#10 to 12 hr days 6 days a week

[kawaiijellymonster]

I have too much time this summer, exhibit: the amount of anime I've watched in the last couple of weeks

#last summer I was working 9 hour days 4 days a week and 4 hours the fifth day then spent the days off recovering #now im working 6 hours 5-6 days a week with two jobs and one of them is super chill so it doesnt feel like working #so i have so much time before and after work i dont really need to recover on my day off #and my hometown is rural af so i get to stay at home all day doing chores/watching tv #which is anxiety inducing bc im like...financial stability??? do I get that with my current schedule??? who fuckin knows? #i thought so but also everything is a mess rn so.... #bc im supposed to be working 18 hrs at my internship. 12-18 hours at my coffee shop job and then 10 hrs doing admin stuff for campus job #which should be 40+hrs a week but the admin job is doing funky stuff so I cant put in time which is not a vibe #this all to say: i watched all of tower of god today and yesterday I spent 2 hours learning how to skateboard

[asapart]

Help Support my BPS Classroom!

Please help me by filling up my empty classroom with supplies, books and games. After a decade of teaching I moved back to the Boston Area and in the move donated everything I had at the time to the schools and kids in the area. Now that I’m back in a classroom in this fun late-stage capitalist hellscape I am back into an empty classroom full of needs...and even after spending over $200 in the first week, the classroom is still largely empty. Please support in any way you can, even if it’s just sharing! Amazon Classroom Supplies List: Amazon Classroom Book List: TPT fundraising:

FAQ Below

It’s summer WTH?: Yeah, it’s summer! But fun fact, most kids are 1-2 years behind academically after the pandemic (awesome) so therefore more and more programs are running summer school. My program is part of BPS (Boston Public Schools) and focuses on ESL and Math for 2 hrs a day, with art, STEM, and Nature programs coming in the rest of the time to expose them to more things. However we are just in random classrooms in random schools in Boston, and have very limited supplies... What’s your class like: Chaotic Fun. They are 12 kids aged 9-11, half of whom are ELL, a third on IEPS, and all living around or below the poverty line. They love art, hate math (except for 2), and are neutral on ELA (depends on what we’re doing). I have 2 who cannot read at all, and 1 who reads at a 7th grade level. Most of them would be quite happy if I just always let them play with supplies rather than actually use them in any academic sense. You know, typical kids. What supplies do you have?: Upon arrival I was given 1 pack of 25 pencils, 6 packs of 10 markers, 1 ream of colored paper, Popsicle sticks, graphing paper, measuring tape(?), tissues and lysol, and two board games...Basically, what was donated to the program. Here’s a photo.

If it’s a summer program what will you do with the supplies after the summer?: Pencils, markers, crayons, notebooks...that stuff I’ll give to the kids at the end. Extra larger supplies I’ll give to the program if they want them (they run after school programs during the year) or keep for the work I do during the school year (intervention work and contracted tutoring) What if i just want to give you money? What if things are too expensive? For legal reasons, classroom aren’t allowed to ask for just money. That’s why we do supply lists instead, or raise funds for something specific (the TPT fundraiser). We are allowed to get gift cards though, so that is why they are on the amazon list. If there is is something else you’d want to donate, please ask! I have another question. Ask me!

#fundraiser #fundraise #boost #school #education #boston #classroom supplies #donate #donation #help

[fuck-customers]

Not a fuck customers, but more of a “wow boomers really don’t get how bad it is out here”- My mom recently left an abusive relationship with my stepdad. He was making $200k a year and controlled her financially, so she hasn’t had a real job since 2005

I’ve been trying to help her get a job. I called in some favors with some friends and got her a volunteer position (so unpaid) in a charity shop until she can find a paying job, and she never showed up for it. I said she needed work experience if she wanted to get hired anywhere. She said something like “If my only work history is working for free then my future employer will assume they can mistreat and underpay me. Besides, I don’t want to work minimum wage. How hard can it be to get a job at a company?”

Without any diplomas or work history or references? Extremely fucking hard, it turns out. Everyday she takes my car out and hand delivers her resume (a single sheet of paper listing a company she worked for in 2005 that doesn’t exist anymore) to offices around town, then goes in person to places she went days before to ask why they haven’t gotten back to her yet.

I tried explaining to her most places don’t even do hiring in person anymore, it’s all done online. I tried explaining they’re definitely not gonna hire her if she harasses them, she says she’s just showing “persistence and can do attitude”. I glanced at her resume the other day, and half the words were misspelled. She said her employers wouldn’t care about typos, just hard work.

I just…. can’t seem to get her to understand how much the world has changed. She’s still claiming I can do better than $13/hr at (Fast Food place), and I try to explain to her $13/hr is high for our area and I’m actually lucky, but she says I’m just lazy and unmotivated. Even though she’s been staying with me and knows I work 6 days a week, sometimes 10-12 hr days, and I always come home sore and exhausted.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[kanmom51]

JM live 15 June 2023 20:46 or 8:46pm KST

cr./to the creators of the media used in this post.

*Disclaimer: I hate Tumblr and it's stupid ass image limit. My personal feeling about this post is that it's lacking, but I guess c'est la vie, did the best under the circumstances (at least that's what I'll keep telling myself).

Guess what?

We already saw the pattern with JK, but is it possible that JM is joining in on the it? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

I won't be talking about every single thing that came up in JM's 1 hr. and 20 min. live. What I will do is touch on a few of the interesting things that happened during the live (well, what I found interesting at least), and what followed the live as well. Because JM didn't just show and dip. He wanted to take up home in his pocket, although he did think that over 7 million at his place might be too much, maybe if it was half of that it would be ok, lol. But we know JM, for reals, he wouldn't do a live at home, so he did the second best thing, which was to come back to us with posts and comments on Weverse.

Anyways, what did we have in the live?

JM talked about the 10 year anniversary a bit. Telling us he's not really that excited, but the biggest emotion he's feeling is fun. I get the not feeling excited. He also explains why. I'm happy that he felt it fun, I can't help but think that it was a bit of a bitter sweet celebration for them. He touched, not touched on it, when he mentioned the two members in the army at the moment.

JM tells us what he's up to lately, his daily schedule, more or less.

He's asked if he's working on a song, and JM like JM answers this:

He later gives us a little more detail: he's been working out and eating healthy and working on some music and living well. Once a week he allows himself to rest.

The question I ask is if JK allows him to rest too? Lol, nah. I guess that's the day they take off to visit Bammie. Ehm... we do have the scratch to prove it...

Jokes aside, JM talks about how it's good for him to have a set schedule and be at work. For him and JK both (that's me talking not JM). And seeing that RM kind of spilled the tea, we can guess that the workouts are probably, at least some of the time, together with JK.

At the 10:40 mark approx. Tae shows up in the comments.

JM, the kind of sassy and a true Slytherin that he is tells Tae, he will if Tae continues to comment for the whole time.

Well, I guess that was the end of it for Tae, lol.

Fuck people for calling him chubby in the comments. I hate this obsession with his weight, but even more so I hate people sitting at home on their asses and calling this 1.73 meter tall man that weighs 62.5 kg after putting on over 4 kg to get there, chubby. Like wtf? Man is skinny. And minus those 4 kgs he was fucking too skinny. Do they want him to starve himself? Do they not remember the issues he had in the past with his weight (issues which always linger even if you are "eating healthy" as he put it)?

Ok, so at around 14:55 min. JM's asked for the first time about the rainy day fight. When watching live, I kind of thought he was evading the question, but him answering the question later on, I tend to believe that maybe he just misunderstood the question at that point.

JM talks about sleep and R.E.M and how when you dream your mind is active and you don't really get deep sleep, and watching a video about it. I find it kind of funny and coincidental - NOT - that JK seems to have said practically the same things using similar wording in his live as well.

But no, they definitely aren't spending time together.

JM tells us he went to sleep at 6 am, woke up at 12 pm, made himself some chicken breast to eat and went back to sleep. Sound familiar anyone?

Sleep patterns. Chicken breast for lunch.

But no, they definitley aren't spending time together.

JM is asked to do the live all night.

He wants to sleep early.

Funny how that didn't work out for him... I guess someone was staying up to be able to speak with that very special person that happened to be in LA and would be waking up just as JM was supposed to go to sleep?

Slept at 12 and woke up at 8, ate at 12 pm, rest and go to workout at 2:30 pm approx., start working at 5 pm, at night he studied English. Ehm...didn't somebody else just let us know, repeatedly, that he's working hard on his English?

From his 5 June live:

Nah, I guess just another coincidence.

What I'm finding interesting is if JM is done with his promotions and it's off to the army any time now, why would he be working on his English?

Oh how I do hope that this is for something in the pipelines that involves the two of them TOGETHER!!!

Well, it is hard to break a sleeping pattern that has been with you for years and years. We all know of JM and JK's late night/early morning escapades. All night buddies that they are.

Rainy day fight, JM's version:

So this time around JM understands the comment asking about the rainy day fight and gives us his version of it.

Of course we got JM's JK smile.

He does tell us he's giving us an edited version of it. JK, on the other hand, edited without telling us, lol. Both said a lot about the what happened before and after, but magically didn't mention exactly what was said at the moment by JK to anger JM so so much for him to react the way he did.

Anyway, we got is the story from JM's pov. And yes, there are some differences, but I wouldn't expect otherwise. 2 people, 2 povs. No 2 stories would ever be exactly the same.

The main discrepancy I found was the timeline. JK's being when they were trainees, and JM's all over the place but still later on (2014-15). Idk, I'm gonna side with JK on this one, lol. Like I mentioned in the post about JK's live, I feel like this fight was way more impactful for JK than it was for JM. And as such it's more etched on his brain than it is for JM.

Something I found interesting was how each of them was keen to take responsibility for the fight. JK blaming himself for how he behaved and what he said, and JM the same.

What I also found interesting and very much not surprising is how this fandom roles. JK taking blame for the fight = "oh poor baby bunny JK, how big of him to take the blame"; JM taking blame fir the fight = "omg, how mean is JM picking on baby bunny JK, being so mean to him, ugh we hate JM."

Did I mention how there are some parts of this fandom that I absolutely despise?

One thing they both corroborated was the state of JK's eyes the morning after, lol.

Both JM and JK were happy giggly while telling the story.

A fight that definitley left it's mark of them both but also something to reminisce back on fondly.

Something else we learnt from JM's live was that he most definitely watched JK's live. He watched JK tell us about the rainy day fight and he also found JK's impersonation of G-Dragon very funny.

When is your next album coming JM?

Listening to army love letter

JM was truly moved by this.

Did JK cook Ramen for you?

JM averting eyes away from camera and moving on at the speed of light to..."oh angel pt. 2 came out today..."

There are 1001 options to why not yet. I'm not going to even start going there, because it's irrelevant and unimportant.

What I do know is JM chose to answer that comment but a. unlike the other comments that had to do with JK which he did answer, this one answer didn't come with a JK or jungkookie attached to it. It was short and he was done with it, and b. the way he looked away from the camera while saying it and repeating it once before just changing the subject was just so sus and felt like overcompensating.

Of course there are those that jumped at it like the dead feeders that they are. This must mean that they haven't seen each other. That JM isn't important to JK, etc. etc.

Funny how JM and JK don't see each other but are eating the same things for lunch, like Chicken breast and rice… or how they aren't seeing each other but JM somehow, magically, adjusted JK's mood lamp at JK's place…telepathy and telekinesis I guess. Oh, and did we discuss the sleeping patterns yet or the fact that they both happened to bring up the science mambo jumbo about sleep and dreams, almost word for word? But nope. They definitley aren't seeing each other and definitley aren't close. Also, for someone that is distanced they sure seem to be keeping up with each others lives. JM must be really bored to be sitting down and watching JK's long ass lives.

Moving on.

JM, being the king of evading answering whatever he doesn't want to answer, reads out comments asking about travel and tattoos, and decides those are topics he does not deem answer worthy, lol.

Do I talk about the goldfish lips? Nah, I don't wanna. Go watch!

Mashimaro

And this is JK way back in 2015 already.

JM assuming the position

So after saying he should do the next live lying down, cheeky thing that he is decided he's taking JK's sleeping live and raising him one, by taking us all home with him in his pocket, lol.

Although he took it all back. Yeah yeah, excuses excuses. So he can't fit 7 million into his place. Boo hoo. 3.5 million he can but 7 he can't. I do not accept such a cop out.

And then he was done, well more or less. Hungry, asking us for recommendations for food, and tired, he says his goodbyes and turns the live off.

But that wasn't the end of it. Nope.

Remember JM said he'd update us when he got home?

Well, he did. He came back to update us time after time after time.

And a comment too

Oh, and the next day as well.

Also interesting how that 5 and 8 found their way time after time into JM's posts and/or comments. 58 that happens to represent JK time after time.

At the end of the day what did we get from the live?

We got the rainy day fight - JM's perspective (muddled up timeline though, but I forgive him, getting old does make you forgetful, lol).

