#'really well' it's all relative

[miserywizard]

i didn't know ruthless gods was out in poland huh did they buy the third one i don't think they did

#i have no idea what's going on with any foreign editions #except the books still sell in spain and russia #actually really well in spain? i got an actual royalty check from them a few months ago #'really well' it's all relative

[puppyeared]

people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime

#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head #around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working #as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of #how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol #i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were #pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family #i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by #ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me #or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made #you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm #im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help #wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career #i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades #but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard #yapping

[moongothic]

You know we all meme about how Luffy doesn't give a shit about his parents/Dragon, how he seemingly has no interest in learning about the man or meeting him at all, and like yeah that is a Luffyism

And for a long time I figured Baby Luffy would be the same too; that Luffy in his naïvete just accepted he must've spawned from the ocean itself into Garp's care or something, not realizing he should in fact have parents, thus Luffy's seeming disinterest in them

But you know what

Luffy did spend most of his early childhood alone

Sure, he had Garp, but it seems like Garp wasn't always there to look after him every day, he had his duties as a Marine too. Had Garp been there 24/7 all year then Garp would never have allowed Luffy to interact with Shanks (a filthy pirate) to begin with. So yes, Luffy had his grandpa, but not all the time. And sure, Luffy also had Shanks, but Shanks didn't spend all his time in Fuusha Village either, he came and went whenever he pleased too until his final departure when Luffy was just six years old. And yes, there was everyone else in the village too, people who cared about Luffy and were helping look after him. But Luffy's early childhood was one without a stable family.

It wasn't until Garp yeeted the child into Dadan's care that Luffy actually gained a proper family, where after months and months of trying Luffy managed to win Ace's trust and gained Sabo as a brother too. But as we know, by that point Luffy already hated being alone

All of this to say; Luffy growing up essentially orphaned would explain why he's so afraid to be alone, the way he clings onto people

In some ways Luffy's POV is meant to be the reader's POV, to some degree Luffy's feelings and thoughts are meant to be how we the readers feel and think about whaveter is happening in the story. Not a 100% by any means, but somewhat at the very least.

Perhaps Luffy's lack of interest in Dragon isn't just "Luffy not giving a damn about blood family because chosen families are better" nor "Luffy is too stupid to understand where babies come from". Perhaps Luffy, who may have assumed he didn't have parents at all (as in "might've assumed they were dead or had intentionally abandoned him"), doesn't know what to think about the fact that he does have a father out there, one whom he has never as much as met. Because yeah, Luffy doesn't know why Dragon left him with Garp, why he never got to be with his dad. Should he be angry at Dragon, hate him for being left alone? Or did Dragon have a good reason for it, does Dragon wish things could've been different?

Perhaps Luffy's seeming disinterest in Dragon isn't because he doesn't care about blood family, but because much like us the readers, Luffy doesn't quite know what to make of Dragon, and figuring those feelings out hasn't been relevant to the plot yet.

#Moon posting #OP Meta #IDK I see people often kind of just. Overly simplify (/dumbify) One Piece's themes about family into just like #''To hell with blood relatives! Chosen family is literally all that matters! Blood relatives can eat shit!'' #And it just. Feels like such a shame because One Piece's themes around family are so much more complex than that #Yes! Chosen/adopted families are just as much families as ones tied with blood! A family isn't more real just because it's tied with blood! #Sometimes your relatives suck ass! You don't have to considder them ''family'' at all! #And sometimes your family does Questionable Things but with the well-being of their family genuinely in mind. As their priority. #Despite everything Garp really loves Luffy AND ACE. He's an idiot but genuinely only ever wanted the best for those two #Family is when people love each other and want look after one another. **That's** what matters #That's why blood family reunions have been such a big reoccuring thing in the story especially post-TS #Reuniting families that've been torn apart would not matter if they did not love each other #IDK man I have Thoughts but not the braincells to form coherent sentences

[thewertsearch]

TT: We are like the emissaries to what lies beyond this small bubble in their unfathomable dark foam. TT: Derse skirts its edge, and during the lunar eclipse, we graze it, and that's when their intent for us becomes clear.

Is that it, then? You can only understand Horrorspeak when you're in the Furthest Ring?

If so, it must take nerves of steel to actually try and negotiate with them. We've seen what that place looks like without Bubble protection, and it is not pretty.

TG: what am i supposed to do [...] TT: They will teach you how to navigate the unnavigable. TT: The result should be a map. [...] TG: why TT: To plot a course through the Furthest Ring. TG: plot a course to what

Aradia said Rose would never find the Green Sun - and she was right.

