openblogtomyabusivemother

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

People talk about forgiveness like it's this nonchalant choice you suddenly make in one second before you meet your friends at Panera for lunch and not this excruciating, gradual, meticulously tended to, bloody, sweaty, insane, bone scraping, tooth grinding rebirth of the self.

#survivor #recovery #mental health #trauma #actually traumatized #forgiveness #big deal #nonchalant #process #painful #abuse #abusive family #abusive mother #family #parents #bad moms #bad parents #parenting #illusions #health #healing #complex ptsd #get real #as if

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

My mother’s capacity to love is pretty much equal to that of a blueberry scone.

On second thought, that’s offensive to blueberry scones.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Dunno about your abusive parents but mine are SO BORING, uninteresting, utterly ordinary sort of just mindless drones of conformity and generally everything and anything that isn't fabulous or beneficial to the world at all. AND THEY TRIED TO CRUSH MY SPIRIT INTO THAT EXACT SAME SHAPE. Um.

NO

THANK

YOU

VERY

MUCH

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

A Conversation

This really happened between me and my mother in my early 20’s.

Mom: So,what have you been doing? Me: Well, I discovered a great massage place. Mom: Massage? Well, isn’t that decadent. Me: Decadent? Mom: Yes. You’re too young to get massages. Me: Too young? It helps me be healthier. Mom: Mmmmhmmm. But you don’t deserve it. Me: Deserve it? You have to deserve massage? Mom: Well, you’re just to young. You haven’t lived long enough to earn the privilege. Me: Massage isn’t a privilege, it’s a kind of medicine that benefits the health of anyone. Mom: Well I never got a massage when I was your age. Me: And… Mom: Well, you just don’t deserve them yet. You have to earn them by living longer. Me: You’re just going to keep repeating yourself, aren’t you? Mom: Don’t you talk to me that way. *I laugh and she looks more offended than ever* Me: You’re aware I’m an adult now, yes? Mom: You still have to respect me. Me: Tell you what, I’ll respect you when you’ve earned it.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

How do you protect yourself from being stalked online by your parents?

I often get messages from teens living with their abusive parents telling me about how terrifying it is for them to even look at my blog in case their parent finds out. I was a teenager before social networking on the internet. Honestly, when I was a teenager there was barely an internet yet. So, I don’t know how people protect themselves but I feel like probably there are ways. If you know please do share! A lot of people would find it helpful.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Fear responses are not a choice.

They are part of the autonomic nervous system, which is not voluntary. They are the nervous system reconditioning itself in response to trauma for the purpose of survival. There's nothing weak about it. It's your body showing its ability to adapt to its environment and survive, which we know as survival of the fittest. Those who've actually read Darwin know that fittest doesn't mean strongest, but most adaptable. So not only does your fear response not mean you're weak, it means you are fit af.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Abuse isn't just your parents' secret.

Isn't just something they did. It's something they forced you to experience. They'll say you have no right to tell people their private business and they'll lump their abuse of you into their private business. It's sort of true, we don't really have the right to run around telling people everybody else's private business, however, because they did it to you, it's also your experience and your experiences are your business and you have every right to share your own private business whenever you want.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

I didn’t just burn the bridge that leads to my abusive parents, I atomic bombed it.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Traumatic memory gets created differently than normal memory.

Please reblog so as many people as possible can see this. People who were not abused don't understand this about traumatic memory and that is often a basis for them not believing you.

There's all sorts of complicated science behind how this works, but I'm not going to get into it right now because I really want to hammer home this very specific point and not get distracted by anything else.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is recorded more similarly to a dream then waking life.

Do not let anyone hold your traumatic memory up to normal memory standards.

Do not let anyone convince you that your traumatic memories are invalid because they are recorded differently than normal memory.

Your traumatic memories are fragmented, out of sequence, and dreamlike. They contain both very vivid parts and totally missing parts. This is all valid. This is how traumatic memory is recorded in the brain.

Having traumatic memories does not mean there's anything wrong with your memory. It's the way the mind and nervous system are programmed to function when in perceived crisis. So, if the majority of your childhood memories are traumatic memories, it's not because something is wrong with your memory, it's because something was very wrong with your childhood.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

When I get out on my own, my home will be…

Complete the sentence. Then write a bunch more about what kind of home your home will be. You can write about what kind of home you create as a single person, and you can also write about what kind of home you’ll create for your family when you decide to create one. And you don’t have to choose. You can write about both of those different things if you want.

I’ve been out of my parents house for a few decades, but I haven’t managed to make myself the ideal home yet. When I do, my home will be a safe place that mitigates the stress of the outside world, where my partner and I are as loving and kind with each other as often as possible. In my home, we will listen to each other instead of jumping to conclusions before somebody has even finished the sentence. In my home, we will try to be understanding even in difficult moments with each other and we will each have a space we can retreat to when we aren’t emotionally ready to resolve conflict. In my home joy, love, creativity, safety, fun and connection will all be prioritized over order and control.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Children have a fundamental need to believe their parents will keep them safe. Children are hardwired to know that they are too vulnerable to protect themselves from the dangers of the world and they’re also hardwired to believe that their parents are going to protect them, no matter what. Therefore, when a parent is abusive, the child resorts to believing that is it not abuse, but warranted behavior for their inability to be a good child. Basically, for a child, it is safer to believe they are a bad child than it is for them to believe that their parent is harming them. This is an amazing coping technique that gets many children through horrifying childhoods, however as an adult, it creates severe problems. Therefore, to have happy adulthoods, we must come to terms with the fact that we were abused. This is incredibly difficult work, but for those survivors who can manage it, a much better life is in store. Other effects of abuse include: ● difficulty with love or trust ● poor self-image ● permanent physical disability ● anti-social/violent behavior ● death - suicide or homicide ● drug and/or alcohol abuse ● troubled relationships ● depression ● anxiety ● eating or sleep disorders ● caring or loving too much, which is co-dependency ● withdrawal ● self-destructive behavior

Source: http://www.rdvic.org/index_files/MythsandFactsAboutChildAbuse.htm

Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at [email protected]

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Leafblowers trigger my PTSD.

It used to be all yard working power tools, because they’re loud, but I’ve worked it out so all the other ones are okay for me, but there’s something about the high whine of the leaf blower that makes me want to curl up into a ball and eject spines from my skin.

When I tell people who don’t have PTSD about this sort of thing, they really don’t receive it well. It’s hard for people who weren’t abused understand how everyday things can throw us for such a loop.

What everyday* thing triggers your PTSD?

*Everyday thing, as in seemingly inoccuous, happens all the time, ordinary stuff

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

If your parents faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished.

If you come from an incomprehensible world filled with secrecy and fear, it’s almost impossible to find the words to express what you have endured.

If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self worth.

Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

3!? I only need one. Pizza. But they forgot to put it on here.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

That lady who raised me is an expert at this shit.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

😆

My mother’s capacity to love is pretty much equal to that of a blueberry scone.

On second thought, that’s offensive to blueberry scones.