#(i'm thinking they went down in idaho)

[nyrasproblm]

I'm not the only one - 4

Leto Atreides x reader, Paul Atreides x reader (platonic), Jessica Atreides x reader (platonic)

Word Count: 1,3K

Warning: Kinda angst, age difference, mention of drinking alcohol, arranged marriage, mention of infidelity (I think)

series masterlist | next chapter

Moving your toes uneasily, you continued your reading attentively, even forgetting to keep your back straight. Since the heated argument with Leto during the last dinner, you hadn't left your quarters, you preferred to stay quiet and away from the eyes of the duke's servants and men.

The only people you spoke to more often now were Raja and Dania, your servants, since they had to attend to you and were in your quarters almost always. You didn't give Jessica and Paul any opportunity to talk to you, even though you now actually had some duties as duchess.

Your duties as duchess were limited to speaking and taking charge of the governess and servants and answering some letters. The letters that did not contain very important matters, of course, you had to answer them and they were then taken to the duke to be analyzed and if they were satisfactory then they would be sent. Well, at least you kept busy.

Your plans to be mentat with Thufir Hawat were also put aside, you didn't want to get in the poor man's way and he didn't want to risk being discovered.

As the days went by you became more and more quiet, speaking only as necessary to your maids and nothing more. It felt good to keep your thoughts to yourself, like you did on your home planet. You hadn't spoken to Leto in a few days, but his words were still present in your mind, you still felt bad.

Sighing, you looked up and looked around the room, your rooms were fancy without a doubt. Everything was very symmetrical, the walls, the bed built on a small platform that rose a few inches off the floor, the thick rug on the floor. There were several elements that you liked about Arrakeen Palace: the neutral colors of the plain walls, the beautifully carved artwork on the walls, the way everything seemed to fit well into this environment. It gave a certain feeling of comfort, somehow.

You placed the book on the gray stone table and leaned back in the upholstered chair, before you could get up a knock was heard on the door.

"Come in."

You automatically broke into a wide smile when you saw that it was Thufir Hawat. Quickly standing up and approaching him in long strides, you wrapped the short man in a tight hug. He had the same friendly features as always.

"Thufir Hawat, good to see you again."

"I say the same, Duchess." He smiled, stretching his sappho-stained lips. "The Duke sent me here to summon you for today's council."

Your smile gradually faded and your face formed a confused expression.

"The counsil? But I've never participated before." you questioned.

"Apparently the Duke wants you to fully occupy your position as Duchess." he stated.

You were still unsure about leaving the safety of your quarters, but you knew you couldn't get away from it any longer.

"Well, to the council then.”

The council room wasn't that big, but it had a long dark stone table, with a few chairs arranged around it. Like the rest of the Palace, the room was symmetrical and minimalist, with few details, but it had a rectangular window that gave a view of the city outside on one of the walls.

Thufir guided you to a chair near the head and pulled it for you to sit down, you thanked him quietly and he walked around the table to sit facing you. You knew it was indiscreet to stare at people blatantly, so you turned your head slightly and quickly looked around the room. Sitting at the table were also Duncan Idaho, the master swordsman, Gurney Halleck, the warmaster, and a few other men you didn't know.

You turned your head when you heard the doors opening again, seeing Paul and Leto walk in together, exchanging soft smiles with each other. Everyone stood up formally and you did the same, waiting for the Duke's signal to sit down again.

A shiver came over you when you realized that Leto was going to sit at the end of the table, next to you. He walked over and signaled everyone to sit down again.

Your mental confusion increased with every minute of that meeting, Leto and his men talked about politics, the spice, the Fremen and relations with other great houses, but you had no opportunity to speak or give your opinion at any time. The time you wasted here could have been used to continue your duties or to read a book.

"Remain seated, I want to talk to you." Leto said in a low voice at the end of the meeting, when everyone else was leaving.

You remained sitting upright, chin slightly raised and features neutral as you waited patiently for you two to be alone. Leto turned to you, still sitting in the chair, and sighed. It was the first time since the wedding ceremony that you were so close to him, he seemed more tired now.

"I want to apologize to you most sincerely." he began in a calm voice. "I let my problems get bigger and took them out on alcohol, and consequently, on you."

Remaining silent, you chose to just nod, which gave him the opportunity to continue talking.

"Jessica advised me to try to make our coexistence more pleasant, for you and me. She said we should spend more time together, but I hope you understand that I don't have much free time." he continued.

Just as quickly as you cheered up, you withered again. He was apologizing because Jessica had told him to, he was telling you to spend more time together because Jessica had suggested it. You twisted your fingers under the table.

"Yes, sir, I understand that."

Leto nodded and cleared his throat.

"I hope we have dinner together tonight then.”

As much as Leto was willing to apologize to you and spend more time with you influenced by Lady Jessica, you were satisfied in a way, he now acted more leniently, even though he couldn't spend much time with you through occupations as duke.

You started leaving your quarters more and went back to seeing Paul and Lady Jessica, your relationship with both of them also improved, you sometimes welcomed Jessica into your rooms after dinner, she would comb your hair for you to sleep.

"I think you're getting along well with your husband now." she said cautiously as she ran the brush repeatedly through the length of your hair.

"I think so, he said he wants to make our relationship better for both of us." you replied as you kept your gaze on your hands resting in your lap.

She stopped brushing and you frowned, turning to her.

"Everything is fine?"

"Yes, yes, all right." She nodded and placed the brush on the dresser again. "I must go, good night, my dear."

Dinners with everyone present were also held again. Tonight everyone was around the table eating in silence, the atmosphere seemed strange so you preferred to remain silent.

You didn't exactly know the reason for the strange atmosphere, but Leto distanced himself again a few days ago, but not as much as before, so you also kept yourself busy with other things. Lady Jessica was acting strangely lately, she practically ran away from your presence, always ignoring you when you tried to call her to your quarters after dinner and other things.