We got JM tell us he has seen JK's live, the one with him telling us his side of the rainy day fight and doing his G-Dragon impersonation, and I think we can assume he saw the sleeping live too.

I can't help but wonder if JM was reprimanded for commenting on JKs previous lives (you know with the shrimp, not really shrimp, comment and let me tie your hair), or perhaps he's just laying there enjoying watching his bf crush on him live.

We had JM call army and their comments cute. Funny, huh? How JK did that too?

Kind of interesting how the two seem to be saying the same things (the cute and the sleep talk), acting the same way, eating the same things.

I was going to add a clip and link here to JK's chicken breast eating tales, him cooking chicken breast with rice, him talking about eating chicken breast for lunch. Him eating healthy now days. Sounds familiar does it? JM talking about eating chicken breast for lunch, about eating chicken breast with rice. About eating healthy lately...

But damn Tumblr won't allow me. So you guys will either have to take my word for it (please don't), or go looking. You will see I am right...

For fun I will just leave you here with this:

Cause why not end this with an ear to ear smile on our faces?

#Jimin #JM #JM live #Jikook #Kookmin #Minkook #Jungkook #JK

[fizzyxcustard]

Covert Eyes (24)

Prologue| Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6| Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23

Masterlist of fan fiction

Fandom: Spooks

Pairings: Lucas North x OC (Amy Holland)

Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, angst, smut, heartbreak, gunshot wounds and recovery, abduction, hostage situation.

Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Amy is now working for MI-5, after being recruited by Ros. But will her involvement with Lucas cause even more problems and heartbreak?

When Amy's parents get involved, how will things pan out for Amy and Lucas?

Official soundtrack list:  here

Comments/Notes: If you wish to be tagged in any of my tag lists for fics or characters, please let me know, and stipulate what you want to be tagged in.

This fic does have an ending in sight...finally. :)

Feedback, comments and suggestions are always very valuable. My messages and ask box (including anons!) are open.

It had been a month now since Amy had returned to Coventry, and every day felt listless and lifeless. She’d had long conversations with Ros, who was technically her direct manager and would have been in charge of all HR work. Amy had explained everything and had been met with the words, “We can’t keep the position open for you for long. You’ll need to make a definite decision on this. You’ve been compromised in a serious way.” It all felt like it was her direct fault, the more that Amy mused on it. 

Amy’s brother in law had been kind enough to do a run to the flat back in London, taking a rental van, to pick up her belongings. Matt had been told what to pick up and Lucas had made himself scarce ahead of the visit after Amy’s notice. 

After Amy’s departure from the flat, she had not spoken with Lucas at all. The only communication had been through texts, and this was to organise Matt’s arrival for her belongings. Lucas had agreed to keep the tenancy of the flat in just his name. 

Furniture remained behind. But all of Amy’s personal items such as remainder of clothing, her television set and DVD player, books, ornaments and even some of her cooking utensils and crockery, came back to Coventry. The majority of it was now back in her old room. The guest bed that she had shared with Lucas over new year was now her bed, and opposite it on a small bookcase was her Samsung flatscreen television. 

The last month had been a whirlwind of feeling depressed, numb, anxious and angry. Most of her dreams were her sitting in a dark room, trying to scream, but no sound came. She often woke with a tension headache, and ibuprofen had become a friend of late. 

However, as Amy entered the fifth week of being with her parents, she noticed that her period was late. Normally she had been like clockwork, always being on time and maintaining the same number of days for the period portion of her cycle. Maybe the stress of all the recent upheaval had caused it? She was sure she had heard that before, that stress and anxiety could mess with menstrual cycles. Just to be sure, Amy made her way into town one morning. Partly she needed to get out of the house and breathe. Ever since being home, her parents had been overly generous with her and kept treating her like she was a child again, and it was beginning to make her uncomfortable. 

She used up all three tests, and all of them came back positive. Amy was pregnant. 

The realisation didn’t hit her immediately, and she sat with the thought for a couple of days, trying to comprehend what was happening. Finally, two days after finding out, she approached her mum. It was an overcast Saturday morning, and her mum was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee. 

“Do you want me to get you a drink?” Sharon asked. 

“No. I…um…I need to talk to you about something.” Amy sat down opposite her mum and as soon as she looked into Sharon’s dark gaze, she broke down into tears. 

“Love,” Sharon cooed. She grabbed Amy’s hand from across the table. “You’ll get through this, darling. You’ll heal, I promise.” 

“I’m pregnant.” 

The words were like lead, heavy. Sharon was stunned, rendered rigid in her seat. “A…Are you sure?” 

“I took three tests and they all came back positive. I was on the pill, but you know they reckon it’s not one hundred per cent effective. But…I’ve wanted a baby for a while now. It’s just….why now? I need to tell Lucas.” 

Sharon’s eyebrows furrowed. “Amy, you need to keep as far away from him as possible.” 

“He has every right to know, Mum. I’m not going to keep him in the dark about it, and if he wants to visit…”

“No, Amy. I’m putting my foot down there. Before we know for absolute certainty that you’re pregnant, as tests can sometimes be wrong, say that you are…If you let him have any contact, think of the risk. I know you love him, but you need to let him go and make a life of your own with the baby.” 

Amy wept at the table, feeling so utterly consumed by sadness, frustration and confusion. “When will you and Dad let me have any control back?” she muttered. “You made me leave Lucas and now won’t let him have anything to do with his own child. When will you both allow me to actually make a decision for myself?” 

A flash of anger passed across Sharon’s face. “I know you, Amy. No one knows someone better than their own mother. You are besotted with that man. I don’t know what kind of hold he had over you…”

“Hold?” Amy asked, her eyebrows knotting. “He had no hold over me. He’s the only man I’ve ever truly been in love with.” 

“And you’ll find someone else.” 

“Mum, I can’t carry on with this conversation because I’ll say something I regret,” Amy spat. She got up and shoved her seat back, the wooden legs screeching across the flooring. Amy stormed to the doorway and then turned back, glaring at her mum. “Imagine being rock bottom, and you feel like no one would ever look at you twice. You know you’re not beautiful and there’s very little about you that a man would want, but somehow one man sees you. I mean he really bloody seesyou. And he finally helps you to see that maybe you’re not as bad as you always thought; he helps you to actually feel loved. Would you want to throw that away?” 

Sharon remained quiet, feeling a lump rise in her throat at Amy’s words. Of course she knew that Amy felt that way. She had seen it; the pain on Amy’s face, the loneliness in her posture, the desperation for love in her eyes. Sharon had felt all of that, too. 

***

Lucas was at work, sat at Amy’s desk when he heard his phone ring. Amy’s number flashed across the screen and immediately a whole array of emotions that he couldn’t fathom seemed to spread through his chest. His hand began to shake and he accepted the call, whispering her name. 

“Lucas. I’m sorry for bothering you. I wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important,” she said. 

Her voice wrapped around him, holding him so snug.

“Are you alright?” Lucas asked, immediately concerned for her wellbeing. 

“I need to tell you something, and maybe it’s best we meet in person. Mum won’t like it, but I don’t care anymore. I’m sick of both of them telling me what to do…”

“Amy they’re keeping you safe. They’re not telling you what to do.” 

“Why are you siding with them? Am I that bad that you’d happily just see me leave and we never…”

“Amy, for fuck sake,” Lucas growled. “I am not going over this with you again.” 

“Okay, I’m pregnant. There you go! Happy? I’ll go and you never have to hear from me again.”

“Amy? Fuck….Amy?” 

The line dropped. 

Lucas’ head was spinning. He dashed out of the main office space and into a hallway, feeling heat rise high in his head. His heart was thundering so hard in his chest and he paced the same ten feet of hallway as he tried to call Amy again, but each time it just rang out and then went to her voicemail. 

Up in Coventry, Amy grabbed her handbag and stormed out of the house. She tried so desperately hard not to break into tears, but it was too much, and she sobbed in the middle of the street. With her back against a tree, Amy bent her knees and hung her head, sobbing. 

“Are you alright, dear?” a kind old lady asked, who was staggering past on a walking stick, while walking her small dog. 

Amy looked at the kind lady through tears and nodded her head. The lady’s dog, a little black and white Jack Russell terrier sniffed Amy’s feet, its tail wagging in curiosity and excitement. Amy extended her arm down and stroked the dog, while smiling. 

“See? He always has that reaction with people. He made you smile.” 

Amy finally gathered the small slither of strength inside her and continued walking, passing one last smile to the dog and his kind owner. Trudging up the street, Amy pushed the tears away and head towards the small bakery and café which was on the corner of a small backstreet which joined on to the main high street. 

The café was quiet, with the only sound being a radio playing from somewhere in the back room. Amy ordered herself a chai latte and a piece of lemon drizzle cake, then sat at the very back of the café, slipping out of sight. 

On her phone, Amy found ten missed calls from Lucas, and three text messages. With a sigh and a sudden snap of her frayed self-control, she called him back. 

“Aim, listen to me,” he begged frantically. “Please, angel.” 

Hearing him call her ‘angel’ brought forward those horrible tears again. 

“Why do you keep thinking I’m pushing you away because I want to? That’s the furthest thing from the truth. But a baby? Are you sure you’re pregnant?” 

“I took three tests and they all showed positive. Lucas, we need to be together. I can’t be a mum without you. Don’t make me do this alone, please. I need you.” 

“I know, angel.” He sighed loudly down the line. “Your parents won’t let me near you and the baby, we know that. And they have good reason.” 

“This is our future. Not theirs.” 

“I can’t risk the pair of you. I can’t.”

“So what are you saying? You’re abandoning me? You’re going to make me go to every scan on my own, bloat to the size of a whale and then give birth in agony, all on my own? Fucking hell, Lucas, I thought you were more of a man than that.” Amy was seething at his attitude. “You’re going to make me be a single mother?”

“Don’t you think I know what I’m saying, Aim?” Lucas growled. “Don’t you think I know that by doing this I’m making you go through it alone? But making you go through it alone will make sure you at least go through it and get out the other side alive.” 

“I hate you, Lucas. I never thought you’d be this fucking cold!” 

A lady with a severe bob placed Amy’s drink and cake down on the table, her eyes wide upon hearing her customer’s side of the conversation. 

“All anyone does in my life is control me, and I’m sick of it. You’ve made the decision that we can’t be together without even considering me at all. My parents have got me back at home, treating me like a pathetic child. No one will let me stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions.” 

“Because this is putting your life at risk, and now a child’s,” Lucas spat. “What kind of a man would I be to just let all these things keep happening to you? You’ve already been shot and taken hostage because of me and being connected to me.”

“And now you have a baby, Lucas. You don’t get to just walk away from that. I am not putting ‘father unknown’ on my baby’s birth certificate. I refuse to do that.”

“I’ll make sure you have enough money…”

“It’s not about the fucking money, Lucas!” Amy cried out. “I need you in my life. The baby needs you. Can’t you see that? I grew up with a dad, and I thank God every day for that. I can’t let my baby not have a dad. Lucas…” Amy began to weep. “I can’t carry on without you. Please. I still wear my engagement ring because I can’t face that this is over. It can’t be. Sarah and Simon got what they wanted: revenge. They wanted us apart, and they got that. They can’t hurt us any more than they already have.” 

“Angel, we can’t.” Lucas voice was quiet but firm. “You have your family who’ll look after you. I’ll come to the scans and birth, but we can’t be together again.” 

“Fuck you, then. Keep away. I’ll do this alone.” 

Amy threw her phone down on the table and sobbed. 

The lady who had served Amy looked on confused. “A…are you alright?” she asked. 

***

Lucas sat with his head in his hands a short while later, gaining the attention of Ros who came onto the main floor. She approached him and perched on the edge of the desk. “What’s going on?” she asked, folding her arms. 

With a sigh, Lucas rubbed his mouth with his hand and looked up at Ros. “Amy’s pregnant. I can’t put them at risk, no matter how much I want to be with her and raise the baby. I don’t think she realises how much danger I’ve put her in.” 

“She does. Don’t underestimate her, Lucas. In the little time I’ve known her, I can see that in her. And can I be frank with you? I think you see her as immature to a degree, but she’s got a wise head on her shoulders. Far more than you know.” At that, Ros was staring straight at Lucas. Her gaze was piercing. “You’re like a lot of others in her life and you’ve taken advantage of her people pleasing nature, but when she kicks back, you see her as immature and not knowing what she wants.” 

“No…”

“Yes. I’ve been in this job long enough now to know how people work. She’s let you take control for the entirety of the relationship and now she’s trying to do something for herself, you judge her as not knowing what she wants. You did it when we recruited her.” 

“But she did do what she wanted in the end,” Lucas argued. 

“With a little input from me, to try and help her make the right decision for her. Stop telling her what’s best, and let her make up her own mind.” 

Ros disappeared into a side office and picked up her mobile, calling Amy. 

“Hello, Ros,” Amy said softly. Then sniffed. 

Ros immediately knew that Amy had been crying. “Is now a good time to talk?” 

“Yes. I’ve just got home and I’m in my room out the way of anyone overhearing me.” 

“How are you doing?” 

