#ANYWAYS. I WILL GO BACK TO BEING SAD WHAT THE FUCK I CANT LISTEN TO THIS THEME 😢😭😭😭😭

[star-girl69]

Let Me Love You Like A Woman

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!AphroditeCabin!Reader

—-

synopsis: you and clarisse broke up two months ago, and when you’re selected to go on a mission together, clarisse just wants you to let her love you.

a/n: i feel feelings about this one….. anyways i hope you all enjoy!!

Let Me Love You Like A Woman - Lana Del Rey

******i want to make this clear: there is absolutely NO smut in this fic. terms like “fuck buddies” and “friends with benefits” are used but only bc i cant think of anything else lmao. all they do is makeout and it is suggestive at times but there is NO SMUT

warnings: this is so bad tbh, what is clarisse doing, she’s so confused my little ladybug, y/n my other ladybug is confused too, OH MY GOD THERES ONLY ONE BED, swearing, hate make out sessions but the hate is one sided, kissing obvi!, deep talks about our feelings which is hard for clarisse, angst, mentions of death blood and monsters, lovesick!! slightly desperate!!! clarisse my cutesy little ladybug, exes/enemies w benefits so like mentions of sex and such, very suggestive lol, as an actual server the restaurant scene hurt me to write lol, but for the plot, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

The Big House is the one place in camp you’re really unfamiliar with. It’s not like you haven’t been there before, it’s just you don’t go there that often.

And unknown places scare you.

There’s hiding places you don’t know about, blind spots you aren’t aware of- corners and small secrets and rules that you haven’t learned yet.

You make your way up the steps and through the porch, the familiar part- you pass by the infirmary and the random office no one uses- until you make it to the connected gondola Chiron and Mr. D. spend most of their time at.

You’re about to turn and enter when a familiar figure appears in front of you.

It hurts to think about how you’ll always know it’s her.

She seems just as shocked to see you but covers it up quickly.

“Y/N,” she smirks, looking you up and down.

You stop, go to turn around and march off in the other direction when you remember you can’t.

Clarisse La Rue doesn’t deserve the dirt under your feet, even though she would probably eat it if you asked- charmspeak used or not.

“Clarisse,” you mumble, and she frowns. You never really called her by her name when you dated, and you know it bothers her now to hear you say it.

That’s exactly why you do it, of course, but the part of you that knows everything about her and will always love her squeezes at the sight of her poorly-hidden sad face.

She’s been slipping up lately. It warms your heart to know that’s because of you.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, genuinely curious.

As a cabin leader, it’s not unusual for Clarisse to be here. But she knows you’re scared of the unknown, and she knows it’s just not in your routine to come here.

“Dunno,” you shrug. “Got called here.”

Her eyes light up. “How funny, so did I.”

You roll your eyes, fighting against the parts of your body that want to run towards her and the parts that want to run away. Instead, you listen to your brain and feel her staring at you as you turn the corner into the gondola.

“Y/N, Clarisse,” Chiron greets with a pleasant smile, setting down a hand of cards face-down. You almost laugh at Mr. D’s disappointed look- Chiron isn’t the trainer of demigods for no reason.

“Yeah, yeah, welcome,” Mr D says, seeming entirely uninterested. You both stand there slightly awkwardly.

Chiron is known to be blunt, so he of course jumps right in.

“We have a mission for the two of you.”

“The two of us? Like, just the two of us?”

The words come out before you can stop them, fingers twisting together and mouth slamming shut. You’re fine, you try to tell yourself, even though your mind and body agree on one thing- being too close to Clarisse will just lead you right back to her.

Clarisse tries to hide her hopeful smile, but you see through it. You loved her for so long, of course you see through it.

“Uh… yes,” Chiron says. You clench your fists.

Mr D seems interested now, especially after your outburst.

“Oh,” he laughs. “I see.” He gestures between the two of you, “there’s bad blood.”

Chiron presses his lips together.

“Nothing that doesn’t make us capable of going on this mission,” Clarisse says, taking a step forward. She smiles at you, but doesn’t make a move to touch you. At least she knows some limits, even if they don’t matter now.

“Well,” Chiron continues, seeming to regret his decision but deciding it’s too late. “Y/N. Your charmspeak, I feel, will be extremely important to this mission. And, Clarisse, daughter of Ares- your skills in battle are nothing to scoff at. There is an item I require the retrieval of. A friend left it in a P.o. box in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The journey is not particularly perilous, but being a demigod carries an affinity for danger.”

You nod, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I trust the two of you will be able to put aside your… ‘bad blood’ and complete your mission?”

Maybe this mission will be good for you. It certainly nowhere near the kleos of a quest, but more so gives you bonus points with Chiron. That could be helpful.

Clarisse looks at you.

“Oh, yes. Don’t worry.”

—-

“Y/N.”

You walk away from Clarisse pointedly, hoping she’ll take the hint.

You’ve decided you’ll do this quest. If you ever did want to be a cabin leader in the future- you either had to be well liked or the best. As a daughter of Aphrodite, you were already well liked- conversation and flattery came as easy to you as breathing.

Even before you learned how to use your charmspeak, you could sweet talk almost anyone into doing whatever you wanted. You really needed an A on that test? A few tears and some master manipulation- suddenly that A was yours.

But, Chiron needed to like you too.

You do this quest for him- which he choose you for- and then you earn even more of his respect.

It was such a simple exchange. It could be such a simple exchange, except if the girl hot on your heels wasn’t your partner.

She finally manages to grab your wrist and whip you back around so you’re facing her.

She smiles.

“I’ll always catch you, you know. No use in running, really.”

“At least I’ll go down fighting,” you say, looking anywhere but her eyes like portals that suck you in. She’s so close to you.

If this was the before you would wrap your arms around her neck and hers would go to your waist. Even if you were mad at her, she would press her body close to yours and kiss the corner of your lips- Clarisse made it her life’s mission to know every inch of you, and she succeeded. She would know the exact way to calm you down and get you to look at her and hear her out.

And most of the time you were being dramatic, or simply joking, and then she would kiss you and it would all be fine again.

Except it’s not the before. It’s the after, and your heart hurts being so close to her.

“What do you want, Clarisse?” you sigh.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

Your chest blazes. “Go talk to literally anyone else.”

Her face hardens.

“How many times do I have to tell you before you understand that you are the only person I care about?”

You rip your hand away from her grip.

“Shut up,” you hiss, turning and walking away.

“Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow at the gates,” you can feel her smile. “And then I’ll see you all on our mission, huh?”

“You’re crazy!”

—-

You walk into the Hermes cabin and fall face first onto your best friend Marley’s bed.

She looks up from her book and laughs.

“Oh, babe, what happened?” she asks, scratching the back of your scalp as you pull yourself up into your elbows and place your head in her lap.

“Mission,” you groan.

She stops. “A mission? For Chiron? Gods, Y/N that’s amazing-”

“With Clarisse.”

She takes her hand away from your scalp and moves to your chin, lifting you up.

As much as Clarisse hurt you and you hate her, Marley had always had a special sort of hatred for her. Even when you were happy and dating- you would tease her that maybe she’s actually a daughter of Ares, seeing how angry she was.

She was always overprotective, she insisted she just had a bad feeling about her- but eventually she stopped and you thought you could have it all.

“I’m sorry,” Marley laughs. “I don’t think I heard you right.”

You put your lips right up to her ear.

“MISSION WITH CLARISSE-”

“Y/N!” she yells and pushes you away, groaning as she holds her ear. “My ears are bleeding now, oh my Gods-”

“You’ll be fine,” you groan, settling back into her lap. “I’m the one who actually has to go with her.”

“Actually?” she whispers after a tense moment. “You actually have to go with her?”

“It’s fine,” you mumble.

“It’s not. Maybe I-I can talk to Chiron, or maybe I could come with you, huh?”

“No, thanks, Marls. It’s alright, really.”

She stares down at you, head tilted slightly to the side. Marley has always been exceptionally good at hiding her emotions. But you can tell she’s angry. She’s scared.

She’s your best friend and you will always love her in the most special way.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispers.

The Hermes cabin is always a bustle of activity. But when you’re just here with Marley, it’s the two of you. It’s perfect. It’s what you’ve always wanted- selfishly- to feel special. You feel special with her eyes on you, your head in her lap. She’s your best friend.

You put your hand on her face.

“As much as I hate it, we both know Clarisse won’t let anything happen to me. I’ll be safe.”

“Yeah, but what if she does something to you?”

What if she does absolutely nothing and you fall in love with her all over again?

You always thought that all that stuff about feeling your heart physically break couldn’t be true- but you know it is. You felt it break and every time you look at Clarisse and it can’t be like it was before your heart breaks a little more.

Clarisse acted like you were some big secret that was a chore to hide, and then when you were in her arms she would call you the prettiest girl. It was like whiplash, feeling her touch so tenderly and then not even being allowed to look at her in public. And you wanted so badly to tell everyone that she was yours and you were hers- but she just couldn’t.

And you don’t care about the reason behind that, not after that one night, not after she told you she could never love you.

She doesn’t really want you. She acts like she does, but she only misses you on the surface. Sure, you miss her body, but you miss your late night talks and the way she was always there to protect you, the way she made you feel. You like the person you are with her.

She wants an idea of you, she wants you under her, she wants power and control.

You think maybe a part of her really does regret losing you that night. But, she laid it all out that night. What she feels doesn’t make up for what she said. She doesn’t love you because she’s insecure, because she’s self-serving and power hungry.

She makes you feel stupid waiting for her, but why would you wait for someone else when you could wait for her to come back? You don’t like the unknown, and Clarisse is the one thing you really know.

You look into Marley’s eyes now.

“It will be good for me,” you whisper. “I’ll earn Chiron’s respect.”

Marley kisses your cheek.

“I know. I just don’t want you to go, and I know that makes me selfish but- still.”

“I know, Marls. I know,” you whisper. But this will be good for you, and it’s already been done. You already accepted it.

Marley helps you pack and you watch her anger. You watch her roughness, you watch the fire in her eyes- and Gods, does it make you feel special to have a friend like her.

You only wish you could make Clarisse feel like that too.

—-

The bus ride is boring.

Clarisse, for some merciful reason, decides not to torture you and instead throw her dagger up and down.

But you’re bored.

You’ve been reading a book Marley lended you, something boring and wonderfully distracting about the history of the four wind gods- you think about the wind and not about the way Clarisse’s thigh is pressed up next to yours.

It’s only been two months.

As much as you hate it, you won’t even admit it to Marley, but you’ll admit it to yourself in the quietness of the back of the bus.

You close the book and stuff it into your backpack.

You miss her.

“I’m bored,” you announce before you can second guess yourself.

“Okay,” Clarisse hums, picking at a speck of hardened dirt on her dagger. “I know a lot of things we could do to remedy that.”

Your cheeks flush, but you hold your ground. “I’m not going to kiss you. One, it smells like shit back here and two, we’re not dating anymore.”

“True, but doesn’t that just make it more fun?”

“What?”

Her hand moves to your thigh and you let yourself sink into the before.

“We aren’t supposed to- your best-fuckin’-friend would skin me alive. But we both know you want to.”

“I don’t want my lips anywhere near you.”

She just smiles at you, and you suddenly realize you’ve been staring into her eyes this entire time.

She takes her hand off of you and turns away, and this part of you aches so badly for the before- but it’s after. But she doesn’t love you and she just wants you.

But you want her too. You want her so bad, and maybe if you just let yourself sink into her one more time then you can move on. One good goodbye and you’ll be fine.

“Take a nap, then,” she suggests. “We still have another hour before the next rest stop, I’ll wake you up.”

“Okay,” you mumble, a part of you loathing listening to her, but a nap sounds good.

—-

You sleep the best you ever have since you broke up.

Clarisse was always sneaking into your bed, or you into hers, and she was always so warm and made you feel so safe. You always slept with her. And while you could still fall asleep fine without her- it just wasn’t the same.

You wake up to the sound of the bus doors opening and people talking around you.

“Y/N,” Clarisse whispers. “Wake up.”

You realize your head is on her shoulder.

You push her away from you, she just laughs and stands up.

“So stubborn,” she mumbles, leaning down to dig into her bag for the money Chiron gave you.

You resist the urge to say something snarky back, instead choosing to squeeze past her and out into the aisle.

She’s following behind you in a second, her bag zipping up and getting thrown back under the seat.

She’s right up in your ear.

“I know you hate me,” she whispers. “But you can’t just go running off. What if there was a monster right outside the doors?”

The two of you step off of the bus, the bright sunshine making your squint.

You pull up your shirt and pat your hip where your dagger rests.

“I’d kill it.”

You both know you probably couldn’t.

She laughs. “Is that the dagger I gave you?”

Your face freezes but you keep walking into the rest stop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you huff.

She sticks her fingers through the loop of your jeans and pulls you into an aisle filled with chips. You suddenly find a bag of Cheetos very interesting.

She looks at your face, into your eyes, and traces her fingers over the dagger’s handle.

“Hm, mine.”

You miss her so bad. You never knew it was possible to miss someone this much. You miss her body and her mind and her voice. You miss her hands and her lips and the way she made you feel.

You don’t pull away. How can you pull away?

It was easy to ignore her when she wasn’t right in front of you, but there’s this part of you that loves her and wants to believe her. Then there’s another part that wants to see her suffer like she did to you.

You push her off of you. “Don’t touch me.”

Again, she just smiles, and that’s really starting to piss you off.

