pulling him to her and it seemed like she might have felt the same as she took her steps in his direction. They never broke eye contact on their sheer never ending way to each other. When they finally met each other in the middle of the room he was so overwhelmed by her presence that he couldn’t say anything but a whispered “Hi”.

She grinned up at him, got on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “Hi”

Cassian could literally feel the blush threatening to reveal him. He decided to distract her from it. “Didn’t you want to bring someone with you?”

“No, nobody asked me to be honest. But I guess I should have considered that. It’s probably just me…I mean it’s always been that way, right?” Cassian knew that look on her face. He had seen it multiple times, whenever Y/N started to feel low about herself, started to believe those ugly words these men had spoken to her a lifetime ago.

It wasn’t his intention, to make her feel like this on maybe the most important day in her years schedule.

His brain tried to find a solution for the mess he navigated himself into. He wanted to cheer her up, to spend a fairytale like evening with her before he would confess everything he kept secret from her ever since the both of them met.

But his silly little heart acted faster than he could think about something. “I’m asking you!”

“What?” Now it was her turn to blush.

There was no going back now. There would be no perfect timing and no privacy. He would tell her right here, right now, with maybe a hundred people gathering around them, in the middle of the ballroom. And if all of Velaris would call him a lovesick fool by tomorrow so be it. He didn’t give a damn about it. “I’m asking you to be my date!”

There was utter disbelief in her eyes and something that looked like worry. “Cassian, are you drunk or something?”

“Yes I am sweetheart. Drunk on you. But if you mean drunk in the traditional way then no, I’m not.”

“Cassie…” Her bashful gaze dropped to the ground. There was a strain in her voice that almost sounded like sadness, because she was afraid. Afraid that the man in front of her was only playing with her, not meaning anything he said right now.

Another small gesture Cassian recognised about her. It felt like she was a mysterious book, written in a language only he could decipher.

He used his fingers to lift up her chin, desperate for her to see the truth in his eyes.

“I should have asked you that earlier I know that. I wanted to ask you but I was so scared that you would say no and that I would risk whatever we have between us. But tonight I’ve realised what an idiot I’ve been who misinterpreted everything, or at least I hope so because otherwise this could end badly. Well, even if it does I want to say it because you deserve to know how I feel about you and I want you to see what an amazing person you are.”

Cassian had rambled his words so fast, his lungs forced him to take a breath before his crucial statement. “I love you Y/N…So will you give me the honour and make me the happiest man alive by being mine? For Starfall and for eternity?”

Her eyes went wide in surprise, her mouth agape. She looked at him as if he came from another world, as if she had never seen him before. Cassian could almost see her brain trying to realise what he had just said.

He wasn’t sure how long they stood like this, but her silence was killing him. This moment, where he could do nothing but wait for her response that didn’t seem to come. Facing that thing under the library again appeared less stressful than the uncertainty he currently found himself in. “Sweetheart? Not that I want to sound rude, but I think this is the part where you should say something.“

The disbelief in her eyes turned into mischief and before Cassian could register it she was wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him down and kissing him.

He had expected a lot of things. Tears, because he had ruined their friendship. Or that she would burst out into anger, maybe throwing a shoe at his head like Feyre did to Rhysand. That she would never want to see him again. Yet she was kissing him, in front of everyone else. As if she had planned to do it for the longest time. Just like he did.

Kissing her was like everything he expected it to be and more. A thousand butterflies erupted in his stomach, travelling through his body to kiss every part that was him awake. Her fingers tangled in his hair and he moaned into the kiss at the feeling of it. There was a soft voice in his head, singing over and over again. Mine, mine, mine.

The Illyrian already missed her lips when she pulled away, chasing after them to feel the softness again, to taste their sweetness. Cauldron, he was obsessed with her by only one kiss. In that moment she could have told him to jump from the balcony with his wings bound together, like once during the blood rite, he would have done it.