Clearing your throat, you decided to break the silence.

"Paul, how's your training going?"

"It's going very well, but it's more difficult because of the heat." he smiled widely. "I've been to the desert a few times, to see the harvesters, I wanted you to go with me but mom says you're busy with your chores."

"I've been a little busy, yes, but I'd love to go with you sometime." you replied and the boy seemed to light up.

"That's great, I asked mom to go but the doctor said it's not recommended for her to expose herself to heat because of her pregnancy."

Your spine froze and you turned your head to the other two occupants of the table, seeing them as frozen as you were.

"Are you pregnant?" you ask in a low voice to Jessica.

#writing #dune fanfiction #writers on tumblr #fem reader #duke leto #duke leto atreides #duke leto x reader #leto atreides #leto atreides x reader angst #dune fanfic #paul atreides #jessica atreides

[dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night]

Not so Strange Bedfellows part one

TW: nonconsensual affection, referenced murder, referenced attempted genocide, referenced necrophilia, implied kidnapping, human whumpers, vampire whumpees

Note: This is the first chapter of a crossover between You can't Follow Your Heart if there's a Stake Through It and the Eden Vampire AU. Colt and Jacob are going to get on like a house on fire.

Moving down to Idaho was the only reasonable solution to Jacob's problems. He didn't have such a horrible reputation there. Or any reputation at all. After nearly a decade spent dreaming of the day he would escape those who had scorned him, he was finally doing it.

He considered Washington State as well. But for a blue state, the politics sure were waving red flags. A so-called "vampire rights" movement was going strong among liberal circles in Seattle. Jacob had to protect Rurik from human politicians who would use him for their propaganda.

Getting Rurik from Alaska to Idaho wasn't as difficult as one might think. Apparently, if you flash your vampire hunting license at the officials running the airport, they let you check a vampire's casket under the plane during a daytime flight.

Jacob had never flown before, and spent the whole trip staring out the window, terrified and whimsical in equal measure. Part of him wished Rurik were awake to take in this view, but the smarter part knew that Rurik would have a panic attack within five seconds of the plane taking off.

Their new house was… nice. Not that Jacob had much to compare it to.

He hadn't lived in an actual house since he was taken into foster care as a teenager. Besides, his childhood home was forever marred by memory of his mother's body. Dolled up by his father as though she were still alive. Sitting at the dining room table...

Yes, his new house was much nicer than all that. He made short work of unpacking his few belongings.

His bed and Rurik's casket went in the master bedroom, of course. Food, both for himself and Murzik, went in the kitchen. Most exciting of all, there was a spare room for Jacob to convert into an art studio.

Murzik was confused by her new surroundings, and chose to take a nap on Jacob's bed until Rurik woke up. Victoria was still locked in Rurik's nearly airtight casket with him, and Jacob hoped she would stay there.

But even harder than keeping pets from escaping was the matter of keeping Rurik from escaping. Jacob figured anything that kept vampires out of a house would surely work as well as keeping them in.

The dried garlic looked nice hanging over every outside facing door and window, in any case. And it was better than having exposed silver around as a threat. It might repel vampires, but it didn't burn them.

All that was needed today was for him to get established with the local vampire hunting guild and return home before Rurik knew he was gone. He had no idea what the work environment would be like, but hoped it would be significantly less toxic than the one he had just escaped.

•••

Jacob sat nervously across from Ilya, the head of the vampire hunting guild he had applied for. This was the first time in over a decade he had to apply for a job. Somehow, he doubted whether this was going well.

"Your record looks good, for the most part," Ilya said, his Russian accent reminding Jacob of Rurik. "Fourteen years spent vampire hunting. Kill count almost as high as my own…" He smiled sarcastically. "The only problem I see is the multiple past charges of necrophilia."

"I've had a rough life," Jacob said, trying to wiggle his way out of this tight spot through trauma dumping and making shit up. "My mental health declined quite a bit after my parents died. Dear old dad kept mom's body in our house for over a year before he hung himself. I ended up committing a few acts of… um, necrophilia during a mental breakdown. I assure you, I'm doing much better."

"I'm glad to hear that," Ilya said. "You have a lot of potential. As long as you can avoid future necrophilia charges, I'd love to employ you."

"Thank you," Jacob said. "I've heard that vampire hunting guilds vary from place to place, but I've only ever worked for one."

"Our operation functions much differently than Miss Chandler's. Unlike her, I don't personally believe exterminating vampirism is necessary. This guild kills any vampires who murder shamelessly and show no desire to atone for their actions. But we also do community service, including ethical blood drives and education programs for vampires who want to rejoin society. It's a dangerous world for peaceful sorts, and we don't want to make it worse."

"That sounds wonderful. I didn't know there were any social programs for vampires, except for those hippies over in Portland and Seattle trying to pretend that vampires are just like humans."

"Humans and vampires are very different. Both in physical and mental aspects. Understanding that is the first step towards achieving peace."

"I'm assuming you'll be more specific about assigning me bounties, as opposed to Chandler's 'just bring back proof of a kill and I'll pay you' style."

"We have more thorough forms of investigation, and you'll usually be given at least an address of your target. We pay for singular bounties, instead of having monthly paychecks."

"I'm used to that last part. Shouldn't be too difficult. Do you want me to do it alone or with a partner?"

"We'll assign you a partner unless you would prefer to go on your own. Teaming up is much prefered, for safety reasons."

"I've always worked with a partner. I think I'd prefer it."

"Excuse me then."

Ilya left the room, giving Jacob plentiful time to think over his prospects.

This was shaping up to be a glorious opportunity, and one he hated the idea of blowing. He'd have to be more secretive with his necrophiliac tendencies, obviously.

The door opened, and Ilya sat down behind his desk, another man hurrying after him. He looked Jacob over with slightly judgmental interest, choosing to lean against the closed door rather than sit down.

