#I hope this is a satisfactory conclusion I only just now wrote the very last bit idk why I didn't get around to it before

[martianbugsbunny]

To Convince You That I Love You (A Kalluzeb Fic): Chapter 4

*spinning around slowly whilst dabbing* This is the last chapter of this fic! I never said it was going to be a long chapter fic, and four is more than I usually get to, but I'm still kind of sad that it's done already. I am, however, considering basically doing an AU of my own fic so I can have this short and sweet version and potentially (don't hold me to it) a longer version full of much more miscommunication and angst before Kallus and Zeb get together. (Hehe.) But for now this is where the buck stops, so read on and enjoy the finale!

Kallus could feel the fog in his brain even while he was unconscious. He was drifting, somewhere in a deep darkness, and he couldn’t see so much as a beam of light to lead him out. Maybe there was no out.

Then he felt a vibration in his marrow. He knew it before he even recognized what it was.

A deep voice cut through the fog. “Wake up, Kal,” it said. And since it was in his bones, how could he refuse?

He opened his eyes. Right there, standing beside his cot, was Zeb. Kallus let his ISB training fall to the wayside as his eyes filled with tears, and he did nothing to stop them spilling out.

He would’ve expected Zeb to be uncomfortable with such a display of emotion. He had, in fact, seen that in action before…regarding other members of the crew, that is. But Zeb knelt down next to the cot (he was so tall, he was still about gut-level with the low frame) and, leaning his head on one hand with his elbow on the cot frame, laid the other on Kallus’s shoulder.

“It’s alright, Kal,” he said, and his voice was so unbelievably tender, yet filled with so much pain, Kallus wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him—for a second. Garazeb Orrelios was the one man, the one person, in the galaxy who could tell him even that the sky was green, and Kallus wouldn’t argue. He had put his life into Zeb’s hands back on Bahryn, and to be honest with himself, he hadn’t taken it out of them since.

As he sobbed, it felt like he was crying out the fog in his mind, releasing the confusion and the haze with his tears. He became sharply aware of the way Zeb’s claws dug into his flesh, each singular point of contact distinguishable from the others.

When he stopped crying, he also became aware of the way he had completely emotionally compromised himself. Even though he wasn’t in the Empire anymore, it was still hard to not think in their terms, and baring your bleeding heart to someone you were in love with wasn’t exactly Empire-approved protocol.

“I’m sorry,” he started.

Zeb rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to apologize, Kallus,” he said. “You’re hurt, of course you’re going to cry.”

Kallus tried to focus on the pain in his leg and not the irritation he was discovering in Zeb’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “If you worried.”

Zeb snorted. “If I worried? If? I know I’m not the easiest guy to read, Kal, but come on!”

Kallus’s throat constricted. “I wasn’t sure if you…it’s hard to judge how much you….” He trailed off and didn’t bother trying to finish. He wasn’t about to say something stupid and prideful and drive Zeb away.

“Who is it, Kal? I know you don’t love me, and I have no right to worry about you like I do, but I can at least give him the shovel talk.”

Kallus grabbed Zeb’s hand, despite the pain that shot up his arm at the movement and the accompanying spike of nausea. He simply prayed he wouldn’t throw up as he spoke. “Now who’s not doing his reading right?” he asked. He thought his voice sounded slightly hysterical. He wondered if it sounded worse to Zeb. “It’s you."

Zeb stared at him.

“You’ve been doing all those stupid, risky things because of me?” Noticing the look on Kallus’s face, he raised one barely-existent eyebrow. “I’m good at guessing,” he said dryly. "Actually, Sabine figured it out, but I should've seen through it myself."

“That girl's the only one with any sense around here,” Kallus muttered. “I had to be sure you would believe me when I said it. That you would see I’ve worked hard to be a better man, maybe not one worthy of you, but I think I am a decent man now and I really do love you.”

“Kallus, I would’ve believed you if you said it in the middle of the jungle after taking a few days’ leave—which, by the way, the doctor’s ordered you to take. Doing your best for the Rebellion and killing yourself for it aren’t the same, and before you started taking those risks, you were doing your best.”

"I can always do more," Kallus said. "I would give my life to convince you that I love you."

Zeb sighed, taking Kallus's hand in his. "But I'm telling you, you don't have to. And I wouldn't want you to. What's the point of telling me that you love me if you die and leave me alone?"

Kallus was now aware of nothing but those bright green eyes and the warm, strong hand in his own, which felt weak from unconsciousness and pain. It finally reached the processing part of his brain: Zeb wanted to believe Kallus loved him because....

That was why he'd seemed strange before. He'd thought Kallus was putting his life and limbs on the line for someone else—and there was only one reason why that would change his behavior so.

"Say it, Garazeb. I need to hear you say it back."

Zeb didn't hesitate, only pausing to study Kallus's face as though he never wanted to look at anything else as long as he lived, before repeating Kallus's words and making all of the sacrifice and recklessness worth it.

"I love you."

#kalluzeb #garazeb orrelios #zeb #alexsandr kallus #star wars #Star Wars rebels #fic #chapter fic #fic finale #I hope this is a satisfactory conclusion I only just now wrote the very last bit idk why I didn't get around to it before #I don't personally adore it but it's not bad #it just isn't my best work #and idk what would've made it be #but you know what not everything can be the top of your game and I need to work on accepting that #so I'm okay with it #(you know like a liar) #martianbugsbunny writes fic

[johananalisis]

Nagisa means shore, the space between land and sea

It’s a fitting name for you, as the one that interlinks humanity

After watching the final Evangelion movie I could finally conclude my final Kaworu analysis. The movie was amazing, can’t lie, am a bit sad that it is over.

In his never ending existence and his repeated life in a predestined narrative made him yearn for a purpose.

Ever since his first appearance in the manga or anime he wants to make Shinji happy even if that means sacrificing himself. That was his way of being him, rebelling towards SELLE, in search of his own resolve.

He projected his own ideals and wishes onto Shinji. He though he wanted to make him happy but in reality that was his happiness. He wanted Shinji’s happiness to make him happy, and as Kaji said that’s also a reason why he wrote his name in the Book of life, so they will keep meeting each other in Nagisa’s eternal life.

However we can’t say that Kaworu didn’t care about Shinji. I am not sure whether he was also in love with him, but definitely attracted to him since they shared similarities. Kaworu certainly has said that he loves Shinji, however it might have been Kaworu subconsciously giving himself a reason to aid Shinji. That’s why he leaves Shinji be when he creates the new Neon Genesis world.

We could even say hat Kaworu used Shinji for self satisfactory motives, however we are not so cruel (also disclaimer: Kaworu is my all time fav character)

We see Kaworu in every timeline, but he doesn’t always remember everything, does he? That’s due-to him being almost immortal but only in the body, while his mind and memories does die off a bit after ever “death”. That's of course because has Addam's soul. But his body also changes yet stays eternally young, as we can see from the coffins.

In the final Evangelion movie Kaji in the anti-universe (probably the anti-matter, since we can also see Gendo doing quantum leaps) opens Kaworu’s eyes and tells him the truth, with that he apologies to Shinji and goes with Kaji, continuing his search for a purpose but in a very healthier and self-aware manner. He realizes that what he was doing was wrong and so he lets Shinji go. Kaworu now lives a good life and refuses to rely and take advantage of another person for his own happiness and regards. No matter his motives and intentions, he helped Shinji and others a lot, we can’t disregard him of that.

As I already said, I think that Kaworu Nagisa is one of the best written characters, just with this movie. Before, mostly what we saw was his angel side, but now being exposed of corruption just like every person on this planet really shows more of his human side. However this is not a first time just for us, at the same time Kaworu was also met with the truth. He is confronted in front of a mirror of truth at the same time we are...

In the 3.0+0.1 Kaji introduces him to gardening, we can see this as a metaphor for letting Shinji go and finally doing something entirely his own.

We cannot deny that he wasn’t naïve. I believe that this was his biggest weakness.

Shinji is Kaworu’s Mona Lisa, if I do a little connection to the lyrics of ‘One last kiss’ by Hikaru Utada. Mona Lisa is made to be observed and to be admired, not to be with in any shape or form. 

Anyway, I hope that he is content and finally found his own happiness, the movie was amazing and the animation, plot and everything was spectacular, a good conclusion and an end to all of the Evangelion.

Did shed some tears, of both joy and sadness.

