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inappropriate-thang · 5 years

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Alive Again

I could not stand to distance myself from him. we miss each other too much, i think we are in love.

i am back in the game again, happily and willingly.

please focus on the good things, the positive things, and the healthy things.

i do not want to be in the loop again and be upset about the same thing about the past ever again.

ok.

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inappropriate-thang · 5 years

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day i dont know.

it feel like decades.

i just miss him so damn much but i do not want to be with him anymore.

i love him, yes i do. a lot, actually.

but i do not want to be with him if i have the chance to.

i dont know will he actually let go about my past or not, i do not want to argue about the same thing again and again.

i do not know if he would actually get a divorce.

fuck it, im out.

the end.

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inappropriate-thang · 5 years

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You were such a great friend whom I do not want to lose. I started to have feelings for you even when you are still married with your child’s mother whom you have not been in touch with for years. I told myself that if I chose to still be with you even with all your baggages and flaws, I would have to face the concequences that I might face.

You became a great guy that I am starting to really fall in love with. I have my own flaws too but instead of being honest with you like how you did to me, I chose to lie to you because it was something that I was ashamed of. It was the past and I did not feel the need to tell you honestly.

One day, you decided to go through my phone and find texts that was all the way till 2 years ago. You found out that I have been lying to you about something that you asked if I have ever did and I denied.

Furious as you were, you asked me to leave. My heart was shattered and I did not know what was the difference of external pain and internal, it felt the same.

I missed you so much, I couldn’t stop blaming myself for hiding these from you. I did not even take 1 moment to blame you for going through my privacy while I was asleep. I lied, I messed up, I lost you.

Days go by, you gave us a chance. You wanted me back and I promised you not to lie or hurt you anymore. I was more than grateful for that chance and I took this opportunity to gain our trust back.

Within the 6 months after the incident, I gave you all my loyal heart. Everything I do I would think of you, about how you would feel. It has been half a year that I had my word to gain our trust back.

Within these 6 months, we have argued several times, even if it is about a friend’s birthday party, to the meal being too salty, your arguement’s statement will always go back to the lie that I have said to you. Within these 6 months we have broken up several times because you could not let go of the fact that I once lied to you.

We broke up, we made up, again and again.

I was so focused on gaining your trust on me back that I have forgotten about myself.

I am living with a man who is married!

By law, I am a mistress!

I could not even hold his hand on public and he wants to talk about his future with me?

Total we have been dating for 8 months and there was no progress in his marriage.

There is not 1 effort that he had done to clear his status to be with me.

I have been this “underground girl” that he has been keeping in his pocket.

Once in a while he would bring up the argument that I lied.

What about me? Could I bring up the topic about his marriage?

I would want to know until when do we have to hide our relationship.

What he is mad about is about a past tense that I have did, lied has been made, and he chose to come back to me.

What I have to face everyday is to look at him and think that “he is still someone’s husband and I am sleeping with him”

I do not want to be a mistress. When is he clearing his status exactly?

I have never questioned him about this, as you know, I chose to be with him, I have to endure things. I would get questions from my loved ones about “when is he getting divorced?” “is he seeing his son?” “what are you to him?” “omg, are you a mistress by law?”

It’s stressing me out.

I do not see any progress from him to clear his status.

I am just questoning to myself, “WHEN?”

We were in love. We were broke. We would support each other financially when one has 0 cash. We would share our dream, our day at work, our childhood.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had to leave.

This lie that I have made might seem to be a “small issue” to me, but it affects him so much, it means that it is huge for him.

He once told me “when you are sleeping next to me, I would look at you and think about the things that you have lied and would wonder if you would ever still”

I am 100% sure that I did not lie about anything else, and I would not want to hurt him anymore. I loved him so much and I did not realize how much I love him until I’ve lost him once. The second chance he gave to us was a miracle to me and I took the chance to be a better person.

In the end of the day, he could not let it go. I would have to end the relationship.

He’s tired, I’m tired. It has became an unhealthy relationship.