She started to leave soft kisses on his neck, travelling up to his ear, and if the act itself didn’t drive him crazy than her hummed word definitely did. “Yes!”

Cassian couldn’t help but growl at her answer and in the next second he lifted her up and spun her around, enjoying the beautiful sound that was her laughter.

When the music started to play he put her back on her feet. Her hair was now slightly out of place, face a little bit red, but for Cassian she was still stunning. He wanted to take her to his room, to show her just how gorgeous she was in his opinion, but this would have to wait. For this was Starfall and he wanted to spend it with her. So he performed a slight bow in front of her, taking her hand in his to put a light kiss on her knuckles. „Would you like to dance with me, my lady?“

He could have sworn her giggles lit up the whole ball room before she answered him. „I would love to dance with you, General. Until the sun creeps up behind the mountains again.“

And so they did. They were dancing the whole night, never breaking eye contact and only stopped to watch the magnificent sight of the souls travelling along the sky. Later, when the thoughtful celebration had turned into a party, they could be seen dancing with their friends, sharing their luck with them.

The whispers that could be heard throughout Velaris the next day were positive ones, stating what a beautiful couple the both of them made. Although some claimed to have seen the General tackling their High Lord to the ground when he returned with the cursebreaker, laughing and screaming while doing so. “Rhysie! I have a girlfriend now!”

Tags: @hellodarling1357

#cassian x y/n #cassian x you #cassian #cassian x reader #acotar #acotar fanfiction #starfall #velaris #night court

[crimsonwritings]

So here is the mood board to the series I’m currently working on. Lady’s and gentlemen, please welcome firefighter Cassian! 🥵

Summary: After the breakup from her long term boyfriend Y/N runs away to the city to start a new life. Meanwhile Cassian is completely heartbroken by Nesta, who ended their relationship as well. When these two meet sparks begin to fly. But will they find their happily ever after or will their insecurities burn everything down to ashes instead?

Right now I’m doing some research on firefighting because I want it to be as realistic as possible. But I hope I’ll be able to post the first chapter by the end of next week. Just stay patient with me guys :)

Please note that the pictures are not mine. You can find them all on Pinterest.

Lyrics: Call it what you want by Taylor Swift

@hellodarling1357

#cassian x reader #acotar #acotar fanfiction #cassian x y/n #cassian x you #modern au #cassian

[crimsonwritings]

send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome 💕💕💕💕

Seeing this first thing in the morning literally made my day. Thank you love🥹

[crimsonwritings]

Masterlist

Welcome everyone, I’m glad you are here!

I’m not entirely new to writing but I’m only just getting back into it, so if you want to join me on this adventure I’m more than happy about it.

I also appreciate every like, comment and reblog. However, you are not allowed to steal my work, feed it to AI, or whatever else you can do with it nowadays!

My requests are currently closed because I have to many ideas in my head and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. When I’m more secure about my writing I will accept them. But questions are open, so ask right away. I’m also concentrating on my man Cassian right now but my ambitious self is already planning to write for other characters or fandoms as well so stay tuned.

Last but not least, this blog is supposed to be a safe space, not only for me but for everyone else. We all have different opinions and that’s great because it would be boring without them. But if you are only here to spread hate you better leave my page right now. Otherwise I’ll have to block you, no questions asked. In the end we are all here for the same thing. Because we love fiction.

So wherever you are right now, I hope you have fun reading my work!

Cassian:

Of guilt and love (angst, fluff)

His girl (fluff)

Flames in our hearts: Prologue

#acotar #acotar masterlist #cassian x reader

[crimsonwritings]

Of guilt and love

Pairing: Cassian x female reader

Summary: After the battle of Adriata Cassian struggles with the loss of so many lives and questions his abilities as General. Thankfully Y/N is there to help him through it.

Warnings: mention of injuries, angst

Words: 4.5k

A/N: This is my very first fic and I hope you enjoy! Thank you @hellodarling1357 for motivating and supporting me. You are the best!

