#But its definitely weighing on me

[nonjuxtaposed]

.

#Sooo my brother who i havent been on speaking terms with for several years started talking to me recently #Its been a week or two but im still reeling a bit from trying to adjust to this #He reached out bc he got dumped and he needed support which is kind of sweet and ive been trying to be there for him #But #All he wants to talk about is the ex gf and how much he loves her or how sad and heartbroken he is and im getting a little worn down #It doesn't help that he occasionally sends me just absolutely bleak and depressing texts when hes having a rough day #And it kind of freaks me out sometimes and there was one day i almost got someone to go check on him #Its just wild how weve gone from refusing to talking to each other to me realizing i care about him so much and want him to be ok #Currently he just can't fathom how he can go on without her and im slightly too aro to relate but it breaks my heart seeing him this sad #I'm worried im the only person in the family who's checking in on him and can have productive convos about mental health a #I know our moms way more useless at feelings stuff than me so 🤷‍♂️ #But its definitely weighing on me #At least my own depression episode seems to be finally mostly over

[newvegascowboy]

in yalls opinion, where does the line between "im being a good friend and helping them out no matter what" vs "this person is using me and i don't notice" occur?

#not fallout #kal talks #this has been pointed out to me about a relationship i have several times lately #and idk how to address it #because this is my best and oldest friend. i know this person and i trust this person #but several people have said this to me about them over the last few months #and like... i dont FEEL like this person is using me #i dont feel like our relationship is uneven i guess. i know their circumstances and its been bad for a long time #and i want to say ive supported them no matter what #because again theyre my best friend #but there have definitely been points in my past where i let people use me or manipulate me or lie to me #and im like 'well theyre my friend surely this isnt a bad thing or a red flag' #like. idk. this has been weighing on me recently #i have no idea how to bring it up with them

[marathedemonoverlord]

Lesson 17 Hard Mode Spoilers(???)

Just finished Lesson 17 Hard Mode ( Don't @ me. I'm taking anything I can get to stay invested ) and like.... Did Michael just love bomb the Angels? (ಥ ͜ʖಥ)

Maybe my ass just hates gifts cause I'm so difficult but like... Weird doting vibes- Anyways weirdly I feel bad for Raphael being caught in the middle of it all - He's so awkward I see myself in him (ಥ ͜ʖಥ)(ಥ ͜ʖಥ)

#obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me nightbringer lesson 17 hard mode #obey me nightbringer lesson 17 hard mode spoilers?? #obey me nightbringer spoilers?? #Does this count as a spoiler? its literally two lines of dialogue... Interesting dialogue mind you but I'm not saying what it entailed. #I'm going through a phase of always loving men i cant have #I was obsessed with Simeon and Solomon but I feel like I get Raphael #Maybe I just dont like anybody and the fact Raphael dont like anything connects me to him #Imagine just trying to do your job as an Angel and Simeon makes it difficult - Like okay Karen take the kids and go LOL #I'm kidding Simeon's not a Karen I hope... He definitely makes life difficult for angels and demons alike #I like Simeon :> #No but like I don't try to weigh in anything with Michael cause we don't know him we only get pieces but this story bit... #I can't tell if hes mad doting with dad vibes that spoils every kid he meets or if he's someone who knows what hes doing giving gifts #I wonder if Michael and Diavolo would ever have a dynamic or ever conversed I feel like they are two people pulling Lucifer in directions #And of course Diavolo would be painted as the “good” option based on the angle of everything then Michael... #They'd probably either paint him as the opposite of Diavolo or similar to Diavolo except with darker elements under a saintly smile #Idk my mind's tired and rolling don't @ me #Still pretty odd huh.

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[saggitterrorist]

Current shadow work project:

Shame.

#it’s quite intriguing how shame can rule over us through conditioning we’ve gone through and then further developing this individual #that you barely recognize as you age and learn yourself #then suddenly you look in the mirror and say hmmm that def not me but this character #is so deeply rooted in its role and the actor and the true character conflict in the most dramatic ways #this is definitely a fight for who younger me wanted and needed to be without the shame life weighed on me #I guess an inner rebel is a past shameful persons best friend

[spacebugarts]

I was talking about bugs at my therapy appointment today and my therapist asked how I knew so much about them like girl I was JUST telling you I was looking into getting an autism diagnosis

#i mean its a valid question but the timing was so funny to me #bestie i am exhibiting symptoms of the Knowing Things disorder #i like collecting info especially on silly lil guys <3 #therapy #autism #asd #i did make some progress today tho! she gave me some sources I can look into about adult diagnosis! #yay!!! #ive been weighing the options and I definitely think its worth pursuing #if it can help me maintain a job by getting the resources I need then its worth the downsides #bc ive been struggling so hard trying to find a place that wont cause constant meltdowns and burnout #inalso think its important to note that I only thought to make this post bc I was working on tattoo designs for my dnd character #and while drawing the phase spider i started thinking about how its not really a spider #bc it doesnt have a distinct split between the abdomen and cephalothorax but seems to have more of a fleshy 'neck' connecting them? #and i mean it makes sense since theyre fae creatures and not beasts but its still so weird and interesting to me! #anyways back to giving my bb cool tattoos!

