#I just want to confirm though I am not seeking or wanting validation for my feelings or for any sympathy.

[givemeanaccountalready]

Points of Origin & Paths to Take (Part 1)

1

Milgram sure does love its pairs, and boy do I have some thoughts on the matter. Namely, what I think connects each pair of prisoners and predictions for their third trial videos (and Kotoko’s second trial song since Mikoto’s second video just dropped).

I am not the first person to say this and I won’t be the last, but I think I figured out how the prisoners are paired: it’s under the broadest definition of their underlying motives. And unsurprisingly, their motives seem to guide the path they take at Milgram. I was worried that Mikoto’s “Double” would throw me for a loop, but it’s confirming my feelings instead.

All of the motives seem to be driven by the absence of something in the prisoners’ lives that led up to them committing their respective murders. This is how I think the motives are paired:

Haruka and Yuno: the absence of love

Fuuta and Muu: the absence of connection

Shidou and Mahiru: the absence of knowledge

Kazui and Amane: the absence of authenticity

Mikoto and Kotoko: the absence of accountability

These definitions are a bit broad but I will explain in each section. For each pair, the motives start out along a central idea, and then branch out in different directions that foil each other in some way.

Haruka & Yuno: the Absence of Love

"If you forgive this sin, you're as good as an accomplice / I'm alone and lonely, please give me love"

"I feel emptiness inside me, we agreed to seek each other out / I wish I could do something about it, FUTURE!"

-"Undercover"

(I feel like I said a lot about Haruka already when I did my 'Haruka is Peter Pan but not the Disney one' comparison a while back.)

Haruka is the easier of the two to pin down for this motive. The line played over Haruka's introduction in "Undercover" says it outright. It is also clear during the first trial that he wants to someone to love and take care of him even though he sees himself as bad or useless. Haruka craves affection, and in turn, validation. Despite Es striking him, Haruka can’t stop smiling because Es has focused their attention on him and swore that they wouldn’t be scared off by what Haruka did. That they are going to focus on him until the very end. I think this is probably when Haruka decided that Es would serve as his new mother figure. Es has promised not to leave him; unlike his mother, who did leave him behind when Haruka became undesirable.

During the second interrogation, Haruka admits that he killed his victim to get his mother’s attention back to him, thinking that she’d love him again like she used to. Before this, Es had pointed out that there still are two trials left to go and asked why Haruka is acting like he has been fully absolved. Haruka is rather volatile during this part of the interrogation, and accuses Es of bullying him. He then goes on to revoke Es’s status as his mother and gives the title to Muu. Es, like most people in their shoes would be, is confused and asks what the fuck is Haruka going on about. Unbeknownst to Es, his promise to Haruka and his forgiveness from the first trial solidified them as Haruka’s new mother figure, and Haruka is now taking condemnation for what he did as Es behaving as his mother did. He is not doing this betrayal shit a second time. Muu and him became close during the inter-trial period, and since she still likes him even though he still perceives himself as a useless, good-for-nothing, she now gets the mother title. Now, I don't like Muu but for her sake, I really hope this doesn’t come back to bite her in the ass. Prisoners cannot fight while Es is awake, but Muu loses that protection once the second trial is finished and Es falls asleep again. I doubt she'd cut ties with him if he doesn't succeed in killing himself to avenge her Guilty verdict, but I could see her accidentally making a throwaway comment that could trigger his volatile side.

Yuno is a tad harder to pin down because heaven forbid our girlboss say it outright like Haruka, but I do think the absence of love in her life led to her choices both before and during Milgram. I don’t think she was abused or intentionally neglected like Haruka was (he is at least the latter), but I do think she was trying to find herself by becoming a sex worker. Let me explain, I don’t think Yuno loathes herself and did sex work to fill a void of some sort. I think she wanted to explore different facets of herself, enjoys sex and dating, and decided to make a little money off her unorthodox journey of self discovery. Yuno does not care what other people think, and she seems to be trying to find the version of herself that she likes best.

“Teardrop” emphasizes her not caring about external validation. Yuno does not shy away from what she did before coming away to Milgram and is angry when the audience tries to take her autonomy from her by saying she had no choice or was manipulated into it. Her actions were her choices that she made because she wanted to. She chose to put on a mask and be the girl each of her clients wanted, and she’ll spit in the faces of those who say her sense of self was so weak she was easily manipulated into. She's stated in both of her interrogations that she does not care if she is condemned for what she did, but she does care about losing her agency.

Yuno is perceptive and socially intelligent. While she may find wearing a mask for too long to be bothersome (like when she talks to Mikoto about letting his guard down and being less self-conscious or breaks the happy-go-lucky act in her first interrogation), she understands the reasoning behind them (she know why Kazui lies so much and that there are people like Kotoko who take their first impression of someone as infallibly right which could spell harm for her). She knows sex work, adultery, and the like are looked down on and that society tends to come down harder on those scandalous things compared to other acts, so her sex work is hidden. (I’m not sure if Yuuko Kashigawa is the alias she gave to just the doctor who performed her abortion or the name she used for when she was with clients).

So, what does this mean for Trial 3? We know that the prisoners’ next song depends on the previous trial’s verdict. Haruka went from Innocent to Guilty while Yuno received her second Innocent verdict. Neither are going to be pleased. Haruka will be angry because he’ll see it as another betrayal by Es, while Yuno, might still see the Innocent verdict as Es continuing to not take her seriously/not respecting that she is a person capable of making her own decisions.

If you compare their Trial 1 songs to their Trial 2 songs, both Haruka and Yuno become more explicit about what they’ve done. And the explicitness seems to be in response to how they interpreted their Innocent verdicts.

In “Weakness” we get to see teenage Haruka kill something offscreen with a rock. Young Haruka is horrified by the blood on his hands, but the blood is censored by crayon scribbles. The most violent thing we see is Haruka strangle his younger self, but we don’t see him finish the act. No bodies, human or animal, are in his first music video. He seems ashamed of what he’s done. The Innocent verdict seems to validate him (which he seems to take as love), and so jn “All-Knowing All Agony” he doesn’t hide what he’s done. We see him launch a chair through the fish tank and watch them flop on the ground. We see animals that he has presumably killed, ranging from butterflies to dogs. We see him stand up and beam while the things he’s killed litter the ground, and for a split second at the end, we see him strangle somebody. Our “love” gave him a kind of strength he didn’t have before and now he’s excitedly showing off what he’s done. He’s like a little kid showing off his new skill for the adults. I think in Trial 3, Haruka is going to take his Guilty verdict personally and I think he’s going to try and win back our “love” (pity) by showing how he got so screwed up he ended up killing someone. He equates pity with love and validation with acceptance and encouragement, so I don't think he'll close himself off from Es, and by extension, us, entirely. He killed to win back his mother’s love, you think he won’t show worse to win back ours?

As for Yuno, “Teardrop” is her middle finger to the “poor girl” assumptions people made. It’s as if she’s saying, “Oh, you love the ideal me so much, right? How about now? Do you still love me, or just your overrated, ideal me?” We see her accept money in return for her services and dressed in lingerie, we see her in several scenarios where it is implied that she either had or is about to have sex with a client, we see her show off those different facets of herself and stand proudly beside them. Unfortunately, at least with the Western audience, she’s been met with a resounding “Girlboss, slay queen” rather than the condemnation she wanted/expected for showing off her true self. She’s going to be even more pissed with us and she is more likely going to be even more direct so the other shoe can finally drop (get the rejection she expects to receive).

These are just my thoughts on these two and what I think is going to happen next. That’s a lot of spinning my wheels for just these two, so I’m going to be breaking this thing up into segments. Next up is Fuuta and Muu.

2 / 3 / 4 / 5

#milgram project #milgram analysis #milgram theory #haruka sakurai #sakurai haruka #yuno kashiki #kashiki yuno #long post

[whatacaitastrophe]

Kirnha x Gortash 2 - for edislendering

A one-shot I did for EdiSlendering (it won’t let me tag you!) <3 Thanks for requesting this! I had a great time writing it, and thank you for your donation to my Ko-fi!

Would you like me to write a BG3 one shot for you? Check out this post and send me a message <3

Song Inspiration: Red Light - The Strokes

Content Warning: Blood, Death

“Gortash,

I trust this letter finds you well, Chosen of Bane. It is not often that I pay any mind to the whispered gossip I hear in the halls of Bhaal’s temple, especially not gossip spread by acolytes whom I cannot even be bothered to remember their names. However, given the nature of the whispers that have reached my ears, it is my responsibility as the Chosen of Bhaal to inquire of their validity. 

While I generally prefer to work alone, if the rumors I’m hearing are indeed true, then you are already involved, which is why I am writing to you now. I believe it is possible we can help each other to achieve our greater ambitions for Faerun in service of our gods.

Come to The Temple of Bhaal in one week’s time to discuss. The password for entry is “Sceleritas.”

In Bhaal’s Name, 

Infamy, Chosen of Bhaal”

“Infamy, 

I’d heard rumblings of the Bhaalist movement resurging once again, but like you, deemed all to be rumors spread by wishful fanatics and bored citizens desperate for something interesting to occur in their daily lives. Pleased to officially make your acquaintance.

While I am interested in hearing more about the rumors you seek to validate and your proposal regarding them (presuming I am able to confirm such rumors as fact), I have little interest in traveling through the city sewers to get there. You are the one who requested this meeting, not I, so if it is an audience with me you seek, you will need to come to Wyrm’s Rock Fortress. 

I’ll let the guards know we are expecting you, and look forward to putting a face to the infamous name. 

Enver Gortash, Chosen of Bane.”

On principle, Infamy almost tossed Gortash’s response into the fire and abandoned his plans to form an alliance with Enver Gortash. The absolute audacity of the Chosen of Bane to not only deny Kirnha’s request for a meeting, but to make it clear that if Kirnha wanted to meet with him, he would have to go to Wyrm’s Rock? It was infuriating. Nobody told Kirnha “no,” and lived to tell about it. That Gortash was still breathing now was as much a testament to his position as Bane’s chosen as his position within the city council. Killing Enver Gortash, while an amusing thought, would be more trouble than it was worth. It would ultimately bring the Bhaalist movement back to the forefront of the citizen’s of Faerun, and the time had not yet come to reveal themselves to the world once again. No, as much as Kirnha hated to admit it, he needed Enver Gortash. 

Which was how Kirnha ended up sitting in the plush chair in Gortash’s office, impatiently waiting for the man to make an appearance. Kirnha knew he had no right to be annoyed that Gortash was not sitting in his office, waiting for Kirnha to call on him. Did that change the fact that Kirnha was annoyed all the same? 

No. No, it did not. 

When the door finally opened and Gortash entered the room, Kirnha did not stand. Gortash had not respected his time by keeping Kirnha waiting, so why should he show Bane’s chosen the respect of standing? It could certainly be called into question whether Kirnha had the right to also be annoyed Gortash kept him waiting, but he honestly did not care. The Chosen of Bane was already skating on precariously thin ice, and the two of them had yet to speak a word to each other. 

The dark haired man was…surprisingly attractive. Kirnha had seen illustrations of him on various pieces of propaganda, and in the Baldur’s Mouth Gazette, but he always assumed they were a caricature of the man who’d just entered the room. It appeared as though Gortash felt the same way about Kirnha, as the man did not bother to be subtle about the way his eyes scanned Kirnha from horns to boots, a smirk settling on his face as he strode towards the tiefling. 

“Ah, you must be Infamy. Apologies for keeping you waiting, I trust you were not here long?” Gortash extended his hand in greeting, and it was only then that Infamy bothered to stand. He was taller than Gortash; not by much, but enough that Kirnha was looking down at the dark haired man as he returned the handshake stiffly. 

“If you were truly sorry, you would have just been on time.” Kirnha mused with a smirk of his own, his tone laced with annoyance as he took his seat again. 

“Not one to mince words, I see. I like it,” Gortash walked around his desk to sit in the chair behind it, propping his feet up as he looked at Kirnha. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” 

Kirnha studied Gortash for a quiet moment before speaking. “My time is limited, so I will speak plainly. Is it true that Belynne Stelmane’s former associate known as The Emperor is Balduran himself?”

If Gortash is surprised by the information Kirnha presented him with, the man does not show it. He simply raises an eyebrow. “My, my, your little followers do know how to pick up a scent, don’t they?” 

That was all the confirmation Kirnha needed to know he was correct. “Is it also true that The Emperor is currently missing, because you trapped him in an icosahedron and then proceeded to lose said artifact?”

Silence. Even in silence, Gortash said everything. In a position such as Gortash’s it would be in the adviser’s best interest to deny Kirnha’s claims outright if they were untrue. As frustrating as Gortash was, Kirnha could respect that the man was choosing to remain silent so he could have plausible deniability, if he did not like Kirnha’s proposal. Instead of acknowledging the question, Gortash replied, “I thought you were going to speak plainly, Bhaalspawn?” 

“Fair enough. What would you say if I knew of a way to elevate us both to positions of power within the city by way of controlling the Elder Brain?”

Gortash studied Kanha’s face, as though he were looking for any trace of deception and Kirnha held his stare, daring the man to contradict him. They sat there in silence, staring at each other– it was a game, who was going to speak first. Kanha knew it was not going to be him, and if it came down to it, he would leave before doing so. 

Minutes went by, and finally, Gortash spoke. “I would say you have my attention.” 

Kirnha smirked and leaned forward in his seat. “How familiar are you with The Crown of Karsus?” 

“Familiar enough to know that it’s missing, so if this plan of yours involves it, then you are officially wasting my time.” Gortash leveled a glare at Kirnha. 

“It is not missing. I know where it is.” Kirnha confirmed. 

“Where is it?” Gortash asked, sitting up in his chair, perhaps a little too eagerly for the persona he’d been playing with Kirnha so far.

“That is for me alone to know, unless you agree to help me retrieve it, and use its power together.” 

“How do I know you’re not lying to me, making a grab for the power and influence in this city I already hold?” Gortash bristled, disappointed that Kirnha hadn’t given up the crown’s location immediately. 

“If I were lying to you then coming here would have been a complete waste of my time, and I do not engage in activities that waste my time,”  Kirnha leaned back. “Are you willing to work with me or not?”

Gortash’s face contorted into something that could only be described as a pout, even if that wasn’t really the right word for it. “Fine. What’s your plan, Infamy?”

Kirnha’s lips formed a thin line, and people who knew him would see the look and claim it was the closest the tiefling ever came to smiling. “Have you ever been to Hell?”

~*~

“If anyone ever asks, you were never here.” The diabolist, Helsik, said to Gortash and Kirnha for what feels like the hundredth time in the last fortnight as they ascended the stairs to her office, and Kirnha didn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“I’m not sure why you feel the need to repeat yourself– you made it perfectly clear upon agreeing to help us in the first place. Your terms are understood.” Kirnha glowered at Helsik, and the woman visibly flinched. 

“Just being cautious, as are you, I’m sure.” She raised her hands in defeat, sensing the tiefling’s annoyance. 

“Now, now, Infamy, play nicely. Helsik is taking a great risk by giving us access to the Hells. The least you can do is be polite.”

Kirnha’s gaze shot to Gortash, and the glare on his face remained. “Oh yes, a terribly great risk, for an obscene amount of coin.” Though he and Gortash could easily afford Helsik’s outrageous fee, that didn’t mean Kirnha had to be happy about paying it; or that he had to be nice to the woman just because she willingly took their gold. If Kirnha had his way, the woman would be dead the moment the portal was opened, but Gortash managed to convince her that keeping her alive could end up being useful, if they needed to return to the hells for any reason. 

In the short time the two of them had been working together, Enver Gortash’s mind was something that Kirnha had come to both hate and love about the man standing next to him. Gortash was smart, possibly too smart and certainly smarter than Kirnha, and every time Gortash made a suggestion or pointed something out that Kirnha had overlooked, the tiefling found himself equally as ready to murder Enver Gortash as he was ready to push all of the stupid trinkets and baubles off of the man’s desk and fuck him right there. It was maddening and, at this point, Kirnha was not sure which of those two things he would do first.

Kirnha and Gortash stood back as they watched Helsik paint the pentagram on the floor in blood, unbothered by where the blood came from. Kirnha paid especially close attention to the ritual as Helsik performed it, just in case there ever came a time he needed to return to hell– after all, it was better to be safe, than sorry. Soon, the blood on the floor was ablaze with fire that gave off an enormous amount of heat, but did not burn as Kirnha and Gortash stepped into the circle. Gortash looked back at Helsik and nodded his head in thanks. “We were never here.” he teased before looking over to Kirnha and shooting him a wink. A wink. The absolute audacity of Bane’s chosen to flirt with him! Kirnha hated how much he loved it, and the way his heart softly stuttered in his chest at the sight. 

Kirnha had no other choice: He was going to have to kill Enver Gortash. 

Maybe Mephistopheles would make it easy, and Gortash’s death could seem like it was an accident. Or maybe Mephistopheles would kill Gortash outright. After all, Kirnha was a Mephistopheles tiefling– the likelihood of being harmed in Cania was incredibly low. Kirnha stepped through the portal in the floor first with his eyes closed to combat the dizziness that often came with traveling via a portal such as this one. 

The smell of sulfur hit him first, and it was like being welcomed home. Kirnha was living among the tieflings of Elturel when they were dragged to the hells, and he’d also been one of the few who chose to stay once everything was set right again. He liked it here– Cania was a place where nobody cared whether you were a good person or not, and Kirnha had used that knowledge to appease Bhaal every chance he could. As it turned out, devils bled just like everyone else. 

“Well, at least Mephistopheles has taste.” Gortash mused after joining Kirnha on the other side of the portal. Helsik’s portal had dropped the two of them just outside Mephistopheles’ castle in Cania, and Kirnha nodded in agreement. He’d been here before– being Bhaal’s chosen on top of being a descendent of the archdevil himself afforded Kirnha many liberties during his time residing in Cania, such as being invited to parties and dinners, giving him ample opportunity to explore the castle and its grounds. Admittedly, Kirnha hated the dinners and parties, but he went because Sceleritas told him that Bhaal demanded it– that having a devil such as Mephistopheles in their corner would benefit Bhaal’s cause in the long run. 

