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figs-and-cigs · 7 days
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I try to meet people where they're at. Of course that means I have to sit down with them and actively ask them.
"What is this relationship to you? And where do you see this relationship ideally going?" The scariest part is knowing that our answers may not align and having to make changes based on that.
I have a play partner I've known for years. When I realized I actively like polyamorous relationships I had to have the conversation with him. He did not want something more intimate, though he was willing to meet my partner(s) and attend events. That was something I eventually decided I could be happy with. We're still play partners, see each other ever few months and I'm satisfied with the relationship. It also led me to actively seek a poly relationship that aligned more with my desires.
On another note, I had to learn not every poly person likes garden party/kitchen table dynamics - which is something that's important to me. It's totally ok if that's not something they like, but it means I'll deescalate the relationship and we likely won't see each other as often, assuming it's a relationship I wish to continue.
But I have to ask the questions. I have to know my desires and needs within the dynamic and my partner(s) have to be open to discussing these things. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, leads to a lot of emotions, maybe even hurt feelings. But no one gets their desires/needs met if we don't talk about it. And yes, sometimes that means ending the relationship, deescalating, and negotiating. Sometimes it means things align. Either way nothing changes if nothing changes.
Also, have an awesome birthday, regardless of what this guy does. You deserve a great day no matter what 💕
I’m the product of an extremely narcissistic mother and as a result I’m exceptionally non-confrontational and don’t know how to properly express my feelings or convey them. Ani really hurt my feelings tonight, on the one hand he was really sweet and texted me when he saw a UMK3 cabinet while he out but on the other hand he was at a friend’s bday party. What hurt me was he wouldn’t drive 45 mins to celebrate my birthday with me, he wouldn’t make me a priority but he drove 4 hours home from his golf trip to make his friend one. I feel like I’m an after thought to him and maybe I am, maybe all I am to him is a booty call or worse a rebound fuck and he feels absolutely nothing for me. I just wish if that was the case he would treat me like that and not do little things like text me selfies with finger hearts or Mortal Kombat arcades, like obviously he pays attention and knows I love MK and knew that would make me excited. Like why put in effort if I’m not a priority in your life at all? I understand he was uncomfortable with the prospect of meeting my partner, but he is dating?/fucking?/involved with a polyamorous woman and that means you can’t ignore her partner forever. What hurt me is he couldn’t put aside his discomfort for my happiness. I told him how important of a birthday it was for me and still nothing. I guess I’m just expecting too much of him. Again I just want a straight answer, do we have a relationship or just an arrangement? I don’t know how to ask him without potentially hurting his feelings or upsetting him or myself though. So, I guess I’ll just keep pushing down my feelings and just doing whatever he wants whenever he wants because that’s how things work. I only get to see him when he wants to see me or I guess I should say when he’s sick of jacking off. I don’t know I’m so hurt and confused and so messed up right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to be an adult, I can handle a no strings attached sexual arrangement if that’s what it is but I can’t handle being jerked around and toyed with. This sucks.
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figs-and-cigs · 17 days
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Some notes about polyamory for the ill-informed:
If someone wants one sided polyamory (they get to date multiple people/one other specific person AND you, you don't) that's bullshit and you should tell them to go fuck themselves.
Don't date a couple. If a couple wants you to be involved with both of them, that is bullshit and you should tell them to go fuck themselves. (You can make an exception for a couple who mostly date separately if you really want to, but generally it's best to date people one on one.)
Don't move to be with someone who would not move for you.
Don't move in with someone that you've known for less than a year or invite someone that you've known for less than a year to move in with you, especially if there's going to be some sort of "Dave is in a relationship with both Bob and Martin" thing and Martin is being asked to move in with Dave and Bob. Ditto if it's both Martin and his husband Luke. Regardless of genders that's not the point (acruallt this is usually a m-f couple dating an f, or a quad of two m-f couples, but again not the point.)
Don't have sex without a condom with someone who "doesn't like using condoms" unless you're monogamous and it's been a few months since either of you has fucked anyone else AND you really trust this person/have had a long time for this person to build trust with you.