"Mister Amity, meet Mister Spearing," Ilya said. "His hunting partner died a week ago, and I'd like you both to work together."

Jacob stood up to shake his new partner's hand. "Hi, I'm Jacob Amity. It's really nice to meet you."

"Colt Spearing," he returned, an unpleasant smile on his lips. "I'm sure you'll be fun to work with."

You can't Follow Your Heart if there's a Stake Through It taglist: @hugh-lauries-bald-spot @heavenlyeden @whumpsday @whumpshaped @kira-the-whump-enthusiast @whumpytine

Eden taglist: @hugh-lauries-bald-spot @thedarkmongoose @whumpsday @whump-by-robin @kira-the-whump-enthusiast @annablogsposts @whumpshaped @seetheothersideofparadise @knittedeyebrowsandcardigans @whatwasmyprevioususername @boonasaurusrex @suspicious-whumping-egg @heavenlyeden @melancholy-in-the-morning @snakebites-and-ink @suck-my-cl1t @i-eat-worlds @scp-1296 @chiswhumpcorner @skittles-the-whumpee @whumpkinz @dokidokisadness @enbygesserit @canislycaon24 @be-gay-do-crime-ahaha @a-crumb-of-whump @pixelated-whump

#Abraham original: Hot off the press #Whump #Whumpblr #Whump writing #Not so strange bedfellows #Vampire whumpees #Human whumpers #Crossover #Crossover writing #Whump series

[sapphyreopal5]

I'm very currious about all you have said about the jared/gen dynamic. She has said in many recent interviews and podcasts that she would have/wants another baby. She also mentioned in https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/011-gen-padalecki/id1669068961?i=1000607754239 episode 11 about 1h10m in that her psychic friend told her all about her future husband when she was a younger gal. Its is a fun listen. That her psychic friend was right. Her husband was there for her all along, she just had to wait for him to come into her life. Also, she claims jared is very intuitive, which I've kinda thought he was a little blind to people's intentions, as he seems too trusting and looks for the best in people.

Having said all that, jared seems the type to love easily and I imagine there would be constant temptation on his part, even if he was deeply in love.

Thank you for this share Anon. I see that this podcast was aired on 4/6/2023. Pretty interesting things to notice in this podcast on your part, not to mention the numbers! Episode 11, 1h10 min in, and the overall podcast is 01:17:48 long... I see 11s galore here! Heck, even as I'm typing this the URL contains 1111. The quotes from that website that standout to me in this particular for the numerology aspect going on here is "Put your intuitive gifts to work. 11 reminds you that your thoughts have power, so focus on positive intentions to attract the person or whatever else you desire." Also for the health aspect because I believe this is relevant to Jared and even Gen too: "Regarding your health, angel number 11 is a powerful reminder to pay attention to your overall well-being. It’s like a cosmic call to nurture your mind, body, and spirit. 11 encourages you to seek balance and make positive choices for your health."

I also noticed the message Peggy said to her in the podcast is: "Slow down, try not to rush to manifest everything you're trying to manifest. I see all these piles of things of all these different things, *exaggerated breathing" and also the pressure of really like doing it right and which one is the right one to do it with and as you do with all things, slow down and just relax then that one will show up, that one present itself, so you're not doing it alone. You don't have to think about it all yourself and if you relax with it, that project that needs the attention will go "hey, me" right, and you'll just intuitively feel it more in your body and um also just..." *pause* "It's like you have a lot like *laugh* okay, less structure on the outside, more on the inside. Does that make sense to you?" They also talked about her tendency of wanting perfection in things but Jared telling her to not let perfect get in the way of great.

I stated there will be a time of separation in their marriage in my previous tarot post regarding Gen and Jared for a reading I did back on 7/22/2023. I believe that this one will be more quiet and not public (but will be hinted at, as if it isn't already). Interestingly, people were speculating that Gen went to Idaho with the kids alone for weeks. I saw a story on Gen's IG a few days ago I posted a screen recorded video of, which actually confirmed this. She claimed "my husband had to work" for why he was not in Idaho... because every actor and writer is currently busy working with the strikes going on right now? It's also strange to note that in the same IG story she posted confirming he was not in Idaho with her she was talking about a drink supplement she's been doing every morning for a while now... ag1partner!

I believe also the awkward "non kiss" on Celebrity Family Feud (around 4:54) that was filmed on 4/22/2023, and the hesitancy to kiss onstage at the JIB13 convention on 6/18/2023 (around 11:33) in recent months are telling. Also, "No, don't wear your hat". Gen we all know Jared wears his toboggan as a comfort thing, no one cares about it on a live video book review, I promise you. I'm referencing their "Happy Place" IG live story they did back on 5/26/2023 or so, it's a couple min into the video. I believe that the bigger message Peggy missed here is that they need to tend to the "health of their marriage" and spirituality, as they are physical health oriented people and self-care types as it is. Stop caring so much about what other people think Gen! Less structure on the outside, more on the inside...

From what I've noticed in the short time I've been part of this fandom, Jared has a lot of subliminal messages in the things he says. His idea of heaven is "being able to love freely" and said something like "I know what it means to live in secret" when someone talked to him about "coming out of the closet" to their family. Wish I could tell you which panel that was as it was a couple friends of mine who told me about this stuff. Was Jared admitting he's gay? Not a chance but I do believe he was hinting at some reservations he's got with even his own marriage. My guides tell me that Jared does need help to work on his intuition and to trust his instincts. My senses also tell me that their marriage isn't as ideal as people believe it is, a lot of smoke and mirrors. Gen seems to be done pretending things are perfect but is afraid of letting go of her current lifestyle.

These are my thoughts on this for now Anon. Thanks for sharing this!