—-

You’re somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania at a bus stop, waiting to cross the lonesome highway to the other side of the street where a train station awaits you.

“Are you okay?” Clarisse asks, and you realize she’s already stepped out onto the road and you’ve been staring off into nothing. You quickly follow her, half running across the road until you get to the sweet, sweet air conditioned station.

“Yeah, ‘m fine.”

In reality, you have to keep yourself distracted so you don’t fall back into her. You’ve decided it not about whether or not you love or want to hear her out- it’s about the way she kisses you and the way her skin feels against yours.

You can want her, here, where no one will know.

You’ll swear her to secrecy, and she’ll shut up just for the chance of more. And you don’t know if you’ll give it to her.

The station is oddly busy.

You have this horribly uneasy feeling.

You make your way into the line anyways, snatching the tickets from where they’re scrunched up in her hand, trying your best to flatten them again.

She laughs. You refuse to feel the way it makes your heart ache. You think about the other reasons she makes your heart ache.

You see something, shiny and black out of the corner of your eye. When you look over, the indented entrance to a janitor’s closet is marked in shadows.

But you trust yourself.

“I think I just saw something,” you whisper.

She still makes you feel safe. She’s one of the most talented warriors at camp and she loves you- even Marley admitted she won’t let anything happen to you.

She follows your gaze. And she doesn’t see anything.

“Okay,” she murmurs. She trusts you too. Her eyes flick between the shortening line and the shadows. “Maybe one more minute then we’re on the train.”

“Yeah,” you agree, slipping your hand into hers. You can hear her inhale sharply. She’s not phased by a potential monster, but you holding her hand makes her face flush.

Why is she so fucking confusing?

As far as you can tell, she just wants to be fuck buddies- so why is she blushing as you hold her hand?

She squeezes your hand, and Clarisse is right, you make it to the front of the line. The man checks your tickets and hole punches them, welcoming you back into the outdoors.

You look over your shoulder, and something shiny reflects in the sunlight, still in the shadows of the building.

“Clarisse.”

She seems to see it too.

“I can’t tell what it is,” you say.

She tugs you along. “I don’t want to find out.”

When you finally step foot onto the train you take your hand from Clarisse’s and look down at the tickets. Cabin 4A. It’s near the front, so you find it fairly quick- just a simple one room cabin.

You quickly barricade yourself inside, drawing the curtains and setting your stuff on the floor.

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“That was tense,” you mutter. Clarisse holds her wrist. She nods, staring down at your feet before sighing.

Somehow, it’s six o’clock. You dig into your snacks, neither of you feeling like leaving the safety of the cabin to go to the dining cart.

The train car has two benches facing each other, overhead storage and a large window. There’s practically no room in between the two benches- the car is maybe 5 feet wide.

You miss Marley. You could always talk to her from across the pavilion during a meal- entire conversations with just your eyes. You miss your siblings, their conversation filling up the silence. Here, there’s nothing.

It’s so silent, and yet it’s that comfortable silence with Clarisse. It makes you miss the before.

That’s all you’ve been doing- missing things and wishing they were different.

The train starts and you stare out the window, the rolling hills and the trees and the small creek. You can feel Clarisse looking at you. You try your best to ignore the way her gaze makes you feel- but you’re alone in this cabin. There’s no one else here. There’s no one else to know if you give in one time.

Something slams against the door.

You breathe in and Clarisse grabs her spear.

“Should I open it?” you whisper, standing up. She sticks out her spear to stop you from moving forward.

The two of you listen, but nothing else happens.

It wasn’t a knock. It sounded sort of like a ball being kicked into the door.

“I’m opening it,” you decide, curiosity killing you, pushing Clarisse’s spear aside.

“Y/N,” she warns, but you’ve already slid open the door.

Absolutely nothing is there. You look out the adjacent windows, down the hallways lined with red carpet.

You shrug. “Nothing’s here-”

It’s cold and scaly when it lands on you.

The same black shiny thing you saw, it’s slithering around your neck, cutting off your air supply immediately. You can’t even scream you’re too scared, hands clawing at your neck but it squeezes and one of its heads rears up to attack your chest-

Clarisse’s spear sails right through its raised head.

It drops, you fall back, gasping, watching as she pins it under her boot and lifts the spear out of it. It’s wriggling and trying to break free- but she stabs it through its other head.

It’s an amphisbaena. A horrible, scaly black snake-sort of thing with a head on each end.

You rub your chest, swallowing a lump in your throat as Clarisse casually picks up the now dead monster and opens the adjacent emergency exit window in the hallway- throwing it out into the middle of nowhere.

She turns back around, frowning at the blood coating the ends of her spear-

You slam into her. You’re breathing so heavily, you still feel like it’s around your neck, but Clarisse carefully wraps her arms around your waist, letting you lean against her as your shaky hands massage your neck.

No one would know.

Her spear falls to the floor.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s dead,” she whispers, kicking the cabin door closed with her foot.

No one would know.

“Thank you,” you breathe. “Oh, Gods, thank you, Clarisse.”

“No problem,” she says.

No one would know.

“Clar,” you mumble. She stiffens at the nickname. She tenderly brings one hand up to your face, and she wants you just as much as you want her- that’s all this is about. An exchange. You’ll kiss her for the last time and you’ll finally get over her.

“I know,” she mumbles, she feels the burning in her stomach too. You’re connected by that in this one moment, your mutual desire and need. Except she has a need for a new beginning, and you have a need for an end.

It’s so simple.

You both can get what you want from this trip.

“I know,” she says again, her nose touching yours. Your breaths mix in the air. “I know, I miss you so much… so bad, Y/N, you don’t…”

“Show me,” you whisper against her lips, and she does.

You can feel it all, the regret you don’t care about, and the desire and want and need you do care about.

You need to feel more of that. You need to feel special, so when your back hits the the door and her hands are all over you, you tilt your head back and look up at the ceiling, mouth twisted into a moan.

You need her to make you feel special. You don’t feel special without her, without her rough hands and her soft lips. It’s the one trait from your mother that you somewhat despise- the innate need to be the center, to be the focus, to feel special. She’s the only one who has ever made you feel like this.

No one else will ever come close.

“I hate you,” you breathe. You can’t think, all your walls are down. “I hate you so much and I still…. I still…”

She kisses you again so you don’t have to say it.

—-

The bed is scratchy and uncomfortable, but there’s only one- and it’s so tiny you’re pressed right up against Clarisse. She doesn’t wrap her arm around you, even though you wish she would, if only because you’re cold.

Not because you’re still irrecoverably in love with her and you know she won’t. And even if she does, it won’t be in the way you want it.

How can she kiss you like she loves you yet claim she never will? How can one kiss make you so weak in the knees that you’re genuinely considering doing this for any scrap of her you can get?

You stare up the ceiling for a long time, until you come to that weird space where you’re so tired you can’t move and your eyes are closed, but you’re still awake.

She wraps her arm around your waist and kisses your temple.

—-

The next time she kisses you you’ve gotten used to this whole making out with no strings thing.

You’re about to get off the train, so you tidy your stuff and head to the dining cart for pretty pastries and bagels and some fruit. On your way back, maybe 15 minutes left in your ride, someone in a uniform sees two teenage girls heading alone into a room.

When he asks where your parents are, can he see your tickets, you panic and charmspeak him to forget he ever saw this and walk away.

“Close,” you laugh, and Clarisse mumbles some sort of noncommittal agreement before smashing her lips onto yours.

You gasp but kiss her back, just reveling in having her hands on you. Her hands tangle in your hair, tugging back so she has better access to your neck- the side of it already sporting a hickey from last night.

“Did I ever tell you how fucking hot you are when you use your charmspeak?”

“I don’t know,” you mumble, because you can’t think of anything when her lips are on your neck.

—-

The station is luckily only 20 minutes away from the P.o. box, so the walk is quick through the streets of Myrtle Beach. It’s so loud here. There’s cars constantly whizzing past you, people yelling and honking, sirens in the distance. It’s confusing. It’s so different from Camp.

“I fucking hate this place,” you mumble, fidgeting with a loose string on your backpack.

“I do too,” Clarisse answers, but not for the same reasons. Her eyes whip around, searching for anything hiding in the shadows- but the sky is so blue and the sun makes your skin so warm- it seems unfathomable that any monsters would be here.

Of course, they’re here. They just haven’t come out yet.

Clarisse has been angry at the world for as long as you can remember, but you always thought her roughness balanced out with your softness. Ares and Aphrodite, love and war, peace and violence.

You always thought you could bring out that little bit of softness in her.

“On your left!”

Clarisse drags you out of the way just for a man on a bike to speed past you- your eyes flick to the perfectly usable bike lane on the street.

“Asshole,” you mutter.

“Asshole!” Clarisse shouts after him at the same time. He flips you off and continues shouting at more people to move.

Her hand is digging into your arm. She lets go after she huffs, muttering a few more choice words.

She keeps glaring at every honking car and random pedestrian. You roll your eyes when she yells at some random car to go die, laughing.

“Always fuckin’ honking,” she mutters. You know if she ever got behind the wheel, she would do the exact same thing.

“You’re not any better,” you tell her, nudging her hand that’s currently balled up into a fist.

“Yeah, well, I have a reason to be mad.”

Clarisse is angry at the world, but you know she has reasons. She’s not just angry for the sake of being angry, although she finds comfort in the familiar just like you, she is angry at the world that has done nothing but wrong her time and time again.

Sometimes you wish you could have as much fire in you as her. And two months ago, you thought she had enough fire in her for the both of us.

“Why don’t we grab the box and then go to lunch?” you suggest, getting the feeling that Clarisse is about to explode. She looks at you. “We have a few hours until our train back, hm?”

“Yeah, okay.”

—-

Chiron said this mission wasn’t going to be that dangerous, but you are surprised when it really is that easy. You take the key out from the envelope Chiron gave you, opening the blue box and coming out with a small box. It almost looks like some sort of fancy necklace- a long black box with a silver bow on the outside.

“This feels too easy,” Clarisse says as you lean down to carefully place it in your bag.

You shrug. “You’re always so paranoid, just let it all come naturally. Some things are easy, Clar.”

She stares at you for a moment.

“I guess,” she says, sticking out her hand to help you up before you both make your way back out onto the streets.

Her spear is hidden by the mist, strapped to her back, and you’re sure she has a bunch of little daggers strapped all over her. You scan the busy street.

Clarisse snorts at a restaurant called “Mother Earth Green Food” and her eyes light up at the sight of a 80’s style diner- “Mr. Steve’s Burgers and Bacon”.

“We’re going there,” she declares, and you roll your eyes but follow her across the street. It’s not that busy, seeing as it’s still early, so you’re seated quickly. It feels so good and so wrong to be here across from her like this.

It feels like before. Except some sort of alternate reality, where you actually left camp and got to be like this. You still want her and your trip’s not over yet, so you sink into it.

“Hey guys, I’m Miley and I’ll be your server today. What can I get you for drinks?”

She’s got long dirty blonde hair, tied up in two very neat and impressive space buns. Her skin is tan, but you suppose if she lives near the beach then everyone’s skin is tan, really.

“I really like your hair,” you tell her, pointing to the side of her head. She smiles and bounces one of them in her hand.

“Took me forever,” she chuckles. “I love yours, such a pretty color.” You cheeks blush as you thank her.

She smiles at you and goes off to get them, so you turn back to your menu. Clarisse’s foot taps against the floor.

“What are you thinking of getting?”

She sets her menu down and points to some sort of monstrous burger called “The Bomb.”

You laugh. “The Bomb,” you mock. “Will it explode in your stomach, or something?”

She mumbles something under her breath, staring off towards the counter, and you can tell by the look on her face it’s not anything nice.

“What was that?”

She presses her lips together. “Nothing,” she hums.

You shoot her an odd look but she pointedly looks away, and as much as you want to, you decide not to push.

Miley comes back with your drinks, and you thank her as she sets them down. Clarisse mumbles a thank you too after you kick her foot.

“Okay, and what can I get you guys to eat today?”

You have to kick Clarisse again to remind her to say please.

You smile apologetically up at Miley for Clarisse’s sour mood, but she seems not to care, smiling back at you and saying something about how she’ll make sure it’s out quick for you.

“‘I’ll make sure it comes out quick for you,’” Clarisse mocks, her voice a pitch higher.

“Yeah. Isn’t she so nice? And yet here you are treating her like shit.”

“She’s sucking up for a good tip.”

“Or maybe she’s just nice, Clarisse. There are nice people in the world, you know. Not everyone is all dark and brooding or bitchy.”

The silences stretches for a second too long. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

You hum, sitting on your hands and staring out the window. It’s times like this your miss your mortal childhood, having access to electronics meant you were never bored. You debate taking out the book Marley loaned you, but you don’t get the chance to.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Clarisse announces. “Come with me.” She’s already walking away.

“Who’s gonna watch our stuff?”

“Tell fuckin’ Miley to do it, I don’t care.”

You look around. There’s not many people in the restaurant, and you’re curious and bored- so you follow her. The door swings closed behind her, and it takes you a second to follow her in.

You think she’s disappeared, the bathroom empty with two open stalls. The door is kicked closed behind you. You turn around and Clarisse pushes you into the nearest bathroom, her hands on your waist- you moan in surprise, letting her flip the two of you around and press you against the door, her hand leaving your waist to make quick work of the lock.

“Clarisse,” you breathe. “What’s going on?”

