#2 even if i wasnt going with her im just. depressed and useless and want to do notbing but lie in a hole and wait to die

[soldier-poet-king]

What to do when you want to *** but you're "not supposed to" drink yourself silly BC it's 11am, and also you can't leave your room without running into family and also you are useless and pointless and can't do anything right and that's just. How it's gonna be forever.

#franposting #ignore me. its just #oh it sure is a day #this was supposed to be a good long weekend #i really just want to be unconscious for the entirety of it and then also forever after permanently #i cannot spend the whole weekend drunk but i want to #and im supposed yo go see hamilton sunday as a bday gift with my mother which like #1 seeing it w my mother hell. shes gonns fuckin flipm she doesnt know abt the cheating plotline #and in my fucked family??? god i shkuld jjust kms #2 even if i wasnt going with her im just. depressed and useless and want to do notbing but lie in a hole and wait to die #bc i cant escape myself #anyway its just :) #physically i am fine pls dont worry #im just. well. u know #a piece kf shit. AND failed my highway test again. which is 90$ a pop. bc i cant do basic child shit #or bc everyone in the goddam city drives so bad and i dont even WANT TO USE THE HIGHWAYS #and the ttc sucks ass and i cant afford to live somewhere where u can just use transit (ie. parts of europe. parts of asia) #anyway!!! just.!!!! wow i hate it

[chikkou]

ok i was waiting until my laptop got here to finally tell all the bullshit thats happened in the last like. 5 months lol. cause its a lot to type

im gonna put it all under the cut so no one has to read if they dont want. its a LONG fucking story.

tl;dr:

ok so for basic background, for the last two years or so, i was living with a roommate in connecticut. the roommate was my (now former) best friend since middle school. in july of this year his behavior totally shifted, and he started picking fights with me out of nowhere, told our high school friends a bunch of straight up lies abt me to make me look like a horrible roommate & person, and just generally became a two-faced dickhead. in the end, it turned out to all be excuses to justify his decision to move out (unofficially, name was still on the lease) so that he could live with his boyfriends and not pay any bills. at the time i was really devastated by this bc i felt totally betrayed by this person i had been close to since i was 12/13, but frankly after everything else that happened i barely fucking think about it now LMAO. this is set dressing more than anything else

so anyway, i had been living alone since about august, that was the last time i saw him in person. i wasnt handling the situation well because i had spoken to my high school friend and found out the extent to which hed tried to paint me as a slovenly, horrible roommate, to the point of telling actual lies about really dumb stuff (which didnt work btw - my friends, god bless them, were more concerned about my mental health than anything and thought i was going down a depression spiral, which my former friend told them he was helping me through. they believed me right away once we finally did talk). all that is to say, i was going kind of crazy lol, and i decided to go back home in october just for a short while, to recharge my batteries and all.

i was gone for a couple of weeks, not very long. i felt MUCH better after being with my family & friends in person, as i felt pretty isolated from everyone (my hometown is in new york, i was only 2 hours away by train but scheduling times to visit was sort of a hassle, so i only did it once every couple months). my grandfather and mom dropped me off at my apartment in early november, we were very lighthearted and discussing my next steps, since my shithead friend had been behind on rent more than 5 times (i always paid my half on time) and i was facing eviction because of it. we get to my apartment, i go to open the door, and it wont open. not that its locked, it just straight up WONT open. my grandpa tried to ram the door with his shoulder, and nothing. hes a strong ass dude, and this door wouldnt budge for anything.

my mom managed to get the kitchen window open and climb in that way, and it took both her and my grandpa pulling/pushing at the same time to force the door open. i wont even dress this up: there was mold. fucking. everywhere. on the floor, on the walls, all over everything i owned. i have pictures (had to take them for insurance) and im not even going to show them because they are beyond fucking disgusting. everything i owned was soaked in water and mold, and i do literally mean EVERYTHING. it was very warm in there too, like the temperature of a swamp. i was in a haze after that. i just remember sobbing, like genuinely heartbroken sobbing, as i wandered around looking at everything that was ruined. my mom & grandpa had to go and get maintenance because i was just utterly useless, and they were equally horrified & said they'd never seen anything like it.

i managed to save some items that were irreplaceable (journals, notebooks, etc) and whatever clothes werent utterly soaked in mold. all of my cookware, my books, my laptop & desktop (i cried the hardest when i saw the desktop) - it was all ruined. we found out later that the water boiler in my apartment had a catastrophic failure while i was gone, which caused it to constantly send water back through the pipes, empty, and refill itself. my bedroom was directly above the boiler downstairs, so it got the most significant amount of damage. all told, i lost like 95% of the things i owned. it is possible that i could have saved more, but the amount of mold in that apartment made it a genuine safety hazard for me to even be in there, so i had very limited time to grab what i could. the cruelest irony of all that? my shithead ex-friend's room, which was on the other side of the hallway, was pretty much untouched. he lost absolutely nothing lol.

so immediately, i had to leave the state. i moved back to ny with my family. my mother - who had a stroke last year following a diagnosis of an exceedingly rare neurological disorder, AND had two separate brain surgeries to improve her quality of life - was in the process of getting evicted. the landlord didnt give a fuck about any of my moms situation, not her being disabled, not her being widowed, not her having 3 kids under the age of 18 to care for - he just wanted her out so he could increase the cost of rent on our house. at the same time as all this was going on, i got saddled with a $600 electric bill (likely caused by the water heater's malfunction), which neither insurance nor the apartment would pay, so it came out of my pocket. in addition, i found out in december that i was also getting laid off.

we had nowhere to go and couldnt afford to live anywhere in the tri-state area. we had no choice but to move somewhere much cheaper, and since my mom already had a friend living in a mid-atlantic state, we chose to move there. the eviction went through in january and we had less than 2 weeks to pack all our shit, find a place to live, and get the fuck out. needless to say, we were not successful lol.

we stayed in my grandparents 1 bedroom apartment for about a week, then all of us drove down together to stay with my moms friend in her 3 bedroom apartment (she has 5 kids, 3 of whom live in the apartment). my moms apartment, which was supposed to have been ready by january 31st, still had people actively living there. the property manager kept promising us it would be next week for the entire month of february, to the point that my mom got fed up and chose to rent a small house instead. the reality of being essentially homeless for that time was beyond horrifying, and having anywhere between 8-10 people in that house (my cousin also moved with us, but he stayed in a hotel for the first week) was more taxing than i can express.

but things have gotten a lot better since then. i also found a cute little house to rent just up the road from my moms, and its very cheap for its size. i still havent found a job yet, but thanks to what was essentially the liquidation of everything i owned, ill be ok for a couple months more. im slowly but surely repurchasing all the things i lost and trying to acclimate to the new environment. things are still not totally stable right now, but they are slowing down, and at this point thats all i can really ask for lol.

so yeah. if u were wondering why i suddenly stopped posting after literal years of posting every day, thats why LMAO

#dark lord saltine #ik this is a massive overshare but fuck it #lifes been fucking hard lol #i have legit been saying ''everything happens so much'' since this all kicked off lmao #its sort of the family motto at this point

[d2myg]

50 questions tag

tagged by @rysiowate thank u darling!