Goodbye all of Evangelion

#eva #evangelio #neon genesis manga #neon genesis fanart #neon genesis evangelion #kaworu #kaworu nagisa #nge shinji #nge #asuka #end of evangelion #evangelion movie #evangelion misato #evangelion anime #evangelion kaworu #evangelion spoilers #manga #anime #robots #ngekaji

[lydia-bell]

4200 words of headcanon for Strand and Charlie, because I am not a reasonable human being

Inspired by @coffeesuperhero's great post about Strand’s timeline and raising Charlie, I decided to post this. I wrote it as background for a huge AU I’ve been working on where The Black Tapes was cancelled after Season 2 because after Coralee’s return and Strand learning of all the ways he’d been manipulated, he decided he needed to concentrate on putting his life back together and just couldn’t do the show anymore. I have no idea if that story will ever see the light of day, but I’ve developed a LOT of headcanon in the process of kinda sorta writing it, so I might as well share some of it.  :)

Strand would have guessed that he'd feel relief when the podcast was over. And he did, in the sense that he would no longer be having details of his personal life put on the Internet for all to hear. He was dreading what would happen when this episode was done being edited and uploaded. He could imagine all of those paranormal charlatans getting a kick out of it; Richard Strand is so closed off to anything he doesn't understand, so arrogant to those who believe, that he drove his own wife away!

Fortunately, he'd had a great deal of practice not caring about what those people thought of him. Though he did cringe to imagine Tannis Braun making a great show of being caring and concerned. Oh, he would mean it in his way, but—well, that was his brand, wasn't it? People who are trying to sell something can easily cultivate an air of gentleness and empathy. After all, they never have to tell any hard truths.

But Tannis Braun didn't matter. None of them mattered. The only ones who mattered were Thomas Warren and the rest of his cult, who had sent him a spy as a wife and then taken her away. Who had been monitoring him his entire adult life, manipulating him into a marriage and jobs to do it.

He hadn’t intended to hurt Alex’s feelings, but yes, he was relieved to be finished with the podcast. But he had to admit that doing it had provided him with a certain structure, and, if he was very honest with himself, some forward momentum that he might have had trouble sustaining on his own. They’d learned more in the past two years than he had in the previous 15, and there was a reason for that.

He supposed he should have said something to her while she was here. Well. Perhaps they’d meet up for lunch sometime, as she’d mentioned. In his experience, these promises were typically hollow, but it was possible.

He took off his jacket and tie and cleared away their teacups. He considered having another cup but decided on a drink instead. After pouring himself a generous whiskey, he turned off the lights on the main floor and went down to the basement. He was going to have to provide all of the organization and momentum for his inquiries now, and he should get to it. And since Alex wasn't going to be coming by anymore, he had a few more items to put up on the wall.

Like the cases Coralee had brought to his attention after leading him to the Empress Hotel. The information on Thomas Warren's background, his family history tracing back to eastern Ohio. The history of the Howland family, also from eastern Ohio. The next thing he needed to do was talk to Cheryl, and he was grateful that he wouldn't have an audience for that. As it was, he was relying on Cheryl extending him some residual goodwill out of guilt for having once believed he might have killed Coralee, but that wouldn't last. He'd put out feelers with some of those genealogy services, inquiring into both sides of his own family and into Warren's, and the results were...well. He was glad he wouldn't have Alex jumping to conclusions about how just because their families founded towns 20 miles apart in the early 19th century, this must be the key to everything.

That willingness to follow what you claimed were meaningless coincidences is what got you here today, part of his brain argued, but he ignored it. He could be open to possibilities without being willing to accept anything and everything that seemed to offer an explanation.

He was also glad Alex wouldn't be around to air his eventual talk with Charlie.

He knew he needed to call her. But what could he say? "I didn't drive your mother away after all"? But in a real way, he had. "I'm sorry I wasted time with some stupid idea that I could find her with psychic abilities instead of doing something useful and taking care of you?" That might help. He had apologized, after he'd given up looking, after Charlie had left, but it was too late then; how could it matter now, 18 years later? But maybe. He could say it again, if she needed it. At least maybe she could understand a little better what had driven him.

He didn't know what time zone she was in right now, so no, he wouldn't call. Or text, even—he didn't want to wake her in the middle of the night; he didn't want to do anything to upset her at all. Email, then. She'd allowed June to give him the address and even answered as long as he didn't use it too often. He went back upstairs and opened up his laptop.

Charlie,

I didn't want to call or text because I don't know what time it is where you are, but I need to talk to you. I have news

.... what could he say? "I have news about your mother?" "about Coralee?" "Coralee's alive."

The podcast was going to air soon; there was no need to keep it a secret, even if his communications were being monitored (and Coralee was right, it was possible). The straightforward way, then. He deleted the last three words and went on:

I saw Coralee today.

She came to me. She said it was because I was in danger and she was trying to keep me safe. I don't know if you've ever listened to the Black Tapes, but this organization we've been investigating, this cult... she's part of it, or she was. She was part of it when she met me. Over time, she came to realize that they were doing things she couldn't support. So when we fought that day on the drive to Big Sur, when she walked off and we couldn't find each other, she took it as an opportunity to get away from them. To disappear. She thought she would be able to come back when she found the evidence she needed to stop them, but the more time passed, the harder it was to come back.

I know this all seems insane, and there's no particular reason you should believe me, except that you have to know I've never lied to you. Whatever my other failings as a parent were, I never lied to you, not once. And I'm not asking you for anything, but I thought you should know. She's alive, she left by her own choice, and she wanted to come back but she never felt that she could.

And she told me to tell you that she loved you. For what it's worth, I think that's true too.

Call me any time, if you'd like. I know this is a lot to take in. Believe me, I know. But at least we can stop wondering. That has to be worth something.

He struggled with signing it, as he always had. "Love," she didn't want. "Sincerely," though true, was something you'd say to a stranger. What was it that he really wanted to say to her? So many things, but this would do.

I hope you're well.

Take care,

Richard

He didn't give himself even a second to hesitate before hitting "Send" and pushing the laptop away. It was the right thing. Charlie deserved to know; she had every right to know. He was sure she'd have questions, and he doubted he'd have any satisfactory answers, but he was willing to try.

He refilled his whiskey. He wished he had someone to talk to about all this. He thought for a moment about calling Alex, but he'd been the one who ended that association. He'd just taken her show away from her. He could hardly expect to lean on her after that.

Maybe he just needed to take his mind off of everything for a while. He could watch a movie, read a book...nothing sounded satisfying, though. He thought about calling the Jacobsons, but no—they could find out from Charlie. He wasn't proud of himself--they were Coralee's parents, and they had a right to know their daughter was alive—but after all these years, when they'd never accepted him even before Coralee's disappearance, never treated him with more than a distant cordiality (and often with less), never considered him part of their family, he'd finally had enough. Their daughter was alive, they didn't need to look for her anymore, and with that, his last tie to them was gone. You'd have thought that finding her alive would make them more connected, not less, but missing her, wondering about her, had been the only thing they'd had in common. They still didn't have her, any of them. So there was nothing between them. They could find out from Charlie.

But that still left him with nothing to do. The research materials for his book were still stacked on his desk, but he could no more imagine going back to that book than he could becoming a monk. He needed to speak with Jenna about pushing the deadline back.

He also had to decide if he was going to stay in Seattle. The house still wasn't anywhere near ready to be sold, but given that he'd finished his lecturing position (it seemed only fair to the students, even if he'd never take a job there again now that he knew who was behind it) and ended the podcast, there didn't seem to be much reason to stay.

Except that it was still his father's house, and his father had worked at the university for two decades before he died, and he still had so many questions about his father's role in all of the cult nonsense that had taken over his life. He didn't like the coincidence of his family having connections to the Pacific Northwest and Alex happening, independently of that, to include him in her podcast, but as far as he could tell it had in fact been a coincidence. She'd explained how she'd ended up calling him, and they both agreed that they couldn't see any way for Warren or anyone else to have manipulated events toward that end. She and Nic had brainstormed professions one day, and Alex had been the one to bring up "ghost hunter" because she'd seen a show on TV a few nights before. And from there, it was logical that his name would come up, as he was roundly despised in the charlatan community.

No, it really had been a coincidence. He didn't actually like coincidences any more than anyone else; he was just able to accept, unlike most people, that in a world with so many possibilities, low-probability events will happen sometimes.

Of course, he'd thought meeting Coralee was a coincidence, or at least, happy chance. But he was damned if he was going to let this cult nonsense turn him into the kind of person who ascribed patterns and meanings and intent to everything he couldn't explain. That way lay madness and religion.

Still, if he meant to start his life over on his own terms, it might be best to leave this place he'd never really chosen. But not yet. There were more answers to be found here first. About his father, and about Thomas Warren.

