#Eddie thinks he is so clever but really he is a disaster man | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

muertawrites · 2 years

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If I asked you to do all of the alphabets sfw and nsfw? 😅

If not, sfw: D R J K and nsfw: A R F P

alphabets actually get kind of tedious and boring to write all in one go so i'd rather just write them as prompts

SFW:

Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Eddie wants to find a life partner, yes. But settle down? No. He's too free spirited for the whole "white picket fence" thing. He doesn't plan on settling anywhere until his body physically can no longer handle fucking around and finding out, but he does want someone to share it with. What he wants more than anything is to love someone and be loved in return.

Housekeeping wise, he's a disaster. He puts off housework until it gets completely out of hand. He's messy and chaotic and he thinks grilled cheese counts as a nice home cooked dinner. Precious but not house trained.

Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they're jealous?)

Super jealous. Not in the possessive "if I can't have you no one can" way, but in the "I'm scared I'm not good enough and if someone better comes along you're going to leave me" way.

That doesn't mean it doesn't come out as aggression, though. He gets pretty testy towards anyone who might try to distract your affections. He gets tense, wrapping an arm around you in a very protective stance, keeping you as close as possible to him. His words come out really short and hostile to whoever the perceived competitor is.

When he's alone with you (after all threats have been eliminated) he gets very clingy and overly affectionate, holding you as if he wants to fuse bodies so he can be sure you're always with him. He's a very sensitive boi <3

Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Eddie's kisses are hot. He doesn't usually do a little peck on the lips (only in public, and only when he's trying to behave). He likes to kiss you long and deep, preferably with a little bit of tongue or a nibble on your lower lip. If he's kissing you anywhere but your mouth, those kisses are sloppy and wet but in the most weirdly affectionate way.

He'll kiss you anywhere and everywhere. If it's in reach of his lips, it's fair game. He could spend hours having a steamy makeout session with you.

Our poor touch starved boy is very sensitive, so almost anywhere you kiss him is bound to drive him crazy. What gets him most are his collarbones, though, and the crook of his neck. If you kiss - or heaven help him start sucking - him there, he'll start moaning like you're doing way more than just smooching.

Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

All the times you've bantered with each other, or laughed so hard you couldn't breathe. Clever things you've said to him are scrawled on the edges of his many notebooks, and he'll randomly start laughing at things that happened months ago.

[nsfw below the cut]

Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Lovey. Just. The softest man who ever lived. He showers you with little kisses, takes so much care cleaning you up, and gives you so much praise it's almost too much.

"You're so beautiful, baby. So good to me. You're so fucking gorgeous. I don't think even Venus herself is as pretty as you." (boy is like first in line to get smited by the gods for his blasphemy. also the past tense of "smite" is ACTUALLY "smote"?? i thought that was a joke that sounds RIDICULOUS)

Liked taking showers after sex. It's a very soft and intimate thing, which he feels makes up for the fact that sex with him often isn't soft or imitate.

Favorite Position (this goes without saying)

His favorite "normal" position is doggy. He likes it because he can get super deep and spank your ass / thighs. Also likes to bend over you and bite your shoulder or neck while he fucks you. He does also like reverse cowgirl but not as much - doggy is better because he can get closer to you.

For the more... creative ones, it's a tossup between the Stand and Deliver and the Pinball Wizard.

He loves Stand and Deliver (I stg that is NOT the site I thought I'd get a good reference from) when he's feeling more dominant. He likes holding your wrists and pinning them for leverage behind you, fucking you until you can't keep yourself standing anymore.

Pinball Wizard he likes for multiple reasons. 1) Killer name. 2) He can use his hands or a toy to pleasure you from the outside while his cock gets you nice and deep. 3) If you have tits he can watch them bounce. Man's not complicated - he likes boobs.

Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Eddie Munson likes it rough. He's practiced in the art of edging and loves to overstimulate you. He loves knowing that he can make you feel insanely good, like take you to fucking nirvana good, and he will do it. Again and again. Until you can't take it anymore.

Aftercare and pretty much everywhere outside the bedroom is where he gets his affection in.

Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah. Oh yeah. His porno mags aren't just for jerking off to. Anything he can try (with the consent of his partner), he will.

The only thing he won't do is the really hardcore stuff - bodily substances other than cum, noncon, serious physical or psychological injury, etc.

#eddie munson #eddie asks #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x gn!reader #eddie munson x reader smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #sfw alphabet #eddie munson headcanon

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dragonmuse · 2 years

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Smutty suggestion: Stede and Eddy first time after the Kraken reveal 👀

Alternatively, Lucius and Izzy breakthrough moment during sex, could be that first time but doesn’t have to be 👀

YOURE the best and I love this au 🥰

(listen, it just felt wrong NOT to do Eddy and Stede too. Thank you all for your encouragement and kindness in this matter. The window has closed, but it was quite a good window, I think.)

They stepped back into the apartment in street clothes, but both their faces still caked with makeup. Stede waited as Eddy unlaced her boots then leaned down to kiss her so thoroughly and completely that Eddy started judging the mechanics and wisdom of doing it right here on the fragile spindly bench by the door.

“Shower with me?” Stede asked like they might say no.

“Yeah,” Eddy got to their feet eagerly.

It was decadent to stand beneath the streaming water with him, letting him delicately wipe away every trace of foundation and lipstick.

“You were amazing,” he said again as if they might’ve forgotten how he felt about it in the hour since they’d been on stage. “I can’t believe you did all of that.”

“Neither can I,” Eddy admitted, sagging against the tile when he released them at last, satisfied that they were cleansed. “What a rush.”

“It is quite a high,” Stede said, exactly like a man who had probably never done coke and punched a person twice their size. For the best.

“I really fucking love you,” Eddy told him because it was very worth repeating.

“I love you so much,” Stede almost groaned and stepped in closer, one hand landing just by her ear. He leaned in and then unexpectedly pressed his cheek to theirs, then kissed their jaw. “I did like the beard, but this is...you have an amazing face.”

It was still sensitive from the close shave, but Stede’s lips were soft and tender, sending shivers down their back.

“Thanks,” they titled their head against the tile, giving him room to explore the newly revealed territory. “Grew it myself.”

“You’re horrible,” Stede laughed. He stepped in closer and took the invitation.

It was a slow, languid entanglement until the thick steam left Eddy a little light-headed. Her hair would be an absolute disaster in the morning if she didn’t do something with it, but she was too blissed out to care.

“Fuck me,” she all, but ordered and Stede groaned.

“I will, but we should probably lay down.”

Distantly, Eddy was aware that her feet and legs were aching with the unfamiliar time in high heels, and she had to sigh in agreement. They stumbled out of the bathroom and all, but tripped into bed, unwilling to unhand each other to make a more graceful landing.

“You should always be in silk,” Stede murmured as he moved down their body.

“Yeah all right,” she stroked every inch of him she could reach, his shoulder, his neck. Her fingers brushed through damp hair. “Drown me in it.”

“I will.”

When he reached her cock, he stopped a moment to take it in. He always did that and at first it had made Eddy squirm. Now she arched her back a little, splayed her legs and encouraged him on. When he took her in at last, it was like the completion of a thought, the extension of his admiration. One of his hands curved around her hipbone, thumb tracing circles.

It was a brief interlude, getting her warmed through before he got his hands underneath her. She threw her legs over his shoulders for leverage, giving him the space to part the globes of her ass and dive in to devour her.

It had surprised her how much Stede enjoyed rimming. It wasn’t something they’d done much of before, except as a sort of dirty experiment. For Stede it seemed to come standard as foreplay and he clearly enjoyed the hell out of it. It was sexy as fuck, the point of his tongue so clever, hot and quick that fingers were never really the did it for her the same way again.

“How do you want it?” He asked, breathless as he drew away.

Eddy considered, then rolled over, grabbing a pillow to jam under her hips. “Like this.”

“You’re ridiculously beautiful,” Stede stroked a hand down her back. “How am I supposed to resist you?”

“You’re not,” she pointed out. “I think I literally demanded that you didn’t.”

“So you did,” Stede laughed and leaned over her to grab the lube. He paused to kiss her shoulder, swept her hair aside to kiss the back of her neck too. The glass bottle would be warming in his hand, a courtesy that he took as law and she had never encountered before him.