“I’d be a complete liar if I said I’m doing well. I’m guessing you’re calling me because Lucas told you I’m pregnant.”

“You’re very perceptive,” Ros chuckled. “Yes, he told me. I believe congratulations are in order, despite the circumstances.” 

“Thank you. I’m still considering the position, Ros. It’d be unfair of me to come back and then leave again. Maybe now that a baby is on the horizon, it’d be best for me to re-consider any future with MI5.” 

“Don’t make a rash decision now. I know I said we can’t keep the position open, but there is the option of maternity leave and pulling that forward so you take leave earlier. Your role would only ever be analysis, so please don’t be concerned that field work might be something you’d have to do. Maybe we could have a face to face meeting in the next week or two. I can come and meet you so you won’t see Lucas.” 

“How is he?” 

“Quiet, although flies off the handle easily at times. Doesn’t like to be challenged. He misses you, Amy. He even sits at your desk and uses your mug.” 

“I miss him, too,” Amy whispered. “I wish he’d let me come back.” 

“Amy, you can come back. Your parents and Lucas don’t own you; you’re your own person. I know why he’s doing this, but he needs to give you control.” 

“Everyone treats me like a child.” 

Ros sighed. “I’ve noticed.” 

***

Follow Forever tag list: @lathalea @middleearthpixie @xxbyimm @meganlpie @linasofia @knittastically @asgardianhobbit98 @rachel1959 @luna-redamancy @mrsdurin @quiall321 @missihart23 @lemond57 @evenstaredits @catthefearless @glassgulls @sazzlep @court-jobi @heilith @albionscastle @for-fuck-sake-im-alive @absentmindeduniverse @bookworm-with-coffee @danzalladaggers @ourlonelymountain @phantomessangel @estethell @windb3ll @protosslady

#Lucas North #Spooks #MI5 #Fanfiction #Richard Armitage #Lucas North x OC #Lucas North x OFC

[f-my-ed-17]

Update: my scale must have been broken or something because my weigh-in this morning I was almost 9lbs down!

Gw for 02/25 - 116 lbs

Gw for 02/27 - 113 lbs

Gw for 03/02 - 110 lbs

Also, the rules for this year I’ve been really bad at following, but I will follow them absolutely to a T these next few weeks. These are them.

1. No eating before 10am or after 7 pm

2. Only eat in front of others

3. Weigh-in every morning

4. Body measurements every Sunday and at the end of each long fast

5. Cardio at least 3hrs a week. Abs at least 30 min 2x a week

6. 150 sit ups, 5 push ups, 25 crunches per day and walk at least 1.5 miles daily

7. 2x per month Metab day 1200-1500 cals

8. Never go to bed over cal limit.

9. Fast at least 15 hrs each day

10. Must be under a Gw for at least 10 days before doing reward.

11. Must watch 1 ED movie/show per week

12. Post daily thinspo

13. Close rings every day.

#f my mind #f-my-mind

[loveandthings11]

How Deep My Love Goes, Chapter 13

Read on AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11 Ch 12

Very Tall Somethings

Fic Summary: A Kenrava-focused fix-it alongside canon 💗

Chapter Summary: Hunting and Safe Room, redone. Or, the story of Kendall and Rava's chaotic Christmas week. Kendall tries different tactics to get Logan to agree to save Vaulter while trying to stay apprised of goings-on within the company from afar. Rava is terrified when an active shooter situation hits Waystar with Kendall inside. The incident causes Kendall to struggle with his past demons and to try to reconnect with Shiv. Kendall and Rava exchange Christmas gifts and see how much they mean to each other.

On December twentieth, Kendall lies on the couch in the great room and stares up at the ceiling.

“I-I mean, he didn’t mean that, right?” he asks for the fourth time since his call with Logan yesterday. “That was nothing? He wasn’t really offering it to me when I turned it down. Was he?”

“Mind games…” Rava says absentmindedly as she turns the page of her book in a nearby chair.

“Yes, mind games! Fucking- manipulation, yeah? He’s always done shit like that. What- what do I even do with that?”

She can feel his chaotic energy.

“Have you considered calling HR?” Rava says drily.

“Uh-huh. Okay. They’re all at the fucking corporate retreat in Hungary doing God-knows-what with the company-“ he looks at her eyes running across the page. He’s more stressed by the day not to be able to attend any management meetings right now and it couldn’t be clearer that she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. “Whatever. I need sunflower seeds.” He gets up and goes to pace in the kitchen as he pours the bag into his mouth.

She tries not to look at him while he’s doing it because she knows what that means. He walks back and forth and looks around.

“You know what? I’m gonna be in the gym,” he says as he walks down the hall toward it.

“Twice in one morning?” Rava asks.

“That was floor stuff, weights. Now it’s cardio. Why, you don’t want me too ripped?” She lets him turn the substitute addictions into a joke. Whatever works.

“No,” she laughs. “Go get ripped. That’s…. great.”

“You laugh now,” he says. “You’re not gonna be ready.”

“Oh, I’ll be ready,” she nods sarcastically. “You should go back to drawing, or music. You used to do more art.”

“Uh- yeah. I did. I should. Just- yeah, I’m going to work out right now.”

He flashes her a smile and walks away. When he comes back in the room she looks over his ever-so-slightly mussed hair. He locks eyes with her.

“Yeah?”

She raises her eyebrows and tilts her head to the side as she chuckles. It doesn’t look like he was going too crazy with the workout, but she does like what she’s seeing. She notices a grey smudge on his hand and nods at it.

"What is that?" she asks. He looks down at it.

"Oh, it's nothing. From the treadmill I guess."

“Okay... well, you are looking good.”

“Feeling good,” he says. But he sounds like he’s trying to reassure himself. “I haven’t heard from Roman in a couple days,” he says.

“Well, there’s probably not much privacy in jail- I’m sorry, the retreat. I always get those mixed up,” she returns.

“Right.” He heads to the shower and, after fifteen minutes, enters the room and starts pacing again. She looks up from her book.

“You’re making me nervous. Come sit down!” He goes to sit down next to her and she watches his foot bounce.

“I’m gonna text him again,” Kendall says with worry in his voice. He types out a message.

Rome. You gotta give me something, man.

He taps his fingers on Rava’s thigh as he looks at the screen. After a couple of minutes, Roman sends a text with a news screenshot and accompanying message.

Preview of an article Karolina sent us. Merry fucking whatever. You’d better not forget this.

Kendall looks at the screenshotted headline and gives a little smile at his screen.

Waystar Royco subsidiary Vaulter lives to fight another day; President Lawrence Yee stays in role under embattled Waystar CEO Logan Roy’s leadership.

“Roman saved Vaulter,” he says out loud in disbelief. “I’ve seen this kind of thing, though. It’s just a temporary extension for now, but it’s a start.”

Rava smiles.

“Good Christmas present,” she replies. “Speaking of which, it’s about time to do the finishing touches on the tree now that you can breathe again. Only a few days til Christmas! You know the kids are going to be ready for holiday stuff.”

“Yeah, for sure.” He pauses a second. “I feel kinda fuckin’… bad that we’re not going to my mom’s. She always wants us to go and Shiv would never do it, but Roman wanted to too. Maybe next year? Or can we- could we go see her next month or something? I just- you know, things were actually good with us at the wedding. It was kind of weird. But, yeah, good.”

“Yeah. Sure, we can go see your mom. Whenever you want.”

Kendall nods and gets up to go to the kids’ rooms to coax them out with promises of hot chocolate and ornaments as Rava looks through the boxes of decorations the staff had been taking out earlier to find the last bits of tree decor. Kendall and Rava have always done this part themselves.

Rava shows Kendall a ceramic ornament they’d bought at a Christmas market in Belgium in one of their first holiday seasons together. The little red frame says Merry Christmas in green and features a sweet picture of 24-year old Kendall and Rava with big smiles on their pink faces pressed together. Kendall’s first Christmas free of his family had been one for the books.

Kendall looks at it and wordlessly returns her look of love. He takes his phone from the glass coffee table and walks the few steps over to her, bending down to her and putting his cheek on hers before taking a quick picture of them smiling once more. Rava nods at the picture and gives him a grin.

“We’ll get a new one made to match,” he says.

“Love that,” she says.

…..

On December twenty-first, Roman calls Kendall.

“Hey, fuckface,” Roman starts. “I’m so hungover I might kill myself.”

Kendall doesn’t know if this is about to be an alcoholic joke or if Roman really just called because he would understand.

“Uh, okay. Well, I’d go throw up and pour yourself an Irish coffee, always worked for me,” he says sardonically to head him off at the pass.

“No. Jesus. I’m not drinking at least until this afternoon.”

“Solid restraint.” Kendall wonders for the millionth time why he’s the only sibling who got the addiction gene. “How was last night? Little bit of corporate trauma bonding?” he asks, stretching out on the couch and enjoying the fact that he spent last night sipping hot chocolate by the Christmas tree while the kids watched Elf.

“You missed a fantastic round of Boar on the Floor. De-licious. Got it all on film, I’m gonna watch it and jerk off later.”

Kendall massages his forehead.

“Jesus. First of all, delete that immediately- or, actually, send it to me and then delete it.”

“I don’t share my porn stash,” Roman says.

“Bro. Seriously. That kind of abuse of power could help our case.”

“Your case. I’m not fucking over Dad. Why do you want it, are you giving it to the biographer? Because Dad will know it’s you.”

Kendall sighs.

“No. I- I mean I got a call, but I didn’t return. Didn’t you get a call?” he asks.

Roman’s quiet before he responds.

“Yyyyeah, of course I did. I’m the most important one.” He changes tone. “But seriously, Dad’s fucking paranoid right now. Someone talked. He doesn’t trust anyone. He’s being… you know. Scary.” He switches back to being cavalier. “He’s gonna find out who it is and it’s gonna be sweet punishment time.”

“Well. It’s not me. But if he wants to know who’s got motivation to talk shit about him, he should look to literally anyone else he’s talked to in the last twenty years.” Roman makes a hurt face and Kendall can practically see it through the phone. “Dude, it’s- it probably won’t even go anywhere. Don’t worry about it. But- yeah. Try to stop people from talking if you can.”

“Why would you want to stop them? You hate Dad,” Roman mumbles.

“I- I don’t- come on, bro. You know that’s not true. It’s tough with us, though.”

“Whatever. This isn’t your ridiculous therapy time where we talk all about how you want to fuck and/or kill our parents and possibly our sister, although you should know she’s mine.”

Kendall rolls his eyes.

“Did he make you play Boar on the Floor?” he asks. The protective older brother in him comes out no matter how annoying Roman is to him.

“Of course not, Dad loves me, Ken. Not something you would understand, but-“

“He never made me play either.” It’s true, but there was always a present threat to both of them at retreats. “Well- good,” Kendall finishes.

“Frank’s here,” Roman says angrily. Kendall feels a momentary pang.

“Yeah? How is he?”

“Being a corporate cock-suck like always. My fucking babysitter.”

“Frank knows what’s doing,” Kendall says. He’s glad Frank is back on at the company, but he misses his guidance. He’s a little envious that Roman is getting the advice he wants. He wonders if he could get Frank on board with his side.

“Ugh. This godfatherly love thing is annoying. Dad’s only bringing him back so he can suck up to the Pierces.”

“The Pierces?” Kendall asks in disbelief.

“Oh, fuck,” Roman laughs. “You didn’t know about that? Man, you are out of the loop.” Kendall squirms at his brother’s glee.

“What do you- Dad’s going after them again? This is his solution. Old tech again.” His mind starts running and he makes a note to text Sandy and Stewy right after this call ends.

“I didn’t tell you that!” Roman exclaims, partially regretting having the shared the information. Kendall can tell how he’s feeling.

“I would’ve found out anyway,” he informs him.

“I guess.”

Kendall decides to change the subject.

“You, uh, see Connor’s video?” he asks.

“Giving away all our secrets to never paying any taxes. Idiot. I mean- love him and his desperate ploys for attention- obviously- but, like, perhaps he shouldn’t be making a joke of our last name?”

“Yeah, thought that was your job.” Kendall sends the rare jab his way.

“Fuck you,” Roman spits back. But he has another thing to discuss. “Um… hey, what do you think of Gerri?” he asks.

“What- Gerri?” Kendall asks. “You mean, like, is she trustworthy? I mean, yeah. She’s all in for Waystar.”

Roman scrunches his face and runs his hand through his hair.

“No, I know, I mean, uh… like as a… human woman? Did she and Dad ever…”

“Fuck?” Kendall chuckles. “I dunno. Maybe. She seems like she’d tell him to go to hell though. Not exactly a warm and fuzzy, fuckin’… take you to bed type.”

“Well, you don’t know. You don’t know her.”

Kendall’s confused by Roman’s sudden defensiveness.

“Why are you asking me this?”

“I don’t- nothing. No reason, I just want to know if she’s trustworthy.”

“Okay.” Did I not just say that? Kendall thinks. “Well, yeah.” His interest is piqued by the questioning. “Why’d you think of that, her and Dad?”

