dearduende

[dearduende]

how do I keep my cool

when he’s got me panting

and losing it without

even taking my clothes off

how do I keep my cool

when we wake at 5am

sweat and saliva and sounds

that might wake the neighbors

how do I keep my cool

when I’ve been worshiping

all night and again in the morning

at the base of the altar

of this godly being I’ve been conjuring

who seems written by a woman,

(this woman, scribbling in her journal)

and here he sits before me

eyes sparking as we sip our coffee,

how do I keep my cool

when the right side of my neck

and my shoulder still smells of him

when my brain blurs in delirium

remembering the ways we danced

my body now sore in the best ways

so how do I keep my cool

when it’s still the early days

but I can picture us having coffee

in all the mornings to come

how do I keep my cool

when he has ignited something

that I hope will be lasting

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #dating #written by me #N #right side of my neck by Faye Webster

[dearduende]

how often do we

tip our faces up skyward

and simply marvel

and then how often

do we do this en mass, a

chorus of ooohs and

ahhhs gathered outside

our concrete office buildings

to witness the sun

eaten by the moon

if only for a moment

that is all we do.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #solar eclipse #nature #haikus #written by me

[dearduende]

worshipped

and then spun around

on the dancefloor

to cumbia salsa Latin band

playing and the crowd singing

now that is how I feel alive again,

to lose myself in the moment

to the Brazilian whose hips I follow

these older men and their charisma

and their sweet talk but I’ll take it

when right now I need a reminder

of my radiance and my playfulness

to smile and take their hand

and join them on the dancefloor

spinning and laughing

dancing again

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #Ivory & Vine #SF nights #dancing

[dearduende]

missed connections

we lock eyes, I blush

and look away and back up—

we smile in passing.

I turn back to gaze

but the moment’s already

fading memory

our bodies drifting apart

from the first point of meeting.

call it randomness

or call it the strings of fate—

where did you come from?

maybe we just smile

or our sleeves brush or we fall

spinning in orbit

or maybe we don’t cross paths

or share any spark at all.

am I uniquely

fortunate or is life just

toying with us all

teasing, “Wake up, love!

Beauty is all around you.

Taste it or it melts!”

so I stick my tongue

out and lap up all of life

and savor it well.

#poetry #poem #writing #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #haikus #missed connections #poets of color #written by me

[dearduende]

making movies in my head

when lightning strikes

it finds the fastest path to earth

not necessarily in a straight line

jumping from electron to electron

but it moves swiftly

altering anything in its course

and when I’m struck

by serendipity, by romance, by lust

it finds the fastest path to dreamland

and I’m flung far from earth

nonlinearly the possibilities spark

and web out before me:

how might we see each other again

how might we fall in deeper

how might we explore the world

how might we marvel at our kids

(who don’t exist yet)

how might we,

how might we,

how might we:

the brainstorming prompt we use

as designers and facilitators for co-creation

and what is love if not just that,

but we’re not quite there yet

maybe it’s just the early days of infatuation

jumping from electron to electron

pinging through my body and my being

into my subconscious and intrusive thoughts

and it moves swiftly

into realms of delusion

into rumination nearing obsession

replaying over and over and skipping forward

as I’m making movies in my head

and living in an augmented reality

altering everything in its course.

is the impulse stronger

for those who dance with the muses

that when the lightning strikes

it must find some path, some outlet,

into song or dance or poetry or stories

because I cannot hold them all,

these movies in my head.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #infatuation #dating #serendipity #L #inspired by The Heart podcast