When he sank into them at last, Eddy loosened a moan that seemed to come from her bones. As she’d hoped he would, he settled most of his weight against her, pressing them together, his forehead resting ever so lightly on her shoulder.

It was less a thrust and more an intent gentle rocking as they moved together in a timeless slow dance. As he got more worked up, Stede kissed her back, tongue mapping the lines of fading tattoos. Pleasure, liquid and divine, spread through Eddy.

“Can you get on your knees?” she asked him and he did without question, pulling her up with him as she’d hoped he would.

They resettled, both inhaling sharply as the angle changed. Stede wrapped a hand around Eddy’s cock, stroking slowly in time with her thrusts. That freed her up to reach upwards, cupping the back of his head and twisting for a messy kiss.

All grace flew out the window in those final moments. He thrust into her, rhythm gone to shit and she chased her own bliss, heedless of his ragged motion. She came first, with a punched out groan and barely held herself up long enough for him to finish.

Eddy sank back down onto the bed, rolling up onto her side to catch her breath. Stede stayed where he was, reaching to stroke her thigh, the closest bit in reach. Eventually, he laid down beside her, resting his head on her chest.

“Your heart is pounding,” he mumbled. Eddy made a soft sound of agreement. “Were you nervous tonight?”

“It’s pounding because you just fucked me silly.”

“Oh, well yes I...” Stede trailed off. “You know what I meant, impossible creature.”

“A little,” she admitted. “But then I just got swept up into it.”

“Would you perform with me someday? It’s a fantastic act on your own. I just think it’d be fun.”

“I’d like that a lot,” they smiled to themselves. “You can show me all Leda’s dance moves.”

“I think it’d be more interesting if the Kraken brought her own. You’re definitely going to stick with the name?”

“Yeah,” they idly plucked their fingers through his hair, detangling it as they went. “Was this thing with teeth and claws for so long. Seems right to put a wig and some lipstick on it. Make it something beautiful and campy, you know?”

“Yes,” he shifted closer, their feet touching. “I can’t imagine a better use for it.”

“Wanted to tell you I loved you for awhile,” if her voice dropped to a whisper, well then he was close enough to hear regardless. “For weeks.”

“It’s been on the tip of the tongue for some time for me too, honey,” he huffed a self-deprecating laugh. “There was this morning...oh, you’ll think I’m ridiculous.”

“Too late for that,” Eddy teased. “Tell me.”

“You were still in bed, we’d been up late. I went out to get breakfast and when I got back you were on the couch. And your skin glows against the velvet, you know that?”

“I didn’t,” she said thickly.

“It does. And you looked so at peace there, comfortable and just in my robe like the decadent thief that you are. When I came in, you looked up and smiled at me... I just...I wanted you to be there always. You were so right in that space. I knew right then for sure.”

Eddy went silent for a long moment, trying to absorb that, “Stede....”

“I told you it was ridiculous.”

“It’s not,” she tugged at a lock of his hair. “It’s not at all. I wish I had a moment I could tell you about, but I don’t. It was a lot of small things all piling up until it got big enough to need a name.”

They’d woken up in this bed already lovers not fourteen hours ago. Nothing had really changed. Their feelings were the same really, but Eddy still felt a cosmic shift. In herself, in him. In what they made together.

They fell asleep, sticky and hair in shambles. It was fine. He'd help her fix it in the morning.

#leda house and the kraken verse

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hmslusitania · 3 years

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I was scrolling through your blog and got a wonderful idea. Hear me out. The fire fam. But in a leverage plot. They are all criminals playing Robin Hood and evening the score for the little guy. Idk I just love it and both shows have given me all the found family I could ever desire. But just think, instead of joining the 118, they’ve all had moments where they had to make that choice of what direction to go. And instead of being LAFD they turn to crime. And still find each other. Because yes.

So, Anon, my dearest. This is a screenshot of the table of contents in my "Potential AU Ideas" document. Which I created back on March 9th (I started watching the show on March 1st). You may note that the very first entry is, in fact, a Leverage AU.

I am incredibly unlikely to write it at any point because I am 100% sure I would just do an absolute hatchet job with the plots because I am nowhere near as clever as John Rogers et al, so you have given me an excuse to talk about what the details would be:

To start, we have our Mastermind, Bobby, who used to definitely be on the side of right and good, but disaster struck his family, and you know how that building they lived in was 0% up to code, disconnected sprinklers, faulty alarms, highly flammable materials? Well, the company he worked for insured that building, and do you know who faced zero charges and even made money off this tragedy?

So anyway, he is invited to crime, and would necessarily pick up his crew of the following:

Hen Wilson, an extremely talented hacker

of note, her rival hacker in the other team is Karen. They met back in the 90s in a hacker forum and it takes them several jobs as rivals to realise they're in love, it's great

Karen steals Christmas as a way to flirt with Hen at some point (and donates it all, obviously, because she's Karen)

Eddie Diaz, retrieval specialist.

He's also just like...inexplicably good at basically any physical skill? Need him to play baseball for a job? Check. Need him to be a dance instructor? Check. Need him to be a music star? Check. They have found exactly one (1) thing Eddie can't do and it's cook, but fortunately Bobby's got them covered on that

also, Lena is of course the rival hitter. I don't know why, but the scene in the Last Dam Job where the goon is like "Who are you?" "Well, I'm not Eliot" except with Lena saying it has been absolutely stuck in my head since I first had this passing thought of an au so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chimney, thief

yes his name is just Chimney. No, no other information is available and even Hen can't find it when she goes looking.

Rival thief, appearing both in the Two Live Crews Job, the Inside Man Job, and the Last Dam Job is his little brother instead of his father figure, Albert.

yes this is at least 45% because of John Harlan Kim's role in the Librarians

ANYWAY

They get super duper burned on that first job as a crew and so they need someone new. At which point, Bobby announces that what they really need is Buck. "What's a buck" everyone else asks, and they go to a crap theatre in a dark corner of Chicago where our dear sweet Buckles is just absolutely blundering his entire way through Hamlet. "This is the worst thing I've ever seen," Eddie says, because of course he does.

The story comes out that when Bobby was in his insurance hunter days, he had repeated run-ins with this kid, who had clearly spent way too much of his life deeply unsupervised and turned to art theft on a lark, and Bobby had ended up a sort of surrogate father figure to him (which is why Hamlet instead of the Scottish play because y'know avenge your father rather than encourage your husband to the dark side) and eventually somewhat maybe talked him out of crime! Which leads to the first encounter of the crew as:

Buck: Bobby?!

Bobby: Hey Buck. How've you been?

Buck: Good! Good, I'm acting now instead of grifting, and it's going pretty well actually! You'd be proud of me!

Bobby: I am

Buck: So what are you up to these days?

Bobby: Crime! Want to help?

Buck: oh thank god

ANYWAY (again)

That makes the last addition to their highly effective crew:

Buck, grifter

When Buck has to lay low for a while on account of having to fake his death because of the Freddie Costas thing, he sends another grifter in his place, secretly

he is...a bit miffed when he gets back to find his sister and Chimney have fallen in love, but hey, it means Maddie ends up staying with the Leverage crew on a permanent basis so it's kinda a fifty-fifty scenario

it takes him an embarrassingly short period of time to fall in love with Eddie, which is convenient since it takes Eddie an even more embarrassingly short length of time to fall in love with him. They're just. they're gross. They're absolutely gross.

And where is Athena?

Obviously, obviously, with all her Lawful-Alignment tendencies, Athena has to be the insurance agent-then Interpol agent who keeps having far too amicable run-ins with them. Because she and Bobby used to work together of course, because of course they did. Perhaps they also are somewhat in love? Possibly? Who's to say.

(I've been flipflopping on who would be Maggie for the purpose of this au and I think it might have to be Michael? Bobby gets him into crime -- in frickin' 9-1-1 canon, let alone in an AU -- after he and Athena divorce and it's all so weird between the three of them, but you know, they do all manage to stay friendly despite *gestures vaguely* everything)

So! Yeah! If I felt I had the intelligence to actually write Leverage-style scenarios, this is how I would do it! If you've made it this far, thank you for indulging me.

also, I did sort of write a ficlet on this theme once back when we were all doing the mashup prompts

#the ghost ship scribbles #the ghost ship answers questions #leverage au I will never write my love #9-1-1 #sorry for the long post I got excited #the ghost ship fuses realities

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stydiaeverafter · 3 years

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Ch2: One Bed, Two Hearts, Three Nights

Summary: Buck is extremely sore after a hard day of work—Eddie helps him out.