1. What takes up too much of your time? my hyperfixations and constantly updating all my online accounts and personas

2. What makes your day better? when i feel like ive accomplished something in a day; also, getting to go to bed after a long day

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? i made really good tofu fried rice

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? the shire. just wanna live in a tiny hobbit house and eat and read

5. Are you good at giving advice? depends what it is about. and also, im better at getting my points across via text, so im useless at advice irl

6. Do you have any mental illness? anxiety and depression, im pretty i have some kind of executive dysfunction and maybe dependent personality disorder, but these two are just my assumptions. who knows really im broke and too anxious to go a therapist to get diagnosed lmao

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no thank god it sounds terrifying

8. What musician inspired you the most? even though i’m not an active stan anymore i’m gonna say bts because they’re the artists i’ve stanned the longest for and grew most attached to. i think they helped me develop as a person and they’ve been there for me in tough times. but also queen, because in freddie mercury i found a queer icon and role model which is very important for me

9. Have you ever fallen in love? i thought i was in love once but looking back, maybe not

10. What’s your dream date? i think this dream date business is bullshit. as long as im with the person i like, we could be doing literally anything and id still be like yeah this is a good day. like running errands or going grocery shopping or just lying in bed.

11. What do others notice about you?

idk probably my self-deprecating humour. also i if im wearing makeup that almost always gets commented on so i guess that

12. What is an annoying habit you have? just one? lmao uhhh when im super anxious about something i just shut off and like i cant function until that thing is resolved. my brain is just like ok anxiety time lets lay in bed and cry and nap for the rest of the day. also when im not in the mood to reply to someone’s text i will literally go days without replying not bc i forgot but bc i just.. yeah

13. Do you still talk to your first love? sometimes i check up on her (on her social media) but no we havent talked for almost a year since it ended. but then, was she really my first love. idk.

14. How many exes do you have? one

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i have multiple playlists and i also follow a lot of playlists; all together there must be at least 1k

16. What instruments can you play? acoustic guitar

17. What do you have the most pictures of? travelling, i have folders of pictures since last year that i havent edited yet

18. Where would you like to go before you die? hm. everywhere i havent been yet. id really like to go to canada, also like everywhere in asia

19. What is your zodiac? scorpio

20. Do you relate to it? idk i dont really read horoscopes and idk the like scorpio personality traits or whatever

21. What is happiness to you? being content with myself and what im doing.

22. Are you going through anything right now? final assignments of the semester :)

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? getting too attached to some people. 

24. What’s your favorite store? record stores are so cool. also there’s this store in brighton that sells prints of stuff like ghibli on tshirts and tote bags. not my favourite, but i like it. i dont think i have a favourite.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? im pro-choice. i dont think it should be a debate.

26. Do you keep a bucket list? no

27. Do you have a favorite album? sheer heart attack by queen, that shit slaps

28. What do you want for your birthday? honestly not to be shallow but some coins so i can buy myself some stuff ive been wanting to buy but didnt wanna spend money on

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? idk probably that im a bitch or that im intimidating. before i open my mouth to talk. one of my best friends told me they were scared of me when we first met.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? idk i mean no one really questions my age tbh. when i was younger people thought i was older lmao cause i seemed mature or whatever

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? usually on my bed bc i sleep with earphones

32. What word do you say the most? uuuh……. like. when i talk i say like after every 3rd words its annoying

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 5-6 years probably

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? ½ years max

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? i dont talk about my career ambitions with anyone lmao it makes me anxious. my mom says i could do personal couching or psychotherapy or whatever.

36. What’s your favorite music genre? classic rock

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? sweden sounds really nice. hong kong or singapore also

38. What is your current favorite song? hm. the iron man 3 credits soundtrack. slaps. suffragette city by culture club also

39. How long have you had this blog for? uuh i remade very recently

40. What are you excited for? goin home for the summer. also rocketman and spiderman far from home. also!!! i might be going to the rocketman red carpet so

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. i dont really like talking about deep stuff

42. What is the last productive thing you did? did some uni work today. actually, did a lot of uni work today

43. What do you want for christmas? go to budapest with my mom weve been planning that

44. What class do you get the best grades in? my best subject in high school was english and in college it was probably psychology

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? idk 5/6

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

dude i dont even know what ill be doing next year after my ba course ok

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? i dont think i really had one. when i broke up w my gf, its been shit for a while and i just accepted that it wasnt gonna work so it didnt really like hurt

48. What age do you want to get married? marriage is overrated and expensive next

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be a vet also but so much med school. ew.

50. What do you crave right now? to dye my hair bc im stressed insert this is fine meme

i also tag @hamkis also @crownedbabes also @funkysapphic, @milmercurios, @freddie-jupiter, @piscesyub, @cactustattoo, @tonyrights

#anyone else can do this to just say i tagged u! #and those i tagged u dont gotta do it #eli.txt #tag game #long post

[sherazzie]

ICU

my mom lay on barely able to hold a breath on dialysis twice a day,a breathing tube down her neck.A plethora of wires hooked up to every part of her body, violating her unwillingly but working to keep her in one piece.I watched as she struggled for every breath, what she was feeling as she lay in comatose.I cant begin to imagine her suffering as i sat as an observer emotionless and strong on the outside as relatives come and went everyday for months.I just regurgitated words of strength and exuded an abundance of positivity as people said their well wishes.But truly it was all pretend.I did believe that god plan was god's plan and my faith has allowed me to not break and cry in view of everyone. A rock i had to be,but I was devastated inside, heart shot to hell and back.An unsurmountable amount of family politics came into play and my mom was front stage center of it.

My sister was overseas

My brother was doing a levels

I was dragged into the the crossfire unwillingly as i vehemently tried to preserve my mom's dignity as she laid lifeless unable to defend herself against the malice and lies.

I had to answer in her place.

Every move i made was scrutinzed by my aunt as she tried to force everything i knew about my mom out of me to fuel a fire that was already out of fucking control.

To her

I wasnt honest

I was doing things wrongly

I was defending her wrongdoings that were absolute blatant lies

I was being uncooperative

I was part of a big cover up

My couldnt control my emotions as i lay in bed every night crying myself to sleep,waking up at the crack of dawn wanting to leave my house without waking her up so i dont have to sit to here yet another 2 hours of lectures.

I would drown myself in my music as i made my way to the ICU everyday.

I sat in the icu room playing quranic verses as i recited along  in my heart eyes closed pleading to a god i knew existed as he puts me through the most fucking grueling  test of my life thus far. Sometimes i couldn't take it i would just leave and sit hours upon hours in the waiting room outside just staring blanking into space,tears raining down my cheeks.I always hurried to clean myself up as i hear footsteps,cause i didn't want to look like a complete fucking mess to anyone . I was supposed to be the strong one in this narrative.The worst part of it all, every moment i had to sit away from her bedside i couldn't help but feel increasingly guilty. 

Why was i out here

Why was i wallowing away

I should by her side at all times

Sorry ma , i couldn't bear with it, honestly and truthfully from the bottom of my heart. I was too weak

I didn't know what else to do i was so stressed i just kept eating and eating and eating as i ballooned to epic proportions.

Crying and just eating

Fuck me

Although i had shed 26 kilos and counting since then ,just remembering it is disgusting,i hated myself for just not caring about what i ate how i look how i felt.

I hated how i coped with the situation 

I hated life 

I hated me 

How i didnt fall into the depths of E.D god knows.

I believe i was depressed , but i just didn't  recognize it and maybe that was for the better. I  always led a happy life bottling things in but even when the seams were at its last strings i was completely defiant in expressing any hints of feelings.

I told myself

IM NOT A WEAK

IM NOT A WEAK FUCK

IM NOT A BITCH

IM BETTER THAN THIS

IM IN CONTROL

But the matter of fact is

The tears i shed every night and the ones i still shed now paints a different story this is how i deal with emotion and it tires me the fuck out,sometimes i beat myself up

Why am i such an emotional wreck

But in the end of it all i shed tears and they are worse than before.

