I'm "babe can you check who texted me" loyal
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Healthy Relationships Look Like:
"I am trying to understand what you are saying to me right now but I'm having a hard time, is there a way you could phrase it differently?"
"I'm feeling really angry/upset right now and I need some space to calm down."
"I feel like you're being unfair to me and it's hurting my feelings."
"I'm sorry, I was wrong."
"I'm hearing that you are feeling very anxious today and that's making things harder."
"I want to do XYZ, what would be good for you?"
"Stay safe and have fun at XYZ, and let me know if you need anything!
"XYZ is a strong boundary that I'm not comfortable crossing, but ZYX is something I might change my mind about so let's keep talking about it."
"I don't agree with you on this but I respect that you have your own feelings and opinions."
"It's okay if you're not ready to talk about XYZ, but I'm here for you when you're want to tell me."
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I’m going to tell you a secret that I wish someone had told me a long, long time ago:
If you’ve been in nothing but toxic and unhealthy relationships for most of your life, your first healthy relationship is probably going to feel boring.
I spent the majority of my teenage years and early 20s in a series of unhealthy relationships. My relationships were all unhealthy in very different ways, but there was one thing they had in common: they were unpredictable, and in a perverse way, that made them addicting. There’s something weirdly thrilling about a relationship that is off-the-charts intense all of the time, even if it’s often a bad intense. My stomach used to drop like I’d just gone down the first hill of a roller coaster every time I opened the door to the apartment I used to share with my ex, because I never knew what I was going to find inside. Maybe he’d be on the couch, writing a song about me with that big smile on his face. Maybe he’d be half-coherent and the entire apartment would be trashed, with all the shades drawn. Maybe he’d be gone altogether with absolutely no explanation, and no way of getting in touch with him. There’s a sick thrill to waking up every morning and not knowing if your day is going to end with an impromptu romantic 2 am adventure that involves kissing under the stars, or if you’re going to go to bed in tears because you just got screamed at in a dumb fight over paper towels. Maybe it’s both.
Often, it was both.
And after a while, when someone makes your heart pound every time you see them, your brain stops trying to learn the difference between attraction and fear.
Then in my final year of my master’s degree, I swiped right on the right person and got into the first healthy relationship I had ever been in. My new relationship was everything I could have dared to hope for, back in the days when I was begging my ex to tell me where he was because he hadn’t been home in four days, or getting woken up at four a.m. because he’d found a man’s name when he went through my phone while I was sleeping and didn’t believe it was my brother. My new partner is, at a very fundamental level, an incredibly gentle and thoughtful person. Regular “good morning” and “good night” texts became a regular staple of my day, instead of passive-aggressive jabs and so-called “silent treatments”. Encouragement was given freely, without any accusations that I was seeking attention or trying to out-do him. Birthdays and important dates were remembered without any reminders. Hugs were given out in generous quantities, small issues were laughed off instead of fought over, and male friends were encouraged instead of demonized. At long last, I had the relationship I had always wanted.
And to my absolute horror, I realized I was bored.
Without even realizing it, I had trained myself to think of relationships as battles, and being in a healthy relationship for the first time felt like I had suited myself up for an epic war, only to end up in an old ladies’ pottery class. The lack of unhealthy behaviours started making me antsy. Why wasn’t he going through my phone and looking through my social media? Did he just not care? Did it just not matter to him that other guys might be speaking to me? Why was I feeling so calm all the time? Where was the adrenaline rush? Why weren’t we clashing more? Did it mean that we just weren’t invested enough to even bother to fight with each other? We were - and are - deeply compatible people who have a lot of fun with each other, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that the relationship just wasn’t intense enough. I absolutely knew that my past relationships were deeply unhealthy, but it’s hard to un-learn the idea that relationships should be high-stakes and constantly exhausting if both people truly care about each other.
It took a lot of time, but I gradually come to realize something: I’d never actually known love in any of my previous relationships. What I had known was obsession. My exes had put me up on pedestals, and ripped me down as soon as I failed to live up to impossible expectations. Over and over again. Everything was big and over-the-top: life was a series of grand gestures, big fights and enormous apologies. I had one ex comb through years and years of my social media photos, commenting on every single one, while another ex would make the hour-long drive to my house in the middle of the night several times per week, whenever he felt like seeing me, letting himself in through my bedroom window. When you’re young and don’t know any better, that level of obsession is flattering. It’s what we’ve been taught is romantic. But it’s not - it’s not a good basis for a strong and healthy relationship. And in the end, none of it was really about me. My exes were caught up in ideas about the relationships they’d fantasized about having, and the way they wanted people to perceive them, and I was more or less just there to play a part. And it always came crashing down.
