#**idk if i’d still continue

[rosebathe]

How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM)

#never rlly got to finish himym and idk i might continue it coz idk where i left off and forgot it already lol #how i met your mother #himym #series #tv shows #quotes #movie scenes #robin scherbatsky #ted mosby #barney stinson #marshall eriksen #lily aldrin #sitcom #comedy drama #romantic comedy #**idk if i’d still continue

[melrosing]

cancer is really rough. it feels so horrible to watch a person you love struggle against there own body and also the world just... goes on. I'm sorry you're going through this. if it's any consolation a lot of people (myself included) have been where you are and we're all rooting for your dad and thinking of you <3

thank you anon I really appreciate it 🫂 going through moments in the day where I almost have it together and the rest is just bargaining w the air trying to reverse it all. im so sorry you’ve been here too it’s fucking agony and I hope things are better for you and your family now ❤️❤️

#ask #dad stuff #tbh bc of The Gene He Has I always knew I’d lose him to the Big C in the end #but it wasn’t supposed to be this one and it wasn’t supposed to be now!!!! #well idk I need to remind myself he’s still here and I don’t truly know how long treatment will continue #it’s incurable but you hear of people who control it for years and years so I’m just really really clinging to that #idk idk idk #thank you again and sorry to everyone that this is my blog rn!!! I so badly want to go back to thinking about fuckin asoiaf lol

[sammygender]

thinking about how one of the last things john ever tells dean is an admittance that the way he treated him was fucked. & of course this destroys dean and makes it so much harder for him to come to terms w his death right after and with his childhood in general bc he’s spent his entire life chasing after johns approval. he’s spent his entire life telling himself that the way he was treated was okay and justified and that their childhood was good because he could handle it and he was strong enough and that was how it had to be. he’s worshipped john as a hero and seen nothing wrong with any of it. because he’s had to. his entire life is built around this idea there’s nothing else. he’s his dads perfect soldier and punching bag and wife-replacement and suddenly his dads gone & he said he’s sorry and that he shouldn’t have treated dean that way. what the hell is he supposed to do now.

#augh. i don’t know i haven’t seen enough of this show yet but. #thinking about that episode with the abused kid who has psychic powers like sams and sam sees himslef in the kid a lot #but is horrified by the extent of the abuse and keeps saying like. Dean i never thought i’d say this but you’re right dad was pretty good i #guess we were really lucky to have him. it could’ve turned out a very different way. #and deans just like. idk there’s something about his face. like he wants to agree cause this is what he’s always saying but he Cant. #because. well. sams thinking about this kid with circumstances so similar to him who ended up entirely victimised by his father and #thinking Wow i had something that kid didn’t. i had MY dad who was so much better after all (despite kicking me out of the house and #always refusing to support me but wtv) #but really the thing sam had was DEAN. #dean as sam’s protector and john’s golden child and the adult of the family. dean as the person #john winchester comes home to after a hunt the person who tells him it’s okay #dean playing the part of his dead mom and still shielding sammy from the worst of their father and as a result internalising that this was #fine. #what the hell is he going to do now that his fathers dead? after his fathers dead and wrong and theoretically morally weak and admitted hed #raised dean badly? #IDK!!! i’m sure excited to see him continue to break down though #(have just finished s2e2 for future me ref) #supernatural #<- Sorry guys i’m batshit obsessed. #father by the front bottoms dean song of all time #spn #oliver talks

[pearlofmydreams]

Good news- I (kind of) understand how increases in crochet work now.

Bad news- we learn by doing and I have crocheted a slice of salami lol

#may i offer you a salami in these trying times #yes i have successfully made circles before but i wasn’t looking as closely at the pattern this time #and looking at it now i still don’t think i’d have gotten it until i went back to the video rip #ah well #this is semi secret so idk if i will frog it or continue to let it be a learning experiment

[blueish-bird]

hyperfixations are weird as hell; every time I see a representation of a particular interest i get a surge of dopamine that makes me want to sprint a mile while writing an incomprehensible-yet-poignant essay about how much I like said interest. except I can do neither of those things because I have to leave for work in 20 minutes.

#maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult to manage if capitalism wouldn’t bleed workers dry idk man #I kind of rly miss quarantine bc I actually had time and energy to devote to my hyperfixation #I made So Much Fanart for Promare it was insane #I tried all sorts of new art techniques. wrote some fanfic. came up with a bunch of aus. it was wild [pos] #I miss having that time and energy available to me #my thoughts #adhd #hyperfixations #in some ways I’m glad CSM doesn’t have as much merch and stuff in US stores because I’d go bananas #I’m not sure I’d have the capacity to mask over my excitement if I saw like. Angel merch. #still pissed there’s no official merch for him at all. but it’s a silver lining I guess. #fuck I’m so tired #fuck capitalism #‘workers need money in order to survive and stimulate the economy’ ‘can you give us more money then?’ ‘no’ #(imaginary convo between the embodiment of companies/the system of capitalism and workers) #except worker survival isn’t the important part ot capitalism. it’s whether workers can continue to be productive/exploited for profit. #:-/ #feeling. hungry. #meposting

[fexicoded]

+

#I feel like I’m getting to the stage of grief where thinking about angus’s death doesn’t hurt quite as much #and it does make me a bit mad and a tad scared #but also… I never knew him in real life but yet he was a constant ‘fixture’ in my life #and ill feel pain about his death and random things about him but it doesn’t hurt as much and idk… it hurts #I want to continue to be sad about his death but I know it’s fruitful to continue to do so due to the parasocial relationship issues #like today I kinda laughed reminiscing about the Sunday spottings and watching all them waiting to see if he’d show up and when he would #we’d all be like ohh that’s insane he’s famous enough to be part of the deuxmoi Sunday spottings #or the time my speculation about him and dru made for a blind about him #man… it’s still so hard to believe it’s been over a fucking month since he left earth #and yet i still vividly remember everything about that day and how that date will forever mare my future feelings #wish he was still here #anyways #just thought I’d update my grieving process incase others needed something or felt the same way and as a way to just give words to stuff #and like block me if you hate me now with my bs ramblings

[saturnsuv]

update <3

#in case anyone remembers the saga about the guy i’d been talking to for like a week then made out with then he promptly ghosted me despite #having given one of those ‘even if it doesnt work out i still want to be friends’ claims and all my additional choosing insanity over it #well. finally got one of my friends to go to the restaurant he works at with me #also keep in mind that that stuff happened in like november we literally havent spoken in months i am just choosing to continue being #insane bc i think i deserve to #anyway. so my friend and i go to the restaurant and unfortunately he isnt there #but before we leave i ask the waitress hey um do you happen to have a coworker named [redacted] #and she was like oh yeah is he a friend of yours? :) and my friend says no. and i say …. i know him #waitress can tell that i dont mean i know him in a good way too. she laughs and says it seems like theres a story here but she doesnt ask #anything further. instead she proceeds to tell me his fucking work schedule ajdjsjjfkf #she was like yeah he worked this morning he usually works thursday mornings then all weekend :) #so shes my new hero #idk if this guy has also gotten himself on bad terms with her or if she just knows what hes like or if she just understood the implication #of an irritated girl coming in asking after a guy bc she ‘knows him’ #but she rly understood the assignment. anyway im in love with her now <3 #OMG i almost forgot the best part. after telling me this she asks do you want me to give him a message and i saw yes i sure would. tell him #sam said hi :) #anyway i will be dragging my friend back there with me at the end of the month on a weekend to continue antagonizing this specific asshole #sam speaks

[philsmeatylegss]

Tw

#I’m ed relapsing but like in a subtle way and it’s just such a hopeless feelings when you’re aware #all of my relapses have been abrupt I’m not used to this slower kind #I really would do anything to not have a restrictive eating disorder #I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy #how much happiness I’ve missed out on and will continue to miss out on #genuinely do believe if my thighs were skinnier I’d be cured but my therapist says that’s just a symptom of my ED go off ig queen #yk it’s bad when i ghost ed tags #never interact ofc and usually report it #it’s such a fascinating thing to have an addiction to your own body #you can lock yourself away from drugs or booze or blades but you can’t fucking hide yourself from food and your fucking body #the abuse I’ve put my body through since I was 13 #sometimes I look at pictures of myself as a little girl and cry thinking about what I’ve done to her body #wow this is depressing lol #idk who needs to hear this but if you’re 13 and plan on ‘going anorexic for the summer’ #it doesn’t work that way you’ll still be going anorexic the summer of your 20s #serious buzzkill #tw eating disorder #rae’s rambles #delete later

[chipjrwibignaturals]

anyway! one of the jobs I applied and interviewed told me today they’re going w someone else which sucks but like. Ah well, it be like that sometimes.

