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therem-harth · 3 years

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h h hewwo owoo 22 / 23 / 29 / 31 / 34 / 50 / 58 / 61 / 88 in any order, and u can also just. pick only those that u want :3

hhhh-ewwwo? I did say I wanted to chat and I desperately do not want to do work or studies so buckle in for a long post (derogatory). 22. role model? Oh man, I don’t think I have any, like, specific ones for entire things, though I do fall in my hero-worship phaes and then fall out of them like everyone else. I think that taking an entire person and being like I wanna be like them is... not for me though. But I do look up to some people for specific things - I look up to, weirdly enough, Abigail Phylosohpytube who I didn’t watch before her coming out for her graceful coming out video though she admits that the experience wasn’t obviously as smooth. I look up to lots and lots of people for their ability to create and their art (not gonna tag my fav artists bc am tiny and do not want people to look at me, but i do be reblogging). I look up to people like ConcernedApe Stardewvalley and Supergiantgames Hades for their ability to put so much soul in their work, smth I aspire to do. I look up to @not-poignant for, among other things, their idk how to say it best, wisdom in understanding and communicating with others and with myself? I’ve learned a lot by just sort of being in their periphery and seeing how they articulate their thoughts and choose to be kind and witness other’s pain. Hell, I look up to twitch streamers and youtubers sometimes (the recent nice trait I’d like to have if I ever went into bigger content production is how ibxtoycat deals with parasocial relationship realities). 23. strange habits? Hm. I don’t think drinking tea whenever I need a pick-me-up is strange, that’s just probably forcefully assigning a British nationality to me. I think my insistence on misspelling words in a way I think is lowkey funny might be one, I say thamks bc it feels softer, or thank bc it’s funny, I say sleeb, I say finkers or tryink or otherwise replace g with k for lulz. I also don’t know if it counts as a habit but I have a small leather band around my wrist that’s been there for a year soon. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I probs have like, stranger habits but I can’t recall rn. 29. best way to bond with you? Hmm. Well, if you show initiative and are explicit about wanting to spend time with me, that’s already a big chance of me spending time with you. And then if our interests match and I don’t think that you’re like, young in a way that automatically puts me in a position where I don’t feel comfortable really being myself around you bc in my head I have to look out for you (it has happened with two of my friends, sigh), and we regularly spend time together, voila, friend acquired. It simultaneously doesn’t take much and takes a bit to be my friend and bond with me - it’s easy af to become a casual friend cuz I’m always open to new people, but there has to be a level of trust to become like, a close friend. Respecting my boundaries, talking shit with me, being explicitly committal about wanting to bond with me are big steps that way. 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Uh, I don’t do neither, but a current fave that is reasonably badass is my black tshirt with like, a ritual circle and a deer skull. V edgy, 10/10. I also used to have like a real edgy tshirt with a jester and some dice that said the game of life, but I threw it out bc dysphoria. or maybe I put it at the back of my closet along with one other shirt In Case I Get Top Surgery so I can wear them then. 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? Many, such is the nature of advertising, alas. I have managed to avoid most of it tbh though, so the only place I am forced to sit through ads so they stick is my scrabble capitalist nightmare app where I play and always beat haha my coursemate. And they have adds for those shitty apps where you have to solve a puzzle that ends up failing in the add and like, drenching a man in green goo. I find those kinda fascinating tbh. Who plays these games? Who plays these shitty shitty games whose ad has to be “prove your IQ“ to make you want to prove yourself to play them? Oh and also, the insidious nature of ads in media I consume - the mcelroys have gotten me informed about many many things bc they do it in a funny way. Have you heard about squarespace? What about meundies? I also literally installed honey yesterday that I knew abt bc of the relentless adds and I wanted to save, uh, 2.50 from my minecraft server purchase (and then spent some time googling how they make money before giving up. just say u sell my data, that’s easier than not knowing what part of this makes you money). I was tired and in a weird mood, ok. 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? It’s always the stupidest jokes, what matters more is laughing together with someone and getting caught in a laughing loop. I still remember laughing with my siblings until our stomachs really really hurt bc I think one of us said a rug was vomit-colored and it was funny in the moment. How many times have I laughed like that with you too, vit. I know that Laura’s one is nostrilatu, right? :D :D It’s just something that catches you off guard, I think.

