#I can make fun of catholics having a lot of kids because I am one

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Can You Keep A Secret? | Ghost and Nina

Simon was good at keeping secrets. He had no issue being Nina's confidant. He also knew that it would eat her away if she didn't tell Johnny.

TW: heavy angst, miscarriage, hurt/comfort

"pickup pickup pickup," Nina muttered anxiously, looking around outside the clinic.

"Nina?" Simon's voice always sounded so urgent yet calm.

"Hi."

"Hi..?"

"Umm... I need to ask for a favor if you're not busy." She

"What's wrong?" He wanted more information. He'd say yes but not without question.

"I need a ride home." She could take the tube, she just didn't want to be alone.

"Where are you?"

"I'll text you the address."

"I'm half way across town. It'll be awhile."

"That's okay."

It was getting dark when he pulled up in his near ancient land rover.

"Thought price picked you up from appointments when Johnny's out of town." He said, waiting for her to put on her seatbelt before pulling out.

"Wasn't planned."

He glanced at her. She flattened out her skirt, not wanting to meet his eye. She didn't look well. Her eyes were still puffy, cheeks looking redder due to the pallor of the rest of her face. Her nails were bitten down and her cuticles destroyed.

"Nina, is everything okay?" He had a habit of asking questions he already knew the answer to. It was his way of being soft, she guessed. Letting her open up on her terms. "Did something happen?"

He was her friend, she had to remind herself. She might not know him very well but he was here. He'd eaten at her table, slept on her couch, taught her how to play go and how to throw knives. She'd seen his face. She could tell him.

"You can't tell Johnny."

"Nina...what's happened?" He had a look of action. He would kill for her. He was ready to do whatever it took to make her feel safe.

"I uhh...I..." She hated how her words failed her, dying in her mouth. Her body was a morgue. Foolish to think she could sustain life. She gagged on her next words. "They said I had a miscarriage."

He pulled over, parking the car illegally on the side of the street.

"C'mere, dove." He unbuckled to reach across the console for her. She let out a deep chested sob as he hugged her. The one that had been building since she the doctor came in and told her only an hour prior.

She'd never considered motherhood. They weren't trying for a baby. She only took the test because she was late by a week. That was less than a month ago. Now it was gone.

'It was very early and from our tests it was a complete miscarriage which means that you have passed any and all pregnancy tissue. Miscarriages are common but you are also high risk. I would suggest talking to your OB-GYN before trying again.'

She didn't know what to say, she just nodded until he left. She didn't know she was high risk.

"I'm sorry, love." Simon rubbed her back. She missed Johnny. He wouldn't be back for another week or so. She wanted him. She wanted him to hold her hand and rub her knee and kiss her cheeks. "Let's get you home."

Simon kept a hand on her chair the rest of the drive back. He wasn't the best at comfort but he wouldn't dote or obsess over her like Price would.

"Were you and Johnny trying?"

"No. It was an accident."

"Did you tell him that you were pregnant?"

"No, I wanted it to be a surprise." She knew he'd be ecstatic. He'd mentioned wanting kids, plural. He was Catholic after all. Little MacTavishes running around some nice house in Scotland.

"Are you...were you ready?" He asked. That was the important question she didn't have an answer to. She wasn't shocked by the news from the doctor, her body was still healing from years of malnutrition and make do remedies. Her chest still sometimes ached from when Simon broke her ribs almost a year ago.

She still felt so much like a child herself. She liked stuffed animals and frilly pink things and cartoons and hot chocolate. She had nightmares about monsters chasing her. She still missed her own mum.

"I don't know. I just.." she sighed, biting back more tears. "I feel like I always take from him. take his money and his time and his space and his love and everything just all fucking time. I can't give him anything. He wants kids. I want to give him that. I need to give him something."

Simon squeezed her shoulder. He was a good listener. She could bury all her secrets with him. He didn't judge at least not that he showed.

"You should tell him still. He'd want to know." He said finally. "He's always worried about you."

He did know what to say sometimes. Give her the extra nudge or reminder that Johnny loved her even when her brain told her otherwise.

He was also a good escort. Walked her all the up to the flat. He'd stay as long as she needed.

His chest against her back didn't stop her heart from dropping when she saw Johnny's boots and heard the shower going.

He shut the door behind them, louder than it needed to be.

"You don't have anything to be afraid of. I'll stay if you want." He rubbed her arm.

"Neen!" Johnny called. There was a click as the bathroom door opened. "Thought I'd suprise ya, got to come home early. Thought we could celeb-jesus! Hey, Lt."

He had a towel wrapped around his waist, thankfully. Simon raised an eyebrow and looked down towards Nina.

"You can go. I'll be okay. Thank you." She hugged him and he responded in his own Simon way by patting her back and nodding towards Johnny before leaving.

''I was wondering why you weren't home," He kissed her cheek. He frowned as he saw her face close up. "Something wrong, Neen?"

"I need to tell you something."

"Anything," he cupped her face and took one of her hands in his.

It was easier telling him. He was a good listener too.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here." He kissed her forehead. He had carried her to their bedroom, helped her change into one of his shirts, tucked her into bed, put on pants and climbed in next to her. "I would have gone with you. You shouldn't have been alone."

He pulled her into his chest, letting her cry it all out. He was sad too, she could see how it weighed in his eyes. He didn't get any of the excietment she did, only the grief.

"I just wanted to give you something," she murmured.

"You don't have to give me anything. You're all I want, Neen. I don't want anything that you don't want. I'd never have you go through that just for me." He kissed the top of her head. "I love you now and I'll love you tomorrow and the day after and next week and next month and next year. You don't have to do anything to get that."

She could feel his tears hit her scalp. She held him tighter.

#I can make fun of catholics having a lot of kids because I am one #ghost x nina #soap x nina

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hi i wanted to know if u have any good book recommendations? they can be about anything rlly i just want to become smarter

hi anonymous;

you:re as smart as you need to be, and really: you should read books out of passion (and fun) in lieu of pure raw erudition--mostly cause i think that is a fast way to burn yourself out by forcing yourself to read through dry garbage you don:t really want to read (this sounds loaded, but countering what i:m saying: if you are suddenly passionate about pursuing Pure Mathematics and want to just dive into math textbooks: then pursue that passion :-)) );

i do have recommendations, though! but i don:t think they:ll make you smarter; my favorite book as a kid was Howl's Moving Castle (hated the movie, garbage), it:s just a very fun fantasy book and it rekindled my love for reading after a long stint of trying-to-be-smarter by pursuing philosophical trash;

i really really really loved Squee! and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac as a kid, too; my dad sent them to me as a gift when i was really young & probably one of the only things he sent me that i deeply loved; i wish i still had those books, i:ve really been wanting to re-read them;

read Crying of Lot 49 this year and it moved me a lot--made me really interested in Pynchon as a whole; I'd rope a handful of American authors into this actually: Shirley Jackson's We Have Always Lived in the Castle, Flannery O'Connor's A Good Man is Hard To Find, Cormac McCarthy's Outer Darkness were all amazing surprises to me that just made me really appreciate American authors (sort-of doofy but I really did just appreciate this southern tradition of writers in an inspiring sort-of geographical way, like: I know these lands! I am soaked in this dust! I have this same odd bigotry in me!) -- but I think all of those works/authors are great and you probably can't go wrong with anything any of them have wrote;

I'm currently reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante and really enjoying it; the cover/name makes you think of some harlequin romance novel but it's basically a femcel manifesto on hating someone so obsessively that it is indistinguishable from love; I'm currently listening to Stephen King's Duma Key and enjoying it--I'm listening through a lot of King books, just finished From a Buick 8 (loved it) (I'd rope King into the 'loving American authors' thing, cause he was a part of my culture growing up, you know? as doofy as it is, I'm kinda happy to have grown up alongside his career and output and it's been fun to finally delve into his stories);

also finished Nabokov's Pale Fire recent-ish -- if you like stuff like House of Leaves you might like it (it sounds sinful to compare that book to Nabokov but it's pretty apt, too); it's one of the few books I've read that actually made me laugh, and Nabokov is a beautiful writer, and Pale Fire is a book with enough depth that I think a reader could go through it several times and pluck out something completely new each time.