[dearduende]

little miss

little miss does it all

on her own refusing help

even when it’s offered

let alone daring to ask for it

little miss on her own

and loving this little life

romanticizing all the moments

and protecting her peace

little miss romantic

daydreaming of meet cutes

and crushing from afar

too shy to do anything about it

little miss shy at times

but also bold enough

to go after what she wants

even if she’s still figuring it out

little miss “figuring out my dating goals”

wanting deep secure expansive love

but scared of commitment and true intimacy

and getting her heart dropped again

little miss big heart and big feelings

with so much love and nowhere to put it

except for her dog and her friends and family

but she’s learning to pour it back into herself

little miss new single dog mom

happiest cuddled up with her baby on the couch

most nights she can’t be bothered to go out

especially not when it’s cold and rainy and dark

little miss done with the fuckbois

but something about a charming tall boy

until she realizes yet again that is not enough

and figuring out what really matters

little miss learning and growing

and holding her heart through it all

and practicing rest and patience

and kindness toward herself

little miss accepting the help

when it’s offered that second time

and breaking patterns and practicing boundaries

and telling herself: you’re doing amazing,

you’re doing just fine.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #little miss that’s me #ugh growth

[dearduende]

burnout dreams

my calendar

blocks disappearing

one by one meetings

canceled,

poof!

-

[an actual dream

I woke from this morning,

but today I did also get

my week of leave approved

so the countdown begins.]

#and then I woke up #writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #burnout #written by me

[dearduende]

how

how do I say

I want to do nothing

when the world keeps turning

and hurting and busyness

keeps churning as usual,

how do I feel

so tired all the time

maybe it’s the wheels spinning

stuck like my mind

and even writing

fails to un-stick me

the way it usually does,

how do I notice

the blur of burnout

in my periphery again,

that feeling of being heavy

with exhaustion and numbness again

that fear of tipping over the edge

(of what, I don’t know)

but it feels like I’m just about

to twitch and jump awake

except this sleeplessness

and sleepiness never ends.

how do I keep moving

when I’ve lost sight of the path

and I can barely manage the basics

to get me through the day

how do I slow down

how do I stop this

how do I hop off this train

that I’m not sure I even wanted

to board in the first place.

how do I even know

where I want to go

when all I want to do

is stop moving

for a moment.

#poem #poetry #writing #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #burnout #im tired #life is confusing

[dearduende]

showing up late to lunch with my grandparents

I’m sorry I’m so late

it’s good to see you

how are you?

yes I’ve been busy

and yes I look tired

no I haven’t had breakfast yet

thank you for saving me a plate.

I’m late because of my dog—

how do you say “separation anxiety”

and “crate training” in Cantonese?

I’m tired because last night I celebrated

a friend’s birthday and we went dancing until 2

but I don’t mention this or the tequila shots

or how I held my drunk girlfriends as they cried

about moving and about distance and the challenge

of sustaining meaningful adult friendships,

how do you say “slightly hungover”

and how do I explain how my body

can’t handle this the way it did before,

I guess what they say about turning thirty is true.

work is…. busy

and what is it I do again?

(proceed the game of telephone translation,

at least my parents understand what I do)

and I see their faces beam as they say:

ohhh so you’re helping people!

thank you for the roasted quail,

yes it’s very juicy here, and the eel

that grandpa has been eager to try

and the crab and ribs and pea shoots,

I don’t even bother mentioning the vegan

I recently dated, how even if it had turned into anything

there would be very little for him at this table.

thank you for trying to pour me tea

from across the expanse of table and lazy susan

but set it down, thank you, let me.

and do I ask grandma how she’s feeling,

mention her recent health test results,

scan my parents’ faces for some clue

as to how and what we talk about

when I can barely muster

the words in either language.

so we talk about the rainstorms and the traffic

and I listen to their favorite game of name that price:

well the crab is by the pound and so fresh,

it must be at least $40—wow what a great deal!

and I don’t know how to get any closer

or where I would even start but just showing up

is better late than never, for lunch or for life,

and I give them big hugs as we say goodbye:

thank you for everything,

I’m sorry for everything,

thank you and see you soon.