[caffeinatedopossum]

I want to exercise despite being sick right now and I know that's a bad idea but. But hear me out. ...amxiety go brr 😢

#also autism and adhd because working out is like mega stimming #plus i listen to music while i work out and its just all around really fun #and i wantttt toooo >_< #fucking disabled body ;-; im exhausted but im still on the fence about doing this or not #im just having to weigh the pros and cons #like if i dont exercise i feel bad because i didnt do anything and also because my routine changed #but if i do i probably wont gain any of the benefits from working out (aside from feeling mentally slightly better for a moment) #and im much more likely to injure myself and either way it will almost definitely make me stay sick longer #hmm am i impatient enough to be done being sick to skip the zoomies... that is the question #yeah i think so. i think im just gonna sleep

[widevibratobitch]

i need to dye my hair i need to cut my hair i need to bleach my eyebrows again i need to shave them off completely i need to DO something i need CHANGE or ill go insane

#sorry im panicking for no reason whatsoever and need to do THINGS to my mortal body but like. #something that will not cause any actual harm because we dont do that here sir na-ah not anymore #also swinging a bat at the part of my brain that keeps telling me i need to lose weight because i liked my face better X kg ago #and also i need to step on the scale and check how much i weigh now cause what if ive put on weight since spring (i most definitely did) #also my mom keeps nagging me about going to that super great endocrinologist again but last time i went i told him i had an ED and he went #'yes very sad. anyway' and weighed me and told me the number anyway. but hey! he also said #'i have fatter patients than you its ok dw your situation isnt that bad we can concentrate on losing that weight later' so its cool :)))))) #(its not. im never fucking going there again id rather rip my whole thyroid out of my throat with my bare hands) #also i really want that rhinoplasty but more than a failed surgery im afraid of betraying my ideals lol #its much easier to be anti make up or anti plastic surgery or preach about self love and acceptance when you're naturally pretty lol #anyway. fucked up mental state rn idk why it was fine an hour ago kms

[dirtytransmasc]

me: sick on top of being chronically ill and in a massive flare, dizzy, bodies on fire, my bones hurt, my heart currently beating out of my chest, etc. so I feel like absolute shit and like I might pass out.

my family (who I'm currently staying with): invites other family, including a small child over

my family: makes me home our big ass dog back so she doesn't tackle said child (she's friendly, that j god, just a bit... overzealous in her affections)

my dad: looks at the multiple able bodied, not sick, not in pain, not on the verge of passing out, people, this g to find someone to help him.

my dad: "hey you, yeah you, the sick one, the one who looks dead on their legs, the one who shouldn't be interacting with family let alone the food they will be eating, come shuck corn, bring it out to the grill (it's like 90 degrees, I thought I was dying the second I opened the door), and complete this list of small house errands (including going into the luckily finished attic, basement, and out to the trash) 😃👍"

me: first off, I hope you all get this bug (besides the baby, everyone else are onlookers who could have stepped in), second off, when I pass the fuck out, it's all your problems.

(small note, I know this sucks and everything, and the nice thing to do seems like it should be comforting words and apologies, but I need dark humor and jokes right now, cause pity and kind words, while assumingly genuine, will only piss me off in my current state, cause it's all I get from my sucky family and it just triggers something deep inside me)

#the audacity is fucking wild #my dad definitely takes advantage of my inability to handle conflict and therefore inability to say no #and my family takes my “compliance” amd “willingness” as a sign to not step in despite my obvious distress #im tired #my head feels like it weighs an extra 30 pounds #my nose is on fire #ive had this bug for days #my POTS and chronic pain was already flared up but now its ten times worse #I feel like I might actually die #I have erythromelalgia which makes my hands and feet burn in response to my POTS. heat. and stress #so lets just say I feeling like im standing on hot coals and my hands are on fire #loving that too #someone end me #disabled #disability #pots syndrome #chronic pain

[babygirlcowboy]

I'm not gonna lie guys the post concert depression has been hitting me so hard lately I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore or who I am as a person I'm listening to fall out boy songs like they will give me the answers but all it's giving me is a male manipulator complex :/