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Oh shid. Hm. 1) My ability to analyze data and understand the basic building blocks of something. Makes me cool at studying and sexy at explaining things to my course-mates. 2) Not a talent more like a skill that I’ve worked hard on through therapy - but my inner positive voice/healthy parent is very strong and automatic (something I was sure would never happen). A good example is me going out for a walk, my phone dying so I can’t listen to music, when I went in my head “well I can always make music in my head. do-do-do *drum sound*“ and I could feel the wave of self-reprimand cresting but before I could actually hear any negative comments the positive voice said with a light of a thousand suns NO THAT IS ACTUALLY CUTE AND SEXY and just haaaaaaah. 3) I sing good. Need to sing more. 4) I think I’m good at making conversation. Even with people I don’t necessarily like or want to talk to. More of a skill again but whatever. 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Do not come to me and ask for favorites, witch. Uh, I have some quotes in my notes app, like 7 from Pia’s writing :D. But imma go with “It’s a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in the broken world“ by Mary Oliver. It counts, ok. Or, wait, something I will for real one day either crosstitch of commission shitpostcalligrapher: “t’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. “What are we holding onto Sam?” “There’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.“” 88. your greatest wish? Hrm. Right now? To have like a couple days with no responsibilities and without the outside world bearing on me as heavily, to be tiny tiny tiny so I’m invisible and can drink tiny tea on a tiny leaf. Uh, in general? My recently formulated wish or a goal is stability/peace. Then everything else becomes ok because you can bounce back to stable ground between feeling shit or everything happening so much. And I’ve sort of reached that. Also like, half a million euros would be nice too so I can get a house and a car and go on a few trips abroad. :D // there’s two ask memes in my blog recently, go wild

#long post #derogatory #personal #i think the wish to be tiny was there more last week #now i just wanna have nice things and fun and a bit of rest but am otherwise less overwhelmed #also hey. talks #chats

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petitetiddiez · 5 years

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Since you asked tell me more about Rhian! She's the first oc of yours that I came across and I wouldn't mind learning more about her!

Rhian (Rhiannon) is the daughter of a single mother who,unfortunately, is an addict. Rhian spent a lot of her life seeing how much hermother was affected by withdrawal, relapse, and addiction as a whole. She wasalways taking care of her mother—cooking, cleaning, getting herself to school,checking in on her mother to make sure she was even alive. It became routine bythe time Rhian was in high school, and she’s always treated everyone around herwith just as much maternal energy.

Her life was very stressful and she continues to take onstressful situations for the sake of others. Rhian can’t say no—she has to beeveryone’s ‘rock’. She’s friends with people nobody else will give the time ofday, her house is full of moochers, she even worked to pay her boyfriend’sbills when he lived with her rent-free doing NO housework!

Thank god she has music as an outlet, or she’d go completelyinsane. Rhian is the bassist in a so-far unnamed punk band (the other membersbeing Viconia, Phaerie and Dhaun) and she helps Phaerie write a lot of theirsongs. Phae has the ability to express her emotions with a raw power unlikeANYTHING Rhian’s ever seen, but Rhian is the one who can take those emotionsand shape them into something other people will understand and relate to.

I think everyone knows someone like Rhian, so I don’t think sheneeds a lot of explaining. She’s calm, rational, hardworking, responsible, andmaternal. She’s a mom friend. She’s always there when you need her, noquestions asked, and when you do something wrong she’s DISAPPOINTED instead ofbeing angry. When she feels pain or sadness, she likes to deal with it alone sopeople never see her as anything but their dependable rock. She a bitoptimistic—she’d have to be to get through such long, tiring days—and helping peopleis all she ever knew how to do so it’s how she’ll probably live her lifeforever.