I don't think any of these would make you smarter; funny as it is: I think the KJV Bible is a beautiful read but I don't think I'd suggest it outside of attending church wholly because part of the poetry of the Bible comes from studying the context of a passage and all the lenses that come with it (I'd actually consider studying the 'academic biblical' analysis of the Bible as a church itself, not in contrast with church apologia); you can find a lot of odd inspiration in the works of prophets ala Mary Baker, Ellen White, various Catholic saints, Joseph Smith, Hubbard (wink, but sincere, I like Hubbard), etcetera--but I feel like inspiration or passion leads you to those works rather than some dull desire to soak up another persons passions in hopes that'll saturate you with something you've been missing. Ex: if you want to be a Christian Scientist: read Mary Baker; but likely if you wanted to, you'd already be reading--as circling as that sounds.

Take care, anonymous.

[spicybylerpolls]

i'm still laughing at that one anon's post 'have we gone back in time? is this an evangelical youth group? is this catholic school? are we mormons?'

hahhahhahaha! the cadence, the rhythm of the sentences: pure poetic comedy. stand up gold.

special mention to mormon suzie - did she sniff out byler? special mention also to finn wolfhard's catholic school upbringing, because that sure brings some spice to his whole Thing, and surely mike's Thing too.

so I wanted to add on that i think much of this fear of byler x sex is about control. a large amount of young byler fans on here are swifties. now, t swift is v popular with young people, but many of her lyrics are also highly sexual. she's so huge that i think there must be a huge proportion of young fans who choose to ignore her spicy lyrics and just dream romantically instead. i mean, as a kid, i used to just accept all the boy band gyrations and the very suggestive lyrics. they meant nothing to me yet, so i just sang and moved on.

am i saying all vanilla bylers are swifties? not at all. im saying that there may well be a large proportion of bylers who are still teens, or who grew up WITH these actors, and are coming to terms with their own sexuality, and therefore experiencing shame, just like mike and will. so they lash out.

after all, coming of age is a time of losing control. and if you view adults/people more settled than yourself who are happily comfortable with their sexuality, and you aren't, well... many people would get defensive.

and after all, sex itself is about ceding control. not necessarily losing control - although that can be fun too - but certainly feeling free enough to let go. and that's something you have to learn.

if this hasnt been encouraged in your life, and a comfort show that has been 'yours' for years is starting to pull away from you... well i can see where the fear comes from. it's manifesting as hate towards us proud spicy bylers, but it's fear.

i'm not condoning it, merely trying to understand. tbh, i love this blog and this side of byler tumblr so much that it doesnt bother me anymore. i just find it all fascinating, and cannot wait for s5. bring on spicy byler for real! its gonna be surreal after so long spent fantasising

hehe

very interesting points! I agree that fear may be a very big part of it for some! It's "safer" in some respects to just view Byler and these characters in a romantic light instead of considering the spicier side of things and how that might intersect with the show's themes. A lot of people almost seem to believe that sex or even exploring Mike and Will's sexual attraction for each other would corrupt the purity of the ship, which is obviously untrue. But if people can't see those two sides as linked, it does make sense why they'd get defensive. Raw sexuality can absolutely be scary and uncertain and messy for sure.

#byler #spicy byler #no poll

[plvtosun]

blancaposting! ongoing bulleted list of her traits, backstory, lil facts, character rxships, songs, etc

blanca edén tennebris*

born/raised in east los angeles

got in trouble for ditching her own first communion and playing with the crows in the cemetery outside the church instead. her dress got all dirty. ( → “i hate it! why am i wearing this anyway i don’t wanna marry jesus!!”) she said if her parents forced her to go through with it she was gonna bite the priest’s fingers. …they didn’t make her go through with it, they knew she would legitimately bite his fingers.

her immediate family is/was very religious, very traditional mexican-american. puro machismo. blanca’s an only child but during family functions she was expected to watch all the younger cousins inside the house while everyone else had fun. as much as she hates it she knows the rosary by heart. but she still has a soft spot for la virgen de guadalupe, to this day. the rose scent of the veladoras calms her down.

she doesn’t get along with her family much, except for a few older cousins who introduced her to metal and anime, and a tía she visited one winter break in mexico, who taught her how to do limpias de huevo for herself. the day that tía passed away was probably the worst day of her life.

(more under cut)

*“tenebrous”

she needs! her! quiet time! ex: if she’s working on a piece in an area that’s starting to get crowded and noisy, she gets overstimulated and has to leave immediately. some days she can handle noisiness, other days she can’t. (she can always handle the noisiness at concerts though)

her first kiss was a girl in her catechism class.

likes spooky and haunted things but she’s not about to go full zak bagans yknow?

her first and middle name were chosen to keep in line with the whole… devout catholic thing. blanca means white, “pure” in a way. the name was also chosen because it was her maternal grandma’s name, and she was a very pious woman.

she straight up saw la llorona once.

character rxships [updated 8/29]:

toki

she’s down horrendous but he doesn’t notice for a while because she tries to hide or she gets extra quiet when he’s around.

re: kids, blanca: …have you ever had to take care of a kid? like legitimately had to take care of one for a full day? a week? or while they’re sick? …try that out and get back to me. [personal hc that he does, in fact, try it out. the stickiness, the noise, the sensory overload at times despite a few cute sweet moments. yeah, cats and bunnies all the way.]

draws him cutesy (and brutal) pictures whenever he wants!

gets too shy to hold his hand at first and looks away the first time in true tsundere fashion.

cute spanish nicknames!

both t-shirt thieves, even though most of blanca’s shirts don’t fit him. he’s stretched a couple of them out. :/

skwisgaar

likes to mess around with him because of his high opinion of himself. all in good fun though.

calls him “ricitos”/“ricitos de oro” (goldilocks), which he acts like he hates, but lowkey? i think he likes it.

he’s allergic to cilantro, she has that thing that makes it taste bitter and nasty to her. “you’re not missing much. i don’t care what everyone else says, i’m convinced my third eye is open or some shit and that’s why i’m one of those people that tastes straight SOAP when i eat it.”

nathan

he came across her art on instagram and thought it was sick with the brutal imagery and that’s why he wanted her to illustrate the next album cover/tshirt designs, but aside from that, they didn’t get along too well at first because they’re kinda similar in the way they like to tease and mess around + they would butt heads a lot creatively.

eventually they’re chill though. blanca quickly figures out how to shut up and not say certain things even though nathan’s reaction would be funny, and he does the same.

not platonic soulmates, not mortal enemies. they’re pretty alright together. they pal around.

both fucking love chips

he’s the first to notice her crush on toki and he teases her in passing about it every chance he gets. ass.

murderface

refuses to go in his room. “no fucking way man you have all that old historical stuff in there! that shit’s haunted!”

↑ “la neta, la neta, la neta. que mala vibra traes, maestro.”

similar to nathan but she messes with him a little more because he’s pretty rough. she generally doesn’t get along with him super well but they have their moments where they can joke around and have fun. kind of like a cat and a dog.

walked in on him playing bass with his dick and quoted the “there goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality” simpsons line

pickles

when he opens up a little about his mom and family she gets piiiissed. she can relate. she high fives him after he finally tells his mom to go fuck herself.

tv binging buddies!

calls him “canelo” like canelo álvarez because of his red hair

second to notice her crush on toki. he doesn’t tease as much as nathan but he definitely gets a kick out of seeing how she gets around toki before they officially get together.

abigail

admires the way she gets shit done and thinks her curly hair is really pretty

tries not to get in her way when she’s working but loves her calming vibe. she likes to just sit with her in silence while she draws sometimes

begs begs BEGS her to let her do her makeup all dark and gothic. just once!

charles

similar to abigail, she tries to not get in his way too much and she admires how he handles things

feels like he’s kind of unapproachable, but he seemed nice and polite enough when she first met everybody & started working on the album art.

not much going on between them honestly

dr. rockzo

literally only puts up with him for toki but she sets boundaries on him being around quick. she doesn’t like how he’s taken advantage of toki’s kindness before

^ may or may not have put ojo on him once or twice because of this. three times… four… who’s counting though?

he’s gross, dude.

playlist! + youtube link and backgrounds for the songs here.

#blanca tag🤍⛓️ #oc bio #mtl oc #metalocalypse oc

[turtlesocksv2]

Liveblogging Dead Friend Forever Ep 5

Flashback Time! Let's Go!

only at the 2:40 timestamp and already there's some crunchy little details. Tee has money - where from? He tells Top to go clean the toilets at Por's house for spending money, but we all know that's not what Tee is up to. And it's soooo convenient that there's a short film contest and it just so happens that Por has an idea for it and also a location to shoot in that just so happens to be in the Cult Murder Woods. Here at 2:40 in I am still banging the drum of Por And His Family Are True Believers. Will I be putting on my clown shoes later? Perhaps!