#genevieve padalecki #jared padalecki #spn family #supernatural #Instagram story #JIB 13 #Celebrity Feud Jared Gen Padalecki #apple podcast #bathroom chronicles

[heathersdesk]

The Youth Fundraiser—Then and Now

It's that time of year when various congregations are doing their annual youth fundraisers to raise money for their youth camps this summer. The emails went out last week setting the date for our silent auction and asking other members of the ward to volunteer items and services for the youth auction. I've decided to make a crocheted blanket (maybe 2) for it. We did a dessert auction in my last ward and people paid $200 for cake pops that the Young Women made, so I'm imagining some version of that will also happen here.

That was one of the last years girl's camp was a thing before they made a lot of changes to the youth program. From what I see now, the single fundraiser pays for a co-ed overnight trip that all the youth go on to the same place, and have the chance to do the same activities. It's wildly different from what my experience was as a youth, where the Young Women would raise most of the money and the lion's share of it would end up paying for the Young Men to go to Scout Camp because it was more expensive. I went to Church in Delaware when I was in Young Women and there was an enormous discrepancy between Camp Rodney (the expensive and very nice facilities owned by the Boy Scouts) and the cabins we went to, all of which were in poor conditions and didn't have a fraction of the amenities and offerings that Scouting did.

I hope those days are gone for good. I would not wish them back. And now that I know the stuff I donate isn't being allocated in ridiculously gendered ways, I'm happy to support in whatever way I can to give the youth a fun experience in the outdoors together. Especially if it means I don't have to come along because these Idaho people feel the need to climb up vertical surfaces to the tops of things, and I do not enjoy it. If I'm going to pop a lung, I can think of better places to do it than in the middle of nowhere down the dirt roads of Idaho.

All this to say: if you're so inclined, start thinking and planning the goodies you want to offer up for your youth fundraiser.

And if you were in Young Men as a youth, know that more likely than not, the other youth in Young Women you went to church with probably paid (at least in part) for you to go to Scout Camp. Make sure the Young Men and their leaders in your congregations pull their own weight during these fundraisers instead of making the Young Women do all the work and raise all of the money.

#mormon #lds #mormonism #tumblrstake #the church of jesus christ of latter day saints #no scrubs #church

[felinemotif]

i am also nosy <3333

4, 21, 24, 33, 34, 41 (or other hot drink), 43, & 46

two nosy gals <3333

4. which cryptid being do you believe in?

listen i LOVE cryptozoology my dream is to one day go to the annual mothman festival in west virginia and spend an entire weekend. i don't necessarily believe-believe but if at least one were real???? like say....the yeti... i would not be shocked. honestly it makes me pretty happy to think that there are all sorts of interesting creatures out there. so maybe not true belief but wanting to believe?

21. something you’ve kept since childhood?

my childhood dog passed on when i was a teen. her name was jackie, and she had a white collar with a diamond bejeweled bone. the leather got worn down over the years but i still have the jeweled bone!! eventually i would like to get a copy of it tattooed + have the pendant remade into a bracelet or hair clip.

it's actually one of the only things i still have from my childhood! some things are just worth saving.

24. if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

definitely eating for one. i don't know how you feel about fast food but it's not something i eat bc i worry about cross contamination (no meat outside of seafood for me) so it'd have to be either a picnic or convenience store snacks. totally painting each other's nails and talking about childhood comforts and fiction.

33. the last adventure you’ve been on?

i did a roadtrip with an old coworker of mine. he moved out to idaho about a year and a half ago now, but we were good friends fast so we try to stay in contact. he had to drive back my way on his way to go see his parents so he stopped, picked me up, and then we went all the way up to NH together. it was a lot of fun. i really appreciate his calm way of going through life; he lived out of his van by choice for a few years straight out of hs and then saved up to buy a plot of land so he could start building his own place. he's like a strange cousin to me.

34. is there a song you know every word to by heart?

so many!!! memorizing lyrics is easy for me. i've been singing un puño de tierra by becky g (my girllllll) in the shower though lately. and while washing dishes. and driving. basically all the time. i rarely even play the song anymore since it's already so stuck in my head.

41. how do you take your coffee? (or other hot drink)

if i'm very tired i'll just drink regular old black coffee to wake up, no milk. for hot drinks i really prefer to have matcha or a bay leaf and cinnamon stick tea.

43. what’s your take on spicy foods?

i'm latina; if it's not spicy, i don't want it lol. i have been really into indian food recently actually and have been learning tons of new recipes bc they have such a large amount of vegan and vegetarian dishes that all have a kick to them. it's great.

46. favorite holiday film?

i'm a the nightmare before christmas girl all the way. one of my favorite films in general, even outside of the holiday category. i also like to watch the low budget horror films they come out with for holidays (mostly the halloween ones but the christmas ones are always pretty funny too).

#thank you for asking~~~ #ladytauria #replies #ask games

[dragonsatmidnight]

CN: SI

I'm very tired of my brain. And being disabled. And bureaucracy.

I got a car recently because I haven't been able to reliably get myself to medical appointments using the Idaho medicaid transportation system, thinking that because my section 8 benefits would allow me to get an apartment at 935 rent and my current apartment is 795 a month, I could budget for and shop for a car. Except apparently the 935 also has to include all of the utilities they expect me to pay, so they're denying my application because I can't pay enough of a percentage of the rent to qualify for the voucher program.

I've been told there's no way to appeal, and no way for me to reapply with a higher income. So either I try to think of ways to appeal, or ways that I can try to find loopholes, or whatever else, and maybe make headway and get my section 8 benefits, or maybe I just end up putting in a ton of work only to need to subject myself to several months of deeply crushing poverty. Or I don't try and subject myself to deeply crushing poverty.

