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in an effort to keep the cats from getting fur all over clean quilts i’m going to try to apply the “if there is a circle, a cat will sit in it” maxim by hoping that if there is a different colored box of blanket on the bed, they will lie on it

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Also, if you live on campus they will most likely try to suck every dollar they can from you for “damages”. Most dorms/apartments will require a condition report as soon as you move in, and this is what will save you butt. Mark EVERY LITTLE THING you see. A scratch on the wall? Mark it. Some unidentifiable stuck in the grout of your personal shower? Yup, mark that too. I was charged for a dirty shower and a hole in the wall from the previous tenants because I didn’t know how throughly you had to check your room before submitting that report.

Be sure to be careful about the paint on the walls too. A lot of time colleges will thin it out with primer to stretch a bucket as far as they can, and this makes the paint super easy to peel off or even rub off in some cases. See if thumb tacks are allowed as opposed to command strips (those suckers will easily pull the paint off) and when putting up tension rods for curtains, wrap the ends with those flat cotton pads before putting it up. That way only a bit of fuzz will be left behind, because trust me, those tension bars will take the paint with it no matter the quality of the paint.

Actual good first-time college student advice:

Wear jeans/pants that “breathe” and bring a sweater, even if it’s scorching hot out, until you know which building blasts the AC to 60 degrees F and which feels like a sauna

Backpacks with thick straps are your friend!  Messenger bags are cool and all but if you’re commuting with a lot of stuff, symmetrically styled backpacks are better for your back

You are your own person and you can walk out whenever you need to or want to, so long as you’re not disrupting the class.  Meaning you can go to the bathroom without permission, take a breather if you’re anxious, answer an important phone call, etc.

If you don’t like the class on the first day, if you can- DROP THAT CLASS AND TAKE ANOTHER ONE!  It’ll only get worse from there!

If you can, take a class outside your major; it’s a good break from your expected studies.

You are in charge of your schedule.  Your adviser and guidance counselor is there to ‘advise and guide’ but if you don’t like certain classes and you can substitute for others, that’s your choice.

Consequently, if you are changing anything drastic in your plan, talk with your adviser and instructors.

Pay attention to your credit hours and grades.  Never leave this to the last week of school, you will be sorry and stressed beyond belief!

Unless it’s a lab book or otherwise specified, go to the class for a week or so before buying an expensive textbook.  Some classes, while having it on their required list, do not actually use the textbook a whole lot and you might find some of it scanned online.  Rent if you can or buy used online (schools actually don’t give discounts).  Use your best judgement on what you think you need.

Tell the people who go up to you selling or advertising things you are not interested in that you are in a rush to class and don’t have time to listen to them.  It’s less rude and they’ll leave you alone.

The smaller the class, the better it is to have some sort of acquaintanceship with a couple classmates.  They might save your ass if you are absent one day or need to study.  And talking with them makes the time go by faster without it being so insufferable.

You don’t need to join a club or sport, but internships are cool and useful!

If you can afford it, take a day off once or twice each semester if you’re too exhausted.  Just be aware of what you missed and if it was worth missing!

Your health is the most important, this goes for mental health too!!  Note: College-age/upper teens is when mental disorders like depression and anxiety are most commonly diagnosed.  Most schools have therapy services, especially during exam time.  Look into it if you need to!

Communicate with your professor if you are having trouble with something.  Anything.

Eat and stay hydrated.  Bring a water bottle and snack to class.

All-nighters will happen but never go over 36 hours without sleep.

It’s going to be hard and there will be times you might think about giving up.  This WILL happen.  You just have to make sure what you’re doing isn’t making you absolutely miserable and/or there is something rewarding and positive to look forward to at the end!

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My sister is so supportive every time I want another tattoo. I told her I was thinking about a rib one, and her response was “Make sure it’s not where your bra rubs so it won’t fade.” rather than pointing out I’m broke 

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As a writer, I tend to reflect a lot of what I’m feeling into my work. When someone comments “oh wow that’s really sad” or “man that’s dark” I realize I probably need to see a therapist and stop internalizing things so much

#mental health #writing #feelings #internalizing

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I’d say wtf but I guess that in itself is a mood

Today’s mood

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fuck it until you make it

gather round, folks, that i may pass down the tale of Fuck-It Jonn, because that dude is just the GREATEST FUCKING CONMAN in the WORLD, and he WASN’T EVEN TRYING. he absolutely fucking STUMBLED ON ACCIDENT into THE SCAM THAT WOULD DEFINE HIS ENTIRE LIFE. the lie that transformed his ENTIRE EXISTENCE out of SHEER RANDOM BULLSHIT.

and his sole motivation was to EAT FINGER FOOD.

consider:

in the Wayback Days™ before i was born, the people who would later become my parents had this friend named… yeah, let’s say jonn. i’d rather not say his real name. bitches not snitches, and all that.

so. france in the late 80s. jonn and my parents had just finished school and all found jobs in computer engineering. (not that they STUDIED computer engineering, mind you. no, they were all studying how to become fish farmers or some shit. but those were simpler times, when knowing how to turn the fucking screen on got you a comfortable salary at the ripe old age of 24 years old.)