Real love, on the other hand, is not about the grand gesture. It’s not about non-stop “dialed-up-to-11″ intensity. It’s about being there, day by day. My boyfriend has never gone through my social media for six straight hours or broken into my house because he couldn’t wait a moment longer to see me, and he’s never screamed at me for having male names in my contacts list or for not texting back fast enough because he’s just so afraid to lose me. Instead, he is patient. He is kind. He listens to what I have to say and he doesn’t get upset about the small things and he always remembers to make my coffee exactly how I like it. I know that he will be there for me when I need him - whether I need to vent about a bad day at work or build a bookcase or double-check that I added enough salt to the soup - and I do the same for him. It’s a kinder, gentler kind of relationship, and now that I’m used to it, it’s anything but boring.
Don’t get me wrong - sometimes a relationship can be healthy and not be right for you. If you don’t have anything in common and you don’t enjoy doing things together, that’s probably not the relationship for you. It’s important to have fun with your partner and enjoy their company. But it’s also important not to mistake obsession for romance, or mistake a lack of intensity for disinterest.
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Normalize black women in luxury and in love.❤️
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Divine love, unconditional love, pure love, faithful love, compassionate love, supportive love, healing love, spiritual love, Sunday morning peace kind of love. You are worthy of the best love you can imagine. If you can give it, you can receive it. If you feel it, others feel it too. If it exists in your heart, it will exist in others too, so don’t ever settle for less.
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I feel like whenever there’s a post talking about, like, autistic people doing boundary-violating behavior or otherwise Icky Stuff, there’s loads of reblogs like “well I’m autistic and *I* know that’s bad to do” implying that, like…the behavior is either unconnected to being autistic or that a Real Autistic person wouldn’t do that.
But look. In middle and high school I had a couple of very, very unhealthy, obsessive… “crushes” or fixations on people that led me to do all sorts of uncomfortable and boundary-crossing things, and in hindsight I feel awful about because I realize how uncomfortable I probably made those people feel.
And it was 100% connected to me Being Autistic, and it doesn’t help me to pretend that it wasn’t, because my brain was just very, very prone to doing the obsession thing. I feel like it’s almost like an awkward secret we don’t talk about, but you absolutely can have a “special interest” in a PERSON.
It was not healthy. At all. I was miserable and the people I was fixating on were surely not having a great time either.
I’ve felt…awful about it, for a long time, because it’s pretty difficult to talk about your autism being connected to something you did that was Objectively Shitty, and it WAS Objectively Shitty. 100%. And at least on tumblr, people will want to be like “no your autism didn’t make you do Bad Thing, you just chose to be bad and are blaming your autism.”
But what actually went wrong?
The first thing is that I did not understand what was happening in a way that let be like “hey, maybe this is hurting me and hurting the other person.” I went into this miserable obsessive spiral centered on a person and thought “oh, this is what a crush is like” and everything I saw validated me.
I was told by the world around me and my peers that “crushes” were just Like This, that being fixated on someone to that extent and making it their problem was normal, that going into intense periods of depression over the actions of someone I barely knew was normal, because…that was how I saw romantic love portrayed.
The second thing was that social norms around this kind of thing rely so heavily on you being to “pick up on” others’ feelings and intentions toward you and being able to “take a hint,” so to speak, or pick up on “signs” that a person is into you.
I think we all have heard anecdotes about some Weird Guy that keeps persisting in trying to be friendly with a girl he obviously likes, even though she is showing obvious discomfort and disinterest. It’s still not as much of a norm as it should be to just outright say, “hey, I don’t know if you want to be friends or have romantic feelings for me, and so I thought it was a good idea to let you know that I’m not into you romantically.”
Like there’s definitely a sense where it’s implied that only someone who is a Total Creep would fail to “take the hint.” But it’s still a hint, and if you are a person who has spent your entire life trying to adjust to very unintuitive, ambiguous “social rules,” it won’t necessarily feel intuitive to back off when someone is “hinting” that you’re not wanted.