The sounds of the camp hit us with a brutal force as Mor winnowed us to the location that had been chosen. After the conversation I had just witnessed between my High Lord, High Lady and the High Lord of Summer we probably should have been thankful that Tarquin had offered our legions to spend the night on his territory. Even though our two Courts had just fought side by side against Hybern the trust that had been broken would not be gained back by only one battle. I had seen it in Tarquins eyes as he had thanked Mor, Feyre and me for cleaning out the palace and I could see it now, in the eyes of Rhysand who looked like he just lost a friend before the friendship had even time to blossom. For that´s what Rhysand saw in Tarquin. An equal, not only in their positions as High Lords, but in their dreams as well. Dreams of a better future, a better world.

Right now the hopes of such a future were shut out by the hopeless sight in front of us. The situation in the camp seemed utterly chaotic. Soldiers, who were unharmed, ran around getting supplies for the healers who were yelling their orders over the frantic sounds all around us. I noticed the shaking hands of a particularly young Illyrian as he stormed back to one of the healers, holding bandages in his hand. But his trembling fingers betrayed him and the supply landed on the muddy ground, earning the boy a slap to the back of his head. I felt sorry for him. It´s probably been his first battle and I could sense he was overwhelmed, wishing to be home in the Illyrian mountains, in the warmth provided by his family, his friends, maybe a girl or even a mate.

Mate. I didn´t even realise my feet had started moving on their own attempt, desperate to lead me to him. My eyes scanning over the camp frantically, trying to catch a glimpse of his wings, his red siphons, his swept back hair. But all I could see were the injured soldiers lying on the ground, whimpering in pain, some screaming out to the mother or any other old god to help them, to lead them out of their misery. All I could see was the struggle in the eyes of the healers, who had to decide which injuries had to be healed immediately and which would have to wait until the worst was over. My heart started to beat rapidly in my chest, the force almost causing me pain. My breath threatened to get stuck in my throat, I could already feel my lungs begging for the oxygen the humid air provided. I forced myself to take a deep breath, even though it smelled like mud and blood and burnt meat. The smell of lost hope and shattered dreams. Tears welled up in my eyes as the panic almost took over…

And there he was. Standing in the middle of the improvised infirmary, holding the hand of a young Illyrian, probably the same age as the one I saw earlier. The young male was covered in blood, though it was hard to tell if it was his own or belonged to one of his comrades. His left leg seemed to be crippled. It was laid out on the army cot in an unnatural angle, twitching every now and then. As I got closer to the both of them I could hear Cassian muttering reassuring words to the young Illyrian, who looked up at his General as if he had been sent by the mother herself. By the sight in front of me I started to believe that as well. If Cassian had noticed me he didn’t make it clear. His eyes were entirely fixated on the injured male as he kept talking and talking to calm down the nerves of the said one. To make time pass faster, if only for a little bit, until a healer was ready to take care of his wounds.

“You did a great job out there today, you know that?” The Illyrian hummed in response, the pain probably making it impossible for him to talk back, but Cassian understood and continued. “You should be proud of yourself. I saw you taking down these two Hybern soldiers at once. I knew you were ready for this when I saw you training at the camp last time. Your family will be proud of you. I am proud of you, Zac.” The eyes of the soldier lit up at the General´s words. I could have sworn there were stars dancing in his brown orbs as the realisation hit him. The General of the Night Court´s armys, the Illyrian warrior whose battle armor was decorated with seven siphons, the image of power, the Lord of Bloodshed was proud of him. Not only that but he also remembered his name. Tears dwelled in my eyes but not out of panic like before. No, these tears were resembling the joy that cascaded around the soldier. The smile that was tugging on his lips made me forget about the horrors that still lingered around me.