“Do you want me to stop?”

You don’t answer and she kisses you deeper.

—-

“Clarisse.”

She’s been smiling at your neck a little too obviously, and when she finally lets you out from under her lips and hands, you immediately turn around and head for the mirror.

“Clarisse,” you repeat.

She’s looking at you in the mirror and smiling. Actually fucking smiling.

“What is wrong with you?!” you yell, turning on the cold water and frantically bringing it to the red hickies on your neck. “Are you a vampire? Oh, my Gods, Clarisse, this is so fucking embarrassing!”

“It’s not,” she huffs. “You’ll be fine.”

“Cl-” but she’s already left. She really has to stop doing that.

—-

Lunch is fine, you leave Miley a nice tip, even though Clarisse scoffs and mumbles that she wasn’t that good- but you feel so bad that she had to watch you wiggle in your seat, desperately trying to hide your neck as Clarisse ran her foot up and down the side of your leg.

You ignore her the entire walk to the station, she barely hides the smug look on her face. Is she just intent on making you seem stupid and weak? Does she want to embarrass you? She knows. She knows you’re still in love with her and she’s playing you like a fiddle.

You thought Clarisse to be a lot of things, and you know she’s cruel and ruthless- but you never thought she could be this way towards you.

You make it onto the train with no problems, and you’re desperate to just get out of this place and back to camp where you can ignore her. You had one last final hurrah, and now you need to forget her.

You stare pointedly out the window. You ate dinner in the dining cart in silence, Clarisse didn’t try to touch you again, but she seems bored of letting you sulk now that there’s nothing else to entertain her.

It’s only about 7:00 pm- you still have an entire night with her, and a bus ride the next day. Why are the Gods torturing you like this?

“Y/N,” Clarisse says. You’re sitting across from each other. Her foot kicks at yours. “C’mere,” she pats the space next to her on the bench.

You snort. “You’re crazy. I’m not sitting near you.”

She shrugs and stands up, sitting next to you while you gasp in exasperation.

“Bitch,” you mumble, clenching your fists at you stand. She plants her hand on the window, trapping you in with her arm.

“Don’t be mean.”

You fold your arms and stare out the window. She’s right at your shoulder, whispering in your ear even though your alone- it makes you feel so special your head gets all dizzy.

“I want you, Y/N.” Not the way you want her.

“I. Don’t. Care.”

She laughs. You can see her reflection in the mirror, she’s laughing and smiling fondly- staring at you.

You whip around and point your finger at her.

“I won’t let you treat me like a rag doll anymore.”

Her smile falls.

“I used to be something you could just swing around, but I’m not anymore. I won’t ever be a toy for you, Clarisse. These past two days were fun, but they were goodbye. When we get back to Camp I’m getting over you, because I’ve spent too much time waiting for you.”

Her hand falls from the window, and she backs away from you.

—-

When you realize that this train also features another small, single bed, you resist the urge to stomp your feet like a child. Instead, you pretend like it’s all fine, a part of you pretends it’s that alternate before- Clarisse turning around while you change and you leave to brush your teeth and then you come back to her in bed.

You lay down, body unwillingly pressed up against hers. She doesn’t touch you, at least, and it’s tense and silent until she breaks it. Her hand finds yours through the sheets and blankets.

“Y/N.”

You try to shake her hand off of you, mumbling that she’s using your tiredness to manipulate you.

“Do you really think that’s all you were to me?”

You’re frozen, she’s right up against your back, breath tickling your shoulder and voice in your ear again.

Your hand still fits perfectly in hers.

“A toy?”

“What else was I supposed to think?”

She utters the two words you never thought you would hear her say.

“I’m sorry.”

Your breathe hitches.

“I-I know I’ve been stupid, I’m not totally dumb. I just, I had it in my head that I could make you fall in love with me all over again. And then I could do it right, I could fix it, and you could teach me how to love you and I would do it right, Y/N. And then I… I got jealous. Because that fucking server was flirting with you, she was, and I got fucking jealous and I fucked it all up.”

She’s breathing heavily at your shoulder.

“I was scared, Y/N. And that… I didn’t know how to deal with that. I was scared because I love you so much I know I would do anything you asked me too. So, I said those stupid things that night, I just lied because I was scared, and I’ll never forgive myself for the way I made you feel. I don’t deserve another chance, but I want to show you that I can do it right. I can do it however you want me too, as long as you teach me.”

It’s silent for a moment.

“I want you to let me love you.”

She lets go of your hand.

“You don’t have to say anything, I guess,” she swallows. “I mean, if I was you I would have killed me-”

“Really?” you voice comes out like a broken whisper, sitting up so you can look into her eyes. You try to tell if she’s lying, but you can’t. It hurts and it aches so good and she’s not lying.

“Y-yeah, I would have killed me.”

You smile. “No, dumbass, do you really love me?”

“Oh,” she blinks, sitting up too. “Y/N, I love you so much that I’ll never be the same person again.”

You don’t want to kiss her. All you’ve been doing is kissing her, sinking into that hard and rough side of your relationship that’s just hot desire.

But there’s a soft part to Clarisse that you bring out. And you bring it out now, winding your arms around her neck, breathing heavily as you rest your head on her shoulder. She hugs you, her arms are so strong, she always gives the best hugs- and kisses your temple like she did when she thought you were sleeping.

She loved you even when she didn’t know you would feel it.

Your fingers dig into her back.

“I love you,” she says again, softly, like she’s caressing the words with such a reverence that they were bathed in golden ichor. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too,” you say back, you let her love you, and it’s the most true thing you’ve ever known.

—-

“Ah, young warriors!” Chiron says, holding his hands out.

Of course, on the tail end of your trip you had encountered tons of little monsters- more amphisbaena, even a juvenile drakon that could barely spit acid. Clarisse had made a dazzling show of killing all of them, and unlike the first amphisbaena- none of them got close enough to touch you.

You had to charmspeak the train conductor, the police officer at the station, and the bus driver. You wonder faintly if your mother had been looking out for you, helping you love Clarisse again.

Of course, all of those instances ended in Clarisse pulling you into the nearest corner.

It’s different, now that you know that you live each other. She still kisses you with that rough deepness, like she’s starved, like she’s trying to breathe you in, but her hands are so soft around you. She holds your waist close to you, not like she just wants to feel you body, but like she just wants to be close to you.

You swing your backpack off of your shoulder, you can feel your mascara smeared down your face from the heat, digging into your bag for the black box.

Chiron smiles and holds his hands out for you to place them in. “You have my thanks,” he says, laying the box into his hand.

You’re surprised when all he does is take out a simple pen. It looks like a nice pen, sure, but still just a pen.

He uncaps it, letting it fall to the concrete, when it suddenly transforms into a sword. You yelp and jump back, Clarisse puts her arm in front of you, and Chiron laughs triumphantly.

“Beautiful!” he says, admiring the carefully crafted sword.

Mr. D dissolves into a fit of laughter. “No more bad blood, huh?”

Clarisse drops her hand from where it reaches for her spear, and her other arm from across your body. Her hands drop to her sides, her face turns back into a mask of indifference and she shrugs.

Mr. D seems to find that even more funny, and Chiron dismisses you with a wave of his hand, staring in awe at the silver sword.

Clarisse presses her lips together into a tight line until you smack a kiss on her cheek.

“Love you,” you sing, and her face breaks out into a wide smile. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, and it’s the only thing you ever want to know. All you need to know is her and her love.

—-

marley when she finds out clarisse and y/n are dating again: if you EVER and i mean EVER hurt her again i will torture you in ways not even imagined yet.

clarisse: ok yes i promise 😟😟

—-

clarisse when she realized she was in love with y/n: NO NO NO NO NEW FEELINGS NO I REJECT THIS AND I MUST RUN AWAY IN FACT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

also clarisse when she realized she just broke up with y/n: OH GODS NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WHAT HAVE I DONE NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO NO NO

—-

honorable mention to y/n fuck em’ and hate em’ l/n

another honorable mention to clarisse “none of them got close enough to hurt you” la rue

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish

@sincerely-silk @lacytalks

—-

pls ignore it’s for the acc aesthetics thank you!!

#clarisse la rue #clarisse la rue x reader #clarisse la rue x y/n #clarisse la rue x you #pjo tv show #pjo x reader

[diejager]

reader who still tries to get her mom to know whats happening to her, what they're doing to her, but her mom refuses to notice. reader getting so sad about this and konig/horangi seeing a chance of make her feel even more helpless. könig who smirk when he sees reader crying again because her mom doesn't even want to listen that her husband is being weird with her daughter :( horangi cooing in fake sympathy while he brutally fucks her that her mom will never listen to her, that konig is much more important to her mom than her. anyway i think they are sooooo sick and twisted every opportunity they have to make her feel bad and helpless they will take advantage of! she cant ever escape them >:)

Cw: DARKFIC, DUB-CON/NON-CON, STEPCEST, age gap, spanking, dracryphilia, spitroast, creampie, unprotected sex, PinV, rough sex, degradation, condensation, tell me if I misse any.

Every attempt to bring to light their obsession and disgusting acts are met with roughness punishment, their jarringly, cruel chuckles and the mercilessness of their rough hands. König did most of the punishing with Horangi as his accomplice, holding your feet down on your bed while you were laid over König’s lap, his wide and hot palm soothing your naked ass. He was your stepfather, it was only natural that he did the reprimanding, scolding his baby for causing trouble for him and his friend.

He always smoothed the skin before landing a hit, your ass jostling with every hit that had you jerking and hissing, before he smoothed it over again. Spanking you was his go-to punishment when you acted out, pain was a better deterrent than pleasure and bribes were, you reacted to it more strongly than a good and hard fucking. He’d land one hard and two gentler ones on your left cheek, caressing it tenderly before doing the same to your right one, it was a rinse and repeat act. They cooed and laughed at you, scolding you with condescending tones that would - hopefully - put you in your place. You cried, sobs that rendered them unable to stop themselves from slipping a finger in while you were being spanked, your cheeks tear-strained and your ass swollen and bruised.

You probably wouldn’t be able to sit without hissing for the next few days while the bruises subsided and the pain would linger for a longer period because they were so rough with you, picking you up and making you ride them until they came. Your body hurt and you were tired, your legs numbed and walls milking them dry, labia swollen and cervix battered by your stepdad’s thick and veiny cock with his unusually large girth from tip to base.

It didn’t help that your tears and sobs only excited them, their taunts and insults burning your skin as much as the flush of your cheeks burned you with shame. It proved as an incentive to plough into you harder as your depressive murmurs and your feelings of helplessness, their hips driving harshly into you with greater enthusiasm, loud and wet slaps echoing in the empty house.

“Don’t cry, 애인,” Horangi smiled, a mock of sympathy in his eyes, glazed over with sadistic glee, “I know, but you’ll choke.” [sweetheart.]

He pushed his cock deeper, your nose tickled by his dirty pubes, wet with slick and drool, smelling musky with a smell of sex and sweat. You retched loudly when König pushed you harshly into Horangi, the tip of his cut cock tapping the back of your throat where it laid heavily on the fla tof your tongue. He gripped your hair, fingers digging into your scalp to hold you still while König bucked into you, pounding Horangi’s cum out of your cunt from he sides, his cock so thick that it took all the space. You gagged, squirming wildly under them with fresh tears down your face, you couldn’t breathe with him down your throat, his length stopping you from taking in much-needed air into your dazed mind.

“Fuck, just a bit more,” Horangi groaned, throwing his head back as he came down your throat, gushing from the tip of his leaky cock. “You look so pretty crying.”

You chocked around him, throat closing to swallow down the cum that trickled down to prevent yourself from drowning in his salty and tangy cream. A part of it exploded out, your cheeks swelling until it couldn’t take anymore, white cream dripping down your spread lips and chin, drawing a filthy line on your body and onto your couch. You were cross-eyed, back arched and body limp between them, using the armrest and your stepdad’s grip as your support stay on your knees, legs quacking with every rough thrust from him, punching what little air was left in your chest.

“Scheiße, the prettiest,” König heaved loudly, pressing his sweaty chest to you back, head over your shoulder while he whispered filthy things he wanted to do to you when you were crying and sad that you mother couldn’t see the darkness in them or how awful their treated you. He rutted into you with ferocity, teeth grinding, pushed onward with Horangi’s encouraging words, his convoluted thoughts for a future with you between them, “Unser hübscher Schatzi.” [Shit, the prettiest. Our pretty darling.]

Taglist: @sae1kie @yeoldedumbslut @bvxygriimes @distracteddragoness @konigsblog @havoc973 @im-making-an-effort @daisychainsinknots @0alk0msan @danielle143 @dont-mind-me-just-existing-sadly @tuttifuckinfruttifriday @kaelysia @notspiders @velvetsoulweaver @petwifed @aldis-nuts @randominstake

#x reader #cod mw2 #cod mw2 x reader #konig x reader #konig mw2 #mw2 smut #dead dove do not eat #dark cod #tw: dark content #dark content #stepdad!konig #Stepdad!könig #Dbf!horangi #tw: noncon #tw: stepcest #tw: dubcon #tw: dubious consent #tw: non con #tw: age gap #konig #konig x you #konig smut #könig x reader #könig smut #könig mw2 #könig cod #horangi #horangi x reader #horangi mw2 #horangi smut

[qtboni]

hi AGAIN.

ugh i cant get out of your fucking page. its like i live here like a rat

im back, hi, have another req bc i just thought of it and needed it in my veins.

how about some comfort from fatherfigure!price? like reader is sad kinda and he helps? maybe reader "accidentally" calls him dad, nothing to /srs

(im mentally okay i swear😭)

idk if you even do price tbh, i haven't seen it on your page tho

anyways i needed to write this somewhere or ill forget and like wither away into nothing or sum shit

im being dramatic. i think.

okay thats it bye bye dearest boni.