Be skeptical about people who have a live-in partner/spouse/kids who insist that they are "non-hierarchical" or that if you dated them you would be treated equally to their live-in partner/spouse/parent of their children.
Don't make someone your top priority if you are not their top priority. (ie, if someone has a life partner and you don't, and you want to date them, have fun but don't make life partner style sacrifices for them. Don't pay to put them through college. Don't bail on friends to go on dates with them when going on dates with you is the dead bottom of their priority list. Don't let your career plans or education plans or life plans get disrupted over them. And if you can't keep yourself from treating them like a potential life partner? Stop seeing them.)
Wanting the same thing out of a relationship is key. Poly people should not date people who want monogamy. People who want a live in relationship should only date people who don't if they are ok with that particular relationship not going in that direction. People who are very cautious about STI risk should not date people who have very little caution (and aren't willing to adjust for a partner.) Etc.
Part of that is if you are in a monogamous relationship and one partner announces they now understand themselves to be polyamrous, usually that's going to end the relationship. Not because polyamorous people cheat or anything, but because most people want monogamy and when one person wants polyamory and one wants monogamy they don't want the same relationship.
Polyamory isn't cheating, but if someone is cheating and then says they want polyamory, most likely they are just trying to legitimize their cheating and are not able to offer healthy polyamory.
You can love someone and not be able to have a good relationship with them.
A relationship does not have to be for life to be a good relationship.
A relationship does not have to be a live-in relationship to be a good relationship.
If you want polyamory, start as you mean to continue. Don't get into a relationship and later open up, start relationships with the understanding that both people are free to date other people.
If you're polyamorous and want to date a monogamous person against recommendations, or someone who's curious and not sure whether it'll work for them long term or not, don't dial things back to "build a foundation". Act the way you want to keep acting so they get used to things the way they are going to be. A monogamous foundation does not work as a foundation for a polyamorous relationship. You need a polyamorous foundation.
Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you (unless you don't want sex in which case don't have it.)
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figs-and-cigs · 19 days
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Another polyamory rant.
I now officially have a new girlfriend we've been together several months and we've told most of our mutuals. Yay!
The frustration though? I'm absolutely stunned how many people have asked if she's dating my husband too. (Mind you, the actual poly friends have not asked this question.) But ffs, NO my husband and I do not date each other's partners. We do NOT unicorn hunt. We are not trying to "add a third" to our relationship. And it makes me so mad people think that is the default. Ugh NO. My husband only ends up interacting with my partners at group events (like poly munches). I only interact with his partners at group events. We do not involve ourselves in each other's relationships period. That would be weird.
On another frustrating and similar note. Once again a woman asked my husband out, found out I was bisexual, then asked if the three of us could go on a date. Like, giiiirl? We've had two conversations, we have nothing in common, there's literally no chemistry between us. I'm not even attracted to you! You asked HIM out because you both get alone, so date him and leave me out of it. Instead I froze 🙈 and said maybe another time I'm not available that day. Then went on my rant to hubby when we left the munch. He had a similar frustration, he was someone to date him for him, not for me as a possible bonus. 🙄
Meanwhile my parents keep asking my girlfriend to events - partially because they think it'll lure me out to the event. As cool as that is, it's really weird. Like I'm excited I could introduce them, but I didn't expect them to want to hang out with her. And now my inner teenager wants to rebel and find a partner to introduce them to that they'll HATE. Just to seen what happens.
Ok rant over.
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figs-and-cigs · 23 days
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figs-and-cigs · 30 days
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I was taught that guilt is the idea I have done something wrong, and shame is the idea that I AM something wrong.
I find in these situations differentiating between the two helps immensely.
If there's internalized polyphobia and a mindset that polyamory is somehow wrong - that guilt is natural. I've found the best way for clients/friends to address that is by connecting with other polyamorous people who have successful happy poly relationships. In person groups and munches are great for that.
If I recognizing I haven't done anything wrong, the guilt often dissipates. If I haven't don't anything wrong and I still have that feeling then it all has to do with my perception of myself and my lack of self love, self esteem, self care. These things take a lot of internal work and sometimes therapy to address.