Finally a healer attempted to the male, Zac, and started to examine his wound. Cassian squeezed his hand one last time, throwing a thankful look at the healer before he stepped in my direction. My heart broke at the sight of him. Even though he didn’t seem to be injured himself, there was pain in his beautiful hazel eyes. His face was the color of ash. “Sweetheart…”

The sound of his voice broke my trance. Relief flooded my body, the fear of loosing him finally falling off of me and I jumped into his arms, wrapping my own around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder, to let all the emotions that threatened to eat me up, out in a stream of tears. “You’re alive! You’re safe!” I repeated the words over and over again, only to convince myself that this was real, that it were his strong arms holding me so close to his chest as if I would simply disappear if he let go. That it was his scent that reached my nose, shutting out the smell of blood. Meanwhile Cassian showered my head in kisses while reassuring me that he was fine with his words. “It’s okay sweetheart, I’m here. Nothing is gonna take me from you. Shh, it’s okay.”

The scene probably didn’t last more than three minutes, a short moment of two mates being in their own little bubble of love and relief. When I calmed down I raised my head, pressed my forehead against his and let our breaths collide.

An egoistic voice of fear and exhaustion sounded in my head, to take him and get him as far from here as possible, back home, where I could lie in bed with him till eternity, just soaking in his presence. But I knew it was not the right time yet. Not as Cassian struggled to keep his posture, resisting the urge to slump into me and let me lull him into delusion. Right now he wanted to be strong, be there for his men, for there were still so many waiting to be healed, groaning in pain.

“I need to stay with them…” His voice was weak, barely more than a whisper. I brushed a strand of hair out of his face, that had been to stubborn to stay in his bun, and sent a wave of love and understanding down our bond. “I know. We will stay, for as long as you want us to.”

Cassian seemed surprised by my suggestion. “You don’t have to, you should go have some rest, you don’t have to wait for me.”

“I’m not planning to wait for you, Cassian. I want to be there for you. And I also can’t bare the thought of leaving you alone right now, it would drive me mad. So I will stay. See if I can help.” Adoration gleamed in his eyes at my words and I could feel it as well as a huge wave of it made its way towards me down the bond.

“We will all see what we can do.” Rhysands voice sounded from behind, causing Cassian to put me back down on my feet. As I turned around my eyes met dark blue ones, so deep you could believe they were violet. But even though they were stunning as always they seemed to be dimmed, as if a veil of guilt and sorrow lay before the usual glimmering lights. The same veil I had seen over my mates eyes seconds ago. I hated it. Hated that Hybern made two of the people closest to me, the people I loved and respected, feel this way. I hated that Rhysand, who wasn´t only my High Lord to me but also the brother I always longed to have, had to take the burden of war after everything he´d gone through under the mountain. How cruel could fate be, to make him return to freedom, to his family and even find love along the way, only to threaten it all over again.

“We should go check if the healers need a hand.” He smiled at me and I could feel a familiar scratch of darkness at my mental shield. I let it down and the High Lord spoke in my head the words he wanted nobody else to hear. Thank you for staying by his side. I am really grateful that the Cauldron made you his mate. I know you will never let him down but please take care of him tonight. He might not be showing it but I know him…I don’t want him to be alone in this. He needs you.

I won’t leave his side, no matter how hard he might push me away. You know how stubborn I tend to be. A giggle escaped from Rhysand’s lips at my answer. It wasn’t a heartfelt one, like the ones he usually made during family dinners or nights out at Rita’s but it warmed my heart anyway. That I know love. It’s actually one of the reasons why I took you into my Court.

With that he made his way over to the healer in command, probably to ask her if anything could be done to ease their work. Feyre didn’t leave his side as if she could tell that he wasn’t doing as well as he pretended to.

Turning to Cassian again I could see his eyes darting between the wounded Illyrians, his head trying to figure out to whom he should tend next. “Will you introduce me to them? I only know them from your story’s and I would love to meet the men fighting for our Court.”

