souled-out-2023

[souled-out-2023]

February update

This semester is flying by, and I haven't had the time to write here in a while. So while I've got hold of a few extra minutes, here's how things have been going.

First off, I think I'm finally over my ex. Lately I've been realizing how much freer I feel without him, how I've really reclaimed myself in these past few months. I genuinely feel more like myself than I have in months, maybe even in the past year. It's fantastic when that realization just hits you on a random weekday, that it's done. That those feelings don't sting the same way, don't twist deep in your gut the way they used to. It doesn't all completely disappear, but it fades. And with that, it gives way to a lot of fantastic realizations.

I've realized that I had to leave him behind, to figure out how much more I deserve. I came to college far away from home, and I remember the tensions it created in our relationship when we used to talk about me leaving. I feel now like coming to this college actually freed me from him. It forced my hand in the most god-sent way, made me let him go. I remember being here for my tour a year ago (almost exactly), loving this school but stressing about my relationship. I remember feeling so torn, wondering if there was a totally different life waiting for me, beyond all the turmoil and heartbreak that my relationship was bringing. I remember fighting with him while I was at my orientation last summer, knowing that it was over on the flight home. Seeing the most beautiful sunset over the wings of the airplane, like a sign from some other power that I had so much more beyond him. I broke up with him that night, and although it hurt like I was dying, I've come to realize what a blessing it all was. What a gift it was to be whisked away from home, with a blank canvas and four years in front of me. And what a feeling, knowing that dying sensation was worth it to be born again.

This year, I've been able to do so many fantastic things, pour more energy into myself and the things I love. I've met friends that feel like extensions of my own soul, who love me in a truer, deeper, purer way than my ex ever did. I care about them like my own family. I've tried new things, from joining clubs to playing intramural sports to visiting new places. I've gotten to do some amazing art projects, develop my style, focus more on learning how to eat right and work out more often. But I've also learned when to rest, when to slow down. When to take a break from the bustle of the weekdays and just enjoy myself. It feels impossible to explain the depths of this feeling, but I just feel so much more alive than I did a few months ago.

To anybody going through a breakup, just know that the heartache is worth the future that lies ahead. I had a hard time believing that just a few months ago. It felt like I had such a hard road off in the distance, like it would take me years to feel like myself again. The truth is, you don't know how long it will take. But slowly, you'll start feeling new again. The sunlight will last a little longer each day; you'll feel more like a new person, yet at the same time, more yourself than ever. Before you know it, you'll be out on the other side of your breakup, amazed that you made it through. But you did. You made it. You have every reason to be proud of yourself for getting through. And even if you aren't through yet, you should still be proud that you're making each day, just getting by. That's a feat in and of itself, and someday, you'll be incredibly grateful that you made it.

So, the point: Hang in there. Great times are coming, little by little.

A

#breakup #breakup advice #relationship advice #advice #college

[souled-out-2023]

Breakup: treat yourself better

Getting out of a relationship feels like losing a big part of your life. It’s incredibly overwhelming when a piece just sort of falls out of place, the way someone falls away from you in a breakup. It becomes easy to stress about the things that you miss, from routines you had with your partner, to gifts they gave you, to the foods you shared, the places you went, things you did. It’s difficult to reclaim those routines that were important to both of you when often, those reminders of your ex fill each experience. However, when you’re ready, do those things again. Create new memories with new people, and make the things that you shared, yours. No one is stopping you from being there again, when you feel prepared. No one can tell you not to get a coffee from that cafe, not to play your old favorite game, not to go back to that basketball court, beach, batting cage, or boutique. I circle back to this: you deserve happiness without your ex. You deserve to reclaim those things, to get excited about those small routines again. 

A similar vein of thinking leads to this advice. I’ve heard it a number of times before, and I’ve found it to be true: treat yourself the way you want a future partner to treat you. Give yourself the things you miss from your ex, and then some. If you miss getting flowers from him, buy a $10 bouquet at Target once in a while. If you miss the kind words he said to you, say them to yourself, even write them down. If he didn’t like you going out with your friends, then go. Tell yourself the amazing things you deserve to hear. Treat yourself with the kindness and thoughtfulness you’d expect from a fantastic partner. If you do all this for yourself, you’ll create independence, and lift your standards. Why would you compromise for a mediocre man, when you have the tools to give yourself so much more happiness alone than he could ever promise? 