So, long term poly people, how do you deal with irrational guilt for having a multiple partners? Like, it was all agreed to, we're all happy, but for the first time I felt bad for flirting with one of my partners because of my other on, who I had been dating for much longer. I literally never had this problem before. Internalized polyphobia is a bitch. Any advice for how to deal with it?
I'm hoping my my followers can relate and weigh in, because I've never... really... had this feeling? My longest-term partner has never given me any shit so even if there was traces of it to begin with (and I do not remember this being the case), I very quickly learned it wasn't warranted. Like if my lover felt bad, I would struggle immensely with it, but that's never been an issue.🤷
Having said that, my general advice with most unpleasant emotions that come up I think still applies. That is, sit with the emotion and really get down to the root of what drives it (some questions to start you off: Do you feel you're taking something from your partner? What? Do you feel guilty because you feel uncomfy when the shoe's on the other foot and your partner is being flirty with someone else? Is your partner teasing you about it and making you worry its an issue? Is it just that you're "supposed" to feel guilty for it, and if so why do you value the dominant culture enough to care? etc.) Then you can go from there. Do not rush this step though! It can take time to untangle feelings.🤗
Something that has also been helpful for me feeling good about the whole situation is my partner appreciating that I'm dating someone else. A little "I love seeing you so excited!🥰" or "Aw, that's so sweet! And it'll give me some time to do [thing]" goes a long way or me! If that's something that might help you, see if your partner can give you some of that reassurance too.
Best of luck, friend! You'll figure it out, and your partners will be there to help you!💙💖🖤 Your love is not so easily bound as others, and that's a good thing!!
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figs-and-cigs · 30 days
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Uhm, Polyamory is not illegal in Canada. There is nothing in the law that prohibits you or anyone else from having multiple romantic partners.
Polygamy, having multiple spouses, on the other hand is illegal - for a variety of reasons.
In many religions where polygamy is practiced (but not recognized by the law in Canada and US) it is historically and typically one man with multiple wives, in which the women are often subservient to the husband. In such circumstances (and historically) women have been subjected to physical, emotional, and financial abuse. There's usually an unequal power dynamic and lack of autonomy for the wives.
With that in mind, it becomes difficult for a government to ensure legal equality of rights and protections for marriages with multiple partners. It would complicate the system in regards to financials, properties, custody etc.
Could the system change to accommodate marriages with more than 2 spouses? Possibly, but the concern of marriage fraud for the tax breaks alone is one reason the government won't allow it.
That being said. It's not illegal to be polyamorous and have multiple romantic partners. You might not have a court document signed for the government to recognize those relationships, but you can have all the commitment ceremonies, ring exchanges, and anniversaries you like. Your polycule can pool their money together and buy an enormous house to live in and fight over who cooks dinner every night.
A good friend of mine has two partners she calls her husbands. One she is legally married to. The other, while not 'married', she started a business with since a contract stating them as co-owners and equal partners to something they invested in was as close to legal as they could get. Both partners are equally her husbands regardless of what the government papers and taxes say.
And while there's lots of debate about whether polyamory is something you are vs something you do and where it falls under the lgbtq+ umbrella; I feel it's always important to note that there are many heterosexual people in polyamorous relationships who would not fit into queer spaces as anything other than an ally.
polyamory is unfortunately illegal here in Canada. But I really think it should also be legalized for queer people. Cuz like that still falls under lgbtqia rights law, right?
If it’s legal for religious individuals and organizations, it should be legalized for us!
And we talk about it all the time in my diversity classes at school too.
So if anyone else agrees with me, please boost this.
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figs-and-cigs · 1 month
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Open Relationships encompass so many relationships styles. While most who state they're in an open relationship typically mean they have multiple physical relationships it still includes dynamics like polyamory where there are multiple emotional/loving relationships.