#I have a doctor's appointment on monday....which I still dont have insurance and I told them that but its required so they are #making me pay for it out of pocket #like bro I understand I went from a once a month check-up to not going at all and like I get that I have issues that need to be tended to #but forcing me to pay hundreds of dollars to get weighed and my blood pressure checked and talk to the doctor about my medications #is definitely not going to help me in anyway shape or form #anyway I'm just upset and sad #like fuck pete wentz we're really in for it now :/

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i dunno what i planned to do today. but it wasnt spening 8am-5.30pm weighing samples #just like i didnt plant to spend 11am-6.30pm yesterday weighing samples. but sometimes the universe doesnt let u choose #mostly i feel bad that our undergrad had to do all that time with me when she has all her class work as well and #like i dont care abt the project and ive been with it every step of the way. it was nice talking with her tho #fucking exhausting bc i talked the ENTIRE TIME bc i cant handle lulls in conversation. but ive been assured im not annoying so whatever #god. my boss asked me yesterday if id gotten to relax this last week and its like. i mean compared to the fucking month ive had? yes #but probably not by the standards of a normal person. i definitely havent been getting enough sleep #and tomorrow i habe to go in at 8 and in theory im supposed to go to a retirement party tomorrow at noon #and the guy is a rambler so who knos how long ill b there. and im already socially drained. thrn monday i should start with my other #project again. but i habe to check the machine and im just gonna have to go full on no breaks until mid may #so whej will i get a break? in theory after may 14th. so fucking frustrating #and im not mad at anyone specifically. i just hate this project and cant wait to quit and move #so now im gonna fucking draw more too earnest narut0 fanart and avoid the things i should b doing #bc im fuckine exhausted. literally i was standinf from 9.30 to 3pm with not breaks bc idk i didnt look at the time #and im not running today apparently bc im too tired and the sun is gonna set in 20min >:-[ #ay ay ay. 2023 my year of hatred and rage #wah. i don't wanna drive tomorrow 😫 #unrelated

[marklikely]

theres been a lot of talk about cinemasins again lately and idk how i feel cause on one hand its definitely untrue when people act like they invented this nitpick, shallow plot-hole-ding style of movie criticism and maybe they get way too much shit for that, but on the other hand they are just so very annoying & obviously wrong and therefore easy to use as scapegoats

#also 'cinemasins style' is a perfect name for this time of commentary #avpost #idk its definitely not true that they invented this type of content #because even just specifically on youtube doug walker has been aroun since 2008 or so. #even then idk if you can say that these youtubers created or popularized this nonsense or if its just always been an issue #and they just made shows out of it. i mean maybe its always been widespread and thats how they got popular in the first place #i dont know because im too young to weigh in on that. i was not around for a world of film criticism pre youtube. #but also i feel like theyre definitely promoting this lazy shallow content as 'deep and So Smart' to their fanbases which is worth debunkin #debunking** #plus like i said theyre just so easy to target because its literally so easy to refute a cinemasins video if you just turn ur brain on #im also just not sure how to go about talking abt this type of content in general cause on one hand it annoys me so so so much #but also idk im not immune to liking stuff like this. ill watch a bad movies and a beat. ill watch a kurtis conner #but even then for me when i go in the top comments and everyones acting like this is serious and intellectual criticism #or when those creators try to discuss a serious film in the same way and its just a complete failure #its still kind of annoying. its hard for me to parse what makes it work and what makes it fail. #i guess just you have to be funny and cant take yourself too seriously as soon as you take yourself too seriously it all falls apart

[noxtivagus]

went out for a walk w my mom earlier n the moon was so pretty 🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #i love taking pictures of the moon. even if the pics don't really capture its whole beauty #n pics of ppl i love c: #the moon was so clear tho!!!! #i love going out for walks when it's already rather dark outside #it's so calming and peaceful #oh & my mom bought us a new bracelet >< #mine's moonstone #bruh idk what tf i'm doing rn #looking at my pfps n social media i rmb #there was a time where i used to really be #all black. literally just yeah #black's still my fave color but #yeah definitely this year i think my identity n likes #have become even more defined #i'm less than a month away from being another year older n #hmmm though i have regrets i can say that i am ultimately proud of all i've done. and so much more i'd do #in my own time i'll forge success/improvement/development that i can continue to be proud of because it is mine #that said however there are things that are weighing in my head n placing a burden on me #in particular with words and voice and productivity. both in my studies and my own life #but i'm capable. i know i'm capable. i just need to make sure i don't break myself by isolating from others #destroy myself by denying the more intricate and fragile aspects of my humanity #as long as i stay true to myself then it'll all be alright. i shouldn't worry so much about the rest of the world #not in a selfish way though. rather i #actually wait i need to get rid of my shyness n anxiety basically ;;;; #one at a time! i need to be patient with myself. always keep kindness hope and love for life in my heart and mind #i'm rambling again uwahh >.> BUT IT'S OK. I CAN DO THIS. EVERYTHING. YEAHHH #the moon was so pretty tho 🥺 i'm really such a writer romantic n dreamer at heart hehe #i've been feeling rather lost these days so quiet moments like these mean so much to me when time goes by so fast. #hmm so much thoughts n emotions n to do but it's ok!!!! kindness n patience is the best thing i can give myself rn