It was true, Cassian never took me with him when he had to visit Windhaven, considering the fact that females still didn’t enjoy the same rights in the war camps as they did in Velaris. I had always respected his wishes, knowing that he only did it to keep me safe. Though sometimes I wondered if the fact that Devlon constantly questioned Cassians position, testing and provoking him was another reason why he wanted me to stay away. Every time he came back he seemed drained and every time I would ask him questions about his trip. I loved how his eyes shimmered with pride as he told me about the progress of the young recruits. Not even his annoyance with the camp lords could dim that light.

We started to make our way to a tall man who was pressing a cloth to his head. He seemed to be in a better condition than Zac had been as he jokingly told us that head wounds usually looked worse than they were. Still his face was pale from the blood loss. Cassian introduced us and I started to clean out the wound. I didn’t know if I was doing a good job with it but I couldn’t risk for him getting an infection either. As I finished my work one of the healers came up to us, reassuring me that she could take it from here. She started to bandage his head as I spoke. “Thank you for being so brave today. The Night Court is lucky to have you.” The soldier nodded in appreciation and Cassian took my hand, squeezing it. I got on my tip toes to kiss his cheek and gestured for him to lead me to the next Illyrian.

It went on like this for hours, until far after midnight our group reunited outside again. Most of the patients were finally provided for, slumbering on their cots as exhaustion had taken over. Our group seemed just as drained. Mor almost couldn´t keep her eyes open and seemed dangerously close to falling asleep while still standing, judging on the way she swayed from time to time. Azriel had noticed it as well. The shadowsinger silently approached her, took her into his arms and sent one finale nod to all of us, before carrying the blonde woman to her tent. I admired him, first for his physical strength. I honestly didn´t know where it still came from, after that seemingly never ending day of fighting and helping the wounded. Second, for his loyalty, taking care of her regardless of the unrequited feelings he held for her.

Feyre and Rhys were the next to leave, the latter having an even darker look on his face than before. The High Lady led him to their tent but turned around and I could feel her asking for permission to speak to me. I let down my mental shields. I guess we have something in common tonight.

I didn’t need to ask what, or who, she meant by that. Yes, I guess we have.

I am scared Y/N. I’ve never seen Rhys like this. I’ve never seen both of them like this. Because this was her first time witnessing them make such difficult decisions.

They will be fine. Simply be there for him, show him that he is not alone, try to get him out of his head.

All right, I can do that. Take care!

You too.

My eyes lingered on the both of them a little bit longer, until I turned around to see the utterly exhaustion in my mates face. “We should head into our tent as well.” He could only nod and let me lead him to our place for the night. Inside I started to peel of my fighting leathers, then made my way over to him and helped him get rid of his as well.

Usually he would have made a joke about it, probably something about me being his eager little girl who couldn’t wait to see him naked. Now that the burden of guilt lasted on him his mind seemed to be anywhere but here with me. I wondered if he could still hear the battle raging on around him, like I did. Was he hearing their screams right now, over and over again? Or was there silence in his head, a silence so deep and definitive he felt empty, just like his eyes looked right now? Either way, I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. It made my heart wrench.

“Come on now, let´s get you into a bath. To wash off the day.” He didn’t say a word as I took his hand and led him to the small bathtub that was standing in a slightly separated section of the tent. It was nothing more than a huge barrel but it would have to do for now. Thankfully it was already filled with water, not warm but the nights at the summer court were still hot, leaving the only thing to worry about the giant wings of my mate. They barely fitted but he somehow managed as he slowly sat down in the tub. Grabbing a piece of soap I placed myself behind him, sitting on the edge of the barrel, letting my legs dip into the water. Obviously I was also covered in dirt but I didn’t care, the comfort of Cassian being my top priority right now.

He stared blankly into space as I started to rub the dirt of his shoulders, his arms, his back. Soon the water turned the shade of an unidentifiable colour, from the mixture of sweat and mud and blood. The blood of our enemies, that had already started to crust on my mates skin, as well as the blood of our own forces, still fresh from when he took care of them earlier. If I had to describe the colour I guess sorrowful would be a perfect term.