“I don’t know, nothing. She’s just… you know, she was probably hot, once. I should’ve hit on her when I was, like twelve. That would’ve been saucy.” He swirls his finger in the bowl of grapes next to him and doesn’t eat any.

“Dude, what the fuck,” Kendall half-laughs.

“I don’t know. Whatever.” He sounds defensive again and Kendall is more amused by the second.

“Are you trying to fuck Gerri, bro?”

“No, gross, fuck you. She’s, like, efficient. And old. Fuck off. And text me what pills Dad’s supposed to be on.”

“Uh- okay. He- he said I would know?” Kendall’s surprise is evident in his voice. He feels a brief warmth in his chest followed by anxiety that he might never get to experience the closeness he craves with his dad in person again. But he reminds himself that this is a good sign for the future.

“Yeah, don’t get excited. He won’t trust anyone he hires. Thinks they’re all gonna send the list of meds to Michelle Pantsil for the book.”

“Wow. Sure, I’ll- I’ll send you the list.”

“Ugh, just do it, don’t make it a big deal. See you whenever.”

Roman hangs up and Kendall is left with a moment of mixed emotions before refocusing and sending a text to Sandy and Stewy.

Dad’s going after Pierce. Good news. He has no real option if his only plan to get the company even more bloated. Just wants an excuse to chase the old dream. No chance Nan Pierce lets this happen.

Rava pokes her head into the office.

“Are you working?” she asks.

“No- that was Roman, but I think he just called to catch up, actually.” Kendall surprises himself as he realizes that is exactly what just happened.

“Oh?” He’s not the only one who’s surprised.

“Yeah, I think, uh, I guess Dad wanted him to ask me about his pills.” Kendall can’t help but smile a little bit.

“Really?” Rava asks hesitantly. “And that’s- a good thing…?”

“Yeah. That’s a good thing.” He looks at her and gets up to hug her. “Let’s go sit by the tree before the kids go to bed.”

Rava already has had Christmas music playing for the kids, who are inspecting every wrapped present under the beautiful, towering tree.

Kendall notices Sophie subtly peeling back the wrapping paper on the corner of a present addressed to her.

“Uh-uh, Soph. Santa can see that,” he scolds. She looks shocked to have been caught and stares up at him.

“Tell him I didn’t do it! You know the president!”

Rava puts her hand over her face for a moment.

“Santa is more powerful than the president,” Kendall says seriously. “Up, away from the tree. You’ll unwrap it in a few days.”

Iverson looks concerned and Rava goes to smooth his hair.

“Don’t worry,” she reassures him. “Santa knows you’ve both been good this year. That’s what really matters. It’s time for bed now.” The kids groan. “Up, up, up,” Rava continues. “The faster you go to sleep the faster you get to Christmas!”

They stand up and Sophie runs ahead of Iverson, who looks over his shoulder at the festively lighted tree and the many perfectly wrapped boxes underneath it.

Kendall and Rava savor the moment of wonder and innocence and she sits next to him on the couch and leans into him. He kisses her head and they gaze at the glowing tree together.

…..

On December twenty-second, Kendall is at Waystar. He’s here to save Vaulter and he can’t do that without talking to his dad. But he won’t answer the phone and his assistants are denying Kendall at every turn. So here he is. The only way was to come in person. He sits nervously at his desk waiting for any sign that Logan is back on the floor so he can make sure his acquisition isn’t going anywhere. It’s proof he deserves to be here. He glances over to Logan’s office. In there. Heads turn at the sight of him looking out at the floor. He feels self-conscious but strangely proud. They all look away once they've been caught. They've been staring all morning. He bites a nail.

Jess walks into his office. “Hey, Ken?”

He's startled out of his nervous haze and looks up. “Yeah?”

“It’s Rava.”

They exchange the briefest of moments. She hasn’t said that in years. Even though it’s been a few months now, he still gets the rush of remembering she’s calling because she wants to talk to him, not because she’s mad or just to coordinate the kids’ schedules. For a while, it had sent shots of anxiety through him to talk to her- another opportunity to fuck up. But not anymore. He smiles.

“Oh. Yeah, of course put her through.” She turns to go. “Jess- can you just- always put her through.”

She nods with a tiny smile.

“Yeah.”

He picks up the office phone.

“Hey.”

Her voice is honey sweet.

“You didn’t text me back.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah, hang on.” He picks up his phone and reads her latest message. He thought nothing could scandalize him but he’s been proven wrong.

“Wow. Uh… are you going to act that out later, or-?”

“Maybe. How’s everything going? What are the guys saying?”

He’s still looking at the text and now he really doesn’t want to admit that he might have a colossal failure on his hands.

“I- I don’t remember, I’m a little distracted.” She laughs.

“Tell me!”

“It, uh, it- it’s not… great. But I’m figuring it out. I’ll have it by tonight. I will.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“I will.”

It’s like he doesn’t know anyone he doesn’t have to convince.

“I know, Ken. You don’t have to prove it.”

He takes a breath.

“Right, yeah. Okay. I have to go but, yeah, I’ll text you back.”

“Okay.” She knows when work’s not going well, nothing is right in his world. She sounds disappointed and he can’t let that happen either.

“Hey- it’s- it’s five hours til I’m home.”

She can hear him trying and she sighs dramatically.

“Suuuure it is. See you at midnight.”

“I’m coming home at 7:00.” Knowing he’s going home to her makes him feel like he can do this.

“You’ll at least come home before you have to go to some other thing tomorrow, right? I mean, you have to change?”

“Okay. Yeah. See you at 5:00 AM,” he deadpans.

“Ken!”

“I’ll see you at 7:00. Seriously. Maybe we’ll go out.”

“For breakfast? When you get home in the morning?”

He shakes his head.

“Yes. For breakfast. Okay. I have to go save this company now.”

“God, I love how important you are.” He rolls his eyes at the sarcasm but he can hear her smiling and he loves it.

“Bye.”

There’s a tentative knock on the glass and Kendall looks up to see Greg nervously standing at his office door. His voice is muffled as he calls through the glass.

“Uh- hey- hey Ken. Can I come in and talk to you?” He smiles awkwardly. “For a just a- a min? A sec of fam time?”

Kendall’s feeling generous.

“Sure, Greg. Come in,” he calls back. Greg swings the door open.

“H-hey, cuz! What’s up on the anti-corruption, you know, the anti-Roy train?” he attempts.

Kendall gives him a small smile.

“Just anti-corruption. And anti-dictator behavior. What’s up, Greg?”

“Uh, well, you know, just… hangin’ with the fam on the private- private planes and livin’ that high life. I mean, not, like, high. Like not drugs. Not that- uh, I didn’t mean-“

Kendall shakes his head.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

“Um, so, you know the biography of your dad? Michelle Pantsil?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Um, well, I didn’t exactly meet with her, but I did, like, a pre-meet? And-“

Kendall sighs.

“So it was you. And you said some things you can’t take back now?”

“I mean, kind of?” Greg starts. “It wasn’t anything terrible, but maybe things that shouldn’t be in a book? You know? And Tom said Ratfucker Sam is, like, doing research, and apparently he’s not the best guy?”

“Uh, yeah, I mean, Dad’s not gonna love it, man.”

Greg looks panicked.

“Well- well, isn’t there something you can do, or, like-“ he takes in a short breath, “-protect me, maybe? Because I am gonna be able to help you if you win. Or, actually, I can help you win.”

Kendall looks at him.

“Well… I’m not sure what I can do,” Kendall begins.

“I, well, I think you should give me a job if I lose this one?”

Kendall raises his eyebrows.

“No. Dude, come on. If you lose this one? Second choice?”

“I mean, I’m just saying? I have some very, potentially, extremely useful information that I think you could use.”

They look at each other. Kendall thinks about whether he should believe him. He considers the consequences of turning him down and letting the mysterious information stay hidden and the positives of letting it go and staying a small team. He already has one person who’s straddling two sides of the line. But then he considers his dad’s tendency to play as dirty as possible and wonders if he has anything planned to destroy his reputation again. It would be good to have something to stop him this time.

“Okay, Greg. You got it. I think you should leave this side sooner rather than later if you’re going to do it.”

Greg nods.

“Uh, yeah, totally. I- I’m kind of, like, moving up here, though? But also I agree so yeah, yeah.”

The most wishy-washy person alive is on his team, Kendall thinks.

“Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, well… gotta finish this stuff,” Kendall gestures at the stack of papers on the desk in front of him.

“Right! Yeah! Gotta get to work, for sure.” Greg smiles a nervous smile and backs out of the room. “See ya!”

….

On the afternoon of the same day, a news headline flashes across the PGN screen and Rava’s heart stops for what feels like minutes.

“ACTIVE SHOOTER AT WAYSTAR ROYCO: BUILDING BARRICADED WITH SHOOTER INSIDE”

“What?” Her hands shake as she grabs instantly for her phone and there are tears in her eyes before she can even process it. The most terrifying images and future rip through her mind and she fights as hard as she can to make them stop. The one day Kendall goes back. Was it someone looking for him?? Is he hurt? Hiding? Worse?! She can’t breathe right. The phone rings and rings as she dials his number. He doesn’t answer and she starts hyperventilating as she runs for the car. She calls her driver and manages to choke out “Waystar building, right away, please.”

Her coat half on in the freezing air, she jumps into the waiting SUV and calls him again. When she hears his voice on his voicemail, she starts feeling truly terrified. Why would he not answer his phone in the middle of this?? She doubles over and tries to breathe as heavy rain starts to pound on the car.

Her driver glances back at her but she’s too scared to even try to explain. She dials again, still no answer. Just the voicemail message. She frantically pushes away the thought that that’s how she’ll hear his voice now. She waits to hear the beep.

“Kendall!” She practically yells. “Call me! Call me, please call me and tell me you’re okay. Call me. Ken. Call me. Please.”

The drive seems to take hours. The rain makes the traffic even worse than usual and she curses her lack of recollection of the subway system. She dials Jess and is relieved that she answers on the first ring.

“Hi, Rava,” Jess answers through panting and panic.

“Is Kendall okay?” Rava asks helplessly. "Are you okay?"

“Um-“ Jess sounds like she’s running. “I don’t- I don’t know, I’m being taken to a room somewhere but I don’t see him- but that doesn’t mean anything. Everyone’s running around. I’m sorry!”

“Oh, my god,” she lets out a yelp of true terror. “How is this possible- is anyone- you know?”

“I don’t know, I just heard a shot and some people said maybe more than one? But I haven’t seen anything- um, okay, they’re making everyone hang up so we can hear safety procedures? I’ll call you back as soon as I know anything or if he shows up. When he’s here, I mean.”

Rava covers her mouth. She can hear the blood pounding in her ears.

“Stay safe, Jess! Please call me! I’m coming.”

The beeps to end the call seem louder than normal. Rava panics and dials Roman.

“Oh, good, a connection to what almost passes for civilization,” he answers. She drops her head back for a second and realizes she forgot that Kendall told her he’s been out of the office at management training all week.

“Roman,” Rava starts tearfully. “You don’t know? There’s a shooter at Waystar.”

“Oh, holy fuck, what? Are you fucking with me?”

“No! Kendall’s not answering his phone, Jess is being hidden somewhere and he’s not there. I have to call Shiv.”

“What the f-“ Rava hangs up and dials Shiv. Straight to voicemail like it’s off. She begins to really cry and falls toward the seat. He said he was coming home at 7:00.

The car pulls up and she practically falls out of it trying to get out as fast as she can. Armed guards stand outside and look suspiciously at everyone in sight. Police cars line the street, scattered protesters stare up at the building, news crews are everywhere.

“Excuse me! Is Kendall Roy in there? Is he okay? Where is he?” she calls desperately to the nearest security guard.

“Please stand clear, ma’am. Police orders. This is a crime scene.”

“NO! My husband is in this building and I need to know if he is safe! Kendall Roy.” The guard appears unmoved. “As in Royco?!” She has never talked to anyone like that in her life, but she will do whatever it takes.

“We’ll update everyone when we have more information.”

She practically screams in frustration and calls Kendall again. The rings end early and his live voice sends waves of relief like she couldn’t even imagine over her.

“Hey! Fuck, sorry, I just heard your message and I was going to-“

“Oh, what the fuck,” she sobs into the phone. “Ken! Are you okay? Are you safe? Where are you?”

He sounds like Jess had, being hustled through hallways.

“I’m- yeah, I’m fine, I was making a call on the roof til it started raining and I didn’t even know about this until about a minute ago when these guys came and found me.” He covers the mic. “Excuse me! Where are we going?” he asks the security guards. Rava can hear heavy breathing and yelps and alarms and hurried footsteps in the background.

“Safe room,” Rava hears a guard’s muffled voice through the noise. “With Logan.”

“With- uh- what, no, is there a different-“

“Kendall! Go to the safe room!” Rava yells into the phone. He looks at the phone in surprise and then it really hits him what she must have thought.