____________________________________________________________

Charlie called him at 7 the next morning. She traveled a lot, so she always remembered to take time zones into account, but she clearly wasn't willing to wait one more second than necessary for her answers.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, It's Charlie."

There was a brief pause as neither one of them knew quite how to start before Charlie burst out, "Just.... what the hell?"

He sighed. "It's a lot to take in, I know."

"But she's really alive?"

"Yes."

"And she just...left?"

"It was more complicated than that, but, yes. Ultimately, she made the decision to remain missing."

"I don't... why? Why would she do that?" she sounded so young that he could almost imagine putting his arms around her and letting her cry into his shirt like she did when she was small. When he was still her dad. Before everything fell apart.

But he couldn't do that, so he gave her the only comfort he had to offer. He told her the truth, all of it, everything Coralee had told him, everything he had told Alex. When he finished, and she spoke again, it was with tears choking her voice. "So all of it, the marriage, her being my mom, it was all a lie."

"I don't know. I'm still trying to understand how much was the cult, and Coralee doing what she thought was her duty, and how much she genuinely felt." He almost said "I really do think she loved you" but stopped himself, because what kind of loving parent walks away from a child? But Marie had. She'd been ill, and she might well have made the right choice, but it was still a choice. And for that to have happened to Charlie not once, but twice, was so unfair that his chest burned with it. And if he was honest, it had really been three. He'd told himself that leaving had been Charlie's decision, and it had, but she'd been fifteen. He should have tried harder. He should have insisted. He should have shown her that she was wrong, that she did have a father. Instead, he'd proven her right.

"I don't know how much I really give a shit," Charlie said. She sounded drained.

"That's understandable," he agreed.

"So, what happens now? She left again? Is she coming back? Is she—are you still married?"

"Legally, yes, as far as I know we are. But I don't think she's coming back."

"Because she has to fight this cult. The one that thinks you have some kind of special gene that they need. Do I have it? I mean, whatever it is, are they going to be coming after me too? Or Aunt Cheryl?"

"Coralee didn't think so. She had some idea that it might be sex-linked in some way, but regardless, they don't seem to be after you."

"Great." She took a deep breath and sighed. "Well, I guess the good news is, this can't make the family reunions any more awkward."

He chuckled, despite everything. "How have you been?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"There's been a lot happening."

"Yeah, no shit. So is all this going to be on the podcast?"

"Yes. There's one more episode, and then it's done. I decided not to continue."

"Good. I hated that, having all those people in our business."

"I did, too. But without the podcast, I don't know if I ever would have heard from Coralee."

"I guess." She paused. "Look, I need to go. I've got a conference call in about five minutes. Maybe... I don't know. I'll try calling back later on, or emailing, or something."

"I understand," he said, because what else could he say?

____________________________________________________________

To his surprise—he hadn't let himself get his hopes up—she did email him a few days later. As with all of her emails to him, it bore no salutation. Perhaps she didn't know how to address him, or maybe it was just her style.

So I said I'd email, so here I am, but I'm not sure what else I really have to say. Thanks, I guess, for telling me personally. Finding out on Facebook or whatever would have been...well, I would have hated it. And I guess you're right, that knowing is better than not knowing.

If you're hoping that I'll stop being angry with you now that I know what really happened...I guess? It wasn't your fault, I get that. But I've been thinking about what might have been different if I had known then. And I think I still would have left. Because, I don't know, I didn't feel like we were really a family.

I don't have a lot of clear memories of back when it was just you and me. But when you met Coralee, I guess I expected us to be one of those happy TV families, you know? We'd play Monopoly and go to Disney World and whatever, I don't know. Go camping, make S'mores? Stuff families do together.

And you seemed so happy with her, but it felt like, once she was there, you kind of had permission to check out. To spend more time at work, less time talking with me or asking about what I was doing or playing silly games or any of it. You weren't bad, you made sure I had everything I needed and you met with my teachers and you did everything that was your duty, and I know that's more than a lot of people get. And I know it was hard to raise me on your own and maybe you'd just...had enough. But I felt more like your ward than your daughter. Like you loved me but in this abstract way, the way people love their country or something.

So I went to live with grandma and granddad, and at least they were happy to have me around, and having me around seemed to help them even though they were grieving too, you know? And I didn't feel that way with you. And after a while I just stayed. That was my home, I enrolled in school, and you hadn't exactly moved heaven and earth to get me back. I found out from Alex that granddad told you I'd asked to be emancipated. I didn't. I guess he figured he needed to keep me away from you because you were maybe a murderer (and definitely an atheist). But that was a shitty way to do it, and I've told him that.

Still...I listened to the last episode, and you told Alex that when Coralee disappeared, it threatened to take away everything that was good in your life. Like I didn't exist! Or just didn't really matter to your life, except that you'd gotten some woman pregnant and felt like you had to take responsibility for your mistake.

I don't know why I'm saying all this. I guess it's just that for all this time, I've let my anger over Coralee's disappearance be how I avoided thinking about the stuff I was unhappy about before then. And none of that's changed. But yeah, I can let go of being angry with you about what happened with her, about the fights and the days after she disappeared and all of that. I just don't know what that means about what comes next. If anything. I don't think you're a bad person. I really don't. I just wish things had been different when I was a kid. But I'm not 15 years old any more either, you know? So maybe I can work on it. Or we can go on the way we are. I'm fine. I'm happy. I have a good life.

Anyway. That's where I'm at. Just so you know, I'm going to be in Europe for most of the next three weeks, so there's an eight-hour time difference. Also it's a work trip, so I'm not sure how much time I'll have. I'm not bailing, just letting you know why I might not be all that communicative.

Charlie

He'd never thought that he could ever again cry as hard as he had when Coralee disappeared—or when she returned. He'd been wrong.

____________________________________________________________

Charlie,

I appreciate your honesty in your last email. I know it can't have been easy to write that. And I know that I have had my failings as a father. It's not an excuse, but I hope you'll allow me to explain some of why that is.

You mentioned that it must have been difficult raising you on my own. And it was, but not because I didn't love you. I just didn't know what I was doing, and I had very little guidance. My mother was dead, I still hated my father for not being there when she died, and certainly my friends had no more more idea than I had. Men weren't expected to be single parents then—I suppose it's unusual even now—so I never really felt comfortable with the mothers watching their children at the playground and that sort of thing. I didn't belong there. Marie's parents—well, let's just say they never softened toward you even after you were born. So it was just the two of us. And when all you needed were the basics of life, I could make that work. But as you got older and I realized I was going to have to not just keep you fed and dressed but navigate discipline, making friends, and basically raising a full-fledged human being, I didn't have confidence in my ability to do all that successfully. I loved my mother, and she was good to us, so I tried to follow her example. But so much of what she did was influenced by the times—and by my father, and he was someone I didn't want to emulate.

When I met Coralee, I was relieved because even though her own upbringing was obviously less than ideal, she was warm and patient and kind and seemed to know exactly the right thing to do or say when you had a problem. I think that even if I had felt less strongly about her, I might have considered marrying her just because you deserved to have a parent like that. And you adored her. It wasn't long before it felt like you were more her child than mine. She understood you better, she was more affectionate...and you were thriving. She was the one you turned to, more often than not, when you needed something or had something exciting to share.

When I write it out like that, it sounds as if I pulled away from you because I was jealous of your relationship with Coralee, but that wasn't it at all. I was thrilled for you. I think that I just didn't feel quite so necessary anymore. And nurturing isn't something that comes naturally to me. I took care of my mother when she was ill, and I always felt awkward and out of place and like I was doing something wrong. That ability to understand how someone is feeling, and to know what they need—I tried, I really did. And I tried with you too, but I got it wrong so often. So when you had a mother who could give you that, I reverted to doing the parts of parenting that I felt more capable of: I supported you, I helped you with school, I set rules. I though it was a partnership that worked. You seemed happy, in general.

I can't plead complete ignorance, though. I knew that you wanted more of my time (at least, until you didn't want any of it, which I thought was a normal teenage phase but perhaps not). I don't have a good excuse. I got caught up in my work. It was fascinating and I was committed to it, and in academia, devoting all your time to your work was how you showed you were committed to it. It still is. I'm sorry that I let my career get in the way of giving you what you needed. As I said, I don't have an excuse. It was wrong, and it wasn't fair to you.