except that jonn, who was a chill hippie kind of dude, was bored to death by his desk job. so bored that he decided to just up and quit. “fuck it”, was basically jonn’s motto. fuck it, he’d find something better! fuck it, and things would work out! EXCEPT (as you may have guessed) THEY DIDN’T. for months and months he didn’t find another job. and so he ended up depressed, struggling, and eating dinner at my future-parents’ tiny apartment, three times a week, so he wouldn’t literally starve.

time went by. jonn was still unemployed. so before his resources hit rock bottom, jonn did the only logical, reasonable thing. what’s that, you ask? begged for his old job back? went back to school? crawled home to his parents? ha ha! obviously you do not share jonn’s ADVENTUROUS AND ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT. and also you lack his BIZARRE LOGIC AND PLAIN WEIRD APPROACH TO LIFE.

what jonn did was: say “fuck it” (again) and leave for thailand.

because you see, thailand was cheap by french standards. so cheap that even a penniless dude on unemployment could live there for weeks on end, spending much less than he would have in france, as long as he didn’t mind roughing it. and jonn didn’t mind! “fuck it”, he’d said. and by god, he would stand by his words!

so jonn gamely scrounged up the money for the plane ticket and then… yeah. basically bummed it out in thailand. for two months. seeing the sights. sleeping on the street. making new friends.

and one of these news friends turned out to be very adept at FORGING PAPERS.

huh, jonn said to himself (probably high at the time) this sounds not at all shifty and more like a ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY; what could POSSIBLY GO WRONG. my new thai best friend is even offering me a FAMILY DISCOUNT. for fake papers. fuck it! let’s have some!

as far as i can tell, jonn… didn’t even need fake papers?? like, he was literally just trying not to pass up on an opportunity here. so he smoked some more weed (i can only assume) and got A BRILLIANT IDEA. fake ID card? LAME. fake driver’s licence? HACKNEYED. fake medical degree? PEDESTRIAN. no! jonn got himself a fake press card.

but why??

well, OBVIOUSLY, just so he could get into cultural events for free - conferences, art premieres, etc - and eat all the finger food. that was his grand plan. stroll into press-only events, wave his poorly-made card around, and gorge himself on canapés. no more going hungry! ever! jonn would live off tiny slices of toasted foie gras and flutes of cheap champagne for the rest of his life!

so now jonn, Very Obviously Fake Journalist™, is back in france and he’s DOING THE THING. and guess what? this was before google. before facebook. before linkedin. impersonating a journalist was very easy. if people asked where you worked you just said you were freelance, then steered the conversation to current politics and stealthily devoured the entire buffet while everybody was busy debating.

and so. this is what jonn is doing. his monumentally stupid plan is actually working. this is how he eats. with thai-made fake papers and sheer fucking confidence. and of course people start noticing him eventually! jonn is always fucking there! at all and any events in paris! because, again, THIS IS HOW HE EATS! but it’s always the same people running around in these circles, anyway. so nobody’s surprised to see the same dudes popping up over and over again. jonn blends in! and jonn is very good at making friends. and changing the subject. and eating canapés.

and then ONE DAY

one of jonn’s newfangled journalist friends (a REAL journalist, mind you, who has NO IDEA that jonn isn’t What He Seems) basically goes: “dude i’m so swamped rn. everyone wants everything all at once. fuck. shit. are you swamped too?”

“oh, for sure,” jonn says through a mouthful of his twenty-ninth serving of canapés that night. “not a second to myself”

“god. fuck. tell me about it. shit. i’m just so damn swamped.” Real Journalist shakes his head. “if i could only find someone to cover for me on this one article.”

now, i know i said before that jonn was smoking weed. but i must confess now i said it for humorous effect. i have no idea if jonn’s ever been within five hundred yards of a blunt his whole life. but what you must understand is that jonn is Chill™ on like. a soul-deep level. his whole mind is one long exhale of smoke followed by the words “fuck it”. this is a man who left his job for no reason, lived in thailand on a tourist’s visa for two months, got fake papers there for the lol of it all, and is now living off press-only events in paris. jonn was BORN HIGH.

SO. when RJ asks him: “dude. jonn. you said you were working freelance. i know you’re busy but don’t you think you could maybe cover for me? just this once?”

jonn NATURALLY answers: “fuck it. sure”

then goes to an unemployment center and applies for one of their free one-week classes. on journalism. jonn spends ALL OF ONE WEEK learning How To Write An Article Like A Real Journalist With A Real Press Card. then writes the article. basically bullshitting his way through that thing. half-assing the life out of it. faking his heart out. because why not? FUCK IT.

i have NO IDEA if he actually did a good job or not. but it was in fact good enough for RJ who really must have been truly swamped, and was so truly grateful that he told all of their mutual journalists friends. who were ALL SWAMPED. i’m given to understand it’s the natural state of the journalist in the wild.

and so jonn is now REGULARLY COVERING FOR ALL SORTS OF JOURNALISTS.

not making much money i assume. but still, not bad for a dude who studied journalism for five whole days.