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inappropriate-thang · 8 years

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inappropriate-thang · 8 years

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Note to myself.

Wanted to state the date and time here and when I turned my eyes to the top right corner it turned from 11:59PM to 12:00AM. Just felt a little lucky so I felt the need to write this here.

Today has been okay to me. Woke up at 2 o clock in the afternoon, has lunch and dinner with the family, lying on my bed now, writing this.

But last night, was a disaster.

After what happened to me last night, I made a promise to myself, my best friend, my family, and a boy who I love but lost last night.

Until I am aware of what I am doing, how to take care of myself, how to be a mature person, I will never go to any bars or clubs. Or at least get wasted like how I was the the past 3 months.

I was always a good girl with a 12AM curfew, even if I had birthday parties to attend, I will have to beg for permission to let me stay out till after midnight. I am only about going to college, staying at home, hanging out with my friends in a coffee shop.

But never would I thought that I will turn out to be such a wasted young lady who cries over a fuckboy in a club, who gets drunk and dance with every stranger who wants to dance with her, who makes out with any cute boy that she sees, who pisses off her friends for ditching them over a boy and leave them alone looking after my handbag.

I’ve already did this for several times and I still do it, until now. Finally, all my friends are all pissed at me, telling me that they do not want to drink with me anymore, which I totally understand. I would never wanna call someone like me out for a drink.

Why do I have to wait till this moment to only realise how messed up I am?

I met a person whom I thought that he is the nicest boy I’ve met in my life, things he said and things he did to me, I couldn’t even believe that such person still exist in this world. But I found him. I was so lucky. Why do I have to make the same mistake over and over again? I’ve lost him now. He saw things that he shouldn’t have seen last night. The feeling of regrets and guilts inside me is killing me.

I really want to sort things out with everyone that was involved last night.

But I know that all I could do is to just stop being so messed up.

I am not even sure if I can do that.

So, as I said, until I am 100% sure about what I am doing, I promise, I will never appear in any night life places.

I do not want to get wasted in the street, making wrong decisions, regretting things and feel guilty after.

I will take good care of myself for now, clear up my head, be happy about myself and love myself more.

I am sorry to the people who I hurt, I didn’t mean to hurt anybody.

xoxo,

MK

#note #to #myself #notetomyself #diary #midnightthoughts #gossipgirl #gossip #girl #clubs #club #bar #bars #drunk #wasted #nomore #promise #drinking #crying #fuckboy #sorry #i #love #you #bh

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inappropriate-thang · 8 years

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Babes

#babes #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sosfam

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inappropriate-thang · 9 years

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Smoking

Smoking is bad but the reason why I smoke is worse.

#smoking #bad #worse

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inappropriate-thang · 9 years

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inappropriate-thang · 9 years

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I just don’t know how to grow up

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inappropriate-thang · 9 years

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add up the things you’ve done and put the total in the tags.

1. had sex: $10.00 2. smoked: $3.00 3. got drunk: $7.00 4. went skinny dipping: $5.00 5. kissed someone of the opposite sex: $5.00 6. kissed someone of the same sex: $5.00 7. cheated on a test: $2.00 8. fell asleep in class $0.50 9. been expelled: $5.00 10. been in a fist fight: $10.00 11. given oral: $10.00 12. got oral: $10.00 13. prank called the cops: $3.00 14. stole something: $2.00 15. done drugs: $5.00 16. dyed your hair: $0.50 17. done something with someone older (like a few years): $3.00 18. went out with someone over 18 (if your under 18): $4.00 19. ate a whole thing of oreos: $0.50 20. cried yourself to sleep: $1.00 21. said you love someone but didnt mean it: $1.00 22. been in love: $4.00 23. got caught doing something that you shouldn’t have been doing: $1.00 24. went streaking: $4.00 25. got arrested: $5.00 26. made out with someone: $2.00 27. peed in the pool: $0.50 28. played spin the bottle: $1.00 29. done something you regret: $3.00

#140

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inappropriate-thang · 9 years

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oh my god