(sorry im constently blowing up your asks😭😭)

HAI LOVIE !! THIS WAS SO FUNNY TO WRITE AGHSHS ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LOMG OMG.

╰﹒ 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐃 𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 ?

PAIRING: Captain 'John' Price X Reader

C/W: comfort & humor! + gn!reader, explicit words, price playin' wit chu, somebody ate your cake (it was soap don't tell him tho /hj)

W/C: 1.3k

"What's got you looking so down today, sergeant?" Captain Price asked in his usual stern voice as he entered the living room, noticing the dejected look on your face.

You had been sitting on the sofa for hours now, cleaning your holster and moping around. He approached you with a glass of water in hand.

"Somebody ate my cake," you slowly replied, your voice heavy with emotion. You didn't usually get sad over such small things, but today, you feel so tired.

"Are you telling me that you're this upset over a slice of cake?" he asked, a hint of amusement in his tone. Captain Price raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised to hear something like that coming from you.

"I guess I am," you said, your voice barely audible. You shrugged and looked down at your holster, not wanting to admit to being such a crybaby. "I was saving it for this specific rest day to ... indulge myself with sweets.."

Captain Price's expression softened as he placed the glass of water down next to you. He sat down on the sofa next to you and put an arm around your shoulders.

"Listen, sergeant," he said in a comforting tone, "It's okay to be upset about something. Everyone has their own quirks and things that are important to them. And in our line of work, we need to be able to deal with any situation and not let little stuff like this get us down."

"Thanks, Cap'," you said, a hint of embarrassment in your voice. You smiled at him, grateful for the reassurance.

"Any time," He replied with a soft smile. He then stood up and left the room, returning a few minutes later with two fairly large cookies, handing it to you. "Here, this should cheer you up."

"No way," You were overjoyed, your face lighting up with a smile.

"Yes way," He replied, playfully eyeing the cookies then to you. "Have it, yeah?"

"Dad, oh my god," You squealed excitedly, taking a bite out of the cookie, savoring the taste of the sweetness and the tenderness. "This is so sweet of you. Thank you so much!"

Oh no. Dad? Did you just call your captain, 'dad'?

Avoiding the embarrassment of calling your captain 'dad' in a moment of vulnerability, you silently prayed that he hadn't heard it. This was going to be awkward, and the thought of having to explain yourself was making you cringe.

Just play it off...

Now as much as Price wants to give you the other cookie for you to eat, he retracted his hand away from your grabby hands, not letting you get one.

"Cap?" Your hands stay levitated, clearly ready to munch on the cookie on your Captain's grip.

Did he caught on?

"Hm?"

You had to think fast. Change the subject before things got too awkward!

"Are.. are you going to eat that?"

"Nope."

"Then why- actually no, just- isn't that for me?"

"Correct," He chuckles as he continued dangling the pastry infront of you.

Silence.

You stared at him incredulously, your hand visibly itching to just pounce on the cookie and munch on it.

What was your captain doing?

"See, the funny thing is, kid," He trailed off as he waves the cookie back and forth with his hand up in the air. He smirks when your eyes followed the cookie's movement. "I haven't thought much of being a father."

Shit. Play it off...

You hummed in confusion, tilting your head in curiosity.

Where was he going with this? And also, can he just give you the cookie? After all, he gave it to you, right?

Just give me the cookie, dammit.

"Let alone..." He paused and looked at you in the eyes. Shit. "Someone calling me one, aye?"

You feel like you could sink into the ground and vanish from existence. The embarrassment was too much to bear!

"...Who?"

Bye.

Captain Price chuckles at you, "Don't play dumb on me now, sergeant."

Your mind is racing, trying to think of something to say. You stuttered a reply, "I- Capta-"

But before you know it, he interrupts your thoughts with his sharp wit.

"Oh? It was 'Dad' a second ago, wasn't it?" He retorded with a proud smirk playing across his lips, looking at you with an air of amusement and teasing. He knows exactly what to say to get under your skin and he's not afraid to use it to his advantage.

It's clear that he wants an answer, but all you can do is sputter a few incoherent words before retreating back into your shell. You feel a mix of embarrassment and frustration, wishing you could come up with a clever come-back, but the only thing that's clear right now is that Price has you stumped.

"Sergeant?" He calls out to you teasingly, awaiting for your reply to his question.

"Mhm?" You can feel your ears slowly turning red as your Captain's teasing hits a nerve. You can't seem to quite meet his eyes, instead looking at the ground with an embarrassed blush. You fidget with the straps of your holster, unable to quite figure out how to respond.

"Wasn't it 'Dad' a second ago?" Captain Price repeated as he raised an eyebrow, looking at you with a mix of amusement and confusion.

You blush in embarrassment as you realize he wouldn't let you get off easily withyour slip-up. You look down at the ground.

"I'm sorry, sir," You quickly clear your throat, hoping to regain your composure. Still unable to break your gaze from the floor, you mutter, "It won't happen again."

Suddenly, the cookie appeared in your line of vision that was still situated at the ground. You heard your captain sigh and tutted, drawing your attention back to him.

The cookie! The cookie?

He held the cookie out to you, a small smile playing on his lips as he waited for you to accept it. You were initially taken aback, feeling a surge of warmth and gratitude toward your captain.

"Didn't ask for an apology, kid," He said with a playful frown, seemingly amused by the situation. He took your hand and placed the cookie on it, his gaze locking onto yours. "Was just surprised is all, hm?"

"Still," You cleared you throat as straightened your posture and looked up at him, albeit still feeling the sting of embarrassment. "It's my bad."

"Mhm," He hummed softly and raised his hand up to your head. He gently pats your head affectionately, yet his hand ruffled your hair, leaving it disheveled. "Whatever floats your boat, kid."

The soft pat on your head sends shivers down your spine, and you give him a grateful smile.

"Thanks, Cap', again." You beemed up with a smile, raising the cookie to his vision.

He gives a small nod before turning to leave, leaving you with a sense of warmth and contentment that stays with you long after he's gone. You watch as he offered a small wave goodbye and you respond the same, feeling a sense of gratitude for his kindnesses and understanding.

You were about to take a bite out of the delicious cookie he had given you. But just as you were about to revel in the sweet taste, you heard his voice once more calling out to you and startling you.

Turning around, you saw him standing there infront of the doorway, his eyes gleaming with mischief as he continued to speak.

"Though," he began, his voice low but full of laughter spilling through, "The cake's delicious, kid. Would have it again, 10 out of 10," he finished with a wink, and you couldn't help but gape at his leaving form.

What.

"Motherfuc-"

navi / masterlist

#HELP I CANT #this is making me rofl #LMAO 'ROFL' #👾 — [bonnie’s wk] #captain price x you #captain john price x reader #captain price x reader #captain john price #cod x reader #cod x you #call of duty #call of duty x reader #john price x you #john price x reader #john price #price x reader #captain price #captain price x y/n #captain johnathan price #captain john price x you #tf 141 x reader #tf 141 #task force 141 x reader #task force 141 #john price x y/n #cod fanfic #cod modern warfare #cod #barry sloane #price cod

[yanderesimp2000]

Extreme Yandere Adam x Fem reader Chap 1/5 Start of your new life !MINORS STAY AWAY!

(hey this is my first post here Just wanna say my english might be bad since I'm from Armenia but I'm excited to post here I USED ALOT OF INSPO FROM OTHER ADAM WRITES TO here are the TWS

Kidnapping, Adam being an incel as usual, threats of violence , Degrading, Manipluation, Violence, Noncon listener, threats of SA ,Gasliting, narcissism and rape if that's not your cup of tea SCROLL

Your are an angel You made it into Heaven recently Heaven would be like a paradise but is kinda like your old life in the big city You have to get a job buy things and Just deal with the classic shit of reality even though your in the FUCKING PROMISELAND

You decided to just be what you did back in Yerevan city and just be a secretary but it was the person to hire you that was strange it was Adam the First man when you met him you expected him to be some wise, kind and Gentle soul but instead you got a creepy, weird man child that you needed to cater to at every Second, Like you could just be standing in Adams office when he says "hey bitch bring me that soda bottle" the bottle was 2 inches out of reach. It seemed like he took pleasure in seeing you be miserable he always said "good girl good good girly" LIKE YOU ARE A FUCKING PET

Every second of your time with Adam was hell he was rude gross and was a FUCKING MISOGYNIST today while you were giving him a back massage he said "yes good girly" again as usual like you were a fucking pet but then he said "that's all you women are good for to serve men" this Made you even more angry but hey the pay is good and that Leeds to today You walk in sad as usual into Adam mansion when he starts making comments about something your already insecure of your wings he rubbed your wings and he then said "heh bitch your wings are so dirty you a fuckin slob yknow that but a hot one at that" he then Grabbed your ass and that's when you broke "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" you yelled "I QUIT" you then storm of and back into your apartment crying about the insult of your wings and just fed up in general But that's when you get a text from Adam he always texted you when you were working for him but you quit it read "You really thought you could leave me you DUMB WHORE I treated you soo well I gave you everything you could of wanted and this I how you repay me I don't even need you you stupid fucking slut"

You were used to Adams shit by now but this this was just something else you text back "Adam stop messaging me Ill be back tomorrow at 10 am to get my stuff from my office and you better not try ANYTHING" he then responds "why would I try to interact with a brain dead whore anyway" that hurts you but you brush it off "being verbally abused by that dickhead isn't worth the pay" you thought before going to sleep

The next day you woke up at your alarm you got dressed but on a casual Black hoodie with Sweat pants because you weren't doing anything today other then going to Adams mansion to pick up your stuff. you flew over to his mansion only A 13 minute fly before landing at the door you were nervous but you knocked you waited and waited until someone opened the door "wow the whore really had the nerve to show her face again' He snarled "well I cant be to mad at you your fucking hot all we have to do to make your perfect is Shave down those ugly wings" he said in a arrogant tone. You walk inside and go to were your stuff is before you hear Adam locking the door 'what the fuck are you doing Adam" you snarl His mask lights up into those annoying little circle eyes he looks like a giddy child

"well I Talked to The big man upstairs if you get what I'm saying and since he would NEVER Say no to his precious Adam his first creation the person who gets ALL his love and affection he said I could keep you since your such a low ranking angel and you have no family in heaven no one will miss you " He still looked like a giddy child while saying this as all of a sudden He pulled out a stunning ring filled with jewelry and gems and luxury "cmere" he says before Walking towards you he towered over you, you were a quite short and small angel being only 5,5 and he was a Huge 13,2 foot angel. " ADAM THIS IS NOT FUNNY" you yelled at him but he said "Bitch? its not supposed to now were gonna cuddle and snuggle because Im feeling lonely and you cant do JACK SHIT" he sounded firm and serious you were scared and try to make a run for it but were tackled down "fuckin bitch your not escapin" he said before tossing you over his shoulders and taking you into his room upstairs and throwing you onto the bed before "cuddling" with you which was more like Wrestling a teddy bear he managed to restrain you with ease and he giggles "I love small girls like you so short and weak easy for me to... Manhandle" he says in an ominous tone you keep squirming and this just makes him giggle "so feisty" he says "don't worry my little Slut I'll fix you sooner or later I'll break your brain down till its just mush then I'll rebuild it to my liking and then you'll be loyal to me just me unlike those last 2 whores I married ill make sure you never leave" he says in a low coo ''i don't like you adam' you hissed he then got surprised "oh talking back to me don't you know who I am Im Adam the first man and your my new Wife you were created from my fucking rib you have to that me for your existance Im a superior being and your just my Wife you should me grateful so many people would beg to be in my presence and your trying to leave it ungrateful whore" he hissed as he started down at you you noticed he was starting to undress first his shirt then his pants then his Underwear but he kept that stupid mask on

His dick is fucking massive it was huge or maybe you are just small but damn and around it is just a bush of his grey hair He even has a piercing on his cock and his dad Bod OMG but as much as you hate it he was hot "like what you see" Adam teased you try to squirm away only angering him Well if your gonna resist I guess I'm gonna have to fuck that tiny pussy lose he said eagerly before starting to Teasing his cock around the hole "sh sh sh sh sh shhhh let it happen" Adam cooed "your my new wife you like this you have to your just in denial" he giggled before saying "Oh your sooo small My dick might kill you I bet I'd bet I'm like I don't know fucking 11 feet taller then you and my dick is huger then anything I've bet you've seen" he teased while rubbing his cock at the entrance of your pussy "damn it I just cant hold back" Adam yelled "p-p-please stop Adam" you whimpered but it just turned him on more as he said "going in bitch" suddenly you feel his entire dick in you it was huge and painful you were not enjoying yourself but Adam was "f-fuck babe I'm fucking you loose" he laughed as he kept fucking me so hard I felt like I was gonna throw up blood and organs he rearranged with every thrust it felt like a new bone in your body was being reangared you tried to flap your useless little wings which just made him think you were even more about how precious you are "that's so cute the only thing I dislike about you is your wings they get in my way might have to clip your wings soon" he teased scaring you He kept thrusting and more and more got hurt the more you pleaded whimpered yelped winces or squealed the more turned on he got as he was thrusting he laughed at the bulge in your stomach from his dick "it went to far in you really do like this ya whore"