“I’m going. Hey, I’m sorry, I’m fine. Really. I mean, it’s possible this was all orchestrated by Dad to get me alone and threaten me.“

Neither of them knows if he’s joking. Rava puts her hand on her face.

“Please. Are you almost to the room? Have they caught the- whoever was-“

“Uh, I don’t know. Not sure, we’re almost there, though.”

“Do not hang up on me,” Rava says sternly, but he can feel where it’s coming from through the phone.

“I won’t. It’s okay. I promise.”

He can’t promise that and she knows it, but hearing it in his voice makes her feel a little bit better. She doesn’t want to be too dramatic.

“Can they just let you out of there? I-“ her breath catches. “-it would be really good to see you right now,” she tries, knowing there’s no way they’re just letting one person out.

“I agree, but they’re not letting anyone out. These guys have the kind of guns Ravenhead loves to talk about.” The door opens in front of him.

“We’re here, head inside, please,” the guard orders.

“Okay, I’m here at the safe room,” he reports to Rava. She’s suddenly beyond exhausted and plops down onto a bench in the wide courtyard in front of the Waystar building.

Kendall steps inside, dreading what Logan’s reaction will be, whether he’ll even let him in. But Logan’s up and striding over as fast as Kendall has ever seen him.

“Kendall!” Rava hears Logan’s voice through the phone. “Are you all right, son? Where were you?”

Kendall can’t believe the embrace he’s getting. He hesitantly hugs his dad back and finds himself wishing against his will that it could last longer.

“Uh- yeah, I’m fine, Dad. I was fine.”

Logan nods and pats his arm before going to sit back down. Kendall takes half a second to remember that he’s still his father’s son, regardless of what’s going on with the company.

“You’re in? You’re okay?” Rava asks nervously.

“Yeah. I’m good.”

“Thank God. Fuck. I don’t-“ she shakes her head. “I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared in my life.” The adrenaline has kept her warm so far but now the cold is getting to her and she zips her coat, gazing up at the building and willing him to come walking out the doors. She longs to feel him against her, to squeeze him and feel his heartbeat.

“I really am sorry, I- I should’ve answered, I was on a call and thought I’d just call you right back and then they came up-“ he begins.

Gerri hangs up her phone and interrupts the moment.

“It was an ATN employee… a suicide,” she tells the room delicately. Kendall glances down and he’s suddenly pulled away from his conversation, from the present moment. He has uncomfortable flashbacks to wondering if anyone would notice. If anyone would care. Logan looks at him for a second and Kendall feels a disturbing connection to know it’s in his head too. The only other person who knew how he used to feel. It’s a wake-up call to see how worried his dad was just now. To hear Rava’s panicked crying at the mere thought. He thinks maybe he’ll never tell her what he used to think about when he was left alone for too long.

“Uh-“ he clears his throat as he and Logan break eye contact and he turns his attention back to the call. “I’m not sure if you heard that… someone- killed himself… at his desk. It’s- it’s him only. No one else.” He wonders what they would have said about him.

“Oh,” she breathes out. “That’s sad… Does that- um, are you coming outside now?” she asks, knowing that’s much too hopeful.

“No, I think we have to be in here a little while longer?” But his head is elsewhere. “Hang on a sec.” He taps one of the guards near the door a bit nervously. “Um. Do you know who it was?”

The guard shakes his head.

“Okay.” He takes a step toward Gerri. “Who was it, do we know?” he asks her.

“A- Mark Johnson?” she says, scrolling through an email from Karolina about the incident. Kendall knew there was a small chance he’d know the name, but he still feels guilty that he doesn’t.

“Oh. Okay.” He wonders if there’s anything that could have been done. The therapists told him there was always something to live for.

“Did you know him?” Rava asks.

“No,” he answers.

But it’s still more upsetting than he’d like to admit. He looks around the room and thinks he should go to talk to Shiv. It’s been a while and he wants to know what’s going on. Maybe she can distract him. Or maybe she can talk. He glances at Gerri and Logan talking to Rhea and wants to make an appearance in that conversation too. If Logan’s going after Pierce, Kendall needs to make it clear that he won’t.

“Uh, I’m going to go make sure everyone else is okay,” he says into the phone. “Yeah? I’ll call you as soon as we get the go-ahead.”

“Oh, okay. I’m right outside for you,” she says. He likes the sound of that. “I’ll see you soon.” She doesn’t like this situation but she knows it could be hours.

“Okay, thanks, Rav. I love you.”

“I love you.”

They hang up and Kendall cautiously makes his way over to the corner where Gerri and Logan and Rhea are talking. He wouldn’t have normally attempted it, but Logan’s concern prompts him to think he might be allowed in.

Gerri’s talking in a low voice about Mark Johnson.

“Apparently he emailed a close friend last week, talking of a ‘culture of bullying.’”

“It’s a newsroom, not a kindergarten,” says Logan as he rolls his eyes. Gerri hesitates.

“Tragically, he also had a history of incidences of – well, not really, mental illness, which he was medicated for through our health plan?”

“Well, let’s hope that doesn’t get out and muddy the waters,” Logan replies darkly.

Kendall feels like someone’s punched him in the stomach and changes his mind about being a part of this. He walks over to Shiv. He wants out of this room and into Rava’s arms.

“Hey,” he starts.

Shiv’s scrolling on her phone and glances up at him, pressing her lips together for a second as she decides on a tone.

“Hey,” she says carefully, with just enough attitude to make it clear that she’s on Dad’s side.

“Can we talk? Like…” he gauges her weirded out reaction. “Actually talk?”

“Um… I guess?” she says as she glances toward Logan.

They move around the corner and she looks at him expectantly.

“So you’re working here now?” he asks.

Her expression turns suspicious.

“Just observing. Why? You know, that’s company information, not for outsiders,” she smiles. He nods and raises his eyebrows.

“Right. But you’re not an outsider?” he challenges.

“Oh! No, I am,” Shiv says with a sarcastic nonchalance.

“So, Rhea,” Logan says smoothly from the other side of the wall. Kendall and Shiv both turn their heads at the sound of his voice moving back into business mode. “Let’s get into it. There’s a price. Let’s cut the bullshit.”

The siblings look at each other warily as they both lean in Logan’s direction to hear better.

“Well, I’m a mere conduit, so feel free to give some numbers, but it’s a hard no from the Pierces.”

“Twenty-one billion.” Shiv looks alarmed and her eyes dart to Kendall. She’s dismayed to see his lack of surprise.

“Why aren’t you more shocked by this?” she asks. “Oh, fuck. You’ve been in contact. This is all an act? Is this why you’re here today?”

“No, Shiv. I’m here because I need to keep up with what’s going on here and I’m not shocked because I’m taking over the company I’ve worked at for seventeen years. I know what Dad wanted to bid.”

“Fuck off, I don’t believe you,” she whispers as they both quiet down to listen to Rhea’s low-key reaction to the staggering number.

“It’s like Shiv said, the cultures just aren’t compatible,” Rhea answers. Shiv gives Kendall a smug look. “It’s an emotional matter for the Pierces. Money is not irrelevant, but how can I put it-?”

Kendall knows Rhea is really here to shut it all down. He makes a split-second decision to call her bluff. Maybe there is no number big enough. Before Shiv or Logan can stop him, he steps back out into the main part of the room.

“-Relevant?” he finishes. Logan and Rhea look up at him and he feels his heart hammering in his chest. “I mean, let’s be honest here. What is it- twenty-one five?”

Shiv runs up behind him.

“Excuse me?” she looks at Logan. His expression is complicated. “Dad! He can’t just say numbers. Can he?” Kendall holds strong and hopes his dad won’t shut him down.

They’re both glued to Logan’s face and Rhea seems reluctantly enthralled by the family drama. Logan’s anger at the move is simmering under the surface, but Kendall can see that he’s grappling. He wants Rhea’s yes more than he wants to shut Kendall down. The moment feels like it lasts a week but finally, Logan nods. Authority approved.

“Bidding against yourself,” Rhea smiles. Kendall’s emboldened.

“Twenty-two,” he says without breaking eye contact with Rhea.

“Jesus, Ken.” Shiv stares at him.

Rhea’s grin continues.

“That doesn’t sound like a real offer.”

“It’s real,” Kendall confirms more confidently. Rhea raises her eyebrows.

“I’ll really have to take this to the Pierces,” she demurs.

“Uh-huh,” Logan says. “Thank you, kids. Rhea, I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you.” His phone rings and he steps away to answer it. “Marcia. Yeah, yeah, fine. Just some ‘mental illness’ fuck…”

Shiv walks over to a couch and calls Tom, leaving Kendall standing with Rhea. He tries to read her face.

“This isn’t what the Pierces want,” he says, as both a statement and a question. Rhea smiles.

“No,” she confirms. He was right. If she’s saying no to twenty-two, there’s no way this is happening.

“Well, frankly, I think you deserve complete transparency. I don’t think my dad should start something he can’t finish. His tenure, as storied as it is, is going to come to an end when I take over. And I agree with you. It’s just not the direction we want to take the company, Sandy and Stewy and I.”

“Mmhmm. Yeah. I understand that. I have a feeling your dad won’t give up until he gets a solid answer from Nan Pierce though.”

“Right,” Kendall says. “Well. I think we can be confident what that answer will be.”

Rhea gives him an enigmatic look. She can communicate with just her eyes and he knows she sees the same future he does.

“It is going to be you, isn’t it?” she says, more as a statement than a question.

He takes a breath.

“Yes. It is.”

She nods subtly. He nods back and she goes to sit down.

Kendall takes a second to collect himself before sliding back down into the current reality of what has happened today. He looks over at Shiv hanging up the phone and thinks he’d really like to try again to connect to her. He cautiously makes his way over to the corner she’s standing in behind the side wall, hidden from the rest of the room. He can’t help himself and lowers his voice.

“Hey. Did Dad promise you… something?”

Shiv tucks her hair behind her ear.

“Nope. No… did he promise you something?” she asks, concern bleeding through her façade of calm.

Kendall decides to keep it vague. The sadness starts creeping up again and sucking away his adrenaline.

“Well. He’s promised me a lot of things.”

“Old news, Ken.”

“I mean, it’s not. Turn on the literal news and they’ve been talking about it.”

“Mmhmm.” Shiv returns to her phone before flitting her eyes back up when she feels that he’s still looking at her. “…What?” she asks.

“Did you know the guy?”

“Who- the guy who- with the gun? No. Why, did you?”

He shakes his head.

“No. Fucking… terrible, though.”

“Yeah,” Shiv shrugs. “Sad,” she adds in an obligatory tone. He’s too quiet. “What’s wrong with you?” she asks.

“I mean, no one knows him, or- cares? Dad was over there talking about publishing his mental illness, like…” She looks at him expectantly. “You know.” She gives him a blank look. “It’s what they would say, Shiv. About me.”

“Well, they’re speculating with him. But everybody knows for sure how fucked up you are,” she jokes. He doesn’t laugh and his eyes stay on the table next to him.

She gives him an uncertain look. The news is really sinking in now and making him more upset by the minute. The fact that an employee brought a gun in the office, the fact that someone in his company killed himself because of policies Kendall could have improved. The idea that more than one person thought he might have been dead today. The things Logan and Gerri would’ve said if he’d gone through with it years ago. The distance between him and his siblings now. It’s too much. He just wants it all to go away for a minute. She sees his face and doesn’t really know what to do.

“Come here. Give me a hug,” he says quietly.

“Wha-?” she starts. He pulls her in and stays there for longer than she’d expect.

“Ken. Hey. That’s not you.” She rubs his back for a second and pulls back to look at him. “Wait, you’re not, like.. thinking of-? Because, you know, Dad would be pissed. Who would he talk shit about to the lackeys?” Kendall has to restrain himself from asking if she’s kidding. She looks at him like he’s crazy. “It is just a company.” He looks at her like she should know it’s not. “It is. Not really worth…” She gestures at him. “…this, you know.” He shakes his head.

“Not the company. Not really. I just… I don’t know. Someone should have noticed something with this guy. They just- should’ve noticed.”

She gives him a long look.

“You wanna talk some more?”

He looks at her and hates that he feels like he can’t trust her to keep it all to herself. He flashes back to holding her as a baby and wants to cry at the thought that he can’t tell her anything. It’s so quiet for a second that they can hear the rain dripping down the windows outside.

“I- I really can’t.”

….

After what feels like an eternity, Kendall finally trudges out of the Waystar doors into the drizzle. Rava’s head snaps up at the sight of him and slides out of the SUV to run across the courtyard and throw her arms around him in her puffy coat.