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figs-and-cigs · 1 month
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“You say you want a free and wild woman
Until you realize
That this means
She
And she alone
Decides how she moves through the world
In her juicy flesh
Until you realize
That she is not a commodity
That her nudity isn’t a mystery to be uncovered
A prize to be won
It’s not saved for you
She belongs to the earth
Her first love
Her priority
Is service to all of Creation
You see
You cannot possess her
You cannot hide her away
You cannot pick and choose
The wildness you approve of
And the wildness that threatens your claim
On who you think she ought to be
To you
For you
She is not for you
She never will be
But
What she will be
Is A force of Love
So great
That your life will be flipped upside down
Until everything false
Burns away
And only Truth remains
A Love like you’ve never known it before
As commanding as the ocean current
As consistent as the sunrise
As powerful as molten rock
As purifying as a monsoon
She will confront you
Challenge you
Break you
And soften you
Into surrender
She will invite you
With a glimmer in her eyes
To come play with
The Divine
To Make Love to the elements
To be raptured by the energy all around us
When you’re with a Wild Woman
It’s a threesome, babyyy,
You, her, and Mother Earth
In a titillating dance
Of ecstatic rebirth
With all of Creation’s
Invitation
To go deeper
And deeper still”
~🌟💚 Maisie Lynn ✨️ Fairy Goddess Magic
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figs-and-cigs · 2 months
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figs-and-cigs · 2 months
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Poly things that annoy me even though I am poly.
- The idea of dating multiple people to get your "needs" met. Like my partners aren't little need fulfilling machines. I'm an adult, I try to meet my own needs. If my partner(s) can help with that, cool! But I'm with them because I like being with them - not for what they do for me!
- "Define the Relationship". I get it, it'll be nice to know how to introduce each other. Are we dating? Am I your girlfriend? FWB? Play partner? But like it's been 3 months buddy, and we've only been on 4 dates - you want to outline our whole relationship right NOW!? Can't we just enjoy each other and let shit evolve without creating all these parameters?
- Making requirements. There's a fine line between agreements within our relationships and demanding need fulfillments that look like rules. You want me to call you everyday? Cool. You can only feel secure in our relationship if I call you everyday? Hun, if you're going to panic because I had a busy day with my kids and other partners you might want to call your therapist.
- Unicorn Hunters who think they're ethical. Requiring your partner's partner to date you is icky. Period. And I don't care if the unicorn is naive enough to think it's normal. It's not.
- Jealousy being labeled a red flag and expecting the individual to figure it out on their own. Don't get me wrong, if I'm jealous - yes it's my issue to address - but like it's borderline abusive if my partner won't even discuss it or act like jealousy isn't a normal healthy experience even within poly!
- Making your relationship style you're entire personality. I know, I know, I ended up making my Tumblr blog all about my poly, but I do have relationships and hobbies that have nothing to do with poly. I swear!
- That one dude. You probably met him at a munch. He's all, "my girlfriends found out about each other. How do I make them be ok with this? And keep them from dating other dudes like me?" Fuck that guy.
- The cliques and cultish vibes. Seriously, how do I make my poly meet up group less weird?
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figs-and-cigs · 4 months
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Dr Tingle, how can you have so much love and positivity when this world is so full of hate? I get so worn down by it. I try hard to spread love but hugging someone is hard when they light you on fire.
How are you so strong?
BODY: hour and a half hike at 6 am in the morning then a half hour of 40 pound kettlebell every single day
MIND: by being autistic its the dang best
SOUL: knowing love is real
in my opinion the soul part matters most but every buckaroo is different see what works for you bud.
that being said, you are STRONG already. you have a trot that is uniquely yours and NOBODY else has that power. there is nobody else as good at being you as you are and that is infinitely mighty, especially once a buckaroo figures out how to wield this cosmic gift. but make no mistake it is in you from the start
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figs-and-cigs · 4 months
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Something I haven't seen spoken about a lot is the psychological impact of being chronically ill and experiencing horrific symptoms, and knowing that literally no one can help you.
I could call a doctor, but I already know what's wrong. There's literally nothing they can do for me. And I can't afford to go just for reassurance.
I'm just in a flare and sometimes it's Like This. And you just have to swallow symptoms that live in the nightmares of well people, because you can't just have an emotional breakdown every time you're in a flare.