Jin and Tee are both skeptical that they'll be able to pull it off. Por and Fluke are really trying hard to get Tee to agree... Por mentions selling tickets to see the movie and the music changes and you can see Tee fall for it. Why is Tee so desperate for money when he's buying expensive In Game Purchases? does he have a gatcha gambling problem lmao.

Non is so unsure when he comes into the planning room and is immediately bullied! Why are they so mean! He's the only one giving actual ideas! And I see that Jin isn't involved in the bullying and doesn't know the backstory between them. Poor Non does seem a little weird but not in a bad way. The way they're just using him to get a script is so mean!

Wait, are they in a fucking Catholic School hold up i gotta rewind that. "Think Good, Do Good, Be A Good Person" I mean....words to live by i guess. Not that these Mean Girls-ass friends will pay any attention.

Ooooh, Por telling Non to send the script digitally he doesn't want a literal paper trail he is already planning to steal the credit! He's doing all this work and they're still calling him Greasy! These shitheads deserve what's coming to them. Jin is right to call them out about it. No wonder Jin will be the Final Girl. Non, sweetie, please develop some self respect!

ok but like JinNon are being really cute together. no wonder if Non gets a crush on him.

OK OK OK HOLD THE FUCK UP. THIS CONVERSATION BETWEEN NON'S PARENTS IS INTERESTING. Non has a sibling they send money to, but they're having money problems and can only afford to pay their bills this month and don't have the money to spare. Non's mom wants to take an emergency loan to cover it and if I learned anything from Kinnporsche one of those things was don't take sketchy emergency loans because the mafia will come after you. Mom mentions to Non that New is studying abroad buuuuuuut....hmmm. it just seems shady.

Non's sure on a lot of pills for a highschooler. also, someone with a heart for their contact name is asking if he took his meds....

Top is the fucking worst. but Por's not any better really. I did laugh at "Move, my beloved Greasy will sit here" and the way the other kids scattered. Por really is throwing his family's money and influence around isn't he. ugh the way Por and Top wipe their hands after touching Non is so gross and mean and awful.

oh no. Hot Teacher just offered to give Non a ride home and i feel nothing but dread.

Gambling Hall! Oh my god i was right about the gambling lmao. Anyway, Tee's in the mafia. so that's fun.

That lady on the board saw Por's name and was like "oh. we definitely don't want to make his parents mad" the way she nudged the other judge!

can't believe they tried to exclude Non from the results reveal oh wait, yes i can. because they're the worst.

Por's mom spoils him but lmao you can see that his dad is just Done even if he does get worn down by mom.

Por is so fucking stupid for leaving that expensive-ass camera in the unlocked classroom. Top is so fucking stupid for messing around with the camera. I hate Top so much oh my god.

oh no. Tee is going to frame Non for it isn't he. that was the money Por was saying he shouldn't have taken from Non isn't it. And we know Non's family has money problems!!! Tee is the worst. lmao at Fluke just being there the whole time.

I like that Jin knows what's up and tried to defend Non.

I really want to know who ❤️ is. Is it New? Is it Hot Teacher?

Boo Tee trying to drag poor Non into his Mafia shit. leave him alone! Haven't you done enough???!

#dead friend forever #dff the series #dff

[okthatsgreat]

May I hear about some of the gone waters cast if that's alright? :3 second times the charm

YES! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh god ill ramble about my characters below because if i go off about EVERYBODYS characters we will be here for weeks gfhdkjgsfkhg but ill DO WHAT I CAN. this will be so long im so sorry

ramble will be under the read more :) 

OK SO for some quick context Danganronpa: Gone Waters is a SEQUEL roleplay to Danganronpa: Hope's Reprisal that the same group of people did a few months ago, gone waters JUST ended so now i can just ramble on endlessly about these characters without having to worry about spoiling anything to the people i am running this roleplay for ghfdkjghskfdjgh. gist of the narrative is a group of """volunteers""" were sent into the luxury virtual reality program to experience high class living for a week, all run by an artificial intelligence named andi that caters to their needs whenever. one day the emergency siren starts blaring, the emergency EXIT doesn't let them leave this simulated reality, and andi has suddenly been given new instructions to run a killing game for these participants. WACKY! 🤪

i had to create two characters who were primarily there for narrative reasons (considering i was running the rp fhdksgjf) so that's where billie and andi came in :) but i LOVED how they turned out jesussss the people im rping with had great characters and it was so easy and fun making these fucked up relationships with them N E WAYS

billie lane was created as this little sacrificial lamb that was always supposed to die first lol !! she's this mopey fifteen year old who is very awkward and feels like she doesn't necessarily fit in anywhere, which is only EXACERBATED by the fact she is talentless in this group of Ultimate Students who were supposedly selected because of their talent. she was created to be this adaptable character who latches on to trends and other people's personalities very quickly, and dare i say it she wasnt heading in the wrong direction when she died???? she got some bad advice definitely but the key advice i was using for her character were along the lines of "be completely honest" and "don't underestimate yourself" as well as being told who and who not to trust ghdfgdsf. the other rpers definitely were shaping her up to be a good kid :) who then of course got killed while trying to be helpful :(

chapter one was always intended to be a mimicry of hopes reprisals chapter one (because a huge theme in this rp is breaking the cycle basically), and practically all of chapter 1 was devised by a character named moira who lured two people there with the intent of making them kill each other, kickstarting the whole game! billies purpose was to give juuuuuuust enough information to certain characters and then dip lol. the reason she was there in the first place is because her father worked on the simulator, and she's basically been this little lab rat for YEARS. just constantly doing her dads bidding. so you can imagine how grouchy she fucking gets over how limited her options are ghfkgfsdgkgfds. shes a teenage loser raised in a catholic suburban household who isnt offered a lot of freedom and has undiagnosed mental illness and then she dies. and she was awesome. 2 me. she's just such a tragic character overall and it didnt help that the other people in the rp kept making me FUCKING SAD WHEN SHE DIED!!!!!!!!

andi v92.38B is the artificial intelligence running the place :) or trying to at least. there is frequent reference to her BEING the building, so when the building starts to fall apart she does, too. she's this inhuman thing that is serving as the catalyst of a memory recovery plot, which essentially means she's recovering old memories of the PREVIOUS killing game as this CURRENT killing game goes on. but, something that WASN'T planned, is the fact that she is gaining some sort of sentience throughout all of it, SOME sort of capacity to feel. and it isn't pleasant whatsoever. it's so ugly. the very first thing she learns how to feel is pain and hatred. she doesn't understand what any of it is or what is happening to her.

this virus that was introduced into the simulator is more or less killing andi in the process, and it immediately starts growing bitter and resentful towards the People who had brought this virus along. she doesn't understand why she is suddenly feeling this way, she doesn't think she is isnt capable of doing anything outside of her programming, and it all culminates in a cranky ai that refuses to admit it is anything less than inhuman which ultimately ends in it finally admitting it might be scared of dying, before getting wiped out entirely ! it has no choice but to follow rules and then die mad about it very unfortunately. it had some seriously interesting relationships with the other participants like there were so many of them who were so nice to it???????????? like genuinely sorry for her. it was so so much fun playing andi she was also pretty funny which ruled

cutting myself off now GHFDJKG also here's a really stupid and quick animatic i did a while ago too with the survivors + andi

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK I HOPE IT MADE EVEN AN OUNCE OF SENSE

#THERE we go GHFDJKGHKJ #oc: billie #oc: andi #rp: gone waters #ask lee #anonymous

[kleenexwoman]

are you jesus 💀

(gif by @speakless)

Hi! I play @one-coming-is-enough on the Tumblr for fun! :)

I am an overeducated, underemployed hippie in my upper 30s. Have yet to be executed for any of my rants. People usually blink slowly a few times and ask me if I'm watching the game instead. And they usually mean the Lions, around here. (Who are largely Christian by now. No tearing apart infidels at the ol' Silverdome.)