Rating: M

A/N: I'm so glad you're all enjoying the story so far. I had a lot of fun writing this 2nd chapter. I know it's a bit different from what we saw on the crossover, but things are progressing between these two, and it brings overall joy! Enjoy the chapter - I'm cranking up the heat!

Read on ao3

***

Chapter Two: 2nd Night —

How was it possible to be this sore?

This thought had traveled into Buck's mind as he fell upon the bed as he and Eddie arrived back at the motel after their shift.

They had worked for hours without so much as a break but were making progress on the wildfire. It was enough to feel proud.

But Buck could barely move, even though he knew he was making the blankets all dirty. It was like having a chimney sweeper lie on your grandmother's new white sofa. Good thing it was just the disgusting unwashed motel comforter that could be burned afterward.

That's when he noticed Eddie standing by the bed. "Sorry, I don't think I'll be moving for a while," Buck groaned as he looked up at the ceiling noticing several distinct cracks.

"Nah, man, it's cool. Rest up, I feel it, too," Eddie replied as he bent his neck from side-to-side. "That shift was brutal. I thought I was going to collapse several times."

"Not you, Eddie Diaz. You were the most solid one out there."

"That I doubt," Eddie laughed, "but thank you." He shook his head, "There was that other firehouse, the 126, who were kicking major ass though. I could barely keep up with them."

"Seriously," Buck answered. "They were badasses in the field. When I grow up, I want to be just like them." Eddie laughed in response—Buck's favorite sound.

Buck didn't mention that it was bothering him that he couldn't seem to figure out where he'd seen that mysterious girl from, though. She had looked so familiar. However, tomorrow was another day. "I guess they're just used to the humidity on top of a blazing wildfire." Buck smirked as he looked up towards Eddie, "Probably why you were so successful, too."

"One more day, and you'll be there," Eddie shrugged with an entertaining smirk.

"Not to be dramatic or anything, but I think I'll shrivel up into a melted carcass first."

"Lovely image. But hey, you're halfway there, so that's satisfying at least. The process won't be too grueling."

"I know! Even though I must say, my skin is silky smooth here. Just—"

"Like a baby's bottom?" Eddie suggested raising his perfect eyebrows. "Were you going to add that?"

Buck grinned mischievously, "Perhaps." Then he winked, which was Buck's pitiful attempt at flirting.

His partner knew just about everything there was to know about him.

Well, not everything.

Eddie looked towards the bathroom, "Do you mind, while you're lying there turning into a corpse if I take the first shower tonight? I feel like I can't function with the smell of smoke on me, and I want to call Chris before it gets too late."

"Go for it," Buck responded as he sprawled out his arms, "I'll be here for a while."

Eddie looked at him with a beautiful grin, "Then I'll be sure to take my time."

"Just leave me some hot water, yeah?"

"Hey," Eddie snorted, "karma's a bitch, Buck. It was like Elsa's cavern when you were through with it last night."

Buck joined in with a chuckle and tilted his head up, "I don't know what's more amusing, the fact that you had to take an icy shower or the fact you're bringing Frozen into the conversation."

Eddie shrugged, "Chris likes it."

"Chris or you?"

His friend sat there for a moment then smiled slowly, "All right, fine. I like it. No, I love it, okay?"

Eddie was too damn cute and soft when he wanted to be, usually only around Buck and his son.

"I get it. I get it. Just Let it Go, Eddie."

"Clever," Eddie applauded slowly. "Congratulations, you're a dork. I'm getting in the shower now."

"Be my guest," Buck answered, pointing to the door. He started humming the tune from Beauty and the Beast, a classic, and Eddie grinned again as he closed the door.

Buck smiled. He loved their playful banter. It was always just so comfortable being around the guy.

He touched his chest, and the humor drifted away. Buck recalled how when he had woken up this moment, Eddie had been holding him.

Buck exhaled, thinking about it some more. From the way Eddie's arms had been around him, his palms protectively on Buck's chest, to how Eddie had pressed his lips on his back, his hot breath a soothing embrace.

He had tried and failed miserably about not thinking about it all day. Their bare skin touching each other, and the fact Buck had been harder than a diamond because of it.

Buck had wanted to lace his fingers with Eddie's all day and ached to stay there, together, in their bubble of complete bliss. But duty, their duty, had called.

Eddie had finally woken up, even though Buck hadn't moved, and Buck had heard a shaky breath escape Eddie's mouth.

Slowly, as though his skin was being peeled off, Eddie had moved away and jumped out of bed. Perhaps it had panicked him, but luckily Eddie was polite and seemed happy as they had gotten ready.

But Buck had wanted to cry at the loss of Eddie's warmth, which was a surprise after how hot he had been all night.

Buck was surprised he had been able to focus on the job at hand at all. Now though, he had welcomed the thoughts back.

The room was cooler tonight, and Buck cursed, surprisingly. He debated turning the AC off so he could still sleep in boxer briefs and no shirt. He wanted and hoped to feel Eddie's body against his again even though he wanted to do a lot more than cuddle.

Hell, he wanted to straddle the guy and suck on Eddie's neck until his friend was moaning out his name, with fingers pulling his hair, messing it up entirely.

Buck wanted to move back-and-forth to feel that delicious hard friction that only they could create with one another till they were both sweaty and left panting.

God...he just wanted Eddie's hands all over him, to the point Buck started shaking, speculating about it.

He tried rubbing his arms to calm the aching need for Eddie just to take over his body and winced. Buck wanted it with his best friend in every way without ever seeing an end in sight.

"Do you want me to give you a massage?"

Buck sat up so fast that he cranked his neck, "What?"

Eddie was standing there with a towel around his waist, his hair curling slightly, and water droplets running down that gorgeous chest.

Buck wanted to lick it.

"You're rubbing your arms so hard it seems like you're going to snap them off," Eddie replied. "It's been quite the heavy lifting lately, so I could help relieve some tension if you'd like." He gave Buck a look that he couldn't quite place, "I'm pretty good."

Didn't Buck know it, yet God almighty, did he want Eddie to show him how good it could be in so many ways.

Just friends.

Did Eddie understand what he was offering? What it would mean to Buck?

Just friends.

Eddie was gazing at him with an intense look, staring as if he wanted to devour him.

Jesus, this didn't feel like just friends.

But he had to have Eddie's hands on him, and then, and only then, could he die happy. "Yeah, okay, thanks."

"I'm just going to give Chris a quick call first."

"Sounds good," Buck said. He looked at the bathroom, "I'll go take a shower, so you don't get dirt all over you again." On that clean sexy body, Buck wanted to add.

He shook his head—he was such a disaster.

Buck wanted to talk to Christopher again, but it probably wasn't the greatest of ideas with what he was thinking right now.

"Wouldn't want that," Eddie teased.

Being too turned on, Buck couldn't laugh. He just nodded.

Eddie's slowly faded, and Buck rushed into the bathroom and quickly closed the door.

He closed his eyes and put his head up against the bathroom door, catching the sweet scent of Eddie, wondering if there would ever be a time he wouldn't want Eddie Diaz.

Not in this lifetime, his heart whispered.

***

As Eddie talked to his son and Carla, he couldn't help but wonder what Buck had thought about before stepping into the bathroom. The strangest expression had masked up his face, and he had gone into hiding. Eddie acknowledged that Buck did that from time-to-time, but Eddie never wanted to push him for information that would make him uncomfortable.

There was still so much he didn't know about the guy's past. But then again, they all had a history, and sometimes, it wasn't welcomed with open arms.

His son had wanted to talk to Buck again, of course, but he didn't think Buck was in the mood with how he was feeling. Chris was disappointed, which made Eddie a bit sad. He hated denying his son of anything, but they exchanged their nightly farewells nonetheless.

Afterward, Eddie looked down at his hands. Had he really offered to massage his best friend, who he had deep feelings for? Sure had.