Rhian was engaged for several years to a guy she met at a vinylstore, but their relationship went south when he realized she wanted to settledown and start a family and he wasn’t ready for that level of commitment orresponsibility. They parted on good terms, but the hurt is still too fresh forRhian to actually want to SEE or TALK TO him. She’s been dating for a while nowand is steadily going out with Preeti Singh (another oc). They are bothrecovering from long-term relationships that didn’t work out, so they aren’tready to be ‘official’ yet, but still act like they’ve been together for years.It’s hard not to slip back into old habits when you were in a relationship foryears and years, even if you’re with a new person.

Rhian likes:

♥ Heavy metal (or anything loud tbh)

♥ Beat poetry

♥ Collecting obscure vinyl

♥ Pitbulls

♥ Staying in with friends

She dislikes:

X Most homecooked meals (grew up eating prepackaged food, so she’spicky when it comes to anything else)

X Rude/dirty houseguests (take your GODDAMN SHOES OFF PLEASE)

X Buying anything NOT on sale or thrifted

X Having to rely on others

X Being taken advantage of (but she won’t stop them from doing it)

Fun facts:

♥ She works, somewhat ironically, as a pharmaceuticalrep. She heard that they made good money, and plans on transitioning into othermedical fields once she’s got a decent amount of savings to back herself up.

♥ Rhian is the bassist for the band, but can alsoplay guitar and piano.

♥ Rhian’s uncle lives somewhere in Asia for work(most likely China) and was unable to visit when she was younger, but would sendmoney and gifts when possible. He’s the reason Rhian started to love music, andhe paid for some of her early instruments. He’s also the reason she and hermother were able to live alone. They were poor, but he tried to send them asort of ‘allowance’ on a regular basis to keep food on the table.

♥ She’s been working ever since she turned 15. Atfirst, it was waitressing jobs where she would be paid under the table sinceshe technically wasn’t allowed to work at that age, but by the time shegraduated high school she had two jobs that paid slightly above minimum wageand her mother was back in the workforce.

#oc: rhian #oc asks #tjlive5

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cottage-hippie-no1 · 5 years

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DnD Character thingamabob

I was tagged by my good pal, @quinnpacqard . Thanks again for tagging me!!

I'm doing 3 of my characters I have; Oolga, Aelphaba, and Winnifer.

Oolga Thropp

Class: Fighter

Race: Half-orc

Physical Appearance: Oolga is tall, muscular, but feminine. In summary, the butch of my dreams. She has long, thick black hair and brown eyes. Two of the teeth protrude from her bottom row, which is troublesome and causes mouth breathing. Her face is very soft and empathetic. She tends to wear Leather armor and a lot of neutral colors.

Likes: Helping others, maidens, her father, fresh-baked bread, knitting, and cheese.

Dislikes: Dishonesty, abandonment, careless individuals, and snakes.

Relationship? She's single, but isn't desperate to find a partner. She is quite content with being in small company, given that she lived with just her father for a long time.

What would their aesthetic be? Goblincore with a dash of bread.

What would their favorite musician be? Oolga would probably be into folk music or acoustic. She would probably really like Hoizer.

Who would their favorite comedian be? Hands down Gabriel Iglesias. He's energetic and full of spunk and Oolga finds those kind of people to be fun to be around.

Coping mechanisms? Talking out her feelings. She likes to have someone who can listen to her, even if it's a tree.

Random fact: She loves daffodils.

If they were an animal, what kind would they be? A Saint Bernard. She's big, but incredibly soft.

What is an irony about your character? She is supposed to be a tankish fighter, especially with her lineage, but she is just a big empathetic baby.

Make a short playlist for your character, whether or not the songs are from their ‘favorite artist’, with a short description as to why:

Changes- David Bowie- Oolga has been sheltered and the concept of new and strange things is a big deal for her.

Grow- Conan Gray- A big thing for her is that she is quite self aware when she needs to step up. She loves continuing to grow as a person

She- dodie- Oolga is a helpless romantic and I feel like this would be her in a relationship.

