hotkeytohappiness

[hotkeytohappiness]

Ok so I didn't die

Honestly I don't even know where to begin on any sort of update since last time I posted on here.. journaling has never been any of my strong suits(?) and I feel that my writing skills have severely deteriorated in my 4 year absence. Where do I start? Since I last posted I came out officially to all my family and friends, changed my legal name and gender marker, started my "process" of medically transitioning and also moved out on my own. I don't feel like going into details about a relationship I had that lasted roughly two years because it ended very sudden and it had a serious impact on my mental health that I still struggle with so instead I'll talk about much happier things like how I finally got to start HRT after saying Fuck You to my country's trans healthcare system and instead going private in May this year (20). At the time I'm writing this I've been on t about 7 months, soon 8 and I couldn't be happier even though a big part of me is still sad it had to take such a long time.. I would've gotten top surgery private too if it weren't for the actual hospital in my country threatening private surgeons with lawsuits if they choose to operate. I don't feel like going off about that and make myself angry. Feeling a little tired of writing right now so I'm gonna end it here for now but this was nice, maybe I'll continue this properly, I won't make any promises to myself but I'll give myself a maybe.

#Vent #I honestly don't remember how tags work #am I doing it right? #anyway #life update #of a sorts #diary #journal

[hotkeytohappiness]

Wow I haven't posted on here for a long time.. There's been some changes since my last post. Big changes! First of all, I'm free from Mr. Straight, and I have my own apartment!! What happened was that I was getting to the point where I couldn't function and my sister called my psychologist and got her to admit me to the hospitals psych ward around the easter holiday. I stayed there for about a month while I had this really good psychiatrist assigned to me that helped me send my recommendation for gender treatment (which my first appointment is this month!!) And just a few days before I was being sent home I found a new place to stay, so I went home to my ex the next week, told him that I was transgender and that I was gonna move out. He stayed silent for a while but afterwards helped me pack my things, so even though he obviously felt sad he seemed alright with it. I'm still not really used to the whole "living in my own house" deal and I've had company practically from the day I moved in.. But things are way better since my last post, that's for sure.

[hotkeytohappiness]

_Wall of text_ I think some of the things that I've had trouble with since forever is dating. And now that I'm absolutely sure that I am in fact trans and not just confused or depressed, it all starts to make sense. I am a romantic. I fall in love easily. and when I do, I get carried away. I seek affection and contact, and I like being close to someone. But I always wondered why my infatuation was so short lived each time, that I suddenly started to dislike all those affections that seemed so nice at the start. The fact is, when I fall in love I live in the moment. I usually only think about what it's like there and then. Which leads to me being put into a role I don't want to play. The "girlfriend". My longest relationship to date was a long distance, but after we started seeing each other more often I felt amiss. My most successful relationship was with a guy that accepted my gender identity issues, and he never treated me like a girl and even used to comment on how handsome I was. We broke up because of my depression and his drinking problem. We're still friends. I've never actually been single for long, and the last time I was. I was in such a low place after my previous ex cheated on me. I had been living with him for a year, and he was pretty much manipulating me through anger to sleep with him. I hated myself for not wanting to sleep with him, he got aggressive when I didn't. So the year after, I met my current boyfriend. I told him numerous times that I'm not a girl, and I don't want to be treated as a girl. He told me that was all right. Now he gets offended every time I've mentioned my pronouns or to not refer to me as his "girlfriend" "lady" "woman" etc, and suggested a couple gender neutral things he can call me. The replies I got was "stop being so tumblr" "don't embarrass me". I started planning to move out almost a year ago, but he kept making plans that I can't cancel, and my budget has been practically nothing. But now I've started going to a psychologist, and I get a fair amount of financial support while in treatment. I'll talk to her about moving in our next appointment, but it isn't until next month. Fingers crossed I manage to hold out until then. I think I've managed to empty my chest enough for tonight. Not sure if it's the lack of meds for two days or the anxiety of returning "home" but I have a hard time falling asleep.. When I was home last time, he started talking about how he missed sex and stuff. I managed to change the subject.. Ok good night

#transgender problems #gender identity issues #trans problems #relationships #ive only dated guys yikes #why i always fall in the straight boy trap #ugh #straight boys

[hotkeytohappiness]

My body hurts but I actually managed to do some proper push ups today. There might be some hope for this weak body of mine!

#i'm so weak it's ridiculous

[hotkeytohappiness]

according to my psychiatrist I can get training on prescription,  so I’m gonna apply for that and hopefully I can start to get a bit of muscle definition because honestly right now I’m in terrible physical shape and also a bit chubby and it really accentuates my curves and brings me a whole deal of stress and dysphoria but I’m also really weak and sweat makes my skin sting so I think I’ll start with swimming at first (not sure if I’m sensitive to histamines or whatever)

#transgender #ftm #body dysphoria #hotkey face

[hotkeytohappiness]

Im sad i cant grow a beard or walk topless or wear shorts without people looking with disgust at my legs. I want to have a deep voice and muscle definition and facial hair and an adams apple and a flat chest.

#transboy #depressed

[hotkeytohappiness]

Last night I wanted to die so I could be reborn in the right body. I am tired of just being, always waiting for the day I can be myself. It's a slow process that takes time and money, and I'm just so scared I'm going to be trapped like this all my life. I don't want to live like this.

#transgender

[hotkeytohappiness]

It always feels like I'm waiting for something unknown. My heartbeat is like a never ending countdown, pulse loud and slow like clockwork. Ticking. Blood burning hot through the veins of cold limbs. Reminding me that I am alive. Waiting. Awake.

#I can't sleep #so I'm just ranting #I feel so broken #this sounded more like a poem lol #whatever works #idk

[hotkeytohappiness]

I am yours for the moment for today but not forever

[hotkeytohappiness]

Every day I run away

[hotkeytohappiness]

stressed, depressed, my house is a mess

[hotkeytohappiness]

I need help

[hotkeytohappiness]

I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. it’s just.. so hard trying to ask for help from my doctor or a psychiatrist but only being brushed off and ignored, and there isn’t anything my friends and family can help me with. I’m just so tired. tired of trying to function every day. tired of feeling like shit. tired of being disappointed of myself for not being stronger. tired of it all.

#depression #idk #i'm just lost #or broken #I can't even tell anymore

[hotkeytohappiness]

I can’t wait until the day when I’m finally free from this hideous female body, like everything about it is uncomfortable and makes me depressed and shit I just want it to end

#body dysphoria #body negativity

[hotkeytohappiness]

I really miss being single and flirting and fooling around

and  I just wanna fool around forever and don’t date anyone because commitment sucks

[hotkeytohappiness]

jokingly saying some person could call me “master” instead of my female given name in a stream, and he said “don’t you mean mistress, because master is for males?” I’m just shaking my head forever

#transgender problems #some people are just so ignorant #gender identity #misgendering #SIGHS

[hotkeytohappiness]

I commented on some of my bf’s friends calling me “his lady friend” and my boyfriend IMMEDIATELY said “don’t embarass me!” OK I’M SORRY MY OWN GENDER IDENTITY AND WELLBEING IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU, AND SORRY I’M SUCH AN EMBARRASMENT FOR YOU OMG!!!!

#FUCK YOU #go to hell #gender identity #transgender problems #I'm so fucking sick and tired of being misgendered #AAAARGHHHH #I'm so close to just going all out axe murderer on him