So, the point: give yourself the things you miss from your ex, plus what they failed to do for you. Make your greatest partner, you. 

A

#relationship #breakup advice #breakup #life advice #healing

[souled-out-2023]

Breakup: lean into hope

When I was in the early stages of my breakup, a lot of really intense feelings swallowed me up and made it hard to focus on everyday activities. It truly felt like those emotions weren’t ever going away, like I would be stuck forever in that mess of longing, guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, et cetera. A great relief and an anchor for me was looking to the future, and having hope that things would turn out better over time. Hoping that all the things I had been missing and struggling with in the last year would run their course and bloom with new opportunities. 

Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s difficult to pull yourself out of that hole when it’s so much more natural to just dwell. Honestly, I even felt guilty sometimes for trying to just not think about the breakup. I tried to remind myself in the midst of all the grief, though, that I deserved happiness. I at least deserved some temporary peace from all the tears and reminiscing, and I found that temporary peace in working to the future. I sought out some self-help advice on the Internet and TikTok (one of my favorite creators is Shelby Sacco on Instagram and TikTok. She has a lot of great breakup and self-improvement advice). I wrote down my goals and affirmations, and journaled more often. I reached out to some old friends and tried to focus on the things coming up that I was excited for. I played intramurals with my friends, and tried to get more social, to meet new people and go to new places. The cool things, big or small, that I had lined up for the coming weeks gave me ways to look forward to waking up each day.

It’s difficult when your whole world is crashing down, to feel like everything is changing for the better. But chances are, it is. That clarity just takes time to find, and it comes bit by bit. It’s been about 5 months since my breakup, and almost 3 from cutting contact. Despite a lot of hard nights, a lot of difficult feelings that still come and go, I know I made the right decision. I don’t love how things ended, and I have plenty of regrets, but I still know I’m doing better now than I would have been if I stayed. It’s scary to make those changes, and hard to deal with all the leftover feelings that come from a hard breakup. However, it’s rewarding to feel your life changing for the better, moment by moment. I look at where my life is now, and see all the cool things I was able to do during my breakup despite all that pain. I also see the amazing things I have planned for the future, from my major, to events with my friends, to sports, to clubs, to summer activities, to next year in college.

Now, I’m not saying you should pressure yourself to be fine, to go out and accomplish every single thing on your bucket list. You’re going through a huge life change, so be kind to yourself. Rest, and make times to do things that help you relax, that let you slow down. Take your time healing; you’re no less valuable or important just because you were too upset to get to the gym today. I’ve done so, so much sitting around and crying to sad songs in the past few months, and I think that’s equally important. (More on that in another post.) I talk about the future not because you should be pressuring yourself into productivity, but because making plans and setting goals can be a source of inspiration and excitement. If you’re looking at the ways your life can change for the better, all the beautiful things you can do to grow into yourself without that person, the breakup can feel much more bearable. 

So, the point: Lean into hope for the future. Have faith that eventually, this pain and tumult will fade to leave you with fantastic results.

A

#relationship advice #breakup advice #breakup #life advice #healing

[souled-out-2023]

Relationship: your gut

Listen to your gut. Sounds obvious, I know. However, getting caught up in another person can easily blindside you to even the most "obvious" signs. If you’re dealing with relationship-induced anxiety or stress that goes on for weeks, you need to be honest with yourself. Did something cause you to lose trust in your partner? Are they crossing boundaries of yours, or acting in a way that causes you distress repeatedly? If the answers are “yes,” communicate what’s going on to your partner as clearly as you can. In these tough conversations, is your partner receptive to your feelings? Did they make any changes to ease your distress? If not, your relationship might be causing more harm than good.