Aelphaba Naïlo

Name: Aelphaba (Phae) Nïlo

Class: Sorcerer

Race: Wood Elf

Physical appearance: Aelphaba is what one would call extremely short. She is thin and little and looks feral. She has neutral, medium toned skin with lots of freckles. she has light blonde hair that's long and curly. I've always seen her looking like Zendaya in a way, just much less distinguished. Her eyes are a deep green. She wears a lot of oranges and neutrals. Tunics and oversized cardigans are a staple in her wardrobe.

Likes: Relaxing, socializing, the smell of honey, warm, soft beds, and the orange glow of mid-afternoon.

Dislikes: Incompetent people, people who take things too seriously, stale food, people who cannot keep their hands to themselves, and Wizards.

Relationship? None. She's a nomad, so she doesn't have long lasting relationships. She does have an old flame that she admired from when she was just starting out on her own.

What would their aesthetic be? Aelphaba would be urban cottage core. She is an urban person and the softness of cottage core is a look.

What would their favorite musician be? I feel like she would be a The Cure fan. Like not to be goth, but just kinda like it for the sound.

Who would their favorite comedian be? John Mulaney. They're both incredibly feral.

Coping mechanisms? Telling jokes and being funny. She hides her problems behind her charming, loud, comedic exterior.

Random fact: She would be a fan on fluffernutters if she were to ever have one.

If they were an animal, what kind would they be? Aelphaba would be a ram. She has the qualities.

What is an irony about your character? She left home to have control over her life, but the most vital part of her life, her magic, is never under control.

Make a short playlist for your character, whether or not the songs are from their ‘favorite artist’, with a short description as to why:

Teen Aged Riot- Sonic Youth- she left in a sort of rebellion against her folks.

Young Dumb & Broke- Khalid- A constant state of Aelphaba.

The Chain- Fleetwood Mac- She and her parents had a spat like this song. I feel like she feels this way towards her parents.

Winnifer Irithyl

Class: Warlock

Race: Moon Elf

Physical description: very sad looking, pale skin, platinum wavy hair, and icy blue eyes. She has a frail upper body, but strong, dare I say, thick legs. She wars a dark cloak and working dresses. Upper tittie almost always out.

Likes: Warm tea, baking, warm, buttered bread, and soup.

Dislikes: Her patron, rats, and feeling helpless.

Relationship? Currently single. Her husband (and everyone she ever loved) very recently were massacred. However, her patron is very flirtatious.

What would their aesthetic be? Fire and ember mixed with palecore

What would their favorite musician be? Coer de Pirate, a French artist with an aesthetic I can see for Winnifer.

Who would her favorite comedian be? Probably Bo Burham.

What is an irony about your character? Her whole world revoled around family and now she is alone.

Coping mechanisms? Who needs coping mechanisms when you can live through revenge.

Random fact: She has a habit of twirling her hair when nervous.

If they were an animal, what kind would they be? Maybe a house cat or a leopard.

Make a short playlist for your character, whether or not the songs are from their ‘favorite artist’, with a short description as to why:

La Petite Mort- Coer de Pirate- its depressing, the narrator talks about losing a peice of one self (which is the other side of the french euphemism) with the loss of a loved one. I think it fits.

Still Feel. - Half Alive- She's dead inside, what else is there to say?

and for giggles: Jesus is the one (I got Depression) - Zack Fox and Kenny Beats - it's the two sides of her in a weird way.

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half-demon-and-half-angle-blog · 5 years

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So...I fianly made these for my 100 followers thing on @heartless-spikes-ask-blog

Phae- @tender-squared

(Queen) Blixer- @justcrownsandbeats

Allegro, tempo, and blixer- @nontoxic-markers / @just-asks-and-answers

Blixer/fresh- @askjustshapesandbeats

New game- @cyan-cat-dubstep

Blixer, Oreo (that lefty was dating) and lefty- @demonnoodles

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spikeganuelas22 · 4 years

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this is a story of how i once cheated on my wife..

whenever a person cheats normally people would judge you and tell other people who you are based on their impression of you when you cheated.. its not a good thing i know.. its nor right, i know.. however, in life sometimes we have to pass that phaes in our life and move on.. learn from it and move forward..

i was a trainer intern back then.. it was my first time handling a class of my own because my colleague left me for a higher post on a different department..

ive experienced the worst in this batch of trainees, like pay dispute, behind topics, always late (like freakin 1 hour and not just 1), and of course absences...

i have these group of trainees that smoke, so of course i smoke with them.. they are a group of friends who always mock each other in a funny way but no one gets mad or angry in short - walang personalan - one of them is Jed.

i am married by the way, to a lesbian.. i really like having crushes and my partner is okay with it. im okay with it if she does have one too.. normally my crushes are lesbian who looks like boys or what we called 'butch'.