“Oh,” she whispers. “You’re here.” He lays his head on her shoulder and just lets the news photographers snap their shots. He’s so relieved and lets his shoulders drop. He hadn’t even realized they’d been practically around his ears. She doesn’t let him go for a whole minute and she’s teary again when they separate just enough to walk over and get in the backseat. She’s a little surprised that he’s teary, too. She opens her arms again when they’re inside and the door is shut, enclosing them in the safe, heated interior with tinted windows. He leans into her and stays in her arms the whole way home. He tells her the whole story and she tries to stay even-keeled while telling him her side. When they’re home, she takes him inside, and even though he has to email Stewy to tell him about Rhea and figure out how he’s going to get Roman to tell him the whole truth about PGM as things develop, he’s just feeling emotionally exhausted. So he lets Rava lead him to their room and slowly pull on some pajamas before she guides him into bed and holds him to her. She takes the remote from the bedside table and starts the fire in the fireplace. While the flame shadows dance on the walls, she nestles into him and slowly kisses his cheek, once, twice, three times. He closes his eyes.

Her lips touch his and he needs them to feel like one. He pulls the comforter over them both and rolls her on top of him for a deep and slow connection that they both need after everything they’ve been through since this morning. He needs comfort, needs to give comfort, and she wants to be taken care of after such a dangerous day. He holds her close and they share each other’s air. They’d rather have less oxygen than be more than an inch apart.

They end the day lying still in the light of the fire, wrapped up in each other with no plan to move. They don’t need words to express themselves and he’s grateful just to have time to exist where there’s nothing to prove. She just wants him to lie there with her. Deep tiredness hits him hard after such a taxing day. Even though he has no idea what time it is and is pretty sure it’s still early evening, he lets himself slip into sleep. His even breathing and the way he cuddles up to her in his sleep make Rava feel like utter mush and she kisses his head before she follows after him and floats into sleep.

….

On December twenty-third, Rava wakes up still on her side facing Kendall as he lies on his back. She glances at his phone screen as he scrolls. An Instagram profile full of professional photos, galas, upscale restaurants and bars… she squints a little in her morning haze and sees the username clearly. MarkJohnson.

She blinks and he realizes she’s awake.

“Hey,” he says, closing the app. He looks haunted.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to close it,” she says. “I thought you didn’t know him.”

“Uh, yeah, I didn’t.” He pauses. “Probably should have. I dunno. I wish I had.”

She runs her fingers over his forearm. She’s still getting used to his newfound enlightenment and desire to be the one to help post-rehab.

“Oh, Ken, you couldn’t have done anything.”

He doesn’t love that attitude but he reminds himself it’s coming from not wanting him to feel guilty. He looks at the comforter.

“He sent an email to his friend saying it was a culture of bullying. My company. I could have done something.”

“You can’t control everyone at the company,” Rava sounds too indifferent and it makes him kind of upset. He doesn’t want to say anything. She glances at him. “I mean, you couldn’t have known, his Instagram looks like a lot of fun,” she prompts. He nods.

“Yeah.” They’re quiet for a moment. “I might start a foundation.”

“For this guy-?”

“Yeah, I mean, you know, for people who are struggling. Like… it doesn’t have to end like that.” He considers how differently he would’ve felt if he’d known that in the future he would be lying next to Rava and on his way to taking over Waystar.

Rava’s a little touched.

“Well, that would be nice,” she affirms as she sits up in bed and reaches for his sweater to pull over her tank top.

“Or- something for addicts, maybe. Maybe both. There’s kind of a lot of crossover. You know? Maybe he had a problem. He had a lot of party pictures? I- I was at some of those galas.”

Rava looks back and realizes his voice was wobbling.

“Hey,” she says, laying back down and giving him a hug. “You don’t know what caused it. It was probably complicated.” She pats his back.

Everyone’s so quick to dismiss and he tries not to spill a tear onto the sweater she’s wearing. But she notices.

“Oh, Ken, what’s-“

“Nothing. It’s just- fucking… sad.” He sniffles and sits up. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

She looks at him with concern.

“You sure?”

He shrugs.

“Uh- yeah. I’m gonna get some breakfast… yeah? You want something?”

“Yeah. I’ll be in in a minute,” she says.

He nods slowly and gets up and walks toward their bathroom. She thinks he looks like he has a hundred pounds on his shoulders. She follows him into the bathroom after a minute and finds him leaning against the wall by the sink with the water running and a silent tear on his face.

“Oh,” she pulls him close and he lets her. She turns the water off.

“Uh…” he wipes the tear from his face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s sweet that you care. It is sad!” She keeps one arm around his waist and touches his face with her free hand.

“It could’ve been- anyone. You know?” He finds himself wishing she did know.

“Sure,” she says.

“Dad’s gonna publish that he was insane because he was on some prescription through the company. You- you know he’d do that to me. He basically already did.”

Logan’s shaming for being a human being never seems to stop, Rava thinks.

“Well,” she says, “that would pale in comparison to the headlines I’d get printed about his Viagra use. And of course his death by daughter-in-law.” Kendall laughs a little through the tears and she squeezes him. “He’s such a…. fuck him,” she says. He nods and tries to get it together.

“It’s okay to fall apart,” she tells him.

He shakes his head.

“Not doing that.” He takes a deep breath and she nods and takes his hand as they walk out to the breakfast table. He sits down and looks at her across the round edge of the breakfast table. “So, tell me what’s going on,” he says. “Something else. It’s- it’s not good for me to think about this anymore.” She gives him a worried look but obliges. She sighs as she forces herself to talk about her situation.

“Well, I called that firm Robert knows to take the case,” she says a little regretfully. Her face is pained. “I- couldn’t handle it on my own I guess.” She smiles a forced smile of embarrassment. “I’m still the attorney of record,” she adds, feeling like she must sound lame, “but they’re mostly handling the day to day now.” She shrugs. “It’s… disappointing. But I’m staying up on it as much as I can. They’re already making more progress with getting documentation.”

He nods and holds her hand. He knows the feeling of failure.

“Well, it’s good for those guys. Tony, yeah? And the other guy?”

“Yeah,” she says reluctantly. “Yes it is.”

“I don’t mean you weren’t good. I mean- you know. If they can solve it. If they can find the guy who disappeared. What’s the resort company called?”

“Um, Triangle Properties.” Kendall thinks for a second about whether he recognizes it. No.

“Uh-huh.”

They look at each other and it sinks in that they have nothing good to talk about at this moment. They pick at breakfast for a few minutes.

“You want to watch tv?” she asks.

“Yeah. That would be good.”

They take their coffees and head into the family room for some low-key zone-out time. She flips on the set and spreads one of the blankets over them both.

“The kids are out?” Kendall asks.

“With Malaya, at the new science museum exhibit. Iverson wanted to go.” Kendall nods. He kind of wishes they were going, too. He could use a distraction and he thinks Rava could, too.

“I’m supposed to have lunch with a couple of the girls today,” Rava says, more like it’s a question than a statement.

“Oh.” Kendall tries not to make his disappointment obvious. “Uh… yeah. Okay."

"I just promised them because it's been so long."

“Right. Sure,” he pushes a smile onto his face. She should have a distraction.

After the show has ended and Rava has gotten ready, she walks over to kiss Kendall, still in his robe in his armchair.

“Don’t go,” he says, only half-serious.

“Ohh, I’ll be home before you know it. But you could have a friend over, too.” She smiles, “or don’t you have any of those?” she teases.

“I have friends,” he insists.

“Outside of business acquaintances?”

“Well, Stewy’s not a business acquaintance.”

“Business partner,” she says as if that distinction is not the point.

He feels regretful for having given up so many of his party friends from the old days, but he’d known he had to do it.

“It was part of rehab to end those other friendships,” he says, trying not to sound annoyed that she would forget that. “You know that.”

“Ken, I’m messing with you. You’re fine.”

“Ivey will build the Lego skyline with me when he gets back.”

“Adult friends, Ken,” she smiles.

“Uh, well, you’re my adult friend,” he says as he purposely looks her up and down.

She smiles a little sadly and glances down at herself.

“Not exactly looking my best these days,” she sighs.

“What? You look good every day.”

She looks at him for half a second and looks away. He can tell her confidence is shaken by the loss of control over the case.

“Come here!” he says lightly.

She walks over and he gently pulls her down to kiss him.

“What are you going to do while I’m out?” she asks him.

“Uh, just work out, and… yeah, I have to call Sandy.”

“Okay. I should probably join you in the gym. Gonna go eat instead,” she’s says in a regretful yet amused voice.

“Hey, stop that. Seriously. I have to work out,” he says seriously. “You know. Every day it has to happen. But that’s my shit.” She nods. “You look hot.” He means it but she laughs it off.

“Okay. Thanks. I’ll see you when I’m back,” she says without a lot of feeling.

….

On December twenty-fourth, the Waystar Christmas party is in full swing. The cocktails are flowing, the festive attire is sparkling, the band is playing, and Rava is grimacing. Kendall looks over and doesn’t miss the expression.

“I know, last place you want to be right now,” he sighs. “It’s only 4:00. We’ll be out of here in no time. I just have to talk to Dad.”

She nods because she gets it and she sighs because she doesn’t want to get it.

Logan’s across the room and she hopes he’s feeling as un-grinch-like as possible. She watches Kendall eyeing him cautiously.

“This is the last chance I have to save Vaulter,” he says nervously. “Next time I see him- I don’t even know. A month? Argestes? It’ll be too late.”

“Oh yeah,” Rava says. “I forgot about that trip.” She always liked it out there, minus all the networking. “Well, go do it. You can get this taken care of and we can go home?”

“Yeah,” he confirms. “You know, it’s kind of fucked up that there’s this party when Mark Johnson…” his eyes fall to the floor for a moment. She squeezes his hand.

“I know. But you’re here to fix the Vaulter situation for all those people. They need you,” she reminds him.

He nods and takes a deep breath and summons the strength to walk to where Logan is standing with Colin not far behind.

She watches from across the room as Kendall approaches his dad. He starts off nice, and she can see his harder business persona come out as she’s sure they’re getting into the nitty-gritty. After a surprisingly brief conversation, Kendall bounds back over to Rava.

“It’s done. I convinced him. He’s keeping it.”

“Just like that?”

“This- this is a new level, I think. I’m playing him, Rav. We’re playing chess. Like equals. He fucking listened to me.”

“He’s listened to you plenty of times before!”

“Yeah- yeah, but this was another level. This was real shit, like- there was respect there. I showed him I did the work, I had the full answer for everything he asked. He said Roman agreed with me.”

Rava pats his arm.

“Honestly, that’s great, Ken.”

He’s basking in the glory of being heard as Rava glances around at the attendees. Her eyes stop when she sees a tall, thin blonde with fake cleavage spilling out of her tight dress walking by and smiling at Kendall.

“Hi, Kendall,” she says in a breathy voice as she passes them.

Rava turns her head and swings it back around to stare at him. He’s looking at his watch.

“Um, who was that?” she asks, eyes a little wider than necessary. He shrugs.

“Nobody, just, uh, some girl I went on a date with last year.” She keeps staring at him. “It was nothing.”

Rava looks down at her corporate-appropriate dress and takes in a bit of a sharp breath.

“Oh. You… went out with her?”

“One time.”

“Oh. Okay.” She raises her eyebrows and wishes for a mirror. He saw her, he asked her out.

“What?” he asks.

“Oh, nothing, you know, just that she can’t be more than twenty-five.”

He shakes his head and tries to brush it off.

“I don’t know how old she is. It doesn’t matter, it was nothing.”

She reaches behind her head to fix her hair.

“Mmhmm. Okay.”

He half-smiles at her. She can’t seriously be worried about this.

“Nothing even happened.”

She grimaces at the idea of anything happening, of him comparing her to that girl. Nothing happened. She wonders if they kissed at the end of the date. The idea makes her sick.

“Nothing?”

“Nothing, I promise.”

She tries to seem casual, like she’s making a joke.

“But you wanted it to, though.”

He looks right at her.

“Actually, I didn’t. She’s really not my type.”

“Right, yes, I’m sure you hate perfect, beautiful, young-”

He smiles.

“Stop. You are perfect, beautiful, and young.”

She rolls her eyes dramatically.

“Oh, right,” she says, walking ahead of him a step. He reaches for her hand and grabs it.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know, the dermatologist?”

He shakes his head and laughs.

“Don’t say that.”

She looks back at him.

“Stop smiling!” she insists.

“I’m smiling because this is ridiculous.”

“Oh, you were so miserable without me,” she says in a mocking tone.

He looks at her seriously.

“I was.”

She shifts uncomfortably and he slips his arms around her waist, looking into her eyes. She squirms a little and avoids looking at him.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” She starts moving away and he keeps her there.

“Hey. I mean it, I was.”

She wrinkles her nose.

“Please, I didn’t even look like that when I was twenty-two.”

“I don’t want you to look like that.”

“You asked her out.”

He doesn’t know whether the truth is better or worse.

“Actually-“ He drops his head down and looks up at her. He tells himself not to mention that Rava had a whole pseudo-relationship and tries not to smirk or gloat.  “She asked me out.”

She sucks in one cheek.

“Oh, good. A slutty model,” she says semi-seriously.

“I wouldn’t know. One date, Rav.” He gazes at her and she avoids eye contact. “I-I wished she was you. I fucking wished everyone I talked to was you.”

She sighs and finally looks at him.

“Really?”