My story dosent end here, writing this at work and controlling my emotions is a fucking chore.Anymore tears are going to stream down my cheeks.

Til the next time myself

Regards,

Sherrez

Learn to keep relying on yourself sherrez although it fucks you up inside

A man who is utterly useless in managing his feelings.

I have nothing good in my life

But i still have to carry on

Because its my duty and responsibilty wheter i like it or not

27/6/2018

#longpost

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

#personal #long post #dont read it tbh ily but if u do ilyt

[flyingcookierambles]

hhh

got afab’d at the eye doctor today arrgh

i wouldve corrected him but like. i doubt that ill go there again since it was like a super quick kinda-non emergency thing and i have a regular eye doctor i go to. also my mom was in the room and like. i didnt wanna bring it up with her there and all but like. uugh.

he just like immediately picked female on the gender option even tho there was an other option and everything wtf?????????????

hmmm also i had to go to the doctors for a quick check up/physical thing since im/my mom is going to make me get my drivers license and you have to have a doctors note and all and i went to my moms doctor or the first time since i aged out of my pediatrician. and like? they had me and my mom in the same room which was kinda weird???? like for the whole patient confidentiality thing (which wouldve been useless since like my mom knows more abt my medical history than me) and like also the whole. pandemic thing??? like?? it was me, my mom, and the nurse practitioner crammed into a tiny basic exam room?? maybe bc my mom has been going to this doctors’ office for a long time and also since we’re family, they must’ve figured taht we both dont have covid and couldnt spread it to each otehr like other random patients who are strangers to each other but still. it was. annoying.

the nurse asked me some questions about like my medical history. and all and i couldnt answer some of it bc i dont remember exact dates/times and stuff. but also she asked if i had been diagnosed with depression or anything and like if my mom wasnt in the room, i wanted to say that my mom wont let me see a therapist and/or be diagnosed. 

so like when i turned 18 i had a final check up at my former pediatrician before they kicked me out of the system lol. i am p sure that it was for shots and stuff that i needed for college???

anyways despite being 18, they had my mom in the room with me the whole time. and then they gave me a worksheet that was a basic “do you have depression” test. and the doctor left, but my mom was allowed to stay??? 

and like. since i was starting college and stuff at the time, and also was/am causing my lower middle class family great financial hardship in the form of college tuition and student loans with predatory interest rates and increasing the chances of losing our house bc, with the combo of my dad dying and the recession of the early 2000′s and general declining quality ever since earlier mentioned death, our family business sucks and we barely make any money. also my mom keeps complaining about this to me and it constantly hangs over my head and i feel guilty about being a dumbass who cant get a job and repay the stupid loans (how tf is interest rates on student loans legal??? fuck capitalism????) (uuughghgh i feel like my mom should get herself a therapist or smth instead of constantly complaining to her eldest agab child uuuhghghghgh. id make one of those eldest d*ughter jokes but im not a g*rl so eldest child lol)

anyways yeah so like 4 years ago when i was starting college and also today to a degree i felt like a massive piece of shit and had social anxiety and also probably depression that is only kept at bay by constantly distracting myself with anime and video game. and like. maybe??? i couldve benefited from talking to a therapist or counselor or getting medication????? instead of?? like?? whatever my obsession with anime and video games is???

buuuuuuut since the pediatrician let my mom stay in the room for some reason, my mom, a boomer who knows nothing of mental health and is kinda insensitive about it so its super cringe to talk to her abt stuff, was like “you’re not depressed. youre a middle class kid who’s never like starved or whatever. just answer 1 on everything.” (the scale of depression was like 1 - not feeling depressed much to 5 - i feel like this everyday.)

so yeah????? 

wow sorry doctor i cant answer half your questions about my medical history bc im either adopted and dont know my own genetics or my mom wont let me get tested for mental illness?????????????

once at 2018 or 19 tekko, i wanted to go into the dnd room and like i got so socially anxious i had a crying breakdown in the freaking hallway and had to like. sit down alone and try to look normal by playing my 3ds on the floor. like i hovered outside the door to the dnd room for a whole hour just like staring in and wanting to go in really badly but i couldnt???? i just???? cried????? in public????????? had a breakdown or something at an anime convention??????????????? i like dont even know what the heck happened 2 years ago or if that’s what it would be called but like????????? im pretty sure that mentally healthy people with no social anxiety problems dont stand outside a room for half an hour and then start crying bc you cant bring yourself to go into the room even tho the door is like wide open?????????? thankfully i finally just like went in and joined a the last game session of the day, but it was still like surreal to me?????? i just??? extremely loathed myself for like an hour for crying and not being able to walk thru a doorway it was so weird i felt like absolute garbage and im p sure that normal ppl dont go thru that??????

since i only make like. $11 an hour at a retail job im not really sure if i can even afford a therapist, and then theres also transportation and also the whole pandemic thing. but ive been thinking about like 7cups or something. there was also this other website that showed you therapists that were uniquely qualified for treating poc/queer/neurodivergent/etc., ppl in your area and there was surprisingly a few in the pittsburgh area that i could probs get to by bus, so maybe ill save money and go like. next year or something. or like. whenever the pandemic is over.

#idk man #rambles

[praesaepe]

current summary of my life rn: definitely gonna flunk two classes because i havent done work for them since the first two weeks of the semester, way behind on projects for another class, barely gonna pass math if i do at all. out to my parents, they dont hate me but my mom is still going to use she/her and call me “daughter” because transphobia. they only thing i “made” recently foodwise was some mac and cheese last night but other than that if i eat it’s sandwiches or hot pockets or other microwavable stuff. stayed up until like 5 am last night, slept in until like 2, felt exhausted by 4:30. just spent an hour watching vine compilations and thinking about how i wanted to just go lie on my bed. cant even imagine what winter break’s gonna be like, let alone next semester.

this is all my fault. im gonna flunk out of college nd im useless and such a disappointment. remember that period somewhere around senior year where i wasnt depressed? and i was so happy, and glad that i wsnt like that anymore. im sorry past me. im sorry i brought us back to this and then didnt reach out for help until  iwas way beyond fcked. i did this to you.

#rk.txt

[coolmiddlename]

adventure time season 7 part 1 review

aaaaaaaaaa

we finished the king of ooo arc!!!!!! all the way to the end of stakes!!!

anyway as u can tell from my excitement we had a blast. i think this is one of the most emotionally sincere parts of adventure time, and many of the episodes made me laugh far more than i ever did during season 6, so theyve very welcome. yeah, some eps at the start of season 7 are lacking laughs or visual cues due to lazy storyboarding, but there are plenty of excellent parts to make good for it... and the finale totally gripped me.

 lets go through the episodes and try to describe what i found exciting:

Bonnie and Neddy - theres just something really touching about this episode. seeing finn and jake in those armored suits is a little silly but good setbuilding for the king of monarchy the king of ooo is trying to run, and transitioning from finns description about the brilliance of the water to the king of ooo making a scam of it, pretty damn funny. but what was better was the backstory presented in this episode... bonnie descends from the mother gum into a new world full of promise and life, destiny child that she is, whereas neddy experiences terror and overstimulation. and seeing her just... worry about him, get sad when he didnt recognise her but protect him w the song and bring him home, man i loved it

Varmints - i dont think we ever got a bubbline episode THIS expressive before or since, not even in stakes. the humor was SO ON POINT that i was rolling on the ground while the emotional trains of thought the chars were going through was presented so well, there was no ambiguity that wasnt deliberately placed. king of ooo in the costumes was a nice chuckle and also set in place that peebles as a princess had waaaay more power than whatever the “king of ooo” was before to the extent he sees her clothes as symbols of that strength.  i swear hes literally named that by his parents. anyway shes in the denial/bargaining stage of grief and falls into the depression stage after her hat is stolen and she remembers everything she lost, also i love this ep cos they were so EXPRESSIVE. probably the best pb ep...ever? at least until season 8′s jelly beans have power. emotion is something deeply missing from stakes, which ill get into in a moment. 

the other three eps - i wanted 2 make a paragraph for each of the other three eps but they didnt stand out enough... HOWEVER, over time ive come to enjoy the strangely domestic nature of Dirt Beer Guy a lot more, also i like Mama Said for being a sweet lil Canyon ep that goes into what finn and jake think of their new job... Football was the most standout of all, just something unsettling about seeing bmo argue with its own inner psyche i mean football. enjoyable, uncomfortable, cute. 