Ive been married to my wife for 6 years when this happened.. but we've been together for 7 years.. i love her so much.. we have been encountering some problems but its not that big of a deal.. we never fight over money nor because of third party.. we always deal with those properly and sometimes through joke.. the only thing that i have a problem with is her mom and her mouth.. like she is an overthinker and perfectionist.. lets leave it at that...

so going back.. Jed has become one of my friends inside the training room.. we are yosi buddies and we started joking around that she' my crush because of her co trainees.. they keep on making fun of us that we look good together.. so me being a bully myself, i went with it.. started showing them funny things like when they tease us i act like i am 'kinikilig'. inspite of the struggles i am encountering i try to remove my attention with all the problems and focus on the fun insidebthe training room..

i even have that one time, when we were smoking i introduced her to my partner and told my wife 'she' s my new baby' and we all laugh..

it was a fun time, i never knew thats the start of my problems...

everytime Jed has a time she would buy me food or anything l.. i didnt see it as something i should be worrying about.. rather i looked at it as a trainee that is concern...

as days go by i didnt notice that im finding myself having fondness with her.. i started appreciating everything she is doing.. i caught myself trying to stop the eagerness to smile while doing discussion because i can see her eyes looking through mine.. everything is normal for everyone.. but something in me is starting to boil...

one of my trainees Ai always tells me that we look good together, she even told us both to break up with our partners and be with each other, we just laughed and went with it as a joke..

then there came a day.. Ai was resigning.. I dont know whats happening in me so before she left, i told her that i think its not a joke for me anymore, im not sure. then she said the it 'its becoming real for you isnt it? " then i just smiled and said yes... when she said that i looked at my back i though i saw her pass by so i was nervous.. i told Ai not to tell anyone as i dont have any plans with the idea.. she said she will try..

that same day i was doing practice role play woth my trainees wheb Jed called her friend tine and they both went outside... i was nervous for no reason.. the thought that i think she heard me kills me cause it was never my intention..

when they went back, their both quiet and she just sat beside me while i do the roleplay.. i lean my head on her shoulder and then remove it again just to tease her and everyone.. for fun..

that same day is the first time i went lunch with them.. i was planning to buy myself a pack of cigarette so i hurried my lunch and went up.. she stopped and said she would come with me to buy hers to.. we both went to store, bought ourselves cigarettes and then proceeded to the smoking area.. it gelt like i really need to know if she does know or not and i cant help myself i dont know why.. so i just gave her a few hints like pieces of examples to express what i felt.. before we finished i asked her one last question 'do you realize what i want to tell you or what i' m really meant to say? ' and she just answered 'yes' with a smile..

all throughout that day i am confused cause i really dont know what to feel.. i think i like her but i love my wife.. i wanna be with her always but i miss my wife... btw at the time it happened, my wife was switched to dayshift when i was in nightshift..

normally at the end of the day, i would stay in the training room for a couple of minutes or an hour to finish my reports.. and Jed would leave because her gf is waiting for her at the smoking area.. we never smoked together after shift..

on that same day i gave her hints about how i feel, she stayed and i asked her to go smoke with me.. she told her gf i was giving her a few reports to do so she wont get mad.. then we smoke..

i'm still pretty sure she does know what i meant earlier that day but i just cant help but ask.. so i let it out.. i was surprised that she was a bit confused too.. so we let it out there..