Although I joke fondly that my mother is an unstoppable cyborg who got programmed by Ms. Frizzle, she is not the Incorruptible Virgin. My Conception was not preceded by the Angel Gabriel, but by three fuzzy navels the night before Thanksgiving in 1985. (My father was involved, yes. Like many Jewish fathers, he occasionally likes to liken himself to God or one of his prophets. It's just a thing that happens when you're taught to think of Avram as your cranky great-grandfather who's the reason your Uncle Isaac doesn't talk at meals ever.)

I can't walk on water (dead man's float I do okay). I can't turn water into wine, and I've tried really hard. I can't multiply sandwiches just by thinking about it, but I only try it with pizza or tacos tbh. Sometimes brownies. Can't raise the dead or I would have way more cats than I do now. I would NEVER have a cat die on me. I would be Queen of Immortal Cats, Ruler of Ulthar.

I started playing Jesus because I have tried to understand Christianity from the outside for a long time. I have Christian relatives because my family likes to intermarry, although I wasn't raised in the faith (my Jewish Dad got into the Santa spirit perhaps more than my largely Catholic relatives, who reminded me that Saint Nicholas gave to the poor, confirmed for me that Santa was a really just a kids' story with a deeper meaning, and told me I was smart for having compared the sooty boot prints).

And there's always been these odd conceptual leaps in the Story of Jesus that didn't make sense to me, like someone had taken out some kind of central character or conceit that made the whole thing make sense and replaced it with this circular idea about its relationship to Judaism, which I understood as a very specific history of a very specific people in a very specific set of times and places rather than something that could be applied to the whole world easily. Sure, we had some pretty good values in there by the time I got around to being enrolled in a Reform Temple (partially so I could network with my fellow tiny Jews in the 90s, which I didn't do much of on my own because undiagnosed autism), but that had come over centuries of insight, debate, and social and philosophical change, not all from the Torah itself.

I'm starting to think that Jesus was originally supposed to be the concept of phonic language itself, personified as the Unkillable Son of Saturn the God of Time and Decay. But this is a really weird theory.

And of course I would think that. I'm a writer. A poet, and I don't like to bring that term out casually because it makes me sound fucking insufferable, but I write poetry and I'm good at it when I do. And something that's really important in poetry is the space between words. Speaking them slowly or quickly, with a pause or no pause, this is stuff slam poets are coached on. I picked up a lot from Ronnie Apter in her Modernist Poetry class, even though I never did real slam ("real" slam is ranked, slam style is just the style, I can do slam style but I think competitive poetry is... Not My Thing). But one of the most challenging gulfs between a "page poet" and a "performance poet" is the way they supposedly enjamb their words--a "page poet" is supposed to arrange things so it looks pretty, a slam poet is supposed to arrange things so the spaces represent things about tone and delivery.

I ran out of brain juice. I'm gonna have my coffee now. Thanks for asking! Please do not seek me out for crimes against the state yet.

#personal #good omens rp meta

[theangrypomeranian]

001 barryl 💖💖💖

also asked for by @drawthethingdoppelganger! thank you both for this opportunity, i owe you my life.

when I started shipping it if I did: So really funny story, they were actually not going to end up together in Baby Steps. I literally threw them together because I thought it would be Neat TM but they were originally going to end up with different insignificant OCs when they reached adulthood. But then Katie said she shipped them and a switch got flipped in my brain and now I literally cannot stop thinking about them 24/7. It's a problem lmao (but I love it).

my thoughts: With how little we know about Becky, she's one of those blank slate characters that you can project literally anything on to and I have done so to my heart's content. And I love Darryl in the show, I think he has some of the funniest lines and I like Aziz's VA work. They have so much potential from a story POV and it's been SO fun to play around with them. It's also one of those ships that I've gotten to build from the ground up and, in case you didn't figure this out about me already, I LOVE doing that. Developing relationships are my bread and butter, they're so fun to write and it's one of my favorite things.

What makes me happy about them: Honestly? Getting to explore their different backgrounds. Darryl is Indian (I think??) and Aziz is a non practicing Muslim (I think???), so I took that for him and ran with it. As for Becky, making her someone who grew up Catholic but doesn't necessarily believe in their teachings anymore (I write about Catholicism a lot for someone who grew up fundamentalist Baptist lmao) has been interesting to me. Their religious and cultural differences have always been intriguing to me, especially as someone who likes doing research into different religions and cultures (I blame my Hetalia days (yes I was in the fandom, no I'm not proud lmao)).

What makes me sad about them: They've literally never met in canon. I don't even know if they know each other exists. They are literally just in my head. Also I am the only one writing for them which means I have to make all the content. *sobs*

things done in fanfic that annoys me: Once again, I'm literally the only one writing for them lmao so nothing. Yet.

things I look for in fanfic: For anyone looking to join me in Barryl hell (PLEASE I'M STARVING), they need to be the biggest nerds ever who do not know how to romance. They are pining idiots who have no idea what they're doing but boy do they want to.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:  N/A, I want them together damn it! XDD

My happily ever after for them: They get engaged after Becky graduates with her Bachelor's and get married after Darryl graduates with his. They have three kids and never stop being giant nerds together. <3

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Drawthething said Darryl and you know what she's right. Though I imagine on really bad days Becky gets to be, but it's mostly him.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Watching movies together and geeking out about the story and fantasy/sci-fi elements together, and also ranting when something doesn't make sense. Also singing together!

#sally answers #drawthething #hey katie #barryl #becky krespe x darryl #ask meme #ship meme #thank you for the ask!

[titleleaf]

fifty ways to leave! SOOOO legit. Please regale us.

yessss I loved writing this fic but it feels like it's been ten thousand years so thank you for letting me revisit it

"fifty ways to leave", Taxi Driver (1976), Iris Steensma & Travis Bickle postcanon spectral gen written for Yuletide 2020

One thing I wanted to deal with in this fic is the film's uneasy conclusion with Iris being returned to her parents -- while being sexually exploited by Sport and witnessing violent crime is obviously a pretty awful state of affairs, there's plenty of stuff back at home that fucks kids up too, and I didn't like the thought that her right path in life necessarily meant going back to a settled socially-acceptable life. At the same time, older now, she's still stuck making compromises, selling a tacky fantasy, and being subordinated to dipshit men -- getting a shitty boring office job means forcing herself into a role she doesn't like much, both closeting herself as a queer woman and kind of doing workplace drag just to get through the door to interview. I wanted to write about Iris turned loose back in the urban wild without another person controlling her and trying to figure out how she wants to live.

I love writing fic about characters whose actors have work spanning decades where it's especially tempting to imagine those characters growing up/spanning time periods -- I just realized thanks to photos and shit I am now able to visualize Jodie Foster circa 1982-3 (with much nicer swingier hair than I have written Iris with in this fic) and it's so fun.

I love, love, love ghost stories and especially vanishing-hitchhiker-type stories of a living person sharing time and space with someone who couldn't possibly be there -- a phantom cabbie is just that turned inside out and I had fun trying to figure out the kind of visual signifiers that would flag to Iris that she's out of place even before she recognizes Travis. She's left with this tangible, physical record of their encounter, Travis' jacket as this object that's gotten dislodged from linear time, and in addition to continuing the vanishing-hitchhiker riff

Rereading now I think I also wanted to do some stuff with the physical residues of smoky, sooty, jizz-stained early-70s New York -- scent is a really powerful trigger for memories both good and bad and I know in my heart that both Travis Bickle and his taxi absolutely reek. Iris is as merciless to her own parents and upbringing in this fic as Travis is sentimental toward his own, but it's taken her this long to get that perspective on both of them and on Travis himself now that she's encountering him in the metaphorical flesh again. And I guess a ghost is another kind of residue??? Idk man.

If this fic has a sibling in the stuff I've written it's my fic for The Stand, "deep red bells" -- it's set in a no-Captain-Trips (or at least pre-Captain Trips) timeline where Nadine is trying to put together the information she can about this awful demon lover who's still pursuing her even a universe away, whose presence she can identify by its residues even if she can't find Flagg himself. If that's more about chasing ghosts this fic is just about Iris kind of living with them, and with the lack of satisfying conclusion and emotional resolution that a lot of people just end up living with. Iris in this fic is going to end up living to be like 85 and living an incredibly varied and rich life (idk what she'll end up doing -- feminist organizer, writer, artist, complicated person and incredible dresser and haunted urban waif) but she'll be carrying around the memories of this wildly unsettled, ambivalent experience and at times they'll be unbearably vivid even as they get more chronologically remote.

The title is because I cannot think about Paul Simon without laughing.