The truth was, he could see Buck was in a bit of discomfort, and he wanted to take care of him. The desire to do so was overwhelming. Also, Eddie hadn't been kidding; he was good at giving massages.

And there was the fact that he wanted, no, craved to touch Buck. The thought made him suddenly flustered, but he shook it off.

When Buck emerged without his shirt but comfy pants on, Eddie felt slightly disappointed. He had hoped for the same attire as last night, but then again, he wouldn't have been able to contain himself with Buck only in his underwear. No way. No, this was the best move for both of them and Eddie's wandering hands.

"How's my little buddy doing?"

Eddie refrained from looking down at the front of his tight pants, surrounded by dirty thoughts, knowing good and well Buck meant his son.

"Chris is good. He and Carla are having a Marvel movie marathon and lots of popcorn."

"Ah man," Buck said, "sounds fun." Then he pouted, "He didn't want to talk to me? I tried to hurry."

Eddie's heart fell into his stomach, "Shoot. I didn't realize. I'm sorry. I thought maybe you were in too much pain, and it wouldn't be the best time."

"I am sore, badly, but I'm never too anything not to talk to that kid."

Beaming, Eddie acknowledged him, "He wanted to, so tomorrow, I promise."

"Deal." Buck rolled his shoulders and bit his full bottom lip that Eddie had dreamed countless times of sucking. "You seriously don't mind?" Buck asked with a sheepish grin.

"Of course not, c'mon."

"Where do you want me?"

Anywhere. Everywhere. Eddie cleared his throat, "The bed is fine." God, why was he so nervous all of a sudden? This man in front of him was Buck, for crying out loud. You mean this gorgeous man you're in love with, his thoughts sang out, torturing him.

Eddie ran a hand through his hair, trying to gain some damn composure.

Buck collapsed ungracefully on the mattress and bounced. They both laughed, and it felt good to feel some normalcy for a change between them. Then again, he had always felt this way for the guy. Eddie had just forced it under the surface.

"Alright, Magic Fingers," Buck announced, propping his face on his crossed arms, "let's see what you've got."

"Magic Fingers, I like that, and be prepared to be amazed."

Buck exclaimed, raising an eyebrow as he looked over at Eddie, "I don't see all your essential oils out on display or hear your instrumental forest soundtrack in the background."

Eddie laughed, shuffling closer to the bed, "How many massages have you gotten?"

"Enough, and yet never enough if you know what I mean."

"Amen to that," Eddie answered. "Unfortunately, I left my essential massage kit at home, so you'll have to do with welcoming sticky humidity and the smell of sulfur surrounding us."

"Just spray your cologne in my direction," Buck replied, putting his face down into his arms, "it always smells nice."

Buck had noticed how he smelled, and the realization made his heart flutter. Eddie grinned, "Do you want me to?"

His friend just shrugged, "It'll remove the forever lingering smoke-smell out of my nose, so why not."

Alrighty then. Eddie walked over to the dresser, grabbed his cologne, and felt a bit ridiculous. But hey, if Buck wanted him to set the mood with a familiar and comforting smell, then so be it, he'd do it. Besides, it flattered Eddie that Buck thought he smelled good.

As he sprayed it around the room, but not too much, Buck made a noise of approval as he sniffed the air like a cute puppy, "Ahh, yes, there it is. Much better."

"I'm so glad I could be of assistance," Eddie said, putting the cologne down and coming back over.

"Now, if you could feed me a grape or two, then I'll be sure to leave you with a four-star rating."

"Why not five?"

"Well, you did forget the oils...so..."

They both laughed, and Eddie flexed his hands, feeling a bit tense himself, "Alright you, hold still."

"Yes, sir!"

Eddie tried to warm up his hands, but he was afraid they had gone a bit clammy. When he finally made contact with Buck's bareback, his friend jumped slightly and then stiffened. "Sorry..."

"No," Buck murmured, "no, it's fine."

He started at Buck's shoulders first, and the feeling of Buck's strong muscular shoulders were leaving Eddie weak in the knees.

When he added a bit more pressure, Buck moaned. Eddie froze, "Let me know if it's too much, okay?"

"It's perfect," Buck responded calmly. But as Eddie continued, he saw Buck's hand grab the sheet in his fist. He really must be sore, Eddie assumed.

Eddie moved to Buck's arms, wanting to help release some of the tension he was noticing, and Buck, as a result, opened his arms up wide, his cheek against the mattress, his eyes fluttering closed.

He was so fucking beautiful, Eddie could barely handle it.

Eddie so badly wanted to caress Buck's cheek with his fingers and then his lips. But he knew that would be going too far.

But he had to get closer—Eddie couldn't help it. He spread his legs on both sides of Buck's feet and leaned down, but not too much,

Eddie's hands slid over Buck's smooth arms until he was by the guy's hands. Buck released his fingers from the sheet and exhaled deep.

All Eddie wanted to do, was lace his fingers into Buck's...instead, he moved back up Buck's body. Buck's eyes fluttered open, and he watched Eddie for a moment, who quickly looked away before he got caught up in the mesmerizing gaze.

His hands trailed down Buck's body to his lower back and pushed deeply, knowing Buck would like this movement. Eddie was rewarded with a moan. That deep sound made Eddie want to do dirty, dirty things to his best friend.

When his palms were on Buck's hips, Eddie licked his lips. He craved to kiss and lick the smooth skin there.

As he started moving a bit slower, even further down Buck's body, he thrust his perfect hips into the mattress.

Holy shit.

Was Buck turned on? He couldn't be...but Eddie sure as hell was. He looked down at his own workout pants and saw the hard tent poking at the fabric.

Being this aroused, Eddie ached to move down to Buck's firm ass, which Eddie had luckily seen once or twice in the firehouse shower. It was a Greek statue of perfection. God, the memory had his body sparking with desire, with a passionate need he'd never felt before. One so intense that Eddie imagined spreading Buck's thighs out wide so he could lick up his hard thick length until Buck was practically panting and screaming out his name.

As if Buck could read his thoughts, his hips started swiveling.

Fuck.

Eddie had to end this. He had to stop right now before he straddled Buck and made sure the guy was leaking out in pleasure.

Peeling his hands from Buck's body caused him actual pain. It was torture. This entire act had been, but even more at the loss of touch.

Buck was biting his lip as he opened his eyes, obviously becoming aware of the loss himself.

They gazed at each other for a moment, and Buck breathed out slowly. "Um...I change my mind."

Eddie cleared his throat, not for the first time, "About what?"

"I'll give you five stars."

As Eddie smiled, he tried to shift his pants nonchalantly so Buck wouldn't see his obvious arousal. He didn't care if he woke up with the worst case of blue balls ever; Eddie refused to make his friend uncomfortable. Hell, they hadn't even talked about any of this yet.

Eddie looked down, hoping he hadn't already overstepped some unwritten friendship boundary.

"Hey," Buck said gently, breaking the silence, "thank you for that. I appreciate it. You were right about being pretty good, Magic Fingers; that was amazing." He started to lift his body off the bed, "I can move my shoulders again."

"Good," Eddie replied. "I'm glad."

Buck twisted back and smiled, wiggling his eyebrows up-and-down, "Would you like me to return the favor?"

Of course, Eddie did, but he didn't trust himself at that moment. Not with where his mind was so clearly taking him. Eddie's body was already sweating, and he felt like he was vibrating all over.

"Rain check?" He said. "I'm feeling pretty tired."

Buck's smile vanished, "Ah, yeah. Okay." Then he crawled to his side of the bed, "You're right. It's late, and we have day three tomorrow. Our last day."

Eddie quickly maneuvered into the bed, to be unseen. Once he was under the covers, he turned off the light.

"But hey, definitely a rain check, okay?" Buck replied in the dark. Eddie thought he caught a sense of longing, but he quickly shook that thought away. "I owe you."

"Absolutely. Pencil me in for tomorrow."

"Duly noted," Buck acknowledged, turning away to face the wall. Eddie could hear him sniff the air as if he wanted more of the scent, which resulted in Eddie smiling some more.

As he closed his eyes, Eddie realized Buck had kept his pants on. He wondered if the guy was finally getting used to the heat.