"is it a yes or a no?" i asked

then, we both said "yes"

when we are smoking we talked about our partners.. like how much i love mine and we've been together for so long and with hers too that has been on going for a year and almost a half..

we both have the predicament that since we have mutual understanding this kight be a problem with our partners.. i even told her my problem with at home, that my partner cant leave the house and live on our own because of tons of reasons.. i even told that how Jec (my partner) and I met, it was the same as what is happening with me and Jed right now... that we are both on a relationship...

she also rant that maybe the reason were like that is because she too is going through rough time on their relationship because her gf parents doesnt know their dating..

yet, we both had an understanding that it is what it is.. we dont want to ruin our relationship with our gf and wife so we'll jist go qith the flow.. and we did..

when i got home, i really dont know what i should feel.. i am happy with Jecbi love her so much and i dont want to leave her.. but their home is not my home, our home.. its not where i can be to help me grow with Jec in our relationship.. and Jed on the other hand, i like her so much that im excited to go to work to see her again.. i always look forward to seeing her early at work just so we can smoke and chat for long before the class starts..my thoughts were interrupted when i receive a message from Jed through my messenger.. she just said she is not feeling well and that she wont be able to go to work.. i just replied okay and take care cause i know she is with her gf that time and i dont wanna be someone she should worry about.. i feel guilty enough that i am already starting to like Jed and i dont need a person to faceslap me with the truth that we cant be together you know..

so when i answered the conversation started.. we talked about our relationships with our partners, how we met them, how long are we both wiyh them.. struggles, their good traits..

normally Jec would call to check up on me before i go to sleep so thats where all the hidden conversation started.. i told her i'd be sleeping but the truth is i have been talking to Jed the whole time.. we didnt even sleep.. Jec didnt know that.. i felt horrible but i ignored it cause im happy talking to Jed..

that shift was the day that it became official i am cheating..

we walked for an hour during lunch in a place where there were no people around.. i even dared her that she can kiss me in public.. and so we did..

on that same shift, before we get home, it was a saturday.. my trainees and i went to drink.. Jec allowed me too and all my trainees were very supportive with my relationship with Jed..

I got soo drunk that I asked Jed to take me out for fresh air.. that is when i brought her to the seaside bay near where we are drinking.. i told her that i might give up Jec.. that i think i can let her go that time.. so i dared her..

Jed and I ended up together same day and i didnt check my notification or phone for hours..

when i checked after 3-4 hours i had 70 missed calls and tons of messages from Jec.. one of her messages says "gnawa mo na to sakin dati sarah tangina naman.." then i realized Jec already know.. she finally knew what was happening.. and i felt numb.. i dont know how to react, what to feel.. all i know is.. im along now and that i needed to find a place to stay..

i answered the call finally and i just let Kec spoke.. she is giving up on me, she told me she will be gone at the house for me to take my things and our ebike.. i dont have money and i have jowhere to stay but i said sorry and okay.. i really dont know what to do..

when i came back to Jed she focused on the fact of where i would go and where would i get money to start.. i only have ₱20 in my pocket.. i dont even know how to go Jec's home to grab my stuff..

i asked Jed if i can stay with her but since she too is having a problem and quarell with her gf at the moment, and her gf is waiting for her at her house she yold me she cant and maybe i could stay with one of my trainees home.. i said no.. my career is all i have left at the moment and it will be ruined after all of this then if i choose to stay at my trainees house.. so i said ill come up with something..

we rode a bus going to nacoor cause i decided ill just try to loan cash from one of the oldest loaning company i know which fortunately has a branch in bacoor.. Jed went with me..

then, Gi called.. my friend and Jec too.. she called me asking questions like where are you? are you with her? dont you wanna fix this? dont you wanna talk?

my answers are all just,

"i dont know"

"even I, myself cant forgive myself forball of this"

"i dont know how to face Jec anymore"

"i love Jec but i dont know how to fix this"

after the call, one of our friends which we called nanay and tatay called, asking where am i and would like to pick me up... they knrw i dont have anyone to go to so kaybe they figured to take me in.. i said okay and we set up a place and time to meet..

after a while, i spoke to Jed, i told her that if there will be an us, i dont want it to start like this because that is how Jec and i started.. we may or may not be able to fix this - jec and i - but it doesnt mean we will continue..

after that we dropped by at imus near Jed home, thats when i realized how desperate i am and how lonely i was.. i cant call mu friends because their Jec's friend.. i cant go anhwhere because i dont have money.. Jed by thw wat lend me a few hundred just so i can get through the day and asked me to call her once i decided what to do..

