hannahsaryn

[hannahsaryn]

[hannahsaryn]

Diary of a depressed Mother

Another sleep schedule of a typical four-month-old baby flashes onto my screen. I've learned that my four-month-old is not 'typical'. Apparently, they are supposed to be sleeping ten to twelve hours at night, my baby has not had one overnight sleep. He will wake at least three times from seven pm to seven am. After doing it all, we've realized that it was we who were in the wrong, having expectations has driven me to insanity.

So, I have let it all go - he didn't nap at all today? oh well, try again tomorrow. He's micro-feeding more than ever? Okay, it will end one day. The heat rash he has is being stubborn and won't leave? Just keep slathering him in coconut oil.

My mind is constantly reminding me, "he will only be an infant for a year" "one day he will be able to talk to me" "the longest four months of my life have already gone by, I can do this six more" "as long as he laughs every day and is still eating, he is okay" "he is one hundred and twelve days old, just a few hundred more"

"I will be okay again one day"

#motherhood #depression #blog #babylife #baby

[hannahsaryn]

Peanut butter, chocolate chip pancakes, and Iced Coffee.

Can it be any simpler?

"There are alternatives, I just want to help by making it simpler for you during this specific time." My doctor had just finished telling me she wanted me on antidepressants after invalidating my "I mean I feel this way but it's just a season, pretty normal." with "No, this isn't normal"

My eyes crossed, what did she mean this wasn't normal? All moms didn't feel this way after birth? Did I just accidentally expose myself? My heart sank so deep there was no way of picking it back up. I'm not normal?

It wasn't until 1:42pm that day that I realized I had to come to terms I was not okay. Listening to a message from my best friend she told me she watched a video in which this guy responded to his therapist "how many times do you think about death?" question with "I mean, not more than normal" only for his therapist to say "Well 'Normal' is zero, so..."

The cannon was lit, I was going to shoot off into a black hole and never come back. It was not normal to think about death so often. This was not normal. What was normal? How long have I been this way?

Will I love my life again?

#diary #journaling #postpartum #babylife #mommas #notalone

[hannahsaryn]

Water in the park with giants.

#walkinthepark #photography #photo #leaf #water #outlet #OC

[hannahsaryn]

Motherhood

It’s a slow season, a lonely one as well. I wish I could describe the feeling of being a mother, but the lack of brain cells I have at the moment makes it too difficult to unravel. Unravel. You will read that word many times throughout this… narrative. Suddenly it's “many days ago” or “a while back” or “the other day” rather than the simple “Monday” or “last week” or even the date because all sense of time vanishes. The insults start subtly, then grow into plain rude snobs who believe they are and always will be better than you. Sorry, my bitterness is showing.

There isn’t a reason to be writing this other than to inform you of my difficulty trying to adjust to this life. It was just the other day I had a thought “I want to go back to work” and I sat in that thought for a moment. I didn’t actually want to go back, I just missed my old life; in truth, I had begun to hate my job as time went on. The pay was horrendous, the work was mundane, and the atmosphere was a stir of toxicity.

Anyways, I am learning to love this new life, to find the joy, to work around the feeds, the endless burping, the spitting up, the screaming, but to also stay present in the pain, the laughter, the smiles my baby erupts in when he sees my face. I love my baby. When I stay focused, peeling my eyes off of the old Hannah, walking away from the pit I had dug, I know with a hundred percent certainty, I can do this.

#mother #parenting #momlife #baby #newborn #blog #blogging #writing #ocblog