and well, it’s kinda fun! better than moping around at home waiting for the next free canapé press-only premiere. so jonn keeps at it. and eventually it occurs to him that hey! he spent two months in thailand. why not make an article out of that? so he writes himself a lil paper, retelling his Bumtastic Adventures in the Land of Thai People, Cheap Living and Forged Papers (That Last One Having Nothing to Do With Him Personally of Course). and he’s kinda proud of it. so much that he gives it to his journalist friends. can they maybe pass it around? see if anybody would be interested in publishing it? for a modest fee and some more canapés?

and yeah. someone was in fact interested in publishing it. and that someone was:

THE

NATIONAL

GEOGRAPHIC

(french edition.)

so jonn got a REAL press card. got a FULL-TIME JOB at the national geographic. and spent the REST OF HIS WORK LIFE traveling abroad for six months, then going back to paris the rest of the year to write about his wacky journeys. he’s retired now, having published several books full of his articles and photographs. he’s bought a b&b in the french countryside with all his money. and continues to say “fuck it” to any problem that comes his way like the absolute fucking legend he is.

as far as i know, none of his journalist buddies nor his boss ever found out about any of this.

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A witch ladybug

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Avengers as dumb things actually said in court:

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Tony: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

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Attorney: Are you sexually active?

Bucky: No, I just lie there.

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Attorney: What is the date of your birth?

Steve: July 18th 4th

Attorney: What year?

Steve: Every year.

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Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Scott: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember.

Attorney: How long has he lived with you?

Scott: Forty-five years.

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Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Hulk: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Hulk: I forget…

Attorney: You forgot? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Bruce: Did you actually pass the bar exam???

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Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Sam: He’s twenty, much like your IQ

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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Natasha: Are you shitting me?

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Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Clint: Yes.

Attorney: And what were you doing at the time?

Clint: Getting laid.

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Attorney: She has three children, right?

Rhodey: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Rhodey: None

Attorney: We’re there any girls?

Rhodey: Your honour, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Wanda: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Wanda: Take a guess.

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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Peter: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Peter: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going to go with male.

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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Thor: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Strange: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Strange: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Strange: No.

Attorney: So, is it then possible that the patient have still been alive?

Strange: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Strange: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Strange: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Thanos: *Ranting about saving the world by destroying half of it*

Natasha: I'm trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.

#avengers #nat #black widow #thanos #snarky #natasha #romanoff

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mcu characters as dumb shit my classmates have said

steve rogers: five year plan? you know who had a five year plan? stalin. look where he ended up.

tony stark: guys. emergency: my outfit isn’t dope enough today.

clint barton: [on a scooter] you’re driving? you fucking loser, i’m scooting!”

natasha romanoff: she’s complaning, meanwhile I was eating my 5th cricket.

bruce banner: where’s the fire extinguisher in this room? GOD do they not care about safety???

thor odinson: KYLE, BRO, ARE YOU SHITTING ME? I THOUGHT WE HAD A DATE? CMON, MAN.

loki odinson: here’s yet another situation in which being a chameleon would be useful.

sam wilson: I know you don’t like me, which is exactly why I asked the teacher to move my seat next to you.

scott lang: do you have any deodorant? or maybe some orange juice, either will work.

hope van dyne: anyone eating a mini candy cane looks like a pussy.

peter parker: hey, off topic question, are you more of a lewis or a clark kind of gal?

rhodey: we are not getting in a robotic argument. not today.

shuri udaku: I can’t see the math problem through my tears.

wanda maximoff: oh, I committed some sins early on, for sure.

valkyrie: if I were high, it wouldn’t be on weed. that’s weak.

t'challa udaku: that’s not how you eat pasta in these lands, you ignorant slut. 

stephen strange: shift your eyes to the wonders of my fingers.

bucky barnes: I have a lot of feet… but not enough hands… what do I do here?

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God I was at that restaurant in Annapolis yesterday that serves those 4 lbs milkshakes and these two dudes were just finishing one together and people were asking them for tips and they were like “you have to get like mint chocolate chip or something because if there’s no texture it gets too boring to finish” and all I could keep thinking was that it can only be a matter of time before some god wipes this town off the map and we will have earned it with our disgusting hubris

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I didn’t realize how invested I was in Chris Evans being Captain America until he announced he was done after Avengers 4. I feel like I just was cheated on in a way??????

#captain america #chris evans #avengers #bye chris #steve rogers #avengers 4 #chris leaving the avengers

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My mom told me I always look put together and I’ve been thinking about it whenever I feel like I look like a skink so thanks Mom for that confidence boost 💕

#confidence boost #mom #moms are the best #be kind

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Boys will STAY boys if we do not teach them to be accountable men.

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omg so yesterday i put a salt line on the pathway to our front door because i was fucking around and my brother was pretending to be a demon

and today we ordered pizza and the salt line was still there

and my brother went outside to sign for the pizza

and the pizzaman refused to step over the salt line, like he almost did and then he backed up and handed my bro the pizza and left; which is pretty ridiculous because it’s far from our door

so a heads up to everyone i’m pretty sure domino’s is actually run by demons??? kind of like how in men in black the post office is run by aliens