But Rose isn't the only Derse-born Player in the session.

TG: whats the deal with this thing [...] TT: I don't know that there is a deal with it. [...] TT: It is what it sounds like. TT: A huge sun out in the literal middle of nowhere, and it is bright green. TT: It is simply, TT: The Green Sun.

I feel like Rose is being a little too flippant here. If you're planning on messing with one of the cores of reality, I don't think there's such a thing as too much caution.

The Sun is an enormous, intensely supernatural pseudostar of unknown, possibly unknowable origin. The game taps it to create First Guardians, but we don't know if that's its intended purpose, or if it even has an intended purpose. Unlike everything else in Sburb, it is not duplicated across sessions, doesn't feature in the game's storyline, and is only referenced in a cryptic stone monument buried hundreds of feet under LOLAR.

It's not even in the Medium! It's 'part of Sburb' only in the loosest possible sense, and feels more like something completely foreign to the game that Skaia is just using. Even the Horrorterrors feature more heavily in the game than the Sun.

Rose doesn't seem too curious, but I am. Just what the fuck is this thing? Is it the only one of its kind, or does Skaia draw its power from other enormous structures, hidden deep in oblivion?

TT: It is nearly twice the mass of our universe.

Scaled against every Sburb session, that's actually pretty small.

We know from Doc Scratch's introduction that every planet supporting intelligent life will have a First Guardian. Every universe will have at least one of these, since its creators will want somewhere to live. There are also universes with a surplus of intelligent species - the Alternian Empire has to be conquering someone.

In other words, this Sun is powering, at an absolute minimum, one First Guardian per universe. It's impossible to estimate how many universes there are - but if (as was implied) every intelligent species is destined to spawn sessions, and if even one session on a planet is successful every million years, the numbers get exponential really fast.

From a metaphysical standpoint, 10^50-ish kg just isn't that much. The First Guardians themselves probably have more collective mass than the Sun.

#homestuck liveblog #full liveblog #act 5.2 #s90 #3040 #Rose could also be using the actual non-observable mass of the universe (since all bets are off at this point re: relativity) #But she still has a number. So the universe is finite #The number of universes should dwarf it by any measure after just a few iterations of session nesting #Really this is all just for fun; even without timeline branching the actual number is probably just infinity - or it may as well be

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[girlwiththegreenhat]

i am never going to recover from the death shroud radio play actually

#liz blogs #fallout 4 #death shroud #its been in my watch later for like 3 months now and i just got around to listening to it all the way through #its got everything. its got nick valentine. it's got Funny Bits. it's got amazing universe writing. it's got a mystery. #its got nick valentine again. yes i'll mention him twice he's my peepaw :) nice old man #i should have expected That Ending with Those Voice Actors Present but i was still Unprepared for where that went #demonicae #bitch. i get it now. i get what you meant by 'it was relevant to my interest in more ways than one.' holy shit #that ending was crack to my brain i tell you #it starts like 'oh yeah thismight as WELL be canon though' and ends like 'oh my god thats so delightfully silly and fanfic-y. ... but still #-relatively in the bounds of canon even with that premise.' its good. oh my god its good #obscure videogame crack lore about glados and claptrap dating my beloved. that's the stupidest shit i ever seen (affectionate) #now THAT is a crackship. they are SO divorced #i was not ready for any of that oh my fucking GODDDDD hELP ME #also i never considered nora and danse dating but actually. thats really funny. she has a type. she just replaced her fucking husband #its basically the same guy twice.

[autisticaradiamegido]

day 26

someday if i can figure out how the hell people get these things made i would like to do some little destiny & malice acrylic charms. i think those are so fun. and while i mostly want them for Myself i figure that if i DID figure out the process, i should maybe open up the option to anyone else that might want them, soooo...

informal poll: if i figure out how all that works, would any of y'all be into that, and approximately how many of you?