I know this all sounds like a "duh." However, I stayed with my ex through a lot of pain because I kept ignoring my gut, and ignoring “obvious” signs that something wasn’t right. I was crying much more often, and dealing with new insecurities, new stresses about his actions. However, I hung onto him because I still loved him a lot, and didn’t want to end things. I hoped the feelings would go away, but the anxiety and stress worsened over time rather than fading. I knew for a long time that things were not how they should be, but I kept pushing through those warning signs because I wanted to try and be happy with him. Unfortunately, love isn’t enough to keep a relationship strong and healthy. I had to eventually accept that he had broken my trust, and he wouldn’t be able to repair it. That was something I had to heal on my own. This is the absolute hardest truth to realize when all you want is to be at peace with your partner; however, if you can come to this realization earlier, it can save a lot of extra anguish over a lost relationship. 

Remember. Your current partner might be causing a complicated mix of joy and pain, and the good parts are keeping you from leaving. However, there will be someone out there who can offer you all of that joy without the hurt and complications. 

So, the point: when your heart and your body are telling you something isn't right, listen.

A

#relationship #breakup #breakup advice #relationship advice #life advice #dating advice

[souled-out-2023]

Relationship: check on yourself

Check in on yourself often when you’re in a relationship. It’s easy to get lost in someone else when you’re dating, so setting aside time to really look at your own wellbeing is key. Being honest with yourself about how you’re doing and what’s impacting you at the time can be great to just organize your head and gain some perspective. Maybe pick a night of the week, like every Sunday night, to sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself a few questions. How have I been feeling this past week? What has made me happy this week, and what has been a source of stress, anxiety or hurt?

Keeping a running set of weekly check-ins might help you realize patterns in an unhealthy relationship. If you look back at all your check-ins at the end of the month, and your partner is a source of stress consistently, it might be good to step back and reevaluate, even if it’s hard to do. This could be a breakup, or it could look like a heart-to-heart conversation about what needs aren’t being met. If you aren’t sure how to proceed, it’s good to make time to talk with someone you trust, like a close friend, about the situation. In retrospect, I wish I had been more open with my closest friends and family when I was having a hard time in my relationship. I think it could have eased the difficulty of dealing with a lot of tough emotions all on my own. That being said, don’t feel obligated to tell everyone, everything. Pick what feels authentic, and open up to the people who you feel comfortable sharing with. 

A note about records: I started journaling after my breakup, but I think it can be a lot of help to journal even when things are going “fine.” I find it useful to not force myself to journal every day, every two days, etc, but to just do it when I need it or feel the desire to write. For quick check-ins, a schedule is useful (especially when it’s only every few days or once a week), but for journaling, I get more out of it when it isn’t forced or timed.

So, the point: Keep honest tabs on your well-being, whether you're in a relationship or not. And if something doesn't feel right, get some perspective from someone you trust.

A

#relationship #relationship advice #life advice #breakup advice #advice

[souled-out-2023]

Pre-relationship: standards

Make a hard list of requirements for a future partner or relationship to meet. It can be in a notebook, on a bulletin board, in a Google doc, or in a note on your phone; whatever works for you. The point is, it should be recorded somewhere definitively, not just in your head. This helps with accountability, since it’s easier to stick to your standards if you have a physical checklist to go through. It’s harder to compromise on the things that are important to you when they’re tangible and easy to answer “yes” or “no” to.

Now, the list shouldn’t really be about physical traits or appearance-related preferences. It’s most useful if it’s about necessary compatibility traits. Some examples from my list cover respect for women, manners, goals for the future, sense of humor, etc. Whatever qualities you have to have (or have to avoid) to see a future with that person. You can format it in whatever way is most useful; it could be a straight checklist of requirements, or a few sections of traits ranging from necessary (ex. stays loyal, has a similar set of values to you) to would-be-nice (ex. playing baseball, liking a certain type of music). Make the list tailored to you, so you are able to consider more objectively if someone is right for you beyond an initial interest or spark.