Now Cassians gaze lowered to the surface of that dirty water and I could hear the tears in his voice as he spoke. “To many. I lost to many today. To many young lives. All because of me.” Him. Not Rhys, not the Night Court. For Cassian, he himself was the one who lost them. “Cassian, please look at me.”

But he didn’t. Instead he pulled his legs even closer to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, laying his forehead on his knees. He looked like a child, so vulnerable. The last time I had seen him like this was the day Rhysand got captured by Amarantha. When his final message had reached us it was Azriel’s rage that broke free. The shadowsinger had went into his room where you could hear him scream and shatter his furniture until nothing was left. I had never seen him loose control like this, prior or after. But Cassian went quiet. The joyful, carefree Illyrian who always had a silly comment for every situation went quiet, curled himself into a fetal position and started to sob.

Just like he did now. They were silent, yet it was the most heartbreaking sound I ever heard. I could swear I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces as I swung my legs out of the barrel, rounded it and knelt down, right in front of him. I laid my hands on the sides of his head and forced him to look in my direction, careful not to hurt him, yet determined. But he wouldn’t open his eyes, as if he was to ashamed to face me. So I started to speak, keeping my voice as soft as I could, still it was trembling at the sight in front of me. “None of this is your fault Cassian, you hear me? As horrible as it is, we are at war. A war that hasn’t been started by us but Hybern. Every single one of these soldiers knew what to expect when they started their military training. They all got prepared for a situation like this. To defend our Court and the whole of Prythian against any potential threat. They knew what would come. And they followed you anyway.”

“Exactly, they followed me. They trusted me to lead them out of this, not into death.” His voice had gotten louder, full of anger I knew wasn’t meant for me but himself and he shook his head as if he wanted to shake off my hands but I didn’t let go. If he wanted to he could have gotten out of my grip before I could even register it, yet he didn’t .

His furrowed face was evidence to his struggle I felt down our bond, either to get out of here, not bothering me with his demons, or staying here, in the comfort of his mate. It felt like two voices inside of him clashed with each other, screaming at Cassian to do the right thing. But he didn’t know what the right thing was. Tears streamed down his cheeks, leaving salty traces on their path. He was trembling with sorrow and guilt and it threatened to overwhelm him.

I couldn’t take it anymore. Not giving a damn about the fact that I was still in my undergarments I stepped into the tub and pulled Cassian into my arms. His wings took so much space that I had to keep myself in a half standing position, but that didn’t matter to me either. Gently stroking his hair I tried to get him out of his head, whispering anything I could think of to reassure him, to bring him back to me. “Shh, it’s okay my love, I’m here! I’m right here, I won’t go anywhere. Please look at me. Open those beautiful eyes for me. Please!”

Finally he did. After what seemed like endless minutes of torture he calmed down and turned his head towards me again. His eyes were red and puffy but still as breathtaking as ever and I couldn’t help but smile at the warmth I instantly felt, looking at them. The warmth I always felt at the sight of them, comforting and sweet, like home. Hoping he could feel it too I sent a wave of it down the bond and it seemed to work its magic as a small smile formed on his still wobbling lips, if only for the shortest moment. “None of them wanted to die.”

“But they knew that there was always a chance for them to die. They were willing to give their life for the same purpose you would do it. To protect the ones who can’t defend themselves.” I knew he recognised his own words, the words he had once spoken to the eldest Archeron sister. I could see it on his face.

His eyes started to water again as a new thought conquered his mind. “What if I could have prevented it? What if my choices were all wrong? Some of them fought for the first time today, maybe they still weren´t ready yet and I was just to stupid to see it. I should have given them more time, train with them more often, I…”

“Please my love, stop. You are General for a reason. It´s not only because you fight like a goddamn natural force but because you are perfect at strategy. I know it, Azriel knows it. Rhysand knows it, even if he hates your decisions sometimes. But you want to know what really makes you the best General I could think of?” He nodded his head, even though that was doubt in his gaze, as if he didn’t believe that there could be any reason I would think that way.