#day 26 #year 5 #my ocs #destiny chainsaw #malice winterfang #i know i've said i don't really like the idea of commissions and this isnt like a PROMISE or anything #i still have a lot of research to do before i commit to a shop of any kind #BUT. i think like a redbubble or something in that vein might be a manageable project #i mention stickers specifically because that seems like a very manageable thing to produce and ship even if i didnt go through like #a service to do so #particularly because i dont think id get a TON of orders for my niche OCs lol #but if i got some practice with something small like this it MIIIIGHT help me build up to making things for a larger market like... #say... well you know what i'm about over here lmao #we've basically all but gotten the official blessings of the powers that be to make homestuck merch without fear of reprisal at this point #ANYWAY that would be a ways off and be a much MUCH bigger project both artistically and in terms of like #me learning how Online Commerce works from the seller end. #BUT I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING IT. and it seems to me that it would at least be relatively simple to sell like. prints of old art maybe #i dunno! like i said i'll see how the poll shakes out while i do a bit more research

[wonder-worker]

"The newly widowed Elizabeth (Woodville) was exceptionally vulnerable. Several of the trustees responsible for her jointure refused to hand over the manors that were meant to sustain her in her widowhood. Moreover, her brother-in-law, Edward Grey, had seized estates that her son Thomas should have inherited from his paternal grandfather, while her mother-in-law’s new young husband, Sir John Bourchier, had prevailed on Lady Ferrers to settle her principal properties on them jointly for life, ensuring that Thomas would have to wait far longer for this inheritance too. Rivers and Scales were pardoned in July 1461 and swiftly moved into the Yorkist establishment, which perhaps explains the success of the chancery suits Elizabeth launched to regain her jointure. Her son’s inheritance proved harder to recover. By 1463, Rivers was often in (Edward IV's) company and on his council, but Elizabeth needed someone with much stronger influence over the King. She turned to a distant kinsman, William, Lord Hastings, the King’s chamberlain. Hastings drove a very hard bargain for his aid but it was probably amid these negotiations that the King’s desire for Elizabeth was kindled."

-J.L. Laynesmith, "Elizabeth Woodville: the Knight's Widow", "Later Plantagenet and Wars of the Roses Consorts: Power, Influence, and Dynasty"

#historicwomendaily #elizabeth woodville #Elizabeth really had terrible in-laws #And these people weren't even the worst of them - that particular award goes to Richard of Gloucester #As complicated as her first widowhood sounds it was a breeze compared to the literal nightmare she went through during her second. #Honestly though: part me wonders what Elizabeth's first marriage was like because we know absolutely nothing about it. #The marriage itself is a blank slate but the fact that her husband's parents & siblings were so indifferent and uncooperative #to her - and their own kid-grandchildren?? - after he died indicates that his family may have been rather dysfunctional imo? #Certainly they (or most of them) don't seem to have cared about the wellbeing or dignity of his young and newly widowed wife which #doesn't exactly suggest closeness or support during the marriage itself from their end. #Elizabeth doesn't mention John Gray in her deathbed will either though she mentions Edward IV. She may have thought it was #'inappropriate' to mention her first husband beside her significantly higher-ranked second husband...but she DOES mention her son by #her first marriage - which would have drawn attention to it anyway - alongside her royal daughter so that's unlikely to have been a reason. #Maybe it was simply the passage of time? She and John had been married for very few years and she lived such a different life after that #So it's possible that her first marriage simply seemed very distant and faraway to her. #Alternatively it may have simply been undivided affection for Edward IV (her husband of 19 years who she married for love) #which fits well into the relatively personal nature of her will. #Of course we don't actually know anything about any of this and this is all pure wild speculation on my end...but I'm curious. #It's really a shame how little we actually know about Elizabeth's life - made worse by the very limited primary records of Edward IV's #reign and the fact that his chamber records don't survive. And it's even more frustrating that this is so rarely actually acknowledged #by historians. I'd argue we know far more about the life & interests of most other 'prominent' women of the Wars of the Roses #(sans the Neville sisters) than we do about Elizabeth Woodville.

[todayisafridaynight]

@ your tags about akiyama: no but he must’ve been so fucked up over that though??? 8 years. He was ghosted for 8 years and he knew it was bullshit the entire time but Date kept pushing him away and Kiryu never said anything to him. 8 fucking years. I’ve been turning that “guess I didn’t matter since I wasn’t part of your little gang” line in my head for WEEKS that shit HURTS (in both a good and bad way fuck you rgg but also mmmm good angst). justice for aki man he don’t deserve that shit though

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING LIIIIIKE

it's the most cathartic feeling in the world whenever someone yells at or tells kiryu in one way or another how selfish his actions are or how his actions have hurt them or others... like thank you so much akiyama kiryu really deserves to get clocked out sometimes...