And also adults are just so willing to excuse or ignore boundary-violating behavior when they see it in kids. And it’s kind of the same thing: there’s this assumption that if they don’t just “figure out” how to treat people once they become older, without being told, they are just…creepy anyway?
Like “no means no” but also if you need to be given a No to understand that you’re expected to back off, you’re a creep.
I wish I had been given a more consent-based framework. I don’t mean sexual consent, I mean that in a general way.
Like, as an autistic child, you learn that you can’t walk up to someone and be like “Hi. I see that you like to play with dinosaurs. I also like to play with dinosaurs. Do you want to be my friend?” At least you can’t do that past, like, 10 or 11 years old. You have to learn to ✨play the game✨ of Figuring Out whether you are wanted or not wanted, because people won’t tell you if they like you or not.
It really is all entirely based on the central truth that people will not be honest with you about whether they want you. And i know we can’t make everything straightforward and unambiguous but instead of teaching young people to communicate with one another, we teach autistic people to play even more bizarre levels of 5D chess
I also just wish I hadnt had to internalize the idea of “crushes” as being this universal and unstoppable thing that everyone experiences, or romantic interactions as Fundamentally Different from other ones.
like there’s aromanticism and Demisexuality and all sorts of things, and people get really pissy about those ones because theyre, idk, too attached to the idea that love, romance and sexuality are…a strict binary of either fully understood and represented by “society” or completely “othered” and marginalized, I guess?
but there is a wide, wide amount of diversity in the way people experience “romantic” feelings and just the way they parse and divide up and process their different relational needs. And it hurts everyone to act like one thing is universal and “normal.” Not everyone gets crushes, and honestly it’s up to you how you think about your own emotions?
Like I remember it being such a distressing experience, to feel unable to do anything about my feelings for someone, because I had a Crush and crushes are supposed to be this uncontrollable thing. I don’t think it would have gotten to the point of unhealthy obsession if I hadn’t been like “this is normal and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”
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Just letting you girls know that men deserve the romance too. Men deserve boxes of chocolates and surprise dates and EFFORT. Don’t put all the expectations on the man to be romantic and spontaneous and to literally carry the relationship. Do shit for him. Buy him his favourite foods, surprise him with a new jacket, pick HIS favourite movie instead of your own. Girl suck his dick that costs you nothing and sure as hell shows him you care.
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you dont have to:
do favors for people
explain yourself to people
be what people want you to be
exist in spaces you feel unwelcome in
go to parties or get togethers
feel bad for taking care of yourself
be completely secure in yourself
have everything figured out
understand the world around you
you dont have to do anything you dont want to do.
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Feminine energy doesn’t magically appear when we take a bubble bath or have our nails done.
It’s a gradual process of asking ourselves how we feel and what we need in every given moment.
It’s a byproduct of nurturing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically.
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Kiss her back while you hittin it from the back.
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It is not unkind to set boundaries. On the contrary, by being clear and honest about what you are comfortable with creates a space for others to do so, and builds a stronger connection with those around you.
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Healthy Romantic Relationship Tip 5:
Anger/Rudeness/Disrespect. This is something that’s rarely talked about because it’s completely overlooked within most relationships. But, NEVER disrespect your partner. Not out of anger, not out of pettiness, not in a joking manner, never.
Now, everyone has emotions and feelings and sometimes you’re just not having a good day. We’ve all been there before but the key to any healthy romantic relationship is learning how to control those emotions and feelings.
If you feel yourself becoming too upset or angry at the moment, step away, go for a drive, listen to music, explain/communicate to your partner, “Baby, it’s not the time. I’m having a day.”
There’s many alternative routes to take before becoming rude/disrespectful to your partner. And the moment you decide to disrespect your partner for any reason, is the moment your relationship becomes unhealthy and you lose respect for one another.
When angry or upset, as humans, we sometimes tend to say things that we do not mean, causing disrespect or rudeness. For some, this may seem minimal and not too big of a deal but it is because you can never take those words back once you say them. This will hinder not only your relationship but the way your partner feels about you.
Your partner will never forget your words whether they took them well or not. That’s why it’s important to take alternative routes to continue a healthy relationship.
(Do’s: step away if you become too angry, communicate to your partner what’s going on.)
(Dont’s: swear/curse at your partner, call your partner names, disrespect your partner because you’re angry, feel the need to hit below the belt.)