Stakes - what a heartfelt insight into the past of marceline, her history as a vampire and perspective on the present... lets talk a bit about the strengths and weaknesses of stakes. 

I felt that the miniseries handled Marceline’s past as a vampire hunter, as a young girl who had just been abandoned, and as a toddler with her mother.... it pulled at the heartstrings in a way AT rarely does. my favourite part of this backstory was marceline’s relationship with the bunny girl, who weve come to believe is finn’s ancestor.   

i also felt it was glorious folowup to the season 6 ending and a pretty good use of having all the characters without any responsibilities to the candy kingdom. they went on a vampire hunting adventure together which was sweet.

my favourite scenes of the actual miniseries were the ones that involved the vampires... ice king not being brainwashed was a funny twist that i saw coming immediately, and marceline’s vengeance on her felt real, as did her struggle the moon was intimidating as heck and finn and jake were so bad at taking her out. the heirophant’s transformations were really cool, thanks emily partridge for that, and the VAMPIRE KING? hooo boy. star of the show. everything he did was just so wackyzany and unpredictable, and yet so meditated that it feels like he may be the greatest thinker in the show. he reminds me of zaheer, talking to a frustrated korra. since marceline looks and acts like korra throughout this miniseries the comparison is strong.

as for other elements, my favourite parts were the ones where pb either did something goofy or morbid or fucked up the king of ooo. if looks could kill... “A MONARCHY IS NOT A DEMOCRACY!!!” BAM. so satisfying.  and all the candy people hugging her, and her lil breakdown over marcy while pepbut prepares the magic. PEPPERMINT BUTLER, this miniseries sealed my love for him which only grew after Jelly Beans Have Power in season 8. 

the funiest part of this miniseries were finn and jake, and the best episode was Checkmate. the fart speech scene got so many laughs out of me and then peeblles joined in and said it waS EMERGENCY TALK ONLY AND THEN THE VAMPIRE KING HOLDS HIS NOSE OUT OF STENCH and yeah for all the above reasons, the vampire king, the humor,  Checkmate is the best episode. All of Finn and Jake’s other scenes were also amazing. they were fucking useless in this miniseries which, apparently, is where their humor shines most. 

...which leads to my CRITICISM: a lack of expression and humor during key scenes. this is mostly related to marceline, but also to bubblegum esp at the start. there were many scenes that held the same angle for to long where they were talking about their feelings, but their faces werent changing, and it was just... visually uninteresting, didnt feel as expressive as it could have been, especially after the brilliant faces in Varmints. marceline is usually such an expressive character, seeing her standing still and rambling was so meh. which is why her flashback scenes - so full of character - are superior to any scene shes in within the present day. i mean, jesus, she literally says she feels love for pb in the most deadpan and blande way. peebles can get away with it, cos she has some KILLER faces later (that one at the king of ooo) and has always been relatively expressionless, also her actions speak volumes. marceline’s strongest expressions (in the present) were when she desperately tried to kill the Empress and the Vampire King, which makes them my favourite scenes for her. 

i think Everything Stays is the defining song of adventure time. It encapsulates our experience with the whole show; AT usually builds up dramatic plots, only to anticlimactically return to the “status quo”, but what we realise later is that everyone is still affected, everyone is still changing. the princess has her kingdom back, but she’s not going to take her position for granted anymore, and has averted from her dark path for now. ice king is still the ice king, but he’s now building up some friends and finding genuine happiness in the land of ooo. finn lost his father again and got his arm back (for the time being), but he feels way less burdened by his emotions that he used to, far more grown. and the same goes for marceline... even though shes a vampire again, shes no longer as burdened by her past. she’s come to terms with it. 

even though the characters return back to normal at the end of stakes, islands, elements, the things they have gone through will remain with them and shape who they become. in recent times? we have been seeing the effects of Elements on the characters of Ooo. how far they’ve been affected we are yet to see, and im excited to find out. 

#adventure time #atimers #stakes #everything stays

[backtojuno]

yoooo ive been really inactive lately, ive been going through a lot of shit. under the readmore is a bunch of stuff i need to get off my chest/make sense of. just be warned, its really long

you can read it if you want but its mostly complaining and cursing

riiiiight so about 2 months ago shit hit the fucking fan. Ive had problems with my neck thats caused very, very bad headaches for maybe 5/6 years or so. mostly i wasnt able to get anything done about it, being dependent on 2 parents who are both very pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of people.in june though, i started working extra shifts at my job so i could pay for a chiropractor. and it worked, i had no headaches... for about a month. for a month after that the headaches came back, even though i was still seeing the chiropractor. AND FUCKING THEN

i was at work, my last weekend before i went on a 2-week trip to see my mom up in ohio! i was super excited. but also in a lot of pain too. most of the way through my shift i cracked my neck, a little bit too hard. all of a sudden i was floating about a foot over my head, i was getting hot flashes, and the left side of my throat went numb. of course, i panicked, told my manager and called my dad. my dad called his doctor and he said that since my hands/feet/anything werent tingling or anything like that I was alright, but i should still see a doctor. dad decided not to take me to the ER, but I was still goddamn scared. I still am, honestly. of course, this got more complicated. it was a saturday, so doctors offices were closed and wouldnt be open til monday, the day that id leave for ohio. it was a really hard decision but if i didnt get on the plane to ohio, i wouldve had to forfeit the trip entirely. so, i went to ohio and my mom set an appointment for thursday for a doctor.

i waited, we went, and i told my story to the doctor. she didnt do any tests on me, didnt even touch me. just said i had probably hit a nerve and that i was fine, and offered to prescribe medicine which i didnt want. EXCEPT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. the day after i went to the doctor i started feeling this pressure on the side of my throat,right in that fleshy part just underneath the back of your jaw.i thought and hoped it would go away. it fucking didnt. some days were better than others but on some days id be sightseeing with my family and id be silent, standing in a museum looking at The Plane that The Wright Brothers Themselves built, and trying not to panic bc the pressure in my throat was bad and it felt like i couldnt get enough air in. when i told my mom she told me to calm down. that did not help, at all. anyways, the rest of the trip passed and i flew home. EXCEPT. JESUS CHRIST. while i was on the plane, i was having a hard time popping my ear. I didnt have any gum (and i hate gum anyways bc of misophonia) so i ended up spending the entire plane ride moving my jaw to try and pressurize my ear. that, of course, ended up with me doing something to the right side of my jaw that makes it crackle and sometimes pop when i move it. it also hurts sometimes, which is weird bc the only jaw pain ive ever had was when i had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out at once. with the pressure in my throat though, it was kind of an afterthought at the time

anyways. since doctor #1 really hadnt done anything and i didnt have a primary doctor, i decided to go to the primary doctor my mom and sister went to when they still lived down here with me. its probably a good time to mention that that side of the family is the one im close to and im stuck here in florida for another year while i finish college. anyways. getting to him was a long wait but i got there and told him my story and he ordered some x rays of my neck and bloodwork, and prescribed me medicine. i waited for the tests and waited more for the follow up. looked at everything and told me everything was peachy keen, perfect except for a little bit of degeneration in my spinal vertebrae. it looked like things were kinda (really) out of his area of expertise, so he prescribed me a different medicine and a few sessions of physical therapy and recommended a nose & throat specialist to go to if the throat pressure didnt go away. i am goddamn lucky my dad offered to pay for my medical expenses. Doctor #3 was more or less useless.