You let out a whimper when he said that and that was the turning point he said "f-fuckkkkk I'm cummingim cumming" before long ropes of the warm jizz entered your pussy "yeah get pregnant bitch that's your only purpose breeding machines for men" he said at you and said let me clean myself up He then gets a rag and clean you and him up before seeming to get more gentle

"look I'm sorry when I get horny I go feral this is not how I am most of the time your just so fucking hot I just c-cant control myself" he said while cuddling you "I love you I really do and this world is cruel you have no family here no friends Nobody I'm the only one you have so im taking you under my wing figurative and literally" he said laughing since he tucked you in between his warm chubby chest and his soft comforting wings he then gets really soft and says "I've seen you on your own and your in so much danger so many people will try to take advantage of you and you have nobody to run to but me so I take it as my duty to protect you and coddle you like the cute little toy your are" he says that in a low coo while petting you his soft voice seemingly temporally calming you down you start to stop Wriggle and start giving up and snuggling into him causing him to turn bright red "their ya go girlly your a good little Beliver right so you should worship me if it wasn't for me you would not me alive you would not of been a thought you have to thank me for everything and disobeying me is just like spitting in the face of God it will get you banished to rot in hell ya get that" he pats your head as you cuddle into his chest since he's so big you look like a little housecat on his chest ''thats it just let my voice soothe you to sleep once you wake up tomorrow your life will be soon much better he teased as you snuggle against his body "nighty nighty" he says before you drift off to sleep

#hazbin hotel x you #adam x you #hazbin adam x reader #yandere adam x you #yandere adam #hazbin hotel adam x reader #hazbin hotel #yandere

[druidshollow]

I love dune but dune manipulating fire by making him villainize descent makes me so sad.. my girl descent is trying her best, she never did anything wrong in her life ever actually

its really fucking sad man. the odds are so entirely stacked against her, she had to be careful what she said and did because flowers' position meant he could just take entire control of the kids situation whenever he wanted. she wanted to protect fire and rivers so badly, but if she fought flowers she could lose her access to them and then theyd be alone with him

this was a much larger problem after they split up and fire was gone. she wanted to protect rivers from flowers, who was repeatedly expressing reluctance to go with him, but she was afraid of flowers retorting by demanding full custody. i think ive said this before but i dont think flowers even particularly wanted rivers around. it was more something he could hold over her head, something he knew she felt threatened by and couldnt do anything about. i cant help but wonder if he gained some satisfaction in knowing that descent could tell rivers was being abused but couldnt safely stop it. see this is what i meant earlier when i was saying that he gets worse every time i write for him its so grRRRRRRRR

anyways FIRE. fire. yeah i think fire expressed missing his mom pretty often when he first got to the divide. dune felt threatened by this and wanted to assure that fire wouldnt go back to his family. how else to achieve this but to alienate fire from his family? on a surface level her logic is almost understandable; if your mother was concerned with the abuse in her home why did she never take you guys away? kids arent stupid but they are very impressionable. i dont think at the equivalent age of an 11 year old (fucking Yikes btw) that fire would have fully understood the power dynamics at play in his family. dune knew flowers was high council. she knew, at least to some extent, that the situation would have been very difficult for descent to navigate, but it suited her narrative better if she left those nuances out and instead made fire's mother out to be uncaring and inactive

i think dune did a lot of listening to fire at first, rather than guiding things. she wanted to understand the dynamics at play here before she began twisting the narrative, and she also wanted to give fire the impression that she was somebody safe to come to with his problems and feelings. the more she learned, the safer she felt twisting things

have this doodle of descent and rivers i coughed up tonight. saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad guys. the flowers effect

#druid babbles #oc posting #species swap au #abuse mention #ss rivers #ss descent

[toomuchracket]

okayyyy hear me out. d word matty sick fic either before or in the early days of them getting together officially. matty spotting u at work Clearly unwell and having to physically drag you out, insisting all the while ur fine despite yacking in the work toilet like 5 minutes prior. confiscating your laptop so you cant try go answer emails. dodging ur attempts at work chat for the next couple days as ur getting better

oh yes ok so you're like right on the cusp of dating matty - you've hung out a couple of times and it's been sweet but platonic and quite frankly you're both desperate to see each other more often and more seriously. which makes it all the more awkward when you take ill at work and he clocks it - he rocks up like 2 hours after you start to find you sitting at your desk, skin greying a little bit, wearing your cardigan and denim jacket indoors yet still shivering, despite it being literally early june. and he's immediately side-eyeing like "you alright, sweetheart?", to which you're like "mhmm just chilly", and matty's like "hmm ok"; it's a tuesday and it's really quiet in the office, so he sets up his laptop at another desk nearby and keeps an eye on you while he responds to emails and whatnot, unconvinced that you're actually alright. and he's right to think that and be concerned - you're visibly shaky walking over to file something, and then at one point without warning you clap your hand over your mouth and run to the bathroom. when you come back, looking horrid, matty's like "you're not alright, darlin', i think you should just go home", and you're shaking your head like "nope it's fine i'm fine i'll stay. i think i just ate something weird a couple of days ago. no big deal", but literally three seconds later a wave of nausea hits you so hard that you have to grab the bin from under your desk in case you throw up again; you don't, but it's enough for matty to put his foot down and say "nope, i'm giving you a lift home right now". and you're like "no really it's fine. if i have to go i'll just get the tube" and matty's aghast like "you're going to get the tube when you feel like shit? do you want to fucking die? come on, babe". he's got a point - the thought of puking on the tube is a horrible one - but you're still like "i just don't want to inconvenience you, matty. and also, like, what if i yosh in your car? that would be awful", and matty says "you're never an inconvenience to me, sweetheart, really. just want to make sure you're ok". you swear his eyes soften when he says that, and your heart flutters as the two of you smile sweetly at each other - the moment ends quickly, though, as you double over with a stomach cramp and matty's like "actually, maybe bring that bin with you to the car, just in case", before he helps you gather up your shit and ushers you out to his car. you tell him your address (you're quite excited and a bit relieved to hear him say "oh, that's not too far from me! this is the way i'd drive home anyway, babe. and we're on the same train line"), and thus begins the journey; it takes slightly longer than expected because of roadworks and traffic, which matty repeatedly apologises for, but you're both secretly grateful for the extra time spent together, listening to one of matty's insane playlists and chatting, so much so that you actually feel sad when he turns onto your street.

he parks outside your house and carries your bag to the door for you sweetly; less sweetly, though, he does make you forfeit your laptop "so you can't sneak on and work while you're meant to be getting better. don't you try to argue, sweetheart, i know what you're like". you blush at that, which makes matty giggle - after that, he hugs you and kisses your head, running back to his car before you can even react to the affection and promising to check in with you later. and he does; he calls you after dinner that night to see how you're feeling, and you can hear him rolling his eyes when you say "good. haven't eaten, but i've stopped puking, at least. should be fine to come to work tomorrow". matty's like "oh my god please just focus on feeling better, babe, work can wait. in fact, i'm putting a moratorium on work chat. tell me what you thought of my playlist in the car instead", which makes you laugh, and the conversation is just unprofessional after that. he even pops round with flowers on his way home from work the next day - you berate him for going out of his way just to see you, but you're very touched that he would (and lowkey mortified that this is how he's seeing the flat for the first time, you being an invalid). when you tell matty as much (not the bit about the flat), he blushes and shrugs like "like i said, sweetheart, you're on my route home. and i like seeing you, and talking to you" - he takes a nervous drink of his tea and then says "maybe we should start commuting to work together, once you're feeling better. makes sense, if we live near each other. and i know my mornings would be better if you were the first person i saw after i woke up". you smile back just as shyly like "i'd like that. get you on the half 8 train tomorrow?", and matty's like "it's a date" <3

#mads answers asks #chatty bits #matty asks #fluff asks #d word matty

[sunnnfish]

KAGIHIRA CHAPTER 22 !!!!!!!!!!! Rambling under the cut

Honestly kind of love how hirano keeps coming back to how long kagi has liked him its kind of like. If he wants their relationship to stay the same as it has been, depending on how long kagi has liked him then it staying the same would always include kagi’s love for him. “The kagi kun im fond of is the one who’s in love with me” etc etc. ive said it before but hes very scared of their relationship changing but it doesnt have to. Idiot. And also kagi teasing him about it. King.

WILD TASHIRO AND SHIRAHAMA SPOTTED! I could be so much weirder about them. Btw. They’re kind of like sasahira to me. I digress

Kagi’s missing button. Live niibashi reaction is sooo funny. He’s in hell. Would not be surprised if theres a conversation in the future about niibashi telling kagi how that was very un-just-roommates-like behavior from hirano. That was gay as hell. AND THE WAY NIIBASHI WALKS AWAY COVERING HIS EARS…..i love him so much.

And WHY IN GODS NAME did they go to the STAIRWELL? HMM??? Feel like theres other less conspicuous places to do this. Why did you take him to the fucking abandoned stairwell hirano. Anything related to your relationship with sasak[gets shot]

OH reading through a second time for this. Just realized he pointedly places his phone down for the ten seconds—neither of them are actually timing it. Im sure kagi is in his head and hes gonna say something about it probably being a little longer than just 10 seconds. And Hirano in general starting to notice the absence rather than the presence. You know. But also this touch was sooo cute like. Even if it doesnt make hiranos heart race or blush or whatever its so comfortable for him. Kagi’s rolling around and nuzzling his shoulder but its still not bad at all. It’s comfortable and easy and im going to rip my heart out.

Wild Hanzawa spotted. “How about becoming the vice president next year” why does he say this to literally everyone. He’s done it to hirano and kagi and tashiro and miyano apparently. This isn’t about him right now sorry.

Anyways. Getting to like the main meat of this chapter im locking on to so much. The conversation with miyano and surrounding feelings. Hirano also seems to lock on to the fact that his heart is supposed to race if hes in love. And then he conveniently tunes miyano out as he starts talking about how the comfort and family vibe around someone is also love.

And its like. Hirano seem so forlorn that his heart doesn’t race like kagi’s. “I guess i really cant feel that way about kagi kun huh…” what do you mean cant why do you sound so sad about it. Bitch. But also the admission that his heart was pounding when kagi hugged him in the nurses office. Okaaayyyyy. Yeah buddy that was just surprise. Mhm. Anyways. I’ve said it a million times and every chapter i feel more and more right that hirano wants to love kagi. But apparently he feels like he cant. He’s basing everything off of kagi’s feelings which are like very intense and touch based. But he doesnt experience love that way. If he had just LISTENED TO MIYANO[explodes] im fine. Thankfully he does listen to the part about how you think about the person and want to see them. And that subsequently thinking about how kagi being around makes him for focused and comfortable and wanting him around right now is gay as hell. “It’s NOT a date but” buddy if you have say ‘but’ then i hate to break it to you. Hirano what if i kill you for real. Kidding.

Anyways lovely chapter next one can’t come fast enough etc etc peace and love on planet kagihira

#looovvveee all the different kinds of love in the sasamiyaverse #god #it’s so good #clutches chest #hirano to kagiura #Hirano and kagiura #sunnfish.kghr

[boxwinebaddie]

Uh oh it’s my gremlin ass in your inbox again, anyway I had a thot.

Raven!Stan and Disloyal Order Of Water Buffaloes by FOB

Specifically the line “I’d promise you anything for another shot at life”

Uhhhhhhh that is all queen ty for ur time (ily take care of urself you deserve all the happiness in the realm)

oh noooooooo riley in my ask box agaiiiiiiiiin how awful how horrible

sahdsadlkda AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

listen bitch!!!! i sprinted to answer this ask because it singlehandedly threw me into a fallout boy renaissance oh my god!

this is really long i went on a very crazy tangent and started badly describing a v dramatic v upsetting flashback u can all skip this lmao

raven!stan is soooooo disloyal order of the water buffaloes like okay "i'd promise you anything for another shot at life" is so AAAA like my son was robbed of everything i just! urGH! give my boy his life back!!!

also "detox just to retox"?????? is so real..."imperfect boys with their perfect boys // nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy" ISSSSSS SOOOOO CRIMSON DAWN CODED IM!!!!

also also ALSO "i'm half doomed and you're semi sweet" is so stan and kyle in every fucking universe gonna rip the skin off my face

okay...let me just...it's actually so funny that you sent me this about fallout boy because when i was developing a lot of ravenstan's backstory and gen rockstar stuff i religiously listened to 27 by fob.

if home is where the heart is then were all just fucked!!!! I WANT IT SO BAD I SHOOT THE SUNSHINE INTO MY VEINS I CANT REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS!!! my mind is a safe and if i keep it then we all get rich!!! DOING LINES OF DUST AND SWEAT OFF LAST NIGHTS STAGE JUST TO FEEL LIKE YOOOOOU!!! AAAAA

like raven is SO 27 by fob skhdlahd in this essay i will!

so this is weird lore backstory but bear with me, okay?