Generally, if disrespect comes easy to you toward your partner, the relationship has already become unhealthy and it’s best to step away. You should never feel comfortable disrespecting anyone you love dearly.
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You attract what you focus over. It’s so easy to underestimate this fact, but in truth if you stop exposing yourself to certain energies, behaviors, kinds of people, you think about them less and less. Expose yourself to healthy energy that only boosts your overall growth. Be ruthless about what you surround yourself with, with time it starts defining your mindset.
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Rules for Navigating Men That Aren't The One:
These are very simple. I have twelve of these rules, feel free to write them down or add to them when you repost or whenever you feel like it. Also, Disclaimer: you don't have to follow any of these rules, it's all up to you. I love you and I hope you're doing well. 🤍
Rule #1: "Do not give these men sh*t they don't deserve, did not earn, or cannot afford."
This goes for everything. Material things, your time, your body, your energy, special treatment. He must earn it. He must deserve it. No excuses.
Rule #2: "We do not argue with men nor do we agree with them in any circumstance."
This was obviously partially a joke. What I really meant here was don't give them the luxury of getting under your skin with ignorance or over something irrelevant. We don't gain anything from a heated interaction with a man that isn't offering anything and the only thing they win is the ability to make you sweat.
Rule #3: "Do not let them hit. Settle for a strap and a lesbian"
I'm ONLY kidding delete your paragraph. What I really meant for this was to be the woman who knows what she likes and can give herself pleasure without the need of a male companion. If you're sexually active and you want a partner for casual sex too that's always valid and always okay.
Rule #4: "Don't date men that you don't really like aren't worth it."
Originally, this said: "Stay single. You ain't never need a b*tch, you what a b*tch need." But I changed it to fit the tone of my post. This rule is important, not everyone you find attractive needs to be pursued and some men aren't cut out to be good boyfriends/partners. Don't bless people with your energy who never deserved it in the first place.
Rule #5: "Do not laugh at their jokes. Boys aren't funny. Tough crowd tonight."
Satire. This rule is about understanding it's okay to not entertain men or people even when you don't enjoy their sense of humor or something they've said didn't sound as good as it did in their head. Sometimes we hear people make jokes about things like S/A that really aren't funny. Be real.
Rule #6: "Men ain't sh*t, don't know sh*t, and will never be sh*t"
Alright, okay, I'll settle down.
Rule #7: "If you don't believe him that's okay"
Sometimes people lie, even for absolutely no reason it's completely alright to feel like maybe someone isn't being completely honest with you about something. Oftentimes, men lie in relationships even when it's not about anything important. Trust your gut and your intuition if you feel like something isn't right, speak up.
Rule #8: "If he wanted to, he would."
Simply put. Men are going to do what they want to do regardless of the situation. If he wanted to come to see you he would. If he wanted to speak to you or have something serious for you he would. If he wanted to do something nice for you and treat you to something special he would. Don't settle. Never take bullsh*t excuses.
Rule #9: "Never trust a boy/man who only texts you or calls you at night."
These types are no good. Red Flag! Avoid this at all costs. Some men are busy, okay he'll make time for you. But someone who only texts/calls you at night and makes excuses as to why he can't talk to you during the day or simply doesn't answer is someone who doesn't have the purest of intentions. You know exactly what he wants. Don't ignore this. Don't be naive.
Rule #10: "Stay away from boys/men with mommy issues."
They need therapy, meditation, and a journal not a super hot girlfriend who is a lovely person and would do anything for him. Granted, we all sympathize, growing up without a parent is never fun but you have to understand that growing up without a mommy takes a huge toll on most men and they tend to come with a lot of issues that cannot be fixed with just your presence alone. It's okay to love, respect, and sympathize with someone from a distance.
Rule #11: "Never let a boy/man tell you he doesn't need or want you more than once."
This one is important, it's disrespecting yourself to stick around when someone has already made it abundantly clear you are not what they truly want. Your love and respect for yourself has to be bigger than the love and respect you have for others. What's meant for you will be yours. Period.
Rule #12: "Men will put you through what you allow them to."
This is one of my favorite ones. Set your boundaries and do not break them down or move them for anybody. Especially not a man who will certainly continue to put you through unnecessary drama and pain just because he can.
Stay Pretty, -𝓑
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