Gi called me again asking if i can talm to Jec at the seaside.. she said i have to face her.. so i did say yes..

while on the van, i was trying to think of what am i doing with my life.. trying to figure out what im going to do with it now that almost all of my friends, all ky colleagues, all my life have been circling around Jec and i dont know what to do, this situation i place myself on and where would i go.. i cant feel anything.. i cant feel a damn thing.. i dont feel angry nor happy nor sad nor depressed.. all i know is im disapointed with myself.. witb all of this that i did.. i dont evven know who i reallh love or like. i really dont know.. all i know is, i wanna go back to baguio starg a new life there and be on my own where no one knows me.. but i cant..

so when i arrived at seaside, i saw a couple of friends who i think alreadg knew whats happening..

i met Jec in the ebike and she was already in tears, i felt pity and sorry for her for everything.. she does not deserve this pain.. she does not deserve this but i did wrong.. i can still hear whag she said before that if i will have a 3rd party better do it with a man than a lesbian.. or else she wont accept me.. that keeps on ringing in my ear while i was there..

Jec has been begging me to go home with her and everything will be fixed but i just said hurtful words to her..

like " panu kung ulitin ko?"

"tatanggapin moko tapos gagawin ko ulit, kaya mo ko tanggapin ulit?" but everytime she keeps asking me if i still love her, i know i do and said yes i do.. that is enough for her and then she strated vomiting.. she has terrible acid reflux and crying is bad for her.. so i said we'll go home.. on the way she yold me no one else knew at home what was happening only Jem.. and i knew she was in rage because of what i did.. i cant imagine how awful a person i am for everything i did to Jec..

so when we went home, in the room.. Jec and i talked.. i told her everything.. i told her that i think i love Jed.. i told her that i was happy with her but i dont wanna let Jec go.. i dont know which one to choose but i wanna choose Jec.. so she gave me a week just like what i did when she was the one who cheated on me.. i said okay..

later that night nanay and tatay arrived.. thats when my tears fell.. thats when i started to feel. i started feeling disapointment, regret pain and everything.. like killing myself..

i wanna leave and run away from all of it.. but i cant..

the day after that night i called Jed, told her that ive finally decided andbthat im letting her go, she was so angry at me.. she evem said i was a talk shit.. she was so mad but she asked menif i can just choose her.. and i said no.. i told her that if she come near me again ill hurt her..

after that i ended the call and go through the day as usual.. there is awkwardness between me and Jec but i keep on ignoring it because ive finally decided that ill choose Jec.. i choose her because i thought back then that weve been together for 7 years.. this isnt the first time i foind incatuation with another person yet i still stayed.. after all weve been through i still stayed because i really cant live without her, i cant even sleep without her beside me.. and also, i cant imagine seeing her moving on and loving another because i left.. and most of all, i still love her, that even if i found happiness with a different person i still find myself loving her, hugging her and never wanting to let her go.. i love her.. that i know..

later that day Gi and Jec got drunk and me too.. i wasbso sober that i didnt know whats happening around me and that Jec unfortunately called Jed and hearing Jed gf instead.. i dont know what theyve talked about but all i know is Jecs wants to hear Jeds side of the story..

next day i received a text from Jeds gf asking if we can all sit down and talked about what had happened.. Jec and I agreed but i was so nervous.. i dont know what to say or do because i know this is my fault.. Jec knows that im a scaredy cat qhen it comes to confrontation so she supported me all the way..

we all 4 met at a coffe bar and talked.. most of the talking was Jec and Jeds gf.. all throughout the conversation, Jec is trying to have Jed speak but all the talking was her gf.. and everything didnt go well.. all the fault and fingers were pointed at me.. that i started it that i provoked it and that Jed has nothing to do with it.. i felt terrible because it was all our fault.. but why is it only me?