Kirnha was not entirely sure that this was what Bhaal or Sceleritas had in mind when they shared that piece of information with Kirnha. If anything, what he and Gortash were here to do would do nothing other than turn Mephistopheles against them. This was why it was entirely necessary that they do not get caught. 

“You’re certain you know where he’s keeping The Crown of Karsus?” Gortash asked. 

Kirnha smirked at Bane’s chosen as they began walking towards the castle. Much like Helsik’s repetitive statement of anonymity, Gortash had taken to repeating himself, and it was becoming tiresome. “Not nervous, are you, Gortash? I thought you had more mettle than this.” Kirnha mused.

“I wouldn’t call it a lack of mettle so much as I would call it a healthy amount of skepticism.” Gortash bristled.

“If you’re still skeptical, there’s time to turn around. Now that we’re here, I’m sure I can find a way to do this on my own.” Kirnha dared, glaring at Gortash as they entered the castle’s courtyard. 

Kirnha was bluffing, because the fact of the matter was that whether Kirnha liked it or not, he needed Gortash for this to succeed. The crown was an incredibly powerful magical artifact, and it would take the both of them to control it and make it out of Cania alive.

If Gortash caught his bluff, the man said nothing. He only rolled his eyes as they passed through the courtyard and entered the main hall of the castle. Most people would not have simply walked in the front door, but the lords and ladies of the hells, and the souls who served Mephistopheles knew him; they knew he had enough pull with their master not to question his sudden appearance, and they said nothing. 

“I have need to visit the archives.” Kirnha said to one of the souls standing guard by the far entrance. The guard visibly trembled. 

“Sir, Mephistopheles is not currently home, and we are forbidden to escort anyone to the archives without him present.”

That was what Kirnha needed to hear: The Crown was in Mephistopheles’ archives– a place where all of the information and artifacts the archdevil had collected over the centuries was stored. It was not normally off limits to visitors who held favor. That they were being barred from entering now told Kirnha everything about The Crown’s location.

He shot the guard a menacing look. “Do you know you I am, you pathetic worm? I am Infamy, chosen of Bhaal and descended from Mephistopheles himself. I am permitted to access the archives without his majesty, and you will grant me access. So long as you do, Mephistopheles shall not hear of your disrespect.”

There was a beat of silence as the guard considered his options: continue to deny Kirnha entry and die, or grant Kirnha entry and risk death in the event that Kirnha was lying. 

As it turned out, the guard valued his wretched life, and he decided to take the risk of granting Kirnha the access he desired. The guard nodded. “Of course, sir. Right this way.” 

Gortash shot Kirnha a silent look of approval as they followed the guard through the hallways, until they were right outside of the archive doors. “This is as far as I can taken you– I am not allowed in.” The guard trembled again and Kirna waved his hand at the man.

“That is fine. We can take it from here. Just unlock the door.” 

The guard did as instructed and as soon as the doors were open, the guard fled. “Impressive,” Gortash stated as they entered the archives, and Kirnha simply shrugged. “I was prepared to have to fight our way in here, but they quite literally handed you the key.” 

“There’s still time for fighting. Just because they gave me the keys doesn’t mean we’ll get out of here without a fight. It’s not like we’re here for any old magical bauble.”

Yes, there was a very good chance that once Kirnha and Gortash found The Crown of Karsus within the deep archives of Mephistopheles’ castle that taking it from its confinements would trigger an alarm. The fact that it was being kept here, and not in a deeper vault, made Kirnha sure of that. It was almost as though Mephistopheles thought nobody was stupid enough to try and steal The Crown of Karsus from him, or that the archdevil had no idea anyone knew it was here.

For that, Kirnha could thank Cazador Szarr. The vampire lord of Baldur’s Gate had his own dealings with Mephistopheles that gave him an intimate knowledge of this place, and as it turned out, staying on Bhaal’s good side was of great interest to Cazador. Prying the information from him about Mephestopheles’ ownership of the crown had been all too easy. 

Kirnha closed the door behind them and took a few more steps into the deep room of the archives. He reached into his bag and pulled out a scroll of Detect Magic. The scroll would only help so much, as there were many magical items in the archives, Kirnha was sure, but at least it would point them in the right direction. 

What he had not planned on was the pull from the crown being so strong that it overpowered literally everything else. The pulsing magic from the detection spell was so bright and so strong from one specific direction that there was no way it wasn’t coming from The Crown. Kirnha looked at Gortash with a smug grin. “I told you I knew where it was.” 

As they rounded the next corner, the sound of the door to the archives opening once again filled the halls, followed by a pair of hurried footsteps. Kirnha quickly waved the spell away, swearing and swearing under his breath. He’d only brought one scroll of Detect Magic– it should have been all he needed.  

“Quickly, follow my lead.” Gortash whispered hurriedly, and before Kirnha could protest, the chosen of Bane was gripping the collar of his shirt and pushing Kirnha against the nearest wall. Every instinct of Kirnha’s was screaming at him to fight back, that Gortash was about to betray him. 

“What the fuck are you–” Kirnha started to argue as he reached for the dagger at his belt, but he was cut off by the feeling of Enver Gortash’s mouth pressing against his own in a searing kiss. Kirnha instantly stopped struggling against Gortash and melted into the kiss as his brain registered what Gortash was doing, even if it wasn't what Kirnha would have done. Kirnha reached up to grip Gortash’s collar and forcefully moved their bodies so Gortash was the one pinned to the wall, his tongue invading Gortash’s mouth easily. The moan that left Enver Gortash’s mouth sent all of the blood in Kirnha’s body rushing south, and part of him hated it. This was not part of the plan. 

Just as Gortash’s hands released Kirnha’s shirt and found purchase on the tiefling’s backside, there was a squawk of surprise as the footsteps stopped. Kirnha broke away from the kiss and glared at their visitor. It was the same guard as before, and he looked terrified. “S-so-so sorry, gentlemen, but I-I was instructed to-to–”

Kirnha pushed himself away from Gortash and stormed over to the guard, drawing his daggers. “Your intentions no longer matter, as they are your end regardless.” 

Without another word, Kirnha’s hands moved quickly and quietly. There was only one sharp cry of pain before the guard was on the floor, throat slit, his blood spilling across the dark tile floors like beautiful rubies. Kirnha smiled evilly, and a feeling of pleasure rushed through his body. Bhaal was pleased. Kirnha was pleased. He wiped the daggers on the dead guard’s body and stowed them away again before turning to Gortash.

“We likely have about ten minutes before anybody realizes that he hasn’t come back. It’s time to move. Quickly.” Gortash nodded and fell into step beside Kirnha as they power-walked down the hallway towards the source of the magic that the detection scroll found before it was wiped out. 

“You’re a marvelous kisser, by the way.” Gortash flirted, and Kirnha rolled his eyes. Now wasn’t the time for flirting and compliments, even if his body wanted to forget about The Crown of Karsus altogether and just fuck Enver Gortash up against the wall. 

“Not now,” Kirnha snapped, both at Gortash and himself for thinking such thoughts. “We can discuss that once we get out of here.” 

Gortash didn’t flinch at Kirnha’s tone. In fact, he smirked. “Glad you agree there’s something to discuss– I’ve been thinking about that since you walked into my office a fortnight ago.” 

Kirnha made a noise of annoyance. “What part of ‘we can discuss this once we get out of here’ did you not understand?” Annoyed as he was, knowing Gortash had been attracted to him from the beginning certainly inflated Kirnha’s ego a bit as they walked. 

The Crown was at the very end of a long hallway in a glass case. From afar, Kirnha could not see any signs of anything special guarding the case. Kirnha anticipated there being some sort of exploding trap spell on the case itself, but that there was nothing else guarding it felt suspicious. 

Maybe Mephistopheles truly did believe The Crown was safe simply by being in his possession. 

That would be the archdevil’s downfall. 

“That case is trapped.” Gortash confirmed as they approached, and Kirnha nodded. He could feel the magic crackling off of it, and he gestured to Gortash. 

“You can do the honors.” Kirnha ordered as though disarming the case was a privilege, and not something he needed Gortash to do because Kirnha was less likely to be able to disarm it in one try. 

“Gladly. Watch and learn, Bhaalspawn.” Gortash’s devilish grin made Kirnha’s heart stutter again, and he huffed impatiently. Fate was a cruel mistress for deciding to make Kirnha attracted to this man– everything was easier without emotions. Ruling, fighting, killing, fucking…all of it, and the more time he spent in Enver Gortash’s presence, the less Kirnha found himself wanting to fight or kill the man. Ruling alongside and fucking him though…yes, that was starting to interest Kirnha. 

Gortash’s hands were quick, something Kirnha took note of for later, and soon the trap was disarmed and the case was unlocked. “As soon as we pick it up, the alarms will probably sound.” Kirnha said sternly. “Are you ready?”

Gortash laughed. “But of course– I even brought a little piece of insurance, should anything go wrong. Then, from inside of his robes, Gortash pulled out another scroll– a Dimension Door. That would get them as far as they could see, so as long as their portal back to The Devil’s Fee was in sight, they could get out. In a moment of passion, Kirnha leaned in and kissed Gortash fiercely. It was brilliant. He was brilliant, and Kirnha both loved and hated it. 

“Let’s do this. For the Absolute?” Gortash asked slyly.

Kirnha nodded. “For the Absolute.”  

The moment the crown was in Kirnha’s hands, he could feel the power radiating off of it. This was the power that almost killed Mystra. This was the power they needed to control the Elder Brain. Now it was theirs, and as soon as they made it out of Cania, it would be theirs to wield. Theirs– his and Gortash’s. Together. An idea that was growing on Kirnha by the minute. 

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #the dark urge #durgetash #bg3 durge #gortash #enver gortash #durge #writing commissions #writing comms open

[k-rising]

Ningning's birth chart analysis

DISCLAIMER: This is just a part of the analysis of the idol’s natal chart, which wants to show a deeper perspective on the idols life. This analysis is carried out thanks to the data that appears in the birth chart. These are my interpretations of the signs and how they work based on my experiences with them. Everyone has different opinions and all interpretation and experiences within is valid. The point of this post is to entertain. [This idol hasn’t confirmed her birth time, so I used the standard 12pm time to calculate her natal chart].

!!: since we don't know ningning's birth time, we have no idea if she's a scorpio or libra sun. when this happens, we should analyse her sun with the traits of both signs.

ningning's a charming woman who has an eye for beauty. having both her mercury and mars in libra means that she's indecisive and works better in company. even though she doesn't like when conflicts arise, cause she feels comfortable being a mediator, this woman can have a passive-aggressive behavior when she's annoyed. ninging doesn't like to give a "no" for an answer and she doesn't want to receive a "no" for an answer either, that's why sometimes she can be quite manipulative in order to get what she wants. this girl seeks for mental connection in her relationships as well as reciprocal love. she always tries to prioritize her loved ones desires and all of these placements can also indicate that she's a great at giving advices!

this woman is open-minded, original, creative and unique without even trying! ningning expresses herself in a very inspiring way, she tries to make ties with people from all walks of life and values when people are honest. ningning's a rebel who doesn't care about what others think about her beliefs and thoughts with her sun and mercury making a trine with uranus.

having her moon in taurus and having almost a stellium in libra makes her a hopeless romantic; this girl is in love with romance! this combination also makes her a very artistic person. plus, I read that her hobby is cooking, am I right? that's so taurus of her lol. she also has mercury trine neptune in her chart, which indicates that she possesses a lovely voice. ningning can be an amazing songwriter as well! she's just very talented, what else can I say? haha.

when it comes to her job, she's very responsible. however, this girl can be quite impulsive and might forget to think twice before doing or saying something...

as I said earlier, this girl has taurus as her moon sign, which indicates that, in order to feel safe and comfortable with someone, she needs people to demonstrate her loyalty and kindness; having good manners is key here. this placement makes ningning a very stubborn and quite materialistic person. she probably likes luxurious things and she may enjoy spending time with her closest friends.

when things don't meet her expectations, she may swing from periods of excess optimism to disappointment with her moon square jupiter. ningning's emotions can cloud her perspective sometimes, which can make her take decisions based on how she's feeling at that specific moment. and, as I said before, since she doesn't like to confront, she may think 'everything will work out in the end'.

when it comes to relationships, this woman seeks intense and passionate connections. ningning doesn't like superficial relationships, tho... this girl wants relationships that can transforms her and make her become a better person. but it's not all rosy having a scorpio venus, cause she's cautious af. she likes putting her relationships to the test and it can take a while for her to show her most vulnerable side. ningning wants to know every single detail about the people she loves. however, sometimes she can be jealous and a little bit possessive.

now... there's a lot of contraditions here about what she wants and what she needs. cause one day this girl craves for intimacy and the next day she wants her freedom back 🧍‍♀️ also... unfortunately, I think that she hasn't had good experiences with people, cause there's a lot of aspects in her chart that may indicate that :(

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾　𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔! 　☽༓･˚⁺‧͙

#ningning #aespa #ning yizhuo #ningning astrology #aespa astrology #ning yizhuo astrology

[acourtofthought]

Just adding a disclaimer here since I recently got a harassing anon claiming I think I'm an expert on Az:

***I am not an expert on Azriel. This is simply my interpretation of the text and his character of which there can be many. Until SJM confirms or disproves things in her next book, my interpretation will only be as valid or as wrong as anyone else's. These are only my thoughts and opinions. If you are bothered with Anti E/riel posts than I encourage you to look away and seek out blogs that are more in line with your own thoughts***

WHY DOES AZ WANT ELAIN TO BE HIS MATE?

Because "the Cauldron chose three sisters."

Because "my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another "

Because "Lucien will never be good enough for her" (this is not fact but merely a comment born from Azriel's own insecurities. Lucien is a favorite of the authors, a character who has been around since book 1, and a character she's setting up to be a High Lord so he's obviously "good enough").

Because "she has no interest in him anyway"

Because she gave him a gift last Solstice but didn't get her mate one.

Because of the envy in his chest

Because Elain knows why he doesn't come to family dinners or why he didn't go near the fire.

In my opinion, those don't seem like valid enough reasons to want a mating bond with someone because those things don't speak of Elain as an individual outside of Az.

SJM is a romance author and if she wants readers to believe a male is in love with a female, she's not going have us fill in the blanks as to why he loves her.

Some claim Az wants to be Elain's mate because he truly loves her but nothing Az has said or thought has managed to convince me that's the case. He might love the idea of having a mate and being worthy of a bond, he might love the idea of being someone's protector, he might love the idea of three brothers and three sisters because of the convenience but what does any of that have to do with the person Elain is?

Feyre and Nesta could have had another attractive third sister named (XYZ) and those particular statements would still hold true.

If Elain had interest in Lucien then would Az feel the same? Or is it only because Elain doesn't seem interested that he latched on to the idea of the third sister being available so he could be part of the three bothers / three sisters club?

If she hadn't gotten him a gift last year, would he have become fixated on her?

He would have still felt envious of Rhys and Cassian even if Feyre and Nesta had no third sister.

Elain knowing why he hasn't been to family dinners is once again making it all about Az and he doesn't give her credit for how she knows. He could have said, "Elain was always so observant / perceptive and it was something that impressed him" (something Cassian actually acknowledges about Elain) but we don't get that even though he's got no issues thinking on Gwyns charming irreverence later in the series. That she's come a long way since Sangravah. That she gives a beautiful, precise blow with her sword. Why are his thoughts of Gwyn as an individual more poetic than those he has of Elain as an individual (outside of her physical appearance)? The thought of Gwyn's happiness sparks something in his chest but does he ever think of Elain's happiness?

What about Elain outside of Az does Az like? You should like someone for who they are and not only what you think they do for you.

Even as early as book 1, we get the sense that Rhys is impressed with Feyre outside of what Feyre has done for him:

A deep, elegant voice replied this time. “She’s building a trap.” Rhysand. “But the Middengard—” “Relies on its scent to see,” Rhysand answered, and I gave a special glower for him as I glanced at the rim of the trench and found him smiling at me. “And Feyre just became invisible.” His violet eyes twinkled. I made an obscene gesture before I broke into a run, heading straight for the worm.

“Yes, I’d say almost my entire court bet on you dying within the first minute; some said you’d last five, and”—she turned over the paper—“and just one person said you would win.”

Early on in book 2:

“You are no one’s subject.”

“You can be a pawn, be someone’s reward, and spend the rest of your immortal life bowing and scraping and pretending you’re less than him, than Ianthe, than any of us. If you want to pick that road, then fine. A shame, but it’s your choice.” The shadow of wings rippled again. “But I know you—more than you realize, I think—and I don’t believe for one damn minute that you’re remotely fine with being a pretty trophy for someone who sat on his ass for nearly fifty years, then sat on his ass while you were shredded apart—” “Stop it—” “Or,” he plowed ahead, “you’ve got another choice. You can master whatever powers we gave to you, and make it count. You can play a role in this war.

Even before Nessian's book, Cassian has a lot to say about Nesta as a person:

He’d left their frst encounter here not entirely sure where he’d stood, or who’d had the upper hand.

And, Mother damn him, in the past few weeks, he’d found himself turning over every word and look he’d exchanged with her, over and over.

“You’re ten minutes late,” she only said, moving toward the far end of theroom, wherea frecrackled against early springs chill. Where the sound of the flames might cover their voices. Clever girl.

His temper rose with dizzying speed at the words, the absurd perfection of her. A blade given form—that’s what she was.

The fire drew out the golden sheen in Nesta’s hair as she angled her head. A predator sizing up a worthy opponent.

And in those blue-gray eyes, he could see the thoughts swirling in her as if they were smoke under glass. The cunning mind at work behind that face

He’d seen that fire before—and the steel. He half wondered what might happen if the two of them ever met. What might come of it.

With Rhys and Cassian I can feel the respect they have for Feyre and Nesta and none of that has anything to do with what the sisters had done for them. In fact both Feyre and Nesta fought like hell against Rhys and Cassian at that time in the story, actively expressing their disinterest towards them, yet the males were still impressed by who the females were.

Shouldn't Az be thinking about how impressed he was that Elain stood up to Nesta? Shouldn't he admire her for wanting to help do something dangerous, encouraging her to follow through because he believes she can? Shouldn't he (and not Cassian) be commenting on how Elain saw everything Nesta was?