...I just realized that having Iris be raised Catholic opposite Travis Bickle's Schrader-given Presbyterian-coding gives them the same religious backgrounds as my own parents. I am going to try and avoid thinking about wtf this means about me psychologically.

#ska writes a thing

[lnights]

☕ Christmas!

Ooof alright.

So first I'll say I do like all the house decorations I see for Christmas, they're pretty cool and there's a few houses in my neighborhood and my folks neighborhood that go all out on decor displays for Christmas and Halloween so those are cool to see, and it's nice to be able to get stuff on sales and chocolate oranges only ever really show up around this time and I love those.

Rant section: maybe don't read if your a fan of Christmas.

TL:RD I think Christmas brings some fun things around this time of year but there's a lot I don't like about it, even if I kinda go along with it because of my in-laws.

Tbh I'm saying this as someone whose lives in the US and has their whole life, I don't know how different it is in other countries.

IT FUCKING DOMINATES EVERYTHING!

Days off school and work? Totally centered around it (assuming you don't work retail, if you do you just suffer longer hours until the 25 then you're allowed to die)

I saw fake Christmas trees being sold in fucking September this year. SEPTEMBER.

*angry bat squeaks*

And it's everywhere and every year I see people whining and trying to acted like there's a "war on Christmas". Why? BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE CELEBRATES YOUR CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY KAREN!? And if anyone isn't shoving candy canes up their ass is apparently attacking it.

Because Starbuck doesn't put "Merry Christmas" on their holiday cups anymore, but "happy holidays" or more benign winter stuff like snowmen or flakes that?

It's not like THERE'S A BUNCH OF OTHER HOLIDAYS IN WINTER. and of course there's people that just don't celebrate any of it.

I was raised in a different religion than Christianity so my family never celebrated Christmas, and I legit had people feeling sorry for me when they found out and I just 🤷🏻‍♀️ didn't care. It's part of another religion, why would I care about it?

"but don't you want presents?" No? Plus my birthday is in January lol I'll get presents.

"oh but you don't have to celebrate the Jesus part!" It's. A. Christian. Holiday.

"it's really more cultural." Yeah Christan culture.

And then there's the fact almost everything attached to Christmas (yule logs, wreaths, trees, stockings, probably lights, etc) Was ripped from other winter holidays (Saturnila, yule, solstice etc) with the express purpose of converting pagans.

Also, historians believe Jesus' birthday was most likely in June, even that was changed to put Christmas with more holidays so they could convert more people.

And before someone comes at me I am talking about the history of it, this is all documented history. Has it morphed somewhat since that time? Yes.

I hate the assumption of everyone celebrating it. It's so enmeshed in the culture here even though we have so many different people and beliefs. You literally can find someone from anywhere here and basically every belief structure, it's one of the few things I like about my country (my state alone has a good sized communities of Muslims, Jewish, Asatreu (Norse Pagan) and Wiccan) and people get pissy if you don't play make believe with your kids about a fat man on a red suit.

Aaand somehow I've been roped into celebrating it every year with my in-laws because my SO is ex-catholic. Please don't think me a hypocrite, they're aware of my views.🫣

Look, I really have nothing against people celebrating it, religiously or not, ultimately it's a time to get together with people and I hope people do that, spend more time with people they like (the cultural pressure to be with family even if they're awful is another thing that can go though)

#answered asks #im an awkward 🦇 #rant #spectralstormcloud

[lynsburner]

BESTIE BESTIE BESTIE DID YOU SEE THE VID OF ANDY SINGING UNKNOWN ON STAGE????

https://twitter.com/hozier/status/1666156710816251927?s=46&t=LSoyIXqT91OLGNpISabobw

“you know the distance never made a difference to me” THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF WAS YOUR FIC 😭 this song is sooooo andy/lovely core im obsessed!! i can’t wait for it to come out, A) bc it sounds amazing already, and B) bc im so excited to hear your thoughts on it!!!

Oh... bestie... you might not like my answer for this one because I am absolutely begging him to put this one bACK IN THE VAULT (or whatever it is. Sorry I have too much Taylor on my mind after going to the eras tour twice now. And for the last time, I swear.)

Is it a bad song? Absolutely fucking not. It's gorgeous. But it hits a little too close to home for me.

So... I am about to tell a silly story. Picture this. It is late September. I am SEATED to see Carly Rae Jepsen at Radio City. I check twitter (yes I am on the hoz side of twitter. Not under this name, though lol). People are freaking out about a tik tok he made. I had only seen a small clip posted of him jamming on a guitar so I think nothing of it.

The curtain goes up. Carly comes on. I am having the most fun two hours of my life because how can't you when you get to hear the best opening number for an album ever made, sax and all? She ends with Cut to the Feeling, one of the most joyous songs ever made! I am on a happiness high! Nothing can ruin my night!

And then I am sitting at the bus stop and I check tik tok and realize it was a full song! A full song about a long-distance relationship! And I start SOBBING!!!! Because guess what? That song is SAD!

So I go from absolutely forgetting every bad thing that had ever happened to me to full-on crying about a failed relationship I was still not over!!! In the middle of 5th Avenue, no less!!!!

Idk if you've heard the full thing, but it is DEPRESSING! It's basically the opposite of Francesca (or the "I'd do it all over again" motif) ! He literally sings "And there are some people, love, who are better unknown" like??? Imagine thinking you're better off never someone than knowing them at all! (which, I know is my interpretation, and I can very much be wrong but that's what it's giving to me!) I can imagine! I was still in that mindset! Especially since this one was about a long-distance relationship! It hit me too fucking hard!!! I have literally ignored every live performance I've come across of it on social media since because it makes me absolutely sob!!! I wish I was joking!

Anyway, a hilarious bookend to this: the day he announced in that Instagram Q&A the date Unknown was officially being released? Guess who I was seeing in concert that night? That's right! Carly Rae FUCKING Jepsen!!!!! *Insert the "If I had a nickel" meme here*

But yeah, he got the real long-distance thing down to a fucking t, especially with the second verse, "Funny how true colors shine in darkness and in secrecy. If there were scarlet flags, they washed out in thе mind of me" because yeah, you can forgive a lot of shit when the person isn't physically in front of you! Also, "Where a blinding light shonе on you every night Either side of my sleep" to me is just a fancy little way of saying face time/late night calls lol. (Again, I could be wrong, but still!)

But (I am sorry for repeating "But"... BUT!) he also confirmed it's from circle 9, which is treachery! Which... well I am not defining a successful relationship as treachery, I'm sorry! Judas is in that circle! And I did too many years in Catholic school to know what that guy fucking did!

Anyway, unlike me and my ex (and whoever the fuck Hoz is singing about, may they have their peace and never have to hear this one randomly in a store or some shit), Andrew and Lovely are definitely on better terms in my mind and are absolutely thriving <3 As I said before, love those crazy kids! They're in their own universe probably looking at rings as we speak! Or face-timing since he's out on the road! Good for them!

This is also not an insult to long-distance relationships in general. I loved that shit. It was wonderful! The guy, though? He sucks! And I am still doing some reflecting on that (which I am sure will continue once I force myself to listen to Unknown in a non tik tok way!)

Lovely Anon, I know this is not the answer you expected, but hopefully, it makes you chuckle! Or at least gets you to listen to the greatest album ever made: Emotion, by Carly Rae Jepsen!

PS: thank you for that other ask because I have been putting "no plan" back into my rotation of songs and oh boy I forgot how fucking good it was!!!!!

PPS: I hope this didn't come off as too, "Uhm, actually!" because that was not my intent! The opening, out of context, is absolutely Lovely and Andrew coded! But the rest? Oh, she has words for him!!!!!