on to doctor #3! he’s a neck specialist. i managed to get an appointment pretty quickly with him so i waited to see him. i didnt see him on the day of the appointment, but rather his assistant. she listened to my story (except that i forgot to tell her about the throat pressure thing. i s2g i go featherbrained around doctors) and then tested my arm and leg strength/mobility/general usefulness/whatever. then she ordered an mri of my neck. i waited for the mri, then waited again for the follow up. She, of course, said there was nothing wrong and when i remembered to tell her about the throat thing (which had still not gone away, 2 months later) she just looked kinda confused. she, like doctor #2, prescribed me a different medicine and a month of physical therapy. i think somewhere along the timeline of seeing doctor #3 my jaw started acting up again? i dont remember the exact timing of that but it hurt, and it sucked. my throat also started getting pretty uncomfortable when i talked, like i had to work harder to speak at a normal level. that also sucks when you work in a customer service job

so i managed to rule out that the throat thing wasnt bc of my neck and that my vertebrae werent gonna spontaneously combust or anything, i booked an apointment with the nose & throat specialist, which was on tuesday. by this time i was a damn mess. i still felt at times that i was having a hard time breathing and i really couldnt even think about it without going on the verge of a panic attack. 2 months and NO answers other than “huh, that’s weird” (the physical therapist literally told me that to my face). i had started to do research on my own for lack of anything better. that led me to eagle syndrome! which described exactly what i was feeling! (http://www.livingwitheagle.org/t/es-information-common-symptoms-and-possible-explanations-for-them/1389) and from what i read, there’s no cure! just analgesics and surgery, really. that really, really did not help- if you cant do anything then whats the point, right?

EX-FUCKING-CEPT. right around the time that i figured that out, i started having pain in my chest. i didnt know why it was happening (i later figured out that its bc when i sleep on my side i put too much pressure on my chest and it hurts me where my ribs and my sternum meet. it just decided to act up then). still though, i didnt know that at the time and let me tell you, when your chest starts hurting after youve been having whats more or less a 2-month-long constant panic attack, its goddamn TERRIFYING. i had lost my appetite a couple days before and had not been eating much, so i was weak and my heart was beating weirdly. i asked my dad what to do. he told me to call my primary, and they told me to go to the ER. i asked my dad to take me to the ER. his answer? “no, we’re going to an urgent care clinic”. the urgent care clinic, of course, couldnt do anything, while i sat there crying. (the doctor there, doctor #4, literally told me to just wait to see the nose & throat guy and that “i should try to be more composed when i see him”) meanwhile, when trying to talk about what ive been feeling to my parents, aka several mentions that i feel like im choking, i was just told to calm down. as if everything wasnt crumbling and going wrong.

so i waited until the appointment on tuesday. actually, no i didnt, i went into depression mode(TM), getting nothing done, and ended up in the doctors office an hour and a half before the appointment on the verge of tears. since it was uncomfortable to talk and something just outside of my throat had started hurting a week before, i had typed up my story (named “The Big Clusterfuck” on my computer). doctor #5 did some tests and mentioned eagle syndrome, even though i had only described it in the paper and not named it, and TMJ. he gave me prednisone for a week and told me to come back in a week. i feel bad for the man, i cried a lot.

ive managed to get my appetite back and have started eating again, and spent all of yesterday evacuating florida. i really, really hope the prednisone works. i dont know what im gonna do if it doesnt. if youre religious or do witchy stuff or whatever floats your boat, please send along a prayer or a spell or something. im not as bad as i was last week but im still Not Okay

#random crap #like if you read pls #the great clusterfuck 2k17

[celestialriptide]

taggy q’s!

Thank you my dear @commodorecliche for tagging me!

The rules: Answer these 85 q’s then tag some peeps!

I’m not sure who to tag, so I’ll just go with @ideal-mina and @viktorthicciforov and @authordrive and leave it at that for now

THE LAST 1. DRINK: sweet tea 2. PHONE CALL: the jakester/close friend 3. TEXT MESSAGE: maribae. check her outtttttt atttttt >>> :) :) :) @viktorthicciforov :) :) :) 4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART yall probably think im joking 5. TIME YOU CRIED: i dunno honestly i cry a lot 6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: i dont think ive technically dated anyone more than once 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: ehh 8. BEEN CHEATED ON: Yes. 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: Yeah. 10. BEEN DEPRESSED: um yes, i have depression  11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: oh of course 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. purple 13. blue 14. red IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yupperooskies 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: unfortunately. 17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: i think so 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: ooooooh yeah, man. 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: not particularly 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: not really no 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: i have not kissed someone in almost two years.

GENERAL 22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: like most of them. all except like 15? and even them i’ve known for 7 years. 23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: i live with five chihuahuas: Sasha, Clifford, Mika, Nora and Navi 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: yupp i’d love to see Ryn on my legal docs 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: i worked a 10 hour shift :) and then died :) im still bitter :) she wouldn’t let me leave :) because she bought a cake :) and didnt want it brought in until nearly :) 8pm :) even tho i had been there since 9 :) with no break :) on my fucking :) birthday :) 26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: uhhhhhhhh like 1pm lmao 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: i have the vague idea that i was reading, but i dont remember 11:30-1:15 28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: the void h a l l o w e e n 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: couple of hours ago, i still live at home 31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: the call of the void the ambient noise of living on a military base 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: yeah, i think he died a few years ago. i miss him. 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: being unemployed, living at home, not being independent, my mental state, lots of things 34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: i would say tumblr, but it’s ao3. 35. HAIR COLOUR: im a bleach blond, with brown roots bc im lazy and dont feel like upkeep 36. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: short, but still longer than i like 37. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: subtly screams: MARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 38. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: mnyeh. nothing really i reckon 39. PIERCINGS: i’ve got a standard tongue piercing, a monroe, right nostril, and then i’ve got 7/16th plugs 40. BLOOD TYPE: i honestly dont heckin know my guy 41. NICKNAME: uhm. void and, uh, vore. lmao. there’s probably more but these are the ones i see daily. 42. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: a single useless pringle, i think? i dont think im dating anyone, maybe 43. ZODIAC: im keith (scorpio power yall) 44. PRONOUNS: he/him pls pls pls 45. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: got that VLD and Rick & Morty grind yall GoT doesnt count its just part of my life at this point 46. TATTOOS: 3ish. This swirly star neverland skully thing on my left foot, a bird on my right shoulder, mars/moon/stars on my left wrist that matches my mother and oldest younger brother, and vaguelly some blotches of color on my right foot that dont count anymore because you cant really see them unless you Know. 47. RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: right handed, left hand can be used for some things. 48. SURGERY: galbladder, tonsils/adnoids, and wisdom teeth.