Instead it's "Elain got "ME" a gift" and Elain knows why "I" don't come to dinners" and "I" saved Elain after all (even though Elain saved Briar, Nesta and Cassian and stabbed the King which are all big deals yet he doesn't ever mention any of that). It's like he doesn't view Elain as anything outside of what she's done for him or that he got to save a damsel in distress. And sure, he lent her TT but that's so he could feel like he was doing something worthy after Cassian first tried to. Yes, he helped her with the potatoes but that's because she reminded him of his mother being a servant.

Why do we have both Rhys and Cassian remark on Feyre and Nesta's cleverness yet we've never heard anything remotely close to that from Az? Why did Lucien give Elain credit for killing the king yet Azriel never once thinks on it or mentions it to Cassian as proof that she is capable of doing the things that need to be done? What about Elain impresses Az? If we have no examples in his own words or thoughts of why he likes her outside of "she got him a gift", "she doesn't want her mate" and, "she's a beautiful female whose scent of arousal makes his eyes roll back in his head" then I'm standing firmly in my belief that he doesn't actually want Elain for Elain.

#anti e/riel #antielriel #gwynriel

[doctor-direst]

Hello, I believe you are knowledgeable with bugs?

There's something that looks like a lady bug in my room rn, so I was like "oh, cool! " because ladybugs don't trigger the irrational fear of bugs that I am trying to get rid of ya know?

So anyway, I let it crawl on my hands, and everything was fine... Then it threw up a white grub thing and me being afraid of everything completely panicked, and the lady bug flew away and I got my dad to squish the grub.

Listen I know bugs play an important part in the ecosystem and without them as would perish but the primal fear part of my brain does not understand this, especially when they barf gruby things!

I'm hidding outside of my room, will it throw up again if I try to put it outside? Is it even a ladybug?! Did it lay eggs in my house plants? How to not be bosses around and afraid of little fools that are easily squished?!

I'm very sorry if this is inconvenient, if it is just ignore.

-me, Aloeverawyvren a coward.

I will answer this as best I can:

If it’s a lady beetle or other similar beetle, I have no personal experience with them throwing up insects, so I’m not too sure about that one. Though the likelihood of them doing it twice should be unlikely, an insect can only hold so much in its gut.

It’s completely valid to be spooked after such an odd encounter!

Unfortunately without a photo, I won’t be able to confirm or deny it being a lady beetle but if it is one, you don’t need to worry about any unwanted eggs! Most insects (including lady beetles in this instance) will lay eggs near the end of summer so they can overwinter and hatch in spring. A beetle waiting until midwinter would be mighty ambitious!

As for not being scared of insects, I highly recommend research! Humans fear what they do not understand, so it can be mighty helpful to do some light reading about lady beetles to know what you’re up against :D

-

Assuming you live in an area where it’s currently pretty cold, it may be an Asian lady beetle instead, since they seek shelter in winter which includes human homes. They are more known for reflex bleeding and look pretty similar to regular lady beetles, but this post would be getting way too long if I got into it. I’ll provide a simple image below to help you get started:

Helpful readings:

If you want to identify an insect and don’t have anyone to talk to, I highly recommend BugGuide.net which narrows down insects based off of images

OR I would equally recommend using the App iNaturalist, which allows you to plug in your OWN photos and it will give you some recommendations on what your insect could be!

Happy hunting! :D

[studyari]

4/17/2024

Hello friends, is anyone else experiencing burnout? I'm trying to get approved for independent research over the summer on optics and nanophotolithography. I'm just waiting on a few more signatures! I'll be working about 20 hours a week in the lab, at least. I'm nervous about being so busy, but I know I need the experience to apply to bigger things. I really want to try for MIT, NIST, or even DOE next summer! Research is so stressful, though, and why are posters so expensive to print T_T. I might try to get a little jobby job too, the extra money would be nice.

I don't know if I'm just stressed out about personal things or finals or if my data isn't great and I have to do a poster presentation, but something has me worried. I don't know! After dropping Quantum, my course load is pretty manageable, maybe a little too manageable. But next semester I have to take it *sigh* but anyway I'll update my courses in the next few posts.

The good thing is that my research advisor seems to like me, and I feel happy doing the research because it's actually aligned with my interests but gives me even more! Like optics—I know nothing about that, lol!! I'm also thinking about minoring in astronomy and astrophysics, but I'd have to get that approved; otherwise, I'd have to pay for the classes somehow on my own. We'll see what they say!!

Stressed, unmotivated, and honestly just trying not to get stuck in seeking acceptance or validation of my existence loop. I have a tendency to work hard and overexert myself for things I probably don't even see the value in. But I want to be "useful" to people and respected. I've been letting school become my first priority when, in the grand scheme of things, I should spend more time with people I love and doing things that make me happy. I don't want to dedicate my whole life to trying to be successful. But yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot lately, like, does school even matter to me? Do I wanna go all the way, PhD, etc? Do I want a family? Do I just want to be happy existing as I am? Idk I think I need a break because I'm getting lost in the sauce, and my dreams have been confirming that something is amiss. Anyway, I'll keep on trying to stay positive and try out different things!

#personal

[sinfulduck]

Self therapy session with Duck

Me: I was just rejected and utterly humiliated online. I can’t move on from it and I’m paralyzed.

Duck: hey, rejection and humiliation are part of life. Many people experience it online. You should accept what happened and forgive yourself. That will help you move on.

Me: you’re right but how do I do that?

Duck: well what happened?

Me: I posted in a sub Reddit to voice my opinion. People did not receive it well, I was ridiculed and I felt so humiliated I deleted my account.

Duck: why did you post on there?

Me: I wanted some support I guess. I thought more people would share my opinion. I was dead wrong though and now I feel so hurt.

Duck: it’s human instinct to want to seek out community. I understand why you wanted to do that and there is no shame in wanting support. What we have to remember is that online communities are not always supportive. Can you think about the other perspective? About why they responded this way?

Me: yes… I was dramatic, I am dramatic. I mean… I’m talking to myself right now. I think I worded it wrong as well, I’m not sure my intentions were communicated clearly. I can understand why someone would react negatively, not everyone thinks the way I do. But I also don’t think they read the entire thing. That may also have been due to me wording it wrong. But really did have the best intentions.

Duck: do you think you can rectify the situation ? Can you talk to them ? Clarify your intentions ?

Me: no… it’s Reddit…. I mean I want to. In many ways the response confirmed everything I said. I had a parasocial relationship with these people and they didn’t actually care about me, the community as well I don’t know them personally. In many ways, they are right. But no, I can’t try to rectify things. Reddit is scary.

Duck: so you are feeling humiliated, what else ?

Me: hatred toward myself. I feel small, like I want to disappear and run away. I feel alone. I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself but now I’m flying solo I guess. And intense regret for doing that.

Duck: why do you regret it?

Me: well… I guess it’s becuase I wish i could’ve avoided these consequences. I don’t regret what I said. I stand by it. I will not support companies that do not denounce genocide.

Duck: so you wish you left quietly, not posted, just unfollowed them.

Me: yes and no. I do not believe in going peacefully into the light. I am kinda proud of myself for making a bit of a stink. I mean… I really pissed some people off. There were so many comments. I hope this starts a discussion, I hope the guys see what I wrote, I hope others will take a stand. But at the same time, I feel awful.

Duck: hey bro, you tried doing something really hard. Activism isn’t easy, despite what people may think. It involves being vulnerable and putting yourself out there. Yes you may not have done it perfectly, but be kind to yourself. You’ll get the hang of it eventually, and no matter how you word it not everyone is gonna agree with you. But that’s okay! Because you don’t need other people to validate your opinions.

Me: you’re right. I know you’re right. But I still feel terrible.

Duck: don’t deny your emotions, don’t try to intellectualize yourself out of it too. Yes, talking like this is better than just rotting away in your bed, but you should tell someone about how you’re feeling too. Talking will help you process your emotions.

Me: and if I have no one ?

Duck: treat yourself with some compassion broski. You def have people. You don’t have to do it right away. Take a few days if you have to. Shower, do your skin care, this will stop you from overthinking the situation. Go to the gym, practice mindfulness, and talk to me. Your imaginary duck therapist.

Me: you’re right. I think I will take a shower. But I can’t stop thinking about it.

Duck: hey, that’s okays how about we reframe the scenario? Maybe there’s a lesson here, you can take this experience and help you grow. Could you do that?

Me: yes, I can grow from this. I need to stop relying on others to validate my thoughts and feelings. I need to learn that shame does not define me, my mistakes do not define me…. And I need to not be so dramatic.

Duck: that’s great! But hey, being dramatic is not necessarily a bad thing. I think a lot of people like you because of your antics. It’s charming.

Me: okay we need to stop this before I just start ego stroking. Thanks duck!!

Duck: no problem, sexy ;)

#I am loosing my mind

[rismajw]

There are days when I start questioning myself to myself; to you; to the whole world.

Days when I always need to confirm everything even though I know (and expect) it will always be the same answer.

I want you to know that those little confirmations and validations actually help me a lot to get through my days, though I also know, perhaps there’s something that I should do with myself just so that you won’t feel pressured, too.

I somehow want everything to work, in which I guess I always try to make it work my way, and sometimes forgot that you have your own way, too.

Certain days I feel like its acting up, and I can’t fee myself at all, nor can I feel you. I felt so left out, so far away, like there’s this wide gaps that forced me to distance myself from everything. That’s when I crawl, seeking everything that I want to know.

But, thanks for always being there. Telling me everything that you want me to know. I am sorry if you have to keep repeating it.

I love seeing you so thoughtful to everyone. I love hearing your daily stories. I love making sure that you’re okay, and whether you’re spending your day right. I love seeing you simply being you.

I wish I could just exists by simply being me. But, needless to say, I certainly love to make everything around me so complex.

#december 2022

[souleaterpostanime]

"serious" update and "concept art"(old scribbles)

So anyways, as I have alluded to in the past, a certain deadline is fast aproaching. Basically, without oversharing to much, I will have open hearth surgery around the 25-27(well actually thats when I have to be in the hospital, the surgery could happen a few days or weeks after that), depending on time zones and stuff. Basically, it shouldn't be deadly but you never know, and because it will open the rib cage and shit, the whole rehibilitation time will be around two months, so, even best case scenario, dont expect a chapter before that, and thats not counting readjusting to life or rethinking things and you know.

But in the case I only leave a glowing red orb after a doctor cuts the wrong artery or something and says "yeah sorry" to my corpse:

I dont want to leave the two of you, that may care how this story was supposed to go and end, hanging. But even if I personally don't think that spoilers ruin a story, Im not here to argue this and I also dont want to set into stone something in case I do survive.

So anyways the plan is, that I will set up a schedulde post, and if I dont make it, in around a year on my tumblr (because that lets one schedulde post) a summary of all the spoilers and shit will apear, with all my planed payoffs, weird arc and villian ideas and other esoteric concepts.

But to make up for possibly waiting that long for the inenventible, I found some old toilet pap-- I mean very important and not totally random notes, that show some scribbles I had so here you go.

Patty, hopefully not touching the stove or anything

Back from the exiting “hardrive broke suddenly and I lost a lot of stuff arc” a classic

Some witch desings, one’s more generic than others

Remember when that “this is halloween” amv was popular?

Kind of a spoiler, if you get what it’s supposed to be

How can the sun cast a shadow on itself like that, guess if it smiles and has a face, why not?

other witch design

(Still have more somewhere but didn't have time to find everything)

And for everyone reading, I will reveal one spoiler, even if it was totally clear to everybody, but confirmation is allways nice...

The one pairing, that everybody is reading... Yes it will happen by the end, and they will lead a happy family life, even after all the trauma they both had to experience.

Yes everyones favorite OTP, the reason people even still care about this show...

Ragnarok and Tsubaki is canon.

But all jokes aside, I'm thankfull for the people that liked and left comments on the stupid comic, even if it was out of pity or morbid curiosity or just midnlessly clicking the hearth symbol. And I'm also sorry to the people that felt offended if I didnt follow them or didnt like their work, and here I try to explain my reasoning: even if it sounds contradictory, the main motive of writting the comic was to actually get out of fandom brainrot, by turning it into something productive, that would make me make a whole story and get experience for any future original works and apreciation for the actuall creation of something and not just mindlessly criticise it. Anyways, thats why I tried to hold a distance - I didnt want to become a "member of a fandom", because I personally thought it would just lead me to a madness of obsession, and I didnt want to show a bad example, thought that I just made a work that stands by its own, I can avoid the pitfalls of it all.

Ofcourse I am a hypocrite and I seeked validation and engadgment, even if it conflicted with my personal ethics and morality, especially the more my thought evolved. So yeah, thats basically why I didnt follow anybody and why I rarely commented or liked others work, but when I did, I usually tried to encourage the creation of storys and exploration of ideas beyond of just wishfullfilment even though by the end my own comic contains a lot of it, Im a hypocrit afterall But whatever it be, I apreciated all the support of everyone and hope all of you archieve your creative aspirations, especially beyond just of soul eater. But if this still seems just like excuses for my behaviour: yeah sorry-

Nah actually if you are still reading, I'll give more updates:

If Im surviving, Im doing the unthinkable fandom sin of making an soul eater iceberg video,probably to be released on an apropriate date like the first of a certain month.This one will be the most weird, dark and esoteric one, so jf you have any truly obscure or bizarr knowledge or connections to soul eater - you can share it with me.

And finally, the next arc after this is going to be called "The desert of the real", and star Patty, while having a cowboy/b movie vibe while also subverting it all, as maybe the title gives a hint, if you know you know.

(Baudrillard turning in his grave, although I just continued the process of simmulacra on hos work making it, unreal and fake, even his theory is, revealed to be nothing under it, so actually I’m just continuing his project in my praxis!)

(oh also if I comment, post or like after the 25-27, dont assume that Im a ghost haunting this app/blog/site,but its just the fact that Im waiting on the operation while being there, because that can take days or even weeks till the whole thing itself takes place, so before you just lay bored in a hospital bed full of anxiety, which may be relieved by mindlessly posting shit, even if it breaks ones prinicipals

#soul eater post #soul eater post anime #update #concept art #soul eater #comic #serious

[multiples-fandomswontkillme]

~Metal Family headcanons~

These are like my... general hcs)? which means I didn't include my main hc that Glam, Ches and Vicky are polyamorous, married and started dating after Glam met Vicky, and absolutely everything that implies for the kids and the relationships between each member of the fam. Maybe I'll make a separate post for that or maybe not! Who knows lkfwnlfqnf

Glam

Bisexual

Glam has constant nightmares and ocasional night terrors ever since he ran away home and is an active sleep walker. Ches helped him through the worse ones when they were younger, and learned how to deal with them, always preferring not to wake him up but being with him until the episode passed. Vicky has learned how to deal with them, though she normally asks Ches for advice with it cuz she comes out short sometimes.

He has PTSD. I bet it's diagnosed too, he takes medication and goes to therapy, it doesn't mean he still doesn't have his bad days anyway. He's trying to get better.

Glam has talked to Vicky about his past, his father and his family. This is a direct contradiction of Alina's confirmation that Glam doesn't talk about it with anyone but man FUCK THAT. We love good communication in this house, Vicky tries her best to help him, but there's only so much she can do to help.

Glam enjoys gardening, cooking and making models, he also likes doing his make up, painting his nails and dressing up in fancy, extravagant clothes even if he has nowhere important to go.

He likes taking care of everyone's hair, and constantly helps Vicky brush her hair cuz there's so much of it, Dee when he gets stressed over how tangled it can get, buys Ches hair products so he actually takes care of it, and chases Heavy so the kid actually washes, untangles and brushes his hair.

This one is kind of weird, but I refuse to think any adult in the family is unarmed at any time. Glam owns a taser and pepper spray. They're bright pink and sparkly.

This man cried his eyes out while watching Coco. He's hell to watch movies with cuz he talks and predicts what's gonna happen during the movie, judges them with scores at the end and all.

Vicky

Also bisexual!

Vicky's the one who does everyone's laundry most of the time. She prefers it that way since she's the only one that knows how to wash their black clothes so the colors stay vibrant. (This is based on my gf shaming everyone but Vicky cuz their black clothes always look so muted and almost gray, but Vicky's whole outfit is always the same vibrant black colors, so we decided that neither Glam or the kids know how to wash dark clothes)

She has anger issues, if it isn't obvious. I think she also has PTSD, mainly survivor's guilt due to her surviving the accident her brother died in. She blames herself and cannot bear to talk about it, in some sort of deep denial. If she can't remember, it can't hurt as much, right?

She has scars on the right side of her back and her hip, from the road rash she got on her brother's accident, she never treated it due to grief and it scarred badly. Apart from that, the scar of the caesarean section from Heavy's birth. She doesn't really mind both of them, they happened, nothing to do about them.

She likes watching boxing competitions, brawling matches and motorcycle repairing on TV. Loves doing BBQ's and going to the pool. Also an enjoyer of teasing her kids, kissing and loving her husband at random times, spending time drinking and bonding with Ches and bragging about her family and punching anyone who thinks they're not that cool.

Not particularly a fan of make up, skirts and dresses or any traditionally femenine-perceived stuff. But has been making exceptions due to Glam and Ches being unashamed of being seen as femenine, and actually rocking the looks. The internalized misogyny is kind of slowly dissapearing.

Apart from the guns she carries in each arm (I mean her biceps, have you looked at the size of those?? She strong) she has brass knuckles on her at all times. Glam gifts her new ones sometimes, she loves having multiple choices to punch people teeth in.

Loves horror, thrillers and action movies. Falls asleep during rom-coms and dramas. Ironically, loves gossip and talking shit about people. Enjoys hearing Ches talks about the gossip going on in the nursery home even if she doesn't know who the hell he's talking about.

Rest of the family under the cut!

Heavy

Heavy is a trans boy! He doesn't know his sexuality yet though, he's still figuring himself out. When he's older, i think he definitely dated some men but had better luck with girls.

Heavy has had innocent crushes on some girls on his class before, but they never turn into anything more cuz he's not the best at expressing himself. He follows the bother-the-girl-to-death-until-she-hates-you gimmick, and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work.