kenny and stan are close in all my fics which is like my favorite thing ever but they are SUPER CLOSE IN RM! ive said this like 5 bajillion times but i love them their dynamic its special and very dear to me ok

and i feel like they were really drunk one time at 18 just laying on the floor...and raven is just like "do you ever think about death?" which is hilarious because kenny is immortal so theyre just like "yeah...all the time" *drags their cigarette with a sad knowing smile :'((((*

and stans like "me too" *vodka shot* "do you ever think about when you're gonna die...like if you could choose" and kenny is like jfc rae bleak much but is probably like "idk dunno ill go when the universe gets bored of me...i could go anytime because i do whatever i want and live everyday like its my last....think of it like this: we're all stuck here and everyone's watching so you might as well give them a good show, right??? *long cigarette drag again*...but what about you?"

and raven just says "27." then explains that all the biggest rockstars and greatest musicians die at 27 and if he could choose he'd join the 27 club bc at least then his death would mean something. AAA IM

ok fuck suicide attempt tw AAAA I HATE IT HERE :/ </3

this is a lot im so sorry its dramatique af but also pls know if i write it as a flashback later i will be crying & throwing up the whole time

flash forward i think its like ravens 21st birthday and everyone is inside getting trashed on his birthday doing coke being degenerates breaking shit & d-list celebrity nobodies are flexing hard that they're at his big extravagant bday party aka the event of the year...but no one even knows hes Missing!!!!!!! NO! ONE! FUCKING!!!! CARES!!!!!!!!!

except kenny who just finds him on the roof of that big swanky building or even like the water generator so high up that its genuinely fucking terrifying and its really really bad like hes just on the edge like crying and laughing and swaying holding a big ass bottle of expensive champagne with his FACE on it slurring and singing happy birthday to himself and its the SADDEST most AWFUL sound in the world & uGH i want to cry my baby mY BABY!!!! MY!!!! BABY!!!!!!! :(((((

and kenny is PANICKING but theyre trying to be normal like theyre talking to someone with a hostage but the person holding the hostage is themselves WHICH IS SOOOOO UUUGH!!! and theyre like "raven raven i need you to get down...i hate my birthday too...you're having a bad night...just a bad night...its almost over ok its almost over baby...lets get out of here okay? but i need you to get DO--"

and hes just like "NO!!!! NO!!!!! you dont get it you dont FUCKING get it!!! it doesnt get better it gets fucking WORSE every day is bad bad bad BAD!!! it never stops IT NEVER ENDS!!!"

which is so sad and also ironic bc kenny is like "believe me I. Know." LIKE IMMORTAL KENNY LIVES THE WORST DAY OF THEIR LIFE EVERY DAY and is just like "but you Dont want to do this, trust me"

and raven is just like shaking and screaming snot and tears and champagne and eyeliner and blood in his mouth like "no i think i do I THINK I FUCKING DO!!!! you're the one who said if everyones watching might as well give them a good show right?! RIGHT?!"

FUuUuUUCK

and cups his hands over his lips swinging & shouting!!!!! WELL HEY!!! HEY EVERYONE HEY EVERYONE LOOK LOOOK LOOK!!!!! HEY TMZ EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT FOR THE LAST FKN TIME!!!

& its raining so he prolly almost slips its so...that man is not mentally or physically stable its SO FUCKING SCARY kennys heart is RACING like "take my hand!!! just take my HAND we can Talk about it!!! I LOVE YOU BRO! DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE."

and ravens just like drinking and spiraling drinking spiraling, seriously wavering having a panic attack and a ptsd episode hysterical and fucking inconsolable backing away from kenny closer and closer to ledge like "i'm sorry i'm sorry IM SORRY i'm hideous i'm HIDEOUS everyone keeps looking at me EVERYONE KEEPS TOUCHING ME i cant do this anymore im sorry im not strong like you ken im not strong ive never been strong not like you!!! Not. Like You. im sorry IM SO SORRY let me go!!! LETMEGOLETMEGOLETMEFUCKINGGO—”

but kenny grabs his arm or leg RIGHT before he goes straight over the side JUST in time & is like "you CAN do this!!! you ARE strong i--"

.....and just says "27"

and ravenstan is like "h-huh?"

and kenny is like "you said you wanted to die at 27. like kurt cobain, right??!! so DIE at 27, okay, raven? die at TWENTY FUCKING SEVEN for all i FUCKING CARE but give me six more years!!!! give me six more years and then when you're twenty seven you can decide whether you want to live or die, but until then you owe me SIX. FUCKING. YEARS, you son of a bitch!!! and if you stay ill stay if you go ill go. your life is my life. a life for a life. now…do we have a deal?"

and ravens like "kenny, i-i dont" and theyre like grim reaper mode like "DO. WE. HAVE. A. DEAL?" and stan u know makes th deal with the devil climbs down they hug and cry a lot its beautiful its awful AAA

so ravens stuck here...is he happy about it....no....but hes here 4 kenny...( also for jimmy and the ex cd guitarist those are his boys ) but thats not gonna stop him from getting extremely close 2 dying and destroying his body w/ alcohol...thats his loophole....FML dude :/

TADA!!! ahdslkhda

also: mun fun fact....i was ( still am ) and MASSIVE infinity on high GIRLIE!!!!! like if i even hear hum hallelujah or bang on the doldrums i will SHAKE SOME ASS the white mom chokehold that album has on me is RIDICULOUS

me: falling to my knees in the grocery store when i accidentally hit shuffle on my spotify open mouth sobbing and screaming

IIIII CAST A SPELL OVER THE WESTTT TO MAKE YOU THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK OF MEEEEEE THE SAAAAME WAY I THINK OF YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU

oh my god i could go on and on

( also golden is very ravenstan coded just about him being a celebrity trying to make everyone happy but also his music being controversial and moms pulling their kids away from him like he is evil and because hes just a like a bad role model and a gnarly alcoholc CRYING....

but its also jersey!kyle because he was so full of promise and had so much potential but than also got serious ptsd and went kind of insane because of stan "dying" and just became this basketcase freakshow that everyone is scared is going to snap at any second and is this absolutely fucking menace and AAAAA )

ok im done now but i had so much to say

-uncle nina on her fob wine box soap box

#hi sorry that was unhinged #also enjoy my free traumatic flashback #if this sounds incoherent and crazy its the cab sav i am drinking #everyone say hi jersey #anyways working on rm4 i do hope its out within the week but it could be next week #theres so many more fob songs i could drop but the plot needs to develop ill reblog this post as we dive deeper #BUT YEAH #DOOWB IS VERY RAVENSTAN #and yeah....27....i swear to god #stan in rm makes me soooooooooo sad i want to cry #he is my beautiful beautiful beautiful boy i love him so much #i can’t math on the box wine so i can’t remember if kyle and stan are 21 or 22 in rm #but either way it’s upsetting as fuck #kenny and stan also....i cry i cry i cry i love them i love them

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I feel like I may have fucked up a lot of things, and for some reason I cant stop. Lost my bf, childhood best friend, and now my new best friend. I really miss him tbh, but it’ll be fine. I think the only way I can fix things and bring some form of balance to my life is to just ghost everyone. I think a lot of things would’ve been better for everyone had I just left every single person I know alone. There has to be something wrong with me, even when I try to be better somehow I find a way to ruin any connection I have to people. The only way out is stop connecting. There’s no point anyways, I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want to tell people things anymore I want to just be alone forever. I need a break from life, sometimes existing is too much like sometimes I feel a little too alive or a little too emotional. Probably cause I feel everything intensely, even when I feel nothing I feel like in absolute. Its horrible how quickly things can turn. My mind is not somewhere I want to be, and its sad how much my brain hates me. I dont have anyone around anymore, and its all my own fault. Maybe I should just move on from everything and everyone. I think there’s something about being alone that I love though, maybe that’s why I do things that push people away. So that no one needs me around, im not reliable for a reason. This letter is all over the place im sorry. I just want a break from everything like just one little break. I’ll deal with it at some point but I just cant anymore I dont want to. As bad as life was this time last year I would go back to it all at least I always knew what to expect. Now its just non stop change and im not ready for it. As bad as he was at least I had someone. The best thing to do is just detach for a little while. I dont know how long, but I know I need to just leave everything. Its just scary to be by myself , no one has ever been crueller to me than I have.i keep trying to cry but I just cant. I dont know what’s wrong with me like how did this all happen when did I change and how did I not see it happen. The thing is does it really matter? Like does anything even actually matter? No one actually cares so what does anything matter?  

Lately ive been feeling nothing and I cant cry anymore. I just feel nothing but not numb but numb in a way idk how to explain it. Maybe I just need time to myself, away from people. The thing is I dont like myself. I dont want to be alone but I cant stand being around people. I want to be left alone but I hate myself. No winning I suppose. Its weird how much I wanted to end my life before and now I just live with the self hate lol. My eating disorder is back like completely. Funny thing is now that I look like I did before, my mom said that I finally look like myself again. That made me laugh. Thing is lately thoughts of bulimia have been in my mind. Like if I eat something then I think I could just throw it up and it’ll be like it never happened. Isn’t having a sick mind the best? 

love, 

s<3

Ps. Thank you for always listening.. I know in some other reality we’re friends, and im telling you this over ice cream. unfortunately, in this one you are somewhere I dont know, and I am too. love u.

#s<3 #dear charlie

[l0ve-weenkun]

leon headcanons bc im insane

listen to me, ive got fucking Leon brainrot. this man is taking over my goddamn life and i have no issue with it but like bbrbrbrbr i need this man in my arms in my hands on my bed, under me, over me, on me however, so anyway!! have some headcanons that i thought abt for him while i was doing my homework today in my very distracted brain: .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・ ⍟ this man is literally so fucking touch starved, you have no fucking clue. the first time you ever hugged him he didnt even know what the hell you were doing, until you let go. when you left after your goodbye hug he went home and he couldnt believe what had happened, its been so long since someone actually had the confidence to get that close to him. he lay in his bed, confused and sad, and it brought him to tears. he didnt know how to feel, but he knew that he missed that kind of comforting warmth only a hug can bring.

⍟ do not take him to an arcade with a claw machine because he will hyperfixiate on it until he wins the prize hes aiming for, especially if you mentioned that you thought it was cute, or if you tried winning it yourself. you bet your goofy ass that he'll spend a ridiculous amount of money for your happiness.

⍟ he wont admit it, but Leon actually loves holding hands. it doesnt matter where or how, if you hold his hand he will instantly blush and be very happy, although he wont vocalize it at all. any kind of skinship youre comfortable with he will accept with open arms, especially since hes not used to being loved on so much.

⍟ cuddles? yes please. hold this man close, hold him like the world is ending, he needs it so bad, this man knows no care and loves every moment he spends huddled under the bedsheets in your arms. sometimes when he comes home after missions hes just so tired and overwhelmed that the moment he gets in bed and you cuddle him, he'll break down into quiet sobs, not wanting to, but he just cant help it anymore, and he'll apologize a million times under his breath, choking on his words, but if u quiet him with a soft kiss he'll stop talking and just nuzzle into you softly and try to calm down as you rub circles into his back.

⍟ lets talk about this age gap,,,,uuhhhhh, there is nothing to talk abt!!!! he doesnt talk about it, it doesnt make him uncomfy hes just embarassed, "how/why did this young person fall for me" vibes, Freddy will often bother you guys about it, he'll call Leon "gramps" and he calls you "kid" but thats more of a nickname than being an asshole. (if youre older than Freddy but not Leon he'll find something else to call you) Melanie often questions you on your taste for men, but she does slightly admit that Leon is a pretty ok candidate, he just needs to loosen up a bit. rest assured, with you here, he will loosen up a bit.

⍟ Leon often feels the need to look after you (especially if youre significantly younger than him,,,totally not me hahaaa) he tries his best to be as responsible as possible and keep you far, far away from harms way, always checking up on you to make sure you're ok. he'll send you little texts every 30 minutes or so, most of the time they sound very,,, automated lmao "status report, mission progress" and such, but you grow closer together he'll send cuter texts like "hows it going? are you ok? need anything?" and sometimes, especially if hes on a mission, he'll send "i love you ♡" just to make sure you remember while hes gone.

⍟ he doesnt really give out kisses as you can imagine, most of the time hes on the receiving end, but when he does, he loves giving forehead kisses. not only because he's significantly taller than you, but he just feels most comfortable there, its not invading much of your personal space, and its just a sweet gesture. on the other hand, when you go to kiss him, kiss him anywhere and everywhere because he will melt in your touch. you can imagine how not having skinship with someone for ages has affected him, but anytime you kiss him its like the world stands still and its just you two, even if its just for a moment. (kiss him especially on his neck and his ears, he will literally die if u do)

⍟ cook for him, this man loves it when you cook!!! he'll sit in the kitchen and watch you as you shuffle around the kitchen like an idiot and make a big mess just to make sure he's well fed, it brings him so much joy and comfort knowing you care so much that you'll potentially burn down your kitchen just to make sure hes not hungry. also, he's like a fucking child, he drinks milk with every fucking meal. hes probably thinking that it'll literally give him stronger bones. he believes that. idk if thats why he drinks milk so often, but he drinks milk at least twice a day. (as a lactose intolerant mf thats gross but u do u)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・

ill write more at some point lmao for now just have this spur of the moment nonsense, im going to go pass out maybe, yes i know that theres, like no capitalization at all, and no apostrophes but leave me alone smh lmao

#leon dislyte #headcanons #dislyte leon #dislyte headcanons #dislyte #dislyte x reader #dislyte brainrot

[shkika]

I might end up taking u up on that offer this is so so soo fun

I really enjoy it when people make moon mad at fp..like how could she not be yes she cares about fp a lot but siblings don't exactly...do that to eachother very often I think (but maybe they do /j the woes of being an only child)

I think not being able to harm artificer did him good in the end (therapy dog!!) like he would have definitely just wanted to send that thing FLYING into the sun but he couldn't!! he was forced to just deal with it and eventually he realises hey. Maybe this thing isn't so bad... honestly I think he really needed something like that right then given his tendency to push people away (thinking abt how he BLEW UP srs' poor overseer. That made me jump actually i didnt expect it i sat still for long enough to get myself blown up too it was kind of funny...aside from the trek back of course) (ALSO THE ADS HELP thats golden)

Adding onto that like....him being a silly little loser that wants to do everything by himself and the like loving the attention etc I really think that like... the time period he was built in only made it worse??