I do want to clear one thing up. What I said to Alex about losing everything good in my life—I wasn't just talking about Coralee. I was talking about our family. I was afraid that without her, there would be no center. I didn't see how I could hold the two of us together. And part of it, yes, is that I felt I didn't really know you well enough anymore. I think to some extent that's a fairly common phenomenon among teenagers and parents, but certainly I contributed to it as well. It was never that you didn't matter to me, Charlie. That could never be true. I sit here trying to imagine it, and it's incomprehensible. You're my daughter. You will always matter. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to keep you with me after Coralee left. I told myself that I was doing what you wanted, that you were happier with your grandparents. I thought maybe it was just as well that I was alone, because I'd driven away the most important people in my life. But if I let you think that I didn't want you to stay, I can only apologize, because nothing could be further from the truth. No matter what Lawrence told me, I should have tried harder to show you that.

I hope you have a safe trip. Call or email me if you'd like, but if it doesn't work out, I'll understand.

Yours, Richard

And in this way, they took the first tentative steps toward having a relationship again. Nothing could change the past 20 years, but they didn't have to be bound by them for the next 20, and remembering that allowed them to move forward.

#tbtp #the black tapes podcast #fic #sort of #I just have a lot of thoughts about Strand's history OK?

[lettersofsky]

DistantPastZine - The Handmaid - Time is a River

Last piece I wrote for the @distantpastzine

Rating:Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning:No Archive Warnings Apply Fandom:Homestuck Character:The Handmaid (Homestuck) Language:English

Time is a winding river and your existence is bullshit. So you deal with it.

~

Time is a winding river.

It has many little offshoots and creeks that will eventually dry up and fade away into nothing, not even worth considering when the main body of the river continues to flow as it always does; ever onwards towards its predisposed destination.

You think that’s bullshit.

You let everyone around you know just how bullshit you think that is.

Which means you let the Cueball that is “raising” you know exactly what you think of his attitude and opinion towards time and the continuum of it all. He, of course, mocks you for your “childish” thoughts in comparison to his boundless knowledge but that doesn’t stop you from thinking that each and every time he stars spewing words about destiny and pre-decided upon paths that he’s just pulling a load of bullshit from the depths of his empty, white head.

You know time. You know it better than he does.

You know time. You have to know it to break it, shatter it, make it do what you want of it in ways no one else had ever thought possible. It’s what you do, it’s what you were created to do.

And that gall of him to think you’ll just lay down and fall into whatever set of decisions and paths he and his “Lord” want of you is beyond laughable, it’s disgusting.

So you ignore him. At basically every occasion.

And it annoys him to no end.

And they can’t kill you for it. Killing you would be a blessing, a relief, it’s what you want so they can’t threaten you with that when you misbehave and ignore orders and suggestions.

Which you do often by taking time into your own hands like you’re supposed to and instead of contributing to the main body of the river, you ignore the ever-flowing continuum for something infinitely more appealing and enjoyable to experience. Even if you can only experience it yourself from the side lines.

That’s enough for you.

Well it isn’t but there’s no point being upset or angry about it when you’re on your own. No, it’s best to direct those emotions to someone deserving of being on the receiving end of them instead of keeping them trapped inside your own head with no outlet to project them at.

Keeping anger to yourself is just stupid. Being angry on your own is just stupid.

You’re not stupid. You’re not doing that.

What you are doing, is watching one of the creeks you’d decided to intervene in.

You’ve set this one into motion and now you’re going to sit back and watch it play out.

The main body of the river did not have a very kind outcome for the trolls you’ve been observing on and off through its flow of time, which was both rude and awful so you were going to ignore it as long as you could. Which, considering that you could ignore the rules of time however you wished by breaking them in new ways and the fact that you had a limitless life span to figure out new and interesting ways to do so, was a very, very long time.

You had so much empty time to fill however you wanted to.

And what you wanted right now was to watch the lives of this band of outcasts and rebellion sowers go about their lives together now that Really Red Tiny One wasn’t going to be strung up and executed by some unhappy Religious Clown asshole.

Well, actually they’re being a bit boring right now what with their quadrant-blurring antics and the like, right now so you might just skip ahead into the future a bit to see if you can find a more interesting viewpoint and everything is on fire.

You promptly say ‘fuck that’ to that conclusion and tear yourself a way into a time somewhere between the disgustingly affectionate quadrant-blurring antics and the firey doom of something having gone wrong and find yourself somewhere much more interesting.

Your favourites have somehow gotten themselves to survive long enough to meet up with Winged Pretty Boy, and it looks like this time around he’s gotten himself a collar made out of clown teeth scars, which certainly is something you’ve never seen before. Probably because you tend to pass Winged Pretty Boy over for the more interesting figures that are Spider Pirate and… the other one… whatever he was, it’s unimportant. The point is that your favourites have met up with him and there looks to be an argument breaking out between then and Winged Pretty Boy and fuck yes. You have chosen a great place to pop back in on the timeline.

Sparky is shouting at Winged Pretty Boy, Winged Pretty Boy is shouting back, Really Red Tiny One is trying to calm them both down, Predator Big Cat is looking between the three of them like she’s as ready for a fight to break out as you are, though for different reasons of course, and Caregiver looks to be sporting the beginning of a headache.

You hope a fight does break out, that would be so much fun to watch.

It probably won’t because you’re sure that Sparky is more arguing with Winged Pretty Boy because Really Red Tiny One can’t quite look at the other mutant without his eyes stalling on the ring of hideous looking scars around his throat. Also you know for a fact that Sparky agrees somewhat with Winged Pretty Boy; shared experiences giving them similar mindsets and all but fuck.

You would really like to see a fight break out though. Just think of how dramatic that would be!

You’re starting to wish that you had something to munch on while you watch all this drama unfold before your eyes when your whole mood takes a urn for the worst as Cueball makes an appearance.

Asshole can’t even let you enjoy the unfolding drama the way you want to without coming in to check that you’re going to do what he wants, which is bullshit because neither you nor he would exist if you hadn’t done what he wanted at some point in your future so why can’t he just leave you be to experience the closest thing you have to an actual existence?

Fucking asshole Cueball. What does he want now?

“You can’t possibly be at this again, can you?”

Yes? So what if you are? It’s not as if any time you waste actually means anything does it? Not when you can just tear your way into whenever the hell you want to. Or does his limitless knowledge gloss over that little glaring detail?

“It’s foolish to see these timelines past where they diverge from the main timeline,” and he’s fucking ignoring you again. Even though you both know for a fact that he can hear every single, tiny thing you’ve ever thought to yourself. Asshole Cueball. “Even more so when you further them past the point where they should have collapsed in on themselves from their lacking relevance.”

Again… so what if you are? What’s he going to do about it? Is he going to kill you? Is he going to lock you in your room like a child refusing to do her chores before she goes out to play? Is he going to lock your powers away? Tell Big Bad Skull Man on you like a little snitch?

You’d like to see him try.

“I don’t need to do any of that. For you’ve already lost your interest in these pathetic lower life forms and whatever nonsense they get up to with their fleeting lives.”

… Fuck.

“The timeline is already starting to fall apart without your attention on it, isn’t it? It isn’t stable enough to support itself this far away from the main timeline.”

Fuck.

“Even if you wanted to put it back together and hold onto it longer, which we both know you don’t, you’ll just be acting as the voyeur once again. Always watching from the sideline, never able to interact in ways that would be anything that even ghosted as satisfactory, aren’t you?”

Maybe you like being the voyeur? Had he never thought of that? Fucking asshole Cueball coming in and ruining a whole timeline, a whole new scenario and situation with so many off-branching possibilities, for you.

“I believe we both know the answer there.”

… Fucker.

“I will see you after you sow the Seer’s death into the Clown’s primitive scripture, you have another assignment waiting for you afterwards.”

Of course you do, you have nothing but assignments, task after task after task with nothing in between and you’re alone again.

Fucking Cueball just leaving like that, fuck him.

And the timeline you were watching is gone too; collapsed in on itself before it got to the juicy part like they always do. Enough to catch your interest by never enough for you to really enjoy it like you want to.

This is also bullshit.

Your whole existence is bullshit.

…

You suppose you should get to work then, not like you have anything better to do then ensure the river of time flowed like it was supposed to.

#distantpastzine #The Handmaid #Handmaid #Homestuck #Fanfic

[ilovemydarkandstormyknight]

Sunflower

A special thanks to @lifein-confusion for beta reading for me! 

Ao3 link

At first, Logan hadn’t even noticed. In fact, if Roman hadn’t pointed it out to him, it would have taken him much longer to figure it out. That’s not to say he never would have- well, who was he kidding, he was so emotionally inept that he probably would never have figured it out.

 Logan walked into the kitchen, where Patton had just started pulling out for dinner that night. Logan was fantastic at baking, it really was just chemistry, it’s elements put together in just the right way to make something different. And although baking was his specialty, cooking was just never his thing. Whenever Logan tried to make anything, it exploded in his face. (figuratively… sometimes) So, he left the cooking to Patton, occasionally stepping in to help.