I'm sorry to break this to u but Heavy totally had an among us phase, and uses so much reddit and twitch slang... You know he does.

Likes bullying and teasing his brother to death. You know that when Dee had his first romance, Heavy was ALL up in his business being a tease and a bad attempt at a wingman. He means well tho.

He's not squeamish at all. Also has great pain resistance. This kid has picked cockroaches with his bare hands and loves cats, of course the cats have scratched him. He's tough!

Grows up to be the charming himbo he was always destined to be.

Dee

I hc him as demisexual. Kind of inherited his dad's tastes for the takes no crap, intimidating but pretty kind of people.

Can't cook. He tries but he can only do basics like rice, cereal, chicken nuggets or eggs. Complicated meals always burn or don't taste like anything at all. It drives him crazy.

Dee was a quiet and very well behaved toddler before Heavy was born. He never threw tantrums or got whims. After Heavy was born though, and despite the fact he understood his brother was small and needed special care, he started craving attention often and cried and got mad at little things. Typical jealousy of the oldest sibling.

The first time Dee fell in love with someone, he didn't recognize it was love at first. He just thought his interest on the person was born out of curiosity and aesthetic attraction, but as soon as he realized he seeked validation and companionship, that he liked seeing them smile, that he wanted to protect them, that he yearned for more time alone with them and that he wanted more than what just a simple friendship implied, it was an instant 'oh hell no'. He wanted those feelings to get the hell away, but unfortunately, they were there to stay.

Canonically likes MLP, psychological and horror anime like Death note and Hellsing, so I'm deciding he also watched Death Parade, had a FNAF phase, is very into The Walten Files. This guy enjoys any kind of specially dark ARG's and knows a ton of lore of real crime, unsolved cases, ghost appearances and other stuff. Doesn't believe in the supernatural, but sure is entertained by it.

He's a mess at romance. Flirting? His attempts at compliments are hardly flattering. Giving gifts? The best he can manage is jewelry and you can kind of tell he asked his dad for help. Dates? He's so nervous he's silent for most of it, but begins getting comfortable and having fun if his partner really knows how to get him down from his negativity cloud.

Ches

Pansexual.

He's very good with kids. He has the patience of a saint and he's laid-back, chill and fun but still is an authority figure who knows how to put limits. Sure, he's gonna let the kids light up a house on fire BUT hey, now they know everything about fire precautions, burns and how to treat them AND how to get away with arson. What an educational evening, am I right?

Due to certain info from the "Goodbye" official comic, I headcanon Ches as depressed. I don't want to elaborate a lot 'cuz of spoilers, but... God, everything related to his mom fucking hurts, man. How did he deal with all that?

Ches has been Dee and Heavy's babysitter so many times he cannot count them with all his fingers. He learned how to put those kids to sleep almost immediately (Sing Bon Jovi's "This ain't a love song" and any cheesy love song in a slow lullaby style and they're out), which movie were their favorite as kids (Heavy loved 'Monsters Inc.' and Dee never looked away during 'Meet the Robinsons'), how to console them after nightmares (Heavy needed reassurance, sweet words, and to be with someone until he fell asleep again. Dee just had to be tucked in, get his nightlight turned on and kissed in the forehead). He practically raised those kids along with Vicky and Glam.

More than once, Dee and Heavy have slipped and called Ches "Dad". Ches immediately gets his shit eating grin on and answers "Yes, son?" and does a couple of dad jokes just to mess and embarrass them. He's actually very flattered and surprised at how proud of himself he is for being a father figure to both kids.

Has a scar on the left side of his forehead due to a bottle his mom threw at him when he was younger, around the time he met Glam. He hates the scar with passion, it's a permanent reminder of the fact she never cared, that's why he always keeps it covered with his headband. Gets sad about it sometimes.

Ches likes to spend his time with a group of grannies of the nearby nursing home. He genuinely considers them his friends and gossips and hangs out with all of them on weekends. Bingo, billiards, walks in the park, soap opera marathons, you name it. I even designed them, gave them names and backstories... God, i just love the concept too much. I'll make some art about Ches and his granny gang FOR SURE, you're NOT ready for them.

Carries a pocket knife on him at all times. This man grew up on a bad neighborhood and absolutely knows how to defend himself, he can be intimidating when he wants to be and will pose a threat if needed. He's fucking terrifying when genuinely mad. Just cause he looks harmless doesn't mean he is, darling.

That would be all!

#metal family #glam metal family #ches metal family #victoria metal family #chess metal family #dee metal family #heavy metal family #metal family glam #metal family victoria #metal family dee #metalfamily #metal family heavy

[cozycottagetarot]

Pick A Pile: How Can You Take Better Care of Yourself?

I did this reading a bit different from my others. It’s mainly based on impressions as I’m only using the images and any text on the cards at face value along with whatever else comes to me. So feedback would be appreciated. Another thing is the piles all have intertwining messages so if you feel drawn to two piles, then by all means I encourage you to check them both out.

Paid Readings (I’ll be updating them again)

Disclaimer: All readings and tarot/blog games are for fun and entertainment purposes only. It is in no way meant to act as or replace professional advice of any kind. You know yourself and what’s going on in your life best so I asks that you trust yourself above all else. Finally please take only what resonates from the reading which may be some of it, all of it, or none at all.

PILE 1

Tarot Cards: 7 of Cups, 8 of Wands, The Sun

Pile 1, the way you can take better care of yourself is by making a decision. With the 7 of Cups I see that you have all these opportunities being presented in front of you but you have no idea which one to go with. I get the impression from the cards that from postponing making a decision or choice, you’re starting to feel the brightness in other areas of your life dim. With the 8 of Wands and The Sun following however, I feel like once you make a decision, results and positive things will happen quickly, bringing you happiness. The Sun has a faint face depicted in it, so I feel like you don’t have to worry too much about unintended consequences. I see this as a sign you are being protected from unintended or unpleasant consequences as a result of your decision. Also, connecting with your inner child may be a way to help you make this decision.

The next cards that came out are: Protection (Call back your power. Cut the cords. Soul retrieval.) Soul Family (Call in your tribe. You don’t have to do it alone.) Anna, Grandmother of Jesus (Seeding the light, laying foundations. Divine plan.) The Ever-Unfolding Rose (Cracked open. It’s happening for you, not to you.)

With these cards I think some of you could be going through a 'dark night of the soul' (read: a very difficult time in your life). You may be feeling like somewhere along the line you’ve lost yourself or your direction as to where you’re heading next in life or what it is you truly desire (any Lucifer fans here because I hear Tom Ellis’s voice in my head haha). You may be asking yourself questions such as 'Why is this the way life is happening? Why me? Who am I even?' But even though it might seem unfair or lacking sense right now, keep in mind that whatever is going on is helping you in some format. Situations within reason of course, using your discernment here is best. It’s truly all about how you tell your story. Another thing is you don’t have to make these decisions on your own. Turn to your family and your friends for help/advice. If necessary, maybe you can seek professional help. If either or those things isn't really an option, you could always try taking some time to nurture yourself and journey inside to help you remember or figure out what’s important to you. When you make that effort to find/listen to yourself outside of the noise of everything else, I think that’s when you’ll find the information necessary to help make your decision.

Remaining Cards: The Hourglass Dolphin (46) — your achievement is only a matter of time. The Three Rhine Maidens (15) — love is a virtue that endure eternally.

The Hourglass Dolphin is all about finding balance between two aspects of your life, typically work and play. Dividing your time and remembering to put EXTRA care into taking care of your basic needs is another thing that’s going to help you find success. I feel like you are in a transitory phase and it really is only a matter of time before whatever darkness that may be clouding your life right now disappears.

The Three Rhine Mermaids talks about a phase in your life coming full circle, and once that happens your hearts desires are going to start materialising in your physical/the 3D.

The North Witch (23) — This card just kind of confirms or reiterates that with patience this dark phase is going to fade.

The Toad Witch (7) —This card talks about gaining wisdom from adversity. Also a secret admirer as well. There were messages of love laced through out the cards but they weren’t clear until now. Similarly, I think this will reflect in your life that after you’ve found stability once things have cleared up, you will find love as well.. or better yet, love will find you. Do keep in mind it might not be super quick… maybe Spring or Summer (depending on when you're reading this).

Self Care Activities Ideas (Homemade deck): Look good; feel good (put effort into looking the way you want), Believe In Yourself, Have a fruit (incorporate more fruits into your diet).

PILE 2

Hello Pile 2. The way for you to take better care of yourself right now is through doing what makes you happy.

Tarot Cards: Ace of Swords, The Sun, The Devil

I actually pulled the Ace of Swords last. Also before I started focusing on your pile while shuffling, the Four of Swords reversed came out.

Thinking of these two cards together, I think you need to pull back and ask yourself if what you’re doing is really the best thing for you. I feel like you guys could be in a really good place right now— at least at face value. The cards have darker backgrounds, except The Sun. I feel like whatever you are doing isn’t really sparking joy inside. Maybe it’s familial or peer pressure related? The life path you’re on right now seems ideal and fulfilling to everyone else, but somehow I feel like deep down inside it doesn’t feel that way. You may feel chained or held back as shown by The Devil. Looking at The Sun and The Devil, they came out together side by side. I feel like this is more family related meaning parents, parental figures or mentors. They may be trying to look out for you by telling you to study a certain topic or take a certain job because it’s safe, when what you truly want to do may be a little bit more risky. So even though you’re playing it safe right now and have things to celebrate, you may not be able to shake the that unsatisfied feeling inside.

The next cards that came out are: Warrior Woman (Have you answered your deepest calling?) Play (Have fun. Celebrate. Don’t be so serious.) Break The Chain (Ancestral patterns. Healing. Rewriting the future.) Transformation (Things are changing at a cellular level. Deep healing.)

All the figures in these cards look like they’re in their power. It makes me think you may be ignoring or avoiding stepping into the energy of your higher self. I kind of had the though fear of backlash pop into my head, and while it is a valid fear, I don’t feel like it’s something you have to worry about a lot. I feel like you need to schedule more time for yourself in general as well. You can’t ‘fight’ for other people all the time, you also have to ‘fight’ for you.

I’m just noticing something about the placement of the cards. Warrior Woman has a sword and is placed right next the the Ace of Swords. Break The Chain is right next to The Devil, and the sun is shining in Transformation and Play, in the same position as the one in The Sun… As I was saying, I feel like you need to just take a moment to connect with yourself. Ask yourself what is it you truly want and begin rewriting your future*.

*This is the part where I let it be known I need people to practice life coaching with so if you’re interested you can message me. 18 years and up only though.

Remaining Cards: The Siren (14) — In the treasure of a day, light is thrown on what could be tomorrow. The Stripped Dolphin (30) Good news, flowing through the ether waves will answer your prayers.

The Siren Is mostly about observation and not forcing connections. The Stripped Dolphin is about good things happening for you, especially by surprise. It’s also about new beginnings in any area of your life. However there’s also a message about not getting caught up in many opportunities, so if you were drawn to pile 1 as well, I see this as a sign to check out the pile as well.

The Silver Moon Witch (2) has a message of being able to see progress by the next full or new moon. However this card advises you to choose carefully when it’s the right time to go with the flow versus ‘swimming’ against the tide. Relating to above, journey inside yourself to figure out if you are taking the right course if action by choosing to stick with the path you’re on versus yelling plot twist and doing something different.

The Full Moon Witch (18) has two sides to it. On one hand you can expect ‘heartfelt’ plans coming to fruition, but on the other hand emotions may be running high and words that aren’t meant may be said. This another one of the moon phases cards, so you may find during the full moon you may have disagreements with your loved ones but once it starts to wane, disagreements may also reach a resolution. I think this relates to the The Silver Moon Witch card as well, so maybe before or during a full moon may not be the best time to bring up anything that may cause a disagreement?

Self Care Activities Ideas (Homemade deck): Journal, Get Creative, Listen To Music (there may be messages in songs for you)

PILE 3

Pile 3, you guys have been giving me hell from the moment I sat down to pull cards for your reading. From focusing and interpreting to editing. Everything was a mess and I’m assuming you a significant part of your life maybe as well? Or your headspace at least.

Aside from my struggles with your reading, based on the cards, I see you need to focus on yourself.

Tarot Cards: The Chariot, The High Priestess, Queen of Wands reversed.

Starting with your Tarot in no particular order, you have The Chariot, The High Priestess and Queen of Wands reversed. The Queen of Wands is my ideal (you) card. When it’s reversed, I see it as a sign [you] are not embodying the energy of your highest self and/or something in your life is out of balance. Both The Chariot and The High Priestess have black and white polarities, so I see it more as you needing to put yourself back into balance. Something may feel hidden from you, though you’re not really sure what and you want to push forward but it’s just not really happening? On the bottom of the deck is the 9 of Swords which notes to fear, depression, anxiety, etc and is needing to release those emotions. Obviously it can be more complex than it sounds, but I’m hoping you get the idea. Brain-dump came to me. Maybe you need to do a brain-dump and survey/assess your ‘kingdom’ so you can flip that Queen of Wands energy around and allow your chariot to race onward. The next cards that came out are:

The Crumbling (What are you clinging on to?) —> Do you need to release anything? Material items, a goal, a belief, way of life, or maybe just the act of trying to have it all together?

Boundaries (Where do you need to establish better boundaries?) —> Do you need better boundaries with yourself? Habits? People? Enviroment? School/Career?

Share Your Voice (Come out of the cave. Persecution. Expression.) It’s time to step into the limelight, because the world is your stage. Maybe you’ve been hanging back and suppressing who you truly are, but now it’s time to step forward into a new role… a you role. You don’t have to go from stand in actor to lead role over night, but do brainstorm and take baby steps daily to get there.

Keepers Of The Earth (You are not alone. Ancient ancestors stand beside you.) Take the meaning as you will, but I see it as a message to look for support in unexpected places. Maybe it’s an online community of people who can relate to you. Maybe it’s a book, article or video. Who knows, it could even be a friend or family member you didn’t think could relate or help you out. Remaining Cards: The Kraken (38) — Your success and happiness lie within you. The Great Sea Monster (37) — To accomplish you dream plan and believe.

The main theme of The Kraken is release. Good fortune/luck will come to you by delving into your subconscious mind to free the conscious. Returning to nature and the things that bring you inner joy. Good fortune coming in small waves which eventually grow into big ones.

The Great Sea Monster is about taking action and again, freeing your conscious mind by looking into your unconscious mind. Also there is more than one way to solve a dilemma, you just have to search the right way. The Immortal Witch (4) — new beginnings are happening for you, and your desires are on their way to you although it might not appear so currently. (Kind of like planting a seed. It’s growing though we can’t see it until it burst through the soil). The Fairy Ring Witch (9) — mental and physical communication. Connecting with or making friends with similar skills or talents. Self Care Activities Ideas (Homemade deck): Tend to yourself, Slow and steady, Get creative, Read a book (maybe a self help book relevant to what you're going through).

#pick a card #pick a pile #pick a card reading #pick a picture #tarot reading #pick a pile reading #pac #pac reading #ariesmoontarot

[lovee-infected]

I enjoy reading character analysis to understand them more and I've also noticed that some insert fics are like too exagerated and their personalities are far from the canon twst. I think some writers are just basing their fics to others and and makes conclusion about it and ignore important details or text on their cards?* And as a reader, I do sometimes think that "this" character are like that. Like Vil, being portrayed as narcisstic and beauty obssessed charac, I think he isnt like that and theres more to him than we think. Sorry for the long ask✌️

You're totally valid anon and I see your point, you know while I agree that each idea and interpretation on characters is worthy on its own and no one is bound to having a specific opinion or belief, getting too wild with personal fantasies and ignoring the originals can totally ruin the writing. Characters are often mischaracterized especially in reader insert fics and the most annoying part is that almost everyone is making the same mistakes about him-! Like some of the noticable mistakes would be:

(1) Femininely has nothing to do with Vil's terms of beauty

Oh lord what can I say- It's even against what Vil himself directly said through chapter five and how he cleared his point on male and female equal, and you can tell he is pretty strict about it.

Like did you just forget what he told Epel when he complained that he doesn't want to act like a girl: “a boy getting embarrassed about ‘acting like a girl,’ -- what year is your head stuck in??? did you take a time machine from 100 years ago??”

He doesn't seem to be one to appreciate the concept of labeling beauty as a female-only thing and on the other hand, he doesn't really seem to like the way women can be looked down on while being compared to men either. He seeks equality, and beauty wasn't ever defined as a feminine act in his dictionary; while there are tons of requests asking for: Vil forcing their trans s/o to wear more feminine clothes/ Vil asking their fem! s/o to wear more feminine stuff an look cuter/Vil complimenting s/o's appearance for not being feminine enough/... And literally TONS of requests like this. Please, you're forgetting one the most important parts of his personality, he considers male and female to be equal and it's so hecking important to show that he holds respect for all genders nonetheless.

(2) Vil's maturity is often ignored

Honestly, within all twst characters Vil's maturity on its own really impresses me. From the way he speaks to how serious and sincere he is all I gotta say is this man is waaay different from the way he's charactetized in most of the fics. Idk why but, he's sometimes charactetized as a guy who's ready to boil you alive if you dare touch any of his expensive make up pallettes or eyeshadows. Oh please, Vil isn't an angry child.

Also he often decides to keep his anger in, though you can tell when he's mad by just looking at his face. Clinching fists, trying not to talk and most likely, walking off or asking people to leave him alone until he calms down a bit is most likely his usual way of expressing his anger, but I've seen him being described as a loud, feral figure like Riddle is! Oh god no- Are you just ignoring how calm and collected Vil often tends to be?

(3) What's with the potato fetish?

While it's canon that Vil can sometimes call people around him potato. You may like to know that in some languages, potato is translated as "Apple of the ground", which can be an interesting reason of him using this nickname for people.

Watching Vil call students potatoes can be as entertaining as watching Malleus play with his tamagotchi, but again, it's important to realize that you don't have to only use potato when you're thinking of what Vil might say in a reader insert/situation!