Like......i feel that being built when he was added to a sort of pressure of needing to feel superior, to not be one of those bugs in mazes. To have something with like a genuine true path ahead instead of blindly grasping for answers

Like...I guess he'd want to prove just how good he is by doing it without any sort of help and he just has so MUCH to figure out by himself that he just...builds that pressure more and more and that's gotta be too much at some point

^^ I like the idea of the triple affirmative stuff happening like...around this point in time (forgive me if my timeline is terribly off) but anyways like..it kind of just fucks up everything for the dude...like all he's worked for is kinda just for nothing so then it leads to everything with the rot as like some sort of last resort. Like he knows the risks but he just cant bring himself to care like he's in such a vunerable state he doesn't think about how it'd affect moon until all of a sudden there's a forced message being sent his way, but even then I guess being younger than like everyone in the group he doesn't fully grasp like oh. This is as bad as it is. Until moons can comes crashing down and hes left infecting himself with the stuff

Anyway you are so very right with the echo actually I haven't thought very much on the shaded citadel but it must have...not been pleasant going through the rains knowing that there's so many others unaffected by it

Sorry this response is so late actually I've been multitasking to all hell but RRAGHGJ squishing the iterators in my hand like stress balls I am so normal about this game

please do! <3 ramble incoming

Moon being angry at Pebbles is fun. I love seeing different interpertations! Though I do think she doesn’t hold actual bitterness towards him in my personal belief.

The idea that she isn’t actually *angry* angry at him makes her very tragic to me. By all means she knows his actions are inexcusable. What she went through was horrifying and painful and she acknowledges that. Nsh even mentions she’s always had way too much patience for him and that she really tried to be a good big sister to him.

So as his big sister and someone who guided him in early days I can see her being unable to feel spite towards him. He fucked up, hes now sick and rotting and it all fills her with grief. It’s all just unfortunate and sad! (definitely see moon being a little hater with salty comments sometimes. as she does but most of her anger is reserved for their shitty parents)

Pebbles desperately wanting to feel superior is something really fun to me!! Absolutely see it! (idk why u went and became close friends with guy who called you dumb and naive but u do you 🤷 maybe u like that. likr OoOo hes the only one that listens to my theories and he calls me dumb <33) We know he learns about what happened to sliver from suns, so I can only assume that happened before he was made..? But the game is vague enough for u to hc it as you want honestly.

What he did was out of desperation for sure! He never wanted to even involve Moon according to what he says while commenting on a pearl by Arti. It was just kind of impossible.

I think what Suns told him just left a big scar on the poor guy. Not only is he being told he never mattered, he has to accept he’ll slowly break down and not even die while still trying to solve their issue he doesn’t even care about. He wanted the feeling of power over his own self back and he wanted to desperately escape. Feeling helpless is the worst.

He thought he could be fast enough and not harm Moon and then failed! He doomed her and got a very bad case of the rot ( consequences of my actions) ((another bracket but the poor fucker tried to cure himself all the way until arti campaign! sad!!)) along with his failure becoming gossip material and a sensation as we learn from spearmaster logs. Which is why I assume he closes all communications.

Also Moon forced many many broadcasts onto him while dying :) not only partly the reason why he failed the project, it also further cemented his helplesness.. because he can’t do anything to help! A common phrase you hear from him is “I can’t even help myself”.

It’s a little treat in almost all scug campaigns iirc.

Also echoes are all so interesting I love them and their silly little opinions. Shout out to the one who told arti to stop being such an angry bitch <3

#im sorry for writing essays hehe hoho #actually ill out this into read more! #being ill do this with further long asks #waking up ranting abt rw lore oh what joys #waiting for my wrist to heal has never been more fine <3 #ask #pinkavtomation #also these rambles #although i try to take as much from the canon as possible #they uh- u dont have to feel pressured to take any as fact #the fun with media is to enjoy it however u want

[winderlylandchime]

I am trying my best to just write honorable mentions bc if i wrote everything he said that made me question our sibling dna this would be an essay. But i do want everyone to know: he watches the show as if he’s watching a sports game, elbows on his knees, legs shaking at times, palms all over his face and a lot of ‘ugh!!!’ And every so often he hits me/grabs my shirt and yanks it bc i sit next to him while making some type of a noise. Anyway: ‘oh god, is this what i look like to you while i watch this show? Is this a call out? Am i being called out? Oh my god am I emmett? Nah I’m more fun’ ‘HE IS GETTING A HERO AWARD? Why? Oh Justin. HELL YEAH HERO! Yeah bitch, listen to Emmett, you saved Justin’s life!’ ‘awwww He is rushing home to Justin bc he gets scared! HERO!…a hero in love..can he already admit that he’s in love ffs this is taking forever, I mean what has to happen for him to say ily to Justin?!’ ‘Ew. I mean i know the gay friends sometimes kiss each other and i get it but i don’t like Michael..*long silence while he watches* maybe i should kiss my homies too sometimes, let them know i care’ ‘WHAT DOES HE MEAN LESS DESERVING?! Ohhh lover!! I like the sound of that. Cmon just tell him you love him! It would make my life SO much easier’ ‘oh he is so totally not going to that comic con hahahhaha’ ‘oh damn he really did forget about comic con, i was just messing. Damn..OH HE REALLY SAID FUCK THE POLICE’ … ‘they want to take away his award?! Oh hell no! I will not allow this *looks at me scared* if i hate these two does that make me homophobic?’ ‘I need Mike to stop being annoying bc him and Justin could be a cool duo! OKAY DEBBIE STOP BLAMING BRI BRI FOR EVERYTHING! Why do they keep doing this? I am tired, and i am all alone here defending him and it’s getting hard bc theyre on the other side of the screen’ ‘DEBBIE KNOWS BRI BRI LOVES JUSTIN!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH DEBBIE! Now help me get him to admit it to us all! And by us, I mean me’ It’s at this point that he looked at me and just flapped his arms all over the place and then went back to watching. ‘Oh my god! He is walking with him and holding hands! In broad daylight! Better chance seeing you date a dude than Brian holding hands on a walk. EXCEPT *points to paused tv* HE IS DOING IT RIGHT THERE! HE SAID NO HANDS! look at Bri Bri hugging him and GOD DAMN IT!’ He is currently groaning while flapping his hands in the air ‘he clearly loves him! Why is he making things so complicated for me!!’ ‘OH MY GOD JUSTIN! His teenage lover! FUCK YEAH! Oh my god, sweet sweet boy please never change! I need him to stay like this. WHAT has he stolen from Justin?! SIR I WILL FIGHT YOU MYSELF’ ‘THAT GUY FUCKS RAW?! AND HE JUDGES BRIAN?! I guess everyone IS a critic’ ‘yeah give him the fucking award! See, mel and lindsey can be cool, they don’t suck so much when they’re not as uptight..would it kill them to be like that more often?.’ ‘I KNOW THIS SONG- OH MY GOD JUSTIN IS HIS BOY! AND HE IS WALKI- COME ON SONNY BOY!!! HE! I! HIM! I CANT WITH THIS! LOOK AT HIM REACHING HIS ARMS OUT! LOOK AT THAT SMILE! HE KNEW HE COULD DO IT! And the kissing! BRIAN JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY! *pauses on the kiss* So there’s the Brian that Michael knows or thinks he knows and there’s the Bri Bri that Justin and I know. AND HE IS LOVELY! And I am better than Michael’ ‘yes Justin tell him! He is a hero!…it has to be killing them to speak nicely of Bri Bri. Oh HE DIDNT SHOW UP OH THATS FUNNY! Ffs can Mel be on Brians side once? I need a reason to like her’ ‘i guess Michael got his dynamic duo dream back.. he needs a better dream and life, this is sad and that’s coming from a 36 yr old dude who is drugged out of his mind in his sisters house..wait that sounds bad..fuck oh god am i michael?’ After this he went outside for a smoke and just stared into the sky and when he came in he went ‘it was cute and calm. I think that means im finally watching it normally and not going crazy’

ANON! I do not want your brother to have to find out what it will take for Brian to tell Justin he loves him (and yet, I definitely do).

"Oh he really said fuck the police" is gold because that is my EXACT response to that scene.

His response to "my boy walks down the street" is correct and accurate and all of us. Also his analysis of Brian and Michael and the Brian Michael knows and the Brian Justin and fandom knows is so spot on.

Look, anon, when this is over your brother is going to need to be set up with a tumblr and an AO3 account. Those are just facts at this point.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

🐝vent

My night was awful. It started out Okay; i was at my grandma's apartment to see my dad and we played some games. Came home to mom's car not being in it's spot. My brothers and I assume she went to go run an errand, so we go inside, find her boyfriend, and unwind from being out all day. I was dealing with friend drama at that point too.

Half an hour later my mom calls me and tells me what to make for dinner, because she's out at a local "Social club" (Bar, but members only) with a friend. I think, "Great, maybe she wont drink though. She's been going sometimes and only having one".

7:30 passes. At 8 my brother asks me when we should make dinner, neither of us are hungry so we postpone.

8:30 passes, we make dinner because it's getting late. While we're making the food, friend drama dies off and they start joking around in the gc -all good and at that point i was ready to have a relaxing end of the evening.

9:30 passes. My friend moves a virtual birthday party for an acquaintance up half an hour (10) so i get started doing dishes. While im getting ready to do them, i start hearing noises and voices in the "back room" (small room at the back of the house that has the back back door, connected to the kitchen through another door) but no one's coming in. I cant tell if they're crying, laughing or just talking, but someone kept leaning on the door. I waited.

9:45 my mom opens the door and stumbles in; i immediately notice she. is. drunk. Her face is flushed, she was having trouble walking in the door, and she was slurring her words. I dont remember what the first thing she said was, but shortly after her friend also walks in. Her friend was tall (pretty) and significantly less drunk, i dont even know if she was tipsy. But it was a bit of a relief she was here too. My mom went upstairs -struggling- her friend followed a minute after. They came back down after my mom gave her a tour of the house, and then they went to the backroom to talk.

So far, so good right?

I was still uncomfortable so i finish dishes and other night-time responsibilities (Feeding the rabbits and refilling their water), then take my computer and phone to my room to camp out till morning (and for the birthday call).

Sometime during beginning of the call (10:15ish?) i start to hear arguing downstairs. Now, my room is above the kitchen, i have a "back room" to my room and i can usually hear when people are arguing in that room, from p much anywhere in my room. Sound carries. I couldnt make out everything they were saying, but it was b a d , and at one point my mom came inside the house shouting, and up the stairs shouting, and slammed doors so hard it shook the walls of my room, "[friend's name] Fuck you, [boyfriend's name] Fuck you. FUCK ALL OF YOU". My friends on call all heard it.

So im trying not to have a panic attack while getting a link for everyone to watch the movie Birthday boy picked out, and while we watch the movie the argument is still going but downstairs or in mom's room i dont remember. I had one earmuff off on my headphones so i can listen if she starts coming to my room for an argument, i pulled up an audio recording app just in case, because at this point I'm scared of a repeat of 21st of last month.

At some point it dies down, my mom left briefly, came back and was still pissed off but not slamming doors, just muttering things i didnt make out. She never came to my room because i wasnt supposed to have my computer in my room past 11 (it died at 11:20 anyway, in the middle of the movie, sad) nor am i supposed to have my phone there ever (she never notices, im about to be 18 anyway, my mom stopped caring with my older brother when he turned 18).

I stayed in my room the whole night, door closed. I dont close my door unless im doing....things, or unless im scared of what's on the outside of my room. But this causes problems in the summer and winter because my room isnt temperature controlled; the backroom to my room is unfinished, theres a crack in the side wall and a big gap in the door going to it. Heating doesnt go to my room, so closing the door = closing out all the nice warm air. I was cold.

I also was supposed to clean the bathroom last night. I was going to do it after dishes and before going to the virtual party, but my brother got shouted at for opening the back room door while my mom was in it (He was trying to take out the trash), and i didnt want to have to deal with her drunk ass while asking if anyone needed to use the restroom before it gets taken over for 30 mins to get cleaned.

So yeah i had a bad night. Im exhausted, i was exhausted before the shit with my mom happened, Im exhausted after having a small panic attack, Im exhausted from trying to figure out what room my mom was in, I'm exhausted from holding my pee all night because i was scared i'd run into her, Im fucking. exhausted.

#vent

[bbxnny-bbxtch]

Hi! I was wondering if I could request a Scotty x Black Fem! Reader where they both just love each other so much…but the reader is just sad so Scotty takes care of them for the day and they just cuddle and so much tooth rotting fluff? If not I completely understand.