***

Buck woke up sometime during the night and was pleasantly surprised and relieved that Eddie had once again wrapped his body like a snake around him. Sure, Buck was hotter than hell on earth, probably because he hadn't stripped down, which would've been dangerous with how out-of-his-mind-aroused he had been during that entire massage, but that didn't matter in the slightest.

He rolled his shoulders and smiled. Eddie hadn't been kidding—it had been a damn good massage, but what was more was who had given it to him. The way Eddie had touched his skin left Buck forever marked by the memory. He would now always crave more, especially when Eddie would casually touch him, which would indeed happen; the two were like magnets—attracted to close contact with each other.

So this moment, of Eddie holding him in his embrace, was Buck's oasis. He desired this type of warmth and connection that only Eddie could provide.

Ever so carefully, Buck brought Eddie's hand towards his mouth. Tenderly, Buck pressed his lips onto Eddie's rough knuckles.

He didn't let go of Eddie's hand afterward, nor would he ever again.

"I love you," he whispered in the dark. "I love you."

Eddie sighed in his sleep and snuggled in closer, his lips touching Buck's neck. How was it possible to be this in love?

Buck didn't sleep a wink that night, not that he minded. Instead, he embraced being in the arms of the most important person in his life.

#buddie #buddie fic #911 fox #buck x eddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #bed sharing #friends to lovers #*my fic

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

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The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year.

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

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One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore.

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs.

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

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ryanmeft · 4 years

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Ryan’s Favorite Films of 2019

A stuttering detective,

A top hat-wearing vamp

A forced-perspective war,

A bit of Blaxploitation camp

Prisoners on a space ship

Having sex with bears

A writer goes remembering

Whenever his pain flares

A prancing, dancing Hitler

A gambler high on strife

Here will go cavorting with

A mom who becomes a wife

A family plot with many threads

Three men against their own

A stuntman and his actor

A mobster now quite alone

Doubles under the earth

Two men in a tall house

Are here to watch a woman who

Is battling with her spouse

A family’s plans for their strong son

Go awry one night

A man rejects his country

Which is spoiling for a fight

A house built by his grandpa

(Maybe; we’re not sure)

Looks out upon three prisoners

Whose passions are a lure

All these are on my list this year

It’s longer than before

Because picking only ten this time

Was too great of a chore

What are limits anyway?

They’re just things we invented

I don’t really find them useful

So, this year, I’ve dissented

You may have noticed this time out

That numbers, I did grant

Promise they’ll stay in this order, though?

Now that, I just can’t

I’m always changing my mind

Because, after all, you see

Good film is about the heart

And mine’s rather finicky

There are a lot more I could name

(And I’ll change my mind at any time)

For now, though, consider these

The ones I found sublime

20. Motherless Brooklyn

I’ve got a (hard-boiled) soft spot for 90’s neo-noirs like L.A. Confidential, Red Rock West and Seven, and Edward Norton’s ‘50’s take on Jonathan Lethem’s 90’s -set novel can stand firmly in that company.

19. Doctor Sleep

There’s something about Stephen King’s best writing that transcends mere popularity; his work may not be fine literature, but it is immune to the fads of the moment. So, too, are the best movies based on that work. This one, an engaging adventure-horror, deserved better than it got from audiences.

18. Jojo Rabbit

There was a time when the anything-goes satire of Mel Brooks could produce a major box office hit. Disney’s prudish refusal to market the film coupled with the dominance of franchises means that’s no longer the case. If you bothered to give Jojo a shot, though, you got the strange-but-rewarding experience of guffawing one moment and being horrified the next.

17. By The Grace of God

I’d venture this is the least-seen film on my list; even among us brie-eating, wine-sniffing art house snobs, I rarely hear it mentioned. Focusing on the perspectives of three men dealing with a particularly heinous and unrepentant abusive priest and the hierarchy that protects him, it’s every bit as disquieting and infuriating as 2015’s Oscar-winning Spotlight.

16. Waves

You think Trey Edward Shultz’s Waves will be one thing---a domestic drama about an affluent African-American family (and that in and of itself is a rarity). Then it becomes something else entirely. It addresses something movies often avoid: that as life goes on, the person telling the story will always change.

15. Transit

You’re better off not questioning exactly where and when the film is set (it is based on a book about Nazi Germany but has been changed to be a more generalized Fascist state). The central theme here is identity, as three people change theirs back and forth based on need and desire.

14. American Woman

Movies about regular, working class, small-town American usually focus on men. This one is about a much-too-young mother and grandmother, played brilliantly by Sierra Miller, dealing with unexpected loss and the attendant responsibilities she isn’t ready for.

13. Marriage Story

There is an argument between a married couple in here that is as true a human moment as ever was on screen---free of trumped-up screenplay drama and accurate to how angry people really argue. The entire movie strives to be about the kind of realistic divorce you don’t see on-screen. It is oddly refreshing.

12. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Quentin Tarantino’s love letter to 70’s Tinseltown is essentially a question: What if the murder that changed the industry forever had gone down differently? Along the way, it also manages to be a clever and insightful study of fame and fulfillment, or lack thereof.

11. High Life

Claire Denis is damned determined not to be boring. Your reaction to her latest film will probably depend on how receptive you are to that as the driving force of a film. Myself, I’m very receptive. I want to see the personal struggles of convicts unwittingly shipped into space, told without Action-Adventure tropes, in a movie that sometimes misfires but is never dull.

10. Dolemite Is My Name

And fuckin’ up motherfuckers is my game! Look, if you don’t like naughty words, you probably shouldn’t be reading my columns---and you definitely shouldn’t be watching this movie. Eddie Murphy plays Rudy Ray Moore, the ambitious, irrepressible and endlessly optimistic creator of Blaxpoitation character Dolemite. Have you seen the 1975 film? It’s either terrible and wonderful, or wonderful and terrible, and the jury’s still out. Either way, Moore in the film is a self-made comic who establishes himself by talking in a unique rhyming style that speaks to black Americans at a time when black pop culture (and not just the white rendition of it) was finally beginning to pierce the American consciousness. What The Disaster Artist did for The Room, this movie does for Dolemite---with the difference being I felt like I learned something I didn’t know here.

9. 1917

Breathless, nerve-wracking and somehow intensely personal even though it almost never takes time to slow down, it is fair to call Sam Mendes’s film a thrill ride---but it’s one that enlightens us on a fading historical time, rather than simply being empty calories. Filmed in such a way as to make it seem like one continuous, two-hour take, for which some critics dismissed it as a gimmick, the technique is used to lock us in with the soldiers whose mission it is to save an entire division from disaster. We are given no information or perspective that the two central soldiers---merely two, in a countless multitude---do not have, and so we are with them at every moment, deprived of the relief of omniscience. I freely admit I tend to give anything about World War I the benefit of the doubt, but there’s no doubt that the movie earns my trust.

8. Ash Is Purest White

Known by the much less cool-sounding name Sons and Daughters of Jianghu in China, here is a story that starts off ostensibly about crime---a young woman and her boyfriend are powerful in the small-potatoes mob scene of a dying industrial town---but after the surprising first act becomes a meditation on life, perseverance and exactly how much power is worth, anyway, when it is so fleeting and so easily lost. What do you do when everything that defined you is gone? You go on living. This is my first exposure to writer-director Jia Zhangke, an oversight I must strive hard to correct in future.

7. Knives Out

The whodunit is a lost art, a standard genre belonging to a time when mass audiences could appreciate a picture even if someone didn’t run, yell or explode while running and yelling every ten minutes. Rian Johnson and an all-star cast rescued it from the brink of cinematic extinction and gave it just enough of a modern injection to keep it relevant. Every second of the film is engaging; Johnson even manages to have a character whose central trait is throwing up when asked to lie, and he makes it seem sympathetic rather than juvenile. The fantastic cast of characters is backed up with all the qualities of “true” cinema: perfect camerawork, an effective score, mesmerizing production design. As someone who didn’t much care for Johnson’s Star Wars outing, I’m honestly put out this didn’t do better at the box office than it did.