Come on there are hundreds of different statements and sentences you can use other than just 'potatoes' and it'll get boring to read him saying the same nick name over and over in a fic. Good lord of course this isn't the only word he uses in communication so please try to avoid using it too much. This, is NOT the only word that he knows to use! (Seriously though I've seen being used like 6 times in a 500-word drabble)

(4) Please avoid spreading false information about him and his personality

Funny how I'm saying it here, but don't forget that you do not own him! Vil Schoenheit is a property of Disney/ Aniplex and all, which means that no one can certainly decide on his sexuality/ background/ unexplained character details unless it's officially announced.

Why am I saying this? Because some people are seriously going to far! I've seen people attacking others saying that Vil's pronouns are She/Her and not He/ Him like: EXCUSE ME...???

I don't want to get into details explaining how this drama is going but I've got to say something anyway, YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE ON HIS PRONOUNS! None of us do!

It's totally okay to have your personal preferences on his pronouns or anything else, but you must avoid spreading such information and forcing them on others as long as they aren't confirmed! Please keep your headcanons for yourself and don't confuse the fandom with them. Everyone's free to have their own headcanons but it's never okay to force them on others!

(5) Vil has a LOT to talk about other than just beauty!

Man... sometimes I feel like the fandom is just doing him dirty. Most of the reader inserts, fics , and even Vil memes have something to do with beauty while it's important to try and look through his personality as well instead of just sticking with the beauty aspect.

For example, through the Halloween event, I couldn't be any more surprised when Vil found the crying child who had lost their parents through the crowd and instead of just leaving them to headmaster or asking someone to take care of them he actually started to play with the child and entertrain and confront them on his own! That was probably one of his sweetest moments through the whole game and it really changed my mind about him! It was great to know that Vil as well can have a softer side when it comes to children, just imagine how good this can be used while writing a father AU for him!

His talents on the other hand need to be recognized, for example: his acting skills back in the ghost marriage proved how much of a great actor he can be and this can also give us lots of ideas to use in writings. On the other hand he's much of a celebrity on his own ( Woop- he's also got 2m followers on magicam) which gives us another great plot to write for him.

The way he is around close friends, how he compliments them and gets complimented by them in return, the way he manages Pomefiore and tries to put the students into doing their best in using their skills and lots of more interesting details that can be found through his stories are there to tell you that he's a lot more than just a beautiful Queen. A considerable part of his background as well is going to be released at he end of chapter 5 (Yes baby after the overblot Vil) and I hope that gives us all the opportunity to come up with stronger personalities and plots next time that we're describing or even, characterizing Vil!

Lmao I kind of rushed to finish this so I didn't get to talk about him as much as I wanted to, but hope that this is useful anyway.

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twisted Wonderland x reader #character analysis #vil Schoenheit #vil Schoenheit x reader

[redvanillabee]

So I want to unpack and address this observation the other day:

(x)

This began as sort of an immediate reaction post to the interrogation in 1x07, because...I’m very used to Daniel being portrayed as the softer one, the more level-headed one, that to have him basically explode onto the scene as 1x07 opens was a bit of a shocker. But after some thoughts and rereading some metas, I think his reaction makes sense. I kind of want to map out how I understand his reaction here, as well as attempt a little analysis of character growth when comparing him in 1x07 to him in AOS S7.

On the very top, I think what shocked me was how quickly he jumped to the conclusion with Peggy, deciding in just a handful of hours that she must be a floozy. This layer has been meta’d to death and has been rightfully called out by Peggy in the show, so I will leave this point here.

And while that pedestalization of Peggy was certainly problematic, I think that definitely speaks to a certain trust and faith in Peggy. And to that end, he is...comparatively commendable that he recognises her abilities.

And as for the rage that I say I feel has been brushed over and woobified... to an extent, I would say that deep-seated anger is understandable, if not somewhat justified. I think @steeleholtingon​ puts it best:

I love this discourse... In AC, he's young...maybe 28 and fresh from the battlefront and leaning to live with his amputation. He IS angry on so many levels. By AoS he's nearly a decade older and had time to come to terms with life. though I can see  him becoming an old stodgy. Then his whole life changes again... but this time it's a real chance to be who he wanted to be before the war...someone who can make a difference and maybe fall in love too.

I’ve joked about Daniel being a Sweater Boy who is “trying to be normal so people won’t know you’re traumatized and angry”, and it seems to be what he is doing in S1. He is hanging onto any sense of normalcy that is still within reach. And while he doesn’t seek external validation, confirmation, and guidance like Jack, he is certainly likewise trying to find an anchor in someone; and that someone is Peggy. It’s there in 1x08—Daniel doesn’t need someone to pin a medal on him, but he also doesn’t have the same ‘I know my own value’ self-assuredness that Peggy has.

Plus, I am inclined to think that part of his rage has been played up for the interrogation room. The show has pointed out multiple times that these agents, when they are interrogators, play up a certain personality; they put on a show for those they are questioning. So it would actually be interesting to see how might he has confronted Peggy in a more...private setting. May something like the alleyway behind L&L in 1x06?

(Hell, I myself noticed that he reminds me of John Watson, and both ACD and BBC John Watson is shown to have a bit of a rage kept under wraps, as Watson deals with disability and adjusting to civilian life. Is that not what Daniel was going through?)

(And for a more Marvel comparison, it’s been said that pre-serum Steve, who thanks to his family history and disability, is far from a puppy, and likewise has an internal rage. And when the show consistently draws a comparison between pre-serum Steve and Sousa, I think that’s a facet of characterisation that similar applies to Sousa.)

It’s interestisng that the next time we see Daniel really explode at someone in a similar scenario, when we see that same level of anger as we do in 1x07, it’s in AOS 7x05 at Jemma, who incidentally impersonated Peggy just two episodes prior. Like @steeleholtingon​ has pointed out, it is when his life has been turned upside down again, like in S1. And—granted, the context of AOS S7 doesn’t really allow for any illusion that Jemma was being a floozy to anyone, but you can see an evolution in Daniel’s attitude. He is accusing Jemma of not knowing what she is doing, and not jumping to some out-there conclusion about her personally; he is not passing a moral judgment like in 1x07. So... character development?

So...I don’t know what is my conclusion here. I guess this is a thought exercise for myself; I also have a bad habit of making Daniel Sousa a little too soft, a little too puppy when writing him. And it’s easy to forget he has that other side to him! He is generally soft spoken, he is mild-mannered and understated in how he dresses, that one would be forgiven to think there’s no deeper wells in him. But it’s a lot more interesting when that rage and judgment—when done right (and not coming from a place of sexism)—comes out to play.

#bee rewatches ac #wow this got very long #daniel sousa #character study #tbh this is mostly so that i can organise my thoughts and collate references #so that i know how to write #my meta

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 27 - Keeping Your Head Up

Masterlist; Chapter 26

Summary: Sleepless nights and plotting the way forward. You and Neil finally talk about the approaching battle. The conversation provides the spark for action.

Warnings: 18+ (not so implied content, if ya know what I mean); swearing.

Author's Notes: Here we go, earlier than I expected because who said that uni should be more important than fanfiction. This one goes through the whole spectrum of human emotions and I'm not even sure what's going on... but here it is. And I'll hope you'll enjoy! Let me know what you think?

P.S. Yes, Stalsk is soon. Yes, I'm terrified. How about you? :)))

Once the last arcs of light disappeared from the night sky and the troops started to disperse, one look exchanged with Neil was enough to help you decide. You led him through the ship’s quarters, hands holding tightly in the unspoken promise. Whatever happened during the aurora only confirmed what you knew from the previous night. There was no question of giving him up. One does not give up on the love of their life. Simple.

As the door to your cabin closed, both of you knew what had to happen. Neil wound his arm around your waist, pushing you against the wall. No space left between your bodies as your gazes met:

“I love you,” a whisper leaving his mouth reverence and certainty.

With the pulse pounding in your ears, you took the words off his mouth with a kiss. Hunger and need betrayed by your eager hands, grabbing hold of his sweater and pulling him down. In response, Neil kissed you harder, lips bruising, teeth tearing the skin to make you understand. Soon it became a duel of passion, each desperate to push the other off the edge. To stake the claim. Mindless of time and caution, you tugged at the clothes and stole the breath from each other’s lungs. Minutes passed, but it was never quite enough. Never satisfied. Only once the lightheadedness made you feel close to passing out from the lack of oxygen, you broke the kiss with a gasp. Your eyes opened to see Neil gazing back at you with a grin on his face. He glanced at your mouth as you licked off the saliva, chasing the taste for that second longer. Then, lost in the daze, you leaned forward, resting your forehead against his chest.

“What?” he gently cradled your head, pulling you closer into the strange hug.

With words missing, you took the additional moment to catch your breath and piece together a response:

“It’s... this is good. I don’t want it to end” a shy smile which he could not even see.

Still, the truth. Your idle hands ventured underneath the clothes, settling on the belt loops with the thumbs grazing over his sides. The warmth of the skin, a vivid reminder about the previous night. Something within your reach.

“It won’t. I’m never letting you go again,” confirming the words he tightened the hold, “Do you want to pick up the conversation or...” Neil trailed off, something in his voice arousing curiosity.

You raised your head, noticing the hint of a smirk on his lips. And the sparks in his eyes.

“Or?” courageous fingers ghosting over his stomach, bringing out sharp inhales.

You were never someone who paid too much attention to men’s musculature. It was never on the list of ‘requirements’ or expectations. And yet, as you carefully brushed your fingertips over his firm abdomen, that spark of satisfaction was there. And attraction, never waning since you first laid your eyes on him.

“We could continue with this...” ignorant of your thoughts, Neil searched your face with hints of hesitation in his eyes, “But only if you want to. I wouldn’t want you to think that all I’m here for is…” the deepening frown made you snap out of the reverie and shut him up with a finger against the mouth.

“Neil,” firmly, yet with a playful smile upon your lips, “You’re telling that to someone who just considered fainting if it meant extending that kiss,” your grin widening upon the shock on his face.

And then he grinned, cupping your cheek and brushing the pad of thumb over your lower lip. Drawing out a sigh with ease that not that long ago would have embarrassed you. Now there was no reason to hide it.

“Fair point” Neil smiled lightly, gaze distant showing you that he still had some things to say, “It’s just that…”

His eyes met yours a helpless plea. To understand, to chase away the worries and doubts. He did not need to ask for that.

“Yes?” you picked up the conversation, fingers running through his hair.

The gesture both a comfort and a way of reminding him of where you were. Of what you could give him if he only agreed. Judging by the way he leaned into your touch, it did work. After a beat, he met your gaze again, words pouring out with desperation and self-directed bitterness:

“We’ve lost so much time because of my stupidity. And I feel like it’s running out. If there’s not much left, then I want to give you all I’ve got” the earnest look stealing away the remains of breath from your lungs “And words can only go as far. Some of what I feel can’t be expressed like that, it’s...” trailing off, he faltered as though uncertain.

Oh god. It felt almost surreal to understand. That he would be questioning your desire to have sex again after all the confessions and admitted truths. That he would worry about going too far. As if that was not exactly what you wanted. All because he cared too much about your issues with being this close. Idiot. Ignoring the need to stop his silly doubts with a kiss, you tilted his chin and made sure he could see the longing in your eyes:

“I don’t need much convincing to agree for a repeat of last night. Only an idiot would’ve said no to all that… pleasure” simply, just as letting your free hand bravely brush over his crotch.

The answering gasp was more than promising. You could see the resolve breaking as he tried to level the breathing. Fingers taking hold of your shirt, toying with the material. Knuckles brushing over the skin on your stomach. The internal conflict close to a resolution. A favourable one. Only…

“You’re not tired?” the blue eyes full of concern and unmeasurable yearning.

Too good. With heart close to bursting from the amount of love, you took that as the cue to be brave. To be honest and show him the extent of need ravaging through your blood:

“I am. But I want you” purposefully meeting his gaze with an unguarded look, “I want to feel your hands on my body. To make love with you, knowing that you’re mine,” you observed as he swallowed hard, hands grasping onto your waist underneath the shirt “To feel you inside me” the conclusion whispered as your courage wavered.

Because that was a first. Explicitly stating wants and desires were never a forte, with the insecurities and anxiety making you forgo every attempt. Until now, with Neil, who was stunned into silence. His eyes darkened almost imperceptibly as the words sunk in. He understood.

You barely had the time to register when his lips crashed against yours in the kiss to put every single one before it to shame. This time there was no moderation, no slowness in any of your actions. Hands barely had the time to catch up with the needs as you both fumbled around with the clothes. A casualty – the cup of tea abandoned by the bed sent tumbling onto the floor. But you have not even noticed, too occupied by Neil, his skilful hands and breathtaking moves.

Logic of your closeness startling in its simplicity. Without needing to ask, he made sure you were ready, consent chased at every stage with something as straightforward as eyes searching yours, looking for that nod. For the spark, that told him what you wanted. And then, as he allowed you to have everything once again, gazes locked and held. Love passed with each sigh, shudder and moan. Faster and harder, seeking that familiar rush. Confirming what you both knew already. Never enough. Hands worshipping every inch of your body as you drove him to the edge and over, following suit. This time you did not bite back on words that settled on the tip of your tongue. With every single instance, the three words rolled off with more ease. That moment not any different, the I love you whispered as he offered you the necessary release, sealed with a kiss and explosion of pleasure. Nothing came close. Nothing ever would.

***

The quietness of the moment right after was astonishing in its tranquility. Neil pulled you back down to lie next to him on the bed with your head propped on his chest, the heartbeat a constant white noise bringing peace. With those careful hands caressing your skin, there was no place for insecurities. Only the overwhelming feeling of completeness, as if now when you knew that your heart was safely his, everything else has sunk into the background. That, of course, was an illusion, one that had to be shattered pretty quickly with the reminder about the topic you were yet to discuss. But it could wait. Just a little longer.

“Not a bad way to finish off the evening,” the low murmur tinted with a playful edge.

Of course. Despite the warmth spreading through your body, you grinned, arms embracing him tightly, even if only to show agreement. It really was. And yet…

“Was it still that good? Like you said, in the morning-” the eternal need for validation speaking up before you could properly gather the thoughts.

Thankfully, Neil sensed what was coming before you did. He sat up, dragging you with him.

“Christ, you-” the exasperation betrayed by the heavy sigh, “If I need to tell you how amazing it was every time we have sex, then I will. Keep that in mind” he observed you closely, taking in the spreading blush and deepening shock “My love” an addition followed by a bop on the nose.

Just like that. Without giving you time to react, he laid down again. This time you seemingly had a choice, no arms holding you close as if to show that you were free to suffer the doubts alone. As if. With a quiet huff, you settled back on the bed facing him. The lack of touch felt strange.

“I’ll take that as a warning” stubbornly, you met his gaze, awaiting nothing but satisfaction.

Rightfully so. The infamous smirk graced his lips as he stared at you fondly. Maybe it was time to abandon the uncertainty. Maybe you really got that lucky.

“You should,” as though he too was missing the contact, he reached out to stroke your cheek slowly, “And yes, it was still very much mind-blowingly good. Splendid. Terrific” with each word, the blush was darkening.

Neil’s smugness growing exponentially. Too much.

“Okay, stop,” ignoring the sudden desire to punch him, you chose the puppy-eyed look instead, “Please,” placing your hands on his shoulders if only to assert the dominance.

The sudden flash of darkness within the blue eyes was unexpected. And fascinating.

“Make me,” a whisper accompanied by his touch trailing down your stomach.

That was a challenge you gladly accepted. Using the moment of stagnation, you rolled over to trap him beneath you. His eyes swept over your chest, hands settling on your waist, making everything easier as always. It was not difficult to lean in and shut him up with another breathtaking kiss, with teeth catching that frustrating lower lip showing him why it was unwise to test you. The answering groan and tightening grip were good enough confirmation. And also, a perfect moment to let go and let him suffer alone.

The offended look on his face - absolutely delightful. You waited patiently as he got over the initial shock and wound his arm around your waist once again. From the wistfulness on Neil’s face, you could tell that he was not done:

“Now I know why I’ve always been so drawn to you. You’ve got quite the skillset” the meaningful look giving more confidence than anything ever “And, mind you, I might be catastrophically in love with you but that… no wonder we couldn’t keep our hands off each other” accentuating the meaning, he cupped your face once again “You’re unforgettable. Wonderful. Extraordinary. And mine” the litany closed off with happiness in his eyes “Which is why I’ll start counting my blessings” a kiss on your forehead finishing the speech.

You met his gaze with a gaping mouth. What on earth… That amount of affection expressed just like that was overwhelming. The only thing that could be done was to hug him tightly and hide from the fond look by burying your head in the crook of his neck. The warmth of your bodies slowly lulling you back into the peaceful illusion of safety. Into believing that the drama was truly beyond you. Only one last issue circulating your brain, nagging at the thoughts and creating ‘what ifs’ that needed answering. Maybe…

“I’ve got one more silly question before I’ll be quiet for eternity” your whisper broke the silence with the husky timbre.

You felt Neil’s low chuckle before you heard it. His hand stroking your back without a stutter. As if that was second nature. As if he always knew how to touch you but held back. Until now.

“Go on then,” you raised your head in time to see a happy grin, “Miss silly questions,” fingertips skirting over your profile, stopping at your mouth.

The ghost-like touch, parting your lips just because it was possible. Because casual intimacy was no longer out of bounds. Ignoring the sudden onrush of feelings, you chose to use the rare courage to your advantage:

“Are you my boyfriend now? Is that what I should call you?” blurting out the questions with deepening blush and increasing embarrassment.

Too clingy. What if he wanted to keep this casual, without labels? And you just messed it up? Like everything in your life. Before the sabotage could take over, a familiar hand tilted your chin up. The blue eyes, searching yours, looking for clues towards the extent of self-inflicted damage. Whatever he found was enough to call for a soft kiss, followed by a cheeky smile:

“Boyfriend, partner... husband, whatever you want darling,” the wink almost making you brush over the words.

Almost. Your brain froze as you remembered the meaning of the terms used. The ridiculousness of it all taking away the last bits of reason.

“... We’re not married,” staring at him as though he has officially lost it, you stated the obvious.

Only the answering grin was not that obvious. Or the way he took hold of your hand and kissed your knuckles, all the while maintaining eye contact.

“Are you sure about that?” the arched eyebrow adding the final blow.