before the conversation end, Jed asked if we can talk. Jec said yes and so is Jed gf. they left and that when i burst.. she told me that her gf is only trying to protect her.. and i told her that she and her gf made me look like i alone did the deed and she doesnt have to do anything to it.. i told her that i almost pick her over Jec but good thing i didnt because she is not worth it.. i was so mad at her for what happen that day but we all 4 had a deal.. that no one will bully Jed and that everything will go back to the way it was..

after that day Jed and I never got to talk again, i ignored her and she did the same.. i never showed her a hint of what i was going through like how hard it js for me to accept everything, make me look like i did everything on purpose.. i hurt all of them without remorse and that i use people for my own happines..

nobody knows how i felt that time because i do t wanna open up, i dont deserve synpathy nor empathy because i did this to myself.. i did all of this.. yet im so angry because evryone is pointing their fingers at me as if they knew me because of what had happened..

after a few days all was good. everything was almost back to normal. i always tell Jec what is happening in the training room, who im with.. everything.. but she cant really moved on with just that, Jec ia the type of person that would want to knwo both side of the story and on herbperspective, Jed never loved me while i loved her and almost picked her over Jec.. this pissed her off so she tried many times talking to Jed getting her side of the story but Jed keeps on messing around and not saying the truth..

this made Jec more angrier to the point that Jed even said i started all of it and that im not stopping trying to show her i still want us together.. so i told all of ohr friends that the deal is off and anyone can bully Jed.. i was so mad..

there tines before that she was the one who teases me.. like hello? youll put clover in your kouth and ask me to get it uaing my mouth? when i declined you used polo candy?? she even gave me a gift which has nothing to me but big deal to Jec so i returned it and she got angry..

like what did i do? i know i did something a while back like tease her but for me that was to show everyone that were the same people nothing happened no issues..

so after few days of argument and quarell.. Jec finally found a way to get her peace of mind.. Jed told me before that she normally express her true feelings through twitter.. so i followed her using my dummy quote section account and started tweeting.. at firat it was all me but the next tweets are all posted by Jec.. so that is when Jec find her peace of mind.. she found out that Jed really loves me.. but not brave enough to fight for me because i chose Jec..

eventually Jed and i have to have closure.. and because of that tweeter acvpunt we were able to do it.. i told her the truth that i thought that time i was just using her because me and Jec is on a rough situation in our relationship.. i hurt her i know but that is the truth.. i realized that i liked Jed but i dont really love her.. i just love the experience i had with her because Jec and I are not that way anymore.. we hoth grow and treated each other as best friends the intimacy and romance was gone.. thats why i felt that way with Jed..

i know im such a bad person but i know everyone deserves the truth.. i finally realize how awful of a person i am..

after few days Jec is somehow doing okay though she still has hard feelings towards Jed but its not that big of a deal anymore.. when everything was gojng back to normal.. i felt like i needed to say sorry to Jed so i asked Jec if i can and she did allow me..

Jed and i talked.. i thanked her for everything and felt sorry that we have to go through all of that.. i evem told her how sorry i am for everuthing she has to go through because of me that Jec deserves the truth but were all past that now.. she was also thankful because that time Jed and her gf finally told her gf parents about their relationship..

all is well and everything was back to normal.. there were awkwardness but i think that is part of it..

the only problem i have left was to forgive myself..

after ll of this i realized how i pirtant Jec is in my life that i almost gave up on her, when i cant even live by myself without her in my life..

all the problems were going through has an answer and all the things we lack to make the relationship work has to be worked on by us not by other people.. i realized that it was infatuation and attention i seek why i did those crimes.. i hurt people and i am sorry.. i never should have let that happen but it happened anyways so i choose to move on instead..

as of now im still with Jec we celebrated our 8th year anniversary, i gave her all the gifts she wanted on her bday.. i know it is not enough but im really trying..

from now on, even if i am still trying to forgive myself i will try mg best to make Jec feel loved that i deserve her.. that she deserves me.. we might have problems but we will always always work things out..

i may have hurt her but ill make an everyday ritual to make her happy..

thank you for reading my story.. hope we all learn from it.

regards,

Sarah G.

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