#like I said I know this is not what you expected but that song really hits me HARD #and I really don't cry to songs #except maybe treacherous and would've could've should've but that is for OTHER REASONS #anyway again i am sorry for this silly story #anyway these songs of his make me want to write an essay on the way hoz plays with perspective and how mayhaps he is the problem! #but again another story for another day #i need to go to bed lmfao #I need to start tagging these asks uhhh how about #lyn needs to stop talking

[kotorno]

Fun Story Time

Growing up, I was raised Christian as my family was considered Lutheran protestants. At least that’s the kind of churches we went to. As I got into my teens I questioned religion a lot because it starts to crop up, “wait, some of this doesn’t make sense.” My parents were upset with me for having such a shake in faith, but I persisted on. What I would eventually learn is that my parents’ marriage was absolutely HATED by the majority of dad’s family as he didn’t marry “the right kind of Christian” and so my mother at the time, trying to still be in their good graces, wasn’t upset so much at my lack of faith, but was more upset that they’d look down on her MORE because one of her kids abandoned religion altogether. I’ve found Catholism a toxic dump ever since. If people are going to judge you based on your fucking DENOMINATION of religion, they can fuck off. Didn’t know at the time, but there’s even worse denominations than that. Fun. As part of the (at least lutheran-protestant) christian tradition, I had to get “confirmed” with the church. For those unaware what this is, the common practice of christian tradition is that no baby is born “good” in a sense. You first need to be baptised in order to be “cleansed” to have the holy spirit with you. (If this sounds 100% incorrect, I apologize, but it is how it was told to me by my fucking pastor.) After baptism, your ritual for “adulthood” in christian faith is to get Confirmed. This basically is “I’ve been saved by the holy trinity, now I am affirming my belief.” Depending on church will depend on how it goes, and I’m guessing denomination as well, but what it meant for me is that for 2 years, I would have to take extra church classes after school at least once a week to truly “understand the value of christ.” And of course, with most old religious traditions that go, “you’re an adult now!” this is sprung on you when you’re about 12-15. You know. WHEN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH FUCKING PUBERTY. Definitely the BEST time to force faith down your throat as you don’t understand what the fuck is going on with your body. As a side-note, let’s think for a moment. Isn’t fucking WEIRD that you “need” to be baptised to be saved from evil? The baby doesn’t have a conscious choice in this, they just get it done to them because the parents said so. But I suppose that’s why the confirmation exists, for you as “an adult” to choose if the religion is right for you or not. ...except the part where you’re a FUCKING TEENAGER and you still live (most likely) under the roof of the same people who baptised you and they are forcing you to go into this regardless of your opinion or not. As such, I went through the confirmation program. It was mostly, and I shit you not, just “let’s redo bible school, but now it’s required to be part of the church.” Which is ridiculous as it is. For many churches, they have an alternative to younger children instead of church services, and that is a class they partake in that teaches the same lessons, just in a classroom setting instead of those uncomfortable wooden bullshit couches. So for me, who was already subjected to this school on sunday (that taught really no real lessons that you wouldn’t already find in a fairy tale), the majority of these 2 years of “can’t hang on wednesday, I gotta go to church and learn how to be a good christian” were review and nothing else. At this point you’re probably going, “wow, we get it, you hated it.” Yes. But I think it’s better to understand the temperament in which I went in with for these classes. As I was only 12 at the time of these starting, I was given an ultimatum by my mother: “Go in with an open mind” as my faith (or lack thereof) was already waning. But shutting yourself out completely before hearing at least what the other side had to say was indeed wrong. So I went in with this mindset. If I HAD to go to these classes, then I would go to LEARN. Why is the bible the way it is? Do we quote scripture properly? Why do we bother to use the Old Testament as keys to lectures/sermons/whatever when the story of Jesus Christ is literally him saying, “no, fuck that” ? I came with those types of questions for most classes starting off. I wasn’t trying to be, “well, actually,” I was genuinely trying to get, from the perspective of either a devout congregation member who taught the class or a pastor, WHY they thought this was the way it was. What insight did they have that would assist? Of course, these classes weren’t one-on-one. They were with others. Some who were devout already and just ready to believe whatever the teacher told them. Some were bored and annoyed they were forced to be there. And me, being as polite as possible, would raise my hand when questions were allowed... “Excuse me, but from what I could read in the bible, I couldn’t find an exact passage that supports this. Could you elaborate on why ____ is mandatory in service?” I think one time that blank was filled in with “song” (I hated singing in public), sometimes it was about communion, but always I would look through the book, to the best of my ability, to see if there was a direct correlation. This was the holy text, and I needed confirmation on how the rituals came about if there wasn’t a road map. After all, you read about 2+2 and you can read the history of WHY 2+2 and how it got there, etc. The knowledge is there to be learned, understood, and accepted. It gets updated (hopefully) to match with the times in order for current generations to better understand it. That’s how textbooks should work. In the context of this class, the bible itself was the textbook, and the textbook didn’t bring up the examples I commented on. In fairness, at least the pastor would be able to give some historical context to why some of the rituals were used. I liked these answers as they gave me more understanding of how the religion was founded. After all, if I was going to be a devout believer in this, just knowing Jesus died for our sins wasn’t enough. I needed to know what had happened between then and now. And that’s when it happened. Someone in the class just shouted at me, “Devil Child!” I was confused by this. I was trying to get information in gaps that the text could not provide. I paid it no mind at first... But I kept asking questions. I wanted to be open minded, so for me to be open minded I needed to know as much as I could. If I just “believed” what was in the text directly, that would be just as close-minded as shunning the religion altogether. Now though, almost EVERYONE was commenting on me each time I made a question. “Devil Child.” “Only the devil would ask questions of faith,” some reasoned. Others just wanted to jump on me because that’s how they got their kicks. Be it the congregation member teachers or the pastor, they sat in silence as I was continually called this. Just ignoring it passively, though I could see at least the congregation member teachers sometimes smugly smiling at me, “shut up freak, just accept the religion and piss off” is what their expression told me. I endured this for 2 years because my parents told me to. I knew I was being harassed and did tell my mother one time. She took it up to the pastor who then said, “oh, well he’s a bit of a disruptive student” so I was shat on again. Asking questions... when you say, “does anyone have any questions?” is being... disruptive? What? Nevermind that the issue wasn’t my questions, it was, ‘why are these kids being so harassing toward someone who wants to understand the faith better?” I would meet with that pastor shortly before my actual confirmation ceremony. In which I learned, he was pretty much A-OK with those other kids being assholes to me. “Part of faith is having faith in it, it’s typically frowned upon to ask questions,” he said... after I had already endured this for the past 2 years. “Then why even entertain my questions in the first place? Why ask for questions?” I would say. “Oh. We know most don’t care to ask them, it’s just a common phrase to make sure people understand and we just move on, you know how it is,” he said. “But I DIDN’T understand, that’s why I was asking them.” “Yeah, and that’s your problem. Faith isn’t about understanding, it’s about belief.” I was adamant on NOT being confirmed. But apparently (and this could be 100% bullshit told to me just to do the ceremony) if you don’t get confirmed it’s harder to become a member of a church later in life. So I did what I had to, and had a fun picture of my 14 year old self pretending to smile in confirmation robes planted on my parents’ shelf for all the years to come. When I brought this up much later in life, mainly as a joke as to how horrible christian people can be, my mother was horrified, “Why didn’t I hear about this?!” “I told you. You tried to do something, they did jack-all.” “I thought they were having a problem with your lack of faith.” “Oh no, they probably thought that based on how my conversation with that asshole pastor went. I was just trying to get kids to stop bullying me for wanting to learn.” I gave up most all faith after that. While I’m probably more agnostic than anything (there are too many good people who do not deserve to die while the wicked still live, and I’m scared to shit of death after being extremely suicidal in high school), I’ve had an extreme bad taste for Christianity ever since. That doesn’t mean you can’t be a good person and still be very religious christian. I’ve met quite a few who may wear their religion on their sleeve, but don’t use it as an end-all be-all that I see... far too common nowadays. In a quest to understand, I was told, “shut the fuck up and just take this in, no questions asked.” And I look now, especially today, to how that mentality has spread to extremists. The church I attended wasn’t batshit insane, it was considered highly respectable by most in my metro area. It wasn’t mormon or evangelical or fucking jehovah’s witnesses levels of batshit insane. It wasn’t even Catholic insane. But the point remained between all of them, from what I saw and learned: To ask a question, is a sin to god. The God that is “perfect,” “infallible,” “loving,” “all-knowing.” If they’re perfect and all-knowing, they should be able to answer some goddamn questions. If they’re infallible and loving, they should be smiting truly wicked people from this world. This is the God that the New Testament speaks of. One would would literally give a human child to bear the brunt of human sin. This is the christian God. And it’s a fucking lie. Maybe, just maybe, people know of such a god. But none who invoke that name constantly to push their own viewpoints see such a god. They see a malicious, hateful, evil judge who must destroy anything that does not fit their ideal image. And now we have the US run by people who think that. By people who “believe” that because belief is all that matters. Fuck what anyone else says. Belief in this all-powerful asshole that wants to destroy anything they deem incorrect. PRETTY SURE that’s what the devil was supposed to be in the christian mythos. But what do I know. I am in fact, a “devil child.”