“Of course, really. Fuck, don’t get all… fake at the doctor.” He shakes his head. “You’re perfect. Come here.” He pulls her in and she leans against him. She’s briefly amused that he’s blissfully unaware of her expertly-done skin treatments.

“Does she know you’re married again now?” she asks in that fake-joking voice again as she squeezes him to her.

“If she reads Page Six.” He still can’t believe she would care about this. “Can we go home now?”

She looks up at him with a small smile and imitates the girl’s voice sarcastically.

“Yes, Kendall.”

He shakes his head again.

“Stop. Let’s go.” He puts his arm around her and they walk out.

….

On December twenty-fifth, Rava hands Kendall a wrapped present after the kids have gone to take post-unwrapping naps. He takes a look at the gift tag.

I thought about sneakers, but this seemed somehow even better. Something for the man who has everything.

The phrase used to be a dark joke to him. He'd thought he had nothing for the longest time and it had always been impossible to explain to anyone but her. He opens the wrapping paper and beholds a well-loved journal.

“It’s my diary,” she smiles. “From the first years we first started dating. I thought you’d like to read what I- well, how I saw you, versus how you saw yourself.”

“I didn’t even know you kept this!” he says with wonder. He opens it up and starts flipping through it, catching snippets on different pages.

If he could take a month away from the Roys, he’d start to see how brilliant he actually is.

I wish I knew how many colors are in Ken’s eyes. I tried to count them once but he blinked. I could honestly look into those eyes forever.

I didn’t know it was even possible to think about someone so much. All I want to do is lie in bed with him every minute. It’s like I physically need him. I don’t know how I’m going to focus on classes when I have to go back to law school next week. I can’t be away from him anymore!

He’s speechless when he looks up at her again. She’s blushing but she’s happy it’s having the intended effect. He glances back down and flips the page one more time.

If Kendall doesn’t propose to me this year I might actually die!!

He chuckles and points to that line, holding it up for her to see.

“Wow,” he laughs. “Good thing I did.”

“Yeah,” she smiles and they gaze at each other. “It is a good thing.”

“This- this is amazing,” he says. “I don’t even- wow.” He looks at her again. “Can’t believe this is real.” He looks down at the book and smiles again. “So, uh, I guess you’re kind of into me.”

“Mmm,” she says as she kisses him. “I guess so.”

He pauses.

“Did you really count the colors in my eyes?”

She smiles.

“Four,” she whispers in his ear.

“Four? No, three.”

“You’re missing the darker green,” she says.

It’s his turn to feel a little hot in his face.

“Okay. So, you’re actually obsessed with me,” he smiles.

“And look how happy you are about it!” she replies.

“You just took out all the bad stuff,” he insists.

She shrugs. “No missing pages!” He flips through the whole thing again. She’s right.

“Okay, I’m absolutely reading every word of this today. But first, I’ll get your gift.”

He pulls out a wrapped gift that’s clearly a frame.

“I don’t know if this is- yeah, this is probably not, you know, great, but- you said you missed when I did art, so…”

She pulls the paper off of a close-up sketch of her smiling in bed, sheets wrapped below her bare shoulders and slightly messy hair framing her face. Sunlight streams through the window behind her.

“How I see you,” he says. “Versus how you see yourself,” he adds.

“I can’t believe you drew this,” she whispers. “It’s so beautiful, I love it. When- when did you even have time to do this?”

He shrugs.

“You know. I made it work. Got the idea at the wedding, the way you woke up,” he smiles. “I just think you should know…” they look at each other. “You know.” She nods. “Come here,” he says quietly.

She cuddles up to him and they wrap their arms around each other. Today, they do have everything.

Chapter 14 💗

#merry christmas! #merry jeremy strong day! #it's a long one again #rewriting one of the most popular episodes fkdjngkdf #ok enjoy! #succession #kendall roy #kendall x rava #kenrava #kendall roy fic #rava roy

[wednesdaytoo]

@coffinbutch tagged me for this! 15 questions + 15 friends! (coffinbutch you are so brave for doing all 15 tags. im gonna take the coward's way and ask any mutual to consider themself tagged if they want to do it!)

long under here

1. Are you named after anyone?

yea! im named after my abuela who died waaay before i was born

2. When was the last time you cried?

3 days ago

3. Do you have kids?

nope! i work with kids (teenaged) and they're fine, i enjoy them, but that's plenty of Kid for me -- i don't need to have my own in my home everyday. id love to be a lesbian uncle tho! which i already kno is Not gonna happen from either of my brothers, so my only chance is my wife's younger sister haha (we were just talking abt this yesterday lol)

4. What sports do you play/have played?

hahha i don't think i've ever played a sport like Officially, like outside of PE classes. i like badminton tho, and B and i are trying to learn how to play pickleball (we suck)

5. Do you use sarcasm?

i suppose on occasion i sarcast

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

hair & clothes? face? im a simple guy

7. What's your eye color?

the inner part of my irises are yellowish-brown and the outer edges are grey-blue. ppl dont usually notice it unless theyre quite up close tho. from a few feet away i think they look grey and that's what i'll usually mark for eye color, or blue if that's not an option

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

i could go for either, but i think i lean slightly more toward scary movies, especially bc i love vampire movies so much. like when we watch a dracula movie and u have one of those "the monster is defeated! hooray!" endings, does that count as a happy ending movie?? we root for drac tho so it's a let down!

9. Any talents?

idk im pretty good at whistling !

10. Where were you born?

california

11. What are your hobbies?

movies, video games, insect/arachnid related things (catching, collecting, pinning, reading abt, etc), sewing/embroidery when the mood strikes me, reading (trying to get back into it at least!), listening to music/discovering new bands, sorting/cataloguing things

12. Do you have any pets?

3 cats (hopey, bullets, and cocoa) + a baby tarantula (avocado) <3

13. How tall are you?

5'6.5" or 168 cm!

14. Favorite subject in school?

in high school my favs were probably trigonometry and ceramics

in college i'd say science (esp entomology, ecology, botany, and astronomy) and foreign languages (i took french, japanese, ASL, and spanish)

15. Dream job?

see one of the above hobbies and then pay me $100/hr to do it :-))

no but fr even tho my current job has its annoyances, it's usually so chill. some days i just text B from work like "here's a bracelet i made today" "made u a candle today" "it was slow and i mostly just read in the library" "i drew a cute poster." two weeks ago we came in for a couple hours to decorate little pouches with custom vinyl designs on our new cricut. the next day we went roller skating lmao. even the actual "work" is enjoyable (i help students w/ their schoolwork, mostly math, which is fun to me, or entering info into forms/spreadsheets, also kind of fun to me bc i can listen to music while i do it). buuut i dont make a lot of money. if they paid me $100/hr and gave me some benefits, i'd be set!

#i should post the pouch i made it's cute as hell #on q14 i had to stop myself from listing more sciences lol #shout out to chemistry and geology... microbiology is dope too #wt.txt #abt

[nerteragranadensis]

15 people, 15 questions

Tagged by @doorfus! thank you!

are you named after anyone?

kind of? I have the same name as one of my dad's friends from college, but idk if he named me after her.

2. when was the last time you cried?

Christmas Eve.

3. do you have kids?

nope!

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

basketball mostly... also soccer, horseback riding, and ultimate frisbee.

5. do you use sarcasm?

yeah....

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

their face, I guess? especially the eyes and nose. I think faces are really interesting.

7. what’s your eye color?

brown.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings. I do like scary stuff but I'm also a wimp and I always want it to end well.

9. any talents?

hm. I tend to focus more on skills (learned, practicable) than talents (supposedly innate). I am really good at writing and English grammar, though. and knitting!

10. where were you born?

Alaska, USA. I was born on Dena'ina Athabaskan land.

11. what are your hobbies

reading, writing science fiction, knitting, mending, and cooking lately.

12. do you have any pets?

none of my own! but I am currently living with 2 cats.

13. how tall are you?

5'5" / 165 cm

14. favorite subject in school?

English

15. dream job

novelist... I just want to write my little stories. alternately: in a world with a guaranteed livable wage and a 20 hr/4 day work week, I would be a janitor. I loved that job. just not enough to let it destroy my body.

tagging @capitalismdisruptedmybarbeque @coldwind-shiningstars @swinging-stars-from-satellites @aethersea

#text #Я

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok volunteering at the food bank was great! I want to make a habit of doing that although I think I may have to find one closer to home if I want to go weekly (it took me 45 min to drive there and 1 hr 10 min to drive home). but I am going to help them with grant writing and edit some of their donor communications material which can all be done virtually and then maybe I can commit to one shift a month there. as usual with stuff like that I had a ton of inertia/didn’t want to go right up until the second I walked in and then I was just happy to be there and enjoyed the experience. they have a lot of cool ideas too for developing other programming—like some weeks they’ll get a huge shipment of some random produce item and they want to create little digital booklets of recipes that use that ingredient and are drawn from across the national cuisines of their core clientele. plus they have lots of ideas for language access stuff and building in connections to other social services so people can access different resources while visiting the bank. I love the little team that runs it they are super dynamic and clearly just work SO hard to keep things afloat. anyway I think if I go once a month and then do more regular weekend work virtually that will be a nice commitment to have.

mmkay. I’m TIRED despite not really extending myself all that much today. tomorrow is a loooong day but I think/hope it will go fast because lots of in-person meetings. here we go:

6:30-7:45 coffee, emails

7:45-9 shower/get ready, work on bio, finish tabulating scores

9-10:15 advisory board mtg

10:15-11 drive to campus and maybe pick up something to take for lunch on the way or just bring a bunch of random snacks. ALSO CALL VET ON THE WAY IN AND SEE IF I CAN DROP PIP OFF LATER OR ON FRIDAY

11-12 PSE mtg

12-1 CB mtg

1-1:30 KA mtg

1:30-2 partner mtg

2-4 work session—recover from meetings, catch up on email, finish this blog post jes you HAVE to stop dragging your feet

4-5:30 student scholars event

5:30-6:15 listen to game on the way home

make some kind of dinner sigh it never ends does it you’re always having to feed yourself!

zzzzz

[loveisbraveandwild]

hihihi grace i have been following your blog since i was twelve and i wanted to say hi. but also. wait. what is going on with Ticketmaster? im so lost all i know is no one got tickets

buckle up! rewind to about 2 weeks ago. taylor posted on instagram, announcing her tour and over 4 million people liked it within 12 hrs, 4x the number of ppl who liked her loverfest instagram post. when she announced it you could sign up for a chance to get a presale code on monday, november 14th. at this time, we were also told loverfest ticket holders have priority, as well as people with additional boosts received from purchases on taylor’s online store. we’re encouraged to link our store email with our ticketmaster email. monday roles around and a decent number of people get emails and texts with codes saying they were selected, although there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who did and did not get codes. we’re told to log onto ticketmaster at 10am the time you venue is closed. as an east coaster myself, when i logged in at 9:25, the website had already crashed. i spent 25 minutes incessantly refreshing just to get into the website. when i finally got into the waiting room and then into the queue, i had, wait for it, over 20,000 people in line in front of me. 2 hours go by, ticketmaster informs us they have pushed back the capitol one card holder presale back 24 hrs, as well as the west coast presales to 3pm local time, AND my queue is paused while they work at ~internal issues~ due to the fact that they, as they claim, had no idea how many ppl would show up on their website, despite having sent. out. the. presale. codes….. AND THEN around this time is when nosebleeds are around $120, floor seats are all vip for $800, and stubhub suddenly has thousands of tickets going for over $20,000. there, again, seems to be no pattern as to where you are in the queue, despite empty promises made by both tm and tn that fan loyalty would be a factor. by hour 4, most venues have no tickets allotted for presale left. many are devastated and feel scammed and are crying and confused

*deep breath* ITS WEDNESDAY! a new day and opportunity for capital one card holders to join a queue and get taylor swift tickets! it cant possibly be worse than yesterday, they naively think! only, its worse. while the queue moves slightly faster, the 6 digits tm asks us to use to confirm we have a card, don’t work. The website is crashing before its even 2pm local time, when we were told to join the queue. And then…… people finally get in to buy tickets and of course….. there is nothing left within the first 20 minutes of the presale. the world is outraged! what will tm and taylor say! people are begging tm and tn for answers (some of the answers are just them gaslighting fans convincing them they never said long time fans will get priority and they don’t know where that information came from)! what will they do!? nothing. the answer is nothing.

but! do not fret! friday is general sale! everyone will get equal opportunity! didnt get presale? no worries! don’t have a capital one card? a-okay! except….. about an hour ago, ticketmaster logs onto their silly little twitter to announce GENERAL SALE HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO UNPREDICTED SALES NUMBERS!!!! how could that be?? didnt they set aside presale tickets???? the stadiums can fit up to 6 digits worth of people!!! what abt the people who simply werent lucky or privileged enough to qualify for the first 2 sales? how can resellers legally do this??? what happened? where did they go wrong??? who even is gonna be in the audience a eras tour??? how did loverfest go so smoothly when there were only 4 domestic shows? all…..great….. fucking….. questions……

i am absolutely horrified and outraged at ticketmaster. 90% of my friends are people i’ve met because of the taylor fandom and yet a whopping like 10% of my friends who live in or can come to the US got tickets. the entire process sucked and to top it all off barely anyone got tickets. right now the only opportunity to get tickets is to spend either $4000 for nosebleeds or more for alternative sections. i dont know what to make of taylor and team’s silence, i am feeling blindly optimistic because i love her and trust her and she often, not always but often, pulls through. i am so sorry to everyone who wont be able to see her, as of now.