#iw spoilers #snap chats #i know people dont like akiyama but at the very least we have to agree he had the right to be upset #anyone who's supposed to believe their friend is dead for nearly a decade while they reunite with everyone else is so foul #omg eight years its like kill all your friends ....... i love that song ... #but no like i just think of that bit in y6 when kiryu came to visit him in the sewer and he was so jazzed to help him out #akiyama really was ride or die for dude i remember bro was ready to bloody his hands for him innnnnnn 4?? p sure it was 4 or 5 #esp since akiyama got to act as an uncle figure for haruka i just know he saw himself as someone close to kiryu SO FOR KIRYU TO #QUITE LITERALLY GHOST HIM and had no intentions to even tell him ever.... dawg bye #date deserved that slug too EJLRKE SORRY BUT you tell EVERYONE ELSE kiryus fine but not homeboy #well. fine's a bit relative innit. cancer and all but point is #a postcard wouldve been nice... im gonna throw up thinking about it i gotta watch that scene again

[garbagechocolate]

*cracks knuckles.* hello there. tis i, mystery mutual

I would send without anon but… I’m a coward. forever and always </3

I’ve seen through your posts that recently, you haven’t been doing the best (it’s normal, that happens, I’ve felt the same), and I’ve been thinking on and off about another /pos attack. (idk whether or not you want my two cents. if not you can delete this)

as someone who has a horrendous sleep schedule, sleep. hypocritical of me? honestly yeah... but better sleep can help with your mood/ feeling down. better sleep does a lot of things. also, take a break! time for yourself offline! it doesn’t have to be a super long, several month hiatus (unless you want to do so), but even a few minutes offline can help. social media is stupid and stressful, but nature is cool. I am a professional nature appreciator. you can trust me on this one

additionally, as a appreciator of your art (not a professional, but we’re getting there) don’t stress yourself out over your stuff! you do not owe your followers! maybe I’m a little biased (I am very biased) but I think your silly doodles are very neat. anyone who doesn’t think so is a fake fan /j

drink water (sip sip), stretch regularly while drawing/ on the computer. do not be like me. or else /lh

(this long, rambly ask was less of a /pos attack and more me going TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF 🫵)

have a good day/night. I should probably go to bed

ANON I JUST

You made me CRY what is WRONG WITH YOU /lh

Thank you I just

I'm not really good with words so that's all I can really say

#trashlate #ask #anon #WAHHHHHHH #text post #textpost #i haven't been doing very well at all really but i've been tryna keep it relatively positive #fake it till you make it right? #but god reading this just hit me straight in the feels #queue

[toytulini]

if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.

#toy txt post #or maybe i am just sameface syndrome #but also different face syndrome #two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time! #i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao #the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her #her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime #birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept #but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie! #me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i need to practice. features #you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet #to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that #knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!! #not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime #im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps #happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be #and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also #no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!! #agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to. #anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy #part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least. #for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy #on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that #feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller #headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure #and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height #but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes #the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights #are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye

[deoidesign]

we will recieve some glimpse in what Time And Time Again would have been if webtoon gave you enough time?

To be honest, at this point I don't think it would have been entirely different. It would have been More, I guess. Each part perhaps a little longer, development a bit slower, delving a bit deeper into their psyches, more time periods and mysteries...

The kinds of things I feel sad about missing are things like. I wanted to give Steve a cane. I wanted to touch more directly on Adam's PTSD. I wanted to get more into vampires, share some more of the worldbuilding I did, I wanted to send them to so many places, I have a list that's like an entire page of ideas! just... More! I still want to do these things, I'm trying to fit everything I can in... But yeah. Theres really only so much I can do with the limited time!

It's hard to explain, but when you rewrite everything to make it smaller, it's not necessarily different in very tangible ways. It's not quite like "this was the original ending but I had to change it" (for me, at least) it's more like... I planned a five course meal for my guests, but had to go with three. Everyone is still getting fed! And no one expected five courses anyways. The goal is that we're all full and happy.

I know this makes it confusing why I'm complaining about the situation, if it's no different tangibly what's the problem? Well the answer to that is it's extremely hard to condense things that, quite frankly, were already pretty dense. It's really hard! But it's work worth doing, to me...

So to answer your question, the glimpse into what it would have been is what I'm going to give you.