Which is making me struggle with SI, because poverty that crushing is exhausting, dehumanizing, and you know, miserable. One of the biggest things that can trigger my SI is shit like this. I was living in an abusive situation for literal years, because I didn't think I could tolerate the financial instability of living on a fixed income, unable to have enough money to comfortably feed and clothe and toiletry myself without massive amounts of stress. I got evicted, I went through apartment hunting and moving, I spent months trying to get everything sorted, and I thought I had gotten a handle on things, gone through all of the social programs, and put my brain and body through fucking hell, to realize that I probably needed to move out years ago, and I was in the process of getting my social assistance programs moving, and I could see the light at the end of the jumping through flaming hoops stress tunnel.

Only to get denied based on an overestimation of the utilities I pay, and not being able to just pay another 72 dollars a month so I'm not relying on my parents temporary help to have housing security.

I'm tired of fighting, I'm exhausted, every single thing about being disabled is turning life into this massive fight.

I want to sleep indoors, have a nice computer, have enough clothing to get by, have the accessibility equipment I need, and have enough to eat. The fact that I have to fight like hell in order to get these very, very basic things is exhausting and it makes me want to give up on life. But I can't even do that, because trying to kill myself has mostly resulted in more chronic health issues. And I can't handle any more chronic health issues without shattering the rest of my sanity.

I'm tired of obstacles making me want to die. I'm tired of obstacles. I'm tired of having a brain and body that barely function, only to have to somehow force my brain and body to function if I want to have anything in life.

I don't know if anyone in this void I'm shouting into would have constructive feedback, or how I would feel about it when all I want to do is lie down and give up.

I'm waiting on emails tomorrow to see what's going on, and I'm going to continue to try to talk with the woman at HUD to see if there's anything I can do here.

I may be able to try to apply for adult disabled child benefits when my step dad applies for benefits come July. I may be able to get an increase allotment because I need a ground floor unit and I couldn't find any in my town.

Do I have hope? Not currently. Do I want to try to force myself to have hope? Not especially.

I know I want to be done. I know I want to lie down and not worry about anything. There's a voice whispering in the back of my head that if I died, my partner would have a bunch of their debt forgiven. I would want them to have my car, but honestly I don't know what happens to a car you're making payments on when you die. Does the bank get it?

I know they'd rather have me. I'm just so tired. And I'm exhausted. and I'm tired of having to deal with all of the hoops, and the SI on top of the hoops.

I'm sleep deprived and rambling now, so I'll try to call it there. This is just depressing and demoralizing.

#suicidal ideation #section 8 #idaho #low income woes #disability

[iceddecafcaramel]

12/1/2023

I went on a date today with a guy that I found pretty attractive, and he was into me, and I really liked our time together. But it all felt too fast. Is it because I still have feelings for D, hoping that if we keep hooking up, we'll get back together? I really hope not but I have to be honest with myself. I think there will always be a small part of me that wants him back romantically. But I also think it's because the date was moving too fast. He was holding me in his arms and ready to kiss me and spend the night together. Honestly, it wasn't just the fact that I was on my period - I didn't want it. Before, I used to swoon over any guy that was holding me if I was attracted to him. And I would sleep with them on the first date, and it wasn't a big deal.

There was nothing bad to say about my date tonight. He was nice and attractive, I just didn't feel like it. So I said no. But is this me setting firm boundaries and putting myself first? Or is it because I already have or still have someone in my heart? I'm pretty good at setting boundaries in other situations but with my previous dates, I feel like we're just going with the flow and my boundaries were stupid, which is why the accidental hoe down happened in Idaho. Heck, I even felt uncomfortable when D kissed me for the first time. But honestly, it was a physical attraction thing too. The way he picked me up against the wall and kissed me that second/third date, and how horny I was when he started to taste me was making me so sexually satisfied. And because H never made me feel that way or made out with me, I thought it was something I'll never find again. And I definitely will, but right now, I think that’s why it's so hard to let go because I would rather keep my friends with benefits that make me my happiest self sexually, rather than someone who wants to be there for me romantically, who I don't know how it'll be sexually. It’s still hard to let my inner freak out, and D’s the only person I trust with it for now.

D was unmistakably the best I've ever had, both romantically and sexually. But because I know that there are men like that out there and what I'm looking for exists, I can't settle for anything less anymore. I'm proud of myself for respecting myself and keeping my standards high because I deserve someone who will truly make me happy, not those who make me hope that it'll work out. This date tonight had a dog and that's an obvious no for my fur babies. We are a package deal and I won't settle for dog dads and those who are allergic to cats.

#thoughts #D

[herbs-and-spices-and-flowers]

Paragraph Thursday

I've been debating what to type here. Well, I'm piecing it all together into one long story.

So the story will start off with two of my OCs. Oregon Atsma and Minnesota Hamms. They are sophomores in the same class. Oregon was walking down a hallway, but then tentacles from the vent burst and grab her! Her friends come and try to help her get free. She struggles, kicks, panics, but to no avail.

"Hang on, Gonian!" yelled her friend, Maryland.

They pulled, but the tentacles yanked her out of their grasp. They wouldn't quit, though. Where she was from, your friends/peers love you to bits. Minnesota lunged and hung on, but he got pulled into the vents too. Then it all went black.

The two friends woke up in a wild forest. It was really hot. It was high temperatures in the state of Minnesota in August, but this was July in Idaho! (I'm a traveler kid. I know this.) Like a DM once said, if the sun was a fist, it'd be beating down on you. Minnesota was the first to get up. He was scraped and bruised, but nothing too serious. He gets up and looks around. He then looks down and finds Oregon clutching her head and groaning in pain.

"You ok, Gonian?" He asks her.

"Ow. My head hit something."

He extends his hand to help her up. They look around. Minnesota saw a village in the distance.

"I see something! C'mon! Let's go!"

Minnesota ran ahead, Oregon still struggling. Then Minnesota runs into a group of bushes that wouldn't let him pass. Oregon stumbled past hims still clutching her head. Then she fell on the bushes. They hiss and scurry away causing Oregon to fall on the ground.

"Woah, Gonian. You cleared a path for us!" exclaimed Minnesota

"Ow."