[fuckjod69]

i want to reread gtn and htn but i know it will do irreparable damage to me and my reading pace atm so i’m resisting but my god would it cure me

#also reading n//ona would definitely cure me too #of what? #everything #i don’t have anyone to talk to abt this lol but i want to buy crystal skulls to add to my lil shrine #but i’m unsure what crystals to do for each book.. #i like a couple :/ but idk if i can get all 4 without knowing the last cover #or i could say fuck it and buy them anyways LOL #sigh.. #idk i wish i had friends to talk to abt tlt because i just love it so much and my friend that’s read the series doesn’t remember much so we #cant…. talk about it and it weighs on me a lot lmao #and when i told her i don’t bring up the series much anymore bc i wanna talk abt it and she got mad at me bc she never asked me to stop #talking abt it but like it’s fucking difficult to talk abt something excitedly and only get ‘yeah’ in response lmfao #i want to have a conversation about it i don’t want to just say a million things and only get ‘yeah’ it’s fucking disheartening #so. we don’t talk abt the series at all anymore lmao whatever #whatever! #went on a rant my bad i’m just. i feel repressed with my love for the series bc i can’t talk abt it so i just get depressed and block it out #instead #so i’m gonna try to be more active on here and talk abt tlt bc i really do love it a lot it ruins me its my death #cliche: if u wanna talk to me abt tlt please do!!!!! i’m dying!

[seeminglyseph]

Dragged my Lake playthrough back to before the goblin camp and did a little progress before deciding I’m tired. Gonna head forward with him or Py tomorrow, I think Lake will be my Gale playthrough and Py will be my Astarion playthrough actually since Py already has unlocked so many more Astarion scenes anyway and Lake… idk. Honestly since he’s my little shit lord healer it makes sense for him to have a project with a chronic ailment to tend to.

Also since I’m already prone to allowing “wizard hubris” it’s probably for the best not to throw another wizard at Gale I would just be like “oh my god that was so cool I can’t believe you Icarus’d yourself while bedding Mystra you’re so fucking amazing let’s team up and make even bigger mistakes *twirls hair and giggles*”

Like what is the point of a wizard if not to do a hubris? It’s why they live in towers, so they can fall from great heights in very dramatic and beautifully tragic ways. It’s the narrative purpose of a wizard. I don’t know if I could resist.

Dating Astarion as a wizard and just being a good friend to Gale might keep me from doing a wizard hubris. Py would be a bad influence on Gale, he would convince Gale to do more hubris. That doesn’t make grammatical sense but I don’t care.

#seph plays bg3 #i’m very tired #sometimes aspects of characters come out when you don’t expect them #Py just kinda became shaped by gameplay and now he’s just more and more chaotic neutral than chaotic good #I didn’t really mean to but here we are… I thought lake was neutral but he’s definitely good #Py is aligned to his and his people only and that’s all that matters #lake has an actual like… belief in societal norms to some degree to a point where laws hold some meaning #in so far as like… community and helping people growing strong together #Py will weigh the individual above the community #if he knows the individual personally because he’s kind of selfish and doesn’t feel like changing #‘not like the community is about to change its opinion on me. so why should I?’ #very bitter little shit

[sunlightera]

did 35 minutes on the elliptical today (on level 2!) and made it a WHOLE MILE!! i thought it would take me longer to get to this point but! it just makes me really excited for what i can accomplish by the end of this year!

#neon.txt #im also cutting calories a little trying to get down to a healthier weight #yknow. trying to be more healthy overall #(before anyone comes at me. i have previously had very severe issues w binge eating and weigh 300+ lbs) #(im a lot more focused on activity and nutrition than weight loss but also losing weight would definitely help me pass better also! so like #(im not into diet culture or w/e fat people are hot i just want to break some of my worse habits and feel better) #and i do feel a lot better ! its crazy how much better my whole body feels after i exercise #i bought this vegetable powder stuff i can put in my smoothies thats got nutrience in it to make up for stuff i cant eat cause of audhd #and like !! it feels good to put something in my body that is Good for It and not just. chicken nuggets and ramen and shit