6. A Hidden Life

After a few questionable efforts and completely losing the thread with the execrable vanity project Song to Song, Terence Malick returns to his bread and butter: meditative dramas on the nature of faith, family, and being on the outside looking in, which encompass a healthy dose of nature, philosophy and people talking without moving their lips. That last is a little dig, but it’s true: Malick does Malick, and if you don’t like his thing, this true story about a German dissenter in World War II will not change your mind. For me, what Malick has done is that rarest of things: he had made a movie about faith, and about a character who is faithful, without proselytizing. That the closeness and repressiveness of the Nazi regime is characterized against Malick’s typical soaring backdrops is a masterstroke, and the best-ever use of his visual style.

5. The Lighthouse

Robert Eggers is a different kind of horror filmmaker. After redefining what was possible with traditional horror monsters in The Witch, he returned with something that couldn’t be more different: an exploration of madness more in the vein of European film than American. Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe are two men stranded in a lighthouse together slowly losing their minds, or what is left of them. The haunting score and stark, black-and-white photography evoke a nightmare caught on tape, something we’re not supposed to be seeing. It’s not satisfying in a traditional way, but for those craving something more cerebral from horror, Eggers has it covered.

4. Us

I have become slightly notorious in my own little circle for not thinking Get Out was the greatest film ever made, and now I’ve become rather known for thinking Us just might be. Ok, so that’s definite hyperbole: “greatest” is a tall claim for almost any horror movie. Yet here Jordan Peele shows that he can command an audience’s attention even when not benefiting from a popular cultural zeitgeist in terms of subject matter. It’s a movie with no easy or clear message, one that specializes in simply unsettling us with the idea that the world is fundamentally Not Right. I firmly believe that if Peele becomes a force in the genre, 50 years from now when he and all of us are gone, his first film will be remembered as a competent start, while this will be remembered as the beginning of his greatness.

3. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Ostensibly about urban gentrification, this story of a young black man trying to save his ancestral home from the grasping reach of white encroachment is a flower with many petals to reveal. Don’t let my political-sounding description turn you off: the movie is not a polemic in the slightest, but rather a wry, sensitive look at people, their personalities and how those personalities are intertwined with the places they call home. Though the movie is the directorial debut of Joe Talbot, it is based loosely on the memories and feelings of his friend Jimmie Falls, who also plays one of the two central characters. If you’ve ever watched a place you love fall to the ravages of time and change, this movie may strike quite a chord with you.

2. Uncut Gems

When asked why this movie is great, I usually say that it was unbelievably stressful and caused me great anxiety. This description is not usually successful in selling it. The Safdie Brothers have essentially filmed chaos: a man self-destructing in slow-motion, if you can call it slow. Howard Ratner has probably been gradually exploding all his life; he strikes you as someone who came out of the womb throwing punches. He’s an addictive gambler who loves the risk much more than the reward, and can’t gain anything good in life without risking it on a proverbial roll of the dice. His behavior is destructive. His attitude is toxic. Why do we root for him? Perhaps because, as played by Adam Sandler, he never has any doubt as to who he is---something few of us can say. He’s an asshole, but he’s a genuine asshole, and somehow that’s appealing even when you’re in his line of fire.

1. Pain and Glory

When I realized I would, for the first time, have the chance to see a Pedro Almodovar film on the screen, I was overjoyed. His movies aren’t always great, but that was of little concern: he’s one of the handful of directors on the planet who can fairly call back to the avant-garde traditions of Bergman or Truffaut, making the movies he wants to make about the things he want to make them about, and I’d never seen one of his films when it was new and fresh, only months or years later on DVD.

It seems I picked right, as his latest has been almost universally hailed as one of the best of his long career. An aging, aching filmmaker spends his days in his apartment, ignoring the fans of his original hit film and most of his own acquaintances, alive or dead---he tries hard to put his memories away. Throughout the course of the movie, he re-engages with most of them in one way or another, coming to terms with who he is and where he’s been, though not in a Hallmark-movie-of-the-week way. Antonio Banderas plays him in the role that was always denied him by his stud status in Hollywood. It isn’t simply him, though: every person we meet is engaging and, we sense, has their own story outside of how they intersect with his. Most engaging is that of his deceased mother, who in her youth was played vivaciously by a sun-toughened Penelope Cruz. Perhaps Almodovar will tell us some of their stories some day. Perhaps not. I would read an entire book of short fiction all about them. This is the year’s best film.

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diazevans · 4 years

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wherever we're standing, I won't take you for granted (cause we'll never know when we'll run out of time)

It's not the first time Eddie has been hurt on the job, and it's not going to be the last, but this time it was so close. One second he was just behind Buck and the next, the building was collapsing and Eddie was just not there. He doesn't remember much after it, only that Bobby and Chimney had hold him back from running straight back there and that an eternity later, they had pulled Eddie from the ground, with just a few scratches here and there.

Buck had not being able to calm himself down for a long while, not even with Eddie's reassuring words against his head, not even with his arms around him.

Eddie is in danger and it puts a lot of things on perspective for Buck.

READ ON AO3

Today has not been easy.

Buck is used to being the one running straight to the fire, to doing things first and asking later, because that's just the person he is. No natural disaster or bombs would ever take that away from him, not ever. It doesn't mean he is not careful, he is, especially now that he has Christopher and Eddie to come back home to, but it's just part of his job. He knows that his boyfriend understands that, so it's logical that Buck would also rationalize that sometimes, Eddie has to behave the same way.

His brain, apparently, did not get the memo.

Buck had not being able to calm himself down for a long while, not even with Eddie's reassuring words against his head, not even with his arms around him.

When he comes back to himself, the anxiety still doesn't leave him. He feels too big for his own skin and if there is the slightest space between his body and Eddie's, he is already moving towards him. Buck needs to feel him, to know he is alive and they both know there is nothing they can do until it passes on it's own. Eddie has told them he feels the same sometimes and in that moment, Buck had trouble understanding how it felt. Now? It's crystal clear.

As soon as their shift is over, they are already on their way home when Eddie asks him if he needs to pick Christopher from Abuela's. The kid is staying with her until tomorrow, considering that they had a double shift, but he understands why he asks. They haven't been officially together for long, but they have been family for a good while; they have rituals for these kind of situations. Some times, they stay around the station or go out for drinks with their friends. Other times, when nature and accidents have taken apart families in front of they eyes, they both need to hold Christopher extra tight to their chests, to remember how lucky they are. In other occasions, what they really need is each other.

Buck is quick in shaking his head, because it's one of those times.

The rest of the ride is silent, staying in that way while they take their things inside of their home.

He is on Eddie as soon as the door is closed.

Eddie is not surprised, by the way he kisses him back with the same intensity, letting him press his body against the door. Buck needs him, needs to feel his beating heart against his hands and there is no more time to lose and his blood flowing in his veins. Eddie is alive and the only way that Buck is going to be convinced of it is when he feels him falling apart around him.

Eddie screaming his name in pleasure is the only way Buck's soul will come back to him.

Later, when they are both too tired to move and finally lying on their bed, Buck's mind still refuses to turn off. Eddie is lying content in his chest, happy to have his hair played with, but he let's him figure out his thoughts in peace. He is not sure what is taking him so long to get over and even when he knows it's different now that they are together, it's not like he didn't worry sick about Eddie when they worked. But now they have… They have so much more. They get to come back home together, to have a family together and there is still so much more they don't get yet and still, Buck could have lost everything in a second.

And that puts everything in perspective. He almost wants to punch himself for taking so long to figure it out.

And is not the fact that he almost lost the love his life today, but somehow it feels like it is . They could lose each other at any moment and Buck is tired of waiting. He wants to be with Eddie in every way he can imagine, do everything they can do, before they run out of time. It’s never going to be enough time.

He knows Eddie is awake when he presses a quick kiss to his temple, by the way that a little pleased sound comes out of his lips. If he was ever nervous about this, that little thing seems to calms absolutely every part of him.

It's so easy to say it. And mean it.

“Marry me.” It’s a whisper, but loud enough for his boyfriend to hear. He feels Eddie go rigid in his arms, but far from scaring him, it only makes him hold him tighter, preventing his boyfriend from moving. There are still things he has to say, to make him understand. “I don’t want to waste another moment where I am not your husband, when I don’t get to call you mine in every way I can." His hand continues to move his hand in the other's hair, feeling the corners of his mouth turning up already. "Marry me, Eddie."