"Need help?"

"Not right now. Thank you, though."

She gets up and they walk (and stumble. She hit her head. I should know. I hit my head once too.) They find tents and stalls lining the road. They also find a man walking towards them with not much confidence. When he stood in front of them, they could see him more clearly. Tall figure, glasses, brown hair, dark eyes, hat and a nervous expression on his face. But then his expression then changed to surprise.

"Well, ummm you seem young to be adventurers. Don't you think? Or is this a school trip? I thought it was next week."

"We are not adventurers." she answered.

"And we weren't having school trip." added him.

"We're actually lost."

"Lost?! How come?"

They then explain what had happened to them. He listened and was a bit surprised.

"According to my studies, your description matches with a creature called a...a... I can't remember exactly, but it can reach into other worlds and pull things from there."

"Could we be in another world?" Oregon looked up before placing her hand back on her head.

"Maybe."

"Yeah. This doesn't seem like Earth."

"Oh then you are from another world." answered the man. "I'm Ohio Jack. What could your names be, kiddos?"

"I'm Minnesota."

"Oregon Atmsa. Nice to meet you, Mr. Jack."

"Ummm. Alright. Not many people call me Mr. Jack. Usually just Jack. Are you ok, Oregon?"

"Ow. My head hurts. I think it hit something."

"Oh. I hate it when that happens."

Now, when you are stuck in another world the smart thing to do would be to stick with a familiar face. Which would be hard if you are stuck, well, in another world. So now, Mr. Jack became the closest thing to a familiar face, so they stuck with him. He didn't mind as long as they behaved and did not make things difficult. He explained that he was going to explore someplace crazy because he was an archeologist in this world. But first things first, he had to grab supplies in order to survive.

"We'll just grab some potions to make sure we don't lose any limbs."

"Potions? Yes! We are in wizard world!"

"What?"

"Well, you see Mr. Jack. In our world, we wouldn't have potions. The closest thing would be a bunch of chemistry and fumes."

"Alright then. C'mon. To the druid's place. Her potions are...very questionable. But they can come in handy in a life threatening situation."

So first stop, the druid's tent. What "questionable" things will they find there? Will they find a new friend? Will they survive this world 'till they come back to their own? Find out soon next time, cause I'm running out of time. Maybe on next Paragraph Thursday, or maybe I'll continue on Saturday. See you.

#fool's gold #paragraph thursday #my ocs

[jiessicas]

07.09.23 & 07.10.23 OOO ⛺🌳🌊

camping is so cool. i want to go back! it was my second time (the last time was 2016 in northern idaho); it feels like a deeply american thing to want to go out into a designated patch of land to live off of as a recreational activity and…. i get the appeal though i hope that the practice can be parlayed into something more communal/integrated into my life in a city (the fantasy of having a tidy, self contained existence…. as a kid i liked how turtles had their homes seemingly wherever they went)

i think about someone who said, only white poets write about animals, and nature (and i get the sentiment), and at the same time, i think i want to build my connection to the natural world, which i never really thought of as a place for me to feel a connection to / to linger within growing up

we traveled through so many climates / terrains, all in one day (huge shout out l, the mvp) — california is incredible and i’m convinced the american dream is to have a little plot and a little chair to sit in the sun within (and maybe a driver’s license and an open road— i just got a reminder to renew mine, though i haven’t used it in the four years i’ve had it)

feel so scattered but maybe that's the whole point; so many new things to take in/process (as is always the case, it seems); so many conversations i'm grateful for this weekend

07.09.23

pretty winged things in your area (encountering beautifly among others on pokemon go)

found another lil grounding tether (signed up for a generative spec fic class in august)

The Week I Had Three Açaí Bowls, The Third Of Which I Regurgitated Into A Trashbag On A Road-trip To Petaluma

hot girls (me) drink like 3 liquids simultaneously (pocari sweat; ginger tea; ?sodium? water) when their stomach isn't cooperating; more being humbled by my body; was a lil more sensitive to car sickness than usual

saw a plushie of three peas in a pod on someone's dashboard

drove through the windows xp hills

gathered treats & supplies at target/tj/sports basement

there was someone at sports basement who set us off with a "have a great camping trip" who had randall park vibes -- it was sweet, and built up this feeling for me of like, living out a second adolescence to do the camping i wasn't really interested in growing up

got to the campsite ~7p; spent the whole time figuring out how to put one (1) stake in the ground while s figured out the rest... "they're like origami shelters" - l

gathering around fires; there was prechopped wood lying around, watching the moss burn was trippy

subsisted (contently) off of baby yogurt pouches and hot dogs/brioche

around the campfire, talked about ghost stories / familial histories; roasted hot dogs; toasted some bread, listened to the frogs ribbit; brushed some earwigs off of our stuff; went to sleep with the cover off to look at the sky

07.10.23

woke up, wandered around, saw some deer crossing the creek by the visitors' center from a couple dozen feet away; we just looked at each other for a while; there seemed to be groups of parents and their fawns? the smallest ones looked like really jumpy puppies when they skittered across

our campsite felt like a cute pop-up small town; there were two kids on a bike, going in circles around the campgrounds, everyone was set up and lounging, almost as if we each had a front porch facing into a shared circle/meadow

we went on a small hike, saw lizards pumping their arms and basking in the sun, really tall dandelions, a tiny observatory that also laid out a hiking trail with the solar system scaled down to their trails; a community science center

microdosing small town america...dropped off our gear and meandered to a town f grew up in, first stopping by a bagel shop they would walk to after school, then ambling through the downtown, where i bought a few poetry books, and then some; it was really sweet to find a book that anthologized poets from the region; it was really special to get to read it on the drive back

in the downtown, there were also especially tall lavender plants and honeybees; we stopped into a shop that sold fossils?! and meteorites?! working theory is that this place is asteroid city in disguise....

walking around a bakery/community garden, i couldn't help but think about how the things we consider utopic often are concerned with just having like, enough to be comfortable -- why can't there be community gardens and green spaces that everyone has access to?

we also stopped by a grocery store to buy stone fruit, pet a cute dog in a bandana, take some funny wes anderson-y pictures; tomales bay for oysters; various scenic lookouts along the pch

++ a really nice conversation with questions prompted by s: what would make sense only for this summer? for these six weeks? what makes it go well? what kinds of installation pieces? what kinds of group projects?