#fuck theocracy #fuck the supreme court

[fantasticalleigh]

You were a Mormon? Geez, how did you escape? I heard it's like a cult.

I was brought up a Catholic, but that was easy to escape. I just walked away, refused all entreaties from my mom and grandma to go back, and they eventually stopped asking. I don't even go at Christmas and Easter anymore, the sheer hypocrisy is way too much for me to tolerate even twice a year to make my mom happy.

Sadly, I was! technically still am but more on that later. My parents were members since before I was born so I was going as a wee child up until I was baptized and officially joined at 8 years old. I didn’t leave until I was in my early twenties.

Adding a cut here because this is a long response so sorry in advance! But this ask really opened the floodgates bc I honestly don’t get to talk about this a lot, if ever. 

It’s definitely a cult. It’s all emotional tactics to reel you in and keep you there. Everyone is friendly and there’s always lots of fun family events going on and within time you’re given leadership roles in the church to become more involved.  One of the most successful tactics they use is the “sealing” ceremony, where a family is bound/sealed for all eternity within the temple. New/existing members are encouraged to get their extended family to join so they can all get sealed together, because it’s honestly a lovely thought that death won’t be able to part you. But it’s a gross emotional ploy to increase membership, and it really works. 

Honestly, I enjoyed church some of the time. The songs were pretty and the people were nice, but yeah--there was a lot of hypocrisy going on and I hated being policed so closely about what I wore. Thanks to my sisters’ influences I loved punk-rock/alt/goth music and the general scene/aesthetic (Green Day, MCR, Evanesence, etc) but that was super frowned upon. It was funny, looking back, because I loved all that but was too afraid to swear bc I did believe that Sky Daddy would punish me for it. Didn’t try coffee until I was like 23 I think. Was heavily discouraged from wearing black or any “upsetting” imagery, had to sit like a lady, had to talk proper and conduct myself in a way that meant I was proper wife material--which, you know, is a great goal to set in kids so young. Young Women had to have their classes separate from the Young Men and we were constantly being taught lessons about homemaking, motherhood, modesty, purity, all that stuff. Even when I was young it left a bad taste in my mouth but I never questioned it bc it was all I knew. 

My dad had a somewhat prominent leadership role in our ward and so bc of that we always had to keep up appearances but I was ALWAYS falling asleep at church, especially during testimony. It’s boring. So boring. And I hated wasting my Sundays sitting there when I could be watching cartoons at home instead. But the hymns were pretty and sometimes I could sneak away and go hide in an empty room and draw on chalkboards if I didn’t want to deal with people (I did this a LOT). I was a decent mormon but I wouldn’t say a good one lol. My family still went out for lunch every Sunday despite that being a holy day and it being frowned upon (but so many other families did it too, and we’d always laugh about it). 

My parents didn’t speak English very well so we were members of the Spanish ward the entire time. That backfired tho bc my Spanish has never been good so most of the time during bible study or other general lessons I was struggling to keep up or understand. Most members were bilingual so at least in the Young Women’s classes I understood everything perfectly. Another big tactic the LDS church uses (and most cults in general) is the doomsday one. I remember constantly being told that the earth’s last days were upon us and we were a special generation of soldiers handpicked by God to live in these times. I remember being scared as shit but feeling special despite it. Which, you know--yikes. 

I joined because it made my parents happy. I was eight years old when the missionaries were constantly coming around to our house and reading scripture with us and teaching us the great things about joining the church etc. I remember that so vidily--I would hide in a corner behind the sofa and listen and my parents were so hopeful about my sisters and I saying yes that it felt like I would have broken their hearts if I said no. But I mean, I was literally eight years old so they would have stuffed me in a proper dress and dragged my ass to church anyway LOL. I was baptized and I remember how proud they were, especially after we did the sealing ceremony--we still have the document somewhere with my small 8 year old handprint on it. 

As much as I didn’t like the physical act of going to and being at church, I still tried to believe and be good. Following the commandments is relatively easy and I prayed and forced myself to read the book of Mormon and was considered a “Good Kid” by the church leaders in our ward. Mostly because I didn’t talk much and nodded along to everything they said. I participated in doing Baptisms for the Dead even though it was a wild concept to me at the time and I did have issues with the consent aspect (or lack of it) at the time. But I started having doubts as a teen because I was starting to realize how sexist/racist/homophobic the teachings are. I was super depressed in my teens and threw myself harder into the faith because I thought doing that would heal me, or make my problems go away. And when the abuse or the bullying didn’t stop and the depression didn’t lift I kept asking myself: Why is god ignoring me? Why do I still feel this way? Am I not worthy? 

I did the girl’s camp thing and eventually became a counselor. I went to see Nauvoo and cried during the reenactment of Joseph Smith’s final moments. I dressed modestly and prayed every night and morning and before meals and tried to study the Bible. But it was so boring, and it felt like I was just playing a part. I didn’t feel happy. 

The older men in the church were very flirty. They sought me and my sisters out after services and would make small talk--I responded as best as I could in broken Spanish and would leave as soon as we could. Whenever we didn’t want to deal with people we would hide in one of the many classrooms and draw on the chalkboards or just talk to the other teens who were also bored out of their minds. When I was 17 or 18, I had to sit through a temple recommendation interview with my bishop (a 40+ year old man who worked closely with my dad). I was sitting in the chair in front of his desk and there was another chair, empty, beside mine, and he told me to imagine that God was sitting there, and so I felt pressure to answer honestly and not leave the room like I wanted. I was nervous and uncomfortable. He asked me if I was still pure. He asked me if I had ever masturbated. If I looked at porn. If I had a boyfriend. If I had ever done drugs or drank alcohol or taken God’s name in vain. This is not an isolated incident--it’s a common practice in the church to deem who is “”””worthy”””” of entering the sacred temple. 

I sort of blocked it out when it was over and didn’t think about it again. I got my recommendation and was happy about it and that was it. Looking back now, that is fucking MORTIFYING. And I guess that was really when the veil sort of started to lift and I felt more and more uncomfortable in the church.

My twin sis and I spent our freshman year at an out of state school, and that was the first time in pretty much our whole lives that we weren’t actively going to church for longer than a month. We felt so free--and cautious. She already had one foot out the door and I was toeing it. I felt SO guilty for not going or praying regularly, but eventually I found it wasn’t so scary. And my sis and I would talk about church and how we were feeling, and the weird shit we’d gone through, and go “that was fucking weird wasn’t it?” And just being able to talk that freely about it without our parents overhearing was huge.

I was coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t as straight as I thought. My twin sis had already come out by then and made the mistake of telling our mom, who imploded and begged her to get counseling within the church to rectify it. I felt like I had spent most of my life living by someone else’s rules and had suppressed my true identity the entire time, and it was enough. I was also doing some research at the time and found the truth behind the church’s beloved founder/prophet Joseph Smith (pedophile/rapist, conman, etc.) which was really eye-opening. Also the church’s (at the time) super hard stance against LGTBQIA+ and gay marriage was kind of a neon sign blinking at me to gtfo. 

So I could keep going and living a life I didn’t like or I could get my Sundays back and actually live my life. Easy peasy. 

When we came back home for the summer we never announced it but we just stopped going. It was the exact same as you, anon--they kept trying to pressure and guilt us into going back with them. It worked a few times, but only for special events. 

Technically to officially leave the church you have to write a letter to your bishop to have him delete you from the record. I really wanted to do it but didn’t, because there are so many horror stories from other Ex Mormons who did this, intending to exit the LDS church but not have to tell their families, only for the meddling bishop to snitch anyway and form an intervention. Hard pass. Didn’t want to deal with it. And I still haven’t done it. I don’t think anyone would be surprised if I did it now. But I still think there would be fallout from my parents. 

So yeah. This was unnecessarily long but your question broke the dam open, lol. I could go on for even longer but maybe that’s for another time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fucked up because I was in that cult for so long or if I was fucked up before it. Either way I’m out now and am living more or less deliciously so there’s that. 

(There’s tons of really good podcasts about the history of the founding of the church and the scumbags who abused their power (Joesph Smith, Brigham Young, to name two--I haven’t researched it that thoroughly though so I'm sure there’s much more. Also, the ExMormon subreddit is a fantastic resource for other accounts of leaving the church and it’s current/past issues, weirdly specific memes and introductions on how to make coffee.)