This is so fucking cute. I want this to be in two parts (mainly bc i wrote a little too much) so this is part one, I hope thats okay with you 🥹 also i didnt know tumblr had a word limit 😭

Summary - Scotty had met the true love of her life. She knew this girl was her soulmate. This girl (you) is more than perfect in her eyes. Yet, no matter how happy Scotty made y/n, and vice versa, sadness and pain are inevitable. You cant ignore it forever, but seeing just how sad y/n was, Scotty decides its time to cheer her up.

Part 1| Part 2| Part 3|

You are my Sunshine...

Scotty was in hell. Well, not literally. But she sure felt like it. Yvonne had been long gone and it left Scotty in a void for months. She just thought that life without Yvonne was miserable. It was her fault Yvonne left, but it still stung when she laid in bed to cry. She had loved Yvonne with every fiber of her being. But she was wrong. She still kept up with their boundaries even if Yvonne was in France. No more Tuesdays, no more 6:30. And it became, Thursday's at 5:23. Weird huh? 5:23. As the weeks grew longer and her heart got emptier, she went to the market at 5:23, on a Thursday. Like she always did. gfgfAs Scotty ran through the aisles, diligently getting all the items she and her mother needed, she went to check out. Like a normal person would. And there you were. In all your glory. Scotty's heart skipped a beat as you gave her that sickeningly sweet smile you'd given everyone. She froze. Literally. Her brain somehow ceased to comprehend how she was in such close contact with a goddess. You had just landed this job, on top of 2 others to take care of your family. It wasn't much, but it was enough. You prided yourself in the way others perceived you, still holding on to the childish dream of being a model, despite every odd being against you. With one look at you Scotty knew it was fate. "Erm..excuse me miss, but are you alright? Your total is 16.40 quid." You smiled politely, slightly concerned for the cute girl in front of you. Her mouth gaped open like a fish out of water. She had the cutest eyes. Deep chocolate swirls of abyss, the more you stared into her eyes the more the encapsulated you. Seeing as Scotty was still silent you glanced at the ever growing line, and impatient customers. With a sigh you decided today was a good day still and you payed her fee, it wasn't much anyway. Bagging her items, you could see her come back to reality a bit. "Alright then..call me will ya?" Your beautiful face held a cocky smirk as you scribbled your number on the receipt. You definitely knew this girl was interesting. Plus, who were you to pass up this golden opportunity to flirt with a cute girl. Your boldness radiated off of you in the moment just as much as your kindness did. Scotty couldn't take her eyes off of you as she grabbed her two bags and walked backwards to the entrance. It was like a burst of color and life had entered her world. And it all surrounded you. "Wow.." she stupidly knocked over a display while back pedaling, it left you in a fit of giggles she couldn't get over as she raced to her car to go home. Smiling the entire drive home Scotty knew her life would only get better. "Jesus Scotty, you're finally getting some?" Dean choked out as he ate some yogurt. Dean as well as the rest of her friends had listened to Scotty rant about her newfound obsession for hours already. She had this constant shy smile on her face as she reminisced what happened just two days prior. "Well, she was beautiful. I mean- unlike anything I've ever seen. Her smile was like the sun and oh god- she looked so perfect..even in that ugly uniform. She made it look lovely. Fuck- and she payed my fee! How much better can she get?" her ranting seemed to drone on and on but everyone was happy for her. No doubt they noticed how sad she'd been since Yvonne left. They tried to do everything in their power to help her but there's only so much you can do right? "Well, at least you're not stalking the bird. She seems lovely, hopefully you put on some good pining." Sian sipped her tea with a smirk. "Ah yes!why dont you give her a call? She did give you her number, use it Scotty!" Violet chuckled in adoration, Scotty was like her baby sister. "What?!? Are you nuts? What am I gonna say? 'Hey, this is Scotty! The freak who froze when I saw your gorgeous face.' God no! She'll think I'm weird! I'll see her Thursday." She knew it was odd, but this time Scotty promised herself that she wouldn't overstep any boundaries. Plus, the girl did give Scotty her number so..obviously she was interested. Right?

[rigil-kentauris]

When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers!! here ya go!!

OH NO JUST 5????

lets see

hm. im going to take the definition ACTUALLY LISTEN TO and translate that to listen with a capital L, put that song on and melt into mattress, listening to that song is a Task.

1. Nothing Left To Say/Rocks Imagine Dragons EXCEPT i dont listen to rocks i do not like it. i got this album for free back when google play music was new enough to coax people with free music if you can believe that. anyway this song is too big to listen to while walking. i will listen to it while driving but i think i shouldnt. its very. hm.

its very sad. it reminds me of people ive left behind. and places i cant go back to. situations that are over without a choice or chance of reprieve. sometimes it just be like that.

but as sad as it is i think lots of parts of this song are also hopeful. the chorus is entirely about giving up, but ever verse ends with i keep pushing on. i think the idea that you keep pushing on and on is the kind of hope that makes all the sad worse. the first time i wrote a piece of fluff, coming off of a solid career of angst, the person i was writing with was like, see, now that they are happy, you can make them even sadder! because once, they were happy! and i think this song is a bit reverse of that. things suck, and you keep going. theres nothing left to say about it.

anyway, i think this song says about me that i am depressed but what is new there. my favorite line is all of them. god ive decided to pick lines. so i would say that. despite liking individual lines more, i think my favorite line is when it goes

But I keep pushing On and on and on and on

or when it goes and instead of but. i think it contrast is what makes the song powerful. im tired, and im lost, and everything hurts, and im giving up but im still going. im falling but im pushing on. theres nothing i can do and nothing i can say. im pushing on. what a very modern tragedy. ill stop now before i go in circles.

grumpy side note. i think If you could only save me/I'm drowning in the waters of my soul… could be improved. this whole song has been internally driven until then, and then the song gives the spotlight moment to a desperate wish that someone else could save me/us/you. pah.

also fuck rocks. im sorry if someone reading this is a rocks liker but i am not.

2. Well now that we've got a a bog standard answer I'll put All My Friends by LCD Soundsystems for the umpteenth time. I won't make everyone sit through this ramble again. I think this song also says about me that i am a depressed zillenial.

i genuinely cant pick a single line. if im picking one part then that means im not picking another

in general i think this whole song is. regrets and nostalgia bound together. lives youve lead. mistakes youve made. people who have come apart from you just as it is. losing yourself to the grind but also living. this whole verse is

It comes apart The way it does in bad films Except the part Where the moral kicks in Though when we're running out of the drugs And the conversation's grinding away I wouldn't trade one stupid decision For another five years of life

And its like. life is coming apart. we're coming down of the life of living and being young and being in the moment. theres no moral to this story. just entropy. and despite that. despite all that. i wouldnt give any of it away. everything has lead me here and i- i am not just happy with that. i wouldnt take five more years worth of chances in exchange for the one shot to change what ive been

i think its pretty aspirational

theres another song i like to listen to that has a theme of even the mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. i think. eh. i think these aspirations are useful. i think we can find happiness even if the past is sad.

anyway all of these are my favorite lines. this is another one i listen to in the car even though i shouldnt.

3. DID I SAY STOP BEING MAUDLIN I MEANT START HARDER. Wide Open - Chemical Brothers after about a million hours listening time i am becoming slightly immune to this one though.

tbh the lyrics arent particularity striking to me but the whole combination of everything is just MAGICAL. plus theres like four whole words in the song. but since ive decided to make myself pick lines, im going to go with the chorus Slow me down/It's getting away from me

4. OH OH. OH I WANT TO PUT. Hm. I think this might not count but i've written almost an essay about this one and i listen to it critically so I think it fits the definition of Listen listen to. Truth Despair and Hope, FE8, Saki Haruyama, Yoshihiko Kitamura, Yoshito Hirano. im mentally ill about this song re: how it blends storytelling and music.. i'll tell you how ill i am about this song i dug up my exhiled FE blog (nobody @ me there i wont see it) to find what i wrote about it [long eyes emoji post with timestamps][a shorter post that i DID NOT FINISH ELABORATING ON???? but i think is more insightful and important analysis of the story/song meld]

anyway. its not like. a song on my playlists. its just like the only music ive every done serious analysis on voluntarily and because i once said if this song was a person i'd marry it. also help i managed to avoid putting any of these songs on while writing and now ive failed and i cant turn it off. im worked up about this again. its about teh WEAVING OF THREE DISPARATE TALES EACH ALIKE IN MEANING EXCEPT WHEN VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF THE OTHER. WHO IS TRUTH? WHO IS DESPAIR? WHO IS HOPE? WHO IS WORKING THAT SICK ASS BASS LINE? THIS SONG AND ITS TRIO OF PARTS (okay i count four in several parts but yknow) HAUNT ME

this one doesnt have lyrics so i cant have a favorite one. my favorite part i think would be the bass from 0:30-0:45

5. there are better candidates for 5, but i spent a week on internal debating and if i dont pick a 5 im never going to. in the spirit of something more cheerful than the prior, im picking Where the Streets Have No Names which is by U2. so, for reasons i wont get into, i have been flying on planes regularly for most my life. this is my Plane Song. i dont listen to it very often because like. the atmosphere. has to be: you are squished into your window seat. its fucking BAKING hot because the sun in magnified on you. it is also FREEZING because youre on a plane. you are squished like the sardine with a stranger and your leg hurts from playing the cant touch anyone anxiety game. and youre tired from getting up early or staying up late and youre unrelated, slightly dozy because the whole process is a stress and theres the tremendous white noise of the massive engines leaking in through your very worn earbuds. and theres the minute vibrations of your tiny metal tube, and you are looking out the baking hot window and there are clouds and clouds and clouds and SUN. and you are nowhere in the world on your way to somewhere else. and it doenst matter if thats a good somewhere or a bad somewhere. your in the Sky now. and it is beautiful

anyway i havent flown lately as you might imagine. plague and all that.

im going to cheat and pick two lyrics. We're still building then burning down love/Burning down love because i like it and i like how it sounds in the song. i like the sound more than the next lyrics but i like the next lyric better, which is And when I go there/I go there with you/It's all I can do

im very disappointed i couldnt sneak in a complextro song or one of the glitchy ones. but tbh i listen to those because they distract half my brain, allowing me to focus. they arent really for Listening listening to.

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okey i know several of yall do NOT like tag games and i cant remember who right now so i will wait on tagging. but if you want to do it please tag me and i will skedaddle over and give some songs a listen!

#long post #WOOF THAT TOOK FOREVER #THE INTERNAL DEBATES LASTED A WEEK #that was fun though #ask games

[payphonex]

Well, this is the first time I've written in almost 3 years. I'm not even sure what to say, honestly. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.

Am i supposed to be angry? in love? sad?

lost?

Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. I gave up everything for this toxic relationship. I stopped going to bars, seeing my friends. i stopped talking to anybody especially over text because everything would be read. I stopped taking phone calls unless i was home alone, which was rare. I learned to shut up, not talk about my emotions because it would be such a big fight; i wasnt paying attention to how she felt when i was upset. Even now, as im writing this i am terrified she'll see it.

She'll say something, she always does. She'll disapprove and ill be in trouble.

again.

We broke up, about 3 weeks ago. I moved to Tennessee. Im finally with my dad. Honestly, the only reason i didnt stay in town was because i finally had the courage to block my mom.

Maybe the universe was telling me it was time to go.

I finally listened.

I dont know how to feel anymore. What im supposed to feel, ya know? In some aspects i feel numb. Im alone out here, truly alone. I guess the good thing about that is i cant get hooked on cocaine again.

I crave it all the fucking time. Being sober for 2 years really doesnt matter when i still smell it laying in bed.

I guess i can thank my sobriety on my now ex, we did get sober together. I cant thank her enough for that.

You know, its weird being back on here. I feel like i could throw up just downloading the app. My old account was deleted, my ex swears it wasnt her but im sure ill never know.

I found you again, i re-read some of things you had written. I really have been looking through rose coldered glasses when it came to you. The pain of losing you in my life was so fucking real for months.

atleast until i realized you truly threw me under the bus. like i was just some freak obsessed with you. I loved you, you were my family.

we were 'inseperable'. Remember? you said that.

"I understand that it'll never be us, part of me knew that it never would be, but i decided to let you fall anyway. make me think it was wrong."

You remember that? you wrote that. I can finally let you know,

it.

was.

wrong.

Because youre so stuck in my fucking head that it is hard to breathe. People still tell me about you, I could never truly get away from you.

I cant forget those nights.

I never could wipe away the fucking smell of lavender and vanilla

Ive never been good at cleaning windows either. Im sure your finger prints are still covering the view i could have had.

You've always been such a good liar. Keeping my at your hip for a backup plan just long enough to leave me drowning again.

The last time i heard your voice was the night my ex called you. I was plastered, black out drunk. I found out my tumblr was deleted that night.

I hit her. Busted her lip because i couldnt let go of you. So she called you. Of course you didnt answer, but the next morning you called me off of a friends phone. She forced me to answer the call.

You sounded like you fucking hated me. Why?

because you lead me on? because you got caught up in the consequences of YOUR actions?

you responded to me! when i wrote about you. You always replied. always.

It was never "leave me alone" or "we need to stop this"

You played me. you fucking used me.

you.

you fucking hurt me.

and i shouldve known better. but youre angry at me? annoyed with me?

it was easy for you to drop me, wasnt it?

I liked one of your posts. im sure youre gonna block me now. i bet you didnt even read this.

im letting you go. i guess this is my goodbye. im moving on and it feels good to finally express myself again. dont worry, my tumblrs always been my own private thing, noone you know will see this, incase youre embarrassed.