#ooo #hagsooo23 #s23 #log

[govandalsncaa]

#1 Vandals offense awakens in 52-35 take down of boise state

In a rivalry game, sometimes players are able to elevate their game to a new level. On Saturday, boise state quarterback, Camron Humphrey completed his first 21 attempts of the game, on his way to a 28 for 32, 315 yard and 2 touchdown performance. Despite his play, the broncos were unable to overcome Dylan Thigpen and the Idaho Vandals.

The game began with a 17 play drive by Idaho, that included two different 4th down conversions, that was capped by a Dylan Thigpen 5 yard touchdown run to take a 7-0 lead.

The 2nd quarter would see both squads score two touchdowns. The most explosive play from scrimmage on the day, came when Akim Mills, who stepped in for 1 single play after Dustin Coleman was shaken up, found Ken Jones all alone behind the defense for an 83 yard touchdown. That was Mills' only snap of the day.

The first half ended with a beautiful 2 minute drive by the Vandals that ended with Dustin Coleman finding Kevin Barnett in the end zone with just 2 seconds left before intermission, to provide Idaho with a 21-14 halftime advantage.

Coleman finished 11 for 17 for 136 yards and 1 touchdown. Kevin Barnett caught 4 passes for 38 yards and a touchdown. Ken Jones hauled in 4 for 121 yards and a touchdown. Dominic Henry also had a nice game with 3 catches for 57 yards.

After taking the second half kickoff, the broncos were able to tie the score on a 42 yard pass play. That was a short lived tie, as Brandon Luckett took the ensuing kickoff 108 yards to restore the Idaho lead at 28-21. The broncos would respond once again, on an extended drive to knot the score at 28 all, with just 3 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.

That is when Dylan Thigpen went to work. The Vandals scored the next 21 points of the game to take a 49-28 lead with 3:23 left in the game. Thigpen was sensational, and the Idaho offensive line was opening up huge holes for him to run through. On the day, Thigpen carried the ball 34 times for 190 yards and 3 touchdowns.

boise state scored a final time with 1:43 to go, as Idaho was in a prevent defense and just trying to kill the remaining time on the clock.

A somewhat unpopular and controversial field goal by the Vandals with 5 seconds to go, provided the final margin at 52-35.

Coach Idaho Coach spoke with the media following the game.

"Well, I was really happy with our offense today. That is what I wanted to see. I thought we looked like the best team in the country on that side of the ball.

On defense, I was really unsatisfied. Sure, their quarterback had a great game, but we didn't do enough to make him uncomfortable. We have to get a better pass rush and we also have to cover better down the field.

Overall, I'm happy, but I still think there is plenty of work to do.

With that said, I don't think there was any doubt who the best team in the state of Idaho is."

Final Score:

#1 Vandals: 52

broncos: 35

[kayliemusing]

50

What name do you go by most often? - Kaylie

Is that your real name or a nickname? - Real name

Has your birthday come yet this year? - Yes, it was back in March

Where is your mom right now? - Upstairs watching Under The Banner of Heaven

What were you doing at 4pm? - I was watching Leon Lush YouTube videos

Are you a good speller? - Yes

Who was the last person to give you a ‘high-five’? - I have no idea. It's been so long. I feel like it was probably someone at work.

Would you consider yourself a shy person? - Yes.

Can you play the guitar? - No, but I wish I could so badly.

Three things you ate today? - Apple pie, hot dog, and liquorice. Very healthy choices.

What did you do last Sunday? - I can't remember that much. I think I went out with my mom maybe to the mall??

How many orange shirts do you own? - I don't think any?? I think I have one that has orange in it but not a true orange shirt.

Are you currently taking any prescription medications? - Just cipralex

Do you like skim milk? - No. I used to drink Almond milk, but now I just kind of avoid milk. If I drink it, it's regular 2% (but I'm lactose-intolerant so I try to avoid it as much as I can lmao)

How did you bring in the New Year? - I don't remember. I think I just went to bed lol

Are you missing anyone right now? - Not overly. I was missing my dad yesterday, but it's not so bad today.

If you could relive one moment in the past week what would it be? - I was super inspired and motivated last night and would definitely love to relive that short lived moment.

If you could spend 30 minutes with someone who is gone, who would you pick? - My dad

Biggest mistake to date? - Letting my cat outside at night back in June a month ago because she got hit by a car so we had to put her down :( Literally will never forgive myself.

Where did you go to grade school at? - Mattie McCullough

Have you ever lived in Tennessee? - No

Idaho? - No

Nebraska? - No

Maryland? - No

Texas? - I'm not American.

Does anyone in your family smoke? - A couple people. Some of my cousins do and my aunt does. I think she quit for a time but I also think she took up the habit again.

How many of the people you live with are over 21? - All 3 of us.

Who do you wish you could talk to right this moment? - I guess my dad? I always wish I could talk to him one more time.

How many clocks are in the room you are in? - Zero, except for the one in my phone.

Do you use MSN messenger? - I used to in middle school.

What time will it be in 6 hours? - It'll be almost 5 am I think.

Have you kissed anyone in the last week? - No

Do you enjoy classic rock? - Depends on the song. Generally not my go-to.

Have you ever been told you looked like someone famous? - In passing, but not as a true comment or compliment. When I was in middle school, sometimes I got people that told me I looked like the lead singer from The Band Perry but that was only because I had blonde hair and my hair was slightly curly/wavy from a fading perm lol. (Truly I don't look anything like her)

Are you anemic? - I was in high school. I think I still am, but I'd have to get tested to see.