“It´s because you care, Cassian. You care about every single one of them as if they were your family. They are not some chess pieces to you, who you can push around on the battlefield. You see them. All of them. It goes so far, you even know all of their names! Do you even realize what that means to them? What it means to them that you stayed with them today, waiting for the healers, just talking to them?” A sob from his lips, though this time it was mixed with a smile.

“I know that you would have done everything in your power to prevent those deaths, if there had been a chance. Because you would give your life, if it meant that only one of them would live. And honestly I hate you for it, because I can´t lose you and I´m freaking out every time you pull shit like that.” A slight laughter escaped his mouth, still teary, yet if the sobs from earlier were the most horrific sound I ever heard, this laugh was definitely one of the most beautiful ones. “But at the same time I love you for it. That´s just who you are. My wonderful, selfless, brave mate.”

Cassian’s eyes shimmered with tears, the ones of sorrow and the ones of adoration he felt at my words. “I thank the cauldron every day, that it blessed me with you as a mate. I don´t know what I would do without you.”

“You will always have me with you, no matter what. That´s what we swore each other at our mating ceremony, remember?” I looked deep into his eyes, wanting for him to see how much I meant it.

“How could I ever forget, sweetheart?” I pulled him closer again and now he wrapped his arms around me as well, finally letting the touch he so desperately wanted happen. The silence that now lingered between us was a comfortable one. For a moment we simply enjoyed each other’s presence. Cassian seemed to get calmer with every minute, though he still held me in his grip as if I was the anchor he needed.

After a while he spoke again. “You know, this tub is probably the most uncomfortable one I’ve ever been in.” I couldn’t help myself but laugh at his joke. This sounded more like the male I was so hopelessly in love with.

“You are right my love, let’s get you out of here.” My face held a relieved smile as we dried ourselves and climbed underneath the covers of the bed. Cassian instantly pulled me into his arms, pressing soft kisses to my forehead and cheeks. “I’m sorry that you had to take care of me. I know you were probably scared to death for me today and I let you deal alone with your demons, all because I wasn’t capable of keeping myself together….hmm.” I interrupted his nonsense with a kiss. It was the first one we shared this day and I put everything in it. My fear of losing him today. The pride I felt for him. The love I felt for him. And after the first moment of surprise he did the same for me. Our feelings raced through the bond like electric shocks, I thought I might hear them crackle throughout the tent.

Soon the kiss became heated and it would have definitely become something more if exhaustion didn’t cause me to pull away, to yawn. Cassian chuckled at the sight, causing butterflies in my stomach. “As much as I want to show you how much I love you we should probably go to sleep.” I nodded, my eyelids threatening to flutter shut every moment. He blew out the candles and cuddled into me.

I was already half asleep when I heard him. “I´ll have to go inform the families of the fallen about…” He couldn’t say deaths. “Will you come with me? I know it is a lot I’m asking for and if it makes you feel uncomfortable you don´t have to come! It´s just, I would rather not be alone, facing them.” My fingers started to stroke the hand he had placed on my stomach and my face automatically turned to him, even though I couldn’t see him in the dark. “Of course I will come with you! I will be there, every step of the way. You are not alone, Cassian!”

Somehow his lips found mine again, gifting me a soft, sweet kiss. “Thank you. Now sleep, tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

I could only murmur my response. “Good night my love.”

“Good night sweetheart.” The last thing I remembered was his wing spreading over me in a protective manner.

#cassian x reader #cassian #a court of thorns and roses #a court of wings and ruin #rhysand #azriel #feyre archeron #feysand #cassian x you #cassian x y/n #a court of mist and fury #a court of frost and starlight #a court of silver flames #morrigan #night court #velaris #cassian fluff #cassian angst