So I'm in horrible pain and distress, and I can't call for help, because no one can help me, and I have to act like it's fine, so I don't worry other people who get Very Upset that I can't just Fix It
And there's just a deep psychological burden in that, that I don't think well and able bodied people ever really think about.
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figs-and-cigs · 5 months
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People/partners are allowed to be jealous/upset/have uncomfortable emotions - untangling and addressing those feelings is part of the process and different for everyone.
However the moment someone begins expressing their discomfort in inappropriate ways (speeding, slamming doors, silent treatment etc. as mentioned), if they can't address it immediately (apologize and do whatever they need to not behave that way again) I'm out.
I can be compassionate and sympathetic if someone is having a hard time, but I will not subject myself to abusive behaviors. Full stop. Period. No amount of jealousy, fear, anger is an excuse to treat someone badly. If he can't calmly discuss it like and adult or seek help to manage these behaviors I'd suggest making an exit plan before things escalate.
I need my fellow poly/ethically non monogamous people to give me advice. My partner and I are worlds apart in our acceptance and dealing with jealousy when it comes to being open. For example. He had his partner over today at our house. They’ve been dating for months now. I’m super comfy with this. I like her she’s nice. It didn’t bother me and I honestly wasn’t even a bit jealous. But while at the grocery store (in the same day as his date) we ran into someone he knows I’m chatting with and going on a date with this weekend. It was a completely different response. His easily noticeable actions when he’s jealous or upset started. Speeding, being short, slamming doors, leaving me outside while walking into the house, letting me carry all the bags, ignoring me when home, etc. Any time I bring up that his actions are upsetting and that it’s not fair he tells me it’s actually not fair that I don’t acknowledge the progress he’s made. He’ll say sorry and stuff and own up to the actions. But he doesn’t do anything to change. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. It feels like he’s getting the supportive, loving, understanding, cool partner and I only ever get the jealous one. If I go on a good date it’s always ruined by his jealousy.
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figs-and-cigs · 5 months
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Gift cards to restaurants has become my go to for my polycule friends. Going out to eat is expensive! Especially if they're trying to cover 3+ people. Even if the card doesn't cover an entire meal it can help make a date night doable. If I'm throwing money at a gift I'm unsure of, I'd rather just give them money - gift cards at least look thoughtful lol.
When it comes to individual gifts, if I can't think of something, I've gotten more comfortable with directly asking what's on someone's list. If they say nothing they get an empty box and something random. (Guess how many empty boxes and stupid T-shirts my partner now has? He wears them, but this year he actually made a list!)
guys what the fuck am i supposed to get my poly parents for christmas (who at this point might not even be poly with the way shit is going idk my dad might just be getting cucked). i am tight on cash so i'm trying to get a 3-for-1 gift that all of them will use and appreciate after i move out. only i can't google "poly/throuple gifts" because it's all like cheeky poly merch and stuff which is fine but this is NOT about them being poly this is about being USEFUL TO THE FUNCTION OF THE POLY HOUSEHOLD. please help
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figs-and-cigs · 5 months
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When you begin your polyamory journey, no one will be able to adequately explain how hard it is to balance multiple relationships.
But at the same time, they won't be able to describe how incredibly fulfilling it is, either.
If you work on and manage that balance, it's so utterly worth the effort.
Polyamory isn't easy. But then, neither is any kind of relationship.
But if you're prepared to do the work and build your relationships, polyamory can open the door to such rewarding, emotional fulfilment that you won't even notice the hard work it needs because the rewards are so incredibly overwhelming.
(Discover more at DiscoveringPolyamory.com)
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figs-and-cigs · 5 months
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you don't know how much i love your blog for CELEBRATING polyamory. it's exactly what i've missed all those days.
🐟i hope "fish anon" isn't taken yet
i started my poly relationship almost a year ago, it is hard sometimes, but wonderful. i have never seriously considered it before, even though my relationship was open already. both me and my spouse fell in love with our best friend and it turned out he fell for us too. harmony achieved, a triad in which everyone loves each other.
i looked up websites where i could share my joy and tried reddit. it was a mistake. i found no joyful stories to read, only complaints and expressions of fear, and my story was not met well either. it was devastating. i wanted to hear happy poly people to understand that we are not alone.
turns out we aren't. i should've searched tumblr first.
thank you again for your blog and all the people that write you asks for giving me faith in love❤️
Hi 🐟!!