“Hello sunshine. Would you like some help?”

Patton looked up, tilting his head slightly, like a puppy. Adorable , Logan thought. Wait, what? Where did that come from?

“Oh! Hey Lo! Sure! Could ya help me make the potatoes?”

“Sure pat, what delicious concoction are we consuming this evening?”

“Steak and mashed potatoes. Nice alliteration there, teach!” Patton giggled.

“Nice word there, sunshine. Where-“

“I know big words!”

 Logan and Patton continued chatting while cooking, Patton still trying to teach Logan how to cook, even though he knew Logan was hopeless. Soon, Virgil slumped in.

“Hi kiddo!” Patton called, “Are you ready for movie night?”

 Virgil groaned, though Logan knew he was secretly pleased, Virgil had somewhat broke down when they had first invited him to join them. He had thought Logan, Roman, and Patton, were trying to… well, even Virgil didn’t exactly know what, but he was anxious about it for some reason, it’sdefinitely not that it’s quite literally his job to overthink things.

“...whatever” Virgil responded.

 When Roman finally joined them, setting aside whatever he was working on in his room, the group sat down for dinner. Roman, as always, gulped down his food like a excited child, he was always over eager to get straight to the movie marathon. Especially if it was Disney.

 That night, it happened to be Roman’s turn to chose the movies, so as soon as he was done gobbling down his food, Roman rushed to the TV, putting on Disney’s Hercules. With Roman’s urging, the other three finished up their dinners and slid onto the couch. Roman excitedly sat down in the middle, and started trying to convince Virgil to come cuddle with him, even though they both knew Roman would eventually end up with his boyfriend laying in his lap one way or the other.

 As always, Logan sat in the corner, Patton right up against him. Logan put his arm around Patton, pulling him closer, because, well… for some inexplicable reason

Patton being closer was all he wanted.

 When the the third movie was over, Patton got up, “Alright guys, I think it’s about time we get to bed.” Patton turned to Virgil, “Ya ready, kiddo?”

“Ughh, but it’s warm…” Virgil said from Romans arms.

Roman smiled softly at him, “It’s alright my dark prince, I shall join you soon.”

Virgil shot him a halfhearted glare, “Fine. But you better hurry up, princey.”

“Are you guys sure you’re okay with cleanup? Because I can-“

“Patton.” Logan cut him off, “You have been more than satisfactory, as you cooked dinner. And Roman and I are perfectly capable of a simple cleanup job. Go. Sleep.”

“Alright… if you’re sure…”

“Goodnight, sunshine.”

“Alright… night, Lo.”

“Sleep tight, Virgil, Patton.”

Right after Virgil and Patton left, Roman finally brought it up.

“So…” Roman said picking up the popcorn bowl from their shared couch, “When were you and padre gonna tell us?”

“Tell you about what?”

“You know… that you’re dating?”

After a beat of silence, Roman spoke again, “You two are dating, right?”

“Er- no Roman, I do not believe I know what you are talking about. What, er- may I ask, led you to this conclusion?”

“I thought it was rather obvious, you two are always giving each other pet names, and you’re both very… touchy. Besides, being the romance trait, I can just feel the love in the air.”

 Logan blinked, this was new information for him, he knew he was a bit more… ‘touchy’ as Roman had put it, with Patton, but he had always thought that it was just how Patton was. He was like that with everyone… right?

“Firstly Roman, as you well know, you can not feel romance, just as Virgil can not smell fear. It is impossible, even in a place such as the mindscape.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “I know lo, it’s an expression.”

“That is not- never mind. What- what did you mean by… pet names and ‘touchiness’? I do neither of those things.”

“Sure you do!” Roman scoffed, “Just now, you were cuddling with dad on the couch! it’s like every time you’re in a room together you’re calling each other things like ‘dear’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘love’, and of course, my personal favorite, ‘sunshine’. You’re always calling Patton ‘sunshine’. It’s disgustingly adorable.”

“Surely you’re dating… unless!?” Roman gasped dramatically, “do you- did you even notice that you’ve been sickly sweet with padre for years?”

“I- suppose not… goodnight Roman, it seems I have a lot to think about.”

“Alright, goodnight Lo. Try to figure this out.” Roman paused, “Wait! Lo, ya gotta help me clean up!” But at that point, Logan was already gone.

—-

 As soon as Logan got back to his room, he flopped down head first on the bed. It was a tad extravagant, especially for him, but he was feeling- he was feeling a bit dramatic.

He honestly couldn’t believe he had never noticed that he called Patton sunshine, but now that Logan thought about it, he did it a lot. He supposed… he had just gotten so used to it that he didn’t think too much about what he called his opposite.

 When he thought about it even more, he realized Patton always made him feel more… he was… happy when he was around his counterpart. Logan thought about how every time Patton smiled, his heart flipped, how whenever Patton laughed he felt like he was about to burst with joy, how whenever his sunshine was sad, Logan wanted to just wrap his arms around him and protect him with everything he had.

 And that’s when Logan realized, the nickname he seemed to have come up with for Patton, ‘sunshine’, was just… completely perfect. It honestly encompassed everything he felt for Patton in just one word.

 Shit.

  Clearly he had to figure out a plan.

 It was three hours later, and the best idea Logan had was to either tell Patton, which was clearly off the table for obvious reasons, or just… keep him at arms length for the rest of their existence, which honestly sounded infinitely worse.

 Well... it seemed Logan needed to sort through all of this, but in the meantime he would avoid Patton as much as possible, as all evidence was pointing towards Patton causing these feelings.

—-

 The next morning, Logan got up later than his normal time of 7:00, due to being up all night thinking. That day, it seemed he was awake by 9:37, a odd time for him indeed.

 As Logan got dressed, he thought about his plan Last night it had been very hard to concentrate on anything due to sleep deprivation, no matter how hard he tried. So, he wrote it and simplified it into easy steps:

Step 1: Wake up later, this will bring less             time  to potentially socialize with Patton.

Step 2: Neglect board game nights and movie  nights. When asked, tell them I have an  excess of work.

Step 3: Avoid brushing up against Patton as much  as possible. No touching, and no cuddling.

Step 4: Speak to Patton as little as possible. No  slip ups or calling him ‘sunshine’.

  There. An easy, comprehensive list of rules for Logan to follow. This should be easy, right?

 Logan had eventually come to the realization that though his function is Thomas’s logic, he is more than that. Logic is just a title, like a job, and just as a person who does their job isn’t only the that, Logan is more than his title. With this realization came his admittance that he did, in fact, have feelings. Of course, he was just so used to repressing his emotions, that it was very bad in the beginning. With the help of Patton, Logan was able to emote and experience his feelings much more. It truly was a radical improvement.

 That didn’t mean he understood any of them. Usually when he was feeling something abnormal, he would go to Patton for help, but it seemed he couldn’t do that in this specific situation.

 When Logan was dressed and prepared, he finally left his room and headed to the kitchen. When he got there, he was met with just what he was trying to avoid: Patton. He was standing at the sink and washing the dishes. He seemed to be humming some tune under his breath.

 Just as Logan was about to turn around and go back to his room, Patton glanced up, catching him before he could do anything. “Hey lo! Good morning!” Logan blushed, “good morning Patton, I-“

“Ya missed breakfast! Even Virgil was up before you, that’s weird…”

“A-Ah yes, I had some work to do last night, and ended up s-staying up later than intended. I apologize.” Logan adjusted his glasses nervously, silently hoping Deceit wouldn’t show up.

“It’s fine Lo! I saved some extra food for you anyways, and maybe we could watch a movie after I’m done cleaning up!”

 Logan thought for a moment, though he really did love spending time with Patton, he just couldn’t risk slipping up. “Well… I’m sorry Patton, I really do have a lot of work to do. I appreciate the food, thank you for thinking of me.”

Patton’s smile dropped, and it almost broke Logan’s resolve. Almost. “Oh… not even for big hero six?”

“I apologize.”

Patton plastered a smile on, “... it’s ok Logan. Another time?”

“I suppose. Thank you once again for the food, su- pat.” Logan corrected himself.

 The nickname seemed to make Patton’s smile just a little bit brighter… but that can’t be true. All he did was provide explanatory exposition and bring the mood down. Patton’s just being nice, as always. Right?

“No prob, bob!”

Logan hesitated before saying, “it’s… logan.”

Patton squealed, “you made a Steven universe reference! I knew you liked that show!”

“It is… an admirable series. Goodbye, Patton.”

Logan’s plan was a failure already. He really needed to do more to avoid Patton.