There was no end to the shock as the absurd of everything caught up. The laugh could not be contained anymore, giggles interrupting whatever you could want to tell him. The happy look in his eyes, making everything even worse. Only once you could catch your breath again, an expression of exasperation the only thing passing through your throat:

“Jesus Christ… Neil” a hint of warning.

Mostly to stop being so bloody charming. Even with spite, it was difficult to find flaws in that beautiful face. Or to stop the constant flood of affection whenever your gazes locked. He looked completely unbothered, amused by your reaction.

“You knew what you’re signing up for,” a shrug showing no remorse whatsoever.

He did have a point. Still.

“Yes, but… I hate you sometimes,” the words triggered by the eternal frustration, “You with your perfect eyes and jaw that cut through my defences. And let’s not even mention all that smooth talk” ever so casually, you traced the outline of his jawline.

Catching the hints of something darker in his expression, you felt the need from before return. Making you cling closer to him, find a temporary fix for the addiction in the way you fit together. Legs entwined; comfort brought by something as simple as the possibility to share the pillow with him. Or the option to get lost in his gaze, let his hands explore all the curves and edges. Everything that you could offer.

“And yet,” the simplicity of his answer was enough to make you grin.

Distractedly, you let your fingers skim down his chest, watching with fascination at how easy it was to treat him as yours. The naturality of the conversation and the variety of responses to keep up the banter. Effortless. Before you found the right words, Neil traced the path down your thigh, creating the tiniest sparks of electricity.

“My most humiliating defeat,” you admitted with a feigned disappointment painted on your face.

That seemed to be the bait he needed. You observed with satisfaction the way his eyes lit up. The cheeky smile back on his lips. There we go.

“You didn’t seem humiliated. Just now,” hand getting dangerously close to the space between your thighs “More like… satisfied” Neil shifted forward, closing the gap between your faces “By me” a low whisper before he captured your lips in a kiss.

A hard one that deepened the bruises and showed you why you had no choice but to give in. Why resting within his embrace was where you were meant to be. You let the feelings consume you whole, clinging even closer to him, arms holding him tightly, letting the breathlessness roam free. The only cue to end the kiss came from Neil, who has run out of oxygen and ended the contact with a sharp gasp. He did not let go, however, extending the hug for at least five minutes, during which you both savoured the moment. The quiet only disturbed with the sounds of your breathing and the synchronised heartbeats, marking the passage of time. It would be easy to fall asleep like that, feeling safe and loved. Finally important to someone. Finally his. But you knew that the things needing talking over would catch up eventually. And so, with the heart getting heavier and the body aching for more, you let go and disentangled enough to meet his eyes again. Nothing but affection there. It was that overwhelming love that prodded the next reflection:

“Sometimes I can’t quite believe you’re real” you let yourself stare a little longer, taking in his infatuated gaze and ruffled hair.

His beauty always startling in its harshness. The angles and sharp edges capable of shattering a heart. You knew that best of all. And yet, with the blue eyes that always showed a myriad of feelings, he was not intimidating, only absolutely fascinating. Someone you could admire for hours and would never have enough. Now, with your curious glance reflected and gentle touch caressing your temple, the luck felt almost immeasurable. Because how could you get this fortunate?

“I am, all yours to touch... and do whatever else you want,” the response bringing the confirmation.

It was that simple. The darker glimmer in his eyes told you as much. You hoped the smile was a good enough answer, for there were no words. Neil acknowledged your speechlessness with a timid smile, as though he too needed time to get used to the new dynamic. To the honesty and unrestrained confessions passed between you to make up for the lost time. The longing in his gaze was enough to let you know that it was time. That you could not stall anymore.

“Tempting…but…” you let out a long exhale and forced out the serious tone, “We should talk,”

One look in his direction told you he understood. The smile wiped off his face in an instant, the frown replacing the previous shyness. With the sudden need to make your circumstances a little bit more bearable, you got up and took hold of his t-shirt abandoned on the floor. Without thinking too much, you slipped it on and turned back to face Neil. An answering grin was a needed reassurance. You observed as he put on the boxers and settled back next to you, instantly drawing you into a half embrace with an arm placed over your shoulders and a hand resting on your thigh. It was all the comforts you could hope for beginning the difficult topic. Nothing to hold you back now. One look at him was enough to permit you to start. Alas…

“Every second I’m falling harder in love with you, and there’s no end to it,” the opening sentence getting out without a stutter as you stared at his fingers idly tracing patterns on your bare skin “I might not understand much-” watching with horror as he opened his mouth to protest you closed it with hand placed over his lips “No, Neil, let me say it” firmly, gaze held to show the determination; after a beat, he nodded and you resumed “I don’t understand much. Probably a quarter of what you know since you’re the smart one here, but... I refuse to give up before we try to make it work together. Let me help you” you could see the conflict brewing in his eyes, thousands of worries passing through his face; one last thing to say “I like to think that there’s a reason why I’ve been brought into this. That I’ve got a bigger role to play than being your lover” you whispered the word shyly, as if almost unsure if it was the right one.

It seemed correct, but… With growing uncertainty, you watched as Neil’s frown deepened. Then he seemed to consider something with eyes closed as though needing to block you out of the picture. That did not help the anxiety. Before your heartbeat could kick in with the elevated speed, he faced you again with new emotions painted all over the features. Most obvious of all – hesitancy. And then…

“You’re much more than that,” a long inhale as though that could give him courage, “You’re… You could be my- We could-” he faltered, the blue eyes looking anywhere but at you.

With your mind starting up the sirens for the world-ending kind of emergency, you could only blurt out the straightforward questions:

“What? What are you trying to say?” your voice wavered, betraying the chaos within.

It was that one false note vibrating through your vocal cords that made Neil calm down a fraction. Finally, he met your widened gaze, and after an extended second of soul-searching, he responded:

“I want to marry you… even today,” oh “If you’d want that, of course,” a hurried addition, with eyebrows knitting together and teeth nibbling on the lower lip restlessly.

Oh. Christ. Now nothing was stopping your pulse from picking up the tempo. The blood rushed into your cheeks as the words sunk in. That was far from anything you expected to hear. Now or ever. From him or anybody else. The sight he presented at the moment told you that there was no point in doubting the authenticity of the proposal. No one would look this terrified because of a lie. With words missing, you could only let out a half-hearted laugh:

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the forced lightness bouncing off his rigid resolve with the speed of light.

He took your hand in his, thumb brushing over the knuckles. Additional regard given to your ring finger almost thoughtlessly. It was hard to remember about something as basic as breathing as you stared at him, pondering his very next sentence. An explanation, hopefully.

“I’m serious. I need you to understand how much I love you. More than I can express and enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you” the earnest look stunning you into silence with his beauty.

The confession needing at least two business days to be processed and understood. But there was no time for that. The part of your heart that has fallen in love with him circa New York ready to abandon logic and say yes. No matter the approaching battle, the lack of reason or sense in any of this. But that voice had to be silenced. For now.

“Neil… You can’t- It’s been less than a day since we-” you stumbled over the protest, failing to piece together a coherent argument.

Because it was both a yes, and a no. Yes, I want to marry you. Not now. Not yet. Not with the world on fire and uncertain chances of survival. But how do you say that?

“I know, but I’ve been feeling like this for months. And everything that happened showed me that I’m right. I need you” your internal monologue got cut short by Neil’s response, “But if… if you don’t want me like that, it’s alright. I-” it was the sudden insecurity betrayed by the stutter that alerted you.

You could not allow him to doubt your feelings like this. Never again. Following the instincts, you clamped your hand over his mouth again, cutting off the horrifying ramblings.

“Shut up,” you met his gaze and replaced the hand with your mouth, kissing him slowly, “I want you, exactly like that. But I want to have a future with you, filled with so much love and understanding that it will make my heart ache” the meaningful look focused only on the man inches away from you “That’s why we need to work together. So, one day if you’ll still feel the same… you’ll ask me properly, and I’ll say yes” the breathless addition costing you blush on the cheeks and a flash of anxiety.

The best answer you could offer hanging in the tense silence. Hesitantly, you looked at him again, searching for a response. The knowledge that he understood your plea and was willing to accept it. As your eyes locked, Neil smiled, the expression brightening up the mood in an instant. Maybe it would be alright.

“That might have been the most poetic rejection I’ve ever heard,” he murmured, and before you could comment on that, captured your lips in a kiss.

Gently showing you that he understood. Deepening the contact, making the reality catch up. It was real. He wanted you, and not just now. Loved you enough to marry you if the universe allowed. That was a prospect good enough to fight for. An idea to fight off the doubts and worries. Because no matter what your brain had to offer in exchange, it could not compare. Ending the kiss, on a contented sigh, you rested your forehead against his. Taking an additional moment to level the breathing and stare into the eyes that have seen the inside of your soul and accepted it.

“You took me by surprise,” the nervous grin appearing on your face on its own accord.

Neil mirrored it, fingers cupping your face and stroking your cheek tenderly.

“Sorry…” a kiss on the forehead “Since I woke up today and looked at you… it’s been on my mind. The idea that you’re the one, and I need to let you know somehow. An obvious way would be to make you my wife” an overwhelming wave of fondness passing through the system at his words.

Neil’s wife. That sounded good. Hopeful. A label you would be proud to have one day. Final confirmation of your love. That was the needed spark to steer the conversation back on the right track. You leaned in once again and laid a small kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“Will you let me help you?” the simple question as you forced the seriousness once again.

This time he looked less nervous. Instead, you could see the battle playing out within his gaze. Fear and worry most prominent, close to tipping the scales and engulfing his mind within their shadow:

“I understand your logic… and why you want to go with me,” the diplomatic tone making you frown, “But… I don’t think I’ll be able to survive losing you. If something went wrong and you’d- I can’t let that happen” steel-cold resolve you knew from those disastrous meetings where this topic was the ultimate hot spot.

Now, technically, the issue of holding back was out of the way. Now neither of you had to pretend that you cared less; that there was anything else at stake but your feelings towards each other. Still, the fear of another argument was settling in the pit of your stomach as you aimed to answer with necessary determination:

“That goes both ways, Neil,” your comment causing him to look up with a surprise, “You need to understand that we’re both stubborn idiots who won’t let go. The best we can do is compromise” the softer tone needed to persuade him somehow.

You observed as he swallowed hard, your hand still within his grasp, now clutched tightly. As if he was afraid you would disappear if he relaxed the grip. Finally, he raised his head once again and met your searching gaze. Panic. Denial.

“But what if-” the words coming out strained, broken.

You did not like where it was going, and so you interrupted the supposition:

“What if what? There’s a reason why TP sent me those materials. Why he thought it’s crucial we know about the lock, and we prepare for it” the urgency crept into your voice, disrupting the illusion that you were the calmer one.

But how can one discuss something this important emotionlessly?

“Maybe they’re meant for me. So that I can go in there, open the gate, and leave” Neil’s answer made you snap up with sparks of passion burning in your eyes.

What you found on his face made it worse. It was that same resignation from before. As if he had no other choice but sacrifice himself. As if that was the only option, and he did not even want to consider alternatives. Why? Ignoring the desire to slap sense into him, you urged the reason to fight alongside you and put on the most definitive of voices:

“But what if something or someone stops you?” the question tearing through the fragile reality as you faced his conflicted look, “You’ve got reasons to come back now. Don’t you dare give me that same self-sacrificial crap” mindless of your need to stay strong, a single tear trailed down your cheek.

It fell perfectly onto your joined hands, making Neil look up sharply. His forehead creased with a new dose of angst as he reached out to wipe the wetness from your cheek. Taking a moment to stroke your neck then, gently caressing the skin as if it was necessary. As if the time was running out.

“Maybe this… maybe it’s all we’re meant to have. Those few days and-” the heartbroken look he gave you was enough to call for drastic measures.

Impatiently, you took hold of his free hand and grasped his chin to force him to meet your gaze:

“No” certain, no place for bargains, “I won’t give up on you without trying. You’ve made yourself essential to me, you’ve given me something else to… to be” you faltered, more tears streaking down your face; words needed but missing “I can’t let you take it away like that” a sudden stroke of anger adding inspiration for the very next argument “And why? Because ‘what’s happened happened’? That’s just another way of excusing inaction” with fascination you saw him flinch.

You have hit the right spot. Now it was the question of persisting. Of making him understand how ridiculously he was acting. How selfish it was to get himself killed in the name of philosophy. The wrong one, at that.

“It’s not. It’s an expression of fate in the mechanics of the world, not an excuse to-” he recited the words as though he knew them by heart.

As though it was his credo. Bullshit.

“Do nothing?” you completed the sentence with an arched brow, “And what is it that you’re planning to do?” biting edge unplanned but helpful.

If only to see him hesitate. No scripted cue for this question.

“Save the world. For you,” the candid answer taking you by surprise, “Because this the only way I can assure your survival” Neil stared at you with startling emptiness.

It was not exactly unexpected, but still. The fact that you mattered that much, the lengths he was willing to go to for your sake. Fuck. Overwhelmed with love and fear, your heart begged to be released. It thrashed within its cage, pulse pounding in your ears as you forced the brain to work. To tell him how wrong he was to think you wanted a life that did not guarantee his presence.

“The trouble is I don’t want to live in the world without you in it” that straightforward; making sure he held your gaze before continuing, “Listen to me. We will devise a plan, the best we can come up with, and then we’ll go in there together. I’ll cover you and help you escape after the job is done” you outlined the most reasonable of options and added upon his silence “It’s that simple,”

The conversation slowly draining the remains of energy in your body. You wanted nothing but to curl up in his embrace and sleep, forget about this whole mess, even if for a few hours. But you could not have that yet. Not with Neil offering yet another counterstrike:

“It’s everything but simple,” more worry in the stormy eyes, “I don’t know if I can do it… if I can let you…” he trailed off, the unspoken concerns making him interlace your fingers securely.

That called for the final defensive.

“Do you trust me?” you dropped the question with a neutral tone.

The answer hoped for but never taken for granted.

“Yes,” he did not stumble, the word rolling off his tongue with ease.

A rare surge of hope blooming in your chest.

“Then trust me on this too,” raising your joined hands to your lips and kissing his knuckles, “Together we can come up with something brilliant, I’m sure of it” a tentative smile to sign off the sentiment.

You did not know it was the gesture or your words that did it. You saw him waver, teeth nibbling on the bottom lip showing you the depth of the internal struggle. And then his eyes softened.

“You’ll need to be careful. I can’t risk losing you,” refusing to look at you, attention focused on your hands resting in the space between your folded legs.

It felt strange to know that you were this important. But it also explained everything, helping you find the solution to his worries and a way out of the stalemate.

“I know. I love you, and I’ve no plans of dying until we’re both ready to go. Together” you could only grin at his shocked expression, “So?”

You knew you had won the moment he cracked a tiny smile:

“…Okay… but only if you promise me that if things get nasty, you’ll leave. Without putting up a fight,” waiting for your response, he gazed into your soul, careful touch running up your thigh.

That seemed like an acceptable condition. One that offered space for maneuvers. One that could be argued with later.

“I promise,” the whisper opening up a space to lean in and kiss him.

Sealing your fates, confirming the beliefs. A final opportunity to show him why you were willing to do anything to save him. And vice versa.

As the kisses evolved into cuddles and the simple need to find comfort in each other, the tiredness caught up with you both. Another yawn interrupted the comfortable silence. Your hands were idly resting over Neil’s heart, the steady rhythm helping you calm down after the eventful day. He kept on stroking your hair, fingers tangling in the strands and smoothing them down. The repetitive movement easing you in, bringing a needed break from the stress and anxiety of the past weeks. As your eyelids felt heavier with every passing breath, a final question had to be asked:

“Can you stay with me?” the sudden timidness not fitting in with the intimacy of the situation.

And yet. Any voices of uncertainty got extinguished the moment you looked up at Neil and met his bright gaze:

“As if you think I’d leave. Don’t be silly,” the sheer audacity of your question causing his grin to widen, “I need to make up for all those lonely nights somehow” voice lowered to a whisper, gentle touch trailing up your arm, soothing and promising.

Good enough to succumb to and let go already. However, that need for water was stronger, causing you to smile apologetically before untangling from the complex web of limbs and standing up. His eyes followed your movement like a hawk, smirk forming on his face as he took in your dishevelment. As you stretched, the hem of the borrowed shirt rode up, exposing the glaring lack of underwear. The rare rush of confidence was strengthened by the look in his eyes. Suddenly being seen did not hurt that much.

“That you do” taking a sip of the water, you asked, “Can I keep the t-shirt?”

It was just a simple black shirt, good enough to sleep in, engulfing you in the additional dose of that ‘Neil smell’.

“Of course,” an appreciative nod, distracting you to glance at the abandoned phone, “You seem to like me shirtless… which I’m not complaining about,”

The comment was enough to make you turn back, however. Obviously. Taking in his satisfied grin, the urge to slap him was back. That, though, could turn your peaceful evening into something else. Something that perhaps was best left for the future.

“I just generally rather like you, Neil” the retort dropped with perfect disinterest.

No one messaged you, which was bound to be counted as a win. You got a far as making sure the phone was on mute, and you were ready to join him back in the bed when Neil’s question made you turn with widened eyes:

“Can you check my phone, please?” there was nothing suspicious in the way he asked.

As if it was nothing. But it was not exactly nothing. With trembling hands, you went through his notifications. Nothing remarkable or worth mentioning. It was when you faced Neil again after a minute that you noticed his taxing gaze, analysing your every move. He acknowledged your startled look with a serious smile:

“I can see that shocked face, and I’ve got one thing to say to your mean brain - I’ve nothing to hide from you” the emphasis placed on the right words “You can go through my texts if you want to test that” a passing glance at the device you still held in your hand.

Now that was too much. The idea itself triggering the reservoirs of worries. That you were too possessive. That the insecurities were getting ahead of you. As though burned, you put the phone down:

“Christ, no, sorry,” covering your face with your hands for a beat, “I don’t know why…”

Why what? Fuck knows. Looking for comfort, you glanced at him helplessly. Maybe with time, it would get easier. Maybe.

“It’s alright. Come here” Neil had no doubts as he extended his hand towards you in the simple invitation.