#it's just shorter #the way i write already utilizes HEAVY cutting #i delete entire episodes all the time #I'm already pretty efficient with my space #but this... it's been like. every single moment has to be capitalizing on like four different threads #the ending the next arc the current arc their characters the lore. like #and it can't be in a way that's boring #I'm still working hard to make each arc relatively standalone #just #it's all hard!!! #and the thing is it will #if i did my job right #feel seamless to you as the reader #the only indication i cut a bunch should be that I'm telling you i am right now... #just yeah #a lot of people keep asking me where i am and what's taking so long #like well!!! #I'm trying to make it good!!! #so be patient please! #if you wanted a rushed ending we coulda been halfway there by now #but i want it done right! #so that takes longer! #asks #anon #hope this makes sense #i don't really have a huge “this is what they're taking from you” #I'm trying to build you guys a playground you can play on #and i trust through the life you breathe into it #it will be fuller than i could have done regardless. #so write. draw stuff. send them one million places

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me' #i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe! #so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

[mariocki]

La tarantola dal ventre nero (Black Belly of the Tarantula, 1971)

"Yes, I've always told you to drop it, it's true. But now... you're not giving up. Not now. And I don't really care about the movie. If they're out to get you, it means the murderer is afraid of you. It means you know what you're doing. He's afraid of you."

#La tarantola dal ventre nero #black belly of the tarantula #italian cinema #giallo #1971 #paolo cavara #marcello danon #lucile laks #giancarlo giannini #claudine auger #barbara bouchet #rossella falk #silvano tranquilli #barbara bach #stefania sandrelli #annabella incontrera #ezio marano #giancarlo prete #nino vingelli #eugene walter #anna saia #relatively early in the giallo canon but it's nice how this is already starting to play with the established formula; Giannini's lead would #ordinarily be a loner out of his depth or an overly confident cop‚ but instead he's a cop out of his depth‚ crippled with self doubt and #paralysed by his own dissatisfaction with his chosen profession. he does his job well and correctly but still people keep dying and still #he solves the case less through some genius epiphany of what he's been missing and more from simply being in the right place at the right #time. it lends this all a sense of helpless ennui‚ the giallo as predestined exercise. unusual too in lacking a strong female leading #character; Bouchet is introduced as the apparent audience avatar then unceremoniously killed off a few minutes in‚ with no one really #rising to take her place. it's an interesting and downbeat dissection of the tropes‚ exposing that while plotting was usually king for #these films‚ in reality (and there is a streak of realism through this film which many gialli miss) it has little impact on the people and #the lives concerned. there is a great complex qeb of intrigue going on but it ends up having nothing to do with the killer's motive

[forestofsprites]

it is relate a little too much to a fallen star friday. which is to say that i am constantly burning with energy and light too tremendous, too combustible to hold within an inadequate and frankly dissonant body. and that everything, most nearly every aspect of the world is so wholly overwhelming, which is an utter nightmare when understood in conjunction with my perilously determined curiousity. and that so much as i am scared, i'll continue falling because the alternative is no true alternative at all

#autistic folks who are at odds w being in a physical format friday #i don't really fit in here yknow #theres so much. and who i am is so far removed from physical appearances that it's frustrating #i'm not disconnected from my body. it is my own and i really don't mind it all thst much #it's just trying to understand the Me the All Of Me as relative to a body that feels too small to hold me #it is very late and well friday is pushing it tbf #thoughts

[youremyonlyhope]

Hey. RTD2. If you're playing some sort of long game with this whole not even mentioning the existence of Martha Jones thing as a way to throw us off the scent of a possible appearance from her later in season "1" or "2" of this era...

Nah. I can't even begin to let myself hope it will happen.

#dw spoilers #doctor who spoilers #doctor who #martha jones #i was gonna say he's on thin ice but nah boy is underwater with me #i'll still be tuning in. for Ncuti Gatwa. i've currently lost the bit of hope i had in RTD2's era though. #because so much of what i predicted would happen in the handling of Fifteen came true. and then top it off with Martha. #but i let some hope grow during Wild Blue Yonder. because i was enjoying it. a lot. #but we've really gotten off on the wrong foot. making Fifteen really have to share being the Doctor. #and Fourteen's face as Ten traveled with 3 companions. 4 if you count Sarah Jane. 5 if you count River. #and you mention all of them. besides Martha. #not even a joke of 'hey well Martha got out.' to the Toymaster in retaliation for all the dead companions #the Fam and Dan were left out too. but they all survived relatively unscathed. and none of them traveled with Ten. #you have Tennant's face. you mention all of Ten's other companions. you leave out. Martha Jones. #will he gain it back? hopefully. but dude. you do a 6oth anniversary special. you bring back Tennant for the THIRD time. #you leave out Martha Jones. almost purposefully. not even Mel or Kate saying 'lots of companions worked for us. like Martha.' #SIMPLE. JUST NAME DROP HER. SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE. AT ANYTIME. JUST ACKNOWLEDGE SHE EXISTED. #all those 'ah your old face' 'look same face' 'i got this face back' comments. no mention of someone the face traveled with. #i'm upset