—-

 And that’s what Logan did for the next three and a half weeks. Anytime it wasn’t dinner, Logan avoided everyone, especially Patton. Before walking into a room, he would peek in and check for any movement or voices. If Logan heard anything, he would turn around and go back to his room. This method worked well when avoiding people and trying to work, but not so much for his health. There were days when Logan would go without any social interaction except at dinner, which he kept at a minimum.

 Logan knew he wasn’t doing too well, he didn’t sleep too much once he broke his sleep schedule, and most days he only had one meal because Patton was in the commons a surprising amount. But most of all, Logan missed the others, he missed Roman and his extravagant stories about princes and dragon witches that he used to secretly love, he missed sitting in silence with Virgil, quietly enjoying each other’s company.

 Although he missed his friends, he missed Patton more. He missed Patton’s exuberant smiles, how he listened intently when Logan was explaining something, simply because he loved learning. He missed Patton’s love of all things, no matter how small, (excluding spiders) he missed his pure outlook on things, his heart that was just a bit too big sometimes, and his loving, caring nature.  Patton had always been special to him, but in a different way than the others. It was day fifteen when he figured out how and why Patton was different.

 The realization only drove him further away.

—-

 It was day twenty five when the others confronted him about his absence around them. Logan felt the pull of Patton summoning him for dinner. It was 6:30, so this was not unusual.

When Logan rose up, he noticed was immediately being watched by all of his fellow sides, including deceit. Now that was abnormal.

“W- what is… what is happening? Why is deceit here? Did- did I do something to upset any of y-you?”

Patton softened, putting a hand on Logan’s shoulder. Logan shivered at the touch. “Oh, no Logan, honey. Deceit is hear as a… lie detector, of sorts. We’re worried about you, Lo.”

“Worried? W- why? I’m fine.”

“Lie,” deceit called.

Oh, so that was why he was here.

Virgil spoke up, “You’re clearly not fine, specs. Spill.”

“What Virgil means is that… well, pocket protector, frankly…” Roman said.

Patton interjected, “You’ve been avoiding us! Why? I thought we were working on emotions?” He cocked his head to the side.

“W- well…” logan glanced at deceit, “I… um. I was trying to just avoid you, pat. Th-the others just sort of... were an unintentional consequence…”

Logan, Patton, and Roman looked at deceit, he shrugged, “No lie there.”

Tears started streaming down Patton’s cheeks, “Logan…”

“I-I’m sorry.” Logan said, before sinking down to his room.

 He rose back up in his room, and the first thing he did was flop down on his bed. Logan knew he needed to talk to Patton, and he wanted to! He really did… he was just… nervous. Incredibly, insanely nervous. And finally, Logan let himself cry. It was soft, few tears were actually shed, and Logan still felt awful. The first thing that Patton had taught him about emotions, his emotions, was that if he wanted to get through anything, he would have to acknowledge and recognize them.

 So Logan followed Patton’s advise, he acknowledged that he was nervous, sad, and very scared. He was scared of what the others would say, would they hate him? (though Patton could never hate anyone. Not really.)

 Logan had never really ‘fit in’ with his fellow sides, he was too blunt, harsh, emotionless. Would they kick him out? No. Cognitive distortions. That’s what this was. He just wanted… he needed… he really needed a hug. A few more tears dripped down his face.

 A few minutes later, Logan heard shuffling outside his door. The shuffling stopped, before a few quiet knocks sounded, along with a soft voice calling “knock, knock?” Logan rolled his eyes affectionately, he’s such a dork, Logan thought. Patton’s voice was soft, almost uncertain. “He Lo, can we uh- talk? Can I come in?”

 Logan thought for a moment, he really did want a hug, and Patton would be sure to give him one, no matter how much he didn’t deserve it. Logan sighed, no use putting off the inevitable.

“Sure.”

 Patton opened the door, and as soon as he made eye contact Logan looked away. Patton came and sat on the opposite side of the bed as him. Logan shuddered.

“So… I guess I should start, huh?” Patton’s eyes were red, reminding Logan that he had caused him to cry earlier, which somehow made Logan feel worse. Logan nodded, not looking up.

“Did- did I do something? I’m sorry. I-I want to apologize for what I did, but- but I really can’t think of what I did to make you m- mad…”

 Logan looked up, shocked. He didn’t realize Patton thought he was mad at him, especially when all he’s ever done is be his amazingly kind, generous self. It was just such a Patton thing to do.

“Oh, sunshine… I’m certainly not… a- angry at you.” Ever, Logan thought.

“Th- then why have you been avoiding me?”

“I- feelings.”

“Oh, Lo… why didn’t you tell me?”

“This erm- concerned you.”

“Me?” Patton cocked his head in that frustratingly adorable way.

“I- can we… talk about this later? I… need a hug?” Logan asked timidly.

“Oh, Lo.” Patton grinned, “You know all you need to do was ask for a cuddle party! Should I get the others?”

Logan thought for a moment, “Yes please… I promise I’ll talk later, but… I just really need to be with you guys right now.”

Patton jumped up, “Okay! In here?” When Logan nodded, Patton smiled enthusiastically, “I’ll get em!”

Before Patton could get out of the room, Logan called out, “Patton!”

Patton turned and looked at Logan, “I’m- I apologize for avoiding you. I really do l-lo- lo- appreciate your presence.” Patton’s smile widened, “it’s okay Lo. I love you too.”

—-

 A few days later, Logan found himself thinking of Patton. He was so kind, letting Logan have space, even though he deserved an explanation. It was on this day that he finally decided to tell Patton about his feelings. He had integrated right back into the mind palace as if he had never left. It was nice… all the affection, even if he didn’t deserve all their love.

 Nonetheless, a plan had formed in his head, but it meant telling Roman he was right, which was always just so fun .

 Logan walked to romans door, tapping two sharp knocks on the door.

“Come in, Lo!”

 Logan opened the door to see Virgil and Roman cuddling on the couch. “Oh. Erm- am I disturbing something here?”

“Nah, you’re good,”  Virgil said, “We were just hangin’ out.”

“Do you need something, friend? Roman asked.

“Well… I uh- need to talk to you, Roman.”

“Do I need to leave?” Virgil said.

“No er-you’re good. I need to get this off my chest to both of you anyway.” Virgil nodded, tilting his head in indication for Logan to continue. “Well, I might have a crush on… a person. It’s why I shut myself off from you guys. I wanted to work through some things, but I did it in an unhealthy way. I cut you off, and I am truly sorry.”

“That’s very sweet Lo, but I have two questions,” only two? Logan thought. “One: Who the heckity heck do you have a crush on? Oh my goodness. Is it Patton?”

Logan blushed, “I’m gonna take that as a yes?” Logan nodded.

“You have a crush on Patton?” Virgil shrugged, “eh, makes sense. I always did call you the mom.”

“You did?”

Roman interjected, “were getting off topic! Question two: why did you come to me? Do you need advice from the one and only romance side? I say go for it. Patton won’t-“

“I’m not here for advise.”

“Good,” Virgil said, “‘Cuz Roman sucks at giving it.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know-“

“I need your help. I’d like to make a sunflower field at midday in the imagination.”

“Oh.” Roman said, “I can do that. But… why?”

“I- Well I’m gonna confess to Patton. He's my sunshine.”

Roman smiled, “Okay. When do you want it?”

“As soon as possible.”

“Alright. I can have it done in fifteen minutes. Go get him, Lo”

“Thank you so much Roman, Virgil. I’m sorry once again.”

Roman gestured wildly, “anything for true love!”

“Ignore him,” Virgil turned his body to Logan, “good luck Lo. But if you hurt him…” he trailed off.

“Do you really think I could so much as harm a hair on his body? He’s literally and metaphorically rather light of my life. I think I lo- love him.”

Virgil seemed satisfied with that. “This is gonna go great Lo. Good luck, have fun, and take dad’s emotions into consideration.”

 Logan nodded and sunk down to the commons to stress eat crofters.

 Thirty minutes later, when Logan had finally gathered up the courage to go knock on Patton’s door, he put away his jam and headed upstairs. He knocked on Patton’s door, waiting to hear a small “come in,” before stepping in.

“Good evening Patton. I was wondering if you might…” Logan stopped, Patton looked to be deep in thought and was currently staring at an old photo book.

“Oh… hey Lo. Do you… need anything?” Patton said, not looking up from his book.

“Er- well… that’s sort of the thing. I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to the imagination?”

Patton looked up, “Er- sure. Wh- why me?”

“Uh. I appreciate your company, of course.” Logan held out an arm, “shall we?”

Patton giggled, putting his book down and linking his arm with Logan’s, “Sure!”