#it was a bit above entry level anyway so it’s unlikely #plus it was management which Had at least one person under it and. unless that person is a Similar Age I doubt they’d want a 21yr old boss #still disappointing tho; it was in the location I’d prefer and a local library so like. LEAST evil capitalism skillset setting #plus I did two rounds of in depth interviews (including making a 7 page proposal + a program flyer for round 2) #but like again. oh well! not much I can do about it #I have an interview tomorrow w a different company and I’m gonna start around round of applications soon #the place tomorrow is more downtown + bit more ‘cog in the machine’ style but not bad! it’s like a business advisement company #w the position I’m looking at specifically regarding like. employee insurance and Benefits #PLUS it’s hybrid which is rlly nice. biggest downside tbh is that I would likely continue living at my parents place #(bc price of living here is. Bad. it would 1000% be the most affordable. if I moved out I’d likely need 1+ roommates) #but like. idk!! i just Want my own place. to rlly solidify that like yeah no I’m in a New Life Period. I’m an Adult Now #tldr I’m a bit disappointed and let down but. I’m not gonna let it get to me. shit happens n you did what you could n you move on!!!

[goldensunset]

auuuu i have to go to bed ;-;

#i figured that there’d be some huge plot point following the defeat of the last noble #so like #i knew i’d be getting to a point where Big Things Happened if i continued on for the night past this #and so it’s my own fault that i have to leave off on a cliffhanger for now #(truth is i didn’t know if i was getting to the end of the game or not lol #cuz idk how long pokémon games are. i figured there was more than this of course but i didn’t know HOW much more #i mean as of yet i still don’t know. but i’m thinking it’ll be a while. do not spoil btw don’t confirm how long it is) #peach plays legends arceus

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

love when media has something that enhances people’s fears to the point where they’re severely incapacitated and remembering some of the worst experiences of their life. that’s the representation i need

#thinking about the breakdown i had last year #the ones i have now are nowhere near as severe but idk they’re just interesting #ppl now r like ‘ur doing so much better!’ im not actually but thanks #my habits really haven’t changed from last year other than working at the rehab now but i continue to double mask with an n95 #ppl r like ‘yea but u go places now’ the rehab has replaced rowing for me so i actually don’t go to any more places than i already did #i still try to plan things around when i know people haven’t been going many places unmasked and i do have a constant fear of someone #transmitting covid so. i just don’t have two hour long breakdowns where someone has to force me into buildings and seeing people unmasked #makes me panic. but like. that’s as far as I’ve come and tbh as far as im comfortable going while this is still going around #im just better at hiding the constant panic now #i was thinking abt scarecrow’s fear gas and as much as i’d love to go ‘oh it wouldn’t affect me im built different’ #i would be taken down so fast it wouldn’t even be funny

[neutron-stars-collision]

Beginning to think this writing block ain’t going anywhere 🙃

#there’s just like no inspiration #null nada #I’ve still got vague idea of what I need to happen in the story but then I don’t actually feel excited to write it down like before #and idk what to do because now my one hobby is gone it seems #no matter if I try to write down new things or continue with WftN #neither gets me further than 1k of nonsense #so like I’ve no idea when there’ll be an update #or even if there’ll be one because it seems easier to just stop writing than force myself to do it #idk I’m sorry #know I’m one big disappointment for everyone #this just proves it #personal bs #I’d love to say that there’s hope but well…

[pussy-ache]

what if it was only surface level love? but did i ever want surface level? no, i never did, and i purposely looked deeper. wouldn’t it have been easier if it wasn’t genuine?