#ask leigh #Leigh speaks #again sorry this came out so freaking long #happy halloween? the timing of this lmao #thanks for asking tho genuinely I got to vent about this which I rarely do

[chordsykat]

41/F for Cherry!

41: How do they feel about children?

Cherry likes kids but hates the idea of having her own. I mean, hate is a strong word, but... yeah she probably comes close. :D I don't see her as a motherly type in any way shape or form, which is funny because she is absolutely Baen-Shee's band-mom. Hell, there might have been a time that she wanted children, but came to realize her own sanity might be at stake, so she noped TF out and chose to use those nuturing talents on the adults that come into her life.

A lot of us grew up in or are currently growing up in households that just sorta expect people to get married and have babies, but that by itself can feel like a huge burden that turns into a turn-off later in life. This is especially common in religious households, and there's a good chance Cherry O'Reilly had a Catholic upbringing to some extent. And if you've seen some of my other hints on the inner-workings of her mind, Cherry has certain things that point to kids being a lot for her to handle. Very much like a friend of mine whom she is partially based on, Cherry may have ADHD... and if there's one thing that overwhelms this friend in particular, it's children. :)

F: What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Here again, I get very excited to write for Cherry. She's got a lot going on and I wanted a lot of Dethkomic to revolve around her history with Pickles, so that has been a great deal of fun to explore so far.

Next update in fact will have a flashback and even further developments between the two of them, and I am very much looking forward to getting that one out to you guys for that reason. It's one of those things that if I could, I'd snap my fingers and make the comic appear on the pages so I could update it tonight BUT NOOOOOOOO I GOTTA DO IT THE HARD WAY booo. :D

Great questions! Love these! Original prompt is here.

#mtl oc #mtl #answered #prompts

[maddieonthemovee]

May 20 - Manga Museum and Mount Fushimi

My day started off with a failed attempt to get coffee and breakfast before our class meeting. We stopped at a café inside a hotel that was on the way from our hotel to the meeting room, but unfortunately the line was too long. We made our way to class, no coffee or pastry in hand :( Hopefully tomorrow or another day this week my friends and I will be able to go! After our class meeting at 9 AM, our class walked to the Kyoto International Manga Museum. We arrived an hour before the museum opened, so we broke for breakfast. Our prayers were answered! My friends and I went to Blue Bottle where I tried an iced saffron vanilla latte and ate a waffle. The latte supposedly had two shots of espresso in it, but it didn’t taste super strong. The waffle was pretty good! We made our way back to the museum and wandered around the central exhibit of the history and evolution of manga. Along the perimeters of the walls of the exhibit room, there were shelves of manga arranged in chronological order. I loved getting to see the original Japanese version of manga I have read as well as manga for anime that I have watched. I got a couple of capsule toys and one manga volume of my favorite anime (Kuroko’s Basketball) in the gift shop below. In the gift shop, they had gifts and trinkets for several of the most popular manga/anime in the world, but my favorite part of the gift shop was that they had separate shelves for manga in various languages including English, Spanish, Portuguese, and French. I have seen manga in various stores here in Japan so far, but I haven’t been able to purchase any because they have all been in Japanese. I appreciated the ability to get a volume in a language I fully understand. At 11:30, we saw paper theater. It was definitely geared towards kids with its use of jokes and puns to tell stories in engaging and fun ways, but I enjoyed it a lot! The narrator/storyteller was able to connect us English speakers with the Japanese families in the room which really enhanced my viewing experience.

We broke for lunch; my friends and I wandered through Teramachi, which was a Main Street of shops and cafes. I ate a club sandwich and tried an iced matcha strawberry latte. We didn’t have time to browse the stores, so I am aiming to return for one of our free afternoons or evenings to go shopping. Our next and main activity for the day was to go to Mount Fushimi and see the Fushimi-inari Shrine. Unfortunately, I did not know that this activity would require a lot of hiking, so unfortunately, I did not wear the most suitable outfit. I enjoyed seeing the statues of foxes everywhere, obviously walking through the thousands of red torii gates, the view from the midway point, and one of the rituals you can do at Mount Fushimi. There were two rocks, each on a pedestal. You were to donate a coin, make a wish or say a prayer, and then lift one of the rocks. If the rock was lighter than you thought it would be, your wish would come true, but if it was heavier than you thought it would be, your wish would not come true. I tried to convince myself that the rock was going to be really heavy to ensure that my wish would come true, but unfortunately it was still heavier than I thought. After making it to the halfway point, my friends and I needed to take a break. I was dripping sweat, so I definitely put my portable fan to good use! We made our way back down the mountain and browsed the vendors and shops on the way back to our train station. I bought a flowery hair clip and got a love fortune. A couple and my friends had a casual dinner at a MOS Burger near our hotel, and now I am getting ready for a fun night out with my friends!

Academic Reflection:

While reading about Inari, the deity that the Fushimi-inari is dedicated to, I was surprised to find similarities between rituals for Inari and certain traditional aspects of my own faith. Incense and holy water play a large role in Catholic sacraments and masses, so I found it fascinating that at Toyokawa Inari’s Fall Festival, priests process with a portable shrine and “purify the grounds and onlookers…one scatters drops of water from a goblet…one carries incense in a receptacle fashioned as a dragon” (Smyers 4). I also found parallels between Catholicism’s view of God with views of Inari in the quotes “Inari is both loved and feared” and “people consider Inari to be a very powerful deity: the ‘rough’ or ‘wild’ side is not necessarily evil; it is simply the deity’s inherent power to reward or punish” (Smyers 9). I was shocked to be able to relate viewpoints of a completely different religion to those of my own.

I learned that not only the practices and rituals for Inari are varying, but the perspectives of the deity itself are not consistent. Despite the common consensus that Inari is not a fox, Inari can be referred to as a man and/or a woman. I wondered why this deity seemed to be the only one with an ambiguous gender association. I enjoyed the knowledge that despite the ambiguity surrounding who exactly Inari is, there are specific objects that represent Inari such as “the fox, jewel, red torii, red worship hall, prayer flags, rock altar, cedar, fried tofu, and rice” (Smyers 7). I was expecting there to be a lot of vendors in Japan selling rice-based goods in general, but in the immediate area of the Inari shrine, there were countless vendors selling rice crackers, rice dumplings, and various other rice-based products and foods.

[cassandralexxx]

being annoying:

being annoying bc I’m annoyed. It’s just kinda irritating that my friends do so many things to like make fun of/disrespect my faith. like they know that I don’t find that kinda thing amusing and in my head it feels direspectful so like it’s like can y’all pls stop?

it’s like always but most recent example is some person on tiktok has bought the communion wafers and is making food out of them and every time they make the food like 3 of my friends sends me the video. like yes im catholic but im not the target audience if that video. I am aware that they are not consecrated and aren’t sacred/ the holy host yet. Still though, the reason the videos are popular is because it is shocking/funny to see because of the religious context of how it is viewed as sacred (unless I’m misinterpreting). Considering everyone in the comments being like “you ate a whole Jesus” “make wine gravy to eat his blood too” it seems understandable to interpret the jokes in that way. like one of my friends used to be catholic and she kinda hates Catholicism, which like valid. But she will always send me stuff and do stuff shitting on it telling me about it. This part isn’t shitting on it but she mentioned some TikTok of a family that went to like Christmas mass and the adult kids got wasted before going and she was like “ isn’t that a dream come true” “that’s such a life goal”. And I emote a lot so my face made a face bc in my head the answer to that is a resounding no bc it feels disrespectful but I wasn’t going to say anything and she was like “I guess not for you 🙄😒” anyways yeah like I’d appreciate it if my friends would stop sending me specifically content that makes fun of my beliefs! Great that you’re having fun about it but kindly F off and leave me out of it.

like jokes are almost always centered around the Eucharist and it’s like… y’all do understand that when I say that I believe that the consecrated form is actually God I mean it right? Like I’ve mentioned that to them before like multiple times. Like idc about the jokes and stuff for themselves but it’s like they think ‘oh she’s catholic’ and then say stuff to me and it’s like girl maybe if I was ex catholic or didn’t yknow actively believe but i do and they know that 😭

it’s always something and it’s annoying like please stop fr. Idc that you find it funny just leave me out of it

#mylife