50. SPORT: i’ve never been a sport but i always enjoyed the idea of playing volleyball. 51. VACATION: all my vacations are home. @ tennessee whats good i miss you  52. PAIR OF TRAINERS: idk like the only shoes i own rn are like vans MORE GENERAL 53. EATING: i nothing atm, but i do love eating. 54. DRINKING: sweet tea 55. I’M ABOUT TO: bounce between writing some more and playing overwatch 56. WAITING FOR: the void to take me a job 57. WANT: to enter the void to take my longboard out, but it’s too hilly here and im still new 58. GET MARRIED: one day probably i like the idea of proposing to someone.

WHICH IS BETTER: 60. HUGS OR KISSES: meh. idk. depends on who i guess 61. LIPS OR EYES: can i get a uhhhhh b o t h 62. SHORTER OR TALLER: meh 63. OLDER OR YOUNGER: either or 64. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: i am a slut for some nice arms 65. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: idk. 66. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: little bit of both. im hesitantly a troublemaker. HAVE YOU EVER: 67. KISSED A STRANGER: neh. 68. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: ooohyes. 69. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: i lost 6 months worth of contacts once 70. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yesssssss 71. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: does it count if it wasnt a date at all, just hanging out that ended up there bc yes? but we didnt have a date so 72. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: idk maybe probably wait yeah sorry 73. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: ahahahaha yea 74. BEEN ARRESTED: nopers 75. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: vaguely. the concept of death is something that vaguely affects me. i generally end up crying a few months after the death, if at all 76. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: ye DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. YOURSELF: meh 78. MIRACLES: not exactly 79. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: lust, yes. love, no. 80. SANTA CLAUS: i believe that there was probably once a man that sparked the legend but santa as the current urban myth is a m y t h 81. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: sure 82. ANGELS: in a way. OTHER: 84. EYE COLOUR: hazel 85. FAVOURITE MOVIE: donnie darko or howls moving caste

#tag things #friends #friend tag #lindsey #thank you for tagging me these were really fun to answer???

[peanott]

92 Questions

@useless--mind thanks for tagging me bud!! i love doing these even if no one gives a shit

Last:

1. Drink: milk

2. Phone call: with my grandpa

3. Text message: “👀👀👀“

4. Song you listened to: ultra bra - kaunis ja ylpee 

5. Time I cried: cant remember the last time i properly cried (its not even a rare occurrence just doesnt pop into my mind wtf) but my eyes got wet like two hours ago bc my sister sent me silly pics with her baby and was just extraordinarily sweet love her :(

Have You:

 6. Dated someone twice: no

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope

8. Been cheated on: nah

9. Lost someone special: yeah

10. Been depressed: yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: unfortunately................

List Three Favorite Colors:

12. violet

13. baby blue

14. orange mayb

In The Last Year Have You:

15. Made new friends: ive got closer with a few people so kinda? 

16. Fallen out of love: wtf is this love ya keep talkin bout

17. Laughed until you cried: yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you: hahaha yeah 

19. Met someone who changed you: nah

20. Found out who your friends are: in a way? ive not been thinking about this profoundly at all but the way ive perceived some people has strengthened for better and worse which led into new relationship dynamics

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: not on the lips 

General:

22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: vast majority

23. Do you want to change your name: noo im used to it but at the same time it sometimes hits me that its ACTUALLY my name (its not even anything special i just have confusing thoughts) so it does keep me on my toes and wont get bored of it 

24. What did you do for your last birthday: I CANT REMEMBER lmao ok i dont think we celebrated it on my actual birthday at all bc it wasnt practical that way but i had my sisters over the day before

25. What time did you wake up: 7am cause i hate myseldf

26. What were you doing last night at midnight: drinking water at my friends so id sober up bc im a fucking idiot pls slap me thrice dont hate me 

27. Name something you can’t wait for: get used to the new school i go to in two days (yea i havent even started yet but i can feel the bricks im shitting for the next month or so)

28. When was the last time you saw your mom: an hour ago?

29. What is the one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wanna be able to enjoy living my life properly and take more risks without worrying all the time  

30. What are you listening to right now: partners in crime part three by the internet

31. Have you talked to a person named Tom: no?

32. Most visited website(s): twitter tumblr youtube how generic

Lost Questions:

33. Mole(s): i have three moles (on my temple, under eye, above eyebrow) that form a triangle i was so ecstatic when i discovered this like two years ago

34. Marks: what kind of?? i mean i have stretch marks one from vaccination but thats it i think

35. Childhood dream: either a fashion designer or a housewife lmao

36. Hair color: mYsTiC vIoLeT according to the hair dye idk its hard to describe a dark mix of brown n purple (and red?)

37. Do you have a crush on someone: no

38. What do you like about yourself: that im quite tolerant and considerate of others, how self-aware i am cause thats the only thing that will keep me sane, i can be funny and not take things that seriously but still have extensive opinions and  thoughts on everything

39. Piercings: both ears x2

40. Blood type: a(+ i think) 

41. Nicknames: vertsi or however you wanna twist it its fine i love it

42. Relationship Status: singley

43. Zodiac Sign: taurus

44. Pronouns: she/her

45. Favorite TV shows: oitnb, lie to me, htgawm, skins, drag race, the get down, black mirror

46. Tattoos: none

47. Right or Left hand: right

48. Surgery: none

49. Hair Dyed A Different Color: ye different variations of brown and purple

50. Vacation: last one was to budapest about three years ago

51. Pair Of Trainers: i stole a pair from my mum idk theyre black and pink or some shit

More Generals:

52. Eating: last time? a croissant 

53. Drinking: nothing rn 

54. I’m about to: finish this and then go to sleep

55. Waiting for: a pleasant surprise 

56. Want: a proper social life

57. Get married: idk i loved my sisters wedding but i wouldnt consider marriage a necessity from a romantic point of view. if i ever get married its probably for the legal stuff and the ceremony will be low-budget and simple 

58. Career: probably gonna do something with psychology or languages

Which Is Better:

59. Hugs or Kisses: hugs ?whats a kiss?

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Short or tall: idc!!! ok im kind of intimidated by tall people i feel like they could crush me in a heartbeat but maybe that adds into my excitement  

62. Older or younger: older for now at least

63. Nice arms or nice stomach: great the two body parts that barely hold any meaning to me good choice 

64. Sensitive or loud: im personally both (ok we gotta debate on the loud part with some people) but i think i value someone that is more likely to understand my own sensitivity so i guess sensitive it is

65. Hook up or relationship: relationship

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker sounds disgusting but i guess that since they would push my hesitant ass to do some stretching out of my comfort zone

Have You Ever:

67. Kissed a stranger: no

68. Had hard liquor: yes

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no

70. Turned someone down: kind of 

71. Sex on first date: no

72. Broken someone’s heart: naah

73. Had my heart broken: nope

74. Been arrested: no

75. Cried when someone died: yes

76. Fallen For a Friend: fgjhjh kinda... got over it fast tho cause it was impossible

Do You Believe In:

77. Yourself: No I Do Not Exist We Are Collectively Hallucinating Me 

78. Miracles: not really

79. Love at first sight: i believe you can sense if a person is compatible with you BUT ITS NOT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT YOU ARE JUST A PERCEPTIVE PERSON 

80. Santa Clause: obvs my Dad

81. Kiss on the first date: i dont think it has anything to do with belief if it feels right at that moment then do it 

82. Angels: um? havent you seen the axe commercial :/ 

83. Aliens: yes!!

Other Random Things:

84. Current Best Friend’s name: mira

85. Eye color: blue and grey or some shit

86. Favorite Movie: black swan

87. Hold an object dear to you: my phone love being a #relatable millennial 

88. Favorite Ice Cream Flavour: vanilla or lemon

89. Least favorite thing: when my clothes fall under my bed and then im too scared to dig them out 

90. Name one thing you could change about the world: no social injustice

91. Current Song stuck in your head: i know by fiona apple

92. Favorite Childhood show: powerpuff girls? idk i liked most of the shows from my childhood

jesus christ sorry this is a hot mess made by  someone who tries to function at 2am using their second language @nuddy-pants do this xx

[kim-donghyuns]

Rules // Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people tagged by: @imdifferentshadesofpurple

theres a lot coming up,, prepare urself

LAST…

[1] drink: ginger ale!!! 