I have a very specific running list right now. It's split mainly into requirements and red flags, and I'm promising myself that I'll be strict on both categories to avoid making the same mistakes from the past, in the future. Once in a while, when discussing said list, someone will tell me "no one is going to meet all that." Yes, and? The entire point is to weed out the men who I know won't be good for me in the long run, who don't align with who I am. And although my list looks long at a glance, I consider most of it to be basic elements of respect and kindness, and my personal bare minimum. If no one can offer me above my bare minimum, why would I want to be with them anyways? Why add to the already-busy calendar with turmoil and tears, when I could thrive on my own and find fulfillment in myself instead? Better to be single and wait for the person who will get it right without the heartache.

So, the message: visualize and log what you need in a relationship, and stick by those standards. When that right person comes along, you'll know, because you've set the stage for them, written and formed and dreamed it a million times over.

A

#relationship #relationship standards #advice #relationship advice #life advice

[souled-out-2023]

Relationship: hard conversations

Have hard conversations in person. If something serious (or even just a little more complicated) comes up between you and your partner, try to avoid discussing it in depth over text. Of course, there are a lot of conversations that can be had productively in text messages. However, if a subject is tricky and its complications might get lost in messages, make time to FaceTime or meet up in person. Texts are convenient, but face-to-face talk is more real. You can understand the tone your partner wants to convey, rather than misreading a text as cold or rude. It’s also easier to avoid saying something harmful in person than over text.

I wish I had more of the difficult conversations with my ex in person. I think it would have saved us both a lot of misunderstanding. If we couldn’t talk in person right away, it also could have given us time to consider what we wanted to say and how to approach it honestly and productively. Letting those initial feelings run their course, and gaining perspective after stepping away from the subject, could have done us both good. So, the message: Leaving the tricky subjects to in-person can help you both understand nuances, and strengthen communication in your relationship.

A

#relationship #breakup #breakup advice #love advice #life advice

[souled-out-2023]

General: passions

This is a little hard to describe and less specific to relationships. Whether you’re single, taken, going through a breakup: read, watch, write, make. Read that book you loved in kindergarten, fourth grade, eighth grade, senior year. Watch the movie from English class that made you look at life a little differently, or that Christmas flick from the 70s that you never knew you related to. Go back to the characters that inspired you, the figures you wanted to be like, in whom you saw pieces of yourself. Because I realized this: if you surround yourself with the things that inspire you, let you dream of other places and big plans, life will feel deeper and more beautiful. It won’t just be about a white picket fence, or about obligatory checks on the to-do list. It can be a lot more, and you can learn that life is only like a storybook if you make it that way, romanticize it, and let those big dreams live around you and through you.

I was a big reader and writer as a kid, but I've lost touch with that lately in the traffic of life and growing up. The other night, though, I remembered exactly why those things enthralled me so much. Oddly enough, I was watching an old movie that I had never paid a lot of mind to before. I just felt connected to the characters, engrossed by all the little messages between the frames. And I realized that I hadn't felt that wonder in a while, caught up by the stress of my relationship, intertwined with one of the busiest academic years of my life. It was good to feel that kind of inspiration, and to realize that it had been missing for too long.

Your "thing" doesn't have to be reading, writing, or the Waltons' The Homecoming: A Christmas Story movie. It can be anything: cooking, playing basketball, making bracelets, listening to music, woodworking, painting rocks. Absolutely anything that grounds you, adds dimension to the everyday. So the message: stay in touch with the things that make life feel deeper, more important.

A

#relationship #passion #life advice #advice #breakup advice

[souled-out-2023]

Breakup: other love

My breakup was one of the hardest times of my life so far, and it still isn't easy some days. However, a lot of really beautiful things have been happening to me throughout the process. Instances of great timing, perfect coincidences, those moments when life feels parallel to poetry. Right before I cut contact with my ex, I met three really amazing people. I didn't know them that well at the time, but they're now some of the most important people in my life. Through them, I realized that genuine love comes in many forms. Love in friendships can be just as fulfilling as romantic love, or even more so.