That's exactly why I started this blog! Forums talking about hardships are important and all, but I was getting a little depressed with them 😅
For me, monogamy was the bad thing. Relationships that looked so good kept crashing and burning. I felt trapped. I felt like I fell out of love with people because, through no real fault of theirs, i felt trapped. And then I felt trapped in that feeling. Because what else was I supposed to do? Devastation. And then all these things saying "polyamory doesn't work" and a four-page essay about how it ruined their love life and just. Fuck dude.
But then I did it. And literally like, 80% of all my relationship problems were solved (and it only created like 10% new ones). We do this, because for us, its perfect. This has genuinely completed my life.💟 There were growing pains, but polyamory is literally the happiness I thought was always out of reach.
And what a joy it is to be able to give that to others!💗The community that has come up has overwhelmed me, and each ask I am reminded I am not a freak, I am not alone, I am not incapable of a lasting love! And neither are any of us!❣️!
Now, you and your little school of fishies better keep loving each other!
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figs-and-cigs · 5 months
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When my primary started seeing a woman who I precieved to be a walking red flag I told him once very gently, "I think she's unstable and will bring a lot of drama into your life. I think you deserve so much better. Obviously, I want you to do what makes you happy and if she makes you happy then I'm happy - and I know you're capable of making the best decision for yourself."
I tried not to give my opinions about her after that. If we happened to be at events where we might interact I kept it very positive and cordial. The relationship ended pretty quickly which also proved me to my primary is absolutely capable of taking care of himself and having boundaries. I was able to carry that into future relationships with metamours. Along with the reminder that it's not my relationship and I can also have boundaries around my interactions with them.
The other thing that comes to mind is that my primary never gave his opinion on someone I was dating until I was struggling with the decision to break up with them. And only then did he just validate the thoughts and feelings I was having. I try to practice that now as well unless I see some really concerning red flags.
One thing I really love about polyamory is the freedom and autonomy to have our own relationship experiences/journeys - including the negative ones! It's a huge opportunity to learn and grow.
I wonder if you’re willing and able to give me a little advice. When I’ve been in poly relationships, working on jealousy over metamours has been an ongoing task. This is pretty normal, I understand, but I noticed the feelings were much stronger and more difficult to handle well when the metamour in question was a man. I’m a lesbian, and while there are several very wonderful men friends in my life who I love very much, I find it difficult to trust and respect men who I haven’t gotten to know (and all too often, even when I have gotten to know them).
I guess what I’m asking for is advice on how to cultivate compersion when your metamour is someone you don’t especially like or respect. And I suppose I should add that I’m not currently in a poly relationship, I have been before and I’d like to again, and I’d like to do a better job this time.
The key is usually to focus on trusting your partner. There may be a lot of very legitimate reasons to not trust or respect a metamour. But at the end of the day, you aren't the one dating them. The important thing is if they make your partner and are good for them. You can let them know your opinion of said metamour if you are worried about your partner but you need to respect your partner's autonomy in making their own choice.
I think what makes this is even harder is that is subjective to your partner's opinion rather your subjective take or even objectively. Said partner may very well in-fact just be factually bad and unhealthy for your partner. But if your partner is wants to choose them then it is best to support them to a point. You may need to accept that one day that metamour will hurt your partner and brake their heart but until that happens your partner just might not be ready to brake up yet so you just need to let them go through the journey themselves and then be there for them without telling them how you told them so.
Course all of the above is dealing with moderation. Obviously if you think your metamour is a legitimate murderer or something then that is a different story.
Finally I won't sugarcoat it. Sometimes all that is too much to take. It isn't unheard of that somebody breaks up with their partner because their metamour is too much to handle and you can't put up with the tug of war. I think most of the time that is avoidable and things can be worked. But it is important to acknowledge that could possibly happen and just be prepared for it.
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