#poetry #writing #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #asian poets #grandparents #damn they’re getting older

[dearduende]

spark chasers

what even is a spark?

is it the flicker of candlelight

or the start of a bonfire

how does it start

and how do we hold it

when all the forces

seem to tamper with it,

how do we know

if it’s something lasting

like a steady hearth

or something hot and roaring

everything going up in flames,

what is a spark

and how do we know

if there might be action potential

when all we might feel at first

is a soft and steady glow,

but will it catch and will it grow

or will it splinter as hard as we try

to rub with flint spiraling into the ground.

what is a spark

and should we even chase it

when half the time they’re just fireworks

exploding and dissipating into the night sky

or a flare going up

to warn of the wreckage to come.

what is a spark

when I want warmth

and a fire I can tend to

with someone to tend with

are we smothering it too soon

before it even has a chance to catch

or are we calling it for what it is

something that isn’t quite enough

but if he’s a spark chaser

saying in a voice memo he can’t feel it

try as he might, he can’t find it here

then there’s nothing to do about it

so I release him back into the universe

to chase after sparks near and far

and tend to my own little fire

stoking the embers in my heart.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #dating #ugh

[dearduende]

heartspace

I have dusted and vacuumed

deep cleaning my space

inside and out and all the nooks

and crannies of my home and my heart

picking up each piece of memorabilia

long collecting dust on the shelves

each of these I hold tenderly, thank them,

and wipe them until they shine again.

I know I’m excited to welcome him

into my home and my heart space

because I don’t know when is the last time

I had properly dusted so many surfaces,

getting on my hands and knees

just to wipe down my baseboards,

and finally clearing the clutter of my desk

the mail and book piles I’d grown ignorant to

but seeing everything with fresh eyes

only wanting to hold and delight him.

I have tended to my heartspace

for many months and years

and finally, I feel as ready as ever

to light the candles and incense

and open the doors and windows

welcoming him in hoping

that he’ll stay a while.

#poetry #writing #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #dating #J #written by me #damn it am I falling in love again

[dearduende]

to love is

to love is

to gaze into his eyes

and hold his face, saying:

you’re going to break my heart someday

but until then, we’ll have a beautiful life

and I’ll try to cherish all of it,

even the forgettable Tuesdays

waking and saying goodnight

with him by my side.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #for my dog #poems for Drake #one month since I adopted him

[dearduende]

where were we again?

I have so many stories

and I’ve told them to so many people

I can’t keep track of who I told which to

like treasure I’ve buried and dug up

and buried again over and over in the yard,

multiple sacks and bottles and chests

of treasure scattered in the soil with no map

which isn’t what they warn you

about casually dating multiple people

for the last multiple years, it’s not

my soul that’s been compromised

(or maybe I’ll find out much later)

or my physiology that’s been altered

or my spark of romance that’s been tampered—

it’s my mythos I can’t keep straight

like a record scratching and jumping

and so I can’t keep track of who I’ve told what to.

it’s not the people I’m mixing up, it’s the stories,

the fragment offerings of me I present to them

as I reveal my cards only to drop all of them.

I have so many stories

and I can’t keep smiling and checking their face

for a glimmer of recognition when I mention something

to see if I’d already dug up and into this treasure

only to ditch it and bury it again

it’s these parts of me I can’t keep straight

which makes sense when I’ve lived a dozen lives

in three decades across all the continents but one—

I can barely piece it all together.

so where do I even begin when

for the last multiple years, it’s not

them I’ve been searching for, but myself,

it’s these parts of me I can’t keep straight

and sometimes the déjà-vu feels like an insanity loop

or maybe I’ll find out much later

which stories (and which people) really matter,

but wait, where were we again?

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #dating

[dearduende]

they say dogs are like their owners

they say dogs are like their owners

so that makes us both anxiously attached

at the hip and the waist he naps head in my lap

and cries and whines whenever I leave him

but I’m working on my secure attachment

and teaching him the ways of self- and co-regulation

so if dogs are like their owners

we’re both messy works in progress

and highly food motivated: we love broccoli

and peanut butter and we both are overachievers

always too eager to please with an instinct

to run ourselves beyond the point of fatigue.

we’re both learning how to sit

and how to wait (and do nothing)

the way Headspace says meditation

is just watching the cars go by without chasing

but we’re both sensitive beings easily overstimulated

in the big city and excited but shy at times

sometimes socially awkward with a serious exterior

when really we’re just a sad boi and a sad girl

with big hearts and big feelings

who just want to nap and to cuddle.