#but then what would i have learned? #what would i have gained from that? #would i still be in his life? #i can’t regret something that brought me that much fulfillment #i can rail and cry and continue to let it go day by day #but i can’t regret it. i can’t even pretend to. how do you regret something like that? it meant too much #i have to believe that any and all love being put out into the world and received is a good thing #returned is never a given and never something that’s owed. love shouldn’t be given only to be returned #it’s to be given freely. the more unconditional a love is the scarier it is. but somehow the more free you feel #that’s where the weightlessness comes it and it really is beautiful in its own way #besides. idk if i’d have the friendship i have today if i hadn’t taken the time to fall in love with him #i can’t blame kid me. she was so in love. i remember i’d stay up late to talk to him #and i’d fall asleep in between texts but i’d make sure my phone was positioned just right so that it would light up and wake me up #he helped me write some pretty beautiful poems that i still have memorized because i agonized over ever word i chose #as if i’d ever show them to him anyway. every stanza was so carefully composed #how could i be mad at her for loving someone that much? why should i be? i probably shouldn’t be that embarrassed either #it may be destined to be forever unrequited but sometimes i still feel like i got more love the way i have it now #then some people have in 50 year marriages #idk if i’m imagining that or projecting too much on it but thats how it feels sometimes #so what does it all mean in the end really? it’s all relative #no one tells you when you fall in love that the romantic version of love we’re sold is a lie #what falling in love really means is gradually accepting the growth of another person next to you #love is purely logical to me which i find ironic as it’s illogical at times to him #it’s just being quiet and observing patterns and behaviors. choosing to borrow instead of taking. #choosing to understand instead of holding onto anger #it’s the desire to plant roots next to someone purely to watch them grow and rest in their shade for a while #it’s all a choice. i did make a choice even if sometimes it feels like i got swept up and didn’t really choose #but i did. i chose my friendship with him every day. i could have walked away if i wanted to. i didn’t and i don’t and i doubt i ever will #i’d be losing too much and i know that #and it’s not like our friendship is unhealthy. he holds me accountable and has never bren afraid to challenge me. and i need more of that.

[imjustfallinlove]

we live on a mountain

right at the top

there’s a beautiful view

from the top of the mountain

every morning i walk

towards the edge

and throw little things off

like car parts and bottles and cutlery

whatever i find

lying around

it’s become a habit

a way to start the day

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

it’s early morning

no one is awake

i’m back at my cliff

throwing things off

i listen to the sounds they make

on their way down

i follow with my eyes

until they crash

i imagine what my body would sound like

slamming

against those rocks

and when it lands

will my eyes

be closed or open?

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

#to me this song has always been #about that part of yourself that is incapable of being happy #basically about depression #and how for me anyway #growing up as a girl #i always hoped that i’d meet someone who’d love me and that would just #fix everything #and the cruel realization that #depression does not work like that #improving your life can fix some problems but #if you have this sadness #sometimes it will still surface #even when everything is going ok and you’re otherwise happy with your situation or life #some days you will find yourself unwittingly standing at the edge of that cliff #peering down into that dark void #and wondering to yourself #if this pain will always be here #and if it will #then what’s the point continuing on #and doing what you have to do to remind yourself that things are good #and that these feelings are just feelings #and they will pass #realizing this while you’re peering over that edge is barely a comfort in the moment #but all it takes is a whisper of hope #to slowly draw you away from that edge #and bring you back into yourself and who you are and how you truly feel most of the time #idk i know a lot of people probably find these lyrics sad and disturbing #but as someone who’s lived with this depression my entire life #it feels hopeful #i feel like i can return from the cliff and be ‘safe again’

[the-travelling-witch]

A guide to making ur writer happy! *the simps from the obey me ocs and modern aus storming in*

BUT ITS TRUE WE DO WANT UR OCS AND THE MODREN BOYS TO HOLD US AND WE DO LOVE U AND UR WORK! THE WAY U WRITE IS SO <33333

yeah i wish everyone could just take a minute to commit this to memory!! it might not feel like much to readers but for us writers it really does make a difference to hear some nice words instead of just seeing a heart notif that tells us nothing

also, things like being shy or not wanting to ruin your blog aesthetic or whatever are just very flimsy defences imo, bc you can either make a side blog, comment or send an anon ask, so yeah, that’s how i see it

anyway, i literally can’t complain about the modern au and oc simps bc they are the most vocal and interactive when it comes to asks and engagement in general; sure there’s a lot more modern au hype but that’s to be expected considering the ocs are well… ocs

also THANK YOU, I’M REALLY TRYING!!

#┊✩彡 divine correspondence ♡ #┊✩彡 unsigned letter ♡ #ngl #idk if i’d still be sharing my work if it wasn’t for the positive feedback on the modern au #since meaningful interactions have become pretty scarce overall #and i’m not the only writer feeling it #but the interactions really helped me regain motivation to continue sharing my writing #so i think it’s good to be vocal about how much positive feedback or the lack thereof affects us #because readers *can* influence if their favourite writer continues to post or logs off a final time