He need not say it twice. You switched off the remaining lights and took his hand, letting him pull you into a hug. The whispered reassurances and affirmations followed as you settled for the night. Carefully, you placed your hands over his heart and the scar on the side, mirroring night from another place and another time. As you closed off the day with a final breathless kiss, it was astonishingly effortless to realise that it was where you were meant to be. His lips glided over yours with tenderness reflected in the way he pulled you closer. Finally, you exchanged another confession and closed your eyes. Joined hands resting in the space between your heads like a beacon of hope. Someone to hold on to.

***

The initial sleepiness lasted for about three hours. After that, your brain switched back on, no longer satisfied by the presence of Neil’s steady breaths or the anchoring touch reminding you of the new circumstances. With every minute, it was harder to focus on falling back asleep. Instead, you were forced to go over the various what-ifs and worries centred around the battle. Thoughts of locks, guns, and bullets elevating your pulse and warming up your body in the familiar signs of an upcoming anxiety attack. Overwhelmed with the flood of ideas, you opened your eyes. No salvation in the darkness. Only the warmth of the embrace acting as a reminder to breathe. With a spark of fondness, you realised that Neil pulled you even closer throughout the night. His hands have slipped underneath the shirt. The touch comforting yet also warm enough to be bothering the heightened emotions. You had to get up and cool down. Only that was easier said than done. With his tight hold, it was difficult to untangle, and the first attempt got stopped with half-asleep Neil clutching you with stubbornness, refusing to let go. Despite your heart desperately clinging to the comforts of the position, you decided to take it slow. You raised your head and watched him for a short moment, involuntarily smiling at the peacefulness painted across his features. The relaxed forehead, long eyelashes falling on the cheeks, and strands of hair splayed on the pillow like a crown of gold. Beautiful. Leaning in, you placed a fleeting kiss on his temple, then another one on the cheek, lips brushing over the corner of his lips in a ghost of a touch. Message simple – sleep, it’s alright.

It worked, for he relaxed his hold enough for you to get up from the bed and trod over to the window. The coldness of the room waking up the senses, moonlight spilling over as you glanced at the horizon. Nothing but the ocean and the starry skies. No salvation to be found there. Unable to let go of the worries, you sighed heavily and pressed your forehead against the glass. There was hardly any point in trying to go back to sleep. That train has left the station. Your hands trembled lightly, betraying the anxious energy stored in every single cell of your body. Needing to get out somehow. Briefly, you considered putting on clothes and slipping out to let the cold air calm you down. But that could only help for a brief moment. You needed a better solution. A way to shut down the qualms. How was an entirely different question.

Your nervous internal ramblings got cut short with the unmistakable rustling coming from the bed behind, followed by:

“Why did you leave?” Neil’s husky voice enriched with the sleepy drawl causing a smile to spread on your face.

With the permanent warmth seeping through your chest with the reminder that it was finally your reality, you turned back to face him.

“I can’t sleep,” sheepish admission completed with a small shrug, “It’s fine though, I can-” as you sat down on the mattress, Neil silenced you with a hand taking yours and lacing the fingers.

“What’s wrong?” he seemed more awake now, the familiar focus back in his eyes, “And don’t tell me it’s nothing because I’m not buying that,” the disclaimer placed with a firmness that still startled you.

Supposedly it was time to get used to being seen like this. Right through, no bullshit allowed. Terrifying and endearing. Because for once you were understood. Accepted.

Taking an additional moment to collect the thoughts, you brushed the hair away from his forehead. Careful touch making Neil shut his eyes and lean into your palm as you traced the sharp edge of his cheekbone.

“I can’t stop thinking about the lock… All of the what-ifs and plans are starting to drive me insane,” you admitted quietly, not stopping the tender caress, “It’s like whenever I try to go back to sleep, the thoughts just keep rushing in, and there’s no end to them” the dejected note causing Neil to open his eyes and meet your tired gaze.

His brow furrowed, hold over your hand tightened as though he wanted to reassert his presence. A reminder that you did not have to deal with it alone anymore. In response, you squeezed his palm and rested your head on his shoulder.

“I know the feeling well,” a kiss on the top of your head, “Maybe we should make use of it,” the hopeful edge kindling curiosity.

“How?” somehow, it already felt a little bit better.

As though being able to share the troubles could make your heart less heavy. Because he was there and willing to fight the demons away with you. That was enough to assure you that he was the one. He had to be.

“Let’s go to the bridge and start planning. You won’t sleep and, frankly, knowing you’re feeling like this, I won’t either, so what have we got to lose?” the explanation simple in its directness.

For a moment, you wanted to argue, to tell him to go back to bed and let you deal with this one your own. Because it was selfish to drag him along at 3 am to brainstorm over the filter coffee and A0 format blueprints. Yet the moment your eyes met his, the protests died on your lips. Everything you saw in his gaze told you that there would be no bargaining over it. That he was bound to follow you into the bridge and start the planning right now if it meant you would be able to sleep and calm down. You could only show how that realisation felt through a kiss that strengthened every single feeling twice fold.

***

That is how you have found yourself slouched over the terrain maps and Sator’s compound blueprints with the old-school ticking away the early morning hours on the opposite wall. This early (or late?), the bridge was bathed in the glow of the dawn spreading throughout the eastern horizon. It was incredibly cold, the biting chill causing you both to huddle at the corner of the large table with pullovers zipped up and mugs clutched in your hands. The adorable pinkish tint on Neil’s cheeks and tips of his ears were almost good enough to suffer.

Quickly you established the main points needing covering: the area separating the drop-off zone from the epicentre and tunnel leading inwards, the ten minutes you would have for the whole job, and the potential fuck-ups. With your directions, Neil drew the simplified plan of the terrain on the blackboard, and you attempted to figure out the optimal time needed to cross the distance while inverted. That turned out to be a rather inspiring conversation…

“How fast can you run?” standing at the head of the table, Neil threw a glance at you in passing.

With a grin, you noticed that he managed to get a blue marker stain on his chin. The desire to get up and deal with that distracting you from answering the question. Long enough for him to glare at you offendedly. Riiight…

“Not as fast as you… with all those legs, but I’ll manage” you eyed his slender form with a glimmer in your eye, noting down the exact route to cover.

Tough, but manageable. You were definitely not going to back out now. Not a chance.

“All those legs?” Neil’s clueless tone made you look up with a wide smile.

Cute. One would think someone this gorgeous would be vain. Not this one, however. You stared at him, fascinated by the confusion visible in his face. There was only one way to show him. You got up and crossed the space in two strides, stopping half a meter away, a wicked grin on your lips.

“Legs for miles, sunshine,” one more taxing look directed at him, slowly slipping over every single inch of his body.

Ending the scrutiny on his face again, you closed the space and cupped his cheek. Taking in the widened pupils and parted lips.

“Blimey,” a longer exhale, timidity highlighted by the deepening blush and disbelief in his voice, “Is there a part of me you’re not crazy about?”

As if. Perhaps it was the mix of anxiety, sleep deprivation, and unbelievable luck that made you braver. You placed your hand around his neck to get proper leverage and make him bow down slightly.

“…nope,” the poker face easily achieved before you kissed him on the marker smudge, “Do with that what you will,” a wink as you made sure to press your body against his in a clear message.

And then you strolled back to your chair. As though nothing happened. After all, it was time for work… and a little bit of fun.

Your punishment for the provocation came not long after when Neil came back to the table to help you figure out the best way into the epicentre. Busy with the blueprints, you only noticed his presence once you felt a teasing touch run up your spine, followed by lips trailing kisses down the nape of your neck. However far the collar of your pullover allowed. Involuntarily you shuddered, the reaction instantaneous as you grasped the edge of the cold table to keep focused.

“Neil-” a half-whine exposing the frustration.

Mistake. He must have knelt on the floor behind your chair, for the next thing you felt was the warm breath causing goosebumps all along your neck and throat. He pressed another kiss to the spot right under your ear. The specially chosen one always resulted in thighs clenched tightly and warmth spreading down your veins.

“Don’t tell me you thought I’ll let that pass” the whisper confirmed your suspicions.

One glance at Neil told you he was rather proud of himself as he mirrored your wink from before with a satisfied smirk.

“Rude,” you rolled your eyes, huff added to the drama.

Perhaps mission planning could be interesting like that. Perhaps. As though following your line of thinking, Neil leaned in once again and pressed a kiss to your throat. His hands sneaked around your waist and between the thighs for a split second. Enough to make you groan.

“Is it now?” he chuckled and got up before you could utter a sound, “So… which entry do you propose, miss?” leaning over your head, tone strictly business.

Just like that. Bloody bastard. There was nothing else to do but sigh heavily and begin to plot revenge in the quiet of your mind. That could be rather pleasant.

You decided on an entry point, separate from the tunnel used by the splinter unit just in case. Whatever that case might be. Around five o’clock, when the whole of the room was bathed in the mellow sunlight and the few fucked up seagulls were desperately trying to fight over a fish on the line of your eyesight, you yawned for what felt like the hundredth time and glanced at the sofa longingly. It seemed like now, after over two hours spent planning and talking about nothing but the bloody lock (and the possibilities of your relationship), anxiety has started to die down, leaving nothing but the worst of energy slumps. Neil must have caught your worsening state, for, suddenly you felt a careful touch on your shoulder. He drew you into a half hug, lips pressed against your temple in the soft kiss. You relaxed in his hold instantaneously, the sense of peace finally palpable and within your reach.

“You can go lie down,” he murmured, gently steering you towards the settee, “We’ll go over the obstacles we need to prep for now, but I don’t need you at the table for that” with a small smile, Neil pushed you down to sit.

“Thanks,” you grinned at him, the expression carrying over the rest of what you could not say just yet.

It was too easy to prop your head on the armrest and listen to him ponder on the various ways your mission could be hindered. So easy that you did not even realise when sleep has won over everything else, and you have given in to dreams with Neil’s steady voice fading into the background.

***

When your consciousness has once again reached the surface, you have noticed two things at once. A presence of a duvet you have been covered with that was not there previously, and a blinding light shining right at your face. Slowly, you opened your eyes, squinting at the brightness, and took in the surroundings. The bridge. Early morning. The steady sound of the keyboard typing. Neil. An unauthorised smile welcomed itself onto your face as you stretched out the stiffness from the nap on the sofa. One look at the clock was enough to let you know how badly you have fucked it. 7:30. No more, no less. One question needing answering… why hasn’t he woken you?

You sat up, quietly folded the duvet, and glanced at Neil still slumped over the plans. He had his head propped on the hand, hair falling over his eyes, and fingers restlessly typing out the document. Next to him, there was an unfinished coffee and a half-eaten protein bar. With a flash of gratefulness, you noticed that apart from fetching the blanket for you, he also remembered to eat.

It was that affection and fondness that prompted you to sneak up on him and use up some of the many vengeance scenarios you have thought of. In a smooth move, you have covered the distance and threw your arms around his neck. A startled yelp he let out, only giving more conviction that this was the right maneuver.

“What-” the beginning of the question cut short when you kissed him on the neck.

Slowly savouring the taste of his skin, you placed your hands on his thighs, relishing in the feeling of the muscles tensing underneath the clothes. It was easy to become addicted to this kind of power. The rush of courage prodding you to graze your teeth over his skin. The answering groan and slight head tilt giving your more space for exploration, nothing but approval.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” giving him a breather, you asked the question.

There was no reason to acknowledge it in any way. He would understand you were sure of that. Before he could answer, you picked up the activity, trailing kisses down his neck, giving additional attention to the pulse points and spots that made him fidget in the chair.

“Could never,” the hoarse whisper complemented with his hands covering yours, “What are you doing?” the hint of uncertainty causing a wicked smirk to spread across your lips.

A teasing answer on the tip of your tongue when the unmistakable sound coming from the airlock shattered the moment.

“Well, well, well… good morning, lovebirds,” the familiar Cockney accent broke the silence with an impish edge tinting every syllable.

There was no point in fooling yourself that they have not caught what you have been doing. Still, with cheeks burning red, you took a definitive step back, away from Neil and faced the rest of the team with an awkward smile:

“Hi,” the word came out quiet, raspy voice bringing out even more embarrassment, “We’ve um…” you trailed off, gaze helplessly slipping over Wheeler and TP.

No help apart from a knowing grin on her face and an inquisitive look in his dark eyes. The pronoun you have used ringing out in the space. We. Correct, and yet strange. Because you knew that after a show like this, there would be no more pretending. Everything out and clear. But maybe that was better… Your increasingly more hectic thoughts got interrupted by the sound of the chair scraping the floor.

“Couldn’t sleep. So, we decided to start the planning. For the lock,” Neil finished your sentence and added an explanation on a long exhale.

Unable to deny yourself the pleasure, you glanced at him briefly. He took a step closer, throwing you a reassuring smile. His cheeks were still flushed after your earlier ministrations, hair ruffled and begging to be arranged. Maybe later.

“You’re one entity now?” the shameless staring got interrupted by another cheeky question by the squad leader.

Oh christ. Resisting the urge to facepalm, you fought hard to find an answer.

“No, but… I’m going in with Neil. To help and cover” the truth had to do.

After all, it was what Ives wanted from you. The final decision on the state of things. A way out of the impasse. A sleepless night seemed worth it. One look at the soldier told you the decision has surprised him. He turned to look at Neil, directing the next question at him:

“Alright… and you’re all prepared for that? No more drama?” the emphasis given to the last three words brought back all the traumatic meetings from mere days prior.

No more drama. At last, there was no reason to feel the fear rise at the mention of the war council. Maybe the worst was truly beyond you?

“Yes, we’ve talked it over” Neil confirmed your thoughts with resolution.

On its own accord, his hand brushed against yours, the gesture not escaping the attentive gaze fixed on both of you.

“Doubt that’s the only thing you did,” the comment whispered low enough to be caught by the three of you stood close.

Your face reddened as you understood the connotations. On the one hand, it was nothing to be ashamed of. On the other, the part of you that always hated being seen like that was close to lashing out. However, your boyfriend had your back.

“Ives,” Neil uttered the warning, shooting you a worried look.

That was enough this time, luckily. Without a shadow of remorse, Ives grinned and strolled over to sit at the head of the table. Nonchalance personified.

“Mind sharing what it is that you came up with?” he arched his eyebrow in an open invitation.

Alrighty. You glanced at Neil, a silent question on your lips instantly understood, and answered with a nod of the head in the direction of the whiteboard and your abandoned plans.

As TP and Wheeler took their seats around the table, you both took hold of the papers and arranged them to prepare the presentation. Then a short eye contact was enough to kick it off:

“We’ll go in” Neil uncapped the blue marker and drew two dots on the board.

“Inverted,” you added, gaze sweeping over the audience.

So far, comprehension has seemed to be maintained.

“Yes. We’ve figured out that 4 minutes might be enough to cover the distance from the drop-off zone” drawing the line indicating your route, he motioned for you to pick up the compound blueprint.

“And get into the hypocenter. Via this tunnel,” exchanging a small smile, you took hold of the paper and pointed at the alternate entrance.

“Different to the one you’ll be using in case something went wrong,” he explained, “Then I’ll pick the lock and open the gate” quiet confidence you have missed hearing tinting the sentence.

Maybe it could work out just right.

“While I make sure he’s safe and sound,” complementing his sentence, you took that one step closer to Neil.

Emboldened by the dynamic you have easily fallen into, you shot him a confident grin and placed your hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly being watched did not feel half that bad. As though he was following your logic, Neil winked at you and finished the presentation with a telling shrug:

“And we exit,” you enjoyed the way his eyes glimmered with conviction.

For once, it felt like it was not just you who wanted it to work. Perhaps the conversation made an impact on how he saw things. And now he was willing to fight for your future. Together. The sudden need to take his hand got interrupted with a neutral question coming from Wheeler:

“What if someone stops you?” the poker face masking the hints of concern you knew well.

“We can discuss that now” Neil grabbed the list he composed during your nap and opened his mouth to speak.

Not for long.

“Have you been rehearsing that?” Ives’s question made all of you snap back to him in an instant.

The witty smirk gracing his features was a cause for concern. Because you knew well what he meant. Feeling the wave of embarrassment wash out the bravado, you struggled for an answer:

“No… that’s just-” biting on your lip in search of words, you barely registered what happened.

“Chemistry” Neil smiled assuredly and took your hand in his without missing a beat.

As you faced him with wide eyes, he raised your palm to his lips and kissed the knuckles in a gentlemanly fashion.

That was certainly a memorable way of announcing your relationship. Probably better than a Facebook status. Then you did not have Neil befriended on that. Did he even have an account? For whatever reason, your tired brain decided to treat those types of issues as most important of all, fixating on bloody Facebook of all things.

“You alright?” the tightening hold on your hand combined with the worried undertone in the question made you drop the pointless thoughts in a second.

As you met Neil’s gaze, you mustered another smile and squeezed back his hand. The company did not matter he was everything you could see anyway.

“Yep, sorry. Just knackered,” you whispered the assertion, refusing to acknowledge the ridiculous questions.

However, judging by the scepticism in his face, you knew it was not getting brushed off eternally. The sound of a throat being cleared pointedly made you both turn back to the audience with apologetic smiles.

“Hate to interrupt your little conversation, but I think we should use your head-start and try to complete the plans” Ives stood up from the chair and strolled over to the blackboard.

Marker in hand. Things still needed looking into if you were to make this mission successful on all fronts. Sleep and tiredness would have to wait.

“Sure thing” you passed the soldier a weary nod and sat down on your chair with a quiet groan.

Sofas were not the ideal places to nap. Note to the future self. Before you could do as much as glance at the documents again, a passing remark made you look up with eyebrows knitted:

“Congrats, by the way,” Ives threw the words with a telling wink directed at you and Neil.

Does the torture ever end?

“… Thanks?” the frustration seeping through your tone as you added, “It’s not like we’re getting married or anything, though”

“Yet,” the husky voice on your right chimed in with just the right amount of cheekiness.

Naturally. You glared at Neil sharply, any intent or purpose forgotten once he met your gaze with that familiar affectionate look in his eyes. Might as well…

The next few hours were spent on making sure every part of the plan and the tactics made sense and fit with the rest. It meant more filter coffee (fifth cup? More likely than you think) and more marker smudges all over your hands and arms. On the chin, too, if you ever got too lost in staring at the blonde bastard to your right. Which did happen. Often.