As they were walking out of the room, Patton asked, “so… what do you have planned in the imagination?”

Logan looked down at Patton and winked, “I guess you will just have to see, will you not?” He smiled as Patton started giggling once again.

 When they arrived at romans room, Logan pushed the door open, heading straight to the nice looking cabinet that held the entrance to the imagination. Just like the in ‘the Lion, the Which, and the Wardrobe’.

“Shall we?” Logan asked as he beckoned Patton to come open the door. Patton opened the wardrobe to reveal a small wooden gazebo with a small bench in the center, surrounded by a field of sunflowers, all facing the midday sun.

 Patton gasped, Logan could see the stars in his eyes. “Logan… It’s gorgeous…”

Logan’s cheeks were a rosey shade of pink by now, “Yes… it really is, isn’t it? Roman did outdo himself.” Logan reached out and touched a sunflower, “utterly realistic as well, isn’t it?”

 Logan walked over to Patton and placed his hand on his opposite’s. “Come sit on this bench with me, will you?” Patton obliged, looking into Logan’s eyes, “is something wrong, Lo? It seems like somethin’s on your mind.”

“Well, actually… there is something…” Logan paused, waiting for Patton to signal he was listening. Patton nodded, so Logan continued, turning away to look at the flowers, “As you know, I have been struggling with feelings. Expressing and feeling my emotions has always been something I have repressed. I told myself it was for the greater good, that Thomas would be happier and more efficient without me butting in.”

“Sometimes, I still believe that, to an extent.” Logan faced Patton, “But… you have truly shown me true kindness understanding, and for that I am so very grateful. You have helped me learn, something I love, I’ve learned about sadness, anger, hope, joy, and… love.”

 Patton’s eyes were brimming with unshed tears, his mouth open in an ‘o’ shape. “Logan… I-

Logan cut him off, “There’s more.” He took Patton’s hands gently, slowly and gently enough that Patton could pull away if he wanted to. “Roman asked me a few weeks ago at movie night if we were dating. I told him no, of course,” Patton’s pace seemed to fall a bit, “So I asked him why he thought so. He said- well, he listed many examples, but the most prominent on that stood out to me was my calling you sunshine. Now-“

Logan took a deep breath, “I started avoiding you, and in turn, the others. I don’t know why, I suppose it was so that I could avoid emotions. I even made a list. How silly is that! Midway through though… I realized how perfectly the nickname fit. You are completely and totally my sunshine. You give out so much love and light… your smile is blindingly beautiful, you laugh is music to my ears. But the thing that made so much sense to me… is that… well, if you’re the sunshine, I am the sunflower. I will always, always look to you. You give me life. Because… well,” Logan looked down, “I love you.”

 After his confession, they both fell silent. Logan couldn’t bring himself to look up. What if- “Hey, Lo can you look at me?” Patton took his had and placed it gently under his chin, tilting Logan’s head up. Their eyes met. Patton had tears streaming down his face, “I- I have been wanting you to say that for years ! I love you too, Lo!”

“Really? You’re not just saying that, because if you are… if you are I don’t think I will be able to move on.”

Patton’s face fell, “Oh, baby… I would never do that to you. I promise.”

 Logan smiled shyly. Before he could even form a coherent sentence, Patton was surging forward, stopping right before his lips. “May I?” Logan simply nodded, and Patton was kissing him, and he was kissing back, and it was a swirl of emotions. Logan was ecstatic, it was truly the best moment of his existence, and he never wanted it to end.

 What Patton pulled away, Logan was left stunned. Patton grinned and touched their foreheads together, “we should get going, as romantic as this is. How did you come up with this anyway? It’s so unlike you.”

 Logan blinked, pulled from his trance, “Well, I guess you just bring that part of me out, sunshine.” He grinned.

#patton sanders #logicality #logan sanders #logan angst #sanders sides #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #prinxiety #requited love

[vickypoochoices]

Zig CC.

Her eyes widened as they fell onto a huge piece of card, large enough to keep the identity of her admirer a firm secret still. His hands and feet were the only visible body parts, and sadly for her, not much to go off.

Shaking off the frustration that had surfaced, she concentrated instead on the huge card he held in position, instantly softening upon reading the first set of words.

Let me say.

She mumbled the words out loud, prompting him to toss the card aside, revealing more words.

Without hope or agenda.

She managed a small smile, knowing word for word what would come next.

Just because it's Christmas.

Down went another card.

(And at Christmas you tell the truth.)

She took in a sharp breath, eagerly awaiting the next card, knowing it would undo her.

To me, you are perfect.

The tears slipped down her face silently, and she rushed forward, desperate for him to lower the final card.

He taunted her, deliberately taking his time, eliciting a small growl from her. By the way his shoulders were visibly shuddering she could tell he was suppressing his laughter, finding this all very amusing. Finally, the card dropped, only to find a Ryan Gosling mask slipped over his face.

She blinked rapidly, unable to process what she was seeing. One half of her wanted to reach out and shake him, ask him why he was deliberately trying to get a rise out of her. The other half of her was too preoccupied swooning to even care. It wasn't every day Ryan Gosling showed up on your doorstep, she was essentially living out one of her many dreams involving him, she should enjoy it for at least ten seconds right?

Putting a hand on either side of his chest for stability, she raised up on her tiptoes, licking her lips before placing a light kiss just below his ear. The cool air drifted over the tiny wet spot where her lips had been, a shudder passing through him. Her mouth lingered tantalizingly close, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“You are such a tease.”

His breathing hitched, head inclined, just barely, but enough to make her lips brush against his neck.

A satisfactory smile slipped onto her face, pleased with his reaction.

He shivered as her lips returned to his ear, murmuring softly.

“Time to stop playing games.”

Fingers curling around the mask, he paused, just for a second, silently composing himself. And then the mask slipped off.

Deep brown eyes stared longingly back at her. Zig's deep brown eyes.

Her lips faintly curved into a small smile, not wanting to give herself away so easily.

“Looks like I was right all along.” She found herself saying, matter of factly.

“Oh?” He queried, eyeing her speculatively.

"I championed you." She gave a half shrug.

"That's a good thing right?"

"I won't lie to you Ortega, it was more like the others had already been picked. Essentially you were what I was left with."

She felt Zig back away, just an inch, exhaling a long drawn out breath, digging his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

She gave a small chuckle, taking each of his hands in her own, squeezing them gently as she closed the space he'd put between them.

His head lowered, watching as her thumb slowly stroked a path across his knuckles.

"But it's always been you."

He kept his head dipped low, but his eyes locked with her own, his face twisted in a look of disbelief.

"It has?"

"I..." She stuttered, suddenly at a loss for words.

There were no doubts in her mind. She'd always been curious as to how things could have been, if they ever gave it a chance. She'd struggled for a long time, attempting to cast her feelings aside and deny they were still intact. And then the messages started, and she couldn't help but cling on to the tiny glimmer of hope that he still wanted to make things right. She just didn't know how to tell him all of that.

Gently disentangling interlocked fingers, he cupped her face with one hand, the other stroking a stray lock of hair back into place.

"We never did sort this mess out, we just ploughed forward and carried on as though nothing happened. I'm tired of feeling this way, I can't do this anymore."

She felt the tears immediately well up, threatening to fall imminently.

After all of this, he didn't want her?

Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as a stray tear trickled down her cheek.

Zig tenderly brushed it away, his thumb rough against her smooth skin.

"The fight was stupid. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad we made it back to friendship, but it's not enough for me. I never wanted that for us."

"What are you saying Zig?"

"I'm saying I'm over all the silly games, playing footsie under the table. I'm tired of hiding my feelings behind silly notes and texts when I could just tell you face to face. And I'm sick to death of pining for you. Do you know I wasn't joking when I said we never hang out? And do you realise how much that sucks when I want nothing more than to spend every single second with you?"

"Every second? Even the boring ones when I'm asleep? Or studying? Or peeing?" She joked, linking her hands together at the back of his neck.

Staring down at her intensely, he lowered his mouth, closing the space between them, lips hovering just above hers

"Every." He pressed his lips to hers once, in a swift kiss.

"Single." He swooped back in for another short lived kiss.

"Second." She hooked her legs around his middle as he lifted her up off the ground, lips crashing together. Her hands entangled in his hair roughly, and she found herself softly moaning into the kiss as his tongue deftly swirled around, tracing intricate patterns along the underside of her own.

Her legs released the tight grip they had of Zig, and she slowly slid down his body to the ground, breathless.

"I knew you know. I think I knew all along really." She smiled, tucking her hair back into place.

"Oh yeah? What gave me away?"