[potentially-explosive]

art based on this post, i know it’s not directly mentioned but I imagined him complaining about working at squall industries/managing his day to day evil to-do list:

[ID: A digital sketch. On the left, is Morrigan from the waist up. She is carrying a book and has an annoyed/frustrated expression. She says “would you please shut up already I have exams.” On the right is Ezra Squall, holding his hands up in front of him and with an annoyed/I’m so done with this/tired expression. Written around him are many fragments of complaints he has about work. They are, 1. Does no one in the modern workplace know the “reply” button exists? 2. THE MEETING WAS NOT ON THE CALENDAR, JAMES 3. The Wunder shortages are awful for publicity 4. Ugh and that meeting could very well have been 20 minutes shorter 5. and of course that senator from East Sang had to make a whole presentation. Do I look like a man with free time? No! I have things to do! Places to be! Wunimal viruses to infect the population with! 6. MY STAPLER WAS STOLEN AGAIN 7. I think it was Robins from Public Affairs but it may have been Grayglaze from HR. 8. this was the third time this winter! 9. The entire accounting department can go to he(the sentence is cut off by the edge of the picture here) 10. and don’t even get me started on the ROCC 11. THOSE ABSOLUTE POOL NOODLES IN PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION ARE HORRIBLE AT GETTING ANYTHING WHATSOEVER DONE  12. did you hear that last week they tried to file the wunderground malfunctions as an “emergency”? Sir, those are an inconvenience /end ID]

#i'm very proud of squall's facial expression i looked at an art resource for it #also i did make this closer to the original post i just forgot #nevermoor fanart #morrigan crow #ezra squall #nevermoor the trials of morrigan crow #lemurs art

[mcatmemoranda]

Anticoagulation Pharmacy Lecture

8/23/23

Unfractionated heparin (UFH) work on factors Xa and IIa; it binds to and potentiates the action of antithrombin to facilitate inactivation of factors Xa and IIa. Monitor with activated prothrombin time (aPTT). VTE ppx: 5000 U SubQ q8. VTE tx: 80 U/kg bolus, then 18 U/kg/hr continuous infusion. Adverse effects: bleeding, thrombocytopenia, infusion reactions.

Low Molecular Weight Heparin (LMWH) acts on factor Xa and thrombin a little bit. Works the same as UFH by binding antithrombin, which inhibits factor Xa. More predictable kinetics than UFH. Reversed with protamine. Grouped in with enoxaparin.

Enoxaparin for VTE ppx for pts >120 mg is 40 mg bid

Fondaparinux is a synthetic version of a piece of heparin, works to inhibit factor Xa, no effect on thrombin. Likely safe for pt with HIT. VTE ppx: 2.5 mg qd, unless pt is under 50 kg.

Heparin Induced Thrombocytopenia (HIT) – platelet factor 4 released from platelets binds to heparin and antibodies form against that complex. This activates the plateletsà thrombocytopenia and increased coagulability. 4T score of 0-3 is less than 1% possibility that the pt has HIT. If 4T score is hight, send for SRA (Serotonin-Release Assay). You have to stop heparin and start a different anticoagulant if pt has HIT. Direct thrombin inhibitors are safe to use for AC in pts who have HIT. These are argatroban and bivalirudin. Monitor these with aPTT. There’s no reversal agent for these. These prevent and treat thrombosis in the setting of HIT or if pt doesn’t respond to heparin. Bivalirudin is cleared renally. Argatroban is cleared hepatically.

Oral Anticoagulation

Warfarin – works on factors 7, 9, 10, and 2. It inhibits vitamin K epoxide reductase complex 1. Bridge with heparin because it inhibits proteins C and S, which are anticoagulants. Start 5 mg x2 days then check INR. Can do 2.5 mg if <50 kg; 7.5 mg if >120 kg. Vitamin K or KCentra can reverse warfarin. Warfarin pills have different colors for each strength of warfarin.

INR goals:

Non-valvular AFib: 2-3

DVT/PE: 2-3

Mitral mechanical valve: 2.5-3.5

Coagulopathies: 2-3

Factor Xa inhibitors: apixaban, rivaroxaban, edoxaban – for non-valvular AFib; no monitoring required, safe to use in HIT; reversed with KCentra or Andexanet Alfa (rivaroxaban and apixaban).

Apixaban C/I in severe hepatic disease.

Xarelto should be taken at night with evening meal (or biggest meal of the day to increase absorption); C/I with dialysis (increases bleeding risk). Pts on Xarelto who need dialysis should be on apixaban instead. Apixaban causes less GI and intracranial bleeding.

Savaysa (edoxaban) C/I in pts with CrCl > 95 mL/min

Dabigatran – direct thrombin inhibitor; no monitoring required; safe to use in HIT; reverse with PraxBind (idarucizumab). Dabigatran is very expensive. Expires 6 weeks after bottle opened. Renal adjustment.

Apixaban has been studied in cancer pts.

DOACs for obese pts: conflicting evidence; some evidence of altered kinetics. Modest reduction in AUC in pts >120 kg. AUC reduction doesn’t appear to affect the efficacy of the drug.

Warfarin reversal:

KCentra (prothrombin complex concentrate) has all the factors affected by warfarin and proteins C and S. Dosing: 1500 units for intracranial bleed; 2000 units for DOAC reversal. KCentra is very prothrombotic and dangerous; can cause a thrombotic event. The pharmacy will call you if you order it. KCentra should only be used for emergency bleeding in the ED.

You always give vitamin K (phytonadione) with KCentra. KCentra is short-term benefit. Vitamin K provides long-term benefit. Works in 12-24 hours.

INR 4 to 10, no need to give vit K. If INR >10 and no bleeding – just give vit K. If major bleed, give 5-10 mg IV vitamin K and KCentra. If pt needs urgent procuder, give KCentra.

Vitamin K dosing: 1000 units for intracranial bleed.

Andexanet and KCentra reverse apixaban (Eliquis). Andexanet binds Xa inhibitors.

Bridging: use short acting AC while waiting for long-acting AC to take effect. Can use heparin. Bridge x4-5 days and until INR is therapeutic for 2 measurements.

Heparin needs to be held 4-6 hours prior to surgery, warfarin should be held 5 days prior to surgery.

Resume warfarin 12-24 hours after surgery.

#anticoagulation #AC #warfarin #heparin

[xxjooeeyxx]

𝟙ડ𝕥 𝕛ꪖꪀ, ⅈ "𝕥ꫝ𝕣ꫀ᭙" ꪑꪗ 𝕣ꫀડⅈᧁꪀꪖ𝕥ⅈꪮꪀ ꪶꫀ𝕥𝕥ꫀ𝕣🫣

Flashback to a few mths ago, on 6th Sept, I was annoyed by some work/people-related issues at work. I started thinking again, "What if I quit, What can I do?" And so I went checking out the JobSteet app.

The next day morning while I was working, I received more than 10 calls/messages from various agencies. There were only 3 agencies but I received at least 3-4 messages from each. Being FIFO trained, I replied to those who texted later that XX from their company already contacted me 🙈. I was scared, skeptical and worried if it's a scam.

Among them, 2 agents are most enthusiastic and followed up on me. Agent E introduced me to my new company while the other made me realize I should go back to cardio. And so my resumes was sent to a few companies and 2 responded.

HR J contacted me directly via WA and arranged for a Zoom interview for me with the founders, Doctors R & R on 13 Sept. I thought I had blown it as I think I didn't do well (my 1st proper interview 😅). She contacted me again and encouraged me to drop by for a half-day observation during my off days before making my decision.

After I went down to GEH, I was supposed to go to Mt E Orchard the following week but I didn't make it bcos I was too tired. On 30 Sept, J told me that another doctor M would meet me via Zoom but I was on my way to work. J told me that the doctor M would like me to call him. I tried calling him at about 3 pm and managed to talk to him at about 6 pm. After talking to the doctor M, J message me that they would like to offer me the job with my expected salary and if I am willing to take up the offer. I replied that I am waiting for AWS and will only be able to tender in Jan and join by Feb. After that, I didn't hear from J and I updated Agent E.

Did I juz blow my chance?!?! 😪

The days have gone by and on 3 Oct, my 1st day of AL, Agent E and HR J both texted me. I was at the airport having my breakfast before flying off. J told me that the doctors are willing to wait and if I will take up the offer. I Cried and replied YES 😭😭 (I don't recall I cry when I was being proposed but I cried for this 🫨). I called Kelli and shared with her this news, still crying.

Next few days of AL, I signed my contract. On 10 Oct, I went to Mt E Orchard for observation, submitted some official documents, and met up with doctor M.

Resignation letter - I took a few examples and drafted mine. I had it printed and signed on 31 Dec.

1st Jan, I submitted my resignation letter. News spread like 🔥, shocked many who heard of it. 3 and 4 Jan, I met up with SNM and ADN. 12 Jan, CN secretary called me to meet CN after work.

18 Jan, my last day in NHCS. Thank you to everyone whom I knew and worked with for the past 18 years. I love my gifts and cards, and I felt like my birthday came earlier.

♥︎ NHCS, Joey signing out ♥︎

[camp-counselor-life]

A sort of serious question you totally don’t have to answer, but as someone I respect in the camp world I’d definitely value your opinion on: what do you think of the labor ethics of standard camp practices? I’ve never worked for a Girl Scout camp, though I attended them as a kid, but I’ve worked at other national org camps and well as local non profits, and at all of the resident programs I’ve done, I feel like camp employees (both seasonal and year round) are vastly overworked and underpaid. I’m not sure how GS camps do it, but at camps I’ve worked at, working 23 hrs/day for 6 days a week, 7-10 weeks in a row is not uncommon. With average pay, say, $600/week, even if you only count the 15 or so waking hours counselors are working, that comes out to like $6 and hour. Considering that counselors are also on duty all night….I don’t even want to do the math. Am I crazy?? Are other camps not like this??? I know some of the justification for not paying more is because housing and food are provided but it’s not like counselors usually have the option to stay or eat offsite. Idk I know a lot of camps—especially non-profits—don’t make a ton of money, and I think they’re important for kids, but it feels like we really overlook the physical and mental well-being of staff to run them. So I guess I’m wondering, have you seen these issues at camps? Do you think most camps are ethically run?

So this is a huge can of worms in the camp industry and I know it's a touchy subject with a lot of followers and camp people in general. I think it varies A Lot between camps. Like, an absolutely wild amount.

First, $600/week for an overnight camp is fairly high in a lot of places. I won't get into what the overnight camps I know of pay, but suffice to say it is significantly less than that. The hourly wage (should you dare to do the math) is appalling. Hours wise we also less in my council: we have 2 hours off a day (we talked about changing to 3/day also) and then 5 day work weeks for the most part. A lot of camps (my old council) did a one night a week off as well.

Day camps are different, because many have to pay hourly, and many pay above minimum wage to be competitive. I know some camps (day camps) paying $18-20/hour (or more). Obviously this is not all camps, but especially in places like California and the Eastern seaboard, where minimum wage laws are different. We now pay hourly for 0-12 hours during the school year, although not at that rate, and a daily rate for overnight programs. The overnight rate is a significant increase from when I was seasonal staff.

Full time staff are also low on the pay rate, and I see a lot of FT camp director positions in the 35-40k range of salaries. Sometimes year round housing is included, but how much of a perk is it really (also a big debate) to live where you work and never really escape? Unfortunately, that extends to a lot of nonprofit jobs. I made a little over $17/hour when I started, including when I transitioned to exempt, but I've negotiated and earned many raises and bonuses, so now I make not a great wage, but not a terrible wage, and better than a lot of camp positions (I'm not technically camp, but it's a similar pay scale).

I think from a "reasoning" standpoint, it's difficult because staffing is such a huge expense and A Lot of funders don't want to pay for it. Many, many grants are restricted and can only be used for program supplies, or maybe food. Staff salaries though? Difficult to fun through grants. So you have to pay for them with kid's fees. But how do you do that and still be affordable? Still be a price people are willing to pay, beating out the competition? I think that's where a lot of camps struggle, but also, camp staff are necessary, you can't run camp without them, so how do you balance that budget?

Is it ethical to significantly underpay and overwork? Not really. It's bad for staff mental health and it decreases the pool of staff to privileged individuals who don't need the money. But I think that it is getting better, in a lot of places. Not everywhere, but a lot of places. And the conversation is there. I expect that camp wages and hours will drastically change in our lifetime. Will there always be camps that exploit legal loopholes? Yes, absolutely. But I think that the camp industry is changing, and it's going to change more.

#camp director life #anon