[2] phone call: bailey

[3] text message: queen kat 

[4] song you listened to: rollercoaster - monsta x

[5] time you cried: maybe a few weeks ago?? 

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: no lmao why would anyone go near me anyways

[7] been cheated on: no

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: haha yes

[9] lost someone special: n o?

[10] been depressed: yeet 

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nop im a good noodle

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

[12] blue

[13] pink

[14] orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yessssss im so blessed i love mi pals so much 

[16] fallen out of love: no i will forever love mark tuan :^))))

[17] laughed until you cried: yes gjaiojgoijgao im so lame

[18] found out someone was talking about you: h haAa ye s

[19] met someone who changed you: yeeeeeeeeeeee

[20] found out who your true friends are: y e s fukccksjfc

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: i blocked them on facebook cya

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: like all of them ??? i only add people i know ???

[23] do you have any pets: no :(((((((((

[24] do you want to change your name: nah 

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: pizza!!! ice cream cake!!!! and i played pool !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[26] what time did you wake up: yikes like 2pm iosdjhoijdsh

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: playing league y i k e s

[28] name something you cannot wait for: GRADUATION !!!!

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: like 5 minutes ago

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i wasnt so hard on myself but even tho everyone tells me not to be hard on myself and like even tho i try to be nicer to myself its very difficult not to hate my art and stuff

[31] what are you listening to right now: oh boy - red velvet

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: no i dont think so?? lmao

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: ap lit homework is so stupid i actually hate it why did i take this class its actually useless i dont even need ap lit why did i do this to myself i just have to answer questions about othello but like i have to read my answers to the class tmr and im gonna sound like an idiot wHY di D I tAKE THI S FUkcin g cLASS

[34] most visited website: youtube ??

[35] elementary: kinda shit 

[36] high school: super shit

[37] college: IM EXCITED !!!!! i cant wait to pay to sit in a class with my fellow art majors while we all cry over our paintings 

[38] hair color: black 

[39] long or short hair: my hair is kinda short idk its like shoulder length 

[40] do you have a crush on someone: mark!!!! and ha minho

[41] what do you like about yourself: i try to make others happy by drawing them nice things

[42] piercings: nop

[43]blood type: thats a good question

[44] nickname: nat !

[45] relationship status: haha

[46] zodiac sign: pisces 

[47] pronouns: she/her

[48] fav tv show: uhhh i dont watch much tv anymore but i used to love the walking dead a lot 

[49] tattoos: i kinda want one but im a pussy akfhiodfhjadfh

[50] right or left hand: left !!!!

FIRST…

[51] surgery: nope

[52] piercing: i dont have any

[53] best friend: bailey ! its been like 14 ? years maybe ??

[54] sport: soccer lmaooo

[55] vacation: portland ??

[56] pair of trainers: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing but i just finished eating ice cream like 10 minutes ago?

[58] drinking: ginger ale a y e 

[59] i’m about to: draw probably but i should do my ap lit homework fuck

[60] listening to: easy love - sf9 

[61] waiting for: school to enddddd

[62] want: a hug that lasts for like an hour and i fucking want school to end pls hurry

[63] get married: i hope so

[64] career: im just a child let me live

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: both !!!!!!!!!!!!! im soft

[66] lips or eyes: eyes 

[67] shorter or taller: taller!! i love tall boys so much i 

[68] older or younger: older but like not too much older than me

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms kdoajoidh

[71] sensitive or loud: mmm idk im good with either 

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship 

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: adfkjodfhij idk hesitant ???

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? no im just a child !!!!

[75] drank hard liquor? i tried a bit 

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? nop

[77] turned someone down: yeahh

[78] sex on first date? NO IM A CHILD LET ME LIVE I 

[79] broken someone’s heart? yea :(((( 

[80] had your own heart broken? yea :((((((((((((((((((((

[81] been arrested? i am a child

[82] cried when someone died? yeah

[83] fallen for a friend? hnhgnnjsknkg ye a

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? hardly ever :^)

[85] miracles? idk 

[86] love at first sight? idk prob not ??

[87] Santa Claus? lmao not anymore :((

[88] kiss on the first date? depends i guess

[89] angels? uhhhhh n o ??? idk ahhh

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: i have a bunch of best friends itd be too many to list but one of their names is also natalie hahahahafudihdih

[91] eye color: dark brown lmao

[92] favorite movie: CORALINE !!!!!!!!!!!! the best movie ever the animation is so beautiful i m in tears 

tagging: @bubblejoy @ult2jae @bambama1 @jungnoir @honghearts @wassereis @jyum @jaebumsbb (yall dont have to!!)

#i just tagged a few random people #u guys dont have to do it !! #holy fuck this was long but thanks mo!!! u saved me from boredom for a bit #tag games

[i-wanna-be-cute]

make it stop make it stop make it all stop i cant take it anymore

Im sorry ive been venting so often but i genuinely am at my limit. I am a complete and total emotional wreck and heres why:

1. DYSPHORIA.

I have recently discovered i am trans, and this is a... Difficult thing to cope with, as my parents arent bad about it, per se, but arent very helpful. This, and the next point, have gotten so bad that I cant even take showers anymore without breaking down completely.

2. BODY IMAGE.

Ive always been sensetive about my appearance. Always. Weight, clothes, hair- the last time i was confident, i was around, what, five? Six? Its been a while. I am overweight- 100-something pounds- and that has always been something im very sensetive about. Moreso than anything. And of course, im too stubborn and lazy to do anything.

3. ABUSE.

No, im not being abused. Im the abuser. I am mentally and physically abusive to my little sister, a sweet, wonderful, sensetive kid who deserves the world and more. I am hypercritical, snarky, cynical, sarcastic, cold, and jerky to her any chance i get. And thats just the mental stuff. I regularly beat her till she cries.

4. DEPRESSION.

To put it simply; its kicking my ass. From ridiculous lows to not getting out of bed because i dont feel worth it, its a living hell. Especially recently. Everything is falling apart and i dont know if i can take much more. Im not gonna make it. Im just not. Im sorry.

5. SLEEP SCHEDULE.

Its shit. I stay up late, wake up late, get up late. Or, alternitively, i stay up all night and get up at 6:30. My mood is fucked, my appetite is fucked, my whole mental state is fucked. Im fucked. Im so sorry i wasnt stronger. Please dont miss me when i dont make it.

6. AUTISM.

Call me tv, cause im on the... Spectrum. Haha no really, i am. And its fucking suffering. I cant eat most things, i cant do a lot of stuff, i cant get out of bed some days because of sensory issues. Im genuinely a wreck that cant function. Im so, so sorry.