"Are you ready for this? I've never watched Disney films with anyone else other than you and Zack. Remember when you hummed that song for two days straight?"

"That's it? You came to a huge conclusion based on that?" He teased, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"And can we talk about how you put The Notebook on for me when I had the flu, and cuddled me just because I demanded it. And then you spent half the time grabbing me tissues and medicine every time I so much as sniffed." She grinned, fondly reminiscing out loud.

"Is that all you got?"

"Don't think I don't know that Mariah Carey song is your favourite Christmas song of all time! Did you really think I'd miss that when you constantly hum it daily from Halloween onwards?"

"But the note said 'Let's never mention it again'. So it couldn't have been me, I love the song apparently!'

"Oh please Zig, you aren't fooling anyone. How is it possible that you know exactly what that note said, if it wasn't you that wrote it?" She smirked, folding her arms in front of her chest.

The corners of his mouth pulled up into a broad smile, unable to contain himself any longer.

"Well if you can't say it at Christmas when can you? I'm actually your's."

Grabbing at his jacket, she pulled him a little closer. Her hands balled tightly up against his chest as she breathed in his scent.

"Stop quoting Love Actually now please." She chuckled, pressing her nose to his and giving him an affectionate Eskimo kiss.

"I'm done. Just one last thing." He tilted his head upwards, prompting her to follow his gaze, falling on a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the front door.

"It is tradition after all." He smirked, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"It would be rude not to then." She grinned back, looping her arms around his neck.

"I love you Zig." She had to tell him first, after everything he'd done for her.

His eyes glistened, as his grip around her waist tightened. Their faces slowly moved in unison, meeting in the middle with a slow, sensual kiss.

As they pulled apart, foreheads resting against each other he managed just four more words.

"I love you too."

[MASTERLIST.]

[alythekitten]

Magic Con: a little review

My post con blue is hitting me so bad this time and sooooo..! Time to write down about Magic Con.

I won't lie, this time my experience was bittersweet and I don't wanna fake it, now I'm gonna explain everything.

First the good stuff, because there were so many and good stuff are more important and valuable <3

Meeting you all again was amazing, all the friends I missed since a year, all the love, hugs and dances, it was truly blessing for me in this moment of my life <3

I missed you all, and partying with you, sharing the excitement and having some chatter with you was lovely :')

And a special thanks to who recognized me on the dance floor as Kili, asking me about last year and the cosplay contest, I felt a very proud Durin <3

Even breathing the atmosphere made me feel good, like I was back home.

I also unexpectedly met Maul Cosplay! Like I didn't realized I was in Germany and he is actually german xD I took a selfie and had a little conversation with him, he is the best, so charming and chatty also xD he told me he will come to Italy in the future and I really can't wait because he is an incredible cosplayer :D

Now the Hobbit actors: having back Deano after two years of absence was such a good joy, he was lovable and amazing, spicy (uhu the giraffe) and cute at the same time, his panels were just wonderful. And also having back Graham was lovely, with his grumpy face and his big heart he is special xD And Adam with his genuine humor, narrating us about his life, ah that guy deserves all the hugs in the world! And Jed, well Jed is Jed and we love him unconditionally because… he is Jed xD

And all the newcomers! Especially Louise Brealey stole my heart with her energy and cuteness, I had the possibility to talk to her a bit during the autographs session and she is the best! Adorable, I am super happy to actually had the possibility to discover her behind her BBC Sherlock character <3

And obviously Andrew Scott, god knows how much I love him, well probably you do as well, and you'll be glad to know that now I love him even more x'D Because he is so "true" and different from other actors I saw in person, or generally from the one I follow, he seems to be genuinely interested, humble and so damn shy (he is so cute for this I admit), I loved to see such a different approach to the audience, mesmerized me even more than expected. Plus I had the opportunity to ask him about Sea Wall and the answer I got was amazing and so interested, I really appreciated it; and again during the autograph session I gave him the drawing I made about Sea Wall, he looked so happy and also read all the dedication and added to the autograph a "Thanks X" shaked my hand and was truly lovely and charming :) One of the best experiences of my life and also -I can say- as an artist, because giving a "piece of you" to the someone who inspired that process is truly satisfactory, then discovering that he loves to paint and specifically "drawing people" as he said, well made me uncontrollably happy xD

Can I forget about Mark and Lori? How can I!? They were amazing as always, and Lori made my day when during the party told me "Nice beard! Don't shave it!!!" I got her autograph and we laughed together about a lot of things, she really rocks!

Now, and sorry in advance because it will take a while to explain, now the bad stuff about Magic Con.

In first place I am not a fool and I knew it would have been different from Hobbitcons, of course, different fandoms means different kind of people, but what I didn't expected was WHAT kind of people.

In first place the very first time I saw Ian Somerhalder walking in the corridors he was surrounded by four bodyguards and followed by a crowd of yelling monkeys-ops I mean "girls" (sorry not sorry) trying to touch him, literally, the poor guy was like "too close girls, too close", and I only shakes my head and thought what the fuck is wrong with people and where their education and manners went.

Then I can tell you a fun fact about him: I was in a corner waiting, alone and a little tired so I was in my "resting bitch face", then I saw someone waving at me, I turned and here he was: Ian telling me to "smile" while smiling me back, so I smiled and he went away still smiling. He for sure is a nice person and not only a good looking guy, I feel sorry for those who tried to harass him for getting attention when it took nothing (literally) to me to have an unexpected interaction with him, just saying: they are normal people, so treat them as such and you will collect a lot of good experiences.

Now speaking of harassment, comes the worst experience about Magic Con.

I was waiting in the crowd for Andrew's photo session, I was happy and smiling, nervous and excited, planning to ask him "are hugs ok?" or something like that, thinking about a nice pose for the photo. Then a member of the staff came out the room and yelled at us something in german, I asked him to repeat in english and he yelled in front of my face "DON'T TOUCH ANDREW SCOTT, JUST STAND ON HIS RIGHT!", it was like a punch in the face, to be honest, I felt like I did something wrong (of course I didn't), I felt horribly and nervous in a bad way, terrible, the closer I get to the room the worst I felt because I didn't know how to act in that situation. And wham: matter of few seconds, step, he said "hi" so nervously, I answered "hi" back nervous as well, with my arms down, faked a smile pretending to feel ok, then they yelled to me again, he said "bye" still nervous I answered "thanks", then I got my photo, still shaking for the embarrassment of the situation and… Puf, my experience was a mixture of anxiety, embarrassment and don't knowing how to act, still wondering why, what happened, asking myself "is him THAT shy?" and "something happened?" feeling guilty even if it wasn't my fault at all.

Then I got the answer, and I am not gonna tell who gave me the explanation because I trust that person without a shadow of doubt, and because this explanation seems enough plausible to me that I have no doubts in general, even if I am still telling myself "It can't be real", but still…

In few words, at the very beginning of the photo session someone during the photo touched his butt. And even if I can't believe it, this gave me another point of view about the situation, of course he was nervous, we still have to thank him for not canceling the photo session instead! I would had his same reaction so I understand, probably I would have punch the person in the face to be completely honest.

And now, now I am still pissed as fuck, I just want to say to that person a super sarcastic "THANK YOU": thank you because you ruined our experience, our little moment, not the photo in particular but the memory behind that piece of paper, you also ruined his experience in this kind or convention and with the fans; thank you for having no respect for us but especially for HIM, because this basically is harassing someone, knowing how shy he is this was the worst thing that could happen in that situation; and thanks for being such an uneducated, horrible, filthy human being. I truly hope that if all this story is real this person was kicked out from the convention and banned from the next ones.

And if I am not wrong kind of this happened also to Ian, I don't know what specifically, but he didn't even join the closing ceremony. And in the end, right during the closing ceremony, we had the confirmation from Andrew that his experience was not that ok, he lightly told us, not explicitly but if you had enough empathy for sure you get it in that moment, so I don't think we will see him again next year anyway.

And again because empathy is my weakness, I feel so sorry for him (and also for Ian), because that week end of the year means a lot to me, I really feel like I am in my family, and the actors always tell us "we feel home" "this is our family", that's why Hobbitcon was so important to me, and all the people that went to one of that con perfectly know what I mean… So knowing about those bad experience let me feel kind of "responsible", even if I am not.

In conclusion, after this "wall of text", if you are still here congrats: you survived my rant!

Sorry again, but I can't and I don't wanna fake it was all good to me, I wanted to be honest and I think that some people can relate to what I wrote.

This was still a good experience, so full of amazing moments I forgot to write like the party and the comedy hour, all the panels, the people, everything. But also is good to know also the negative things about a situation, for avoiding them in the future.

#magiccon #magic con #personal