The man he loves is strong, so it's pointless to still try to keep him from turning around. He is surprised and yeah, Buck recognizes in the way his eyes are so soft that it's talking everything on him to not move forward to kiss him.

"Evan." Eddie speaks in the same tone he did, quiet and worried to break the moment they are in. “You are scared.”

“Yeah Eddie, I’m fucking scared.” There is no point in denying it, mostly because he knows Buck probably better than he knows himself, but he is sure they are not talking about the same thing. One of his hands moves towards Eddie's cheek, brushing it with his finger. “I’m scared that if something happened to you today, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I didn’t tell how sure I am of this. Of us. ”

He has never being sure of anything more than this. That no matter how much time he has left, this is his place, beside Eddie and Christopher and any other kid that comes in their way. This is where he belongs, the love he wants to build. And he knows Eddie feels the same, by the way he is trying to collect himself by looking at the ceiling. "You are it for me, Eddie. You and Christopher are it for me.”

There are a couple of moments filled with silence, but Buck is perfectly happy on giving him all the time he needs while he rubs his cheek. When Eddie's eyes focus on him again, they are so bright that they take his breath away.

“I was saving…” The beginning of the sentence makes him chuckle.

“For marriage? Buddy, I think that ship has sailed…” To prove a point, he looks in between them, to where they are still clearly naked under the light sheet.

It earns him a smack on the head, what does nothing for his laugh, but it stops as soon as he hears Eddie's voice again. “For a ring, dumbass.”

It takes him a few seconds to feel anything apart from.the loud beat of his heart. Eddie had thought of marrying him and even when he knew, when there was no doubt in his mind that he was loved with the same intensity he loved Eddie, it was still something that made him blush like a schoolgirl.

“Really?”

Eddie must think it's amusing, because he has that cocky grin on him, the one he always uses him when he thinks he is being clever. “Really.”

It occurs to him that he is so flustered by Eddie's revelation that he still hasn't asked for an answer. “Is that a yes then?” He feels a little bit dumb, but Eddie's smile turns sincere and that is so worth it.

His boyfriend moves forward, cradling Buck's face in his hands before he kisses him, softly and lingering. Like a promise. “It’s a hell yeah.”

#buddie #911 #evan buckley #eddie diaz

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buko-pandan · 7 years

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Taron Egerton, Golden Boy

by: Matt Genefaas

Action, explosions and impeccable tailoring, the new Kingsman film has it all. Following the worldwide success of the first film of the franchise, Kingsman: The Golden Circle is set to hit the big screens this September and packs a star-studded cast. Taron Egerton talks about the excitement of returning to the role of Eggsy for the sequel, his on-screen love interest and what to expect for the highly anticipated release.

Where is Eggsy when we pick up with him?

We meet Eggsy an undisclosed amount of time after the first [film]. But you can see in his mews house that there are three additional Sun headlines on the wall, indicating that he’s done a handful of missions on his own. And he is now going steady, to use a very 1950s term, with – shock horror – the Swedish princess from the first movie. Love blossomed in an unusual place. He’s trying to juggle the lifestyle of being a Kingsman and a full-time spy with also trying to nurture a blossoming relationship with a person who he really loves. He’s basically the same guy, just with a really important job.

He still has those rough edges?

Oh, the rough edges haven’t been sanded off. Eggsy still fucks up. That’s essential for the audience to have a window into the movie, to experience it through his eyes. He still has to escape through a sewer and emerge covered in shit. That’s not Harry Hart. That’s Eggsy. If we’d started the movie with Eggsy being Harry Hart, he wouldn’t have anywhere to go. He’s the rough-around-the-edges lad. We even see him return to an adidas hoodie – that’s who he is on his downtime.

This is your third film now with Matthew Vaughn, who also produced Eddie The Eagle. You clearly work well together – were you in contact with him as he pulled the movie together?

For the whole time he was writing, he always calls and says ideas. There is a real big kid in Matthew. When he has an idea he’s excited about he wants to share it. Just when you think you have a handle on Matthew, who he is and how his creative brain works, he comes in with something else which is really fucking clever. On a daily basis, it’s something I could never have thought of.

The first movie was your first time on a movie set. Did it feel easier this time?

On the first one I thought Matthew could fire me at any moment. I was a bit more tight-lipped and reverential. Now I give as good as I get. It felt easier in that I’ve spent far more time on film sets, and felt more certain of myself and how I function within a film set and this world I now occupy. In other senses, Matthew kept calling it the tough second album, and it is. People shout ‘Eggsy!’ at me in the street sometimes, and that’s quite a thing to reconcile yourself with, that you’re coming back and playing the same role again, and people have a level of expectation from you. They want the same thing again, but they also want it to be new and exciting. Kingsman has totally changed my life, so coming back, the overriding emotion was excitement, and real anticipation. The script was great, and it’s a really great story. I was so excited, and to be doing a sequel to your first film within four years of coming out of drama school, I am the luckiest man on the planet.

Have you changed your approach to the character?

On the first, I was constantly thinking about the accent and it doesn’t cross my mind now. He’s very much a part of me. I don’t think about it for a second now. I’ve played this character from his inception and I feel secure.

The best-kept secret in movies – that Colin Firth is back as Harry Hart – is now out. So what can you say about Eggsy’s relationship with Harry in this movie?

Well… we were on the same set, and we are friends and I love his company, and it was really nice to revisit a job well done. There were a lot of ways Matthew could have gone with the sequel, but in my mind, there was no doubt. I’m not sure how far the movie goes without that Harry and Eggsy relationship. That dynamic, and riffing on that dynamic, is the beating heart of the movie.

Has the relationship changed?

When they are reunited, it’s lovely. It’s very affecting and they’re pleased to see each other. But for undisclosed reasons, a tension grows in their relationship. That’s enormously fun and an interesting dynamic. When Harry and Eggsy’s relationship came to its untimely end in the first one, they weren’t on good terms. It’s quite sad. Eggsy hasn’t dealt with the situation particularly well. So in this movie you expect a reconciliation and you get it, but because of other facts it’s not always harmonious. Matthew knows that’s the key. You’ve got all the guns and fighting and that makes it brilliant, but for me it’s about Harry and Eggsy.

Early in the film, an attack on Kingsman has huge ramifications for Eggsy. What are those ramifications?

What it means for Eggsy is he was disenfranchised at the start of the first one, and aimless and not content. This wacky world he becomes involved with gives him direction and purpose, so to dash it to smithereens at the top end of this second episode is mad. Eggsy doesn’t really know what the hell to do. Sometimes sequels don’t work. This works because we get a reset. Everything was OK, and now it’s not again.

The big new additions to the film are the Statesmen, the American equivalent of Kingsmen, who Eggsy and Merlin discover in the wake of the attack on their own organisation. What can you say about these new arrivals?

The Kingsmen make their money through tailoring and that’s their front, but it’s more limited in terms of reward and finances than selling booze. The Statesmen are a level up. We thought our jet was good, but theirs is a fucking jet. You can see Eggsy being wide-eyed with wonder again.

The cast Vaughn has assembled for this movie is astonishing.

It’s amazing. One minute you’re working in Peacocks and then all of a sudden you’re sat at a table with Jeff Bridges, Colin Firth, Channing Tatum and Halle Berry! It’s a weird thing to be part of. They’re such great characters and so animated and larger than life and played by such great performers.

What’s the relationship like between Eggsy and the Statesmen?

I think to begin with it’s one of mistrust. These organisations aren’t aware of each other. They’re only supposed to become aware of each other in the event of a serious disaster. Eggsy and Merlin find themselves face to face with Agent Tequila, and have a fight… I don’t recommend fighting Channing Tatum. He’s a dancer, but that guy is like an ox. I had a few sore fingers after that.

Talk us through the Statesmen.