The cause of your death was the assigned job of drawing out the tactics on the large block of paper spread across the table. It was well past noon when you had finished half of it, and the pounding headache only seemed to increase with each second spent on staring at the red and blue lines and dots covering the piece. Stuck with the especially tricky part of indicating your two special task units on the plan, you let the frustration boil over with one simple curse, breaking through the dam:

“...fuck me-” the rest of the sentence, saturated with even more annoyance, was never meant to be heard.

“I am,” the two words invited themselves into your intended message.

Your eyes widened as the culprit confidently approached your workstation and gave you a little pat on the head. What the fuck? From every available expletive, you knew in a few different languages nothing seemed to come to mind in the outrageous moment.

“Neil, I swear-” that had to do as you made sure to show him the extent of fury through the look in your eyes.

You did not even dare glance at the others, knowing that this was quite the scene. Hilarious.

“What? Everyone knows anyways” the feigned innocence in how he batted his eyelashes at you only increasing the frustration.

He did have a point they knew. Especially after something like this. Still.

“That’s not an excuse,” the steel-cold voice doing nothing against the playful sparks in the blue eyes.

It was in the way Neil pushed himself closer to you that you knew what was coming. The ultimate finale to your early morning banter. Showdown. He caught the bottom lip between the teeth and glanced up at you through the dark eyelashes. Nothing but allure personified.

“Am I gonna be punished for the disobedience?” he overenounciated the words with a challenging tilt to the tone.

All of the annoyance was gone, the prospects opening up with his question. Mirroring him, you nibbled on the lower lip, letting the permanent desire back into your gaze. It was easy when faced with someone like Neil.

“... perhaps,” the word whispered with the promising wink.

And a pat on the blonde head, for good measure.

You need not turn to look at the company to know who facepalmed at that.

#tenet #tenet fanfic #neil tenet #neil tenet fanfic #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: CSA, mention of a delusion.

Seeking: Validation, and maybe a bit of advice and reassurance, I guess. I mostly want to know if this has ever happened to anyone else.

Y’all can call us Chord.

Apologies in advance- this is long. There is a lot to unpack here.

So, I don’t really have concrete evidence of this, but I believe I may have been sexually abused as a toddler. I have not seen or heard from my suspended abuser since I was around that age. I am part of a system, and there are alters here who have been around since then.

A while ago, I was looking through old stuff from that time period for evidence. I found a couple pictures that had my suspected abuser in them. When I looked at her, it felt like some unknown alter far away from me was experiencing attraction, which horrified me, as I am not attracted to this person, and even if I’m wrong, and she didn’t abuse us, she still said and did other messed up stuff to us.

Here is where things intensify:

We go to physical therapy. There’s this one person who has been working there for a little bit. I don’t know her that well, but since she’s started working there, I’ve been with her almost every session (I don’t really have a choice, but I don’t mind). Let’s call her “Mia.” I think she’s in her mid-20s, but I’m not sure. It is also important to mention that I have some other mental issues that really act up when I’m there, including my delusion. I’m not going to go into detail about my delusion, but right now, part of it is that I believe she only works there because of something that happened to me. Of course, that’s not true at all, but it’s been branching off from there. When I considered reaching out to a helpline about the situation I’m about to discuss, I was almost somewhat convinced that she’d be the one on the other end, or find out about it in some way because I put it in writing. In the same way, I’m worried she’ll see this ask somehow, and I’m m half convinced that she knows about this situation, even though there’s no way she could.

There are some exercises where the person I’m working with has to touch me, and those exercises involve my legs. I’ve gotten pretty good at dissociating through the parts where they touch me, and I’m normally very deep in thought when I’m there, so I’m okay at dealing with them. Last week, during one of these exercises, Mia accidentally touched the back of my thigh, really close to my butt. She did apologize, but I was deep in thought about something else and wanted to pretend like nothing had happened, so I said nothing.

Later that day, I thought about it again, and felt weird. I got confused, because it felt like attraction, and I’m not attracted to her, nor do I want to be, because of how we know each other and because we are bodily a minor. I confirmed that it was attraction when it happened again that night. I was horrified. When talking about it with a friend, we had a really overt switch, and I finally reached the alter who was experiencing the attraction (it turned out to be the same one who had experienced the attraction to our suspected abuser). They haven’t told me her name yet, so I’ll call them “Sparkle.” As a result of our suspected abuse, Sparkle feels like someone needs to take care of us, and feels like Mia is the only one who can. None of us agree with this, but we can’t convince them otherwise. She’s also trying to convince me that I like feeling this attraction, even though I don’t like it at all.

The last time we went to PT, we were working with someone else. We did see her, but neither of us said anything to each other. Luckily, I didn’t feel any attraction, but I could hear some of Sparkle’s thoughts/words in my head. I was worried about what would happen the next time I had to work with her. That ended up being today. The same thing happened; I was just more anxious about it. I found out that one of my alters, a sexual protector who has been around since I was a toddler, was mentally restraining them during the session. They stopped restraining them after we left because they said it wasn’t healthy to restrain them all of the time. Everyone feels really guilty about it, because she didn’t intentionally do anything, she’s just doing her job, and she has no idea. We don’t know what to do.

So my question is this: Is it possible for child predators (or predators in general) to do something (intentionally or unintentionally) that makes it so that the victim becomes attracted to people that touch them like that? Is this something anyone else has ever talked about? Either way, how do we fix/handle this?

Thank you.

Hi Chord,

I don't know if you know what caused your plurality if anything but whatever may have happened to you as a toddler could be that.

It's also possible that the attraction of that part may have been some kind of trauma bonding or hypersexual trauma response, though it's hard to say for sure. It sounds like this part's attraction could be more of a survival mechanism than actual attraction. it's possible that the incident of being accidentally touched could've been a triggering experience to the extent that this part was alerted and either did what they felt was necessary to survive (express attraction) or has developed involuntary attraction around people resembling the abuser.

Abusers can and do take a Pavlovian approach when it comes to triggers or sexual attraction. there's people into CNC for similar reasons. it's not necessarily a choice to have the trauma-related sexual interests that we do, and often times the abuser(s) condition that intentionally because it only works in their favor. Working to explore and dismantle these trauma-based mechanisms is a process that takes time and almost always requires the guidance of a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it and don't have one already.

Physical therapy is an extremely delicate thing as a survivor of sexual abuse. Accidents unfortunately do happen and while this may just have to be something to take into consideration as you continue with PT, it may also be worth looking into any possible alternatives that involve less potentially triggering scenarios.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #chord

[ramiaell]

Lunathas Contracts

Breaking and entering, not something new for him but it was the first time he had done so with a client he was bodyguarding. The Howling Owl’s employee apartments were not hard to break into, especially when this one left the balcony door unlocked. With the shadows wrapped tightly around him he snuck in and did a full sweep to make sure the apartment was secure before letting Beaureve sneak inside too. Of course due to the sweep and the small size of the apartment it was easy to tell that noone was home.

It had been a few years since he and Konietzko had last spoken, this was not how he’d have guessed they’d reunite, if at all. It was also not in a place like this that he’d expect to find him. Keeping to the shadows he witnessed as his new client chose not to poke and prod around the apartment much at all but took right to the sofa and curled up. He had not been guarding him for long yet, but he did wonder if this sort of nuance was typical of him. They both waited in silence for the Kaldorei to arrive home and since he was hidden in the shadows himself, there was no conversation between him and his client. He watched as the time passed and Beaureve fell fast asleep on that sofa as if stress and current events in his life had caught up with him.    It was well into the night when the door opened and Kon arrived home, stepping down the hallway and passing by the entryway right into the kitchen without even looking into the living room as why would he? He turned on a light in the kitchen and started a kettle making some tea as he began washing his hands. The shadow in the room witnessed his first look at the Kaldorei after this time without his knowing. He looked tired and a bit fatigued but not due to poor health. If anything his health seemed to have increased greatly since they last met. He must have just returned from some sort of physical activity as he was still a bit dark in the cheeks, chest and ears from a good workout and was tending to blisters on his hand. Interesting.

Beaureve was starting to wake from the sounds in the kitchen as Konietzko put the tea on the stove and started to walk into the living room, stopping dead in his tracks with a double take to the sofa when he saw the moving body of the Shal’dorei waking up from his nap. Stone steadied himself, tucked in the shadows just behind him ready to stop him at a moment’s indication he might try to harm his client. Beyond an understandable startle he didn’t, he just jerked and stared. “Took you long enough.” Beaureve said stifling a small yawn as he rubbed at his eyes. “I mean… welcome home.” 

“Well, I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience!” Kon replied with a mix of humor and shock both  as he looked Beaureve over closely before opting to go to the chair next to the sofa. “Had I known I was playing host I would not have stayed so late practicing my routine. Now tell me…  to what do I owe the honor of this…” He motioned to the balcony. “... break-in?”

With a smirk breaking over his lips, Beaureve just smiled. “You are forgiven. This time.” He said perfectly aware he was in the wrong but calmly combed out his hair as he sat there pleasantly. “Well it’s my lucky day I suppose, you’ve taught me a valuable lesson.” Kon said walking then over to the balcony door and pulling aside the curtains slowly looking outside. He’d close the door then slowly, pursing his lips as if he was looking for something. “I need to invest in better locks, or lock the door at all it would seem.” He said somewhat bemused yet he turned around and looked about the room with a slow gaze of his amber eyes. “Practice? Routine? Mm, so you’re turning your aspirations into reality. That’s rather wonderful to hear.” Beaureve said as he watched. “And in my defense, I did try to knock on the door first. However, after coming all this way with noone to answer? It was in my best interest to see if there was a way to wait inside.” The priest said only telling part of the story but it was enough. “And with how many letters I had to write up in order to actually receive word and meeting arrangements… I preferred a more direct approach.” He smirked. “You don’t mind. We can speak a bit now.” the priest said not leaving this open ended. 

Kon stepped back over to the couch then and would find the chair to sit in as he tried to piece this all together. “Perhaps you came here seeking Talthorn? He is here often lately I’ll admit but not when I’m gone.” He said eyeing the priest a little suspiciously but he was far calmer about it than Talthorn had been. “Did you seek my contact I gave you?” He asked resisting the urge to look around the room once more. “No. I am here to see you.” The priest says bluntly. “Yes. I did.” He replied to the latter question before moving right along. “Now we can officially make arrangements. As promised. When are you available?” 

Kon stared at Beaureve and his audacity with a small smirk. “I suppose I can’t be upset considering how Talthorn did choose to ignore your letters till I found them. As much as I love him dearly he has his reasons for acting as he did. But I am not him.” He pointed out as he thought a moment before responding. “You did?” He redirected the conversation back to the point on the contact. “And did he accept?” Beaureve seemed pleasantly welcome to this information and eager to ask more. “Are these reasons that you are willing to share at all?” he asked before Kon redirected the conversation. “He did. Very interesting man. This contact of yours. We’ve made a good business arrangement. Thank you again for your recommendation. I aspire to have a meeting with my issue whenever he gets my word. In the next few days most likely.” Kon knew who he was talking about with this recent issue. Well he more knew -of- them from what Beaureve and Talthorn both had told him of that incident that left Beaureve wounded and carried to the healer’s ward after Talthorn had saved him. Even the shadow in the room knew the details enough to understand this comment and where it was going. “Talthorn’s secrets are his own to share. I will only say for whatever it’s worth that his… mistrust is a valid one.” Kon looked right to Beaureve then. “Even if you were not the cause for them, just a trigger. But that is all the more I will say. If you want trust or his truths? That’s going to take time Beaureve. Time, and a significant lack of your magic. But in that too I will say no more. I’ve only said this much in the interest of trying to make this easier. For both of you.” Kon explained rubbing at his palms and the ache within them as he sighed and looked to the side. “So, the contract was made. That is good, though forgive me if I wish to make certain.” Kon said oddly as he raised his head then and would stare Beaureve right in the eyes as he spoke out louder. “Show yourself, old friend.”

Beaureve listened closely and drew in a slow breath. He was taking much from these statements but why? Why was there mistrust?! The priest was eager to figure that out. When he realized what Kon had said just then, however, he added in his own command in case his bodyguard was truly as strict as not to do so unless ordered. “Hm? Oh. Of course. Yes, please reveal yourself, Stone.”

No sooner than Beau had given the command, the shadows against the far wall on the other side of the dining room table would start to shift and lift as soon a voice was heard before the body was seen. Where Kon’s voice was deep and full of bass, his was low but more crisp and sharp. “While some things never change, some things… do. It has been a time, Kon.” The bodyguard stood leaning against the wall in full gear head to toe. Blades on his side and no doubt many more hidden throughout his attire. His face was masked, as always and those eyes as cold as winter skies peered right back at Kon’s as they made eye contact across the room.

For one who’s home was being invaded, Kon certainly didn’t seem too worked up over it. As his amber eyes met Stone’s, they softened just a bit. A hint of a sad  yet genuine smile almost shadowed along his face. How bittersweet this was. “Some things do indeed, though you are not one of those things I would ever ask to change. Please, come. Sit with us. You know he is in no danger here.” Kon said motioning to the couch next to Beaureve. Beaureve motioned to the couch as well. “Yes, join us.” He confirmed and watched the exchange between them, both seeming interested in this reunion between them. At first, Stone did not move. But eventually he pushed off form the wall to step over and stand at Beaureve’s side.

“Quite the place here, I see you’ve returned to the club scene afterall?” Stone quipped as he looked firmly down at Kon having already done his research on this place before they arrived.

"I have, though not intentionally at first. But after my seclusion from the world and the dream therapy it seems... I was ready to come back. Though certainly not with such old habits as I indulged in before. Of that... I endeavor to stray from as much as possible." His eyes then flicked to Beaureve well aware he was listening and oddly enough, he didn't seem to mind. ``I think you'll come to agree in no time at all that Sivah would have liked this one. Perhaps even -you- will." He playfully smirked towards Stone.

Beaureve enjoyed collecting the information he could, seeing how they both reacted with one another. He wears his smile and finds the details intriguing but blinks at the mention here. "Sivah? Who is that? And why would they like me? " he tips his head and looks back to Stone. Stone met his gaze. “Sivandris Lumenstone, owner of the Starcaller Lure and heir to the Lumenstone Estate.” He told him as if just reciting information. “He had a way about collecting rare gems, like yourself. And each of them came with their own troubles that I always had the privilege of helping sort.” And that was all the more Stone seemed willing to share. As Stone had decided that was all the more that needed said, Kon and Beaureve spent the rest of the night discussing how their arrangement would work. As Talthorn was to give Beaureve a date of his choosing once a month, Kon would under the same rules to help make up for Talthorn’s lack of his part of the deal in the beginning of their original arrangement. By doing so Talthorn would have the ease that Beaureve would no longer be trying to sell his rare drug to anyone of the Tarts nor of the Owl so long as it was a function put on by either group or when in Talthorn’s presence. It was an exchange no one would ever know even had taken place, all for the comfort that Talthorn could protect his friends and fellow entertainers from this mind-altering drug that he had no power to stop him from creating. However, Kon saw it fit by the end of this meeting here in his home to call Beaureve out. To him, this seemed like an overly complicated agreement in contract that they would be meeting as friends to do things that friends would willingly do without a contract because they were… friends? But to Beaureve that was not the case at all. He could not understand the concept of friends so to him this was a contract and he expected it to be upheld. Despite having his point made, Kon agreed and pushed the subject no longer. The entire exchange was witnessed by Stone, but he said nothing during it. Just observed in complete silence as he did for most his guard detail he’d signed on for with Beaureve. It was not his job to state his thoughts nor opinions on any matters Beaureve had to deal with. It was only his job to ensure his safety. Thankfully, one could do that with very little said as he was not one for idle conversation. Ever. But he did not think he’d be meeting Kon again, let alone under such circumstances. It was interesting how life had a way of bringing things left unresolved back around. Even among former friends. Stone came to realize much had changed for the Kaldorei, not all but there was something very significant that he noticed right away in Kon that had not been there before. He’d come a long way on the road to recovery, and in doing so had begun truly turning his life around for the better. While Stone did not intend to be his ‘friend’ at that time and just to let everything go and move on, he was curious enough to see just where this would all lead for his current client’s future. Beaureve had alot to experience now in his ‘free’  life. Stone wasn’t so certain that experiencing it through Kon and the others he was associated with was the best way, but he wasn't paid to give his thoughts nor opinions on those matters either. They were invalid. At that time, he had only one job to do. And when the threat returned, he would do it. After that, the priest was on his own.

“Next week. At the same point we met before in Suramar. Wear something similar to that. You seem very comfortable. I’ll take care of the rest.” Beuareve said to the expectant Kaldorei as he rose to leave. Kon took a slow breath in and let it back out as he nodded his head once. “A word to the wise Beaureve, what Talthorn and I want is not always what others think. But I can easily see the same could be said for you.” The Kaldorei’s eyes shifted back to Stonel then. “You are going to have your hands full with this one.” Stone drew his gaze to Kon, “You’ve never been one to make my job easy. But we both know, that is where I thrive.” “Oh I do.” Kon said with a laugh and a smirk to follow as he watched them both turn to leave. “It will be quite the… learning experience.” He teased at Beaureve before flashing Stone a knowing look. As usual, he got no response from Stone, just that stone-faced stare before he turned away and escorted Beaureve out. “Next week then.” Kon said as he watched them go and looked to the couch in thought. Maybe he would omit that part to Talthorn; he doubted his love would ever be able to let go the thought of Beaureve breaking into his apartment. What a little shit.

((A former rp from last year recapped in a shorter format though it still includes both our writing. A fun look at the beginnings of Talthorn, Kon, Beaureve and Rami’s friendship that few know about. While the rp has gone places none of us could imagine at that time, it has been a real trip to reflect back to this rp and the reunion of Kon and Stone as witnessed by Beau. Mentions too @beaureve-lunathas​ , @talthorn-sylvoran​ , @konietzko-lumenstone​ ))

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#dwc2021 #day12021 #Ramiaell #Beaureve #Konietzko #Talthorn #Howling Owl #breaking and entering #Reunion #my writing