7. MY COMPUTER.

a while back, i fried the fucking thing. With a glass of water. Its dead. No one knows that, they just know that its broken. Hooray for me, i guess. None of my games, none of my art, *nothing.* Im completely lost. Broken. fucked. Ruined. Im a useless little kid.

And thats basically everything. Of course, i could go onto detail on traumas, but no one wants that i love yall stay hydrated x

#tw abuse mention #tw abuse #tw dysphoria

[americaiskillingitsyouth]

not been haveing a gd 1 m8

this is absolutely just me screaming into the void but my poor poor v good v nice friends have heard enough of my shit (they havent said bc theyre good and nice) but its not their job to listen to my bullshit 24hrs a day - so now its yours!  i don’t have a vent blog so all u lovely ppl who followed me for my posts about industrial music and irreverent memes now need to hear me whine! 

so since november i had myself a full nervous breakdown right? like we went from like non stop crying to hearing shit and seeing shit and being completely irrational and delusional it was terrible.  ive had the worst insomnia since i was bab; my parents used to take turns to rock me down the end of the garden so the other could sleep. that never got a lot better. i also have this jaw thing bc my dentist yanked my wisdom tooth with far too much gusto and oh my godddd when that jaw bone comes out of its house it FUCKING hurts and boy howdy u cannot sleep. the hospital ppl were p useless but they had a follow up, which i couldnt attend for reasons i shant go into (suffice it to say it was not my decision to not go).  ive also since i was like 12 had anxiety. like the all the time kind. like i dont actually give a fuck about anything but its the feeling of anxiety all the time. when i was in denmark the doctor said it was probably a good ol’ case of generalised anxiety disorder,  but i didnt live there long enough to be formally diagnosed, which means now im dealing with englands healthcare system - the very same one that told me after 2 years of constant anxiety “youll grow out of it”. like i wasnt some nebbish woody allen character i didnt give a single fuck about school, or what anyone thought of me but i was just anxious all the time. that is still the case. 

now the doctor i came to her all gross and depressed and hallucinating a bit back in november like “think im broken help?” and she was like “thats a really bad combo of shit to have - bet that’s shit - have some time on govt money and work on u.” i asked her how long itll take to get over this and she gave me an estimate of like 6 months based on how fucked up i was at the time. 

fast forward to now, and i keep feeling like im doing alright, but i also have this feeling like i feel guilty if i do anything i enjoy. dont get me wrong, the chores are getting done at an insane rate and ive learned about like SQL and other shit that is objectively boring bc i feel useless and i dont deserve to have a good time. i also dont enjoy anything anyway so theres no point in doing it - might as well do the hateful things. 

but like i applied for 14 jobs today that are far beneath me even tho i dont have to do anything at all bc i want the money to get fucked up at my own leisure and not have the credit score that is usually reserved for dead people. i am not going to let a hurty face and a nasty case of GAD fuck me up forever. 

u w8 m8, gimme a couple more months and i will be ready to take on my 3 biggest nemeses: gwynyth paltrow (i dont even care enough to look up how to spell her name), jamie oliver and elon musk in a cage match and win. 

but rn i feel sad and i feel pathetic bc everything is like i somehow forgot to ride a bike and am having to learn again. i hate it. i also dont know how to do a read more so sorry for this v long post. if u are a stranger and wanna offer a fellow stranger some words of encouragement that would be more than welcome bc i dont wanna make my friends have to deal w me anymore haha :/ 

#long post #tmj dysfunction #my bullshit life #i will be okay #but i need help #and im making arrangements to see a therapist dw #im not tryna be dramatic #i just needed somewhere where i could scream into the void haha

[myxoedema-blog]

LOOKING BACK ON 2018

31/12/2018

Its the final day of 2018. Before I talk about my resolutions, goals and aspirations. I would first like to reflect on 2018. I wanna figure out what went wrong and what went right and what lessons I can learn from it. It was definitely a mixed bag of a year. Neither good nor bad overall. 

IC3:

2018 was rough. I remember starting IC3 with a strong motivation to get my shit together. I had just finished IC2, which I had survived using a mind-fucking combination of Ritalin and weed. My brain felt fried. I felt helpless without drugs. From that moment on, I resolved to stop using Ritalin and depend solely on my sober brain to study. I felt helpless and weak. My mental health was shit. I started exercising 3 times a week: Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. My body actually got really hot towards the end, but a certain obsession with how one of my shoulders is higher than the other completely ruined it for me and made the gym a source of depression. I remember going back home after the gym and crying my heart out because my body is asymmetrical and I will never look the way I want to look. I smoked weed almost every night and it was the only thing holding me together at the time. Everything was under control until I had to stop preparing for the USMLEs, and thats where things started to go downhill. I simply was nowhere NEAR ready to take on a challenge as big as the USMLE. Not with having recently stopped taking mental stimulants, not with being barely held together with weed. Still, I resolved to take that exam. I planned and I planned and I tried my best to fit in some Pathoma studying in between my IC3 work. I even passed my diagnostic. I got through the first 2 thirds of that semester just fine. 

Then I started my medical research component. It threw me off balance. The nature of the work was not straightforward and quantifiable. No, it needed a lot of background research and emails back and forth and learning a completely new statistics program. I hated it. On top of that, I had decided to stop smoking weed. I know I had a problem. I was too dependant on it. Two days without it were enough render me completely numb and devoid of motivation. My attempts to quit failed. No, they backfired. I fell behind on my research work, I stopped exercising and I stopped studying for the USMLE. At that point, I also had to start studying for my long case exam. I refused to cut back on my work load and admit that I cant do it all. I can work on my research AND study for my long case AND study for USMLE. I just didnt know how to handle the situation because my depression kept getting worse and worse and soon enough I couldn't even leave the bed. 

I barely managed to get my research assignment done. By then, I had only 1 week to prepare for my long case. I wasted 5 of those helpless and depressed in bed. I should have reached out, should have screamed for help. But I didn't. Day number 6 I agreed to meet with Malak so that we can study together. I made the stupid mistake of taking LSD before meeting her because I thought it would give me some kind of focus and energy. Im not going to go into too much details but I ended up having a BAD trip in the college library and I had to ask Malak to escort me home. I spent 12 hours of HELL on my couch that day.

After my bad trip I woke up the next day. I met with malak again in the library (this time sober). We went through as many cases as we could. The following day was the exam. I did terrible. I ended up passing with a 50%. I would not have passed if it wasnt for malak. My case was a seizure and I wouldnt have known how to take a seizure history if she hadnt explained it to me. Anyways, Thats how the semester ended, on a very depressing note.

SUMMER VACATION: 

The idea for my summer vacation was simple: Stop smoking weed, start taking anti-depressants, study for USMLE and get my jaw surgery done. What happened was: The anti-depressants fucked me up. They made my depression worse, I slept all day. I did NOTHING for an entire month (June). After June I realised Its too late for me to starts studying for the USMLEs so I decided not to take the exam. I also stopped taking the anti-depressants as I felt like they were useless. Additionally, the surgeon decided that my teeth werent ready and so I couldnt even get my surgery done. I wanted to go back to Saudi but my passport, which I had mailed to get my Irish visa renewed had somehow gotten lost and I only got it back much later then intended so I couldn’t go back. I ended up going on a 10-day trip to Ibiza, Spain with a bunch of my friends where we drank a lot, smoked a lot of weed and did a LOT of drugs. It was fun, liberating almost.

And that was it. Then SC1 started and so far I did great in my OBS/GYN rotation and not so well in my GP rotation. I still have a chance to turn things around. To take my life into a new direction. To find success and happiness. I just need to carefully analyse the past and learn from my mistakes. 

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.