Ginger (played by Halle Berry) is the equivalent of Merlin. She’s very clever and you might describe her as bookish, she’s a quieter character. And then there’s Channing Tatum, who has a bit of bravado and is butch and manly. He’s quite gung-ho. He likes his weekend parties. He ends up in stasis, having taken some sort of illicit substance. Jeff as Champagne is really cool. He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t drink, but is forever swilling and spitting whiskey, or he sniffs the whiskey as he’s talking and trying to figure [stuff] out. Then there’s Pedro Pascal, who plays agent Whiskey, and he is a kind of seasoned veteran, their top field agent, who takes me under his wing. For a little while, it begins to feel like he might be a new mentor figure for Eggsy in the absence of Harry Hart, who is not quite what he once was. But you also get the sense that Whiskey might be a little reckless, and a little cold.

And, of course, there’s Julianne Moore as the villain of the piece, Poppy.

She has a dastardly plot that’s every bit as chilling as Valentine’s plot from the first movie. That’s thematic of these two films. There’s a very cold world in which you get what Valentine was saying about global warming. You can also sort of see where Poppy is coming from, depending on how conservative you are. But Julianne is lovely. She’s a children’s author as well and heard that I had two young sisters and she sent some of her books. She’s really great in the movie, really disturbing and saccharine and rotten to the core. The smile never reaches the eyes.

The first film pushed the envelope with its R-rated tone, exploding heads and stylish violence. Does the second follow that up?

You’re not going to be leaving the cinema feeling like Matthew played it safe this time. It takes a character like Matthew’s to be as resolute and uncompromising as that, in the face of all the pressures that come when it’s a commercially viable property. If you call the first one provocative, you’d call this one a punch in the face.

So it’s a movie that may ruffle feathers.

I think it may ruffle feathers more than the first one ruffled feathers.

#taron egerton #this is the actual interview w him #kingsman #kingsman the golden circle #let me post up the pics too from this one

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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'Venom' Early Buzz: Tom Hardy Gives a Fascinating, Bizarre Performance That Will Make or Break the Movie

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/venom-early-buzz-tom-hardy-gives-a-fascinating-bizarre-performance-that-will-make-or-break-the-movie/

'Venom' Early Buzz: Tom Hardy Gives a Fascinating, Bizarre Performance That Will Make or Break the Movie

You’ve been patient, and finally the time has come. The first reactions to this week’s release of Venom have arrived, and they certainly pack a punch.

The anticipation for Venom has been lukewarm, mostly because the trailers painted quite an odd movie that felt like it came out of a time capsule that was lost in 2004. Well, it sounds like that’s exactly what the movie delivers, complete with a bizarre and fascinating performance from Tom Hardy that makes the movie surprisingly funny, intentional or not.

First up, let’s look at some of the more positive reactions for Venom:

#Venom is like a buddy comedy in which one of the buddies has to prevent the other from biting people’s heads off, which is another way of saying I liked it.

— Michael Nordine (@slowbeard) October 2, 2018

#Venom really is a period piece from the early days of Super Hero films, and it’s clear they were aiming for this. I feel bad for anyone that uses this as a negative point because they’re too used to the same flavor of hero movies we have form the MCU and DCEU now.

— Aaron “I didn’t see the movie” Brock (@Bizarnage) October 2, 2018

So #Venom.

I went in fearing the worst, BUT I actually liked it quite a bit more than I thought I would. I still wish it was rated R, but it seems like they set up something to cross over into Spider-Man’s movies, and it was funnier than I imagined.

— ??? ashley ??? (@AshleyEsqueda) October 2, 2018

I think the “kind of horrifying, weird buddy comedy” thing was both campy and enjoyable tbh

I dunno it just felt like fun and sometimes I want a fun action movie – after the solemness of Infinity War this was a neat romp~

— ??? ashley ??? (@AshleyEsqueda) October 2, 2018

#Venom is a one-man buddy film bonded with an antihero origin story. And Tom Hardy pulls it off like only he can pic.twitter.com/d2AblUvWjF

— Chris Sylvia (@sylvioso) October 2, 2018

#Venom wasn’t as bad as everyone was saying it was going to be. Tom Hardy is and always will be a great actor, and I laughed a lot — but I’m not sure whether that was intentional or not. Post-credit scene is ?

— Beatrice Verhoeven (@bverhoev) October 2, 2018

Significant chunks of #Venom don’t work *at all* but there is some serious charm to the Eddie/Venom relationship. Not sure I had the intended reactions to some scenes but fun is fun – even when it’s totally ridiculous, right? It’s too bad they didn’t go for the R rating though.

— Perri Nemiroff (@PNemiroff) October 2, 2018

I’m *fascinated* with VENOM. The cast seems to all know they’re in a darker superhero movie, except Tom Hardy who is basically remaking Jim Carrey’s Liar Liar. I kinda loved watching this movie, in a Rocky Horror type of way. At one point Tom Hardy and Venom make out.

— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) October 2, 2018

#Venom was surprisingly funny! I had a freaking great time watching it. Despite some problems, it did right by its main character, Eddie Brock/Venom. People forget that he’s always had a weird sense of humor in the comics, and that humor is fully on display in the movie! pic.twitter.com/20ufNrbGU4

— Hector Navarro (@Hectorisfunny) October 2, 2018

It’s…not a complete disaster? At least I was never mad watching it? But it is an excruciatingly surreal experience. The humor, the story beats, everything right down to the Eminem theme song feels like it emerged Kimmy Schmidt style from a sealed off early 00s bunker.

— The Mothmeg ? NYCC (@rustypolished) October 2, 2018

Anyway, your mileage is really, really going to vary on this one. There are genuinely some echos of clever ideas but…man. If there’s one superhero franchise that’s having a killer couple years, it’s Spider-Man. No matter how you slice it, Venom is a major non sequitur.

— The Mothmeg ? NYCC (@rustypolished) October 2, 2018

Tom Hardy’s performance in #Venom is either Johnny Depp in the first PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN or Chris Klein in STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI. Either way, it’s not boring.

— Scott Mendelson (@ScottMendelson) October 2, 2018

Not sure if Tom Hardy’s weirdness sabotaged #Venom or saved it, but it has a self-aware cartoonishness, especially in its latter half. It’s not “good,” but it’s better than expected. Doesn’t feel like an R-rated film, am guessing the deleted 40min is just Hardy clowning around.

— Scott Mendelson (@ScottMendelson) October 2, 2018

Comic fans will like #Venom, as it pulls directly from the comics in many places. Tater tot fans will also like Venom. It’s certainly clunky & not as fluid as some recent Marvel movies, but it’s funny, intentional or not. Don’t take it too seriously, and stay through the credits pic.twitter.com/Llzvtv0fLL

— Erik Davis (@ErikDavis) October 2, 2018

Tom Hardy as Eddie Brock and #Venom has some really entertaining moments. A clunky script without nuance bogs the #Venom down, preventing it from choosing between being gritty, funny, or something unique.

— Brandon Davis (@BrandonDavisBD) October 2, 2018

As you can see, even some of these positive reactions note the film’s shortcomings, which include a clunky story. Plus, there seems to be some uncertainty as to whether the film is meant to be as funny as it comes off, which doesn’t sound promising. At the same time, many of these reactions seem to come away at least entertained, even if it’s not because this comic book movie is of the highest quality.

However, on the complete opposite end of the spectrum are some people who were really down on the movie:

#Venom is Catwoman level bad, with Tom Hardy’s worst performance since This Means War. DON’T SEE THE MOVIE!

— Daniel R (@DanielRPK) October 2, 2018

Like a turd.

In the wind.#Venom

— Jeremy Conrad (@ManaByte) October 2, 2018

Sorry to say that #Venom is pretty much a complete failure – a tonal mess that feels 15 years old, ignoring the storytelling strides that the superhero genre has made in recent years.

A few fun Venom-centric moments aside, it has nearly nothing to offer. Don’t get your hopes up.

— Tom Horrorgensen (@Tom_Jorgensen) October 2, 2018

As you can see, some of the elements in Venom that people found entertaining, even if accidentally so, didn’t land in the same way for these folks. Part of me wonders if that’s going to be how general audiences react, or if they’ll buy into what Tom Hardy and Venom are selling.

Whether this is an intentionally funny throwback to the superhero movies of the early 2000s will be for audiences to decide. Either way, it sounds like there will be some fun to be had with Venom, even if it’s laughing at the movie for the wrong reasons.

Cool Posts From Around the Web: Source: https://www.slashfilm.com/venom-early-buzz/

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