I had a lot of small moments with them where it would hit me: this is love, too. It felt like the universe's perfect timing that I found them just as my relationship ended for good. Slowly, I've been finding (and rediscovering) more types of love. When my sister and I drive to get Dairy Queen, and she plays me her favorite music. When my mentor and her friend and I all end up in the fast-food drive through at two in the morning. When my cousin and I spend a few hours shopping and talking about our lives, growing up, what made us who we are. Dancing around outside the softball dugout with my favorite teammates. Driving on the highway, singing loudly to an old song. Drawing with my colored pencils spread out all over my desk. Running to the car in the pouring rain, laughing. Love can be so, so important in forms beyond romance. You can find the most fulfilling kinds of love in a friend, a sport, a hometown, a new city, a hobby, a book, a song.

So, the point: seek out love in all the other corners of life. Chances are, it'll be more genuine than what you lost in your old relationship.

A

#relationship advice #life advice #advice #breakup #breakup advice

[souled-out-2023]

Relationship: other relationships

I know everyone says this, but when you get in a relationship, make an extra effort to make new friends and spend time with the ones you have. It’s easy to get comfortable spending time with just your partner, but it’s so, so important to continue developing the other key relationships in your life. That way, if your relationship goes south, there are other strong support systems in place. You will have other people who make you happy, who you can make memories with aside from your partner.

I wish I had prioritized this more during my relationship. In the early months of it, I was extremely busy, from college applications, to acting in the fall play, to playing softball, so it was hard to find time for anything else aside from homework and my boyfriend. Making plans with friends was tricky, especially when we were all busy and exhausted often. However, I look back now and recall feeling really alone when I was hurting in my relationship. I did talk to my sister about what was going on, but she was the only one who knew how I was feeling for the first few months. Aside from talking to her, I kept all those difficult emotions and questions to myself. I wish I had opened up to my mom sooner, or told one of my close friends to get perspective on the situation. It’s difficult to work through feelings of hurt when your partner (who caused them) is also your main support system, and it’s even more frustrating when they don’t have the answers you hope they do.

It's interesting. I got very lucky and met some amazing people just as my relationship was ending. As I grew closer with them, I started to realize that genuine love isn't just found in romantic relationships. It began appearing in my life in other ways, in friendships, in routines, in passions, in people. More on that in another post, though.

So, the point: Having close friends you can trust to talk to, or just to spend time with outside of the romantic relationship, is key to staying healthy and to maintaining your sense of self. 

A

#relationship advice #life advice #breakup advice #relationship #friendship

[souled-out-2023]

Quick intro

I've been procrastinating my first post on here, since I haven't been quite sure what to say or how to start things off. But I'm finally here and writing! So I'll tell you a bit about myself. I'm A, and in the past few months a lot has been moving and changing in my life. In good ways, and difficult ones. I went through a hard breakup that "happened" over the summer, but I didn't cut contact until the fall, so things got stretched out over an extra few months. It was my first relationship, so there's been a lot to learn and process, and I'm definitely still in the midst of that.

The cool thing though, is I've been logging and writing and documenting all of these feelings and things I'm learning. There's a lot, so it's been overwhelming and complicated at times to untangle it all. But what I've been really aching to do is take all of those thoughts, all of the pieces of advice I've been squirrelling away, and put them somewhere useful. Where other people can do something with it. I think the hard parts will feel more "worth it" that way.

So this blog is a product of that, plus the New Year, plus my mom telling me I should start a blog or try to go viral on TikTok with all the advice I end up venting to her. (I am definitely not going viral on TikTok and I don't think I even want to try, so this is definitely the healthy alternative for getting my thoughts and advice out into the world.) I'm excited about this, and hoping it'll help some people with their own lives. I'm going to have a focus on some relationship and breakup advice, but also general things about life. Feel free to ask anything or suggest a topic!

Also (I promise I'm done after this): I go by she/her, and I'm straight, so my advice for relationships comes from the perspective of a straight woman dating guys. I think a lot of it can apply for any relationship, though! I just wanted to put this out there as context for my point of view and what I have experience with, personally.

A

#advice #relationship advice #breakup advice #thoughts #life advice #breakup #journal #diary #writing #relationship #moving on #love advice