At Christmas, do you have a fake or a real tree? - Fake, because my mom always said that real trees are too messy and they get sap and needles everywhere lol. I also think fake trees are prettier because they have less gaps between the branches.

Do you usually go watch fireworks on the 4th of July? - Again, I'm not American. (I also don't usually go on Canada Day because I don't have anyone to go with and I kind of don't care)

Do you remember when the game Oregon Trail was really popular? - No

Does anyone have your heart? - A bunch of random fictional men

What did you do last Valentine’s Day? - I think I worked, but even if I didn't, I was probably at home not doing anything.

Can you count to 20 in any other language? - No. I could at one point but definitely not anymore

How old were you in 2001? - 3

In 1973, how many years was it until you were born - or were you born? - 25 I think?

Have you ever had a crush on someone, and found out they liked your friend? - No

Have you ever been liked by someone you didn’t expect would like you? - I'm not sure? There was a guy in high school that I think liked me but that was never confirmed so I only suspected, but I could've been totally wrong. If he did like me, then yes, and only because we were in separate crowds.

Who ended your last relationship? - I've never been in a relationship

How do you feel about that? - I'll answer according to MY last answer lol. It's low-key embarrassing never having dated or even kissed anyone because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me OR it makes me feel like OTHERS think there's something wrong with me.

Do Mondays get you down? - Not really. I work in retail so Mondays just mean a slower day which means less crazy or rude people.

How long have you been at your current job? - Almost four years which is INSANE. I don't know how I've lasted this long. I've been saying I want to leave for two and half years but it's not the worst job so I've stuck it out until I have a sense of direction of where I actually want to go. Tbh, just as a vent moment, my job wouldn't be so bad if corporate wasn't so strict and then in turn, we didn't have such high-expecting and can't-be-impressed managers.

Have you ever been fired? - No

How many times have you been pulled over by the cops? - Never! I'm so scared of this so I always drive the speed limit even if my mom is riding shot gun and telling me to stop driving like a grandma.

What is your mood like right now? - I feel really upbeat and content for a change.

Where did you go today? - I went out for a quick grocery stop at Co-Op and then about an hour ago I went out for a small walk with my mom around our neighborhood.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? - Not personally, but what a weird/great question

Do you cut the crusts off your sandwiches? - No

Do you prefer sweet or unsweetened tea? - I don't really drink tea but I love sweet things so probably sweet?

Who did you last embarrass yourself in front of? - Oh my god. I don't even want to relive this but I will for the sake of this survey. I had a zoom interview for an editing mentorship and she sent me the wrong email (which is kind of her fault) so I was worried that I had the time wrong so I joined and she was in the middle of another interview and I was so embarrassed and felt so bad. She was cool about it and took fault, but I'm also very blessed to have social anxiety so I, of course, replayed the moment over and over again in my mind and tortured myself with it for nine or ten hours. Maybe to anyone else it wasn't embarrassing, but I was humiliated and so flustered for my actual interview.

Would you rather meet the president or win $500 dollars from the lottery? - Money please.

What was the reason you last smiled? - Joking around with my mom and sister.

A Little About Your Friends List 8 Good Friends: - My guy, I can tell you right now that I don't have eight friends.

Mom

Jen (Sister)

Megan

Mikaela

--

--

--

--

1. Mom

Are you related to this person? - Yes

What did you do the last time you hung out? - We just talked, laughed, the usual.

Would you trust this person to keep a secret? - Yes and no. Yes because she's trustworthy, but I'd also expect her to most likely tell my grandma unless I explicitly asked her not to.

Who is this person dating? - Nobody.

Do you live in the same town? - Yes, and household.

2 Jen

Are you dating this person? - No but she's a catch

Would you consider this person attractive? - Yes

What is this person’s full name? - N/A

Is this person taller than you? - No

Do you go to the same school? - Yes until we graduated.

3 Megan

Is this person engaged? - No.

What color is this person’s hair? - It's like a light brown

Where does this person work? - She's a manager at a movie theatre

When did you last call this person? - We never call each other actually, but we text and for some reason we only text through snapchat???

Have you ever been drunk together? - No

4 Mikaela

What is this person likely doing right now? - Probably going to sleep. It's a tad late.

Does this person have any children? - No

How did you meet this person? - We met at work!

Have you ever had a crush on this person? - No

Where was the last place you went together? - We went out for coffee last week at Dose.

5

What is this person’s middle name?

Does this person like rap music? Has this person ever been arrested? Is this person older than you? When did you last see this person?

6

Have you ever met this person’s parents?. When is this person’s birthday? Is this person still in high school? What color are this person’s eyes? Do you work with this person?

7

Do you and this person share an ex?

Where was the last place you went to eat with this person?

What color is this person’s car? Can this person play the piano? Does this person like scary movies?

8

How long have you known this person?

Does this person have hair past their shoulders? Does this person have any tattoos? Have you ever kissed? Did you go to grade school with this person?

Finish the Sentence

My hair is: Blonde, but a bit greasy lol

I wish I was: already successful in my writing career, and content and happy.

The only thing I can’t stand: - Arrogant people. Literally would yeet them off the planet if I could. There is no way: - That Taylor Alison Swift released "evermore" her ninth studio album and then never spoke of it again. (Seriously never even sang one song live, not even on instagram or a clip on TikTok. Nothing.) Literally cannot believe the audacity.

Someday I am going to: - Sell many, many books that do really well and I go many, many unbelievable places in my career. (I'm manifesting)

I couldn’t live without: My mom (and Taylor Swift)

I hate when: - My job calls me on my day off

I love it when: - I have a day off.

Sometimes I can be: - Fatalistic oops.

I am not interested: - in politics.

#survey