my dog is like me in that

he also has an irregular heartbeat

but is otherwise fit and healthy

and loves trail runs and the beach

and we sit at cafes and watch

the other people and their dogs

in our matching broccoli patterned fleeces

we’re stylin at the park and in my office downtown

because my dog is also a city person with roots in the farm

but it’s been many generations since (at least for me)

who knows what his life was like before his shelter journey

but whatever forces have been at play

to bring my dog into my life to this day

I’m glad this dog is like his owner

as we grow and learn and adventure together.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #poems for Drake #pup

[dearduende]

is this excitement

I feel stirring

that lone butterfly

long gone in hibernation

lifting her wings

defrosting in January sun

or is it a tickle

in my throat

from the chest cold

I’ve been fighting

or maybe it’s both

but there’s a glimmer

or something

promising,

not empty but open

promising

not definite but curious

promising

to open me up

from within again

to stretch my roots

for nourishment again

to turn my face

toward the warmth

and to bloom

again.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #dating again #J

[dearduende]

skincare routine dating timelines

big tee in bed all to myself

after my multi-step routine

I’m cleansed, toned, serumed,

oiled, gua-sha-ed, and moisturized

fresh faced and staying up for no reason

but to scroll and sometimes to write

until we collide and tangle

through the hall and into bed, finally

collapsing naked but for the makeup

still on my face, smudged and spent

staying up until the silly hours of 4am

in sleepless delirium shared by new bedmates.

after we wake I’ll dust the crust from my eyes

and wear the afterglow of morning sex,

a fresh blush paired with day-old makeup

and I’m sleep deprived and slightly hungover

and yet I’m glowing and never looked better.

we eventually settle

into more decent bedtimes

and I return to washing my face

and oiling and moisturizing

and he marvels as he breathes in

the bright zestiness of my vitamin C serum

kissing me through three layers

of skin nourishment, and asks

for me to share my skincare routine.

maybe he tries a cleanser for the first time

or incorporates a toner or evening moisturizer,

or maybe a tub of shea butter

makes its way onto his shelf

as we oil and tend to old scars

it sits there long after

we have said goodbye and parted ways,

we now return to our routines alone

but we’ve borrowed bits from each other

that linger as evidence of rituals shared

and ways we have tended and cared

and here I am again

big tee in bed all to myself

well me and my dog now

back on my multi-step routine

I have cleansed, toned, serumed,

oiled, gua-sha-ed, and moisturized

fresh faced and staying up for no reason

but to scroll and to write

and my dog snuggles and kisses me

adding three layers of heart nourishment.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #written by me #dating #skincare

[dearduende]

back on the apps

I’m back on the apps

and my eyes are already burning

not out of lust or desire

but from the endless scroll

and swipe and scroll again

through yet another profile

of mediocre photos

how the taller they get

the shorter their bios

and the way to their heart

seems to be with a scalpel

(🙄) or tacos.

I’m back on the apps

and I’m trying to not fall

for all the usual traps

like their photos with dogs

(“not mine!”)

or with babies

(“not mine!”)

or leading with a group photo—

don’t make me guess

in a game of who’s who

and if you don’t list your height

I’ll assume I’m taller than you.

(I’m a tall girl for the record.)

I’m not here to play games

but I’m also not 100% sure

exactly what it is I’m looking for,

or maybe I do know what I want

but I’m not sure I’m ready for forever

and I don’t want to seem too keen

like those who list “marriage”

as their dating goal setting.

so I’m back on the apps

and I’m trying to remember

how I can have fun

but also I can’t be bothered

by yet another prompt

debating pineapple on pizza

or yet another couple

of unicorn hunters.

I’m back on the apps

and I remind myself

I can be picky

and have patience

and be brave

because to open

my heart even a little again

is a courageous thing.

#writing #poetry #poem #words #poets on tumblr #new poets society #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poets corner #poets of tumblr #dating #written by me